3/10/2018

INTRODUCTION
The CodependenCy Cure ™
RECOVERING FROM SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™
Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, CSAT
Self-Love Recovery Institute
Clinical Care Consultants
Arlington Heights, Illinois, USA
Rossr61@Comcast.net
847-749-0514
www.ClinicalCareConsultants.com
www.AdvancedClinicalTrainers.com
www.HumanMagnetSyndrome.com
• Human Magnet Syndrome answers “why’s” & “how come’s”
• Needed to come first
• Can’t solve a problem if you don’t know what it is
 If you don’t see it in yourself
 If what you know is wrong (and you don’t know it)
“If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as aA.nail”
Maslow
• Myth of Columbus’s arriving in “the new world”
• To understand the “Cure” we have to do more digging into CoD
(c) Ross Rosenberg

CODEPENDENCY REDEFINED À LA HMS REDEFINING “CODEPENDENCY”

• A condition of self-volition • Psychological condition manifested in relationships
• The CoD is a participant to the problem
• CoD’s give most of the love, respect & caring (LRC) in relationships
 And a victim
• CoD’s & Pnarc’s are attracted & attractive to each other • CoD’s try to correct the lack of LRC reciprocity
• Once in a relationship they are bonded because of • CoD’s cannot make the Pnarc reciprocate
• Attachment trauma • Despite anger/resentment, CoD’s tolerate the lack of LRC reciprocity
• Core shame
• Despite the above, CoD’s do not terminate the relationship
• Pathological Loneliness
• CoD Addiction • If terminating or terminated, CoD’s repeat the pattern
(c) Rosenberg, 2016 (c) Ross Rosenberg

1

THE CODEPENDENCY CURE IS HMS’ NEXT STEP
• Answers the “what to do” question
• Theories, concepts, definitions, explanations, & techniques
• Based an a wide-array of existing theory and practice
• An amalgamations (merging) of theories & techniques
 Nothing new
 Completely new
• Derived from personal & professional experience
• Proven effective (c) Ross Rosenberg
“CODEPENDENCY” NO MORE
• Overused, misused & misunderstood
• Over generalized
• Originally: partner of an addict
• Implies weakness, neediness, clinginess
• Shaming & pejorative
• Our clients do not like it
• Not respected in clinical circles
(c) Ross Rosenberg
3/10/2018
WHY “THE CURE?”
• We’ve been treating symptoms all along
 High rate of treatment failure & relapses
• We cant solve (treat) a problem if we don’t know what it is
• Treatment needs to align with the problem
 Bloodletting & lobotomies
• Not like alcoholism / Not a life-long problem
• The problem with 12-Step, addiction & disease model
• CoD Cure renames, re-defines, re-explains the problem(s)
 Re-conceptualizes treatment
(c) Ross Rosenberg
“CODEPENDENCY” NO MORE
• Introducing SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™ (SLDD)
 The problem is SLDD
 The person is SELF LOVE DEFICIENT (SLD)
 The solution or “cure” is “SELF-LOVE ABUNDANT (SLA)
• Neither stigmatizing nor shaming
• Most SLD’s prefer the name. Most are relieved by it
• The name points to the problem & the solution
• Codependency symptoms of deeper problems
2
 3/10/2018

CONDEPENDENCY WAS NEVER THE PROBLEM

• SLDD is 4th level symptom of trauma
• SLD’s are born to a pathologically narcissistic parent
 Suffered attachment trauma
 Developed core shame
 Resulting pathological loneliness
 SLDD Addiction develops
• Compulsive attemps to“medicate” the pain
Attachment Trauma Core Shame Pathological
Loneliness SLDD Addiction SLDD
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

IF A “CURE,” SHOULDN’T THE NAME CHANGE? PYRAMID LEVEL ONE: ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
• If you have Major Depression or ADHD and stop taking meds,  Is the foundation Self-Love
you still have the Disorder Deficit Disorder
 No cure  PTSDesque
 If you have SLDD and solve each of the underlying primarly  Similar diagnostic profile
problems, then the disorder is permanently resolved
 So chronic, assumed to be
 Another name for The CoD Cure is “Self-Love Recovery™” the “personality”
 The goal of Self-Love Recovery, or the “Cure”
 Not always remembered
 Self-Love Abundance (c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg  May be preverbal

3
 3/10/2018

ATTACHMENT TRAUMA THE SUBJECTIVE EXPERIENCE OF TRAUMA

• Similar to PTSD • It is not what happened but the experience of it
• Developmental trauma is amorphous • Two people, experiencing the same trauma…
• Manifests unconsciously / invisible  Why does one have it
• Produces SLDD’s core shame, which produces pathological and not the other?
loneliness, which produces SLDD Addiction and then SLDD itself • Mitigating factors
• Managed by psychological & neurobiological & defense mechs. • Buffering factors
• Replicated in adult relationships • Psychological resilience
• SLDD is the “walking” attachment trauma
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• Personality type (c) Ross Rosenberg

