GULDENSTEIN (SEINFELD PARODY)

(Animated Sitcom Pilot)

"The Eggplant Stuffed with Pilaf and
Raisins"

Written by Rodney Ohebsion

Copyright 2018
INT. CAR - DAY
JERRY GULDENSTEIN (35, a parody of Jerry Seinfeld) is
driving. His bluetooth phone rings.

BLUETOOTH
Call from Gary G.
Jerry presses a button.
JERRY
Hey, Gary.
On the phone is his brother GARY (32), who is shaving in his
bathroom.
GARY
Hey, Jerry. What’s going on?
JERRY
Oh. I’m just headed to the doctor’s
office for a check up.

GARY
Speaking of doctors, I was just
listening to a Dr. Dre song.
JERRY
Here’s what I don’t get about this
Dr. Dre person. How come he’s
allowed to say the n-word, but I’m
not?
GARY
I think it’s because he has a
doctorate degree.
JERRY
Speaking of doctors, let me just
say this. Doctors do lots of stuff
to you that really pushes the
limits of intimacy between one
person and another. A doctor
listens to your heart, he looks
into your eyes, he looks down your
throat, he looks into your ear, and
then he puts his hand up your ass.
He just runs through that routine,
without even making small talk or
giving you a glass of wine. If I
were a doctor, I’d go the extra
mile to set the mood. I’d turn down
the lights, and play some Barry
(MORE)
 2.

JERRY (cont’d)
White music, and maybe put a
waterbed in the room.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - DAY

DR. JOE HENMENFLYCKE (45, male) is examining some papers

while Jerry is seated next to him. The Doctor looks up.
DOCTOR
Alright. Your cholesterol is a
little high.
JERRY
How high is it?
DOCTOR
It’s twenty points above the
optimal range.
JERRY
Too many points. Fascinating. I
mean, in basketball, it’s good to
have a lot of points. But in
cholesterol, points are bad.
Basketball, cholesterol. Two very
different things.
DOCTOR
Yeah. They are. So, I’m gonna give
you a prescription for Mevacor.
JERRY
Oh. Well. You know. You said that
my cholesterol is a little high.

DOCTOR
Yeah. And?
JERRY
Well, the thing is, I’d rather not
take medication if my cholesterol
is only a little high.
DOCTOR
(pauses, stares at Jerry,
seems offended)
So you’re not gonna take my medical
advice, even though I’m a doctor?
JERRY
Well. I mean. You know. It’s not
you. It’s me. I’m just, uh--the
(MORE)
 3.

JERRY (cont’d)
thing is, I’m not really much a of
a pill person.
DOCTOR
(pauses, and then points to
his diploma)
There’s my medical degree. Do you
want to spray your urine on it?
JERRY
Um. No.
DOCTOR
Are you sure?
JERRY
I’m pretty sure.
DOCTOR
Well, by not taking my
medical prescription,
you’re basically doing the
equivalent of whipping out your
cock, and pointing your pee pee
hole at my Harvard diploma.
JERRY
... Uh. Dr. Henmenflycke. I
can assure you that my cock and its
pee pee hole are in my pants. It’s
just, I don’t want to take
prescription drugs for a minor
cholesterol problem.

DOCTOR
What do you do for a living?
JERRY
I’m a stand up comedian.

DOCTOR
Oh! A stand up comedian! As in, not
a doctor! Well then, comedian--what
makes you think you know anything
about cholesterol? I’ll bet you
don’t even know the difference
between LDL cholesterol and HDL
cholesterol! I’ll also bet you
don’t even know the difference
between your pee pee hole and your
asshole!
 4.

JERRY
Well. I’ll tell you this. I do know
the difference between an MD who’s
a Medical Doctor, and an MD who’s
a Motherfucking Dillweed. You, my
friend, are the latter.
(begins walking out)
Good day, sir.
Jerry exits.

INT.CAROL’S APARTMENT (KITCHENETTE) - DAY

ELLIOT (35, parody of George Costanza) and CAROL (35) are
eating at a kitchen table.
CAROL
Next time, can I make
you something else? How about
lasagna?
ELLIOT
Lasagna? Uh. No thanks.

CAROL
Lamb chops?
ELLIOT
Uh. I don’t like lamb.

