ACT ONE ‘Scene: Foyer of MRS. RITTENHOUSE’s home on Long Island. OVERTURE. At Rist: Stage is empty. At opening HIVES comes down the stairs, pulls bell cord and BUTLERS enter. OPENING NUMBER: HIVES, BUTLERS, GUESTS. Music underscores the dialogue. (recitative) “Social season opens with Island home of Mrs. Rittenhouse.” “Captain Jeffrey T. Spalding, MUST DO YOUR BEST TONIGHT BE ONYOUR TOES MEN / THERDSAN HONORED GUEST TONI \ | HES ONE BE THOSE MEN \ WHO 1s BEINGSETED BY THE SMART SET. WELL SEE THAT (AAT HEE DESER AGAIN I MENTION BE ON YOUR TOES‘MEN HE CRAVES AJAENTION Mas, RITENHOUSE. Oh, Hives. Hives. Yes, Madam. Mas. Ritrennouse. I'd like to make a few changes in the assignment of the rooms.10 ANIMAL CRACKERS Haves. Very good, Madam. Mas. Rirrenuouse. Suppose you put Mr. Chandler in the honor Captain would like two baths. Dot Haves. Yes, Madam. Having ji may need two baths. “Henri Dou famous 5 (enters) -ENHOK Beaugard? I can’ indness. nothing. But to you. For have slept io you expect Captain Spalding? Doucet. If madam does not mind, I woul WE'RE AT YOUR SERVICE Gues — _ MIX my WEFHTA KICK AND SERVE TF-QUICKL © Buses, (aT Ai cer asnex-ruar voll ESERIES ARABELLA. (entering) Well, mother, how is it going? Mas. Rirresnouse, Very wel don’t think therell be any dou Island. And it wouldn't surpri Staten Island "AnAusiiA. Yes and that dippy sister of hers gives me a pain the instep, too. Mas. Rirresouse, I do wish you'd take this more seriously. my dear. After this week, I about who's who on Long ‘me if Mrs. Whitehead moved to ANIMAL CRACKERS n Here you are a debutante. You've been out two months and you aren't engaged to a single person. ‘Anaseiia, What would you suggest, suicide? inston. Mas. Rrrrennouse. I would suggest Mr. ‘Anawetia. Huh? Mas. Rerrextouse. Mr. Wally Winston. He’s coming here to- day. Why not? ‘Anasexia. Why not what? Mas. Ritrenxouss. Do stop Furnish him with jing he prints. Making whoopee. urreNHOUSE. Exactly (HIVES enters.) Hives. Mrs. Whitehead is here, and her sister Miss Carpenter. (MRS, WHITEHEAD and GRACE enter. HIVES exits.) Mas. Wrrrenzap. My dear Mrs. Mas, Rirrexnouss. My dear Mrs, good of you both to come. Thank you, ‘Yes, and it was pretty nice of us to ask you. . guished guests? Mrs, WHITEHEAD. re is Captain Spalding? Hasn't he arrived? Mas. Rrrrenouse. Not yet, he'll be here presentl Mas, WutreHEAD. (catty) You're a 's coming? ‘ARABELLA. Oh yes, he doesn’t know you're h Mas. Rirrenuouse. He asked me to tell you, he's so sorry he Jet out your way. But of course with only one weekend at rally we can understand. (HIVES enters.)ANIMAL CRACKERS sieur Doucet is ready, Madam fo erect the sculp- Mas, Rirrennéuse. Thank You. HIVES exits.) 1 hope you’ am exhibiting a statue you know. Nothing master- piece, “After the Hunt”. (MRS. RITTENHOUSE exis.) ‘Anasetta. You'll have to pardon me too. Nothing important. George S. Bernard Shaw wants me to help him wi play. (exit) Grace. Beaugard’s “After the Hunt”, Now wher She starts toward exit. shown in Paris it ca Mrs. WHITEHEAD. Grace. How about kidnapping Spalding? Mas. Wi S ‘An elephant hunter. No wonder Mrs. Rittenhouse looks good to him. stronger? First Girt, Whi Wavstow. What morning? ANIMAL CRACKERS B rst Gi, But thats old stuff now. Secon Gat Yow aabyant the latest Winston: Tomortowseolumn; see all, knows all, and tll a (WALLY and GIRLS exi down luggage and small crate, starts to come Ds., hat in hand. HIVES enters looks at JOHN. JOHN looks at HIVES.) Joun. That's very nice. Yours? Hives. May I have your name? Jou. Parker, John Parker. Hives. Of the Massachusetts Parkers? Jou. No. Hives, The Southern Parkers? Joun. No. The Central Parkers. The bench at seventy-second street. Hives. I see. I'l tell Mrs. Rittenhouse you're here. (Exits. A pair of GUESTS cross.) Jou. Thank you. (MRS. RITTENHOUSE enters.) Mas, Rirrennouse. Mr. Hoffman? can do for you? thought you invited me here. Jon. I'm sorry, but I guess—(He starts to get his things and leaves.) ‘Mas. RirreNnoust. Oh, of course. You're the young man who sculpts? eNnouse. 1 lovely talk about at Mas. Rirrennouse. So nice of you to come, Mr. Harper. Joun. Parker.4 ANIMAL CRACKERS Mas. RITTENHOUSE. Did you bring a sample of your wonder- ful work with y + this is... may I show . . . if you (HIVES enters.) Hives. Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler. Mas. RITTENHOUSE. The very person Iw you to meet. (FOOTMEN enter with luggage, golf clubs, attention, while CHANDLER enters.) =. They stand at Cuanpizr. Mrs. Rittenhouse. Mas. Ritrennouse. Mr. Chandler. Cuanpier. (coming toward her with outstretched hands) Pm so glad— (The splendid formality of this entrance is slightly marred at this point by the fact that CHANDLER trips over JOHN's bag ias been left c. He falls flat. The FOOTMEN hale ir luggage. HIVES come to help pick CHAND- LER up. MRS. RITTENHOUSE and JOHN also are about to help. CHANDLER finally gets to his feet and butlers ‘madly brush him off during the following.) (Cuanpisr. (continued) Jon. I'm awf Mrs. Rirrentouse. This is Mr. Parker, a young protege of mine. I've been so anxious for you to meet. Jou. (his hand extended) I'm pleased to meet you. Cutanpier. (brushing off his clothes at the time) A pleasure. Mas. Rirrennouse. Of course, I don't have to tell you about Mr. Chandler. Busy as he is in the f inds ‘time to lend a helping hand to the struggling young artist — st a lover of ho put that there? be interested in Mr. Parker's work. t week —(Her tone has been growing weaker.) Didn't you Joux. Why, no I ANIMAL CRACKERS Mas. RITTENHOUSE, Hives, show Mr. Parker to his room. Hives. Certainly, Madam. (HIVES beckons 10 JOHN to follow him. HIVES and FOOTMEN exit with CHANDLER's “luggage, leaving JOHN to pick up his own luggage and follow him off.) Mas. RirreNnouse. (sitting at rable love because it is bea love everything that is beaut that brings me to my point. You are beautiful. ‘Mas. RiTTENHOUSE. (rises f0 center) Oh, no, Mr. Chandler. Cuanpis. Well, maybe I'm wrong. (Jakes her hand) No, do not take away your hand. (bends over and kisses it) I love you. (ARABELLA enters.) Anazetza. Ob, (Ceranpier. (i hat what Dr. Freud calls “Sex”? Wovston. (enters, making a note) Say, that’s not bad. I think Pi.use that in my column. ‘AnaDELLA. In your Monday column? ‘Winston. No, Monday is special Mas. RirrenHouse. Tell me, what would Arabella have to do to get in the Monday columi Winston. Well, she could make whoopee with some promi- nent person, like me, Mas. RirrenHouse. (walking L.) If there’s anything you're in- terested in, just ask Arabella. You would be surprised how much she knows. ‘Ananeita. (MRS. RITTENHOUSE exits. ARABELLA calls after her.) And so wou! ‘Winston. What about this party? Anything in it for me?6 ANIMAL CRACKERS Araneta. Don't you know? It’s in honor of Captain Spald- ing, he’s just back from Africa. (sits on table) ‘Winston. “Captain Spalding, the African Trail Tramper, is Long Islanding over the Week-end.” Now, all I need is about five more items. Anaseita. Thats terrific, Mr. Winston, the way you can just do that. ‘Winston. Thank you Araseiza. Arabella ‘Winston. Arabella, you can call me Wally. Got any hot tips? | prefer to work fast. ‘Axasetia. You bet, Mr. Winston. “Did cilla Alden was “that way” about Miles Si a hot item? ‘Wixston. Not bad. I know a hot item when I see one. Arazeiia. Thanks, ‘Winston. Your a born tipster, Arabella, Tell me more, I'm all ‘AzagELLA. That’s what I hear. know that Pris- ish? How's that for 9, Finst Boy. Captain Spalding is here. He just drove up. First Gat, Hetsherer@apeatf Spalding. I just saw him. (All ak Yon stage become quiet.) Mas. RirreNnouse. My Friends, Captain Spalding has ar- ved. LORE \ ARLAST WE ARE 10 MEETHIM, THEEAMOUS CAPTAIN SPALDING _- | FROM CLIMATES HOT AND SCAEDING THE CAPTAIN HAS ARRIVED’ MOST HEARTHLY WE*et GREET HIM WITH PLAIN ANBSEANCY CHEERING UNTIL HE'SHARD OF-HEARING | ‘THE,CAPTAIN HAS ARRIVED. AT LAST THE CAPTAIN HAS RIVED. (Enter HIVES.) = aan ‘Hives. Hosatius Jam ing..( This is spoken HIVES exit Tanason. ~ 1 REPRESENT THE CAPTAIN.WHO \wsee ‘ON MYINFORMING YOU in Spald- » Field Secrotafy 18 Cap “Enter JAMISON.) ANIMAL CRACKERS ==", ESE CONDITIONS UNDER WHICH HE COMES) HE IS VERY STRICT OMEN YOUNG AND PICKED" AND AS FOR MEN, N'T WANT ANY.BUMS HERE, Onn. AND AS FOR MEN HE DON'T. THERE MUST BE.NO BUMS ANIMAL CRACKERS | | UMPA, UMPA, UMPA, UMPA / "AE THE CHIEF SAID BY GEE BY GOSH / BY GUMSHELL MARRY ME. / ME.|/ / SO THEY SEARCH FOR HER HERE AND THEY SEARCH FOR HER THERE/ —\ ON ME OH BY Gs SINGING WHE] WHERE Jf CAN OH BY JINGO FOR SHE MARRIED THAT CRQONER \ BY THE NAME OF JOE \, NOW SHE'S TEACHING BO BO BO BO BO FAR AWAY FROM SAN DA DA DA DA DA DADA ‘KID TO SING MUNGO OH BY GEE BY GOSH BY GUM BY JUV OH BY JINGO, WON'T YOU HEARYQUR LOVE | WE WILL BUILD FOR YOU A HUT \. \ YOU WILL BROUR FAVRITE NUT ~ WE'LL HAVE A LOT OF LITTLE OH BY GOLLIES ‘THEN WEILL PUT US IN THE FOLLIES BY JINGO SAID, BY GOSH BY GEE i BY JIMINY PLEASE DON'T BOTHER ME SO JAEY ALL WENT AWAY SINGING BY GOSH BY GUM BY GUV BY JINGO\ GEE YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME | BY GEE YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME BY.GEE YOU'RE THE ONLY GIRLFOR ME ‘SpaupinG. And now, Mrs. Rittenhouse, [have a big surprise for you. (chest brought in by BUTLERS) When | departed from ‘Arica, I was presented wi ‘gift. And that gift, Mrs. Rit- tenhouse, I'm going to give to you at a very low figure. Mas. Rirrennouse. Well, what is it Captain. What is it? Spatbina. It's 2 match box for an elephant. This magnificent chest—(indicating his own chest) No, this magnificent chest— (indicating MRS. RITTENHOUSE'S chest) No, this magniti- cent chest— (indicating gift) L was probably right the first This magnificent chest, which has been handed down from Zulu to Zulu for eight hundred gener among the treasures of your beaut ANIMAL CRACKERS “9 acter, ae i of ae et /ALDING, On track twenty-five. No trains will be sold after sno Sa co Ma Rirraxmouse. “After the Hunt.” (HIVES pulls the veil Sloe Ni