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START

TRUMP
You didn’t see Barbara
Bush doing this back
in her day!

CARD
Melania’s ace nudes could help
Donald win the White House!

S
AY what you like The Donald was unfazed
about presidential by the fuss, noting the pics
wannabe Donald were “taken for a European
Trump, but you have magazine prior to my
to admit his missus Melania knowing Melania. In Europe,
is a FUCKING HOTTIE! pictures like this are very
Actually, we realised fashionable and common.”
that while watching the But pretty uncommon
46-year-old’s now-legendary for a chick who’s poised
Republican Convention to become America’s next
speech…with baby oil and First Lady in November.
tissues close at hand. It could happen, too,
But the Slovenian-born if horny voters can stop
ex-model cemented a place wanking long enough to
in our collective heart (and walk awkwardly to their
BALLBAG) when these nearest polling booth.
NAKED MODELLING
SHOTS were unearthed!
The New York Post
recently ran starkers
photos of Mel – plus a
Sapphic running mate,
see right – that originally
appeared in French rag
Max in 1996.
Of course, she was
known as Melania K back
then and wouldn’t meet
her future billionaire
husband till 1998. They
married in 2005.

TALK TO US CONTENTS
BY MAIL: 08 FULL FRONTAL 44 PORN WATCH
GPO Box 2860, Sydney, NSW 2001 28 12 WTF?! PIX SPECIAL
48 46 FUNNY SHIT
BY EMAIL:
people@bauer-media.com.au
16 NEWS TO US 52 WIN STUFF!
BY PHONE:
(02) 9288 9686 18 TOP 10 ALT. BABES 53 MODEL CITIZENS
FACEBOOK: 26 ANIMAL HOUSE 64 THE HAREM
aussiepeople
33 BRAIN GAMES 68 TRUE BLUE
TWITTER:
PeopleOz 40 T&Cs 70 THE BACK DOOR
WE’RE HOOKED!

I
 Sexy angler
likes a big rod
and tackle
PHOTOS BY GARY SANTOS
 ‘I WAS
FISHING
NAKED FOR
TEN HOURS’

H
OW does one of Australia’s top
strippers, Delilah Daniels, chill
out? Why, the 25-year-old
Perthling grabs her fishing rod
and heads to the nearest large body of
water. And strips off – because NAKED
FISHING is waaaaaaaay more relaxing
than doing it with your clothes on!

ARE you a keen angler, Delilah?

“I have a passion for fishing, although
whether that translates to a successful
haul is another story!”
Got a favourite fishing spot?
“I’ve fished all over Australia and New
Zealand, but I’ve had the most success
fishing up the top of WA past Coral Bay,
where I helped land a jewfish! I was
fishing completely naked for 10 hours
and I don’t know whether I was luckier
’cos I was nude, but I also managed to
catch a small shark that day, too!”
And the biggest dick you’ve landed?
“It was when I went to Thailand for my
birthday this year. Me and my girlfriend
met a guy from Melbourne and he took
me on the ride of my life…literally! He
was at least 12 inches and GIRTHY AS
FUCK. It was one of the best birthday
presents I’ve ever received!”
Are you a fan of outdoor rooting?
“Sex outdoors is definitely up my alley
– the thought of being caught while
DOING THE DIRTY excites me!”
What advice would you give blokes
who want to date a gorgeous lady
like yourself?
“Keep us laughing and be a nice guy,
not a cunt, and we’ll be all yours!”
Preferred sexual position?
“Anything that involves a hand round my
neck and being held down is my fave,
’cos it just feels better that way! Doing
it doggy is definitely up there, too!”
FULL FRONTAL The latest in nudity from around the globe!

HEALTH CHICK

FLANKS,
CHARLIE! SCREAM WITH
GLEE...IT’S LEA!
THAT smiley brunette from Glee and Scream Queens,
Lea Michele, 29, has DITCHED HER CLOBBER for
Women’s Health UK. Now you’re smiling, too, right?
The welcome strip was in aid of the fitness-obsessed
mag’s annual “Naked” issue.
Also known as the “There ain’t
much happening in September,
how can we guarantee a sales
increase?” issue.

XCX ON LEGS
POMMY popster Charlie XCX recently killed it at LA venue Create,
unveiling a new track entitled Bounce – and unveiling her delicious
under-bits for good measure. The 23-year-old’s latest choon has
been described by the music press as “STICKY” and “GIDDY”,
which pretty much sums up how we feel when studying this snap
of her butt crack and beavage. Except not in that order.

8
 HOLLYWOOD SHARING
HOGAN THE LOVE
The freshest flesh on
celebrity social media

PRIDE OF ERIN
WE’RE stingin’ to see 2016 comedy flick
The Bet. Not only does it have a cool
premise – an adult loser trying to win
BIG MONEY by tracking down and dating
every chick he had a crush on in school
– it also stars pro wrestling legends
Jake “The Snake” Roberts, “Diamond”
Dallas Page and Tommy Dreamer. And
then there are the ample charms of
Erin Marie Hogan. No relation to Hulk.

SHE ROX!

Forget the Wonder Woman and Justice League

trailers, the biggest talking point at the San Diego

BALDWIN’S BOLD SKIN

WHEN Roxette sang The Look back in 1992, they may have been predicting
Comic Con was cosplayer and selfie addict
Maitland Ward. Ol’ Mait was rockin’ NOTHING
but body paint as she brought to life her own
superhero creation, Mistress Vixen. She also
the future rise of Yank module Ireland Baldwin. They PROBABLY weren’t, demoed a special power capable of freezing
but that’s as good a way as any to introduce the daughter of Alec Baldwin any man in his tracks… THE LIP LOCK!
and Kim Basinger’s FIRST NOOD PICS in Treats! magazine (shot by Arthur
Belebeau). Altogether now: “And we go la la la la la, she’s got the look!”
9
FULL FRONTAL
TEAM TITTY
CAUGHT YA,
KENDALL
WHY would you waste your time trying to catch Pokémon
when you could look up from your phone and bag glimpses
of celeb nipples instead? Of course, you’d have to have been
in New York’s East Village recently to have added this peek
at perky 20-year-old Kendall Jenner’s model nips (one of them
PIERCED) to your imaginary collection. Gotta perv on ’em all!
10
BRAZILIAN SELLER
HOW TO PICK
UP ALINE
IT’S easy – just grab a copy of the August US Maxim, which
contains the Brazilian stunna’s stylish Gilles Bensimon shoot.
For those who don’t know, Aline Weber is a catwalk/fashion
rag superstar and she also had a part in the INTERLEKSHUAL
2009 drama A Single Man. Because if there’s one thing any
unattached bloke needs, it’s a living goddess like this.
TALK O’ THE TOWN
SAPP’S BAPS
IF YOU’RE gonna get stuck overnight in one
of those spooky US towns where the work’s
dried up, the buildings are run-down and
most of the folks have left, try not to make it
one that’s also plagued by KILLER CLOWNS.
Otherwise, you might have to go through
the same hell as the characters in 2016’s
Clown Town. Then again, you might cop an
even closer squiz at the delectable diddies
of Jamie (Kaitlyn Sapp).
 LARA-IS HAWT

GUARD
BEAUTY
GERMAN telly actrine Lara-Isabelle Rentinck,
who’s spent years pretending to PATROL THE
BALTIC SEA as Pia Cornelius in Küstenwache
(Coast Guard), has removed her uniform for
her homeland’s Playboy. Though shutterbug
Philip Le Pepa kept things vaguely coastal by
having Lara-Isabelle, 29, pose in a pool and
by the sea. And not an illegal fishing boat or
drug smuggler’s yacht in sight!

ZOEY TAYLOR
YOU may recognise lovely lustbucket Zoey Taylor from the SINematic
masterpiece Lesbian Analingus 9, which we recently discussed in
Porn Watch. We didn’t actually show Zoey in the review – a terrible
oversight that we’re making up for right now! Keep a peeper peeled
for her other thought-provoking fillums such as Rope Bondage For
Pretty Girls and Soccer Champ Gets Fucked.
11
 WILD LIFE

They always
said I was
a bit flaky

A
USTRALIA: a land
where dingos eat
sharks, snakes eat
bats and wallabies
(and CROCS), spiders eat birds
and Tassie devils eat bloody
ANYTHING. Where the roos are
built like brick dunnies and will
punch you in the face if you
look at them funny. And where
koalas are, in reality, the
spawn of Satan. But don’t be
scared, overseas tourists.
Please visit us soon.

Despite being well-

packaged, Australia Post
still wouldn’t accept it
australia
We took our
Combantrin
and look what
popped out

Drop bear?
It’s enough I’ll fuckin’
drop you!
to make ya
move to
EnZed!

Er...we’ll let the caddy

get the ball on this hole
 It’s still on the lookout
for Mick Fanning

Fuck you AND

your camera,
hipster!

australia

And Collingwood fans

wonder why everyone
else hates the ’Pies
 PERFECT GIFT FOR FATHER’S DAY
Toast the Legen
nd of

9
900ml ceramic tankard
featuures exclusive art by Kelly
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He fought for justice in an unjust world. Not
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It cost him his life, but sometimes it has to.
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The message circles around the base where
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Such is Life” resounds across the years as a
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For Father’s Day delivery, order online by Friday, 26th August 2016. If responding by mail, we must
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2016. All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit criteria may apply. Our
privacy policy is available online at www.bradford.com.au. From time to time, we may allow carefully screened
companies to contact you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers, please tick this box. ❑
 NEWS TO US Our fuckwit Bogdan presents another dose of weirdness

SPICY CONVO
THERE are a lot of big issues facing
the world, and one of the biggest...
probably ISN’T whether fire ants
should be renamed SPICY BOYS. That looks like
Nevertheless, the petition on the contents of
Change.org has so far attracted my pants after a
more than SIXTY THOUSAND dodgy vindaloo!
signatures. Fire ants are bastard
insects found all over the globe
whose bites cause intense pain.
We’re not entirely clear how
renaming them “spicy boys” will
make the tiny turds less harmful,
but it’s gotta be worth a shot.