DETERMINING TRAUMA SEVERITY THE CONTINUUM OF TRAUMA

• Previous trauma history (PTSD) • Preceding psychological stressors • Organized according to 5 levels of severity
• The event itself • Physical or medical vulnerabililty
• Linearly organized by
• Frequency • Personality type
 Predisposing factors
• Severity • Resilience levels
 Mitigating factors
• Any preparation • Baseline self-esteem level
 Buffering factors
• Feeling powerless • Absence of support systems
 Resiliency factors
• Element of surprised/shock • Feelings of responsibility
• Element of terror  The brain’s ability to process it
• Guilt/shame over pleasure
• Preceding environmental stressors•  The brains ability to integrate it
Gaslighting (c) Ross Rosenberg

4
 3/10/2018

TRAUMA CATEGORIES THE TRAUMA CONTINUUM

Mild Trauma
• Internal resources are sufficient
Moderate Trauma
• Requires/responds to support
Harmful Trauma
• Requires/responds to crisis intervention
Severe Trauma/PTSD
• Trips the “circuit breaker”
• Triggers dissociation / repression
• Activates limbic system vault
Catastrophic/Chronic Trauma/ Complex PTSD 1 2 3 4 5
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

ATTACHMENT TRAUMA IN THE BRAIN

TRAUMA IS STORED IN THE AMYGDALA
• When the prefrontal cortex’s conscious resources are insufficient • Amygdala receives input from the sensory systems

• Evolutionary survival mechanism  Attaches emotional meaning

• Safely removes self-destructive trauma from consciouosness  Signals parts of the brain when there is danger
• Processed and encapsulated in the limbic system  Alerts the body to defend itself (actions or inactions)
• Mechanisms prevent memories to be encoded to pref. cortex • Trauma is encoded “ultra HD video files” in Amygdala
• Trauma memory(ies) encoded in the amygdala • Evolution made them
 “Cryogenically unavailable to Pref. Cortex (reg. memory)
frozen”
 Sensations/body feelings/autonomic responses • Triggered/activated
 Original emotionswhen
are same/similar dangermemories
attached to sensory is present
 Visual and verbal memory diffuse • No
(c) Ross Rosenberg • memory,
Exquisitebut autonomic
details reactions/body sensations
“remembered”
(c) Ross Rosenberg

5
 3/10/2018

TRAUMA “CIRCUIT BREAKER” ATTACHMENT THEORY (John Bowlby)

• Disordered trauma is that which the brain cannot manage • A deep & enduring emotional bond that connects one person to
another across time & space (Ainsworth, 1973; Bowlby, 1969)
• Severe trauma trips the brains “circuit breaker”
• Attachment creates a mental representation of the caregiver that is
• Will potentially “overload” the “system” portable & can sooth a person in difficult moments
• Taken “off line” (consciousness) & relegated to limbic system • Positive attachment allows infant’s genetically programmed social,
emotional, cognitive skills to develop.
• Repression / Dissociation • The quality of an infant’s attachment is correlated with, if not
• The more profound the trauma, predictive of, adult relationship attachments
the deeper it is buried • A positive attachment lays the foundation for stable/satisfying future
relationships.
• The more difficult to access
(c) Ross Rosenberg • Insufficient, absent, abusive attachment causes attachment trauma
(c) Ross Rosenberg

ATTACHMENT TRAUMA IS “VITAMIN DEFICIENCY DISORDER”

• Unconditional love, respect & caring = Vitamin L(ove)
• Vitamin L promotes genetically programmed
social, emotional, and cognitive skills to develop.
• As children need real vitamins they need “attachment vitamins” too
• Chronic childhood neglect, deprivation, abuse = V.D.D.
• Narcissistic (& CoD) parents deprive Vit. L
• The absence of Vitamin L = attachment trauma
• Resulting in either adult SLDD or Pnarc
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

6
 3/10/2018

SLDD PYRAMID
LEVEL 2:
CORE SHAME

(c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD & CORE SHAME

• The antithesis of self-love
• Shame is the outer skin of attachment trauma
• It’s the identification of the attachment trauma
• Feeling fundamentally defective/damaged
• The “human doing” who never could be a “human being”
• We must resolve it for long-term SLDD recovery
• Shame feeds on itself
 A perpetual double bind
 A self-fulfilling prophecy
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

7
 3/10/2018

GOD PROJECTION and CORE SHAME THE SHAME ICEBERG

• Two levels of core shame Conscious Allowable
• SL’s get lost in the “original sin” concept Conscious: allowable shame Shame
Repressed: dirty shame

SDD RESOLUTION / SELF-LOVE RECOVERY

• SLD’s project core shame onto God
• Separated by disossciation
• “Since God is all knowing & seeing, he sees how “bad” I am”
• Unconscious shame is the
• Shame is reinforced with “unanswered prayers” doorway into attachment trauma
• SLA project core self-love onto God • Integration of shame is difficult
Attachment
• Unconditional love and forgiveness takes on a new shape • Self-Love Recovery brings shame Trauma
to the surface Unconscious

SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL THREE: PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS

• The emotional background of the attachment trauma experience
• Painful yearning to be loved
• An existential disease
• Do not feel whole
• Do not fit in one’s own skin
• Painful realization that it can’t happen

(c) Ross Rosenberg

• Floating in the world, in need of an anchor

8
 3/10/2018

PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS
SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL 4:
• Loneliness on crack!
• EXTREMELY PAINFUL
SLDD ADDICTION
• Acute suffering
• Body & emotional feeling
• A feeling of invisibility
• Acute feelings of:
 Worthlessness
 Unlovability
 Existential void (c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD PYRAMID LEVEL 5:

