barefacts

Monday
4 December 2006
Published by the USSU
Communications Office.
Issue Number 1106
FREE
www.ussu.co.uk

Abused.
The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper

In this 40
page special
Xmas edition

EDITORIAL, ANYONE?
Editor Sophia Hawkins
shares her thoughts on
PAGE 2

Intimidated.
A Larger Point of View
COMMENT | PAGE 8

MEET OUR FIRST EVER

CAMPUS HONEY

Left in Fear...
SURREY STUD/CAMPUS
HONEY| PAGE 3

Two Female Surrey Students in Nightmare Neighbour hell

BY STUART MILLER
UNIVERSITY PRESS OFFICER
IT’S ALIVE! Sports are
back in barefacts bigger barefacts can exclusively re-
veal that two female Surrey
and better than before students living off-campus have
SPORT | PAGES 37-40 been the victims of a torrent of
anti-social behaviour by their
WHAT HAPPENED TO neighbours in recent months.

barefacts IN AP? The location of Walnut Tree

News | PAGE 3 Close seems to be a prime spot
for a series of attacks and ac-
tions such as the ripping off
of car windscreens and leav-
THE AGONY SISTERS ARE ing them lying in the road.
HERE WITH SOME XXX
Continued on Page 2...
RATED PROBLEMS
AGONY SISTERS Walnut Tree Close - The scene of the harassment.

Are YOU up for it?

| PAGE 14

THE ENTS PLANNER

What’s happening? |
PAGES If you think you could be a sabbatical for the year 2007/2008 the president then start thinking NOW! It’s your Union, and
18 & 23 and help out on issues such as education and welfare, sports you have the opportunity to have your say to make a dif-
and recreation, societies and culture or even try a hand as ferenec on behalf of the students.

Oh My Josh... It’s Mega-Stressful!

 NEWS
barefacts
baref
2 4 December 2006
editorial team
Editor-in-Chief
A note from the Editor... cles this issue. We have a heart rendering piece on page ? in response

Hello,
Greg Scott to Sister Saffrons advice in the last issue regarding the NEAL diet. We
ussu.president@surrey.ac.uk also bring you, our first ever campus honey. We had an astonishing
number of applicants for the surrey stud, and I’m sorry to all those who
Editor have not graced the pages of barefacts. You may do next issue so keep
Sophia Hawkins an eye out for yourselves.
ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk Yes, yes, I know… we’re a
week later than planned, but, If you, like me, have been struggling with what to buy your loved ones
Deputy Editor well, with exams, coursework for Xmas then never fear, because barefacts is here!!! My personal
Anne Abeygunasekera and yet more exams I decided favourite are the walking grannies, when i saw them I just cracked up,
eep1aa@surrey.ac.uk that the team needed a bit of and know that they will make a great prezzie for my mum who is a
a break. It was a compromise carer.
Deputy Editor however; I would give them a
Toby Shannon week extra if they would give Good luck to all those with upcoming exams, you will all do grand.
ph51ts@surrey.ac.uk me enough articles to fill 32 I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of the barefacts team
pages. And well, we’ve ex- for their hardwork this semester, it has been a great one, the proof is
Head of Design ceeded that amount tenfold. in a paper that’s 40 pages long, and only contains 2 articles from me.
Joshua Bates Because we have an amazing 36 pages this issue, and 4 more for the Have a very merry Christmas, and an even merrier New Year, and I’ll
mail@oh-my-josh.com ONION, a brand new pullout exclusively from the Union. This is the see you in 2007!
place to go to read what’s happening there, and what the union Sabbs
Head of Marketing & and Execs are doing for the union and for you guys.
Promotions
Position Vacant
Much love,
Quite recently the union saw its, ‘biggest night of the semester,’ in the

News Editor
Mike Blakeney
bf.newsdesk@gmail.com
Arts Editors
Patrick Hunter & Jake South
bf.arts@gmail.com
form of Fetish Night. It was truly a fabulous night, even though nobody Sophia
seemed to know who I was. Hmmmm... I spent more time on my house-
mates costume, painstakingly doing his hair for over an hour. Check out Editor 2006/07
the fetish pictures on page ?
Get in touch:
The barefacts mail box has been truly overloaded with comment arti- ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

Features Editors
Sophie Iredale &
Saffron Wreakes
bf.features@gmail.com
Postgraduate Editor
Position Vacant
Science &
Technology Editor
Alan Terry
map1at@surrey.ac.uk
Societies Editor
Eleanor Tyler
bf.societies@gmail.com
Sports Editor
Matt Cheetham
bf.sport@gmail.com
Copy Editor
Paul Sanderson
li31ps@surrey.ac.uk
Webmaster
Pete Nattress
cs51pn@surrey.ac.uk
Marketing Co-ordinator
Aaron Salins
a.salins@surrey.ac.uk
Abused. Intimidated. Left In Fear
CONTINUED FROM FRONT PAGE
BY STUART MILLER
UNIVERSITY PRESS OFFICER
Victims
THE STUDENTS, WHO wish to remain anonymous
for fear of reprisals, have suffered months of
verbal abuse, incidences of strangers bang-
ing on doors and windows late at night, and
drunken and rowdy behaviour. When the cul-
prits were politely asked to stop, they simply
laughed in the students’ faces and became
aggressive and verbally abusive. The situa-
tion has deteriorated so much that one of the
students has regularly had to find a differ-
ent place to sleep on the nights she knows
the intimidation is likely to be at its worst.
Anti-Social
barefacts has since learnt that others in the same
area are suffering similar abuse and anti-social
behaviour in silence. Repeated instances of
vandalism to property and further examples of
verbal abuse and intimidating behaviour have
been reported. Those living with the stress of the
situation have confirmed that the worst period
was when bollards from nearby road works
were ripped from the street and hurled about.
Unacceptable
barefacts believe this behaviour is totally
unacceptable and we ask all right-minded
readers to join us in condemning any behaviour
that leaves victims stressed, intimidated and
frightened in their own homes. Barefacts
also demands that something be done to
improve the situation for all those concerned.
Shame
It is a shame that in such a beautiful and generally
friendly town such as Guildford, people should
have to endure this kind of behaviour. It is all
the more shameful for us that some of the
culprits are thought to be our fellow students.
Police
A recent meeting with residents, representatives
of the local police, the Students’ Union,
and several departments of the University
including Security has resulted in an action
plan to ensure the deserved, good name of
the vast majority of Surrey students is not
tarnished by this minority of selfish individuals.
Stick
Residents in the affected area have now been
urged to contact the Police and the University
Security Office whenever an incident occurs,
which therefore means more police patrols are
likely in the affected areas. CCTV has been
installed in strategic locations to identify the
guilty parties and the University has amended
its disciplinary guidelines so that it can now
deal with inappropriate behaviour both on- and
off-campus. The offenders should be aware that
in extreme circumstances the ultimate sanction
could be exclusion from the University.
Carrot
Barefacts, the Students’ Union and the
University understand that these incidents are
caused by a few mindless idiots, and know that
students can not and should not be blamed for
every disturbance in the local area. However, as
students we must strive to ensure that our good
name in Guildford is maintained. The Students’
Union is working on this by bringing back last
year’s successful Silent Student Happy Homes
(SSHH) campaign. Through this campaign,
student volunteers stand in areas that are
frequented late at night on student-specific
social nights and pass out branded postcards
and, more importantly, lollipops to encourage
quiet while walking through residential areas.
So if your idea of fun is to scream, shout and
intimidate people, just remember a lollipop
is much nicer than a police caution or worse.
baref
barefacts NEWS
4 December 200
20066 3

Mystery of the Stolen barefacts

BY SOPHIA HAWKINS
EDITOR
IT CAME AS quite a shock when after putting out an immense
300 copies of barefacts in AP on the Monday, that by Tuesday
morning they had all gone. I felt a great sense of triumph, so
put out an extra 600 copies that day. Low and behold, on the
Wednesday I was informed that the copies had all gone again.
Barefacts is popular, but surely not that popular. In search of
more details I ventured to the scene of the crime and asked IT
Services whether they knew of the whereabouts of the miss-
ing barefacts. They said that they didn’t but that they would
be more than happy to ask around for me.
Imagine the shock, surprise and sheer horror when on the
Thursday I had a call from IT services helpfully telling me
that it wasn’t an alien that had stolen them, nor had they been
eaten by giant hungry hippos, but they had been nicked and
recycled by the cleaner. At first I was annoyed by this news,
and deemed it not to be true, but a swift email to Alan Don-
nachie, head of estates and buildings on campus, of whom
was also somewhat dubious of the news, later, confirmed me
after a brief investigation that it was indeed the cleaner. An
apology was gratefully met by all at bare-
facts.
The cleaner concerned has happily ad-
mitted his crime, citing the reason being
that students make too much mess with
barefacts and leave them strewn about
the lecture theatres and that it was easier
to recycle the papers than to clean up
the mess. This is probably a fair com-
ment, for I too have seen barefacts litter-
ing the campus, so, in this I ask of you
two things. Cleaners, can you please not
throw away or just take our barefacts, in-
side is student news that is valuable to
students. Also it takes a lot of effort to
make an issue of barefacts and costs a lot
of money; this shouldn’t just be thrown Austin Peace - the scene of the crime!
away for ease of cleaning. But students,
this is a warning to you in some ways fridge for bursts of inspiration on a dull evening.
Please can you not just leave your copy of barefacts lying
around in lecture theatres, recycle them if they are unwanted ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
or take them home and stick up the ENTs planner on your

Surrey Stud Campus Honey

We have been inundated with applications to be the surrey stud. Here’s our first ever Page 3 Campus Honey... Hooray! Think you’re
Think you’re hotter? Drop us a line: bf.features@gmail.com cuter? Drop us a line: bf.features@gmail.com

NAME: NAME:
MARK PARRY Aimee Hook

AGE: AGE:
18 21

STATUS: STATUS:
Single (& Loving it) Single

DEGREE COURSE: DEGREE COURSE:

1st Year Physics 3rd year Dance and Culture

STARSIGN: STARSIGN:
Sagittarius Taurus

FAVE FILM: FAVE FILM:

The Godfather Trilogy Team America (Although Borat
might have to take it’s place)
FAVE COLOUR:
All the colours of the Welsh FAVE COLOUR:
Flag Pink/Purple/Blue

LIKES: LIKES:
Smoking, Sleeping, Drinking, Pool, Tomato Soup, Wearing flip flops in Winter Dancing, Poker, Climbing, Clubbing, Watching Movies

DISLIKES: DISLIKES:
My Ex, Tidying my Room. Generally I’m very tolerant Balloons, The Dark, Impractical girly handbags, Fish, Cheese, Washing Up

ANY OTHER COMMENT: ANY OTHER COMMENT:

Aimee (Campus Honey) says, ‘He’s soo cute! He looks like Simba from the Lion King. How Look out fot the Surrey Dance Squad dancing in the union for Xmas
can any girl resist that?

Interested in hooking up with our surrey stud? Email: surrey_stud@hotmail.co.uk Interested in hooking up with our Campus Honey? Email: surrey_stud@hotmail.co.uk
 NEWS
barefacts
baref
4 4 December 2006

BY TOBY SHANNON
DEPUTY EDITOR
I’m with the Band... for students of all
disciplines that aims
to create an online,
virtual band to cre-
EVER WANTED TO be part ate a single with all
of a worldwide music Robbins,who do a fantastic job with Music Therapy”.
proceeds going to the worthy charity Nordoff-Robbins Music
phenomenon? Wor- Mike Harding of thestudentzone.com & MTI LLC, sees the
Therapy with a target donation of a whopping £1 million.
ried that Simon Cow- huge task of creating a web band highly exciting:
This project is unique among other ‘Make-me-a-popstar’
ell might just laugh in “The most exciting part of this project for me is that it could
competitions in that the decision-making process will not be
your face? Well here’s really turn the idea of a ‘band’ on its head .It could become
in the hands of some shadowy pop-svengali but in the hands
your chance to get in- the way bands are formed in the future as online communi-
of YOU, the voter! The style of the band, the music they play
volved in an up and ties become more and more popular. Think “The X Factor but
and even the single that gets released will all be chosen by an
coming music event Bigger!”. We hope to raise a great deal of money and aware-
online voting process that means that everyone registered to
that combines mu- ness for the charity through the project”
vote on the website gets a chance to make a difference and
sic and animation to If you want to be a part of this ground-breaking initiative
hopefully raise enormous amounts for charity.
form- and become part of the latest pop sensation, then check out
The single, when it’s released, will be sold through dig-
Be The Band is a web- the project’s website: www.betheband.co.uk.
ital music giants HMV and Napster that call the project “very
based music project exciting and should help to raise a lot of money for Nordoff-

Lecturers: The Hoodie

Are they Overworked?
BY MIKE BLAKENEY
NEWS EDITOR
A REPORT SUGGESTS that nearly half of lec-
turers have had their health adversely af-
fected due to their workload. The report
suggests that two-thirds of lecturers have
considered leaving the profession or work-
ing in another country citing workloads,
bureaucracy, external interference, and
“poor management” as the main reasons.
52 percent also told the poll conducted
by YouGov for the University and Colleges
Union (UCU) they had considered leaving
the profession to work in the private sector.
University and Colleges Union joint gen-
eral secretary, Sally Hunt, said: ‘This poll
shows that bureaucracy is feeding a seri-
ous crisis of morale in our universities that
should worry all those who value higher
education. Universities must take the lead
on this issue of excessive workloads or we
risk losing a generation of talented aca-
demics to the private sector or abroad, as
well as struggling to fill future vacancies.
When asked to comment Higher Educa-
tion Minister Bill Rammell said that al-
though academics said they might con-
sider leaving they were responding to a
hypothetical poll, and many others would
respond similarly in other professions
and mentioned that most in fact did not.
The Universities and Colleges Employers
Association dismissed the report comment-
ing it considered it ‘limited and vague’. “Em-
ployers always support the development of a
healthy work-life balance and continue the
highly successful joint working with unions
in all aspects
of employee
relations. The
changed skill
mix needs
to be taken
into account
when trying
to draw inac-
curate com-
parisons to
other sectors
with regards
to excessive
workloads. Nurses and other NHS profes-
sionals are now trained to take on work-
loads previously assigned to doctors only.”
“Universities, with government depart-
ments, agencies and the funding councils,
have already taken major strides to address
bureaucracy in the sector with the launch, last
year, of the HE Concordat. But this survey
does remind us that that there is still work to
be done in this area.” Said a spokesperson
for Universities UK, the body that represents
vice-chancellors. “Reducing bureaucracy
is a major way to gain efficiency in higher
education as in business. The new HE Con-
cordat promises to do just that. It is one of
the first major gains from the work of the
Higher Education Regulation Group and is
a step in the right direction for the sector.”
The release of the report coin-
cides with the launch of a new char-
ity set up by the UCU, offering support
to lecturers in colleges and universities.
they want you to wear!
BY MIKE BLAKENEY
NEWS EDITOR
THIS ISN’T THE kind that will get you
kicked out of Bluewater, albeit if you
were caught in one in public you would
probably be arrested. No we’re not talk-
ing scallies, we’re talking johnnies.
According to recent statistics, 90 percent
of girls and 70 percent of lads, have a spe-
cial pair of “pulling pants”, meanwhile only
20 percent carry protection in their pockets.
The 18-24 age group, is where STIs such as
Chlamydia spread the most rapidly. This has
lead to the launch of a new £4 million initia-
tive, aimed at raising awareness of the issues.
Caroline Flint, the Public Health Minister
spoke with regards to the campaign: “Im-
proving the nation’s sexual health is a key
Government priority and improving access
times to sexual health clinics, Chlamydia
screening and this campaign will all help
to drive down the number of cases of STIs.
“Some STIs like chlamydia [sic] are on the
increase amongst 18 to 24 year-olds and it is
vital that we deliver strong messages about
using condoms to prevent them. The aim of
this campaign is to make carrying and using a
condom among this age group as familiar as
carrying a mobile phone, lipstick or putting
on a seat-belt. This is not about encourag-
ing promiscuity, but saying to those who are
already sexually active: sex without a con-
dom is seriously risky, so always use one.
“The message of this campaign is that
you can’t tell just by looking whether some-
one has an STI. Some infections, such as
chlamydia [sic], often have no noticeable
symptoms and others cannot be cured, so
taking responsibility for your own sexual
health should always be your key priority.”
Anne Weyman, Chief Executive of the
Family Planning Association, said: “Using
a condom is a very normal and completely
essential part of any sexual relationship.
The benefits of empowering young people –
through this campaign - not only to know this
fact but to act on it cannot be overestimat-
ed. Sustaining the campaign so it can make
the biggest impact possible over the longest
period of time will be key to its success.”
The campaign is being run during the
Christmas and Valentines peri-
od, when STI contraction rates
are traditionally highest. They
will be broadcast on Satellite
channels, Channel 4, and Chan-
nel 5, as well as magazines tar-
geted at the 18-24 age group.
baref
barefacts
4 December 200
20066
Letters to barefacts
Letters must be received by midday on Friday 20th January to guarantee
their presence in the next newspaper. Letters may be edited for length or clarity.
ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
Surrey Sports
Centre
Dear barefacts,
The Vice Chancellor, in his introduction to the Surrey Sports
Centre brochure, rightly says that this £35 million project
to redevelopment the Varsity Centre site is….. “a unique
opportunity to create a world class sporting asset at the
University of Surrey in Guildford”. But is there something
missing from these plans, that could make a worthwhile
contribution to both the academic experience and act as a
draw for potential students, as well as generate income?
Of course, I speak from an obvious bias. Having been an
(unpaid) football administrator for the best part of the last
20 years, as a hobby and, for a period prior to becoming an
undergraduate studying politics at UniS last year, having a
full-time, paid job with Farnborough Town FC (then in the
National Conference) naturally I am looking at the project
with a mixture of happiness, but some sadness at what I
perceive to be a lost opportunity.
I cannot disagree with the Vice Chancellor’s view. A look
at the brochure announcing the new facilities shows the
University’s faith in making a huge investment and underpins
the dedication of the senior team managing the University’s
sports. It will also give something to the current staff at both
the Sports Centre and Varsity. I believe that the staff have
done a really good job in spite of having to utilise time-
expired buildings, so the emergence of the new Sports Centre
will bring new opportunities for them as well as students and
the local community.
So what’s my beef? Well it isn’t really a beef as such. I was
rather hoping to see at least an enclosed ground in one part
of the site, which could be used by both rugby and football
team’s 1’s (i.e. first teams) to help them achieve a higher
status in their respective competitions. A ground share along
the lines of successful ones between rugby and football - like
that at Edgeley Park, Stockport, where Football League team,
Stockport County share a ground with rugby’s Sale Sharks
- would, in my view, have benefits.
An enclosed ground of, say, 500 to 1000 spectator capacity,
with a 500-seat grandstand and portable dug-outs may appear
excessive for the local football and rugby competitions in
which the university currently competes. But such a facility
could signal the ambition to move on and up; to aspire to better
standards of competition. In terms of income generation, such
a ground could be offered to say, in football terms, Surrey
County FA to hold it’s Junior and Lower Junior cup finals,
where attendances would normally be in the hundreds and
where, when held in larger grounds doesn’t generate an
atmosphere that a smaller, well-built ground could for that
level of competition.
I believe that it would also enhance the prospects of
attracting potential students. I have no doubt that the current
plans for the Surrey Sports Centre will help recruit and retain
students, as much as anything offered on the academic front
and it may well be the difference between someone choosing
LETTERS
this or another university.
So, as I mentioned earlier, I may have a bit of a beef, but
it is offered in a positive sense. I certainly fully support the
investment being made and the facilities being planned in the
new development.
Finally – and a little ‘tongue –in-cheek’ admittedly - if I
was thinking about buying a brick under the university’s latest
fund-raising scheme, I think I would want mine in an outside
wall at the new Surrey Sports Centre, rather than outside
Senate House – and I don’t mean that in any disrespectful
way.
Yours sincerely
STEVE COTTINGHAM
barefacts Online?
Dear barefacts,
I’m on placement this year in London. Although not physically
far from Guildford I can’t help but feel cut off from the Union
and the goings on of University life in Surrey. What’s happened
to barefacts online and www.ussu.co.uk? Very little seems to
get updated anymore and I’ve not seen a single edition of
barefacts since I’ve been away... Placement students might
work but we’re still students too!! When can we expect, if
ever, to have barefacts back gracing our computer screens in
its most enviromentally-friendly glory? And what’s happening
at Union Council these days? Those were fun...
Yours faithfully,
Cut-off from UniS
Unite to Save
Royal Surrey
This letter has been sent to barefacts but it is actually for the
students of surrey...
Dear students,
As many of you will be aware, the government is currently
reviewing healthcare services across the country, and is
considering closing Guildford’s Royal Surrey County
Hospital.
Closure of the hospital would have a significant impact
upon the University of Surrey; particularly the Post Graduate
Medical School, and EIHMS.
Furthermore, students and staff would not have the benefit of
a world class hospital offering vital services such as Accident
and Emergency, and Maternity, on their doorsteps.
If you would like to support the campaign to keep Royal
Surrey open, please sign the petition via the campaign web
site: http://www.savetheroyalsurrey.org.uk/.
In addition, if you wish to be involved in campaign activities
5
including gathering signatures, and delivering leaflets etc,
please get in touch on susie.furniss@savetheroyalsurrey.org.
uk
Yours faithfully,
MIKE CHAMBERS
ROYAL SURREY ACTION GROUP
Razoring and
Giving
Dear barefacts,
I was pleasantly pleased to see your article about an attempted
revival of RAG this year - it feels like ages since the last time
anything properly was done at Surrey with this! A few friends
of mine had a suggestion we thought you’d like to hear
though; perhaps Mr Greg Scott, our Union President himself,
would consider a sponsored cutting (or even shaving?) of his
own long blonde locks? We know of a fair few who’d pay
good money to see that!
YOURS SINCERELY,
FROM HAIR TO ETERNITY
Can I Please have
Some Peace?
Dear barefacts,
After a long day, many lectures and coursework to finish,
I went to bed happy in the knowledge that the next day I
could have a lie in, for my lectures that day didn’t start till
3pm. However, at around 8.50 am I was woken by estates
and buildings cutting the grass outside my room. This really
baffles me, for, isn’t it too late in the year to be cutting the
grass, as the grass is now to wet? Seemingly not, but please,
estates and buildings, I know the campus needs to be kept in
order and I believe you do a good job, but at 8.50 am it’s a
little too early to be waking us up with loud lawn mowers,
and they are loud because you wear ear muffs to protect you
from the noise.
I’m not the best person for morning at the best of times, and
this has probably come out as a rant, but thats due to lack of
sleep. Normally however, I vent my anger on my alarm clock,
so far my poor little piggy has no ears or a tail. This time I
thought I’d do something a little more productive and write to
barefacts. I feel better already, because I know there’s always
tonight.
YOURS SINCERELY,
AMY
 barefacts
baref
6 UNION 4 December 2006

