A Good Management Lesson

A Good Management Lesson
Good One!!!
One fine day , a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the
route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things
went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler,
arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay !"
and sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the
same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat
down. And the next day, and the next.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking
advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building
courses, karate, judo , and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good
about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said,
"Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, " And why not? "
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, " Big John has a bus pass ."
Management Lesson : "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to
solve one."
Good Management Lesson
Johnny wanted to have sex with Sophia in his office, but she belonged to someone else.
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you a $100 if you let me
make love to you.
But the girl said 'NO'.
Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by
the time you pick it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.
So she called her boyfriend and told him the story..
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast and he won't even be able to get
his pants down!'
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by .... the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.
She responded, 'The bastard used coins!'
Management lesson!: Always

consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing
to it and running into the risk
of getting screwed!
...CORPORATE LESSON - 1
There were these 4 guys, a Russian, a German, an American and a French, who found this small genie
bottle.
When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

Thankful that the 4 guys had released him out of the bottle, he said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming
pools, I will give each of you a wish.
When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become,and
your wish will come true."
The French wanted to start first.He ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted WINE".
The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.The Frenchman was so happy swimming and drinking
from the pool.
Next is the Russian's turn, he did the same and shouted, "VODKA" and immersed himself into a pool of
vodka.The German was next and he jumped and shouted, "BEER".
He was so contented with His beer pool.
The last is the American.He was running towards the pool when suddenly he steps on a banana peel.
He slipped towards the pool and shouted, "SHIT!!!!!!!........."
MORAL OF THE STORY:> Mind your language, you never know what it will Land you in.
CORPORATE LESSON - 2
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower & the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell,the wife gives up, quickly
wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have
on". After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has
a close look at her for a few seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune,the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs.
When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob
the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $! 800
he owes me?"
MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your stakeholders to prevent avoidable
exposure! :SugarwareZ-191:
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roshcrazyApril 9th, 2007, 02:29 AM

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic with girls." That's Direct
Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic with girls." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic with girls." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour
her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say,
"By the way, I'm fantastic with girls." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic with girls."
That's Brand Recognition. :bigsmile:
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roshcrazyMay 22nd, 2007, 02:47 PM

two lessons more...hehehe..enjoy!!:SugarwareZ-191:
Lesson 1:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun
said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But,
changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once
again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry
sister but the flesh is weak". Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed
heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest
rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up,
you will find glory."
Moral of the story:If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 2:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first!
Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me
next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the
beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and
the love of my life." Puff! He's gone."OK, you're up," the Genie says to
the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office
after lunch."
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.:bigsmile:
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1 moRE lessON freNz....bE pREpAred 4 a lAugh...
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office .. but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny
got so frustrated that he went up to her and said “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you…”
but the girl said “NO.” Johnny said “I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll
be finished by the time you pick it up.”
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult herboyfriend. … so she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants
down. She agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened…
She said “The bastard used quarters!”
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it’s entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed. :pound: :pound: :pound:
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Corporate Lingo:big_grin:
COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up well, a couple of the
real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We have filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace three people who
just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES PROJECT LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect. :bigsmile:
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hehehhe frenz 1 more.....
jus view this link, if u dont, believe me ull miss sumthng hilarious....
http://www.funonthenet.in/content/view/281/31/
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saquibMay 24th, 2007, 09:02 PM

hmmm......good 1....post more threads like these.
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ankitjainMay 24th, 2007, 11:16 PM

hehe the corprate lingo park is so true..
u actually gotta face that in the real work palce!!
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roshcrazyJuly 16th, 2007, 09:06 PM

Boss!".
Enjoy a New Story..!!:aj1:
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three
identical looking parrots on a perch and says:
"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".
"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000
dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how
to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be
told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question
"What can it do?"
To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but
the other two call him boss!":bigsmile:
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roshcrazyJuly 17th, 2007, 06:46 PM

LITTLE BIRD
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large
field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the
frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was
actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and
happy and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under
the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops ___ on you is your
enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of ___ is your
friend.
3) And when you're in deep ____, keep your mouth
shut!
I filled dese dash with problem....work....stress

U ppl can relate it with other things of life
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jack_richards232005July 19th, 2007, 06:37 PM

he he ... gr8 thread. keep going guys. hope to get more of the "corporate lessons"
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roshcrazySeptember 12th, 2007, 12:54 PM

An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA When the American turned to
the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
Again, the Japanese was confused over he question.
The American, now irritated, then yelled, "What kind of -ese are you
... Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese!, etc......??? "
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked What kind Of 'key' was he.
The American, frustrated, yelled, "What do you mean what kind of -kee'am I?!"
The Japanese said, "Are you a Yankee, donkee, or monkee?"
LESSON : "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"
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roshcrazyFebruary 26th, 2008, 07:34 PM

THE NEW CEO
Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered
envelopes, #1,#2, and #3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve,"
the departing CEO said.
Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was catching
a lot of heat. At his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the
first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous
CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively. Sales began to
pick up and the problem was soon behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious
product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second
envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went
to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
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chrisamOctober 13th, 2008, 09:15 AM

dis lesson is cool buddy!!!:SugarwareZ-299:
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ClubZoneDecember 17th, 2008, 06:10 PM

Instead of saying thanks to all the posts I would say it once using this post. Keep them coming.
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Chanakya123December 23rd, 2008, 07:59 PM

How to treat a rude customer
How to Treat a Rude Customer...
An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport.
A crowded Malta-London flight was cancelled. She was the lone attendant in charge of re-booking a long
line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The
attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first,
and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked
loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: May I have your
attention please? May I have your attention please?" she began. With her voice being heard clearly
throughout the terminal, she said, "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO
HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line
laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
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asimtJanuary 10th, 2009, 06:15 PM

Father: I want u to marry a girl of my choice
Son: No......
Father: But girl is Bill Gates Daughter.
Son : Then ok
Father approaches to Bill Gates.................

