Don’t Think of Purple Elephants!

Step One

“The first step to getting the things you want out of life
is this: decide what you want.”
- Ben Stein b. 1944

I get what I want!

While writing this chapter I was sitting outside

enjoying a beautiful Saturday morning on the lake. I very
much enjoy my life and am happy. However, I can tell you
that I have not felt this peaceful in some time. My wife and I
love the Finger Lakes in New York and we plan to move
there someday. We actually have a few plans to make this a
reality, as I like backup plans and the ability to be flexible, as
long as I get where I want to be.
So, my wife and I are enjoying our Memorial Day
weekend on the lake in a nice little cottage and it is because
we knew what we wanted. We wanted to spend a week this
summer on the lake with our kids as a family vacation and,
after some research on the internet, we decided to take a day
to go check out my findings and see what was available in
our price range. It was the Friday before Easter and our
plan was simple: to find a nice place on the lake that had
enough room for us and all the kids, as well as a yard and
swimming area. With these parameters in mind we drove
around looking at the ones I found on the internet, looking
for signs advertising cottages for rent, and writing down the
phone numbers.
Later that evening, on our way to a nice romantic
dinner, my wife called some of the phone numbers and got
prices. We hadn’t been able to see inside this cottage, see
the yard, or see the beach area, and weren’t sure if it would
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 34

work for us. The owner offered to show it to us the next

morning. We loved it and thought it was perfect, so we
booked it for the last week in June. While talking to the
owner, I inquired if he rented it on weekends and he said he
would. The weekend rental idea intrigued my wife and I, as
we love to go up and spend the day, night, or weekend
around the lakes whenever we can . Later that week we
decided to rent it for Memorial Day weekend, made the call,
and here we are.
I can tell you that we wouldn’t be here right now if it
wasn’t for the simple concept that this chapter is about.
“Don’t think of purple elephants” is based on principles that
I have learned from my research in NLP and the law of
attraction. It is an easy way to stay positive and focused on
what you want; with the key being “what you want!”
This is the first step and the start of your journey,
because you need to know what you want. Even though the
concept of knowing what you want sounds easy, it isn’t
effortless. Your not knowing what you want results in your
continued failed attempts at living the happy, successful life
you want. Your lack of understanding prevents you from
getting what you want.
“Work is either fun or drudgery. It depends on your
attitude. I like fun.”
- Colleen C. Barrett b. 1944
It is important for you to realize that just because it
sounds easy, doesn’t mean that it doesn’t take effort, too.
You have actually, made things more complicated than they
need to be. The reason for this is your lack of understanding
and thinking that being happy and successful are effortless
or impossible. When you don’t know what you want, then
you are unable to find it. This chapter will educate you to
know what you want and teach you how to successfully and
consistently get it.
 35 Happily, Ever After…

Ask yourself, What do I want? Don’t be surprised if it

goes something like this, Well, I don’t want this or that. You
are not alone. Several people struggle with not knowing
what they want; they only know what they don’t want.
Knowing what you don’t want is not the same as knowing
what you want.

“When you think of failure; failure will be yours. If

you remain undecided; nothing will ever change. All
you need to do is want to achieve something great and
then simply do it. Never think of failure, for what you
think, will come about.”
- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi 1918-2008

To be truly happy and appreciative of what you get

out of life, then you need to know what you want. Think
about it, if you don’t know what you want then you are
likely to get what you didn’t want or you won’t know if you
get what you wanted, because you didn’t know what that
was! This is one of the reasons people think they know
what they want and then aren’t happy when they get it.
You have heard the warnings, “Money isn’t everything”;
“The grass is always greener on the other side”; “Happiness
comes from within”; “Be careful what you wish for.” These
statements are true. If you don’t know what you want then
you are not going to be happy; you will always be looking
for happiness and what you want.
When you think about what you want from the
perspective of what you don’t want, then you won’t be
satisfied for long: you won’t appreciate it, you won’t
understand it, and it won’t change your attitude. When you
understand what you want, you can develop a plan to get it
and then you are happy when you get it.
In my private practice, when I ask people what they
want, 99.99% of the time they respond with what they don’t
want. When someone comes in to become a non-smoker,
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 36

