Rash of the Titans

Cast of Characters
Zeus: male
Poseidon: male

Hades: male
Apollo: male
Artemis: female

Dionysus: male
Hera: female
Athena: female

Eros: male
Abacus (voice): female
Demetria the Oracle: female
 ACT I
Scene 1
The scene starts in Blackout, with the occasional
thunder crashes and lightning flashes of a strong
storm. As the storm dies down, a beam of light
illuminates Far Stage Right, where Demetria the
Oracle stands. She is a mysterious figure, with a
notably observant and aloof nature.

DEMETRIA
The world is always changing. It has changed since its
birth, and even more rapidly than expected since
Prometheus gave to Man the gift of fire. And in every
era of Man’s existence, there have been heroes; mortals
in some stories, demigods in others. The Greeks, of an
age that you, in this time, call the Ancient World,
were especially known for their heroes. But this is not
a tale of heroes, my friends, for the Age of Heroes
ended long ago. But for those that aided the heroes,
those that have been called gods for millennia...the
struggle has only begun. The year is two thousand and
eleven, in what you call the Common Era. A high school
senior will embrace his destiny. Rather, his
predestination. For the choice is not his own.
Fade to Blackout at Far Right.

Scene 2
Lights up on Left, Center, and Right. We are in
the Council Chamber of Mount Olympus, the home of
the Gods. The Council Chamber consists of four
classic Greek columns, two of them pristine
(upstage and downstage Right) and two of a more
dilapidated nature (upstage and downstage Left),
as well as a colossal Grecian vase upstage Center.
The Council table sits further downstage Center,
and it is at this table that Ares, the God of War,
and Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom, sit playing a
game of chess. Ares moves his rook into a
king-threatening position.
ARES
Check.

ATHENA
So I see, Ares.
ARES
You are a wise opponent, Athena, but you are no master
of war.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 2.

ATHENA
Perhaps, Ares, but unlike you, I know when to be quiet.
ARES
How do you mean?

Athena moves her queen and takes out Ares’ king,

much to the latter god’s shock and disappointment.
ATHENA
Checkmate.

ARES
No fair.
ATHENA
A word to the not-so-wise, Ares. Never let your
opponent know when you have an advantage.
ARES
You’re sick.
ATHENA
No, I am smart.
(Ares grumbles to himself.)
What? No comeback?
Enter Hera from Stage Right with a yell of
frustration, followed by Poseidon. Ares and Athena
react respectively: Ares yelps and hides himself
behind Athena. Athena reaches out and takes Hera
by the shoulders.
HERA
(Forcibly removing Athena’s hands from
her person)
Go away, Athena.
ATHENA
I did not say a word.

POSEIDON
Hera, you can’t let your temper get the better of you.
HERA
(Turning on Poseidon)
Leave the words of wisdom to Athena, Poseidon. I don’t
want to hear it.
She storms off Stage Left as Hades enters Stage
Right and hovers near the wings.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 3.

ARES
What’s her problem?
HADES
Zeus had puppies.

ATHENA
Puppies?
HADES
Silly me. I’m a liar. That’s puppy, singular. One.

ARES
How can Zeus have a puppy?
ATHENA
He had another child, dimwit.

ARES
God of War. Excuse me...
ATHENA
When did this happen?

POSEIDON
(Sighs)
About eighteen years ago, apparently.
HADES
You’d think that Hera would keep a better eye on her
husband.
POSEIDON
You’d think.

ATHENA
No one knew?
HADES
Wrong. Zeus knew.

POSEIDON
I think she assumed that, Hades.
HADES
I’m just clarifying, Water Wiz. No need to start
boiling.
POSEIDON
You know, Hades, if you keep it up, maybe I won’t step
in the next time Zeus pulls out his lighting bolts on
you.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 4.

HADES
All right! Jeez! Calm the waters, pal.
ATHENA
Can we get back to the topic at hand, please? What is
Zeus going to do about this child?
HADES
(Bitterly)
Probably make the kid a hero among the mortals, knowing
Sparky’s style...

POSEIDON
Zeus is going to bring the boy here. Then, we will
decide his fate.
ARES
We, the Olympians?
POSEIDON
Yes.

HADES
Well, that rules me out.
ARES
What?

