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The Botetourt Squat @botetourtsquat

Vol. 9, Issue 2 ‘Is It News? Probably.’ March 25, 2019

Botetourt Beat Special Council Submits Mueller Report

SENIORS CAN VOTE FOR SA TOO!
₰ Senior spends spring break high, sad, useless
₰ What parents need to know about the putting a
gallon of bleach up your anus challenge
₰ Your friend wants to fuck a skinny white man,
again
₰ Senior history major looking into jobs as horse
in CW
₰ Music department instrumental funding limit-
ed to seventeen kazoos and an oud
₰ Your ex is posting about Andrew Yang again
₰ Date party cancelled after actual couple RSVPs
₰ In pursuit of historical accuracy, CW reenac-
tors do a shit ton of opium
₰ Student walks into bathroom without shower
shoes, amputates both feet
₰ Sorority initiate disappointed by lack of natal
sacrifice in the tunnels
₰ Health Center advises depressed students to
just smile, sweety :)
₰ Oh, no: Roommate peeing in the sink is stone-
cold sober
₰ SWAT team called in on cyclist going wrong
way in front of ISC
₰ W&M frat member faces severe repercussions
after violating 8pm bedtime
₰ Male pre-med major doesn’t understand peri-
ods
₰ Opinion: yeah, but how do you really know that
you know?
₰ Student takes 40mg adderall to vacuum dorm
before parents arrive
₰ Frat Boy realizes March Madness is the only
constant in his life
₰ Ghosts arrested for interrupting sex triathlon
on grounds of peeping-Tom behavior
₰ Update: your roommate working on a “dope’
baby shark remix
BY CAPTAIN FALCON
FORCE GHOST
WASHINGTON, DC: As of March
22nd, Special Counsel Robert Muel-
ler has submitted his report to Attor-
ney General William Barr. The report is
the culmination of a 2 year long inves-
tigation launched in May of 2017, after
Mueller was appointed by Deputy At-
torney General Rod Rosenstein as spe-
cial counsel for overseeing the inves-
tigation into possible Russian interfer-
ence in the 2016 Presidential election,
and other potential instances of wrong-
doing and corruption. The aim of this
name Gorilla gorilla gorilla), a critically if they can beat him up. They are om-
effort was to investigate “any links and/
endangered species of great ape native nivores and eat leaves, fruits, bugs, and
or coordination between the Russian
to limited regions of Sub-Saharan Afri- sometimes dirt”
government and individuals associat-
ca. The report, in no less than 10 pages The released portion of the report
ed with the campaign of President Don-
of double-spaced 12-point Times New concludes with a page entitled “my
ald Trump, and any matters that arose
Roman font, describes the habitat, ba- sources,” which consists entirely of
or may arise directly from the investi-
sic biological description, behavior, and a link to the Wikipedia article for the
gation.” Yesterday morning, The Bote-
diet of the Western Lowland Gorilla, as Western lowland gorilla, and a direct
tourt Squat received an edited PDF co-
well as a discussion of its status as an link to an image of a gorilla hosted by
py of the report from a senior official in
endangered species and ongoing con- National Geographic. It is currently un-
the Department of Justice, who will re-
servation efforts. A selected portion of clear as to whether or not this version of
main unnamed in the interest of confi-
the document reads as follows: the report was submitted in error. While
dentiality.
“The Western Lowland Gorilla is a the cover page of the report appears to
The investigation has lead to the
species of great ape that lives in Afri- be an official document, the following
charges against 37 defendants - seven
ca. They are very big. The average male page contains the pictured header.
of which have pleaded guilty, includ-
Gorilla weighs about 350 pounds, and Regardless, the contents of this re-
ing Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, Mi-
the females weigh about 175 pounds! port are incredibly damning, and indic-
chael Flynn, and Alex van der Zwaan.
Their fur is lighter than the eastern go- ative of the chaos and corruption pres-
According to officials in the Justice De-
rillas. The males sometimes have brown ent in the executive branch of the Unit-
partment, however, the recently con-
fur on their forehads. Gorillas like to ed States government. The events of the
cluded report does not recommend any
live in groups. There are usually around coming week, and the release of the full
additional indictments. Rather, prelimi-
10 or so gorillas. Sometimes there are report, will surely be a historical event
nary analysis of the report suggests that
20. There is one gorilla with silver fur in the history of American politics, re-
its content consists of a description of
on his back. He is in charge, although gardless of the outcome and findings of
the Western Lowland Gorilla (scientific
sometimes the other gorillas like to see the report.

