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Otto F. Kernberg
New York Presbyterian Hospital, 21 Bloomingdale Road, White Plains, New
York 10605, USA – okernber@med.cornell.edu
This paper is a meditation on the potential and problems of establishing and main-
taining loving and passionate relationships, drawn from a lifetime of struggling
with these issues in the course of doing analysis. It describes interferences with the
capacity for mature sexual love as reflecting various psychopathological condi-
tions. These limitations include a variety of psychological restrictions determined
most frequently by masochistic, narcissistic and paranoid personality features.
Clinical case material illustrates both mature and disturbed capability for love
relations.
Key words: ego ideal, love relations, marital conflicts, masochism, narcissism, object
relations, oedipal structure, triangulation
Falling in love
Obviously, in the state of ‘falling in love’, we expect to see a degree of ideali-
zation of the other person, an enchantment with the partner’s physical,
sexual and personality features, an interest in and respect for the other per-
son’s value systems, and an intense longing for sexual intimacy, emotional
closeness, and for a meeting of the minds regarding joint ways to experience
the world and relate to it (Chasseguet-Smirgel, 1973). It is a passionate
experience. This is in sharp contrast to narcissistic patients’ typical ‘market
analysis’ of the pros and cons of potential partners’ attributes, to masochis-
tic patients’ anxious idealization of their love object with the phantasy that
rejection would mean a major devaluation of themselves, and to paranoid
patients’ fearful attention to not being treated badly or being cheated. The
lack of the capacity to fall in love is a characteristic symptom of severely
narcissistic personalities; the incapacity to fall in love is an important diag-
nostic marker.
Necessarily, the initial idealization of falling in love will shift into the
awareness of some shortcomings in the other and in the relationship, of new
aspects of their interaction that have to be incorporated into the image of
the other, both good and bad. The accumulation of gratifying experiences,
intense moments of life together that enrich the relationship in the sexual,
emotional, and value systems realms, while fostering a deep feeling of grati-
tude for love received and responded to, generates a sense of personal value
and emotional wealth derived from the relationship, and leads to the trans-
forming of falling in love into being in love, that is, a stable love relation
(Dicks, 1967). The nature of the idealization of the love object shifts
throughout time. Again, narcissistic patients, given their difficulties in
establishing object relations in depth, often evince a tendency to repeatedly
evolving, transient falling in love or ‘infatuations’. They have great difficulty
in maintaining a stable love relation. The unconscious envy of the sexual
partner, defended against by a process of relentless devaluation is a domi-
nant dynamic of these cases (Kernberg, 2004).
Basic trust
A second characteristic of the capacity for mature love is the presence of a
basic trust in the partner’s empathy with oneself and the goodwill of the
other. A corresponding capacity is the freedom to be open about oneself,
including about one’s weaknesses, conflicts, and frailties, daring to express
one’s needs for help and understanding one’s doubts in oneself at time of
crisis or regarding conflictual aspects of the self, with the implicit trust that
the other will understand, tolerate one’s uncertainty and sense of frailty,
and that love will not be affected negatively by revealing one’s vulnerabili-
ties. At bottom, this capacity implies the internal security in depending on a
loving maternal introject, even when oedipal guilt complicates this deep
sense of a secure attachment. Without it, such basic trust remains frail.
The ability to be open and honest, must, of course, be reciprocal, so that
both parties may feel free to reveal themselves and thus challenge one
another to contribute to their growth as individuals and as a couple.
Honesty may become a major test of the love relation. Of particular
importance is the question of infidelity, always a major threat to the love
relation, indicating, as it does, a profound conflict in at least one of the
members of the couple. Honesty about involvement with a third party poses
a serious challenge to trust in the understanding, the tolerance, and the
capacity for an authentic forgiveness on the part of the other. To be able to
openly acknowledge behavior that hurts the other, accepting one’s own
responsibility in an honest communication that trusts the other’s goodwill
(although one cannot be certain of the other’s understanding and forgiveness),
reflecting the commitment to honesty above the certainty of preservation of
the relationship, is an indication of such basic trust. It may become a major
test of the survival potential of a love relation.