HADES
I’m not an Olympian.
ARES
But you’re a god.

ATHENA
The Dead cannot take care of themselves, Hades. It’s
hard, time-consuming work. Even though you can’t spend
a lot of time here, you’re still valued.
HADES
Right... Even so, you’d think I’d have some say here,
considering I am the oldest and the only god with an
actual job. (As he exits) The working elderly get no
respect...
POSEIDON
Damn it, Hades.
HADES
(Interrupting)
Already have, little bro.

He exits.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 5.

POSEIDON
Well, at least he didn’t call me "Squirt" this time.
HADES (V)
(From offstage)
Thanks for the reminder, Squirt!

Poseidon performs a flawless face-palm and follows

Hades offstage.
POSEIDON
(As he exits, frustrated)
I. Am getting. My trident.
Pause. Ares picks up a chess piece and waves it
under Athena’s nose. She follows it with her eyes.

ARES
Rematch?
Athena takes the chess piece.
ATHENA
Set them up.
Ares sets up some of the pieces.
ARES
Wait a minute. Set up your own pieces.

They sit as the finish setting up.

ATHENA
Your move.

As Ares moves, Hera enters and crosses to exit on

the other side.
HERA
(As she walks)
Zeus!!!

Her sudden presence and accompanying yell startle

Ares, who accidentally knocks over all of his
pieces.

ATHENA
(Mock sympathy)
Ares! You destroyed your own army!
Ares rises indignantly and storms off. Athena
chuckles, gathers up the game, and exits the other
side. Lights down.
 6.

Scene 3
Lights up on Far Right, where Zeus, the God of
Thunder, Dionysus, the God of Wine and Parties,
and Apollo, the God of the Sun and of the Arts,
sit in a tavern-like setting. Each holds a goblet
of wine in his hand.
DIONYSUS
(Finishing a joke)
...And the second guy says, "What do you think I am,
crazy? You’d turn off the light when I was halfway
across!"
All laugh, mostly Dionysus.
ZEUS
Jeez, kid, where did you get that one?
DIONYSUS
Did you like?
ZEUS
Oh yeah. I’ve heard a lot of jokes in my time, but
never one like that.
DIONYSUS
I’m glad. Any more wine, boys? Classic Greek,
fifteen-hundred B.C.E. Great year.

APOLLO
Thanks, but no. One’s enough for me.
DIONYSUS
Suit yourself, Apollo. You’re missing out. (To Zeus)
How about you, big boy? More?
ZEUS
Yes, please. But Dionysus.

DIONYSUS
What’s up?
ZEUS
Don’t call me "big boy." I’m your father. At least call
me Zeus.

DIONYSUS
All right, all right. Sorry, Pap.
(He pours some wine into Zeus’ goblet as
Hera enters in a huff.)
Say when.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 7.

HERA
When.
All turn to face her. Zeus rises.
DIONYSUS
Hera! My lovely cherry blossom, how are you?
HERA
Can it, Dionysus. Zeus, we need to talk.

Apollo gulps down the last of his wine and rises.

APOLLO
That’s my cue to go. Thanks, Dionysus.
DIONYSUS
(Crossing around to join him)
Wait up, Apollo. I want to show you something.
They exit while talking.
APOLLO
What is it?
DIONYSUS
Have you ever been to the Roger Williams Zoo? Great
place for a party.

They have exited. Hera turns on Zeus.

ZEUS
Look, Hera. If it’s about the kid -
HERA
(Cutting him off)
If it’s about the kid? It’s always about the kid!
Whatever kid you decide to have with some other woman!
ZEUS
It’s my nature, Hera. Like a hurricane. Strong and
assertive. I can’t help that.
HERA
Our whole damn marriage has been a hurricane! Sure, it
was interesting at first, but you left it a complete
disaster!
ZEUS
Hera, you’re letting your temper get the better of you.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 8.

HERA
My temper? Mr. "I’m in a bad mood so I’ll destroy a
country"?
ZEUS
That’s Ares, sweetheart.
HERA
Whatever! I think I have a right to be pissed off with
you!

ZEUS
The children I’ve fathered have always been strong and
intelligent! Don’t you want healthy, smart children?
HERA
Yes! Yes, I do! But I want them to be my own!