CAROL
Chicken chow mein.
ELLIOT
I’m not into chowy things. No chow.
I’ve never been a chow guy. Let’s
just stick with what we’ve been
eating.
CAROL
Elliot. This is getting a little
weird. I mean, every time you come
over here, you ask me to make
Eggplant Stuffed with Pilaf and
Raisins.

ELLIOT
Carol. Listen. I’m a one dish kind
of man--and this is the food I want
to spend the rest of my life with.
 5.

CAROL
Wait a second. Are you proposing to
me?
ELLIOT
Um. Not quite. But, uh, you know. I
really love spending time with you.
In fact, I’d like to come over
tomorrow. And do you know what
would be great?

CAROL
What?
ELLIOT
If you could make me some Eggplant
Stuffed with Pilaf and Raisins. I
love it! I really love it!
CAROL
Elliot. I’m looking to have a
relationship. A romantic
relationship. Not a culinary
relationship.
ELLIOT
Absolutely. Romantic. When it comes
to romance--I go 100%, baby!

CAROL
Well. Do you want to make love?
ELLIOT
Honey--I’m still eating.

INT. JERRY’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

BUSTAMENTE (40, male, Cuban with thick accent, a parody of
Cosmo Kramer) is in the kitchenette, and wolfing down
butter, raw eggs, and corned beef sandwiches.

Jerry is in the living room. Elliot enters, and notices

Bustamente.
ELLIOT
(to Jerry)
Uh. What is he doing?

JERRY
I’m on a low cholesterol diet. So
Bustamente is disposing of all of
my high cholesterol foods.
 6.

ELLIOT
By eating them?
BUSTAMENTE
I need to eat this stuff. My
cholesterol levels are way too low.

ELLIOT
Says who?
BUSTAMENTE
... I don’t know.
He chugs a one gallon container of whole milk.
JERRY
Well. My doctor told me that my
cholesterol levels are a little
high. He also told me that I don’t
know my pee pee hole from my
asshole.
ELLIOT
He sounds like a real piece of
work.
JERRY
He’s more than that. He’s an MD.

BUSTAMENTE
A Motherfucking Dillweed.
Elliot’s phone rings. He looks at the screen.
ELLIOT
It’s Carol again. I just saw her an
hour ago--and now she wants to talk
to me.
He puts the phone away.

ELLIOT
Maybe I should block her phone
number.
JERRY
So, how are things going with you
two lovebirds? Are you gonna pop
the question anytime soon?
ELLIOT
I’m gonna pop the relationship.
Well. I would. But the thing
(MORE)
 7.

ELLIOT (cont’d)
is, I’m addicted to her Eggplant
Stuffed with Pilaf and Raisins.
JERRY
Is that a euphemism for vagina?
ELLIOT
No. She makes this amazing dish. I
have to eat it every day. And no
one makes it the way she does. I
tried to get the recipe from her,
and she told me that it’s a secret.
A secret, Jerry! A secret!

NATALIE (35) enters.

NATALIE
So get this. You know Janice
Jankman?

JERRY
Who?
NATALIE
My coworker.

JERRY
Why would I know your coworker?
NATALIE
You slept with her about a year
ago.
JERRY
Is she the one with the Hello Kitty
tattoo?

NATALIE
No. Anyways, apparently Janice
Jankman is out of her mind.
Whenever I get a drink from the
vending machine, she gets the exact
same drink one hour later! Today
the drink was Snapple.
BUSTAMENTE
Well. Snapple comes in many
varieties. Did she get the same
kind of Snapple that you got?
 8.

NATALIE
Yes! Snapple Iced Tea! She got the
same Snapple that I got!
ELLIOT
People still drink Snapple? I
thought it was
basically discontinued. Like Tang.
JERRY
Tang tastes like elephant urine. As
for Snapple, it’s a delicious
beverage. Plus, people like to say
Snapple.
BUSTAMENTE
Snapple. ... Yes. That’s very good.
I enjoying using my lips and tongue
to say Snapple. Snapple.
ELLIOT
Well, I think the name is stupid.
Snapple has nothing to do with a
snapping apple.
JERRY
And Ovaltine has nothing to do with
an oval. What’s your point?