A married woman in her late 30s, in analysis for several conversion symp-
toms and a chronic, neurotic depression, had established, in the course of
the treatment, a relationship with another man, thereby acting out negative
transference developments related to a seductive and rejecting father figure,
and in response to a chronic conflict with her narcissistic husband. His
initial idealization of her, and his later apparent indifference revived her
oedipal resentment toward father, powerfully activated in the transference as
well, leading to this acting out, and to an extended period of working
through this conflict through transference analysis. At one point, having
ended the extramarital relationship, she felt threatened by a third party who
might reveal that relationship to her husband. A period of obsessive rumina-
tion followed about whether or not to preventively confess this relationship
to the husband. She was afraid of his narcissistic reaction, his revengefully
walking out on her, but also, as a consequence of analytic work, she became
aware that infantile roots of her fears of being punished for ‘forbidden’ sex-
ual behavior, projected onto her husband, exacerbated her anxiety over the
past affair. Also, reaching the conclusion that in effect, in spite of his char-
acterological limitations, her husband really did love her and that she
trusted him in this regard, she was able to assess more realistically his
capacity to overcome such a traumatic revelation and appreciate her honesty
and her wish to resolve the difficulties of their marriage. Finally, she decided
that he would be able to recognize her good will and commitment to their
relationship, and openly discussed her now past affair with him. It was an
anxious time for her and in her analyst’s countertransference. She was not
disappointed: her greater maturity, and her husband’s capacity to work
through his narcissistic lesion and mourning process, significantly deepened
the marital relationship. Obviously, many cases with similar difficulties end
in separation and divorce. Here, particularly the masochistic amplification
of the experience of betrayal by the partner or the narcissistic intolerance of
having been injured are important complicating features.
deeper sense, the capacity to forgive reflects the achievement of the depres-
sive position, the acknowledgement of one’s own aggressive potential, and
the confidence in repairing a traumatized relationship.
acknowledged and dealt with honestly, with the underlying pleasure in the
capacity to achieve such an understanding, that strengthens the boundaries
of the couple in that context.
It may sound trivial to stress the importance of communicating to each
other love for each other as an ongoing communication, and it certainly
may become a routine, stereotypical behavior; however, as an expression
of an ongoing, always new pleasure in the daily encounter and
re-encounter, sharing with the other the very pleasure with the other’s
presence and love may be part of a consistent mutual communication of
life experience. It signals the ongoing awareness of the life project of the
couple. It is the counterpart of the capacity to tolerate temporary separa-
tions, not simply in terms of time or geographic distance, but in terms of
the unavoidable – and necessary – discontinuities of a relationship, that
confirms difference and individuality, independent experiences that may
later be joined, and the normal acting out of the ambivalence of all love
relations.
An obsessive man in analytic treatment complained about his wife’s con-
sistent expression of unhappiness with him because he never shared his
feelings with her. During one session, he pointed out to me that this was
similar to his mother’s chronic complaining about his behavior, attempting
to make him feel guilty. He asked me: didn’t he openly express his feelings
about his wife to me? I acknowledged that he expressed his feelings about
her openly to me, including, in recent times, his feelings of love for her ….
So there seemed to be a strange discrepancy between the sessions and the
relation with his wife. At that point, he realized that being ‘too open’
about expressing his loving feeling to his wife made him feel uncomfortable
about his relationship with me – now representing his jealous mother. It
was an unconscious aspect of his fear to reveal his loving dependency to
his wife. And would she believe that it was childish of him to love her so
much?
Sharing with each other the pleasures the other one gives in such
ordinary daily experiences as watching each other in social encounters,
observing spontaneous behavior of the other that has an endearing quality,
sharing, as a source of enjoyment, a peculiar, sometimes comical and
sometimes moving gesture and reaction, a sudden expression of pleasure
of the other, form strong bonds in the union of the couple. Love should
permit opening one’s eyes to pleasure the other has experienced and has
helped us to discover; love implies sharing meanings we construct on an
ongoing basis of life experience and shifting life realities. It is the opposite
of a couple taking each other for granted. Frequently, oedipal guilt, not
daring to experience a better marital relation than the one a patient’s par-
ent shared in reality or in the patient’s phantasy, may be the source of an
excessive constraint in mutual enjoyment. A frequent masochistic acting
out in long-standing couples is the accusatory statement by one partner:
‘He (she) should have remembered this anniversary … been aware that
that statement hurt me … know from experience what I want.’ Many
patients – and not only patients – have to learn that humans are not
telepathic.