Biggest Dumbass of Century Bribes Way Into William & Mary

BY SIGMA LIGMA APPLE PLIE
FAIRLY ADMITTED STUDENT
Following the recent Ivy League
bribery scandal, students have been
anxiously waiting to hear if William
and Mary will be affected. Their wait
is over - on Wednesday, March 13th,
Chief of Police Deborah Cheesebro an-
nounced that world’s biggest dumbass
paid 300,000 big ones to be stuck in
this stupid swamp town.
Alfred Kennedy Harrington Heit-
man III is a somewhat-known figure
on campus. A brother of the non-dis-
charted PiKa fraternity, women’s vol-
leyball coach (for the “aesthetics”),
and proud B-School Boi, acquaintanc-
es have described Heitman as “a to-
tal Chad.” Heitman comes from a long
lineage of William and Mary alumni-
-the Heitman family famously donated
the funds for short bathroom stalls in
all campus bathrooms.
Until the announcement it was un-
clear whether William and Mary would
be affected. On one hand, the College
boasts a quirky atmosphere with small
class sizes and close student-professor
relationships. On the other, this school
is fucking grody. Like nasty af dude.
Ew.
We reached out to students for their
thoughts on the announcement:
“He’s actually a such a dumbass,”
Ryan Cressee, Heitman’s freshman
hallmate, told us. “Like the kind of
dumbass who would shower in Jeffer-
son without crocs on. He contracted a
staph infection of the leg for that stunt
and had to call for three weeks. That’s
fuckin’ dumb, bro.”
“I don’t know why someone would
pay to go here,” Ashley Whamp said.
“I mean, pay anymore than they have
to. But he could have at least bought
his way into Cornell.”
Junior Debbie DePuis raises a good
point: “I want to know where the mon-
ey went. Was it the essential oils? I bet
it’s the essential oils. God, William and
Mary can’t even take a bribe right.”
Our team reached out to Heitman,
but his publicist declined an interview.
Heitman was last seen on his Snap sto-
ry chugging Natty Lite on a yacht off
the coast of Cancun.
AGENDA SETTING
Local Uber Drivers Horrified Tour Group Realizes They Can
The Botetourt Squat § March 25, 2019 § PAGE 2