Father: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: My daughter is too young to marry.
Father: But my son is Vice President of World Bank.
Then ok
Father goes to President of World Bank
Father: Appoint my son as VP in your bank
President: No
Father: But he is son-in-law of Bill Gates
President: Then ok
THIS IS BUSINESS:)
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anwarJanuary 14th, 2009, 02:42 PM

Office Terminology for the New Millennium
ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed,
and who was responsible.
CHAINSAW CONSULTANT: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the
top brass with clean hands.
CHIPS & SALSA: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in
your chips or your salsa.
CLM -Career Limiting Move: Used to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is
within earshot is a serious CLM.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
DILBERTED: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the
comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this
week."
FLIGHT RISK: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or
department soon.
GOOD JOB: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" Job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one
that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generator running.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to
work again.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads
pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage) What yuppies turn into when they have
children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids
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in.adityaJanuary 16th, 2009, 10:42 AM

Government Seal
Official Announcement from USA
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a Condom
because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts
production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security
while you're actually being screwed!
It just doesn't get more accurate than that.
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Position or Performance?
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, nattily dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of
Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the
Kingdom of Heaven ..
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so &
so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of
Heaven ...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a
Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name &
goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED'
Moral of the story: It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.
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guru25January 16th, 2009, 10:56 AM

Hey......
its true...........
Thanks 4 giving these type of true corporate lessons.............
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jangelinApril 25th, 2009, 09:54 PM

Cool Corporate lessons essential for any management / marketing!! :roll:
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nikkisabApril 29th, 2009, 02:25 PM

A New York lawyer
went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field
on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an older man asked him what he was
doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get
that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina.
We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back
and forth, until someone gives up."
The New York attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick
planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His
next too kicks caused the lawyer so much pain that he just about gave up. However, the New York lawyer
summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck
southerner, now it's my turn."
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sal es rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do
nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey,
'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'
T he turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was pr oudly perched at the top of
the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!s
MANAGEMENT COURSE for software testers: Management lessons.
Software testing - Management lessons

5 MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE for all software development staff
Software Management Lesson 1

-------
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked
him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why
not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox
appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.

-------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy. "Well, why don't you nibble on some of
my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a
lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch
of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was
promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

-------
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be
Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We
should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The
hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole
spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole
went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became
crossed, the hands clenched, the feet witched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the
brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion
was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the
shit!
Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.

-------
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the
ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on
it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was.
The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began
to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the
sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out
and ate him!
Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Software Management Lesson 5:

------
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the
doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she
opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel."
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the
bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she
replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Management Lesson:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in
time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

-----
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a
leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand
up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the
church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you
will find glory."
Management Lesson:
If you are not well informed in your job, opportunities for advancement will pass right by
you.

------
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find
an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of
you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach
with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life."
Puff! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management Lesson:
Always let your boss have the first say.

------
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of
my droppings?" replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached
the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
---------
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... But
she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said,
'I'll give you $100. if you let me have sex with you... The girl looked at him, and then said,
'NO!. Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll
finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would
consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend
says. 'Ask him for $200., and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his
pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the
boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriends call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls
and asks, 'What happened...?' Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had
all quarters!'
Management lesson:
Always consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed.
THIS CONCLUDES THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

And as a result:
A Japanese Software company and an American Software company
decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced
long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the

reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior
management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering,
while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting

company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.
They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while
not enough people were rowing.
Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another
loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally
reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1
assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person
rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing
Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the
rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other
equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance,
halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior
executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was outsourced to
India .
Sadly, The End.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and

watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward
a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his

groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around
in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and

immediately began to apologise... 'Please allow me
to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,'

the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in
the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at
his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to

help. She gently took his hands away and laid them
to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands
inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for

several long moments and asked, 'How does that
feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's

broken!
Back to top
Darkknight Posted: Thu Apr 16,
2009 1:23 pm Post

subject:
After having their 11th child, a

Liverpool couple decided that
was enough, as the social
wouldn't buy them a bigger
bed and they weren't strong
Joined: 16 Apr 2006 enough to nick one.
Posts: 504
The husband went to his
Location: On the outer rim. doctor and told him that he
and his wife didn't want to
have any more children.
The doctor told him there was

a procedure called a
vasectomy that would fix the
problem but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to

go home, get a firework, light
it, put it in a beer can, then
hold the can up to his ear and
count to 10.
The Scouser said to the

doctor, 'I may not be the
smartest guy in the world, but
I don't see how putting a
firework in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job',

said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a

banger and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his
ear and began to count: '1, 2,
3, 4, 5,' at which point he
paused, placed the beer can
between his legs so he could
continue counting on his other
hand.
This procedure also works in

