Name: Rachel Zhang Grade: 8.

5/10
Criteria
Opening: the paper is introduced appropriately for
the assignment so that the reader is clear about the
writer’s intention.
Appropriate context is provided.
The writer has encouraged a reader’s interest.
The thesis is clear and appropriate for the
assignment.
Comments and Suggestions
Rachel, this paper is well-organized and offers some great insights
into the work and practices of the Edible Campus Program. Your essay
addresses all parts of the prompt, and you provide sufficient evidence
to support your points. If you decide to revise this paper for your final
portfolio, here are some areas that you need to work on:
1. Thesis statement
2. Quotes/Paraphrasing
3. Claim/Data/Warrant (reread your paper with a highlighter and
see where you need to add more analysis)
Good job!

Readability—organization, clarity, cohesion, and

flow: the ideas are organized and structured in a
manner appropriate for the assignment

The student shows skill and knowledge of

transitions and bridge building to help the reader
follow the flow of ideas.

Paragraphs are unified around one idea and one

point.

Sentences are constructed and arranged effectively to

show variety, clarity, and concision.

Word choice is precise, clear, effective, appropriate,

and interesting.
Development: the ideas and points are clearly and
appropriately developed with sufficient details so as
to show depth of thought and ability to link
generalizations and main points with specific
support.

Development goes beyond restating others’ words

and work and includes the writer’s own analysis
and explanation/reasoning.

Outside sources are accurately and honestly

introduced, quoted, paraphrased, summarized,
integrated, and documented.
Closing: the piece of writing is concluded in a way
that is appropriate for the purpose and audience
(closing statement)

The conclusion provides coherence with the

intention noted in the introduction and the support
provided in the development of the piece of writing.

Writing conventions—compassion and commas

consideration for the reader: shows care in pronoun reference
revising, editing, and proofreading so as to eliminate semi-colons
most problems with standard English usage, subject-verb agreement
syntax, punctuation, spelling, and grammar. parallel construction
Although the reader might encounter an occasional dashes verb tense
error, there should be no pattern of errors; shows capitalization spelling
precise and consistent adherence to documentation apostrophes
conventions when outside sources are used. articles

WP1
Rachel Zhang

4075040

A Discourse Community: Edible Campus Program

If you are a low-income student, will you be more willing to accept snacks and canned food

or fresh produce that Campus Food Bank received? Those canned foods may be carefully selected Deleted: F
Deleted: s
by donators when they are considering either buying organic original canned potato soup or spicy

one. However, that may not be the best way to help low-income students considering high-sodium, Commented [MOU1]: You don’t need “according to the..”
because you’re citing the website.
which increases their blood pressure, and excess sugar, which causes obesity, contained in the Deleted: , according to the description of the ECP on the
campus organisations website
packaged and canned foods. Edible Campus Program is an environmentally friendly program at Deleted: It is obvious that
Deleted: t
UCSB that is dedicated to “address local food insecurity by repurposing food production and Deleted: is
Deleted: . Unlike some academic community involving
turning waste into food”(Edible Campus Program). The program represents a non-academic researches or experiments that focuses on how gene
mutations can lead to cancer, this program
discourse community that does not require its members to have professional agriculture knowledge. Deleted: us
Deleted: audiences
It has different kinds of activities and publicity campaigns to attract members. To get involved,
Deleted: t
Deleted: by
current and potential members follow the program’s Facebook page to find out information about
Deleted: ing
voluntary projects or to learn about eco-friendly lessons the community offers. Deleted: its
Deleted: ,
First, the Edible Campus Program spreads information about food insecurity at UCSB via Deleted: participating in
Deleted: works,
Facebook posts. Its objective is to utilize the limited sources on campus to plant vegetables and fruit
Deleted: acquiring knowledge

to offer it to low-income students by donating to the Associated Student Food Bank. In addition, the Deleted: from
Deleted: shared its public goal of addressing
program educates students about environmental sustainability and builds a community to recruit Deleted: utilise
Deleted: as much as produce
volunteers and supporters for donation. For members joining the program, the main hope, though, is Deleted: and
Deleted: that fresh produce
not to get familiar with details of constructing the farm on campus. They have a intention of making
Deleted: a

people around us to live in a more sustainable life and save students from lack of nutritional food. Deleted: s
Deleted: f
Some posts on its Facebook website proves how it contributes. “The Edible Campus Program will Deleted: b
Deleted: T
be looking for volunteers to help us assemble the Hydroponic Vertical Garden and planting seeds. Deleted: also
Deleted: with
The volunteers will be learning about how to properly garden seeds and behind the scenes of fresh
Deleted: knowledge

produce growing that is distributed at the A.S. Food Bank”(UECP Facebook). By applying for Commented [MOU2]: What do you mean by this?
Commented [MOU3]: Integrate your quotes. Check out the
handout “They Say/I Say”
voluntary activities, volunteers can get to know its process of how they farm and transfer to A.S

