Organizational Dynamics (2013) 42, 239—247
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Are you a mentor, a helper or a rescuer?
Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries
THE NEED TO PLEASE
Most of us are familiar with the syndicated comic strip Calvin
and Hobbes. It details the friendship between Calvin — the
imaginative, intelligent but also egotistical, obnoxious, and
short-tempered six-year old — and his animal familiar,
Hobbes, an anthropomorphic toy tiger. In the strip, we follow
Calvin’s flights of fantasy and his magical interactions, a no
man’s land where his curiosity and imagination often get him
into trouble.
Given all the trouble Calvin causes, at times his parents
are at their wit’s end, want to take leave from him, and enjoy
an evening out. They need their private time to get some
respite from Calvin’s incessant antics. However, the baby
sitter they use, Roselyn, is the only person Calvin fears, as she
has a way of figuring out his mischievous plots. In spite of
Calvin’s dramatic theatrics not to leave him in the ‘‘merci-
less’’ hands of Roselyn, there are occasions when the parents
persevere and leave him behind, asserting their own needs in
spite of the stiff opposition of their son.
The comic strip resonates so well with many us, as we (like
Calvin’s parents) have sometimes been in situations where
we were wondering where to draw the limits — when we
would ask ourselves whose needs should prevail? Should we
keep on ‘‘helping?’’ Or should we draw a line — and create a
learning experience for the person who is asking to be
helped?
Taking the various antics of this comic strip as a starting
point, it is fair to ask ourselves (in an organizational setting)
whether we get a kick out of helping other people or whether
we are really desperately trying to rescue them? Are we
taking on the role of mentor, helping others to find the right
direction? Are we helping them to develop solutions to career
issues, or are we doing something very different? And is what
we doing of benefit to the other? Referring once again to the
comic strip, are there better ways to give Calvin a develop-
mental learning experience?
0090-2616/$ — see front matter # 2013 Published by Elsevier Inc.
http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/j.orgdyn.2013.07.001
Helping, Mentoring or Something Else?
Most often, a mentor is an experienced and more knowledge-
able individual who (without looking for personal gain) helps
and guides another person’s development. Mentoring repre-
sents an ongoing relationship of learning, dialog, and challenge
to enhance an individual’s skills, knowledge or work perfor-
mance. But often, however, there is a narrow line between
helping, mentoring and doing something else. As some of us
may have learned from hard experience, letting our own
psychological and emotional hang-ups creep into our profes-
sional interactions can spell disaster. Take for example, the
following business situation (both names have been changed):
Thomas had been with the company for over 20 years, the
past five as chief executive officer (CEO). Given his accom-
plishments, he was proud of his track record. Thomas really
believed in developing his staff — he saw himself as a
‘‘people person,’’ eager to help others make the most of
themselves. He’d made the company what it was today: a
happy, effective and successful place to work, staffed by a
contented workforce. Ironically, however, Thomas was
probably the least contented of them all.
Miranda had worked hard to get where she was now — vice
president, finance — and she relished the challenge that
came with it. She liked the people she worked with, and
she especially liked Thomas, who had taken a keen inter-
est to help her get on with her job. Indeed, Thomas was
anxious to coach her in the skills she’d need in her
relatively new and highly pressurized role. And he felt
that he was the best person to do so.
A few weeks into her new job, Miranda and Thomas had
had their first informal meeting to check on progress.
Miranda felt happy with the way things were going, but
confessed to feeling daunted by some of the challenges
that lay ahead. Thomas reminded her that she had his full
support at all times.
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That would have been enough for Miranda. She appre-
ciated a helping hand in these early days and weeks of her
new position. But before long she wondered whether the
feedback sessions were more for Thomas’ benefit than her
own. Instead of allowing her to get on with the job — and
to make her own mistakes if necessary — Thomas seemed
intent on continual intervention at what she saw at a
micro level.
The effect was debilitating. Miranda’s emerging confi-
dence was stifled by a sense that Thomas actually lacked
faith in her. As far as she could see it, he seemed
preoccupied with her weaknesses and blind to what Mi-
randa had always thought were her strengths. As their
relationship unfolded, she decided that she needed to
take greater control over her life. To start that process,
she compiled a report enumerating her achievements to
date that she presented to Thomas at their next meeting.
She thanked him for his support but stated firmly that she
no longer needed any special help.
At first Thomas felt hurt and rejected. He didn’t like the
distant stand Miranda had suddenly taken. It felt some-
what like a slap in the face. Shocked by the power of his
own emotional response, he suddenly felt very foolish.
What role had he taken on vis-à-vis her? Who had he been
trying to help? Had he had been using their meetings to
feed his own ego and satisfy feelings which may have been
inappropriate? To sum up, whom had he really been
helping?
Thomas thanked Miranda for the report — he never read it,
there was no need — and assured her that he was very
confidant about her abilities. Chastened, and ashamed of
his own silliness, he resolved never again to let his own
emotional neediness interfere with professional relation-
ships. Her boundary management made him realize that
what he had been doing was everything but helping or
mentoring.
Successful executives seldom get to the top alone. Even
the most talented, charismatic and self-sufficient people
need the help and cooperation of other people if they are
to realize their true potential. Business — as so many business
leaders are wont to remind us — is fundamentally about
people. And of course people need mutual support, help
and leadership. For example, mentoring can be a powerful
tool to help people in goal achievement and problem solving.
It can facilitate personal and professional growth, in parti-
cular, when mentors are prepared to share the knowledge
and insights that they have internalized through the years.
Being prepared to help others in the organization aspire to
ever-higher levels of achievement is one of the fundamental
roles of any organizational leader, and some are naturally
better at it than others. It is to your mutual benefit to help
colleagues, and the urge to do so is both natural and laud-
able. Compassion, service, and dedication — these are all
noble virtues and highly prized in a society where, ideally, we
all help each other. Indeed, empathy is the very basis of all
human interaction. In an oversimplified way, empathy can be
viewed as the identification with or the vicarious experien-
cing of the feelings, thoughts, or points of view of another.
When experiencing empathy, the empathic person is able to
understand the inner experience of the other person.
Furthermore, from an evolutionary psychology perspective,
M.F.R. Kets de Vries
it can be argued that we may be hard-wired to behave in ways
conducive to the sociability of the species. Without the
intention to cooperate, it would have been very difficult
to survive as a species. Thus, we can even argue that human
behavior is oriented not only toward the ‘‘survival of the
fittest’’ but also the ‘‘survival of the nicest.’’
But the desire to help is not always driven by such selfless,
altruistic motives. Some people are motivated less by a
desire to benefit others and contribute to the common good,
and more by a deeper emotional need within themselves.
These people are ‘‘rescuers’’ for whom the need to help is
like an addiction. They suffer from the disease to please;
they are unable to differentiate between their own needs
and those of the people they are purporting to help or
mentor. This specific modus operandi can incur a cost to
themselves and the people who work with them, possibly
even fostering an unnecessary, unhealthy, and inappropriate
dependency relationship. At best they make very ineffective
mentors; at worst, they harm others by attempting to co-opt
the people they should be helping, in an attempt to resolve
their own problems. Ironically, as time goes by, these ‘‘help-
ers’’ may begin to feel helpless, powerless, resentful and
irritated. Instead of generating exhilarating highs, helping
turns into a debilitating energy drain.
So how do you spot somebody who goes beyond helping or
mentoring? When does helping change in rescuing? How do
you know if you are a rescuer yourself? And how can the
problem of rescuer syndrome be solved?
Boxout: Are you a rescuer?
When the natural urge to help or mentor other
people becomes contaminated with unresolved
emotional or psychological issues, it can quickly
morph into rescuer pattern without the individual
being aware of any change in his or her own
behavior. Hence anybody whose role involves
helping or mentoring people who are struggling
with personal or professional issues should remain
vigilant and look out for the warning signs of
rescuer behavior. The following checklist provides
a useful reference:
 Do you find it difficult to make time for yourself?
 Do you find it hard to stop thinking about other people’s
problems?
 Do you take a personal interest in the problems of those
you are helping?
 Do your colleagues and co-workers sometimes feel like
family members?
 Do you ever take responsibility for people who are in
trouble?
 Are you inclined to make decisions on behalf of somebody
who has asked for your help?
 Do you make excuses — explicitly or implicitly — for a
person you are helping?
 Do you ever offer help to people who appear not to realize
that they have a problem?
 Do you feel uncomfortable receiving help from other
people?
Mentor, helper or rescuer
 Do you often worry about what other people think of you?
 Do you feel guilty when you are unable to solve another
person’s problems?
 Does helping other people make you feel more worthy as a
human being?
 Do you feel unfulfilled or anxious when there is no crisis to
solve?
 Do you find it difficult or impossible to say ‘no’ when
people ask favors of you?
 Do you find it difficult to set boundaries when people put
demands on you?
 Do you ever feel that your efforts to help somebody are
unappreciated?
 Do you sometimes feel anger and/or resentment to be
giving all the time?
 Do you feel resentful when those you are helping show no
gratitude for your efforts?
 Do you ever feel mentally or physically exhausted with
the effort of helping other people?
 During your childhood or adolescence were you ever made
to feel responsible for the security or stability of the
family?
The more often you replied ‘‘yes’’ to the questions
above, the more likely it is that you go beyond
mentoring and are prone to rescuer syndrome.
Being aware of your susceptibility is the first step
in countering what can be a debilitating and
destructive pattern of behavior.
THE RESCUER TRAP
What we may call ‘‘rescuer syndrome’’ is common in all walks
of life and in the professional context it can prove debilitat-
ing to individuals and damaging to businesses. It is a form of
undermining of the natural balance in working relationships
that can interfere with productive teamwork and reduce the
effectiveness of individuals.
The Rescuer Syndrome manifests itself when helping turns
into a compulsion based on one central, but very flawed
conviction: ‘‘The only way to be appreciated is to do what
other people want.’’ Thus these kinds of helpers don’t help
others out of choice; on the contrary, they seem impelled to
enter into and prolong a kind of rescuer—victim relationship.
It is probably fair to say that people suffering from the
Rescuer Syndrome are suffering from an addiction, in the
same way as eating, smoking, drug taking, alcohol, or sex can
become addictive. To outsiders, rescuing behavior can
resemble some kind of heroic martyrdom. However, there
is an upside to it. A closer look at its underlying dynamics may
reveal that acting in this way gives rescuers an excuse to
avoid dealing with their own problems.
Know Thyself
Rescuers are seldom aware of their underlying motivations,
and most genuinely believe that their interventions are for
the better. Bearing in mind that rescuers are also very often
241
in a senior executive position in relation to those they purport
to help or be mentoring, it is often very difficult to rein them
in and make them aware of the harm they are doing.
Practitioners in the helping professions — psychoanalysts,
psychiatrists, social workers, counselors, coaches and other
qualified clinical professionals — are trained to differentiate
their own emotional and psychological needs from those of
their patient or client. (They are not immune from rescuer
syndrome, however, and many will have heard the story of
the social worker driving along a treacherous mountain road:
as he hits a patch of ice and his car plummets over the
precipice, one of his clients’ lives flashes before his eyes.)
Helping professionals have a huge responsibility to look out
for their clients’ or patients’ welfare. On the other hand, they
are, of course, only human, and experience the same con-
flicting interests and needs as any other person. Therefore, to
be effective in their roles, helping professionals must be able
either to address their own needs outside the relationship or to
suspend them. However, if they are unable or unwilling to
examine their own behavior, sometimes a desire to help can go
too far, turning helpers into ‘‘rescuers’’ unable to differentiate
between their own needs and those of their clients.
