Manipulation is defined as a deliberate thought process.

Not behavior, but thought. A cognitive, shrewd, artful planning, setting into
motion a plan, an idea and make that idea a reality. Scientists manipulate genes, lab rats
and additional parameters, skillfully and deliberately, not as a reflex. When the mind is
skill fully forming specific algorithmic (step by step) instructions, then we can call this
manipulation.
Manipulation is a response, not a reaction. Knee-jerk is a reaction. Again, we go
to the definition of the word. Manipulation is defined as a thought process, not a
behavior process. Behavior is only the product. Manipulation is a set of behaviors
whose goal is to:• Get you what you want from others even when the others are not
willing initially to give it to you.• Make it seem to others that they have come up with an
idea or offer of help on their own when in reality you have worked on them to promote
this idea or need for help for your own benefit.• Dishonestly get people to do or act in a
way which they might not have freely chosen on their own.• "Con'' people to believe
what you want them to believe as true.• Get "your way'' in almost every interaction you
have with people, places, or things.• Present reality the way you want others to see it
rather than the way it "really is.''• Hide behind a "mask'' and let people see you in an
acceptable way when in reality you are actually feeling or acting in an ``unacceptable''
way for these people.• Maintain control and power over others even though they think
they have the control and power.• Make other people feel sorry for you even though it
would be better for them to make you accept your personal responsibility for your own
actions.• Get away with not having to do the things necessary to meet your obligations,
responsibilities, and duties in life.• Involve everyone in your life's problems so that you
do not have to face the problems alone.• Keep everything the same so that the "status
quo'' is not affected or changed.• Make others feel guilty or responsible for actions or
thoughts which are yours alone.• Get others to feel like they are responsible for your
welfare so that you do not have to make a decision or take responsibility for anything
that goes wrong in your life. Often the person who seeks therapy is experiencing
feelings of fear, insecurity or other severe inner conflicts. The individual is frequently
overwhelmed by the amount of anxiety with which he has to deal and is overpowered to
the point that he cannot function adequately in his daily living (Psalm 55; Luke 21:34).
In an attempt to relieve the pain this anxiety causes, people engage in a variety of
behaviors. One such behavioral expression is that of destructive manipulation
(DMB).Anxiety, as a symptom, is a component of almost every mental-health disorder
and generalized anxiety is widespread. In order to relieve this internal pressure, the
individual may feel compelled to do something without understanding why he is doing
it, perhaps by engaging in DMB. This is his way of decreasing anxiety and his attempt
to gain mastery over himself and his environment. Many therapists believe that some of
the factors that subsequently lead to anxiety and the use of DMB are related to
• Fear of close relationships; • the desire to be liked by everyone; • Distrust of others; •
Difficulty in forming meaningful interpersonal relationships; • the inability to gain and
maintain self control with a sense of personal integrity; • A poorly defined repertoire of
coping mechanisms; • Decreased acceptance of rational authority; and• Unsatisfied love
needs. These therapists also believe the use of destructive manipulative behavior
decreases the anxiety because it brings an individual the attention he desires behaving
his immediate needs met. According to the research literature, DMB carries with it a
heavy negative weight and is defined as an interpersonal behavioral process designed to
meet one's needs or goals by exploiting and/or controlling the behavior of others without
regard for their rights, needs or objectives (Phil. 2:3-4).Research reveals there are two
forms of destructive manipulative behavior:(1) overt - aggressive, hostile behaviors
directed against or toward others and/or oneself and(2) covert - passive behavior that
attempts to control others or to get needs met in an indirect manner Two Basic Types of
Aggression There are two basic types of aggression: overt-aggression and covert-
aggression. When you're determined to have something and you're open, direct and
obvious in your manner of fighting, your behavior is best labeled overtly aggressive.