i Thsatrna ke on a a ty ate en “as a, wpa jurious, this news will fee Wiretap axp Grace. I wonder how the crime was done and who could be-the guilty one. ‘Ciionus. Wed like to know the guilty one. Sratpive, Maybe I did ‘Au. You! , Jauason. No! The Captain is a moral man, he wouldn't stoop to crooking ‘Seatoive, This fact I emphasize with stress, I never steal a thing unless nobody's looking. ‘Ones. The Captain is a very moral man. Sonn, My star's descended, there goes my career. My hopes are ended, my dear ‘Many. Welll survive long as we feel romantic. Cuonus, Love will thrive as long as you feel romantic. Other folks crumble when they're feeling blue. "Tom & Many. But its easy to feel romantic with you.” «ANIMAL CRACKERS SraupiNc. It’s about time I took a hand in this little affair. Jamison, are the doors locked? Taason. Yes, sir. Spatpnva. Nobody can get in of out? throw a little light on this subject. (Black- from ALL.) ‘Au. The lights. What happened to the lights? Where are the lights? Lights. (Lights up. The Beaugard is missing.) ‘Cutaxptzn. (seeing the statue gone) Look! That one is gone, too. (shots off stage) The crooks! They are escaping. Come with (ALL exit. The lid of the chest slowly opens. The PROFESSOR ‘emerges. He take three statues out of the chest. He tries s, cannot. He has an idea, He puts the statues in the chest, pulls out a rope from his coat, ‘attaches it 10 the chest and tries to pull it off. He can’t, Just then a girl enters. The PROFESSOR's face lights up. He grabs the sir and throws her into chest, climbing after CURTAIN 1.) sero peetd.| ee So he a Oe Coro VES aed a Hives. Good morning, Mas. Witrexeap, Good morning, my eye. Where have you Mas. Wurreneap. Good. Hives. Monsieur Doucet keeps screaming for the police. Gusts. Good, Hives. Mr. Chandler is terribly upset about something he read in this morning’s paper. Mas. WitTexEAD & Grace. Good. Hives. And nobody has their orange juice yet. But to top it all off. . . CHIVES imitates s ‘Mas, Wanreneap. The statue? Guests. Which one? Hives. Somebody stole the Beaugard from my room. Mas. Wurresteap. Good God. Hives. And then when the lights went out, someon over the head and stole Miss Grace's imitation. ‘Ms, WarTeneap. Good God. Then you didn’ ” WHITEHEAD. Hives, I feel better all ready. [know exactly what to do, Guests. (exiting) Haver Mas. WarTeHEaD. (exiting ispositions? we a couple of nas we though. ith GRACE) Haver+ to buy you a 2 ANIMAL CRACKERS (WINSTON gay and debonair and dressed in bright sports clothes enters whistting. He owns the world. He notices the 1g Traffic"? legram for you, sir. (handing tering, sees ARABELLA. That's it. Squander your money on Butlers—while I stand over a hot stove. Winston. Baby you can throw away the hot stove—I'm going laire. Drop your mascara on this. (handing (reading a phrase) “Your brilliant work in un- ty dollar raise. (glancing at telegram) A fifty dollar raise. Let me very week? Yes. Why you are practically Mrs. ARABELLA. Winston. ARanetta. I got some bad news for you. Beautiful society tabloid dirt disher. ‘ARABELLA. Then we're both Hives. A telegram, si telegram, Ananela. Wall 1e same boat. (They kiss. (WINSTON does not notice hit a telegram. ANIMAL CRACKERS 33 Hives, A telegram for you, sir. (handing it over) ‘ARABELLA. Another raise. ‘Winston. It wouldn't surprise me. (hands HIVES a bill) Here you are, Hives. Go out and buy yourself some more laughing. soup. Haves. Thank you very much, sir. (exis) Wavstos ‘bunches, thing the matter sir? Winstow. (puts torn telegram on HIVE’s salver) Is anything Haves. (begins to laugh) Fired. ‘ARABELLA. Hives, that’s not funny. Haves. (laughing) Canned. ARABELLA. Hives. ARABELLA. (calling afte Winstow, Well, Arabell tenhouse party. ‘ARABELLA. Can you imagine that bimbo Chandler turning out to own the paper? I'm afraid this may be my last Rit-54 ANIMAL CRACKERS Winston. Well, ‘miss all this. And ‘ARABELLA. Wally. ge NiNsTON: Trafic tipster bids farewell to Long Island Low- ‘ARABELEA, I just a bunch of ‘cover charge. ‘WinsTow. It's more than that, Arabella, take a tip from me. i ‘LONG ISLAND LOWDOWN) not surprised. Just the same, I sure will I think you're terrific. What is society anyhow, }-brows hobnobbing at a speakeasy with no N.YOU ARE INVITED OUT AMONG THE WHO IS \ WHOS, OULL REAR THE BAND BEGIN TO PLAY A MELODY IE; x NOU’LL see ‘THEM Do A DANCE ; pnp YOU MUST LEARN IT TO BE IN THESWIM [THEN EY’RY ONE DANCES TILL f |THE SUN COMES PEEPING THROUGH AND STARS GROW DIM. Haenstcoty FOLLOW THE STYLE AND DO THE LONG ISLAND LOW DOWN, LOW DOWN. TAKE OFF YOUR SPATS AND THROWN YOUR HIGH HATS AWAY fo LEARN HOW TO TAP YOUX HIP WHILE YOU SLAP senor DOWN, TOE DOWN. COME FROM BELOW GET IN TO THE SOCIAL SWAY. YOU SHOULD SEE THE FEET START TO FLY WHEN ALL THE HIGH BROWS GET HOT. THAT UPPER CRUST KICKS UR A DUST AND HOW FOLLOW THESTYLE \ AND DO THE LONG ISLAND LO' ee Low DOWN. EOPLE BAGH UP \ RE DOING THE LOW DOWN NOW. Cups. VHEN YOU ARE INVITED OUT AMONG THE WHO Ig) | YOU'LL HEAR THE BAND BEGIN TO