prolongation of the status quo, usually indicates loss of love on the part of
one of them, and bodes poorly for continuing the marriage. Uncertainty
within the relationship needs to be respected, within a limit of time. When
uncertainty cannot be resolved by means of a trial separation, and there is a
lack of urgency to reach a decision, except under conditions of pressure
from the other, this is usually an indication of the need to accept the loss
and move on with one’s life. Such a mature resolution contrasts sharply
with masochistic submission to an impossible situation or a narcissistic
denial of the possibility that one may be rejected.
One’s feeling of love for the other, as well as the expectation of an equal
commitment of the other as a precondition to maintaining or resuming the
relationship, should permit finding a middle road between a naivet based
on denial of the reality, on the one hand, and a paranoid attitude about the
partner’s motivation, on the other.
In describing specific clinical features interfering with the capacity for
sexual love, I have expressed the experience that the awareness of these com-
ponents of mature love relations may facilitate the diagnosis of the subtle
aspects of masochistic and narcissistic pathology that reduce the capacity
for normal enjoyment of love life, and are common sources of chronic con-
flicts of individuals and couples. I believe that the consistent awareness of
these features in the mind of the analyst treating patients and couples in
severe conflicts may provide a helpful frame that sharpens the focus on the
expression of the pathology of love relations.
The analyst may highlight areas of ego-syntonic freezing or limitations in
a patient’s love relationship that opens the patient’s awareness of uncon-
scious conflicts blocking the full experience and expression of love: fear of
dependency, denial of an idealization that would evoke guilt, reaction for-
mations against envy, jealousy … Analytic exploration may expand the
depth and scope of a love relation by highlighting and exploring such ‘blind
spots’, and resolving, in the process, what are almost universal masochistic
features, unconscious, oedipally determined guilt over a happy love relation.
Translations of summary
Grenzen der Liebesfähigkeit. Dieser Beitrag ist eine Meditation ber das Potential und die Probleme
der Aufnahme und Aufrechterhaltung leidenschaftlicher Beziehungen, die sich auf die lebenslange Aus-
einandersetzung mit diesen Fragen in der Durchfhrung analytischer Behandlungen sttzt. Beschrieben
werden Beeintrchtigungen der Fhigkeit zu reifer sexueller Liebe, die verschiedene psychopathologische
Zustnde widerspiegeln. Diese Grenzen umfassen eine Vielfalt psychischer Beeintrchtigungen, die zumeist
auf masochistische, narzisstische und paranoide Persçnlichkeitsmerkmale zurckzufhren sind. Klinisches
Fallmaterial illustriert sowohl die reife als auch die gestçrte Fhigkeit, Liebesbeziehungen zu leben.
Limitaciones de la capacidad de amar. Este trabajo constituye una reflexin acerca de las posibilid-
ades de establecer y mantener relaciones amorosas y apasionadas y de los obstculos para hacerlo, a
partir de toda una vida de lidiar con estas cuestiones en el curso de la prctica psicoanaltica. Se describe
cmo las interferencias con la capacidad para el amor sexual maduro reflejan distintas condiciones
psicopatolgicas. Estas limitaciones incluyen una variedad de restricciones psicolgicas determinadas
principalmente por rasgos de personalidad masoquistas, narcisistas y paranoicos. El material clnico
ilustra tanto la capacidad madura de involucrarse en relaciones amorosas, como la alteracin de dicha
capacidad.
Les limitations de la capacit d’aimer. Cet article est une mditation sur le potentiel et problmes d¢ta-
blir et maintenir l’amour et les rapports passionns, tire d¢une vie de lutte avec ces thmes au cours de
masochistici, narcisisistici e paranoici. I casi clinici presentati nel lavoro illustrano sia situazioni in cui
esiste la capacit
di stabilire rapporti amorosi maturi sia situazioni in cui questa capacit
risulta essere
inibita.
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