the answer is always something like this, “Well, I don’t want

to smoke and I don’t want to smell like smoke and I don’t
want to….” It doesn’t matter what they come to see me for,
or if I have already explained how this concept works, they
still tell me what they don’t want.
As previously discussed, your thinking becomes
habitual, as with anything you repeatedly do. Your
thinking then results in you automatically coming up with
what you don’t want, as you have done this several times
before. This means that you don’t understand the
importance of the question, “What do I want?” Habits are
hard to break. Once you train your mind and it becomes
habitual, to change it you need to remain consciously aware
of your thoughts. If you make an effort to consciously and
consistently stick to it, you will be amazed at how easily you
can change.

“To dream anything you want to dream. That’s

the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that
you want to do. That is the strength of the human will.
To test yourself to test your limits. That is the courage
to succeed.”
- Bernard Edmonds 1910-2003

How does it work?

Here’s how it works: regardless of your beliefs, you

are attracted to what you think about and your brain doesn’t
recognize the negatives. The example I use with clients is; If
I were to ask you not to think of a purple elephant, what do
you think of? This always gets a smile and a light bulb goes
off. The reason is they think of a purple elephant. Your
mind has to construct an image and think about it in order
to not think about it. It’s the same idea anytime you use
words like not and don’t; in order to understand what you
don’t want you construct a mental image of it. This results
 37 Happily, Ever After…

in the image being held constantly in your subconscious

awareness and means you are continually thinking about it.
Then you are drawn towards it and since you’re consciously
telling yourself, no, no, it creates the internal battles you
have as you try to change your life.

“I can teach anybody to get what they want out of life.

The problem is I can’t find anybody who can tell me
what they want.”
- Mark Twain 1835-1910

Another example for you: say this to yourself, over

and over, slowly: I don’t want a glass of water, I don’t want a
glass of water, I don’t want a glass of water, I don’t want a glass
of water, I don’t want a glass of water, I don’t want a glass of
water, I don’t want a glass of water, no water, no water no water,
no glass of water, no glass of water, no water, I don’t want a glass
of water, I don’t want a glass of water, I don’t want a glass of
water, I don’t want a glass of water, I don’t want a glass of water,
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 38

I don’t want a glass of water. I don’t know about you, but now
I want a glass of water.
In my mind, while I am saying, I don’t want a glass of
water, I get an internal image of a glass of water and I even
salivate for it. You have my permission to go have a nice
cold glass of water, if you would like to.
A glass of water is good for you. However, imagine
all the things you struggle with that aren’t good for you and
how you are repeatedly thinking about not wanting them.
This results in your difficulties. When you think about
something your mind generates images and sensations
based on your thoughts, these result in your thinking that
you want them and you are not satisfied until you get them.
Since you are consciously aware that you don’t want to give
in, you end up unhappy with your choices as you continue
your cycle of frustration.
This same idea relates to your success and
happiness. If you are constantly thinking of being unhappy
or failing, then you get it. If you are thinking, I don’t want to
be unhappy or I don’t want to fail, it will result in the images
and sensations associated with your unhappiness and
failure. Your mind will habitually go back to this type of
thinking and you will struggle. It then becomes a cycle you
can’t break free of, mainly because you don’t understand it.

“If you don’t know where you are going, any road will
get you there.”
- Lewis Carroll 1832-1898

Now that you understand the reasons you avoid

thinking about what you don’t want, you can fully
appreciate the significance of thinking about what you do
want. It is as simple as thinking, I don’t want to be unhappy
vs. I want to be happy. Go ahead, take a moment and say
them to yourself a few times. While you say them to
 39 Happily, Ever After…

yourself, pay very close attention to the images, feelings,

and thoughts you have.
Most likely while saying each statement you begin
imagining what each one is or would be like, getting the
images, thoughts, and feelings associated with this. This
process is automatic and is constantly occurring. The
process of creating images, thoughts, or feelings must
happen so that your subconscious can make sense and
understand before it develops a plan of action. The best
way to think about what you want is to make it positive, be
specific, think in the now, make sure it requires you to take
action, be certain you want it, and think about how you will
know when you get it.