PLAY A MELODY BLUE a a ANIMAL. CRACKEE 35 YOU'LL SEE THEM DO A‘DANCI AND YOU MUST LEARN IT TO BE IN THE SWIM, ‘THEN.EV'RYONE DANCES TILL THE-SUN COMES PEEPING THROU AND STARS GROW DIM. Watty. FOLLOW THE STYDE, AND DO THE LONG ISLANB‘TOW DOWN, LOW DOWN. ‘TAKE OFF YOUR SPATSAND THROW YOUR HIGH HATS AWAY. LEARN HOW TOTAP YOUR HIP. WHILE YOUSTAP YOUR TOE DOWN, TOE DOWN. “FOLLOW THE STYLE AND DO THE LONG ISLAND LOW DOWN, LOW DOWN. PEOPLE HIGH UP ARE <_ROING THE Low pow. Now. ____ (MRS. RITTENHOUSE enters. WINSTON, ARABELLA and CHORUS exit. JAMISON enters.) ‘Mas. Rirresnouse. Good morning, Mr. Jamison. And how is Captain Spalding this morning? “Jaurson, Oh, he had a very bad night. We wen riding in the middle of the night. ‘Mas. RITTENHOUSE. I'm So Sorry. But of course we've all been. pretty well upset. se-back (CAPTAIN SPALDING enters. He is wearing a riding costume. ‘He begins looking around the room for something he has obviously lost.) Mas. Rirrennouse. (continued) Good morning, Captain Spalding. Did you enjoy your ride? What in the world are you looking for? ‘SPALDING. I lost my horse. He sti tween me. ‘Mas. Ritrennouse. Oh, that’s too bad, Captain Spalding. But don't worry— ‘SPALDING. Don't worry? I suppose you could go horse-back, riding without a horse. I even lost the bit you loaned me. ped right out from be-56 ‘SpaLDiNG. You mean the dinner you served? Mas. Rirreynouse. No, no—I mean the statue that was ye, Mrs. Rirrenuouse. The police? Have them come in when they arrive. (HIVES bows and exits.) Rrrrennouse. But Captain— 6. No, no you can talk chair right of table. Takes out note-book and pencil. MRS, RITTENHOUSE stands il show you a mn, Capt ANIMAL CRACKERS 37 fifth inst. yours to hand iary expenditures of cal year—brackets—this problematic and with nulification will give us a sub- Eidiary indictment and priority. Quotes, unquotes, and quotes. Hoping this finds you, ahem, I beg to Fe that “ahem” in the letter? read what you have Jamison. “Taunson. (reading) Hon. Charles D. Hungerdunger, . - ‘Srarowo. Hunga dunga. Bors. Hunga. . . . Hunga ‘Hungerdunger. ingerdunger-Hungerdunger and McCor- ‘one over on me, didn't you, ‘a windshield wiper instead. jpers and one Hungerdunger. main one. Thought you could ch? Alright, leave it out and the dip- ifth, inst . . . Now you hink were important, 50 1 just omitted them. . You just omitted them, eh? ITTENHOUSE. Oh Captain. Good Graci the body of th 1 body will follow. Closely followed by yours. ‘Taso. Want the body in brackets? ‘Spapina. No, itl never get there in brackets. Put it in a box, ‘Spanprvo. Marl Look under Fragile. Jawison. (reading) Quotes, unquotes and quotes.38 ANIMAL CRACKERS ‘SPALDING. That's three quotes? Tamison. Yes, sir, Spatpinc. Add ancther quote and make it a gallon. How much is a gallon? “Jamison. (reading) Regards. “Bpatou, Jamis thatoa epi. Tha’ fine. That's going to fiat dandy later. tarsal Youmay go, funson seo ye (Two POLICEMEN enter.) First Poticeman. Mrs. Rittenhouse? Mas, RITTENHOUSE. Yes? First Pouiceaan. I'm Sargeant Hennessey from Headquar- ters. Mas. Ritrennouse. How do you do? SPALDING. Let me introduce myself. I'm Captain Scotland of Spalding yard. Mas. Rirrewnouss. Mr. Jamison, please show these men to the scene of the crime. _auison. Certainly, Mrs. Ritenhouse, Right this way, gen- ‘lemen. ‘SPALDING. Jamison! Count the spoons. (JAMISON and two POLICEMEN exit.) Mas. Ritrennouse. Oh, Captain, I didn't know you were a detective too. ‘SPALDING. There's a lot you don’t know. Mrs. RitteNuouse. I suppose that is so. ‘Spatpino. You're darn right it's so. Where were you on the night of June Sth, 1774? Mas. Rirrewnous. I'm afraid I don't know Sravpinc. Why should you? Where was I? Mas. Rirtennouse. How should I know? Spatpinc. How should you know? If I did, why should I tell you? Take a number from one to ten. ‘Mas, Rirtexxouse, All right, Sratpinc. Alright, what’s the number. Mrs. Rirrextioust. Seven, SPALDING. That's right. Seven is right. I could have done it with one hand if 1 -vanted to. Some mystery, hub! I could solve in five minutes if I wanted to worry. Mas. Rirtexxousé. Captain, please don't worry. I don't want anything to interfere with your week-end. ANIMAL CRACKERS 9 Sraxpino. Nothing ever interferes with my week-end and I' thank you not to get personal, Mrs. Rittenrotten. Mrs. RITTENHOUSE. Oh, please, Captain, you misunderstand, me... Idon’t mean it that way . ‘SpALDING. A more dastardly crack I've never heard. Mas. Rirrennouss. Oh, Captain. SparpiNo. I wish I were back in the jungle where men are monkeys Mas. Rirrennouse. Captain, I'm so sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. SPALDING. NO...0...0.