SLDD ADDICTION SOLVES PATHOLOGICAL LONELINESS
SELF-LOVE DEFICIT DISORDER™
• The need to self-medicate
• Seeking to numb pain
• Seeking to distract
• Seeking fantasy that cannot never happen
• The pursuit of a relationship drives SLDD addiction
• The only natural person is a Pnarc

9
 3/10/2018

IT TOOK A WHILE TO DEVELOP

THE 10 STAGE
SELF-LOVE
DEFICIT
DISORDER
TREATMENT
MODEL

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

SLDD OR “SELF-LOVE RECOVERY ISN’T BAND-AID THERAPY
• Codependency treatment hasn’t been addressing root problems
• “Band-aid therapy” addresses symptoms while believing otherwise
 Mistakes symptoms for problems
 At best, offers only symptom relief
 Covers wounds with hopes of healing
 “Band-aid always “fall off”
Relapse
SLD blames themselves
Core shame spiral
(c) Ross Rosenberg
THE 10 STAGE SLDD TREATMENT MODEL
• The scaffolding of the CoD Cure
 From attachment trauma to self-love
• Begins as SLDD / Ends as SLA -
• Multi-theoretical
• Linear model
• Progressive - Erikson-like rules
• Stages represents a specific phase of recovery
• Within each stage multiple treatment techniques are used
(c) Ross Rosenberg

10
 3/10/2018

THE STAGES THE 11 PROMISES—WHAT YOU WILL ACHIEVE

• Resolves Self-Love Deficit Disorder 1. Identifies explains root causes of SLDD
• Facilitates Self-Love Abundance 2. Resolves attachment trauma
• Permanently changes relationship template 3. Neutralizes core shame.
• Changes HMS “magnet properties” 4. Eradicates pathological loneliness
 The “dance doesn’t work anymore 5. Ends need to self-medicate
• After stage 6, self-perpetuating 6. Ends SLDD addiction
 Feels too good to go back 7. HMS attraction patterns re-calibrate
 SLA’s protect newfound emotional freedom & self-love 8. The emergence of existential peace
(c) Ross Rosenberg 9. “The Cure” - Permanent SLA
(c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM

Begins With The Unstopable Avalance

BUT YOU SURVIVE

(c) Ross Rosenberg

(c) Ross Rosenberg

11
 3/10/2018

STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM – Introducing Hope

• Life is totally out of control
• Consequences and losses build
• Unbearable pain
• Feeling defeated
• Worn out
• Breaking point
• When giving up feels like an option
• The avalanche of the accumulation of losses
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 1: HITTING BOTTOM – Introducing Hope

STAGE 1 REFRAMES SELF-LOVE RECOVERY
• Breaking the silence/telling the secret
• Deciding to end narcissistic abuse
• Desperation and fear transitions to hope
• Courage is mustered
• A glimmer of hope presents itself
• Ready to reach out for help
• Attend support groups THESE ARE DANGEROUS TIMES
• Seek mental health services
(c) Ross Rosenberg

12
 3/10/2018

STAGE 1 IS SELLING HOPE WHEN WE HAVE TO SELL COURAGE & VULNERABILITY

Introducing Hope

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

A RADICAL PERSPECTIVE SHIFT TIPPING THE SCALE TOWARD SELF-LOVE RECOVERY

• From self-love deficient The Cost Benefit Excercize
• To the possibility of
self-love abundant • Create “costs” of SLDD recovery list
• From broken to becoming  Differential between real and imagined (gaslit)
• The “journey”
• Challenge conclusions
GREYHOUND BY HARRY CHAPIN
Stepping off this dirty bus first time I understood • Challenge logic
It's got to be the going not the getting there that's good
• Compare lists & draw conclusions
That's a thought for keeping if I could
It's got to be the going not the getting there that's good • Revisit it & compare versions
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

13
 3/10/2018

SLDD BEGINS AS COMPLETELY DEPENDENT UNCOVERING MIND CONTROL/BRAINWASHING

• Emotionally dependent on Pnarc The Stockholm Syndrome
 Counter-intuitive • Capture bonding
• Methodically stripped of • Projective identification
 Confidence / Self-esteem • Empathizing & sympathizing with captor
 Mental and/or physical health • Defending/protecting captor
 Employment • Mistaking decrease or cessation of abuse as
 Feelings of self-efficacy act of kindness
 Psychological / emotional resources • Loyalty to the captor
 External: job, money, home, car • Complete sacrifice to the captor
(c) Ross Rosenberg

UNCOVERING GASLIGHTING/BREAKING THE “SPELL” GASLIGHTING

• Gaslighters GL’s = Pnarc’s
• Gaslit Victims GLV = SLD’s
• Introduce idea that their thoughts might not be their own
• Be ready to prove
• Be sensitive of loyalty response
• Explain Gaslighting & GL Narratives
 Self vs. Gaslit Self Narratives
 Relational vs. Gaslit Relational Narratives
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• Systematically feeding untrue info to create doubt about one’s
memory, perception and sanity
• Convincing victim they have problems that previously did not exist
• Manipulating environment to demonstrate the implanted problems
• Purposefully decreasing one’s self-esteem & confidence to render
them insecure and, therefore, dependent
• Turning victim against their own judgment, trust & intuition
• Victim eventually identifies & adopts the implanted problem
• Proving the PNarc is right
• Losing hope and giving up control
(c) Ross Rosenberg