When you’re out to "win," dominate or control, but are subtle, underhanded or
deceptive enough to hide your true intentions, your behavior is most appropriately
labeled covertly aggressive. Now, avoiding any overt display of aggression while
simultaneously intimidating others into giving you what you want is a powerfully
manipulative maneuver. That's why covert-aggression is most often the vehicle for
interpersonal manipulation. Acts of Covert-Aggression vs. Covert-Aggressive
Personalities Most of us have engaged in some sort of covertly aggressive behavior
from time to time. Periodically trying to manipulate a person or a situation doesn't make
someone a covert-aggressive personality. Personality can be defined by the way a
person habitually perceives, relates to and interacts with others and the world atlarge.The
tactics of deceit, manipulation and control are a steady diet for covert-aggressive
personality. It's the way they prefer to deal with others and to get the things they want in
life. The Process of Victimization1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. Our gut
may tell us that they’re fighting for something, struggling to overcome us, gain power,
or have their way, and we find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive. But because
we can't point to clear, objective evidence they're aggressing against us, we can't readily
validate our feelings.2. The tactics manipulators use can make it seem like they're
hurting, caring, and defending, almost anything but fighting. These tactics are hard to
recognize as merely clever ploys. They always make just enough sense to make a
person doubt their gut hunch that they're being taken advantage of or abused. Besides,
the tactics not only make it hard for you to consciously and objectively tell that a
Manipulator is fighting, but they also simultaneously keep you or consciously on the
defensive. These features make them highly effective psychological weapons to which
anyone can be vulnerable. It's hard to think clearly when someone has you emotionally
on the run.3. All of us have weaknesses and insecurities that a clever manipulator might
exploit. Sometimes, we're aware of these weaknesses and how someone might use them
to take advantage of us. For example, I hear parents say things like: "Yeah, I know I
have a big guilt button." – But at the time their manipulative child is busily pushing that
button, they can easily forget what's really going on. Besides, sometimes we're unaware
of our biggest vulnerabilities. Manipulators often know us better than we know
ourselves. They know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-
knowledge sets us up to be exploited.4. What our gut tells us a manipulator is like,
challenges everything we've been taught to believe about human nature. We've been
inundated with a psychology that has us seeing everybody, at least to some degree, as
afraid, insecure or "hung-up." So, while our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless
conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath."
What's more, most of us generally hate to think of ourselves as callous and insensitive
people. We hesitate to make harsh or seemingly negative judgments about others. We
want to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they don't really harbor the
malevolent intentions we suspect. We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for
daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character. Recognizing
Aggressive Agendas Accepting how fundamental it is for people to fight for the things
they want and becoming more aware of the subtle, underhanded ways people can and
do fight in their daily endeavors and relationships can be very consciousness expanding.
Learning to recognize an aggressive move when somebody makes one and learning
how to handle oneself in any of life's many battles, has turned out to be the most
empowering experience for the manipulation victims with whom I've worked. It's how
they eventually freed themselves from their manipulator's dominance and control and
gained a much needed boost to their own sense of self esteem. Recognizing the inherent
aggression in manipulative behavior and becoming more aware of the slick,
surreptitious ways that manipulative people prefer to aggress against us is extremely
important. Not recognizing and accurately labeling their subtly aggressive moves causes
most people to misinterpret the behavior of manipulators and, therefore, fail to respond
to them in an appropriate fashion. Recognizing when and how manipulators are fighting
with covertly aggressive tactics isessential.Defense Mechanisms and Offensive Tactics
Almost everyone is familiar with the term defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms
are the "automatic" (i.e. unconscious) mental behaviors all of us employ to protect or
defend ourselves from the "threat" of some emotional pain. More specifically, ego
defense mechanisms are mental behaviors we use to "defend" our self-images from
"invitations" to feel ashamed or guilty about something. There are many different kinds
of ego defenses and the more traditional (psychodynamic)theories of personality have
always tended to distinguish the various personality types, at least in part, by the types of
ego defenses they prefer to use. One of the problems with psychodynamic approaches
to understanding human behavior is that they tend to depict people as most always
afraid of something and defending or protecting themselves in some way; even when
they're in the act of aggressing. Covert-aggressive personalities (indeed all aggressive
personalities) use a variety of mental behaviors and interpersonal maneuvers to help
ensure they get what they want. Some of these behaviors have been traditionally thought
of as defense mechanisms. While, from a certain perspective we might say someone
engaging in these behaviors

is defending their ego from any sense of shame or guilt, it's important to realize that at
the time the aggressor is exhibiting these behaviors, he is not primarily defending (i.e.