- no 4 ROSE I'LL SHOW YOU A GIRL WHO CARES SHOW ME ROSE OR LEAVE ME ALONE SHOW ME A\ROSE I'LL SHOW YOU A STAG AT BAY SHOW ME A\ROSE OR LEAVE ME ALONE. ‘SHE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THE TANGO, DOWN WHERE THE PALM TREES SWAY. 1 CALLED HER SPADE A SPADE. STORM AT SEA | E ALONE. | Adow ME A ROSE OR LEAVE ME ADDNE. SHOW ME A ROSE A FRAGRANT ROSE. RAY ME BELIBVE THAT YOU DONT KNOW. UNTIL Y. (enter MRS. WHITEHEAD.) Mas, WurrexeAp. I beg your pardon, am I intruding?60 ANIMAL CRACKERS ‘Srarpiva. What a question. Are you intruding? I should say you are. Just when I had her on the five yard line. I should say you are intruding. Pardon me I was using the subjunctive in- stead of the past tense. Yes, we're way past tents. We bungalows now. This is a mechanical age of course. Mas. Rirrenniouse. Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met Cap- tain Spalding, have you? We haven't seen much Lam afraid you're be- ing just ot MRS, WHITE- x. And how are Mas, Witrrentzap. Fine, thank you. And how ate you? Si |. And how are you? That leaves you one up. Did anyone ever tell you you had beautiful eyes? Oh yes you have. (1o MRS. RITTENHOUSE) And so've yo think Pve ever seen four more beautiful eyes in my life—three anyway. You know you two women have everything. You're tall ani m and stout and blonde and brunette—and that’s crave. We three would make an ideal cou- 've got beauty, charm, money~you do have money, javen't you? Be ‘you haven't we can quit right now. My used to be. Ab, (00 MRS. RITTENHOUSE) The Captain isn't he? de, (He serikes a frozen pose.) Why You couple of baboons = what makes fou tik Td ars ether oe Of you. How strange the wind blows tony ncery Yoice, Reminds me of poor old Marsden. How happy Teotla be her of them if both of what do you sa, gts Mrs. Rirrewmouse, But Cap hone of us? Seatome Both of you. Lets al et mar (ite strikes @ pose.) ANIMAL CRACKERS 6 ‘me—they steal it. The Gods look down and laugh. This would be a better world for children if the parents had to eat the spinach, (zo women) Well, what do you say—are we all going to ‘get married? Mas, WitTEHEAD. All of us? SPALDING. All of us. 's big of ail of us. nventional mar- ugh for your your grandmother — Just think of jothet woman, Spatpmsc. Yes—and Let's be big for a change. riages. One woman and one man was good et grandmother—but who wants rr nobody—not even your gi the honeymoon strictly priv jn on this, Well, maybe one or two—but nyse Rs. RITTENHOUSE, Are you suggesting Companionate Mar- esepcoawo, Wel it's got ifs advantages. You cold ive with your folks ana Your folks. (10 MRS. WHITE. TiEAD) And you could sel Fuller brshes. (Pose; music under.) ‘ring with yout Tolks~the beginning of the end—drab dead yotcrays st he eaulful tomorrows hideous Rambling footsteps—ereaking along the fime-—time--time. You may not believe ity b er ries for this st. Lets sce wrere about to get married, Well what do You d think we ought to get married? (AI start toward entrance. Mas. Rerrewsouse. [think marcage isa very noble in tion, Mins, WanreseAD, (Music. Two BUTLERS enter, strike North and South tables ‘and chairs exit. As DOUCET enters and POLICE enter.) Doucer. Allez, allez. We have searched this room. The statue is not here. Follow me Allons. SpatpmNc. T guess it’s time to follow the pl RITTENHOUSE and MRS. WHITEHEAD split.) No, Vl fol- ow you instead. No you. (10 DOUCET) No you. Not you?e ANIMAL CRACKERS (Two POLICE exit as DOUCET exits. They stop. One POLICE. MAN crosses after one BUTLER and one POLICEMAN crosses. after one BUTLER.) Doucet. No, no, no nin com poops, this way. (DOUCET ‘crosses as GIRL enters screaming, followed by PROFESSOR.) Doucer. Sacre Bleu! (DOUCET exits. GIRL crosses North. ‘SPALDING tags PROFESSOR.) Sratpive. Now you're it. (RAVELLI enters. SPALDING ‘crosses North after GIRL. CHANDLER enters. PROFESSOR tags CHANDLER. ‘Cuanpien. Why, it’s you two crooks. (PROFESSOR tags RAVELLI, RAVELLI tags him back. PROFESSOR runs to CHANDLER. RAVELLI sees CHANDLER tags him. CHAND- LER goes for RAVELLI then PROFESSOR. RAVELLI runs, PROFESSOR runs.) Paoresson/RAVELU. Abie the fish man, Abie the fish man. (PROFESSOR and RAVELLI exit. Two BUTLERS cross 10 East and West tables and chairs. Two POLICEMEN follow ‘BUTLERS as DOUCET enters.) Dovcer. Allez, allez, follow moi. (GHANDEERnrI=t0 | ‘Seg PAL toner terns C}WINSTON and ARABELLA taf and exit, CHANDEER Yok Tows-TREM~Off. POLICE and DOUCET exit. BUTLERS strike tables and chairs. Stage is clear. Trunk comes up on elevator. PROFESSOR creeps up pit steps. PROFESSOR ty opens the chest. Out comes the GIRL whom he | hhas secreted the night before. Now, however, she is wearing 4 negligee. She stamps her foot in vexation and exits, PRO- FESSOR decides 10 hide statue under step ramps. MRS. WHITEHEAD enters with GRACE, observing FESSOR checks chest for third statue, sees HEAD and GRACE. Clases chest and sits on Il engage him in conversation. You two )FESSOR) Hello. (leg business) Don’t do iat I want~(Business. Both sit on chair. ‘OFESSOR places the statues under him.) Don't you like me? ANIMAL CRACKERS ing her arm. HIVES (Business with kissing hand and breoking bs ters with bottle of chloroform; business with bottle mocks out the PROFESSOR, MRS. WHITEHEAD and HIVES retrieve two statues and exit. MARY enters, sees PROFESSOR asleep on ches, crodling