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COMMUNICATION SKILLS

USING NLP

Aim

To provide you with the practical skills and knowledge to


communicate more effectively and to enhance and develop
your interaction with others using NLP techniques

Objectives
On completion of the training you should be able to:~

1. Explain what is meant by ‘rapport’ and the benefits


of developing a good rapport with others

2. State the different methods of communication

3. Distinguish between ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’ body


language

4. List the advantages and disadvantages of


‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’ techniques

5. Explain how to match voice tone to develop rapport

6. Demonstrate how to develop good rapport using


NLP techniques
7. Recognise a person’s predominant communication
channel when they speak

8. Analyse your predominant communication channel

9. Illustrate how you can match a person’s


predominant VAK channel using verbal and non-
verbal communication

10. Recognise a person’s predominant communication


channel by observing their eye movements

11. Specify the main advantages of observing a


person’s eye movements to improve communication

12. Explain how to use eye cues to develop rapport

13. Demonstrate how ‘pacing’ and ‘leading’ will enable


you to get the response you want during interaction
with others

14. Create your unique VAK anchor to enable you to


communicate effectively in a variety of situations
and establish a more receptive response from
others
15. Use constructive feedback to action plan the
transfer of skills and knowledge acquired into the
workplace
Icebreaker

Genie and the Lamp


Activity

You have just found a magic lamp and true to the fairytale you rub it and
a genie appears. This is no ordinary genie and although he grants
you three wishes you are only allowed wishes which affect
change in you, your boss, your job or the people around you.

Please write your three wishes below:~

1.

2.

3.

You will be asked to read out your wish list and the reasons why you
have selected the changes written.
Activity 1

Benefits of Good Rapport


Activity

Please consider the following questions and write your answer in the space
below:~

1. What do you think is meant by rapport?

2. What are the benefits or advantages of having a good rapport with


others?


Activity 1/answer

Benefits of Good Rapport


You may have answered:~

1. What do you think is meant by rapport?

The ability to connect with other people at all levels.


Developing sensitivity to what people are telling us, not only regarding
what they say but how they say it.
True rapport is a two-way street and it is often the ability to put yourself
into other’s shoes and appreciate situations from others’ perspectives.
Rapport is influence.
Those who are successful in being able to influence people and
situations expect to have rapport with anyone with whom they come into
contact.
They have learned intuitively or consciously to match the style of the
people with whom they are dealing. But not only are they able to
influence – they are open to influence.

2. What are the benefits or advantages of having a good rapport with others?

 improved communication

 enhances relationships

 being on the same wavelength

 common interests

 a way to understand and be understood

 ability to enter into each other’s worlds

 mutual interests

 same sense of humour

 gain co-operation of others


Activity 2

Rapport
Activity

Please consider what happens when you have rapport with others and
answer the following:~

When you have rapport with someone, what does it feel like? What
happens?
e.g. good eye contact

What happens when there is no rapport with someone, what does it feel like?
What happens? e.g. arguing


Activity 2/answer

Rapport
You may have answered:~

When you have rapport with someone, what does it feel like? What
happens?
e.g. good eye contact

 Body language matched or mirrored

 Touching

 Standing quite close to each other

 Laughing together

 Verbal agreement

 Easy two-way conversation

 Feeling comfortable, open and relaxed


What happens when there is no rapport with someone, what does it feel like?
What happens? e.g. arguing

 Defensive body language: for example, hands on hips, arms


crossed

 No eye contact

 Not talking very much or at all

 Raised voices

 Feeling uncomfortable, closed

 Standing away from each other

Activity 3

Getting the Message Across


Activity

Match each communication element to its percentage. Write your


results in the boxes:~

BODY LANGUAGE IS
%
IN THE COMMUNICATION

TONE OF VOICE IS
%
IN THE COMMUNICATION
WORDS ARE
%
IN THE COMMUNICATION
PROCESS

Activity 3/answer

Getting the Message Across


The following figures may surprise you ~ but think of a young child who
has not yet learned to talk and yet they know if an adult is angry, upset,
happy or frightened. How? By observing body language and listening
to the adult’s tone of voice they have 93% of the message without
having to understand any words!

WORD
S

TONE OF VOICE
38% BODY
LANGUAGE
55%
Tone is made up of voice pitch, speed of speaking, pauses, loudness of voice, hard/soft tone,
firm/uncertain voice, emphasis and is used to measure the feeling of the individual about the
content of the communication and the view of the other person.

Words ~ Bandler & Grindler (1976) reported “the verbal component is the least interesting and
least influential part of communication”.

Body language is made up from: bearing and posture, eye contact, expression on face,
hand/arm gestures, breathing, observance of personal space needs and shows attitudes and
values of the person e.g. self respect and level of respect for others, emotional
Activitystate,
4 honesty
and integrity and belief in the message.

Communication ~ Body Language


Activity

Discuss the following and write your responses in the boxes provided ~

‘Try to remember a time when you were in a meeting or interview that


was going really well…’

How did you feel?