attempting to prevent some internally painful event from occurring), but rather fighting
to maintain position, gain power and to remove any obstacles (both internal and
external) in the way of getting what he wants. Seeing the aggressor as on the defensive
in any sense is a set-up for victimization. Recognizing that they're primarily on the
offensive, mentally prepares a person for the decisive action they need to take in order to
avoid being run over. Therefore, I think it's best to conceptualize many of the mental
behaviors (no matter how "automatic" or "unconscious" they may appear) we often
think of as defense mechanisms, as offensive power tactics, because aggressive
personalities employ them primarily to manipulate, control and achieve dominance over
others. Rather than trying to prevent something emotionally painful or dreadful from
happening, anyone using these tactics is primarily trying to ensure that something they
want to happen does indeed happen. Using the vignettes presented in the previous
chapters for illustration, let's take a look at the principal tactics covert-aggressive
personalities use to ensure they get their way and maintain apposition of power over
their victims: 1. Denial – This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've
donesomething harmful or hurtful when they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to
themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive intentions. This "Who...Me?"
tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel unjustified in
confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior. It's also the way the
aggressor gives him/herself permission to keep right on doing what they want to do.
This denial is not the same kind of denial that a person who has just lost a loved one and
can't quite bear to accept the pain and reality of the loss engages in. That type of denial
really is mostly a “defense" against unbearable hurt and anxiety. Rather, this type of
denial is not primarily a "defense" but a maneuver the aggressor uses to get others to
back off, back down or maybe even feel guilty themselves for insinuating he's doing
something wrong. In the story of James the minister, James' denial of his ruthless
ambition is massive. He denied he was hurting and neglecting his family. He especially
denied he was aggressively pursuing any personal agenda. On the contrary, he cast
himself as the humble servant to a honorable cause. He managed to convince several
people (and maybe even himself) of the nobility and purity of his intentions. But
underneath it all, James knew he was being dishonest: This fact is borne out in his
reaction to the threat of not getting a seat on the Elders' Council if his marital problems
worsened. When James learned he might not get what he was so aggressively pursuing
after all, he had an interesting "conversion" experience. All of a sudden, he decided he
could put aside the Lord's bidding for a weekend and he might really need to devote
more time to his marriage and family. James’ eyes weren't opened by the pastor's words.
He always kept his awareness high about what might hinder or advance his cause. He
knew if he didn't tend to his marriage he might lose what he really wanted. So, he chose
(at least temporarily) to altercourse.In the story of Joe and Mary, Mary confronted Joe
several times about what she felt was insensitivity and ruthlessness on his part in his
treatment of Lisa. Joe denied his aggressiveness. He also successfully convinced Mary
that what she felt in her gut was his aggressiveness was really conscientiousness, loyalty,
and passionate fatherly concern. Joe wanted a daughter who got all A's. Mary stood in
the way. Joe's denial was the tactic he used to remove Mary as an obstacle to what he
wanted.2. Selective Inattention – This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for
denial it’s when the aggressor "plays dumb," or acts oblivious. When engaging in this
tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or wishes of

others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might
distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well
what you want from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior.