Enter Artemis, the Goddess of Nature.

ZEUS
Hey, Artemis.

ARTEMIS
Hey, Dad.
HERA
(In one breath)
Go away, you’re not my kid!

ARTEMIS
(Shocked)
I’m just passing through, Hera. No need to snap.
Jeez...

She exits.
ZEUS
(To Hera)
That was unnecessary.

HERA
Your constantly screwing anything that moves is
unnecessary.
ZEUS
Now you’re yelling just to yell.
HERA
What’s the matter with that? You never listen to me
anyway!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 9.

ZEUS
I...
He has no argument.
HERA
I thought so.
Enter Dionysus, alone.
DIONYSUS
Whoops. Bad time?
HERA
I was just leaving.
She exits.

ZEUS
(To Dionysus)
Where’s Apollo?
DIONYSUS
(As he crosses behind the bar)
Tutor.
ZEUS
Tutor?

DIONYSUS
Yeah. Someone named Abacus. Guess he’s really good at
math.
ZEUS
Math?

DIONYSUS
Eh, Apollo dreams of producing a Broadway smash hit.
Guess you need a bit of math for that. Money and all.

ZEUS
I suppose.
DIONYSUS
You seem depressed. Cup of wine?

ZEUS
No, thanks. I have to go sort out the kid deal before
Hera gives me crap again.
DIONYSUS
Ah. Have fun.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 10.

Wordlessly, Zeus exits. Dionysus clears the

goblets that Zeus and Apollo have left. Enter
Artemis.
ARTEMIS
Hi, Dionysus.
DIONYSUS
Artemis! Hey, kiddo. What’s going on?
Artemis does not respond immediately. Dionysus
pours her a goblet of wine, which she takes with a
small smile.
ARTEMIS
Thanks.

Dionysus leans against the bar, a goblet of his

own in hand.
DIONYSUS
I get the feeling that something is on your mind.

ARTEMIS
I walked in on Dad and Hera fighting.
DIONYSUS
Yes, the Dynamic Duo are at it again.

ARTEMIS
What happened this time?
DIONYSUS
You don’t know?
(Artemis shakes her head.)
Hera’s ticked off ’cause Zeus had another kid.
ARTEMIS
Oh. That.

DIONYSUS
So you did hear?
ARTEMIS
Bits and pieces.

DIONYSUS
Well, then. No use in repeating what you already know.
I’ll leave that to your mother.
(Artemis laughs.)
Hey, cheer up, Artemis. Things’ll work themselves out.
And if they don’t...well, Uncle Hades would know better
than little old me.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 11.

ARTEMIS
(Putting her hand on his)
Thanks, Dionysus.
DIONYSUS
Hey, I’m here for you, kiddo.
(Beat)
And speaking of kiddo, I wonder how Zeus’ new kid will
turn out.
ARTEMIS
Probably going to wind up a hero.
DIONYSUS
Seriously, right? I swear, Zeus needs to take a
parenthood class. Always pitting his kids against
monsters...or worse.

ARTEMIS
Worse?
DIONYSUS
Setting them up on dates. Remember what happened with
you and Pan?
ARTEMIS
(Recoiling in horror of the memory)
Oh, the Goat Man!

DIONYSUS
Exactly.
(Beat.)
Did I ever tell you about the time Zeus set me up with
a Gorgon?

Lights down.
Scene 4
Lights up on the Council Chamber, where Athena
sits at the table working on a laptop. Enter
Apollo, with a small hammer, chisel, and a small
stone tablet in his hands.
APOLLO
Athena, can I ask you a math question?

ATHENA
Of course, Apollo.
(Apollo’s gaze is fixated on the
computer.)
What’s wrong?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 12.

APOLLO
What is that thing?
ATHENA
This? It’s my new GodBook Pro from Golden Apple.

Apollo sits.
APOLLO
What does it do?

ATHENA
You can write documents on it, buy and sell stocks on
it, just about anything. And you don’t have to leave
the comfort of your chair.
(She shifts uncomfortably in her chair.)
Though now that I think of it, these seats are horrible
on my tailbone.
APOLLO
That’s awesome! I’ll definitely look into it.
ATHENA
Mhm. Anyway. Question.
APOLLO
Right! Um...what’s the square root of negative nine?
ATHENA
Three "i", where "i" is an imaginary value.
APOLLO
Damn it. Now I have to get a new tablet for the right
answer.