NATALIE
Guys. Can we please focus on the
main issue here? There’s a lunatic
at my office who’s copycatting my
beverage consumption.

Bustamente stops eating.

BUSTAMENTE
A beverage copycat.

ELLIOT
A beverage copycat.
JERRY
A beverage copycat.

NATALIE
Yes. A beverage copycat. She’s had
the same drink as me 27 straight
times.
 9.

BUSTAMENTE
I have an idea. Donkey blood.
NATALIE
I beg your pardon.

BUSTAMENTE
Tomorrow, drink a gallon of donkey
blood in front of her. Then see if
she drinks the same thing.

NATALIE
Our vending machine doesn’t have
donkey blood.
BUSTAMENTE
Just bring a donkey with you.

JERRY
Uh. Bustamente. Do you realize how
insane that sounds? I mean, what is
she supposed to do? Slaughter the
donkey?

BUSTAMENTE
Fine. Drink the donkey’s milk
instead.
NATALIE
What donkey?!
BUSTAMENTE
You know my friend Bob Caballero?
He has a donkey rental business.

ELLIOT
Bob Caballero rents donkeys?
BUSTAMENTE
He rents donkey alright! He’s a
donkey renter.
(to Natalie)
So, here’s the plan. You bring a
donkey into work. You drink the
donkey’s milk. And then you see if
your coworker also drinks the
donkey’s milk.
JERRY
I wonder if donkey milk is high in
cholesterol.
 10.

EXT. CAFE - DAY

Bustamente is seated at a table with his Cuban friends MANNY
(30), TONY (35), and JOSE (60). Everyone at the table is
smoking three cigars simultaneously.

BUSTAMENTE
You know what I love about Miami?
MANNY
The half naked women on the
beaches?
BUSTAMENTE
Well, yes. But, uh, I was gonna say
the smoking laws. In Miami, you can
smoke almost anywhere. Other places
aren’t like that. In LA, they got
800 restrictions on smoking. LA is
like a... tyrannical dictatorship.
TONY
Do you even know what the words
tyrannical and dictatorship mean?
BUSTAMENTE
I have a general idea. The point
is, Miami is great.

JOSE
It is. But you know what? I still
miss Cuba a little.
BUSTAMENTE
Me, too.
TONY
What the hell is there to miss
about Cuba? Cuba is an actual
tyrannical dictatorship. Cuba is
stupid.

BUSTAMENTE
Maybe you’re stupid.
JOSE
Maybe both of you are stupid.

BUSTAMENTE
... Maybe you’re stupid.
 11.

MANNY
By the way--what’s with that donkey
next to you?
A donkey is tied to Bustamente’s chair.

BUSTAMENTE
Oh. That? I got it from Bob
Caballero. I’m gonna take it over
to my friend Natalie’s office.
She’s dealing with with a beverage
copycat.
MANNY
A beverage copycat?
TONY
A beverage copycat?
JOSE
A beverage copycat?
BUSTAMENTE
That’s right. A beverage copycat.
The doctor from before is sitting at the table next to
theirs.
DOCTOR
Excuse me. Do you guys have to
smoke so much?
JOSE
Hey. Smoking is legal here, stupid!

DOCTOR
Well, yeah. But I’m just saying.
The four of you are smoking 12
cigars simultaneously. That’s not
good for our health or your health.

BUSTAMENTE
Says who?
DOCTOR
Says me. I’m a doctor.

TONY
Is this a doctor’s office?
 12.

DOCTOR
No.

TONY
Then maybe you should shut your
fucking mouth, doctor.
INT. WHOLE FOODS MARKET - DAY

Jerry has a cart full of food. He walk up to a SHOPPER

(male, 30, fit).
JERRY
Excuse me. Um. You seem like a
healthy guy.

SHOPPER
What makes you say that?
JERRY
Well. You’re in a Whole Foods
Market, and you’re wearing glasses
and mocassins. So, um, let me ask
you a question. This stuff I have
in my cart. Is any of it high in
cholesterol?

SHOPPER
(looks at Jerry’s items)
Well. I mean, these ten packs of
creamed cheese are high in
cholesterol.

JERRY
But what if I eat them with bagels?
SHOPPER
Bagels don’t lower the cholesterol
in creamed cheese.
JERRY
OK. Thank you. You’ve been very
helpful. Now go buy your vegetables
and head to your Pilates class, you
jerkoff.
SHOPPER
Hey. All I did was answer your
question, bro.