What did you notice about your own body language and that of the other
person?
Activity 4/answer

Communication ~ Body Language


You may have answered:~

‘Try to remember a time when you were in a meeting or interview that


was going really well…’

How did you feel?

You may have felt comfortable, relaxed, open

What did you notice about your own body language and that of the other
person?

You may have noticed that your body language was open ~ that you had
good eye contact and your posture relaxed etc

You may have noticed that the body language of the other person
matched yours. MATCHED OR MIRRORED body language is a sign of
rapport being present. It is far easier to achieve mutually beneficial
outcomes when you have rapport with someone.
Activity 5

Matching and Mirroring


Body Language
It is important to highlight the subtle difference between ‘matching’ and
‘mirroring’ to help you develop the awareness of both techniques.

Activity

Please consider what the difference between ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’


someone’s behaviour might be and write your response below:~

The difference between ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’ is…..

It is also important that when you are reading the other person’s verbal and
non-verbal communication it is done in a subtle, elegant and ethical way.
There are ways that you can ensure it is not viewed as mimicry or imitation by
matching the person’s behaviour in different ways.

Activity

Consider some of the different ways in which you can match the other
person’s behaviour using subtle techniques:~
Activity 5/answer

Matching and Mirroring


Body Language

Please consider what the difference between ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’


someone’s behaviour might be and write your response below:~

You may have said:~

The difference between ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’ is TIMING. Mirroring


is the physical and instantaneous matching of the other persons body
language. Matching often should have a time delay factor.

Consider some of the different ways in which you can match the other
person’s behaviour using subtle techniques:~

1 Cross-matching – you could match another person’s behaviour


with a corresponding but different behaviour of your own. For
example, every time they fold their arms you could cross your
legs, or you could touch your hair every time they are pulling their
ear lobe. If they blink rapidly, you could discretely tap your finger
at the same rate as they are blinking. You could also use hand
gestures to pace someone’s breathing or tilt your shoulder as
they tilt their head.

2 Cross-over matching – you could match the other person’s


behaviour with a matched behaviour of your own at a different
time. For example, if they cross their legs when they speak, you
could cross your legs when you speak. When they lift their
eyebrow, you could lift yours a few seconds later.

Ending the communication…

Mis-matching – when you want the conversation or the communication


to stop. Break eye contact, turn your body away from the other person,
breathe faster or slow in contrast to theirs. This will break rapport and
the communication will stop. Hopefully you can end the process in a
state of rapport!

Activity 6

Advantages & Disadvantages of


Matching and Mirroring
We like people who are like us. Any observable behaviour can be mirrored or
matched and reflect back to the other person the signals they are giving you.
You will create a comfortable environment for them and the more you connect
with the other person on a deeper level the better your rapport, which will
result in more effective two way communication. When you pay attention to a
persons behaviour, both verbal and non-verbal and match or mirror that
behaviour you develop rapport. However, there are advantages and
disadvantages to matching and mirroring.

Activity

Consider what you think the advantages and disadvantages might be as


follows:~

Advantages Disadvantages
Activity 6/answer

Advantages & Disadvantages of


Matching and Mirroring
Consider what you think the advantages and disadvantages might be as
follows:~

You may have said:~

Advantages Disadvantages

Done with integrity creates positive Can become compulsive – try not
feelings and responses in you and become obsessive and mimic
others people

Can build a deep sense of trust Should be done in a subtle and


elegant way or it affects credibility
and you can lose their respect

Creates an atmosphere of mutual If not done ethically can create


confidence and respect negative consequences

Leads to you sharing the other Imitation often gets noticed and
persons experience and the way can be objectionable
they see the world

The other person feels Can be seen as insensitive


acknowledged and appreciates
your interest in them

Builds a sense of connection If it intrudes into the persons


conscious awareness it can
damage rapport

Builds rapport – when we gain The other person may become


rapport with someone it will visibly uncomfortable and respond
enhance our communication skills unfavourably resulting in conflict

Activity 7

Communication ~ Tone of Voice


Matching your tone of voice with the other person’s often develops rapport.
This is your subconscious wanting you to be liked and believing that, if you
sound similar to the other person, they will like you.

Activity

Consider how you can match the sound of the other person’s voice without
mimicking their accent etc? For example: Tone – soft, friendly and gentle.

Write your answers below:~


Activity 7/answer

Communication ~ Tone of Voice

Matching your tone of voice with the other person’s often develops rapport.
This is your subconscious wanting you to be liked and believing that, if you
sound similar to the other person, they will like you.

Discuss in your group how you can match the sound of the other person’s
voice without mimicking their accent etc? For example: Tone – soft, friendly
and gentle.

You may have said:~

 Volume ~ high/low/whisper

 Pace ~ slow/quick/moderate

 Pitch ~ powerful/gentle

 Tone ~ soft, friendly, gentle or hard, abrasive, brusque


 Intonation (sing-song, sentences may go up in pitch at the end)

Activity 8/page 1

Communication ~ Matched or Mirrored


Body Language
Activity

Look around the room at your colleagues and check how they are sitting.