ATHENA
What did you have?
APOLLO
Well, Abacus told me it was negative three.

ATHENA
That’s absurd. Everyone knows that a negative number is
a positive when squared.
APOLLO
Well, excuse me, but I didn’t.
ATHENA
Who did you say told you?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 13.

APOLLO
Well, not told. More...guided me through the problem.
Tutored is the word.
ATHENA
My mistake, then. Who tutored you?
APOLLO
Abacus.
ATHENA
Abacus.
APOLLO
(Jovially)
Yup!

ATHENA
Well, Athena says Abacus is a tool.
Apollo rises, offended.

APOLLO
You have no right to say that, Athena! You don’t know
Abacus! Who are you to judge?
ATHENA
Relax, Apollo. I jest.

APOLLO
No. You can’t insult someone and cover it up so easily.
For your information, Abacus is very smart, and very
unique. We’re going to produce a Broadway hit together!
Just you watch!

With a flourish, Apollo turns his back and skips

offstage.
ATHENA
(Unsure of how to take Apollo’s
outburst)
...Right... Back to Solitaire.
Lights down. Exit Athena, but enter Apollo for the
next scene.
Scene 5

Lights up. Apollo is sitting alone at the other

end of the table, drawing with crayons. We cannot
see what. He seems somewhat distracted, and we see
a brimming wastebasket next to him. Enter Artemis
with a small rabbit in her hands.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 14.

APOLLO
(Mumbling to himself)
Little more green...
ARTEMIS
Why hello there, twin.
APOLLO
Hey, Artemi...
(Seeing the rabbit)
Holy crap, that is adorable.

ARTEMIS
(Stroking/scratching the rabbit)
Isn’t he? I saw a coyote chasing him while I was out
hunting.

APOLLO
What did you do?
ARTEMIS
I killed the coyote.

APOLLO
(Somewhat disgusted)
Ah.
Artemis laughs and crosses to him.

ARTEMIS
What’cha drawing?
(Sees it)
Wow! That is really good!

Apollo holds up his drawing for the audience to

see. It is a flawless reproduction of the Mona
Lisa.
APOLLO
You think so? I feel like I used too much shading.

ARTEMIS
Da Vinci would be proud.
Apollo puts the drawing down.

APOLLO
Thanks, Artemis.
ARTEMIS
Where did you learn to draw like that?

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 15.

APOLLO
(Happily)
Dad taught me!

ARTEMIS
(Disbelieving, somewhat dismayed)
Dad? As in Zeus, Dad?
APOLLO
Yeah.
ARTEMIS
...He never taught me to draw like that.
APOLLO
Well, maybe he will if you ask him.
ARTEMIS
Oh no, it’s fine. He would teach his favorite twin to
draw like that.

Apollo notices, as well as we, that Artemis has

begun to unconsciously strangle the rabbit.
APOLLO
Artemis, you’re killing the --

ARTEMIS
(Interrupting, unaware that he has
spoken)
And of course, he handmade your bow. And he’s gonna
fund your Broadway thing...

APOLLO
Arty...?
ARTEMIS
(Still strangling the rabbit)
Is it because he wanted me to be another boy? All of
his mortal kids were boys.
APOLLO
I need an adult!!!

ARTEMIS
Why am I never enough!?
She throws the rabbit offstage in anger.
ARES (V)
(From offstage)
Incoming projectile!!!
(There is a series of crashes and bangs.
Artemis has her head on the table. Enter

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 16.

Ares, holding the rabbit and playing

with it.)
Who’s a cute little rab--
(He notices Apollo looking at him.)
Ahem. Um... I caught someone’s rodent. Whose?

Apollo points to Artemis.

APOLLO
Hers. Tantrum.

ARES
I figured.
Artemis lifts her head.
ARTEMIS
Of course I’m the one with the bad temper!
(She slams her head back down)
Ow... Damn it...
ARES
I’ll calm her down.

