50 Ways to Annoy Arthur

Ask him to pout for you.

Tell him he has won the award for "Prince of the month".

Whenever you see him pouting or posing, say – "Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's
Maybelline."

Stick a piece of paper on his shirt – "Prince Prat."

Stick a sign on his door – "Do not disturb: Merlin and Arthur are making out."

Tell Arthur that Uther knows. Refuse to elaborate.

Ask him to pose for you wearing nothing but his leather boots.

When talking to him, finish every single sentence with "my liege".

When he is talking to Merlin, go up to them and interject – "...did Merlin tell you
how impressed he is with your long, firm sword, Arthur?"

Tell Morgana that Arthur isn't as "big" as he'd have you think he is.

For added effect, after no.10, add "...just ask Merlin."

Shake your head at Arthur in a disappointed fashion and say "Lancelot told me he
only rated you a 3 out of 10 for kissing..."

Tell Arthur that to become King he has to run naked through the castle.

Compliment Lancelot whenever Arthur is within earshot.

Compile a long list of slashy things that Arthur has said to Merlin. Give it to
Arthur, Merlin, Uther, Gaius, Morgana, Gwen...

Comment on how close Uther and Morgana are, and smile, "She might be your new
mommy!"

Send around a piece of paper with "Sign if you think Lancelot is hotter than
Arthur."

No.17 and trick Uther into signing it then show it to Arthur.

Ask him if he gets turned on when Merlin dresses him.

Ask him if he likes being the "dominant one" in his relationship with Merlin.

Quote his lines back at him in an exaggerated melodramatic fashion – "There's

something about you, Merlin, I can't quite put my finger on it..."

Whenever he and Merlin are acting really slashy around each other. Jump out, and
squeal – "THAT'S SO ADORABLE! Arthur, do that cute smile thing you did! Merlin,
kiss him you nonce!" Throw a hissy fit that they dance around each other but never
act on it.

Ask Arthur if he has his own fashion brand – "Royalty, at Next"

Comment on the fact that the first time Arthur and Merlin met, they got physical.

Inscribe the word "dunce" onto his crown.

Write "Merlin was here" on the inside of every pair of pants that Arthur owns.

Ask Arthur how he punishes Merlin for doing things wrong.

Tell Merlin that Arthur wants to punish him with whips and handcuffs.

Ask Uther if there are any whips or handcuffs in the castle. When he asks why you
want to know, raise your eyebrows suggestively, and say, "Arthur wanted to know.
He's really getting quite close to Merlin..."

Sigh dreamily. When someone asks you if you're okay, say in the same dreamy way –
"the prince and the servant boy...isn't it romantic?"

Ask Arthur if he gave Merlin those neckerchiefs to cover up huge hickeys that were
on Merlin's pale neck.

Ask Arthur if he has ever heard of "Mpreg". Tell Merlin beforehand to clutch his
stomach and smile down at it on your cue. Watch Arthur's reaction!

Tell Arthur that every time he thinks a dirty thought about Merlin, a puppy dies.

Do no.33 then have Merlin drop innuendos into the conversation, but maintaining his
innocent expression.

Do no.33 then have Merlin getting so hot and sweaty mucking out the stables that he
takes his shirt off.

Tell him armour's looking a bit dull.

No. 36, but add things like "Lancelot has great hair don't you think?"

Ask Arthur if he was jealous of Merlin's friendship with Will, and the way Merlin
stroked Will's hair when he was dying

Ask Arthur if he can "keep the magic secret."

Stick a sign on Arthur's back – "Owned by Merlin" and one on Merlin's back –
"Arthur's bitch" or alternatively "Owned by Arthur".

Sing "Merlin and Arthur, sitting in a tree, G! Begins with a B, ends in an X! Oh my

God, they're having Buttsex!" Repeat constantly.

Get Merlin to enter the Royal Court late, and say – "Sorry I'm late everyone, I was
just trying to get these white stains out of Arthur's bed sheets."

Get Merlin to enter the Royal Court late, and say – "Sorry I'm late everyone, I was
just trying to find Arthur's blanky, he can't sleep without it."

Ask him if he and Merlin are "friends with benefits" with exaggerated winks.

Get Merlin to ask him what S&M is.