14
 3/10/2018

THE “PERFECT STORM” FOR GASLIGHTING INDENTIFYING PNARC’S MANIPULATION OF THE ENVIRONMENT
1. Self-Love Deficit Disorder, SLDD™ • The therapist/therapy/treatment
2. Attachment trauma • Family & friends (social)
3. Core shame • Occupational & financial
4. Pathological loneliness • Emotional/psychological - makes life more challenging
5. Addicted to a Pnarc (can’t leave)
• Physical – Living environment
6. Codependency/SLDD
• Medication & drugs
7. Isolation
• Creates new obstacles
8. Dependency
9. Co-occurring mental health problems/disorders • Blocking, obstructing, and sabotaging – making it easy to give up

STAGE 2: HMS /CODEPENDENCY CURE EDUCATION INTRODUCING THE CONCEPT OF SLDD RESPONSIBLITY
• “Codependency”
• “Self-Love Deficit Disorder” (SLDD)
• It is not about blaming
• The “Dance” & other Human Magnet Syndrome concepts • But accepting
• Chemistry, limerence & the SLD Delusion responsibility
• The SLDD Pyramid • “Owning” one’s SLDD
• How SLDD developed • Seeking help for it
• Not “owning” or denying
• Reframing being a “victim” to “survivor”
one’s responsiblities, keeps
• Pnarc’s power and control strategies the “dance” going
• The passing of the SLD baton
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

15
 3/10/2018

STAGE 3: ABOUT SLDD ADDICTION FRAMING SLDD AS AN ADDICTION

• Deconstructing pathological loneliness
• illustrating its ubiquity while giving it shape
• Signs & symptoms
 Withdrawal symptoms
 “Detoxing” from acute loneliness
• Introduce sexual/relational abstinence reqirement
• Promotie 12-Step Programs for ancillary help
• Begin addiction based counseling
• Psychoeducation & empathy – lots of it!
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• “Powerlessness”
• “Unmanageability”
• The “monster within,” not the person
• Paradoxical benefits (shame analgesic)
• Connect addiction to HMS concepts (Stage 2)
• Prepares for the “impossible seeming withdrawals
• My “Surgeon General’s” warning
• Many cannot get past it – relapse early on
(c) Ross Rosenberg

CODEPENDENCY ANONYMOUS/12 STEP GROUPS

• Not therapy, but a crucial element to recovery
• Accountability
• Relapse prevention
THE PROHIBITION
• Socialization – counters loneliness
OF DATING
• Mentorship
AND SEX
• Working the steps
• People become mirrors for each other
 Seeing in others what they can’t see in themselves
(c) Ross Rosenberg

16

STAGE 4: PREPARING FOR THE NARCISSISTIC STORM
• Why this stage was added
• The planning & more learning stage
• Keeping safe from retaliation
• Addresses imminent risk, i.e., domestic violence
 Triangulation
 Parental alienation syndrome
 Sabotage
 Public and personal shaming
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• May require drastic changes/moves
PREDICTIVE AWARENESS
• You cannot protect yourself from what you don’t see
• Neutralizes Pnarc abuse through knowledge acquisition
• Teach/facilitate understanding:
 How the Pnarc manipulates
 Why the Pnarc manipulates
• Teach/facilitate understanding:
 SLD Pnarc vulnerabilities
 Why their lifetime of “wrestling defeats”
3/10/2018
SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING = SLDD RECOVERY WARNING
• An ethical mandate
• Proposes realistic expectations
• Creates a very informed decision
• Facilitates a cost / benefit discussion
• Instills hope while preparing for the worst
• Realistically prepares for withdrawals and difficulties
• Prepares them for PNARC backlash
• Decreases probability for SLDD relapse
(c) Ross Rosenberg
PREDICTIVE AWARENESS
• It’s the indepth study of the Pnarc
• Learning/mastering how and why PNarc’s manipulate
 Their arsenal of tactics
 What they do to the person
 How they turn a person against themselves
 Their domination & control strategies (wrestling moves)
• Becoming aware of one’s own emotional vulnerabilities
• Prerequisite for ODA (cannot skip!)
17
 3/10/2018

THE PREDICTIVE AWARENESS MASTERING NARCISSIST ABUSE “CHESS”

• Like playing chess, knowing your opponent’s game style while
being able to predict their moves will foster “wins”
• Cognizant of and ready for the narcissist’s engagement strategies
• Neutralizes their stealthy forms of manipulations
• Emboldens the defender to use ODA.
• Knowing what, how, & why of PNarc manipulation sets a
foundation for a calm and effective defense
• Breaking down or violating a boundary is neutralized
(c) Ross Rosenberg

MAGICAL THINKING
• Similar to the codependency delusion

• Attributes causal relationships between actions and events

that cannot be justified by reason and observation.

• The surge for excitement for the ride places you in the long line • Hamster wheel-like thought process
• Forgetting about the fear of the last ride
• During & after the ride, promise self to never to it again • Working, working, working to get
• Later, like an addiction, the memory of the fun returns somewhere, but never actually moving
• Compulsion to get back “on the roller coaster” forward
• While dismissing or forgetting consequences

18
 3/10/2018

THE CODEPENDENCY/SLDD DELUSION BOUNDARIES ON PNARC’S DON’T WORK!