chloroform bottle.) Professor! (Sleepily, he proffers the ‘up.) Professor, Mary. Profess bottle.) Professor, wake up. «want tot lant to thank you for everything 8 all over nov, The joke is over—I want you to put the statue back. (JOHN toward the chest. Remembers, before he gets 0 it, that the sta- ‘bine: Havent you gt ther (Fe4 ANIMAL CRACKERS " Mant. Thank Godt (They both ook atthe statue as JOHN uncovers it JouN. Mary! Look! Magy. What's the matter? Joun. This isn’t mine~and it isn’t the Beaugard either. Mary. A third one? I don’t understand, Joun. (thoughtfully looking at the statue) Wait somebody else had the same brilliant n you see? inute— ion that you did—don’t Many. All I know is—that the musicians took the Beaugard and put yours in its place. : ‘Jou. And then somebody stole mine thinking it was the Beaugard. And this is what they left us. Say, they certainly got the better of the bargain, all right. This is pretty awful. I know T'm better than this anyhow. ‘Many. Better than this? Why, you're better than B Jon. 1 know dear. Many. (Aisses him, gently) know. This gives us new gently courage. ‘Jou. But it docat give us the Beaugard. Dor't forget we've 20t a couple of clouds hanging over us. Many. Let ‘em hang! They ean’t rain on our party. 7 WATCHING THE CLOUDS? ugard. Y I COULDN'T TELL W: \LKEPT MY EYES ON |THE HORIZON, BUT 01 \NOTHING COULD M | TO CARE, fe THEM, NOBODY SEEMED AND HAPPINESS CREPT IN ND EVERYTHING CHANGED IN ONE DAY Now ye i ‘AND I fANCLEAR THE SKY Cronus, LOOKING FOR THE SUN. ___. TWO LOVING HEARTS ARE BETTER THAN ONE ANIMAL CRACKERS 65 CARE! a WHETHERYT'S WINTER, WHETHER IT'S SPRING NN OES IT MATTER, WHAT DO WE Coxe ‘Many. (as number ends) Quick, your room. Tl try and find Captain Spalding. 1 know he wil help. (SPALDING pops up through trap.) ‘SpatpiNo. Did someone say Spalding? I couldn't help over- hearing, and I must say I find your predicament very inter ‘Well—fairly interesting, anyhow. But don’t worry, litle gi buy your flowers. No~it was a statue, wasn't it? Many. But Captain, I feel so guilty. If it hadn't been for me, maybe the statue would never have been stolen. ‘Spatprva. Now, don't worry everything's going to be alright. Tet me work on this case for twenty-four hours and then welll call in somebody else. You think it’s a mystery now—wait till you see it tomorrow. Remember the Charley Ross disap- pearance? I worked on that for twenty-four hours and they never did find him. They couldn't find me for five years. ‘FoHN. Say, you know if we could find the person that sculpted this we'd have a pretty good clue. ‘SPALDING. Let’s see it. Ah, ah, it’s signed, Beaugard. There’s the criminal, Beaugard. oun. No Beaugard is dead. Sparpwvo. Beaugard is dead? Then its murder. (Enter RAVELLI) Now, we've got something. Ravetts. What have you got? ‘Sratpivo. I've got Jacks and Eights. What’ve you got? Ravetti, Good! I was bluffing. SPatDING. (has been regarding the statue) Look at this—isn't there something that strikes you very funny about this? Raver. (laughing heartily) That’sa funny. SpaLDrNo, Come, come—it’s not as funny as that. Do you66 ANIMAL CRACKERS ‘know wit ths is? This isa left-handed sculpture. Here, John, take this and hide it where no man has ever set foot . . . try Mrs. house's bedroom. (JOHN and MARY exit. SPALDING left handed seulp- 10 dois find the © got the motive. Now what of the guys that swiped the Beaugard? Rave. (afier considerable thought) 1 got it. Robbery. Seatpina. You know, sometimes 1 think it would have been Ravettt. Hey, Cap, it come to me like a flash. This statue wasn't stolen, This statue it disappear. What make this statue y disappear? Moths. Moths eat it. Left handed moths. mortis sets Seapine. Say, Til how we can get this statue. We'll 80 to court and well get a writ of habeas corpus. of what? 1 walked right into that one. Habeas corpus. ‘you ever see a Ravens. No, but I see “Habee’s SPALDING. (referring to audience) Be caref armed. think they're (RAVELLI and SPALDING pull out guns on audience as elevator takes them down. Enter DOUCET, excitedly, fol- lowed by HIVES, POLICEMEN with JOHN in custody, MARY follows. JOHN is carrying the statue.) madame. ANIMAL CRACKERS a Haves. In Mr. Parker Ms. RITTENHOUSE. room, madam . ning to HOHNY Me ark? Mas RE Cohakes stanue under JOHNS nose) We find thsi tation in ‘your room. What have you done with my Bee ga rd? peak: What have you done with it ing I can say. 1 didi - Where is my Beaugard? Mas, RITTENHOU: Jou. I have nothing to say, except that fo, Mary if you think arrest me ore. No, Many tt Jouwe tum both of you over 10 the police [OME” is being sung off-stage. the last notes on (ISON, RAVELLI (Song “OLD KENTUCK' ‘Just before the end of ‘Stage, there enters SI JAI ier eke ALL ere in bathing sis, There a nang arms about each others Skou- ders.) rogram is bring broadcast through the cou ne reck tarium. (The PROFESSOR wearing Somes from behind some of the {pside down or Tim stand ovhat are we going to do? They're going to ar- rest us~they found the sculpture in John's room. s going to arrest you? sss. P'm sorry to say that ‘boveer. 