Middlesbrough, parts of
Bradford and anywhere in
Wales & the Isle of Wight...
DK.
_________________
The things that come to those
who wait will be the things left
by those that got there first.
Back to top
greenboy Posted: Sun Apr 19,
2009 6:24 pm Post

subject:
A rich man living in Darwin ,

Australia decided that he
wanted to throw a party and
Joined: 24 Dec 2005 invited all of his buddies and
neighbours. He also invited
Posts: 161 Colin, the only aborigine in the
Location: Just out of town neighbourhood.
He held the party around the
pool in the backyard of his
Mansion.
Everyone was having a good
time drinking, dancing, eating
prawns, oysters and BBQ and
flirting. At the height of the
party, the host said, 'I have a
15ft man-eating crocodile in
my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in..'
The words were barely out of

his mouth when there was a
loud splash and everyone
turned around and saw Colin
in the pool fighting the croc
and kicking its ass, jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his
thumbs, throwing punches,
doing all kinds of stuff, like
head butts and chokeholds,
biting the croc on the tail and
flipping the croc through the
air like some kind of Judo
Instructor.
The water was churning and
splashing everywhere. Both
Colin and the croc were
screaming and raising hell.
Finally Colin strangled the croc
and let it float to the top like a
goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out

of the pool. Everybody was
just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, 'Well,

Colin, I reckon I owe you a
million dollars.'
'Nah, you all right boss, I don't
want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I
have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about
half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,'
answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I
insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about
a new Porsche and a Rolex
and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked,
'Well Colin, then what do you
want?
Colin said, 'I want the b**tard

who pushed me in the
pool.'
_________________
Brian Lucas -
Back to top
Matt T Posted: Mon Apr 27,
2009 11:12 am Post

subject:
Gordon Brown was visiting a

primary school and he visited
one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a

Joined: 29 Apr 2007 discussion related to words
and their meanings. The
Posts: 128 teacher asked Mr Brown if he
Location: Ventnor, as much as I can be would like to lead the
discussion on the word
'tragedy'.
So the Prime Minister asked

the class for an example of a
'tragedy'
A little boy stood up and

offered, 'If my best friend who
lives on a farm is playing in
the field and a tractor runs
him over and kills him, that
would be a 'tragedy'.
'No', said Gordon - 'that would

be an accident'.
A little girl raised her hand. 'If
a school bus carrying 50
children drove over a cliff
killing everyone inside, that
would be a 'tragedy'.
'I'm afraid not' explained

Gordon - 'that's what we
would call a great loss'.
The room went silent, no other

children volunteered. Gordon
searched the room. 'Isn't there
someone here who can give
me an example of a 'tragedy'?
Finally at the back of the room

little Johnny raised his hand
..............
In a quiet voice he said. 'If a
plane carrying you and Mr
Darling was struck by a
'friendly fire' missile and the
plane was blown to
smithereens, that would be a
'tragedy'.
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon.

'That's right, and can you tell
me why that would be a
tragedy?'
'Well' says little Johnny,'it has

to be a tragedy, because it
certainly wouldn't be a great
loss and it probably wouldn't
be a f*cking accident Either!
Back to top
Darkknight Posted: Mon Apr 27,
2009 1:32 pm Post

subject:
A man walks into a pub one

night and asks for three
drinks. The barman asks the
man what's wrong, to which
the man replied, "My oldest
Joined: 16 Apr 2006 son is a homosexual." So the
barman gives him his three
Posts: 504 drinks.
Location: On the outer rim.
A few months later the man
walks in and asks the barman
for five drinks. and again the
barman askes the man what's
wrong. "My second son is a
homosexual." The barman
gives him five drinks, and the
man goes on his way.
Several months later, he walks

in again and asks for ten
drinks. The barman again asks
what's wrong. "My youngest
son just admitted he's
homosexual."
To which the barman replied,

"My goodness, isn't there
anybody in your family that
likes women?"
"Yeah" the man replied "My

wife does."
DK.
_________________
who wait will be the things left
Back to top
Matt T Posted: Tue Apr 28,
2009 1:22 pm Post

subject:
A man staggered into a

hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black
eyes and a five iron wrapped
tightly around his throat.
Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Naturally the doctor asked
Posts: 128 him, 'What happened to you?'
Location: Ventnor, as much as I can be
'Well, I was having a quiet
round of golf with my wife,
when at a difficult hole, we
both sliced our balls into a cow
pasture.' We went to look for
them and while I was looking
around I noticed one of the
cows had something white at
its rear end.' 'I walked over,
lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my
wife's monogram on it - stuck
right in the middle of the cow's
butt.'
Still holding the cow's tail up, I

yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like your's!'
'I don't remember much after

that.
Back to top
Matt T Posted: Wed Apr 29,
2009 8:35 am Post

subject:
A married Irishman went into

the confessional and said to
his priest, 'I almost had an
affair with another woman.'
Joined: 29 Apr 2007 The priest said, 'What do you

mean, almost?' The Irishman
Posts: 128 said, 'Well, we got undressed
Location: Ventnor, as much as I can be and rubbed together, but then
I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing

together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to see
that woman again. For your
penance, say five Hail Mary's
and put £ 50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the

confessional, said his prayers,
and then walked over to the
poor box. He paused for a
moment and then started to
leave. The priest, who was
watching, quickly ran over to
him saying, 'I saw that. You
didn't put any money in the
poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah,

but I rubbed the $50 on the
box, and according to you,
that's the same as putting it
in!'
Back to top
Darkknight Posted: Fri May 01,
2009 8:02 am Post

subject:
A cake decorations
manufacturer is laying off staff
due to the credit crunch.
Hundreds and thousands are
at risk.
DK.
_________________
Joined: 16 Apr 2006 who wait will be the things left
Posts: 504
Location: On the outer rim.
Back to top
Darkknight Posted: Fri May 01,
2009 8:35 am Post

subject:
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon, men are legally

allowed to have sex with
Joined: 16 Apr 2006 animals, but the animals must
be female. Having sexual
Posts: 504 relations with a male animal is
Location: On the outer rim. punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)
In Bahrain, a male doctor may