MATCHED body language means they are doing the same thing. Perhaps
they both have left leg crossed over right, hands clasped with fingers
interlaced.

MIRRORED body language means a mirror image of each other. One may
have left leg over right, leaning to their right, whilst the person next to them
has right leg over left and is leaning to their left.

MATCHING OR MIRRORING of body language happens because at a


subconscious level, we all want to be liked. Your subconscious mind believes
that if you resemble someone, they will like you, so it adjusts your body
language to make you physically copy the other person.

MIRRORING OR MATCHING body language are both viable ways of building


rapport and can be used on a conscious level to hasten the process along.
The key is SUBTLETY and your movements to match or mirror them should
be slight, so that they are recognised only by the other person’s
subconscious, not by their conscious mind.

Elements to MATCH AND MIRROR

BODY LANGUAGE (55% of communication): Posture, eye contact,


gestures, expression on face, breathing
TONE OF VOICE (38% of communication): Voice pitch, speed of speaking,
volume, phrasing, hard/soft tone, pace

WORDS (7% of communication): Key words (favourite words that we use


frequently such as ‘actually’, ‘OK’, ‘you know’, ‘basically’). Subtlety is
essential ~ or it may cause offence if you use their key words too often

Activity 8/page 2/Role Play

Royal Invitation
Activity

Invitation
You have been invited to attend the opening of a newly built factory
which is part of a multi-national organisation. The Prince of Wales is
formally opening the company and will want to shake hands with you
and others and have a brief conversation with people. This can be a bit
overwhelming and he is keen to put you at your ease as quickly as
possible.

What you should do

Form ‘receiving lines’ (like a wedding party). You will all take it in turn to be
the ‘Prince of Wales’, passing along your own receiving line, shaking hands
with everyone in the line and chatting to them for no more than 30 seconds
each.

As you do this you will be PACING ~ that is, noticing the BODY LANGUAGE
and listening to the VOICE TONE of each person in turn and
MATCHING/MIRRORING both of these elements.
When you are waiting in the receiving line, you may want to vary your body
language and voice tone, pitch etc from those of your colleagues. You can
make up your own identity and whatever achievement you want (be creative).
The ‘Prince’ will take all this in his stride!

Activity 9/Page 1

Communication ~ VAK Channels


We experience the world through our senses ~ Visual, Auditory and
Kinaesthetic (VAK). To help you develop effective communication skills you
need to be able to determine which of the VAK systems the person is
operating in by observing them and listening attentively to what they are
saying.

People thinking and speaking in a…

Visual way Tend to look up, gesture skywards and


breathe high in the chest and might say ‘I
see what you mean, that looks good to me’

Auditory way (Hearing) Look to their ears, adopt a telephone


posture, with hand on ear and mouth and
breathe mid-chest and might say
‘Sounds good to me, tell me more’

Kinaesthetic Way (Feeling) Look down, gesture down to the floor,


breathe low in the chest and might say ‘I’m
going to go with my gut feeling, I’d like to
get to grips with this idea’

Other phrases include:


Visual Auditory (Hearing) Kinaesthetic (Feeling)
Channel Channel Channel
See what you mean Music to my ears Gut feeling
Get the picture Blast from the past Feel-good factor
Look into it Tell me about it Get a grip

When you hear someone speaking in one of these channels, you can ‘tune
into their wavelength’ by using words of the same channel to develop
rapport quickly.

Activity 9/page 2

Communication ~ VAK Channels

Activity

Using the VAK phrases/metaphors shown in Activity 9/page 1 as examples,


make up some more phrases or metaphors which will suit each one of the
VAK channels as follows:~

Visual Auditory (Hearing) Kinaesthetic (Feeling)


Channel Channel Channel
Activity 9/answer

VAK Channels ~ Language


Using the VAK phrases below as examples, make up some more phrases
which will suit each one of the VAK channels as follows:~

You may have said:~

Visual Auditory (Hearing) Kinaesthetic (Feeling)


Channel Channel Channel
This is my vision I’m lost for words I have a feeling in my
bones
The outlook is dim This strikes a chord She rubs me up the
wrong way
Let’s shed some light That sounds good to Things are flowing
on the issue me right now
See things my way I hear what you’re Give me something
saying concrete to work on
Looks good to me I’ve been hearing good I feel good about the
things about you whole thing

This will help you to recognise the different phrases or metaphors that
people use in conversation which help to give us clues as to which
communication channel they prefer when they speak. You can then use
these same or similar types of words when you communicate with them
to ensure you are ‘speaking their language’.
Activity 10/page 1

Communication ~ VAK Channels


Questionnaire
Activity

Read each of the following questions in turn and circle the letter a, b or c of
the answer that applies to you:~