• A belief system that is not supported by reality. • SLDD’s struggle
IT’S TIME in setting
TO USE boundaries
ANOTHER DEFENSIVE STRATEGY
• It is “delusional” to believe a person can control a PNarc • SLDD’s have a life time of failing
ONE THAT DOESN’T INVOLVE FIGHTING
• Believe they can change/cure a Personality Disorder PNarc’s
• FOURare oblivious
REASONS TOtoSTOP
them
• Believe they can win the “matches” • Pnarc’s disregard boundaries/limit setting of PNarc’s
• Despite losing record, keep expecting a win
“Insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again,
but expecting different results.”
— 1981 NA Pamphlet

19
 3/10/2018

STOP WRESTLING WITH PIGS!

Because they mostly

lose in the “physical and
emotional wrestling rings”

PNARC WINS BECAUSE THEY HAVE HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE THE INDUCED CONVERSATION
• “Pnarc pig wrestlers” know every square inch of their “ring” • The deadliest of the Pnarc “wrestling moves”
• Always win in their ring • Calculated attempts to engage a person in a conversation for
the sole purpose of manipulation, control, and domination
• Won’t fight in other’s • Exploiting SLD’s reflex to defend themselves
• Winning = getting them in it  And their propensity to “make-up and be nice”
• Coercing & manipulating • Recurs because of Roller coaster Amnesia & Magical Thinking
SLD into entering their “ring”
• The content of such conversations is irrelevant
• Opponents lack experience and skills • Being manipulated in one or both wrestling rings
in “mud & slop”
• One of many “hoovering” techniques

20

FALSE POWER SYNDROME (FPS)
• Anger that makes us:
 Feel stronger, smarter & more cunning
 Believe we can prevail against the odds
 Provoke a fight, when we normally wouldn’t
 Believe we can win when we have never
• Rooted in our evolution
• Not effective against Pnarc’s
• When FPS subsides, we are stuck in the middle of the ring
 With a major “WTF “ realization
• Despite the “ass whipping,” FPS puts us back in the “ring”
PHYSICAL WRESTLING RING
• Where the actual fight takes place
• Observable reactions: behavior, body, voice, breathing, email,
phone
• Home field advantage for PNarc
• Chosen & hosted by PNarc (manipulatively)
• PNarc is familiar with every square inch!
• Where they honed his “skills”
3/10/2018
PNARC’s PURPOSELY ACTIVATE FPS
• Pnarcs need a fight to maintain power & control
• “Champion wrestlers” don’t fight in a swimming pool
• Winning rests on getting SLD into the “ring”
• Pnarc’s antagonize/instigate until FPS is activated
• SLD’s run into the ring with high hopes
• But always get a “smack down”
• Despite humiliation and degradation
• They will get back into the “ring”
THE EMOTIONAL WRESTLING RING
• The Pnarc win’s most of these matches
• The fight that occurs in the SLD’s head
• The Pnarc’s voice becomes yours
 And you don’t know it!
• Fears, insecurities, pessimism,
self-loathing, paranoia…
• Beats down the SLD before, during, and after the fight
• Most SLD’s “fights” fights are lost here
21

OBSERVE DON’T ABSORB’S EIGHT TENETS
1. SLDD recovery requires a potent passive defense strategy
2. Emotional & physical reaction to the Pnarc, weakens SLD
3. Your behavioral & emotional reactions are not yours
4. False Power Syndrome is your enemy & Pnarc’s friend
5. Emotionally disconnection = purposeful/healthy disossociation
6. ODA disassociation = no physical reaction
7. ODA dissociation = emotional equanimity
8. Emotional equanimity = power, control, and self-determination
“OBSERVING” IS HEALTHY DISSOCIATION
• Observing without activation (absorbing) requires practice
• Sharp focus and hypervigilance in the face of dangerous
• Relies on the calculated and purposeful healthy dissociation
• Watching with emotional detachment as a scheming Pnarc
tries to draw you into his wrestling ring
• Reigning in compulsion to engage or fight back
• Self-defence by observing, not reacting
3/10/2018
THE OBSERVE DON’T ABSORB (ODA) TECHNIQUE©
• PNarcs thrive on power & control dynamics
 Overt and covert manipulation
 Draws the victim into emotional conflict/drama
 Their wrestling ring is home-field advantage
• PNARC's are impossible adversaries for CoD’s
• It takes two people to wrestle (and dance)
• A fight cannot be won if there is no opponent
• If there is no opponent, there is no fight
(c) Ross Rosenberg
OBSERVING
• Deciding not to react to provocation
• Responding carefully to provocations without being activated
• Rational and logical reaction to PNARC’s manipulation
• Being Spock!
(c) Ross Rosenberg
22