JERRY
Sorry. I’m just having some
cholesterol withdrawal symptoms.
 13.

SHOPPER
There’s no such thing.
JERRY
Take a hike, buddy!

The Shopper walks away.

Jerry Spots Elliot.
JERRY
Elliot.
ELLIOT
Hey, Jerry.
JERRY
I see you’re shopping with a
basket.
ELLIOT
Yeah. You know. I like the basket
technique, because it gives you
more room to maneuver.
JERRY
I prefer the cart. I like a big
hunk of metal. Maneuvering is
overrated.

ELLIOT
How is maneuvering overrated?!
Sometimes you need to maneuver if
you want to make it from point A to
point B.

JERRY
The hell with point B! I don’t like
point B, I don’t need point B, I
don’t want point B! By the way--I’m
thinking of buying a gallon of
whipped cream. What brand should I
get?
ELLIOT
I’m pretty sure whipped cream is
high in cholesterol.

JERRY
Well what are you buying, smart
guy?
 14.

ELLIOT
I’m trying to recreate the Eggplant
Stuffed with Pilaf and Raisins that
my girlfriend makes. I checked 15
recipes online, and now I got about
a hundred different ingredients in
this basket. I’m gonna find a way
to make the exact dish she makes!
I’m gonna pinpoint that recipe,
Jerry. I don’t care how much stuff
I gotta put in this basket! A
hundred items, a thousand items!
JERRY
I think you’re running out of room
in that basket, kimosabe. Maybe you
need a cart.

ELLIOT
I do not need a cart! I don’t like
carts, I don’t use carts, I don’t
believe in carts! I maneuver!

He walks away, awkwardly lugging his full and very heavy

basket.
INT. NATALIE’S OFFICE - DAY
JANICE (35) and other EMPLOYEES are working at their
cubicles. Natalie leads a donkey into the office and to her
cubicle. She grabs a bucket, and starts milking the donkey.
The donkey hee-haws. MR. SHMETERMAN (55) walks up to
Natalie.
MR. SHMETERMAN
Natalie. Is that a jackass?
NATALIE
Um. Yes, Mr. Shmeterman.
MR. SHMETERMAN
I see. And what, pray tell, is that
jackass doing in our office?
NATALIE
Oh. You know. She’s standing here,
while I, uh, milk her.

MR. SHMETERMAN
I see. And why are you milking her?
 15.

NATALIE
Because I, uh, like to get plenty
of fluids when I’m at work.

MR. SHMETERMAN
Natalie. You know perfectly well
that we have company rule
prohibiting farm animals from the
premises. Now, I will admit that
fresh donkey milk is a fantastic
source of vitamin K2. So, I’ll tell
you what. From now on, I’m gonna
have you milk this animal
elsewhere, and then bring a gallon
of the milk over here for everyone
in the office to drink.
NATALIE
Oh. But, I’m I’m not really a dairy
farmer...

MR. SHMETERMAN
It’s settled. You’re our company
milkman. Bring in a gallon of
donkey milk every day. And it
better be farm fresh. Otherwise,
you’re fired.

INT. DOCTOR’S WAITING ROOM - DAY

Jerry is seated in a waiting room, and reading magazines
while eating a carrot. The Doctor from the previous scenes
(Joe Henmenflycke) enters the waiting room.
JERRY
Hello, Henmenflycke.
DOCTOR
It’s Dr. Henmenflycke! What the
hell are you doing here? I didn’t
see the name Jerry Guldenstein on
today’s appointments list.
JERRY
I don’t have an appointment. I’m
not here to see you. I just figured
I’d drop by and read a few
magazines for free. Popular
Mechanics. Us Weekly. You gotta
love that Khloe Kardashian. I just
called up my friend Bustamente, and
had a lengthy discussion with him
about Khloe’s dating history.
 16.

DOCTOR
Get lost, Jerry!
Jerry gets up, and takes a bite of his carrot.
JERRY
By the way--did you know that
carrots contain no cholesterol?
EXT. CAFE - DAY

Bustamente is smoking with his Friends.