Food Bank. Another post that also builds the strong relationship between its goal and activity that

relates to A.S Food Bank is “As promised Edible Campus Program made our first harvest from the

hydroponic towers today and delivered it to the AS Food Bank!”(UECP Facebook). Writers within

the community published an announcement to members they have realized their promise this year to Deleted: realised

those students in-need. And it also shared the intense joy with other members of ECP and told them

that they have taken a giant leap to reach its common goals. Commented [MOU4]: This is a good paragraph! Make sure
that all your claims are supported by evidence and that your
evidence is explained (warrants).
Edible Campus Program has “mechanism of intercommunication among their members and

uses its participatory mechanism primarily to provide information and feedback”(Swales). There is

one primary mechanism of intercommunication offered for members to communicate. ECP has a

Facebook website that allows its members to post their events. Not only does it function as a Deleted: It
Deleted: n
platform to attract audiences, but also ECP members can easily share the information with other Deleted: s
Commented [MOU5]: I’m deleting some extra words to
members to inform the time of the event. For instance, a post from UCSB Edible Campus Program show you how your sentences can be more concise.
Deleted: which are followers.
states, “Hey there Isla Vista students and community members! University United Methodist
Deleted: Students who are in

Church is teaming up with UCSB Edible Campus Program to establish a community garden! The

Methodist Community Garden Planning Party will have free food, and we will have a great time

planning for the community garden, what we like to grow, and your input is very important! So

come out to University United Methodist Church (892 Camino del Sur Goleta, CA 93117) on

October 7 at 12:15 – 1:30 PM!…”(UECP Facebook). It explicitly aims at ‘Isla Vista students and Commented [MOU6]: Your reader needs only some parts of
the quote to understand your claim. Use only those parts of
the quote that are most relevant to your claim.
community members. The post clearly shows the address that party hold. And thanks to the

convention of Facebook posts, members can share the information with others within the group

telling them they have an event in walking distance and it is a party! This post serves to create a

great connection between the community and its member.

Further, members of ECP can trace their memories back while browsing the Facebook page

where presenting their efforts via pictures and someone’s fantastic experiences. Its Facebook posts

use a great deal of “You” not only to be approachable but also to show its appreciation to its Deleted: to
members and volunteers. According to one post, “Thank you so many volunteers for coming out to

St. Michael's church BBQ and participating. It was a successful event because of your help! Also, a

great event planned by our St. Michael Intern Arely!”(UECP Facebook) It showed its respect to

those volunteers and brought them closer. Another post expressed an even stronger affiliation with

its volunteer. “Thank you to Sasha, Jackson Hayes, Shane, and Adriana Ocasio as well as to Adory

Khandaker who made some beautiful signs to post at the pantry helping students know where their

food comes from!”(UECP Facebook). It looks like a reward which directly mentioned volunteer’s

name, and the feedback to members and volunteers promotes them to be more loyal to the

organization. Deleted: organisation

Not only Edible Campus Program communicate via Facebook posts and Messengers, but the Deleted: a
Deleted: a
organization also has its website to explain terms and make a summary of events to reach its aims Deleted: organisation

better. Different from Facebook posts they published, ECP placed more specific information of its

various plans on the website. If you browse its site, you will have a clue about “Campus Farm” it

launches. According to webpage “Campus Farm”, “The farm is proposed to be located just to the

North of the Orfalea Family Children’s Center at West Campus and will have an adjoining fence

with the Children’s Center”(Campus Farm). It has put the location and construction map of the farm Commented [MOU7]: It will be more effective if you
paraphrase this quote.
on its website in case people would like to know and visit. And it also helps to clear students’

doubts of what is west campus used for, since a lot of students have thought there meant to be

classrooms or academic buildings based on its name. ECP also publishes the produce list for

Student Farm to remind and ensure that they can meet their distribution goals. Low-income students

can even get to know the items that donated to the A.S Food Bank if checking that lists. Low-

income students may be happy while browsing the website because there will be no longer

unwanted canned foods collecting dusk in the A.S Food Bank, but instead fresh produce as stone

fruits, squash, and broccoli. ECP community successfully furthers its aims in solving food

insecurity at UCSB.
 Edible Campus Program also has its lexis that only members of ECP may understand to

intercommunicate successfully. For instance, it launched its first hydroponic project in Spring 2017.

Normals may not even hear of what “hydroponics vertical garden” (Hydroponics

) is. However, students in ECP have been educated that the seed’s roots grow into the air instead of

soil. It is more likely to be seen as “aeroponic systems”, which is used in aeroponics to transmit

nutrients. Based on the size of the water droplets, it has been called as a hydroponic growing

system. Take another Facebook post the program shared as an example. “DPW is hiring! Apply on

Handshake! Worm Wranglers help manage the urban orchard and other ECP projects. We basically

get to garden and have fun all day!! Come join our team”(UECP Facebook). “DPW” is the

abbreviation of Department of Public Worms. “Worm Wranglers” refers to a job that requires

individuals to maintain its program by feed and care for the population of worms and assist with

some outreach activities. Also, “urban orchard” is a project that plants citrus trees in underutilized Deleted: -
Deleted: s
areas at UCSB. All of these words may be misinterpreted by people unless they are in the

community. Commented [MOU8]: Develop this thought.

