Sei sulla pagina 1di 3

VOICES VIEWS

Department of Wit

How to
Pick a
Tattoo
BY BO B ODEN KI R K FRO M T HE
BO O K A LOA D OF H OOEY

FIRST, PAUSE! A tattoo, drawn in permanent ink,


will stay on your body forever, so you need to make
the RIGHT CHOICE. You need time to think about the
possibilities, contemplate what has meaning for you,
and consider how the image will age with you. With
this in mind, we have the three criteria you should
follow for tattoo hunting:

1. Do not be in a hurry.
BOB ODENKIRK 2. Do not be drunk.
is an actor, a writer, 3. Do not be drunk and in a hurry.
a director, and
a producer, best
known for his role These are simple directives, but if you cannot
as Saul Goodman in follow them, we understand. It’s very common for
AMC’s Breaking Bad these simple rules to be discarded in the face of the
and Better Call Saul. notion of getting a permanent tattoo permanently ➸

ILLUSTRATION BY NISHANT CHOKSI rd.com | 11•2016 | 17


D E PA R T M E N T O F W I T

drilled into your skin forever and ever. mothers—the only women who truly
So you’re set on it, are you? You loved them. Keep in mind, this was
are getting a tattoo, and you’re the early part of last century, so these
drunk, and you have to do it right were stay-at-home moms. Nowadays,
now? Fine. Glad I made that first list. Mom has to work to keep the family
Onward. in two cars and wireless devices
Step one: You need to make a list of (and a house), so we justifiably feel
things you love. These cannot be far less affection for her. Scratch
things you love today, Mom off the list.
or this week, or even The second one—
this year. These must be favorite movie. Here you
things you’ve loved for Do not get a might choose to
a long, long time. Below Celtic symbol get the name of the
is an example list. This movie tattooed or
is not necessarily the or a yin-yang. the likeness of a
list you would make, People won’t character—like the pop-
but it’s close enough so ular character of the
that you can use it,
even ask you Dude from The Big Leb-
since you’re drunk and about it. owski. This will always
in a hurry. remind you of a lazy
Example tattoo list: stoner guy who made
you smile whenever he was on the

P REVIOUS PAGE: I LLUSTRATI ON BY JOE M CKENDRY (ODENKI RK)


1. Mom (yours) screen. Here’s the rub: If you get this
2. Favorite movie tattoo, then people will always be
(e.g., The Big Lebowski) playing this movie for you—at every
3. Favorite rock band (e.g., Rush) birthday, at your bachelor or bache-
4. Favorite album/year (e.g., 2112) lorette party, on Mother’s Day or Fa-
5. Celtic/yin-yang design ther’s Day. No movie can withstand
6. Something you like, have this kind of scrutiny; believe me. I
always liked, and will always like know a guy with an image of Napo-
(e.g., a piece of chocolate cake) leon Dynamite on his forearm, and
he’s constantly asked if he “still loves
Let’s look closer at your list. that movie,” to which he always grins
First of all, “Mom,” the classic, and says, “Leave me alone.”
made popular by men who’d spent This same logic can be applied to
time in the trenches of World War I the next two tattoo possibilities on
and its sequel, World War II. These your list: your favorite rock band
men made wise choices, getting and/or album. Your taste will change
tattoos that reminded them of their as you grow older. You may even stop

18 | 11•2016 | rd.com
READER’S DIGEST

listening to music completely as you You’re not that drunk, are you?
turn fifty and become enamored of Finally, something you love,
talk radio and the rantings of your fa- always have loved, and always will
vorite pundit, or when your “favorite” love. A piece of chocolate cake. Is
band reunites for “one last tour” and this a legit tattoo? I’ve never seen it
you pay too much to see them and done, but here’s what I know: Every-
they just sound like garbage, and Neil one likes chocolate, and everyone
Peart looks like the angry neighbor likes cake. People like chocolate cake
who called the cops on you when you even if they’ve just finished eating a
were a teenager. I promise you will get piece of chocolate cake. Children
sick of your favorite music, no matter like it, alienated teenagers like it, and
how much you like it. However, you old people love it. Wherever you are,
can always get a tattoo of “Weird Al” people will see your tattoo and im-
Yankovic, as he’s a “perennial”— mediately feel connected to you!
and thanks to his ironic dimension, Meanwhile, every time you look
he remains relevant forever. in the mirror and see it, you will ask
Do not get a Celtic symbol or yourself, “Why did I get this? Oh,
a yin-yang design. Either will just right—I LOVE chocolate cake! I should
become wallpaper. People won’t get a piece right now! Thanks, tattoo!”
even ask you about it. What good So it’s settled, then. You are
is a tattoo if it evokes nothing getting a tattoo of either “Weird Al”
from people around you? It has Yankovic or the words A PIECE OF
to be a statement of some kind. CHOCOLATE CAKE.

EXCERPTED FROM A LOAD OF HOOEY BY BOB ODENKIRK, COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY BOB ODENKIRK, MCSWEENEYS.NET.

FITTING IN

My fitness goal: I would like to stop looking like I’m


wearing a bulletproof vest all the time.
PATTON OSWALT

Just walked up a flight of stairs, and my Fitbit e-mailed


me to report itself stolen.
@THECATWHISPRER (MARK)

My favorite thing to do at the gym is leave.


@LISAGOODWIN1

NOTE: Ads were removed from this edition. Please continue to page 24.

Potrebbero piacerti anche