JOSE
So. Let me see if I got this
straight. Khloe Kardashian used to
date Tristan Thompson. But now she
is dating Trey Songz.
BUSTAMENTE
You got that right! Trey Songz.
JOSE
One more question. Who in the hell
is Khloe Kardashian?
Elliot is walking by the cafe.
BUSTAMENTE
Elliot.
ELLIOT
Oh. Hey, Bustamente. Hey, fellas.
JOSE
You want to sit down, smoke a few
cigars with us?
ELLIOT
Gee. I’d love to, Jose. But, you
know. I don’t have the lung
capacity to smoke three cigars
simultaneously, the way you guys
do. Besides, I gotta get going. My
girlfriend is gonna make me some
Eggplant Stuffed with Pilaf and
Raisins.
BUSTAMENTE
But Jerry told me you spent all day
yesterday making that in your
kitchen.
 17.

ELLIOT
It wasn’t the same, Bustamente! It
wasn’t the same Eggplant Stuffed
with Pilaf and Raisins that my
girlfriend makes! I need her
recipe! And I’m gonna get it--even
if I have to lie, cheat, and steal!
Elliot walks away.
The guys continue their conversation.

BUSTAMENTE
(to Jose)
Khloe Kardashian is the sister of
Kim Kardashian.

TONY
Then who is Kylie Jenner?
INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT (BEDROOM) - DAY
Elliot and Carol are lying in bed.

ELLIOT
That was some fantastic sex. And
um, prior to the sex, that was
a fantastic meal. What do you call
that again?

CAROL
Eggplant Stuffed with Pilaf and
Raisins.
ELLIOT
Right. Yeah. Um. So, that’s
eggplant, and pilaf, and raisins.
And, um, what else do you put in
that?

CAROL
I told you, Elliot. It’s a secret.
ELLIOT
... I was just thinking. You know
how we can be a more intimate
couple? By sharing secrets. Like,
here’s a secret of mine. I really
want to have sex with your mother.
OK. Now you tell me your secret of
your regarding your Eggplant
Stuffed with Pilaf and Raisins.
 18.

CAROL
You want to have sex with my
mother?!

ELLIOT
Well. Yeah. She’s got an ass like
Kim Kardashian’s. Now, about that
Eggplant...

INT. DINER - DAY

Jerry is seated at a table with Bustamente.
JERRY
...And so what I do now is sit in
waiting rooms, and read all the
magazines for free. It’s great.
BUSTAMENTE
Yeah. That’s a good way to protest
Obamacare, with all its rules, and
its tyrannical dictatorship-ness.
JERRY
I’m not protesting Obamacare,
Bustamente. I’m protesting doctors.
By the way--don’t you use
Obamacare?
BUSTAMENTE
Well. Yeah. Because, when in Rome,
do as the Romans do.

JERRY
Rome?
BUSTAMENTE
It’s a metaphor, Jerry. A metaphor.

He spots a MAN walk out of the diner.

BUSTAMENTE
Hey. I know that guy. He owes me
fifty bucks.

He rushes after the guy.

Seconds later, Elliot enters, and sits down at the table.
ELLIOT
Well. Carol broke up with me.

Natalie enters with the donkey.

 19.

ELLIOT
(to Jerry)
I told her I wanted to have sex
with her mother--and she took it
the wrong way.

Natalie sits down.

JERRY
She broke up with you for an
innocent comment like that? She
sounds like a real pain in the ass.
NATALIE
Speaking of pains in the ass, my
new job description involves
milking a jackass for everyone at
my office. Yeah. I guess I’m gonna
have to buy that donkey from
Bob Caballero.
JERRY
You know, I’ve always wanted to do
business with Bob Caballero.
ELLIOT
Me, too. It sounds exciting. I
always hear about him, but I’ve
never seen him before. He’s a man
shrouded in mystery.
JERRY
He’s a mystery shrouder.
NATALIE
No he’s not! He’s a lunatic who
rents and sells donkeys in the
middle of Miami!
A WAITRESS (30) walks up to the table.

WAITRESS
Can I take your orders?
NATALIE
Tuna salad.

ELLIOT
I’ll have Carol’s Eggplant Stuffed
with Pilaf and Raisins.
 20.

WAITRESS
We don’t have that here.