1 deman aanoien y al mean—or pho wil pats the She ht Surprised at you, Mi« ANIMAL CRACKERS Chandler. You wouldn't eat green apples, would you. Not if you had my stomach you woul statue be returned this mi they be placed under arrest. Do the police be called. This instant! I demand, that they be put in demand—(The PROFESSOR, who has been sneaking up behind DOUCET, has poured liquid into spray pump and sprays in DOUCET’ face. Growing weaker, DOUCET continues.) | demand that they be arrested. Mas. Rirrexnouse. Why, Mas. Wanreneap. He's f fallen form. As they do so, the PROFESSOR applies the hand- ‘erchief to CHANDLER, and he topples over.) Mas. RrrteNHouse. Good heavens! Now Mr. Chandler has fainted! Mas. Wurreitea. Whi Gaace. It must be U Spatvina. (By way of helping the PROFESSOR, indicates MRS. WHITEHEAD as the next victim.) That one there. (She ‘topples over.) I never did like her Ravetut. Give me some. I help. (The PROFESSOR passes on to GRACE; puts her out, Then administers to the various BOYS and GIRLS who are ‘crowding around. As the last one topples over, he waves 10 JOHN and MARY, id make their 7, th bodies, left are SPALDING, JAMISON, RAVELLI and the Seatpive. We will now attempt to sawv a woman in half Famisox. Gvho has been li body’s coming. Ravettt, The police. (Now the PROFESSOR sprays JAMI- SON, RAVELLI and SPALDING. “Each of them falls in pro- test.) SPALDING, (as he falls) Oh, so young, so, young. (PROFESSOR sprays himself and curls up with the statue. Cg re \ eo ANIMAL CRACKERS HIVES enters, studies the array of bodies, then solemnly ‘announces: Hives, Dinner is served. father around the elevator isesafyi "PROFESSOR and his ‘and PROFESSOR dances a pas hharp. The guest deux with-#hé HA hhavinif come to life. = Nee cons: The garden, that night. A french sorden of the period Sere Lou KV. BALLET: After the Ballet, HIVES, the Shor Domo, enters.) i fajesty, The Queen. Hives. Monsicurs et Madames, Her Majesty, Th (MRS. RITTENHOUSE enters escorted by four ladies-in- IN enters dresed as a Musketeer. Other atendanis ca iacand tend a ateton. SPALDING enterses the Ki Exit HIVES.) SeasoiNo, Is his the palace? ratoon Yes site Spauoiee.Talvays wanted to play the Palace. the kine? Sasow. Yes | Spain. Well Branoe is And f'm a hell of a fix. (Attendants exit oe _ve ) de GIRL the headpiece, of the harp70 ANIMAL CRACKERS through screen = throug doors—SPALDING stands watching after to your 1onor. Mr. Jean Beaug afer Sn Me Jean Beaugard wil present ber Royal Hig SPALDING. You give the Queen my Sra. Youle th compliments and tell her to lay of the razr lads. Shell understand, (Exit JAMISON. Spamivc. What's up? Ravetti. Madame DuBarry is downstairs. Seatpine. DuBarry is downs i In a taxi : the meter running? Where's her husband? a jere’s her husband? ? You ke her out of hare and theresa ak Jaxason. Yes, Sire (There i @ knock ‘Spatpina. Filet mignon. inter MRS WHT eae aa janon. (Enter MRS. WHITEHEAD as Du- ns, Wutreutap. (after a stately cu Hits. Wargo, afer este curse) You Maley. Mas. Warn ire, cat TEHEAD. Sire, I fear for me to come here is indis- ‘SPALDING. Nonsense. You'd be i the street sooner ork at French dressing, (7h drink? aed ANIMAL CRACKERS n ‘Mas. Warreneap. If your Majesty wishes. ‘Srarpexa. Your damn-tootin’ his Majesty wishes. Why do you think I got you up here for? To show you my magic lantern? Well, well side over that. By the way, may I call you Dudu? Mas. WHITEHEAD. As you will rd. SPALDING. (Business of SPALDING rubbing a log of the table, as JAMISON enters with champagne.) Well, pout your- Self a good stiff shot, Du—and don’t forget your old Louis. (There is a knock at the door.) ‘Senupma. We're raided. Tell them you're the engineer. (RA- VELLI and PROFESSOR enter. They are dressed as muske- teers.) Who goes there— friend or foe? 'RAVELLL. One of each. Spawprve. Just as J Jat, a pair of french heels. Advance \(The PROFESSOR embraces the JING at the same time taking a bottle of champagne from the table. The PROFESSOR and RAVELLI start to exit.) That was fa swell bottle of wine we almost had. ‘Mas, WatreHeaD. What does it mat other, haven't we? ‘Seuupmo, Well you have me there—and I have you here. And that reminds me—Call me Louis, not because its me, just be- Guuse T want you to call me Louis. (He starts to embrace her. RAVELLI enters sandwich in his hand.) ‘Ravetts. Got any mustard, Louis? sire? We have each ‘ue and Forty-second street. (RAVELLI “Taxi”.) Well let's see where were we? son DuBarry’s lap.) Well that’s in enters and exits, followed by PRO- table .) Say ty bottle. ‘and exchanges an empty bottle for a full one; starts t0 fast a minute—you've got a nickel coming for the emp (PROFESSOR exits.) Nice WarreweaD, Your Majesty has but to coramand, sire— the King can do no wrong. Sparmina, You bet I can’t, Not with all these interrupt cant, (They both sit on couch.) Ab, it's good to be alone. Thi carvfine to be good, though. Anyhow, we're