Bridge Jokes

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last updated 29-May
29 2009
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What time?
“I can see that you learnt to play today but could you tell me
what time today?”

Misplaced
A fellow had made a bad bid and gone for 1400.

“I'm sorry,” he said to his partner, “I had a card misplaced.”

Asked his partner innocently, “Only one card?”

What's in his hand?

The hostess of a bride got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable
to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an
attitude.

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar.
Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet.
toi

Embarrassed, his wife called out, “John, would you please close the door!”

John's partner said, “Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known
what the man has in his hand!”

Applied physics
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some bridge players appear bright until you hear
them speak in the post-mortem.
mortem.
 How should I have played?
“How should I have played that hand?”

“Under an assumed name”

How much exercise?

A doctor, concerned about the physical condition of one of his bridge-playing
bridge playing patients, during
a regular check-up asked,

“Do you get much exercise?”

“Only when I sit East-West,”

West,” was the reply

Every day.

“Every day you play worse and worse but today you are playing like it's tomorrow.”

A Matter of Priority
A man has a severe heart attack and is rushed to the hospital emergency room. The admitting
nurse says, “I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait in line.”

“But I might be dying!”” says the man.

“Sorry, a doctor will see you when one is available.”

Then an ambulance races up with its siren blaring, and a woman is carried in on a stretcher.
A paramedic explains, “She was in a terrible accident and has just stopped breathing.”

“I’m sorry,” says the nurse, “she’ll have to wait in line.”

Next a guy walks in without assistance, whispers something to the nurse and is taken
immediately to the examination room, surrounded by doctors.

“What’s this?” says the first man. “How come he goes right in?”

“Oh,” explains the nurse, “he’s a bridge player and his partner just passed him in a cue-bid.”
cue

Number One Desire

A man is stranded on a deserted island for 10 years. One day he notices a speck on the
horizon, and he watches intently as it draws near. “It can’t be a boat,” he thinks. “It can’t be a
fish.” Suddenly, a beautiful woman emerges from the sea wearing scuba gear and a wet suit.

“Hi there!” she says.

The man is amazed. “But… but… how did you get here?”

“Never mind,” says the woman as she unzips the left pocket of her wet suit and hands the
man a cigarette.

“Wow, this is terrific! I haven’t had a smoke in 10 years!”

“Enjoy!” says the woman as she unzips the right pocket of her wet suit and gives the man a
flask of whiskey.

“I can’t believe it! This tastes so good!”

Next the woman starts to unzip the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit. “Now
I’ve got something you really want.”

“What!” he says, “Don’t tell me you’ve got a deck of cards in there too!”

Marital Bliss
On their wedding night a couple arrive at their hotel room and the phone rings. The husband
answers and talks with his friend about a bridge hand. The conversation continues for hours
as the friend tells how he went down in six spades.

When it finally ends, the distraught wife is in tears and says, “How can he be so
inconsiderate? That was terrible!”

“You’re right, honey. All he had to do was take a finesse.”

One Wish
A bridge duffer was polishing a lamp and… poof! Out popped a genie who said, “I will grant
you one wish.”

The duffer unfolded a map of the world and said, “Let all of these countries live in peace and
harmony.”

“You’ve got to be kidding! I’m only a genie.”

The duffer thought for a while and then suggested, “OK, then make me a winning bridge
player.”

“Hmm… ” the genie pondered. “Let me see that map again.”

 Professional Opinion
Bill: My cardiologist says I can't play bridge.

Tom: Why not? Do you have a heart problem?

Bill: Nope. He's just played with me enough to know I'm hopeless.

Survival Options
During World War II a U.S. Air Force plane was forced to ditch in the ocean, and four
survivors managed to reach a small deserted island.

“Let's send up a signal flare,” said the first aviator.

“Won't work!” said the second. “Let's build a fire so they'll see the smoke.”

“No!” said the third. “We'll need all the wood to build a shelter.”

“Whoa!” said the last, an avid bridge player. “Let's just shoot down another plane so we can
have a team game.”

Did You Know?

43.6 percent of all slam contracts fail.

62.7 percent of all bridge players are women.

97.8 percent of all bridge statistics, including these, are made up.

Medical Problem
Jim: Did you hear that Bob won’t be going to any more bridge tournaments because of his
arthritis?

Joe: Has he seen a doctor?

Jim: Yes, he’s been to many doctors.

Joe: Can’t they eliminate the pain?

Jim: Oh, sure. But they also eliminated all his money.

Did You Hear…

About the man who wanted to learn bridge in one day? He ordered 35 copies of Five Weeks
To Winning Bridge.
About the lady who always went down one in 3 NT? When asked about this she said she was
just following her teacher’s advice: “Eight ever, Nine never.”

About the man who led the 8 from 98 doubleton because his teacher told him "eight ever,
nine never"

About the Elvis Presley coup? It's when your left-hand

left hand opponent leads
from his A--Q around to your K-x:
x: the King is no longer dead!

Better than all the rest...

Pattaya's bridge club director is Quest,
Who some people loved to detest.
But when put to the test
He plays with such zest
That some call him "simply the best"

The ultimate quest Remarkable book

Many bridge players have now invested
Three wise Kings came from the West
in the remarkable book by Quested.
on a mission to seek out Quest.
With Quest transfers, Stayman and
But how wise could they be,
Jacoby
if they came as a three?
the tome really is a must be.
Now with four Kings I would be impressed.
So buy it if your'e interested.

Table manners Pattaya attire

Playing bridge against Hannibal Lector
In horror I called the director
“ My partners being ate;
off the bone, not the plate!”
But the laws of bridge couldn't protect her.
Some visitors came to Pattaya
but their attire left much to desire.
So I gave them the boot
and I don't give a hoot
if from the bridge club they had to retire.

All wind? No Luck for Chuck

Now Chuck was a fearsome virago
who hailed from windy Chicago.
But his manners were wane,
indeed some thought him insane,
so he's hightailed it back on Wells Fargo
There once was a member named Chuck
whose postmortems really did suck.
He crossed swords with Terry
and he's not now so merry
as he's banished and out of luck.
 No Guess for Bess
There once was a player named Bess,
who found a new way to finesse.
She made up excuses
to lead up to deuces,
and loses without having to guess!
Lebanese Limerik
There once was a player from Beirut
who thought he would try to be cute.
He overcalled a spade
and died as he played.
The post-mortem: a four-card suit

Mistaken intent Really sunk

I mistook my partner's intent
when Grand Slam looked Heaven sent.
The opponents said double
and I was in trouble.
Only now do I see what he meant!
Bridge players on the Titanic
when the iceberg hit, wouldn't panic.
“ Of course we'll go down”
said South, with a frown.
“ Every king is offside – it's satanic”

Ace-queen To revoke is no joke

A member who hailed from East Cheam
was heard at his partner to scream
“ Trump my ace if you must,
bid six with a bust,
but NEVER lead low from Ace-Queen”
There was a member from Stoke
who said “Bridge is more than a joke”.
Though all my intentions
are to learn the conventions,
the very next round I revoke

Ode to John... ... John's final reverse

There once was a member named John
who thought he was never wrong.
But he's a noisy dude
and so incredibly rude
that the result is that he is long gone...
....for his reverse was four-four
and I'd told him before,
that reversing shows strength
and as for the length,
the first bid should always be more.

Brighter after Lightner Next rubber

I once bid a Lightner double
and my partner went into a huddle.
He found the wrong lead
so the slam did succeed
and a bottom I got for my trouble
If your partner can't follow suit
then don't behave like a brute.
Just smile, nod and chuckle
while biting your knuckle
and next rubber give him the boot.

