DEEP RELATIONSHIPS – THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

INTRO TO TOPIC:
 We just celebrated Valentine’s Day this week! (talk about the valentines day)
 Let’s talk about love…

SONGS: There are lots of songs that talk about love!

• Foreigner: I wanna know what love is
• Righteous Brothers: You’ve lost that loving feeling
• Diana Ross: You can’t hurry love, no you just have to wait
• Tina Turner: What’s love got to do, got to do with it?
KEY TEXT:
 “Jesus said to him, ’You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and
with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ’You
shall love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39).
 “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you
also love one another. By this all will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one
another.” (John 13:34-35).
1. We are all called to love God and love people – our highest calling.
2. We are to love people totally and unconditionally.
3. This is a demonstration that we are true disciples.
 Gandhi was shrewd enough to tell missionaries, “I like your Christ; I do not like
your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” When asked why he
did not embrace Christianity, Gandhi said it offered nothing he could not get
from his own religion, observing, “ (APATHEID – discrimination /in South Africa)
 Love is the most important word in the English language – and the most confusing.
 Both secular and religious thinkers agree that LOVE PLAYS a central role in life.
 We are told that “love is a many-splendored thing” and that “love makes the world go round.”
 Thousands of books, songs, magazines, and movies are peppered with the word “love.”
 The apostle Paul said that in the last scene of the human drama, only three characters will remain:
“faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
 Yet, love is a most confusing word.
 We use it in a thousand ways. We say, “I love hot dogs,” and in the next breath, “I love my mother.”
We speak of loving activities: swimming, skiing, golfing.
We love objects: food, cars and houses. We love animals. We love nature. We love people.
We may even love God.

QUESTION: HOW DO WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER? (You can say I love you... but... then what?)
 Why is loving others so important?
o Feeling loved is a Primary Emotional Need for human beings. (hierarchy of needs
Maslovs)
 1. Biological and physiological needs - air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep.
 2. Safety needs - protection from elements, security, order, law, stability, freedom from
fear.
  3. Love and belongingness needs - friendship, intimacy, trust, and acceptance,
receiving and giving affection and love. Affiliating, being part of a group (family,
friends, work).
 4. Esteem needs - which Maslow classified into two categories: (i) esteem for oneself
(dignity, achievement, mastery, independence) and (ii) the desire for reputation or
respect from others (e.g., status, prestige). Maslow indicated that the need for respect or
reputation is most important for children and adolescents and precedes real self-
esteem or dignity.
 5. Self-actualization needs - realizing personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking
personal growth and peak experiences. A desire “to become everything one is capable
of becoming”
 When your LOVE TANK IS FULL, you are emotionally satisfied. (gas tank)
 Gary Chapman in The Five Love Languages identifies five ways he believes love is spoken to others.
His conclusions come from more than twenty years in the counseling ministry.
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
 So often, people misunderstand one another and feel unloved by their spouses, parents, peers and
elders due to the fact that there is a breakdown of communication at the level love is expressed.

EXAMPLES OF THE LOVE LANGUAGES IN THE LIFE OF JESUS:

The five love languages are a real practical way for us to demonstrate the love of God to people.
Jesus showed us the way to do this in earthly ministry by modeling each of the five love languages for us.
1. Words of Affirmation
 Luke 24:50-51 Jesus blessed the disciples prior to His ascension.
And he led them out as far as to Bethany, and he lifted up his hands, and blessed them. And it came to pass, while he
blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven.
 Matthew 26:10–11 Jesus affirmed the woman who washes His feet.
When Jesus understood it, he said unto them, Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon
me. For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always.
 Ephesians 4:29 We are commanded to speak only words that will impart grace to people
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may
minister grace unto the hearers.
2. Quality Time
 Matthew 9:10 Jesus had dinner at Matthew’s house.
And it came to pass, as Jesus sat at meat in the house, behold, many publicans and sinners came and sat down with him
and his disciples
 Luke 19:5-6 Jesus stayed at Zacchaeus’ house.
And when Jesus came to the place, he looked up, and saw him, and said unto him, Zacchaeus, make haste, and come
down; for to day I must abide at thy house. And he made haste, and came down, and received him joyfully.
 Luke 24:36-46 Jesus spent time with the disciples after His resurrection.
3. Receiving Gifts
 Matthew 7:11 Jesus said God loves to give good gifts to His children
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in
heaven give good things to them that ask him?
  Matthew 15:35-37 Jesus fed the multitudes.
And he commanded the multitude to sit down on the ground. And he took the seven loaves and the fishes, and gave
thanks, and brake them, and gave to his disciples, and the disciples to the multitude. And they did all eat, and were filled:
and they took up of the broken meat that was left seven baskets full.
4. Acts of Service
 John 13:1-5 Jesus washed His disciple’s feet.
 Mathew 8:16 Jesus healed the multitudes.
When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits
with his word, and healed all that were sick:
 Matthew 20:28 Jesus said he came to serve people.
Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.
5. Physical Touch
 Matthew 8:3 Jesus touched the leper.
And Jesus put forth his hand, and touched him, saying, I will; be thou clean. And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
 Matthew 8:15 Jesus touched Peter’s mother in law and heals her.
And he touched her hand, and the fever left her: and she arose, and ministered unto them.
 Mark 10:16 Jesus took the children into His arms and put his hands on them
And he took them up in his arms, put his hands upon them, and blessed them.