ARRESTING SIGHT
“HANDCUFF me, officer! to the ground before
Please!” We’re sure arresting his arse.
that’s what this thief “Had I been NAKED,
was pleading when I would have also
nabbed by a bikini-clad intervened,” declared
cop in Stockholm the curvy copper.
the other day.
Officer Mikaela
Kellner (right)
was off duty and
sunbaking when
she noticed the
bloke loitering
suspiciously.
When Mik’s friend
realised her
mobile phone
was missing, the
policewoman took
off after the crim
and threw him

FUCK-OFF FACTS
■ Australia has only ■ The world’s deadliest
two active volcanoes ant is the BULLDOG
...and both erupted in ANT, which is found
February. Luckily for us, along Oz coastlines.
Big Ben is located on At least three people
remote Heard Island, have died from its sting
1800km north of since 1936. They’re
Antarctica. The other super-aggressive and
gas-belching volcano couldn’t give TWO SHITS
is found on the nearby about the fact we’re so
McDonald Islands. So much larger than them
no need to evacuate – kinda like drunken
our homes just yet. dwarf wrestlers.
DAY OF
THUNDER
IF YOU believe in omens, then the folk
living near active Japanese volcano
Mt Sakurajima would’ve been pretty
bloody worried recently. As if the
volcano erupting wasn’t bad enough,
a dirty great thunderstorm decided
to unleash its force at the same time.
When Mother Nature hands you not
one but TWO eviction notices, you
should take the hint and leave.
OH MY GOTH!

ARABELLA
DRUMMOND
THE Brit SuicideGirl used to have
trouble getting work due to her
body art. Not anymore: “I was
considered an alternative model
’cos of my tatts but now I’m
doing lots of shoots.”
Angels
10 temptresses to take
you to alt-babe heaven!

A
LTERNATIVE babes – what’s
not to love? They dress cool,
they rock mad tatts, they’ve
got attitude to burn and,
in our experience, their sexual
preferences tend to be on the FREAKY
SIDE. And when you’re talking about
FAMOUS alt. chicks, you can take
those things and multiply them by
about a bajillion. So whack some
Cradle Of Filth or Marilyn Manson on
the stereo, light a few black candles
and wrap your looking gear around
these spunky outsiders we all wish
we were balls-deep INSIDE.
 CLOVER
“I’M ALWAYS wanting the sex,”
says this inked-up Aussie.
“I always initiate sex. I’d have
sex all day.” Which is what
you’d expect from a lass who
has “CUNT” permanently
etched below her boobs.

ANGEL
LONG
WHEN she’s not LEZZING ON
with other alt. ladies on film, the
35-year-old Pommy porn queen
likes walking her bulldogs
and ripping it up on
the BMX track.
 KAYLA
GREEN
THE super-stacked Russki will
out-root you, then out-play you at
Doom on the PS4. Oh, and as
an “erotic wrestler”, she’ll out-
grapple ya, too! We tap out,
Kayla…with our knobs!

LILY
MYS
LANE
STERYY surrounds American
pornstter and HORROR MOVIE FAN
Lily. For example, why did she
appeear in Tattooed Anal Sluts 1
annd Tattooed Anal Sluts 3,
but skip part two?
 HOLLIE
HATTONN
THE Pommy pin-up mayy havee
quietened down since spitting out
a bub, but she plans to bbe back
nude modelling soon. She
r cently tweeted, “It’s een
too long!”
 JACKEL
IT’S always so much fun when
Jackkel pops into our office for
a visit
v and a friendly flash.
Wee heart her so much. Her
advicce to us? “Don’t act like it’s
a baad thing to fall in love with
me.” We won’t, mate.

made
in oz

JEMMA
LUCY
THE star of the UK’s Ex On The
Beach is a polarising figure on
the TV show, but she reckons,
“The feedback from my fans
has all been positive.” We’re
fans of Jem’s fine tatt work.
 NEK
ALONG with h kicka ni
tatts, this home own
nymphette claims to have
a kickass BLOW JOB
TECHNIQUE: “I can deep-
throat heaps – it’s just abo
getting the airflow righ ”

REBECCA
CROW
THE luscious Londoner works
as a SuicideGirl under the name
Katherine Suicide. She’s also
available for gigs as an expert
FIRE TWIRLER, which we reckon
is flamin’ hot!
 PERFECT GIFT FOR FATHER’S DAY

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For Father’s Day delivery, order online by Friday, 26th August 2016. If responding by mail, we must
receive this coupon by Friday, 12th August 2016 and your first instalment by Friday, 19th August 2016.
All sales subject to product availability and reservation acceptance. Credit criteria may apply. Our privacy policy is
available online at www.bradford.com.au. From time to time, we may allow carefully screened companies to contact
you. If you would prefer not to receive such offers, please tick this box. ❑
 ANIMAL HOUSE
POKÉMON
GOER
MODEL CIT
Maria in your
July 18 issue
SHE
has one of the
SQUIRTLES
wildest tatts
I’ve ever SEEN. And,
while it has impressed me,
I can’t help thinking how
much it would’ve HURT
to get! AND she’s got great
cans! Such a brave winner!
Liam, Vic
Our Model Cits are the best
gals on the planet – and
willing to suffer a little pain
for their art. Especially when
that art involves water-type
Pokémon like Squirtle. Er...
or so the work-experience
lad informs us.
CHOICES, BRO’
PIE GUY
I WAS buying a pie in New Zealand last month
but almost walked out due to there being TOO
MANY OPTIONS. They even had BROCCOLI
in one of them. What’s wrong with regular
beef pies with a squirt of tomato sauce and
nothing else? Are you with me?
Shermi, Qld
Yes and no, Shermi. We bloody LOVE a beef pie,
but the tandoori chicken pie they do at our local
pie shop is fucking mint! We’re
We re equal-opportunity
equal opportunity
pie enthusiasts at People Towers.
WIN!
$20 LETTERS $50 PICTURES
THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE
GENITALS
“I THOUGHT I’d seen it all,” says
Chanel of Qld, “then I saw this.”
Yeah, it’s in your face all right,
which is just how we like it where
PUSSY is concerned!
Send your letters and pics to: The
Keeper, c/- Animal House, People
magazine, GPO Box 2860, Sydney,
NSW 2001. Or email us at people@
bauer-media.com.au (with Animal
House in the subject line).
COLD MEDALS OLYMPISSED
BY THE time you read this letter,
my flatmates and I will be well into
our RIO OLYMPICS drinking game.
Every time an Aussie makes a final,
we’ll be having a beer. And every
time we win a medal, we’ll chase it
with a shot. It’s going to be a beaut,
boozy couple of weeks. I just wish
I was more interested in the events.
The only one I really care about is
BMX, which Oz should do well at in
the men’s and women’s divisions.
Lee, Qld
Yeah, we’re always strong in BMX.
If only the IOC could come up with
a way to combine it with the EQUALLY
ENJOYABLE sport of drinking lager,
we’d be unbeatable!
 DODGY DUO
BEST FRENEMIES
GIVEN the bitter, longstanding
rivalry between Holden and
Ford, I was just wondering:
has any mad bugger ever
stuck a Commodore engine
OUT OF
SEASON
in a Falcon or vice versa?
Nik, Vic
Our buddy Tez reckons he thought
about it while sitting on the dunny
for four hours with a spot of food
SUMMER
LOVING
poisoning. In the end, he couldn’t
be arsed. If anyone HAS carried
out such an odd mod (or knows
a person who has), we’d love to
hear from youse!
THANK FUCK winter is
on its way out. I used to
love it as a kid, scoffing
Vegemite toast and hot
Milo in front of the kero
heater, but not anymore.
It’ll be good to see more
TITS out and about!
Mark, NSW
But surely there’s nothing
nicer than rugging up
in your winter pyjamas,
dressing gown and ugg
boots? Well, except for
waking up on a warm
summer’s morning with
a busty babe sucking
you off, obviously.
Editor
James Cooney
News editor
Dan Lennard
Writers
Karl Clifford,Adam Williams
Designer-in-chief
Tony Halpin
Designers
Darren Monaghan, Chantelle Galaz
Picture editor
Bonnie Weigand
Editorial co-ordinator
Emily Rattenbury
National sales manager
Patrick Campbell
National group sales manager
Brigitte Guerin
NSW sales director
Joanne Clasby
Associate publisher
Ewen Page
Publisher
Cornelia Schulze
CEO
Nick Chan
Published by Bauer Media, part of the
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Please see page 40 for Privacy Notice.
27
 THE CENTREFOLD
SHEELA | 23 | CAIRNS, QLD

OS BY MET-AR
I
F THERE’S ever been a more
dinky-di spunk in the pages of
People mag, we can’t remember her.
Sheela is a barmaid who can drink
any customer under a table, then hop on
the back of a ute and down a pig or roo
with deadly accuracy with a rifle. After
that, she’ll fuck some lucky stud. They
build ’em tough and gorgeous in Cairns!