“Pleasantly Confused” Never Leave the Swamp

By Spike in Jobs on 2/8 BY SOULLESS GINGER
BY THE ANTS OF GGV ASSOCIATE ATTOURNEY AT HELL, LLP
TIMELY AND RELEVANT According to eyewitnesses, a high school
WILLIAMSBURG Uber Drivers around tour group reacted in shock and horror when
the Williamsburg Area woke up on Febru- they realized that they wouldn’t be allowed to
ary 8th shocked by an enormous spike in the leave the campus with their souls intact. Re-
number of calls for rides. ports indicate that wshen the group— one of
“I mostly go to Richmond for the week-
many visiting campus during the spring se-
ends, it can be slow around here,” Dave
(4.88) told us. “But this? This is awesome! mester— had reached the end of the tour when
I haven’t seen this many job requests since their guide suddenly started cackling under
that one weekend in October. What was up her breath. As her face began to rot away, of bone for three days was uncomfortable, but
with that?” she was heard howling, “Did you truly be- still wasn’t the worst accommodations he had
We polled a number of local Uber Drivers lieve that we would allow you to leave? You’ll gotten from a school.
(seven) asking them what they think could come to learn that the swamp is a cruel mis- Devrah Asfour was hesitant when the group
be behind the increase in drives. The results was led to High Swamp-Priestess Ka’Ther’Ine
tress, fools.”
were:
“It was so surreal,” said Brittany Gruen- Rōwe. “When we ran into her during the tour,
The pretty weather: 43%
That new Lego Movie: 29% wich, one of the high schoolers. “One moment she was very professional. So it was, uh, weird
A basketball game or something: 17% we were talking about how the sunken gardens seeing her dressed in ceremonial armor made
Other: 14% seemed like a great place to relax, and the next from tree bark.” At this point Rōwe descended
All of these reasons add up to us. We held our guide was shooting swamp gas from her from the Blazing Skull-Throne and turned the
an Emergency Squat meeting in the bush group’s attention to the sickly green horizon.
pores and shrieking about how our souls were
behind Morton to discuss the possible rea-
bound to this place now.” “All of a sudden, there was a flash of light-
sons. Even after putting together our big boi
brains (resulting in a combined IQ of 420 lo- Gruenwich says she was far from the on- ning and we could see, in the distance, the
lololol), we still got nothing. We will keep ly one concerned. “There was one dad, I think shadow of… something. It was this titan, eas-
you updated on this puzzling situation. his name was Dan, who thought it was all a ily several skyscrapers tall. And it looked
“It’s so fundamentally weird,” says Dar- weird joke, until he got to the edge and saw like… a… griffin.” At this point several of the
ren (4.78), who is also a graduate student at that somehow the campus was now surround- tour members fell into gibbering madness, fe-
the Mason School of Business. “I mean, I verently worshiping our beloved Griffin Above
ed by endless swampland.” Dan reported-
know William and Mary pretty well. I even
ly tried to wade through the murky waters to All. Asfour elaborates: “I keep trying to talk
went there, for all the good it did me. I just
can’t imagine what’s going on at William get help, only to be pulled under, screaming, to my stepdad, but now he just stares into the
and Mary that would make these nerds final- by dozens of elongated skeletal hands. As of middle distance and talks about how his impu-
ly go outside.” press time he could not be reached for com- rities have been burned clean from him. Better
ment. than bugging me about finals, I guess. By the
Fellow tour member Gayle Mignola was way, you told me that if I helped you with this,
equally wary. “Not five minutes before we you’d let me go. Right? ...Please?”
The Botetourt Squat had been in Swem watching a couple dozen
students working quietly. And then, boom,
That naive optimism, notes Squat Editor-in-
Chief D’julah Da-balyu, will make Djurah a
‘Casus sunt, notabile est’
those same students started circling around most pleasing sacrifice to the swamp. At press
Tyler 114
College of William and Mary, Williamsburg, VA. 23185 us, wearing loincloths made of human flesh time, Asfour was still in her cage, as Squat re-
Contact Us: botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu and chanting in a forbidden language. Damn, porters work to transcribe the last of her words
how’d they even get changed that fast?” Mi- in her own blood, as is tradition. Hail the Grif-
Current Staff fin! Go Tribe!
Julia Wicks, Rowlet
gnola noted that being locked in a cage made
The Honored Dead
Connor Simpson, Espeon
Jonah Abraham, Senile
Shana Merker, Sliggoo
Maxine Morgan, Mr. Mime
Monarch
Tommy Blackwell, Sellout
THOTS ON LIFE
Grant Smith, Chikorita
Victoria Heller, Vulpix
Mark Hutchens, Force W&M’s Premiere Sex and Lifestyle Column
Ghost
Minna Blottner, Cubone
Hallie Feinman, Pikachu
Zach Rubin, Waifu
Andy Goodstein, Golden
What did you do over spring break?
Aidan O’Hallaran, Cynda-
God
quil
Charles Gowan, Seabiscuit
Jack Tobin, Wizard
Zack Quaratella, Enigma
Peter Eckel, Bagon
Rigel Kaufman, Milton’s
Christian Borio, Skarmony
Lucifer
Mason Liddell, Beldum
Layout by a whole bunch of loser virgins
Disclaimer: This is a satirical publication and
should be read as such. Not intended to be read
by anyone under 18, Student Affairs, or people
who don’t understand satire. Special thanks to our
I bought weed in DC, I think I went to Miami, but to be That’s none of your
lovely Swem Cataloguers, who have to endure
smoked it alone in my par- honest, it could’ve ben Chesa- business. What are you,
this monthly hardship. Any non-public figures
represented here are either fictional or represeted ents’ basement in NoVa and peake, or College Creek, or maybe a cop?
with their express consent. Please don’t sue us. dissociated to post-rock. it was just a pool and a bucket of
We don’t have money. We don’t have anything. sand? I was pretty drunk.
 The Botetourt Squat March 25, 2019 PAGE 3

Beto O’Rourke Announces Run for Nation’s Highest Office

BY SLIME MOLD STEVE
BETO GO ON CHAPO
It is common knowl-
edge that Bernie Sanders,
who is roughly six feet
tall and weighs around
175 pounds, has four chil-
dren. But, for Representa-
tive O’Rourke, this num-
ber simply isn’t enough.
O’Rourke has launched
a nationwide campaign
to be adopted as Bernie
Sanders’ newest son.
Following a particu-
larly bumptious change.
org petition, Beto had no
choice but to follow the
will of the American peo-
ple. After he successful-
ly failed to be at the top
of Ted Cruz’s naughty
list, Democrats across the
country are watching with
hope in their eyes as Be-
to, who stands at rough-
ly 6’4” and 195 pounds,
embarks on another, ar-
guably more important,
journey.
Many have asked Be-
to why he intends to run
for Bernie’s son in such
a contentious year. Other
Democrats nobody knew
one year ago such as
Amy Klobuchar, Andrew
Yang, Stephen Crenshaw,
and Elizabeth Warren
have all announced their
interest in adoption by
America’s cuddliest so-
cialist. What makes Beto
uniquely positioned to be
Bernie’s new son? He be-
lieves he was simply born
to be Bernie’s son. Beto
is white, just like Bernie,
and male, like many sons.
The math just stacks up
in his favor against any-
body else. Hopefully
come January 20, 2020,
Beto O’Rourke will be-
come Beto Sanders.