He crosses to her and picks her up, holding her in

a fireman’s carry.
ARTEMIS
Ares! What the hell are you doing!?

ARES
(A la Schwarzenegger)
Get to the chariot!
He runs off, Artemis fussing. Apollo just stands
there, confused. Lights down. Position Eros on the
table for the next scene.
Scene 6
Lights up at Far Right. Dionysus and Poseidon are
enjoying a couple of drinks together.
DIONYSUS
Honestly, Uncle Poseidon, I have no idea where you get
your patience.

POSEIDON
Patience? Have you seen me when I get angry?
DIONYSUS
Honestly, I can’t say I have.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 17.

POSEIDON
Let’s just say the last time I got mad, my earthquake
destroyed a small island.

DIONYSUS
Oh.
(Pause)
But seriously. You are always keeping Uncle Hades from
ripping Dad’s limbs off, and keeping Dad from ripping
Uncle Hades’ throat out.
POSEIDON
Kid, I grew up with them. I should know how to deal
with them.

Enter Zeus, followed by Hades. They are arguing.

ZEUS
I don’t want to hear it, Hades!
POSEIDON
(Rising, glancing at his wrist)
Oh, look at my wrist. Time to finish off Antarctica.
HADES
Just because you’re the "King of the Gods" doesn’t mean
you can do whatever the hell you want, Zeus.

He exits. Dionysus crosses around the bar and

follows him.
DIONYSUS
(Exiting)
Hey, come on. Calm down.
Pause.
ZEUS
I don’t need a lesson in morality, Hades.
HADES
Zeus! For just once in your immortal life, listen to
your older brother, okay?

ZEUS
Why, Hades? All you’ve ever wanted to do was tear me
down!
HADES
Zeus, when we were drawing lots to see who would
control what all those years ago, you cheated; neither
of us can deny that. But that has been, and remains,
between us. Right now, I’m lecturing you on what’s
between you and your wife.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 18.

ZEUS
You sound like Dad.
HADES
Cronus? That old fart? I think not, kid.

ZEUS
Oh yes, you do. Lecturing me on this and that. I
neither want nor need to hear it.
HADES
First off, Zeus, we locked Dad and his pals in Tartarus
after he tried to eat us. Thousands of years ago. He
never lectured you before that, and you haven’t heard
from him since. I, on the other hand, watch over him
every day. Part of my job in the Underworld. So, of the
two of us, I have infinitely more knowledge as to what
"sounding like Dad" is.
ZEUS
Prove me wrong. What does he sound like if he doesn’t
lecture?

HADES
(Imitating Cronus, their rather brutish
father)
"When I get these chains off, I’m tearing your limbs
off, boy! You hear me? Off!"

ZEUS
(Curious)
Wait, really?
HADES
Yeah. Really.
ZEUS
Oh.
HADES
Secondly, you may not want to be lectured, but you
certainly need to be lectured. And since you don’t
listen to your wife, I have to be the one to do it.
Enter Poseidon and Dionysus.

ZEUS
You know, for a guy who had to force a kidnap victim to
marry him, only sees her during the winter months
because of a technicality, and still has no kids, you
seem to know a lot about marriage counseling. You
should start your own show.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 19.

Pause. Zeus has won. Hades scowls and turns away,

noticing Dionysus and Poseidon.

DIONYSUS
Whoops. Is this a bad time?
HADES
Oh no, not at all. If you’ll excuse me, I need to find
a producer for my new show...

DIONYSUS
I’ll deal with Uncle Hades.
He exits. Poseidon, now alone with Zeus, pulls up
a chair and sits casually.

ZEUS
Back so soon?
POSEIDON
Dionysus convinced me to bail you out again.

ZEUS
Ah.
POSEIDON
I hate to say it, Zeus, but Hades is right.

ZEUS
Traitor.
POSEIDON
Hear me out, Zeus. Please?

Zeus sighs.
ZEUS
Fine. Have at it.

POSEIDON
I know I’m not the best person to say this, since I’ve
had my share of affairs with other women as well.
ZEUS
Yeah, except you had really poor taste.
POSEIDON
Hey, Athena turned Medusa into a monster after the
fact, okay? Besides, she was killed thousands of years
ago. You can forget it now.
(Beat)
What I’m trying to get at is that I’ve had my share of
fights with Amphitrite.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 20.