RAWU: Making Welfare Hot

The New RAWU Team at
the Union
You’re all familiar with the many and varied
problems facing students today, in fact, you’ve
probably experienced several. Issues such as
exam stress, homesickness or health problems
can continue to trip you up regardless of how
long you’ve been here or what subject you study.
Skim-reading the Times2 supplement yesterday,
the headline of their health problem page caught
my eye – ‘I feel a failure because I can’t enjoy
university’. As I began to read, the sentiments of
‘Suzanne’s’ letter struck me as all too familiar.
‘Suzanne’ was in her first year, felt she had little in
common with her new flatmates, ‘everyone else
seems to have settled in fine’, and was struggling
to keep up the pretence of having a great time.
The last part of her letter read ‘I don’t want to
worry my parents, but I don’t know who to turn
to.’ The solution, by Dr Tanya Byron, covered
the options of moving halls, making new friends,
or seeking help from university counsellors, but
made no mention of representation and welfare.
Here at Surrey, you will have noticed the abun-
dance of student care services, all of which are
here on the campus specifically for you. The
high quality of Surrey University’s care serv-
ices is envied by other institutions around the
country. The Representation and Welfare
Unit is based in the union, right by the shop,
and operates an open-door policy. Not only are
we an important link to all of the care services
on campus, but we can represent you at aca-
demic appeals, help solve problems you might
be having with your course, and just gener-
ally provide a friendly ear for any of your con-
cerns. The Union has recently expanded, so
I’d now like to introduce the new RAWU team.
Firstly, Gabriella Sholk is your elected VP for Ed-
ucation and Welfare, and promotes the wellbeing
of all of the students on campus. Gabriella is your
representative on committees, making sure you
have your say on what goes on at the University.
Secondly, Paul Coward is the Academic Sup-
port Coordinator, which makes him the per-
son to turn to if you’re struggling with your
course. Paul can accompany you to academic
hearings, and help out with any issues you
may have with your coursework or tutors.
Finally, I’m Kathy Jones, and I’m the Welfare
Support Coordinator. I can help with any con-
cerns relating to your general welfare, from
problems with housemates to money wor-
ries. Our office door is open from 9 to 5, or
of course, you can contact us through email.
Gabriella - ussu.edwelfare@surrey.ac.uk
Paul – p.coward@surrey.ac.uk
Kathy – katherine.jones@surrey.ac.uk

Do us all a Favour!
BY ANDREW RAOF
COMMENT WRITER
When do you hear the phonetically sarcastic, albeit jocular,
expression ‘perr-lease!’? Maybe when you’ve done some-
thing worthy of disapproval, normally over an easily-avoid-
able, careless act that deserves nothing but ridicule. But could
there be a time when we all deserve to be told this? If you think
the answer to that is ‘no’, then firstly that without a shadow of
doubt you deserve a ‘perr-lease’, secondly you frankly need
to clue yourself up on the reality of what is going on in front
of your very own eyes! What exactly is going on? A type of
behaviour, or rather, a lack of it.
Litter, vomit, pinching wiper blades…the list could go on
for another page, none of it worth it at all. It is undoubtedly
careless, selfish and certainly not of any benefit to any of us, or
the wider community at large. Students in recent years were
shamed on a television programme (I think it was ‘Grumpy
Old Men’) as going from productive to dysfunctional, in that
there was a time when they cared about what was going on in
the world (at large). Nowadays, they remarked, students only
care about what goes on in their own world (do we?!).
Perhaps they have a point. Surely in times of greater con-
flicts such as nuclear arms races and global warming, students
would gladly take to the streets and do all they could to save
the world from the forces of evil. Where has it all gone when
greater problems exist? The irony is that we are now that evil
posing a threat to society, and to ourselves (for the sake of our
‘own world’).
The University campus, in all four seasons is, at times, a
resonating example of rubbish tip, the 1978 Winter of Discon-
tent perhaps, due to the carelessness of many to waste a sec-
ond to put litter in a bin. Highly influential upon the lazy, this
habit spreads to other areas within and beyond the University,
not only making the place look untidy, but putting nature and
public health at risk.
A sight were are not unaccustomed to is mindless vandal-
ism, not only to the university itself, but to the property of
the general public, who are without any guilt, nor fault, to
any of us. So why, upon walking up roads such as Walnut
Tree Close, or the over the railway footbridge, do we have to
see the aftermath of something that an only be described as
facetious and selfish? The University has received complaint
after complaint concerning yobbish behaviour, which we are
warned about year after year, from indigenous Guildford resi-
dents. Although they do this, some of us still try to take it
upon ourselves to think we’re ‘cool’ and do what we would
only dread would happen to us. There is litter dumped in
people’s gardens, trolleys abandoned, wiper blades stolen or
wing mirrors snapped. IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU FUNNY,
IT MAKES US ALL LOOK LIKE THUGS.
And as for vomit, why do I mention this? Know your lim-
its! Wait a minute; you do know your limits. If you get so
smashed to the extent where you throw up onto the concrete,
you are nothing more than degenerate and stupid. You pose
health risks and make the place look not just unhygienic, but
diabolical and ugly. Try and find somewhere else to throw up,
perhaps under a tree or somewhere where people aren’t likely
to come across it…or smell it. And as for knowing limits, well
you know how much you can take, and according to what
condition you’re in, so putting yourself in a state of ill-health
is your own stupid fault.
So after all this ranting, which is something we should all
feel strongly about, little really needs to be asked, as most
know their right from wrong. We can care for the wider com-
munity by starting with our own, which needs a complete
makeover. Just behave yourselves, and treat others as you
would like them to treat you.
baref
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4 December 200
20066
US Elections to Signal
an about Face on Iraq?
BY STEVE COTTINGHAM
COMMENT WRITER
SO, WHAT ARE us Brits to make of the recent Congressional
elections in America, if anything? In a widely acknowledged
ballot-box defeat for President George W Bush’s Republicans,
just how much of a change in Foreign Policy, for example, will
the Democrats bring from January 2007, when those elected
take their seats in the Senate and House of Representatives
– more commonly known collectively as ‘Congress’.
The American system of election seems a rather strange one,
for the foreigner i.e. us Brits, to understand. For example, the
Democrat in the Virginia State Senate seat election appeared
to ‘win’ before all the votes were counted. Jim Webb, the
successful Democrat beat the Republican incumbent, George
Allen, on the basis of the media ‘calling’ the seat for the
Democrats and Mr Allen conceding defeat publicly. All a bit
strange when compared to how we in Britain run our elections,
but, perhaps, something of a side issue. For the record and
for those who haven’t ventured outside their rooms, or have
hibernated elsewhere during the past few weeks, the elections in
the USA for the House of Representatives (broadly equivalent
Spare A Thought This Yuletide
BY ANDREW RAOF
COMMENT WRITER
AS WE APPROACH Christmas once again, it goes without say-
ing that the traditional maxims of peace and love are lit-
tle more than dormant. Indeed, so too is a greater maxim:
that of gratefulness. But although not all of us follow a
religion, and find ourselves in an era of science, technol-
ogy and the great debate of God’s existence, surely as hu-
mans what should unite us, regardless of whether we
have a religious identity or not, is a sense of morality.
Picture this- It’s a cold winter evening, and you can’t wait to
get back into the warmth and comfort of your own home, hav-
ing just spent the day outside doing whatever it is you have
been doing. You approach your home, and as you open your
door you feel the biting crispness of the outside change into
that of a heavy wave from a centrally heated air, the thick-
ness of it striking you in a way that you are worn out by it.
Perhaps it’s Christmas Eve, or Boxing Day, or some other
day around this elaborate time of year, and all around you,
or so it seems, there is an ambience that all is well and good.
But I’m sorry to have to seem like a pessimist: none of us
were born yesterday, and we know as well as each other that
all is not merry, or happy. In the streets there are people home-
less, with little more than a sleeping bag and a newspaper.
For us, we have beds, radiators and television sets. In certain
homes throughout the country, there are families in disre-
pair and cases of domestic unrest. Beyond the country, there
are wars, famines and conflicts. Children are being abused;
pets neglected. Yet despite all this, a vast majority of us are
genuinely prepared to go ahead, bury ourselves deeper into
our own comfort and offer no sympathy, whether physical or
COMMENT
to our House of Commons) was won by the Democrats,
who have majority control for the first time in 12 years. In
the Senate (which cannot realistically be compared with our
House of Lords, because, the American second chamber has
more powers) the votes, on paper at least, will potentially be
much closer, with the Republicans and Democrats holding
49 seats each and the majority for the Democrats only
being assured by 2 independents - Joe Lieberman, a former
Democrat who lost a primary (akin to an MP being deselected
by her/his constituency party) and a self-acclaimed ‘socialist’,
Bernie Sanders, who, having held a seat in the House of
Representatives, changed to run instead for the Senate and
won. The Democrats also won a further 6 State Governorships
and now hold more governorships than the Republicans (28
to 22). Apparently this holds some significance as a power
base from which to launch a Presidential election bid in 2008.
Election turnout was also up – Reuters news agency was
reporting that turnout had reached 40.4% (an estimated 83
million voters) and the highest for a ‘mid-term’ election since
1982. Clearly Americans wanted to make a statement about their
political direction. Exit polls were declaring that it was as much
about the state of the American economy, as being about Iraq.
emotional, and carry on with
our increasingly-self-
ish and materialistic lives.
It may not seem nice to
think of it, and sometimes
the only remark one can of-
fer is: “I’m lucky; glad it
‘ant ‘appened to me.” But
just for a moment, stop and
think that yes, you are lucky,
but also that you are grateful
somehow, and to offer your
sympathy and gratitude by
doing something useful to
those in greater need than
yourself. For example, you
could live near an elderly
person, who, most certainly,
will have survived the hor-
rors of the Second World
War. Often, such people are forgotten about or it is thought
that they are fine. Actually, you’ll be surprised to know that
this time of the year is cold, and that due to lack of money
to pay for heating or too cold or ill to go to the thermostat,
many of them die of pneumonia in their own beds. And there
you have it: a brave person who lived through something we
can only dread might happen again, dying unnecessarily due
to our neglect. Just a short visit to make sure they are okay,
maybe take their phone number or send them a Christmas
card- these small acts can make a huge difference. The elderly
these days are probably the finest we will see for a long time.
Naturally more can be done: if there is enough money
7
Nancy Pelosi, a senior Democrat in the House of
Representatives, is being presented in the media as the
next House Speaker – the first women in American politics
to hold that very important and influential post. It’s been
reported that she had lunch with President Bush within
hours of the results declaring that for the first time in 12
years, the Democrats had gained control of the House.
This is something of a pointer to a different stance for the
President - together with that of Iraq invasion author, Defence
Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld, resigning (or was he pushed?).
With the Democrats in control of Congress, and given
the specific separation of powers between the President
and Congress, the Democrats can do much to limit the
arrogance of the Republican Party’s religious right-wing
vanguard and trim the excesses of America’s foreign
policy. The key question is will they? Are we about to see
an embarkation of new American diplomacy: jaw-jaw
rather than war-war, in the pursuit of their national interest?
In the rather ‘hackneyed’ phrase.......only time will tell.
to be spent on lavish gifts and sumptuous dinners (which
then end up uneaten and in the bin, surely a matter of a few
pounds would be of no harm if it went to a charity whose
aim is to feed a starving child, or a child being hit by
their parents for the sake of anger-management. Or may-
be a homeless person? How about a hot drink for them?
Here I shall leave this article, and ask for you all to unite
and discover your true human qualities and morals. We
can make this Christmas a better one, not only for our-
selves, but for posterity, by pausing for a second and mak-
ing an effort for those less fortunate ourselves, and know-
ing that we have made a difference. I hope you know
what your additional priorities are. I certainly know mine.