1. What would make you suspect that someone was lying to you?

(a) The way they look, or avoid looking at you


(b) Their tone of voice
(c) A feeling you get about their sincerity

2. How do you know that you have had a good day at work?

(a) A productive meeting or good news over the telephone


(b) A clear desk or a ‘things to do’ list with everything ticked off
(c) An inner glow, a smile and a feeling of deep satisfaction

3. What kind of activity do you prefer on holiday?

(a) Lazing on a sun-drenched beach, swimming to cool off


(b) Attending a concert or a lecture on local culture and history
(c) Seeing the sights and local colour, visiting a museum or art
gallery

4. Which of the following groups of hobbies/interests appeals most to you?

(a) Cinema, photography, art, interior design


(b) Sport, sculpture, cookery or gardening
(c) Playing a musical instrument, listening to music or a taped
book, singing

5. Which television programme would you prefer to watch?

(a) A wildlife programme


(b) A programme about painting or art
(c) A pop/classical concert

Activity 10/page 2

Communication ~ VAK Channels


Questionnaire
6. Which would you prefer for a celebratory treat?

(a) A personal dedication on the radio


(b) A week-end break to somewhere you have never visited before
(c) Your favourite meal with good wine and good company

7. Which would be the best way for you to unwind at the end of a trying day?

(a) Gaze at something relaxing such as a candle flame


(b) An aromatherapy massage
(c) Talk to a friend

8. If you want to thank or reward someone for doing you a favour, which of
these would you do?

(a) Telephone them


(b) Give them a bottle of their favourite tipple/bottle of perfume
(c) Write them a thank you note

9. Which of the following groups of careers most appeal?

(a) An artist or designer in television


(b) Lecturer, telesales or customer liaison
(c) Gardener, nurse or counsellor

10. Which accessories do you like to have in your home?


(a) Chiming clock, wind chimes
(b) Lots of pictures, accented lighting
(c) Pot pouri, soft cushions

Activity 10/page 3

Communication ~ VAK Channels


Questionnaire

11. Which magazine would you be most likely to pick up and read?

(a) DIY, sports or creative crafts


(b) Music or current affairs
(c) National Geographic or Vogue

12. How would you discipline a naughty child?

(a) A piercing look or frown


(b) Punishment by deprivation: for example, no pocket money
(c) Shout or use a stern tone of voice

Add up your scores by letter and record below:~

(a) ……….. (Visual)

(b) ……….. (Auditory ~ Hearing)

(c) ……….. (Kinaesthetic ~ Feeling)


Activity 10/page 4

Communication ~ VAK Channels


Questionnaire
If you scored highest on Visual then you may identify with part or all of
the following description:~

Visual people often sit forward in their chair or on the edge of their chair.
They tend to be more organised, orderly and deliberate. They are conscious
of their appearance and will be neat and well-groomed. They are good
spellers and memorise things by picturing them. They are sometimes quieter
and are less distracted by noise. They may have trouble remembering verbal
instructions unless they have pictured them and are bored by long verbal
explanations because their minds tend to wander. They would rather read to
themselves than be read to. A visual person will notice how someone looks
at them and likes to learn by seeing pictures, graphics and diagrams. Their
hobbies and interests may have a strong visual element in them, such as art
or photography

If you scored highest on Auditory (Hearing) then you may identify with
part or all of the following description:~

Auditory (Hearing) people typically may talk to themselves and are easily
distracted by noise. They may move their lips when they are mentally saying
words and can repeat things back to you easily. They find spoken language
easier than mathematics and writing. Music is important to them and they
learn by listening. They may play personal development tapes in the car or
listen to ‘speaking books’ for leisure. They commit things to memory by using
steps, procedures and sequence. They are interested in being told how they
are doing and will particularly notice different tones of voice. They may spend
a lot of time on the telephone or have hobbies that involve sound, such as
listening to music, singing or playing an instrument.

If you scored highest on Kinaesthetic (Feeling) then you may identify


with part or all of the following description:~

Kinaesthetic or Feeling people often have a more relaxed posture – either


slumped or laid back. They may move or talk in a very relaxed, slowed-down
fashion. They use their intuition or instincts to ‘get a feel’ for what they are
doing. They are more likely to talk with their hands and may touch people
they are talking to. They may fidget and are inclined to fiddle with things such
as their jewellery, pens and so on. They learn by doing – the hands-on
approach. Their hobbies or interests are likely to be physical in some way,
such as sport or gardening. Alternatively, because they are intuitive and
empathetic, they may be drawn towards counselling.

Activity 11

Matching VAK Channels


During Communication
Activity

It’s important when communicating with the other person how they
experience the world around them. This will help you to improve the
way you express your ideas and views, and they can see, hear or get in
touch with your message. Recognising their predominant
communication channel is a starting point but to take rapport to a higher
level you also need to think how the person’s VAK channel affects your
communication with them.