ZEUS
Who?
POSEIDON
Amphitrite. Sea Nymph. My wife.

ZEUS
Ah.
POSEIDON
Whom, by the way, pal, you still haven’t met. Why don’t
you ever visit?
ZEUS
Busy.
POSEIDON
Oh. Right. Pissing Hera off.
ZEUS
Hey!
POSEIDON
Sorry. Had to get one joke in. Can’t let Hades have all
the fun.
ZEUS
Screw you.

POSEIDON
Sorry.
(Beat)
But I digress. We need to figure out how to clean
things up between you and Hera.

ZEUS
And you know how?
POSEIDON
No, not me. But someone does.

ZEUS
Someone?
POSEIDON
Come with me.

Lights down on Far Right as they cross to a dark

Council Chamber. Enter Apollo and Hera from the
other side.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 21.

APOLLO
Stay with me, Hera.
HERA
Why’s it dark in here?

ZEUS
Hera?
HERA
Zeus?

Pretty lights start to flash and music starts to

play, but soft enough for dialogue. We see Eros
standing on the table, complete with wings and
bow.

EROS
(Sings)
Eros!
(He jumps down from the table and
proceeds to speak naturally, though his
voice is still very musical)
It’s me! I’m back again! Poseidon! Things are going
swimmingly, I hope? Good, good. Zeus! Muscle man that
you are, how’s things? Apollo, the thespian! Hope to
see you acting soon! Hera, darling, you look amazing!
The music stops. As Eros reacts, enter Artemis.

ARTEMIS
I accidentally bumped the stereo. Sorry.
(She notices Apollo)
Oh. Bye, Apollo.

APOLLO
Artemis, come on. Will you stop?
EROS
Why stop? Life’s about going, yes? Yes. Oh, the places
you’ll go, eh? But you can only go if you start, and I
feel something starting here!
He shoots Artemis and Apollo with his bow. They
instantly fall in love with each other. Poseidon
does another facepalm, and Hera screams and runs
off.
POSEIDON
Oh, son of a bitch...

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 22.

APOLLO
(Singing)
Oh, sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found ye!
ARTEMIS
(Singing)
At last I know the reason of it all!
ZEUS
Eros, you asshole! Reverse it!

Apollo and Artemis run towards each other and

stage-kiss fervently.
EROS
But this is what love is all about!

POSEIDON
They’re twins, you moron! Brother and sister!
EROS
What?

POSEIDON
Reverse it!
EROS
But I --

ZEUS
Reverse it, or so help me, I will use my lightning
bolts.
EROS
Okay, okay! Fine!
He shoots them again, and they stop.
ARTEMIS
(Pulling away)
Ew! What the hell, Apollo!?
APOLLO
It wasn’t me!
ARTEMIS
Like hell it wasn’t!
APOLLO
I don’t know what happened!

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 23.

ARTEMIS
That was my first kiss, dumbass!
(Pause)
Why won’t any other boys kiss me!?

She storms off crying. Apollo sulks as he exits

the other way.
EROS
Can I try that again?

ZEUS AND POSEIDON

(Simultaneously)
You’re fired.
Lights down.

Scene 7
Lights up on a closed curtain. Standing in front
of it is Demetria.
DEMETRIA
And so it was that the conflicts among the Gods
worsened, and no one saw any end to the hostilities.
(Enter Hades)
It was not until quite some time later that they agreed
to put aside their --

Hades pushes her with a sharp shove, and she

tumbles offstage with a yelp.
HADES
Long story short: People were mad, and it took a while
for them to stop being mad. Well, not exactly. But
let’s move on.
He exits.
Scene 8

Open the curtain to reveal the Council Chamber.

All of the Olympians, including Hades and
excluding Eros, sit around it. There is also one
extra seat.
ZEUS
Are we ready?
HERA
No.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 24.

ZEUS
Okay... Well, the boy knows that we’re deciding his
fate. Tonight is either his last night of a normal
life, or it isn’t.

APOLLO
I really hope there isn’t any nervousness.
ATHENA
For us, or for the boy?