Just bid what you've got

A competitor was called away on an emergency from a bridge tournament, with still
the last board to play. So the players asked a kibitzer to take his place although he
knew nothing about the game. They told him "Just bid what you've got and follow
suit". He sat South and the following bidding sequence ensued:
Dealer: ♠ A9 West North East South
South ♥ AKQ65 - - - 1♣
Both vul ♦ AK pass 2♥ pass 2♠
♣ Q1054 pass 3♣ pass 3♥
♠ KQ108 ♠ 76542 pass 4NT pass 7♦
♥ J1097 ♥ 8 dbl all pass
♦Q10 ♦ J9
♣ KJ8 ♣ 987632
♠ J3
♥ 432
♦ 8765432
♣A

South took the lead of the king of spades with the ace, cashed the ace and king of
trumps, came to hand with the ace of clubs and played all his diamonds.

On the last one, West was hopelessly squeezed in hearts and spades, and ultimately
discarded a heart, whereupon South made the last four tricks in hearts.

When the opposition saw South's hand, they called the director, who asked for an
explanation of the bidding, and got the following reply…

"I was told to bid what I've got, and I have one club, 2 spades, 3 hearts and 7
diamonds!"

Bridge Songs?
Bridge Over Troubled Water — Travel-with-Goren cruise that stops in Havana, Tripoli and
Basra.

It’s Not Unusual — partner’s scream after you misinterpret his 2NT bid.

Monday, Monday — what you wish for after single-handedly blowing the Swiss Teams on
Sunday.

The Second Time Around — the usual occasion when your aces get trumped.

Somethin’ Stupid — whichever line of play you decide to take.

‘Til the End of Time — normal duration before admitting your bridge mistakes.

Bridge Movies?
Bridge On the River Kwai — one of the first Goren cruises… a real blowout!

Double Indemnity — removing all the redouble cards from your opponents’ bidding boxes.
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea — the source of the ACBL’s new motto, “Let’s not be number
20,001.”

West Side Story — what the appeals committee would not buy as they ruled for North-South.

Fourth Best
Jan: Why did you lead the nine
from K-9-7-5-2?

Sue: I play fourth best.

Jan: Then why not the five?

Sue: Darn! I always forget which end to

count from.

Important Rules
Rule of Eleven — the inevitable trick total whenever you bid a slam.

Eight Ever, Nine Never — the status quo whenever you raise 2NT to 3NT.

Second Hand Low — the easiest way to lose your aces on defense.

Leading Through Strength — a sure-fire way to make your queens disappear.

Bedtime Story
A bumbling bridge player explained to his friend how he planned to improve his game:
“Every night when I go to bed I think about the mistakes I made that day at the bridge table.”

“Gee,” his friend said, “how do you get any

sleep?”

Robbie the Robot

Last Christmas I was overjoyed when Mabel bought me something I
always wanted but could never afford: my own robot! I named it
“Robbie” and spent hours studying the manuals and learning to use it.
Everything worked great, but there was one thing that puzzled me. The
instructions said nothing about the three buttons on Robbie’s chest.
The first button said “Genius.” I pressed it and was totally dumfounded as Robbie spoke, “In
the General Theory of Relativity, what is the relationship between inertial and gravitational
mass?”

Say what? You’ve got to be kidding! I could see Mabel must have spent some big bucks on
this thing. I quickly moved along to the second button which said “Normal” and pressed it.
Robbie paused for a few moments and then asked, “In Euclidean Geometry what are the five
platonic solids?”

Darn! I learned that in high school, but I just couldn’t remember them all. Oh, well; I was
almost normal. I noticed the third button was labeled “Useless” and out of curiosity I pressed
it. Wow! My eyes lit up fast as Robbie began, “You hold ace fifth, king-jack fourth…”

In Other Words
After spending the night in a blizzard, a tourist incurred frostbite on his left palm and fingers.
In other words: The hand was ice cold.

A land developer was appalled with the high estimates to construct an apartment complex,
and he pleaded with the contractors to lower their proposals. Almost immediately, the F.H.A.
intervened and forced him to accept the lowest proposal. In other words: Because of the
interference, he was unable to reverse the bidding.

