A Very Potter Musical - Libretto PDF

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A VERY
POTTER
MUSICAL
A STARKID PRODUCTION
Written by Matt Lang, Nick Lang, and Brian Holden

Music by Darren Criss and A.J. Holmes
*Transcribed, adapted and edited for performance by Samantha Crawford
Cast of Characters
HARRY POTTER
RON WEASLEY
HERMIONE GRANGER
GINNY WEASLEY
CHO CHANG
SUPER FAN 1/LAVENDER BROWN/REPORTER 1/DEATH EATER 1
SUPER FAN 2/PANSY PARKINSON/REPORTER 2/DEATH EATER 2
SUPER FAN 3/PARVATI PATEL/REPORTER 3/DEATH EATER 3
SUPER FAN 4/PADMA PATEL/REPORTER4/DEATH EATER 4
J.K. ROWLING/LUNA LOVEGOOD/BELLATRIX LESTRANGE
CEDRIC DIGGORY/CORNELIUS FUDGE/MOLLY WEASLEY/DEMENTOR
VINCENT CRABBE/DRAGON
GREGORY GOYLE/DRAGON/RUMBLEROAR
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM/DRAGON
DRACO MALFOY
ALBUS DUMBLEDORE
SEVERUS SNAPE
PROFESSOR QUIRRELL
LORD VOLDEMORT
ENSEMBLE: STUDENTS/DEATH EATERS
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Act 1
Prologue (for use with nonprofit or charity-based productions)
J.K. Rowling: Hello, I am J.K. Rowling, and I had absolutely nothing to do with this production.
(hold for applause) When I’m not working on my latest novel, doing charity work around the
world, or rolling naked in a bathtub full of money while plotting how to milk the last drop of
royalties from those Pottermore subscribers, I search the internet for anyone who might be
profiting off of my characters without my express permission or the permission of my legal team,
Scholastic Publishing, or Universal Studios Incorporated. Which is why I must remind you all
that (insert name of performance troupe)’s production of A Very Potter Musical is for charity,
and benefits (insert name of group or cause), which even the mudbloods at Scholastic and
Universal would have to admire. Additionally, since none of us would be here tonight without
the creativity of Matt Lang, A.J. Holmes and Darren Criss of the original Team Starkid (hold for
applause), we would like to give back to them just a little. If you feel moved to support original
and creative theatrical entertainment offered online and live across the country, stop by the
donation table and give a little change to Team Starkid. But most of all, remember why we’re
here tonight. It’s not just about Harry Potter… it’s about (insert name of group or cause). But
mostly, it’s about Harry Potter. So, with that in mind, sit back, relax, and-
Super Fan 1: Ms. Rowling! Ms. Rowling!
J.K. Rowling: Oh God. What is it?
(Four Super Fans run onto the stage in Potter regalia.)
Super Fan 2: We’re big fans of your work!
J.K. Rowling: I can tell.
Super Fan 3: We were wondering… could we ask you some questions about the books?
J.K. Rowling: (resigned) Yes, why not?
Super Fan 4: Okay, um… What did Dumbledore really see in the Mirror of Erised?
J.K. Rowling: (insert local or topical reference, i.e. “A more satisfying ending to the show
LOST,” “an IHOP at Hogwarts,” “four more seasons of Dr. Who,” etc.) Next?
Super Fan 2: How did Neville Longbottom get so sexy by the end of the series?
J.K. Rowling: Wizard magic. Next?
Super Fan 3: If you had any horcruxes, what would they be?
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J.K. Rowling: What? Me? Horcruxes? I don’t- oh, you said IF. Well, IF I had any Horcruxes,
and I’m not saying that I do, because horcruxes aren’t real, I would have to say… I don’t know.
But all the same you probably shouldn’t go messing with (insert local item or landmark). Okay,
that’s enough questions. We’re done here! Go!
(Super Fans run off.)
J.K. Rowling: Everywhere I go, things like that happen. At any rate, there are a few things I
have to say before the show begins: (insert show spiel- flash photography, cameras, etc. as
required by individual productions). And one more thing- live from Hogwarts, it’s A Very Potter
Musical!
(Overture plays.)
Act 1, Scene 1- Literally Everywhere In The Wizarding World
***Lines in parenthesis ( ) are optional lines that came from the original Harry Potter: The
Musical and had been censored out due to their raunchiness or copyright infringements.
SONG: GOIN’ BACK TO HOGWARTS
(The stage opens up to a view of Harry Potter sitting on his suitcase Downstage Center,
ostensibly at Number Four Privet Drive. He fixes his hair and does other twitchy actions. There
is also a door on Centerstage Left.)
Harry:
Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel glares of
my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.
Can't believe how cruel they are
and it stings my lighting scar
to know that they'll never ever give me what I want.
I know I don't deserve these
stupid rules made by the Dursleys
here on Privet drive.
Can't take all of these muggles,
but despite all of my struggles,
I'm still alive.
I’m sick of summer and this waiting around.
Man, it’s September, and I’m skipping this town
Hey it’s no mystery, there’s nothing here for me now.
(Harry stands)
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Harry:
I gotta get back to Hogwarts,
I gotta get back to school.
Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,
Where everybody knows I'm cool.
Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
It’s all that I love, and it's all that I need
At Hogwarts, Hogwarts.
I think I'm going back!
(Harry takes his trunk and flips it so that it is in the right direction then sits on it again.)
Harry:
I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry.
Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky.
NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome!
I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand.
Defeat the dark arts; yeah, bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cuz together we're totally awesome!
(A Door opens from Left Center and Ron Weasley jumps through and points at Harry)
Ron: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!
(Ron struts in.)
Ron: Did somebody say “Ron Weasley”?
(Ron walks in and exchanges greetings with Harry.)
Ron: Hey sorry it took me so long to get here I had to go get some floo powder, but umm...we
got to get going! Come on, get your trunk let’s go!
Harry: (Grabs trunk) Where are we going?
Ron: To Diagon alley of course!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: Come on!
Harry and Ron: (chanting and spinning and doing crazy hand gestures) Floo Powder Power!
Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power! Floo Powder Power!
(Transition to Diagon Alley. Harry drops off his trunk upstage left by the Orchestra.)
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Ron:
It's been so long, but we're going back
Don't go for work, don't go there for class.
Harry:
As long as were together--
Ron:
-- gonna kick some ass
Harry and Ron:

...and it’s gonna be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm,
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!
(Enter Hermione, who pops in between them.)
Hermione:
But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLS!
(Lights come up revealing the hustle and bustle of Hogwarts students trying to get to the train.)
Ron: (exasperated yelling) Oh God, Hermione!! Why do you have to be such a buzz kill!?!
Hermione: (spoken) Because, guys, school’s not all about having fun! We need to study hard if
we want to be good witches and wizards!
Hermione:
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart.
Check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start.
What I lack in looks well I make up in heart,
And well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome.
(Ron and Harry walk to downstage right.)
Hermione:
This year I plan to study a lot...
Ron:
That would be cool if you were actually hot.
Harry:
Hey, Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!
Ron:
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And that's cool...
Hermione:
... and that's totally awesome.
Harry, Ron, Hermione:

Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!
We're sick of summer and this waiting around.
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found.
Don't take no sorcery
For anyone to see how...
We gotta get back to Hogwarts,
We gotta get back to school.
We gotta get back to Hogwarts
Where everything is magic-cooooool.
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ensemble:

Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,
It's all that I love, and it's all that I need at
Hogwarts, Hogwarts.
Harry, Ron, Hermione:

--- I think we're going back...
(Cast stops dancing and runs off stage while Harry, Ron and Hermione start walking towards
downstage left when Ginny runs onto the stage from center stage right.)
Ginny: (Whiney) ROOOOONNNNN!!! You we’re supposed to take me to Madame Mulkins and
use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fittings!
Harry: Ughhhh, who’s this?
Ron: (exasperated) This is stupid-little-dumb-sister-Ginny, she’s a freshman. Ginny this is

Harry. Harry Potter.
Ginny: (Shakes hands with Harry, star-struck.) Ooohhh! You’re Harry Potter. You’re the boy
who lived.
Harry: Yeah, you’re Ginny.
Ginny: It’s Ginevera.
Harry: Cool, Ginny’s fine.

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Ron: Stupid-dumb-little-sister! (Claps hands in front of her face, causing Ginny to shriek and
whine) Don’t crowd the famous friend! (Ron and Harry wrap their arms around each other)
Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron and Harry: Yeah someone’s coming, someone’s coming.
(Cheesy oriental music is heard offstage as Lavender Brown, who is Asian, and Cho Chang,
who is decidedly NOT Asian, enter from right center with their hands together, as if praying.
With them are Cho Chang’s posse, Parvati Patel, Padma Patel, Pansy Parkinson and Luna
Lovegood. They are dancing in a somewhat provocative manner.)
Chang Dancers:
Cho Chang!
Domo arigato, Cho Chang!
Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang!
Happy, Happy New Year, Cho Chang!
Ginny: Oh, who’s that?
Harry: Oh that? That’s Cho Chang.
Ron: That’s the girl Harry's totally been in love with since freshman year.
Hermione: Yeah but he won’t say anything to her.
Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.
(Ginny walks over to the Asian girl, taps her shoulder and bows as if to a Japanese person.)
Ginny: Kon-ni-chi-wa, Cho-Chang. It is good to meet you. I am Gin-ny Weas-ley.
Lavender: (Snaps her fingers and gets in Ginny’s face) Bitch I ain’t Cho-Chang!!
Ron: (walks over to Ginny and yells) That’s Lavender Brown! (claps in her face) Racist sister!
(Cho-Chang walks up to Ginny from the back of the line)
Cho-Chang: Hey it’s all right! (pats Ginny on the back) I’m Cho Chang y'all.
Harry: She is TOTALLY perfect.
Ron: Yeah too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory though.

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Harry: WHAT? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory!?
Ron: He’s just that guy, you know he’s just like you, but tall and handsome and…(hand gestures
as if to say “you know…right?”)
(Cedric bursts through them knocking them on the floor)
Cedric:
Cho Chang!
I am so in love with Cho Chang!
From Bangkok to Ding Dang,
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!
(They run off together.)
Harry: Man, I hate that guy!
Ron: (to Ginny) So are we gonna get those robes or not!?
Ginny: Ok! Alright! I’m going!
Ron: God, Sister!!!
(They all exit stage left. Transition to Platform 9 and ¾. Neville Longbottom enters Stage Left,
Vincent Crabbe and Gregory Goyle enter Stage Right and stop him center stage)
Goyle: Present your arm, nerd! (Neville does, Goyle points his wand at Neville’s arm) Indian
Burn Hex!!!!
Neville: Ahhhhh! (shrieks of pain)
(Ron, Harry and Hermione enter from Stage Left.)
Ron: Crabbe and Goyle!
(Ginny goes to help Neville.)
Harry: Hey why don’t you leave Neville Longbottom alone?
Goyle: Well, well, well if it isn’t Harry Potter. You think all because your famous you can boss
everyone around!
Harry: No I just don’t think it’s cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville!
C’mon!
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Goyle: Oh well you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! (Takes glasses off of
Harry’s face and breaks them in half.) And we hate nerds!
Crabbe: And girls!
Ron: (Hiding behind Hermione) Well, you asked for it! You don’t mess with Harry Potter! He
beat the dark lord when he was a baby!
Hermione: Alright! Everyone just calm down! (steps forward to Harry) Occulus reparo!
Harry: Woah, cool! (replaces glasses)
Hermione: Now let’s leave these big-childish-baby-jerks alone! (They start to walk off but are
stopped abruptly)
(Draco enters Stage Right, commanding the audience’s attention)
Draco: Did someone say “Draco Malfoy”?
Harry: What do you want Draco?
Draco: (Hands Crabbe and Goyle a small sack of money) Crabbe, Goyle. Be a pair of loyal dogs
and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you?
Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard? (dramatic pose)
Harry: No way Malfoy! Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the entire world! I wouldn’t
trade them for anything.
Draco: Have it your way! Wait, don’t tell me: red hair, hand-me down clothes, and a stupid
complexion. You must be a Weasley.
Ron: Oh my god. Lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay? But she’s my pain in the
ass.
Draco: Well, isn’t this cute. It’s like a little loser family. (everyone leaves) Hogwarts has really
gone to the dogs, but luckily next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts.
(Everyone looks at Draco incredulously. Ensemble begins to board train.)
Draco:
This year, you bet, gonna get outta here.
The reign of Malfoy is drawing near.
I’ll have the greatest wizard career.
It’s gonna be totally awesome.
Look out world, for the dawn of the day
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When everyone will do whatever I say

And Potter won’t be in my way, and then
I’ll be the one who is totally awesome!
Goyle:
Yeah you’ll be the one who is totally awesome!
Hermione: Guys, come on! We’re gonna miss the train!
(The last remaining cast members rush into the train. Transition to the Hogwarts Express.)
All:
Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow.
Harry:
Maybe at last, I’ll talk to Cho!
Ron:
Oh no, that’d be WAY too awesome!
All:
We’re back to learn everything that we can.
It’s great to come back to where we began.
And here we are, and alakazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome!
(Transition to Hogwarts Great Hall.)
All:
Come on and teach us everything you know.
The summer’s over and were itchin’ to go.
Neville:
I think we’re ready for
Albus Dumbledore!
(Cast gets together and makes an archway with their arms. They pull away and Dumbledore
enters center stage.)
Dumbledore:
WELCOOOOOOOOOOOME(throws flowers to audience while belting “Welcome”)
All of you to Hogwarts!!!
I welcome all of you to school.
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
We’ve got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts.
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Welcome, hotties, nerds, and tools.

Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I’d like to go over just a couple of rules.
Dumbledore: (Flamboyant Brooklyn Jew accent always accompanied by a cheerful tone and a
smiling face... and a fake beard) My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am headmaster of
Hogwarts. You can all call me “Dumbledore”. Of course you could also call me “Albus” if you
want a detention. Nah! I’m just kidding. I’ll expel you if you call me “Albus”!
All:
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts,
It's all that I love, and all that I need at
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.
Gryffindors:
To Gryffindor!
Hufflepuffs:
Hufflepuff!
Ravenclaws:
Ravenclaw!
Slytherins:
Slytherin!
All:
Back to the place where our story begins at
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Dumbledore:
I’m sorry, what’s its name?
All:
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Dumbledore:
I didn’t hear you kids!
All:
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Harry:
Man, I’m glad I’m back!
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(Everyone poses with their wands in the air.)
Act 1, Scene 2: Hogwarts Great Hall

Dumbledore: Yeah, guys, yes, and welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very
special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Harry Potter. You know he killed Voldemort when
he was just a baby. He’s even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And
another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny, excuse me, Miss
Ginny Weasley.
Ginny: (stands) Yeah, I’m a girl. And also aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?
Dumbledore: Well, a funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched to another
piece of enchanted magical clothing, so he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren’t going to be
back until next year. Basically, I have just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into
Gryffindor and anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go
wherever the Hell they want, I don’t really care.
Cedric: (standing) Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the Hell is a Hufflepuff?
(Cedric shrugs shoulders and sits back down)
Dumbledore: Anyway now it’s time for me to introduce a very good friend and our potions
professor, Mr. Severus Snape.
(Snape enters.)
Ron: Oh man, not Snape I hoped they fired that guy!
Ginny: What’s wrong with Professor Snape!?
Ron: Ugh nothing, he’s just ugh evil!
Harry: C’mon Ron, he’s really not that bad. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!
Harry: For what!?
Snape: For talking out of turn! Now before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very
first pop quiz!
Hermione: Yessss! (everyone else groans)

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Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is? (Hermione raising hand enthusiastically) Ah, yes
Ms. Granger.
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that once touched, will transport the one, or ones
that touch it anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Snape: Very good. Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? (Hermione raising hand
enthusiastically again) Yes, Miss Granger?
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned

earlier in the story to return later in the story in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect.
Ron: What’s a portkey again? I missed that one.
Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it will transport you anywhere.
Snape: And remember a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object like a football or
a dolphin.
Lavender: Professor, can like, a person be a portkey?
Snape: No that’s absurd ‘cause then if a person were to touch themselves… (looks accusingly at
Ron) …they would constantly be transported to different places. A person can, however, be a
horcrux.
Harry: What’s a…..what’s a horcrux?
Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry you’ll find out soon enough.
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh no, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know.
(points to the audience) Especially you. Now moving right along. There are four houses in all:
Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff-
Cedric: Finders!
Snape: What? And Slytherin. Now traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted
for rule breaking. Example: 10 points from Gryffindor!
Gryffindor House: What?
Snape: For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat. (Pinches her cheeks mockingly.)
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Ron and Harry: Thanks Hermione! (agitated)
Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the house
cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our professor
of the dark arts, Professor Quirrell!
Harry: Ow, ow, ow!!!
(Harry clutches his scar as Professor Quirrell enters, a timid, mild-mannered fellow in a turban.
Hidden in Quirrell’s voluminous robes is the actor playing Voldemort, walking back to back
with his face hidden in the turban.)
Quirrell: The house cup is a time honored tradition, for centuries –
Draco: GO HOME TERRORIST!!!
Quirrell: For centuries the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of
holding the title of house champion. But where does this competition come from and what are
the roots of the tradition?
Hermione: The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.
Quirrell: T-that was a rhetorical question. (Clearly offended that she chimed in.)
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor.
Ron: Thanks Hermione! (agitated)
Quirrell: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was one of a completely
different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous
tasks…challenges. The winner would not only win the cup, he would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Kinda like a house cup, no, like a Triwizard tournament.
Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tournament, except no not like that at all. There are four
houses how can it be the Tri-wizard tournament with four teams?
Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded
after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.
Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous but the rewards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: I don’t think you heard me, I just said somebody died!
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Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting. 20
more points!
Ron: THANKS HERMIONE! (incredibly agitated)
Dumbledore: God, for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes.
10 points to Dumbledore. (grins in self-satisfaction)
Quirrell: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for
ages to come. And as the professor of the defense against the dark arts, I believe that this
practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to--
Voldemort: AH CHOO!
Dumbledore: Gezundheit. (Suddenly confused.) Did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrell: What? No!
Dumbledore: I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth
wasn’t moving.
Quirrell: No, that was simply a fart. Excuse me. (Quirrell starts backing up towards Harry)
Voldemort: AH CHOO!
Harry: OW! OW! OWW!!! (clutching head)
Voldemort: AH CHOO!
Harry: Oh jeeze! Oh my God!
Quirrell: I must be going!
Voldemort: (as walking off stage) AH CHOO! A CHOO!!! A CHO!
Quirrell: I’ve simply farted once more. (Exits Stage Right)
Dumbledore: According to the newly resurrected house cup a champion from each house must
be selected to compete. So Snape, will you do us the honors please?
Snape: (emerging from upstage center) Yes headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw house, Miss
Cho Chang.
Cho-Chang: Oh my god I won! I can’t believe they called me.
Snape: Next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.

17

Cedric: Well, I don’t find this surprising at all!
Cho-Chang: I find this perfect, now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.
Cedric: I’m glad as well, my darling. (kisses her on the head)
Snape: Next from the Slytherin House, Draco Malfoy.
Draco: (standing then running and falling on Harry) HA! I’ve finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter!?
What do you think about that?! I’m the champion this time! (falls on ground)
Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down you little shit! “Champion’s” just a title!
Snape: And finally from the Gryffindor house, oh my. Well isn’t this curious? The one person in
all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he
may, very well lose his life.
Neville: (standing) If it’s me I-I’ll apologize to my fellow Gryffindor right now f-for loosing.
Snape: Sit down you inarticulate bumble, it’s Harry Potter.
(Harry triumphantly does rocker hands)
Ron: WOO! WOOO! WOOO!!!
Dumbledore: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions and I want all of you to
start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So
let’s get to it!
(Everyone exits, with Cho Chang’s friends gleefully chanting for her.)
Chang Posse: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!
Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! Malf—Hey! (looks confused as people ignore him)

(Harry and Ron sit down on the nearby benches and Ron pulls out a Chinese takeout box and
chopsticks and begins snacking again.)
Ron: Harry you got this tournament in the bag!
Harry: I don’t know, man. Cedric Diggory, he’s pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! We’re totally
in the win! We got this tournament in the bag.
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Hermione: I don’t know Harry.
Ron: OH MY GOD. Hermione, shut up! Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?
Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Harry: Dangerous? Oh come on, Hermione how dangerous can it be, especially for me?
Hermione: Come on, Harry, someone died in this tournament.
Harry: Ughhh I’m the boy that lived not died. What’s the worst that could happen?
Hermione: And I don’t know about that Quirrell character. You know at first he resurrects some
horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt, and you have to
admit there is something really funky about the back of his head.
Harry: Well think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor here at Hogwarts. And who hires the
professors?
Harry and Ron: Dumbledore.
Harry: He is the smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard – beautiful wizard in the whole
world. Why would he possibly hire somebody that’s trying to hurt me?
Hermione: Well what about Snape?
Harry: What about him?
Hermione: He’s hated you for years! And he’s hated your parents too, Harry. Everybody knows
that. And he just so happens to pick your name for the house cup out of hundreds if not 5
possible Gryffindors.
Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence. We lucked out.
Hermione: No, Harry, I don’t think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made
a lot of enemies. Ones you might not even know about.
Harry: Alright, let me get this straight. You’re saying this tournament is just one big ploy to try
and kill me?
Hermione: I mean, I don’t know. Anyway, I just think it’s dangerous and I don’t think you
should do it.
Harry: Alright Hermione, if it means that much to you I’ll drop out.
Hermione: Oh, thank you Harry! (she hugs him thankfully)

19

Harry: Ha, no problem.
Ron: Wait, wait, WHAT!? The House Cup!? What about all the eternal glory you’d win?
C’mon!
Harry: Hey, eternal glory? I’ve already got that. And besides, Neville will be a great champion.
Ron: No, no, no, I do NOT want Schlongbottom to be my champion.
Hermione: Harry, all you have to do is—(notices Dumbledore walk by)—oh, look, there’s
Dumbledore! Why don’t you just talk to him now and tell him that you’re dropping out?
Harry: Ughhhhh, listen Hermione, Dumbledore and I are really cool. We’re super tight. And I
don’t want him to think that I am being lazy or disrespectful or anything. So can you just tell
him? Why don’t you tell him! Just tell him that I want to work on school or something, alright?
Hey you got this one.
Hermione: Yeah.
Harry: You’re the best. (pokes her nose)
Hermione: (reluctantly) Alright. (approaches Dumbledore on stage left) Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Yes, Granger?
Hermione: I need to talk to you for a moment. It’s about the House Cup Tournament. Well first
of all I think it’s an awful idea, but second of all, I don’t think that Harry Potter should compete.
Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always have to be such a big old stick in the mud, huh?
Pray, tell me why Harry Potter should not compete.
Hermione: Because he wants to study.
Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you.
Hermione: Ok, well, he wants to focus on the OWLS.
Dumbledore: Why couldn’t Harry have told me this himself. He thinks I’m cool. We’re tight.
Hermione: Professor, I’m a really bad liar. I think it’s a ruse. A setup. A-and I even think Snape
might be trying to kill Harry Potter.
Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, sexiest men I have ever met. Severus
Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just about as much as he is trying to kill me! Huh?!
20

Snape: (enters stage left) Oh, why Professor Dumbledore. I just happened to be in the kitchen
and I made you this delicious sandwich.
(He holds out a sandwich which obviously has a bomb in it.)
Dumbledore: Ohhh, why thank you Severus! Do you see, Granger? How thoughtful!
Snape: Here you are, professor. Bomb-appetite, I MEAN, Bon-appétit!
(Snape hands Dumbledore the sandwich, presses a button and runs off. A beeping noise is heard,
starting the ticking mechanism.)
Hermione: Umm, is that sandwich ticking?
Dumbledore: It looks like its licking: finger licking good.
Hermione: Umm, professor, I don’t think you should eat that sandwich.
Dumbledore: Why, Granger, you got to listen to Snape more often, you might even get a
sandwich out of it.
(Hermione snatches the sandwich, runs Stage Right and throws sandwich of stage as it is heard
exploding.)
Dumbledore: Granger, what the Hell? What are you doing? You’ve dog-gone exploded my
sandwich!!!!
Hermione: I’m sorry sir!
Dumbledore: Even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete. You see
that cup?
Hermione: Yes.
Dumbledore: It’s enchanted. Whosever’s name comes out of that cup has to compete or the
results would be… bad.
Hermione: What do you mean “bad”?
Dumbledore: Try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in
your body exploding at the speed of light.
Hermione: Total plutonic reversal.

