A problem of modern societies is the high level of violent crime.

I
completely agree that regulating some violent scenes in mass media by Commented [AB1]: ‘visual media’ – the reference is

government would be a good idea. to tv and film.

There are several reasons why I approve of this action. If we were Commented [AB2]: ‘some regulation’ is clearer. Use ‘this’
exposed frequently to plenty of media violence, those, especially in a following sentence, not paragraph.

juveniles, who have poor self-control would imitate what they see in the Commented [AB3]: ‘considerable, continuous, constant’
videos. They will bring what they learn from virtual world to the real world, are clearer words here.

and their reasons for committing crime can be for fun, stimulating, or Commented [AB4]: ‘would’ – better to use the same
ignorant. Public even do not clearly understand the consequence of tenses throughout.

exceeding the law’s bottom line, since media always glorify violence for Commented [AB5]: ‘could, would be’ – better to continue
audience rating which is quite different from the reality. By this way, it is with the same modals – here for ‘hypothesis’.

easy for individuals to become aggressive and develop anti-social Commented [AB6]: ‘stimulation – is the correct noun
behavior. here.

Commented [AB7]: ‘ignorance’ – noun.

Furthermore, the crime in videos might teach the potential offenders how
Commented [AB8]: ‘The public do not even …..’
to commit crime successfully, instead of playing the role of deterrence.
Commented [AB9]: ‘consequences’ – more than one.
There are a great deal of scenes in films which have detailed plots and
explicit scenes about crime activities, such as killing the target in one shot, Commented [AB10]: ‘tend to’ – ‘always’ is too strong.

abusing the hostage in the cruelest way and destroying the evidence. By Commented [AB11]: ‘ratings’ – more than one.

watching these videos, those who are inclined to commit crimes can Commented [AB12]: ‘In this way’ – is the correct
become shrewd offenders, being difficult for the policeman to discover phrase.

and arrest. More and more criminals would choose taking risks in Commented [AB13]: ‘the potential offenders’ – with
desperation, leading to high crime rates in some areas. plural nouns, in general (topic sentences) no ‘the’.

Commented [AB14]: ‘explicit scenes of crime’ – more

In conclusion, I do believe that excessive violent programs should be cut concise.
down by advisable government in order to create a safe social Commented [AB15]: ‘reduced’ – more formal.
environment.
Commented [AB16]: Unclear – ‘advisable government’
or ‘it is advisable that government ….’.
Comments:
IELTS Marking Criteria My comments Band score
 Task Fulfilment A good introduction but a
less clear conclusion. 7.5
Presents a well-developed
response to the question
with relevant, extended
and supported ideas. A
complete answer has been
given. A very good effort.
Cohesion and Coherence Sequences information and
ideas logically. Manages 7.5
some aspects of cohesion
well. Uses paragraphing
sufficiently and
appropriately - the essay
flows well in parts,
however your use of ‘by
this way’ was an issue.
Lexical resource Uses a sufficient range of
vocabulary to allow some 7.5
flexibility and precision.
Uses less common lexical
items with some
awareness of style and
collocation. Some very
good collocations like:
‘detailed plots; in one
shot’; with a few small
mistakes with nouns vs
adjectives e.g. ‘ignorant’.
Grammatical Range Produces some good
and accuracy sentences. Has some
good control of grammar 7.0
and punctuation, but may
make a few errors which
relate to articles and
consistence of modal verbs
– ‘will vs would and can vs
could’.

Overall score – 7.5 – a superb answer with excellent ideas and vocabulary. Some
issues with grammar to be fixed.