Editorial: My SAT score, which was

Local Undergrad Has Apparently
Never Seen A Goddamn Duck
BY BRANNA WHITE
RENOWNED ORNITHOLOGIST
WILLIAMSBURG, Vir-
ginia - A Squat reporter was
on the scene last Tuesday
at the Grim Dell while an
undergraduate at the College
of William and Mary was
acting like they hadn’t seen
a fucking duck before. The
student, aged a whole 20
years old, was staring intent-
ly at a drake, which is the
proper term for male mallard
duck as opposed to whatever
a “chonky boy” is, and coo-
ing softly as it swam around
like it had been doing for the
past two hours.
“Look at it!” squealed the
undergrad, who ignored all
requests to give their name,
year, or anything at all, as
a matter of fact. “It’s...so...
bird!”
And bird it was. Their
most energetic outburst
came when the drake sub-
merged its whole body under was considered more impres-
the surface of the water ex- tion, but that doesn’t make
cept for its “little feetsies,”
as the student at the College ery area, just the ones that
of William and Mary put
it. Witnesses on the scene
described it as “actually
kind of warranted,” although Well, that’s beside the point.
their squeal was so high
pitched your dear reporter
could barely detect it if not
for their supersonic hear-
ing and uncanny ability to
sniff out details, like the fact
that grown ass adults are
emotionally fragile enough
to get choked up when they
hear a quack of all things.
As of publication time the
undergraduate was still smit-
ten with the same woodland
creature, although now with
slightly less enthusiasm due
to lack of sufficient caffeine.
a 1600, doesn’t matter
BY LUST THE HEDGE-
HOG
UGH
Listen, I know you’re inse-
cure about your high school
test scores. The college ap-
plication process puts a huge
emphasis on numbers that
will put you into tiny boxes
that reduce the vast complex-
ity of your entire self into a
byline on some form. Well,
I’m here to let you know that
I, with my perfect score on
the SAT, am living proof that
those numbers don’t matter a
particle.
Yes, I easily aced that test,
and yes, that did mean that I
sive on my college applica-
me smarter than you in ev-
happened to matter. I don’t
know how to paint, for exam-
ple. Wait, you don’t either?
Think of the SAT like IQ.
Avoiding Hell With Richard L.
Tips for sexual purity
If you’re ever tempted to fornicate,
remember that when you sleep with
someone, you’re sleeping with every-
one they’ve slept with. If that turns
you on, remember that you’re al-
so being exposed to everyone’s STIs
AND their emotional baggage. Scary
stuff.
Richard L. is a masc-for-masc Chris-
tian boy who loves to go to church, wear
cargo shorts, and volunteer at the home-
less shelter.
My IQ is 200, but there are
things I’m not good at. Math,
for example. I only passed
Calculus in 7th grade, which
quite frankly is mediocre for
someone at my level. It’s all
relative. Point is, just be-
cause I’m smarter than you
based on some arbitrary set
of metrics doesn’t mean I’m
better than you.
It’s the exact same with
GPA. The only time GPA
matters is when you’re get-
ting your first job, which re-
ally only matters for your
second job, which really on-
ly matters when you’re get-
ting your third job, which re-
ally only matters for your ca-
reer as a whole. Don’t stress
about it, though. You’ll do
fine. Not as well as I will, but
if you think about it we’re ba-
sically the same except that
I’ll be making more money,
will find a better partner, and
will probably hire you some-
day. Or maybe I won’t! Life
is unpredictable, dude.
VARIETY
How Big a Fish Should a Standard Issue Human Be Able to Fight?
BY STEVE THE WARRIOR
HEMINGWAY WAS A PANSY
This article does not discuss a
practical question of physical
limitations based on when air or
water is no longer able to support
the weight of a creature. Nor is
this a question of environmen-
tal limitations based on available
energy within a creature’s territo-
ry. This is a theoretical question,
one that philosophically and ethi-
cally probes the depth and extent
to which a fish should morally be
allowed to grow assuming a hu-
man-centric view of the world. If
man really hopes to become the
dominant creature on this plan-
et, we should be able to destroy
an animal with our bare fists on
land, in the sea, or in the air.
First we will explore the prac-
tical world, then one of theory.
Most fish are essentially swim-
ming granola bars: they’re tasty,
coated in plastic, and are there
for the exclusive purpose of be-
Getting Sex with Anna S.
Women love it when you show
weakness, because it shows that you
trust them and you’re not a threat. In-
stead of picking up heavy objects to
impress them, try cartoonishly strug-
gling to lift something simple, like a
cup of coffee. The inability to complete
simple tasks will make you
Anna S. is a professional anime girl
and part-time beekeeper. They are best
known for their spot-on Dolly Parton
impression and sparkling white teeth.
The Botetourt Squat § March 25, 2019 § PAGE 4
ing eaten. But most fish does
not mean every fish. The biggest
fish by both size and weight is
the whale shark. It can grow to
roughly 40 feet long and weigh
up to 47,000 pounds. Whale
sharks are pretty big. If you
lost a fight to a whale shark you
should not be embarrassed; they
are unreasonably large. There’s
enough that they’re not outliers
but they’re definitely weird and
I think that you should be com-
fortable losing a fight to that fish. 40 inches. But is this true? Is a you died because a fish ate you
But there are some other fish you twenty foot, toothy granola bar what would go on your tomb-
should definitely be embarrassed really something you’re ok los- stone? “Lost to a stupid scaly
about, this includes any fish in ing to? Some part of you like- snack”? “Couldn’t do what Long
the 1’ to 10’ range. A ten foot fish ly says no. You refuse to be the John Silvers has done for years”?
may be nearly twice the length butter to some fish’s biscuit. “Here lies Steve Irwin”? Your
of a person, but all things con- How can we distinguish real fish family would likely be ashamed
sidered it’s still a fish, it has no who can win from real fish who and have to lie about the nature
hands, and is most likely incapa- shouldn’t win? First, imagine the of your death.
ble of speech, so you should be concept of a fish. It has fins, a All in all, any self-respect-
ashamed of yourself for losing a body, likely some weird fish gen- ing person should definitely be
fight to it. itals, definitely some weird stuff ashamed of losing a fight to any
Theoretically, it is perfectly ac- on its face, probably a couple fish, with the exception of whale
ceptable to lose a fight with any more fins, and scales. Isn’t that sharks. Whale sharks are just too
fish between the range of 10 and weird? What a stupid animal. If big.
Report Confrims Elon Musk Posesses
the World’s Worst Sense of Humor
BY DUMBASS MCCLOWNE
EPIC WIN!
LOS ANGELES For years,
many have speculated that
Elon Musk’s sense of hu-
mor sucks ass. However, in
an exclusive article from
BuzzFeed News, the specu-
lation has been confirmed.
A tweet sent on February
2nd prompted the investiga-
tion. The “meme” in ques- Musk is, statistically, not
tion is a picture of a wolf funny.
eating watermelon with teh Buzzy’s official represen-
caption “I wish someone tative released this state-
loved me as much as this ment on their behalf: “We
at BuzzFeed understand
horse loves broccoli.” Even
that humor is objective, but
the most RaNdOm xD of
scene kids would say this it’s hard to deny the cold
joke (if you can call it that) hard facts here. Fish swim,
is “not epic.” This tweet is birds fly, and Musk’s jokes
not a one-off occurrence, fuckin’ reek.”
but rather the latest entry For comparative purposes,
in a list of disgraceful at- BuzzFeed News released
tempts at humor. a list of other top ten least
Using their innovative funny entities. We are
‘Buzzy the TweetBot,’ BF pleased to report that the
News was able to analyze Squat placed at #5, behind
three years worth of tweets Minion Memes, your Great
in mere seconds. Using the Aunt Cindy’s Facebook
data gathered by Buzzy, posts, and the name “Bob.”
it is safe to say that Elon Nice guys really do finish
last.
 The Botetourt Squat March 25, 2019 PAGE 5