21

Dumbledore: Yeah, so you see, he has to compete, Hermione. If it makes you feel any better,
the last guy that died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff, so I’ll keep my eyes open, (you keep
these little baby legs open,) and nothing’s going to get past old Dumbledore.
Hermione: Ok.
Dumbledore: I’m going to go make myself another sandwich. Though I don’t see how it could
be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!
(He exits.)
Hermione: ‘Cause it was a bomb. (Goes back to Harry and Ron on the benches) Harry, I’m so
sorry, but I think you’re going to have to compete in the House Cup Tournament, but don’t
worry, I won’t rest until I’ve found out what the first task is going to be.
Ron: And I’ll sabotage all of the other champions so you win by default.
Harry: Alright, awesome!
(Crabbe, Goyle carrying Draco walk in from stage left)
Draco: Well isn’t this touching?
Ron: Oh my God, just butt out Malfoy. (Goyle puts Draco on the ground but he falls over)
Draco: Goyle and I have a bet you know. He says you won’t last 5 minutes in this tournament. I
disagree. I say you won’t last 5 minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: Alright Malfoy, what-what is Pigfarts?
Draco: Oh? Never heard of it? Hah! Figures! Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts.
(Draco tries to lay on bench but falls off)
Harry: Malfoy, don’t pretend you don’t want to talk about it, that’s like the 9th time you’ve
mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts.
Draco: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I’m being
transferred next year.
Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
Draco: That’s because Pigfarts is on Mars.
Harry: Alright, Malfoy, we’re trying to have a conversation here, so if you could just leave us
alone…
22

Draco: Oh no, I’m not even here. (politely)
Harry: Alright anyway, so I think we can find out more about the first task from Dumbledore.
Draco: Dumbledore?! Pfft. What an old coot. He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyway like I was saying we can – (Malfoy keeps interrupting)
Draco: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts! He’s a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy if you don’t mind we’re trying to have a conversation here. It’s not like you’re--
you’re not even eating. Get out of here.
Draco: Well I can’t help it if I can hear everything you say, we’re the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy, just get out of here. Please?
Draco: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Ughh, I don’t know, Pigfarts? (sarcastically)
Draco: Oh, hahaha, ho ho. Now you’re just being cute. I can’t GO to Pigfarts. It’s on Mars. You
need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship Potter? I bet you do. You know not all of us
inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. (starts rolling around the
stage again) Look at this! Look at it! Rocket Ship Potter. Star Kid Potter. Moon Shoes Potter
traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! Eeh!
Harry: Alright that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try to make me feel jealous. I don’t
care if you make fun of me but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other story.
Draco: Not so fast, Potter! Crabbe! Goyle! (pushes them towards Harry and then hides
underneath a bench)
Harry: Oh sure just –
Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!
Harry: Woah, scared! I’m scared!(gets freaked out)
Draco: There! Not so tough now are you, Potter. Maybe you should hang out with someone
better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend.
Hermione: Oh, that is it Malfoy! (points her wand at Crabbe and Goyle) Jelly-legs Jinx!
23

Draco: (whines) Oh come on!
Goyle: Hey, no fair, our legs are jelly!!
(Hermione has her wand pointed at Malfoy's face, clearly peeved.)
Hermione: Take it back Malfoy!
Draco: Take what back?
Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!
Ron: Yeah, and all of that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend, that’s not even a little bit
true.
Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a you-know-what!
Draco: I’m sorry!
Hermione: And you promise you’ll never it ever again.
Draco: I promise!
Hermione: All right. (drops Draco) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it.
(walks back over to Harry and Ron) C’mon Harry, Ron, let’s get out of here. Besides, you
already ate all of my lunch.
Harry: Thanks Hermione.
Hermione: (points wand at Crabbe and Goyle) Unjellify!
Ron: Wow, that was the most bad ass thing I’ve ever seen. Too bad no one was here to see it
though. It was like a outburst of pent-up aggression. It was like AHHH HERMIONEEEEEE!
(Harry, Ron and Hermione walk off Stage Right.)
Goyle: Wow, that sucked royal hippogriff. We got beat by a girl. Who is a nerd.
Draco: (delicately touching nose) I didn’t mean what I said you know. Pigfarts IS real. Am I-am
I bleeding? Goyle?
(Goyle dives on the ground and smells her nose.)
Goyle: No.
24

Draco: I thought maybe…maybe a little bit. (still delicately touching nose) Wow, I’ve never
been pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud…..whatever.
Goyle: (to Crabbe) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter curse was just “Unjellify”.
Draco: Right. I’m not surprised. Come on lets go watch Wizards of Waverly place. (exits Stage
Right)
Act 1, Scene 4: Quirrell’s Chambers
Quirrell: (entering stage left) Fools! They’re all fools! They think they’re safe. They think
they’re back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the
danger that’s lurking right under their noses…or should I say on the back of their heads…(turns
and removes turban to reveal Voldemort.)
Voldemort: NARRRRRRRRR!!!! (coughing fit Quirrell leans over to put things away) I can’t
breathe in that damn turban!
Quirrell: I’m sorry, my lord, but it’s a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived, that
when Harry Potter destroyed you your soul lived on…
Voldemort: Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the forbidden forest
eating bugs and mushrooms and, ugh, (disgusted face) unicorn blood.
Quirrell: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.
Voldemort: Yes, nobody must know any of that. Now Quirrell, get me some water. (Quirrell
picks up a bottle of Aquafina.) Now Quirrell pour it in my mouth! (Quirrell obeys.)
Quirrell: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my
liege.
Voldemort: Yes, yes, yes, I'm done with the water. We must not have any more foul ups like
tonight in the great hall. (Quirrell puts water away.)
Quirrell: I’m sorry my lord, you sneezed.
Voldemort: I know that! Get me some Nasonex, you swine! (Quirrell picks up a bottle of
Nasonex and squirts it up Volde’s nose, then his own.) And wash that turban! It tickles my nose.
Quirrell: Yes, my dark king!
Voldemort: Ok, ok, just relax with the “Dark King”, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily.
You can call me “Voldemort”, we’re there. We’ve reached that point.
25

Quirrell: Yes, my….Voldemort.
Voldemort: Now Quirrell, get us ready for bed. We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter.
Tonight in the great hall he was so close! I could have touched him. Revenge is at my fingertips,
Quirrell. I can taste it. It tastes like—(licking lips)—cool mint.
Quirrell: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.
Voldemort: Yes, excellent. Well, goodnight Quirrell.
Quirrell: Goodnight!
(Quirrell lays down on the bed back down, which smothers Volde’s face in the pillow. Voldemort
grunts a few times in discomfort.)
Voldemort: Okay, okay I can’t do this. You’ve got to roll over, I can’t sleep on my tummy.
Quirrell: I always sleep on my back, I have back problems. It’s the only way I’m comfortable.
Voldemort: (raising voice) You roll over right now or I’ll…. I’ll eat your pillow! You’ll be
having a dream that you’re eating a giant marshmallow but really you’ll wake up and your
favourite goose feather pillow will be missing!
Quirrell: Fine, we’ll compromise. We’ll sleep on our side. (they roll onto their sides, Voldemort
facing the chair with robes on it)
Voldemort: Fine, I guess I can do this.
Quirrell: Goodnight.
Voldemort: Goodnight Quirrell. (notices the clothes on the chair and instantly becomes
bothered by it) Hey Quirrell., how long have those robes been on that chair?
Quirrell: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.
Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan for these?
Quirrell: I figured I would just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the
morning, okay?
Voldemort: What? NO! No. That’s not okay. I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty
clothes on that chair. The chair is going to start to smell like dirty clothes!
Quirrell: (tired and slightly whiney tone) Look, I promise I’ll put them away in the morning.
26

Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them at
least. Make it into a neat pile.
(They sit up.)
Quirrell: Look if we’re going to be in this situation for a while we’re going to have to learn how
to live with each other. Now I’ve been single for all of my life and I have some habits. And
sometimes I leave laundry around.
Voldemort: Well I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods
have their place. And so do your clothes. Namely, a dresser.
Quirrell: Well, aren’t we an odd couple. (Standing, Quirrell puts his hands on his hips
indignantly. They begin singing.)
SONG: DIFFERENT AS CAN BE
Quirrell:
You won't sleep on your tummy.
Voldemort:
You won't sleep on your back.
Voldemort and Quirrell:

We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.
Quirrell:
We share some hands and fingers,
Voldemort:
And yet the feeling lingers:

We're just about as different as anyone can be.
Voldemort:
You like plotting a garden
And I like plotting to kill.
Quirrell:
You think that you should rule the world-
I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fire is swell.
Voldemort:
Pushing people in is fun as well.
27

I like folding all of my ties.
Quirrell:
And you have no friends, hey that’s a surprise. (sarcastic)

I guess it’s plain to see
When you look at you and me,
We’re different, different, as can be.
Voldemort:
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl!
I’m the darkest of lords!
Quirrell:
I’m the brightest professor here:
I’ve won several awards!
Voldemort:
My new world is about to unfold.
Quirrell:
You got beat by a two year old.
Voldemort:
I'll kill him this time through and through!
Quirrell:
Or you might just give him another tattoo.

You really must agree
We’re different, different as can-
Voldemort:
I’ll rise again and I’ll rule the world,
But you must help me renew.
For when our plan succeeds-
Quirrell:
Prevails!
Voldemort:
-Part of that world goes to you.
28

Quirrell:
When I rule the world I’ll plant flowers.
Voldemort:
When I rule the world I’ll have snakes--
And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals,
A fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!
Quirrell:
And Jane Austen novels!

When I rule the world!!
(They exit stage left, cackling as they exit)

(Blackout. Lights come back up with Harry and Hermione on a bench Stage Right and Neville on
a bench Stage Left. Harry is playing the guitar.)
Hermione: Harry, don’t you think you should try to figure out what the first task is gonna be?
You could actually die if you’re not ready.
Harry: What? C’mon. I mean, can’t you just do it for me? Can’t you just prepare all my stuff for
me? I mean, what are you doing right now?
Hermione: I’m writing your potions essay.
Harry: Oh! Well, do that first cause that’s due tomorrow.
Hermione: Ok.
Harry: But after that can you prepare for the first task? Please?
Hermione: (reluctantly) Yeah...
Harry: Thank you! You are the best! (pokes her in the nose and she smiles) You got it. Thanks
Hermione.
(Ginny walks in from Stage Right)
Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here. I want to show you something, come here.
Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter.

29

Harry: I want to play you this song I’m working on. I met this girl that I really really like and I
want to let her know that she’s really special, so I just want to know what you think. Just for the
purposes of now, cause I’m still working out the lyrics, so I’ll put your name where her name
should be but I don’t think it’s really gonna work out because….well, let me just give it a shot.
SONG: GINNY
Harry:
You’re tall and fun and pretty.
You’re really, really skinny: Ginny.
I’m the Mickey to your Minnie.
You’re the Tigger to my Winnie, Ginny.
Wanna take you to the city,
Gonna take you out to dinney: Ginny.
You’re cuter than a guinea pig.
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg--
that’s in Canada!
Ginny, Ginny, Gin---
(Harry stops playing.)
Harry: You know this song doesn't go with your name AT ALL. I don’t know, how does that
make you feel emotionally?
Ginny: Wow, wowee, Harry Potter!
Harry: Do you think it could, I don’t know, make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: I think it already has. (blushes)
Harry: Really? Awesome! Cause it’s for Cho-Chang! (starts playing his guitar again)
Ginny: (obviously disappointed) Oh, yeah, she’s beautiful. (pouts)
Harry: (flabbergasted) What, are you nuts?! Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-
hot! Hottest girl I’ve ever met! She’s far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting
than any girl that I know in my immediate group of friends. (So much, a lot more better, and
awesome. Oh man, and if this song is as awesome as I think it is, then she’s gonna’ have to make
some room in those robes of hers…if you get what I’m saying, cause it’s an innuendo. I wanna’
have sex with her. Or at least get naked with her.)
(The Seinfeld theme is heard as Ron enters.)
Ron: (Enters Stage Left and jumps over Neville’s bench, hitting him in the face before reaching
the bench where Harry, Hermione and Ginny are sitting. He starts pushing Ginny and Hermione
out of the way.) Move, move, move! (Hermione and Ginny move over, causing Hermione to fall
30

off the bench.) Awesome! Hey, Harry. What’s up? So, I was just offstage hanging out with
Hagrid and I saw these delivery wizards bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don’t know
what that’s for.
Hermione: (standing) Giant cages? I bet whatever are in those giant cages has something to do
with the first task. Harry, we have to find out what it is!
Harry: Hey, hey, guys. Chill. I’m busy. (Starts rocking out on guitar and Ron and Ginny jam
along with him. Hermione walks over and yanks his guitar away.)
Ron: WOOOOAHHHH WOAHHHHHH!!!
Ginny: NONONONONONONONOONO!!!! (screechy whining)
Hermione: Guys, listen, this could be a matter of life and death.
Ron: Well, it doesn’t matter ‘cause it’s after hours, okay? And we can’t leave the Gryffindor
House, we’ll probably get in trouble if we do. And even if we do, Schlongbottom over there
(points) will probably tell on us.
Hermione: Neville won’t tell.
Neville: Oh, yes I certainly will!
Ron: So what are we going to do?
Hermione: It’s simple guys. The cloak.
Ron and Harry: Of course, the cloak. (They stand.)
Ginny: Wait, what cloak?
Ron: Shut up! (Claps in Ginny’s face.)
Harry: At my first year of Hogwarts I got a present left to me – oh, bye Neville. – at my first
year at Hogwarts. It was left to me by my dad. The dad that’s dead. My father’s dead. My dead
father. We can use it to solve mysteries and stuff. (Pulls it out of the trunk.) My invisibility
cloak.
Ginny: (in awe) Oooooohhhh woooowww!!! Wooooowwweeeeeee, Harry Potter! A real

invisibility cloak! Oooh ooh, do you know what I would do if I had an invisibility cloak?!
Harry: Oh, I would kick wiener dogs.
Ron: I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people.

31

Hermione: I would use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.
Ron: Jesus. (mildly creeped out by Hermione’s statement)
Ginny: Actually, I was going to say I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at
the funeral! Hee hee!
Harry: Ok, anyway! Let’s get out of here.
(Everyone gets up and starts walking towards Stage Left.)
Ron: Woahwoahwoahwoah! (pushes Ginny away) Where do you think you’re going?
Ginny: With you guys?
Ron: No, no, no. No way no kid sister’s allowed, ok? (claps in her face) Besides, there’s only
enough room under this cloak for two people so…..come on Hermione, come on.
(Hermione hands Ginny the guitar and leaves under the cloak with the boys.)
SONG: HARRY
Ginny:
The way his hair falls in his eyes,
Makes me wonder if he’ll
Ever see through my disguise.
And I’m under his spell.
Everything is fallin’ and I don’t know where to land.
Everyone knows who he is but they don’t know who I am.
Harry, Harry,
Why can’t you see
What you’re doin’ to me?
I’ve seen you conquer certain death,
And even when you’re just standing there you take away my breath.
And maybe someday you’ll hear my song
And understand that all along
There’s something more that I’m trying to say
When I say,
Harry, Harry, Harry
Why can’t you see
What you’re doin’ to me?
Doin’ to me…
Act 1, Scene 6: Hogwarts Dungeon Hallway

32

Quirrell: (entering Stage Right) Master, the shipments from the first tournament have just
arrived.
Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrell. I hear everything you hear. (Irritated.)
Quirrell: (removes turban) Isn’t it wonderful, my lord? We’ve made sure that Harry Potter’s
name has been drawn from the cup and soon he shall be ours.
Voldemort: Yes. This is really happening, isn’t it, Quirrell? You know, with the plan going so
well I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do you say Quirrell, how’s about we go out? I
hear its Karaoke night down at the Hog’s Head.
Quirrell: Oh, I don’t know, I have so many papers to grade and I’ve been giving so much
attention to this revenge plan that I’m really behind.
Voldemort: C’mon Quirrell. You’ve been working so hard all year. You deserve a night off.
Quirrell: But the papers…
Voldemort: Oh, give them all B minuses and be done with it.
Quirrell: (gasps) Now that’s evil!
Voldemort: (sarcastically) Yeah, thanks, I am the Dark Lord. C’mon just a few drinks. Hey,
we’ll try to pick up some chicks.
Quirrell: I won’t know what to say – I’m no good at that.
Voldemort: C’mon it’ll be fun, you just move your lips and I’ll do the talking.
Quirrell: Ughhh. (whines of uncertainty)
Voldemort: (Whines obnoxiously, trying to convince Quirrell.) Quirrell! Man, LISTEN. I may
just be a parasite on the back of your head literally devouring your soul every time you take a
breath, but I can see that you’re too good of a guy not to have a bit of fun once and a while. You
deserve this.
Quirrell: Well, if you put it that way, then yeah! Let’s just go wild tonight!
Voldemort: AAAAH!!! That’s the spirit Quirrell! Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab
your tunic! Quirrell, (proudly) we are gonna get you laid. Seriously man, back when I had a
body, woo! I had mad-game with the bitches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange! (Oohoohoohoo, she is
a FREAK in the sack!)
(They exit stage left and from Stage Right come Harry, Ron and Hermione under the cloak as
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle enter right after. The Gryffindor trio is heard mumbling.)
33

Ron: Well, uh, this cloak isn’t as big as it used to be.
(Harry: Yeah, you know, I remember this used to be a lot cuter when we were little, but now we
just keep bumping into each other.)
(Ron: Well, if Hermione would just get those pillows off my back. Why did you to bring those
along, what, did you plan on taking a nap?)
(Hermione: What pillows?!)
(Harry: Yeah Ron, and your wand keeps poking me in my lower back. It’s a little
uncomfortable.)
(Ron: Alright. You know, maybe, maybe we should switch positions.)
(Hermione: Here, Ron, you get behind me.)
(Ron: NO! No! No! I’m not gonna ever, ever get behind you! Um, let’s just, nobody take off the
cloak for a while, ok?)
Hermione: Shhh! Someone’s coming.
(Ron: (defensively) It’s not me, I swear!)
(Draco pauses and listens intently.)
Draco: Did you just hear something?
Goyle: No. Only quiet. Maybe one raindrop.
(Crabbe: I think I heard a double entendre.)
Draco: No matter. Tell me Goyle, who do you think is the ugliest girl in the school?
Goyle: Oh, Buckbeak, for sure.
Draco: Crabbe?
Crabbe: Winky the house elf.
Draco: Good one! Obscure! You know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione
Granger. Do you know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the ugliest and
10 being very pretty? I would give her—(thinking)—an 8…. an 8.5…. or a 9…. not-NOT over a
9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone’s perfect like me. That’s why I
am holding out for a 10! Because I’m worth it. Come on let’s go!
34

(The three Slytherins exit smugly.)
Harry: What a bunch of jerks.
Hermione: Alright, forget them. Now where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?
Ron: I think I saw them being delivered to the auditorium, so they should be on the end of this
hallway to the left.
(A cardboard goat is seen in the middle of the stage.)
Ron: Look! A goat.
Harry: My God! I have to fight a goat!? I don’t know if I can do that morally. (I would KILL
that goat.)
(Hermione: Shh! Someone’s coming again!)
(Ron: (Shameful tone) Ok, you got me this time, alright?)
(Snape and Dumbledore enter together.)
Snape: The goats have all been sent for feeding time headmaster.
Dumbledore: Dragons don’t want to be fed, they want to hunt!
Harry: Did you just say dragons?! (Quickly shuts up as the others look at him with shotgun
glances.)
Snape: Did you just say ‘did he just say dragons?’ (Mimics Harry’s tone)
(Snape wheels goat off stage and talks to Dumbledore while still off stage.)
Dumbledore: I must have, because anyone else hiding in this room must have known to Shut.
Up. Potter. (Tense and agitiated.)
Snape: Headmaster, do you really think it’s wise to have children fight dragons?
Dumbledore: No, Snape, I don’t think it’s wise to do anything anymore. Like, here I am alive
and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.
Snape: (walking back on stage) Why that’s absurd.
Dumbledore: Let’s go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? (They start to walk away, arm in
arm.)
35

Snape: No.
Dumbledore: I have some pretty kicking posters on my wall.
(They begin to walk arm in arm towards Stage Right to where the Trio is hiding under the cloak.
Just before they would have touched, Snape yawns and stretches his arm above his head,
breaking his hold from Dumbledore, and they both stretch their arms up, as if tired, conveniently
not hitting the Trio.)
Snape: Well, I am rather tired.
(They exit Stage Right. Harry throws his cloak offstage.)
Harry: Aww, man! I have to fight a dragon?! This is bogus! How can I fight a dragon? I’m just
a little kid.
Ron: Well, maybe it won’t be that bad, Harry. Maybe you’ll just have to fight Mushu from
Mulan. I don't know, maybe, like, Puff the Magic Dragon or something.
Hermione: Ron, this is serious, okay? Harry could die. Look, there is still time. We just need to
figure out a plan.
Harry: Well, we should probably do it back in the common room. Wait, where’s the invisibility
cloak?
Ron: Oh, I threw it on the magical walking chair over there. (Points to nothingness.) Oh crap.
Harry: Oh, that’s gonna be an issue.
Act 1, Scene 7: Quirrell’s Quarters

(Quirrell and Voldemort enter, clearly inebriated.)
Quirrell: I thought walking home drunk was hard before.
Voldemort: (terribly drunk.) We should have realized that with both of us drinking into one
belly we would get twice as drunk! Quirrell. Hey Quirrell. Quirrell (drunkenly repeats Quirrell’s
name several times) You remember that girl we were talking to? Remember that girl we were
talking to? Well I was talking to her sister on my side! (Grinning.)
Quirrell: Oh, so that’s why she freaked out when we stood up!
Voldemort: Because she didn’t know--
Both: That we were the same person! (Do some ridiculous drunken movements while laughing
idiotically together.)
36

Quirrell: You know, I haven’t had this much fun since Nearly Headless Nick’s (stumbles over
word “death”) death day party of ‘91.
Voldemort: I haven’t had this much fun since….yeah, well, shit, I can’t remember ever having
this much fun!
Quirrell: You never had fun ever? Doing anything? Maybe that’s why you’re so evil.
Voldemort: (The more drunk of the two, he is constantly slurring his words.) Yeah maybe.
Definitely has to do with the fact that muggles and mudbloods make me sick to my stomach, but
ahh…yeah, guess you could be right I guess. I mean...it’s kinda funny.
Quirrell: What is it, Voldemort?
Voldemort: Oh, it’s just I never ever (drunkenly repeating “never ever” in different orders)
considered there to be another reason behind my evil you know, cause normally I just kill people
who try to get me to open up, you know? (chuckles) OOPS. But it’s kinda nice to just talk.
Quirrell: Yeah, I have to admit I was kinda nervous when you first demanded that you attach
yourself to my soul.
Voldemort: Yeah, I could sense that.
Quirrell: But now I think it’s kinda cool. It’s like having a really close roommate or even –
Voldemort: Yeah like a slave. Like a Death Eater.
Quirrell: No, man. It’s like having a friend.
Voldemort: I’ve never had a friend before.
Quirrell: Well, it looks like you’ve got one now.
Voldemort: Who would have thought that at the beginning of this year we'd feel like that for
each other, huh? I guess everything is different between us now.
(They begin singing a refrain…drunkenly, Quirrell being the less drunk of the two.)
SONG: DIFFERENT AS CAN BE REPRISE
Quirrell:
I guess it’s plain to see
We’re different, different
As can be.
37


We simply guarantee
As can be.
Quirrell:
It’s a comedy of sorts
When you’re bound to Voldemort.
Voldemort:
And I’m happy as a squirrel
Long as I’m with Mr. Quirrell.
Voldemort and Quirrel

We’ll lead ‘em to the slaughter
And we’ll murder Harry Potter!
Different, different
As can be!
Act 1, Scene 8: Hogwarts Champions’ Tent

(Snape enters and walks to Center Stage)
Snape: The Hogwarts champions will now enter the Champions’ tent in preparation for the first
task. (Dramatically runs off stage.)
Harry: (Enters with paper lunch bag in hands.) Aww, man, I can’t believe I’ve got to skip lunch
period for this stupid task.
Hermione: Ok, Harry. Today’s the day: the day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those
notes that I wrote for you on dragons?
Harry: No.
Hermione: What, why not?
Harry: Are you kidding me, they were so boring.
Hermione: So you didn’t read them? You’re not prepared at all?
Harry: No. At least I have my wand.