8 4 December 2006
A Larger Point Of View
This article is one with a difference! It is in response to Sister Saffron’s advice to last issues problem whereby she suggested
the NEAL diet. barefacts would like to take this opportunity to stress that this comment was said entirely in jest and that we
would never recommend anyone to take laxitives as a way to lose weight.
BY PETE KING
COMMENT WRITER
I AM WRITING this article after reading the Agony Sis-
ter’s responses (in BF 1104) to one Anonymous when
they asked for advice on losing weight, and this may
end up more of a rant than an article, but here we go.
I’d better set the scene before I go on. Imagine if you will,
that it’s back in the days of the summer of 2001, I’d just fin-
ished my 2nd year of study, I looked in the mirror, only to see
what can only be described as a 17stn 8lb blob, staring back at
me [see pics]. After many a comment from friends and family
(I believe it’s called “constructive critisism”), I finally real-
ised that this blob must go. A year and a bit later, whilst out
on placement, the “blob” had transformed into the fine figure
of a young man that I had become, now weighing in at a sen-
sible (although still overweight) 14stn 2lb [again, see pics].
I’m not that size now, however. I generally hold
around 92kg, but will be around 94kg due to uni work.
The reason for my story was to level with all of you who
are thinking that you are overweight, and need to shed a
few pounds. I have been there, I have done that, and I do
know what I’m talking about. Arrogant bugger, ain’t I? :o)
You may be wondering what the point of this article is,
and I can understand where you may be confused. Now
I’m back as a part-time MSc student, I’m basically writ-
ing this to impart my few years of knowledge learnt about
the wealth of bull-sh*t “advice” there is out in the modern
world about how to lose weight, and that there is no easy
way to do it. I also wish to throw much more of an insight
into how it feels to be one of the ever increasing number
of overweight people and how “normo’s” react to us.
Now, as EVERYONE knows, the best way to lose weight
(and more importantly) keep the weight off, is to eat right
and take regular exercise. One of the Agony Sisters hit this
right on the nail and was spot on correct with what she said.
The other was most definitely ill-informed and (in my opin-
ion) incredibly ignorant with her statements. It may well
have been done with a facetious, light-hearted and tongue-in-
cheek air to it, but what she might not realise is, someone will
have listened…and someone will have taken her seriously.
I have realised through my few years of battling to keep the
bulge off, that advice is very hard to take seriously from (a) a
slim person or (b) an overweight person who isn’t practising
what they preach. The only people I can take serious notice
of are those that have been far too big and lost the weight, or
those that are in the process of losing large amounts of weight
over time. What most people don’t realise who haven’t been a
larger than average size, or are in complete denial, is the way
an overweight person feels when they’re battling with their
size. We will listen to EVERY word you say if you have heard
of a good diet that works, in an insane attempt to lose weight as
quick as possible and lose the “fat person” stigma that surrounds
us. We are the butt of every lame joke, it is the only comeback
you have that is guaranteed to get everyone around you laugh-
ing as it’s okay to use overweight people as said butt of jokes.
I have heard every fat joke under the sun, and get very bored
with the repetition of them all. I can recite the “yo momma”
jokes as they’ve all been fired at me multiple times over the
years. As I’m a mickey-taking sod and love to have a laugh
and a joke, I really enjoy hearing a new fat joke when it’s fired
at me as it’s a breath of fresh air. I haven’t laughed at a new
fat joke for a good few years as no-one has the inclination or
imagination to come up with a new one. Please remember
ladies and gentlemen, that sticks, stones and names all hurt in
equal measure…especially fat jokes to an overweight person.
A bit of a sociological question for you all; why is it okay
to point and laugh at the fat person in a room, but you’d
never do the same thing to an anorexic or someone with
bulimia? We all have eating disorders, and in our own way,
we all have a problem with the way we think and act around
food. Answer: It’s just become socially acceptable because
to be fat has become associated with those that over-indulge,
(and is considered one of the seven deadly sins) whereas
the others have been socially recognised as “illnesses”.
Right, for example, my girlfriend is a dietician (ironic, I
know; A fat engineer with a dietician) and she always says
that I take very little notice of her when she gives advice.
This is one of the points I was trying to make. She (like 95%
of her classmates) is a slim, very attractive young lady, so
how can they possibly give advice to people on how to lose
weight and tell them that they should do this, that and the
barefacts
baref
other, when they’ve never been in that situation themselves?
How can they understand that need to feel your stomach be-
ing full after a meal? How can they understand the cravings
for foods when you know you shouldn’t? The unmitigated
guilt when these foods have been consumed? Looking down
and seeing your stomach/bottom sticking out further than it
should? Going out and being stared at for your size, having
little kids ask they’re Mum’s how to get past you in a shop?
Being embarrassed to go swimming or taking your top off
in summer, for fear of what people will say? They just don’t
know. It would be like me telling a woman exactly how preg-
nancy feels and exactly where it’s going to hurt. I can’t, I have
no idea. No one knows what it feels like to been stigmatised
as overweight, bar those who are/have been in that category.
One thing that REALLY ticks me off, and the truly over-
weight people reading this will agree, is the large number of
“false-fatties” we have around. These are the people that are
slim, gorgeous and the perfect size, whom whinge about the
size and shape of their bodies. For e.g. a girl I know (who
will remain nameless) has a gorgeous bottom. It’s a lovely
shape and size and is nicely toned, though not Kelly Brook
toned. She keeps whinging she has a fat bottom. Another e.g.,
my mate. This is a guy who is over 6 foot high and has less
than 10% fat on his body (men should have 11-19%). He can
quite happily eat 500g of chocolate, twice a week and still
remain the same size. If I did that, I’d bloat right out, I’ve
done it enough times to know! The worst part is, he comes
up to me, pinches the same amount of fat on his stomach that
I pinch on my forearm, and complains that he’s getting fat.
He’s a 32” waist. To these people, and those whom are like
them I simply say, “shut the f**k up, you have no idea!!!”
It’s fair to say that we should be losing weight, and get-
ting ourselves back to a healthy state, but the main bat-
tle isn’t the losing weight through exercise, it’s through the
mental fight we have with ourselves to overcome the crav-
ings and the appetite. This fight starts getting all the more
difficult when, whilst trying our damnedest to lose weight
by eating properly and exercising more, we have comments
from people along the lines of, “well, you haven’t lost much
have you?” or “What’s the point? You’ll never keep it off.”
Please, if a mate of yours is trying to reduce their size, sup-
port them, go to the gym with them, eat the same food as
them, just whatever you do, don’t knock their motivation. It
takes a hell of lot of effort to get motivated to lose weight,
it takes one demoralising comment to counteract that.
I know I am writing this article at a poignant time in the
academic year as the exams are well and truly upon us,
we are all eating junk food (myself included) just to get
the sugar rush to get that extra hours revision done and to
save us having to cook. All our clothes are getting that lit-
tle bit tighter, again, mine included. But please be sensi-
ble and don’t try anything silly to counteract these effects.
Please, for the love of any God or idol that you worship or
anything that that is truly sacred to you, do not take laxatives
as a form of losing weight! Yes, it will temporarily make you
slimmer and yes, you will feel better for it for a short time,
but I’m considering the long term here. If you feel you really
baref
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4 December 200
20066
Continued...
must use a laxative in your body, go down to Tesco’s, go to
the dried fruit aisle, buy and bag of prunes and a bag of dates.
Now consume and wait a day, it will have the same effect.
Taking on fad or quick-fix diets will only lead to you losing a
lot of weight quickly, then putting that weight plus some more
in the end. Look at those who tried the Atkin’s diet recently.
The company set up to supply products under it’s name has
gone bust because Joe Public realised how dangerous and rub-
bish the diet was. We’ve had some classics over my time. The
cabbage soup diet, the South Beach diet, the belt-round-the-
stomach diet (sorry, I forget it’s name), to highlight just a few.
The only way to eat properly, is to get a proper balanced
diet, and to stick to it. I’m not saying never treat yourself,
but as my girlfriend and her friends are forever preaching,
‘everything in moderation’, and they’re right. As long as
you stick to a decent diet for the week, then there is abso-
lutely no harm in having a takeaway or junk meal once or
twice a week. In fact, I’d encourage it as it makes stick-
ing to the healthy diet a lot easier. Not having the treats
is (probably) like going cold-turkey from cocaine, your
body will crave what it needs and you are not allowing.
Just be aware of the content of the foods you are tak-
ing in on a daily basis, remembering that for a wom-
an should be eating around 2000 cals/day, and a bloke
should be on 2500 cals ish. Note that your fat should be
below 90g/day and our salt around 6g/day, as these are
the most common ones. The details of what our recom-
mended daily allowances are online, just Google for them.
The other point with your diet, is to please not, not eat. Again,
our Agony Sister made an ill-informed statement there as it
will do you more harm than good. Unfortunately, by being ge-
netically programmed to prepare ourselves for times of star-
vation, our bodies store fat a lot easier than we shed it. It’s all
tied into the metabolic rate; eating increases it, which increas-
es the fat burning. If we do not eat, our bodies assume there is
a lack of food available, and will hold onto body-fat as long as
possible. Well done to Our Maker on that design decision! :o)
Now my rant seems to be winding down, a few more points
to add before I leave you. If you are serious about losing
weight and keeping it off, please go and see the nurses down
COMMENT
9
at the health centre as they will be able to help you and guide
you, even if they are far too slim to have ever been over-
weight. I’m sure that the hospital the other side of Tesco’s
will run sessions with the dieticians, giving the general public
help and advice. A UniS graduate that I know is working there
now, so she will understand your predicament and be able to
help accordingly…and gentlemen, she’s worth the trip! :o)
As we are now in the time of revision and exams and don’t
have time to cook, if you have freezer space, (although I
know it comes at a premium) try a simple idea I use. Take
a large pan, half fill with tins of chopped tomatoes, drop a
packet of sliced/chopped chicken in there and as many veg-
etables as will fit. Add a good sprinkle of herbs and a cou-
ple of chicken Oxo cubes and leave to boil down for an hour
or so on a low heat. Allow to cool, bag it up into portions
and freeze it. When you want a meal, lob a bag in the mi-
crowave for 15 mins on defrost, cook a little bit of pasta as
well, maybe grate a little cheese over the top and there you
have a simple, delicious, healthy meal to help you power
through your revision. I make these 20 portions at a time!
On a leaving note, please don’t be afraid to talk to some-
one who can help you or knows the position you’re in. I
had a friend whom graduated last year who struggles with
her weight. She was forever phoning and e-mailing me, ask-
ing for support because she knew I understood how she felt.
If you have someone like that to lean on, it’s a God-send.
If you need someone, I’m at eem2pk@ee.surrey.ac.uk.
One last point to the larger gentlemen among you; Our
time of reckoning is near! If like me, you do not feel the
cold and boot out a lot of heat, as winter is upon us, it is
our time to thrive. If walking back from the union you hap-
pen to see a shivering female walking your way, do not be
slow to offer her your coat to keep her warm and walk her
home, or if you know her, offer her a cuddle. She will ap-
preciate it and realise what a great bloke you really are.
Please people, spare a thought for the overweight
among us, the situation is not always so black and white. A Much Slimmer and Happier Pete
Before: 17stn 8lb June 2001
NB: I am not qualified to talk on this matter, I am just an electronic
After: 14stn 2lb 13th August 2002
engineer. Please regard this article as my own personal opinion
 barefacts
baref
10 COMMENT 4 December 2006

CONGRATULATIONS!
BY TOBY SHANNON
You Just Lost the Game!
DEPUTY EDITOR

Let me set the scene for you…

Imagine a dripping underpass on a cold November morning.
The originally buttercup-yellow walls are covered in scrawl
but one thing stands out. A poster. A neatly typed poster
bearing a simple legend: ‘I’ve just lost the game’ and now,
so have you.
Hopefully, more than a couple of people having read the title
of this article and that poster that sparked it have said ‘Well
gosh-darn it’ or words to that effect and the rest of you will be
wondering what on earth I’m banging on about.
Pray allow me to elaborate. The game is a startlingly simple
idea and when you are in its grasp you won’t be able to get
out. Once you know about the game, you become part of the
game and as you’ve just been sucked in, you should probably
know the rules. Here they are:
THE RULES
1. You begin playing as soon as you know it exists
2. As soon as you think about the game, you lose.
3. As a loser of the game, you are obliged to make as
many people as possible surrounding you lose also...
It’s fun like that.
Simple eh? Here’s the thing though- you play even if you
don’t want to. Me, I was highly sceptical of the potency of far does one loss of the game get around the world? If I was This article is dedicated to all those uncounted people that
this whole thing from the beginning; I thought I could escape to text someone that plays the game and they text someone suffer as I do and repeatedly smack themselves in the forehead
whenever I wanted. I couldn’t. I’ve become as avid a player as and so forth, how far will that message go? Like the tumbling and rue the day they started the game… Which now includes
the next chap. You can tell us from the normal people around of a vast row of dominoes, how far will the chain go? Just you! And especially you, mysterious poster pasting individual.
us; most of us have an expression of vague annoyance- we’ve how many people in how many places will go ‘Oh deuce, I’ve Without you, this article would never have happened- nicely
either just lost the game or we are seeing/hearing/tasting/ done it again’ or something? Be interesting to find out… If I done, my hat goes off to you.
smelling something that reminds us of the last time we lost was sufficiently incensed, I’d send out a chain email but I’m Well, that about concludes all this business about the game.
the game- memory is funny like that. really irritated when those plop into my inbox so I’d have to Just think, every time you pick up this paper a little spark will
For example, every time I crossed a certain bridge on the sustain a severe blow to my principles in order for me to send go off in that vast brain of yours and you’ll have the vague
way to campus I instantly lost the the thing. I’m sure I’ll manage. inkling that something in this paper made you a little angry…

“Gosh-darn
game because it was a feature of Having trawled the But what? Oh yes, the game. Enjoy.
a conversation I shared with some internet for further
of my friends and after a very mentions of the game, I ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
aggravating few days, we decided stumbled upon several
that the bridge should become a
game-free zone. Also, we instigated
the ‘20 minute rule’ which simply
it! I just lost forum threads that just
started ‘I just lost the
game’ and had numerous
barefacts would like to apologise profusely for any distress
suffered whilst reading this article.

the game!”
states that once the game has been
lost by everyone in the vicinity, it
stands to reason that it might pop
up in the conversation so we give
ourselves that cooling-off period to forget about it.
When considering rule three, I know at least one person that
goes out of her way to text message other participants ‘Just
lost the game’ as soon as she does and this set me wondering…
Just how many people play this thing? I was assured by the
person that started me on this troubled path that it originated
in Kent but personally, I’m not so sure. Having Google-d
‘I just lost the game’ I came across a webpage [http://www.
savethegame.org/wiki/List_of_people_who_just_lost_The_
Game] and it lists people that have, as I am sure an eagle-eyed
reader such as yourself will have noticed, just lost the game.
Their locations stretch all the way around the world- the USA,
Australia, New Zealand among other places. So gosh! How
responses along the lines
of ‘You’re a bad man If you have been affected by the content of this article,
indeed… It would appear please do not hesitate to contact us- the game is for life; not
I’ve just lost the game just for Christmas.
too you wily fellow… Oh fiddle-de-dee…’ etcetera. So did
it begin on the net? Maybe it did… I hope not though- it
Image Source:
would be far more interesting if it began as a person-to-person
http://www.davew.orcon.net.nz/gamesim.html
interaction and spread from one person to another by angry
word of mouth but never mind, it won’t be a crushing blow if
am proved wrong. Seriously though, if you would like to get involved with any
It does send me on a bit of a power trip to think that of the aspect of barefacts, please drop us a line- we’d love to hear
people that read this paper, the number that play the game from you!
that will curse my name forever more- why not cut this article
out and send it to friends that also play in other universities?
Stick it to your door! I like to think I’m doing my bit to gently
unravel your sanity and the mental wellbeing of those around
you…
baref
barefacts
4 December 200
20066
Binge Drinking
Party Hard, The Story of Fun at a Cost
BY STEPHANIE MOORE
LEAD NURSE
STUDENT HEALTH CENTRE
Patrick (Not his real name) was having a ball, Saturday
night in the union was a welcome break from books, notes
and deadlines. Little did he or any of those with him know
he would never meet his deadlines! Patrick was out with six
friends in the student union where it was two for one drinks,
Christmas and end of term were fast approaching. Rounds of
drinks and a bit of a boogie followed by a few shots there was
nothing unusual about this Saturday night, or so they thought.
Patrick’s friends noticed him stumble across the dance floor he
looked a bit wobbly but who wouldn’t after an evening on the
booze with his mates. Spirits were high, everyone was having
a ball. Patrick said he felt ill, he went to the toilet and was sick.
He stumbled back out of the gents just in time for
closing and was carried back home by his friends.
They put him in bed and crashed out themselves af-
ter fixing and demolishing a midnight feast of course.
The morning came with headaches and stories from the night
before. Patrick’s friends thumped on the door of his room and
barged in to see how he was and give him a hard time about
being sick and having to be carried home. Patrick was found
dead having choked on his own vomit. The rest as you can im-
agine is a grim tale, for his friends and family Christmas with-
BUNAC: Work Canada
BY A. EVANS
BORED OUT OF my mind in my temp job at Barclays I came to
realise why people kick up so much of a fuss on how fantastic
travelling the world really can be. So without much thought
I applied to BUNAC’s Work Canada programme who ar-
ranged for my work visa, flight, insurance, etc. and before
I knew it I was in a foreign country and didn’t know any-
one. It was the best decision I’ve ever made- to be honest uni
has been a bit of a let down compared to living in Canada.
BUNAC are a non-profit organisation who offer 14 different
work and volunteer programmes in 10 different countries in-
cluding the USA, Australia, China and South Africa. I needed
to go through BUNAC to get my work visa but they helped
me out immensely during my stay in Canada as well- not least
their insurance paying out $8000 when I had appendicitis.
COMMENT
out him will never be the same, University will never be the
same, the union will never be the same, and in fact life with-
out Patrick will never be the same. Patrick’s death was totally
preventable and the outcome could have been so different….if
only him and his mates had thought about responsible drinking.
Binge Drinking the Facts
Binge drinking can be defined as having more than six units
in one session for girls and eight units in one session for boys.
Risks of binge drinking include:
* Sexual risks such as Sexually transmitted infections,
unplanned pregnancy and sexual assault
* Alcohol poisoning, leading to coma or even death
* Increased risk of breast cancer in women
* Erectile dysfunction in men
* Increased risk of being a victim of violence and or sexual
assault
* Relationship problems
* Headaches and hangovers
* Law breaking which can lead to driving bans, fines, po-
lice records and even prison.
What can you do to stay safe?
* If you think your mates have had enough get them a soft
drink or water
* Be wary of getting in a round, you may drink more than
you normally would just to keep up
* Don’t accept drinks from strangers
* Pace yourself, drink water in between alcoholic drinks
* If you are looking after a mate and you are worried about
them ask for help from a responsible and sober person. Share
the responsibility
* Eat before you go out, this soaks up the alcohol and not
Their job listings booklet had employers recommended by
previous BUNACer’s so I managed to get a job that suited
my travelling situation- staff accommodation only $122 (£61)
a month for example. I flew out with other BUNAC travel-
lers so I didn’t start off completely alone. Headquarters are
situated out there so you can turn to them for help and ad-
vice whenever you need it- chances are you will do at some
point. And of course there are all the discounts for being a
BUNAC member on tours like TrekAmerica, phoncecards for
calling home, travel guides such as Lonely Planet and so on.
I was in Canada for 5 months in total and snowboard-
ing was my favourite sport but water rafting wasn’t too far
behind- I hadn’t done either before setting foot in Canada.
I had very flexible work hours giving me more time to do
what I wanted. You had all winter to do as much snowsports
as your heart could handle- and season passes were very
11
only stops you getting so drunk but eases the hangover the
next day
* If your planning on having more than a kiss, make sure
you have packed condoms
* Plan how you are getting home before you start drinking
and ensure you travel with friends when ever possible.
What to do if you need help
* Ask Security for help if you have serious concerns about
a friend. They will be able to guide you in the right direc-
tion should you need more help and call an ambulance in an
emergency.
* See staff in the university health centre if you are worried
about yourself or a friends binge drinking ext: 9051
* Remember the role of your warden and for those in
manor park remember your manor park mentors
* For further advice and information take a look at the
drink aware website www.drinkaware.co.uk
* Look after each other! You would never want to be
Patrick or Patrick’s family or friends and I can promise you
that.
cheap ($600) compared to the tourist price of $170 for 3
days. People who worked on the ski resort itself would
get a free pass and all afternoon free to ski/snowboard.
My best memories though will be shared with all the other
travellers I got to meet from all over the world (there were
Chinese, Costa Ricans, Dutch, Australians and Sudanese
to name a few) as well as all the Canadians there. I haven’t
seen the last of them either as my travelling days have only
just begun and it’s all thanks to BUNAC help get me start-
ed- I’ll definitely be travelling with BUNAC every time.
Anyone interested in travelling: BUNAC are giving a
Work Canada presentation on Thursday 7th December
in Lecture Theatre M at 6pm. If you are looking at go-
ing somewhere other than Canada, there will be pres-
entations for other programmes next year. In the mean-
time, check out what’s on offer at www.bunac.org.uk.
 MORE, MORE, MORE...
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12 4 December 2006

Marmite & Road Rage:

It’s Room 101
All rise… for this edition sees barefacts Editor, Sophia Hawkins, will make an attempt to throw things into Room 101. Although when you receive an e-mail
with lines such as “Brat and Drast, I didnt put the thongs on…” it does make you wonder.
Although to her credit this was sent to me literally hours after Fetish Night.