WHAT’S happening in FNQ, Sheela?

“Not much – just drinking and hunting
– and looking hot while doing them.
Ha! It may be winter but it’s warm as
buggery in Cairns, so I can still get
around in my favourite gear, a singlet
and skimpy shorts.”
 SHEELA
Which do you enjoy more, boozing
or shooting pigs?
“I can’t decide which I enjoy more! I’m
mates with a few guys who drink at the
pub where I work. After I knock off, we’ll
get stuck into the XXXX or Bundy and
cola. They’ll end up legless, but I’ll still
be going strong. I think it’s hilarious I can
out-drink most fellas I know.”
What happens next?
“We’ll hop in a mate’s ute and head out
of town to go spotlighting. I usually hop
on the tray and bag a couple. I don’t like
to brag but I’m pretty deadly with a rifle
– I learned how to shoot from my dad
when I was a kid.”
It’s a handy skill to have – like, er,
cooking and knitting. Does handling
a gun make you randy?
“It gets my adrenalin pumping and I’ll

‘SHOOTING PIGS
MAKES ME HORNY’
feel a bit toey. Usually, I’ll just grab one
of my mates, take him home and we
fuck for hours. Guys also love it when
I give them head and let them blow on
my tits afterwards.”
What are the most orgasms you’ve
had in one sesh?
“Three! Can you believe it? But I needed
help from my favourite vibrator. I let this
guy fuck me from behind while I teased
my clit with the vibe. I came so hard the
last time that I almost fainted.”
You probably needed a cold beer
afterwards to recover.
“I had a couple, actually, then I was ready
for another round, although my friend was
pretty shagged. But that’s my motto in
life: go hard or go home!”
 CENTREFOLD

Sheela
AUGUST 29, 2016
 ‘I TEASED
MY CLIT
WITH THE
VIBRATOR’

WIN
$1000
BY MODELLING
IN PEOPLE
See pg63 for details
 UL
BO OU
L-
N TM
BRAIN

US
AG
Exercise the grey matte
and score big bucks!

0 1

53 6

96

104 1

7 7

77 7 7

20 2 07 5

21 2 21 2 217

s out and off we go, readers!

 #18
THE BEAST AUG. 29
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14

15 16 17 18 19 20

21 22

23 24 25 26
B
27 28 29

A C
30 31 32 33
MES 

34 35

36 37

38 39 40 41 42 43
AIN GAM

44 45 46 47

48 49 50 51

52 53 54 55 56
MES  BRA

57 58 59 60 61 62

63 64

65 66 67 68 69

70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77
MES  BRAIIN GAM

78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87

88 89

90 91 92

93 94 95

96 97 98 99 100

101 102 103 104

105 106 107

108 109 110 111

RAIN GAM

112 113 114

115 116 117 118 119 120

121 122 123

D F
124 125 126 127
N GAMESS  BR

128 129
E
130 131 132

133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141

142 143 144

ENTER TO WIN! NAME:

BRAIN

Fill in your name and address together with

a completed and correct Beast crossword ADDRESS:
grid and post to: The Beast No. 18,
c/ – People magazine, GPO Box 5507,
Sydney, NSW 2001. Entries close on
Friday, September 16 at 5pm. POSTCODE: PHONE:
 BRAIN
101. Disruptive weather 11. Health spring 79. Blasphemous

N GAMESS  BR
WIN $250
feature (2,4) 12. Female pirate played 80. Fledgling or chick
103. Root vegetables by our beauty in the 81. Data
105. Rock concert film at 116 across 82. Dead Or Alive song,
106. Old photo colour 13. 2016 instalment – Me Round (Like
107. Garden implement of a global franchise A Record) (3,4)

FORTNIGHTLY! 108. Claim in which our beauty 83. Neck rub

110. That’s OK stars alongside Chris 84. Poker stake
112. Menagerie Pine and Zachary 85. Pale flat bean
113. Recede Quinto, Star Trek – 86. Bashful behaviour
Solve the clues of this crossword and release our beauty 116. Our beauty appears 14. Conscription 87. Interim
from the clutches of The Beast. The clues set in a in the Jack Sparrow 16. Disgrace 91. Actor who plays Caius
different typeface are all related to the enslaved star fantasy adventure 20. Black-masked in the Twilight movies,
pictured in the centre of the puzzle. Pirates Of The US mammal – Bower (5,8)

RAIN GAM
Caribbean: Curse 24. Berlin song from Top 95. Blue-blooded
Of The Black – Gun, Take – (2,6,4) 97. Medicine measure
118. US annual football 25. Bright Chinese flower 98. Pic E star who is
ACROSS 48. Epic sci-fi directed final, – Bowl 28. Construes confronted by our
1. Construction science by James Cameron 121. Put into bondage 29. Disapproving looks beauty in the film
6. Piers and starring our 123. Spanish-born painter 31. Eyes Wide Shut at 116 across
10. Renewable beauty, which is 125. Rodgers and Hart actress married to for stealing her
15. & 53 across. Jurassic set in the mid-22nd musical starring Rita Keith Urban (6,6) ship years before,

MES  BRA
World star (Pic A) century on the Hayworth and Frank 33. Enhancements Johnny –
who plays Peter Quill lush tropical Sinatra (3,4) 39. Munch 99. & 132 down. Our
– a half human, half moon Pandora 126. Tenor, – Domingo 40. 46-string instrument beauty joins Kirk and
alien – in the film 50. Seventh, –, ninth 128. Greener 41. Roman dress Spock in this 2009
starring our beauty 52. Moose 129. Rejected article (4-3) 42. Help (criminal) sci-fi adventure (4,4)
at 5 down 53. See 15 across 130. “Are we there –?” 43. Shrewish woman 102. Linkin Park single,
17. Cole Porter song, 56. Hearing organ 132. Chevy Chase and 44. Romcom starring What – Done (1’2)
– Kick Out Of 57. Exhibited John Cusack comedy, Bernie Mac as our 104. Grovel
You (1,3,1) 60. Thwart Hot – Time Machine beauty’s father, 109. See 5 down
18. More chic 63. Acclaimed German 133. Make amends who’s unimpressed 111. Marching in
when she brings her

AIN
19. Play documentary maker, 134. Teen drama about unison (2,4)
20. The R of RAF – Wenders a group of young boyfriend home (5,3) 112. Our beauty (3,7)

N GAM
21. Copacabana Beach 64. Born as dancers, including 47. Sci-fi film starring our 114. Our beauty lends
is there 65. Degree our beauty, who beauty as part of the her voice to the
22. Fluffy stole 68. Agatha Christie’s successfully make USS Enterprise team, animated musical
23. Move from economy Murder On The it into the American Star Trek Into – comedy about
to business class – Express Ballet Academy and 49. Composer, Wolfgang a young man who

MES  BRAIN GAM

26. Rises up 70. Harrison Ford and their ensuing trials – Mozart faces his fears
27. Character played by Brad Pitt thriller, and tribulations, 51. Hurry, – it when he embarks
our beauty, who’s one The Devil’s – Centre – 54. Bing Crosby, Dorothy on an adventure
of the Na’vi clan in 72. Quays 136. Front tooth Lamour and Bob across three worlds,
the film at 48 across 74. Sticky sweets 139. Supplementary Hope comedy The – (4,2,4)
29. Plume 76. Anti-terrorist group 141. Indian capital, New – about two castaways 115. Murphy Brown star,
30. Our beauty plays GNN (1,1,1) 142. Critically acclaimed sold into slavery – Bergen
reporter Angie Jones 78. Lettuce variety drama about an to a beautiful 117. Russell Crowe
who dies in an 80. Taryn Manning, our older married princess (4,2,7) romance about a man
explosion in this beauty and – Spears couple dealing 55. British sitcom who inherits a French
political action thriller (Pic C) are best with separation with Alf Garnett, vineyard (1,4,4)
starring Dennis Quaid, friends who take a and Alzheimer’s – Part (4,5,2,2) 119. Comedy drama
– Point cross-country road disease (4,4,3) 58. Prove starring Mark Ruffalo
32. Suffer (over) trip in Crossroads 143. Hiccup 59. Pic D star who and our beauty,
34. Occur next 83. Kirk Douglas’ son 144. Commemoration co-starred with Infinitely – (5,4)
35. Romantic drama 86. Actor who plays Jake our beauty in the 120. Blamed
starring Bradley Sully, our beauty’s DOWN films at 114 & 140 122. Steamed coffee
down, Diego –
MES 
Cooper as Rory, a love interest, in the 1. News scoops 123. Affirm
character who finds film at 48 across, 2. Car shed 61. Shredded 124. Our beauty’s orphan
fame after discovering – Worthington 3. Confirmation 62. Daunts alien character in the
a manuscript in a 88. Koreans and Chinese 4. Animated film series 66. Highly skilled film at 5 down who is
briefcase, and our 89. Enhance with Sid, Manny and communications a personal assassin
beauty as his wife, 90. Curve Diego, – Age officer played by our 127. Ugly elf
The – 92. Smart-mouthed and 5. & 68 & 109 down. beauty in the films 131. Remake of a French
36. Marsupial pouch headstrong ballerina Our beauty joins a at 13, 47 & 99 down thriller, starring
37. Mine shaft played by our beauty team of intergalactic 67. Hurries our beauty, Clive
38. Separate out (wheat) in the dance film criminals who unite 68. See 5 down Owen and Mila Kunis,
42. Two And A Half Men at 134 across to save their world 69. Kelly Clarkson album, Blood –
star (Pic B) who plays 93. Mia Farrow, Jeff in this superhero All – Wanted (1,4) 132. See 99 down
our beauty's love Daniels and Diane film based on the 71. Pay court to 135. Contented sigh
interest in the film at Keaton film about Marvel Comics 73. Preceding day 137. Cradle
44 down, – Kutcher growing up in 1940s characters (9,2,3,6) 75. French yes 138. Profusion (of)
44. Coagulate Queens (5,4) 6. Cuban currency 77. Battery size (1,1,1) 140. In The Terminal,
45. Nuclear weapon (1-4) 94. Draw (in chess) 7. Glee actress, 78. Magic Mike actor our beauty is
46. Luke Wilson, Will 96. Indisposed – Michele who plays our an immigration
Ferrell and Vince 97. Extinct birds 8. Deed beauty's best friend officer for whom
Vaughn comedy, 100. Beyoncé hit, 9. Belgrade native in the film at 114 – Hanks plays
– School – Were A Boy (2,1) 10. Mixer drink (4,5) down, – Tatum matchmaker (Pic F)