38

(He starts patting himself down, spinning, looking around for his wand. Hermione hands him her
wand.)
Hermione: Here.
Harry: Ehhhhh! You’re the best. (Pokes her nose again.)
Hermione: Harry, please don’t die today. I don’t want to see my best friend get eaten by a
dragon! (Hugs and clings to him.)
Harry: Relax ok. Save the tears for my funeral.
(Cedric walks in with Draco. They are chatting.)
Cedric: So, tell me more of this Pigfarts. I find it to be very interesting.
Draco: Well, while you’re there you have to wear your space suit at all times because there’s no
atmosphere on Mars, so, if a single docking bay door opens you’ll probably die.
Cedric: My, how dreadful!
Draco: Well, the good news is, if you’re a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride
around on his back!
Cedric: And he’s the headmaster lion?
Draco: Who can talk.
Cedric: Oh! Well, hello, Harry, how are you feeling today?
Harry: Hey Cedric, I’m trying to stay positive.
Cedric: Well good. I’m happy to find you in such a state. Miss Granger?
Hermione: Hello?
Cho: (enters the tent, strutting) Sugar pie! (waves cutely at Cedric)
Cedric: My darling! (They kiss.) Was that a kiss for good luck?
Cho: No, that was for being so cotton picking cute! This one’s for good luck. (They kiss again.)
Harry: I hate that guy! (To Hermione)
Hermione: It’s ok. Harry, you’re going to be great today. (Trying so hard to be encouraging.)
39

Dumbledore: (Entering tent, he turns around, spots Hermione and jumps, startled.) OH GOD!!!
Granger, I thought you were a Boggart! I’m terrified of Boggarts. And what the Hell are you
doing in the champions’ tent?! Get out of here. 10 more points!
(Hermione rolls her eyes and exits the tent. Dumbledore picks up four cardboard dragons from
behind a bench.)
Harry: Thanks Hermione. (sarcastically)
Dumbledore: Are you kids ready to fight a dragon!? Of course not, you’re just children. What
the Hell am I thinking? Outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans.
they’re either going to be cheering for you…or the dragon, but either way they’re going to be
making some kind of noise. So, in order for this selection process to be fair I’m going to
randomly select a cardboard cutout size version of the dragon that you are going to be fighting.
For you, Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. (Hands it to Cedric.) Figment the Imaginary Dragon
(Hands it to Cho). The Reluctant Dragon (Hands it to Draco). And for you, Potter, the
Hungarian horntail, the most terrifying thing I’ve seen in my whole life!
Harry: Oh my God!
Dumbledore: (Don’t worry, the real thing is far, far more terrifying: 10 stories tall, each scale is
as sharp as a laser beam. In comparison to that one, this guy is just a little old pussy cat. A
floppy, crusty, old smelly, worn out pussy…cat.) Well, if there are no more complaints then I-
Harry: Wait, hold on a second! This is terrifying those are the cutest things I have ever seen.
Dumbledore: (Picking up Figment) This thing is horrifying…. Just use your imagination.
Disapparate!
Ron: (Enters Stage Right) My God this competition’s gonna suck. All these dragons are wimps.
Accio double stuff. (Puts Oreo cookie in his mouth.) Oh my God, look at that one. Oh my God,
monster!!! Is that yours?!! (Points to the Horntail, both in horror and amazement.)
Harry: Yeah!
Ron: Oh my God, that’s awesome! I want to hold it. This thing is terrifying. I hope the real thing
is smaller. Ferocious. What are you going to do?
Harry: I don’t know. I’m not cut out for this thing. That’s gonna kill me.
Hermione: Ron, you can’t be in here this is the champion’s tent.
Snape: (Enters tent.) Miss Granger, what the devil are you doing in the champion’s tent? 10
points from Gryffindor.
Ron: Thanks Hermione. Good luck, buddy. (Pats Harry on the shoulder.) Bye Snape.
40

Snape: Bye. Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.
Cedric: All right fella’s wish me luck.
Cho: I believe in you.
Cedric: That’s all I needed to hear. (Prances off to face his dragon.)
Harry: Hey, Malfoy, guess what. I’ll tell you what… I’ll let you switch dragons with me. I’ll
give YOU the chance to switch dragons with ME. I’ll tell you what, don’t even worry about it.
Gimme your dragon.
Draco: Ummm, let me think abou--no.
Harry: Hey! I’ll give you my gushers.
Draco: Oh no, no, no. I have a fruit by the foot. (Is not falling for Harry’s poorly attempted
trick.)
Snape: Cho Chang! Your dragon awaits.
Cho: Well, I can’t imagine this would be very hard.
Snape: Then I imagine it won’t be. (He skips off.)
Harry: Malfoy, c’mon. I’ll throw in my teddy grams with the gushers. You can make little
gusher teddy gram sandwiches.
Draco: Alright, you throw in that pack of bugles and you’ve got yourself a deal.
Harry: Absolutely not.
Snape: Draco Malfoy. Your turn. (Draco struts off.)
Harry: Professor Snape! Is there any way that I could forfeit or switch dragons or maybe just
take the day off? (Snape starts pouring ketchup on him.) What? What are you doing, what is
that!?
Snape: I’m protecting you, Potter. Welsh Greenbacks can’t stand the taste of Heinz tomato
ketchup.
Harry: But I’m not fighting a Welsh Greenback, I’m fighting a Hungarian Horntail.
Snape: Oh, silly me, Heinz tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all. Hurry
up, Potter! (He pushes him out.)
41

Dumbledore: (offstage) And now Harry Potter will battle the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the
most terrifying thing you’ll ever see your whole life. It should be noted that this particular
dragon has not been fed in 2 weeks.
(Hermione and Ron can be heard offstage cheering for Harry as he enters the dragon arena. The
dragon head appears on Stage Right as Harry gets to Center Stage and ambushes him, catching
him in its mouth. Harry pulls himself free, attempts to compose himself but is obviously
somewhat panicked. On impulse, he reaches for his wand.)
SONG: HEY DRAGON
Harry: Accio guitar!
(He begins singing.)
Harry:
Hey, dragon
You don’t gotta do this.
Let’s reevaluate our options,
Throw away our old presumptions,
Cause really,
You don’t wanna go through this.
I’m really not that special.
The Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone.
The truth is, in the end,
I’m pretty useless without friends.
In fact, I’m alone.
Just like now.
But anyhow,
I spend my time at school
Trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for.
I don’t know any spells
Still manage to do well,
But there’s only so long that can last for.
I’m living off the glory
Of some stupid children’s story
I had nothing to do with.
I just sat there and got lucky,
So level with me buddy.
I can’t defeat thee,
So, please don’t eat me
All I can do
Is sing this song for you.
Lalalalala
42

Dragon:
Rarararara
Harry:
Lalalalala
Lalala… That’s right Dragon.
You never asked to be a dragon.
I never asked to be a champion.
We both just jumped on the band wagon,
But all we need is guitar jamming.
Harry:
Lalalalala
Dragon:
Rarararara
Harry:
Lalalalala
Lalala… Goodnight, Dragon.
(The dragon is lulled, and dozes off. Seeing an opportunity to seize, he jumps on the dragon as if
pro-wrestling and smacks the ground as he counts to three.)
Harry: One, two, three, I beat the dragon! WOOOOOO!!!!!
(Blackout.)

(The lights come back up on Snape as he walks on stage, holding a Yule Ball wreath, preparing
to make an announcement.)
Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students. Tonight is our annual Yule ball, so please remember to
pick up your Yule Ball wreath and give it to that special someone.
(Ginny enters Stage Left and walks towards Snape. Snape sees her suddenly appear and is
startled by Ginny’s presence.)
Snape: Ah! Ginger!
(Throws wreath at her. She catches it and looks quizzically at it. Harry enters Stage Left, then
the lightbulb goes off in Ginny’s head.)
Ginny: Oh, hey, Harry Potter.

43

Harry: Oh, hi Ginny!
Ginny: Fancy seeing you here.
Harry: Well, it’s the cafeteria, so yeah.
Ginny: So, the Yule ball is coming up.
Harry: Yeah, I know it is. Very soon.
Ginny: Well, were you thinking of going with anybody?
Harry: I was! I was actually waiting for the right time to ask somebody but I think that time is
right now, so if you got something to say just get it out cause-
Ginny: AHHHHH! (Holds out wreath out to Harry.)
Harry: Oh, is this for me? Oh, Ginny how did you know that I needed a wreath so I could ask
Cho Chang, you’re the best!
Ginny: (Cealrly devastated at his obtuseness.) Oh, Harry Potter, just forget it!
Harry: Alright, I will! Cool! Hey, Cho Chang listen. I know the Yule ball is coming up and I
was wondering if, maybe, you wanted to go with me, but just in case you’re kind of on the fence
about it, you should know that I play guitar and that I conquered that dragon’s heart with it, so I
think I can conquer yours.
SONG: CHO CHANG
Harry:
You're tall and fun and pretty.
You're really, really skinny:
Cho Chang!
Wanna take you to the city,
Get all up in your titties:
Cho Chang!
I’m the Mickey to your Minney,
You’re the Tigger to my Whinney:
Cho Chang!
You're cuter than a guinea pig.
I wanna take you up to Winnipeg--
That's in Canada!
Cho, Cho, Cho, Cho, China
Ching Chong Cho Chang!
Whatever.
44

(Harry immediately affects a disaffected look- sure, he just sang an awesome song, but he’s just
an average guy.)
Cho: Well, Harry Potter, bless your heart. Um, but, I’ma have to say no. That young, strappin'
boy Cedric Diggory already asked me and I agreed to go with him. Sorry. (She hands the wreath
back to Harry then turns to her posse.) Come on girls, let’s go show Moaning Myrtle our ball
gowns and make fun of her because she can’t go. (All the girls giggle and run off.)
Ron: (Enters Stage Right.) Hey there, buddy! How you doing?
Harry: Oh, hey!
Ron: Is that a Yule Ball wreath?
Harry: Yeah.
Ron: (Said with a silly lisp) Who you gonna ask?
Harry: Well, I asked Cho Chang, but she turned me down for Cedric Stupory.
Ron: Oh my God, they’re going together? That’s so great. I love him so--they are so cute--
Harry: No, no!
Ron: Oh my God, I hate him so much! He pisses me off! Wow. Oh man. That sucks, dude. I
don’t know why she turned you down. You’re like the coolest guy in school.
Harry: I don’t know! I don’t get it! I play the guitar! I’m Harry Potter! I’m awesome.
Ron: (offering candy) Reece’s Pieces?
Harry: Yeah...I guess I’ll just go stag.
Ron: Me too. The only two girls that I know that don’t have dates already are Ginny and
Hermione, and I’m not going with my stupid sister.
Harry: And I think of Hermione as a sister so that’s out.
Ron: We are in such a puzzle.
Harry: What a conundrum.
(Neville enters.)
Neville: My look at these strapping young men.

45

Harry and Ron: Hey, Neville!
Harry: Hey, Neville. Want this Yule Ball wreath?
Neville: Oh, yeah! If you're willing to part with it, then I will take this wreath.
Harry: Hey, Ron let’s go hang out with Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance, then we can get
into our dress robes.
Ron: That can only lead to disaster and hilarity! Let’s go! I mean, I just don’t know about
Hermione, though. I don’t think she’s going to go ‘cause she’s just so butt ugly!
Harry: Hideous! (They exit Stage Right.)
Goyle: (Walks in from Stage Left.) Give that plant nerd! (Grabs wreath and Neville runs away
screaming.)
Neville: NO!
Goyle: Oh, Goyle rules!
Draco: (Entering Stage Left with Crabbe.) So, anyways, it was reluctant enough at first but then
I lured it out of its cage with an upside down face, lassoed it with my fruit by the foot and
beheaded it with a quick slicing charm! Bloody fool. What? GOYLE? What are you doing with
that wreath? What are you going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?
Goyle: (Drops wreath.) No. Dancing’s for nerds!
Crabbe: And pretty girls.
Draco: That’s right! You know who the last girl is I’d ever ask to go to the Yule Ball with me?
That Hermione Granger. Not even if we were the last two people on Earth and she looked
absolutely stunning in her ball gown so every time I looked at her I’d get butterflies in my
tummy. Not even then. You know, they don’t even have dances at Pigfarts. All the noise would
disturb Rumbleroar’s slumbering cubs.
Goyle: Dancing is for pansies.
Draco: Right.
(Pansy enters Stage Left. Draco notices her.)
Draco: Hey, you there, what’s your name!?
Pansy: Pansy.
46

Draco: Perfect! (Walks up to her with the wreath and hands it to her.) You’re going to the Yule
Ball with me. You see that dragon? Well it was reluctant enough at first, but I lured it out of its
cage with an upside down face…..
(They all exit Stage Left.)
Act 1, Scene 9: Just Outside Hogwarts Ballroom

(Quirrell enters Stage Left with a bowl of punch and a punch ladle, looking rather suspicious as
he does so.)
Quirrell: Yule Ball decorating crew. Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. Last
minute decorations. (He puts the punch on table.) My Lord, the Yule ball has finally arrived and
I’ve brought the key!
Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrell, I hear everything you hear!
Quirrell: I’m sorry.
Voldemort: No, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped. I’m just nervous that’s all.
Quirrell: Nervous, why?
Voldemort: I don’t want to talk about it.
Quirrell: Hey, it’s just me. You can tell me anything, you know that.
Voldemort: Yeah, yeah, you’re right, you’re right. I’m just nervous because we’ve been
planning this night for so long and I-I want everything to go perfectly, you know?
Quirrell: Don’t worry. We’ve mapped out everything. We’ve anticipated every little problem
and compensated for it. We’ve even prepared what you're going to say to Potter when you see
him, so just cool down. Relax. By the end of the night you’ll have your revenge and your body
back.
Voldemort: Yup. You’re right, you’re right. I’m being, silly. But, you know, Quirrell, over the
last year I’ve really grown attached to you. No pun intended.
Quirrell: Yeah, I know what you mean. But hey, we’ll still hang out. Just because we won’t be
attached doesn’t mean we’ll be two completely different people. No pun intended.
Voldemort: No, no, of course not, of course not. Hey Quirrell, we should make plans.
Quirrell: Evil plans?

47

Voldemort: Oh, uh…no. Casual plans! Like umm, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday and
then see a movie at night.
Quirrell: Yeah. It will be great ‘cause we’ll both be able to watch it for a change.
Voldemort: Yeah. I bet it will be nice to sleep in our own beds…not have someone behind you
all the time…
Quirrell: And have the privacy of my old life back again. The solitude.
(They both sigh in dissatisfaction and a tinge of sadness.)
Voldemort: Well, whatever happens tonight man, it’s been a blast!
Quirrell: Yeah! One crazy year! Hey, promise we’ll go rollerblading and see that movie!
Voldemort: Oh man. I promise.
(Quirrell hugs Voldemort by hugging his own back.)
Voldemort: Okay! Quirrell, let’s go plant that key and split! Pun intended!
(Quirrell puts his turban back on and Snape enters Stage Right.)
Snape: Why, Professor Quirrell, what are you doing in the great dance hall just moments before
the dance?
Quirrell: Just decorating for the Yule Ball. Last minute decorations. Just one final touch.
(Quirrell drops the ladle in the punch bowl.)
Snape: A ladle?
Quirrell: A very special ladle, for a very special night, for a very special punch.
Snape: And what’s so special about it?
Quirrell: Let’s just say there’s Squirt in it.
Snape: SQUIRT? Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?
Quirrell: Is it? I had no idea. Well, we’d better be going.
Snape: We?
Quirrell: I-I better be going! Loud music hurts my ears.

48

Snape: Ok. Well, I’ll see you later then!
Quirrell: Or maybe you won’t.
Snape: Or maybe I will!
(He glares almost accusingly at Quirrell as Quirrell opens the door on Stage Left. As he does so,
Snape tries to exit Stage Right, but Dumbledore walks in through the door, bumps into Quirrell
and attempts to stop Snape from leaving.)
Dumbledore: Excuse me, it was my fault. HEY, SEVERUS!
Snape: Oh, Headmaster!
Dumbledore: What are you doing here? Getting some punch, are you?
Snape: No, there’s Squirt in that!
Dumbledore: Oh, only Harry Potter likes that hog shit. I’ll stick to my Red Bull, thank you very
much!
Snape: Well, goodnight headmaster! (Curtseys.)
Dumbledore: Severus, I saved this last dance for you. (Somewhat disappointed.)
Snape: I would, Headmaster, but you see, an old friend is coming back into town tonight.
(He giggles and prances offstage.)
Act 1, Scene 10: Hogwarts Ballroom

(All the people dressed up for the Yule Ball walk in and start to dance.)
Harry: Hey, Ron!
Ron: Hey, what’s up? Have you seen Hermione anywhere?
Harry: No, I haven’t, why?
Ron: No, it’s nothing. I just heard Parvati Patel telling Padma Patel that she had seen Hermione
in the girls’ locker room right before this, just crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall.
Harry: Crying? Why?

49

Ron: I don’t know, isn’t that just the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? I mean I don’t know it
was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that no guy would ever like her because of
her obnoxious personality and ugly face and misshapen body, but you know, I figured she would
get in at least one night of happiness before she realized she was going to be growing old alone,
you know?
Draco: (Overhears them talking.) Hey, you two over here talking about Granger?
Harry: Malfoy, get out of here. It’s none of your business. Why don’t you just go dance with
Pansy over there?
Draco: (Looks over at Pansy.) Hey, go get me some punch.
Pansy: Ok! (Cheerful tone.) Wait, I should tell you there’s Squirt in it.
Draco: Squirt?! Nevermind, I’ll stay dehydrated. Go-go powder your nose or something.
Pansy: I just fixed my makeup a little while ago.
Draco: Trust me, you need more powder.
(Pansy walks away, somewhat unfazeded but still upset. Draco then directs his attention to
Harry and Ron.)
Draco: Pain in the ass, right? So anyway, noticed Granger’s not around here. Probably for the
better too. Nobody’d be able to keep their hummus and pita chips down with that ugly mug of
hers dodging about.
Ron: God, why don’t you just give her a break for once, Malfoy?
Draco: Why defending her, Weasley? Have a crush?
Ron: No! No. Wild insults, Malfoy. Covering up a crush?
Draco: Oh, right, like I’d ever have a crush on that stupid-
Cho: OH MY GOD!!!
(Hermione enters in her ball gown. My god, does she clean up well.)
Cho: She looks beautiful, bless her heart!
SONG: GRANGER DANGER
Ron:
50

Here I am face to face

With a situation
I never ever thought I’d see.
Strange how a dress
Can take a mess
And make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me.
I feel like my eyes have been transfigured.
Something deep inside has changed.
They've been opened wide, but hold that trigger.
This could mean danger.
I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love.
I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
With Hermione Granger.
Draco:
What? What the Hell is this?
You expect me to sing about her?
Don't care about her.
It's just a little makeup.
Draco, wake up.
I’m mistaken.
She is the hottest girl I've ever seen
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen.
Don't know why I’d ever be so mean.
This could mean DANGER!
I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love.
Ron and Draco:

I wanna let her know
Draco:
I feel so queasy.
Ron and Draco:

But I can’t let it show
Ron:
She’d laugh. Poor Weasley!
Come on Ron!
Draco:
Draco!
51

Ron and Draco:

You gotta let it go!
You gotta let it go!
(Draco and Ron sing this next part together as counterpoint.)
Draco: (simultaneous with Ron)

WHAT? What the hell is this!? (Covers his crotch.)
I want to sing about her,
Sing about her.
I want to make up
Granger, wake up.
I’ve been mistaken.
She is the hottest girl I've ever seen
Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen.
Don't know why I’d ever be so mean.
Ron: (simultaneous with Draco)

Here I am face to face
With a situation
I never thought I’d see.
Strange how a dress
Can take a mess
And make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me.
I feel like my eyes have been transfigured.
Something deep inside has changed.
They've been open wide, but hold that trigger
Ron and Draco:

I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
With Hermione Grander.
DANGER!
(Draco runs offstage with his hand over his crotch.)
Act 1, Scene 11: Just Outside Hogwarts Ballroom

Ron: Oh my God, I can’t believe it.
Harry: Can’t believe what?