Thinking about what you want

What you want must meet the following criteria:

- Be positive
- Be specific
- Be In the present or future
- Involves you taking action to make it happen
- You must be certain you want it
- You need to know how you’ll know when you get
it

Thinking about what you want in a specific, present

tense, positive manner will help you develop (in your mind)
a plan of action for achieving it. Knowing that you are
certain it is what you want will allow you to put your plan
into action. Finally, knowing how you’ll know when you
get it will ensure you get it and appreciate it.
It is very important to follow these easy, yet
powerful guidelines (positive, specific, present, self-
fulfilling, unequivocal, and knowing when you get it), as
they will guide you on your journey. Most importantly is
the fact that it requires you to take action. If you want
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 40

something, then you need to go get it and not be dependent

on others. You can control your thoughts and actions, but
you can’t control others thoughts and actions, so relying on
them for you consistent happiness is going to be
disappointing for you.
Imagine you are a taxi driver and someone jumps in
your cab. You say, “Where you headed?” and their
response is, “I don’t know. Anywhere, but here.” Not
making sense to you, you drive and attempt to get
clarification. “So, do you know where you want to go, yet?”
Their response is, “I told you I don’t care.” So, you take
them 10 blocks up the road to a Starbucks. They get mad
and say, “I don’t even like Starbucks. I didn’t want to go
here!”

How do I implement this into my thinking?

“You tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as
a result of getting something you don’t have, but
rather of recognizing and appreciating what you do
have.”
- Frederick Koenig 1774-1883
The first thing you will need to do is to consciously
think of what you want, in every situation. Start first thing
every morning, even better before bed the night before.
Before going to bed, think, How do I want tomorrow to be?
Then when you wake up, think, What do I want today?
Allow your mind to develop a plan and come up with
concrete answers that satisfy the criteria. Then stay focused
on achieving it. You will want to approach all situations
with this new attitude and understanding: What do I want
from work? What do I want from my friends? What do I want
from my family? You will be surprised at how different your
attitude will become and how much easier it is for you to
accomplish things, which will result in your increased
happiness and success.
 41 Happily, Ever After…

It is simple! Although, at first, after several years of

the opposite type of thinking, you will need to be
consciously aware and make sure you are asking yourself,
What do I want? and using the criteria to understand it.
Commit to asking it and then catch yourself when you think
of what you don’t want. When you catch yourself thinking
in your old and un-useful habitual ways, you will want to
correct this and shift your thoughts back to what you want.
If you get, Well, I don’t want, then simply say, Ok, what do I
want? and repeat it until you figure out what it is. Once you
are able to start thinking this way, you will be surprised at
how easy and good it feels to make your wants more
powerful, understandable, and accomplishable.
You should imagine what it is you want and what it
will look like, feel like, and sound like. Doing that will help
you focus on it and help you understand what it is you
really want. Even if all you want is to smile and enjoy your
day, imagine smiling and going about your day enjoying it.
Imagine what it will feel like to smile, what enjoying your
day feels like. Imagine the different sounds you will hear.
Imagine yourself saying, “Hi,” and greeting everyone you
meet with a smile.

“When you know what you want, and want it

bad enough, you will find a way to get it.”
- Jim Rohn b. 1930
Helpful hints

I will give you some helpful hints to make sure you

succeed with implementing this step into your daily routine.
Make sure that what you want is realistic. This doesn’t
mean not to think big. However, if you do then you will
want to think of the steps to get there and what you want
out of each one. I want to live on a lake, that isn’t going to
happen tomorrow, but it will happen. To me it looks like a
beautiful sunset over the water, this sunset has bright
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 42

yellows, oranges, and purples around the sun. I hear the

breeze as it rustles the leaves on the trees around me, the
sounds of boats on the lake and kids laughing as they splash
and play in the lake. I feel calm, which for me rises up from
the center of my stomach into my head, it is a light and
tingly sensation that brings a smile to my face.
My images, sounds, and feelings associated with
what I want allow me to plan for how I can accomplish this,
while enjoying the journey. So think as big as you want,
although understand you still have to take action!
Be flexible. Being flexible will allow you to remain
open to opportunities as they present themselves. Knowing
what you want is only part of it. You need to plan your
steps and allow for them to change along the way. Your
flexibility will only increase your chances of success. You
will also enjoy your journey, from where you are now to
where you want to be.