OBSERVING
• Putting Predictive Awareness to use
• Disconnecting emotional self
• Connecting to observational self
• Self-induced affective dissociation
• Rationally controlled observation
• Not feeling, but watching
• Watching the PNARC trying to
elicit a response
• Hyper-vigilant attention
• Being the camera
(c) Ross Rosenberg
ABSORBING
• Stuck by the “poisonous syringe”
• Letting the PNARC’s toxic world inside
• Compelled to fight back
• FPS activated
• Rational mind is commandeered
 Intellectual & emotional
 Rational choices replaced by irrational ones
• Attachment trauma and/or PTSD activated
• Limbic system placed on line
 Fight or flight
 Unconscious trauma reactions
(c) Ross Rosenberg
3/10/2018
DON’T ABSORB!
• Power/Control requires an emotional reaction
• Absorbing = Activation
• Activation = Pnarc’s “poison” inside you
• Which create powerlessness
• Absorbing = getting sick
 Loss of capacity to protect self from PNARC
• Not absorbing = free from harm
 Diminishes PNARC’s malignant capabilities
 Neutralizes Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
(c) Ross Rosenberg
ODA FANTASY DEFENSE TECHNIQUES
• Purposeful and conscious “games” to keep you tied to ODA
• Helps redirect focus in order to keep observing and not absorbing
• Maintains “home field advantage”
(c) Ross Rosenberg
23
 3/10/2018

BE MR. SPOCK ODA IN THE HEAD: DISIDENTIFYING WITH THE VOICES

Watch unemotionally • Applying ODA internally
for the Pnarc’s method
• “Stinking thinking”
You might finding it • Self-defeating emotions & thoughts
interesting too! • Although the “voices” were not orginally the SLD’s
• They identify as their own
• SLD needs to identify the original “speaker”
• Identify when they became their voices
• Apply ODA on the voices

STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT
Proactively Create A Safety Net • Need to be in therapy
• PTSD-like reactions (from attachment trauma) • Most difficult & challenging stage

• Prepare for the onslaught of narcissistic injuries & reactions • Removing filters for pure unadulterated perception
• The Continuum of Self & Family Systems Theories prediction
• Prepare for overt or covert reactions
• Change is perceived as a threat
• Be vigilant for attacks
• Forces are consequently mobilized to neutralize change
 Passive, aggressive or covert • If change proceeds, then equilibrium is lost
• Be ready to use ODA • Without equilibrium, this is when “the shit hits the fan”
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

24
 3/10/2018

STAGE 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT SETTING BOUNDARIES IN A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT

Retaliation and/or Retribution
• Metaphorically peeling the Pnarc’s fingers away from their
throat • Need for physical safety
• Address imminent risk, i.e., domestic violence
• With the intention of stopping the Pnarc’s chokehold of them.
• Change of residence
• One boundary at a time, • Triangulation
• SLD begins to insulate and protect themselves from the Pnarc  Children, friends, family
• Parental alienation syndrome
• Sabotage
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• Public and personal shaming(c) Ross Rosenberg

SETTING BOUNDARIES WITHOUT EXPLANATIONS

(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015
• Remember induced conversation
• No explanations!
• Just logical and causal statements or boundaries
• Simple, concise, factual
• Giving positive consequences for following the rule
• Giving negative consequences for violating a rule
• Set boundaries logically, predictably and consistently
• Deliver the consequence, not the argument!

25
 3/10/2018

3 STRIKE YOU’RE OUT, RULE Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES
• Focused ODA
• Boundary repition with 2 variations
• Paraphrased twice
• Physically disconnect after #3
• Be prepared to back out/walk away
• If unsafe, set hard protective boundary
• Remember the neutralzing power of induced converstation
(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015
(c) Ross Rosenberg

Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES
• Most pathological narcissists will be gone • Learn differences between healthy & narcissistic relationships

• Many NARC’s end the relationship

• Neutralize double bind: “selfish when self-loving”
• Staying strong/resolute despite ongoing NARC injuries
• SLD will terminate relationship(s) that are toxic – if possible
• Focus on SLDD Addiction
• Stage in which the “wheat is separated from the chafe”
• Introduce relapse prevention strategies
• Intensive focus on ODA
• Accountability partners
• Exercising the “no muscle”
• 12-Step groups
• Learning about emotional and physical boundaries • Offset loneliness and isolation
(c) Ross Rosenberg, 2015
(c) Ross Rosenberg

26
 3/10/2018

Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES

The Prohibition of Romantic Relationships/Sex
• Premature confidence is a problem
STRICT • Despite the resolution of path. loneliness, relapse is possible
PROHIBITION • Recovering alcoholics in early recovery don’t hang out in bars
OF DATING
• Trauma work triggers need to act out
AND SEX
• SLD’s learn to fight back by solving problems
 Not escaping from them
• IMPOSSIBLE to resolve self-love deficiency when “high” on
limerence (c) Ross Rosenberg

Stage 6: MAINTAINING SAFE & SECURE BOUNDARIES

• Learn differences between healthy & narcissistic relationships
• Neutralize double bind: “selfish when self-loving”
• Staying strong/resolute despite ongoing NARC injuries
• Focus on SLDD Addiction
• Introduce relapse prevention strategies
• Accountability partners
• 12-Step groups
• Offset loneliness and isolation
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

27
 3/10/2018

FIREMAN PRACTICE Trauma Resolution

• SLA is not about perfection, it is Requires Vulnerability & Courage
about resiliency
• Mistakes happen… relapses happen
• Practice, practice practice…
 Putting fires out
• While not getting “burned” or “engulfed”
 ”Acclimate to losses of friends & family
 Practice the “bounce back
 Practice trusting others to be there for you (c) Ross Rosenberg

UNCOVERING THE REPRESSED ATTACHMENT TRAUMA STAGE 7: RESOLVING & INTERGRATING ATTACHMENT TRAUMA
• SLDD is not the problem but a symptom • Stages 8 – 10 not possible without it
• Pretending to be the problem itself
• Requires licensed, trained & experienced trauma specialist
• Manifesting as an addiction
• Kept around by pathological loneliness • EMDR is not enough!
• But originating from attachment trauma • This stage directly taps into the frozen “trauma child”
• But it is often repressed
• Treatment is required to address the problem • Disossociated / repressed trauma
 But what is it exactly? • PTSDesque work
 Where do you find it?
 And how do you find it?
(c) Ross Rosenberg

28

PALEOPSYCHOTHERAPY: The Trauma Treatment Metaphor
Trauma Excavation
Trauma Fossils
• “Digging” for trauma fragments
• Long forgotten/buried core trauma
• Sifting through memories
memories
• Re-constructing lost memories
• Physical representation of repression
• Carefully piecing them together
• Remnants of defense mechanisms
• To reconstruct the past
• The forgotten / unknown story
• Tells the story of the events that led to
death (core trauma)
• Illustrates evolution & devolution
(c) Ross Rosenberg
PALEOTHERAPY
 Drilling down takes great skill
 Sensitivity for the fragility of the fossil
 Patience
 Comes together in pieces
 Has to be done as a team
 Fragments found
 Reassembled
 And the story can be told
(c) Ross Rosenberg
3/10/2018
TRAUMA FOSSILS
• The more layers, the more remote the trauma memory
• Eventually the accumulated sediment hides the location
• And all traces of an explanation
• Over time, gravity compresses the
sediment deposits
• Compaction hardens the layers
• The lack of exposure changes
its composition
• Changing it into a trauma fossil
(c) Ross Rosenberg
TRAUMA FOSSILS
• Fossil memories are rarely found whole
• One fragment leads to another
• Individual fossils may be misleading
• The collection of fragments comprise the whole
• Putting together a puzzle
• Takes time & patience
• Trying to solve the mystery
(c) Ross Rosenberg
29
 3/10/2018

PALEONPSYCHOTHERAPY TRAUMA FOSSILS TELL US THE TRAUMA STORY

 Drilling down takes great skill • Eventually a picture or shape emerges
 Sensitivity for the fragility of the fossil • A story can be told
• And the story behind the story
 Patience
• Is an emotionally evocative
 Comes together in pieces experience
 Has to be done as a team • Fraught with intense feelings
 Eventually it will be unearthed • Elation and happiness
 Reassembled • Sadness and anger
 And the story can be told • Ending with closure & the rewriting of one’s history
(c) Ross Rosenberg
(c) Ross Rosenberg

STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE
• Self-Love Recovery/SLDD Cure has resolved the underlying causes • Transitioning from SLDD to SLA
• Linearly – in order • Stage 8 is progressive / incremental
• No easy task: can take up to 2 years  Evolving
• Longer, if relapses end the treatment process  Transforming
• At Stage 8 there is a HUGE shift
 Self-reinforcing - the good self-fulfilling prophesy
o Emotional
 Infectious
o Social/interpersonal
o Familial • Attachment trauma resolution is eventually achieved
o Occupational/professional • Begin to live emotionally in the present
• Self-love takes root • It is not a destination, it is a path
(c) Ross Rosenberg

30
 3/10/2018

STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA
• Noticeable changes internally and externally
• SLA is not a destination, it is a path
• “Falling in love” with ourselves is “infectious”
• The hardest part is done • Loneliness is replaced by an appreciation to be alone
• Reflexive motivation to seek self-loving activities & people • Relationships become healthier, open & honest
• Avoiding the opposite • Further development
• Practice makes perfect • Resiliency
• Learning what should have happened in childhood • Support systems
• Self-care
• May have “kid in candy store” excitement
• Self-esteem
(c) Ross Rosenberg

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE, NOT A MANDATE FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF

• “Falling in love” with ourselves is “infectious”
• Must be organic, should not be forced
• Noticeable changes internally and externally
• The only rule is to feel the feelings & not feel bad about them
• Weight of lifetime of sadness is visably lifted
• Allow the free flow of anger & resentment for what happened • Pathological loneliness is “cured”
• Optional to confront another person(s) • Relationships become healthier
• Not always liberating, but usually healing • Further development
• May get stuck in anger & resentment – this is ok • Resiliency
• Support systems
• May decide to let go of negative feelings
• Self-care
• May choose to not forgive • Self-esteem
(c) Ross Rosenberg

31
 3/10/2018

(c) Ross Rosenberg

READY & STRONG ENOUGH FOR GRIEF

• The importance of sadness
• Honesty about losses
 Time
 Opportunities
 Career
 Children
 Health
• Letting it go
• Acceptance (c) Ross Rosenberg

32
 3/10/2018

STAGE 8: TRANSITIONING FROM SLDD TO SLA

Reshaping/Rewriting Personal Narrative
• Gaslit narratives neutralized
• Self & relational narratives evolve
• Teenage-like experimentation
• Failure is about the project, not self
• The mirror reflects hope & optimisim
• Able to solve problems

