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Emotionally Focused Premarital Group Therapy

Jordan Mallery

Moody Theological Seminary

Clinical Mental Health Counseling Program

October 13, 2018

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Emotionally Focused Premarital Group Therapy

Love and intimacy are the hallmarks of a good relationship. These qualities exist when

healthy attachments are learned and developed from an early age. However, attachments can

become insecure and then begin a new path of anxiety, avoidance or chaos. In fact, “the most

commonly reported major contributors to divorce were lack of commitment, infidelity, and

conflict/arguing” (Scott et al 2013) which are often biproducts of an insecure attachment. Every

adult relationship stems from the personal attachment style that they learned in childhood

(Greenman et al 2013). Attachment theory classifies four main styles of attachment; secure

attachment, ambivalent/avoidant, anxious and anxious/avoidant. The attachment style that is

learned as a child is automatically applied within romantic relationships and without the proper

attention, can grow into stressor that eventually debilitates the relationship. This curriculum

stands as an early intervention program to bring awareness of the pitfalls and challenges that

cause marriages to fail while also removing the stigma of going to counseling in the future

(Williamson et al 2014).

This program is a 6-week faith-based psychoeducational group for couples engaged to be

married within 12 months of this course. This group is designed to educate each person on their

own attachment style and help them identify their own emotional needs and understand the

healthy and unhealthy attachment patterns used in their closest relationships (Furrow et al 2011).

Objectives of the group

The purpose of this group is to walk couples through the stages of EFT and provide opportunities

for couples to process their own relational pitfalls supported by evidence based outcomes (Wiebe

et al 2016).

- Members will learn to identify their emotions, welcome them and articulate them.
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- Members will identify attachment needs and decode their own behaviors when these

needs are not met

- Members will understand the attachment needs of their partner and recognize the

attachment style they use.

- Members will practice communication techniques that lead to intimacy

- Members will learn effective approaches to conflict resolution

- Members will acknowledge destructive attachment patterns within their relationship and

will learn tools to choose vulnerability.

Group formation and details

This group will be advertised on the New Life Community Facebook page and marketing

materials will be available in the church office and recourse table. Only 4-6 couples will be

permitted to join this group per series and each couple must have a wedding day within 12

months of the first session. This group will start on October 18th and will meet every Thursday

evening from 7pm-9pm, over 6 consecutive weeks and will be hosted in the “Small Group

Room” in the lower level of New Life Community Church in Lincoln Park (NLLP). The cost of

each session is fully covered by NLLP. The only cost associated with this group is the purchase

of the book, “Hold Me Tight” by Sue Johnson. The following informed-consent form must be

completed by each individual before they can be registered with this group.

Group Composition

This group is intended for any heterosexual couple that is looking to get married within

the next 12 months. This program is open to all ages and couples looking to remarry are very

welcome to attend. There are no cultural nor religious requirements, but some group topics will
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include personal beliefs regarding topics of faith and spirituality. As these beliefs have an

influence on self-perception and worldview.

Diversity Considerations

Since this group is hosted by a church, it is important to be sensitive to individuals that do

not believe the same as the majority of the group. Each member will have the opportunity to pass

on group questions as to not make anyone feel like they are singled out for their personal

religious beliefs. Each meeting will include a reminder of the values of the group to help

everyone remember to keep all sessions confidential. Since some topics are very sensitive, some

activities will be done in dyads with the engaged couple alone. The group will be mixed gender

and will consists of diverse cultural and ethnic backgrounds. Various approaches to learning

styles will also be considered in the curriculum; Physical, Visual, Aural and Verbal. This broad

diversity is valuable as it will serve to dismiss stereotypes and misconceptions about people

unlike oneself (Corey et al 2018).

Theoretical approach

This program will be Psychoeducational in nature and hold to an Emotionally Focuses

Group Therapy approach for treatment. This approach is proven effective to improve relations

with couples in distress by providing support to express emotions (Motaharinasab et al 2016). It

is effective in turning “changing conflict resolution styles from destructive to constructive

conflict resolution styles” (Havaasi et al 2018). Here we will rework the interventions to

preemptively assist the premarital couple to identify the unhelpful attachment patterns before

they say, “I do”. Borrowing from Sue Johnson’s A.R.E., we believe that each person is asking of

their intimate partner, “Can I reach you?”, “Can I rely on you to respond to me emotionally?”
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and “Do I know you will value me and stay close?”. In other words, they are asking if their

partner is accessible, responsive and engaged with them and their needs (Johnson 2008).

Process of the group

This psychoeducational program will mostly use activities and evaluations to serve as a

tool for self-awareness and greater understanding of oneself and partner. With that being said,

each session will focus on a specific topic that relates to elements that contribute to the health of

a romantic relationship.

Session 1 – Intro, group, what is attachment theory and personal background

Session 2 –Personality assessments, identifying emotions

Session 3 –Attachment needs, identifying the patterns that lead to conflict

Session 4 – Applying techniques for repairing negative emotions

Session 5 – Availability, Responsiveness and Engagement that leads to security

Session 6 – Review of key takeaways, goal setting and evaluations

Group Leadership

The group facilitator will focus on two major dynamics of the group process;

psychoeducation and therapy. Since this is a premarital course, the couples will be taught each

week about a specific aspect of a healthy, intimate relationship. However, as members gain more

understanding of the theory, the facilitator will apply EFT as treatment for attachment issues that

emerge within sessions. The facilitator will focus on the following elements:

- Engaging the group by providing structure and setting the pace of the format

- Educating the group on details of the topic

- Inviting the group to participate

- Modeling empathy and rapport building

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- Enforcing group expectations

Evaluation

This group will begin by completing the Interpersonal Communication Skills Inventory

(ICSI) which will serve as a starting point for each member. In addition, each member would be

given the first portion of the Counseling Evaluation Form before the first session. After each

session from that point on, each person will complete a Mid-Therapy Review. Finally, each

member will complete the End of Therapy Review during our last session. This regular time of

evaluation is a helpful tool to maximize the short time we have together. These evaluations will

not only help me address any dissatisfaction but will also serve as a reflective tool for the

members.

COUNSELING EVALUATION FORM

DATE:………… D.O.B. ..……/………/…….

NAME:…………………………… AGE……………

ETHNICITY:…………………………… POST CODE……………..

DATE OF 1ST SESSION:……………….. LOCATION…………………

(TO BE COMPLETED DURING 1ST SESSION)

1) WHAT ARE THE MAIN DIFFICULTIES YOU WOULD LIKE COUNSELLING

SUPPORT WITH?

2) HOW ARE YOU FEELING RIGHT NOW?

3) ON A SCALE OF 1 – 10, (1=LOW, 10=HIGH),

HOW WOULD YOU RATE HOW THESE DIFFICULTIES ARE
MAKING YOU FEEL?

__________________________________________________
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DATE:….. MID-THERAPY REVIEW

(TO BE COMPLETED DURING A MID-REVIEW SESSION)

1) HOW HAVE YOU FOUND COUNSELLING SO FAR?

2) HAS THE COUNSELLING HELPED WITH ANY OF YOUR

DIFFICULTIES SO FAR? AND IF SO, WHICH ONES?

3) OVERALL, HOW HAPPY ARE YOU WITH THE COUNSELLING SO

FAR? (PLEASE TICK A BOX BELOW):

VERY HAPPY HAPPY MIXED FEELINGS

NOT SO HAPPY VERY UNHAPPY

4) COMPARED TO HOW YOU FELT IN BEFORE YOUR 1ST SESSION, ON A

SCALE OF 1 – 10, (1=LOW, 10=HIGH),
HOW WOULD YOU RATE HOW THESE DIFFICULTIES ARE
MAKING YOU FEEL NOW?

DATE:………… END OF THERAPY REVIEW

(TO BE COMPLETED DURING LAST SESSION)

1A) HAS COUNSELLING HELPED YOU WITH ANY OF THE DIFFICULTIES YOU
FIRST BROUGHT TO COUNSELLING? Y/N

1B) IF YES, IN WHAT WAYS?