People who stop right up my back- Exes

side at traffic lights
The Problem:
Confession: I am a REALLY bad driver, but it really annoys me when people park right
behind me at traffic lights… It makes me clam up and become weary of my driving. As a
result this makes me likely to stall or to roll back. So imagine the annoyance when drivers
do this, ON A HILL! This is quite simply the worst; I mean are they asking for me to hit
them? Sometimes I wonder how people pass their driving tests, I was always taught to stop
when you CAN see the car in front’s number plate, not when you’re so close you could
practically be making love to it. I demand all drivers who park too close to me at traffic
lights be banished to the murky pits of Room 101.
Room 101:
People stopping up your backside? Surely this is a question best posed to the agony aunts
(with the emphasis on agony by the sounds of it). If you had other drivers right behind you
on the motorway, I would say just lightly tap on the brakes for just a moment, they should
back off. However, if you are at traffic lights, it shouldn’t matter too much. Surely you drive
off forward from lights? And if they’re right behind you on a hill, perhaps they are posi-
tioned out of courtesy, so if you do roll back, it’s only a little way. Overeager drivERS STAY
OUT OF ROOM 101
The Problem:
Maybe we could even put relationships into this, the only reason why I’m not is because
at first a relationship is great. But it isn’t long before things turn sour, and whoops before
you know it you’re back on the shelf. And then just to top it off you go out and see your ex
with... oh, what’s that… a new partner. Damn them! All ex’s should be banished. I would
say to another planet or an Island but I like thinking that Room 101 will be the revenge they
deserve for making us sob into a tissue for weeks.
Room 101:
I don’t know of anyone who stayed with the first person they went out with. Ex-boyfriends
and ex-girlfriends are a part of life. Bear in mind, if you have an ex, then you are an ex as
well. So if I put exes into Room 101, then not only will you have go in there, but your ex will
be in there too. To save you from an eternity of awkward silences and the possible “sex with
your ex” syndrome (never good in hindsight), I’m not putting it in.
Marmite
The Problem:
Smells gross, makes me gag, looks minging and tastes of tar. Nuff said.

Razors Room 101:

I seem to be one of the few people in the world that actually bear apathy to marmite, so I
can’t really go either way. However, if you say it tastes like tar (how would you know?) then
The Problem:
it’s good enough for me. Marmite goes into Room 101. I predict a rise in lemon curd sales
You may think I’ve gone mad, that I am declaring I like the “Au Naturale” look, and walk
around with hair so long that a lawn mower couldn’t even get through it. This isn’t the case
but it seems every time I try and get rid of my unsightly hair the damn razor slices through
another piece of my skin. The way I see it is that if Razors were never invented then nor
would wax, and it would just be the norm to be hairy… Long live hairiness.

Room 101:
I’d like to use this opportunity to ask a question to every female reader who thought “Yeah,
if only we didn’t have shave our legs. It’s all because of men. Men are rubbish,” when they
read the above. Remember that guy you saw in the union that other night that you thought
was really fit? Now imagine him with a full-on bushy beard and (especially if he seems like
the guy who’d spend more time in the bathroom than you) a monobrow and hairy back. Not
so appealing, huh? And it’s not just about what someone else thinks. Don’t you feel better
about yourself too? In honour of the self-preservation society (not to be confused with the
self-appreciation society!) razors stay out of Room 101. Use a men’s razor. It’ll be cheaper
and safer

Socks
The Problem:
I hate socks. Can someone please tell me their use? All they
ever do is go missing, magically create holes in themselves
or smell so rotten they probably grow legs and walk on their
own, which is probably how they go missing in the first
place. And to make matters worse when they come out of the
tumble drier they are so hard and crusty they make my toes
curl with just the thought. I hear you cry their use is to keep
our tootsies warm on cold days, but well… inside that’s a job
for your slippers and outside for your shoes.
So just the one out of five for Soph. If you think you
can do better (and let’s be honest, you easily could),
then e-mail your suggestions to:
Room 101:
I shall tell you the reason behind socks. They are to stop your room101@gu2.co.uk.
shoes getting sweaty and smelly (if you change socks regu-
larly), and stop you getting blisters. The reason socks get If you don’t, I’ll make you live with Louis Walsh
smelly is because they go on your feet, and clearly aren’t for a week.
washed enough! As far as the holes go, that is annoying, but
clearly not enough to 101 them. Computer says no. Right, I’m off to pull Santa sleigh, she’s well fit…
baref
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4 December 200
20066
A Cracking Student Christmas
Well jingle my bells- it appears to be nearly Christmas time already.
Food Columnist and Deputy Editor, Toby Shannon, shows you how to cook up a storm on a
budget. Check out Toby’s Xmas Cocktails on page 25 to match.
The time of year has come again where, post-exams and pre-
hols, we can all get together again and relax. If you fancy
having a big meal together, there are several options you
could pursue- most of the restaurants on campus do a good
Christmas dinner or you could pop out into town and have
one there…
Or… You could always do it yourself…
“What sort of madness is this?!” You will undoubtedly be
saying. It doesn’t have to be a mammoth mission though- the
cost can be split between all the diners and if you make every-
one responsible for a little bit of the food, you probably won’t
have to orchestrate the whole thing from your mini-kitchen
and infuriate your housemates by taking over all of the pain-
fully limited workspace.
I suggest you split people into teams to take care of each bit
of the meal- Meat, potatoes & stuffing, veggies and pudding.
Let’s examine each of these later…
I will admit, this is not the most stimulating of dinners- if
you feel like adding your own personal touches, I strongly
suggest you do so. This is Student Christmas on a budget.
But even still, there’s nothing like having everyone sit down
together to enjoy a huge meal that you prepared as a team- it’s
a really fun way to end the term.
Soph’s Suggestions for spicing things up:
* Place bacon in a criss-cross design on top of the turkey be-
fore cooking, looks great, smells yummy, and because it’s ba-
con it tastes well... DELICIOUS!
* Carrots are great caramelised, don’t ask me how you do this,
I am no budding chef, just merely useful for ideas.
* You could make your own kilted sausages, by using not ba-
con (because you already have this on the turkey (you don’t
want to overload your guests with bacon goodness- save some
for boxing day bacon sarnies)) but by using parma ham in-
stead. Not much difference I know, but the ideas there any-
way... right?
* Potatoes, well, personally I prefer mashed potatoes with a
roast and with them you can really get adventurous. I once
made pea mash before which was great. But my personal fa-
vourite was swede and carrot. Orange mush has never been
so appealing.
* Add a pinch of herbs to well... everything! They look like
odd bits of bogey but they taste rather nice, and interestingly
enough spice things up a little bit.
Meat
Well… What do you fancy? If it is turkey you crave, may I
suggest a frozen joint rather than attempting to tackle a vast
FOOD
13
bird in a tiny oven. These are easily available from the su-
permarket and are quite reasonably priced and they serve 5-6
people. All you do is remove from box and fling into the oven.
Not too difficult.
Other alternatives include ready-cooked rotisserie chicken
(simply heat and serve) or perhaps a gammon joint.
Ah, the other bits- sausages wrapped in bacon [kilted sau-
sages?! I have never heard the term in my life!] and so forth.
These are also available from the supermarket freezer and
also just require flinging in oven.
Potatoes and stuffing
If you don’t feel up to the task of making your own roast
potatoes from scratch, you can just buy them frozen- again,
heat them up and away you go. Stuffing? Yes, you guessed
it, frozen again or you could get a packet mix and make it up
according to instructions.
I have also been informed that some like Yorkshire puddings
too. I suggest frozen- it’s a bit of effort to make these from
scratch and you’ll be opening and closing the oven a lot- the
little darlings won’t raise. Use your favourite frozen brand.
You know the one.
Veggies
I suggest a selection from the following- Carrots, Cabbage, Tesco Carrots 1 Kg Pack Class 1 £0.68
Peas, Brussels sprouts, and Parsnips etc etc… You [hope-
fully] know how to cook these- either peel/scrub/wash, cut
into chunks/slices and boil/steam/roast- I won’t go into details Pudding
here but either check on the packet or on the internet if you Tesco Classic Christmas pudding 454g £1.98
feel you need more help. Tesco Chocolate Sponge pudding 400g £1.99
Nestle After Eights 300g £2.66
Terry’s Plain Chocolate Orange 175g £1.96
Tesco Value Ready to Serve Custard 1kg £0.74
Pudding
Personally, I LOVE Christmas pudding but I know there are
those out there that do not. If you or your party fall into the Grand Total: £25.86
‘not’ category, may I suggest yummy chocolate Yule Log, Tri- Number of people [estimated] 6-8
fle, or one of the non-Christmas-pudding puddings that pop
up next to the puds in the supermarket [sticky toffee, choco-
late etc etc] with lashings of custard please. Don’t forget the Per person- About £3.25 each. Bargain!
chocolate orange.
All you need to do now is get some crackers, a couple of bot-
Unfortunately, you really have to do this as a group- more tles of wine and so forth! Enjoy!
than one oven will be required methinks and the sheer quanti- P.S- Don’t forget to do the washing up…
ty of saucepans, baking trays and plates required simply bog-
gle the mind- borrow a friend’s oven and make sure you’ve N.B. A Moral from Soph
got tons of cutlery.
I will tell you a story of my woe... because you see, here at
The Price barefacts we really do not want you to sue us for giving you
Ah, the price of the thing. food poisoning,
From Tesco.com: If you live on campus, as great as this is, the ovens are not
the best to be cooking vast bird joints. Last year, I decided to
be house mum and cook my starving student housemates a
Meat roast, complete with strawberry pavlova and a chocolate torte.
Tesco Turkey Breast Joint 2kg £7.00
It was rather yummy, which was amazing seeing as we were
Tesco Party 12 Kilted Sausages 340g x2 £3.00
munching our way through it at around 1.30 a.m (Ok, a slight
Bisto Turkey Gravy Granules 170g £0.78
exaggeration on my behalf, but you get my point) It took
b****y ages to cook... the packet helpfully told me it would
Potatoes and stuffing take 2 hrs to cook the bird... it may have been alive, I’m not
Tesco Roasting Potatoes 1kg £0.88 quite sure for it took somewhere near 7 hrs... Hmmmmm.....
Paxo Sage & Onion Stuffing Mix 340g £1.24 The moral of this story is simple... DO NOT LISTEN AND
Aunt Bessie’s 12y/Shire Pudding Batters 370g £1.29 ADHERE TO THE TIMES IT SAYS ON THE PACKAG-
ING. Always test your bird to see whether it’s A) Alive, B)
Veggies Moving or C) (and this is the most important) COOKED!!
Best way is to stab it with a knife and watch the juices flow...
Tesco Value Peas 1kg £0.64
Tesco Brussels Sprouts 500g £1.02 they should be clear.. and the meat should not be pink! Glad
we got that one sorted.

14
Your XXXmas Problems
The Agony Sisters are always here to listen to your woes. This issue they got a little kinky, hence why these problems
are X-Rated...Intrigued? Then read on!
Send your problems to: bf.features@surrey.ac.uk
Long Distance
Dear Agony Sisters,
I’ve been questioning my relationship lately. I’m a first year
and have a boyfriend at home, 4 hours away. So far I’ve
missed him so much but am handling it, but everyone keeps
telling me it won’t last and to enjoy my uni life. What should
I do?
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
Follow your heart. If you love him then ride it out, he may
be ‘the one’. If you can last the first year, you can survive
anything. However, you both need 100% trust because
otherwise always wondering what the other is up to will tear
you apart. But beware...sometimes distance can make the
heart wonder!
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
If you love him honey, stick with it. Who cares what everyone
else says they’re just jealous that they haven’t got the
relationship you have! At the end of the day 3years is a long
time and who knows whats gonna happen in the future but for
now, chill out, enjoy your uni life and have fun sending your
bloke dirty texts when you’re apart!
Violent Love
Dear Agony Sisters,
My boyfriend came home drunk the other night and
accused me of cheating because his friends had been
teasing him. When I denied it, he hit me. It’s the first time
anything like this had ever happened in 2 years, but I
don’t know whether to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I love him, and he’s really apologetic, but I’m not sure.
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
Violence is never the answer and should never be
tolerated. His friends don’t sound too nice either! If you
love him and can forgive him, maybe give it another
go, but I would leave him before it has a chance to
happen again. Everyone deserves better than finance.
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
That must have been some bender he was on with his mates! Its
easy for others to say dump him, and i’m sure if a mate was in
your position thats what you’d tell her to do but its not always
as simple as that. See if he’ll talk to his so called friends and
ask why they’re making up crap about you, and maybe ask
why he believed them instead of defending you. At the end of
the day there is NO excuse for hitting your girlfriend and only
you know whether you trust him enough not to do it again
One Minute
Wonder
NOT NEWS & MISC.
Dear Agony Sisters,
I need advice. I love my boyfriend and we’re perfect in every
way, except in the bedroom. Everytime we have sex, it doesn’t
last very long and I’m not getting much pleasure out of it. He’s
really embarrassed about it so please tell me how to make it better!
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
RUDE CONTENT ALERT! Firstly, take it as a compliment!
Second, there are plenty of solutions. Try using thicker
condoms, a cock ring (vibrating preferably!), giving him
a blowjob/handjob first, or just do it more often - the
more you do it, the longer it should last! If all that fails,
buy a vibrator and once he’s had his fun, you have yours!
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
Wow, go Sister Sophie! Sound advice there me thinks......but
one thing girls....always make sure you have your fun first! If
he’s getting a bit over excited get him to sort you out so you’ve
got a big grin on your face then, although slightly annoying if its
all over with in minutes, at least youre not left wanting! Also,
if he’s embarrarssed then he’s gonna get nervous and it’ll just
happen all the more. Maybe lay off the sex for a bit, concentrate
on foreplay and then when you’re both ready try again.
Christmas
Prezzies
Dear Agony Sisters,
I have absolutely no idea what to get my boyfriend
for Christmas! We’ve been together 3 years, but he
has no hobbies or anything so I have run out of ideas!
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
Well, almost everyone has a common hobby....sex! So get
yourself down to Ann Summers and buy something fun...
he’ll definitely appreciate it! If you’re not really into that
kind of thing, then maybe just let him pick something
himself by getting him vouchers for somewhere. It may seem
a cop-out, but at least then he can get something he wants.
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
Personally I’d just plain ask him what he wants. If he says he
doesn’t know then f**k it, spend the money on yourself luv!
Gay Worries
Dear Agony Sisters,
I am gay and am fully “out” with my friends at uni but as yet I
haven’t told my parents. I’d really like them to meet my partner this
xmas but I really dont know how to broach the subject!Any ideas?
Anon
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
Could be a tricky one this, have you talked to your partner
and other friends about how they told their parents about
barefacts
baref
4 December 2006
their feelings? Draw from others experiences and get advice.
At the end of the day, if you dont feel ready to come out
to your parents, could you maybe just bring your partner
home as a “friend”, that way they get to meet each other
without too many awkward questions. And if you get caught
snogging under the mistletoe just blame it on the drink!
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
Although it’s scary, you should really tell your parents about
your lifestyle, if nothing else but to get it over and done with
because you can’t live life in your parents’ closet forever!
Plus, it would be a great time for them to get to meet your
partner. It’s easy to say that if they love you they shall
except whatever you want to do, but sometimes it isn’t that
simple. Talk to your partner, maybe any brothers or sisters
you have, get their opinions and then just decide one way
or the other. But they are going to find out one day, and
better it comes from you than someone else. Good luck.
Help me Stop the
Xmas Bloat
Dear Agony Sisters,
I’ve been dieting for nearly a year now and am doing
really well, but my friends and family all say I’m getting
too thin. I really dont think i am amd just want to lose a
few more pounds! I’m quite concerned about the whole
festive period though as there are so many oppportunities
to eat and I dont want all my hard work to go to waste!
Sam
SISTER SAFFRON SAYS:
When you started your diet what was your goal weight? have
you reached this? And have you now set yourself more and
more goals? Being thin isn’t everything, I know what its like
to look in a mirror and just think how much better you would
look if you were that bit thinner but honestly your friends
and family see you from a more neutral perspective, if they
think youre getting too thin maybe you need to take a real
look at yourself! As for xmas food, if you really cant bear to
tuck in, just take a few pieces, not add sauces and cream and
the other trimmings, if you keep to the basic healthy eating
rules then you should be ok. Remember xmas is a time for
having fun, dont ruin yours just because you dont want to
put on weight.
SISTER SOPHIE SAYS:
Sister Saffron has pretty much summed it up and it’s
valuable advice. Christmas is a time for celebrating and
enjoying yourself and how can you do that constantly
worrying that that little glass of wine is going to go against
your new healthy habits! If worst comes to worst and you
cant resist, just stuff your face, enjoy it and begin again
on boxing day...just don’t get tempted by the left-overs!
Want to send the Sisters a Problem?
bf.features@surrey.ac.uk
baref
barefacts FETISH PICS
4 December 200
20066 15

Fetish
Night
17/11
2006
 COMMERCIAL BREAK
barefacts
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16 4 December 2006
baref
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4 December 200
20066
If you have bought an NUS Extra Card,
can you please URGENTLY pick it up this
weekin the Students Union Offices.
Please ask for Aaron Salins at Reception.
17
You can still BUY the NUS Extra Card
every Thursday and Friday
in the Students Union from 12pm till 2pm
The NUS Extra Card has over 800
nationwide discounts in the UK.
Is also twins up as an ISIC Card
entitling you to 35,000 discounts
worldwide too!!!
OUT THIS WEEK
OPENING TIMES NEW FOOD MENU
Monday to Friday 8.30AM | 11.00PM
Saturday | Sunday 10.00AM | 11.00PM
FOOD SERVING TIMES
Monday to Friday 8.30AM | 8.30PM
Saturday | Sunday 10.00AM | 4.45PM
 THE ENTS PLANNER
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18 4 December 2006

Remember to sign up to the Students’ Union

Newsletter & Grapevine at ussu.co.uk/grapevine!
December 4th - December 10th
Monday
Chancellors Cocktail Night
4th
t to
Tuesday r g e

5th
’t Fo
Don A Pen.
Bring
..
ll ll
Chance or’s Cha enge

Wednesday
Get Juiced Up in Rubix
6th

Thursday
Open Mic Night l l ors
7th in Chance

Friday R AV E
8th NIGHT

Saturday Chancellors Live Football

9th (Please ask Bar Staff for details)

Sunday
‘Sunday Night Live’
10th
baref
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4 December 200
20066 19
And now for something completely different...