For added effect, after 45, also get Morgana and Gwen to ask him what a blowjob is.

Tell Merlin that Arthur requires his services in the bedroom.

Tell Merlin Arthur wants a blowjob in the stables.

Inform Arthur that he and Merlin MUST be a couple, because the dragon says so,
Merlin's mum says so, Uther says so, Morgana says so (episode 10!)

Run into the Royal Court whilst it is in session and yell – "Arthur, come quickly!
Merlin needs CPR!" If he objects at any point, loudly say – "Well, you didn't mind
having your mouth on his earlier..."

...

50 Ways to Annoy Merlin

Ask him if he and Arthur get nicknamed "Prince Prat and his idiot servant".

Run up to him 20 times every day and whisper to him – "Ssh! Keep the magic secret!"

Ask him if he's jealous of Lancelot's hair.

Tell him he has ears like cup handles

Ask him to rate Lancelot and Arthur out of ten for snogability.

Tell him that Arthur requires his services in the bedroom. Raise your eyebrows
suggestively. Repeat this when Gwen and Morgana are present for added effect.

Ask him if he has a different coloured neckerchief for every day of the week.

Dye all his clothes pink.

Tell Arthur that Merlin has requested a "Naked Friday".

Tell Arthur that Merlin has been peeping on Morgana changing.

Tell King Uther that Arthur and Merlin are in love.

Doodle love hearts all over the front of the spell book that Gaius gave Merlin.

Do one of the previous things in front of Gwen/Morgana/Gaius/Uther then when Merlin

snaps at you, pat him on the shoulder, and tell whoever's around that it's Merlin's
"time of the month".

Ask him if he enjoys playing with Arthur's sword.

Tell Arthur that Merlin must be a virgin, because he touched a unicorn.

Order him to "go feed the dragon".

Spill something white and sticky on Merlin's bed sheets. Take them to wash, and
give them to Gaius, saying – "Merlin's been having wet dreams about Arthur again."

Run into Gaius' house every day, saying in a melodramatic fashion. "Another evil
magic creature is on the loose again! And only Merlin can save the day!"

Whenever Merlin is with Gwen or Morgana run up to them and yell at Merlin – "For
crying out loud, look at her face, not her breasts!"

Ask him if Gaius has told him the facts of life yet.
Tell Arthur it is his responsibility to tell Merlin the facts of life.

Ask Merlin if he has used his magic to see what Arthur/Lancelot looks like naked.

Tell Merlin he only has himself to blame for Merlin/Arthur shipping – he shouldn't
have told Arthur – "Faster. Go faster" and panted Arthur's name when he was
feverish.

Ask him if all the neckerchiefs he wears are simply to cover up love bites that
Arthur or Lancelot has given him.

Comment on how smooth his face is, and ask him if he's started shaving yet.

Ask him if he coordinates his outfits with Arthur's.

Ask him why he's always asking a talking dragon for help.

Make up dirty limericks involving him and sing them whenever you walk past him.
Write them down and leave them on the throne seat for Uther to find.

Ask him over and over to kiss Arthur.

Ask him to use his magic to make Arthur's trousers fall down while he is in front
of the whole court.

Replace Arthur's crown with one made of tin foil and tell him Merlin did it. Do the
same with Uther's crown.

Trick Merlin into going into Morgana's underwear drawer and have her discover him
doing it.

Have Lancelot come onto him.

Ask him if he likes Arthur's pout.

Graffiti Uther's throne with "Merlin and Gwen forever" and tell him Merlin did it.

Tell Merlin repeatedly that the dragon said he and Arthur are two sides of the same
coin, so they must belong together.

Tell Arthur he should put Merlin in prison and chain him to the floor because it
turns Merlin on.

Ask Merlin if he and Arthur are "close"

Ask Merlin if he and Lancelot are "close"

For added effect on 38 and 39, ask in a breathy voice, pretending to swoon.

Tell Merlin that Gwen is pregnant and watch him run off to ask her if she's okay.

In front of Merlin, put on a neckerchief and imitate his earnest naïve nature,
saying – "Ssh! Keep the magic secret! Oh, Arthur, I love you! Nimueh, you know this
is wrong! Dragon, I'm not going to listen to you!"