(PLEASE GIVE A NUMBER RATING HOW MUCH THESE DIFFICULTIES ARE

AFFECTING YOU NOW) – 1=LOW 10=HIGH

2) PLEASE DESCRIBE ANYTHING THAT YOU FEEL HAS BEEN

HELPFUL ABOUT YOUR COUNSELLING EXPERIENCE:
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3) PLEASE DESCRIBE ANYTHING THAT YOU FEEL HAS BEEN

DIFFICULT ABOUT YOUR COUNSELLING EXPERIENCE:

4) LOOKING BACK OVER YOUR COUNSELLING, IS THERE

ANYTHING WHICH REMAINS UNRESOLVED FOR YOU
OR THAT YOU STILL FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT?

5) OVERALL, HOW HAPPY DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THE SERVICE

YOU HAVE RECEIVED? – PLEASE TICK A BOX BELOW:

VERY HAPPY HAPPY MIXED FEELINGS

NOT SO HAPPY VERY UNHAPPY

6) ANY OTHER COMMENTS:

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Interpersonal Learning

The lessons learned in group are intended to be practiced outside of the group. The self-

awareness developed from this program will provide each member with the insight to notice

whenever an attachment need is being threatened. For example, as couples experience conflict in

their relationship with each other or with other friends and family, the same principles of this

program also apply. These sessions will provide each person with tools for understanding

interpersonal conflict and techniques to help them move toward connection.

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INFORMED CONSENT—GROUP COUNSELING

Welcome to your premarital group experience!
Premarital group counseling can be a powerful and valuable venue for healing and growth. It is the desire
of your group facilitator that you reap all the benefits this group has to offer. To help this occur,
this group is structured to include the following elements:

- A safe environment in which you are able to feel respected and valued as you work
- An understanding of group goals and group norms
- Investment by both your facilitator and members to produce a consistent group
experience

A SAFE ENVIRONMENT

A safe environment is created and maintained by both the facilitator of a group and its
members. Primary ingredients are mutual respect and a chance to create trust. Another primary
ingredient for a safe environment has to do with confidentiality. Your group facilitator is
bound by law to maintain confidentiality, as group members are bound by honor to keep what is
said in the group in the group. We realize that you may want to share what you are learning
about yourself in group with a significant other. This is fine as long as you remember not to talk
about how events unfold in group or in any other way compromise the confidentiality of other
group members.

LIMITS OF CONFIDENTIALITY:

- If you are a threat to yourself or others (showing suicidal or homicidal intent), your
facilitator may need to report your statements and/or behaviors to family, your
therapist, or other appropriate mental health or law enforcement professionals in order
to keep you and others safe.
- There are a broad range of events that are reportable under child protection statues.
Physical or sexual abuse of a child will be reported to Child Protective Services. When the
victim of child abuse is over age 18, reporting is not mandatory unless there are minors
still living with the abuser, who may be in danger. Elder abuse is also required to be
reported to the appropriate authorities.
- If a court of law orders a subpoena of case records or testimony, your facilitator will
first assert “privilege” (which is your right to deny the release of your records although
this is not available in all states for group discussions). Your facilitator will release
records if a court denies the assertion of privilege and orders the release of records.
-Records may also be released with your written permission. Records will include only
your personal progress in group—not information about other group members.
- Facilitators may consult with other professionals regarding group interactions. This allows
a freedom to gain other perspectives and ideas concerning how best to help you reach
your goals in group. No identifying information is shared in such consultations unless a
release has been obtained from you as a group member.

OTHER SAFETY FACTORS:

- Members of a group may not use drugs or alcohol before or during group
- Members of a group should not engage in discussion of group issues outside of
group
- Members of group should remember that keeping confidentiality allows for an
environment where trust can be built and all members may benefit from the group
experience
- Your group facilitator will monitor discussions and maintain a respectful
environment to keep safety and trust a priority
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ATTENDANCE

Your presence in group is highly important. A group dynamic is formed that helps create an
environment for growth and change. If you are absent from the group, this dynamic suffers and
affects the experience of you and other members of the group. Therefore, your facilitator
would ask that you make this commitment a top priority for the duration of the group.
It is understood that occasionally an emergency may occur that will prevent you from attending
group. If you are faced with an emergency or sudden illness, please contact your facilitator
before group begins to let them know you will not be present.