ARTEMIS
The perverted, number-one twin meant the boy.
APOLLO
(Dejected)
I’m sorry, Artemis, okay? I really wish you wouldn’t
hate me.
ARTEMIS
Go find Abacus. Maybe he’ll love you.
POSEIDON
Artemis, stop it. Apollo, you too. Fighting isn’t going
to get you anywhere.
ARES
Yes it will. Fighting is always productive.

ATHENA
Ares, you numb skull. Have you seen the United States?
Be silent.
HADES
Party pooper. No cake for you.
ZEUS
There won’t be a party unless we get the issue of the
boy sorted out. Here and now. Are we ready?
(There are murmurs of "sure" or "yes" or
"whatever," etc.)
Athena, will you pass out the documents?
ATHENA
Of course.

She rises and begins to hand everyone a sheet of

paper.
ZEUS
That’s why you’re my favorite.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 25.

ARTEMIS
What!? It’s because she’s smarter than me, isn’t it?
Now two people are cooler than me!!!
Athena sits.

ZEUS
(Completely disregarding Artemis)
As you can see, his name is Marcus. Brown hair, blue
eyes, asthmatic, and has a rare strain of ear fungus.

HERA
Zeus. I thought you had better taste.
ZEUS
She was French, okay?

Ares laughs.
POSEIDON
(Irritated)
Yeah. It’s funny. Okay. Let’s go.

HADES
What happened, Zeus? Did she surrender when she saw
your -?
DIONYSUS
(Interrupting)
Uncle Hades!
HADES
...I was going to say "rippling Olympian biceps."

DIONYSUS
Oh.
HADES
Mind out of the gutter, party boy.

ATHENA
Anyway. What are we going to do about him?
APOLLO
Who?

ARTEMIS
Marcus!
HERA
Kill him.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 26.

ZEUS
No.
ARES
Give him a country, and then invade his country.

HERA
Then kill him.
ZEUS
No.

ARTEMIS
I could use a hunting pal.
DIONYSUS
That’s not a bad idea, kiddo.

APOLLO
I want him to act for me when hunting season’s over.
ARTEMIS
Deal.

POSEIDON
Here’s a novel idea. How about we stop thinking about
ourselves and consider the kid?
Pause.

HERA
I say we kill him.
HADES
I second that.

ZEUS
Go to hell, Hades.
HADES
Too late, little man. You sent me there already.
ATHENA
I think Earth needs a hero.
POSEIDON
My thoughts exactly.
ARES
Earth is doomed. There’s no sense in the politics
anymore.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 27.

ARTEMIS
When have you ever cared about politics, Ares?
APOLLO
I know. What are you and who are you doing?
(Pause)
Damn it. I meant, "Who are you and what are you doing?"
ATHENA
We know.

ZEUS
I hate to say it, but I agree with Ares. Besides, the
mortals don’t believe in us anymore. What use are they
to us?

HADES
And vice-versa.
ZEUS
That’s just you.

DIONYSUS
How about we ask the kid?
Pause.
ARES
What?
DIONYSUS
Why don’t we let the kid choose his own path in life?
Pause. No one has ever considered this before.

ATHENA
Why not?
APOLLO
Let him write his own play.

ARTEMIS
Carve his own bow.
POSEIDON
I agree.

HERA
Just so long as we don’t have to go through this again.
DIONYSUS
(Agreeing)
I heard that.

(CONTINUED)
CONTINUED: 28.

ARES
But I like fighting.
ZEUS
True, but at what cost?

HERA
Are you actually considering this? You have changed.
POSEIDON
It’s decided, then. Marcus will choose his own destiny.

ZEUS
Not quite, Poseidon. We still have Hades’ opinion to
consider.
HADES
Me? I’m cool with whatever. He winds up with me in the
end anyway.
(He looks out at the audience.)
I win.
ABACUS (V)
(On a microphone at the back of the
theater)
And cut. Fantastic. Tomorrow’s opening night. See you
then.
Everyone relaxes and begins talking amongst
themselves. Only Apollo remains on stage.
APOLLO
And they thought we couldn’t produce it.

ABACUS (V)
Hey. We’re unique, right?
APOLLO
Indeed we are, Abacus.

Lights down.
ABACUS (V)
Indeed we are.
Curtain Call and Company Bow