Ask Merlin if he's ever been to Hogwarts.

Get all the women in the castle to join a "We love Arthur Pendragon" club and go on
and on to Merlin about how popular it's been. The next day, tell Merlin that
Lancelot has joined the club. Tell him later that Gwen and Morgana have also joined
the "We love Arthur Pendragon" club.

Whenever Merlin suggests something, say to him – "That may be how you do it in the
country, boy but it's not what we do in Camelot."

Whenever Merlin is in court with Arthur, throw subtle innuendos into the
conversation such as – "Merlin is amazed at how well Arthur can handle a sword,
aren't you Merlin?"

Tell Merlin you know he only wears red because he read in Cosmopolitan that it
makes men unconsciously attracted to you.

Make sure Merlin is within earshot when you say to Arthur – "The first code of
Camelot that only noblemen can be knights was only to stop scrawny people like
Merlin from becoming knights, wasn't it?"

Ask Merlin if he calls Arthur "master" when they make love.

Tell Merlin that drinking the semen of a prince will make him all powerful.

This was fun but I would never annoy Merlin of course, he is my favourite character
in the BBC Merlin.

...

50 Ways to Annoy Merlin (series 2)

Remind him every five minutes "The dragon wants to know when you're setting him
free, Merlin."

Pat him on the shoulder and say "There, there Merlin. It's not your fault that
Cedric is a better servant than you are."

Tell him you know the flowers were actually for Arthur, not Morgana (that was just
a cover story).

Ask him if he was sad when Arthur rejected his offer of a hug.

Say to a bunch of onlookers "Hey, look, guess who I am!" Hold out your hand and say
one of Merlin's spells. Then go "Oh, wait, you're not supposed to know he's a
wizard..." Wear a red neckerchief so it's obvious you're being Merlin.

Call him a sausage stealer.

Tell him he should have given Arthur the kiss of life instead of using his
neckerchief to drip the potion into Arthur's mouth.

Tell him you know what he was really trying to tell us when he hid in that closet!

Tell him it's a real shame that the one girl he fell for turned out to be a giant
cat beast.

Ask him if he's given Freya her Whiskas yet. Repeat this joke with numerous
variations e.g. ask him if he's gotten her a scratch post/catnip/some fish.

Ask him if he got a perverse thrill out of hiding under Arthur's bed.
Tell him Gwen's got some dresses if he wants to borrow them sometimes...after all,
purple is totally his colour...

Offer him a poppadom.

Wait until he's running Arthur's bath again and Arthur is coming out in nothing but
a towel and then run up behind and either shout "What a sweet married couple! Go on
Merlin, test the water with your elbow like a good husband!" OR "Merlin wants you
to drop the towel Arthur!" Run away quickly.

Ask him if he's going to run off into the woods with Morgana and have a Druid
wedding.

For added effect, after 15) suggest they adopt Mordred as their child, then add
"But keep him away from Arthur..."

Bring the words "There's just no pleasing you sometimes, is there?" into as many
conversations with Merlin as possible.

When you see Arthur with Guinevere and see Merlin notice, say to him loudly – "Aw,
don't worry Merlin, you're just as pretty as she is!"

When you're in a room with Morgana, Arthur and Guinevere, say loudly, and point
theatrically in a random direction, saying "Oh my God, look at that!" When all
three turn to look, say in a stage whisper to Merlin "Okay, you can use your magic
now Merlin!"

In response to every argument he picks with you, say "Well, at least I didn't fall
in love with a mythical beast!"

Ask him if he's modelling that brown satchel, cause he's a poser with it.

Clap your forehead to your head like you've just realised something, and turn to
Merlin. "I just realised something – altering smoke with magic in open daylight,
means other people might see you!" *extremely pointed look at Merlin*

Run up to Merlin in front of everyone and say loudly "Merlin, Morgana's sleeping
through the night now she's got that bracelet! So if you want to perve on her, she
won't wake up!"

Call him a clotpole constantly. Tell him you're just testing it out if he asks why.

Tell him you tried to count the number of awkward sexual tension moments between
him and Arthur over series 2, but you lost count.

Ask him if he was secretly a little bit turned on when Arthur dragged him out of
the court and away from Aredian like that...

Ask him if he knows what Hoyay is.