52

Ron: I can’t believe she’s dancing with every guy but me. That is so stupid, stupid, stup--
Harry: Why do you care, man?
Ron: I don’t! I don’t care. And that’s what I’m going to go up and tell her. I’m going to say “I
don’t care what you do” and she’s going to feel so damn stupid. She is going to feel like such an
idiot.
Harry: Listen, Ron, you’re acting like a real jerk, maybe you should take it easy on the
butterbeer.
(Harry tries to grab the butterbeer bottle out of Ron’s hand but Ron pulls it away.)
Ron: No, no!
Hermione: Hey guys!
Harry: Hey Hermione, you look great! You look wonderful!
Hermione: Hey, thanks! You know what, I used to think that looks weren’t important and now I
think they’re more important than anything. Oh, it’s just I’m having so much fun dancing with
everyone!
Ron: Wow, Hermione when did you become so shallow? When?
Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron?
Ron: (Maliciously.) Nothing! Nothing’s wrong with me, but why don’t you go ask
Shlongbottom to dance, huh? Go do it.
Hermione: You know what? Maybe I will! (Walks off indignantly.)
Ron: I showed her. I showed her so good!
Harry: Wait a second, wait a hot second! I know what’s going on here! You’ve got a crush!
(Ron tries to deny it, but shakes his head “yes”.)
Harry: Alright Ron. Listen to me, pal. Just a word of advice: call me crazy, but girls don’t really
like it when you’re angry at them, much less if you shout at them. Now, maybe if you just go
over there and tell her how much you care about her, ok, maybe you should ask her to dance!
Ron: What!? No! Cause then she’d know that I liked her. And you always know that you can’t
tell a girl that you like them ‘cause it makes you look like an idiot!
53

Harry: I know you look like an idiot! Any time you tell a girl you like her you look dumb, that
is inevitable. Listen, it’s something you have to do. And what do you have to lose? I mean look
at us, look at our robes! If we dressed like this in the muggle world we would get our asses
kicked, ok? So you’ve got nothing to lose. I bet she wants to dance with you just as much as you
want to dance with her. (Sees Ginny sitting alone across the room and begins to get distracted.)
Maybe there was something there that you didn’t see before. You just need to go and find
something special…you got to-gotta-gotta give it a chance. You need to grow the guts to-to say
anything.
(Harry starts to walk away, leaving Ron to his thoughts and butterbeer.)
Ron: Where are you going? Where’re you going, I’m still mad and sad.
Harry: Hold on. HP needs to take his own advice, pal. (Walks over to Ginny.)
Ron: Ok, uh, I’ll drink all this, I’ll drink all this. (Indicating to his butterbeer.)
Harry: Hey Ginny!
Ginny: Oh hey, Harry.
Harry: Can I sit down?
Ginny: Um, yeah sure.
Harry: So, ummm, how’s Hogwarts?
Ginny: You know, it’s okay. I was actually, I was really excited to come here but now that I’m
here I just don’t think I belong.
Harry: Oh, yeah, I totally know what you mean!
Ginny: Um, no you don’t. You’re Harry Potter!
Harry: Yeah, I know, but for 11 years I was this dumb kid who got the crap kicked out of him
and lived in a cupboard under the staircase when all of a sudden they’re like, “YOU’RE A
WIZARD! YOU HAVE ALL THESE POWERS!”, and everyone thinks I’m cool all of a sudden.
It’s weird. It’s kind of isolating. Sorry. Sorry I’m complaining about being famous. I’m sorry.
Ginny: Oh, no. I understand. It’s like when you first got here: nobody wanted to get to know you
because they thought that they knew you already, but eventually you’ll find people that will want
to get to know you for the real you.
Harry: You know what, Ginny I feel like I already have found those people already but I take
them for granted. So tell you what, c’mon, you want to dance? It’s the whole point of the
evening.
54

Ginny: Ok.
Harry: I got to warn you, I got all of my best dance moves from Hagrid, so I’m not that great.
Ginny: I’m sure you’ll be fine. (They get out on the dance floor together and start dancing.)
Whoa, Harry Potter. I don’t care what anyone says, you’re the best dancer that ever was.
Harry: Got a confession to make right here: these shoes I’m wearing, they are magical
enchanted dancing shoes.
Ginny: Oh woweee! Harry Potter!
Harry: (Chortles.) I’m just messing with you. I’m just awesome at dancing! (He dips her.)
(Meanwhile, off on Stage Left, Ron karate chops Hermione and Neville apart mid-dance,
butterbeer still in hand.)
Ron: Hiya! Ok, alright…ok. When you really dance with Neville is when you cross the line. (To
Neville.) Take this! (Hands him the butterbeer bottle.) Beat it. Get out! (To Hermione.) Come
here. Come here! (He starts roughly grabbing her by the arm, semi-drunk.)
Hermione: Why are you being so mean to me?!
Ron: I’m not being mean!
Hermione: Oww! Yes you are! You know, every day everyone is trying to put me down and on
the one day I actually feel like a person you’re trying to ruin it! (Clearly pissed off.)
Ron: Holy shit! (Very taken aback.)
Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron?! (Angrily.)
(Draco overhears the spat, and in a vain display of chivalry he enters and begins confronting
Ron.)
Draco: HEY WEASLEY!!! The lady said “no”!
Hermione: (Doubly frustrated.) Not. You. Too. You know what? I am so sick of both of you. I
hate you both! (She slaps both of them across the face, causing both of them to whimper, and
hold their noses. Malfoy is surprised and confused at this reaction and Ron is still semi-drunk.)
Draco: What did you say to her?!
Ron: Nothing!
55

Both: Ooh! I’m bleeding! Look at this! Ooh! Uuh! (They both whimper and repeat the same
technique that Malfoy displayed earlier when threatened—delicately touching the nose, then
looking at the hand and repeating. Meanwhile, on Stage Right.)
Harry: You know, Ginny, I’m getting kind of dizzy.
(They stop dancing.)
Ginny: Well, maybe we should stop spinning. From all this spinning, huh?
Harry: We have stopped spinning…
(Ginny and Harry kiss, but then Harry suddenly realizes what he just did and panics.)
Harry: Wait, no! N-n-n-n-no! I can’t do this! You’re Ginny Weasley! You’re my best friends’
little sister. You’re Ron Weasley's sister. I’m sorry, Ginny, I can’t do this. I’m sorry.
(She runs off crying. Harry then rebounds over to Cho Chang who is currently dancing with
Cedric.)
Harry: Hey, Cho! Hey! Hey, come on, dance with me, I’m Harry Potter! Let’s go!
Cedric: Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady!
Harry: Yeah, I know, and I’m, uh (makes a funny noise) cutting in so….
Cedric: Well, I find that to be very rude!
Harry: Alright, why don’t we find out what the lady has to say about it!
Cho: Oh, boys, there’s no need to fight over little old me. But by the way, Cedric thinks you
cheated on the dragons test.
Harry: Cheated!? Are you kidding me, that thing was trying to eat me. I was in its mouth!
Cedric: Exactly! What went on in there? I’d like to find out.
Harry: That is it Diggory, we are dueling! Let’s go!
Cho: Oh, Godric’s Hallow, all this excitement is making me thirsty!
Harry: Oh, Cho I’ll get you something to drink. I’ll get you punch!
Cedric: No I’ll get the punch!

56

Harry: No I’ll get the punch!
Cedric: Fine, have the punch! (He punches Harry in the face.)
Cho: Oh, you did it You did it!
Harry: Cedric Diggory, I’m gonna kill you!!! (He grabs the ladle and hits Cedric with it. Cedric
then grabs it and they both get teleported. Everybody else runs off stage as the scene changes.)
Act 1, Scene 12: Little Hangleton Graveyard

(Harry and Cedric fall to the ground and are suddenly in what appears to be a graveyard. They
are both disoriented.)
Cedric: Where are we? (He stands up.)
Harry: (Agitated.) I don’t know, Cedric. Someone punched me in the face and my sense of
direction got a little goofed up!
Cedric: Well, it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a port key. And now, thanks to
you, we have been transported to some mystery location!
Harry: Brilliant Cedric! Well, you’re a Hufflepuff. Why don’t you FIND your way out of this
situation?
Cedric: Harry, I think I found something! It appears to be a headstone. We must be in some kind
of graveyard. (Reading from the stone.) Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thomas Riddle...riddle me
this, eh, Potter?
Harry: Cedric, I don’t know about this place. I think we got to get outta’ here.
Cedric: Harry, you’re a Gryffindor. Where’s your sense of adventure?
Harry: (agitated) Jesus God, Cedric, you are so annoying! You’re like this guy who’s just
around all the time when I don’t need a guy around. You’re this spare guy all the time. You’re
just a spare dude. You’re such a spare!
Voldemort: Kill the spare! (Quirrell appears Stage Left with his wand drawn.) Avada Kadavra!
Cedric: So many regrets. I’m dead. (He dies.)
Harry: Oh my Wizard God!
Quirrell: Not so fast! Petrificus totalis!
Harry: Professor Quirrell! You just killed Cedric!

57

Quirrell: Not I, Potter, but perhaps you’d like to see who did! He’s dying to see you!
(He removes turban and Voldemort screeches.)
Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived! It’s good to see you again.
(Snape appears with a cauldron, masked and dressed as a Death Eater so you can’t actually see
his face.)
Snape: The cauldron is ready, My Lord!
Harry: Cauldron? What are you guys going to do, eat me? That’s gross!
Voldemort: As delicious of a dish I think that would be, I’d need a stomach of my own to be
able to digest you, and I haven’t got one of those. Yet.
(Quirrell and Voldemort jump into cauldron. Snape and the Death Eaters are chanting the
incantation over the cauldron as they add the items individually. They start with the Bone of the
Father.)
Snape and Deatheaters: Bone of the father, unknowingly given: You will renew your son.
(They add the bone.) Flesh of the servant, willingly given: You will renew your master.
(Snape then cuts off his own hand with a giant dagger.)
Snape: AHHHHHHH!!!! (He shrieks in pain, manages to contain himself, then resumes the
chanting.)
Snape and Deatheaters: Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken: You will resurrect your foe!
(Another Death Eater cuts Harry's arm open then drops it into the cauldron.)
Snape: Stop struggling. Detention, Potter!
Harry: Detention? Jeeze, this guy is almost as big of an asshole as Snape is!
(Quirrell jumps out of the cauldron, but no Voldemort is attached to him.)
Quirrell: It worked!
Snape: The Dark Lord is risen!
(Voldemort rises inside of the cauldron, shrieks again, and then jumps out. After jumping out, he
takes a few steps, clearly enjoying every one he takes. He then begins to sing.)
SONG: TO DANCE AGAIN

58

Voldemort:
When I was a boy,
An orphan boy,
I’d love to move my feet.
I’d hear a tune and start to swoon.
My life would seem complete.
The other boys would laugh and jeer,
But I’d catch 'em tappinl their toes
Cause when I’d start to sway, they’d get carried away,
And oh, how the feeling grows.
I’d take my foot--
My little foot--
And with that foot
Oh, how I’d start to shake.
I’d take two feet--
Two tiny feet--
Hey look! That’s neat!
It’s coming true.
I finally get to dance again! Wahoo!
To dance again,
I’ve been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now, at once, a chance appears
To hear the beat, so on your feet,
It’s time to dance again!
(spoken) C’mon, Potter! Imperio!
(sung) You take your foot
Your little foot
Hey look! Your foot!
See how it starts to shake!
Quirrell:
Ooh, try his arms!
How ‘bout a twirl?
He’s like a girl!
How overdue!
I finally get to dance again with you!

To dance again!
I’ve (you’ve) been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now at once a chance appears:
It’s lovely swaying and the music’s playing,
So come on, let’s dance again!
59

(Optional insert of dance break- Quirrell and Voldemort tap together, eventually adding tapping
Death Eaters.)
Voldemort: Everybody!
Death Eaters:
I take my foot!
Voldemort: You take your foot!
Death Eaters:
My little foot!
Voldemort: Take that little foot!
Death Eaters:
And oh my foot!
Voldemort: Lemme hear it now!
Death Eaters:
Look how it starts to shake!
Oh, Voldy’s back!
Voldemort: Hello world!
Death Eaters:
For the attack!
Voldemort: I’m gonna getcha!
Death Eaters:
He’ll take over the world, it’s true,
But first there’s something he’s gotta do!
All:
He'll dance again!
He’s been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now at once a chance appears…
Everybody make way
Voldemort:
For a pas de bourre
60

All:
It's time to dance,
It's time to dance,
Its time to dance again!
(Voldemort runs around high-fiving all of his Death Eaters, and suddenly Bellatrix Lestrange
enters from offstage being loud and boisterous.)
Bellatrix: My Dark Lord! You look fabulous!
(Voldemort turns Stage Right and walks in that direction towards voice.)
Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange!!!
Bellatrix: Oh, My Liege! Tell me it’s going to be just like the old days where we do nothing but
torture, murder, and make love!
(Voldemort twirls Bellatrix into his arms and dips her.)
Voldemort: Hahaha! Oh the old days are back, baby! (He motorboats Bellatrix and she cackles.)
Bellatrix: I can’t tell you what it was like without you.
Voldemort: Well I’m never going again!
(Voldemort drops Bellatrix on ground.)
Bellatrix: Oh!
Voldemort: ‘Cuz I’ve conquered death! (Walks away from Bellatrix Stage Left) And my first
pleasure will be to kill Harry Potter!
(Bellatrix stands up and goes to stand beside Voldemort.)
Voldemort: Next is to take over the Ministry of Magic and rule the world FOR ALL TIME!!!
AH HAHAHAHA!!!
Bellatrix: (clapping hands excitedly) And you will, My Lord! But not yet. For now, you must
stick to the plan. We blame Potter’s death on Quirrell so that your return may remain a secret.
The Death Eaters aren’t prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic, much less Dumbledore
and the Order of the Phoenix.
(She walks Stage Right away from Voldemort.)
Quirrell: I’m sorry, what was that about me going to Azkaban for Potter’s murder?
61

(Voldemort looks at Quirrell with shocked/guilty expression. Bellatrix is offended.)
Bellatrix: (Peeved.) Oh! You shall refer to him as “My Lord”, ”My Liege”, or “My DARK
Lord” ONLY!
(Voldemort moves to stop Bellatrix by putting arm around her shoulders.)
Voldemort: Oh no no! Bellatrix! It’s-it’s cool. (pause) Quirrell’s cool. Quirrell’s cool. (walks
toward Quirrell) He’s-over the last year he’s proven himself to be a very good fr—(freezes)
(Wistful music starts. Quirrell looks expectantly for Voldemort to finish his sentence. Voldemort
looks around in an uncomfortable sort of internal panic.)
VOLDEMORT: (saving face) —a very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord.
Quirrell: Oh, I see. So you’re Thomas Jefferson and I’m your Sally Hemmings, is that it?!
Voldemort: No, Quirrell, that…that came out wrong. (Walks to Quirrlel.) It’s not like that.
Quirrell: Isn’t it?
Bellatrix: Uh! Silence, slave! Crucio!
(She casts the curse. Quirrell falls to ground screaming like a woman. Voldemort rushes to stop
Bellatrix then looks at Quirrell with shocked concern. Quirrell makes crying/moaning noises.)
Bellatrix: HA! Haha! (to Voldemort) What’s the matter? He is your pawn! You are his Queen!
(Voldemort looks as if saying “whoa, wait a minute. What?”)
Bellatrix: It is an HONOUR to serve the Dark Lord NO MATTER WHAT THE TASK!
(Voldemort has been poorly trying to cover his concern. Blank-ish faced, he walks over to
Quirrell, then quickly bends down to him.)
Voldemort: Are you all right? (fidgets)
Quirrell: Did you really know the whole time you’d blame Potter’s murder on me?
Voldemort: (wincing) Yes…yes I—knew but things have changed over the last year. I feel
differently now.
(Voldemort tries to put his hand on Quirrell’s shoulder, but Quirrell jerks away violently.)
Quirrell: (nasty) Don’t touch me!

62

Voldemort: How do I explain this? It’s-it’s…it’s like that movie She’s All That! You remember?
We watched that together. Well, ah, you remember how at the end Freddy Prince Junior turns out
to be good.
Quirrell: (sitting up) No. I didn’t see the end because you were watching it while you were on
the back of my head SUCKING MY SOUL!
(Voldemort slowly stands up as Quirrell says his last bit. You can tell he’s shocked and hurt by
Quirrell’s words, but it turns to anger as he walks away towards Bellatrix.)
Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way, but I’ve got to take over the world.
Quirrell: Well, there it is. (stands up) I’ll let you know now that it’s gonna be pretty hard to
make that rollerblading date from Azkaban.
(Voldemort looks at Quirrell in shock and is hurt again.)
Bellatrix: (snapping fingers) Death Eaters, take him away!
(Death Eaters rise and escort Quirrell off Stage Right. Voldemort looks very upset. Bellatrix
grabs his shoulders while standing next to him. She puts her right hand on his cheek to turn his
face to her.)
Bellatrix: And now you have what you’ve waited for for so long.
Voldemort: (short) What?
Bellatrix: (Somewhat surprised at his lack of focus.) Your chance to kill Harry Potter!
Voldemort: Yes…kill Potter!
(Voldemort circles around Bellatrix and raises wand, but Harry’s nowhere to be seen.)
Voldemort: A-woah, where’d he go?
(Bellatrix shrugs. Harry appears from hiding place behind Cedric’s body.)
Harry: Not killing me today, Voldemort, but I’ll tell you what…(He reaches over Cedric’s body
to grab the port key.) I’ll get you some punch!
(Voldemort and Bellatrix run to attack him but it’s too late. Music starts and the lights dim and
Voldemort and Bellatrix spin off Stage Left while party-goers from the ball spin back onstage
from Stage Right. Harry and Cedric roll to Center Stage in the process. Finally, it all stops and
Harry looks around as the lights go back up. The party-goers are surprised. Albus approaches
Harry who drops the port key. Ginny is clutching her heart.)
63

Ginny: Oh my Rowling! What happened, Harry Potter?!
Dumbledore: Harry, what the Hell are you doing over here, you missed the raffle! (holds out a
ticket)
(Snape enters quickly through Stage Left door. He’s wearing a hook on his right hand but the
audience doesn’t see it yet.)
Snape: What happened in the graveyard?! (He grunts in pain, revealing the hook.)
Harry: It’s Voldemort! It’s Voldemort! He’s back!
(Music starts and lights go out.)

(Lights up on Stage front, News Kid 1 enters Stage Left.)
News Kid 1: EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! Harry Potter, the boy who beat
Voldemort, now says he’s back! Ack!
(News Kid 2 enters Stage Right.)
News Kid 2: DAILY PROPHET! GET YOUR DAILY PROPHET HERE! Harry Potter vs.
Voldemort: Round 2!
(News Kid 3 enters Stage Right.)
News Kid 3: Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, makes a statement!
(Minister enters Stage Left.)
Fudge: (cocky and self assured) I’ve heard these Voldemort rumors and I, for one, simply don’t
believe it.
News Kid 2: Voldemort talks about it on his new FluTube channel!
(All stage lights up, and Voldemort seen leaning on a desk in front of a laptop.)
Voldemort: I’m gonna’ find Harry Potter and I’m gonna’ piss in his mouth!
News Kid 2: He also does a review of 17 Again! (alternate: insert name of latest Zac Efron
movie)
Voldemort: Well it was a little slow in the beginning but, come on, Zac Effron. Zeffron! ‘Nuff
said.
64

Fudge: I’ve seen these, so called, “posts” and I still don’t believe it. This is a RUSE! You’ve
ALL been HOODwinked! (Walks off stage.)
News Kid 4: Professor Quirrell confesses to murder of Hogwarts student Cedric Diggory!
Receives life in Azkaban!
(General yelling from all four News Kids ensues about the headlines and to buy the Prophet as
they scatter offstage and the lights dim. The stage lights up again, revealing Harry walking
onstage, reading a newspaper. Ron enters through the door on Stage Right, cradling a huge
chocolate bar. Neville, Luna and Cho follow. Neville is comforting a grieving Cho and escorts to
the benches on Stage Left, then sits next to her as she cries. Ron walks up to Harry’s side, clearly
discontented, as Harry is reading the paper.)
Harry: Ron, this totally sucks, man. This-
Ron: (Mouth full of Hershey’s chocolate.) This is horrible.
Harry: Yeah, I know. I mean, look at this. It’s-it’s terrible. Harry Potter versus Voldemort: the
fight of the century.
Ron: No, it’s not that. It’s Hermione. It’s just, like, I can’t get her out of my head, and every
time I look at her, I have these pains in my chest and I just know it’s her fault, that bitch! I’m just
not cut out for this, Harry, I’m not.
Harry: Yeah, man, I know what you mean. It’s like when you’re trying to save the world and
it’s like the whole world is against you.
Ron: No! No! No! No! No! This isn’t about you. Why does every conversation we have to have
has to turn into Potter time?
Harry: It’s not Potter time-
Ron: No! No! I’m miserable! (He points to the chocolate bar.) And all you can do is talk about
yourself. You’re like the most self-absorbed guy I know. If you were miserable, I’d be there for
you but you won’t even listen to me and I’m sick of it!
(Harry goes back to reading paper.)
Ron: (Pitifully.) So, so, so good luck with whatever you were talking about…and I hope that you
and Voldemort live happily ever after. As for me, I am never going to be happy again. So I’m
just gonna’ go curl up in my sock drawer and sleep for days.
(Ron meanders off Stage Left as Hermione enters Stage Right.)
Hermione: Were you just talking to Ron?