Northam’s Replacement Found in Blackface Porno

BY NAUGHTIUS MAXIMUS
HARROWED WITNESS
In the most recent of several scan-
dals facing various Virginia politi-
cians of high office, The Botetourt
Squat has discovered that Virginia
Gov. Dick Thompson acted in an
adult film in which he wore black-
face. Following Gov. Northam’s
ignominious decline after the surfac-
ing of several racist yearbook photos
from his college years, Dick Thomp-
son replaced Gov. Northam amidst
a swarm of bipartisan support. Now
that support is all but gone, and the
Governor is faced with the very real
possibility of losing the office which
he only just assumed.
It was found that Gov. Thompson
starred in the porno “Black Cock
Down,” in which he played a Somali
prince who captures an American
helicopter pilot in Mozambique. In
the porno, which we at The Bote-
tourt Squat have watched several
times, the Governor can be seen to
mercilessly pound the helpless yet
overwhelmingly seductive young
woman who is bound and gagged.
Gov. Thompson speaks in a blatantly
racist Somalian accent throughout
the film, brandishing a mock Ka-
lashnikov rifle and telling the pilot
that his men call him ‘Tripod.’ Not
only have we at The Botetourt Squat
confirmed that the name ‘Tripod’ is
undeserved and grossly inaccurate,
but we also noticed that the Gover-
nor’s shoepolish continually rubs
off onto the pale skin of the female
actor, as well as the bedsheets.
Now the Governor is facing charges
of hate crime and slander, as well as
an indictment for poor acting from
us at the ‘Squat. Many have called
for the electric chair, but others
think that would be too merciful a
death, given his poor performance.
“Death by squid or perhaps even a
prolonged castration would be fit-
ting,” local Citizen’s Front leader
Samantha Donalie said in an in-
terview. “What you have to under-
stand,” she continued, “is that he
came in about a minute and a half.
That poor woman never even had
a chance [for an orgasm].” It’ll be
very interesting indeed to see how
the Governor responds to these al-
legations, as the mounting evidence
has become overwhelming.