The June 6 winner is A. Humphries June 20 Beast See page 40 for terms and conditions and the privacy notice. Send the completed Beast to us
of Narrogin, WA. solution page 38 by the closing date. All correct entries will go into a draw and the first drawn will win $250.
 OZ’S
BIGGEST
MAXI X-WORD

Found- Sharp Epidermis Pessimistic

ation knock
Fodder Heed Academy Bustle Yes
Awards
Fellows
Fully Elliptic Portent Price
hikes
Pasture French no
Repose
Photos Jet-bath
Alcoholic Symbol Coagu- Intelli- Baby Pagan
brew Cider fruit Job lates gence whale statue
Severely
Scented Titled
Bleat bag Snooze Milan folk Electrical
units
Swiss Local Exhila-
MES 

cottage regu- Bladder rating Reckless Always

lations
Group of Family Ugandan Mi, ~, soh Distress Milder
notes Bobcats Worships Henpeck vehicle capital signal
Include (1,1,1) Quarrel
Dub Ferociously Novel, Undoing Hands Swab Bored, Ugly
AIN GAM

Bell
Treasure ~ chimes (out) ~ up sights
Himalayan Advan- Glorified
monster Help tage Jumpier Towelled Hornets
Sillier
Shook Bequeath
Possess Oversight Cushier (finger) Questions
Pigments
Tyranno- Succumbs Less Astound-
MES  BRA

saurus~ cluttered I am, we ~ Festivals Cove ing

Expire Mythical Jingling
Man- Stage reptile Nappy Cosy Bullocks Total
servant homes
Reply Decree Stabbed Sister’s Stretches Golf
(1,1,1,1) daughters across mound
Inter- Confine Louvre Water
Low dam Cutshort
hair rupting
cough Praised section boiler
Dressed Male deer Recounts Sell Peace False- Big hole
pacts hood
MES  BRAIIN GAM

Fight Admin- Encore Abolishes Kiosk Flood-

against istered bank
Shielded Happens Shelled
Neck Spookier gastropod Umpires
warmer again
~, skip & Stories Internet Minimise Horror Swine NYC’s ~
jump letter enclosure Building
(6,5)
Sugar- Hush- News Zoo’s
Scamp Open sore coated Scurry hush agency physician
founder Frost
Behold Tug Shuts Typo Costlier ~ de
hard plume
Graceland Strangely Vestige Hot-air Church Crack
is there machine pinnacle
Latin Form
lover
Ireland
(7,4) Taxi (con- NZ glacial Mideast Vaccine Parrot
clusion) inlet nation
RAIN GAM

Levelled Scram! Truck Swoops Decay Saloon Fossil

fuel
Position New
indicators Zealander Trifled Revolves Discount

Spool Dismiss Send

Untruths back Speed
Revise contests
N GAMESS  BR

Hindu Honey Street Satire Spy Rave

gowns insects urchin show
Swapped Branch Musical, Dorks Adequate Stitch Roman X
Miss ~
Aural Legiti- Purpose Wading Conveyor Shoots The A of Tight
organ mate bird strips (at) AM
Craves, Judge’s Large Early
~ for garment Toot lake Deranged Chunk Toddler period
(5,3)
Chest Food
Relieved intake Paint the Actual
Must, ~ to bone sigh Evil Respect ~ red Fool profit
File suit Circuit
~ the lily Light
Tubing Universal brown
BRAIN

Stickers
Gifted Alterna- Ontario Adult
tively city goslings
Chin India’s Debu-
Ooze inden- Taj ~ tantes Little Curbs Intensity March
tation
 BRAIN
Queuing Boast Pink wine Heating Through Pixie

N GAMESS  BR
(6,2) coil
Zilch Isolated Cavalry Metal
weapon pen-point Expert
Before Slither Enlist Blubber Tub
now
Queasy Exploit STD digits
Burst ~ Vegas Sports
team Comfort (4,4)
Cedar or Cure Seoul Window Ancient
Jewel Peruvian Cricket Painter’s Black-
oak natives glass extra tripod guard
Improper Flee to Uproar Thin bottle Futile Outcome Muscle
Coral wed part (attempt) Steel joist twitch
hazard Mentions Reminder

RAIN GAM
Thrust Peruse Expressed Hogwash Also Prefer Find
(anger)
That lady Movie Picnic Bonfire Greek/ Dutch
Catches ~ Paulo hero, Provoked Sautes pest residue Turkish city, The ~
Beret ~ Jones sea
Resound Bomber
Robust Sham Screw Putrid Woodland attacks Apiece
Klutz (3,5)
Mixer Clothing
Discipline Gregarious

MES  BRA
drinks Offal (animals) Perched Leer
Module
Splinters Serpent Gobbles Strong Fitted Marinate Suppress
string together
Kings & ~ Classi- Zodiac Cheese Ostrich
fieds ram Knot Thicker sauce cousin
Lyrically
Snowy Cling (to) Mimic
peak Wrong Ditched Duplicity Allege
Living
River, Take in Seasoned Stop Ticks over Tins

AIN
~ Grande (child)
First Beach Cash Coastal Sound

N GAM
woman Sup bonnet register midge boosters
Collection Monopo- Young Yacht Pronto
lise fowl Maiden canvases (1,1,1,1) Platform
Dawdle
Amid Trumpets Lose

MES  BRAIN GAM

Annoys loudly Mashed blood Dribble
Mis-
Mexican behaves Flatter, Cellars
Disfigure farewell (4,2) ~ up Onward
Chance Era Trans- Small
Affiliated birds Aka Slump
gressor
Popeye & Curled Mounted Pines Pup Apportion To & ~
Olive ~
Compan- Fluid
ion measures Skint Liberates Inferno Tenanted
Delve Obli- Highway Baked Kins- Worrywart
Beginning gations fees dough woman Castigates
Capital of Premium Hurried Fashion Army car Nordic Fatigues
Sicken countries
Portugal
Thread Hobby Vim Hues Calls Clogs Court

MESS 
room (of owl) (up) panellists
Kindling Publi-
cised Speaks Bawls Inherited
Encour- Micro- Gangway Water- Note-
Kidney fat books
aged phone hole
Sign-light Sunrise Produces Door lock Pageantry Event site
gas coins
Wrath Soar Slacker Grubby Middle Nods
(head) Submit
Obliterate FortbarKnox Snow
crystals Prance
Dove
sounds Coxswain Develop Owing
Discol- Crockery Battery Biblical Irk Surfaces Choose Crazy
oured item segment craft (road)
Viscose Isn’t able
Finished fabric Punt to (3’1) Oily fish ~Plant,
vera Faucet Buck’s
mate
Knack Sunbeam
Father Curt Card- Very keen
TURN
board box PAGE FOR
Dispatch Harvester Swindles W. Indies’ ENTRY
Puerto ~ DETAILS
SEE PAGE 40 FOR

Boys Cranky Tears Circle Voice Sing TERMS & CONDITIONS

portion type lullaby Counters Benefit
BRAIN RAIN GAM
N GAMESS  BR MES  BRAIIN GAM AIN GAM
MES  BRA MES 
 #18
AUG. 29 MOVIECROSS

BRAIN
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

N GAMESS  BR
WIN $150
FORTNIGHTLY! 10 11 12 13 14
The clues in bold relate
to a famous film – the 15 16
picture gives you a hint
which one. The first 17 18
correct entry drawn
after the closing date 19
wins the cash!