(c) Ross Rosenberg

FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE - NOT ALWAYS NECESSARY THE AUTOMATIC RECALIBRATION OF

• Not a religious proposition THE HUMAN MAGNET SYNDROME
• Guilted or premature forgiveness can be traumatizing/harmful
 Perpetuates the further need for defense mechanisms
 May stunt the trauma resolution/healing process
 May be disempowering
 May reinforce the perpetrator’s excuses
 May be re-traumatizing
• It must be the client’s decision
• Has its own timeline – shouldn’t be forced
(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

33
 3/10/2018

STAGE 9: PRACTICING & ENJOYING SELF-LOVE DRIVEN

RELATIONSHIPS
• HMS shift/the recalibration of your CSV
• Time to allow someone into your heart-space
• Time to experiment in relationships
• The abstinence period is over!
• Dating/relationships are recommended THE BROKEN “PICKER” IS
• Time to be careful, selective, patient REPAIRED
• Practicing resilience
 It’s learning and practice time
(c) Ross Rosenberg

SLA PNARC MAGNETS

TWO Codependents OR
SLA-SLA HUMAN MANGET SYDROME CHEMESTRY TWO PnarcISSISTS

34

INTERDEPENDENT HUMAN MAGNETISM
DATING AND ROMANCE
• Freedom from former HMS patterns
• New “magnetism” patterns emerge
• Not in a hurry to find the “one” because
of comfort, freedom & joy of SLA
• Stage 9 Paradox
 Much higher probability of finding “soul mate”
 Much lower numbers
 Less people to choose
 Desperation is replaced by hope
3/10/2018
SEX/ROMANTIC INTIMCACY IS NOW ALLOWED!
• From independent to interdependent
• Before it was a ½ + ½ = 1 “equation”
 Sex bridged the fear of abandonment gap
 Soothed pathological loneliness
• Now it is a 1 + 1 = 2 equation
 Healthy intimacy, but still with important boundaries
 Individuated sex!
• Two people building the other
• Protecting each other (c) Ross Rosenberg
RELATIONSHIP CIRCLES
• Relationships re-configure
• Fear of loneliness no longer guides decisions
• SLA’s have choices
• Doesn’t have to be “all or nothing”
• Ebb and flow
• Changes are natural
• Ending relationships is inevitable for some
• The way it should have always been
(c) Ross Rosenberg
35
 3/10/2018

LRC MUTUAL RELATIONSHIPS RULE CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK RULE

• LRC = Loving/love, Respecting/respect, Caring/care requisite
• SLA’s demand nothing less
• LRC Mutual is how it always should have been
• How we have re-written our story
• The SLA/SLA relationship is the dream come true!
• SLA protect SLA
 They fought hard to get to it!
(c) Ross Rosenberg
• SLA’s are not the feedback
• Healthy people don’t have narcissistic injuries
• They appreciate, want, need the feedback
GUILT RULE
“Guilt signifies when we did something wrong and helps us to be accountable for
it. Thus, the bad feeling we identify as guilt, is a gift- one that teaches us what to
not to do wrong doing again. To feel guilty because of what others believe as
"wrong or bad" is waste of energy and time. Insist on feeling guilty when a real
mistake has been made. Cast aside "guilt trips" as they are judgments of right
and wrong and someone else's mandate to feel bad. However, own your
mistakes and make your guilt a sweet reminder of your human vulnerability. Let
your self feel bad only long enough to grow and learn from your mistake.” RR
(c) Ross Rosenberg

POSESSING A NARCOMETER & CODOMETER STAGE 10: SHEDDING SLDD: ACHIEVING THE CODEPENDENCY CURE

(c) Ross Rosenberg (c) Ross Rosenberg

36
 3/10/2018

The image part with relationship ID rId2 was not found in the file.

THE ACHEIVMENT OF SELF-LOVE ABUNDANCE INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL “GOD”

• From Self-Psychology theory
• With SLA, God resides within us
• “He” is should-to-shoulder with our self-love (LRC)
• “His” love and forgiveness is always within us
 Similar to healthy caregiver-child attachment
• Self-love abundance, therefore, perpetuates spirituality

(c) Ross Rosenberg

• Spirituality, therefore, perpetuates self-love abundance

Clinical Care Consultants

Advanced Clinical Trainers
Arlington Heights, Illinois, USA
Info@AdvancedClinicalTrainers.com

HIS BOOK:The Human Magnet Syndrome: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/

http://www.amazon.com/The-Human-Magnet-Syndrome-People/dp/1936128314
YOUTUBE CHANNEL: https://www.youtube.com/user/clinicalcareconsult
CLINICAL CARE CONSULTANTS COUNSELING CENTER: http://clinicalcareconsultants.com
ROSS’S SEX ADDICTION TREATMENT SITE: HTTP://WWW.HELP4SEXUALADDICTION.COM/
ROSS ROSENBERG’S ARTICLES: http://goo.gl/lRG3d4
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/RossRosenbergCCC
TWITTER:Https://Twitter.Com/Rossrosenberg1
YOUTUBE: HTTPS://WWW.YOUTUBE.COM/USER/CLINICALCARECONSULT
BLOG: http://humanmagnetsyndrome.com/blog-posts/&
(c) Ross Rosenberg http://blog.clinicalcareconsultants.com/

37