UNDERSTANDING THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES:

1. Words of Affirmation
 The person whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation would really feel loved
when you express your appreciation for the things that person does or what that person
means to you.
• EXAMPLE – this is my love language. Thank you notes, e-mails,
o Prov. 18:21 - “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
• Affirmation…a positive declaration.
o But we have a tendency to focus on the negative.
• A word of affirmation means saying the assumed and unspoken about someone.
o When you appreciate someone, it is always good to tell them and give them reasons why.
o You shouldn’t assume that they already know your feelings about them, and even if they do, it is
so much better when you express it in words.
TO GOD - When we consider all that God has done for us, our praise should come automatically.

2. Quality Time
 To express love to a person whose primary love language is Quality Time, you would spend
time doing things with them.
 This could be going to a dinner, or doing some other things that that person enjoys.
• EXAMPLE - dates
o Hebrews 10:25 - “Let us not neglect our meeting together, but encourage one another.”
• “Love is spelled T-I-M-E.” This can hold its challenges in today’s busy society.
• Spending time together in a common pursuit to experience togetherness.
TO GOD - We need to spend quality time with God. Some of the ways in which we are to do this are through
Bible study and meditation, prayer, and personal worship time.
3. Receiving Gifts
 Someone whose love language is Receiving Gifts might feel loved when you get them some
flowers or something else they like – even giving of your time.
• EXAMPLE – anniversary gifts, special occasions or event without…
• Luke 6:38 – “If you give, you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full measure.”
• A gift is a tangible symbol of someone’s thoughts towards you.
 Thought is given when someone goes out of their way to find something especially for another
individual.
• Receiving a gift is not about the value but rather knowing they are loved.
TO GOD - Romans 12:1

4. Acts of Service
 Washing the car, doing the dishes, or mowing the lawn could be ways to express love to
someone whose primary love language is Acts of Service.
• Galatians 5:13 – “Through love serve one another.”
• Expressing your love by doing things for others.
• Thought, planning, time, effort, energy. We need to be on the alert for opportunities.
TO GOD - We serve Christ by serving others.

5. Physical Touch
 Holding hands, hugging, kissing, even give a few pats on the back – these are ways of
expressing love to someone whose love language is physical touch.
• Romans 16:16 – “Greet one another with a holy kiss.”
• HUGGING STATS: Hugging is an amazing medicine. It transfers energy, and gives the person hugged
an emotional boost.
 Someone somewhere said: one needs FOUR HUGS a day for SURVIVAL, EIGHT for maintenance,
and TWELVE FOR GROWTH.
• Physical affection stimulates oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel good.
 When oxytocin is flowing, Stress Is Reduced, Blood Pressure Goes Down, Mood Improves, And
Pain Is More Manageable.
• The importance of physical touch can be seen in the way the enemy has distorted it.
• This is one of the harder languages for someone to admit a need.

TO GOD - We need to show our love for God by loving the unlovable in the same way: by not being afraid or
repulsed by those less fortunate than ourselves.
KEYS TO DISCOVERING SOMEONE’S LOVE LANGUAGE:
• Watch their behavior, what makes them light up?
• What language do they most readily give to others? It may indicate their own needs.
• Ask them.

CLOSING CHALLENGE:
God has commanded us to love one another – let’s make a commitment to do that daily!
• Use all five different ways to communicate love to people.
o As with a marriage relationship, we need to keep our relationship with God strong and healthy.
o We do this by regularly and continually expressing our love for God through these five love languages.
o Some of these may be difficult, but with practice, we will become better at it and closer to God.
o No matter how well you may or may not have communicated love in the past, this is a new day – a
new beginning – to begin walking a life of love