RAIN GAM
20 21 22 23 24

ACROSS 25 26
1. Surfing (internet)
5. Great happiness 27 28
10. See 30 across
11. Maritime vessels 29

MES  BRA
14. Made dog sounds
17. Remove kinks from 30 31
18. Movie hero, – Jones
32

33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41

42

AIN
43 44

N GAM
45 46 47 48 49

MES  BRAIN GAM

50 51

19. TV station
20. Elude 2. Revolved around 26. Chasm 41. Hysteria rock group, Def –
22. Reside 3. With 43 down. This week’s 29. Sound boosters
27. Melbourne rugby league club film (7,5) 32. See 5 down
28. Projectile 4. Poison with fumes 34. Reshape
30. With 10 across, 5. With 32 down, 35. Petrol bomb, – cocktail
Harley Quinn (6,6) Boomerang (3,8) 36. With 50 across,
31. Greg Norman’s nickname, 6. Coach Enchantress (4,10)
“The –” 7. Shunned 37. Tense situation
33. Be off! 8. Puff up 38. The Great Gatsby actor,
40. Greeting word
42. Qantas or Virgin
9. Olympic gymnast, – Comaneci – Colosimo
39. Disgraced ex-president
43. See 3 down
46. Pitcher
MESS 
of FIFA, – Blatter 47. Whisky flavour
40. Plagued by spirits 48. Apply gently

MOVIECROSS ENTRY COUPON

Solve the Moviecross correctly and you could win $150! Send the completed
crossword to: Moviecross No. 18, c/– People magazine, PO Box 5536,
Sydney, NSW 2001.
43. Not unalike
44. Chubbier
45. Refresh NAME:
46. With 24 down, The Joker (5,4) 12. Crocodile Dundee star, Paul –
49. Sieve ADDRESS:
13. Grand or upright
50. See 36 down 15. Hankering
51. 1999 Adam Sandler 16. With 25 down,
comedy (3,5) Deadshot (4,5) POSTCODE: PHONE:
21. Southern US state
DOWN 23. Social services Moviecross entries close September 16. Answers to be printed November 7.
1. Will Ferrell’s Anchorman 24. See 46 across
character, Ron – Winner to be printed November 21. See page 40 for T&Cs and the privacy notice.
25. See 16 down
 PUZZLES
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SUDOKU TERMS & CONDITIONS

Entry is open to residents of Australia aged 15 years and over. Employees of the Promoter
and their immediate families and agencies associated with this promotion are ineligible
MES 

to enter. Entrants under the age of 18 years must have prior parental or legal guardian
consent to enter.
This issue’s Beast/Moviecross/Swirl-A-Sleb promotion opens August 15 and closes
September 16.The draw will take place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000
AIN GAM

on September 23 at 11am (AEST/AEDST when applicable).Winners will be notified by

mail using the contact details on their entries and their names will be published in
People magazine on November 21.
This issue’s Maxi promotion opens July 18 and closes September 16.The draw will take
place at Bauer Media, 54 Park St, Sydney, NSW 2000 on September 30 at 11am (AEST/
AEDST).The winner will be notified by mail using the contact details given in their entry
MES  BRA

and their name will be published in People magazine on November 7.

The judges’ decision is final and binding on all who enter and no correspondence will
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Enter by correctly completing the relevant crossword/puzzle during the promotional
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MES  BRAIIN GAM

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SWIRL-A-SLEB WIN $100

1 2 FORTNIGHTLY!
RAIN GAM

SOMEONE has taken these celebs and messed with their

heads. Can you unswirl their faces and identify them?
First correct entry drawn after the closing date wins $100!

1
2
N GAMESS  BR

HINT: Controversial T20 Windies cricketer. HINT: The Great Aust. Spelling Bee co-host.
3
4
3 4
Clip out this coupon – OR PHOTOCOPY THIS PAGE – and send to:
Swirl-A-Sleb No. 18, c/– People, PO Box 2860, Sydney, NSW 2001.
NAME:
ADDRESS:

POSTCODE: PHONE:
BRAIN

HINT: Next First Lady of the United States? HINT: 2015 Melbourne Cup-winning jockey. Swirl-A-Sleb entries close September 16. Answers to be printed
November 7. Winner to be printed November 21. See page 40
June 20 answers: 1. Amanda Keller, 2. Shaun Micallef, 3. Grant Denyer, 4. Edie Falco, 5. Peter for terms and conditions and the privacy notice.
Dutton, 6. Jenna Jameson, 7. Bryan Cranston. June 6 winner: A. Doncon of Shepparton, Vic.
PORN WATCH SPECIAL Our no-holes-barred round-up of adult entertainment

TRIPLE-X TWITTER
The cream of the
adult film world tell
us what (and who)
they’re doing!

ROCKETTE
Everyone’s Raven about this fur-lovin’ femme!
“Big vegetables
make me hot.” THE clear star of Adam & Eve’s scene with Jade Nile (below). had any experience before porn.
– @theharleyjade Bringing Back The Bush is Are you a lesbian in real life? I’d fingered a girl but that was
(Harley Jade) Raven Rockette, who’s leading “I’m bi. I do have a boyfriend about it.”
a new movement of SEX-MAD but I like girls sometimes.” How do you like your on-screen
SORTS who keep the razor away When was the first time you dyking? Are you a hands-on gal
from their thatches. We ran our rooted a chick? or do you prefer toys?
fingers through the 22-year-old’s “The first time I had sex with “I don’t mind it either way. Toy
hair and asked her a few Qs. a girl was in porn. I never really play can be fun ’cos we can feel
the sensation of a dick and also
HAVE you always had THICK
PUSSY HAIR in your four-year
career, Raven?
‘FOR FUN, have our mouths on each other.
But I’m perfectly fine just using
my tongue and my hands.”
“I began with a full bush and
hairy labia, but more recently I WRITE What are your biggest sexual
turn-ons, Raven?
“The words
‘hibachi’ and
‘hitachi’ are too
I’ve started trimming my bush
a little.” MUSIC, “I used to think it was just boobs,
but after touching Sinn Sage’s

close...wanna
know why?
But not too much. In this triffic
new flick you enjoy a red-hawt SMOKE ass I have to say the butt is one
of my favourites.”

Because they’re
a couple of the GANJA AND
greatest things on
earth.” – @bambi
brooksxoxo
PLAY WITH
(Bambi Brooks)
MYSELF’

“Can you
masturbate
ELEVEN times
today?!”
– @vickyvette

44
 ‘WAITER,
THERE’S
A HAIR IN
MY TWAT!’
CAN you smell it, people? No, not
the delightful odour of FRESHLY
FUCKED PUSSY – it’s the smell
of REVOLUTION.
Some X-rated superstars are
giving THE COLLECTIVE FINGER
to razors, waxing and laser
removal, and allowing their
snatches to grow wild and free.
And it’s about time!
We love a HIRSUTE HONEY
HOLE and so do the makers of
Bringing Back The Bush, which
features the pubic jungles of
Ela Darling (below) and friends.
If you like hetero humping,
lezzo lust and solo scenes – with
gorgeous gals showing off what
Mother Nature intended them
to groom – this porno’s for you!
We just hope Bringing Back
The Bush inspires more purdy
l dies to ditch their .
Furburgers forever!

BRINGING
BACK THE
BUSH
Starring: Raven
Rockette, Sarah
Vandella, Kasey
Warner, Jade Nil
Ela Darling
Made by:
Adam & Eve
Release date:
out now
FUNNY SHIT WIN!
$20 LETTERS $50 PICTURES
“A hole in one is every golfer’s dream,”
JOKES came the reply. The golfer drove his ball Fur crying out loud
sweet as a nut, it skipped and bounced, A GRIZZLY BEAR and a rabbit were
then plopped straight into the hole. walking together along a jungle track.
A lot of hot air “A hole in one! I can’t believe it!” The bear suddenly stopped and said,
TWO little boys are sitting on the beach
examining each other’s navels.
cried the ecstatic golfer.
“I leave you now as an improved
BEST “Excuse me, old man. Call of nature,

“What are they?” asked Timmy.
“Well, when you’re born there’s a piece of
rope hanging out there. And they cut it off
and twist the end around and tape it inside,”
Eddie replied.
“What for?” asked Timmy.
“So you won’t go psssshhhhhhhhhhhh
and go down.”
Mick, NSW
Driving ambition
AN IRISH golfer wasn’t very good at the
game, which he found pretty frustrating.
One day, a leprechaun magically appeared
and said, “I’ll help you become a greater
golfer, but every time you do, you’ll have to
give up part of your sex-life.”
The golfer agreed.
“Firstly, it’s time you sank a ball in par,”
said the leprechaun, “and the cost is one
week of celibacy.”
So off the golfer teed off at a par three
hole and sank his ball in three shots.
A month later, the golfer was on his local
course when the leprechaun appeared
before him again and said it was time to
achieve a birdie.
“But,” the wee fella added, “the penalty
will be eight weeks of celibacy.”
The golfer agreed, then teed up on a par
four hole. Three shots later, he had a birdie.
Another month went by and the pair met
once more. The leprechaun said, “Today,
m’boy, a hole in one. But you’ll have to give
up shagging for a year.”
golfer,” smiled the leprechaun, “and JOKE
thanks for being a good sport about
the whole celibacy thing. Before I go,
what’s your name?”
The guy grinned, “I’m Father O’Flaherty.”
Moira, SA
Speedy recovery
THOROUGHLY fed up with her husband’s
persistent snoring, a woman called on the
family doctor to ask if there was anything
he could do to relieve her suffering.
“Well,” said the doctor, “there’s one
operation I can perform that’ll cure your
husband, but it’s rather expensive.”
“What is it?”
“I’ll buy him a new sports car with just the
one down payment.”
“A new sports car? How will that help cure
my husband’s snoring?”
“Well, he won’t be able to sleep at night
for worrying about how he’s going to pay for
the rest of the damn thing.”
DD, NSW
Out of tune
Q. WHY did the big orchestra
disband?
A. Excessive sax and violins.
CP, Qld
Doggone it
A MAN was reported to the animal welfare
authorities for feeding Viagra to his Labrador.
y’know,” and left the track.
He came back a few minutes later
and they both continued their walk.
“Tell me,” the bear said after they’d
walked a bit further, “are you rabbits
bothered by shit sticking to your fur?”
“Not at all, dear fellow,” the rabbit
replied. “It doesn’t affect us at all.”
“That’s good,” said the bear.
So he picked up the rabbit and wiped
his arse with it.
Brer Fox, Vic
Send your gags to Funny Shit, c/- People,
GPO Box 2860, Sydney, NSW 2001, or email
it to people@bauer-media.com.au (include
Funny Shit in the subject line).
The man’s now banned from keeping any
pets – and the Labrador is now a pointer.
Fido, Qld
10 things NOT to say
during sex
1. “You woke me up for that?”
2. “Sure this is my first time…today.”
3. “On second thought, darling, let’s turn
off the lights.”
4. “I thought YOU had the keys to the cuffs!”
5. “Man, that ceiling needs painting!”
6. “Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died
in this bed?”
7. “Wow! You’re good enough to do this
for a living!”
8. “You give me reason to conclude that
foreplay is overrated.”