Legal and ethical standards are in place to safeguard
against inappropriate and potentially harmful transference
in the clinical context. In clinical training, psychotherapists,
psychiatrists, and psychoanalysts pay a great deal of atten-
tion to transference. They go to great lengths to point out to
their clients that certain behavior patterns, appropriate at
an earlier stage of life, are no longer effective in the present.
Their clients seem to be engaged in a ‘‘false connection.’’
They are confusing the therapist with an important person
from their past. But there are no such safeguards to regulate
interpersonal relationships in a more traditional sense like a
business situation, so that those afflicted with ‘‘rescuer
syndrome’’ can often use their relationships with other
people to re-enact and resolve their own emotional and
psychological problems. The outcome can be extremely
damaging for the other person who, without being aware
of what’s happening, has been handed a whole new set of
issues to work through — those of their ‘‘helper.’’
While people in the helping professions receive some
training not to fall into the rescuing trap, the same cannot
be said about executives. Inadvertently, like we saw in the
case of Thomas, they may resort to this pattern. Unfortu-
nately, in many instances, they are doing nobody a service.
The results will not be beneficial for them, the people they
try to ‘‘rescue,’’ and the organization.
Watching Out for Co-dependency
The Rescuer Syndrome, while not an officially recognized
disorder, is a widely acknowledged phenomenon and is espe-
cially prevalent in the context of interpersonal relationships.
Rescuers are sometimes characterized as ‘‘white knights,’’
‘‘Florence Nightingales’’ or ‘‘Mother Teresas’’ and are prone
to the so-called ‘‘hero complex,’’ which drives them to seek
out people in need. Most don’t realize their behavior is of a
rather compulsive nature and dysfunctional and many gen-
uinely believe that their efforts at helping or mentoring are
entirely for the benefit of those they are trying to rescue. The
challenge is to enable people to recognize the signs that they
might be suffering from rescuer syndrome; only then can they
242
address their own problems and become effective, construc-
tive helpers.
Real helping is a joint effort — it should never be a one-
way street. Taking control of somebody else’s affairs robs
them of their ability of helping themselves. The ultimate aim
of helping, especially in an organizational context, is to make
the helper’s continuing intervention unnecessary, but res-
cuers cannot accept the inevitable redundancy this entails.
Instead (because they need to be needed) they will try to
engineer the relationship into one of co-dependency in which
the person they are helping cannot cut himself or herself free
from the helper. When this happens, the person being helped
often has no choice but to go with the flow; any initiative they
take is stifled or undervalued.
But both parties inevitably suffer. The person being helped
actually receives no help — and quite often the reverse —
while the rescuer becomes overloaded and overwhelmed as
the relationship becomes increasingly one-sided and unful-
filling. Eventually the rescuer may become helpless, power-
less, resentful and irritated. Instead of generating the
exhilarating highs they aspire to, their behavior becomes a
debilitating energy-drain.
Some people are serial rescuers, always on the lookout for
somebody who needs their help. Others become rescuers
because of the specific circumstances that arise in their
relationship with a particular individual. For example, refer-
ring once more to the previous business illustration, Thomas
felt especially protective of Miranda because of her relative
youth in relation to the senior role she had been given.
Instead of seeing her as somebody endowed with above-
average capabilities, Thomas saw a young, delicate girl being
thrown in at the deep end. He assumed that she needed
rescuing, even in spite of the fact that he had taken a leading
role in appointing Miranda to the board.
In this case, Thomas’s behavior toward Miranda was driven
by strong paternal feelings (he had two sons of about Mir-
anda’s age, but no daughter), which were complicated and
heightened by a suppressed sexual attraction to her; Miranda
was a very attractive young woman. Thomas therefore felt
highly protective of Miranda, while at the same time he
needed her to want his attention.
For people like Thomas, falling victim to rescuer syndrome
brings about a crisis, followed by a period of recovery and, in
his case, a return to normal interpersonal relationships.
Serial rescuers, on the other hand, usually fail to reach a
crisis point, do not acquire insight into what they are doing,
and so never confront the problem. For these people, rescu-
ing follows a cyclic pattern: they find somebody who needs
help and then proceed to attempt a rescue that usually fails.
The rescuer then goes in search of another person to ‘‘help.’’
Serial rescuers often have several ‘‘projects’’ running simul-
taneously because they are incapable of ignoring someone
whom they believe needs their help and because their ‘‘dis-
ease to please’’ makes them incapable of saying ‘‘no’’ to
somebody who comes to them for help.
Very often, when ‘‘helping’’ becomes ‘‘rescuing,’’ the
person being helped will respond to the rescuer’s ministra-
tions by backing away. Indeed, the unwelcome attentions of a
rescuer can sometimes inspire someone to take a pro-active
role and deal single-handedly with whatever issues they had
struggled with previously. Although this is a good outcome for
the person being rescued, it has the paradoxical effect of
M.F.R. Kets de Vries
demonstrating to the rescuer that their intervention was
instrumental in achieving success. A more common outcome
is that the relationship deteriorates, with the subject of the
rescue attempt becoming dispirited and confused while the
rescuer becomes increasingly frustrated. Eventually, the
rescuer simply gives up and abandons the rescue attempt
to go in search of the next ‘‘victim.’’
People who successfully work their way out of an entan-
glement with a rescuer are usually those who, like Miranda in
our example, are fully functional executives who require no
more than arms-length mentoring. In many instances they
soon realize that the rescuer is not helping, and they take
steps to extricate themselves. But some people who ask for
help operate on a very different basis: lacking initiative, they
work on the assumption that the world owes them a living and
that they are entitled to load their problems onto a helper.