Tell him you know that he must be going to see the dragon about relationship
advice, because after all, he never takes its advice about magic and destiny.

Ask him if he's killed Voldemort yet.

Tell him you're so pleased he met Freya "...because, after all, after 20 episodes
of Merlin with no romance for you, people were beginning to question your
sexuality."
Tell him to clean your leech tank, scrub your boots, clean the floor, make dinner,
stop the king from marrying a troll, muck out the stables, stop staring at Lady
Catrina's cleavage, run Arthur's bath, save Gwen from bandits, ensure Arthur's
destiny remains intact...

Command him to kiss Arthur. Say Gaius wants him to do it...in the name
of...science?

Tell him you think he's getting a bit too good at the old breaking and entering,
and if he's not careful he'll slip into criminality.

Take to speaking in cryptic riddles, like the dragon does.

Ask him if he enjoys manhandling all these women – first Freya, and now Vivian.

Tell him you know he enjoys teasing Arthur too much.

Tell him you know he peeps when Arthur is changing.

Ask him what the punishment for homosexuality is in fictional, magical, medieval
kingdoms.

Tell Merlin he's going to have to pay for Arthur's therapy now he's given him a
complex about being fat.

Tell him it's a shame Freya died. Why? Cause when she turned into the giant cat he
could have ridden her around, to save him walking places.

Tell him that jumping into cages with random girls isn't going to make him look so
good. Even if he is trying to break them out.

Tell him he needs to stop stalking Morgana. Seriously. The whole "Oh I think she's
plotting against Uther" is obviously just an excuse to follow her and watch her
bathe in the woods.

Ask him if he wishes Arthur had climbed his wall with a rose in his mouth to woo
him.

Sniff the air, then move closer to him and sniff him and say – "I can smell Prince
Arthur's scent..."

Ask him if he uses his magic to see through Gwen and Morgana's dresses.

Ask him if he's too sexy for his red neckerchief.

Hand him a long shopping list and tell him the dragon wants him to get these
groceries for him.

Say to him "You're a good friend, Merlin." Then take a drink, put your hand to your
throat and make out you've been poisoned.

Ask him if he's been using "erecto" on Arthur again.

Tell him he's actually at his most masculine when doing the fierce dragonlord talk.
At least his father left him something useful...

...
50 Ways to Annoy Merlin series 3
Tell him you know the only reason he's keeping Uther alive is because he thinks
it's sexier to be having a secret affair with a prince than a king. (i.e. Arthur)

Tell him to stop hijacking Arthur's quests as his own; it's making Arthur feel less
manly. Ideally say this in front of Arthur to ensure Merlin gets a rollicking.

Pretend you haven't noticed when he wanders into earshot and start talking to
Morgana or Gwen about the fact that you think Arthur called him a "daffodil" is
because he's wet and weedy and limp (if you can make the last one sound like a
sexual reference, even better). Get louder and louder then when he walks closer say
"Oh, Merlin, hi! I didn't see you there! We were just wondering what your favourite
flower is?"

Refer repeatedly to Arthur, Gwaine and him as being Courage, Strength and Idiot.

Wait until he is somewhere very public with Arthur and Gwaine then shout "Hey
Merlin, who's the better shag, Arthur or Gwaine?"

For added effect, after 5) add "Oh don't be coy, Merlin! You weren't shy about
telling me last night!"

Tell him that strange women lying in ponds, distributing swords is no basis for
government. And him fancying them is even weirder.

Buy him a pet manticore. Don't tell him. Hide it under his bed.

Tell him you've noticed a strange smell on Arthur's bed sheets. Set it up so that
Arthur walks in on him sniffing said sheets.

Constantly make jokes about his long white beard.

For added effect, tell everyone of his incontinence.

Clout him round the back of the head. When he asks what that was for, say "For
spending all of Gaius's hard earned money in the tavern, you lush!"

For added effect, accuse him of staring at the bar wench's cleavage, whenever
Morgana or Gwen are present in a low cut dress.

Write a really smutty story about Morgana and Uther in Merlin's handwriting and
post it all over Camelot.

Tell Arthur that Merlin totally gets turned on by his donkey braying.

Tell everyone that Merlin's secret ambition is to be a knight, and when Merlin
approaches in a public place, call him "Sir Merlin".

Tease him about the time he got caught snogging Arthur whilst picnicking in the
woods. Then say "Oh wait that was Gwen this time."

Tell him to stop zapping the poor innocent fairies, what did they ever do to him?

Say to him each morning "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be bringing
breakfast in bed to a shirtless Gwaine – uh, I mean, Arthur?"

Plant some of Morgana, Gwen and Elena's dresses in Merlin's room and make sure they
find out.

Tell him you know that he was enjoying being tied up in chains WAY more than he
ought to have been.

Point out that maybe trying to stop the newly evil Morgana, accidentally mortally
wounding her and then feeling so guilty he has to heal her might not be the best
way to go about things.

Tell him you bet that riding the dragon isn't nearly as exciting as riding the
Pendragon…*wink*

Ask Arthur if he's annoyed that Merlin's getting wiser every day. Tell him that
Merlin wanted you to ask him this.

Replace all his spell books with Harry Potter novels.

For added effect, after 25) start calling him Harry, and Arthur Draco, Gwen
Hermione etc. Get the others to play along with this as if it's totally normal.

Post up a list in the castle square of "The Sexiest Knights of the Round Table" in
Merlin's handwriting. Make sure Arthur is at the bottom.

Take him aside and tell him that you won't tell a soul, but you know the real
reason he stopped Gilli was because he wanted the pretty ring for himself,
precious.

Start sporting the t shirt "Keep Calm and Tell Your Servant to Shut Up".

Start throwing things at Merlin. Bonus points if you get his backside.

Enter him into the open tournaments without telling him. Tell everyone in the
kingdom, especially Arthur, that Merlin has entered and cannot wait to show off his
battle prowess.

Make fun of how touchy feely he was with Arthur, being all "Nurse Merlin" when he
got injured.

For added effect, after 32) buy Merlin a woman's sexy nurse outfit with a note
attached "You know you want to." Sign Arthur's name underneath. With kisses.

Tell him you know he was secretly quite turned on when Morgana took over and became
Queen.

Tell him that having the dragon as his bitch doesn't change the fact that he is
still Arthur's bitch.

For added effect, after 35), affix the sign "Arthur's bitch" to him when he is not
looking. Bonus points if you can get it on his ass.

Ask him what he's going to do for Valentine's Day this year, throw his gifts into
the lake?

Start talking about how Merlin ships Arthur and Gwen when you and Merlin and in the
presence of Lancelot.

Hide somewhere nearby when he is alone and start whispering "Emrys….Emrys…you have
big ears and you're a rubbish servant Emrys…"

Shout "Abracadabra, alakazam!" whenever you see Merlin, ideally when you are within
earshot of Uther.
Get some rabid Merthur fangirls to tie Merlin to a chair. Pace in front of him, as
if in interrogation and ask him why he thought to try anything he could to save
Arthur when he was shot by the arrow but didn't think to try mouth to mouth? A
little kissing never hurts!

Begin a conversation with him about all the things he's done for Arthur, then
wonder aloud why Arthur didn't knight Merlin. Point out that even Lancelot got
knighted, and he's going to nick Arthur's girl…

Tell the dragon that Merlin has bought a pink fluffy collar for it and he demands
that it wear it at all times. Console it for being underappreciated and suggest it
tells Merlin to go screw himself the next time Merlin calls him.

When you are at the round table repeatedly refer to Merlin as "Arthur's bitch".
Even call him this to his face.

Casually observe how odd it is that Arthur gets this big impressive phallic sword
and all Merlin gets is the Cup of Life, an obvious womb symbol.

For added effect, after 45) make various pregnancy jokes about Merlin whenever the
cup is mentioned.

Tell him it's a shame Morgana went evil before he got lucky with her.

Observe that as he gets wiser, his hair gets shorter. Will he be bald by the time
Arthur is king?

For added effect, after 48) sneak into his room while he sleeps and shave his head.

Wait until he's getting along with Arthur and really bonding with him, then bound
up to them both and say in the most exaggerated girly voice you can muster – "Look
what we've got, Arthur! You… (sigh)…me….I'm going to be by your side! Like I always
am… (flutter lashes)…protecting you."