Because it usually takes several group sessions for clients to "settle in" and receive the full
benefits a therapy group provides, we ask incoming members to make the full 6-week commitment
when they join this group. We ask this because each member of a group is important--your presence and your
absence impacts members and facilitators.

WHAT TO EXPECT

Group time consists of both teaching and processing time. Processing may revolve around an
issue one member of the group is working on with time for structured feedback and reactions by
other members of the group. At times the group may focus on a topic with all members verbally
participating. In either case, the group dynamic offers a place where you can experience support,
give support, understand more clearly how you relate to others, and examine your own beliefs
about yourself, God, and the world around you. These dynamics provide a very powerful
environment for change.

Remember, the more you give of yourself during the sessions, the more you will receive. The
more honest and open you are, the more you allow for insight and growth.

FEES

The fee for this group is $30.00 per 50-minute session. (You must sign a release form for your
individual therapist in order to participate in this group.) You are responsible to pay for each
session except in the case of a true emergency. This is Fee is covered at no cost to you, by New Life Community
Church.

CONSENT

Please fill out the top and bottom of this form. The bottom portion of the form is for
your records and the top portion of the form will be kept in your file. Thank you!

Group Consent Form—Name of Group:

____________________________________________________________

I have read the above information, understand the information, and agree to the terms of group
participation.

Signature of Group Member:

____________________________________________________________

Printed Name of Group Member:

____________________________________________________________
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Date:________________

Signature of Facilitator:

____________________________________
**************************************************************************

CLIENT’S COPY

I have read the above information, understand the information, and agree to the terms of group
participation.

Signature of Group Member:

_____________________________________________________________

Printed Name of Group Member:

_____________________________________________________________

Date:_______________________

Signature of Facilitator(s):

________________________________
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WEEK 1

Focus: Where did you come from?

Develop an awareness of how early family relationships influence current relationships

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to

- Articulate attachment theory
- Identify the dynamic of their family of origin
- Illustrate key connection patterns of each family member

GROUP CONNECTION
Introductions
- Have each couple introduce themselves
o Name?
o How long have you been together?
o When is your wedding date?
o What was your first date? What did you do and what do you remember about your
fiancé from that day?

PSYCHOEDUCATION
Read an excerpt from: http://www.aimcounselling.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Cliff-Notes-
from-The-Seven-Principles-of-Making-Marriage-Work.pdf

Attachment theory has revolutionized child-rearing methods in North America. Today it

is widely accepted that children have an absolute requirement for safe, ongoing physical and
emotional closeness and that we ignore this only at great cost. The interesting thing is the need
for such physical and emotional closeness does not end with childhood. It is critical in adult love
relationships.
Throughout history we have come to the stance that maturity means being independent
and self-sufficient, the notion of the invulnerable warrior who faces life and danger alone is long
ingrained in our culture. Psychologists use words like undifferentiated, codependent, symbiotic
or even fused to describe people who seem unable to be self –sufficient or asset themselves with
others.
Dr. John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, talked about “effective dependency”
and how being able from the cradle to the grave to turn to others for emotional support. Such he
states is a sign and source of strength. Research documenting adult attachment shows that adults
need emotional closeness from their lover, want assurance that their lover would respond when
they were upset, felt distressed when they felt separate and distant from their loved one and felt
more confident about exploring the world when they knew that their lover had their back. When
they felt secure with their lover, they could reach out and connect easily; when they felt insecure,
they either became anxious, angry and controlling or they avoided contact altogether and stayed
distant. This is just what past researchers had found with mothers and children. Hundreds of
studies now validate Bowlby’s predictions about adult attachment. The overall conclusion: a
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sense of secure connection between romantic partners is key in positive loving relationships and
a huge source of strength for individuals in those relationship

PROCESS:
Lead a guided discussion on this excerpt. What do you notice, think, feel, and want? Pulling from
Talking and Listening Together (Miller, Miller, Nunnally, & Wackman, 1991).