THE GAG REEL The best one-liners from professional jokers

PABLO FRANCISCO JANEANE GAROFALO JOHN OLIVERR

“Remember when you were “I prefer to see the ‘DEMOCR RAACY
young and you thought dark side of things.
your dad waas The glass is a ays IS LIKE
EA
Superman?? And half empty. TAMBOUR RIINE.
then you grrew up
and realised he
And cracked.
And I just cuut
NOT EVERYONE
was just a ddrunk my lip on it. CAN BBEE
who wore And chippedd TRUSTE EDD
a cape.” a tooth.” WITH ITIT’
46
9. “Did I mention my sex-change operation?”
FOR MORE FUNNY PICS, GO TO
10. “Say hi to my grandma. She’s always
wanted to do a threesome.” CAUGHT IN THE NET FACEBOOK.COM/AUSSIEPEOPLE
Andrew, Qld

Flying high
AN OLD drunk was wandering around an
airport terminal with tears streaming down
his face.
“What’s the problem?” asked an airline
employee.
“I’ve lost all my bloody luggage,” sobbed
the drunk.
“How did that happen?”
“The cork fell out.”
BQ, WA A sensible bar stool for kilt-wearing Scots

Drug-rats
Q. WHAT do you get when you
cross LSD with birth control?
A. A trip without the kids.
JP, Tas

Make it rain
DUE to a glitch at the airport, Taylor Swift
and Kim Kardashian were forced to share
the same limo to get to the Grammy Awards.
When they reached a busy city street,
Call store security! She’s got some melons
Taylor pulled out a $1000 note and said, Man’s best frenemy stuffed down her top!
“I’m going to throw this $1000 note out the
window and make someone very happy.”
Not to be outdone, Kim pulled out a
$1000 note, ripped it in half, then threw it
out of the window, gushing, “Look, I just
made TWO people really happy!”
Red, Vic

Money matters
A SCOTTISH lad and lass were sitting on a
hill in the Scottish Highlands. They’d been
silent for a while when the lass turned to
him and said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit embarrassed, but finally
he said, “If you must know, I was thinking
how nice it would be if you gave me a kiss.”
So she pecked him on the cheek.
Afterwards, he once again lapsed into
a pensive mood, prompting her to ask,
“What are you thinking now?”
To which the lad grumbled, “Well, I was
hoping you hadn’t forgotten that penny.”
FN, Qld

Algebra ha-ha
Q. WHAT’S a mathematician’s
favourite place in New York?
A. Times Squared. You think Caitlin Jenner’s confused? Take a look at her dog!
SP, NSW

47
 MAMMARY LANE
MARIE-CLAUDE | CANADA | THE CENTREFOLD, MARCH 7, 2011

Busty bab
e had the
hardest-w
orking ba
ps in the
biz!
FEMME FACTS
CANUCK Marie-Claude
Bourbonnais isn’t just
a huge pair of tits,
she’s also a talented
cosplayer and a
crackin’ nude pin-up.
But her boobs can’t
be ignored, especially
in the shower: “They
are soft, warm and
addictive – cradling
a man’s attribute
between them is fun.”
MARIE-CLAUDE | CANADA | THE CENTREFOLD,
C MARCH 7, 2011

‘WHEN I’M
TURNED
ON I LIKE
ALMOST
ANYTHING’
 IMPORTANT!
Send entries to: Win!, c/- People

WIN STUFF! magazine, GPO Box 2860, Sydney,

NSW 2001. Entries close 5pm,
Friday, September 16.

Seth: trashed again

BAD NEIGHBOURS 2
Universal Sony, rated
MA, out August 25,
RRP: $39.95
(DVD)/$44.95 (Blu-ray)
What’s the guts? Mac
and Kelly have a second
bub coming and have
decided the time is right
to move to a larger
house. But their dreams
of selling their current
home are dashed when
they learn their new
next-door neighbours are
a bunch of wild sorority
sisters. Fearing the
ladies’ loud, boozy antics
will affect their ability
to sell, the desperate
couple reluctantly enlist
the help of their former
neighbour and old enemy
Teddy to take on the
outta-control sorority.
Anything else? Seth
Rogen, Zac Efron and
Rose Byrne return from
the first comedy and this
time are joined by Chloë
Grace Moretz, who plays
Shelby, the leader of
Kappa Nu. Even with bad
boy Teddy’s assistance,
can Mac and Kelly win
the battle against these
sorority sluggers?
Final word: Fight for your
right to party.

THE good neighbours at Universal Sony have sent us FIVE DVDs for this
Reasons We Love contest. To get yours, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE about the worst
Booze #37: It’ll help
even Zac Efron get laid
WIN! neighbours you’ve ever had. The five most nightmarish answers will
receive a copy. Mark your entries “Bad Neighbours 2 comp”.

Guns For Hire

Eagle Entertainment,
rated MA, out August 24,
RRP: $29.95 (DVD)
What’s the guts?
Lovely loner Beatle has
“assassin” listed as her
occupation – hell, she
even has an infomercial
on local television. She
rarely mixes with other
folk except her regular
sessions with her psychiatrist and
weekly visits from a hooker. But
one night, she meets a suicidal
blonde on the run from a crazy
Narcos
killer. Beatle’s strange life is about
to get a whole lot weirder.
Anything else? A quirky
cast led by Australia’s own
Ben Mendelsohn seem
hell-bent on turning Guns
For Hire into a “cult” film.
They might just succeed
as this violent thriller with
a black comedy streak
features plenty of twists and turns.
Final word: Another hard day’s
night for Beatle.
Defiant Screen Entertainment, rated
MA, out August 23, RRP: $49.95
(DVD)/$59.95 (Blu-ray)
What’s the guts? This
fictionalised tale about the
rise and fall of Colombian
narcotics overlord Pablo
Escobar will blow your mind
harder than a nose full of
cocaine. It’s an inside look
at the tough bastards from
the Colombian Government who, with
assistance from US DEA agents,
risked their lives to stop the cocaine
trafficker and destroy his evil empire,
the Medellin cartel.
Anything else? This drama
is a balls-to-the-wall, not-
for-the-squeamish look at
the war that changed the
drug trade forever. Escobar
and his colleagues were
arrogant, rich and crazy,
but their violent way of life
eventually came under
threat from the long arm of the law.
Final word: Pass the straw and the
ammunition.

THE high-flying Eagle crew have provided FIVE DVDs for this COURTESY of our buddies at Defiant, we have FIVE DVDs of season one of
comp. To enter, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE the last thing Narcos to hand out. For your chance to win, just tell us IN ONE SENTENCE
WIN! you hired and why. The five most rent-worthy answers will win WIN! the last time you narced someone out to the authorities (or your folks).
a copy. Mark your entries “Guns For Hire comp”. The five narkiest answers will score a DVD. Mark entries “Narcos comp”.
 MODEL
CITIZENS
Where local girls do
their nude duty!

SUGAR | Brisbane IVY | Perth

CHLOE | Logan
MISHSKA | ENGLAND

BEATRICE | Stirling

16 nude babes from your ’hood!

MODEL CITIZENS
‘I LOVE
COLOURFUL
INK...LIKE THE
PHOENIX’
AMY | 30
ENGLAND
Tell us about your epic tatt.
“I’ve always loved colourful Japanese
ink – especially the phoenix.”
Does it give the fellas a shock?
“Every time – I tend not to tell them
until they see it for the first time.”
What’s the last wild thing you did?
“It’d probably be this photo shoot.”
Were you wilder in your 20s?
“I’m more confident now, which allows
me to follow my wild heart with…
urm, confidence!”
Cool beans, Amy! Do you have any
unfulfilled fantasies?
“Just one…but I’ll have to leave you
guessing.”
54
PICS BY GAVIN FOSTER
ELAENA | 25
SINGAPORE
G’day! What brings you Down Under?
“I’m studying international business
and having a great time in Oz!”
Awesome. Do you party like a good
student should?
“I’m more of a homebody and prefer
cooking dinner and watching movies
on weekends.”
And getting your root on?
“Not really – I have a boyfriend but he
doesn’t fuck me much.”
Outrageous! Do you like cunnilingus?
“Oh yes, I love it – and I love giving head
in return, too.”
Have you ever eaten vagina?
“Not so far.”