These are the people least likely to find a resolution to their
problems because rescuers give them the excuse not to rise
to the occasion. The result is usually a stalemate that can
persist for as long as the rescuer is getting something out of
the relationship.
All relationships entail an element of co-dependency, if
only in the sense that each party wants, and usually gets,
something from the other. In most instances it is a mutual
reciprocity and is not dysfunctional; but when the relation-
ship becomes one-sided and a rescuer is partnered with a
passive or emotionally detached personality, both can suffer.
In this sort of relationship the rescuer can soon become
frustrated by his or her repeated but unsuccessful attempts
to extract positive feedback from the rescue and will even-
tually become both mentally and physically exhausted by the
experience.
I remember working with a leadership coach who would
call the office of one of her clients to tell them that he was
sick — when in fact her client was a chronic alcoholic who was
prone to frequent bouts of heavy drinking which rendered
him incapable for days at a stretch. This is the kind of ‘‘help’’
that goes above and beyond normal care-taking behavior and
is entirely counter-productive. The coach’s behavior gave
positive feedback to her client’s self-destructive lifestyle and
made his alcoholism sustainable. When I asked the coach why
she did this she explained that her client had repeatedly told
her that he couldn’t manager without her, and that he always
felt much better after she took control for him.
The coach also said that this man was one of her best
clients — and it’s not difficult to understand why: he gave her
the kind of positive feedback that made her feel good and
created for her the illusion that she was actually helping him.
The reality, of course, is that the coach was simply satisfying
her need to be needed while the client was encouraged to
sink deeper into his self-destructive cycle of binge drinking.
Coaches with co-dependent tendencies are drawn to highly
needy people and although (at least initially) their interac-
tion with these people may be gratifying for both parties, it
will not last; rescuing never results in permanent solutions for
dependent people.
Although an extreme example, this situation amply demon-
strates how somebody with rescuer syndrome can feed off a
vulnerable and dependent person. Most rescuers feel uncom-
fortable in equal relationships and feel most satisfied when
able to elicit gratitude and appreciation from somebody who
has effectively become dependent on their ‘‘help.’’ Many
Mentor, helper or rescuer
rescuers need this ‘‘fix’’ on a regular basis and typically
become anxious when the people they are supposed to be
helping get their act together and no longer want their help.
In order to avoid the disappointment and rejection experi-
enced when somebody decides they no longer need rescuing,
some rescuers operate from a distance — interfering behind
the scenes and without the cooperation (or indeed the knowl-
edge) of those they believe they are helping. We have all
experienced instances when somebody has pre-empted our
actions and made decisions for us in an attempt to help us on
our way: our parents did this for us as young children.
The difference, of course, is that young children are
learning. Much of what they learn is picked up by observing
the actions of their parents and other adults. When an eight-
year-old girl announces that she wants to dance like her
favorite pop star, her mother is not acting dysfunctionally
when she unilaterally enrolls her daughter in Saturday morn-
ing dance classes. Her response is natural and constructive.
However, the mother has acted in a way that imposes an
obligation on her daughter — in this case an obligation to give
up her Saturday mornings. But for an adult to act unilaterally
on behalf of another adult (even a close relative) and espe-
cially in a way that imposes an obligation on the second adult,
is to undermine the basis of the relationship and create a
dysfunctional imbalance. This is true even if the person being
rescued would have made the same decision or taken the
same action if left to his or her own devices.
An example of ‘‘behind the scenes’’ rescuing is illustrated in
the case of Sue (see Case 2 Box). This story shows how the
actions of a compulsive rescuer can harm the interests of those
supposedly being ‘‘helped’’ without them even knowing that
the rescuer has been at work. There is the added component of
separation here that, concealing the activities of the rescuer,
makes it all the more difficult for others to identify and address
the problem. The outcome in this case was harmful only to the
rescuer — those she was trying to rescue remained (and still
remain) entirely unaware of her activities.
Case 2: Behind the scenes
Sue was a senior administrator at a university that
enrolled a large number of overseas students.
Although efficient and helpful, she had to take
‘voluntary redundancy’ after it was discovered
that she was writing to students’ prospective
employers confirming their graduation before
their degrees had been officially ratified by ex-
ternal examiners.
In each case there was little, if any, doubt that the
students would not be awarded their degrees, but
Sue’s letters were going out ahead of the process,
in strict contravention of the University’s code of
practice.
So why did Sue intervene in this way? She knew
that the visas of some of the students were due to
expire shortly after their graduation and that they
would have to leave the country if they did not
already have a firm job offer. Sue’s actions were
designed to secure offers for these students so
that they could remain in the country.
243
There was nothing in this for Sue personally other
than to satisfy her rescuer compulsion. She had no
working relationship with any of the students and
they knew nothing of her actions. However, Sue’s
behavior cast a veil of suspicion over the legitimacy
of the students’ claim to remain in the country that
could have resulted in their expulsion.
Sue had put herself in an untenable position, and
the University had no choice but to dismiss her for
gross misconduct.
The Need to be Liked
A disproportionate need to be liked — a common trait in
rescuers — is usually associated with a shaky self-image.
Rescuers fear that putting their own interests first will be
perceived by others as unkind, uncaring and selfish (and
rescuers care deeply about what others think of them). For
many rescuers, saying ‘‘no’’ to someone who has asked a favor
is to let that person down; it is possibly even a repudiation of
their relationship. Of course there are often very good reasons
for declining a request for help: lack of time, resources or
expertise for example, or simply a belief that the person asking
for help actually doesn’t need it. But a rescuer only has to see a
person in need and — however inconvenient, inappropriate or
burdensome the task — he or she will feel an obligation to add
that person’s request to a list of projects. It is not surprising
that rescuers often get overloaded with an unmanageable
amount of emotional baggage.