ELLIOT
I’ll have the ham on rye.
JERRY
Give me a cheeseburger.

NATALIE
Um. Jerry. I’m pretty sure that’s
high in cholesterol.
JERRY
Everything’s high in cholesterol!
There’s no avoiding it.
ELLIOT
Bread isn’t high in cholesterol.
NATALIE
But it contains gluten.
JERRY
Don’t get me started on gluten.
He gets up and walks out of the diner.

INT. SMALL COMEDY CLUB - DAY

Jerry is performing for an AUDIENCE of about 50 people.
JERRY
How come everyone is talking about
gluten these days? When did gluten
become one of the main focuses of
Western civilization? I was
watching the news the other day,
and they said, "The President
delivered his State of the Union
Address yesterday. He spent five
minutes talking about jobs, and
four hours talking about how the US
dollar is gluten free!"

INT. DINER - DAY

Jerry enters and sits back down at the table.
JERRY
(to Waitress)
Give me a tuna fish sandwich.
Bustamente enters and sits down at the table.
 21.

BUSTAMENTE
(to Waitress)
Let me get a double bacon
cheeseburger with extra bacon. I’m
very hungry. I just did a lot of
running.
WAITRESS
OK.
She walks away.

Jerry notices his Doctor sitting several tables away from

them.
JERRY
Hey. There’s my ex-doctor.

NATALIE
That’s my ex-boyfriend.
JERRY
Is that right?

NATALIE
Yeah. Joe Henmenflycke. I dated him
for a while in college.
JERRY
Uh huh. And what kind of a dillweed
was he back then?
NATALIE
A motherfucking dillweed.

JERRY
That’s pretty impressive. He was an
MD before he got his doctorate
degree.
SANDRA (35) sits down across from the Doctor.

NATALIE
That’s Sandra Van der Pol!
ELLIOT
Who?

NATALIE
Another one of my coworkers.
 22.

JERRY
Right! She’s the one with the Hello
Kitty Tattoo.
NATALIE
You know, she got married six
months ago. To a real estate agent.
And that guy she’s with right
now--he isn’t a real estate agent.
BUSTAMENTE
He’s an MD.
ELLIOT
This is just like that episode of
General Hospital I saw last week.

JERRY
You watch General Hospital?
ELLIOT
Well. My Tivo records that show
even when I don’t tell it to. That
Tivo has a mind of its own! Rise of
the machines, Jerry!
JERRY
Very interesting.
(to Natalie)
Let’s go say hi to the doctor.
Jerry and Natalie get up and walk to the Doctor’s table.
JERRY
Hello, Henmenflycke.
DOCTOR
Hello, Jerry.
(notices Natalie)
And... Natalie Marshall.

NATALIE
Class of 2003. Go Scallions!
DOCTOR
Wow. It’s been a long time.

NATALIE
Hasn’t it?
(to Sandra)
Hi, Sandra.
 23.

SANDRA
Uh. Hi, Natalie.
NATALIE
Yes. I’m Natalie. Natalie your
coworker, and
(to Doctor)
Natalie your college girlfriend.
JERRY
And I’m still Jerry, in case
anyone’s wondering.
NATALIE
(to Sandra)
So, Sandra. How’s your husband?

SANDRA
He’s, uh-he’s fine.
NATALIE
And how is your Henmenflycke?

SANDRA
Listen. Natalie. This is not what
it looks like. He’s just, uh...
NATALIE
Let me guess. He’s your doctor, and
since he’s such a good doctor, he’s
buying you lunch before he examines
your vagina.
JERRY
(to Doctor)
By the way, doctor. I lowered my
cholesterol ten points, through
diet and exercise. No pills.
DOCTOR
Kiss my ass, Jerry.
Jerry exits.
INT. SMALL COMEDY CLUB - DAY

Jerry is performing.
JERRY
Isn’t it weird how when we want to
insult someone, we use the
expression, "Kiss my ass!" I mean,
a kiss is an act of affection. But
(MORE)
 24.

JERRY (cont’d)
when we say "kiss my ass," we say
it as an insult. I guess if you
want to take the insult to the next
level, you should mention an act
that’s even more affectionate than
a kiss. As in, you tell someone,
"Make love to my ass! Don’t just
kiss it! I’m trying to really
insult you. So I want you to make
love to my ass!"
INT. DINER - DAY

Jerry enters the diner and walks up to the Doctor’s table.