EVA | 30
SPAIN
What are you keen to try in bed?
“I haven’t been with two guys yet.”
What’s Barcelona life like?
“We have the sun, sea and the
freedom to swim naked.”
Perfect! Do you party all night like
the locals?
“I’m more a ‘meet with friends and chat’
kinda girl and don’t party too often.”
If you were bi, what’d be your type?
“A curvy gal with big breasts. Someone
very different to me, basically.”
Had any crazy dreams lately?
“I dreamt I met a new boyfriend’s buds
while I was dressed in a short skirt,
stockings and no panties.”
‘I’M FOR REAL
MEN...THERE’S
NOT MANY
OUT THERE’
PICS BY LES DWIGHT
SUGAR | 25
Brisbane | QLD
Explain to the readers your philosophy
on sexuality, mate.
“I’m all for men. REAL men. And there’s
not many out there these days.”
Harsh. Do ladies ever chat you up?
“Girls ask me out ALL the time.”
Interesting. Which tattoo is the most
personal, Sugar?
“I don’t have a favourite – I own myself
and all the tatts belong to me.”
Righto. Which was the most PAINFUL?
“The one on the palm of my hand. Out
of 10, it hurt 1000!”
Ouch! And the first one you ever got?
“I had ‘This too shall pass’ written in
Arabic on my wrist.”
55
MODEL CITIZENS
MISHKA | 20
ENGLAND

Whaddya doing for coin, Mishka?

“I’m a nightclub waitress right now, but
I’m up for anything and everything – like
this photo shoot!”
You have pretty exotic looks!
“I’m yet to meet another Chinese-
Jamaican-English person and guys
like that.”
Do you prefer older guys?
“It’s more attractive for a man to know
what he wants from you. I like being told
what to do. It turns me on.”
Tell us a good shagging yarn.
“I had sex on a plane from Laos to
Vietnam. We just couldn’t wait and had
to do it!”
Wildest thing you’ve ever done?
“Probably a threesome in a sauna with
French brothers.”

TOP
TRAVELLER!

‘I HAD SEX
ON A PLANE
FROM LAOS
TO VIETNAM’

56
 PICS BY SIMONE DAVIS

‘I’M A
REAL-LIFE
VIDEO GAME
CHARACTER’

MIRIANA | 22 PRINCESS | 20
ENGLAND Melbourne | VIC

How was your outdoor shoot? How would you describe your quirky
“It was fun and different; we shot in a self, Princess?
quarry!” “I’m a real-life video game character
Fantastic. See any pervs? who might look sweet and innocent,
“There were a couple of people but we but is actually a fierce BITCH!”
just explained it was a nude mag shoot.” Whoa, look out! What kind of guys
You dig rooting outdoors as well? are you into?
“Yeah – sex in the bush turns me on.” “The kind who can morph into a robot.”
Noice. Your rose tattoos are pretty Wouldja do a bukkake gang bang?
awesome, Miriana. “Bukkake isn’t my thing…but tentacle
“Thanks, I love them. They let people monsters are.”
know I’m sweet but also potentially Last new sexual thing you did?
dangerous.” “Nothing’s new to me. I’m a freak!”
Just how we like our women. And the Goals for the rest of this year?
chick ink? “The only achievements I need are the
“That’s actually a tattoo of ME.” ones on my Xbox.”

57
MODEL CITIZENS
PICS BY DIVE’N DYLAN

‘I HAVE A
FELLA IN BED
WAITING FOR
ROUND TWO’

TATTS
AWESOME

CHLOE | 21
Logan | QLD

You sound hung-over, Chloe!

“Yeah, that’s because I am.
Stripper life – you can’t beat
it.”
Tell us about it.
“We went out after work
and just kept smashing the
drinks down until sunrise.”
Did you at least brush your
teeth when you made it
home, mate?
“Nah – and I didn’t even
have a glass of water. It
probably explains why I feel
so shitty.”
How good is hangover sex?
“It’s better than drunken sex
– and I currently have a fella
in bed waiting for round two.”
Happy rooting!
“Yeah, see ya.”
IVY | 23
Perth | WA ‘I BLEW MY
BOYFRIEND
Do you give blowjobs? WHILE HE WAS
“Oooooooh, I do. I definitely do.”
Tops. Anywhere in particular?
DRIVING’
“I like the surprise gobby – like
the time I performed on my
boyfriend while he was driving
down a highway.”
Did he pull over before blowin’
his taddies?
“Nah, he just kept on driving and
PIC BY LES DWIGHT

eventually blew on the steering

wheel.”
What’s your favourite hangover
food, buddy?
“Zambrero Mexican – they do
these awesome burrito bowls.”
Can you tell us your ultimate
dream job, Ivy?
“I’m LIVING the dream as a
skimpy waitress.”
MODEL CITIZENS RETRO
CITS!
SARAH
USA
April 26, 2010
WE’VE always had
a soft spot for sexy
BEAUTY American gals like
Melbourne, VIC Sarah, who’s
April 26, 2010 managed to hook
up with at least ONE
BEAUTY’S a lil’ Aussie legend: “He
beauty who LOVES had porn on the
giving head! “The telly by the time I
feedback’s been had my clothes off.”
good – I like to suck
hard and use my
hands a lot.” And
THAT’S why she’s
called Beauty!

SAMI
Cairns QLD
Dec. 21, 2009
THIS FNQ brunette
might look innocent
but she has a VERY
naughty side: “I’ll do
anal as a special
treat for my man.” As
for oral? Sami gives
it AND swallows!
 PHIA
MANY
Febr ry 18, 2013
‘ HE in Rome’ as
they s . Or, in this
aulein’s case,
Surfer : “I took a job
as a eter maid for
six we ks. It was a
lot of ffun!” Yeah,
espe ally for the
ok checking out
r arse!

ASHLEY
Brisbane, QLD
January 11, 2010
IT SOUNDS like
Ashley’s eyes are
bigger than her, urm,
MOUTH! “I once
LEE-LAH hooked up with a
guy whose cock was
Sydney, NSW SO wide I couldn’t
December 21, 2009 fit it in my mouth.”
At least she tried!
LEE-LAH would be the
root of a lifetime: “I
wanna have group sex
with two guys, three
girls and me. The idea
of having a couple of
girls sucking off each
bloke’s a turn-on.”
MODEL CITIZENS
BEATRICE | 19
Stirling | SA

Is it hard getting a root when you still

live at home with your folks?
“Nah, not at all – it just means you need
to get creative and think outside the box
when getting inside MY box.”
Do you wait until Mum and Dad are out
doing the shopping?
“I just have a root in my neighbours’
backyards when I know they’re out.
I haven’t been caught yet. Who’d dob
ME in anyway?”
Not us! You sound experienced for
a chick who ain’t even 20.
“I’ve got a good couple of decades of
rooting in me and there’s a lot I still want
to try. However, it’s very important to play
sensibly.”
Like not letting a bloke blow his seed
up your fanny, Beatrice?
“Exactly – I don’t want kids for at LEAST
10 more years. That said, I’d make a
fucking hot MILF.”
You’d also make a great cougar! Are
you a student or working full-time?
“I just work casual shifts at a bottle shop.
It’s pretty boring but I get 5% discount.”

CITIZEN
OF THE
WEEK
 BECOME A
MODEL CIT JUST
‘I ROOT IN MY
NEIGHBOURS’
YARDS WHEN
LIKE BEATRICE!
THEY’RE OUT’ Hey, ladies! Pose topless and you’ll score
a cool $100. Get completely starkers
and receive $150! Citizen Of The Week
receives $400!
Our favourite Model Citizens have the
chance to pose again as a Harem or
Centrefold model and score up to $1000!

OFFICIAL MODEL CITIZENS

ENTRY COUPON
SEND this coupon to: Model Citizens, c/-
People, GPO Box 2860, Sydney, NSW 2001.
Once we receive it, we’ll put you in touch with
one of our ace photographers, who’ll take
lovely pics for use in our mag!
■ Yes, I want to be a Model Citizen (please
tick). I hereby give People the right to use
my photos on the internet, and on MMS,
SMS or DVD.
■ I am over 18 years of age and attach a
photocopy of photo ID (eg. driver’s licence).

NAME:

ADDRESS:

PHONE (Home):

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SIGNATURE:

By signing this agreement, I signify I have

read, understand and agree to be bound by
the important terms and conditions below.
Important terms and conditions:
1. I acknowledge and agree that the publisher of People magazine, Bauer Media
(Bauer), its licensees or assigns may publish or authorise the publication of the
pictures of me in any layout or format, in whole or in part, without restriction as to
changes or alterations made from time to time and accompanied by any text and/
or graphics it chooses without further reference to me.
2. I hereby assign to Bauer Media the worldwide copyright to the photographs and
acknowledge that Bauer Media may exercise all of the rights of the copyright owner in
respect of the photographs, including using or licensing the publication of the photos in
other publications and using or licensing the publication of the photographs in any
format including (but not limited to) DVD, MMS, CD-ROM or the internet.
3. I release Bauer Media, its employees, agents, related companies and assigns from
all actions, suits, causes of actions, claims and demands whatsoever which I may
have at any time in connection with the photographs or arising from or relating to
their publication in print or electronic media, including and liability by virtue of any
blurring, distortion, alteration, context or otherwise, including (but not limited to) any
action for defamation.
4. I acknowledge that persons sending Model Citizens photos without the written

✂
permission of the subject will be liable to criminal prosecution.