UNION NEWS
Keeping you in touch with what goes on in your Union. This is your chance to
check things out, get involved and get connected.
CONTACT US -
Dear Students: KATHY JONES
Introducing the Union News, part of a brand new initiative by USSU, to keep you up to speed with what WELFARE SUPPORT COORDINATOR
KATHERINE.JONES@SURREY.AC.UK
goes on inside these offices, and issues that concern you during your time at UniS. This will also keep
you informed with how to get involved and get your voices heard. In this issue, you’ll find several hot
topics, including issues at the now legendary ‘Manic Park’, and the coming of the festive season. We’ve PAUL COWARD,
got letters written by your President, Greg Scott, on your behalf. What’s more, we’ve got up and com- ACADEMIC SUPPORT COORDINATOR
ing campaigns and you’ll find several hints at a brand new Union publication, coming soon to the campus. P.COWARD@SURREY.AC.UK

Keep your ears to the ground, because there will soon be an even bigger, even better, publication by the Union. It’s HELEN JACKSON
called the Onion, and it’s coming to a grocery market stall near you. It will also be distributed around the campus COMMUNITY DEVELOPMENT
(with or without other vegetation), and we’re looking forward to checking out your thoughts and comments on COORDINATOR
our efforts. The Onion will be… er… springing into action soon enough, and so these pages are by way of a warm H.JACKSON@SURREY.AC.UK
up. Take note of anything that catches your eye here, because there are always plenty of ways you can be an active
member of the USSU, broaden your horizons and generally make yourselves part of your student community. LAURAN CARTER
INFORMATIONCOORDINATOR

Love, The Union L.CARTER@SURREY.AC.UK

Something Kinda SSHH! realise that no, it is in fact not ‘raining men’, nor one thing (and I might just be living on a prayer),
is anyone ‘jumping on your tu-tu’… it’s just some but consider your sober neighbours the next time
over-excited folks on their way home from a club. you’re struggling home with your mates. Consider
So, what’s the solution for the CTD sufferer? Well, the catchy tune disease victims. And do what you
probably hop back into bed and wait for the noise to can to… shh!
die down, or go downstairs and finish
that takeaway, right? No, my friends,
that’s just wishful thinking. There is no
known cure for ‘catchy tune disease’,
and for those of us that have a 9am
start, a serious bout of ‘catchy tune’ can
ruin an entire day. Imagine then, that
you have a fulltime job or a young fam-
We’ve all had one of those days when we can’t ily, or both. For these sufferers, Ches-
seem to get the latest annoying chart-topper out of ney Hawks is really not the ‘one and
our heads. Whether you end up humming the latest only’, and neither are the small minor-
Girls Aloud tune while you’re attempting to reduce ity of revellers who wake them up each
that pile of washing-up, or you find yourself sing- morning. For these innocent people,
ing that new one by Take That in the shower (when ‘catchy tune’ disease has developed
you don’t even like it, honest), you’re bound to be into something far worse – plain old
a victim of ‘catchy tune disease’ (or CTD) at some noise pollution.
point. Imagine your horror then, if, after a long day
of lectures, and a long evening of endless whistling Let’s face it – without a lot of beverages
and humming, you’re woken in the early hours by in your system, you’d probably never
a very poor-man’s ‘Girls Aloud’, or a rather bat- dream of showing anyone the way to
tered ‘Weather Girls’, trawling through your neigh- Amarillo at the top of your voice at 3
bourhood booming your song of choice at the top in the morning, but seeing as you’re not
of their lungs. You glance out of the window and going to remember it the next day, why
not have a go? To this, I can only say

20 Letter concerning Manor Park
30th November 2006
Mr. G. Melly
Director of Corporate Services Union House,
University of Surrey The University of Surrey
Guildford, GU2 7XH
Tel : (01483) 689223
Dear Greg, Fax: (01483) 534749
www.ussu.co.uk
We have discussed on many occasions the student satisfaction with their accommodation at
Manor Park and, unfortunately, the issue of accurate compensation for their dissatisfaction
has still gone unresolved. Even now in Week 13 of the semester, I continue to receive com-
plaints and concerns from students regarding the situation on that campus.
On the 14th of September, the problems that students at Manor Park were facing came to
light in a serious way with a presentation and over 50 students raising their concerns at an
open meeting at the Varsity Centre. Richard Paxton attended and was applauded for his ef-
forts in doing his best to help with every situation as it arose, but it was evident that many
of the problems faced at this stage were well beyond his control and posed a serious issue to
student comfort and, more importantly, student safety.
After continued delays in progress and no completion date in sight, I met with you directly
on the 11th of October to re-raise these concerns and express how the initial offer of com-
pensation (£50 off a bus pass, £50 cash or a free UniSPORT Gold Card) was not sufficient
to compensate for the problems that students were having. It was at this meeting that I
proposed to you a more appropriate compensation that would (at that time) appease most
students in their situation and was tiered to give additional consideration to those who had
dealt with the worst of the problems: the Pioneers. This suggestion was as follows:
50% rent compensation for Week 1
(Students moving in before the end of Week 1: 10th of September)
25% rent compensation for Week 2
Free Gold Card or £50 off a bus pass or £50 cash for Week 3
10% rent compensation for each week thereafter until construction comple-
tion
After continued construction and the addition of problems such as central heating mal-
function, delayed staircase painting, student displacement on several days, continued noise
30 November 2006
Mr Greg Scott
President, Students’ Union Mr. G. Melly
University of Surrey Director of
Corporate Services
Dear Greg, University of Surrey
Guildford, GU2 7XH
Manor Park
Thank you for your letter of today. This was timely as we had already agreed, at the senior
management level, to make a significant payment to recognise the support that we had re-
ceived from Manor Park residents over the past few months.
We will be thanking them for their understanding of the issues that have been experienced
with Manor Park, and advising them that we will be paying them a sum of money equivalent
to 10% of their rent paid for the entire first semester. (Where rents are in arrears the 10% will
be deducted from the amount owing).
The letter to the students is due to go out today, with the cheque payment being made before
the students break for Christmas.
The Manor Park project has been a major one with tight timescales and high expectations.
We would expect with all new buildings, some level of remediation and small scale build-
ing works to continue after the main construction period has been completed. However, the
university does accept that in this instance the level of remediation and building works was
higher than we would normally expect, and we were all unhappy with the way that this af-
fected the residents, especially in September.
By October the works had settled down, the main issues had mostly been addressed and we
were able to move the builders onto a shift pattern that was more conducive to comfortable
living. Since then there has continued to be some activity, though at less obvious levels. It
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4 December 2006
issues early in the mornings and late at night, etc. a follow-up meeting was scheduled for
the 2nd of November by myself for Pioneer resident Bud Goswami to re-present to you the
same presentation given back in September. Unfortunately, this presentation raised issues
that you were previously unaware of (such as the severity of the lack of mobile phone cov-
erage and VOIP/networking problems), thereby further delaying the resolution of some of
the initial problems brought forth 2 months earlier. Again, this more accurate compensation
package was brought back to the table as a method of compensation more reflective of the
issues faced by students, but no action was taken.
Then, I was invited to yet another meeting on the 16th of November to discuss the contin-
ued problems at Manor Park, as well as the newly discovered issues of central heating and
localised radiator temperature control, continued student displacement, bicycle storage, etc.
Yet again, my proposal was discussed, but I was asked to go back again and put formally in
writing my proposal for compensation that is more fair to students and the problems they
continue to face.
Unfortunately, as time has passed and additional problems have arisen, I feel that my initial
suggestion may no longer truly reflect what students felt was reasonable several months ago
when it was first proposed due to the additional unexpected issues that have come up. The
students of Manor Park are tired of the false promises of completion dates that come and go
without notice or explanation. They are currently paying rents in the highest bracket avail-
able at the university, but are receiving the worst treatment… and this can go on no longer.
The residents of Manor Park deserve to live in the peace and comfort of “their home away
from home”. They deserve more accurate compensation that is reflective of the difficulties
they are going through while living on this construction site. And more importantly, they
deserve to live in a safe and comfortable “home away from home” while striving to earn a
university degree.
I look forward to your swift response regarding my proposal for fair and just compensation
for Manor Park residents.
Sincerely,
Gregory P. Scott
Students’ Union President
cc: Vice Chancellors
Mr. Roger Stickland, Business Support
Mr. Richard Paxton, Accomodation
is important that we all realise that there will continue to be some activity to correct minor
faults and improve matters, such as heating.
The residents of Manor Park have been understanding and helpful both in highlighting is-
sues and in working well with the Manor Park staff team, and I would like to express my
appreciation for that very positive support. The team have been operating under difficult
circumstances often under great pressure; the co-operation of the residents has therefore
been of particular value.
With kind regards
Greg Melly
Director of Corporate Services
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4 December 200
20066
Paul’s Guide on How to Survive Xmas
Does the mere thought of Christmas make u clam up and shake as if it were a nightmare? Then don’t worry,
Paul Coward, RAWU’s Academic Support Coordinator is here to offer an ear and a friendly hand...
Picture the scene, children with rosy cheeks gath-
ering round a roaring open fireplace, smiling par-
ents embracing as the snow falls outside, grand-
dad rocking in his rocking chair guffawing with
laughter and grandma taking another cheeky swig
from the sherry and in the distance the sound
of sleigh bells drifts off faintly into the night.
But in reality for a lot of people Christmas can be an
absolute nightmare; watching endless re-runs of the
same old movies, being forced to play inane board
games with uncles and aunties you barely know or
hardly ever see, whilst you watch your family fall
apart through a combination of alcohol and old feuds
that always come out the closet at this time of year.
Scrooge!!! I hear you cry, well no that’s not what
I’m aiming for here at all, like the ghosts of
Christmas past I am here to show you how you
can make the season of good will work for you.
I have chosen few key areas that if you get right
will make your Christmas one to remember rath-
er than one to condemn to the rubbish bin of life.
One of the biggest obstacles that we all have to
overcome during this season is the mountain of
food thrust at us by gleeful friends and family who
have spent the most part of the previous days pre-
paring various nibbles, mouth-watering appetisers
and darkly devious chocolate treats, temptation
overload, calorie explosion and heart failure! Well it
doesn’t have to be a nightmare, remember you have
more than one day to shovel all these delights into
your willing mouth, pace yourself throughout the
day, for instance if you have to wait till late after-
21
noon for the big dinner make sure you have a good created, allowing you to take incriminating photo-
breakfast that will stop you gorging on Christmas graphs that you can use for bribery at a later date.
treats all day, also you’ll enjoy it more, you wont
have to force yourself to eat that last roast potato. Dad ; Sorry Jane I can’t afford to spend that much
Equally you don’t want to be eating turkey sand- on a car for you.
wiches for the rest of the month so you must try
and save room for the main event, make the treats Jane ; This photo says otherwise!!
last because your miss them when they are gone!!
To sum up I think the best advice I can give you
You may have to learn how to fake surprise and joy is be open minded because you know that some
when you receive a present that you neither want parts of Christmas can be enjoyable and hilari-
or desire but one that is thrust eagerly towards you ous, whereas some part are really uncomfortable
from your Grandparent who thinks that long-johns and cringe-worthy and at the end of the day if
are still the height of fashion and has decided to knit you are not happy with your Christmas you need
your name into the crotch just for that extra Xmas to take control of it and flip the script so that you
magic, so make sure you take some time out in the are leading the activities, don’t get swept along by
lead up to Xmas so you can practise and perfect the usual wave if its not working. Its either that
your fake smile in front of the mirror, trust me its or swipe your dads collection of spirits and let
worth it as it will not upset anyone who thinks they the alcohol give your Christmas that extra shine.
know you well but actually couldn’t be more wrong.
Whether you go home for Christmas or stick around
Do something different this year, if in previous years and celebrate with friends remember that this is
you have been shy of the events going on around your one chance of
you throw yourself in and make yourself the cen- the year to let people
tre of attention, this action will have twofold effect know how much they
first of all it will make you look at things differently mean to you and also
infiltrating the inner circle of the normal mundane to celebrate relation-
family Christmas will challenge your relatives to ships and friendships
up their game and instead of the normal charades that really matter to
and talking old toot you may be able to get granny us, so don’t miss the
on the twister mat and your dad on the Karaoke. boat and jump aboard
This action may seem a little kamikaze at first but if the Christmas express,
you manage to inspire the rest of your clan to party hold on tight and I’ll see
hard by the time they are in full swing you can take you at the other end!!
a back seat again and enjoy watching the chaos you

Charity Mobile Phone Collection

For National Aids Trust
Calling all Staff & Students
USSU have teamed up with ‘Fones’ 4 Schools’ be doing your bit for the environment. Fone’s 4
and are running a mobile phone collection Schools will donate £300 for every 200 handsets
in aid of the National Aids Trust. The collec- collected, plus an extra £50 just for us taking part.
tion will take place from Friday 1st Decem-
ber (World Aids Day) - Friday 7 December. So please rummage through your draws
or ask friends and family if they have old
Collection boxes will be set up in the Union (of- mobile phones to donate, this is a fan-
fice foyer), library, Management School Foyer tastic opportunity to help a very worthy
& Lecture Theatre Concourse. So please look cause without having to spend any money!
out for them over the collection period & drop
off any old and unwanted mobile handsets.
Handsets will be recycled and used for parts,
so as well as helping raise some money you’ll HELEN JACKSON
 Campaigners Wanted
The RAWU is looking for a faithful following
of dynamic, diverse and dedicated individuals.
Captain Apathy needs you!! Our mission is to combat student apathy and you
can sign up to be one of the soldiers of fortune and
Captain Apathy in association with the Friends of help us raise awareness and fight the good fight.
RAWU brings you the campaign team for 2006/07 Just to stoke your fires in advance the areas that we
year at surrey. will be focusing on for this coming term are sexual
health and wellbeing, mental health awareness and
You may have heard the whispers in corridors and abolishing apathy.
lecture theatres, you may have seen the headlines If you are interested in signing up to become a
in the cheesy tabloids, and you may have read the fully qualified and valued member of the RAWU
writing scrawled on the back of the cubicle door, campaign team contact Captain Apathy himself @
look no further for the truth will now be revealed. p.coward@surrey.ac.uk

Catch the Hottest Show in Town

Guildford HEAT – Guildford’s Pro Basketball Team

Exclusive ticket price for University of Surrey Students and Staff!!