As in the case of Sue, rescuers are just as much at risk of
harm from their actions as those on whom they prey. This is
hardly surprising, since what drives them to seek people to
rescue is their own emotional or psychological insecurity,
which, instead of confronting and tackling head-on, they
have chosen to manage by projecting onto one or more
unwitting ‘‘rescuees.’’ Rescuer burnout is common if, as is
often the case, the attempted interventions end in failure.
The rescuer becomes fatigued and loses a sense of idealism
and purpose.
RESCUER BURNOUT
With too much helping going on, the helper may be faced with
diminishing returns. The emotional labor associated with
helping drains energy. For some executives prone to such
behavior, it results in a progressive loss of idealism and
purpose. Executives who find themselves in this position
may become cynical, tired, and apathetic. Their positive
outlook and work effort are compromised. Worse, they may
unconsciously contaminate the people they try to rescue with
their own sense of failure and burnout.
It takes a lot of energy when rescuers feel that, at all
costs, they need to suppress or reframe their own negative
qualities, such as anger, selfishness, greed, rivalry, envy,
spite, and vindictiveness. While they may display a positive
exterior, under the surface there will be a lot of resentment
about the show they have to maintain. And their exhaustion is
compounded by the negation of their own needs and their
unwillingness to take time out to revitalize their own energy.
244
Their feeling that they don’t receive the gratitude they
deserve increases rescuers’ frustration and disillusionment. It
may cross their mind that the people they are trying to help
don’t really appreciate what they are offering, or worse, don’t
seem to want to be helped. Eventually a point is reached where
rescuers fear they are no longer doing anyone any good.
Other indicators of rescuer burnout are feelings of guilt
and self-hatred associated with less interest in rescuing
people. Rescuer withdrawal is symptomatic of this state of
mind. There can also be an increase in ‘‘projection’’ —
rescuers start blaming the people they are supposed to help
for various misdoings.
Eventually, some rescuers (having become increasingly
desperate) may reach the point where they terminate the
rescue missions that are stalling. They may even deny and
conceal the problems of their troubled client in an effort to
find a way out. While this is going on, anxiety, emotional
detachment, or depression may come to the fore. Substance
abuse may occur. The chronic stress they are exposed to can
manifests itself in physical problems. These physical stresses
may even reduce the life expectancy of these rescuers.
As I have suggested earlier, apart from these psychological
and physiological problems, people suffering from the Res-
cuer Syndrome may also lose a sense of boundaries. By acting
out some of their own fantasies with the people they are
supposed to help, they may find themselves into other kinds
of trouble. Sexual transgression may be one of the hazards.
When ‘‘helping,’’ people should never forget that, as helpers,
they wield extraordinary emotional powers.
Struggling under the weight of too much self-imposed
responsibility quickly takes its toll. And things can quickly
get out of hand if the rescuer does not see quick results.
Rescuers need the immediate gratification of seeing the
results of their efforts; otherwise their stress levels quickly
escalate. Even if there are no instant solutions to the pro-
blems presented to them, rescuers can feel inadequate if
they don’t quickly provide concrete results. In their haste to
be helpful they can compound problems or create new ones
and they can then suffer miseries for having failed to accom-
plish the unrealistic goals they have set themselves.
In many situations, all that people who ask for help really
want is to be listened to. They do not want to be told what to
do. A rescuer who leaps in feet first to find a ‘‘solution’’
presupposes the existence of a problem that might not
actually exist. Instead of providing the passive sounding
board the other person needs, they take control of the
situation and start planning a course of action that is often
inappropriate and totally unnecessary. Rescuers have forgot-
ten that the purpose of helping is to allow others to discover
their own course of action.
WHAT MAKES FOR THE NEED TO PLEASE?
Professionals such as psychoanalysts, clinical psychologists,
and psychiatrists who help people overcome emotional or
psychological problems for a living know that they have to
recognize the inner forces that motivate them to help others
and remain constantly aware of their own emotional needs.
The same applies to anybody who adopts a helping role within
the working environment: they must acknowledge that their
own state of mind will affect the relationship they have with
others. This doesn’t mean, however, that we all have to be
M.F.R. Kets de Vries
perfectly well adjusted and free from any form of dysfunc-
tional behavior before helping somebody overcome a perso-
nal or professional difficulty — if that were true, very few
people in the helping profession would ever qualify. But it
does mean that, having acknowledged our own psychological
situation, we must learn to separate our needs from those we
aim to help.
To understand why people are prone to the rescuer syn-
drome we need to look into the unconscious part of their lives
to make sense of the interrelationship between the ‘‘self’’ and
the ‘‘other.’’ Children who have received consistently warm,
sensitive and responsive care from their primary caregivers
will grow up securely attached to those close to them; they will
have formed an internal working model of the ‘‘other.’’ They
become secure and confident adults with a healthy sense of
self-esteem. But for children whose caretakers are needy or
frequently absent, the outcome can be very different.
Family Constellations
The dysfunctional family background of the typical rescuer
can range from one in which ineffective parents or caregivers
leave their children with no choice but to take on the
parenting role themselves (and in the process lose touch
with their own needs) to families that may look loving and
stable from the outside but in which the parents’ obsession
with trying to make their children achieve perfection has
created an oppressive and stifling environment.
In the first type of family, it is the parents who need
parenting, and the children are left to fend for themselves
emotionally. Without the warmth and responsiveness they
should be getting, the children grow up feeling that their
needs and feelings are unimportant; they become premature
caregivers. People from this kind of background find it very
difficult to ask for help from others, feeling that to do so is a
very selfish act. Their unsatisfactory early attachments lead
to a tendency in later life to try and repair their damaged
sense of self by working through painful childhood experi-
ences that have never been resolved.
In the second type of family, the love of the parent or
caregiver must be earned. Children growing up in this kind of
environment are always striving for approval by meeting their
parents’ unrealistic expectations. The rigid conscious and
unconscious rules laid down with the family leave little room
for the child to express his or her individuality: they don’t feel
loved for what they are but for what they do. This early
experience of parental love being conditional turns the devel-
oping child into an approval addict in adulthood. As adults they
continue to try and live up to their parents’ expectations; they
continue to live by the unspoken rules of childhood.
