TEEN DATING VIOLENCE

Gender inequality:
There is a series of attitudes, behaviours and roles that boys and girls are
pressured to adopt (and enact) in the process of becoming men and women in our society.
Some of these are of course learned, and correspond to established stereotypes we
conform to as we become adults. As we will see in the rest of the unit, some of these
stereotypes are also at the root of violence against women.
Learning gender roles
• What does it mean to act ‘like a man’?
• What words or expectations come to mind? (e.g. men don’t cry; men are tough;
etc).
• What does it mean to act ‘like a woman’? What words or expectations do you think
of? (e.g. girls are polite; girls are neat and submissive; etc).
• Where do we learn these gender roles?
• Where else in society do we find these messages?
• What are some situations where you may be pressured to ‘act like a man’ or ‘be a
lady’?
• How might these stereotypes lead to violence?

Reading and comprehension

Global gender inequality Gender inequality starts early and keeps women at a
disadvantage throughout their lives. In some countries, infant girls are less likely to survive
than infant boys because their parents favour the boys and neglect the girls – even though
biologically, infant girls should survive in greater numbers.
Girls are more likely to drop out of school and to receive less education than boys
because of discrimination, education expenses, and household duties.
In 1995, governments around the world signed the Beijing Platform For Action,
promising to take specific action to prevent discrimination against women. Yet today, more
than 40 countries have laws which discriminate against women and treat them as second-
class citizens. In many countries, women are subjected to violence, which the government
does nothing to stop because their laws approve practices like ’honour’ killings, (where a
woman is killed by a family member if she does something which is thought to bring shame
on the family), marital rape and wife beating.
In several countries laws make it more difficult for a woman to be independent
because they restrict women’s property, employment and citizenship rights.
- Out of 1.3 billion people in the world living in absolute poverty, over 70 per cent are
women. - At the present rate of progress, it will take 450 years before women reach
equality with men as senior managers.
- Women hold less than 5 per cent of the top positions in international organisations
like the United Nations and the European Union.
- Of the 150 million children in the world aged 6
-11 who do not attend school, over 90 million are girls. Of 876 million illiterate people
over 15 years in the world, two-thirds are women.
- Worldwide, women’s wages are 30-40 per cent lower than those of men doing
comparable work.
 - Average hourly earnings for women working full-time are 18% lower than for men
working full-time in the UK, and for women working part-time, hourly earnings are 40%
lower.
- In 2005 there were 42,832 MPs in the world. 15.7 per cent are women. Only
around 6 per cent of government ministers worldwide are women.
- 500,000 women die each year from causes related to pregnancy and childbirth. -
In the 15-40 age range, 75 per cent more women die than men.
- Some 201 million women, most of them in developing countries, still have no
access to contraceptive services. Meeting their needs would prevent an estimated 23
million. - unplanned births, and 1.4 million infant deaths.

In small groups, read the information sheet Global Gender Inequality and indentify
which factors are a cause of gender inequality, which are a consequence of gender
inequality and which are both a cause and a consequence. Complete the table.

The violence Cycle

The Cycle of Violence includes 3 stages:

 The Tension Building Stage
 The Violent Episode
 The Absence of Violence Stage

Domestic violence increases in frequency and severity. It is never an isolated incident or a

