NLP Knowledge Base

Assertiveness Installation

Assertiveness is a very important trait, yet people often fall into habits of
being too passive or aggressive. These habits can be subconscious, and
people often fail to realize how much they are losing and how many bad
experiences come from poor assertiveness.

Step #1. Analyze the non-assertive behavior.

Step #2. Assess what stops the assertive behavior.

Step #3. List ways the assertive behaviors can be useful.

Step #4. Expand the assertiveness state.

Step #5. Go through the timeline, generating examples of assertive

behavior.

Step #6. Diminish the images of non-assertive behavior.

Step #7. Future Pace.

Step #8. Test.

Step #1. Analyze the non-assertive behavior.

Determine what the person does instead of asserting himself or herself in

a specific situation. In addition to the behavior, uncover the chain of
thoughts and other internal representations that take place prior to and
during the non-assertive behavior. For verbal thoughts (self-talk), get a
good sense of their position. For example, how much are their thoughts
acting as a broadcast for someone else’s thoughts. And how much are
they trying to preempt what other people might think? Dynamics such as
these show problems with perceptual position misalignment. And this is
a clue for you, by the way, to notice issues that you might want to handle
with other patterns before continuing a process. As for the stronger
sensory elements, look at sub-modalities as well.

You are looking at what drives the person toward the non-assertive
behavior. Do not just assume that the sub-modalities have to be from the
known driver sub-modalities (size, location, etc.). It could be any type in
any modality. Be thorough in your investigation of sub-modalities in this
step, because that might determine the success of the whole procedure.

Step #2. Assess what stops the assertive behavior.

Notice any ways that an impulse to be assertive is stopped. One way to

derive this is to simply mention two or three assertive behaviors that
might apply to the situation. Then ask, “When you think of doing this,
what happens?” The person is likely to describe a dominant rep system,
such as the kinesthetic sense of feeling fear in their stomach, along with
some thoughts. Help the person express these thoughts and develop
them into specific beliefs such as, “If I asked for that, it would mean that I
was a needy person. People like that are disgusting.” (Notice the
nominalization regarding disgust. Who is disgusted, and why?) Clarify the
ways that stopping assertiveness can be useful.

Step #3. List ways the assertive behaviors can be useful.

Develop with the person a list of ways that one or more of the assertive
behaviors can be useful. Make sure that this list appeals to the broadest
possible spectrum of values that the person holds dear. Make sure that
this includes as many selfish motives as possible, as well as any ways
that the results of their assertive behavior would benefit any people or
groups that the person feels are deserving. For example, if self care
makes them more productive, they will be able to contribute more to the
world in the long run. Also, their medical bills will be lower, so they can
contribute more to their favorite cause. Be sure to include the pleasure of
experiencing an assertive state that is free of guilt or other causes of
shyness. As you are doing this step, be sure that you are using each
element to foster a state of confident assertiveness in the person.

Another issue to consider is morality and ethics. Your client might have
other parts that object such a stream of thoughts, making oneself more
important in one’s eyes. Allow these parts to speak up and use the Parts
Negotiation pattern is needed to make sure they do not interrupt in the
rest of this procedure.

Step #4. Expand the assertiveness state.

Bring the person’s attention to the ways they are beginning to experience
an assertiveness state. This includes any rep system elements, including
thoughts. Ask elicitation questions, such as—What do you see, hear, feel?
Elicit sub-modalities as well, and maintain a high level of sensory acuity.
Note which rep systems are most compelling, and of the thoughts, which
values expressed by the thoughts are most compelling. Begin future
pacing by, for example, asking the person to imagine carrying out
assertive behavior buoyed by this state and fully expressing this state.
What kind of posture, gestures and facial expressions would be
expressed? Again, if you maintain a high level of sensory acuity, you
would notice their posture, gestures and facial expressions and give them
verbally as feedback to your client in order to prove that the process is
already working. Include a fantasy of people reacting very normally and
favorably to this behavior in order to reduce the fear and create positive
expectations on the subconscious level.

Since tone of voice is so important in assertiveness, have the person

imagine the vocal tone, volume, and pacing that are likely to gain
cooperation and make the assertive requests. Again, bring up the positive
feelings that go with the assertive state and behavior. Be very supportive
of these feelings, and help the person amplify them. Use the sub-
modalities that were most influential on this specific client.

Step #5. Go through the timeline, generating examples of assertive

behavior.

Have the person go through their timeline, thinking of many examples of

assertive behavior. This includes any times that the person expressed an
aspect of the assertive behavior. For example, they may feel badly about
having said something meekly, but if they used the right words, have
them focus on this very intently. The purpose of this is to modify the
person’s self concept into that of an assertive person.

This way they will have a greater expectation of being assertive, more
permission to be assertive, and better competence at being assertive.
They will also express assertive cues such as body language that set
expectations in others. This will cause people to respond in ways that
elicit more assertiveness in the person.

Step #6. Diminish the images of non-assertive behavior.

Bring the person’s awareness back to their images of not being assertive.
These images may include memories and fears. Ask them to send those
images behind the assertive images. Ask them to imbue the nonassertive
images with the qualities of the assertive images. For example, if the
assertive images have a more lively, colorful quality, have the person
modify the nonassertive images to have that quality. Have them do the
same with other modalities and sub-modalities, such as vocal tone and
accompanying thoughts. Move unassertive feelings to the same location
as the assertive feelings, and modify the unassertive feelings to match
key aspects of the assertive feelings. Continue making these adjustments
until the person feels very congruent with assertiveness, even though
these unassertive elements were being processed.

Step #7. Future Pace.

Go back to future pacing, asking the person to imagine carrying out

assertive behavior in various situations. Be sure that they bring the
assertive state into the situation, and that their future images have the
qualities of the assertive images that have been developed.

Step #8. Test.

Ask the person to give you feedback over the coming days or weeks about
any changes in their behavior that have to do with assertiveness or
anything else that they think is important.

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