65

Harry: Yeah, I was trying to tell him about Voldemort, but-
Hermione: Well did he say anything about me?
Harry: Uh, yeah. He said a lot of things actually...
Hermione: Well was one of them an apology for how he treated me at the Yule Ball?
Harry: Um, yeah, I heard about that. Listen, I was wondering if you maybe heard a little
something, I dunno, like maybe VOLDEMORT IS BACK! Ah Cedric Diggory is dead!
Professor Quirrell was crazy, and now I have to save the world! Did you hear any of that,
Hermione?!
Hermione: Um, yeah Harry, I have heard those things about a THOUSAND times but never
have they been told to me with so much SASS! Drop the attitude, Harry Potter. You are acting
like Garfield on a Monday.
(Harry acts severely offended.)
Harry: Well don’t you think I have a right to be a little stressed out!?
Hermione: What? No! No, I don’t. You know this is just like with the dragon, ok? I stressed out,
I told you to prepare, and yet you didn’t do anything and you were fine. You just played your
little guitar. I mean, I don’t know what you’re crying about, Harry. This is just like when you
defeated Voldemort and you were a baby.
Harry: Hermione, come on you’re the friend who’s supposed to tell me to go to the library to
figure this stuff out-
Hermione: Well, you know what, Harry? I don’t do that anymore.
(Joins Neville and the others by the bench with her back turned indignantly towards Harry,
giving him the cold shoulder.)
Draco: Read it and weep, Potter! Heard Voldemort’s back!
(He climbs/rolls onto the desk and begins to drag his body along the desk in a rather odd,
somewhat suggestive manner. He is mocking Harry, as usual.)
Draco: And he’s trying to kill you. What do you think about that, Moonshoes!?
Harry: Malfoy, I honestly don’t see why you’re so happy about this. If Voldemort is back,
which he is, then we might as well kiss Hogwarts goodbye. We might as well kiss the whole
planet goodbye!
66

Draco: (Still sliding his body against the desk in such a way that would appear as if he were
molesting it.) Kiss the planet good-bye? Having second thoughts about Pigfarts, are you?!
Harry: Malfoy, you’re the last person I want to talk to right now, ok?
Draco: (Stands up on desk with pants undone, but it is not obvious that his pants are undone.)
You know what? As soon as you’re out of the way, I’ll be the coolest kid in school.
Hermione: Malfoy, that will never happen. Everybody hates you.
Draco: Oh, right, ok. This coming from Hermione Stranger!
(Small murmers and chuckles of agreement.)
Luna: She’s right, Malfoy, even she’s cooler than you now.
Cho: Yeah, even Moaning Myrtle is cooler than you.
Neville: Take this! EXPELLIARMUS!
(A comical drooping noise occurs as Draco’s pants fall down, revealing an adult diaper.
Everyone laughs and points.)
Draco: OOH! (He attempts to cover his nether-regions with his hands.) Stop it! You guys, don’t
look! Don’t look at it! Stop it!
(Snape enters from behind the pillar near the desk and stares Draco down.)
Snape: What the devil is going on here?! Draco Malfoy, pull those trousers up at once!
Draco: (Incoherent babbling.)
Snape: I don’t want to hear it! I need to see you in my office…NOW.
(He brings his right hand out of his cloak to reveal a hook instead of a hand. He then slinks out
the way that he came in.)
Draco: (Pulling up pants as he gets off the desk.) This is all your fault, Potter! You’ll pay for
this! You’ll all pay!
(Draco runs off Stage Right with pants still half down. Everyone laughs him off the stage.)
Harry: (High fives Neville.) Nice. You’re the man! Awesome!
Cho: Well, that made me feel better.

67

(Everyone but Harry leaves through the door Stage Left while making jokes at Draco’s expense.
After they leave, Harry sits on bench and continues looking at the paper. Ginny enters Stage
Right holding a bag of Doritos.)
Harry: (Noticing her entrance.) Hey, Ginny. What’s up? Hey, I hope you have something to say
about Voldemort. (Hopeful.)
Ginny: (Eating the chips, oblivious.) Who?
Harry: Whatever. (Obviously let down, he goes back to the paper. Ginny finishes walking across
stage and offers Harry the Doritos bag. He declines her offer.) No, I’m fine.
Ginny: (She sits on bench and continues to munch on chips.) Um, hey, Harry?
Harry: Yeah?
Ginny: Um, hey, Harry? So…we kissed…at the Yule Ball…and, well, I thought we were gonna
be together forever…but we’re not…
Harry: (While continuing to read paper.) Yeah, yeah that, uh, that pretty much sums it up.
Ginny: Mm, what’s going on?
Harry: (Gesturing to paper.) Ginny, this is what’s going on, don’t you get it? Everyone is in
danger who’s near to me. We can’t be together because if Voldemort is back, which he is, then
you’re in mortal peril. Don’t you get it? It’s just like the Spiderman movie. Haven’t you seen
that? You know that MJ and Peter Parker can’t be together.
Ginny: But the whole point of the second movie was that MJ and Peter COULD be together in
the end.
Harry: Yeah, I know, but the point of Spiderman 3 was everything sucks and then falls to SHIT!
Ginny, what I’m trying to say is, I don’t want my life to be like Spiderman 3. I hated that movie.
I’m sorry, it’s just, that’s my little way of saying, well, we can’t be together. Sorry, Ginny.
Ginny: (She starts to cry and whine while cramming another chip in her mouth.) I’m such an
idiot!
(Ginny leaves through the door Stage Left. Harry looks very upset about what he just had to do.)
Harry: Ugh, I need a- I need a butterbeer.
(Dumbledore enters Center Stage, wearing an even faker beard over his already fake one.)
Dumbledore: Hey! Psst! Potter! Hey! It’s me!

68

Harry: Who’re you?
Dumbledore: (Removing fake beard.) It’s Dumbledore.
Harry: Oh. (Walks over to him.)
Dumbledore: Listen, Harry, I’ve got some very important things to tell you.
Harry: Oh? About Voldemort?
Dumbledore: Yes, things that are absolutely crucial for you to know, but I can’t get into it right
now. I need you to meet me in my inner office at ten o’clock and come by yourself. Bring that
invisibility cloak of yours and don’t go blabbing your mouth about this to anyone. Voldemort has
spies that could be anywhere, even inside of Hogwarts. From now on the only person you can
trust, Harry, is me and Severus Snape.
Harry: Listen, Dumbledore, I know you don’t want to hear this but I am not so sure about
Snape. I think- no I’m pretty sure he’s working for Voldemort.
Dumbledore: (defensively) What!? That’s stupid! You’re stupid!
Harry: No, no, no I’m positive. That night in the graveyard, some Death Eater cuts off his hand
and Snape shows up without a hand. What is that?
Dumbledore: Cockamamie! Snape has assured me that he lost his hand in an entirely unrelated
incident!
Harry: Dumbledore, why do you trust Snape so much?
Dumbledore: Because I love him! (Severus Snape and I share a kind of love that I don’t think
you will ever fully understand, Harry. (Touching, happy piano music begins to play.) I would
give him the clothes off my back. I would share my bed with him. If a snake bit him, I would
suck out the poison…even if that snake happened to accidentally bite him on the wiener. Harry, I
know you don’t understand what I’m talking about but maybe-maybe one day you’ll be able to
find this kind of love for yourself.)
Harry: But Professor, I-
Dumbledore: (Defensive.) Hey! I don’t want to hear anything else about it! There is no way that
Severus Snape is, was, or ever shall be a servant of Voldemorts!
(Lights go out.)
Act 2, Scene 2: Voldemort’s Secret Lair

69

(Lights come up on Snape and four other Death Eaters. He enters Stage Left and they have their
wands aimed at him.)
Snape: All hail Voldemort! (Salutes.)
Death Eater 1: Severus Snape, what are you doing here?
Death Eater 2: Got tired of being on Dumbledore’s lap?
Death Eater 3: I ought to Jelly Legs Jinx you right now, traitor!
Snape: Now don’t be goofy with me. I’m here to see Voldemort.
Death Eater 4: How do we know this isn’t some Order of the Phoenix practical joke?
Death Eater 3: I thought you deserted the Death Eaters when the Dark Lord lost his body.
Death Eater 2: Or were you always a spy for Dumble-bore?
Death Eater 4: Slumber-snore!
Death Eater 3: Bumble-sore!
Death Eater 2: I heard you had your Dark Mark laser-surgically removed.
Snape: (Inching to front stage.) Oh, well, if you two know SO much about me you should write
a biography: Snape, the Double Agent! (Uses hook to pull down left sleeve revealing Dark
Mark.) That’s right. I’ve always been a servant of Voldemort. I’ve simply been working
undercover, finding out valuable information such as the inner workings of Hogwarts...the roster
of the Order of the Phoenix…and finding out what exactly a true Hufflepuff is anyway. I’ve seen
things no Slytherin should see. So, if you’re done putting each other’s feet in each other’s
mouths, I would like to see my master.
Death Eater 4: Of course. Right away, Severus.
Snape: Good! I’ll be in the drawing room painting a picture of the stupid looks on your faces.
(Snape exists left. Lights up on full stage. Bellatrix is sitting on the desk ranting maniacally to
Voldemort, but Voldemort is sleeping in his chair, unbeknownst to Bellatrix. Death Eaters
approach the desk.)
Bellatrix: Then, after sneaking into the Department of Mysteries, we’ll enchant-
Death Eater 4: Excuse m-

70

Bellatrix: (She freaks out and pulls out her wand.) WHOA! WHOA! WHOHOHO! Excuse me!
I was in the middle of plotting!
(Death Eaters stand back, clearly frightened of her. They wait.)
Bellatrix: (She puts her wand away.) Now where was I? (Takes a moment to remember.) Statues
will occupy the guards in the main lobby while you and I sneak into the Minister’s office
(Getting more excited.) where you will be one killing curse away from complete control of the
entire wizarding world! (Brimming with excitement.) How does that sound, my Lord?!
Voldemort: (Silence.)
Bellatrix: My Lord? Voldemort? Hmm?
(She turns to Voldemort after his continued silence, confused. Voldemort wakes up once he
realizes Bellatrix has stopped talking. She looks at him in excited anticipation, making ta-da!
gestures.)
Voldemort: Uuuuuh, yeah!....Gringotts….that’s great, that’s great…Polyjuice potion, always

very classic… I’m sorry, what are we talking about?
Bellatrix: Did you hear anything of my evil plan?
Voldemort: Well, um…..the details are a little fuzzy but, uh… (Bella rolls eyes and walks to
Death Eaters.)…but you did have a very evil tone!
Bellatrix: (To Death Eaters.) He’s all yours. (She stalks off past Voldemort in a huff.)
Voldemort: (He stands up and pleads in vain.) Eh-I-Bellatrix! Come back! No-ah-don’t be like
this…(Follows her to end of stage then returns to and leans on the chair.He whines out the next
line.) Ohhhh… now two people are mad at me. (There is a long pause, the he looks to the Death
Eaters with an exasperated sigh.) What?
Death Eater 2: (Hesitates.) Sir, Severus Snape is at the door and importunes access to you.
Voldemort: Snape? (He makes waving gesture.) See him in.
(Snape enters from left dramatically, and the Death Eaters exit left.)
Snape: Is that a new body, my Lord? You look absolutely ravishing. (He bows deeply at
“ravishing”.)
Voldemort: (Obviously flustered.) Severus, for such a super-secret spy you’re a terrible liar. (He
moves around to sit in the chair as Snape looks toward audience.) I’m a wreck! You better have
some good news.
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(Snape has moved to stand behind Voldemort. As Voldemort speaks, Snape hooks him in the
shoulder, to which Voldemort makes a noise in protest. Snape moves hooked hand away.)
Snape: My Lord, you know how for years we’ve been trying to get Death Eaters (He hooks
Voldemort.) into the castle? (He pauses as both recover from accidental hooking.) For years
we’ve been trying to sneak Death Eaters onto the grounds of Hogwarts…well, I think I’ve finally
discovered a way how.
Voldemort: (Now very interested.)Well by all means, Snape, tell me.
Snape: (Despairingly.) I can’t!
Voldemort: Can’t? Tease! (He climbs up to sit on his desk.) Why not?
Snape: I made an Unbreakable Vow not to let any Death Eaters in.
Voldemort: Unbreakable Vows. I hate those!
Snape: I know, but I had to do it to convince Dumbledore of my loyalty.
Voldemort: Mhmm. Yes, Snape, I understand. Well if you can’t help me, what do you propose
we do?
Snape: Well I can’t tell you, but I’ve brought along someone who can.
(He makes a sweeping gesture towards the door on Stage Left. Draco enters through the door
and marches into Center Stage.)
Draco: All hail Lord Voldemort!
Voldemort: (He begins to crack up, keeling slightly while sitting. )Lucius Malloy’s boy!?
(Draco attempts to correct Voldemort but is clearly being ignored completely.)
Draco: (being cackled over) M-Malfoy. It’s Malf-
Voldemort: Are you serious?! (laughter) Help from a child, you’ve got to be kidding me!
(gasping with laughter and leans on desk) Don’t make me laugh, I’m pissing!
Draco: Oh, if this home-made Dark Mark won’t convince you…(pulls down right sleeve to
reveal a smiley face with a snake drawn for the tongue, then re-covers it with a melodramatic air
of exasperation)…then at least hear me out.
Voldemort: (trying to pull himself together) Ok! Ok! Ok. How do you propose we get MY
Death Eaters into YOUR little daycare center? And, and don’t-don’t suggest a giant slide or a
trampoline…cuz we’ve already tried those!
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(Draco walks to center stage.)
Draco: The vents. Your Death Eaters shall enter through the ventilation system of Hogwarts.
Voldemort: (eyes wide) DUH! THE VENTS! Ugh, how do we find these vents?
Draco: (mischievously) Oh, I’ll tell you how to get to the vents…but first!
(He strolls on over to the desk where Voldemort is sitting, maintaining eye contact with him. He
tries to do a sort of spin then catch himself in a lean against the desk but he misses. He falters
while trying to hold onto the desk to keep from completely falling. He fails at that too. He then
rolls himself back into standing and straightens himself out, but is now disheveled.)
Draco: We discuss the subject of payment.
Voldemort: Ah, the catch. (looks over at Snape as if to say “Of course…”) There’s always a
catch. (turning attention to Draco) There’s nothing in this world so cruel and demanding as the
soul (pokes Draco’s nose with his wand) of a child. What do you want, Milloy?
Draco: I want a galaxy traversing rocket ship with enough fuel to get me to Mars!
Voldemort: (obviously perplexed) What do you want with a rocket ship?! What business do you
have on Mars?
Draco: Well, let’s just say: (He starts to meander down center stage while chanting the Pigfarts
song. Voldemort and Snape follow behind.) Pigfarts, Pigfarts. Here I come. Pigfarts, Pigfarts.
Yum, yum, yum! (getting cut off by Snape)
Snape: (Rushing over to Draco, cutting him off.) With all due respect, my Lord…
(Draco makes a gesture as if to say “every time!” and walks to desk in a pout, showing a slight
air of defeat, but only for that moment.)
Snape: …there’s one tiny flaw in that flawless plan: Albus Dumbledore.
Voldemort: (snarling) Ahh, you’re right, Snape. (He sighs in melancholy, backs up to desk and
sits on it again as he speaks.) Normally I’d say “I’ll kill him!” but I- I haven’t been feeling so
evil lately.
(Draco pats Voldemort’s shoulder sympathetically. Voldemort glares at him, growling slightly,
and Draco removes his hand awkwardly and makes a poorly attempted “cheer fist” motion and
looks away, all of the motions remaining quite awkward.)
Voldemort: (looking at Draco) So here’s how it’s gonna’ break down, Milfoy. (He gets off the
desk and takes several steps away from Draco.) I need your guarantee that you’ll lead my Death
73

Eaters into Hogwarts. (He turns and faces Draco, making full eye contact.) I’ll simultaneously be
attacking the Ministry of Magic. (Snape leans over the desk and begins to menacingly, but
hilariously, wave his hook in Draco’s face. A little intimidation factor, if you will.) Now I need
you to promise that, by the end of the siege of Hogwarts, (he points his want directly at Draco
and holds it there, occasionally shaking it in Draco’s face as he emphasizes his point.)
Dumbledore will be dead. Leave Harry Potter to me, (He whirls around to face Draco.) but
Dumbledore (dramatic pause) must die. (He extends his hand to shake on the deal.) Do we have
a deal?
Draco: We shall shake on it. (He spits in his hand, to which Voldemort and Snape make comical
faces of repulsion.) An Unbreakable Vow!
(Voldemort cringes and draws his hand back. He turns to the side and makes coughing and
hacking sounds into his hand, then turns back smiling as he re-extends his hand to Draco. They
shake hands. Both share the initial air of disgust as they do so.)
Voldemort: By the end of tomorrow night, Albus Dumbledore will be dead?
Draco: Yes, and I’ll have my rocket ship?
Voldemort: When the technology is available! (He nods satisfactorily)
Draco: (Refusing to relinquish Voldemort’s hand as he hurriedly yells in the last part. As he
does so, Voldemort struggles to be release from Draco’s grip, but fails despite his nervous
squirming.) And you have to be my slave for a whole day starting now!
Voldemort: (He shakes his head violently when Draco utters the word “day”.) NOOOOO!
(Voldemort finally manages to rip his hand from Draco’s grip and steps back staring at Draco,
then to his hand, then back to Draco again in pure shock before pointing at Draco. Meanwhile
Draco is bent over laughing and jumping from foot to foot in triumphant glee. Snape gawks back
and forth, mouth agape, between Draco and Voldemort. He then begins to clap and giggle in
delight and disbelief.)
Voldemort: YOU LITTLE SHIT! (Smiling wide-eyed and in disbelief.) OH YOU GOT ME!
AH! OH THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING! AHAA! THAT’S THE SECOND TIME THAT
THAT’S HAPPENED! Oh! That’s why I HATE Unbreakable Curses!
Draco: Oh there are so many things I’m going to have you do for me! You’re going to clean my
room, (Voldemort makes sounds of displeasure and writhes a bit.) and lay out my knickers
(Voldemort turns back as if to say “what!?”), and you’re going to tape Wizards of Waverly
Place for me.
Voldemort: (clearly in discomfort) Ugh! I hate chores! (Sits on edge of desk, defeated.)
74

Draco: (Looking triumphant, he walks down stage and is facing the audience.) I’ll be busy with
a murder. (Starts to sing but gets cut off immediately.) Someti--
(The music plays and the lights fade out on Draco as he attempts to sing, leaving him to leave the
stage in a huff.)
Act 2, Scene 3: Dumbledore’s Office

(The lights come back up and Harry is walking towards door with Hermione close behind. They
stop Upstage Left at a door that leads off stage. Hermione is holding the invisibility cloak.)
Hermione: Harry, why would Dumbledore want to meet us so late at night?
Harry: Well, he’s got some information to tell us about Voldemort. Did you bring the
invisibility cloak?
Hermione: I’ve got it right here, but I don’t-- (She holds up the cloak and gets cut off by Ron as
he enters from stage right. He is clearly unhappy to be there.)
Ron: All right, Harry, this had better be good ‘cuz I don’t have a snack AND I’m missing
Wizards of Waverly Place for this, ok? So what do we have to do that’s so damn—
(A guy from the band off stage interrupts and gives Ron a bag of Red Vines.)
Ron: Oh my God, thank you! (Takes the Red Vines, clearly amazed.)
Band Member: No problem. (disappears)
Harry: Hogwarts is amazing.
Ron: (Agreeing, he hands Harry a Red Vine.)Want one?
Harry: Yeah.
(Takes it. Piano plays the last notes to Shave and a Haircut. Harry does a little dance to it.
Hermione has been looking at the boys in disbelief this whole time.)
Hermione: Well, you know what? I am leaving! (She starts to walk away, cloak in hand, but
Harry stops her and pulls her back.)
Harry: Oh no, no, no, no you’re not! No you’re not. (Harry is now standing between Ron and
Hermione who refuse to look at each other.) Ok, when I said that I needed your help I meant
both of you, so you guys gotta’ get over these (makes gestures to both of them) hurt feelings
before-before somebody gets hurt. Ok? Come on.
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(Harry takes a bite of his Red Vine then goes and knocks on door. Dumbledore opens it, wearing
a blue Zac Efron t-shirt and his robes open.)
Dumbledore: Hello Harry! (He is clearly creeping on Harry, but sees Ron and Hermione and
instantly breaks from it, agitated.) Oh, God dammit! I told you to come by yourself. Why did
you have to bring the fatties?
Harry: Dumbledore, Ron and Hermione are my best friends. They’re my best friends and if this
information is as important as you say it is then they have a right to hear it.
Dumbledore: Well, I’ve been wrong before. Get in here hot legs. (Dumbledore walks back
through the door. The rest begin to follow. He then turns around and glares at Hermione.)I was
talking to Weasley!
Ron: (Gleefully) Thank you!
(He struts behind Harry as they follow Dumbledore into his office. Hermione brings up the rear,
peeved. They turn around and re-enter through the door in the same order they left, but now the
lights are up and Dumbledore’s office can be seen.)
Dumbledore: Sorry the place is such a sty.
(Dumbledore walks over to his desk and stands behind it, removes cloak and sits in chair as
other three enter the room. They notice the Zac Efron poster, massive and life-sized, stop in front
of it and gawk. Hermione does this as she sits on the bench.)
Ron: (waving Red Vine) Oh! My! God! That is a BOSS Zefron poster!
Harry: It’s awesome. (Ron sticks Red Vine in mouth and tries to imitate the Zefron pose.)
Dumbledore: Isn’t he the greatest? You know, in every interview I’ve ever seen him in he
seems like a… such a charismatic, uh, humanitarian. (Props feet up on desk.)
Harry: You think you like him? Wrong! Because I love him the most. Harry Potter loves Zac
Efron more than anybody else on the planet.
(Harry and Ron join Hermione on the bench as he says this.)
Ron: Yes he does. Definitely, yes he does. (Nodding in agreement as they all munch on Red
Vines.)
Harry: Anyway, no! That’s not what we’re here to talk about. We’re talking about Voldemort.
Dumbledore: (Sitting up at desk.) Harry is right. Not necessarily about Zefron. Everybody
knows that I like him the most but, uh, (starts fidgeting with medallion) about the Dark Lord. If
you, uh, were to defeat this guy, you’re going to have to know about Horcruxes.
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(The three kids all look at each other, confused, then back to Dumbledore all muttering “What’s
a horcrux?” as they do so.)
Dumbledore: A horcrux is one of the most terrifying pieces of magic a wizard can create. It’s
when a wizard takes a piece of his soul and puts it into something else, (like a pair of glasses or a
butt-hole, for example.)
(All three kids share expressions of awkward confusion, clearly feeling a tad violated by this
information, especially if using the original dialogue. Dumbledore looks at them in a nonchalant,
matter-of-fact manner.)
Harry: Why would anybody ever want to do that?
Dumbledore: Harry, if you have a horcrux you can never truly die. Your body can be dead but
your soul can live on. (Leans back in chair)
Hermione: (Dawning realization) Oh, it makes sense now, Harry. Everyone knows that the
night your parents were killed that Voldemort was destroyed but, somehow, he survived. He
must have had a horcrux!
Dumbledore: (He stands up, holding the medallion.) He didn’t just have one horcrux, he had
SIX of ‘em! (He bends to retrieve a foam sword. He continues with his next line while he does
this.) I’ve already killed the first five for ya’, so don’t worry about that. But you guys have to
find the last one using…this. (He presents the foam sword of Godric Gryffindor. (Dumbledore
runs it across Hermione’s throat, suggestively, then walks to Harry. grinning deviously.))
Hermione: (gasps) Why, that’s the sword of Godric Gryffindor!
Dumbledore: (With snark, still grinning.) That’s right. ((He runs the sword quickly between
Harry’s legs, to which Harry makes a delighted “Eeeeeeheeeeheeeee!”.))
(Ron: Oh, do me! (He puts his arms up and indicates to Dumbledore to do the lewd thing to him
as well, to which Dumbledore obliges him. He squeals, giggles and claps in delight and Harry
does the same.)
Hermione: (Dumbledore hands the sword to Hermione then stands behind his desk.) This is
serious. Godric Gryffindor was one of the four founders of Hogwarts. (She hands the sword to
Harry.) Harry If anything can destroy a Horcrux, that sword is it. (Ron is handed the sword, and
he stands up in awe, as though he were wielding Excalibur itself, and he is staring at it.)
Ron: (With a Red Vine in his mouth) This thing is so. Damn. Awesome. Oh my God! Every
wizard should have a sword and not these stupid drumsticks. Forget about it!
(Ron chucks his wand behind him. He then proceeds to chop at things while yelling “Hi-yah!”
Everyone watches for a second before ignoring him.)
77

Harry: Ok, you know what, Dumbledore…so we know what a Horcrux is, that’s all well and
good, but how can we know where to find them? Where are they? How do we find the last one?
Where is it?
Dumbledore: You find them with this.
(He holds up the necklace that he’s been fiddling with and walks around the desk.)
Ron: Whoa! (Drops sword and runs over and grabs necklace. He proceeds to swing it like he
was with the sword.)
Dumbledore: It looks like G-Unit bling but it is actually a horcrux seeking medallion. (Walks
back to chair.)
Harry: Wait. That’s a horcrux seeking medallion? I don- that sounds a little too convenient.
(He and Hermione shy away as Ron starts swinging the medallion close to them before handing
it to Harry.)
Dumbledore: (sarcastically) Oh, so you have problems with a time-turner but not with a
horcrux seeking medallion? (Ron has picked up the sword again and is standing next to Harry.)
Hermione: So if he has this piece of bling then why are Ron and I even here?
Ron: Yeah, Voldemort isn’t even any of our business.
Hermione: Yeah.
Dumbledore: (Accusingly) Hermione Granger. (He moves to loom of the three of them. Ron sits,
intimidated.) When one of you’s ‘as gots a problem that means all of you’s ‘as gots a problem!
(He walks over to the poster, then strokes it.) What would Zac Efron say at a time like this?
(Singing like a fanboy)We’re all in this together! Anyway, (knocking is heard on the door, and it
is persistent.) anyway you just gotta’— just gotta’ find the horcrux and destroy it. It’s the only
way to—what’s goin’ on with that fuckin—(He realizes what’s happening now and begins to
panic, and the kids are just looking at each other, perplexed.) —Kids? Oh! That must be the
Death Eaters! (runs around and hides behind desk) They’re coming to kill me. Kids come get
your beards on! (He fumbles with a fake costume beard.)
Hermione: (In a panic) We don’t have any beards!
Dumbledore: I thought I told you to bring beards!
Harry: We have the invisibility cloak! (They scramble to put it on.)
Dumbledore: Ooh, well put that on—it’s not a beard.