alone. (RA VELLI enters.) My mistake. Ravettt. Hey, I can’t find the mustard.2 ANIMAL CRACKERS yeSgMDNO. You dont thnk Ym tying to hide from you, do Ravects. My partner. Maybe he's got ‘Sraupmne. He’s due along here an} te now. i the hour and half hour. ns _ ree oie ——— or git i. tance enorgssoR aE gent Rom ee 312 esis ea ea look hard enough. (SPALD- sn RAVELLI and PROFES- it? You're going to outnumber k DuBarry is? You boys bet- ter zead up on your history. ‘VELL. You read history, we make it. SPaLpino. You’ the King’s Musketeer’s aren't you? bout face. (DuBarry is trying tise.) ong’ RavELLL Oh, you not leave! (They ait start toward her to pull her back, SPALDING there first and tokes her cope. RAVELLI pulls off part of her dress the PROFESSOR takes the rest of SH sande ty melee ‘s JAMISON entre JAMISON enters x ued. Jauason. The Queen! Spanpevc. Present arms! (SPALDING, with DuBarry’s cape in his hands, turns it quickly inside out and throws it over his shoulders. On its reverse side it is the same color as the capes worn by the miske- teers—Someone from the orchestra tosses him a hat similar tase worn by the others, instantly the four men fall into ling stand af atenton. In appearance they ae four musk nursts in, sees DuBarry, who immedi- tes. The QUE ‘Barry, who immedi ANIMAL CRACKERS B Mas. RITTENHOUSE. May I inguire what has been going on 2 Lasked you where is the King? imped him. Mrs. Rirrennouss. Who may I ask are you? es io até NOMBER: FOUR OF THREE MUSKETEERS.) \ WE! | — RE FOUR OW THE THREE MUSKETEERS | WE'VE BEEN ER FOR YEARS EENIE, MEENIE, MINEE, (HONK) } FOUR OF THE THREE MUSKETEERS WE LIVE BY THE SWORD, BY THE SEA, BY THE WAY, AND WE FIGHT DAY AND NIGHT AND WE SLEEP AND DAY. MY COUNTRY TIS OR THEE. LAND OF THE LIGHT\ WINES AND BEERS / WE'RE CHEERED FROM DES MOINES TO ALGIERS“ EACH TIME OUR MOTO APPEARS a ITS ONE FOR ALL AND TWO FOR FIVE WE'RE FOUR OF THE THREE MUSKETEE) WHEN THE QUEEN NEEDS REC! AND SHE STROLLS ALONG THE P/ WHERE ARE WE? RIGHT BY HER SIDEt f WHEN SHE'S FILLED WITH JUBILATION OR CONSUMED WITH RAGFIME WRATH WHERE ARE WE / RIGHT BY HER SIDE_,“ WE'VE SWORN THAT WE'D SHI WE'RE HER GUARDSMEN, TRUE\AND TRIED, WHEN SHE GETS UP IN THE MORNING \ ‘AND SHE SLIES INTO HER BATH | WHERE ARE WE? FAR FROM THE OLD FOLKS AT HO! WE'RE FOUR OF THE THREE MUSKETEERS WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR YEARS. IT’S ONE FOR ALL AND TWO FOR WE'RE FOUR OF THE THREE MUSKETEE]4 ANIMAL CRACKERS (As mumber ends, enter HIVES in “Wig”.) afiv2s; (ith hidden glee) Monsieur at Madame Beaugard ave arrived. (JOHN enters carrying ast HIVES, MARY. &, MARY with him. They push HIVES’ wig, puts it on JOHN who kneels before MRS. RITTENHOUSE. Two POLICE- MEN and DOUCET enter, push past HIVES.) Dovcer. Arrest the man! I demand that you . . .(POLICE- ‘MEN move to JOHN.) | edge of vindication) Your majesty, as a humble representative of the artists of France, each of whom is privileged to call you *g that you will accept this, my latest ef- | Mas. RirreNnouss. Why this— Monsieur Doucet—the BEAUGARD! (Excitement and ex. | clamations—“What?” | Dovcer. Arrest ther (General commotion. Enter SPALDING with statue, RA- VELLI and JAMISON with third statue.) Is this a trick? It certainly is. And a darn good one, too. We will now continue with sawing a woman in half. RAVELLI. Mrs. Rittenhouse. is mean? tell you (pointing John. (DOUCET and CHANDLER examine both.) Doucet. What? MonDieu, Cianpiex. Why young man you are a great sculptor. OHN) Then where did you get the Beaugard? ANIMAL CRACKERS 15 ‘Arrest him! (Bit with POLICE and PROFESSOR. They grab his coat and he rns Out of) Toa Note tun nthe room afar fo PRO. Fe SRORESSOR grabs nig from JOFIN, points 1 FESSOR PROIVES. Al cxclaim *HIVES.” HIVES bows as D MROMESSOR rans 10 GRACE, whistling and Ce SSRACE who stands applying istck with her et ed sculptor. the ibe. (JAMISON enters.) ibibo, big men read fan, you are hired again at a big salary— as for you my boy~your next Make ft worke Means Youre wonderful eee now treads a) Generar sos a NALES ACT 2 ae "Rephsg of HOORA Y FOR CAPTAIN SPALDING SPALDING. N eo | DID SOME ONE CARL ME: BLOW HARD! HOORAY, HOORAY, HOORAY Fen CLIMATES HOT AND SCALDING HE CAME AND*SAVED OUR PARTY WE RAISE OUR VOICES HEARTY TOSING HOORAY, HOORAY,16 ANIMAL CRACKERS PROP LIST REPTERHOUSE , ACT ONE, Scene 1 ENDED OUR ANXIETY——_, iers)—w/handles AND. 1ee)—1 pe—small, black IR HIGH SOC FROM SHAMELESS IMPROPRIETY \WITH FORTITUDEAONBENDING {HE'S BROUGHTA HAPPY ENDING [HE'S SHOWNAGAIN THAT HE'S OUR MAN Doucet’s statue crate (Thole, Ishee) Grace's luggage (Caleb) —1 pe—round, ove Pocket watch w/fob (Spalding) (10) watches (Professor)—on velcro strip Fez/beard (Professor) —attached w/elastic | Guin (Professor) western ty pistol Birthmark (Chandler) —red contact paper |. Paper money (Chandler) $500 | Rubber check (Chandler) $5000 check pare | Rubber check (Professor) magic part w/mortte Camera bag w/‘las Mary's suitease (Hi Notebook w/pe @) Clothes brushes ( Contract (Spalding)