Wake Up!: The Amish Have Eternal

Youth
BY DICK BUPKIS
BITTER AND BROKEN
WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
For years I’ve been disap-
pointed about how blind so-
ciety is to the obvious truths
surrounding us. While some
may just wave off the un-
deniable evidence as mere
conspiracy, nothing more
than the ramblings of indi-
viduals who don’t trust the
government, I know that I
am stating straight facts and
logic. Little does the public
realize that they’ve been liv-
ing in blissful ignorance of
the multitude of truths sur-
rounding them that they
consider to be false. I have
held a theory for many years
concerning the Amish, but
people just dismiss it as the
ramblings of a bumbling ba-
boon (which, I’ve discov-
ered, through extensive re-
search, is something that I
am not).
It is so clear that this cult
known as the Amish have
been deceiving us for ma-
ny years. People believe this
group to be individuals who
desire to live a simple life.
This can’t be further from
the truth. From my studies
of this strange organization,
I have gathered that these
people are more than just
regular humans. The Amish
are, in fact, the original set-
tlers who came to America.
You may be asking yourself
how this could be possible.
The answer is quite simple:
the Amish located the Foun-
tain of Youth when they first
came across the Atlantic,
and have hoarded its trea-
sure of eternal life all for
themselves.
This is at the crux of their
crime, and this is why we
must be much more vigilant
than we have been. We must
call for a lengthy and objec-
Art Appreciation Corner
tive investigation into their
backgrounds and daily lives.
These greedy bastards have
no right to that sweet deli-
cious cream-baby water. I’m
sick and tired of watching
these fools waste this gift by
churning butter and making
wooden furniture, flaunting
the fact that they don’t use
electricity like it’s some sort
of moral superiority.
I hope this article will help
raise awareness of the poten-
tial threat these Amish pose
Renowned rock singer and Queen frontman Rami Malek with
to us. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!
his pet cat, 1982.
SPECIAL REPORTS
Inside Sodexo: The Changing of the Milk
The Botetourt Squat § March 25, 2019 § PAGE 5

burry defibulators. Now a milk-catcher in hand,

BY ARNALDO GIANBATTISTA
EDITOR REFUSES TO READ THIS
Have you ever try to
change the intricate and de-
tail milk sacks that supply
Sodexo milk dispensers?
As I assume you have not,
I’m come here to explain
you the wonder of such
maravillous machinations.
First, we must open the
pod steam doors to discon-
nect the hoses and cables
that keep the machine the
optimal cold feel. To do
this, examination on the
clockwise side for the touch
brackets, and unsnapped all
two for open the side milk
door. Beforehands, turn all
switch into off. Then, don’t
pull hardest, but detached
the cables linking the pow-
er houses with the snoss-
your milk sacks is safes to
harvest.
The next step is to pull
opened the front door into
your milky sweet. Opened
halfway, disconnect the
nipples connecting milk
sacks to the steeled door.
Now your door can open
fullyed. Fondle the nipples
so they cannot harden. If
your hand gets stick wash
in soap and waters. If the
nipples hardened then your
sacks mayn’t come out
easy.
If you made it here with
not getting sticky and suf-
focate from curdles, you’ll
nuzzle the nipple nozzle
with hands, with glove
hand, and catch excess
milked into your milked-
catch. (If you don’t have
use mouth insteads, unless
milks are spoil.) When the
nozzles are screwed up,
your milk sacks are ready
for pullings.
Yoink the sacks out of
their sack containerment
units, keeping the teat
points up. Your milked
sacks should be drained of
sweet, but if they have addi-
tion milk, make sure reuse
in other sacks. To combine An artist’s rendition of how Sodexo sources its
excessive milk into newly- milk.
emptied milk sacks, see
“Combining Extra Milk” Then, closing the door of the
nozzled milk receptacle, attached
for a detailed explanation
of this process. the nippled nozzles into the door-
holes, havings the nipples bend-
Once you’ve removed
the sacks, place newest into ing down into the loading area.
Refasten brackets and attached
wumbus-crotch. Then, cut
with sharp metals the point hoses, turning switches, and con-
gratulations! You have officially
nipple of the new sacked.
Place the nippled basement changed your very first milk.