What can you do, given that you know which VAK channel they prefer, to
ensure your verbal and non-verbal communication matches theirs during a
conversation with them. Think in terms of where you would stand in relation
to them, whether you would make gestures or otherwise, how would you use
your voice:~

Visual people –

Auditory people –

Kinaesthetic people –
Activity 11/answer

Matching VAK Channels


During Communication
You may have said:~

Visual people – like space, so sit or stand far enough away from them so
they can see all of you. They also speak faster than other channels, their
breathing is usually shallow and they make many hand gestures during
conversation. So it may be an idea for you to increase your rate of speech,
match your breathing to theirs and subtly make hand gestures when you
speak. They prefer to ‘visualise’ or see how to ‘do’ something so you will
need to demonstrate rather than explain verbally what they need to do

Auditory people – they tend to converse with themselves a great deal –


internal dialogue, so give them enough ‘space’ to allow them to think through
how they want to respond to you. Their speech is slower, so you should try to
slow down yours to match. They tend to touch their mouth and chin a lot and
lip movements are common as if they are speaking out aloud to themselves!
Body language is less important than facts and figures.

Kinaesthetic people – during a conversation you should stand close enough


to enable them to reach out and touch you – on the shoulder or the arm.
They tend to hold on to your handshake and are very aware of their body.
They speak a lot more slowly than the other two styles. Their lack of speed
during communication conceals their intellectual ability and it is a common
assumption that they lack intelligence because of their slow speed when
speaking.

A conversation between a person whose predominant channel is Visual


and a person whose predominant channel is Kinaesthetic can result in
conflict. This can be because the Visual person can speak too quickly
for the Kinaesthetic thinker who believes the other person is slow, dull
and boring. So you need to be adaptable.

Not everyone can be placed into neat boxes in which they are one
communication channel or another. It’s just something that happens.
Some people have a more dominant style whilst others adopt a specific
style in most situations but not all. Other people will switch from one
style to another in given situations. So it’s important that you try to
substantiate which style they are currently using when you
communicate with them by pacing (reading) them and using
questioning techniques.

Activity 12/page 1

What the Eyes Tell Us


We experience the world through our senses – Visual, Auditory and
Kinaesthetic. The eyes provide us with clues as to whether people are
thinking in images, sounds, feelings or have an inner dialogue (self-talk). To
develop rapport and become an effective communicator you need to be able
to determine which of the VAK systems the person’s unconscious eye
movements depict.

VC VR

AC

K
 AR

AD

Eyes upward to the right – usually means that a person is imagining


(constructing) images of future possibilities (Visual Construct)

Eyes horizontal to the right – usually means the person is imagining


(constructing) a sound (Auditory Construct)

Eyes downward to the right – usually means the person is accessing


feeling or emotions (Kinaesthetic – Emotions/Feelings, taste, smell)

Eyes upward to the left – usually means that a person is remembering


visuals, images, pictures from the past (Visual Remembered)

Eyes horizontal to the left – usually means the person is remembering


sounds from the past (Auditory Remembered)

Eyes downward to the left – usually means a person is accessing the


‘mind’ chatter and specific words of our inner dialogue (Auditory Digital)
We move our eyes to access these places when we process the information
from our senses. These are the eye movements if you are right handed. For
left handed people the chart is reversed i.e. a mirror image. The subtle ways
the eyes move vary from person to person as some people have slower or
faster eye movements. Some people have a ‘mixture’ of patterns and as
everyone has their unique view of the world it is useful to remember this when
accessing eye cues as a means of ‘reading’ someone’s thinking pattern.

Activity 12/page 2

What the Eyes Tell Us


People have habitual eye movements which are linked to their preferred VAK
channel (‘lead system’). However, just because someone is looking up to the
left does not necessarily mean they are making a picture. It just means they
are looking in this direction whilst processing something internally. You have
to establish what and how they are thinking using further observation and
questioning skills which takes practice.

Activity

Please refer to Activity 12/page 1 and working with a partner take it in turns to
ask each other the questions below. When you ask the questions observe the
eye movement in your partner and note which way their eyes move for each
question. Please note your response in the appropriate space as follows:~

Which way did Which way did


Question their eyes move in their eyes move in
response to the response to the
question question
What is the colour of the shoes you
wore yesterday?
What would a whistle sound like
underwater?
What does your favourite music
sound like?
What will you look like in 5 years
time?
When you talk to yourself, what kind
of voice to you speak with?
How does it feel to lie on the beach
with the waves gently lapping over
you?

You can use the abbreviated forms in your response as shown below:~

Visual Constructed = VC
Auditory Constructed = AC
Kinaesthetic = K
Visual Remembered = VR
Auditory Remembered = AR
Auditory Digital = AD

Activity 12/answer

What the Eyes Tell Us


You may have said:~

Which way did their eyes move in


Question response to the question

What is the colour of the shoes you


wore yesterday? VR

What would a whistle sound like


underwater? AC

What does your favourite music


sound like? AR

What will you look like in 5 years


time? VC

When you talk to yourself, what kind AD


of voice to you speak with?