Imagine:
- The sights
- The sounds
- The feelings
- The smells
- The tastes

The cottage we got wasn’t available the week we

thought we wanted to be away on vacation, although it was
perfect in every other way, and our flexibility allowed for
us to take advantage of the opportunity we had in front of
us. This not only saved us some money, it also resulted in
the opportunity to rent the cottage on weekends when it
isn’t booked. In the end, our being flexible worked out
much better for us.
If you really know what you want, then it isn’t going
to matter very much the exact way you get it, as long as you
get it. Now, it will matter if you get it in an unethical or
 43 Happily, Ever After…

illegal way, but if you truly want to be a happy and

successful person, then getting what you want in this
manner isn’t even an option. Being open to opportunities in
your life and being willing to pursue them is fun. It also
results in your success. You will learn from your
experiences and be focused on the positives rather than on
the negatives. When obstacles or challenges present
themselves, you will be prepared to handle them.

“Success is getting what you want and happiness is

wanting what you get.”
- Dave Gardner 1926-1983

You will want to think positively and what you want

will need to be positive. If you have a desire to do
something potentially harmful or damaging to someone,
then ask yourself, What is that going to do for me? When you
get the answer change your focus to getting what you want.
For example, maybe you had a fight with a friend and now
you want to prove them wrong. When you ask what that
will do for you, you discover you want that person to
respect your opinion and show them you know what you
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 44

are talking about. You can do that and you don’t have to
“prove them wrong” or offend them in the process. Change
your focus towards gaining respect and appreciation from
this person and you will quickly discover ways to do this.
The end result will be satisfactory to both of you and may
even strengthen your relationship with them.
Think of it like this, what you put out is what you
get back. This takes place in the form of what you think
and how you act. First, it is a guarantee that if you think
negatively then you are going to get something negative
back, especially since so much is based on perception and
attitude. A negative attitude definitely affects your actions,
eventually resulting in these actions being reciprocated back
to you. With a negative perception you won’t see anything
else and it will affect what you give. Thinking like this
helps you realize that it is better to train yourself to have
positive intentions and thoughts about yourself and others.
If you want to be truly happy and successful, then
you need a healthy, positive attitude. One of the easiest
ways to accomplish this is to think of what you want and
how it will positively impact you and those around you.
When you think about what you want like this, you will
begin to appreciate and understand yourself and those
around you in a different manner. Your new understanding
will help you in obtaining what you want out of life.

Summary

“You must become the change you want to see.”

- Mahatma Gandhi 1869-1948

Don’t think of purple elephants, or in other words,

thinking about what you want is the most important first
step in creating the life you want. The reason is that most of
you think about what you don’t want and then act surprised
when you get that. The simple fact is that your mind
 45 Happily, Ever After…

formulates a plan to gain what you think about and then

you automatically begin planning how to accomplish it. If
you are thinking of what you don’t want, then your mind
subconsciously plans to accomplish this. Since consciously
you know you don’t want this negative outcome, you begin
an internal battle with yourself and end up reinforcing your
belief that you never get what you want.
How do you avoid this? Simply, you think about
what you want, in every situation. You understand the fact
that your mind subconsciously plans for what you think
about and you consciously start to think only what you
want. You do this with a positive attitude, intending to
create happiness and success in your life. You also
understand that your former way of thinking was habitual
and the only way to correct it and develop new habits is to
consciously be aware of your thinking. You then decide to
catch yourself and correct your thinking. You know what
you want and question your thinking when your answer is
negative or what you don’t want.
Once you know what you really want then you can
go get it. Just by saying, “I want to be happy today and
smile at everyone,” you will be aware of this and drawn
towards accomplishing it. Start small, practice while
working your way up to bigger and bigger goals. The
practice will increase your confidence and your success.
Remember, knowing what you want automatically sets the
process for your mind to plan accomplishing it. Remain
flexible and open to opportunities. Have fun and get
started, now! So, what do you want?
 Don’t think of purple elephants! 46

Two Wolves
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about
a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two "wolves"

inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy,
sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt,
resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,
and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope,
serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy,
generosity, truth, compassion, and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then

asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

- Author unknown