JERRY
OK. I’m back.

SANDRA
Natalie. Um. You’re not gonna
mention this whole thing to
anyone--right?

NATALIE
You mean the adultery?
JERRY
(to Sandra)
You know. I was just thinking.
Maybe there’s a way your doctor
friend can help out one of our
friends.
INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT HALLWAY - DAY
George, the Doctor, Jerry, and the donkey are standing
outside of Carol’s door. George rings the doorbell. Carol
sees Elliot through the peephole.
CAROL
I don’t want to talk to you,
Elliot!
ELLIOT
Carol. I’m here with a doctor.
CAROL
Don’t tell me you have herpes.
 25.

ELLIOT
No. I have a mysterious food
allergy. And the doctor needs to
know what I’ve been eating. He
needs to know what’s in
your Eggplant Stuffed with Pilaf
and Raisins.
CAROL
It’s a secret, Elliot.

ELLIOT
This is a medical emergency.
CAROL
Well how do I know that guy you’re
with is really a doctor.

ELLIOT
(to Doctor)
Tell her you’re a doctor.
DOCTOR
(to Carol)
I’m a doctor.
CAROL
Let me see your stethoscope and
medical degree.

He produces a stethoscope and medical degree, and holds them

up in front of the peephole.
Carol opens the door.

CAROL
Fine. Come in.
INT. CAROL’S APARTMENT (LIVING ROOM) - DAY

Elliot, the Doctor, Jerry, and the donkey enter.

ELLIOT
You know Jerry.
CAROL
Yes I know Jerry. What the hell is
Jerry doing here?
JERRY
I’m here to get material for my
stand up act. By the way--it would
be great if you could integrate the
(MORE)
 26.

JERRY (cont’d)
word Ovaltine into your
conversation.
CAROL
I’ll do you on better. I’ll
integrate the expression "fuck off"
into our conversation.
(lights a cigarette and starts
smoking)
(looks at the donkey)
(to Elliot)
Why’d you bring a donkey?
ELLIOT
We’re not sure. We got three or
four plots running, and sometimes
they get illogically intertwined.
Anyways, I need that recipe.
(to Doctor)
Right?
DOCTOR
Right. Because of the adultery. I
mean, because of the allergy. I’m a
doctor.
Carol lights another cigarette.

DOCTOR
By the way--smoking is not healthy.
CAROL
Let me ask you a question, doctor.
Are you the Surgeon General?
DOCTOR
No.
CAROL
Then mind your damn business.
ELLIOT
Carol. I have a food allergy. So
give us the recipe.

CAROL
Fine, Elliot. Here’s the recipe.
Eggplant. Pilaf. Raisins. Salt.
Pepper.
 27.

ELLIOT
Yeah! I know about the salt and
pepper! Everyone knows about the
salt and pepper! What else?

CAROL
Um. Olive oil. Onions. Cardamon.
Coriander seeds. And dillweed. Lots
of dillweed.
ELLIOT
Dillweed.
JERRY
Dillweed.
THE DONKEY
Dillweed.
ELLIOT
What?
THE DONKEY
I mean, uh--hee haw.
JERRY
(to Elliot)
Well. You gotta give that Bob
Caballero some credit. He has the
most intelligent donkeys in all of
Miami.
INT. SMALL COMEDY CLUB - DAY

Jerry is performing.
JERRY
Some jobs involve dealing with
urgent situations. Like, if you’re
a doctor, you come across medical
emergencies. My job isn’t like
that. I’ve never noticed an
audience member and said, "This man
needs to hear a joke about Pop
Tarts, right away! Nurse. Give me
500 CCs of breakfast related
comedy, stat!" You know which
doctors I really find amusing?
Alternative doctors. Apparently,
these guys have found an
alternative to saying things that
actually make sense. One time I
went to an alternative doctor. He
(MORE)
 28.

JERRY (cont’d)
examined me. And then he said,
"You’re not getting enough kumquat
your diet." I was like, "Excuse
me?" "You need to increase your
intake of kumquats. And cumin. I
mean, every good alternative doctor
knows that the two alternative food
groups are kumquat and cumin."
THE END