legally examine a woman's
genitals, but is prohibited from
looking directly at them during
the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different

reversed?)
Muslims are banned from

looking at the genitals of a
corpse. This also applies to
undertakers. The sex organs
of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece
of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
The penalty for masturbation

in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going
blind!')
There are men in Guam whose

full-time job is to travel the
countryside and deflower
young virgins, who pay them
for the privilege of having sex
for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is
expressly forbidden for virgins
to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute;

is there any job anywhere else
in the world that even comes
close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife

is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may
only do so with her bare
hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on
the other hand, may be killed
in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)
Topless saleswomen are legal

in Liverpool, England - but
only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
In Cali, Colombia , a woman

may only have sex with her
husband, and the first time
this happens, her mother must
be in the room to witness the
act.
(Makes one shudder at the

thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is

illegal for a man to have sex
with a woman and her
daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big

enough problem that they had
to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is illegal to sell
condoms from vending
machines with one exception:
Prophylactics may be
dispensed from a vending
machine only 'in places where
alcoholic beverages are sold
for consumption on the
premises.'
(Is this a great country or

what? Well, not as great as
Guam!)
Banging your head against a

wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these

tests?)
The ant can lift 50 times its

own weight, can pull 30 times
its own weight and always falls
over on its right side when
intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles

of???)
(Did our government pay for

this research??)
Butterflies taste with their

feet.
(Ah, geez.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than

its brain.
(I know some people like

that.)
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that,

too.)
And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through
their backsides.
(And I thought I had bad

breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this,

if you need to reach me in the
future I will be in Guam!!!!!!
DK
This was originally shown on on BBC TV back in the

seventies. Ronnie Barker
could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how
many takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of
delivery must
have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting
through it without
converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as
you read ...
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion.

Rindercella
worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and
shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.
The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called
Mary Hinge, and
the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really
forrible huckers;
they had fetty sweet and fetty swannies. The sugly isters
had tickets to go
to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella
go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother

appeared. Her
name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking
fesbian. She turned a
pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage
with six dandy
ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by

dimnlight otherwise,
there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome

hince when suddenly
the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said
Rindercella,
and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her
slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on

Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her
leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted??" asked the prandsome
hince. "Blame that
fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge. When the stinking
brown cloud had
lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters
without success
and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the

prandsome hince a knack
in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge
halls and a
hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted

pucking ferfectly.
Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The

pransome hince lived
his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a
follen swanny.
_________________
"If everything is under control you are going too slow".
Mario Andretti.
Tue Mar 20, 2007 12:15 pm Profile | Email
Harry_Gatto RE: how about some jokes

Super Duper JT Member IT Support........................
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't
get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing
the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good;
I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm inserted it yet... it's still on my
Posts: 2788 desk... sorry....
Location: Beside the empty seat. ===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my
computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help
you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start"
for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting
technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is
Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says "Can't find printer." I've even
lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
==============
Customer: I have problems printing in
red...
Tech support: Do you have a color
printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor
now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend
bought for me at Woolies.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working
anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged
into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the
computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and
walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK Tech support: Did the
keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes Tech support: That means
the keyboard is not plugged in. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here.
Ah...that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the
small letter "a" as in apple, a capital
letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
===============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the
right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my
colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the
password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program
do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus
program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A
friend has placed a screen saver on my
computer, but every time I move the
mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be
the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in
the address, but how do I get the
circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon
help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under
windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the
door, but that is a good point. The man
sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is
working fine.
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: Okay Colin, let's press the
control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in
the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program
Manager.
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard,
Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
_________________
"If everything is under control you are
going too slow". Mario Andretti.
Tue Mar 20, 2007 12:18 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member A woman comes home and tells her
husband, "Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well,
they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband
asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to
a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front
of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I
do not have a headache; I do not have a
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm headache, I do not have a headache.' It
Posts: 2788 worked! The headaches are all gone."
Location: Beside the empty seat.
The husband replies, "Well, that is
wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you

haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the
bedroom these last few years. Why don't
you go see the hypnotist and see if he
can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband

comes home, rips off his clothes, picks
up his wife and carries her into the
bedroom. He puts her on the bed and
says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes

back a few minutes later and jumps into
bed and makes passionate love to his
wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was

wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be

right back. "He goes back into the
bathroom, comes back and round two
was even better than the first time. The
wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll

be right back." With that, he goes back
in the bathroom. This time, his wife
quietly follows him and there, in the
bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying, "She's not my wife.
She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"
_________________
Fri Mar 23, 2007 9:57 am Profile | Email

weymouth RE: how about some jokes
JT Member If you buy a can of Alpo dog food for 99
cents, that's almost seven dollars in dog
Joined: Thu Mar 31, 2005 7:45 pm money!
Posts: 283
Tue Mar 27, 2007 9:51 am Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Out of the mouths of babes.............
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the

same stuff.
Like, if you like sports, she should like it
that you like sports, and she should
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm keep the
Posts: 2788 chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they
grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to
find out later who you're stuck with. --
Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET

MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because

you know the person FOREVER by then.
Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO

PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on

whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids . -- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND

DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori,

age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people

should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to say
if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette,
age 8 (isn't she a
treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each

other lies and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second
date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE

THAT WAS TURNING
SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next

day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all
the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen,

so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - -
Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss

someone, then you should marry them
and have kids with them. It's the right
thing to do. -- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not

for boys. Boys need someone to clean
up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you
child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT

IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to

explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8
And the number 1 favourite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE

WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even

if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10
_________________
Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:24 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member One day Johnny got so frustrated that
he went up to the first girl he met and
said, "I'll give you a ￡100 if you let me
have sex with you."
The girl said, " NO."
Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the
money on the floor, You bend down, and
I'll be finished by the time you pick it
up"
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm She thought for a moment and said that
Posts: 2788 she would have to consult her boyfriend.
Location: Beside the empty seat. She called her boyfriend and told him
the story
The boyfriend said, "Ask him for ￡200,
then pick up the money very fast. He
won't even be able to get his pants
down."
She agreed and accepted the proposal.
Half an hour went by and the boyfriend
was waiting for his girlfriend to call.
Finally, after an hour the boyfriend
called and asked what happened......
"The ******* used Pennies!"
Management Lesson : Always consider a

business proposal in its entirety before
agreeing to it and getting screwed!
_________________
Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:45 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member One for the ladies -
One day my housework-challenged

husband decided to wash his sweat-
shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the
laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing
machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What
does it say on your shirt?" He yelled
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm back, " University of Oklahoma .."
Posts: 2788 And they say blondes are dumb..
A couple are lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest
woman in the world'. The woman replies,
"I'll miss you..."
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"

Jack says as he stepped out of the
shower "honey, what do you think the
neighbours would think if I mowed the
lawn like this?" "Probably that I married
you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good

looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to

understand my man; Love to forgive him;
and Patience for his moods. Because,
Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him
to death. AMEN.
Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practising to be men.
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in

your bed gasping for breath and calling
your name?: You did not hold the pillow
down long enough.
Q: Why do men whistle when they are

sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end
they need to wipe.
Q: How do you keep your husband from

reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction
Manuals"
_________________
Fri Mar 30, 2007 1:47 pm Profile | Email
hockey_man RE: how about some jokes

Hockey Goon Emeritus Back when Bill Clinton and Hillary got
married Bill told her, "There's one thing I
want you to know. There's a box under
my bed and I don't want you to look in it
until I die."
Hillary agreed to this but, over the

years, curiosity got the better of her and
she finally looked in it. She found three
beer cans and 1.5 million dollars in
cash.
Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2004 2:41 am
When she asked Bill what the beer cans
Posts: 9033
were for, he replied, "Well, those are for
Location: Straddling the Canadian/U.S. border
all the times I've cheated on you."
Hillary said, "Well, that's not bad after
all these years and you being a
politician and travelling and all."
She was about to leave, but then she

said, "Hey, Bill, what about the 1.5
million dollars?"
Bill replied, "That's for all the times the

box got full and I had to cash the cans
in."
===
A woman was walking down the street

when she was accosted by a
particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless woman who asked her for a
couple of dollars for dinner. The woman
took out her billfold, extracted ten
dollars and asked, "If I give you this
money, will you buy some wine with it
instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago,"

the homeless woman answered.
"Will you use it to go shopping instead

of buying food?" the woman asked
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the

homeless woman said. "I need to eat"
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon

instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS?!" replied the homeless

woman. "I haven't had my hair done in
20 years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to

give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my
husband and me tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded.
"Won't your husband be furious with you
for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I
probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's

important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up
shopping, hair appointments and wine."
===
A gorgeous redhead goes into the

doctor's office and says 'her body hurts
whenever she touches it'.
'Impossible' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on

her left breast, and screams, then she
pushes on her elbow, and screams in
even more agony. She pushes her knee
and screams, then she pushes on her
thigh, and more screaming. Pushes her
ankle, more screams, and everywhere
she touches makes her scream.
Doctor says, 'You're not really a redhead

are you.'
'Well, no', she says, 'I'm actually a

blonde.'
'I thought so', the doctor says, 'Your

finger is broken.'
===
The Democratic National Committee is

currently polling Americans through the
internet to determine the electability of
Hillary Clinton for the presidency of the
United States in 2008.
If you would like to show your support

for Hillary and encourage her to run for
President of the United States in 2008
please add your name to the bottom of
the list below and send it on. Please
forward and don't break the chain. This
poll has been circulating since 1/03/07.
1.
_________________
Cats are your friends.
They just won't bail you out of jail.
Hockey Cat's Excess Energy
Wed Apr 04, 2007 2:20 am Profile | Email
contamination RE: how about some jokes

Super Duper JT Member Mothers
And just how many of these did you hear

growing up???
1. My mother taught me LOVE.

'If you're going to kill each other, do it
outside. I just finished cleaning.'
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am 2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

Posts: 1065 'You better pray that will come out of
the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME

TRAVEL.
'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to
knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

' Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

'If you fall out of that swing and break
your neck, you're not going to the store
with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in
case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY.

'Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the

science of OSMOSIS.
'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about

CONTORTIONISM.
'Will you look at that dirt on the back of
your neck!'

STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is
gone.'

WEATHER.
'This room of yours looks as if a tornado
went through it.'

HYPOCRISY.
'If I told you once, I've told you a million
times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF

LIFE.
'I brought you into this world, and I can
take you out.'

BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
'Stop acting like your father!'
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

'There are millions of less fortunate
children in this world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do.'

ANTICIPATION.
'Just wait until we get home.'

RECEIVING.
'You are going to get it when you get
home!'
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL

SCIENCE.
'If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to get stuck that way.'
19. My mother taught me ESP.

'Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?'
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

'When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me.'
21. My mother taught me HOW TO

BECOME AN ADULT.
'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll
never grow up.'
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

'You're just like your father.'
23. My mother taught me about my
ROOTS.
'Shut that door behind you. Do you think
you were born in a barn?'
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

'When you get to be my age, you'll
understand.'
25. And my favourite: My mother taught

me about JUSTICE.
'One day you'll have kids, and I hope
they turn out just like you
_________________
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in
motion,
It is by the beans of Java that thoughts
acquire speed,
The hands acquire shaking, the shaking
becomes a warning,
motion.
Thu Apr 05, 2007 2:14 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he
called his grandson to his bed.
"Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I

wanta you to take mya 45 automatic
pistol, so you will always remember
me".
"But grandpa I really don't like guns,

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm how about you leaving me your Rolex
Posts: 2788 watch instead".
"You lisina to me, some day you goin a
be runna da bussiness, you goina have a
beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home
and maybe a couple od bambino, some
day you goina come hom and maybe
finda you wife in bed with another man.
Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you
watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?
_________________
Mon Apr 09, 2007 2:20 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member A mortician was working late one night.
It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be
buried or cremated. As he examined the
body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to
be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest
private part he had ever seen!
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the
Posts: 2788 mortician, "But I can't send you off to be
Location: Beside the empty seat. cremated with a tremendously huge
private part like this. It has to be saved
for posterity." And with that the coroner
used his tools to remove the dead man's
penis. The coroner stuffed his prize into
a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed was his

wife. "I have something to show you that
you won't believe," he said, and opened
his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz

is dead!"
_________________

Super Duper JT Member 25 sentences from church bulletins
They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank

God for church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced in
church services:
1. The Fasting & Prayer Conference

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am includes meals.
Posts: 1065
2. The sermon this morning: "Jesus
Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus."
3. Ladies, don't forget the rummage

sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the
house. Bring your husbands.
4. The peacemaking meeting scheduled
for today has been cancelled due to a
conflict.
5. Remember in prayer the many who

are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell"
to someone who doesn't care much
about you.
6. Don't let worry kill you off let the

Church help.
7. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not

pass this way again," giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
8. For those of you who have children

and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts

for the choir. They need all the help they
can get.
10. The Rector will preach his farewell

message after which the choir will sing:
"Break Forth Into Joy."
11. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter

were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began
in their school days.
12. A bean supper will be held on

Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.
13. At the evening service tonight, the

sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
Come early and listen to our choir
practice.
14. Eight new choir robes are currently

needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration
of some older ones.
15. Scouts are saving aluminum cans,

bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple
children.
16. Please place your donation in the

envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
17. The church will host an evening of

fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
18. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM

prayer and medication to follow.
19. The ladies of the Church have cast

off clothing of every kind. They may be
seen in the basement on Friday
afternoon.
20. This evening at 7 PM there will be a

hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come
prepared to sin.
21. Ladies Bible Study will be held

Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship
Hall after the B. S. is done.
22. The pastor would appreciate it if the

ladies of the congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday.
23. Low Self Esteem Support Group will

meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the
back door.
24. The eighthgraders will be presenting

Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The
congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.
25. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM

at the First Presbyterian Church. Please
use large double door at the side
entrance.
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.

Super Duper JT Member TRANSLATING WOMEN'S ENGLISH!!
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We need = I want
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am
Posts: 1065 I'm sorry = you'll be sorry
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
Do what you want = you'll pay for this

later
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you

moron!
Are you listening to me?? = Too late,

you're dead
You have to learn to communicate =

Just agree with me
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have

flabby thighs
You're so... Manly = you need a shave

and you sweat a lot
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for

something expensive
It's your decision = the correct decision

should be obvious by now
You're certainly attentive tonight = is

sex all you ever think about??
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your

shoes and find a good game on TV
How much do you love me? = I did

something today that you're really not
going to like
TRANSLATING MEN'S ENGLISH
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Nice dress = Great Tits!
I love you = let's have sex now
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
What's wrong = I guess sex tonight is

out of the question
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd

better have sex now!
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually

like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd

eventually like to have sex with you
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd

Will you marry me? = I want to make it

illegal for you to have sex with other
guys
You look tense, let me give you a

massage = I want to have sex with you
in the next ten minutes
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you

by showing that I am a deep person and
maybe then you'd like to have sex with
me
I don't think those shoes go with that

outfit = I am gay
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.
Wed Apr 11, 2007 6:59 pm Profile | Email
DrHand RE: how about some jokes

JT Member Frank was excited about his new rifle.
So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a
Joined: Fri Sep 08, 2006 9:47 am small brown bear and shot it. There was
Posts: 193 then a tap on his shoulder, and he
turned round to see a big black bear.
The black bear said "You've got two

choices. I either maul you to death or
we have sex."
Frank decided to bend over. Even though

he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon
recovered and vowed revenge. He
headed out on another trip where he
found the black bear and shot it. There
was another tap on his shoulder. This
time a huge grizzly bear stood right next
to him.
The grizzly said "That was a huge

mistake, Frank. You've got two choices.
Either I maul you to death or we'll have
rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to

comply.
Although he survived, it would take

several months before Frank finally
recovered. Outraged, he headed back to
the woods, managed to track down the
grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet
revenge, but then there was a tap on his
shoulder. He turned round to find a giant
polar bear standing there.
The polar bear said "Admit it, Frank, you

don't come here for the hunting, do
you?"
Thu Apr 12, 2007 9:37 am Profile | Email
tnstaafl RE: how about some jokes