Clear As Mud
Sue: Do you play M-U-D?

Sally: No, never heard of it.

Sue: Then what do you lead from three-small?

Sally: Fourth best, I guess.

Incompitance
Incompitance! Who needs it! We got to do something about the ever-increasing incompitance
in the bridge world, especially among it’s writers. If we don’t stop it now, its hardly never
going to quit by itself.

The Invoke
Know your ACBL Laws! An “invoke” is the irregularity of following suit when you are
unable to do so. Unlike its counterpart, the revoke, there are as yet no prescribed penalties.

A well-timed invoke is most effective against declarers who count the cards. Imagine their
frustration as the 14th or 15th spade appears!
Therefore, until the authorities wise up, keep this tactic in mind. The next time you are out of
a suit, consider following instead. It works!

Andy Rooney Report

Why can’t the ACBL leave the names of things alone? Just when we got used to the Grand
National Pairs, the gods in Memphis made it the North American Open Pairs. And why did
the McKenney race have to become the Top-500 race? I can’t argue with the later change to
the Barry Crane Top-500 to honor the best matchpoint player of all time. But why not the
Barry Crane McKenney? Or is that too many names?

I am proud to have won the Reisinger Teams, formerly called the Chicago. My son won his
category once in the Mini-McKenney; but then it was the Little McKenney. Sheesh! Is there
that much difference between Little and Mini that a change was even necessary?

And what ever happened to the Men’s Pairs? Now it’s always the Open Pairs. I’m sure this is
some kind of sexist thing, but I wish someone would tell me if I am being slighted or not.

Oh well, at least I can look forward to the next Nationals, er, I mean, North American
Championships.

Why The Cleaning Lady Quit

And I thought bridge was a sophisticated card game. How awful.

Bridge will never be the same again!

THEY CALL IT "BRIDGE'"

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last
employment she replied,
"Yes, sir, the wages were good, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked.
They played a game they call BRIDGE, and last night a lot of folks were there.

As I was about to bring refreshments, I heard a man say "Lay down and let's
see what you got."

Another man said "I got strength, but not much length."
And then another man said to a lady, "Take your hand off my trick."

I pretty near dropped dead just when a lady answered, "You forced me. You jumped me
twice when you didn't have the strength for one good raise."

Another lady was talking about protecting her honour.

And, two ladies were talking and one said, "Now it's my turn to play with your husband while
you play with mine."

Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving I hope to die if one them didn't say,
'Well, I guess we can go home,
this is our last rubber!"

Ever heard a bridge player say any of these things?

Ten things a bridge player would never say... Marilyn White, Toronto

This club's playing area is always at the right temperature - never too hot or too cold.

Free coffee? No thanks.

Cool! A four board sit-out.

No. I don't think tournament fees are too high.

I can always count on my partner to remember every convention on our card.

No gosip, please. I'm not interested.

Great. More new alerts! More new Alerts!

One thing I can say about bridge players - they sure know how to dress.

No matter which direction we sit, the cards always go our way.

I don't feel like bridge today. I'd rather jog and work out.

The Richard Sampson Fun page has a load of bridge jokes.

And The Bridge Bum funny stories are worth a read.

"Bridge Humor" is out-of print but you can pick up

old copies from Amazon. "Classsic Kantar - A
Collection of Bridge Humor" is a new book and is
actually an updated compilation of "Bridge Humor"
and "The Best of Eddie Kantar". There are more
books by Eddie Kantar in the Bridge book reviews
section, many on Bridge Book Reviews page 8.
There are many more humerous bridge books,
especially those by Victor Mollo (Hideous Hog &
Rueful Rabbit etc,) and by David Bird (The Abbot &
Monks of St. Titus, Robin Hood etc.) and these are
reviewed on Bridge Book Review pages 4, 5, 6 and 7.