By using this tactic, the aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of
paying attention to or refraining from the behavior you want him to change. In the story
of Jenny and Amanda, Jenny tried to tell Amanda she was losing privileges because she
was behaving irresponsibly. But Amanda wouldn't listen. Her teachers tried to tell her
what she needed to do to improve her grade: but she didn't listen to them either. Actively
listening to and heeding the suggestions of someone else are, among other things, acts of
submission. And, as you may remember from the story, Amanda is not a girl who
submits easily. Determined to let nothing stand in her way and convinced she could
eventually "win" most of her power struggles with authority figures through
manipulation, Amanda closed her ears. She didn't see any need to listen. From her point
of view, she would only have lost some power and control if she submitted herself to the
guidance and direction offered by those whom she views as less powerful, clever and
capable as herself.3. Rationalization – A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to
offer for engaging in an inappropriate or harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic,
especially when the explanation or justification the aggressor offers makes just enough
sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall for it. It's a powerful tactic
because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor might have
about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but
also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in
whatever he's doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference. In the story
of little Lisa, Mary felt uneasy about the relentlessness with which Joe pursued his quest
to make his daughter an obedient, all-A student once again. And, she was aware of Lisa's
expressed desire to pursue counseling as a means of addressing and perhaps solving
some of her problems. Although Mary felt uneasy about Joe's forcefulness and sensed
the impact on her daughter, she allowed herself to become persuaded by his
rationalizations that any concerned parent ought to know his daughter better than some
relatively dispassionate outsider and that he was only doing his duty by doing as much
as he possibly could to "help “his "little girl." When a manipulator really wants to make
headway with their rationalizations they'll be sure their excuses are combined with other
effective tactics. For example, when Joe was "selling" Mary on the justification for
shoving his agenda down everyone's throat he was also sending out subtle invitations for
her to feel ashamed (shaming her for not being as "concerned" a parent as he was)as
well as making her feel guilty (guilt-tripping her) for not being as conscientious as he
was pretending to be.4. Diversion – A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a
manipulator down or try to keep a discussion focused on a single issue or behavior we
don’t like, he's expert at knowing how to change the subject, dodge the issue or in
someway throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and diversion techniques to
keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves free to
promote their self-serving hidden agendas. Rather than respond directly to the issue
being addressed, Amanda diverted attention to her teacher and classmates’ treatment of
her. Jenny allowed Amanda to steer her off track. She never got a straight answer to the
question. Another example of a diversion tactic can be found in the story of Don and Al.
Al changed the subject when Don asked him if he had any plans to replace him. He
focused on whether he was unhappy or not with Don's sales performance – as if that’s
what Don had asked him about in the first place. He never gave Don a straight answer to
a straight question (manipulators are notorious for this). He told him what he thought
would make Don feel less anxious and would steer him away

From pursuing the matter any further. Al left feeling like he'd gotten an answer but all he
really got was the "runaround."Early in the current school year, I found it necessary to
address my son’s irresponsibility about doing his homework by making a rule that he
bring his books home every night. One time I asked: "Did you bring your books home
today?" His response was: "Guess what, Dad. Instead of tomorrow, we're not going to
have our test – until Friday." My question was simple and direct. His answer was
deliberately evasive and diversionary. He knew that if he answered the question directly
and honestly, he would have received a consequence for failing to bring his books
home. By using diversion (and also offering a rationalization) he was already fighting
with me to avoid that consequence. Whenever someone is not responding directly to an
issue, you can safely assume that for some reason, they’re trying to give you the slip.5.
Lying – It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately,
there are times when the truth will out because circumstances don’t bear out somebody's
story. But there are also times when you don't know you’ve been deceived until it's too
late. One way to minimize the chances that someone will put one over on you is to
remember that because aggressive personalities of all types will generally stop at
nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and cheat. Another thing to
remember is that manipulators – covert-aggressive personalities that they are – are prone
to lie in subtle, covert ways. Courts are well aware of the many ways that people lie, as
they require that court oaths charge that testifiers tell "the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth." Manipulators often lie by withholding a significant amount of the
truth from you or by distorting the truth. They are adept at being vague when you ask
them direct questions. This is an especially slick way of lying' omission. Keep this in
mind when dealing with a suspected wolf in sheep's clothing. Always seek and obtain
specific, confirmable information.6. Covert Intimidation – Aggressors frequently
threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down position.
Covert-aggressive intimidates their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or
implied) threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favorite
weapons. Both are special intimidation tactics.7. Guilt-tripping – One thing that
aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different
consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be
the greater conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-
doubting, anxious, and submissive position. The more conscientious the potential
victim, the more effective guilt is as a weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use
guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a manipulative tactic, that I believe it
illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are compared to other
(especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the
conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person
immediately starts to feel bad. On the contrary, a conscientious person might try until
they're blue in the face to get a manipulator (or any other aggressive personality) to feel
badly about a hurtful behavior, acknowledge responsibility, or admit wrongdoing, to
absolutely no avail.8. Shaming – This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-
downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. Covert-aggressive uses
this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and therefore, defer to them. It’s
an effective way to foster a continued sense of personal inadequacy in the weaker party,
thereby allowing an aggressor to maintain a position of dominance. When Joe loudly
proclaimed any "good" parent would do just as he was doing to help Lisa, he subtly
implied Mary would be a "bad" parent if she didn't attempt to do

The same. He "invited" her to feel ashamed of herself. The tactic was effective. Mary
eventually felt ashamed for taking a position that made it appear she didn’t care enough
about her own daughter. Even more doubtful of her worth as a person and a parent,
Mary deferred to Joe, thus enabling him to rein a position of dominance over her.