DEEPER DIVE:
Activity: Play out your family dynamic
1. Use one sugar packet to represent each person in your family
2. Starting with your Mother/Father/primary caregiver describe the dynamic of the adults
in peaceful times and then describe their behavior when they became stressed (for
example, place the dad and mom sugar packet right next to or overlapping if they had a
really strong and safe connection; if Dad was distant but mom was always trying to
reach out in connection, place the dad packet leaning away and the mom packet
leaning toward him)
3. Then add your siblings and explain the dynamic they had with your primary caregiver,
with each other and with you. (describe each dynamic by placing a sugar packet in
relation to who was close to whom and how that dynamic may change when in stress)

Further instruction:
1. With your fiancé take 5 pink and 5 blue sugar packets to use
2. Each person will have 7 minutes to describe their family dynamic- the timer will go
off and then please switch

PROCESS:
Lead a group discussion:
In a word how would you describe your family of origin?
Did you notice any similarities between you and your fiancé’s family dynamic?
Do you feel like your family supported secure connections?
What type of family dynamics would you like to keep, and which ones would you like to
leave behind as you create a new family?

TAKE AWAYS

1. What did you learn about yourself?

2. What did you learn about relationships?

3. As a result, I want to…

4. Have them complete the Interpersonal Communication Skills Inventory

Homework: Complete the following personality test and email your results to
jordan.mallery@gmail.com:

Enneagram: http://pstypes.blogspot.com/2009/11/pstypes-enneagram-test.html
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WEEK 2

Focus: Who are you?

Develop an awareness of self in context of close relationships

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to…

- Confirm key aspects of their personality
- Identify ways in which their personality complements their fiancé
- Point out personality conflicts within their romantic relationship

REVIEW last week’s Psychoeducation about the importance of connection

GROUP CONNECTION:
- Have everyone get into groups based on the number they think they are.
- What was you experience taking the Enneagram?
- Have one person read a brief description of the number from
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-descriptions/

Self-awareness is an important step in any healthy relationship.

DEEPER DIVE:
- Teach how the enneagram provides insight into our shadow self/blind spot
- Hand out the enneagram one page
- Have each person answer the questions on the Enneagram handout

PROCESS:
- Have couples spend some time answering the following question
- In what ways is my enneagram a strength/weakness in our relationship

TAKE AWAYS

1. What did you learn about yourself?

2. What did you learn about relationships?

3. As a result, I want to…

Homework: Complete the Attachment Style Mini Questionnaire. Fill it out once for your
Mother, once for your Father and once for your fiancé and email your results to
jordan.mallery@gmail.com
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Type Desire Fear Sin Stress Growth Virtue
1. Reformer Perfection Brokenness Anger 4 7 Serenity
2. Helper Love Unwanted Pride 8 4 Humility
3. Achiever Significance Worthlessness Deceit 9 6 Integrity
4. Romantic Identity Fragmentation Envy 2 1 Equanimity
5. Observer Competence Helplessness Greed 7 8 Generosity
6. Loyalist Security Abandonment Fear 3 9 Courage
7. Adventurer Satisfaction Deprivation Gluttony 1 5 Sobriety
8. Asserter Power Harm Lust 5 2 Innocence
9. Peacemaker Peace Separation Slothfulness 6 3 Engagement

The Enneagram

Because we grow up in this critical world, we

learn to defend ourselves from people who are
trying to be smarter, more capable, and yes,
more powerful, than us. In response, we use
particular ways to push back against those who
seem to be lowering our energy and self-
esteem. Gradually our defensive habits form a
pattern through which we seek to maintain our
self-esteem and a sense that we are capable in
the world. This repeated pattern becomes a life
script that keeps us going in circles instead of
embracing our unfolding spiritual destiny.