one-time occurrence. Domestic violence usually follows a cycle that repeats itself
continually. This cycle consists of the following three stages.
Tension or Build Up (Phase 1)
Increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. This phase may last a week, months, or
years. However, it usually becomes more frequent as the cycle is repeated. It typically
involves an increase in verbal and minor physical abuse. Sometimes this is enough to
frighten the victim into submission. The victim knows what will happen if he/she does not
comply. At this point the victim may be amenable to sources of help.
Battering Incident (Phase 2)
Battering-hitting, slapping, kicking, choking, use of objects or weapons. Sexual abuse.
Verbal threats and abuse. During this phase the batterer loses the desire or ability to
control his/her anger and violence. The batterer learns that this type of action helps to
"relieve stress" and "change behavior." Just following this episode the batterer and the
partner are most likely to seek help. The partner is hurt and scared, and the batterer is
feeling ashamed, guilty and humiliated.
Calm or Honeymoon Stage (Phase 3)
This stage may decrease over time. The batterer may deny violence; say he/she was
drunk, say sorry and promise that it will never happen again. The victim is least amenable
to help at this point. However, the batterer may be most open to help at the start of this
phase because typically, he/she is remorseful and wishes to please (keep) the partner. At
the peak of this stage both parties may deny or distort what has occurred.
Then, Phase 1 begins again... The truth is that change is unlikely unless you get help. The
victims want to believe the abuser when they promise it will never happen again, but in
most cases it does. It not only recurs, but escalates each time. Studies indicate that most
abusers who seek professional help do so only after their partners have left. Otherwise,
they have no incentive to change.

Abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

This represents a six stage cycle…

1. Abuse — The abuser lashes out
with aggressive or violent behavior.
The abuse is a power play designed
to show the victim "who is boss."
2. Guilt — After the abusive episode,
the abuser feels guilt, but not over
what he's done to the victim. The
guilt is over the possibility of being
caught and facing consequences.
3. Rationalization or excuses — The
abuser rationalizes what he's done.
He may come up with a string of
excuses or blame the victim for his
own abusive behavior—anything to
shift responsibility from himself.

This represents a six stage cycle…

4. "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control

and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he
may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that
the abuser has really changed this time.
5. Fantasy and planning — The abuser begins to fantasize about abusing his
victim again, spending a lot of time thinking about what she's done wrong and how
he'll make her pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into
reality.
6. Set-up — The abuser sets up the victim and puts his plan in motion, creating
a situation where he can justify abusing her.

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says,
"I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then
rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He
tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts
contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on
past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get
some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do
the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely
justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just
set her up.

What is dating violence?

Dating Violence is the use of physical, sexual, emotional, verbal, and financial
abuse for the purpose of gaining and maintaining control and power over another in an
intimate or romantic relationship. While both males and females can be victims and
perpetrators of dating violence, the greatest majority of reported victims are female and the
greatest majority of recorded perpetrators are male.
Read the following scenarios, and explain why they are demonstrations of dating
violence:
You are going out with someone who.…
1. Is jealous and possessive toward you, will not let you have friends, checks up on you,
and will not accept breaking up.
2. Tries to control you by being very bossy, giving orders, making all the decisions, and not
taking your opinion seriously.
3. Scares you. You worry about reactions to things you say or do or have been threatened.
Your partner uses or owns weapons.
4. Is violent. Your partner has a history of fighting, loses temper quickly, and brags about
mistreating others.
5. Blames you for any mistreatment, saying you provoked it.
6. Believes one partner should be in control and powerful, and the other partner should be
passive and submissive.
Questions
1. What does violence look like?
• Address physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal abuse.
2. What kind of violence do you see on TV or in ads?
• Dating? Gun? Peer on peer? Look for specific examples.
• Ask students to name some favorite movies and think about violence in them.
3. What are the types of violence you know? And what are their characteristics?
How many of you think your friends or classmates are influenced by what they see on TV?
What about couples we see on TV? Who can name a famous couple?
 Sexual Abuse:
Rape
Leaving unwanted marks or hickies Pressuring someone to go further sexually -
examples of this that are often overlooked are: “If you love me you would do this” and “I
know you did this before so you have to do this with me”
Ultimately, it doesn’t matter how many times you’ve done something, maybe you’ve
kissed or had sex many times before – it doesn’t matter. The moment you decide “I don’t
want to this with you right now” for whatever reason you have the right to say ‘no’.”
Someone who loves and respects you will respect your choices and boundaries. If they get
upset and use their anger against you, that’s an unhealthy situation.
Rape is defined as forced sexual intercourse. The force doesn’t have to be physical.
It includes situations where a victim is drunk or drugged and is unable to consent. Also,
forcing someone to do something sexually is sexual abuse, even if the individuals have
done that same sexual act in the past.