These people have an intense desire to put right the
perceived wrongs of the past and their striving for perfection
conceals a very real need to be accepted and recognized by
their peers. Whatever they do, however, it never seems good
enough, and they continue to feel inadequate, flawed and
inferior. People from these two family types learn to believe
that the only way they can enter a relationships is through
self-denial, suffering and sacrifice. They continually suppress
and deny their own legitimate needs and replace them with
the compulsive need to be useful or helpful to others.
As adults, some of these helpers with such a past are still
troubled by the ghosts of childhood as these difficult, early
Mentor, helper or rescuer
life experiences create distorted assumptions of themselves
and others. Cast in the role of helper in childhood, and with
few emotional resources, they may be left with feelings of
guilt for not having helped these ghosts from their past
adequately.
Faulty Assumptions
What is another aspect in the background of these people is
that rescuers often operate on the basis of a number of faulty
assumptions For example, some of these are: ‘‘I should
always be helpful and try and please others. If not, bad
things may happen;’’ ‘‘I should always be happy, and never
show any negative feelings toward others;’’ ‘‘My self-worth
depends on what other people think of me;’’ ‘‘Unless I do
what other people want, I will be rejected.’’ Frequently, this
compulsion to help — to please others — is maintained by the
many ‘‘musts’’ and ‘‘shoulds’’ that linger from childhood. But
these ‘‘musts’’ and ‘‘shoulds’’ become terrible drivers. These
helpers become addicted to other people’s approval, but to
no avail. They never feel pleased with themselves; they
never reach their self-imposed standards; and although there
is a lot to be said for setting high standards, striving for
perfection is another matter altogether. It sets people up for
failure. And so people suffering from the Rescuer Syndrome
enter a self-perpetuating stress cycle.
Although the scripts that rescuers followed in early life
may have been helpful at the time, they become dysfunc-
tional in the present. If rescuers were to look deeper into
their driven behavior, they might discover that they are
repeating themes from old, unresolved family dramas. All
too frequently, while their heroic actions may take the form
of slaying their clients’ metaphorical dragons, their real goal
(usually beyond conscious awareness) is slaying the dragons
from their own past. A deeper analysis of rescuers’ inner
theater may reveal that their choice of people, and that the
way they treat them, often repeats (symbolically) the same
kind of distress that they themselves experienced in child-
hood. And ironically, it is often the rescuers who are far more
troubled than the people they deal with. Their scripts have
turned into restrictive liturgies, limiting their sense of free-
dom. They have yet to learn that being ‘‘nice’’ is not a
magical formula that provides protection.
Many of these rescuers have also difficulty getting in touch
with their own emotions. The needs and moods of others are
all that matters. This attunement to others’ needs may go so
far that they no longer know what they really want or need
themselves. Sometimes, they don’t even know what to think
or feel. No wonder that so many rescuers find it hard to
describe themselves or their feelings. Worse, some of these
rescuers experience intense stress, feelings of inadequacy,
and low self-regard because they persist in looking for
‘‘redemption’’ by helping others — the old script they follow
tells them that doing things for other people will guarantee
their love and respect. Instead, they may be setting them-
selves up for use and abuse.
The modus operandi of some of these rescuers is pleasing
other people. But by caring and helping others, at their own
expense, they risk becoming a caricature of themselves. When
rescuing others becomes the main driver, there can be
unhealthy consequences for the giver, the receiver, and the
relationship as a whole. Trying to meet others’ expectations
245
only contributes to self-destructive or unduly self-sacrificial
behavior. These rescuers may do more harm than good and
prevent people who are looking for help discovering salient
issues on their own. Focusing on the needs and concerns of
others means they can avoid having to confront their own
emotional issues. Rescuers are seldom in touch with their
own emotions.
MANAGING THE RESCUER SYNDROME
Nevertheless, if prone to rescuer syndrome, the only way to
address the problem is to face it squarely. For somebody who
has spent his or her life in denial as a defense against feelings
of pain, shame, guilt or fear of rejection, facing up to these
issues will not be easy. Rescuers can only change their
behavior if they learn to recognize the flaws in their reason-
ing and examine some of the assumptions they have about
themselves. For example, simply realizing that the act of
rejecting a request for help does not amount to rejection of
the person making that request makes it possible for the
rescuer to take control and learn to set boundaries.
During this journey toward change, a number of issues need
to be addressed. Helpers need to learn to be more selfish; they
need to be nicer to themselves. They need to actualize their
own dreams and aspirations, rather then constantly focusing
on those of others. They also need to learn how to enjoy
themselves — not always an easy proposition. Furthermore,
they need to take stock of the kinds of people they are
attracted to. They have to learn to become detached from
the toxic people in their lives — people who are emotionally
and physically draining. They also need to reflect on the quality
of help they can give. Then they should take a serious look at
the reasons why they feel compelled to want to help a specific
person. If they come to the conclusion that they are once again
doing it for the wrong reasons — that they are entering a
transferential trap, responding at a deeper level to their own
problems, not those of the person they are dealing with — they
should not enter into such a relationship.
Rescuers will improve their ability to change their default
behaviors if they realize that they have been functioning
according to a number of fundamentally flawed assumptions.
For example, they confuse the act of rejecting a request for
help with rejection of the person. Often, this fear is exag-
gerated, however. If sufficient explanation is given, most
people will accept the logic of such a decision. Finally, when
rescuers realize that they no longer have to heal the whole
world as they were encouraged to do in childhood — a time
when they were least capable of doing it — rescuers will be
not only more effective, but also much happier.
