IN THE EVENT OF MY DEATH

Written by

Brad McHargue

Copyright (c) 2018

08.28.2018

bmchargue@gmail.com
EXT. CHAPEL - MORNING

A crowd of people gather outside the entrance to a large

chapel. Old. Big. Likely upstate New York.

They're all wearing black suits or nice dresses. I think

someone's wearing a veil.

Yup. It's a funeral.

A bell tolls. A crow caws. A light drizzle starts to hit the

grass. The attendees all make their way inside.

INT. CHAPEL

The crowd shuffles in. We got a wake happening. The

attendance is not sparse. Clearly the deceased was loved.

Music plays over the PA. It's faint, but it's mainly there
to provide a little ambiance as mourners exchange stories of
the deceased.

Two MEN walk up to the casket. This is PHIL (20s) and MARK
(20s). Both wear black suits.

BODY POV

The two men appear over the body. This is DANIEL (20s). He's
dead. Poor guy.

PHIL
He looks...

MARK
Lumpy?

PHIL
I was going to say...

MARK
Lumpy?

Phil looks at Mark, a look of shock on his face that sort of

belies how right he thinks his friend is.

PHIL
Dude.

MARK
What? It's an accurate description.
He looks...
 2.

He looks back down at the body.

MARK (cont'd)
Lumpy.

PHIL
I was going to say he doesn't look
natural.

Another man shows up. This is BILL (20s).

BILL
Why does he look lumpy?

Phil rolls his eyes.

PHIL
You still in?

BILL
Definitely. How'd you guys pull this
off anyways?

MARK
I know the mortician.

BILL
And he was okay with this?

MARK
Dan paid him in advance.

Another man shows up. This is JARED (20s).

JARED
Why does he look so....

BILL
Lumpy?

END POV

An elderly woman walks up to the casket. The four men step

back to allow her to view the body. She peers down at the
body and wipes away a tear.

ELDERLY WOMAN
He was such a good man.

PHIL
How did you know Oeter?
 3.

ELDERLY WOMAN
He was my neighbor for a couple
years, you know, before he moved away
to go to school. He would always say
hello to me and help me with yard
work.

MARK
Daniel was certainly a good man. He
will be missed.

The elderly woman sniffles a little, dabs her eye, then

pulls out a piece of candy - a Dum Dum lollipop - and puts
it in Dan's breast pocket then walks away.

Mark turns his lips inward as he tries to stifle laughter.

Jared smacks him in the chest.

JARED
Dude.

MARK
Come on, it's a little funny.

Phil looks at his watch.

PHIL
It's time. You guys ready?

BILL / JARED
Ready.

Phil turns to Mark.

PHIL
Mark?

MARK
Ready as I'll ever be.

JARED
Wait.

They all look at Jared, who steps off to the side and grabs
a bottle of Whiskey and four shot glasses hidden behind the
casket.

He hands the shot glasses out to the other three.

JARED (cont'd)
One last toast.
 4.

Jared pours the shots. All the men grab theirs and hold them
in the air.

JARED (cont'd)
To Dan-o. May his memory never fade.

BILL
L'Chaim.

PHIL
Salud.

MARK
See ya in Hell, Dan.

They all slam back their shots, then nod. Phil departs while
the other three men remain by the casket.

Phil walks toward the front of the chapel.

PHIL
Ladies and gentleman, may I have your
attention please?

The crowd chatter quickly dwindles and everyone turns to

look at Phil.

PHIL (cont'd)
My name is Phil Marczyk, and I want
to thank you all for coming today.
Dan was one of my best friends. For
those that knew him well, you'd know
that he wouldn't want this to be a
day of mourning, but rather one of
celebration. And Dan, being the
jokester that he is, wanted his final
send off to be one that was not only
memorable, but perhaps provided a few
laughs as well. So, if you'll please
follow me outside, we can honor Dan's
last wishes.

The crowd gathers their coats and shuffles outside the large
front doors of the chapel.

Phil turns back and looks at the other three. He nods. They
all nod back in unison and place their hands on the handles
of the casket.
 5.

EXT. CHAPEL

The crowd filters out of the chapel and onto the front lawn.
They all look around, wondering what that ol' prankster Dan
has in store for them.

EXT. CHAPEL

Phil ushers the final few people out the front doors. As the
last person descends the front steps and onto the lawn, they
all look up at Phil, who is standing in the doorway.

PHIL
Alright, I need to take care of one
or two things inside, but Dan...

He pulls a note card out of his jacket pocket.

PHIL (cont'd)
...said to "look up at the sky and
keep looking for a special message
and final goodbye."

Phil brings the card down.

PHIL (cont'd)
(feigning confusion)
I have no idea what he means by that.

The crowd laughs, then turns to the sky.

INT. CHAPEL

Phil closes the door behind him, then locks it. He turns
back and faces his three friends.

He quickly runs over to the casket and takes the empty spot
in front of Jared on one side.

PHIL
One, two, three.

They all lift the casket in unison.

JARED
Lighter than I thought it would be.

They carry the casket to the back of the chapel and, upon
reaching a door, set the casket down. Bill opens the door.
 6.

INT. STAIRWELL

Bill pokes his head in and looks up the stairwell. A series

of twisting steps lead up to the top roof of the chapel.

BILL
It's narrow.