Last, the Edible Campus Program also satisfies the last requirement of being a discourse

community. There should be a fair number of experts and trainees to make those people engage in

the organization. Trainees, for instance, volunteers, may not be willing to spend their Sunday Commented [MOU9]: The spelling is correct but it’s a
British version.
afternoon knowing professional knowledge of how to build an agricultural system. It only asks Deleted: organisation

volunteers and members to do the simplest job, which is to assemble the Hydroponic Vertical

Garden. According to the information within the post, “the Edible Campus Program will be looking

for volunteers to help us assemble the Hydroponic Vertical Garden and planting seeds”(UECP

Facebook). Facebook posts do not place a large ratio of academic knowledge of Hydroponic

Vertical Garden as its website. Members who are within the community and has transformed from

trainees to experts already acquired this theoretical knowledge. Therefore, it is wise for them not

putting much high-level expertise in the Facebook posts. In consequence, more and more students
will ask for volunteer opportunities and join the program to help maintain the organisation, and may

have a chance to learn academic knowledge to construct the design of farm.

Overall, Edible Campus Program is an excellent example of the discourse community. The

program set up a set of common goals, which is solve food insecurity within some UCSB students,

and encourage members to realise. It uses Facebook posts to provide information, for instance, time

and location of voluntary works, to group members, and make intercommunication while showing

appreciation towards their members within posts. The lexis ECP uses are exclusive for its members.

And it maintains a constant ratio between experts and apprentices to cooperate and make the

community vivid. It is getting close to the aims of the community and continuously helps those low-

income students to live better.

 Works Cited

“Campus Farm.” UCSB Sustainability, 12 Apr. 2018, www.sustainability.ucsb.edu/campus-farm/.

“Edible Campus Program.” UCSB Sustainability, 7 Sept. 2018,

www.sustainability.ucsb.edu/ediblecampus/.

“Hydroponics.” UCSB Sustainability, 12 Apr. 2018, www.sustainability.ucsb.edu/hydroponics/.

Swales, John. “The Concept of Discourse Community.” Genre Analysis: English in Academic and

Research Settings. Boston: Cambridge UP, 1990. 21-32. Print.

UCSB Edible Campus Program. Look for volunteers. Facebook, 24 Sep. 2018, 1:50 a.m,

https://www.facebook.com/events/2189611304610918/. Accessed 19 Oct. 2018.

UCSB Edible Campus Program. Joy of first harvest. Facebook,15 Aug. 2017,

https://www.facebook.com/EdibleCampusProgram/posts/1741205116179867?__xts__[0]=68.ARB

F5ely1cDilIlQQdLEyOXfR4UpmRMfW0YuSMC9P_LL676LeeEOCEfgmNl-

V31AUlimvEkrG8BcvflyzFx1OV3B41HXq2Ebog_h6WGu4ijXd5-

rqUJ4kIzDD3edrNajFoLaHbMLCrPlZOE5CPyRGwvsAFOy7iD7uhy-uocHv-

akw0Hs8xy6rGDtNJDj7Ht3ahBWOrupUk8&__tn__=-R. Accessed 19 Oct. 2018.

UCSB Edible Campus Program. The Methodist Community Garden Planning Party. Facebook, 25

Sep. 2018, 10:38 p.m, https://www.facebook.com/events/2123805664499600/. Accessed 19 Oct.

2018.
UCSB Edible Campus Program. Summary of the church BBQ event. Facebook, 2 Oct. 2018,

https://www.facebook.com/EdibleCampusProgram/photos/a.1543750989258615/195765753786795

6/?type=3&theater. Accessed 19 Oct. 2018.

UCSB Edible Campus Program. Hiring a Worm wrangler. Facebook, 22 Nov. 2017,

https://www.facebook.com/EdibleCampusProgram/posts/1777976805836031?__xts__[0]=68.ARC

qY0Rlledc0OpIo_4UwpFFSOTenqDx6dVE3Wpvt0soISJz56DHW1gX71cAE3-EcGQ5_K_Jgk-

1x9BBT8TqqT_B4xYo55XxN5G-

K9eeHHRHhOqcMfSlWDMysxejBq6dJnmJpyEACkDo3Z5xDl-

ueZTZuYe6ZAwxmb10qZC0Pm0Z1Al5tWMqxAA9kSo7smtUHsLTAvJ5KnSkqGqfYTGv4QRF

CmM&__tn__=-R. Accessed 19 Oct. 2018.