Tackling rescuer syndrome does not have to mean having
to give up helping or mentoring other people. Nobody actu-
ally believes that the urge to help others is anything but a
force for good, so long as it is not allowed to mutate into the
dysfunctional behavior of the rescuer syndrome. Construc-
tive helpers can be catalysts in the process of helping people
solve their own problems, and their role is to encourage
others to make difficult decisions for themselves. But to be a
constructive helper, the person needs to have the ability to
think rationally, objectively and dispassionately about other
people’s problems. And to be able to do that, a helper must
have sufficient self-knowledge to know how to prevent their
own emotional health affecting those they aim to help.
246 M.F.R. Kets de Vries

Being a Constructive Rescuer Constructive rescuers have the emotional sensitivity to be

glad when others are glad, and sad when they are sad. They
Constructive rescuers are sensitive to the needs of others — are not only capable of insight, understanding, empathy, and
within reason. They realize that their efforts to help should compassion, but are also able to act accordingly without
not come at the cost of their own health and happiness. losing their sense of boundaries.
Constructive rescuers make clear to the people who come to Constructive rescuers also have a considerable tolerance
them for help that they should recognize and accept the for ambiguity. They have what has been called negative
consequences of their own troubled behavior. capability — a state of intentional open-mindedness — the
As constructive rescuers, these executives make it clear to ability to keep the imagination alive without having the urge
the people they are trying to help that they own their own life for closure. They are able to accept uncertainty without
— asking them what they have done to fix their own problems. becoming over-anxious. They value the cognitive complexity
They make others understand that they cannot use them as a and the ambiguity of the human condition. They can suspend
dump for all their emotional garbage. They need to work on disbelief when they encounter puzzling situations. Naturally,
their own problems. Constructive rescuers realize that by this makes the capacity for patience a sine qua non.
creating reciprocity in relationships, they will be more help- Constructive rescuers recognize the power of both con-
ful than putting others in their debt. scious and unconscious processes. This necessitates, to be a
Constructive rescuers act as catalysts in the process of truly effective in a socio-emotional sense, having sufficient
helping people solve their problems. Their role is to encou- self-knowledge and self-discipline to manifest these qualities
rage people in need to face their difficulties honestly. Hand- under stress, and when faced with the almost overwhelming
ing the responsibility for the problem back to the people in temptation to behave differently. These people are hyper-
need, and viewing the problem more objectively — taking aware of how their emotional health affects the quality of
account of transferential processes — encourages the people their work.
they work with to take ownership of their problems, and work
on them to enact change. CONCLUDING COMMENTS
Ideally, effective executives will have the sort of self-
knowledge and objectivity that comes after having acquired
Each of us has their own unique constellation of strengths and
a solid dose of emotional intelligence. Through various activ-
weaknesses. Each of us has a shadow side. Each of us may
ities, they need to have the kind of emotional receptivity that
regress, at times. We all need help — and that includes the
creates self-awareness, reflectivity, and non-defensiveness.
ones that do the helping or mentoring. But it is imperative
‘‘Using themselves as instruments,’’ constructive rescuers
that helpers help themselves before they start to help others.
can recognize major themes in the lives of the people they
As all healing starts in the mind, constructive rescuers are
work with, and, simultaneously, attend to their own
willing to look inside themselves to face their source of their
thoughts, emotions, physiological responses, and behavior
pain in order to become more effective. And they system-
during their interactions with them. This is what social and
atically discuss their own thoughts and needs with someone in
emotional intelligence is all about.
the helping profession (when needed) who will help them see
I would also like to add that constructive rescuers are
what they are unable or unwilling to admit to themselves.
reliable, trustworthy, and discreet — within reason. They are
It is not always easy to take an empathic, tolerant,
respectful of the people they deal with and have a steady
acceptant, compassionate, and realistic view of our own
regard for other people’s autonomy and reality. In their work,
humanness. But being effective as a helper, be it a mentor
they are able to put their own interests and concerns aside in
or otherwise, can be a very challenging proposition. It can be
the presence of others. They like to help others obtain in-
difficult to tolerate not knowing; to be silent with others in a
depth insights about the way they function. While doing this
moment of despair or confusion; to be with others in difficult
kind of helping or mentoring, they have the knack of making
times of grief and bereavement. But effective, helpful
other people shine. They enhance the learning process with
executives are prepared to face these issues and accept
their skill at asking good questions that make others think and
personal vulnerabilities while doing so. What’s more, they
feel challenged and supported rather than criticized. They
understand that the nature of their work, and the stresses
are also prepared to face difficult questions and ready to tell
and challenges it creates in their personal lives, will cause
the truth even if it is not what people would like to hear. But
distress that needs to be addressed proactively. Therefore,
they also time their inventions well, striking when the iron is
constructive rescuers accept that ongoing self-care is needed
cold: Too early and the intervention does not stick; too late
to prevent burnout and impaired professional competence.
and the opportunity has passed. Their openness and frank-
Through self-understanding, executives can raise the
ness, and their ability to recognize and express their own
quality of their relationships with the people they are men-
feelings in the interface with the people they work with,
toring by becoming aware of their own unique attachments
makes these exchanges extremely valuable. And they can be
and aversions. By knowing their own limitations, ensuring
even more effective if they know how to use humor well.
that they have their own support system, they will ensure
Constructive rescuers are also exceptional listeners. Their
that they don’t fall victim to the Rescuer Syndrome.
ability to make the people they work with feel understood
enables them to build an effective relationship with them.
Establishing such bonds necessitates the capacity for empa-
thy, that is, identification with and understanding of
another’s situation, feelings, and motives — the ability to
recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another.