The enneagram shows us 9 ways that we are

deceived by our ego into trusting our own
efforts. This tool is not only equipped to
expose our blind spots, but also able to provide
practical steps back to your true self and the
grace God provides.

When do I see my underlining desire come out in my life?

When do I see my fear hold me back?

In what ways am I lured back to my default sin?

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WEEK 3

Focus: What went wrong?

Develop an awareness of personal attachment style within the context of close relationships

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to…

- Articulate personal attachment style
- Gain insight into why conflicts occur in loving relationships
- Cultivate relational responsiveness

GROUP CONNECTION:
- Ask everyone in the group to use one emotion word to describe how they currently feel

PSYCHOEDUCATION PART II
Read excerpt from: http://www.aimcounselling.ca/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/Cliff-Notes-from-
The-Seven-Principles-of-Making-Marriage-Work.pdf

What do you think is the basic problem in your relationship and what is the solution to
solve it? What do you need to do? What does your partner need to do? What do you need to do
as a couple?
Couples have disconnected emotionally; they don’t feel emotionally safe with each other. Most
fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress partners are
asking each other

*Can I count on you, depend on you?

*Are you there for me?
*Will you respond to me when I need you?
*Do I matter to you?
*Am I valued and accepted by you?
*Do you need me, rely on me?

The anger, the criticism, the demands are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their
hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.
Attachment theory teaches us that our loved one is our shelter in life. When a person is
emotionally unavailable or unresponsive, we face being out in the cold, alone and helpless. We
are assailed by emotions – anger, sadness, hurt and above all, fear. Losing connection with our
loved one jeopardizes our sense of security. The alarm goes off in the brain’s amygdala or fear
center which triggers an automatic response. We don’t think. We feel. We act.
In secure attachments, arguments or disagreements with our partners are but a momentary
blip. For those of us with weaker or fraying bonds, the fear can be overwhelming. We are
swamped by “primal panic” and we generally do one of two things: We either becoming
demanding and clinging in effort to draw comfort and reassurance from our partner or we
withdraw and detach in an attempt to soothe and protect ourselves. These strategies for dealing
with the fear of losing connection are unconscious and they work, at least in the beginning. But
as distressed partners resort to them more and more, they set up vicious spirals of insecurity that
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only push the couple further and further apart. More and more interactions occur in which neither
partner feels safe, both become defensive and each is left assuming the very worst about each
other and their relationship.
If we love our partners, why do we not just hear each other’s calls for attention and
connection and respond with caring? Because much of the time we are not tuned in to our
partners. We are distracted or caught up in our own agendas. We do not know how to speak the
language of attachment. We do not give clear messages about what we need or how much we
care. Some of us try to minimize our natural longings to be emotionally close and focus instead
on actions that give only limited expression to our need. Disguised and distorted messages keep
us from being exposed in all our naked longing, but they also make it harder for our lover to
respond. When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing
affection and emotional responsiveness. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence
of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later.
As lovers, we poise together delicately on a tightrope. When the winds of doubt and fear
begin blowing, if we panic and clutch at each other or abruptly turn away and head for cover, the
rope sways more and more and our balance becomes even more precarious. To stay on the rope,
we must shift with each other’s moves, respond to each other’s emotions. As we connect, we
balance each other. We are in emotional equilibrium.

PROCESS:
- Ask the large group share what they notice, think, feel, and want after listening to the
excerpt.
- lead a discussion on the results of the attachment style questionnaire and any connections
made with this week’s excerpt

DEEPER DIVE:
- Using the feelings/needs page, circle 2 feeling words (1 positive that you currently don’t have
and 1 negative that you don’t want to feel) and circle 3 needs that you want to satisfy over the
next few weeks.
- Have the couples discuss the words that they circled

TAKE AWAYS

4. What did you learn about yourself?

5. What did you learn about relationships?

6. As a result, I want to…

Homework: Read pages 65-97 of Hold Me Tight: Recognizing the Demon Dialogues: Complete
all play and practice portions and come ready to discuss next week.
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WEEK 4

Focus: How to come back

Develop a habit of repairing insecure attachments

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to…

- Recognize when someone is making a request for connection
- Identify the unhealthy patterns of connection
- Practice helpful reparative statements

REVIEW last week’s Psychoeducation about where things go wrong.