Covert-aggressive is expert at using shaming tactics in the most subtle ways. Sometimes
it can just be in the glances they give or the tone of voice they use. Using rhetorical
comments, subtle sarcasm and other techniques, they can invite you to feel ashamed of
yourself for even daring to challenge them. Joe tried to shame Mary when I considered
accepting the educational assessment performed by Lisa's school. He said something
like: "I'm not sure what kind of doctor you are or just what kind of credentials you have,
but I'm sure you'd agree that a youngster's grades wouldn't slip as much as Lisa's for no
reason. You couldn’t be entirely certain she didn't have a learning disability unless you
did some testing, could you?' With those words, he "invited" Mary to feel ashamed of
herself for not at least considering doing Just as he asked. If Mary didn't have a suspicion
about what he was up to, she might have accepted this invitation without a second
thought.9. Playing the Victim Role – This tactic involves portraying oneself as an
innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's behavior in order to gain sympathy,
evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. One thing that covert-
aggressive personalities count on is the fact that less calloused and less hostile
personalities usually can't stand to see anyone suffering. Therefore, the tactic is simple.
Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they’ll try to relieve your
distress. In the story of Amanda and Jenny, Amanda was good at playing the victim role
too. She had her mother believing that she (Amanda) was the victim of extremely unfair
treatment and the target of unwarranted hostility. I remember Jenny telling
me:"Sometimes I think Amanda's wrong when she says her teacher hates her and I hate
her. But what if that's what she really believes? Can I afford to be so firm with her if she
believes in her heart that I hate her?" I remember telling Jenny:"Whether Amanda has
come to believe her own distortions is almost irrelevant. She manipulates you because
you believe that she believes it and allow that supposed belief to serve as an excuse for
her undisciplined aggression."10. vilifying the Victim – This tactic is frequently used in
conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The aggressor uses this tactic to
make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against) aggression on the
part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the defensive.
Returning again to the story of Jenny and Amanda, when Amanda accuses her mother
of "hating" her and "always saying mean things" to her, she not only invites Jenny to feel
the "bully," but simultaneously succeeds in "bullying" Jenny into backing off. More than
any other, the tactic of vilifying the victim is a powerful means of putting someone
unconsciously on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent and
behavior of the person using the tactic.11. Playing the Servant Role – Covert-aggressive
use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a more noble
cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard
on someone else’s behalf, covert-aggressive's conceal their own ambition, desire for
power,and quest for a position of dominance over others. In the story of James
(theminister) and Sean, James appeared to many to be the tireless servant. He
attendedmore activities than he needed to attend and did so eagerly. But if
devotedservice to those who needed him was his aim, how does one explain the degree
towhich James habitually neglected his family? As an aggressive personality,
Jamessubmits himself to no one. The only master he serves is his own ambition. Not
onlywas playing the servant role an effective tactic for James, but also it's the

cornerstone upon which corrupt ministerial empires of all types are built. A
goodexample comes to mind in the recent true story of a well-known tele-evangelist
wholocked himself up in a room in a purported display of "obedience" and "service"
toGod. He even portrayed himself' a willing sacrificial lamb who was prepared to
be"taken by God" if he didn't do the Almighty's bidding and raise eight milliondollars.