Tickets: £5.00
(Includes free return bus travel to the Spectrum Arena)

NEXT HOME GAME:

Saturday 9th December

Vs
Milton Keynes Lions

Tip-Off 7.00pm
baref
barefacts THE ENTS PLANNER
4 December 200
20066 23
Here are the Opening Times for Chancellors Bar during Christmas.
23rd, 27th, 28th and 29th of DECEMBER - 10.00am till 4.00pm
2 4 t h , 2 5 t h , 2 6 t h , 3 0 t h , 3 1 s t D E C E M B E R – C LO S E D
1 s t J a n u a r y 2 0 0 7 – C LO S E D & 2 n d J a n u a r y 2 0 0 7 - O P E N A S U S U A L

December 11th - December 17th

Monday
Chancellors Cocktail Night
11th

Tuesday Tickets ON SALE

in the Union Shop
12th

Wednesday
‘Av e I t featuring T H E B E AT F R E A K Z
13th

Thursday
Open Mic Night in Chance l l ors
14th

Friday Xmas Flirt

15th with Scott Mills

Saturday Chancellors Live Football

16th (Please ask Bar Staff for details)

Sunday GO HOME!!
17th
 SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY
24
BY ALAN TERRY
SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY EDITOR
Pandemics
AN EPIDEMIC IS an outbreak of an infectious disease. A pan-
demic is an epidemic that spreads worldwide, or at least
across a large region. An important cause of pandemics has
been the domestication of animals. Virulent agents in animals
can mutate and spread to people. When such agents can then
be transmitted from person to person, a pandemic may occur.
Some historical pandemics & notable epidemics
Peloponnesian War, 430 BC. Typhoid fever killed a quarter of
the Athenian troops and a quarter of the population of Athens
over four years. This disease fatally weakened the dominance
of Athens. It did not spread to a wider region because it killed
off people in the city faster than they could spread it beyond.
The cause of the disease was unknown for many years. Teeth
recovered from a mass grave underneath the city were analysed
by researchers at the University of Athens in January 2006 who
confirmed the presence of bacteria responsible for typhoid.
Antonine Plague, 165-180. In Roman times there was an out-
break of a horrible disease, now believed to have been smallpox
brought back from the Near East. It killed a quarter of those in-
fected and up to 5 million in all. At the height of a second outbreak
(251-266), 5000 people a day were said to be dying in Rome.
Plague of Justinian, started 541. The first recorded out-
break of the bubonic plague. It began in Egypt and reached
Constantinople (now Istanbul) the following spring, kil-
ing (according to the Byzantine chronicler Procopius)
10,000 a day at its height and perhaps 40 percent of the
city’s inhabitants. It went on to eliminate up to a quar-
ter of the human population of the eastern Mediterranean.
The Black Death, started 1300s. Eight hundred years after
the last outbreak, the bubonic plague returned to Europe.
Is there a Santa Claus? A Physicist’s View
BY ANNE ABEYGUNASEKERA
Consider the following:
1) So far no scientist has been able to find a reindeer
that can fly. But then there are 300,000 species of liv-
ing organisms yet to be classified so this doesn’t rule out
the flying reindeer, even though most of these are in-
sects and germs. May be Santa can clarify this with us
someday as he is the only one to see the super reindeer.
2) There are 2 billion children who are under 18 in the
world. But as Santa doesn’t look into children of other re-
ligions, his work load [ which is distribution of presents, re-
member elves are there to make them!] is reduced to 15%
of the total. That is 378 million according to the Population
Reference Bureau. The census has shown an average of
3.5 children per house, that’s 91.8 million homes. One pre-
sumes there’s at least one good child in each. Bless the rest!
3) Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the
earth Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with. We are
assuming that he travels from east to west. We of course have
given him the benefit of the doubt that he is a logical thinker.
Starting in Asia, the disease reached the Mediterranean
and western Europe in 1348 (possibly from Italian mer-
chants fleeing fighting in the Crimea), and killed twenty
million Europeans in six years, a quarter of the total popu-
lation and up to a half in the worst-affected urban areas.
Cholera. Seven pandemics of this disease have been rec-
ognised, the first five occurring in the nineteenth cen-
tury, the last two in the twentieth. India, China, and
Russia have been the worst affected, with advances in
public health affording protection to Europe and North
America. The most recent outbreak was in the 1960s.
Influenza. There have been numerous major outbreaks of
influenza, the most severe being the “Spanish Flu” of 1918-19
which spread to all continents and killed an estimated 25 mil-
lion people in only six months. It ended nearly as quickly as it
began, vanishing completely within 18 months. It is believed
that roughly 17 million died in India alone. Other influenza
outbreaks include the “Asiatic Flu” of 1889-90, the “Asian
Flu” of 1957-58, and the “Hong Kong Flu” of 1968-69.
Typhus. This disease is notable for its pattern of ravaging army
camps or spreading in cramped conditions in jails, ships, or con-
centration camps. It played a major role in the destruction of Na-
poleon’s Grande Armee in Russia in 1812 and killed thousands
of prisoners in Nazi concentration camps during World War II.
Effects of colonisation. Encounters between European ex-
plorers and populations in the rest of the world often introduced
local epidemics of extraordinary virulence. Disease killed the
entire native population of the Canary Islands in the sixteenth
century. Outbreaks of smallpox and measles were highly signif-
icant in European colonisation of Central and South America.
Unknown diseases. There are a number of extreme-
ly serious diseases that have now vanised, so that we
are not in a position to identify them. The cause of the
“English Sweat” in sixteenth century England, which
struck people down in an instant and was more greatly
This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This implies that
for every home with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a
second to do his Christmas duty(ies). So withint 1/1000th of
a second he has to park, hop out of the sleigh, slide down the
chimney[with his belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly],
fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under
the tree, eat cookies, drink the milk, climb up the chimney,
jump back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly dis-
tributed around the earth (Though the assumption is completely
false, we accept it to make our life easier), this comes to .78 miles
per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting
stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours.
This means that Santa’s sleigh is moving at 650 miles
per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. It is im-
portant to note that a conventional reindeer can run,
tops, 15 miles per hour, but of course we have to keep
in mind that Santa’s reindeers are of a special kind.
4) Another interesting element is the payload on the sleigh.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-
sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons.
This is not counting Santa, who is invariably over-
weight and is yet to consider Atkins low carb diets.
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4 December 2006
feared even than the bubonic plague, is still unknown.
Current and possible future pandemics
HIV/AIDS can currently be considered a global pan-
demic, although it is most extensive in southern and east-
ern Africa. An estimated 40 million people in the world
are HIV positive, 25 million in sub-Saharan Africa. Also,
25 million people have already died from AIDS-related ill-
nesses. There is no cure and it continues to spread in all
continents. It can only be transferred in limited ways (prin-
cipally sex), so education provides a form of control.
There are highly contagious and deadly diseases with the po-
tential to become pandemics, such as Lassa fever, Rift Valley
fever, Ebola virus, and Bolivian haemorrhagic fever. Anti-bi-
otic resistant superbugs may also revive diseases previously
regarded as “conquered”. There is moreover much speculation
as to a possible avian influenza pandemic (“bird flu”) although
it has yet to prove itself beyond isolated cases. Close monitor-
ing of those diseases with the potential to cause global disas-
ters is warranted, as is the preparation of public health emer-
gency plans. Much more needs to be done to tackle HIV/AIDS.
This has not perhaps been the most uplifting of arti-
cles but I hope, nonetheless, that it has been instructive.
Sources of information
1) WHO (World Health Organisation) website (http://www.
who.int/en/)
2) Flu Pandemic Checklist (http://www.emaxhealth.com/fo-
rums/viewtopic.php?t=2158)
3) Wikipedia webpage “Pandemic” (http://en.wikipedia.
org/wiki/Pandemic)
A conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300
pounds, on land. Even granting that ‘flying reindeer’ is
able to pull ten times the normal amount, it is impossi-
ble do the job with eight, or even nine. Therefore 214,200
reindeers are needed. This increases the payload - not
even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
5) A huge amount of air resistance is created when 353,000
tons travelling at 650 miles per second. The first pair of the
reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy/ Per sec-
ond/ Each. Which will heat up the reindeers instantaneously
and burst them into flames exposing the next pair whilst creat-
ing a deafening sonic booms in their wake. Within 4.26 thou-
sandths of a second the entire reindeer team will be vaporized.
Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forc-
es 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound
Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned
to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christ-
mas Eve, he’s dead now. So I guess there won’t be any presents
this Christmas, unless of course God replaces Santa every year!
Ref: SPY Magazine (January, 1990)
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4 December 200
20066
Gene Doping
An undetectable new threat to Sport?
BY ANTHONY HANSON
SPORT EDITOR
IN 1998, THE press seized upon the work of H. Lee Sweeney’s
which proved gene therapy could enhance mouse muscle. At
the conclusion of his initial research he was inundated with
correspondence from individuals interested in the possibili-
ties his work offered. Some come to him in the hope that
Sweeney can stave off or reverse their muscle degeneration
caused by dystrophy or simple aging. However, about half of
the communication comes from healthy individuals - weight
lifters, sprinters; indeed, athletes of all types. These individu-
als came in the hope of bigger, higher-performing muscles.
The requests from healthy athletes “really caught me
off guard,” says Sweeney, a physiology professor at the
University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Sweeney
found himself in the centre of what could become the
sports world’s next serious dilemma: should gene en-
hancement be allowed for athletes attempting to improve
their performance? And if not, how can it be prevented?
Gene doping is defined by the World Anti-Doping Agen-
cy (WADA) as “the non-therapeutic use of cells, genes,
genetic elements, or of the modulation of gene expres-
sion, having the capacity to improve athletic performance”.
It is believed that in the future, gene doping could provide
Egg Nog
Christmas Cocktails
As we all know, egg nog is half egg,
half nog. What most people don’t realise how-
ever, is that egg nog is actually an anagram of ‘No Eggg’.
Presumably the extra g is to emphasise the lack of eggs. I was
bitterly disappointed to find this out.
Oh wait; it does have eggs in it. I will admit, I haven’t had
the courage to make this myself but it seems to have a rather
huge following on t’other side of the pond so it must have
some kind of merit… Hopefully the cooking process cooks
the egg but be sensible in who you serve it to. Probably serves
5-6 people.
Ingredients:
2 pints whole milk,
6 eggs,
50g caster sugar,
1 vanilla pod, split,
200ml brandy,
cocoa powder/nutmeg for dusting.
Place the milk, eggs, sugar and vanilla pod in a pan and heat
carefully, without letting it boil, until the mixture thickens
enough to coat the back of a spoon [should be a thick, creamy
consistency].
Chill it now [or apparently you could have it hot but I person-
ally can’t think of many things more revolting] until you’re
SPORTS SCIENCE
patients with synthetic genes that that will last for years, of-
fering a competitive advantage, such as genes that increase
muscle mass, blood production, or endurance. The products
of gene doping would be proteins similar, if not identical,
to the body’s versions and would only be generated locally
in the affected tissue and would therefore be less detect-
able in an athlete than performance-enhancing drugs such
as steroids and insulin. For example, biotech corporations
are already in the process of developing therapies to increase
red blood cell production, which would raise the amount of
oxygen delivered to cells. In theory, this could be used to
artificially boost the aerobic ability of healthy people. Noth-
ing unusual enters the bloodstream, so officials will have
nothing to detect in a blood or urine test. Consequently,
rules against gene doping might be difficult to enforce.
WADA President Richard Pound believes that “gene therapy
represents an exciting and promising step forward in medical
research, but its use to enhance athletic ability is as wrong as
any type of traditional doping”. Allied to this, the untested
nature of many gene technologies means they could pose se-
rious threat to the safety of these sportspeople. WADA have
set up a gene doping panel and have already asked scientists
to help find ways to prevent gene therapy from becoming
the latest method of doping. The first product to be asso-
ciated with gene doping emerged towards the approach of
ready to serve it.
Put a quantity of brandy in each glass and add the nog. Dust
with cocoa or nutmeg and enjoy in front of a roaring log fire.
Mulled Wine
For when you want to spend the festive season in a spices-
induced, alcohol-assisted coma. If this seems like hard work,
I’m pretty sure you can get pre-blended mulled wine spice
mixes- just grab one of those and follow the instructions.
Makes… about a litre…
Ingredients:
1 litre cheap red wine,
75g sugar (or to taste),
1 tsp whole cloves,
1 tsp ground cinnamon or stick cinnamon,
Juice of 1 orange and 1 lemon.
Pour wine into a saucepan and add the other remaining ingre-
dients and then heat until nearly boiling, give it a taste and
check all is how it should be. Once it’s hot, strain into some
kind of warmed serving receptacle. Give it to Aunty Mavis.
Bloody Mary Shots
The original hair-of-the-dog. Enjoy the morning after or eve
the night before. Admittedly, this can be a bit of an acquired
taste.
25
the Torino 2006 Olympic Winter Games, where repoxygen
was discussed as a possible substance in use at the Games.
Thomas Murray, chairman of WADA’s ethics panel, be-
lieves gene doping crosses an ethical line. “The traditional
draw of athletics,” he says, “is the combination of an ath-
lete’s natural talents with complementary virtues such
as determination and discipline…When we think about
the meaning of sports, these days, it’s about natural tal-
ents and virtues. I can’t tell you what your grandchil-
dren and great-grandchildren will believe, but I hope that
there will still be meaning in perfecting natural abilities.”
Sources
http://www.sciencenews.org/articles/20041030/bob9.asp
www.wikipedia.org
http://www.the-scientist.com/news/display/23101/
Ingredients:
Makes 10 Shots or so
75ml Vodka- Put it in the freezer- it shouldn’t freeze,
125ml Tomato juice, chilled
Juice of 1 lime,
A good shake of Tabasco sauce- to taste,
1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce.
Mix all the ingredients for the shots together in a jug and keep
in the fridge till you’re ready to serve them. Pour into the shot
glasses and top with some freshly ground black pepper.
Champagne Cocktail
For when you’re feeling festively flash. The ultimate in deca-
dence.
Ingredients:
Per glass
1 sugar lump,
3 drops of Angostura Bitters,
½ Shot of Brandy,
Chilled Champagne.
Put the sugar lump in a champagne flute or whatever is handy.
Shake the bitters over the sugar lump and add the brandy.
Pour over the champagne and feel decidedly posh.
Check out Toby’s Xmas Dinner on page 13 (Unlucky for
some but not for you)
 barefacts
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4 December 2006
We’re currently looking for an Editor for the Postgraduate
section of the paper! In the meantime, any contributions
should be sent directly to ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk

Online Petition for Students

Loans Scheme for Postgrads
Some guidance for the
Petition calling for extension of student loans scheme
for
postgraduates in line with existing policy and linked to

prospective taught postgraduate

the
meeting
the NPC and NUS had with Bill Rammell.

student
There is an enormous variety and type of Masters course
available (not to mention postgraduate diplomas and
certificates). Therefore it is vital to find out all you can
about the course before applying. In particular, consider
whether it is the right sort of course (conversion, spe-
cialisation, vocational) and the right level for your needs:
* Are you qualified for the course? You may need to take a
conversion course first.
* Are you more than qualified for the course? Your own
experience may get you an exemption from parts of it.
* How many staff teach on the course? You may find that
more than one staff member teaching jointly enhances the
quality and variety of expertise. That said, having one staff
member with overall responsibility might well be better
than more than one, since more might lead to failure of
communication and avoidance of responsibility.
* What does the course include? Find out what are the
units which are available and see whether you can ad-
equately cover what you are interested in.
* How is the course assessed?
* Are all the advertised modules available each year?
* How freely available and flexible are the modules? Can
you take the combinations that you want?
* Does the course include undergraduate level modules? If so,
in which year are the undergraduates and what related courses
have they previously studied? What proportion of the course
is made up of modules taught jointly with undergraduates?
* If the course includes a six-month, industry related
project, how good is the department’s track record in plac-
ing students in industry?
* Are exams and assessed work marked anonymously?
In selecting a suitable department you might want to
consider the size of the department and how many students
and staff are involved in your course.
* Are you assigned a counsellor or second, or ‘personal’,
tutor and would they be a course tutor or someone who
knows the course?
* What was the department’s results in the relevant Teach-
ing Quality Assessment survey?
BY EWAN GILLON AND JEREMY HOAD
www.npc.org.uk
If you are able to please sign up and please pass on the
link to all
who would wish to sign up.
http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/Postgrad-Loans/
Higher Education contributes to the development of
individuals and
society. We believe that extending the Student Loans
Scheme to
postgraduates, thereby allowing students to defer the
current up-front cost of postgraduate study, will benefit
those undertaking
postgraduate study and society through those able to
access funding. A deferred payment scheme would sup-
port those not able to obtain funding and support the
completion of postgraduate study for those who wish to
undertake it.
SIMON P FELTON
GENERAL SECRETARY
NATIONAL POSTGRADUATE COMMITTEE
baref
barefacts HOROSCOPES
4 December 200
20066 27

Xmas Gift Ideas Vibrating Heart Soap

One for the adults among us... definatetly not something to

give to your 10 year old sister!!!

Buy these from: WWW.THE-INSPIRATIONS-STORE.

COM

For only £6.95 you can put a buzz into bath time with this
vibrating heart soap! For adults only!

Wind-Up Grannies
Features
3-D Drawing pad and Glasses
SET OF 2 WIND-UP GRANNIES.
CLASHING OUTFITS, SILVER HAIR, DROOPY BREASTS AND A SNAZZY
This set will really freak you out! Write something on the
ZIMMERFRAME.
special paper, put on the glasses and see the lines float off the
ADJUSTABLE ARMS SO THE GRANNIES CAN BE IN ‘STAND-UP’ MODE
page! Not to be taken lightly after a few drinks!
OR BENT TO ‘RACE’ MODE.
MADE OF PLASTIC.
Buy this from: www.gadgetshop.com for £4.95
PRESENTED IN AN ILLUSTRATED BOX WITH WITTY CAPTIONS.
SUITABLE FOR AGES 8 YEARS+.
SIZE: - INDIVIDUAL GRANNY: 8 X 6 X 4CM
PRESENTATION BOX: 15.5 X 11.5 X 7CM.

The Shitmit
Buy these from: WWW.IWANTONEOFTHOSE.COM/
RACING-GRANNIES
For the practical jokers among us, this is a novelty idea, and
perfect for students who complain about the price of loo roll.
For only £7.95 this little pair is a bargain! Hours of fun to be
had with these little beauties! Apparently, the older you are,
Buy this from: www.shitmit.org for a bargain £4.99
the funnier you’ll find them!