How does it feel to lie on the beach


with the waves gently lapping over K
you?

Each of the questions causes you to access a memory or mentally


construct an experience.

Be aware that everyone is different and may stray from the norm. So it’s
important to avoid putting people into ‘boxes’. For example right handed
people and left handed people will have differences i.e. mirror image and a
few people are ambidextrous! Also people often have a mixture of patterns.
For example a person whose lead system is Auditory Digital would answer the
first question above in the following way – eyes would go down to the left (AD)
before going up to the left (VR). This is because they would need to repeat
the question to themselves first (AD) and then search for the answer (VR).

This is a starting point when learning how to recognise people’s


preferred channel of communication using eye cues.

Activity 13

Advantages of Using Eye Cues to


improve Communication
The eyes are the ‘mirror of the soul’ and can reveal so much about us. They
form the first impression you make. When we communicate with others we
can recognise how a person is thinking by observing their eye movements.
So how can this be of benefit to us when we are attempting to relate to
others?

Activity

Consider the main advantages of observing a person’s eye movements


when communicating with them?


Activity 13/answer

Advantages of Using Eye Cues to


improve Communication
The eyes are the ‘mirror of the soul’ and can reveal so much about us. They
form the first impression you make. When we communicate with others we
can recognise how a person is thinking by observing their eye movements.
So how can this be of benefit to us when we are attempting to relate to
others?

Activity

Consider the main advantages of observing a person’s eye movements


when communicating with them?

You may have said:~

 When you know whether a person is thinking about images, sounds


or ‘talking’ to themselves you can match your communication style
to theirs, making it easier for you to convey your message and get
the response you would like

 Recognising their preferred channel of communication helps you to


ensure your communication with them is in ‘their own language’

 Promotes greater rapport, thus making communication more


effective

 Enables you to establish when its best to speak and when you
should allow them time to ‘think’ i.e. when they are talking to
themselves silently
 Helps you to plan what you are going to say so that the other person
will find your ideas/views/suggestions or comments appealing and
easy to understand

 Recognise how to improve your thinking style so that you are not
limiting the way you approach situations when you need to convey
your message effectively

 Helps you to assess how you behave with that person – for example,
how close to position yourself to them, whether to speak quickly or
slowly

 Enables you to identify why their ‘thinking’ may be causing them


difficulties in a given situation

Activity 14

Using Eye Cues to Develop


Rapport
When you are totally at ease with the person you are communicating with and
they with you, then you are both operating in your preferred system and
rapport occurs naturally. People who are difficult to communicate with and
with whom you have conflicts are just seeing the same situation from their
preferred system which is different to yours. Seeing the world through the
eyes of the other person is the stage you want to reach to develop good
rapport and be able to communicate with them in the way you want. Rapport
is a process and not a fixed state and fluctuates and flows like a conversation
and is about increasing responsiveness during communication.

Activity

Consider the different ways below that people use eye contact and what you
can do to ensure rapport is created and sustained. What would you do when
the other person gives you:~

A Fixed Stare –

A Darting Glance –
Minimal Eye Contact –

How would you test out whether you are pacing (reading) the other
person’s eye movement correctly to establish rapport?

Activity 14/answer

Using Eye Cues to Develop


Rapport

Consider the different ways below that people use eye contact and what you
can do to ensure rapport is created and sustained. What would you do when
the other person gives you:~

You may have said:~

A Fixed Stare – look a bit longer than you would usually, but avoid being
competitive. When listening ensure sustained eye contact with this person
and use head nodding or other signs to indicate you are listening to break any
possible tension. Useful to note also is their eyes will not move if they do not
have to search for a recent memory or observation, so be aware of
assumptions.

A Darting Glance – avert your eyes more than usual if you are speaking.
Avoid staring as this could be construed as aggressive and could damage
rapport.

Minimal Eye Contact – you should make less eye contact than normal with
this person. You could use peripheral vision to watch them.

How would you test out whether you are pacing (reading) the other
person’s eye movement correctly to establish rapport?

You may have said:~


Match their eye movements very subtly and then make a small non-matching
change in your own eye movements. If the other person follows suit – within
a minute or so with a similar shift in their eye movements you will know that
you have rapport.

So it’s important to substantiate which style they are using at the time you are
communicating with them. You can do this by observing, asking questions
and modifying your style of communication to verify theirs.

Activity 15/page 1

Getting the Right Response


To ensure good communication and get the response you want, there are
steps in the rapport building process which need to be pursued. These steps
should not be forced or the person manipulated in any way as don’t forget you
are trying to match your preferred system to theirs, so you will be
manipulating yourself in the process! With enough practise it will become
natural and not forced and you will become unknowingly or unconsciously
competent.

When you pace (read) another person’s behaviour and adjust yours to
develop rapport you should decide where you want the communication
to ‘lead’ to (work towards specific goals) and how you will take the other
person with you.

For example you can get people to change their state of mind, access
different information (eye cues), find out something new, or see things
differently. You can do this by asking questions, explaining something or
changing the way you talk about something and see if they go along with it.