He claimed he was a humble servant, merely heeding the Lord's will. Hewas really
fighting to save his substantial material empire.Another recent scandal involving a tele-
evangelist resulted in his church'sgovernance body censuring him for one year. But he
told his congregation hecouldn't stop his ministry because he had to be faithful to the
Lord's will (Godsupposedly talked to him and told him not to quit). This minister was
clearlybeing defiant of his church's established authority. Yet, he presented himself asa
person being humbly submissive to the "highest" authority. One hallmarkcharacteristic
of covert-aggressive personalities is loudly professingsubservience while fighting for
dominance.12. Seduction – Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming,
praising,flattering or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower
theirdefenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covert-aggressives are
alsoparticularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy
anddependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered)
wantapproval, reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than
anything.Appearing to be attentive to these needs can be a manipulator's ticket
toincredible power over others. Shady "gurus" like Jim Jones and David Koresh
seemedto have refined this tactic to an art. In the story of Al and Don, Al is
theconsummate seducer. He melts any resistance you might have to giving him
yourloyalty and confidence. He does this by giving you what he knows you need most.
Heknows you want to feel valued and important. So, he often tells you that you are.You
don't find out how unimportant you really are to him until you turn out to bein his
way.13. Projecting the blame (blaming others) – Aggressive personalities are
alwayslooking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive behavior. Covert-
aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing soin subtle,
hard to detect ways.14. Minimization – This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled
withrationalization. When using this maneuver, the aggressor is attempting to assertthat
his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as someone elsemay be
claiming. It's the aggressor's attempt to make a molehill out of amountain.The negative
effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are that:• People will wake up
to your "con job'' on them and be no longer willing tosupport, assist, or help out when
you need them.• You will become more likely to believe your own "con'' stories and
fantasies andslip into a "pre-psychotic'' state with the inability to tell the
differencebetween the reality and fantasy in your stories and lies.• You will get caught up
in the need to continue to manipulate and con because itis the only way people will
respond to you since they won't be able to relate toyou as a "real'' or authentic person
because that side of you is rarely shown.• People will find it difficult to fully trust you in
the future and they willintentionally distance themselves from you for their own self-
protection.• You run the risk of loss of a healthy "conscience'' and you will not be able
tosee the wrongness of your lying, conniving and storytelling.• People will be hurt by
your behaviors because they will have opened themselvesup to you by believing your
"con job'' and then will be hit in the face by the

reality of your scam on them.• You run the risk of being the recipient of others' anger,
resentment, revengeseeking, hatred, or rage when they 'wake up'' to how they have been
manipulated,used and abused.• You will use up enormous amounts of emotional energy
in continuing your con ofothers and have little left to care for yourself.• You will
experience a greater degree of stress and anxiety as time goes on andyour con story line
becomes more complex and people begin to pick apart thefalsehood and dishonesty in
your story.• You will experience depression and an emptiness as you realize that all of
yoursuccess up to a point has been built like a "house of cards.''• Your low self-esteem
will be exacerbated because of the lack of ability to takepride in your hard honest work
to become everything you were capable of becoming.Mental health researchers believe
that all people are manipulators to some degree.Not all manipulators are awkward and
offensive, but those that are need to changetheir behavior to be more honest and
considerate of themselves and others(Ephesians 4:32). This results in actualizing
behavior. A person who isactualizing: trusts his feelings; communicates his needs and
preferences; admitsto desires and misbehavior; enjoys a worthy foe; offers real help
when needed; andis honestly and constructively assertive (Gal. 5:25-26).People who
engage in DMB usually believe that others are gullible and that it isall right to exploit
them to have their own needs met. They are willing topractice or attempt manipulation
and are highly skilled at doing so. For most itbecomes an art form—to see if they can
outsmart the other person. Unfortunately,people who engage in destructive manipulative
behavior are reluctant to seekprofessional help or to change their behaviors.Is change
possible?One of the most important things that can be done for a manipulative
individual isto assist him to gain a healthier sense of self-esteem and to learn how
toconstructively cope with the activities of daily living. There are many Scripturesabout
God's view of us, including Isaiah 49:1, 44:24, 43:4; Psalm 8; Matt. 6:26;John 14:2-3;
and Phil. 1:6. This individual will also greatly benefit frommeaningful opportunities to
develop trust in his interpersonal relationships.However, developing trust to the point
that he is willing to become open,vulnerable and to take risks is a goal that is not reached
overnight.The manipulative person also needs to be given the opportunity to
identifyunfulfilled needs that he is trying to get met through DMB. Once these needs
areidentified, it is important to explore alternative, less alienating methods ofhaving his
needs satisfied.Another responsibility of recovery is for the individual to learn self-
control(Gal. 5:13, 19-23; I Peter 5:6-10). Once his choices have been made, he needs
tobe given the opportunity to experience the consequences of those choices, eventhough
we would like to spare him this difficulty and pain. We must help him torealize that no
one is going to rescue him from the situation. However others canhelp by consisten-tly
affirming the individuals demonstration of self-control,healthy independence and
interdependence.Taking a course in assertiveness training can also prove beneficial to
themanipulative person. This will help him learn to use assertive behaviors infrustrating
situations and to be more aware of how to develop meaningfulrelationships with others
as is God's desire for us (I Cor. 13:4-7; Eph. 4:32).

Engaging in DMB can hurt us because it alienates us; it cuts us off from the Lord(Psalm
94:11, 19, 22). An individual's conscience becomes seared—which can lead tobehaviors
which he believes are OK but are contradictory to truth. The attitudethat condones the
practice of DMB can be changed providing the individual wantsthis and sees the need
for it to be corrected. Help to change is available if aperson engaging in destructive
manipulative behavior chooses to access it.Ways to eliminate manipulation in your
relationshipsIn order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you
cantry these steps:1. Identify what behaviors you are using in your relationships with
others inorder to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for you.2.
Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept personalresponsibility for
and which lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take careof for you.3. Identify your
feelings about the issues in your life that you manipulateothers to address or ignore.4.
Identify what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate others totake over the
responsibility for the issues in your life.5. Identify what new beliefs about these issues
would make you more personallyresponsible and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person.6.
Identify what fears block your taking personal responsibility for these issuesin your life
and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care of themfor you.7. Identify
new feelings about these issues, which would help you to be morerealistic and more
responsible as you face these issues.8. Identify new healthy, more productive coping
behaviors, which you can put intopractice that will help you to become more personally
responsible and lessmanipulative.9. Inform those people you have been manipulating to
take care of you that youare now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on
your own.10. Seek support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back
intomanipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you.11. Give
permission to the people in your life to "call you on it'' when you arefalling back into the
manipulative behaviors by which you try to control them totake responsibility for the
issues in your life.12. When you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation,
return to thefirst step and start over again.Steps to eliminating manipulation in your
lifeStep 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you first needto
identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or take overresponsibility
for your care and your problem life issues. To identify yourmanipulative behaviors, use
the Manipulative Behavior Inventory in the beginningof this chapter.Step 2: Once
you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get people todo things for you to
ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then needto identify who are the
people you manipulate. In your journal, identify thepeople you manipulate.Step 3: Why
do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues presentin your life that you
manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer the followingquestions about these
issues.A. How do you feel about each of these issues?B. Why do you feel a need to
manipulate others concerning these issues?

C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook?D. Which issues do you want
others to fix or change for you?E. Which issues do you want others to feel responsible
for?F. Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others?G. Which issues
depress you? Anger you?H. Which issues do you want to run away from?I. Which
issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with?Step 4: In your journal
now identify:A. What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each
issueidentified in Step 3?B. What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in
order to cope with andhandle these issues?C. What thinking keeps you from accepting
personal responsibility for yourproblems and issues?D. What new thinking do you need
in order to accept personal responsibility foryour own problems and issues?Step 5: In
your journal now identify what new, healthier, more productivebehaviors you need to
develop to address your problems and issues.Step 6: Implement these new
behaviors.Step 7: Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them
permissionto "call you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative ways.Step 8: If you
find yourself relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to getpeople to ignore or take
care of you, then return to Step 1 and begin over again.Forming a therapeutic
relationship and promoting responsible behaviorThe nurse must provide structure in the
therapeutic relationship, identifyacceptable and expected behaviors, and be consistent in
those expectations. Thenurse must minimize attempts by these clients to manipulate and
to control therelationship.Limit-setting is an effective technique that involves three
steps:1 . S t a t i n g the b e h a v i or a l limit (describing the
unacceptable behavior)2 . I d e n t i f y i n g t h e c o n s e q u e n c e s i f
the limit is exceeded3 . I d e n t i f y i n g t h e e x p e c t e d o r
d e s i r e d b e h a v i o r Consistent limit-setting in a matter-of-fact, nonjudgmental
manner is crucial tosuccess. For example, a client may approach the nurse flirtatiously
and attemptto gain personal information. The nurse would use limit-setting by saying,
“It isnot acceptable for you to ask personal questions. If you continue, I willterminate
our interaction. We need to use this time to work on your problem.”Confrontation is
another technique designed to manage manipulative or deceptivebehavior. The nurse
points out a client’s problematic behavior while remainingneutral and matter-of-fact; he
or she avoids accusing the client. The nurse alsocan use confrontation to keep clients
focused on the topic and in the present.The nurse can focus on the behavior itself rather
than on attempts by clients tojustify it. For example:Nurse: “You’ve said you’re
interested in learning to manage angry outbursts, butyou’ve missed the last three group
meeting.”Client: “Well, I can tell no one in the group likes me. Why should I
bother?”Nurse: “The group meetings are designed to help you and the others, but you
can’twork on issues if you’re not there.”

Medications for AggressionT a r g e t SymptomDrug of

C h o i c e A ff e c t i v e aggressionLithium, Anticonvulsants,
L o w- d o s e antipsychoticsP r e d a t o r y (hostility/
cruelty)Antipsychotics, LithiumO rg an ic -
likeCholinergic agonists, I m i p r a m i n e Ictal
aggressionCarbamazepine, Dilantin,
BenzodiazepinesRecommendation• Do recognize that almost everyone is capable
of some manipulative or controllingbehaviors from time to time - we all want to get our
way or win the argument. Butwhen you begin to recognize more than a few of the
above warning signs, it's timeto take a closer look at your relationship and decide
whether it's truly an equalpartnership.• Don't blow off the opinions of your friends and
family, they do have your bestinterests in mind. Do they tell you you're acting strange
lately? Do they commenton how different you seem - and not in a good way? Has
anyone you love and respectexpressed actual dislike? Ask yourself, "Is my (for
example) mum right about everyother thing, but wrong about this ONE thing - my new
girl?" And if more than oneclose family member or friend is expressing dislike of the
new romance, give moreweight to the negative opinions.• Key to this entire discussion
is the recognition that the establishment ofcontrol is subtle, and often occurs over time.
Controlling, manipulative personsare not born this way - they become this way. If you
began your relationshipbefore s/he had fully developed into a person like this, it would
be very hard torealize what was happening and how the relationship was beginning to
change yourlife negatively. The entire purpose of the article is to help you examine
yourrelationship for the warning signs and to (A) either seek help with your partneror
individually, or (B) validate your sense of things not being right, and helpyou decide
your next action on your own - without manipulation or control fromyour partner.•
Controlling persons often check out of the relationship before you do, even tothe point
of cheating on you. But still, when you've had enough, he or she willpitch a freaker as if
cut to the bone by your thoughtless abandonment. Just so youknow.• Don't be mean
about it. You don't have to be like him or her to get away. Justsay it's not a match and
you don't intend to continue the relationship. Period.Don't try pointing out all of the
above warning signs. This type of person won'trecognize him or herself. It's like trying
to teach a pig to sing - it wastes yourtime and makes the pig bitter.• Confess to your
friends and family - apologize to them for marginalizing themand disregarding their bad
opinion of this person. Tell them you wish you hadlistened to them. Get all the anger
and hurt out of your system - they will beonly too happy to share (they will rejoice when
you tell them you're through).• Speaking of bitterness, resist the temptation to be bitter
about the experience.You've just survived a very tough situation and lived to tell the tale!
• Go out with your friends, your family, and alone. Re-establish ties with allthose things
and people you left behind while your judgment was clouded."Do nothing out of selfish
ambition or vain conceit, but in humility considerothers better than yourselves. Each of
you should look not only to your owninterests, but also to the interests of others. Do
everything without complainingor arguing, so that you may become blameless and
pure, children of God withoutfault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you
shine like stars in theuniverse. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble,
whatever isright, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if
anything isexcellent or praiseworthy— think about such things