What Nancy Pelosi and the Lib-

eral Media Just Don’t Understand
BY SPY FIERI am sure that we had a special
JOLENE, JOLENE connection, a tie which only
My feelings. It’s not just Kyle, the traitorous snake,
them though - nobody under- could have severed.
stands how I really feel. I only I have gotten slightly off
made the title political to draw topic, but the point still re-
in readers so that someone mains. How could anybody
might possibly hear my cry for understand the pain I feel?
help. Since you’re here, I re- Nobody, not Nancy Pelosi, not
ally hope you’ll keep reading. the liberal media, not Donald
Ever since I was a young boy Trump, not any person, real or
I have just felt isolated from imaginary, could comprehend
everyone. While everyone the pain of losing someone
was out having fun, I was all you created to someone else
alone playing with my stupid you also created, and having
imaginary friends. To be quite no control over the situation.
frank, my imaginary friends If anyone could come close,
Fighting the Blues with Julia W. don’t even get me anymore.
Especially my backstabbing,
it would be the liberal media,
since they created the cult of
Remember: Depression is never Benedict Arnold level traitor Clinton and then lost her to
your fault. Even though you are en- Trump, but I’m pretty sure
tirely to blame for everything else of an imaginary friend, Kyle,
who slept with my imaginary CNN has never been cheated
in your miserable life, it’s not your
fault that your shitty brain can’t girlfriend while I was visit- on, so even they cannot com-
even produce enough serotonin like ing my grandparents in New prehend the depth of my
a normal goddamn person. Jersey. It was bad enough to plight.
have to go to New Jersey, but In the next election I hope
to lose a friend and a lover in that we can as a nation put
Julia W. is a cunning fool, lowly the process was truly a calam- aside the unimportant is-
charlatan, and Editor-in-Chief of the
ity. Sure, Melinda and I were sues like universal healthcare
Botetourt Squat. In her free time, she
enjoys petting random dogs around growing apart, but that was and the economy, and elect a
campus to convey her “whimsical” only because I was spending politician who whole heartedly
and “sensitive” nature.
too much time at work. Oh, accepts me for who I am, and
Melinda! My love, my life! I understands my feelings.
OPINION FACT The Botetourt Squat § March 25, 2019 § PAGE 7

SPECIAL DEBATE: S.A. Presidential Race

Point: DoubleTake Are The Young Counterpoint: The Possum Outside
Leaders We Need of ISC is a True Comrade
BY THE TOLERANT LEFT BY THE GAY AGENDA
#STILLWITHHER LIVES IN THE WOODS
If I’ve learned one Listen: Choir kids are
thing during this entire fucking nerds. They de-
election cycle, it’s that serve to be bullied mer-
choir kids really care cilessly and shoved into
about voter turnout. Last Rec lockers, not put on a
week I couldn’t walk pedestal. Sure, Double-
across Sadler terrace Take is a capella, and
without being tackled to maybe that’s “different”,
the ground by Double- but this is actually worse
Take. I was literally held
- the whole point of a
at gunpoint and forced to
but they’re attractive and capella is to pander to an sum? You know, the one
listen about the impor-
tance of voters rights in outgoing enough that audience. I mean, they you see rummaging in
the form of a barbershop nobody minds when they just cover songs with glitz the trashcans cans be-
quartet. I can safely say play follow-the-leader and technical fluency to tween Hardy and ISC?
I was well-educated on for most things. That’s distract you from their That possum is our best
each candidate’s plat- a sign of a cooperative own lack of creativity.
spirit and a can-do atti- hope. First off, there’s no
form, as well as the There’s not real artistic bullshit with a possum.
group’s new album drop- tude, and if there’s any- achievement in a cappel-
thing I learned from all They lack the higher brain
ping this month on Spo- la, only charisma, show- function to be dishon-
tify. That’s the kind of my favorite Disney mov-
manship and a total lack est, and they don’t give a
chutzpah I look for in my ies, you can do anything
of shame. While on the single fuck what anyone
politicians. you set your mind to, if
you just believe in your- surface, this would make thinks of them. On top of
Besides, a cappella them ideal politicians,
works a lot like politics. self. that, they’re resourceful,
Now - if you’ll excuse they’re not actually peo- adorable, and the only
You get all the qualified, ple I’d trust to represent
talented people together me, I need to go practice marsupial native to North
my tenor part. I need the student body. They’d America. There’s even a
and then accept half of
to put in a few hours of wither at the first sign of nonzero chance that this
them to the open posi-
practice for all two of disapproval from the ad- particular possum, or one
tions. The rest of the
positions are filled by the notes I have to sing. ministration. They’re too of their comrades, has
competent but unexcep- These notes are very im- submissive, too receptive taken a shit on the presi-
tional musicians who portant. to the desires of the audi- dent’s doorstep. That, my
don’t understand the ence. Hard pass. friends, is praxis.
theory behind anything, Now, as for the pos-
¿SPÖRT AND REVIÜ? The Botetourt Squat § March 25, 2019 § PAGE 8

