Sara Iwanir – The therapy of infidelity crises

A letter of an offended wife

(The letter has been written by a client to her therapist, about two weeks following the discovery of her
husbands' affair)

The writing is a good tool for channeling the emotions… He (the husband) is expressing a good will and
preparedness to help, a great deal of consideration, but….: He is logical, selecting what to say, answers my
questions, being hesitant and vague. Information which he has given in the past, are now expressed in an
uncertain terms, as if he had formulated what is right to say. (such as my questions: when the sexual relations
have started, how long it has been going on for, does he feel affection towards her?) He gives me a feeling that
he is saying what is right and good to say (politically correct), but not the truth. He is transmitting a great deal
of will to say what he thinks will be easier for me to accept, and is promising that he is saying everything,
(although the information has been already changed a number of times).

I am feeling an enormous pain that has not found relief. I have told no one and I have no one to tell, therefore it
is manifested by a great deal of crying and paralysis in terms of functioning. Only with him have I spoken with
about this but it is not enough in order to be released. There is also a limitation to his patience and to his ability
to listen and to answer again and again the same things. I am striving to restrain myself, not to overload him,
not to cross his limits. But I have only him and therefore I have become so dependent on him. He understands
this and is striving to help and to cooperate, but to what degree?

There is a constant feeling of fear and threat inside me, this feeling being nourished by the fact that everything
I know, has become known to me by chance, because I asked. And it is not possible that everything that has
happened is only the very little that by chance has become known to me. His behavior (the affair) is breaking
the mental block I thought exist between us, and now, if it had happened it can happen again. The suffering
involved in knowing that I do not know everything, and that I do not know what I do not know (he is blocking
information).

How do you rebuild trust and confidence that have crushed? Until it had happened the trust and the confidence
have been the stable ''anchor'' in our life, the best thing that has been between us. There has been no shred of
concern or suspicion even though we have been very free. The fact that it had happened ''under the nose''
without me even sensing the continuous friendship between them that has reached such closeness that has
led to the bed.

What guarantees that everything that is so good, which is happening between us now, will persist? What will
happen when we return to the routine? I cannot free myself from the thought 'about them' and how was it
between the two of them.

I'm so hurt by the unilateral solution that he has found for himself that has led us to the opening of this abyss, a
solution that has been meant to solve only his part in the common distress. I am so offended that of all factors
that have led to this distress of our relationship, he remember only the one conversation that we have held 5
years ago, when I admitted that he is not satisfying me sexually. He completely ignored additional and other
messages that I have transmitted to him that I have a passion for him, and that sometimes it is very good in
bed. His unilateral solution has been destructive with a potential of dismantling between us. He should have
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taken this into account regardless of his distress. Is it only because of a sexual distress that he risks everything
that has been good between us? Why not attempt at first less extreme solutions, for example, consultation, as I
suggested.

The pain, the insult and the suffering that I experienced throughout the years, that has come to light at full
intensity, intensifying my suffering. I realize the he has pushed me aside from his life in a gradual manner
There have been years during which I have found consolation in the fact that at least in bed he needs me. But
it has developed into the fact that I could not bear the knowledge that only in bed he needs me.

He still continues to see the blame in me: The conversation 5 years ago, my coldness, my being bitter and
angry. ''You rejected me" he is saying'', ''you have pushed me into this'', and he has not taken into account my
other messages. I have both suffered so much and am being blamed. With a life like this of course it is hard to
be cheerful, no matter how much you try to swallow and to accept.

What has been the essence of the continuous friendship between them? What has he found in her? I know
that to her he would listen, for her ''stories'' he would have patience, whereas I could not tell him anything, and
he found no interest in me and no respect to what is happening to me. I have felt like an ''object'' that is
providing services.

What has really happened between Strasbourg (the location where the romance took place) and Berlin (the
place where he had told me about it). Has the separation from her been so complex and painful? Is it indeed
only because he has pondered whether and how to tell me (as he had said) that his behavior has been so
strange and scary during this period? Have there been additional doubts? Has she tried or requested (overtly
or covertly) to continue the relationship? What has really troubled him?

Everything is so confused - The relationship with our daughter, the contrast between the approaches of each of
us, as if it is so terrible and there is no possibility of bridging. I'm flooded by anxiety and paralysis cannot
function, I feel a loss of interest and energy, a loss of motivation in regards to everything that used to fill my life:
The children, the work, the society.