GROUP CONNECTION:
- Describe demon dialogues
- 1. Find the bad guy, 2. The Protest Polka, 3. Freeze and Flee
- Which one do you relate to the most?
- Can someone share one of the play and practices that you completed?

Recognizing our own tendency for demon dialogues will help us avoid bad connection habits

DEEPER DIVE:
- Teach about repair and hand out the Repair Questionnaire
- Have each person answer the questions

PROCESS:
- Have couples compare their results and discuss their perspective
- What does your score tell you about your relationship? Are there any other relationships
that you would score low on this questionnaire?

TAKE AWAYS

7. What did you learn about yourself?

8. What did you learn about relationships?

9. As a result, I want to…

Homework: Take home the Gottman Repair Checklist and practice using phrases there to help
deescalate an interpersonal conflict between you and your fiancé or a close relationship. Also
Read pages 40-61 in Hold Me Tight: The Key to a Lifetime of Love and complete all of the play
and practice activities.
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Repair Questionnaire
In relational terms, repair is less about fixing what is broken and more about getting back on
track. Dr. Gottman refers to repair attempts as “the secret weapon” of emotionally intelligent
couples, even though many of these couples aren’t aware that they are doing something so
powerful. Are you effectively utilizing repair attempts in your relationship?

Read each statement below and choose T for “true” or F for “false.”

During our attempts to resolve conflict:

1. We are good at taking breaks when we need them. T F

2. My partner usually accepts my apologies. T F

3. I can say that I am wrong. T F

4. I am pretty good at calming myself down. T F

5. We can maintain a sense of humor. T F

6. When my partner says we should talk to each other in a different way, it usually makes a lot of sense. T F

7. My attempts to repair our discussions when they get negative are usually effective. T F

8. We are pretty good listeners even when we have different positions on things. T F

9. If things get heated, we can usually pull out of it and change things. T F

10. My partner is good at soothing me when I get upset. T F

11. I feel confident that we can resolve most issues between us. T F

12. When I comment on how we could communicate better my spouse listens to me. T F

13. Even if things get hard at times I know we can get past our differences. T F

14. We can be affectionate even when we are disagreeing. T F

15. Teasing and humor usually work to get my partner over negativity. T F

16. We can start all over again and improve our discussion when we need to. T F

17. When emotions run hot, expressing how upset I feel makes a real difference. T F

18. We can discuss even big differences between us. T F

19. My partner expresses appreciation for nice things I do. T F

20. If I keep trying to communicate it will eventually work. T F

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Repair Scoring:

Give yourself one point for each “true” answer

6 or Above: This is an area of strength in your relationship. When conflict discussions are at risk
of getting out of hand, you are able to put on the brakes and effectively calm each other down.

Below 6: Your relationship could stand some improvement in this area. By learning how to
repair your interactions when negativity engulfs you, you can dramatically improve the
effectiveness of your problem solving and develop a more positive perspective of each other and
your relationship.
What separates stable, emotionally intelligent couples from others is not that their repair
attempts are necessarily more skillful or better thought out, but that their repair attempts get
through to their partner. Because repair attempts can be difficult to hear if your relationship is
engulfed in negativity, the best strategy is to make your attempts more formal and deliberate in
order to emphasize them.
From https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-repair-attempts-2/
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WEEK 5

Focus: How do we stay together for the log haul?

Develop consistent A.R.E. in close relationships

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to…

- Articulate A.R.E in context of their relationship
- Identify the personal strengths and weaknesses of A.R.E.
- Practice the elements of Availability, Responsiveness and Engagement

REVIEW Demon dialogues patterns

GROUP CONNECTION:
- Share a time in the past week when you noticed one of the demon dialogues in your own
relationship
- Share a time when you used one of the repair phrases
- What did you think, feel and want to do after reading this week’s chapter?