So you would:~

 Identify the behaviour in the other person (‘pacing’)

 Mirror that behaviour (‘pacing’)

 Subtly change that behaviour (‘leading’)


 Observe what happens

 If the person does not follow your ‘lead’ then resume


the ‘pacing’ or read the persons behaviour and try again (if it does
not work try something different!)

Activity 15/page 2

Getting the Right Response


Activity
Working with a partner refer to Activity 15/page 1(‘pacing’ and ‘leading’) and
follow the guidelines below:~

 Write down your questions and the response you would like (state
your goal clearly and the steps you will take to get there)

 Start a conversation

 Ask the other person for an opinion they hold

 Feed it back to them how you understand it until they appear


satisfied that you have understood

 Then suggest a different viewpoint to them

 Observe if they follow your lead

At all times you should be observing the other person’s body language. Try
not to react to the other person’s viewpoint, just respond – this shows you are
listening and when people feel listened to there is rapport. You should ask
yourself where the conversation is leading to and what you want out of it.
Plan this ahead. You can get back to reading (‘pacing’) the other person at
any time, but you should revert to ‘leading’ and be clear about the outcome in
order to get the response/outcome you want.
The response I would like/the outcome I want at the end of this
conversation…

Questions I will ask…

Activity 16/page 1

Why Create Anchors?


The purpose for creating anchors is to provide a precise way of accessing our
emotional state when we need them. They can be sounds, images, cue
words or touch/pressure to the body.

You might have wished that you had been able to communicate more
effectively in the past. So you can create an anchor using guided imagery
(visualisation) by recalling that past experience and making that (past
experience) more positive.

Alternatively you may want to create a future experience when you want to
appear more relaxed and confident in getting your message across. Creating
positive anchors in this way will help to establish more favourable and
receptive state for communicating your ideas and views more effectively.

Activity

This activity will help you create your unique anchor to improve your
communication with others and help you to get your message across more
effectively.

State a desired belief in a positive form ~ for example ‘I want to be more


confident when speaking in meetings’

My desired belief is….


Activity 16/page 2

Why Create Anchors?


Ask yourself what would a person with this belief naturally do in a
situation which required them to communicate effectively. Imagine the
many different actions they would take. List them below:~

Examples might be:~


Asking firm, clear and probing questions during the interaction
Giving clear suggestions and ideas to influence a positive outcome
Suggesting ideas and getting the required response

Choose one of these actions and ‘see’ yourself doing that action in the
way you desire.
Close your eyes and visualise that scenario of the future you and the
feelings you experience in vivid detail.

Watch the scene as though it were on television completing the actions


of your desired belief. Revise the scene if necessary to make sure that it
is positive. Then enhance the scene by:~

 Making the colours brighter – choose your favourite colours, but


make them really stand out. Change the different hues to vary your
emotional response.
 Adjust the scene to bring the image closer
 Make the image sharper
 Make the sounds louder and clearer
 Zoom in and out of the image

Now choose a word that increases the feelings you are experiencing
such as ‘fantastic’, ‘wonderful’ etc.
Activity 16/page 3

Why Create Anchors?


Continued/…

When the scene and your feelings reach a peak of intensity, create a
physical association by making a unique gesture such as pressing your
index finger and thumb together or anything you want and believe is
appropriate to future circumstances or situations.

Then release your ‘anchor’ (finger and thumb) and move around to
disassociate yourself with the experience. Go through again with each
action and each time repeat with a different unique ‘anchor’
Activity 17

Create Your Unique Anchor


There are many different ways of creating a unique anchor. They may
reactivate or trigger a distinct visual, auditory or kinaesthetic channel.
Some may be triggered covertly as it may not be appropriate for you to
reactivate your positive state in certain situations.

Please consider how many different anchors you can create to help you
trigger the response you want in different scenarios such as interacting
with others on a one to one basis, making a presentation, in meetings or
gatherings. In fact, any situation which requires you to communicate
effectively. They may be visual, auditory or kinaesthetic, each one
having a different manifestation.

Please write your response below:~

Visual –

Auditory –
Kinaesthetic –

Activity 17/answer

Create Your Unique Anchor


Please consider how many different anchors you can create to help you
trigger the response you want in different scenarios such as interacting
with others on a one to one basis, making a presentation, in meetings or
gatherings. In fact, any situation which requires you to communicate
effectively. They may be visual, auditory or kinaesthetic, each one
having a different manifestation.

You may have said:~

Visual – making a gesture with your hands or face, reading information,


focusing on a specific image

Auditory – speaking certain words out aloud, using your voice in a


certain way, adopting a different tone or pitch. This could be used when
making a presentation or speaking to your team for example. You can
build in key words which will trigger the positive response in yourself,
resulting in greater influencing skills and better communication.
Kinaesthetic – any kind of touch – gently pressing an accessible and
appropriate part of your body – pressing your hands together, placing
your finger/thumb together, squeezing the palm of your hand etc.

