Carmen Capitani

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English 2
October 23, 2018

Explain why women too often aren’t able to leave their domestic abusers and how, typically,
an abuser/abusee relationship develops. Include information instructing how people outside of
dangerous circumstances could help.

Why Doesn’t She Just Leave?

The #MeToo movement has caused tremendous progressive uproar in society and has

been greatly instrumental in shifting the perspectives and drawing the veil on a monster that has

been able to hide for far too long. It is the reason for the introduction and implementation of new

standards and expectations for the treatment of women by men for current and future generations

in the hopes of reform. Women of all ages and ethnicities have spoken up and pointed to

individuals responsible for long-standing and more recent harmful actions and experiences. The

#MeToo movement has revolutionized how abused women are supported and is finally giving

them the resources they need to ask for help and legally advocate for themselves. While this

well-deserved and valued stride has made huge impacts on society, it unfortunately can’t directly

prevent abuse from happening to others.

While the #MeToo movement was fantastic at exposing the ill-rooted intentions of many

of America’s favorite celebrities, it isn’t as applicable to the lives of the millions of modern-day

working women comprising society; abuse in the relationships of everyday people is much

sneakier, and much less noticed. Ted Talk speaker Leslie Steiner expresses that abuse is much

more common than expected, stating that in the United States, ¨women ages 16 to 24 are three

times as likely to be domestic violence victims¨ as other aged women, and that ¨over 500 women

and girls this age are killed every year¨ by their partners. These women are trapped, and in ways

nobody outside of their situations can understand; the eyes of an outsider don’t get to read
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between the lines and aren’t exposed to the most important, hidden, and saddening details of an

abusee’s life, driving them to ask the question ¨why doesn’t she just leave?¨

The life of a domestic violence victim is developed slowly and with immense caution by

a predatory, but seemingly harmless, partner. The cycle begins with a first stage, ¨tension

building,¨ and its consists of the development and accumulation of negative habits by the abuser.

Some examples of this are passive aggressiveness, guilt, poor communication, or causing a strain

in the relationship by any means necessary; the victim will typically be left in fear of upsetting

their partner, often changing they way they act and rendering themselves easy to manipulate

(Ajmera). The second stage is categorized by official control and manipulation of one’s victim,

which can be shown in a number of ways including physical acts of hitting, slapping, restricting,

and escalated acts such as rape; these are the most noticeable signs of domestic abuse. Acts that

can be hidden with much more ease are those of which are ​emotionally manifested: ¨stalking,

neglect, economic deprivation, intimidation...¨ and social isolation being some of the most

common (Ajmera). The third stage is one of reconciliation, where an abuser either apologizes to

their victims sincerely and overcompensate for his actions with over affection and care, or where

an abuser blames the victim for the abusive incident and goes about pretending it never

happened, normalizing harsh expectations and standards for their partners (Ajmera). This is

followed by the fourth and final stage, one of serenity and the building up of an illusion of

stability. The abuser “tries [their] best to restrain [themselves] from harming” their partners, and

eventually gives way back to the first stage (Ajmera).

Women don’t “just leave” an abusive relationship as they are held down by a myriad of

possible complications. They often have a lack of resources as their abusers tend to limit their
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allowed time for social interaction and isolate them from any kind of support system. Similarly,

if they can help it, abusers tend to discontinue or prevent their victims’ access to financial

independence. A victim’s language barriers or state of citizenship may prevent outreach out of

an inability to express their struggles or a fear of being pushed out of their home, extremely

reasonable considering the current executive branch’s opinions on immigration. Oftentimes

victims may still be in love with their abusers, as this wasn’t always the state of their relationship

and because coming off as persuasive and charming is a key strategy in being manipulative. The

abusee might stay with an abuser out of low self-esteem, as most women inevitably develop in

these situation. Similarly, they may be embarrassed or intimidated by the idea of being seen as

weak or needing the pity of others. Other constraints could come from a religious value that

discourages the separation of couples or the possible outing of the victim’s true sexuality if there

happened to be an outside relationship of sorts.

Of all these reasons to hide a dysfunctional relationship’s issues, avoid running away, and

seek outside help, the biggest is fear. The abuser will often offer terrible threats further

endangering a woman looking for a way out. “Over 70% of domestic violence murders happen

after the victim has ended the relationship,” because the abuser has nothing to lose if their victim

leaves. They may additionally ¨[deny] financial resources,” intensely stalk, or the manipulate the

family court system to put an obligation on children of abused mothers to spend unsupervised

time with him (Steiner). The possibility of a reality that hopeless following a lifestyle of abuse

naturally inclines women to stick with their horrifying situation and keep quiet.

Women can’t “just leave” their domestic abusers because of reasons regarding a lack of

social and financial support, political, religious, or communicative restrictions, emotional and/or
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physical trauma, and the immensely increased risk of danger that comes with ending the

relationship. Because there is close to nothing a woman being severely domestically abused can

do for herself, others should bear a responsibility to reach out and offer help. People concerned

for an individual who may be experiencing abuse should look out for physical marks of attack

that the victim tries to cover up or hide, a drastic change in mood or social mannerisms, a

reduction in activity or interests, and a lack of control/need of permission from partner for more

than what is considered to be normal (Buddy T.). Ways one can help a friend who is suffering

are by “initiating [a] conversation,” listening while abstaining from judgement, validation and

supporting of the victims feelings, the offering of specific help, and finally, calling the police and

intervening with legal authority (Buddy T.). While it is extremely discouraging to know that

women of this day and age still find themselves in dangerous situations, it is important to be

educated on how to recognize someone struggling and help from the outside. A big part of

prevention is awareness and willingness of a community to intervene in an uncomfortable

dilemma, but it must be done if in this era of societal reform, the nation’s community wants any

chance of reducing the abundance of unnoticed and undeserving domestic abuse victims.
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Works Cited

Ajmera, Ripa. “The Four Stages of an Abusive Relationship.” ​LIVESTRONG.COM​, Leaf Group,

31 May 2015, ​www.livestrong.com/article/100480-four-stages-abusive-relationship/​.

Steiner, Leslie. “Why Domestic Violence Victims Don’t Leave.” TED. Nov. 2012. Lecture.

https://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_

t_leave?language=en

T., Buddy. “Do You Know How to Help a Victim of Domestic Violence?” Edited by Richard N

Fogoros, ​Verywell Mind,​ Dotdash, 13 Mar. 2018,

www.verywellmind.com/how-to-help-a-victim-of-domestic-violence-66533​.

T., Buddy. “Top Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse.” ​Verywell Mind​, Dotdash, 23 Dec. 2017,

www.verywellmind.com/signs-someone-is-being-abused-66535​.

“Why Do People Stay in Abusive Relationships?” ​The National Domestic Violence Hotline,​

Office for Victims of Crime, Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice,

Administration on Children, Youth and Families, Family and Youth Services Bureau,

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.,

www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/