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Department of Wit
How to
Pick a
Tattoo
BY BO B ODEN KI R K FRO M T HE
BO O K A LOA D OF H OOEY
1. Do not be in a hurry.
BOB ODENKIRK 2. Do not be drunk.
is an actor, a writer, 3. Do not be drunk and in a hurry.
a director, and
a producer, best
known for his role These are simple directives, but if you cannot
as Saul Goodman in follow them, we understand. It’s very common for
AMC’s Breaking Bad these simple rules to be discarded in the face of the
and Better Call Saul. notion of getting a permanent tattoo permanently ➸
drilled into your skin forever and ever. mothers—the only women who truly
So you’re set on it, are you? You loved them. Keep in mind, this was
are getting a tattoo, and you’re the early part of last century, so these
drunk, and you have to do it right were stay-at-home moms. Nowadays,
now? Fine. Glad I made that first list. Mom has to work to keep the family
Onward. in two cars and wireless devices
Step one: You need to make a list of (and a house), so we justifiably feel
things you love. These cannot be far less affection for her. Scratch
things you love today, Mom off the list.
or this week, or even The second one—
this year. These must be favorite movie. Here you
things you’ve loved for Do not get a might choose to
a long, long time. Below Celtic symbol get the name of the
is an example list. This movie tattooed or
is not necessarily the or a yin-yang. the likeness of a
list you would make, People won’t character—like the pop-
but it’s close enough so ular character of the
that you can use it,
even ask you Dude from The Big Leb-
since you’re drunk and about it. owski. This will always
in a hurry. remind you of a lazy
Example tattoo list: stoner guy who made
you smile whenever he was on the
18 | 11•2016 | rd.com
READER’S DIGEST
listening to music completely as you You’re not that drunk, are you?
turn fifty and become enamored of Finally, something you love,
talk radio and the rantings of your fa- always have loved, and always will
vorite pundit, or when your “favorite” love. A piece of chocolate cake. Is
band reunites for “one last tour” and this a legit tattoo? I’ve never seen it
you pay too much to see them and done, but here’s what I know: Every-
they just sound like garbage, and Neil one likes chocolate, and everyone
Peart looks like the angry neighbor likes cake. People like chocolate cake
who called the cops on you when you even if they’ve just finished eating a
were a teenager. I promise you will get piece of chocolate cake. Children
sick of your favorite music, no matter like it, alienated teenagers like it, and
how much you like it. However, you old people love it. Wherever you are,
can always get a tattoo of “Weird Al” people will see your tattoo and im-
Yankovic, as he’s a “perennial”— mediately feel connected to you!
and thanks to his ironic dimension, Meanwhile, every time you look
he remains relevant forever. in the mirror and see it, you will ask
Do not get a Celtic symbol or yourself, “Why did I get this? Oh,
a yin-yang design. Either will just right—I LOVE chocolate cake! I should
become wallpaper. People won’t get a piece right now! Thanks, tattoo!”
even ask you about it. What good So it’s settled, then. You are
is a tattoo if it evokes nothing getting a tattoo of either “Weird Al”
from people around you? It has Yankovic or the words A PIECE OF
to be a statement of some kind. CHOCOLATE CAKE.
EXCERPTED FROM A LOAD OF HOOEY BY BOB ODENKIRK, COPYRIGHT © 2014 BY BOB ODENKIRK, MCSWEENEYS.NET.
FITTING IN
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