the old man in the mountain Beware dumb blond joke (I actually like
blonds, really.)
Young man tok his blond girl friend to
her first football game. She sat throught
the game paying as much attention as
she could. On the way home her
boyfriend ask "How did you like the
game"
"Well, it was very interesting and
exciting but theres one thing I could not
Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 2:31 pm undersatnd."
Posts: 11181 "And what would that be"
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C., USA "Why do they try to kill each other over
twenty five cents."
The boy friend looked at her with a
questioning look, "Twenty five cents.
What do you mean."
"Well" she said, "at the beginning of the
game they flipped a coin, one side won,
then all through the game they kept
yelling GET THE QUARTER BACK, GET
THE QUARTER BACK."
_________________
Who knows where madness lies?
Perhaps to be too practical is madness.
To surrender dreams- this may be
madness. To seek treasure where there
is only trash. Too much sanity may be
madness, And maddest of all, to see life
as it is, and not as it should be!
Thu Apr 12, 2007 9:50 am Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Kids In Church
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posts: 1065
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy,

don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~
After the christening of his baby brother
in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the

back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what

was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
"That preacher said he wanted us

brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one particular four-year-old prayed,
"And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our

baskets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~
A Sunday school teacher asked her

children as they
were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in

church?"
one bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~
A mother was preparing pancakes for

her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.
The boys began to argue over who would

get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a

moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would

say,
'Let my brother have the first pancake, I

can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and

said,
"Ryan, you be Jesus!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~
A father was at the beach with his

children
when the four-year-old son ran up to

him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the

shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son

asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad

replied.
The boy thought a moment and then

said,
"Did God throw him back down?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-

old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl

replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say,"

the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these

people to dinner?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.
Thu Apr 12, 2007 11:49 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Who's Kid?
A guy goes to the supermarket and

notices an attractive woman waving at
him. She says hello. He's rather taken
aback because he can't place
where he knows her from.
So he says, "Do you know me?"

Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am
Posts: 1065 To which she replies, "I think you're the
father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only

time he has ever been unfaithful
to his wife and says, "My God, are you
the stripper from my bachelor
party that I made love to on the pool
table with all my buddies watching
while your partner whipped my butt with
wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,

"No, I'm your son's teacher."
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.
Fri Apr 13, 2007 12:24 am Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Alternative teachings of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not
lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may
not follow. Do not walk beside me for
the path is
narrow. In fact, just f**k off and leave
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am me alone.
Posts: 1065 2. The journey of a thousand miles
begins with a broken fan belt and a flat
tyre.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your
neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important

unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just
like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with
both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether
you're alive or dead, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you
should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a
mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for
a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will
sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never
see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some
days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the
first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad
experience, and a lot of that comes from
bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your
money is to fold it in half and put it back
in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a
light side and a dark side, and it holds
the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing
with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't
learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't
get until just after you need it.
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.
Sun Apr 15, 2007 9:27 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to
leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at
midnight.
During the pilot's preflight check, he

discovers the latrine holding tank is
still full from the last flight.
A message is sent to the base and an

Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm off-duty airman is called to take care
Posts: 2788 of it.
The young man finally gets to the base
and makes his way to the aircraft,
only to find the latrine pump truck has
been left outdoors and is frozen
solid, so he must find another one in the
hangar, which takes even more
time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less

than enthusiastic about what he has
to do.
Nevertheless, he goes about the job

carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk
criticism later.
As he's leaving, the pilot stops him and

says, "Son, your attitude and
performance has caused this flight to be
late and I'm going to see to it
that you are not just reprimanded but
punished."
Shivering in the cold, his task finished,

he takes a deep breath, stands
tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect,
I'm not your son; I'm an Airman
in the US Air Force.
I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11

months without any leave, and
reindeer's asses are beginning to look
good to me.
I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the

morning, the temperature is 40
below zero, and my job is to pump *****
out of an aircraft.
Exactly what form of punishment did

you have in mind?"
_________________
Tue Apr 17, 2007 2:00 pm Profile | Email
hockey_man RE: how about some jokes

Hockey Goon Emeritus It was graduation day at the convent
and the novices were lined up as the
Mother Superior passed by them.
She asked the first in line, "Now that

you're going to be a nun, what will you
do?"
The young novice replied, "I'm going to

Joined: Sun Aug 29, 2004 2:41 am
the poorest neighborhood in L.A. and
Posts: 9033
teach the children about mathematics,
Location: Straddling the Canadian/U.S. border
science and God."
"Bless you", said the elder nun as she

walked to the next and asked the same
question.
"I'm going to a poor nation and help

nurse those with A.I.D.S. to try and ease
their suffering and help them find God."
Mother Superior wiped a tear from her

eye and made the sign of the cross from
pride.
"And what about you?" she asked the

next nun.
"I'm moving to New York to become a

prostitute."
Mother Superior fainted. After she was

revived she became very angry and
demanded, "What did you say?".
The nun looked her straight in the eyes

and repeated, "I'm moving to New York
to become a prostitute".
"Praise the Lord, my child", she smiled.

"I thought you said Protestant."
_________________
Cats are your friends.
They just won't bail you out of jail.
Hockey Cat's Excess Energy
Wed Apr 18, 2007 9:38 am Profile | Email
tnstaafl RE: how about some jokes

the old man in the mountain A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major
found himself at a gala event hosted by
a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.
Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you

Joined: Mon Nov 22, 2004 2:31 pm seem to be a very serious man. Is
Posts: 11181 something bothering you?
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C., USA
Negative, ma'am. Just serious by
nature.
The young lady looked at his awards and

decorations and said, It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.
Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.
The young lady, tiring of trying to start

up a conversation, said, You
know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself.
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in

his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, You know, I
hope you don't take this the
wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?
1955, ma'am.
Well, there you are. You really need to

chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex
since 1955! She took his hand and
led him to a private room where she
proceeded to relax him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she

leaned against his bare chest and said,
Wow, you sure didn't forget much since
1955!
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his

watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, I hope not, it's only 2130 now.
(Don't ya just love military time?!)
_________________
Who knows where madness lies?
Perhaps to be too practical is madness.
To surrender dreams- this may be
madness. To seek treasure where there
is only trash. Too much sanity may be
madness, And maddest of all, to see life
as it is, and not as it should be!
Wed Apr 18, 2007 12:10 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Country Technology
It's too big to be posted on this site, but

it's funny!
_________________
motion,
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am acquire speed,
Posts: 1065 The hands acquire shaking, the shaking
becomes a warning,
motion.
Fri Apr 20, 2007 6:45 pm Profile | Email