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(The kids move out of the way and Dumbledore gets the beard placed and sits on his desk as the
Death Eaters kick in the door and enter the room, wands at the ready.)
Death Eater 3: Hey! Are you Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: (using a deeper voice in an attempt to fool them) No, no, no, see, I’ve got this
beard on.
Death Eater 4: Well, have you seen him?
Dumbledore: Oh, I thought I saw someone over by that bureau but I could have just been
imagining what it was that I look like without this beard on…
Death Eater 3: Alright! Everybody spread out and look for Dumbledore. He’s gotta be around
here somewhere!
(They proceed to look around the room. Dumbledore sits on his desk, and the kids move over to
the right side of the desk on stage right.)
Dumbledore: (Aggressively) Be careful with the Zac Efron poster, it’s an antique.
Death Eater 4: Why do you care so much about Zefron? (Focused on Dumbledore, pointing her
wand at him. All the Death Eaters then turn their attention to him.)
Dumbledore: (Pitifully) I just appreciate charm. And hair.
Harry: (Rapidly) And everyone knows I like him the best!
(Hermione and Ron scold him simultaneously, and the voices cause the Death Eaters to look
around inquisitively.)
Ron: Oh my God, shut up.
Hermione: Shhhh!
Death Eaters: What was that? (Looking around, confused.)
Death Eater 2: I wish that I could say that it was me because I feel that I love Zefron the most,
but it was definitely a voice from within this room.
Death Eater 4: Is it an invisible man?
Death Eater 2: Could the Predator be in the room?
Death Eater 3: No. Begin invisible man search!

79

(Death Eaters search the room by either swimming around the room or swinging and flailing
their arms wildly about.)
Dumbledore: (Removing beard, sounding defeated.) Alright, it’s meeeee. It’s Dumbledore.
(Death Eaters stop flailing and point wands at Dumbledore.)
Death Eater 3: Dumbledore! Where’d you come from?!
Dumbledore: The guy with the beard turned me in. (sobbing)
Death Eater 4: Now we’ve got you right where we want you.
Dumbledore: Yes, but what I don’t understand is how.
Death Eater 2: We had the help of a man on the inside. Someone you trusted. Someone you
may have even loved.
(Dumbledore walks up to Death Eater 2 as if to confront him.)
Harry: Slughorn?
Hermione: Lockhart?
Dumbledore: (perplexed and doubtful.) Aberforth, my brother?
Draco: (Calling from off stage.) No! (Enters stage left through the door.) It was me!
Dumbledore: Malfoy, ya little shit!
Draco: That’s right, Dumbledore. I betrayed everyone…and now I’m going to kill you. (points
wand at Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: Oh, no you’re not. Draco, if you were gunna’ kill me you would’a done so
already. (Takes wand out from hat and starts walking towards Draco.)
Draco: Nope! No! No! Not necessarily true! I just wanted to offer you one more game of
Connect Four before I off-ed you!
Dumbledore: Draco, there are other options. You know, it is time you looked inside yourself
and figured out what it is that you really want.
Draco: (Fights the urge to yell out feelings but fails.) I WANT HERMIONE GRANGER! (a
light, whimsical piano chord is heard as Draco breaks eye contact and spaces out) and a rocket
ship.
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Dumbledore: (Walks over to Draco) Then why don’t you just take the girl out for a Happy Meal
or go to space camp, c’mon! (Puts arm around Draco’s shoulders and begins to walk him to
center stage). Murder leads to a life of despair and desperation. You know you’re gonna do the
right thing, huh? (encouragingly touches his cheek) Atta’ boy.
Snape: (Snape enters through the door on stage left.) What the devil is going on here?!
Dumbledore: Snape! Thank you.
Death Eater 3: We’ve got Dumbledore cornered. (Dumbledore turns around, a look of
confusion and horror on his face.)
Snape: Well? What are we waiting for? Kill him! Do it, Draco!
(Dumbledore hastens away from Draco, stuffing his wand back in his hat.)
Draco: (holding his wand, conflicted) I-I don’t think I can.
Snape: Coward! 10 points from Gryffindor! (Aggressively advances towards Dumbledore, wand
aimed at him.)
Dumbledore: (Feeling betrayed) I don’t understand, I gave you my letterman’s jacket!
Snape: It. Never. Fit! (flicks wand and casts spell on Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: (falling to knees, whimpers and pouts) Oh God! Why didn’t you tell me? I could
have shrunk it with magic! Severus, please don’t kill me!
Snape: Avada Kadavra!
(He casts the killing curse. Dumbledore falls to the ground in the fetal position, holding his
throat, and dies. Snape turns triumphantly to the Death Eaters and they all cackle. Draco is
horrified and squealing “NO! NOO!” in terror. They all laugh cackle until Snape makes a
bowing gesture, like a conductor, indicating for them to go silent. They stop laughing, then
Snape stands straight again and they all pick up where they left off. Harry screams “Noooooo!”
but is drowned out by the laughter. Music starts, light go down as Snape, the Death Eaters and
Draco all scatter and leave the stage. The front stage lights come back up. Hermione, Harry and
Ron stand stage left, with Harry throwing a fit between the two of them. He is holding the cloak.
He can be heard screaming his next lines while the music is playing.)
Harry: I hate Snape! I hate Snape! I hate Snape! I hate him! I’m gonna kill him!
Hermione: (Attempting to calm him down.) Ok, ok! It’s not your fault, Harry!
81

Harry: No, it is my fault! Don’t you get it? Everybody’s dying because of me! First Cedric, now
Dumbledore! I can’t do it anymore!
Ron: (He grabs Harry’s arm.) Come on, let’s go to the Burrow! Come on!
Harry: (pulling free) No, no! Don’t you get it? I have to do this by myself. I did it once when I
was a baby. I-I can’t have you guys be near me. It-it puts you at risk!
Hermione: We know! B-but we don’t care about the risk!
Harry: No, you don’t understand. You-you have to get away from me.
Ron: You can’t mean that.
Harry: I do! Just leave me alone! (He runs off stage right with the cloak)
Act 2, Scene 4: Cornelius Fudge’s office

(Lights up on Minister of Magic Cornelius Fudge’s office with the same setup at Dumbledore’s
office, minus the Zefron poster and plus two pillars next to the desk. He is standing behind his
desk, looking pompous, as per usual. Voldeort runs in, wand at the ready, and faces Fudge.)
Voldemort: Cornelius Fudge, the Minister of Magic!
Fudge: I STILL don’t believe you’re back. (he turns away from Voldemort for a moment)
Voldemort: Believe this, Fudge! Avada Kadavra! (distorted thunderous sounds are heard as the
spell is cast)
Fudge: (He grabs his chest, but then sort of brushes it off.) A heart attack! Surely.
(Voldemort casts the spell again, and the sound is heard. The Minister falls and slumps in chair,
then dies. Bellatrix has slipped in behind Voldemort from stage left. Voldemort is looming over
the Minister’s body, inspecting if carefully to be sure he’s dead. Bellatrix leans forward waiting
for verdict.)
Voldemort: (Voldemort turns around, grins and growls in delight.) Ahhhh!
Bellatrix: (jumping around, jubilantly squealing) Yes! Yes! Aha! The Ministry has fallen! YES!
Now you’re the Minister—nay, the King of all magic!
(The maniacal laughter ensues again, but it dies down as they look at each other. They both drop
their wands and their minds have clearly gone to the gutter. Bellatrix makes a sexy pose and
giggles.)
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Bellatrix: Oh, Voldemort. Take me right here, right now, (tapping on the desk) right here on the
Minister’s desk! Mmhmmhmmmhmmm!
Voldemort: (leaning forward over the desk) Mmm, I’m gonna get’cha! I’m gonna get’cha! (He
begins to chase her around the desk.They stop halfway then change directions a few times.)
Come here, Trixie! (He keeps pursuing here until he finally catches her, slings her over his
shoulder and begins to slap her rear a few times, causing her to giggle and kick her feet
playfully. He pauses in front of the desk, a new idea in mind.) Wait! You wanna try something
new?
Bellatrix: Oh? So new! (He lowers her to her feet but is still holding her close.)
Voldemort: Get on the desk.
Bellatrix: (intrigued) Ohh!
(Bellatrix runs to the upstage side of the desk, hops on, and sprawls out over it. Voldemort walks
alongside the desk to the front, running his hand along her as he does so.)
Voldemort: (Leaning over her, making eye contact.) Now sit up. Bitch.
(If the audience isn’t laughing after this line then you’re doing it wrong.)
Bellatrix: (She sits up.) Yes. Command me, my Lord. Mm! (Does a sexy leg kick.)
(Voldemort climbs onto the desk behind her, leans into her and begins to nuzzle her neck as he
runs his hand sensually from her leg, up her thigh, up to her shoulder. He slowly turns and sits
back to back with her. He slumps down a little, his breathing patterns and facial expression
resemble that of a Voldemort post-coitus. Bellatrix’s giggling has ceased, and she is now
confused.)
Voldemort: (breathing heavily) That’s nice.
Bellatrix: So what do we do now?
Voldemort: (he sighs lazily) Anything we want. Hang out, mostly. Could watch a movie. How’s
about She’s All That? I’ve never seen the beginning of it.
Bellatrix: (clearly dumbfounded) Are you feeling ok, my Lord?
Voldemort: Of course I am, Quirrell.
Bellatrix: (Slaps the desk, enraged) Alright! That’s the dozenth time you’ve called me that!
Voldemort: (trying to save his hide) No! I, uh, I called you a sQuirrell. I-I called you a sQuirrell.
83

Bellatrix: (She stands up and faces him with a stern face.)No. You’re thinking of that peon we
sent to Azkaban.
Voldemort: He’s not a peon. He’s more a man than you’ll ever be. (Gets off of desk and stands
up)
Bellatrix: (frustrated) I can’t do this. If I’m going be evil with all of you, I need to be evil with
ALL of you. (She gestures up and down his body as she says “ALL of you”.)
Voldemort: Evil with all of me? What-what does that mean? I’m all right here. (He tries to
embrace her.)
Bellatrix: (backs away from him) No. There are pieces of you missing!
(She holds her hand up in a “I don’t want to hear it” gesture, bends to pick up her wand, then
leaves stage right between the archway as Voldemort calls after her.)
Voldemort: Are you talking about my horcruxes? Cuz-cuz if it-if it weren’t for those I wouldn’t
even BE here right now.
(He slams his fist against the desk in anger and frustration. The lights go down and you can hear
him sigh in exasperation.)
Act 2, Scene 5: Harry’s Room

(Music to Missing You starts as the lights go out. A moment later the lights come up, dimly
lighting the stage in blue and a spot light appears just in front of the desk. Voldemort sits at the
edge of the desk and the spot light is on Harry, who is kneeling on his knees down stage right,
clearly in despair. He is holding his cloak.)
SONG: MISSING YOU
Harry:
I can’t remember dad
And I can’t remember mom,
And aunts and uncles aren’t quite the same.
But I had him and life seemed fair.
Yes, I had him. He was there
To give me strength, show concern,
Ask for nothing in return,
Say hello, talk me through,
Do the things that fathers should do —
And I’m missing you.
I’m just missing you.
84

(Quirrell enters through door stage left clad in prison stripes and shackles. He walks to stand in
his own spotlight on stage left.)
Quirrell:
There it is. He’s gone
And he’s hung me out to dry.
The joy he said he felt, well, I guess it was a lie.
When I had him my life was fine.
When I had him he was mine.
He’d share his thoughts, be a friend,
Stick with me until the end,
Watch a movie, roller-skate,
Fill the world with fear and hate.
Harry and Quirrell:

Now I’m all alone.
Now you’re gone for good.
Now I’m stuck right here wishing I understood.
Harry:
You gave me hope when my spells weren’t right.
Quirrell: (backwards hugging self)

You gave me someone to hold every night.
Harry:
Quirrell:
Harry:
(The lights go down on them immediately and they leave.)
Act 2, Scene 6: Voldemort’s Secret Lair

(The spot light instantly comes up on Voldemort sitting on the desk looking solemn. A Death
Eater enters stage right.)
Death Eater 1: My dark Lord. Word from Severus Snape. Dumbledore is dead and Dementors
have control of the castle. Hogwarts is yours, my Dark Lord!
85

Voldemort: (He instantly perks up and screeches in delight.) AAAHHH!!! Excellent! Prepare
my flying machine! (The Death Eater exits stage right and Voldemort hops off the desk.) Looks
like I’m going back to Hogwarts! (He grabs his cape and swishes it like the Phantom of the
Opera. He too exits stage right.)

(The lights go down and more music is heard. The lights come up dimly on stage left, showing
Harry sitting alone with his cloak on a bench. Ginny can be heard screaming his name off
stage.)
Ginny: HARRY! (She clambers in from stage right.)
Harry: Ginny? What are you doing here? Get outta’ here! (He stands and walks over to her
center stage.)
Ginny: No! There’s no place to go! The Death Eaters are all over the castle!
Harry: I know and they’re looking for me and if they find me you’re gonna’ be with me you-
you-you’re gonna get in trouble! Get outta here!
Ginny: Well, what are you going to do?
Harry: I dunno, Ginny. I’m not cut out for this kinda thing.
Ginny: Well you have to do something! I don’t know what you can do but you can do it! You’re
Harry Potter!
Harry: No!
Ginny: You’re the Boy Who Lived!
Harry: No, Ginny, you don’t get it! Don’t you guys get it? I—(walks back to bench) — I’m just
a 12 year old kid.
SONG: NOT ALONE
Harry: Ginny, I’m sorry, but I’m alone. It’s hopeless. Alright? (sits on bench)
Ginny: (soulfully)
I’ve been alone,
Surrounded by darkness,
And I’ve seen how heartless
The world can be.
86

(She walks over to stand behind Harry.)
I’ve seen you cryin’.

You felt like it’s hopeless. (Puts right hand on Harry’s left shoulder. He smiles.)
I’ll always do my best (She puts her other hand on his other shoulder.)
To make you see (Harry puts his left hand over hers on his right shoulder.)
‘Cause, Harry, you’re not alone,
‘Cause you’re here with me, (Harry turns half way to meet her gaze.)
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down, (She removes her hands from him.)
‘Cause nothing can keep me from lovin’ you,
And you know it’s true.
It don’t matter what’ll come to be,
Our love is all we need to make it through. (She puts her hand on his shoulder again, but he
stands up and waves it off and walks towards center stage.)
Now I know it ain’t easy,
Harry:
No it ain’t easy.
Ginny:
But it ain’t hard trying.
Harry: It’s so hard trying.
(She walks over to him.)
Ginny:
Every time I see you smiling (She cups his cheek and he smiles and turns away.)
And I feel you so close to me, (Takes his hands in hers.)
Tell me
Ginny & Harry: (Holding each others’ hands and facing each other.)
That baby you’re not alone
‘Cause you’re here with me,
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
Our love is all we need to make it through.
(Harry saunters to stage left and throws cloak to the ground.)
Harry:
Now I still have trouble.
I trip and stumble
Trying to make sense of things sometimes.
87

I look for reasons,

But I don’t need ‘em
All I need is to look in your eyes (He stands on top of the bench.)
And I realize……..
(Harry riffs madly, not noticing that Ron and Hermione have entered stage right and wait in
shadows.)
Ron: (spoken) Hey, Harry! Yeeeahhhhh!
(They step into the light.)
Harry: (spoken) You guys came back!
Ron: Uh… can we sing too?
(Lots of hugging and embracing during next few lines.)
Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny:

Baby, you’re not alone
And nothings ever gonna take us down
(Harry: Lovin’ you!)
Our love is all we need to make it through.
Harry: (spoken) Guys, I’m so glad you came back. I’m sorry I shouted.
‘Cause it don’t matter what’ll come to be,
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny:

Our love is all we need…
(Epic riffing battle ensues.)
Ron:
To make… (puts hand in center of circle)
Hermione:
To make… (puts hand in center of circle)
Ginny:
To make…(puts hand in center of circle)
88

Harry:
To make it…(puts hand in center of circle)
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny:

Throooooooooooooooough!
(With their hands in the circle, they do a motion like a team battle cheer as they say “through”.
They all make a cool group pose after the song.)
Hermione: Alright, now that we’ve got that four part harmony outta the way, why don’t we look
for that horcrux?
Harry: Yeah, let’s do it.
Ron: Whoa, wait. It could be anywhere. If I had a horcrux, I would drop it in the bottom of the
ocean.
(Harry takes out necklace and looks at it.)
Ron: Or I would put it in a pyramid with King Tut and all his jewels. Or I would blast it into
space with a monkey who knew nothing about horcruxes.
Hermione: Or it could be hidden somewhere around the mundane British country-side. Our
search could entail months of depressing camping, breaking into Gringotts, and drinking boat
loads of polyjuice potion.
Harry: (Harry holds the medallion to his ear.) Well the medallion says that’s dumb so we’re not
gonna do that. Um, but it does say that it’s in one convenient place. Get this: Hogwarts. What are
the odds?
Ron: Oh, that’s awesome. I love Hogwarts.
Harry: And what’s even better is it’s in Dumbledore’s office.
Ron: Oh, bitchin’.
Harry: So let’s go! Oh, wait a second, wait a second. Hold the phone. How’d you get here? The
Death Eaters are all over Hogwarts.
Ginny: Oh, I had help. (grinning and bouncing overzealously)
Harry: From who?
(Ginny scurries over to stage right, does a ta-da motion with her hands and lets out a squeal.
Malfoy enters awkwardly from behind a pillar on the other side of the stage. The others turn
around, not fully paying attention.)
89

Ron: Oh, he’s over here. (Malfoy puts up his hand awkwardly as if to say “Hello…it’s me.” This
proesses in the other’s brains and they spaz.)MALFOY!
(Harry, Ron, and Hermione huddle together in surprise and point their wands at him. Ginny
makes excited noises and runs over next to Malfoy, shielding him slightly from their wands.)
Harry: Malfoy!
Ginny: Oh, no, no, no he’s really nice now! Yeah. (She looks at him encouragingly and stands
beside him.)
Draco: (nodding and smiling awkwardly) Um, I-I just wanted to say that that song you guys
sang was really beautiful. And, um, while-while I was back stage I was, um, working out my (in
a high squeaky voice) falsetto, and I thought, um, maybe I could-maybe I could join you but you-
you wrapped it up before I could chime in there so…. Maybe if you, uh, if you do a little reprise
I could have a little go at it, um, but as-as Ginny said, I’m REALLY nice now and I just feel
awful about what happened but, I mean, could you argue that this was MY fault?
Harry, Ron, Hermione: (They all nod and speak simultaneously.) Yes. Yes. All. All of it. Yeah.
Yes.
Draco: Yeah, that could be SAFE argument. Ahh, but, let me ask you one question: do you think
I’m happy about this? (trying to save his skin)
Ron: Oh my God, Malfoy. Just ‘cause you’re upset doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.
Harry: Yeah, and furthermore, do you want to kick your own ass or should we do it for you?
Draco: (looking back and forth between the 3 and Ginny) Oh, ah, well, I guess if you’re giving
me the option, I-‘ll-I’ll kick my own ass. Um, but first I should teach you how to get into
Dumbledore’s office. It’s ironically the same way the Death Eaters got in.
Hermione: Ok, alright, well, why don’t you boys head off to Dumbledore’s office? Ok? Ginny
and I will take the invisibility cloak (Draco walks over behind Ron and Harry and triens to take
them both by the shoulders, but Harry ducks away and gives Hermione the cloak. Ron hands
Draco the sword.) and, uh, we’ll see if we can contact the Order of the Pheonix. We really
haven’t seen them the whole play, so…
Harry: Ok, that’s a good plan. Now, (at Malfoy) don’t touch me, but let’s get outta here, let’s
go.
(He runs off stage left, avoiding Malfoy. Malfoy follows him, and Ginny exits stage right.
Hermione starts to follow but Ron calls her back.)
90

Ron: Um, hey, hey, Hermione! Hey, come on, come back, come down stage. (Waving her to
come down stage with him. She follows him down stage. He fidgets a bit.) Um, uh, listen, ahh,
shit…(fidgets), um, alright, hey…ah, so…I’ve been acting like a real jerk ass lately. You know
that. And, uh, and I’m sorry. It’s just- it’s just seeing you dance with everyone at the Yule Ball, it
just made me kinda jealous. Um, um, I was jealous.
Hermione: You were jealous?
Ron: (nodding awkwardly) That’s the third time I’ve said I’m jealous.
Hermione: Ok. (stuttering) Well, well, well Ron we don’t really have to talk about this right
now.
Ron: Well, well what if the Death Eaters get us, what if we don’t come back? Ya know?
Hermione: Now, don’t say that! –
(Ron grabs Hermione’s face and kisses her quickly. He quickly pulls back with a look on his face
that says “did I really just do that?”)
Ron: Whoa…
(They both just look around, stunned, mouths agape, and breathe heavily. Their faces both go
from flabbergasted and happy to disgusted. They hold up their hands to their mouths and start
checking their breath.)
Ron: Oh my God.
Hermione: Oh my God.
(They both turn and look at each other awkwardly and inch in closer to each other, unsure of
what’s going to happen next. They lean in for a kiss, but when Hermione opens her mouth Ron
pulls back because her breath is clearly not pleasant.)
Ron: Ugh, no way. (Shakes his head violently and reaches into his pocket and pulls out a break
spray. She opens her mouth and he squirts once into her mouth. She scrunches her faces and
smacks her lips in distaste.)
Hermione: Ah!
Ron: It’s blueberry.
Hermione: Yeah, I can taste it. (Still smacking lips.)
Ron: Let it settle.

91

Hermione: Yeah, yeah.
(Once she’s quite finished, Hermione attempts to do a sexy shoulder shimmy, failing, of course,
and they lean in again to kiss. Ron pulls away somehow faster this time, making the same
scrunched face he did before.)
Ron: Ugh, it’s un-godly.
(He reaches into his pocket again and pulls out a pack of cube-shaped gum. He puts a piece in
her mouth.)
Ron; Take two, take two. (He adds another and she mutters “uhh-huh” with her mouth open. He
puts the pack away. Ron looks at Hermione with her mouth open.) You chew it.
(She nods and does so. They both awkwardly shake off the initial shock of their first kiss with a
few shoulder rolls. Hermione attempts the sexy shoulder roll again, and fails, again. Ron bends
down to Hermione’s mouth and she breathes out so he can give the verdict.)
Ron: Awesome.
(They prepare to kiss yet again. Hermione reaches up and awkwardly runs her hand from his
cheek down his flank and to his back. They then start “making out”, or rather, start licking each
other’s tongues, sometimes hitting the face, quite open-mouthed. Ron pulls Hermione’s leg up
and they both flail and fall to the ground, Ron on top of Hermione. Hermione lays spread eagle,
Ron kneeling over her as they both grunt and breathe loudly. Ron slowly brings his arms up over
his head, fists clenched, yelling in a cave-man-like manner. He continues to make this noise and
stand like this for a few moments. He leans over and brushes his hand and pushes Hermione’s
face to one side. He drags himself off to stage left slowly, making the same grunting noises.)
Ron: Let’s go kill Voldemort!!!
(The lights go down as he walks to the door, opens it and slams it in exhilarated aggression,
leaving Hermione sitting center stage. The music starts.)
Act 2, Scene 8: Dumbledore’s Office

(The lights come up in Dumbledore’s office. Ron runs in fearless with sword in hand over to
Dumbledore’s desk. Draco is about center and Harry is stage left. Zefron poster falls as they
come in, startling them. Draco walks to it and picks it up reverently. Harry is walking around
inspecting everything with the medallion.)
Draco: Do you blokes see this Zefron poster!?
Ron: Yeah, we know, Malfoy.
Harry: Yeah, we know about it.

92

(Draco gawks at poster for a bit, stroking it as he does so.)
Harry: Listen, Malfoy, it’s not that big of a deal. Can we just look for some horcruxes, please?
Ron: Roger.
(Draco puts down poster and starts looking around desk. Ron opens a drawer and pulls out some
pencils and holds them up to Harry.)
Ron: Is this thing of pencils a horcrux?
(Harry waves medallion at them.)
Harry: No.
Ron: Damn it.
(Draco holds up entire drawer.)
Harry: Nope.
(Draco puts drawer back. Ron holds up a pair of glasses.)
Ron: Is this a Horcrux?
Harry: Nope.
Draco: Powdered donettes? (He holds up powdered donettes.)
Harry: Nope.
(Draco goes to put them back but Ron takes them.)
Ron: Those are snacks, those are snacks.
(Ron holds up sword.)
Ron: Is this a horcrux?
Harry: No, that’s not a horcrux.
Ron: ARRG!! This could take forever. The old dude has so many things in this room, but only
thing of real value…huh? (points to poster)…that Zefron poster.
Harry: Wait a second…

93

Draco: No.
Harry: You don’t think…no.
(They all stand there in disbelief that it could be the poster. Harry walks over and picks up the
Zefron poster.)
Harry: Anything related to Zac Efron would never by anything evil. It’s impossible.
(Voldemort runs in behind poster and opens trap door in Efron’s face, poking his head through it
and screaming. Stage lighting goes red.)
Voldemort: BLAAAAAHHHHHH!
(Voldemort holds up the poster as Harry and Draco dive back in fear and shock. Ron stands his
ground, clearly frightened and shaking, and has the sword pointed at the poster. Voldemort
makes more screech noises and hisses while flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth, swaying
as he holds the poster in a snake like manner.)
Harry: Ron! Kill it! Kill it! It’s the last horcrux. Kill it, Ron!
Malfoy: Ron, don’t kill it, that’s Zefron!
Ron: (Holding sword over head) I don’t know! He’s so charismatic! I uh—
Voldemort/Efron: No, Weasley. Don’t kill me. I’m not your enemy…
(Ron lowers the sword and moves closer to poster.)
Voldemort/Efron: Potter is the enemy!
Ron: Oh, no, no. Harry’s my friend!
Voldemort/Efron: You gotta get your head in the game, Weasley! He will betray you! He will
take what which you want the most.
Harry: It’s a lie, Ron! Don’t listen to it! He’s lying!
Voldemort/Efron: I know your thoughts, Ronald Weasley. I know what you truly desire.
(Voldemort switches out with Hermione.)
Hermione/Efron: Hello, Ron!
Ron: Oh my God! Oh my God, Hermione? You’ve lost weight.

94

Hermione/Efron: (In a creepy, shaky voice.) That’s right, Ron. I’m in shape for Harry Potter.
Haha.
Harry: (dumbfounded, on floor) What?!
Ron: Wait. What? Harry?
Hermione/Efron: That’s right! As long as Harry’s around, you’ll always be second best. Least
loved! But if Harry Potter were gone, then we could be together forever!
Harry: Ron! That’s not true! That’s not true, Ron!
Ron: Yeah, Harry’s my friend.
Hermione/Efron: But don’t’cha want me, Ron?
Ron: Yes! (Draco nods.)
Hermione/Efron: Don’t’cha love me, Ron!?
Ron: (growling, getting right up in the poster’s face) YES! (Draco nods furiously and inches
closer to the poster, still on the floor.)
Hermione/Efron: Then ya’ know what’cha gotta do, Ron!
Ron: Yes. I must kill Harry.
(His face goes blank like a zombie and he raises the sword above his head and begins to walk
towards Harry, dragging his feet slowly. Hermione continues to stand and hold the poster, but
Voldemort can be heard off stage.)
Voldemort/Efron: That’s right, Weasleeeeeey.
Harry: Ron, no! It’s a trick, Ron, don’t listen to her! (Ron shuffles closer.) Stop it! Listen,
Hermione’s my best-one of my best friends. I would never do anything to hurt you or her!
(Hermione now mouths the words as Voldemort shouts them from off stage. Ron continues to
stalk Harry.)
Voldemort/Efron: LIES, Weasley! All Lies! You know nobody cares!
Harry: Ron, you know that’s not true! You’re my best friend, man! You’re my best friend!
Hermione/Efron/Voldemort: KILL HIM!! KILL HIM!!

95

(Lots of yelling ensues from the poster, Harry and Ron. Ron utters a battle cry and turns on the
poster, stabbing it in the face. Hermione ducks out and goes off stage, so as not to get smacked,
dropping the poster to the floor, leaving it free for Ron to beat the ever-loving daylights out of it
with the sword. He yells “WAAH!” every time he smacks the poster, and Voldemort yells
“ouch!” or makes a grunt noise every time the poster is hit. The lights will come back up to
normal and the red fades away. As this happens, Ron winds down and stumbles to the side of the
desk and leans on it.)
Harry: (standing up) Do it again!
Ron: (He hits it again.) WAH!
(He pokes the poster with the sword once, then falls to the ground and sobs pathetically. Draco
goes to pick up the poster, looking quite concerned, and inspects it closely. Ron grabs for the
donettes on the desk and eats them.)
Draco: You could put some tape on this. It’s fine. (He coddles the poster.)
Harry: (grinning triumphantly) Ron! You had me going there for a minute, buddy.
Ron: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that, pal. It was just…everything she was saying, ya know...and if it
was like…I couldn’t…I dunno. (Harry moves closer to Ron, intently focused and concerned
about what he’s saying.)
Harry: What?
Ron: Even if that’s…how she did feel about you and me…well, it wouldn’t matter. You’re my
best friend. (Harry turns and bites his fist like he’s trying not to cry.)
Ron: (He hobbles up on to his feet.)And I would never do anything to hurt you-(also turns and
bites fist-‘cuz I love you.
Harry: (starts to cry) I love you too, man!
(Ron and Harry both embrace with opens arms, basking in their glorious bromance. You can
hear sappy babbling about how much one loves the other, and Draco tries to join in, poster in
hand, but Ron pushes him away with his butt. They stop hugging to glare at him. Draco looks
around awkwardly then sits on Dumbledore’s desk, still holding on to the Zefron poster while it’s
propped on his legs.)
Draco: Well, um, listen chaps, as fun as this was, I thought destroying a horcrux would be much
harder.
Harry: Yeah, me too.

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Ron: (Ron picks up sword and sits next to Draco on desk.)Yeah, when you think about it,
horcruxes are just kinda’ stupid.
Harry: Yeah, a little bit, uh–
(Bellatrix kicks in the door on stage left, dragging Hermione behind her by the hair. She has her
wand on the 3 boys on the desk. The four Death Eaters come with her, dragging Ginny. Harry
points his wands and Ron, his sword, and they are screaming at her in surprise. Draco clings
the poster, screaming like a little girl.)
Ron: (screaming over the others) WOAH! WOAH! WOAH!
Bellatrix: WANDS DOWN BOYS! Ha ha!
Draco: How did you idiots get captured?! You were invisible!
Hermione: Sorry.
(One Death Eater has his wand on Hermione, and the others have theirs on Ginny.)
Bellatrix: Do it, Potter, they die!
Harry: Well, looks like we got our backs up against the wall with nowhere to go. Put your
swords down and wands. (Harry and Ron drop their sword and wand.)
Bellatrix: (mocking) Aww, look at itty bitty Hawwy Potter giving orders to his itty bitty diaper
fwiends! (She is bent over laughing at her own joke.)
Harry: I’m not a baby! I’m not a baby! I’m twelve! I’m at Hogwarts!
(Snape barges in through the door, stage left.)
Snape: What the devil is going on HEEEEEREEE?! (He breaks his character accent and
relaxes for a moment.) Woah, déjà vu. I’m sor-(He snaps back into character and yells the last
sound in the word “here”.)
Bellatrix: Snape! I love it! We have Potter and his friends at last!
Hermione: (At Snape.) You are a VERY mean person!
Ron: Yeah! Dumbledore trusted you!
Harry: Yeah, you’re a big, fat traitor, Snape!
Snape: Oh! A traitor, am I, Potter? You’re exactly right. I am a traitor because I am about to
betray someone. Right. Now. HIYA! (He cuts the Death Eater holding Ginny, then the one
97

behind him. Ron and Harry are pointing and screaming in horror as Ginny and Hermione run to
the desk with the others. At last Death Eater) Bat Bogey Hex!
Death Eater 4: No!
(The third Death Eater flaps their arms like a bird and flies off stage left.)
Bellatrix: Expelliarmus!
(Snape drops his wand. He pauses and looks at her for a moment, then charges at her,
screaming, with his hook ready to slash.)
Snape: AHHHH!
Bellatrix: Serpensortia!
(A crew member runs out with a plush snake and attaches it to Snape’s vital regions, then runs
off stage. The whole crew except Bellatrix cringes and several have their mouths agape,
scrunching their faces in sympathetic agony.)
Snape: (Holding the snake and slowly turning towards the audience.) MY WEINER! (He
collapses on the ground in pain, twitching slightly.)
Harry: Snape! No, Snape! (Harry and Hermione move to help Snape but are stopped by
Bellatrix, who has since aimed her wand back at them.)
Bellatrix: Oh, ho, oh! Don’t even think about moving unless any one of you wants a snake to the
wiener! Ah! (Harry and Hermione step back to the others. Ron scoots closer to Malfoy and both
use the poster to cover their vitals.) Now come on, Potter. You’re coming with me! Only the
Dark Lord has reserved the right to kill you. (Harry starts to follow Bellatrix.) Come on!
(Mrs. Weasley enters stage left.)
Mrs. Weasley: Kids!
Ron: Mom!?
Harry: Mrs. Weasley!?
Bellatrix: Who the Hell are you?!
Mrs. Weasley: I’m Molly Weasley and those are my kids. (Bellatrix looks back and forth
between Molly and the kids, clearly confused.)Avada Kadavra!
Bellatrix: (doubles over) Oh! That is NOT fair!

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Mrs. Weasley: (She casts the spell again and the thunder noise is heard again.) Die, bitch!
(Bellatrix dies. Everyone looks flabbergasted at first, but then they cheer. Molly goes back to
looking like the sweet mom again, and Ron saunters over to her, stepping over the bodies, with
Ginny in tow.)
Ron: Holy shit!!! Mom, you just killed her! I thought you were gonna tuck in her shirt or make
her do the dishes!
(Ron and Ginny both hug their mom then stand side by side. Molly then loudly claps I their faces,
causing them to whine obnoxiously and cover their ears.)
Mrs. Weasley: Stupid kids! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Even the Unforgivable
can be considered forgivable sometimes. (She fixes Ron’s hair.)
Ginny: What are you doing here?
Mrs. Weasley: (chipper tone) I came here with the Order of the Pheonix: Lupin, Tonks, Mad-
Eye Moody, Sirius Black, and your brother Fred.
Ron: Oh, great, where are they?
Mrs. Weasley: They’re all dead. (seemingly unphased)
Ginny: Oh Fred. ..no.
Mrs. Weasley: (Still fussing over their appearance, like a stereotypical Jewish mother.)Anyway,
just came here to save your lives. Go back to what you were doing. Disapparate! (Molly flicks
her wand as she blows her kids a kiss, then spins off stage through the door. Ginny waves bye
and Ron stands stunned for a moment, but then everyone snaps out of it and run over to Snape.)
Harry: Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape! Uh, Expelliarmus! (He casts a spell and the snake is
thrown off of a groaning Snape. Ron runs and proceeds to jump on the snake, yelling “DIE!” as
he does so. Everyone gathers around Snape.)
Hermione: Oh no! Harry this does not look good. That is a coral snake and a coral snake is a
highly poisonous snake.
(Harry cradles Snape in his arms/lap. Hermione and Draco kneel on either side of Harry with
Ginny next to Draco. Ron kneels next to Hermione after kicking the snake off stage.)
(Harry: Well, someone’s gotta’ suck out the poison!)
(Everybody goes wide-eyed and each has a different look of “HELL NO” on their face. Draco is
shaking his head and Ron is saying “OH, OH…” while the two girls just stare as if to say “Are
you kidding me?!”)
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(Draco: (shaking head) No, no, no, I’m not doing that.)
(Snape: (Longingly, but kind of whining) I wish Dumbledore were here.)
(Harry: (Looking around desperately) Ok, I mean, well…Hermione, do your thing.)
Ron: (No, no noooo. No, no,) I think-I think we should-we should just let Snape die. Just, let
him die.
Harry: What, how can you say that? He saved our lives!
Snape: No, no, Potter, he’s right. It’s too late for me now. Before I go, I need to tell you: there is
another horcrux.
Hermione: How can that be? All six have been destroyed.
Snape: No, no! There’s a seventh.
Ron: Oh I really hope it’s not an Ashley Tisdale poster. I can’t deal with that.
Snape: Check the medallion!
Harry: (Harry holds up medallion, looks at it, then holds it to his ear like he’s trying to hear it
speak.)It doesn’t say anything.
Snape: Well, give it to Granger.
(Harry gives the medallion to Hermione. She holds it up and looks at it.)
Hermione: It-It says there’s one right here but I don’t understand.
Snape: Harry, the night Voldemort killed your parents, he tried to destroy you but his body was
destroyed instead. When that happened, a part of his soul was blasted away from the whole and
attached itself to you. (Snape reaches his hook arm up as he says “attached itself to you”. Harry
then moves to touch the hook with his nose since Snape is too weak to finish the gesture.)
Voldemort can never truly die until ALL the horcruxes have been destroyed.
Hermione: But if-if Harry’s a horcrux…does Harry have to be destroyed”?
Harry: There’s gotta be another way!
Snape: No. Potter. I’ll show you what you need to do. (Props himself up a bit.) Watch. Very.
Carefully.
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(Snape pauses dramatically, then collapses dead. The kids all just stare at him in shock, except
for Draco, the witless wonder, who is the only confused one.)
Draco: He-he didn’t even do anything…
Harry: (Agitated and in disbelief) That’s ’cause he’s dead, you dumb motherf-…
(The lights darken on the kids until almost black, and the spot next to them light up in an eerie
blue green. Voldemort enters, taps his wand authoritatively on the ground and clears his throat
to get everyone’s attention, obviously about to make a speech. He places the tip of his wand at
the base of his jaw and throat, near the jugular.)
Voldemort: People of Hogwarts, my Death Eaters have taken the castle, and your Headmaster,
Albus Dumbledore, is dead. Continue to resist, and you will all be killed. One. By. One. But,
there need not be war between us. You’ve all fought so valiantly and I’m willing to offer you all
positions in my new world order, (He removes the wand from his throat.) as my slaves. (He
replaces the wand.) Give up now and be forgiven. I command my Death Eaters to stand down.
Now, Harry Potter, I speak directly to you.
(Harry stands up.)
Voldemort: If you do not wish for those close to you to continue to suffer and die on your
behalf, you will come face me yourself. I will be waiting for you in the Forbidden Forest for one
hour. At the end of that hour you have not come to face me, have not turned yourself in, the
battle recommences. And this time, Potter, I shall enter the fray myself and I will find you. And I
will murder every last man (Ron gasps and puts hand over mouth.), woman (Hermione gasps
and puts hand over mouth.), and child (Draco gasps “No.”) who has tried to conceal you from
me. Voldemort out, bitches.
(Voldemort slaps the ground twice with his wand and walks off stage left. The green blue light
goes out and the lights come back up normally on stage right.)
Hermione: Alright, guys, don’t worry. We-we still have an hour. Ok? We just need to come up
with a plan. (She’s trying to be hopeful but is failing miserably. Ron looks as though he could
start to cry at any moment, and Harry’s tone is solemn.)
Harry: There’s no plan, Hermione. I-I know what I have to do. I-I have to die.
Ginny: (Desperately) No, no, no, no! There’s gotta’ be another way!
(Harry walks far Stage Right. Hermione stands up and hurriedly starts rummaging in
Dumbledore’s desk.)
Hermione: Well, um, uh, maybe-maybe there’s something in this book. (She opens the book and
Ron joins her.) You know, we could find some sort of enchantment that will nullify–
101

Harry: No, no, Hermione, forget about it. There’s only one thing to do. (They all stop and look
at Harry. Ginny moves to stand behind him. He picks up the invisibility cloak off the ground.)I
have to die. I love you all. Except you, Draco, I can’t (fuckin’) stand you. (He looks around
quickly at everyone.) Good bye. (Harry runs off stage right as Ron, Hermione, and Ginny call
for him not to go. The lights go out, and a dramatic musical interlude is heard.)
Act 2, Scene 9: The Forbidden Forest

(The lights come back up slowly, but they are tinged with purple, blue and green. Several Death
Eaters stand around the stage with Voldemort pacing in the middle.)
Death Eater 2: He’s not coming, my Lord.
Voldemort: It seems that way. (Harry sneaks on from stage right wearing invisibility cloak. He
walks up behind Voldemort.) Well, Death Eaters, looks like we’re going back to seize the castle.
This is what Potter has chosen. (He starts to walk towards stage left, but pauses.) Funny, I
expected-I expected him to come. It seems I was mistaken. (He goes to walk off stage left but
Harry rips off his cloak and reveals himself.)
Harry: You weren’t!
(Voldemort turns and the Death Eaters flank Harry. Voldemort looks shocked and his mouth
hangs agape for a few moments before he speaks. The stage lights are quite dark.)
Voldemort: (Growling.)Ahhh! Harry Potter! The boy who lived! CRUCIO! (An eerie sound is
heard as the spell is cast, and Harry falls yelling out in pain.)
Harry: AH! AAHA! OW!
Voldemort: (He jumps forward, right next to Harry.) CRUCIO!!!
Harry: (Writhing and whimpering.) AH!!! (The sound is heard as the spell is cast again.
Voldemort straightens himself, confused.)
Voldemort: You’re not even going to fight back? (Harry drops his wand and Voldemort stands
there staring at him, his anger building. He growls, then recollects himself, changing his
approach. He speaks in a calm tone.) You’re weak. Weak. Just. Like. Your. Parents. (He pokes
Harry with his wand and chuckles sadistically. He starts to walk towards center stage.) They did
not deserve to live in this world– IN MY WORLD! Prepare to join them. Prepare to die.
AVADA KADAVRA!
(A cymbal is hit and the dark spotlight falls black, but the background lights remain on. Harry
spasms for a moment, then lays motionless, dead. The dark spotlight comes back up on
Voldemort and the Death Eaters all cheer “Volde! Volde!” and do a few fist pumps.)
102

Death Eater 1: You’ve done it, my Lord! Potter is dead! No one shall ever question your powers
again!
Voldemort: Hm, yes. (He grins and looks over the body.)
Death Eater 4: Doesn’t this please you, my Lord?
Voldemort: (Only semi-satisfied. He nods slightly.) Yeah. Yeah, it’s great, it’s really great…I
just thought it might make me feel less empty inside. (He walks away towards stage left where
the Death Eaters stand.) Well Death Eaters, we go back to Hogwarts to tell them what has
become of their…(He turns back and grins nastily at Harry’s body.)…hero. (All exit Stage Left
and the lights go out.)
Act 2, Scene 10: Somewhere Between Our World And The Next
(Whimsical music is heard and a spotlight comes up on Dumbledore carrying a bench and
notepad on stage. Harry gasps in a new breath of air.)
Dumbledore: Hey, Harry.
Harry: Wha-? Dumbledore? Wha-? (Dumbledore puts the bench down at front center and
stands next to it, holding the notepad.) What-what are you doing here? Wh-where am I? I– I
thought I was dead. I got shocked by Voldemort. (Harry stands up.)
Dumbledore: Let’s just say you’re somewhere between our world and the next. (He sits down
on the bench.)
Harry: What? Did I survive? Wha-? What happened?
Dumbledore: Wouldn’t be the first time, Potter. Take a seat.
Harry: Alright.
(Harry goes to sit next to Dumbledore but is too distracted looking around to actually sit.)
Dumbledore: Harry, have you ever heard of a lo– sit down! (Harry sits.) Have you ever heard of
a love shield?
Harry: Uh, no, but it sounds kinda- kinda fruity.
Dumbledore: A love shield is anything but fruity. It’s when somebody loves you so much that if
they were ever willing to give their life for you that love literally becomes a shield which
surrounds your body to protect you from any form of dark magic.
Harry: So is this what happened to me? I have a love shield?

103

Dumbledore: Harry…it’s time for you to learn all the things you should have known seven
years ago which really would have helped you along the way. (He reads from notepad like he’s
reading from a grocery list.) The love shield protected you the first time. Uh, Voldemort
accidentally turned you into the seventh horcrux, the one that not even he knew about–
Harry: (Pointing to the notepad.) Ah, that’s why I survived the first time.
Dumbledore: Exactly, and when Voldemort tried killing you this time, he was actually
unknowingly killing the piece of himself inside of you, uh, (nonchalantly) and I’ve known the
whole time.
Harry: You’ve known this whole time!? You bastard!
Dumbledore: Hey. Hey. (grinning) They don’t call me the greatest wizard who ever lived for
nothing. (He stands and circles around bench to stand behind Harry.) Now, Harry, it is time for
you to get your cute little butt back there and fight him as a mortal man, except this time he will
be a mortal man too. (He puts his hand on Harry’s shoulder.)
(Harry: (Looking at lap and fiddling with wand.) Dumbledore, I don’t know. What if–what if I
can’t?)
(Dumbledore: What do you mean “can’t”? Think that ever stopped me, Harry? Harry, (Puts his
hands on Harry’s shoulders.) the true power of a wizard is not measured in how many spells he
knows or how many horcruxes he’s got. The true power of a wizard is right here. (He puts his
right hand down Harry’s shirt and stares off into the distance. Harry smiles comically and rubs
his head into Dumbledore’s arm.))
Harry: You know what?(He puts his hand on Dumbledore’s.) Dumbledore. I get what you’re
saying. I know what I have to do.
Dumbledore: Good boy, good boy.
(Harry stands up and starts to leave stage right, and Dumbledore turns towards stage left.
Before they leave completely, Harry turns around again to face Dumbledore with wand and
cloak in hand.)
Harry: Hey, before I go…um, so you’re clairvoyant now, right? You can see the past, present,
and future all at the same time?
Dumbledore: (Grinning somewhat arrogantly.) Oh, yeah.
Harry: Can you tell me how Lost ends? (alt: another popular and confusing television series)
Dumbledore: (solemn) Harry, there are some questions that even I can’t answer.
Harry: (Nodding) Thanks, man.

104

Dumbledore: Hey, no problem. (Smiling as he turns back to Harry.) Get outta’ here. (Harry
points off stage right and turns around into the darkness, but doesn’t fully disappear.) Yeah,
third door on your left.
(Harry fully disappears and Dumbledore paces in front of bench, tapping the notepad on his
hand. Rumbleroar calls from stage left.)
Rumbleroar: Are you ready to go, Dumbledore? (The lights have dimmed quite a lot and the
background lights have turned red.)
Dumbledore: Sure am, Rumbleroar! (Rumbleroar, with a lion hat and tail on, enters, wearing a
little wizard hat on top of the lion hat, and crawls to center next to Dumbledore and the bench.)
Rumbleroar: And you’re sure you don’t want Harry Potter to know you’re really still alive?
Dumbledore: Ehh, no. (He walks over and sits on Rumbleroar’s back.) Pigfarts has been a
closely guarded secret for thousands of years. I’d hate to let the cat outta the bag. No pun
intended. (He pats Rumbleroar on the shoulder.)
Rumbleroar: I suppose you’re right. Do you have your space suit, Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Oh! Thank you for reminding me.
(He gets off of Rumbleroar and runs off stage right, drops the notebook offstage and comes back
on with a cardboard cutout of a space suit. He holds it up to himself and sits on Rumbleroar’s
back again.)
Dumbledore: Ready to go, Rumby?
Rumbleroar: I sure am. To Pigfarts! RUMBLEROAR!!!
(Dramatic music starts and the lights go out.)
Act 2, Scene 11: The Great Hall

(A drum is heard drumming the same type of beat it did for Voldemort’s last speech. Voldemort
is heard tapping this wand twice on the ground and the spotlight comes up on Voldemort on
stage left. He clears his throat and puts his wand to it.)
Voldemort: People of Hogwarts. It’s me. Harry Potter is dead. He was killed while running
away trying to save himself while you laid down your lives for him. The battle is won! My Death
Eaters outnumber you. Continue to resist and be slaughtered. Come out of the castle, kneel
before me, and you may be spared!
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(He hits wand on ground again and walks off stage left. Lights come up on whole stage, showing
the cast of remaining students all lying around the stage in the very back of the Great Hall. Ron
is standing near center, Cho is standing upstage left and Draco is sitting downstage right. Ron is
holding a cigarette which he twirls in fingers while speaking.)
Ron: Oh, shit. Ok, um, right. You guys–(points to one group of students)–you guys go barricade
the door with, uh, with that bench. Go on, do it. Do it right now. (Several students stand up and
do it.)
Ron: Um, Cho! Cho, you go see if Neville’s dead. (Pointing to Neville, who is lying downstage
left. Cho checks on Neville and he stirs.)
Ron: Um, you guys, (points to another group of students) um, go get snacks! Oh, shit we
barricaded the door. Um…me. I will- I will quit. (Throws the cigarette away.) Um...well, there’s
only one thing we need to do: we’re gonna fight.
Draco: (Whining.) Ugh, come on. I’m tired. Can’t we just be Death Eaters? (He rolls over onto
his tummy.)
Ron: (Exasperated.) No! No, we cannot just be Death Eaters. (Nudges Draco’s butt with his
foot.) Ok? (Draco tucks his legs under him, planting his face on the floor and his buttocks are up
in the air. Ron looks at him in agitation and slight confusion, then hovers over him.) We are
gonna fight! Ok? And we are gonna fight (He smacks Draco’s butt with wand.) so hard that we
are gonna win. (Ron nods toward pianist.)
SONG: VOLDEMORT IS GOING DOWN
Ron:
He thinks that we’re finished.
He thinks that we’re done.
He thinks that it’s over,
His battle is won. HA!
He thinks that we’re finished, (spoken) No,
But we aren’t through.
Stop and think, my friends,
What would Harry do for you?
(Hermione steps forward.)
Hermione:
Harry never gave up the fight.
Harry stood up for what is right, (Ron and Hermione join hands.)
Well now it’s our turn.
Ron and Hermione:

Our turn.
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Make a joyful sound.

Voldemort is going down.
(Ron and Hermione get everyone to stand up and get in a line. Ginny stands up and runs to stand
next to Ron. Draco takes his time getting up, clearly not enthralled.)
Ron and Hermione:

We must unite
So we can fight.
Turn the battle around!
Time’s running out.
It’s time to shout
Voldemort is going down!
(Hermione turns to Draco and cups his face. He’s stunned.)
Hermione:
Can’t you feel a fire burning?
Now it’s time to be a man.
A great big, muscle-ey, super big, super-hot man!
Ron:
Uh-aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh! (Falsetto)
All:
We won’t be pushed around anymore.
We’ll be a force you cannot ignore.
We’ll be an army for Dumbledore.
For Dumbledore!
(Dumbledore dances around in far Stage Left.)
All:
We must unite
So we can fight.
(Harry runs in from stage left.)
Harry: Guys! I’m alive!
(Everybody screams in surprise except Malfoy and his crew. Harry walks to stand among the
crowd of them.)
107

Ron: Whoa!
Harry: Guys, guys! I know how to defeat Voldemort. Everybody follow me. Ok?
All:
We must unite
So we can fight!
Girls:
Voldemort is going
Guys: (As girls sing “going”)

We must unite
So we can fight
All:
Ron: YEAH!
(Loud knocking on door. Everyone backs up. Cho goes to answer door. Everyone tries to call her
back.)
Ron: Cho! Cho! No, no, no. That’s totally a bad idea.
(Cho runs back to group. Harry makes dismissive gesture at the door. Ron’s standing beside
him.)
Ron: They can’t get in. We barricaded the door. It’s cool. Don’t worry about it. It’s fine. It’s
impossible, impossible!
(Voldemort comes through the curtain surrounding the door, causing everyone to scream, panic
and run around in circles. He whirls around and looks at the barricaded door.)
Voldemort: Avada Kadavra! (He casts the spell on the bench and kicks it away. He then turns to
face group. They’ve all huddled in the back but Harry stands in front of and apart from them
with his arms out as if say “Come at me, bro!”. Voldemort is shocked beyond belief. He gawks at
the sight of Harry and lets out a few drawn out lines.) WHAAAAT!? POTTER?!? (walks to
center) HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO KILL YOU, BOY?! (He points his wand at
Harry.)
108

Harry: (Pointing wand at Voldemort.) Clearly more than once. But it’s all over, Voldemort, ‘cuz
you can’t kill me this time. (Gestures for others to stand back.) Nobody help me. I gotta do this
by myself.
Voldemort: He doesn’t mean that! It’s not how he operates, is it, boy? Who you gonna use as a
human shield this time, Potter?
(Ron starts to walk forward, and Ginny and Hermione call him back.)
Hermione: Ron!
Harry: Ron, don’t. (He pushes Ron back, and Voldemort looks at Ron, somewhat perplexed, but
still pointing his wand at Harry, trying not to lose focus.) Nobody, ‘cuz this time it’s just you and
me. ‘Cuz all the horcruxes are gone. I destroyed them all.
Voldemort: (Somewhat panicked shock.) What? E-even my Zefron poster!?
Harry: Especially the Zefron poster.
Voldemort: AAAAH! Curse you, Potter, you’ll die for that!
Harry: No! I won’t. I won’t. ‘Cuz you can’t kill me. You can’t kill any of these people.
Voldemort: What the (fuck) are you on about?
Harry: You don’t learn from your mistakes do you, Voldemort? I was prepared to die to save
these people.
Voldemort: But you didn’t!
Harry: Yes, but I meant to, and that’s what did it. I’ve done what my mother did for me for
these people. I’ve given them magical sanctuary so you can’t hurt me or these people ever again.
(Ron makes a touchdown gesture.)
Voldemort: (Agitated.)So what?! Who cares about these children? It’s you I want dead, Potter.
What’s to stop you from dying when I strike?
Harry: Just one thing: think about all the people you’ve hurt, or all the lives you’ve destroyed.
All the innocent people you’ve killed. Ok? Maybe try a little slice of remorse pie.
Voldemort: What?
Harry: There’s gotta be one person, one thing, in your life that you miss. That you regret.
(Dreamy music begins to play. Voldemort gets light and somewhat distant for a moment.)
109

Voldemort: Well…maybe there’s one I…NO! (Rounds on the pianist.) THERE ISN’T!
(The music stops as Voldemort points wand at pianist in his rage. Pianist holds hands up in
surrender.) Joke’s on you, Potter, I don’t care about anybody!
Harry: I know. And that’s what makes you such a piece of shit. You see, at Hogwarts we all
stick together. We love one another. We’re friends. My love’s protected these guys and their
love’s all I need to protect me from you.
Voldemort: (He chuckles maniacally.)Let’s put that theory to the test, Potter. Avada Kadavra!
Harry: (Said simultaneously with “Avada Kadavra!”) Expelliarmus!
(The stage lights go dark quickly and spell casting noises are made and Voldemort can be heard
making airy groans as the breath leaves him. A pale greenish blue light comes up on Voldemort
as he is seen writing and collapses dead on the stage in a comical fashion. The lights come back
up to normal as soon as Voldemort dies.)
Cho: Well, chocolate frogs, Harry Potter did it y’all!
(Everyone cheers and jumps around the stage, embracing each other. Ron runs over to
Voldemort and takes his wand, doing a victory dance with it as he hops jubilantly around the
stage. Several students go over and drag the body off stage left. Ron throws his own wand away
and uses his new one to make spanking motions in the corner stage left. Ginny jumps on Harry,
straddling his waist as they make-out sloppily and fall to the ground. Ron runs over to them with
Voldemort’s wand tucked into his blue headband. Hermione is following him.)
Ron: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! Listen, Harry!
Harry: What? (Harry and Ginny stand up and start awkwardly adjusting themselves, thinking
that they’re about to get reamed.)
Ron: I just wanna’ let you guys KNOW that I, um, that I’m totally cool with it. (He gives a
goofy double thumbs up.) Go on, go on. (He walks over to Hermione.) Come on, make-out with
me.
(They both stick their tongues out and make a funny noise, hug, then just go back to watching
Harry and Ginny, who then come over and they all stand arm in arm center stage.)
Hermione: Guys, I mean, I guess, uh, this just about ties up all the loose ends.
Harry: Yeah, everything’s cool!
Hermione: Oh! Except for the House Cup tournament!
(Neville runs in Stage Right.)

110

Neville: Kids, kids! Look at this! I found Dumbledore’s will!
All: Dumbledore’s will!? (All the students on stage gather around Neville to hear the will.)
Neville: It says: In the event of my death, Gryffindor wins the House Cup!
Gryffindors: WOO! (The Slytherin gang looks bummed out.)
Neville: It also says that Hogwarts goes to Harry Potter, that my chocolate factory goes to
Charlie, and Toon Town goes to the Toons!
All: WOO! (Everyone makes celebratory gestures and cheers.)
Harry: Hey, guys! Well I guess all the professors are dead, so, Butterbeers on me!
All: WOO!
(Happy, upbeat music begins. More celebratory gestures and cheers ensue as everybody follows
Harry off stage left. Ron brings up the rear waving his wand in a comical spanking motion
again, hopping as he does so. The lights go out as the scene transitions.)
Act 2, Scene 12: Azkaban Prison

(The lights come up on stage right, and they’re brighter, but tinged blue. Quirrell and the
Dementor are standing together, the Dementor holding some normal clothes which she then
presents to Quirrell.)
Dementor: You’re free to go.
Quirrell: (Accepting the clothing.) Thank you.
Dementor: Ya know, while I was devouring every single one of your happy thoughts, they all
seemed to be about a certain friend of yours.
(Quirrell shifts uncomfortably at the mention of this subject.)
Dementor: Care to talk?
Quirrell: (Looking away from the Dementor.) No. No, that’s behind me now.
Dementor: Sorry. Well, did you hear the news? Voldemort is dead! Yeah. Good luck getting off
this impenetrable island!
(Dementor exits stage right. Quirrell looks as if he’s fighting the urge to cry, even in pain.
Finally he throws his clothes and wand on the floor and throws himself down next to them.)
111

Quirrel: Dead!?
(He makes a few despairing gestures, almost like casting stones across a lake, and falls to his
side in the fetal position facing stage right. Voldemort quietly enters through the door stage left.
He’s wearing a white cloak and keeps his back to the audience as he enters. As he turns forward,
he keeps his head down so the hood conceals his face from view. Voldemort takes a quick look
around then removes the hood. He looks at Quirrell’s back with a sheepish smile.)
Voldemort: (Timidly) Hey, you.
(Quirrell props himself up and turns to look at Voldemort. Voldemort smiles an awkward, yet
somehow innocent smile.)
Quirrell: Voldemort, is it-is it really you?
Voldemort: (He makes a few gestures with his head as if to say, “sort of”.) What’s left of me.
Quirrell: But. I just–just heard that you were–
Voldemort: Destroyed? (He pauses for a moment, solemn.) Yeah. (There’s a silence, and
Quirrell just sits there, looking at him. Watching.) But, Quirrell, there’s–there’s a part of me
that’s still here and I can’t go on to the next plane without it. It’s a part of me that can’t be
destroyed because it’s right. in. (Voldemort takes a few steps towards Quirrell while extending
his arm to point to him. He makes a circular motion with arm and wrist as he quickly closes the
distance between them.) Here. (Voldemort touches his finger to Quirrell’s chest where his heart
is, then walks back to where he was previously standing on the opposite side of the stage.)
Quirrell: (Putting hand where Voldemort touched.) In my heart? (Voldemort nods “yes”,
causing Quirrell to choke up. He recovers himself and manages to stand.) So you came back!?
Voldemort: I came home.
(Quirrell turns away from Voldemort and bites his finger, trying to hold back the flood of
emotion. After a few moments he turns back.)
Quirrell: And you don’t want to kill Harry Potter anymore?
Voldemort: (Clearly wants to say “yes” out of habit, but accepts that it would be a lie.) No.
(Pause) No…because I learned something when I had my body back, Quirrell. I learned that life
is really messy and complicated and it doesn’t turn out the way you think it will. And that–you–
you think that killing people might make them like you but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.
I got k–I got killed by a two year old! (He kneels and holds head in cloaked hand, speaking
pitifully.) And it’s really embarrassing and everyone says “when are you gonna come back,
Voldemort? When you gonna take over the world?!”, and it’s on me! It’s all on me! And I’m
112

sitting there by myself ‘cuz no one wants to help me. I say to myself: maybe with Quirrell
things’ll be ok.
Quirrell: Is “ok” good?
(Voldemort looks at Quirrell in almost disbelief. He stands.)
Voldemort: Quirrel…”ok” is wonderful.
SONG: FINALE- NOT ALONE/GOIN’ BACK TO HOGWARTS REPRISE
(Not Alone reprise chords begin. Quirrell and Voldemort begin to run together in slow motion,
and when they get to each other on center stage, instead of hugging, they turn last minute and
put their backs together. As their backs touch, everyone joins in with the lyrics and walks out on
stage for their bows. They are all standing arm in arm.)
All:
Baby, you’re not alone,
And nothing’s ever gonna bring us down
‘Cause nothin’ can keep me from lovin’ you.
It don’t matter what’ll come to be.
Our love is all we need to make it through…
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts,
It's all that I love, and all that I need
At Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.
To Gryffindor! (Sung by Gryffindors)
Hufflepuff! (Sung by Hufflepuffs)
Ravenclaw! (Sung by Ravenclaws)
Slytherin! (Sung by Slytherins)
Back to the place where our story begins
At Hogwarts, Hogwarts!
Dumbledore:
I’m sorry, what’s its name?
All:
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Dumbledore:
(The fuck?) I didn’t hear you kids!
All:
113

Hogwarts! Hogwarts!
Harry:
Man, I’m glad I went back!
(The cast holds their wands at attention above their heads the same was that they do at the
beginning of the show. The lights go out and the curtain falls.)
THE END
114

Original Production Credits:
Band
Piano - A.J. Holmes

Bass - Carlos Valdez
Drums - Joe Carroll
ORIGINAL CAST LIST (2009)
HARRY – Darren Criss

RON – Joey Richter
HERMIONE – Bonnie Gruesen
VOLDEMORT – Joe Walker
QUIRRELL – Brian Rosenthal
DRACO – Lauren Lopez
DUMBLEDORE – Dylan Saunders
SNAPE – Joe Moses
GINNY – Jamie-Lyn Beatty
GOYLE/RUMBLEROAR – Jim Povolo
NEVILLE – Richard Campbell
CHO CHANG – Devin Lytle
LAVENDER BROWN – Sango Tajima
CRABBE – Julia Albain
CEDRIC – Tyler Brunsman
BELLATRIX – Britney Coleman
MOLLY WEASLEY – Lily Marks

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1

Written by Matt Lang, Nick Lang, and Brian Holden

Prologue (for use with nonprofit or charity-based productions)

Super Fan 1: Ms. Rowling! Ms. Rowling!

J.K. Rowling: Oh God. What is it?

(Four Super Fans run onto the stage in Potter regalia.)

Super Fan 2: We’re big fans of your work!

J.K. Rowling: I can tell.

J.K. Rowling: (resigned) Yes, why not?

J.K. Rowling: Wizard magic. Next?

(Super Fans run off.)

Act 1, Scene 1- Literally Everywhere In The Wizarding World

SONG: GOIN’ BACK TO HOGWARTS

Ron: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!

(Ron struts in.)

Ron: Did somebody say “Ron Weasley”?

(Ron walks in and exchanges greetings with Harry.)

Harry: (Grabs trunk) Where are we going?

Ron: To Diagon alley of course!

Ron: Come on!

Harry and Ron:

(Enter Hermione, who pops in between them.)

(Ron and Harry walk to downstage right.)

And that's cool...

Harry, Ron, Hermione:

Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ensemble:

Harry, Ron, Hermione:

Harry: Ughhhh, who’s this?

Ron: (exasperated) This is stupid-little-dumb-sister-Ginny, she’s a freshman. Ginny this is

Harry: Yeah, you’re Ginny.

Ginny: It’s Ginevera.

Harry: Cool, Ginny’s fine.

Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?

Harry: Music? What are you talking about?

Ron and Harry: Yeah someone’s coming, someone’s coming.

Ginny: Oh, who’s that?

Harry: Oh that? That’s Cho Chang.

Hermione: Yeah but he won’t say anything to her.

Ginny: Kon-ni-chi-wa, Cho-Chang. It is good to meet you. I am Gin-ny Weas-ley.

(Cho-Chang walks up to Ginny from the back of the line)

Harry: She is TOTALLY perfect.

Ron: Yeah too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory though.

Harry: WHAT? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory!?

(Cedric bursts through them knocking them on the floor)

(They run off together.)

Harry: Man, I hate that guy!

Ron: (to Ginny) So are we gonna get those robes or not!?

Ginny: Ok! Alright! I’m going!

Ron: God, Sister!!!

Neville: Ahhhhh! (shrieks of pain)

(Ron, Harry and Hermione enter from Stage Left.)

Ron: Crabbe and Goyle!

(Ginny goes to help Neville.)

Harry: Hey why don’t you leave Neville Longbottom alone?

Crabbe: And girls!

Harry: Woah, cool! (replaces glasses)

(Draco enters Stage Right, commanding the audience’s attention)

Draco: Did someone say “Draco Malfoy”?

Harry: What do you want Draco?

(Everyone looks at Draco incredulously. Ensemble begins to board train.)

When everyone will do whatever I say

Hermione: Guys, come on! We’re gonna miss the train!

(Transition to Hogwarts Great Hall.)