63
EMMY | 18 | MOSCOW, RUSSIA

PHOTOS BY MET-ART
FEMME FACTS
EMMY likes to act, so who
are her thespo inspirations?
“You’ve probably never
heard of her, but I was
spellbound when I first saw
Anna Karina. She was a big
French star in the 1950s
and 60s and she was just
COOL. And so beautiful.
I want to be just like her.”
 THE HAREM
EMMY | 18 | MOSCOW, RUSSIA

‘MY
ORGASMS
ARE VERY,
VERY REAL’
W
HETHER it’s on the stage
or in the bedroo my
loves to role-play and
she’s very good at it.
The 18-year-o d model/actress has
scored some t parts on Russian T
shows and ev landed parts in a few
ads. But her finest acting came when
she dressed a GP and played
“Doctors & N ses” with her boyfrien

HEY Emmy. you get recognised

in the street now you’re famous?
Haha…I woul n’t say I’m famous, bu
a couple of p ople have stopped me
when I’m out nd asked, ‘Are you t
girl from so-a -so?’ No-one’s asked
for an autograph yet
We will! Wha at’s the funniest thing
that’s happe d to you on a se
“Not on a set, but I’ve done a lot o
theatre and…well, I don’t know if th
is funny or te ible…”
We’ll be the udge of that.
“OK. I was in play where I had to
a silly dance a d spin around the stage.
The director t d me to improvise, so I
n around like mad a
started whirlin
one of my flail ng arms hit another actor
in the face. S stumbled forward and
tumbled off t e edge!”
Oh jeez. Wa she hur
“Only her dignnity. We lifted her back on
stage and car ied on as if nothing h
happened. Af r the performance was
over, however, she yelled at me an
had me fired from
f the play.”
That’s a bloo y shame. Still, pret
funny, eh?
“Oh yeah. I g ess me corpsing – alon
with the audi nce pissing themselves
– probably didn’t help my cause
Does your b riend appreciate
your thespi talent
“Yes, especia ly when we role-pl
in the bedroo . I do a great doctor
who has to gi m)
a physical ex mination. I even
have a steth cope...but the
clothes don’t ”
Acting goes t the window
at that stag Em?
“It’s pure me d acting at
that point. My orgasms are
very, very rea ”
TRUE
I RECENTLY gott dumped by my
girlfriend. Whenn she explained
the importance of an open
relationship, I thought she
meant we could d go out and root
whoever we wanted and be
back in time for tea.
Turns out she e was talking
about honesty. Oh well…
Here’s what h happened.
I was out one FFriday
night with my m mate
Mac, who’s always
done well with tthe
ladies. We were e
hooning around d in
his Commodore e and
not getting up tto
much, until he
spotted some ggals
in a car park neear
a nature reservve.
hese
“Let’s suss th
chicks out,” Macc
went.
said, so off we w
There were foour
of them and,
except for the
designated drivver,
they were prettyy
maggoted on go oon.
Chanelle was 2 21
and sported a b big
set of juicy orbss,
which I love.
We passed ro ound the
goon bag for an n hour,
while I tried to impress the
chicks with a feew jokes.
When there w was a pause
in the convo. Chanelle
leaned over to me and
whispered, “Wa anna walk
me behind the bushes?
I need to take a piss.”

It wasn’t much of a come-on,
but once we were in the scrub
she had my peen out and was
polishing me up till I was hard,
so I wasn’t complaining.
“You like big breasts, eh?”
she burbled, with drool and
my pre-come dribbling from
her bottom lip.
With that, Chanelle flopped
’em out, pulled me to the ground
and SHOVED MY FACE INTO HER
CHEST. We were worried about
‘SHE POLISHED being busted, so I lay back while
Chanelle popped a franger on my
UP MY DICK stiffy, then rode it while I fondled
TILL I WAS her funbags.
I hadn’t planned on telling my
ROCK-HARD’ missus about the shag, but at
some stage during our sexual
frenzy, I accidentally butt-dialled
her and she heard the whole
thing. She even went so far as
to break up with me by text
while I was STILL balls deep
inside Chanelle.
Not that I knew that at the
time as I squirted my muck.
So now I’m single, although
my big-titted friend Chanelle
occasionally visits to keep
MY DICK CLEAN.
Conrad, Qld

68
 D IN A YARN AND
ORE $50!
t it to: True Blue Confessions
Peeople magazine, GPO Box 2860,
Sydney, NSW 2001.
Or email your filthy story to
people@bauer-media.com.au!
UST FOR
LOOD
SOME ETIMES, I get nose bleeds
when I’m heaps anxious…
like when I’m having sex with
a chicck for the first time.
My worst-ever experience
happe ened when I was an
18-year-old virgin and getting
servicced from a gal well-known
as THE TOWN BIKE.
Amber and another loose
mate of hers had been invited
to my mate Joel’s place as his
parents were away.
At s
some stage Amber
grabbed my hand and led me
to a bedroom where she pulled
down my tracksuit pants and
starteed sucking on my wang.
I wa
as stoked anyone would
want tto lick on MY ICE-CREAM
MACH HINE. It was my first time
and I couldn’t wait to pop.
Thaat’s when I noticed drops
of blood on the bed sheets.
LI Y
MACHINE’
Herr eyes were shut so I
grabb a pillow and tried to
grabbed
wipe up the shit that was
pouring out of my nose, praying
she wouldn’t open her eyes.
It was only after I’d cum that
Amber’s eyelids flickered open
and she peered at my bloodied
face in horror.
She screamed and swore,
then bolted from the house.
Joel was not pleased either
as he had a helluva time
washing the blood out of his
parents’ sheets!
VD, Qld
HANDY WOMAN
AFTER a divorce and 20 years
working in finance I decided to
make a fresh start and become
a massage therapist.
It was my friend Diane who
suggested it – she reckoned
I could earn $90 an hour with
a few tips along the way.
“How would I get tips then?”
I asked her while driving back
from a Woolies groceries run.
“Ah, you know, sometimes
you go topless and now and
then you chuck in a handjob.
A man’s never fully relaxed
until he’s BLOWN HIS WAD.”
There was no sex involved,
and it seemed like easy money,
so I decided to do it…but only
if the guy had a nice bod and
his cock was a thing of beauty.
Which was the case with
Craig. I was so impressed from
the get-go with his meat-stick
SEX GAME CHANGER
MY IDEA to have a threesome
backfired somewhat last
month. I’d been dating a feisty
blonde named Andrea who’d
bring up the topic of bringing
in another woman whenever
we were drunk and perving at
gals in clubs and pubs.
Like any bloke the mere
thought of two chicks wrestling
for my knob is enough to make
me WHITE-WEE IN MY PANTS!
One night, I surprised
Andrea by pulling a spunk and
telling her our fantasy. We all
got along great and Stef was
up for the plan, so we downed
our drinks and went back to
our flat. The clothes came off
straightaway and I could tell
they were both into it.
The session began with
them kissing and groping each
other on our bed, then groping
each other some more.
And more…which is around
the time I stepped in and
‘I CAREFULLY
MASSAGED
AROUND HIS
ANGRY COBRA’
that I gave him more than just
a handie. For the occasion,
I grabbed some olive oil and
lovingly greased his bod.
I carefully massaged around
his ANGRY COBRA, rubbing his
thighs while staring at his
magnificent nine-inch beast.
“My dick’s feeling a bit sore…
er, if you could help with that,”
Craig said. At first he was
nervous, but as I fondled and
kneaded his manhood – first with
demanded some service: “Are
you guys gonna concentrate on
me or what?”
They laughed and proceeded
to give me A DOUBLE HANDJOB
by way of apology. Two hands on
my balls and another two on my
tocko – it was SENSATIONAL.
Things got even better when
Stef climbed onto my face with
Andrea at the other end.
I just wished I could see them
making out, but I was too busy
eating Stef’s shaved pussy.
I climaxed soon after and fell
asleep pretty quick. But when
I woke up, Andrea and Stef were
my hands, then my hungry
mouth – he calmed right down.
I wanted Craig to root me
with his KING KONG DONG,
so I quickened the pace of
my licking and sucking till
he shot his salty jism.
“We’re not done yet,” I
purred, and gently tended to
him. After 15 minutes it was
back to full size and girth.
I guided him into my pussy.
Minutes later, I grabbed his
arse as we orgasmed as one.
Needless to say, I was so
happy with Craig’s rod that
I’ve taken him off the market
so I can give him all the free
massages (and ROOTS) that
I want. I’m a businesswoman,
though, so I still dish out the
occasional handjobs at work.
Belle, NSW
‘THEIR HANDS
ON MY
TOCKO FELT
SENSATIONAL’
missing so I decided to go
find them. And I did – 69ing
each other on the sofa!
I spied on them for 15
minutes and cranked out a
thick stream of spoof onto
the living room floor as they
squirted on each other.
Two weeks later Andrea
confessed she’d fallen in
love with Stef and said our
relationship was over.
It’s not all bad, but – I DID
get to have a bloody brilliant
threesome first.
Trev, Qld
69
 THE BACK DOOR

envy
KLEIO | 30 | THE CENTREFOLD, MARCH 28

BUTT
WHAT part of a woman’s body gets
you the hottest, Kleio Valentien?
“I like chicks’ ARSES!”
Who doesn’t, right?
“I think it’s probably ‘cos I don’t
have a huge arse, so that’s why
I like BIG BUTTS.”
Well, we cannot lie… we’d love
to plough your poop-chute!
“I’ve done a lot of anal in my
private life…it feels so good.”

‘ANAL
SEX FEELS
SO GOOD’

NEXT ISSUE ON SALE AUG. 29