DIEGO’S DILEMMA

Written
by

Elion Hempher

EXT. STREET - DAY

We are looking at a married couple; the man is looking at his
wife.

MAN
All in all, I‘d say that she’s
not the most beautiful woman in
the world.

Black screen.

GRUNCHY MAN (V.O)

(squeaky voice)
What a terrible opening for a new
show.

TEXT - The Shuffleberries.

GRUNCHY MAN (V.O)

The Shuffleberries? Is that suppose
to mean something? Is that the title
of this episode?

TEXT - Diego’s dilemma.

GRUNCHY MAN (V.O)

Nope, my bad. That wasn’t the title.
That was.

INT. ROOM - DAY

The room is perfectly lighted, there’s an open fire behind a very
comfortable chair. And it that chair is a man. He looks at us.

MAN
Ah, do come in. Let me introduce
myself. I’m Chester Armchair and
I’d like you welcome you to the
Shuffleberries.

A woman walks up to Chester with a cup of tea.

CHESTER
Ah, jolly good Agatha.

Agatha leaves.

CHESTER
The next sketch is about something
very, very important. You see this
isn’t really a comedy show. Heck, all
actors are gay so this can’t be comedy

Chester corrects himself in his chair.

 CHESTER
With that in mind, look out for the
hamster in the next sketch.
(beat)
Carry on, jolly good.

EXT. PARK - DAY

Two men are sitting on a park bench. They are Johnny Grissom and
Alan Holiday.

JOHNNY
Hey, can I be honest about something?

ALAN
Of course not.

JOHNNY
Thank you, I’ve been hearing things.

ALAN
What things?

JOHNNY
Weird things.

ALAN
Oh, those things... What are they
about?

JOHNNY
On the east side of this town...
guitars are having a gang war.

ALAN
Guitars?

JOHNNY
I hear it’s between Acoustics
and Electrics.

ALAN
You can’t possible be serious. There
is no way that guitars are fighting.

JOHNNY
‘em acoustics hasn’t got a chance.
They’ll break like that.

Johnny snaps his fingers.

ALAN
No hold on a minute!
(beat)
I say acoustics have a fair chance.

JOHNNY
Meh, Nothing but a bunch of “Wanna-
talk-about-your-feelings” they are.
 ALAN
Acoustics may lack a certain strong
side. But they make up in having
a heart.

JOHNNY
Hearts are for sissies. Bring me speed,
a kick ass attitude and more speed.

ALAN
Not all people like speed.

JOHNNY
Hey, let me tell you something. if
music don’t involve a lot of explosions
and smoke, then shoot me now, cause
that isn’t a world I wanna live in.

Alan picks up a gun and shoots Johnny.

ALAN
(to the camera)
The point of this bit was to tell
you that going very fast and very
hard is something you may enjoy...
But your girlfriend will certainly
not.

DIRECTOR’S VOICE
And cut.

The director walks over to Alan.

DIRECTOR
I liked it, I liked it. But next
time, can you put some feeling
into it?

ALAN
Whaddya mean?

DIRECTOR
Well, for example. When you shoot
him, think about why you’re doing
this.

ALAN
Cause men SHOULD be more careful
while having vaginal or anal sex
with a member of the opposite sex?

DIRECTOR
Exactly. And when you think about
that, what do you feel?

ALAN
I dunno, I suppose I feel angry.

DIRECTOR
Exactly. Now use that emotion, bring
it fourth and let it live!
 ALAN
Alright.

DIRECTOR
(yelling)
Alright, can I have another guy to
shoot? Anyone?

INT. BAKERY SHOP - DAY

Leroy Simmons walks into a bakery shop. He’s immediately greeted
by Thomas Baker, who is the baker at this establishment.

LEROY
Good morning to you, sir.

BAKER
Good morning. What will it be?

LEROY
Well, I was thinking is something
fatty.

BAKER
A lot of cheese then?

LEROY
Throw in some shrimps, if you got
‘em.

BAKER
No problem. Anything else?

LEROY
You have beer?

BAKER
Pale ale okay?

Leroy sighs.

LEROY
This time.

BAKER
Anything more?

LEROY
Yes, my wife brought me this
list.

Leroy picks up the list.

LEROY
Lemonade, Coca-Cola, two stereos,
a nice watch, ham, cheese, wine,
a diamond, a first edition of
Jack London, two panties, and
a hamster.

BAKER
Anything to drink?
 LEROY
Four thousand dollar, mixed up.

BAKER
Here you go.

Thomas gives a hefty bag to Leroy.

INT. ROOM - DAY

Two male police officers are tapping the bakery shop. One of them
stops listening.

POLICE OFFICER
If I didn’t know better, I said
something was fishy about that
store.

POLICE OFFICER #1
You are so clever.

POLICE OFFICER
All’s in a day’s work, my dear.

The police officer looks at the other one, and suddenly they start
making out.

CUT TO:

GRUNCY MAN (V.O)

Pheew, man loving man? Do I need
another moral agenda? Next bit
please!

CUT TO:

TEXT - Next bit will not be shown, as it has been stolen by

renegade guitars.

Alan Holiday runs up to the screen.

ALAN
That’s renegade acoustic guitars.

INT. HALLWAY - DAY

Sir. Edward Nugent is walking through a long hallway. On his walk,
he meets various people.

WOMAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

MAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.
JANITOR
Good morning, Sir Nugent.
 EDWARD
Good morning.

ASSISTANT
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

OLD MAN IN SUIT

Good morning, Eddie.

EDWARD
Good morning.

MAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

WOMAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

WOMAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

MAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

NUN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

WOMAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

MAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.
 MAN
Good morning, Sir Nugent.

EDWARD
Good morning.

Sir. Edward Nugent continues his walk through this very long
hallway, and continues to greet people. We look up on a young man
in long black hair.

YOUNG MAN IN BLACK HAIR

It’s funny from a cultural point of
view!

EXT. STREET - DAY

We pan over a long street.

OLD WOMAN (V.O)

Why are they panning? This isn’t
a Coen Brothers productions you
know.
(beat)
Move along with it. Move it!

TEXT - Another Sketch.

OLD WOMAN (V.O)

Much better.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

We are looking at a twenty something man in an ordinary kitchen.

CLICHÉ-FILLED BRITISH NARRATOR

Jerry Cooper, 26. Jerry is an ordinary
man, with an ordinary wife and an
ordinary ugly baby. But all that
changed one day... When Jerry got
a new cellular telephone.

Jerry picks up a brand new cell phone and dials a number.

JERRY
Yeah, hey Larry, it’s me. Jerry.
(beat)
I just called you to let you know
that I have a new phone. And while
we talk about once every other month,
I feel that you are important enough
to be aware of my number change.

LARRY
(phone voice)
Gee, thanks Jerry, I feel so
appreciated by this thought.

JERRY
Don’t mention it... Seriously,
don’t mention it do your wife.
(beat)
She’s not that important.
EXT. STREET - DAY
We again look at the young man with the long black hair.

YOUNG MAN IN BLACK HAIR

The lesson in that sketch is that
those ordinary embarrassing moments are
funny.
(beat)
How you like ‘em apples, Ricky Gervais?!

INT. CIGAR SHOP - DAY

Police officer Hal Jordan walks into a cigar shop, he is greeted
by the salesman.

SALESMAN
Afternoon officer.

HAL
Afternoon shops keep.

SALESMAN
Are you here to buy a cigar?

HAL
I am.

SALESMAN
Are officers allowed to smoke
cigars on duty?

HAL
They are when they are celebrating
their daughter’s engagement.

SALESMAN
Ah, very good.
(beat)
What kind of cigar does the officer
want?

HAL
I was looking into something a
little on the Cuban side... If
you know what I mean.

SALESMAN
I’m sorry sir, but you of all
people should know that Cubans are
illegal.

HAL
The badge ain’t looking... If you
know what I mean.

SALESMAN
I’m sorry, but Cuban cigars are
illegal here. Why or for what reason?
I don’t know. Perhaps Cuba took
America on a date and then never
 called, but for what ever reason
there is, Cuban cigars are illegal.

HAL
Wooh, wooh, slow down there, cowboy.
I was only trying to celebrate
my daughter’s engagement. If you
can find it in your heart to break
a law you even think is stupid and
give an old man his chance to show
how proud he is buy smoking a Cuban
cigar then let me die, cause this
isn’t a world I wanna live in.

SALESMAN
Alright, because of your daughter’s
special celebration I will sell
you a Cuban cigar.

HAL
Thank you kindly.
(beat)
How much is it?

SALESMAN
Eleven dollars.

The salesman hands Hal a Cuban cigars.

HAL
(yelling)
You owe me ten bucks, Stan!

SALESMAN
What?
HAL
(yelling)
Get your sorry ass in here!
(to the salesman)
How stupid can you be? Selling
a Cuban to a police officer?
(beat)
Jesus, I wouldn’t wanna be in
your shoes.

Hal starts sighing.

EXT. GARDEN - DAY

A man, Johnny Granger and a woman, Stella O’Hare are standing in a
beautiful garden.

STELLA
Oh Johnny, why?

JOHNNY
It’s something in my heart. I feel
I need to make this journey.

STELLA
Johnny, what will you do?
 JOHNNY
I don’t know. I’ll walk where the
ground takes me. I’ll sleep where
the moon shows me. I don’t decide
anything on this journey.

Stella starts crying.

STELLA
How long will you be gone?

JOHNNY
I don’t know yet. But be sure darling --

Johnny grabs Stella and holds her tight.

JOHNNY
-- I’ll come back for you.

Johnny leans in to kiss Stella.

INT. PUB - DAY

A couple of fellas are hanging around in a bar. We look up on an
old man.

OLD MAN
And it’s been exactly 22 years,
and I still haven’t come back for
her!

The whole group knocks their glasses together.

EXT. FIELD - NIGHT

Five guys are standing leaning towards a wall and smoking. They
are cool, though and don’t take anything from no one.

One of them takes up a joint, another man hands him a lighter and
they start lighting it.

NARRATOR
When you smoke weed, remember not
to cough to loudly, because coughing
makes a louder noise then just blowing
out the smoke.
One of the guys starts coughing.

OTHER GUY
Hey, stop coughing fucker!

NARRATOR
And because this fact it true, people
smoking something illegal doesn’t
want to chough.
(beat)
And if you do cough... You will get
a beating.

All of guys push down the coughing guy and starts kicking him.
 NARRATOR
Coughing give you attention, and
trust me my friend, attention
DOES NOT like illegal drugs.

OLD WOMAN’S VOICE

Oh, ‘em fellas over there are
smoking marijuana.

Suddenly we hear a police car drive up, we hear an office officer

start talking to the old woman.

POLICE OFFCIER’S VOICE

What? What’s going on here?

OLD WOMAN’S VOICE

‘em fellas are smoking chronics.

POLICE OFFICER’S WOICE

What! That’s illegal.
(yelling)
Eh, some kids are doing the curve
over here. Come quick with bating
sticks!

TEXT - LESSON

NARRATOR
Lesson. When you’re humping the
whale, don’t cough. Don’t cough!
Don’t even think about coughing.
Don’t even think about me telling
you not to cough.
(beat)
Don’t cough!

OLD MAN (V.O)

I’ve had enough of your screaming!

We hear a shot go off.

OLD MAN (V.O)

Looks like your screamin’ days
are over.

INT. WHITE ROOM - DAY

A group of -40s something women are standing in a group.

MAN’S VOICE
Hey ladies, do you remember back pain?

GROUP
Mmmhmm!

MAN’S VOICE
Do you remember cravings?

GROUP
Mmmhmm!
 MAN’S VOICE
Do you remember David Faustino?

GROUP
Uh... No?

MAN’S VOICE
Then check out this!

We’re looking at a microwave.

MAN’S VOICE
Remember when it took a whole
minute to warm your food?
(Beat)
Well, think about no more, let
me introduce the NEW microwave.

A new microwave.

MAN’S VOICE
Microwave 2!
(beat)
With the new microwave you don’t
have to wait for anything when
you are hungry.

We’re looking at fat woman.

FAT WOMAN
When I used microwave, the food
wasn’t even hot when I pressed
START.
(beat)
But now! Now I can’t even put the
food in without it already being
cooked.

MAN’S VOICE
So join us, the Nazi loving corporation
that gives you a better microwave!

A small beat.

SCARY VOICE
Join now!

CUT TO:

PICTURE - A bird.

NARRATOR
A bird.

PICTURE - A woman.

NARRATOR
A bird.

PICTURE - A hand showing only the middle finger.

 NARRATOR
A bird.

EXT. FOREST - DAY

A group of men are sneaking around in a deep forest, all of them
are heavily camouflaged. JOHNSON and DAVIES are sneaking behind a
bush.

DAVIES
Johnson! Status report.

JOHNSON
I saw a couple of birds over by
those tree before.

DAVIES
Right, have you seen Johnson?

JOHNSON
I... Am Johnson, sir.

Davies nods.

DAVIES
Right, right. Of course you are.

Four groups are slowly moving in on each other. Carefully hiding

behind bushes, but everyone can still see everyone.

DAVIES
Attack!

Everyone runs out on a small open field, everyone starts throwing

themselves right and left, giving each other the finger as it was
a weapon and making silly bullet noises.

INT. STREET - DAY

We pan up to a guy’s face.

GUY
And she never found out!

Next to him is another guy.

GUY #2
What?

The first guy pauses to think.

GUY
... Sorry?

GUY #2
Who never found out?

GUY
Well... I dunno. I... I.

GUY #2
And who are you talking to for
that matter?
The first guy points towards something.

GUY
That guy.

We look at a fat guy with a small t-shirt making out with a

grilled chicken.

The three are sitting in a cell. A guard walks up to the three

sitting in a cell.

GUARD
Hey Carey, you got a phone call!

Carey slaps the “And She Never Found Out” Guy in the chest and
walks to the Guard.

We follow the guard and Carey through an enormously,

fantastically, breathtaking, mesmerizing long hallway.

INT. ROOM - DAY

Carey nods at the guard and walks to pick up the phone.

CAREY
Hello? ... Hello? Hello? Heello?
Hello? Heeeeellllooo? Hello?
Who’s there? Hello? Talk to me.
Hello?

We look to the left and see a sign saying: INTERRAGITON ROOM.

INT. INTERRAGITON ROOM - DAY

Hank ’Three Face’ Silini is a criminal being muscled by the cops
for a crime. The officer, Robert Park.

THREE FACE
I’m tellin’ ya, cop. I didn’t kill
him.

ROBERT
We have a witness.

THREE FACE
Bitch is lying.

ROBERT
What about the evidence?

THREE FACE
Yo, what evidence? You got some
shoe that’s my size.

ROBERT
But what about the camera filming you?

THREE FACE
Fuck dat, that shit is not good, it’s
at night, can’t see nothing. Fuck that!
 ROBERT
But what about the bloody knife we
found at your home?

THREE FACE
That was my blood, fool! I cut myself
last night.

ROBERT
Why?

THREE FACE
I’z making some eggs.

ROBERT
You need a knife for that?

THREE FACE
I’m a little afraid of cracking
the egg, aight?

ROBERT
Okay.
(beat)
How about the picture we found on
your computer where you’re stabbing
the victim?

THREE FACE
That shit was a virus sent to me, I
didn’t know what that was.

ROBERT
But what about we found the victims
blood on your clothes?

THREE FACE
I’m tight with him, aight? I saw the
damn fool last night. Moron had
fell his bike. He was bleeding
everywhere.

ROBERT
How about we have several witnesses
how claim to hear someone saying
“This is me, Three Face killing you!”

THREE FACE
Pfft, could be anyone. Three Face
is a common name.

Robert repositions himself. He takes a close hard look at Three

Face.

ROBERT
Alright, you can go. Hope this
wasn’t troubling.

THREE FACE
Not at all.
Three Face stands up and walks away.

ROBERT
(waving)
Bye, bye.

INT. ROOM - DAY

A man is sitting in a wheelchair, while a woman is doing doggy-
style. The man starts gliding back and forth in the chair.

We can clearly hear the squeaky sound from the wheels.

INT. MANSION - DAY

We’re in a huge oval room, an -60 something man HANK MAGNUM, well
dressed are on the phone.

INT. HANGER ROOM - DAY

Four people are getting instructions on how to a parachute. The
Instructor is given his usual monologue. Thomas Stan, or Tom Stan
is jumping for the first time.

INSTRUCTOR
Alright, when you drop below 3000
feet, release the parachute, if you
drop anywhere below that, you risk
hitting the ground too hard.
(beat)
Any questions?

TOM STAN
Can I use the bathroom?

INSTRUCTOR
There is no bathroom.

TOM STAN
Oh damn.

Tom Stan repositions himself so that he can’t pee.

MAN #2
What happens if I release too
soon?

INSTRUCTOR
You glide right into the propeller.

MAN #2
Really?

INSTRUCTOR
No.

WOMAN
I think I’m going to labor.

INSTRUCTOR
You’re not pregnant, M’am.
 WOMAN
Oh right.

MAN #3
What are we going to do about
the donkey?

TOM STAN
Donkey?

We look to the left and se an actual donkey.

INSTRUCTOR
Nothing, let him eat his carrot.

TOM STAN
What is a donkey doing here?

INSTRUCTOR
He’s part of the air show featuring
animals.

TOM STAN
You mean, animals in a --

INSTRUCTOR
-- Parachute, that’s right sir.

TOM STAN
Isn’t that a bit dangerous?

INSTRUCTOR
No sir, the animals are all trained
to use a parachute.
(beat)
We had over a hundred successful shows
so far.

A chainsaw goes through the floor and cuts a hole. A man peeks up.

TOM STAN
Oh come on, that’s just silly.

INT. ROOM - DAY

Elion Hempher is being interviewed a female reporter.

REPORTER
Mr. Hempher, during the last two
years, you’ve become one of the
most famous people in country. You
started your career with doing
The Million Man Army, a hilarious
comedy that was the top-rated show
in 2007.
(beat)
Your latest project is an anime called
The Roads to Sargasso have been praised
by the critics, and so far made over 250
million dollars in the States only.
(beat)
What do you have to say about this
 remarkable career?

ELION
I have only one thing to say.
(as a rant)
Hogachacka, hogachacka, hogachacka,
hogachacka, hogachacka, hogachacka
hogachacka, hogachacka.

MALE’S VOICE
You’re making a mockery of this
interview!

Alan Holiday runs up to Elion, grabs him and throws him down the
floor. He picks up a gun and shoots Elion several times.

REPORTER
Oh my god!

ELION
Ugh. I... Somehow survived.

ALAN
Ah, zombie!

Alan grabs Elion and throws him off camera, then jumps after him.
Suddenly we see blood get thrown right of the floor. Elion runs by
with a ketchup bottle.

ALAN
(runs by)
You bastard! I was gonna use
that for my burgers!

Elion and Alan fall in front of us, tackling each other.

ALAN
You retard!

ELION
Ha! Look who’s talking, mister
“can’t-spell-supernatural”

ALAN
I didn’t know if there were going
to be hyphen between super and
natural.

ELION
Hyphen this!

ALAN
What does that even mean?

Elion pulls a stapler and staples Alan’s tie to the floor.

ALAN
Haha, real funny.

Elion suddenly stops.

 ELION
Where is this going?

ALAN
I dunno, I think you’re suppose
to hit the camera so we can cut
to credits.

ELION
Oh, right...

Elion pushes down the camera.

CUT TO:

Static.

CUT TO:

Credits.