Mentor, helper or rescuer 247

SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY

The Altruism Reader (Philadelphia: Templeton Foundation
Press, 2007) by Thomas Oord provides an excellent anthology
to better understand the various dimensions of altruistic
behavior. This reader includes key selections pertaining to
the dynamics of helping (and self-sacrificing behavior)
derived from religious texts, the work of philosophers, ethi-
cists, anthropologists, sociologists, biologists, evolutionary
psychologists, and neurologists Also, I wrote about the
altruistic motive in one of the chapters of my book (Manfred
Kets de Vries) Sex, Money, Happiness, and Death (New York:
Palgrave/MacMillan, 2009). In this text, I explore the ques-
tion why people transcend the bounds of kinship and self-
interest to help out of genuine concern for the welfare of
others. Furthermore, adding to insights about the psycholo-
gical makeup of altruists, are the articles by Beth J. Seelig
and Lisa S. Rosof, ‘‘Normal and Pathological Altruism,’’ Jour-
nal of the American Psychoanalytic Association, 2001, 49,
933—958, and of Nancy McWilliams ‘‘The Psychology of the
Altruist,’’ Psychoanalytic Psychology, 1984, 1, 193—213.
A considerable amount of literature is available about the
disease to please, or the white knight syndrome. A good
expose of what it takes to become a compulsive rescuer can
be found in the book The White Knight Syndrome (Oakland,
CA: New Harbinger Publications, 2009) by Mary C. Lamia, and
Marilyn J. Krieger. This text deconstructs how people fall into
dysfunctional relationship patterns and how others compul-
sively seek to be rescued. Also, in the book The Disease to
Please (New York: McGraw-Hill, 2001) by Harriet B. Braiker,
an expose can be found of people who struggle with where,
when, and how to draw the line between their own desires
and the demands of others. These authors explore how the
uncontrollable need for the elusive approval of others can
turn into an addiction. They examine how by trying so hard to
please others, these people end up pleasing no one — includ-
ing themselves. Also recommended is the article by Robert
Hale, ‘‘How our Patients Make us Ill,’’ Advances in Psychiatric
Treatment, 1997, 3, 254—258 that provides additional
insights about this dysfunctional behavior pattern. In addi-
tion, in the contribution by Pia Mellody, Facing Codepen-
dence: What it is, Where it comes from, How it Sabotages our
Lives (New York: HarperCollins, 1989) the reasons are
explored why people have difficulty recognizing and
acknowledging their own needs. Also, concerning the topic
of ‘‘false connections’’ (due to transference and counter-
transference relationships) the book by R.J. Marshall and S.V.
Marshall, The Transference Countertransference Matrix
(New York: Columbia University Press, 1988) is very illumi-
nating. My book (Manfred Kets de Vries), The Leader on the
Couch (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2006) also includes an
elaborate discussion of this phenomenon.
In answering the question why people want to be in the
rescuing business, I found Sofie Bager-Charleson’s book Why
Therapists Choose to Become Therapists (London: Karnac,
2010) quite helpful. Also, the edited book by Windy Dryden
and Lawrence Spurling, On Becoming a Psychotherapist (Lon-
don: Routledge, 1989), and the contribution by Philip J. Flores,
Addiction as an Attachment Disorder (Lanham, MD: Jason
Aronson, 2004) provide many insights of why people want to
help. What’s more, these books touch on the stress associated
with rescuing. However, the contributions by Ved Varma,
Stress in Psychotherapists (London: Taylor & Francis, 2004),
Jerry Edelwich and Archie Brodsky, Burn-out: Stages of Dis-
illusionment in the Helping Professions (New York: Human
Sciences Press, 1980), and E. Lakin Philips, Stress, Health and
Psychological Problems in the Major Professions (Washington,
DC: University Press of America, 1983) address this subject
more directly. The same theme is also explored in articles such
as Richard Tillet, ‘‘The Patient within — Psychopathology in the
Helping Professions,’’ Advances in Psychiatric Treatment,
2003, 9, 272—27, and Amanda Ramirez et al, ‘‘Mental Health
of Hospital Consultants: The Effects of Stress and Satisfaction
at Work,’’ Lancet, 1996, 347, 724—728.
Finally, the articles by Theresa M. O’Halloran and J. M.
Linton, ‘‘Stress on the Job: Self-care Resources for Counse-
lors,’’ Journal of Mental Health Counseling, 2000, 22, 354—
365, Michael F. O’Connor, ‘‘On the Etiology and Effective
Management of Professional Distress and Impairment among
Psychologists,’’ Professional Psychology: Research and Prac-
tice, 2001, 32, 345—350 and Edgar Heim, ‘‘Job Stressors and
Coping in Health Professions, Psychotherapy and Psychoso-
matics, 1991, 55, 90—99, include many suggestions of how to
deal with the rescuer syndrome.

Manfred F.R. Kets de Vries holds the Raoul de Vitry d’Avaucourt Chair of Leadership Development and
Organizational Change at INSEAD, France, Singapore, and Abu Dhabi. He is also the Distinguished Visiting Professor
of Leadership Development Research at the European Institute of Management and Technology in Berlin. In
addition, he has been the founder of INSEAD’s Global Leadership Center, one of the largest leadership development
centers in the world. He is the author, co-author, or editor of more than 36 books, and more than 350 articles. As an
educator and consultant he has worked in more than 40 countries. He is the chairman of the Kets de Vries Institute
(KDVI), a boutique organizational consulting firm. In addition, Kets de Vries is also a psychoanalyst and a member of
the Canadian Psychoanalytic Society and the International Psychoanalytical Association. The Financial Times, Le
Capital, Wirtschaftswoche, and The Economist have judged Kets de Vries as one of the 50 most influential
management thinkers of the world. He is the recipient of many awards, including two honorary doctorates
(INSEAD, The Business School for the World, Boulevard de Constance — 77305 Fontainebleau Cedex, France.
Tel.: +33 01 60 72 41 55; fax: +33 01 60 72 42; e-mail: manfred.ketsdevries@insead.edu; www.kdvi.com).