Verbal Abuse

Verbal and emotional abuse happens a lot but we may not pay as much attention to
it or think it’s as bad as physical abuse.

How do you feel about the following acts?:

• Controlling behavior or setting rules for a partner Telling a partner what they can or
cannot wear
• Deciding who your partner can hang out with or isolating them from friends and
family T
• hreatening to hurt your partner or yourself - example: “I love you so much if you
leave me I’ll kill myself”
• Disclosing someone’s sexual orientation without their permission - “outing” them

All of these behaviors are designed to control someone, isolate them and lower their
self-esteem. Even if the person saying or doing them is joking, they are not okay and you
have the right to have your feelings taken seriously.

How many of you think jealousy was a sign of love?

Think about the emotions you feel when you get jealous:

These emotions have nothing to do with how we feel about our partner or how much
we care about them. Jealousy is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves. It’s
completely natural to feel jealous from time to time, but it’s important that it’s resolved with
healthy communication and not used to hurt or control your partner.
 • What do you think are some reasons why, people find it difficult to leave
an abusive relationship?

Ending an abusive relationship is not like ending a healthy one. Your abusive
partner may not accept the break up or respect your boundaries. They may try to control
you through guilt trips, threats or insults. Just know that as long as YOU are ok with the
decision, it’s ok if your partner is not. If you're thinking of ending an abusive relationship
What are some tips you should consider?:
• If you don’t feel safe, don’t break up in person. It may seem cruel to break up
over the phone or by email but it may be the safest way.
• If you break up in person, do it in a public place. Have friends or your parents
wait nearby. Try to take a cell phone with you. Don’t try to explain your
reasons for ending the relationship more than once. There is nothing you can
say that will make your ex happy.
• Let your friends and parents know you are ending your relationship,
especially if you think your ex will come to your house or confront you when
you're alone.
 • If your ex does come to your house when you’re alone, don’t go to the door.
Trust yourself. If you feel afraid, you probably have a good reason

There are warning signs that an intimate relationship may become abusive. Not all signs
appear in every abusive or potentially abusive relationship, and sometimes there are no
signs. The existence of one or several of these behaviors does not necessarily mean that
a relationship is abusive, but it may signal that the relationship is not healthy. Abusive
behaviors can occur in all spheres of a young person’s life: school, work, home,
community and online

Common warning signs include:

• Extreme jealousy
• Possessiveness
• Frequent put-downs in person or online
• Making fun of the other person in front of friends or online
• Telling the other person what to do
• Explosive temper
• Verbal threats in person or through email or text message
• Preventing the other person from doing what they want to do
• Severe mood swings
• Making false accusations about the other person and/or people the
person spends time with face to face and online
• History of violence
• Isolating the other person from family and friends, both in real life
and online
• Encouraging the other person to block friends and family from friend
lists online
• Seeking fnancial control over the other person
• Questioning the other person about what they are doing, who they are
with, what they are wearing, etc.
• Calling, emailing, or texting the other person every few minutes or at un
reasonable hours to check up on their whereabouts and becoming angry
if they do not immediately respond
• Checking the other person’s cell phone or computer to see who they
have been communicating with (missed calls, emails, voicemail and
text messages)
• Constantly monitoring the other person through any other means
• Deleting any of the person’s friends, photos or messages on social
networks
• Altering online profles without consent
• Using passwords without permission
• Pressuring the other person to send nude photos