A.R.E lays the foundation for intimate connection between you and your fiancé

DEEPER DIVE:
- Review A.R.E and have the couples fill out the self-assessment
- Have each person answer the questions

PROCESS:
- Have couples compare their results and discuss their perspective
- What does your score tell you about your relationship? Are there any other relationships
that you would score higher on this questionnaire?

TAKE AWAYS

10. What did you learn about yourself?

11. What did you learn about relationships?

12. As a result, I want to…

Homework: Complete your final Interpersonal Communication Skills Assessment and complete
your Exit review assessment and email your results to Jordan.malery@gmail.com
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WEEK 6

Focus: Where to go from here?

Develop a long-term perspective for connection.

LEARNING OUTCOMES

Couples will be able to…

- Formulate interpersonal goals with fiancé
- Identify the stages of emotional process
- Move into emotional conflict equipped with tools bring comfort and relief

REVIEW the whole program so far

GROUP CONNECTION:
- What are some major take ways from this program?
- In what ways have you been able to apply these principles to your life?

Understanding emotional process and goal setting are skills that will assist with the long term
impact of these sessions.

DEEPER DIVE:
- Review the SMART goal worksheet and have each person come up with one or two fully
fleshed out goals
- Have each review the diagram of emotional processing and apply one example to the
diagram

PROCESS:
- Have the couples compare their goals in dyads
- In a large group lead a discussion to process goal setting and the implications of knowing
that emotions have a lifecycle

TAKE AWAYS

13. What did you learn about yourself?

14. What did you learn about relationships?

15. As a result, I want to…

Homework: If this was not already finished: Complete your final Interpersonal Communication
Skills Assessment and complete your Exit review assessment and email your results to
Jordan.malery@gmail.com
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References

Fulwiler, M. (2016, June 16). Weekend Homework Assignment: Repair Attempts. Retrieved

from https://www.gottman.com/blog/weekend-homework-assignment-repair-attempts-2/

Furrow, James L.; Johnson, Susan M.; Bradley, Brent A., eds. (2011). The emotionally focused

casebook: new directions in treating couples. New York: Brunner-Routledge.

Greenman, P. S., & Johnson, S. M. (2013). Process Research on Emotionally Focused Therapy (

EFT) for Couples: Linking Theory to Practice. Family Process, 52(1), 46–61. https://doi-

org.chilib.moody.edu/10.1111/famp.12015

Havaasi, N., Kaar, K. Z., & MohsenZadeh, F. (2018). Compare the efficacy of emotion focused

couple therapy and Gottman couple therapy method in marital burnout and changing

conflict resolution styles. Journal of Fundamentals of Mental Health, 20(1), 15–25.

Retrieved from

https://chilib.moody.edu/login?url=https://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&

db=a9h&AN=127765770&site=ehost-live&scope=site

Johnson, S. (2011). Hold me tight: Your guide to the most successful approach to building loving

relationships. London: Piatkus.

Miller, S. (1991). Talking and listening together. Interpersonal Communication Programs.

Motaharinasab, A., Zare Bahramabadi, M., & Ahmadi, K. (2016). The effect of emotionally

focused therapy on emotional expression styles among married women. International

Journal of Mental Health and Addiction, 14(4), 505–513. https://doi-

org.chilib.moody.edu/10.1007/s11469-015-9614-6
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Scott, S. B., Rhoades, G. K., Stanley, S. M., Allen, E. S., & Markman, H. J. (2013). Reasons for

divorce and recollections of premarital intervention: Implications for improving

relationship education. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 2(2), 131–

145. https://doi-org.chilib.moody.edu/10.1037/a0032025

Wiebe, S. A., & Johnson, S. M. (2016). A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused

Therapy for Couples. Family Process, 55(3), 390–407. https://doi-

org.chilib.moody.edu/10.1111/famp.12229

Williamson, H. C., Trail, T. E., Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Does premarital

education decrease or increase couples’ later help-seeking? Journal of Family

Psychology, 28(1), 112–117. https://doi-org.chilib.moody.edu/10.1037/a0034984