Ask the Abyss!: The Botetourt Squat’s Official Advice Column

BY SOULLESS GINGER
MAN OF WEALTH AND TASTE
Abyss, I’m so stressed all the
time. It’s too late to stop being a
biology major, and I don’t grad-
uate for another year. Midterms
are driving me crazy, and it feels
like I don’t have a single free sec-
ond, though I know that can’t be
true. How can I keep my cool?
-I’m Super Calm in ISC
Wow. Okay. There’s a lot to un-
pack here, so I’m gonna leave
most of it at baggage claim and
walk you through a thought exper-
iment. If you were a rat in a maze,
what would be your cheese? You
probably thought “good grades”,
because being in a maze implies
struggling, and you’re struggling
for grades. But what makes you
happier - good grades, or the di-
rection they provide? They’re not
the reward, they’re the reason you
run around in circles in the dark.
It’s like taking Xanax – you only about grades while you can, be- Your question raises an inter- ments and fight over other bros,
think it makes you happy because cause when it’s over all you have esting debate about self-identifica- all without it being gay. One of my
it takes up so much of your time. is the anxiety of being. Yikes. tion, and of course, there’s nothing friends, a bro who is by no means
It’s just distracting you from the Abyss, is it gay to have sex wrong with being gay. I, for one, gay, married his best bro and ad-
shade of your own mortality. Next with other men? I mean, you’re am pansexual; I return the gaze of opted a child with him, just be-
time you get all riled up, go for a literally engaging in homosex- everyone who stares at me. But to cause. You see, ultimately, “gay”
dip in the Crim Dell – it’ll give you ual activity, but my new bros in answer your question: it is in no is purely phenomenal, with no un-
much bigger things to worry about, Delta Kappa Theta won’t listen way, shape or form “gay” to have alterable reality – much like the
like hypothermia, and all the dis- to me. They say it’s not gay if sex with other men. You can’t be young lady whose company I pur-
eases you just contracted. Your life it’s just with your bros, because gay if all you do is have sex with chased last night, it’s whatever you
is short, and humans are just car- bros can’t be gay unless they de- men. You need to have a homoso- want it to be, baby. In short: gay
riers for weird bacteria from out- cide that they’re gay, in which cial bond with them, too, but not doesn’t even real, so grow up and
er space. If you don’t want to con- case, that’s okay. I just don’t un- like in a bro way, you know? Bros suck your bro’s dick with impuni-
front your existential angst, then derstand. What’s the deal here? can kiss each other, hold hands, ty.
I recommend you enjoy worrying -Manly in Monroe have exclusive social arrange-

The Botetourt Squat ASStral Report

Aries: It’s Aries season, as I’m sure
you’re well-aware. Embrace your most
essential qualities this month – follow
your heart and soul at every turn. Be fero-
cious! Start fights in public! Set yourself
on fire! You’ve got nothing to lose!
Taurus: It’s great that you’re trying to
be healthier, Taurus, but remember that
drinking kombucha while trying to follow
YouTube yoga on your phone is dance
with the devil. And by the devil, I mean
the Apple repair desk, because that shit is
going to get everywhere.
Gemini: If you’re a menstruating fe-
male, be aware that your period is going
to come early, and it’s going to absolute-
ly suck this time. Otherwise, drink lots of
water, because the stars have voted you
Most Likely to Pass a Kidney Stone in
April 2019. Good fucking luck, Gemini!
Cancer: Don’t go into Wawa at 1am
on the Friday after you read this! Your ex
will be there, it’s going to be super awk-
ward, and then you’ll buy junk food and
eat your feelings to cope with your unre-
solved feelings about them. You’ll be sad
and bloated all weekend.
Leo: Uranus is entering your house of
wealth, so make sure you put your valu-
ables elsewhere, because Uranus is a re-
ally good thief and even the best locks
won’t keep them out.
Virgo Mercury is in retrograde for you,
which is great, because it means that you
can blame your shitty actions this month
on an external cause! Do whatever you
want, because your personal failings can
be shifted onto an astral body!
Libra: It looks like you’ll probably be
fine, but you might want to delete your
browser history, just in case. You’re into
some weird shit.
Scorpio: Somebody in your life will
disappoint you, Scorpio, and that is unac-
ceptable. See to it that they do not disap-
point you again.
Sagittarius: The great outdoors are
calling you, but you must stay strong and
resist. When the call becomes overwhelm-
ing, find the tree with three branches; feed
it honey and goat’s milk, and burn rose-
mary at its roots. That will sate it for a bit.
Capricorn: I wish I could tell you
something you don’t know, Capricorn, Wanna write for
but you’re an insufferable know-it-all. Al- the Squat? It’s
so, the stars’ writing is a bit sloppy today
and I can’t tell if this says “hit by car” or easy! Show up to
“bit by cat”, so, really, I don’t know what our meetings, ev-
to tell you.
Aquarius: You’re excited about a new ery Thursday in
business idea, and the stars are telling you
to pursue it, but the stars also keep mes- Tyler 114 at 7:00.
saging me about an “exciting business op- If you want to contact us, write
portunity” with Younique, so I’d do the
opposite of whatever they say on this to botetourtsquat@email.wm.edu.
front. Also if you know how to rotate
Pisces: Oh, boy. Let’s just say that
you’re going to post a lot to W&M Places text in Microsoft Word, please let
I’ve Cried this month, so buckle in! us know.