However, apply the anchor appropriately in situations without appearing


as if you are making wild gestures or behaving in an odd fashion in front
of others!

Activity 18/page 1

Getting the Response You Want


Anchoring is a powerful tool and its important not to misuse it as your self-
respect is at risk. However you may want to use it to get others into a
motivated state for example, or to elicit the kind of response you want from
your interaction with others.

The other person’s state of mind including feelings and what they are
consciously and unconsciously dealing with will be significant in regard to how
they receive your ideas and suggestions. So by getting the kind of response
you want when you present your idea will increase the chances of your
message being favourably acted on and the response being positive.

The steps required to establish a more favourable and receptive


response from others and thus communicate your ideas more
effectively are:~

Step 1
Ask the other person to recall a pleasant memory or experience by
asking them a question such as ‘Can you recall the time you felt………’
or ‘What inspires you about….’ Or ‘What do you like about…..’ By
asking them to recall a specific experience some of the feelings
associated with that memory will be reactivated and can be anchored.

Step 2
When the other person has told you about that specific experience or
memory, and when their response to your question reaches its peak
anchor it with either (depending on the situation and your assessment
of how appropriate the anchor might be):~

 A verbal anchor such as ‘That’s a fantastic story’


 Touching their hand, arm or shoulder lightly
 Your facial expression or clasping your
hands

Step 3
When you want to reactivate the positive response trigger the anchor at
the appropriate moment by performing the same action as in Step 2. If
the anchor is verbal just repeat the word or words e.g. ‘Let me tell you a
fantastic story’. In this case the word ‘fantastic’ will be enough to
trigger the same positive response.

This form of anchoring helps people to feel good about themselves and
it will also help you to create a climate which is more receptive to your
ideas and help get your message across more effectively.

Activity 18/page 2

Getting the Response You Want


Being able to recognise and being aware of naturally occurring anchors in
people will help to improve your interaction with them. By asking the other
person to recall a specific positive and pleasant experience some of the
feelings associated with that memory will be reactivated and can be anchored.

Activity

Working with a partner and using the three steps outlined in Activity
18/page 1 practise your scenario using an appropriate action to anchor
your partner into a positive state where your ideas or suggestions will
be welcomed.

Each of you will have your own scenario that you will need to practise in
turn.

How to start:~

Your scenario:~
Activity 18/page 3

Getting the Response You Want


When each of you have had an opportunity to practise your skills at anchoring
write up your experience of it below:~

How did it feel? Was it as effective as you thought it might be and if so


why?

Your experience:~
Activity 19/Quiz/page 1

Communication Skills Using NLP

Name three benefits of having good rapport with people:~

List the three different ways we get our message across:~

3
Name four ways you can match someone’s tone of voice:~

Specify three advantages of ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’:~

Activity 19/Quiz/page 2

Communication Skills Using NLP

Name the three main VAK channels:~

Identify three advantages of observing eye movements:~

3
List three different types of anchor’s:~

Activity 19/page 1/answer

Communication Skills Using NLP


You may have said:~

Name three benefits of having good rapport with people:~

1 Better communication

2 Mutual interest

3 Gain co-operation

Please list the three different ways we get our message across:~

1 Tone of Voice

2 Body Language

3 Words
Name four ways you can match someone’s tone of voice:~

1 Volume – high/low/whisper

2 Pace – slow/quick/moderate

3 Pitch – powerful/gentle

4 Tone – soft/friendly/gentle/hard/abrasive/brusque

Specify three advantages of ‘matching’ and ‘mirroring’:~

1 Can build a deep sense of trust

2 Builds a sense of connection

3 Builds rapport – which will enhance communication skills

Activity 19/page 2/answer

Communication Skills Using NLP

Name the three main VAK channels:~

1 Visual

2 Auditory

3 Kinaesthetic

Identify three advantages of observing eye movements:~

1 Promotes greater rapport – making communication more effective

2 Recognise the other person’s predominant channel of communication

3 Helps you to plan what you are going to say to get the response you
want
List three different types of anchor’s:~

1 Gesture with hands or face

2 Speaking certain words out aloud

3 Squeezing the palm of your hand

Action Plan

Action Plan
Communication Skills Using NLP
List four areas in which you believe your development needs are
greatest

State objectives in terms of change in attitude, knowledge and skills you


intend to achieve. Set realistic timescales for meeting these objectives

State what you intend to do to achieve these changes. Consider what


you can do yourself and what help you will need from others
Establish how you propose to review your progress and diagnose your
development needs as a continuing process

Evaluation

Communication Skills Using NLP


We value your opinions and comments and so to help us to find out if
the training has been of use and to look at ways we can continue with
the high level of participation and inter-action by individuals, we would
like you to write up your experience of this session.

Just say in your own words whether it has helped you and how you
would like to apply the knowledge and skills acquired in your job:~
Thank you for taking the time to provide us with feedback.