Super Duper JT Member Irish Jokes
A married Irishman went into the

confessional and said to his priest, "I
almost had an affair with another
woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean,
almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am undressed and rubbed together, but then
Posts: 1065 I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the
same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again For
your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said
his prayers, and then walked over to the
poor box. He paused for a moment and
then started to leave. The priest, who
was watching, quickly ran over to him
saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any
money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I
rubbed the $50 on the box, and
According to you, that's the same as
putting it in!"
There once was a religious young

woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she
said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and
be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my
boyfriend made mad
Passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and then said,
"Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and
drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this
cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that
smile off of your face."
A man was just waking up from

anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes
fluttered open and he said, "You're
beautiful." Then he fell asleep again. His
wife had never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered
open and he said,"You're cute."
The wife was disappointed because
instead of "beautiful," it was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to
beautiful?"
The man replied, "The drugs are wearing
off."
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish

countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and
Muldoon went to the parish
Priest and asked, "Father, my dog is
dead. Could ya' be saying' a
Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not;
we cannot have services for an animal
in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no
tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the poor creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.
Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate
to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary,
Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me
the dog was Catholic?"
An elderly man walks into a

confessional. The following
conversation
Ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a
wonderful wife of 70 years, many
Children, grandchildren, and great
grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up
two college girls, hitchhiking. We went
to a motel, where I had sex with each of
them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are
you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling

everybody."
A woman was having a passionate affair

with an inspector from a
Pest-control company. One afternoon
they were carrying on in the
Bedroom together, when her husband
arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick,"
said the woman to the lover, "into the
closet!" and she pushed him in the
closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became
suspicious and after a search of the
Bedroom discovered the man in the
closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,"
said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the
husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an
infestation of moths,"
The man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked
the husband.
The man looked down at himself and
said, .. "Those little bastards....."
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.

Super Duper JT Member Sick
A deformed and ugly man walks into his

local pub with a big grin on his
face.
" What are you so happy about?" asks

the barman.
Joined: Wed Dec 22, 2004 10:26 am " I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You
Posts: 1065 know, I live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last
night, I noticed a young woman tied
to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of
course, went and cut her free
and took her back to my place. "
Anyway, to make a long story short, I
scored big time! We made love all night,
all over the house. We did
everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position
imaginable!"
" Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman.

"You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
" Dunno...never found the head."
_________________
motion,
acquire speed,
becomes a warning,
motion.

Super Duper JT Member I pulled an old woman at a club last
night .
She was a right sort for 57 , we drank a
bit , had a bit of a snog & she asked if
I'd ever had a mother daughter 3 some?
I said no. We drank a bit more, then she
says that tonight was my lucky night. I
went back to her place, she put the hall
light on & and shouted up stairs
Joined: Fri Jan 16, 2004 4:00 pm
Posts: 2788 " Mum you still awake ?"

A Good Management Lesson

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A Good Management Lesson

Management lesson!: Always

When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared.

roshcrazyApril 9th, 2007, 02:29 AM

roshcrazyMay 22nd, 2007, 02:47 PM

roshcrazyMay 22nd, 2007, 03:22 PM

She said “The bastard used quarters!”

roshcrazyMay 22nd, 2007, 03:50 PM

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

roshcrazyMay 22nd, 2007, 04:39 PM

saquibMay 24th, 2007, 09:02 PM

ankitjainMay 24th, 2007, 11:16 PM

roshcrazyJuly 16th, 2007, 09:06 PM

"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"What can it do?"

roshcrazyJuly 17th, 2007, 06:46 PM

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

I filled dese dash with problem....work....stress

jack_richards232005July 19th, 2007, 06:37 PM

roshcrazySeptember 12th, 2007, 12:54 PM

LESSON : "NEVER INSULT ANYONE"

roshcrazyFebruary 26th, 2008, 07:34 PM

chrisamOctober 13th, 2008, 09:15 AM

ClubZoneDecember 17th, 2008, 06:10 PM

Chanakya123December 23rd, 2008, 07:59 PM

How to Treat a Rude Customer...

An award should go to the gate attendant at Luqa airport.

asimtJanuary 10th, 2009, 06:15 PM

Father: But girl is Bill Gates Daughter.

Father approaches to Bill Gates.................

Bill Gates: My daughter is too young to marry.

Father: But my son is Vice President of World Bank.

Father goes to President of World Bank

Father: Appoint my son as VP in your bank

Father: But he is son-in-law of Bill Gates

anwarJanuary 14th, 2009, 02:42 PM

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

in.adityaJanuary 16th, 2009, 10:42 AM

Official Announcement from USA

It just doesn't get more accurate than that.

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

guru25January 16th, 2009, 10:56 AM

Thanks 4 giving these type of true corporate lessons.............

jangelinApril 25th, 2009, 09:54 PM

nikkisabApril 29th, 2009, 02:25 PM

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

Moral of the story:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

The priest nearly had an accident.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Moral of the story:

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

Moral of the story:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

Moral of the story:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

Moral of the story: