Erin Sanders

COMM 2110
Final Report
04/20/2018

Over the course of the course of this semester, I wanted to create some positive change
within my personal life. The goal was for me to dispose of prejudice of my peers before
understanding all the facts and background of them. Over the course of 16 weeks, I attempted to
implement several ideas from the book to become a more effective communicator. While I feel
like I made good strides in becoming a more understanding empathetic person, I believe I have a
long way to go.

Unwanted Communication Pattern:

There are times in my life where I have been extremely judgmental and stereotype – or
push people into an inflexible, all-encompassing category. (Beebee 8e. Pg. 99) I would tend to
assume peoples’ stories based on their political stance, or who they surround themselves with
and their lifestyle choices. Which is extremely unfair to these individuals who are simply going
on their own journey. These types of prejudices have really made it to where I have anxiety
within myself because I think others are judging me right back. I don’t feel like I can connect to
others on a meaningful level when I operate out of a place of fear and judgment which prevents
me from being my authentic self.
There are a few incidents where it has completely altered my relationships and friendships.

Example 1.
I have this friend who is in a very toxic relationship with a guy. He is extremely
manipulative and awful towards her. This relationship has caused a lot of unnecessary drama in
my life. Over the course of this year, the relationship has gone on and off. I tend to look as at my
friend as weak and insecure. This judgment I have placed on her has essentially prevented us
from remaining close friends. I get feelings of anxiety and anger when I speak with her. Being
able to love her for all that she is, can allow her to understand that it’s okay to feel broken. While
I haven’t revisited this encounter yet, I think I am ready to take the steps in order to
communicate wholeheartedly and without judgment.
Example 2.
Another situation occurred with my mother and me. She has been struggling with some
health issues and I have been a pretty tough daughter. Dealing with alcoholism is something that
takes a lot of patience and compassion which I have lacked in the past. Through this situation,
there has been a lot of anger and frustration on both ends. My mom didn’t feel like I was
listening to her and her fear of letting go alcohol. I wasn’t active listening to her and was
assuming that by being stern, I would get my point across.

These situations stuck out to me, because ultimately, I have been upset and so have they.
With a simple shift to being mindful with my actions and words, these situations could have
gone a lot differently creating more meaningful relationships. My ability to not active listen to
others essentially makes me assume things about the other that may not be true. Just as much as I
want to be heard, others do too.

Strategies:
The strategies that I implemented for this project was to me, really effective. I was able to
delve deeper as to why I place prejudice on others.
Breaking these habits is a work in progress, but striving to do so each day. The first
strategy that I implemented was using social-decentering and start taking into account other’s
thoughts, feelings, values, background and perspectives. (Beebee 8e pg. 130) This strategy I felt
was important because when you start to come from a place of understanding and empathy,
there is no room for judgment. When you learn to social-decenter yourself I believe that active
listening will automatically be put in place and create better relationships. This strategy allowed
me to see how I have responded when being in similar situations. When I’ve been greeted with
judgment, I live in a place of shame. It doesn’t allow me to evolve as a human being, so why
would I put that on somebody else who deserves the same right?
This strategy has opened a lot of doors for me and made me realize I wasn’t as other-
oriented as I would have hoped for. This has opened a lot of doors for me in regard to all
relationships I have in my life. I’m becoming a yoga teacher, so this has really allowed me to see
people for who they are. Imperfections and all.

The second strategy I put into place, was listen compassionately. This strategy allows
me to really listen to the person in front of me. Not just my thoughts that are going through my
head about them. I have been able to really get to know new people on an entirely different level
and let go of those who no longer resonates with me. When listening actively, it allows me to
understand someone’s point of view and really put social-decentering into play.

The third strategy I’ve attempted was taking responsibility and checking my self-
serving bias. “People are more likely to save face by believing that they are not the cause of a
problem; people assume that other people or events are more than likely the source of problems
or events that may put them in an unfavorable light.” (Beebee 8e. Pg. 76) Over the course of 8
months I have had to really check my self-serving bias as my yoga journey has been confronting
for a lot of people. Therefore, I am having to make sure I do not come off as someone who thinks
my lifestyle is better than anyone else. While it’s been uncomfortable, it has allowed me to grow
a lot of really important relationships and walk away from others.

Constraints:
I have faced a lot of constraints and uncomfortable situation while trying to navigate this
character flaw that I have. I’ve dealt with people pushing back calling me a bad friend, and
misunderstandings that has caused a lot of arguments and has lead me to basically end up at
square one. I will be the first to admit, that I have a temper. And there have been some
conversations where my temper has come through. I’m only human and really had to take a step
back. Because I would catch myself in a self-serving bias.
I think this part has been difficult because while I am trying to correct unwanted
behaviors, not everyone is on the same path. So, to be able to have conversations with people
who may not be as enlightened with communication processes has been rather difficult which
has questioned me being judgmental in that way? I know my intentions are there and I do want to
come from a place of understanding and acceptance but for some reason my way of thinking has
been lost in translation with specific people.

Implementation:
This was honestly rather challenging this semester and I had a lot of set-backs. In fact,
I’m going through one right now with a friend where we cannot seem to come to an
understanding. The term “holier than thou” keeps coming up in the ways that I perceive myself
which has made me extremely insecure in how I navigate relationships. Do I constantly come off
as a judgmental person? Is there something that I’m not seeing myself? It’s extremely
disheartening to say the least.
Over the course of these 16 weeks, I have had several different encounters. Some better
than others. This whole project has really allowed me to look within myself to see ways that I
can better improve my life rather than place that judgment on others. While some of the
scenarios worked really well and has created some really good relationships, some I’m still
working on.
The biggest one is with me and my mother. I really take the time to listen to her now, to
understand where she is coming from and really listen actively to when she is upset. Instead of
me getting upset at her short-comings, I started to ask why she didn’t think she could do things.
Come to find out, she didn’t think she could quit her habit and was really scared. She had every
right to feel that way. So now, I take her to see a doctor to make sure she’s doing the things
necessary and I get tips on how to deal with someone who is healing instead of making it all
about me and how I’m feeling at the moment.
While me and my mom have always had a good relationship and we usually always end up
meeting in the middle on most situations.
Other scenarios haven’t been so successful. This specific situation, I tried to do
everything in my power to be an active and compassionate listener, I tried to think about how
I would react and consider how most people would react. This specific friend of mine, has
really thrown me a pretty uncomfortable situation and it ended up blowing up in my face.
Through these conversations I have really looked inward to make sure that I understand where
the other person is coming from before having difficult conversations.
This other time I implemented these strategies successfully, is in one of my other classes.
We were discussing gun control laws. Both of us had very different views on this topic but that is
because we were raised very different. At first I could see the discussion getting a little heated,
however I started to listen actively to see where this person was coming from. Sure, enough there
was a situation where a family member was involved in a shooting, so he felt the need to have a
gun to protect himself. Very valid reason to think you should own a gun. I have never been in a
situation where gun violence was prevalent in my life. I was able to put myself in his shoes,
empathetically listen and avoid the typical stereotype that I have put on individuals in the past.
After this conversation, I really took in detail what I should be focusing on when discussing
controversial topics.
Results:
While I really have learned to implement a lot of these strategies to get to the core issues
of me being judgmental, I still have a long way to go I feel in order to become a more accepting
person. I think a big thing is checking perceptions and making sure I’m asking questions to get
clarity on what the other person is saying and also not taking things so personally.

Social decentering is also a huge part of learning to become other oriented. I think that
when you are consciously thinking about others’ thoughts and feelings, you’re able to avoid
stereotypes and judgments. Allowing myself to become more mindful of my behaviors and how I
come off has allowed me to really check my ego and try and understand others and their stories.

Recommendations:
Learning to become a more accepting and understanding human doesn’t just happen
overnight. These strategies I will want to implement for a long time especially because every
situation is different. Also, learning to become more accepting of myself will in return become
more accepting of others. I was reading Gabrielle Bernstein’s book Judgment Detox and she
quotes; “The moment we see ourselves as separate from anyone else, we detour into a false
belief system that is out of alignment with our true nature, which is love.”
I believe that always turning inwards to understand where these judgments stem from
will allow you to become other-oriented. Taking the time to listen to others is especially
important and not imposing your ideas of how you think the world should work on others.
Essentially remembering that everyone is on their own journey in life and their beliefs are going
to be different than yours and that’s okay.
 The last thing I do recommend whenever trying to become a better person and dropping
things that no longer serve you is to remember to be kind to yourself. We are all human and we
all make mistakes. Human nature is something nobody can get out of. Every one of us makes
mistakes and impose judgments, but it’s beginning to notice those behaviors in order to allow the
real shift to happen.

Works Cited:
BERNSTEIN, GABRIELLE. JUDGMENT DETOX: Release the Beliefs That Hold You Back
from Living a Better Life. GALLERY BOOKS, 2018.

Beebe, Steven A., et al. Interpersonal Communication: Relating to Others. Allyn & Bacon,
2017.