Read the following paragraphs and decide what types of violence

you can see, and what are the expressions of violence portraited.
• Sharon and Carl have been dating on and off since 8th grade. This Friday
they go to a school dance. Carl spends most of the evening hanging out with
a group of his male friends. While Sharon is talking with her female friends,
her lab partner, Gary, asks her to dance. Sharon and Gary dance to a fast
song and then Sharon goes to get a pop. Carl joins her at a table. He orders
her to put on her sweater saying that her blouse is too tight. Sharon obeys.
Carl questions whether she wore the blouse for Gary. Sharon tells him to
stop being a jerk and that they’ve been through this before. She gets up to
leave and Carl grabs her arm. Sharon breaks free and leaves the dance.
Moments later Carl is running behind her, begging her forgiveness and
saying he didn’t mean what he’d said, but that he’d seen how Gary stared at
her. Carl promises it won’t happen again. As they walk on, Carl says, “If you
didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t get like that.” (Example taken from the
White Ribbon Campaign)
• Michael and Suzanne have been dating for three weeks. They really enjoy
spending time together. On the weekend they go to a party at a friend’s
house. At the end of the night, Michael’s friend, Jim, offers to drive them
home. Suzanne knows that Jim is reckless behind the wheel, and tells
Michael that she doesn’t want to go just yet. Then Suzanne tries to speak
with Michael privately, but he puts her off. After a few minutes, Michael
returns to Suzanne and asks her what’s going on. After taking a deep breath,
Suzanne explains how she feels. She tells him that Jim’s driving habits make
her uncomfortable and she doesn’t want to be in the car with him. She does,
however, want to go home. Michael starts making fun of Suzanne, telling her
that she’s a baby if she’s scared to drive home with Jim. Michael tells
Suzanne that he can’t believe she would ruin such a fun activity with a tiny
problem like this. Michael informs Suzanne that he won’t help her and she’ll
have to find her own ride home.
• Your best friend has been spending all of her time with her new boyfriend,
who has isolated her from all her old friends. You have noticed that she
seems to have lost her self-confidence. You decide to talk to her about it.
• Your male friend’s girlfriend scratches and throws objects at him when she
gets angry. He states that it is not violence because he could fight back.
What can you say to help him discuss the violence in this relationship?
• Stephanie is really excited about trying out for the lead part in the school
play. She can hardly wait to tell her boyfriend, Todd. However, Todd is not
excited about her trying out for the play because he is jealous of her time
commitment to the play and the people she will meet there. Todd tells her it’s
a stupid play and she can’t act anyway. He reminds her that there is a kissing
scene and he’s not too crazy about the idea of her kissing another guy. If she
chooses to be in the play, he tells her that their relationship is over. She
decides not to try out for the play.
• Amy and Paul are at a restaurant looking at a menu. Paul asks Amy what
she’s going to order and Amy says she’d like the jumbo platter. Paul gets
upset with Amy and tells her that she can’t afford to gain more weight. He
resorts to name calling. Amy begins to cry.
• Tony and Krista have been dating for a couple of weeks. One night when he
picks Her up at her house, she is wearing her favorite yellow sweater. Krista
asks him what he thinks about her sweater. Tony does not like the sweater.
Tony tells Krista that he hates yellow and the sweater makes her look cheap
(or sloppy). He tells her to change into something else. He further complains
that she never thinks about him, just about herself and what she likes. She
changes her sweater.
• One day Russ stops by Jennifer’s house unannounced. She tells him that
she didn’t know he was coming over and has arranged to play tennis with her
 friends. Russ loses control and threatens her with a tennis racquet. He then
breaks the racquet over his knees, but later apologizes.
• Pedro and Carla are seniors in high school. For the entire first trimester
Pedro has been bugging Carla to go on a date with him. The winter holidays
are almost here and Carla is tired of it. Carla has no interest in Pedro
whatsoever and has no intention of dating the guy. She has given him every
excuse in the book and has directly said “no”. He still hasn’t got the point.
Another day Carla was walking to her locker after class when Pedro pushed
her up against the wall and said, “What’s your problem, bitch? Are you too
good for me?” Some of Carla’s friends were in the hall at the time and she
felt really embarrassed.
• Bob and Carol have been steadily dating for awhile. Carol becomes
excessively possessive and jealous when Bob says hello to another girl or
helps a friend with her homework. Bob suggests they start seeing other
people. Carol tries to control Bob anyway she can. When she sees he’s
serious about terminating the relationship, she threatens to kill herself. Bob
apologizes and is remorseful. He decides to stay in the relationship. Carol
continues to be controlling.