INT. CHAPEL

Bill brings his head back.

BILL
We'll never get the casket up there.

Phil turns to Mark.

PHIL
I thought you had this all planned.

MARK
I assumed it would fit!

JARED
Why would you assume that?

MARK
Hey, it was hard enough getting the
mortician on board.

A KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK on the front door. The sound echoes

throughout the chapel.

They all look at it in unison.

PHIL
Shit.

JARED
What do we do?

Mark looks around and spies a large tablecloth draped over

one of the tables. He runs over to it, moves off the
appetizers that called it home, and drags it over.

They all look at him, confused.

MARK
It's this or nothing.

Another KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

 7.

PHIL
Fuck. Okay.

They all reach into the casket and place their arms on
either side of Dan's lumpy body.

MARK
On three. One. Two. THREE!

They lift the body out and place it on the tablecloth. Each
quickly grabs a corner and, lo and behold, it worked.

Another KNOCK. The people outside are starting to shout.

They quickly enter the stairwell, body in tow.

INT. STAIRWELL

Grunting and huffing and puffing, they climb the stairwell

with Dan's body draped in the sheet like it's a hammock.

JARED
How is this harder than the casket?

Jared's hand suddenly slips and the body hits the steps.

PHIL
Be careful!

JARED
He's heavy!

Mark laughs, then drops his end of the sheet. Dan's feet go
thunk on the ground.

PHIL
Jesus.

MARK
He would find this funny. This is
straight up vaudevillian.

They all stop and reflect for a moment. Then, in unison:

PHIL / JARED / BILL

Yeah, okay, sure, probably.

EXT. CHAPEL ROOF

The door leading to the chapel roof flies open, and the four
men shuffle quickly onto it, carrying Dan's body.
 8.

They get a few feet out, then gingerly set the body on the
ground. Phil turns and runs to the door and slams it shut.

He looks around frantically until he spies a piece of wood.

He grabs it, then props it up against the door and under the
handle to serve as a cheap barricade.

PHIL
Just in case.

They nod, bend down, grab the body, and walk it over to the
edge of the chapel roof and the giant catapult they placed
up there overnight. Next to it is a box.

They look down at the crowd below them.

EXT. CHAPEL

The crowd mingles around, wondering what's going on. Two

people are pulling on the door, trying to enter.

Someone glances up and notices the three peering over the

edge.

They quickly pull back.

EXT. CHAPEL ROOF

They all look at each other.

BILL
They saw us.

MARK
You get the body ready.

Mark walks over to the catapult and begins to set it up,

poring over the individual components to ensure everything
is as it should be.

Meanwhile, Jared and Bill rip open Dan's jacket and shirt to
reveal his very lumpy torso, down the middle of which is a
large stitch extending from the top of his groin to his
chest. The seams look like they're about to burst. The
bottom of the stitch is loose.

Mark calls over from the catapult.

MARK (cont'd)
Bring him over. Hurry.
 9.

The three bend down and pick up the body. They carry it over
to the catapult and strap it in. However, we're obscured
from seeing what they're ACTUALLY doing.

JARED
How'd you get this up here?

MARK
Very carefully.

Phil walks back over to the ledge and peers over just in
time to see the crowd get the front doors open.

Phil turns back.

PHIL
They got in.

MARK
Almost got it.

PHIL
They're gonna be here soon!

MARK
Got it!

Mark steps back to reveal their magnum opus and eventual

cause for imprisonment:

Dan's lumpy, stitched-together body, strapped face down on

this makeshift catapult.

They marvel at it in awe.

BILL
Should we say something?

PHIL
Dan, I can't believe you convinced us
to do this.

JARED
Dan, you were the best friend I ever
had.

Someone starts pounding on the door to the chapel roof. They

look at in unison, then turn back to the catapult.

MARK
Dan, you're the reason I didn't kill
myself freshman year of college.
 10.

Everyone looks at Mark.

BILL
Jesus dude.

PHIL
What the fuck is wrong with you?

Mourners start POUNDING on the door leading out to the

chapel roof.

MARK
May flights of angels sing thee to
thy rest, my friend.

He's about to pull the handle, but stops.

MARK (cont'd)
Wait!

Mark grabs the box next to the catapult and opens it. He
reaches in and pulls out an iPod and mini Bluetooth speaker.

He fiddles with it for a second before a song starts to

blare out of the speakers. I don't know which song yet, but
it'll be perfect for what's going to come next.

MARK.
Ok.

He pulls the handle and Dan goes FLYING through the air just
as the Reverend of the chapel BREAKS through the door.

EXT. SKY

As Dan's body flies through the air, the rope tied to the
loose piece of stitch at the bottom of his torso uncoils
furiously.

It gets shorter and shorter until...

RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIP!

The stitch rips open, jerking the body back and literally
opening it up like a trapdoor. Or a flying squirrel.

All of the candy that made their good friend Dan just so
damned lumpy empties out of his torso and onto the crowd
below.
 11.

EXT. CHAPEL ROOF

The four men stand on the edge of the chapel roof. Tears
start to well up in Mark's eyes. Phil notices, and puts his
arm around his shoulder.

Jared and Bill do the same until they're all arm in arm,
watching as their friend's body spills candy on a group of
terrified, screaming onlookers.

FADE OUT