Xmas Stars
Aries
(March 21 - April 20)
“Chestnuts roasting on an open
fire...” Tis the season to be jolly
but don’t go about pulling too
many pranks, (or pulling too
many dodgy peeps either
come to that), or you may find
it’s your chestnuts, or female
equivalent, being roasted!
Lucky Object: A Star
Lucky Day: Saturday
Taurus
(April 21 - May 20)
“Xmas time, mistletoe and
wine…” Go out and enjoy your-
selves you lucky people you!
Snogs aplenty await you under
that mistletoe. Just make sure
you buy some to stand under
or you might have a slight
problem!
Lucky Object: Mistletoe, (obvi-
ously!)
Lucky Day: Wednesday
Gemini
(May 21 - June 20)
“Deck the halls with boughs of
holly” Have fun tra la la-ing this
xmas there’s no better excuse
for getting pissed but beware
of getting “decked” yourself if
you cant hold your drink ok?
Lucky Object: A Cracker
Lucky Day: Tuesday
Cancer
(June 21 - July 20)
“Away in a manger…” Found
yourself waking up in a strange
bed before now? Be warned,
take precautions if you know
what I mean, you don’t wanna
be left holding the baby!
Lucky Object: A Balloon
Lucky Day: Friday
Leo
(July 21 - August 20)
“Hark the herald angels sing…”
Karaoke could be your forte
this month, don’t worry if you
cant sing in tune everyone else
will be so drunk too they won’t
notice, trust me!
Lucky Object: A Microphone
Lucky Day: Monday
Virgo
(August 21 - September 20)
“Oh come all ye faithful…” Trust
people a little more this time
of year all you Virgo’s out there,
put old squabbles aside and
spread the festive joy that little
bit further. Yay!!!!
Lucky Object: Fairy Dust
Lucky Day: Sunday
Libra
(September 21 - October 20)
“I’m dreaming of a white Christ-
mas…” Aren’t we all my dears,
aren’t we all. Sadly we can’t
all get what we want all of the
time, so just be pleased with
what you do have. Remember;
I never did mind about the little
things!
Lucky Object: A Snowman
Lucky Day: Thursday
Scorpio
(October 21 - November 20)
“Rudolf the red nose rein-
deer…” Realise not everyone
can look as good as you. Don’t
judge a book by its cover, ok?
There’s hidden depths to every-
one. Find them!
Lucky Object: A Mirror
Lucky Day: Saturday
Sagittarius
(November 21 - December
20)
“Jingle bells, jingle bells…” Be
careful not to overspend this
Christmas. It’s all too easy to
buy one more round, or one
extra gift for that special some-
one, but you want to make sure
your pockets are still jingling
with money come the New
Year.
Lucky Object: Find a penny
pick it up, etc, etc…
Lucky Day: Monday
Capricorn
(December 21 - January 20)
“Rocking around the Christmas
tree…” It’s party time people!
Call up someone you haven’t
seen in a while and have a
wicked night out. And don’t let
it be so long before getting in
touch again next time!
Lucky Object: The Telephone
Lucky Day: Wednesday
Aquarius
(January 21 - February 20)“On
the first day of Christmas my
true love sent to me…” You
know you love them really, your
nearest and dearest might do
your head in at times but all
is forgiven, especially when
there’s a chance of a decent
present hey?
Lucky Object: A Box
Lucky Day: Tuesday
Pisces
(February 21 - March 20)
“Frosty the snowman…” Don’t
get a “frosty” reception when
you head home this year. Think
about giving your ole ma a
break too. Do your own wash-
ing, keep your room tidy and
peel the spuds yourself at least
once please!
Lucky Object: A Hug
Lucky Day: Sunday
 PUZZLES
28
Brought to you by our very own Puzzlelord, Colin Everett, what would you ever do without his masterful puzzle skills?
Answers, as always, in next fortnight’s edition.
CLUES ACROSS:
7) CEMENT USED TO FILL IN GAPS BETWEEN TILES. (5)
8) HAVING A TENDENCY TO MURDER; THE LIKELY ATTITUDE OF
ONE WHO COMPILES THE CROSSWORD FOR BAREFACTS FOR TWO
YEARS WITH LITTLE EXTERNAL GRATITUDE. (9)
10) SITE OF THE ORCALE OF APOLLO; PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE.
(6)
11) ACCORDING TO JOHN MAJOR, THESE AREN’T BUTTERED BY
FINE WORDS! (8)
12) A PAIR OF THIRD-CLASS LEVERS THAT ARE USED TO REMOVE
SPLINTERS FROM THE BODY. (8)
13) UNDERGROUND-DWELLING MAMMAL; DOUBLE-AGENT. (4)
15) ONE OF THE MAIN SUPERPOWERS IN ORWELL’S NINETEEN-
EIGHTY-FOUR. (7)
17) US STATE IN WHICH YOU’LL FIND OLD FAITHFUL GEYSER.
(7)
20) GOLD-LEAF; A BOND OR LOAN ISSUED BY THE UK GOVERN-
MENT. (4)
22) SEE 28 ACROSS.
25) EUROPEAN NATION FOR WHOM EUSEBIO PLAYED FOOTBALL.
(8)
26) THE SPANISH WAITER AT FAWLTY TOWERS. (6)
27) CENTRAL AMERICAN COUNTRY, BORDERED BY NICARAGUA
AND PANAMA. (5, 4)
barefacts
baref
4 December 2006
CLUES DOWB:
1 AND 9 AND 5) WHIG ICES REALIGNMENT POORLY BROADCAST
ON THE HOUR OVER THE AIRWAVES. (CRYPTIC) (9, 4, 6)
2) IN THE USA, A SUMMONS TO ATTEND COURT AS A WITNESS.
(8)
3) IF YOU’RE ORIENTEERING, YOU MAY BE LOST WITHOUT THIS.
(7)
4) TWO PLAYER CARD GAME. (3, 5)
5) SEE 1 DOWN.
6) IN MYTHOLOGY, A MONSTER HALF WOMAN AND HALF BIRD.
(5)
9) SEE 1 DOWN.
14) THE FORM OF DUTY WHICH IS THE LARGEST SHARE OF UK
TAX REVENUE. (6, 3)
16) IN MATHS, WHOLE NUMBERS. (8)
18) BEATEN EGG-WHITE THAT’S AN IMPORTANT INGREDIENT IN
BAKED ALASKA. (8)
19) THE ONLY LONDON UNDERGROUND STATION ON THE VICTO-
RIA LINE THAT DOESN’T INTERCHANGE WITH ANOTHER UNDER-
GROUND LINE OR NATIONAL RAIL SERVICES. (7)
21) SEEN INTO TOWN AS A WHOLE. (CRYPTIC) (2, 4)
23) TOOTHED ITEM FOR STRAIGHTENING HAIR. (4)
24) PUNCTUATION MARK; FOR OUR FOOD, IT’S NEAR THE JOUR-
NEY’S END. (5)

The Maze 28 AND 22) THE APOSTLE WHO BETRAYED JESUS CHRIST. (5,
8)

It’s a Search-4-Words
To point out that I’ve been to see Casino Royale, find 15
adversaries of the one and only 007 in this grid.
It’s either far too late or I’m just completely dense but if you can work out this secret
message then please email my very confused brain!

ythg imer auoy byfo non

(Solution: Read it backwards)

P
S
E
U
D
O
K
U
baref
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4 December 200
20066 29
 COMMERCIAL BREAK
barefacts
baref
30 4 December 2006
baref
barefacts BAREFARTS
4 December 200
20066 31
Welcome to the ever-popular Albums Section brought to you by Jake & Patrick! Every week they have a CD handout... if
you fancy yourself as a budding critic then drop them a line at: bf.arts@gmail.com
The Magic Numbers Nelly Furtado
Those The Brokes Loose
EMI Records Polydor

The Magic Numbers have re- This latest offering

cently released their second from the Canadian
album titled ‘Those The Brokes’. songstress is a far cry
For those of you who already from her previous war-
have their first album ‘The Mag- blings about birds.
ic Numbers’, you’ll already be With strong sexy beats
aware of their sound. It has to and Spanish style ‘oh
be said that the second album ee oh’ ing, this is an al-
seems to be much of the same, bum full of funky tunes
although perhaps with a more that make you want
mature edge. The happy-go- to leap up from your
lucky tunes that were clear in their first album are not so apparent in desk and shake your
this. That isn’t to say that there aren’t any, for example the single ‘Take booty. Tracks you’ll
A Chance’ fits that criteria, as does the first track on the album ‘This Is A recognise are ‘Promis-
Song’, which coincidentally is one of my favourites. There doesn’t seem cuous’ and ‘Maneater’ and the new single ‘All Good Things’. There
to be one track that isn’t about relationships of some kind, which by are some slightly bizarre talky intro bits at the start of a couple of songs
the time you reach track 5 becomes rather monotonous. This album but we can forgive Ms Furtado for these as the rest of the album is so
doesn’t particularly excite me, and I probably wouldn’t consciously stonkingly cool. There are a few slower tracks that have more resem-
choose to listen to it over others in the same genre. I’m not saying it’s blance to her earlier material and ‘In God’s hands’ is a bit soppy but
not worth a listen, it is nice to have on in the background, for example every albums got to have some mush and this is better than some.
when doing work, or when you just want to take time out and relax. If The two bonus tracks (‘Let My Hair Down’ and ‘Somebody to Love’) are
you have heard the magic numbers before, even if it’s just one track a bit Eurovision but in my opinion this isn’t a bad thing.
and you liked it, this album won’t change your mind, nor however will it My favourite track on the album is No Hay Igual (“It does not have
convert any non-believers. If you weren’t concentrating on each song equal”) - an upbeat song with lots of Spanish mumblings, a catchy
individually, you could be forgiven for thinking that this album merely tune and an awesome beat. Play this album in your car, when you’re
consists of one hour-long track. If I had to sum up this album in one getting ready for a night out dancing or when you need some funky
word it would be mediocre. tunes to chill out to. Turn it up loud!

3/5 Alice Hunter

Rachael Fitz-Patrick

Want to write a
review for
Barearts?
Then drop Patrick & Jake a
line...
bf.arts@gmail.com
 BAREARTS
barefacts
baref
32 4 December 2006
Welcome to the ever-popular Singles Section brought to you by Jake & Patrick! Every week they have a CD handout... if
you fancy yourself as a budding critic then drop them a line at: bf.arts@gmail.com

Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly. I Was A Cub Scout

War of the Worlds Pink Squares
Warner Music
A young duo from Not-
tingham, IWACS combine
From his debut album ‘Chronicles of glistening electronica and
a Bohemian Teenager’, Get Cape, beats with deliciously man-
Wear Cape, Fly (Sam Duckworth,) is nered indie vocals on this
releasing his beautiful acoustic song very promising single. If you
War of the Worlds. A song about the wish that Delays would re-
struggle in a relationship, its power- ally properly throw them-
ful lyrics, cheery undertones and selves into synth-pop, or
haunting harmonies are a testimony that The Postal Service were
to Mr Duckworth’s abilities. A great a touch less restrained,
single and the albums not half bad either. Out 27th of November. then this is the band for you.

Sean Edwards 4/5

Iain Forrester

Jamelia James Morrison

Beware of the Dog The Pieces don’t fit anymore

Beware of the Dog is the second single
to be taken from Jamelia’s hit album
Walk with Me. The single is released on
4th December and has already had
rave reviews and number one predic-
tions. The single is catchy and does
stand out from the rest of the album
but is also repetitive and annoying. It
samples Depeche Mode’s 1989 hit
‘Personal Jesus’ but quite frankly does not do the song any justice. This
single is a far cry from Jamelia’s true hits such as Superstar and Thank
You as her normally soulful, smooth voice is replaced by an annoying
and whiny one! Only die-hard fans of Jamelia should buy this single!
Arguably the best single off his debut
album Undiscovered this fantastic song
will be James Morrison’s third release
and is guaranteed to be a hit. The track
explains so beautifully what everyone
has been through at some stage; when
you get to a point in a relationship when
no matter what you do, something does
not work anymore. His vocals on this track
are outstanding and a lot catchier than previous releases. With two top
ten singles already this year James Morrison looks set to top a fabulous
year with an unforgettable single. The single is released on 18th De-
cember and should be a strong contestant for Christmas number one!

1/5 4.5/5
Amy Reeve Amy Reeve

The Fratellis Paolo Nutini

‘Whistle For The Choir’ Rewind

The Fratellis return after the No amount of praise I can heap on

release of their anthem this single will ever be enough. It is ab-
‘Chelsea Dagger’, with their solutely fabulous! This single is the third
new single ‘Whistle For the to be taken from his platinum selling al-
Choir’ – a slow building, bum These Streets and is released on
acoustic based track that’s 4th December. Bearing in mind this Scot-
so damned catchy, it will tish singer-songwriter is just 19 years old,
have you reaching for your his mature lyrics and soulful voice are
guitar in no time. Put simply, far more advanced than his years. Rewind is soulful and passionate
it’s awesome – go and buy! with amazingly thoughtful lyrics. Considering his album has not left
the top 20 since it’s release in July and his tour during November is
4/5 completely sold out I must not be the only person thinking…..WOW!
Fin Dow-Smith
5/5
Amy Reeve
baref
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4 December 200
20066 33
THE SPINTO BAND THE RACONTEURS
ULU Brixton Academy

For the 90% of people reading this who have never heard anything
by the Spinto Band, you’re missing out on one of the best American
indie ‘geek’ bands of the decade. Supported by the sparse, eclectic
Regina-Spektor-y melodies of Kate Nash and the obscure, pounding,
flamboyance of Tiny Dancers, the Spinto Band appeared on stage at
ULU for an unforgettable hour and a quarter of drums, bass, guitars,
keyboards, vocals and pure showmanship. Playing tracks from their
2006 album ‘Nice & Nicely Done’ and throwing in a number of brand
spanking new ones, the ‘Band played with vigour and enthusiasm
– barely stopping to mop the sweat from their brows.
They were joined by the audience (in voice – not on stage) for
crowd favourites, ‘Direct To Helmet’ and ‘Oh Mandy’ – both of which
were received with enormous appreciation from the house. The
lesser known non-single tracks off the album were equally beautifully
performed with such precision and devotion, anyone could have
walked in and appreciated the sound. The highlight though had to
be an utterly phenomenal cover of Electric Light Orchestra’s ‘Mr Blue
Sky’; never before have I almost exploded through joy.
f you disregard the main 50 or so monopolisers of public attention -
and I’m talking to you Coldplay, U2 and Robbie Williams… Especially
you, Robbie - then you discover what un-popular music is like. And by
unpopular, I don’t mean rubbish. I’m talking about music that should
be adored by everyone, but for unknown reasons, just isn’t accessible.
The Spinto Band are never going to be the new Weezer, but they are
just as good. Please get some Spinto action this Christmas!
5/5
Patrick Hunter
For many people, Jack White’s supposedly temporary dive into the
world of the Raconteurs is a bit worrying. Rumours of the White Stripes’
death were quashed, with the explanation that the Raconteurs
are ‘just a side project’. But it is so much more than a side project.
Brixton Academy is a flippin’ awesome gig venue, and the
thought of seeing one of my favourite bands of the moment there
was pretty exciting indeed. More exciting than the new Fopp in
Guildford? Not quite, but close. Better still, I was Barefacts’ official
press photographer, meaning that I got to spend the first two
songs in the pit. Now that’s something you don’t do every day.
Striding on stage, they didn’t really look like a band – more
like extras in a dark quasi-comedy about a bookshop owner
who was in fact an evil wizard-cum-vampire with each
episode ending in a humorous yet thought-provoking result.
With just one album under their belt(s), you’d have thought it
difficult to keep a venue full of people entertained for an hour and
a half… But with cleverly extended versions of album favourites
(Steady, As She Goes and a brilliant, brilliant, BRILLIANT version
of Store Bought Bones) and an even more extended cover of
‘Bang Bang’ by Miss Sinatra, they seem to have it all covered.
So forget about the White Stripes: The Raconteurs are definitely the
way forward – fantastic album, fantastic live, and the foresight to record
each gig and sell CDs on the way out… what more do you want. Meg?
5/5
Patrick Hunter

The Pharcyde concerned at the sparsely populated

Jazz Café, Camden
2nd November
Last Thursday saw the return of the Califor-
nian alternative hip hop act to Camden’s il-
lustrious venue: the Jazz Café. The Pharcyde,
known most famously for what is commonly
considered one of the funniest rap songs ever
released “Ya Mama”, was originally formed of
four members when they released their first al-
bum Bizarre Ride II in 1992. Since 2000, the
band has been represented by Booty Brown
(Romye Robinson) and Emandu ‘Imani’ Wilcox,
who have continued to use the name following
the departure of the other two members (Der-
rick Stewart, ‘Fatlip’, who was kicked out for con-
tinued cocaine abuse, and Tre Hardson, ‘Slim-
Kid3’, who left to pursue a solo career). Further
releases, sadly, have had limited success and
a lukewarm reception by the public and crit-
ics alike. In fact, The Pharcyde’s most success-
ful venture since the groups early demise was
Booty Brown’s feature on “Dirty Harry”, from the
highly acclaimed Gorillaz album Demon Days.
Despite what may seem a rough and troubled
past, The Pharcyde are still considered innova-
tors, with their debut album (previously men-
tioned) being praised as one of the most influ-
ential alternative hip hop albums of the 90’s.
This was certainly articulated by the turn out.
Having arrived a good hour and a half after the
advertised ‘doors opening’ time, I was a little
main area (adjacent to the stage), filled
with no more than 50 people, a lone
DJ who seemed to be overindulging
in classic 80’s synth hip hop, and one
animated woman who clearly was the
only one to be truly appreciating his
set, and whose movements where far
from ‘hip’. However, by the time I had
secured my jacket downstairs and re-
turned from the bar, the whole floor
had packed out: cloisters of hoods,
caps and bandanas were pressed up
against the front of the rostra staring
eagerly at unoccupied instruments.
Finally, DJ M Walk graced the stage,
dropped the needle and took to the
lead into “Pack the Pipe”, another humorous
mic to introduce Brown and Imani
product of BRII, the lyrics of which spurn gang-
(dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, leather cap and
ster rappers and other such contemporaries.
large plastic glasses) who were waiting upstairs.
Having missed their previous Jazz Café gig
The set, ranging from classic crowd pleasers
earlier in the year, I was desperate to catch
such as “Otha Fish”, “Runnin’” and my personal
this one and was by no means disappointed.
favourite “Drop”, to impromptu quasi-covers of
An energetic, personal yet professional show
Marvin Gaye’s “Sexual Healing”, was pure fun-
with great music and performances. It was
filled delight. The use of a live drummer and
just sad that it was all over so quickly…though
keyboard player playing Rhodes in his right
I was relieved to be able to catch the last
hand and a Korg synth bass in his left, gave the
train back to Guildford as it is getting rather
music a whole new life and live sound which
late in the year for biding time on the streets
spurred the audience into heavy grooves.
of London waiting for the 5am from Waterloo!
The seminal moment of the night had to
be when Imani re-enacted an encounter with
Jamie Buchanan
one of Camden’s many loitering drug deal-
ers, only to pull out and light what one would
be naïve to assume was a cigarette. This
 MUSIC
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34 4 December 2006
Tiesto Monteverdi’s L’incoronazione di Poppea
Gods Kitchen Air, Birmingham Britten Theatre
Friday November 17th Saturday November 25th

On Friday the 17th of November, I travelled far on the tram system up
to Birmingham city costing me many many english, however I was
not concerned whatsoever as I was to be witnessing Tiesto live. Tiesto
who is well known as the world’s greatest DJ, was the first disk jockey to
perform to over 25,000 fans in a stadium as a solo DJ. The capacity
of Gods Kitchen Air wasn’t quite to the extent of this previous show, yet
the event was completely sold out. As the doors opened at half nine
and weren’t due to close until six in the morning, Tiesto didn’t appear
in front of the decks until the early hours but when he did the reception
he received was incredible. The absolutely heaving basement of
Gods Kitchen had been waiting for this moment for some time, and
due to the fact that Tiesto performs in the UK so rarely made this
appearance of the legend himself so overwhelming. Wasting no time,
he immediately had the entire room jumping with hands in the air to
his heavy house beats, mixed with such astounding fluidity it was as if
he was spinning one continuous vinyl. However I do have to say that
overall I was a bit disappointed with Tiesto’s set. It wasn’t the quality of
his technique or the way he performed that saddened me, but more
of the songs he chose to play. Being quite familiar with his music, and
having many of his records myself, I was especially looking forward to
hearing the songs I knew so well such as Your Loving Arms, Waterfall,
Just Be, etcetera. However this was not the case of the evening, Tiesto
did not play one of these tunes I had been so excited about hearing
all night. Gutted. Instead he was mainly dropping purely beats without
vocals, as good as these were, and they were quality, it wasn’t what
I was expecting. Due to this reason I didn’t come away from Gods
Kitchen feeling as ecstatic as I had thought I would. Having said this
Tiesto did play a couple of cracking remixes which were the highlights
of the night for me by far, including Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars and a
brilliant version of Jose Gonzalez’s Crosses which raised the roof. After
a good few hours of Tiesto on the decks, he walked away leaving us
completely drained, ears ringing and heads banging. Despite not
playing his more well known tunes, Tiesto was terrific not to mention
the implausible laser lighting effects, and I’m sure I would go see him
again at the risk of missing these songs I oh so long to hear in a club. It
was a great night overall and if he ever returns to these shores I would
urge you to consider purchasing a Tiesto ticket, just so that you can
say you’ve seen him. Get your trance trousers on.
On Saturday the 25th of November I had the pleasure of at-
tending a performance at the Britten Theatre, Royal College
of Music, to watch Monteverdi’s L’incoronazione di Poppea, in
which Stephanie Lewis, ex Surrey pupil (and my housemate!),
starred as Ottavia. I am by no means an opera connoisseur,
but here is my attempt at a review, so please bare with me!
Stephanie, mezzo-soprano, studied music at the University of Surrey
between 2001 to 2004. She is now at the Royal College of Music’s
‘Benjamin Britten International Opera School’ studying for her post-
graduate in Opera with Ryland Davies. Playing the role of Ottavia has
been Stephanie’s biggest challenge so far (apart from living with me!).
The Opera, Poppea, tells the story of emperor Nero’s reign and
his extra marital exploits. Ottavia, as his current wife and empress,
learns of his affair with the ambitious Poppea. As the story unfolds
we learn of the manipulative ways in which Poppea ensures her rise
to the throne, thus repudiating Ottavia and sending her into exile.
After many years of being subjected to Stephanie’s warm up
scales, notably when we shared a duplex room in Stag Hill five
years ago, I finally got to see her perform in all her glory. When
Stephanie came onto the stage, she sent shivers down my spine.
Her voice filled the theatre and (although I didn’t understand a
word of the Italian dialogue) I thought she was amazing. In a daz-
zling costume she looked absolutely stunning and was well suited
to the role of a dramatic lady of nobility. Stephanie was way bet-
ter than any Charlotte Church or Catherine Jenkins I’ve ever heard!
Although I haven’t seen many opera’s in my life time (three
in fact) I thought as a whole this production was very profes-
sional. The set, costumes and standard of singing was extreme-
ly high. I was a little bit surprised by the raunchiness - I didn’t real-
ise that operas contained nudity, drugs, gayness etc! Haha!
Anyway It was a memorable experience and I urge you all to
go and see an opera at least once in your lifetime. And if you
can, preferably one with Stephanie Lewis in it! See her now be-
fore she hits the Royal Opera House as it’s too expensive!
Jade Johnson

Jake South

Bond Begins ten finds himself bruised and

OO7: Casino Royale:
Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva Green and
Mads Mikkelsen
Director: Martin Campbell
Bond is back! This film takes viewers right back
to the beginning of Bond’s career, depicting
his first mission. He must travel to the infamous
Casino Royale in Montenegro to win a poker
game in order to stop the winnings going to
Le Chiffre (Mikkelsen), a banker who wants
to use them to fund terrorist activities. But
can Bond keep his cool under the watchful
eyes of the intoxicating Vesper Lynd (Green)?
This film is typical Bond, with guns, girls and
gadgets. This, however, is as far as the age-old
conventions go. The world of ‘Casino Royale’
is far more gritty and brutal than those of previ-
ous Bonds. These characters are hurting when
they fight each other - even Bond himself of-
battered. This realism contin-
ues through to the characteri-
sation, where the villains are
more grey than black and the
motives and morals of the he-
roes are equally complex. All of
this changes the entire mood
of the film into something that
is far less escapist and more a
character study of the world’s
most famous spy. This shift in
tone is confirmed by the de-
liberate avoidance of the in-
famous Bond theme until the
final few seconds of the film.
With the exception of the beast is a whole different animal, as they say!
poker game itself, which tends to drag a lit-
tle, this film is clever, exciting and portrays a Rating: 3.9/5
Bond who is far more human. Even those Thomas Asdell
people that have disliked the Bond genre in
the past should certainly give this a go. This
baref
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4 December 200
20066 35

NME TOP 50 Student Anthems Of All Time

The dictionary describes a 26) Born Slippy Underworld
‘Student Union’ as a place 27) Over And Over Hot Chip
where “students drink a 28) Decepticon Le Tigre
lot of alcoholic bever- 29) Fools Gold Stone Roses
ages, dance like crazy 30) Power Out Arcade Fire
pipe-cleaner people and 31) In The Morning Razorlight
make little sculptures out 32) Insomnia Faithless
of dried cucumber”. Now 33) Baywatch Theme Sunblock
I don’t know if that’s cor- 34) My Generation The Who
rect or not, and truth be 35) Blue Monday New Order
told, there’s no possible 36) Club Foot Kasabian
way of finding out. BUT, 37) Are You Gonna Be My Girl Jet
if there’s one thing I DO 38) Bang Bang You’re Dead Dirty Pretty Things
know about the union, it’s that there’s always going to be a song that 39) Valerie The Zutons
you hear the first few seconds of, look at your fellow union-goers in 40) When The Sun Goes Down Arctic Monkeys
glee, and shout “wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 41) Dreaming Of You The Coral
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo 42) Plug In Baby Muse
”. I am of course talking about the student anthem. A song so perfect 43) All These Things I’ve Done The Killers
in every way, however drunk you are, however you’re feeling, whoever 44) Sweet Child O Mine Guns N Roses
you’re feeling, you can’t help but brush away a tear of joy as you shake 45) Fake Tales Of San Francisco Arctic Monkeys
your ass, watch yourself, shake your ass (again), and then buy another 46) Panic The Smiths
drink. 47) Just Radiohead
SO. In it’s eternal wisdom, NME has compiled a list of the top 50 48) Voodoo People Prodigy
student anthems as chosen by 200 students DJs across the country. 49) Alright Supergrass
Hot Chip: Over And Over, The Killers: Mr. Brightside, The Kooks: Naïve 50) Girls And Boys Blur
– the list goes on… (all the way to 50…), with the number one stu-
dent anthem being the Arctic Monkey’s, I Bet You Look Good On The By Patrick Hunter
Dancefloor: clearly a classic tune, surely rivalled only by Cliff Richard’s, Music Editor
Millenium Prayer.
Kevin Lockwood, editor of no magazine whatsoever said “never be-
fore have so many people thrown towels at the moon”.
Some entries you may agree with, some you may not. But I urge you,
people of The University of Surrey: Dance. Dance to the rhythm of the
children of the sky.

Top 50 Ultimate Student Anthems 2006

1) I Bet You Look Good On The Dance Floor Arctic Monkeys

2) Mr Brightside The Killers
3) I Predict A Riot Kaiser Chiefs
4) Take Me Out Franz Ferdinand
5) This Charming Man The Smiths
6) Hounds Of Love The Futureheads
7) Naïve The Kooks
8) Last Nite The Strokes
9) Banquet Bloc Party
10) Love Will Tear Us Apart Joy Division
11) Monster The Automatic
12) We Are Your Friends Justice vs Simian
13) Sugar We’re Going Down Fall Out Boy
14) Common People Pulp
15) Smells Like Teen Spirit Nirvana
16) Helicopter Bloc Party
17) Apply Some Pressure Maximo Park
18) Don’t Look Back Into The Sun The Libertines
19) Do You Want To Franz Ferdinand
20) House Of Jealous Lovers The Rapture
21) Teenage Kicks The Undertones
22) Cigarettes And Alcohol Oasis
23) I Am The Resurrection Stone Roses
24) Song 2 Blur
25) Time For Heroes The Libertines
 SOCIETIES
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36 4 December 2006

MEET BORIS
Want to Advertise
2ND FEB 2007
YOUR society HERE!
VENUE TBC
Or want to let the students
MORE INFO
CALL 07903030102 know of your news and
OR VISIT
WWW.SOCIETY.CON- upcoming events?
SERVATIVE.COM

Then drop Ella a Line:

bf.societies
@gmail.com

Miss NOT NEWS?

Me too :’(
A Festive Poem
BY SAFFRON WREAKES
Shame on you Nattress! Twas the night before Xmas and just across camp,
A student was stirring, she turned on a lamp.
She looked round the room and groaned in despair,
At various clothing, thrown without care.
Others were sleeping, all sharing beds,
While thoughts of debauchery danced through their
heads.
With Mark in his undies and Si wearing a cap,
Their brains were unsettled from drinking much
crap.
When out of the window they heard such a clatter,
They struggled to stand and see what was the matter.
Away to the curtains they stumbled and tripped,
Pulled them apart and uttered “oh shit”.
The moon on the breast of the garden below,
Brought fresh the memories, the party in flow.
As they thought back, to at whom they’d made
passes,
Saw a box of miniatures and eight tiny shot glasses.
But who could have left something better than
Fanta?
They knew in a moment it must have been Santa.
More rapid than panthers, the students they came,
And they whistled and shouted and poured them by
name.
Now baileys, Now Corkeys, its crème egg, (the
best),
On Smirnoff, On Absinth, and all of the rest!
To the top of the glass, the liquor did fall,
Now drink away, drink away, drink away all.
As throats that before were all parched and dry,
Meet with the alcohol, they gave out a sigh.
So sat on the floor, of some strangers place,
A bunch of students, all off their face.
And then, in an instant they heard in the loo,
The retching of someone who’s about to spew.
As they all covered their ears and went a bit green,
A loud knock at the door, who on earth could it be?
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and
soot.
A rogue party reveller, still in fancy dress?
God knows who he was, cos he looked a right mess!
His eyes- they were bloodshot, he was still quite
merry,
His cheeks very rosy, (he’d found his grans sherry!).
His wide drunken mouth was drawn up to a pucker,
(Like in that state he’d pull, randy drunk fucker!).
The end of a joint he held tight in his mitt,
Smoke filled the room, they all inhaled a bit.
He opened his mouth, said “Hi, my names Terry”,
Then gave a small cough, “but at weekends I’m
Kerry!”
They invited him in, and he sat on the floor,
Laughing with him at the clothes that he wore.
A wink of his eye, and a nod of his head,
Soon told the students they had nothing to dread.
He said no more words, just reached into his bag,
And drew out more wine, spirits, beer and some fags
Then giving a stretch and standing up from the floor,
He shook all their hands and headed straight for the
door.
He turned, gave a wave, then opened it wide,
Smiled at their faces and stepped back outside.
And the students exclaimed as they reached for more
beer,
“Happy Xmas to all, can’t wait for New Year!”
baref
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4 December 200
20066
End of Robinson’s Misery
BY MATT CHEETHAM
SPORT EDITOR
WITH THE RECENT
DEPARTURE of Andy
Robinson; England’s
highly skilled for-
wards coach, yet farci-
cal head coach/selec-
tor, England’s rugby
set up is in danger of
embarrassing lows at
next years World Cup.
Having just undergone a perilously atrocious run of seven de-
feats in a row, a similar run could be in line for the current
World Champions if change is not immanent. Losing to an
All-Black side was painfully expected, defeat to an Argentina
side without many of their leading backs was unexpected by
many, but sub-consciously not hugely surprising to most close
to the game. However losing to a South African rugby nation,
themselves in similar turmoil, and not just South Africa, but
Homegrown Hope...Or Horror?
ANTHONY HANSON
SPORTS EDITOR
WILL UEFA’S INTRODUCTION of a ‘homegrown play-
er’ ruling protect the fabric of football or destroy it?
The question of homegrown players is about to become
one of the most divisive issues in football. In April 2005,
the governing body of European football, UEFA, an-
nounced that clubs competing in the Champions League and
UEFA Cup will have to include four homegrown players in
their 25-man squads from the start of the 2006/07 season.
Homegrown players are defined in two different ways.
The first relates to players who have been registered with
a club for a minimum of three seasons between the ages
of 15 and 21. Of the four players, two must have met this
condition with the club in question, and the other two play-
ers must have come through the ranks at another club in
the same country. UEFA then wants six homegrown play-
ers by 2007 and eight by 2008. Ultimately, UEFA’s highly
ambitious aspiration is to introduce a “6+5” ruling, where
at least six starters in a first team are homegrown play-
ers, whilst the remaining five can come from elsewhere.
Europe’s governing body also wants to implement the plan
in domestic leagues but that will require the ratification of
each national association, highly unlikely in certain leagues
including the English Premier League. The problem with this
quota system was to devise a strategy that did not conflict
with the EU’s eligibility laws, as there can no longer be any
restrictions on player movement within Europe. However,
UEFA believe they have a strong enough legal position for it
not to be interpreted as being a form of indirect discrimina-
tion. Lars-Christer Olsson, the UEFA chief executive, said:
“We also think the proposal is legal, because it is a sporting
rule, not a restriction, to develop and promote young players.”
The rationale for these alterations is varied. One critical mo-
ment in this debate occurred in February 2005 when Arsenal
fielded an entirely foreign squad of sixteen players in a Pre-
SOCIETIES & SPORT
their ‘B’ team, was totally unacceptable.
So where to now? There are many avenues open for Rob
Andrew and his colleagues to ponder. Warren Gatland, Dean
Richards, Dean Ryan, Richard Hill and even Eddie Jones and
Martin Johnston are names forwarded for the head coach posi-
tion before the World Cup. I personally feel England have to
manufacture a plan now, and stick to it. That is why up until
the World Cup, my opinion is that Rob Andrew should head
selection and coach alongside Brian Ashton, whom England
played their most attractive rugby under from 1998-2002. As
well as being regarded as an astute tactician (and England’s
phase play certainly lacked ideas and pace this series) Ashton
is focused on improving individuals he is faced with; “My
main strength is as a coach. I see my job as improving players
individually, to do the technical work with them, and also to
establish the environment, the framework, in which the play-
ers operate.” He has not had sufficient time since his reap-
pearance within the England set-up to express his ideas, and
without Andy Robinson in front of him, he would instigate
most tactics. Hence a pool of young players should be estab-
lished now, and worked with for the up-coming six nations
miership match with Crystal Palace. Some argue that foot-
ball teams should have more of a connection to the region of
their location; with foreign chairmen, foreign managers and
foreign players increasingly prominent what distinguishes an
English team from a French team apart from geography? With
renowned clubs such as Manchester United, Chelsea and re-
cently West Ham being taken over by wealthy overseas inves-
tors, those in power will have to decide exactly what is meant
by and desired from an English Premier League. Alienation
of the fans could have serious future implications. It is also
thought that with so many foreign players playing for the top
teams of the various national leagues, promising domestic stars
will not have the opportunity to flourish, impacting negatively
on the quality and depth available for certain national teams.
Predictably, the Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is not
happy with the developments. To protect the quality of the
game, he believes players must be judged on talent alone,
rather than their nationality. He had this to say: “I don’t look
at their passports, I look at their quality and their attitude…
Elite sport is first about quality. I would not like to say that
I paid £2 million for a player just because he has the right
passport. At that level of money, you just have to be good
enough to play and not be protected. That is what I fight for.
I would prefer to say that you make £4 million per year as a
player because you are good enough, rather than say I give
you £2 million because I need you and you have the right
passport. You say to a player, ‘you play because you are bet-
ter.’” Wenger cannot be accused of purposely ignoring Eng-
lish talent as players such as Pennant, Upson, Bentley and
now Theo Walcott will testify. In his eyes, the initial three
were simply not good enough to make the grade at his club.
The homegrown issue is not simply an attack on the
amount of foreign stars in the top leagues, but an initiative
to encourage clubs to be more self-sufficient, as opposed to
buying talent, whether they are from abroad or otherwise.
With money increasingly the determinant factor in the suc-
cess of football clubs, teams are increasingly less likely to
37
and World Cup so that the future begins to excite English
fans, not panic them. Players like Tom Rees, Magnus Lund,
Tom Varndell, Matthew Tait, Chris Jones and Anthony Allen
to name but a few should be extensively worked with and
nurtured towards the World Cup. A few older players should
be included within the squad too, but only those whos hunger,
ambition and potential are still obvious in their play; Mark
Cueto, Josh Lewsey, a fit Phil Vickery and maybe a few more.
Patience and support is essential.
After the World Cup I feel Dean Richards would provide
England with the most exciting possibilities. His record is
impressive, the ex-England Number Eight has won two Euro-
pean Trophies, Four league titles, and his Leicester side under
his inspiration dominated England and Europe for a period of
four years. He is currently resurrecting a Harlequins side to
former glory. I do not feel it is best for him or for England to
place him, or anyone else in charge with such little time to in-
fluence the set-up, the pressure exerted would hinder him, and
after the World Cup much more time will be given to rebuild,
or maybe (and hopefully) continue England’s progress.
develop their own talent
through their own youth
academies, when it is often
less effort and more eco-
nomically prudent to buy
established talent, which is
often at a better price when
purchased from abroad.
Furthermore, clubs consid-
er the high availability of
Bosman frees a cost-effec-
tive and plentiful supply
of “ready-made” players
whilst feeder club arrange-
ments or setting up academies abroad rather than in the UK is
a more money-efficient option. Certain clubs across Europe,
initially most notably Real Madrid and now Chelsea, have
been accused of buying their dominance. This creates an un-
fair playing field, with the richest clubs becoming ever more
successful, while the smaller clubs struggle financially to
keep up. In Leeds United you witnessed a team that gambled
and lost due to their dealings in the transfer market. Escalat-
ing predictability will lead to less interest in local teams, then
less interest in football in general. The changes are meant
to ensure that football is not merely financial contest but a
sporting one. With this in mind it is thought that every club
must accept some responsibility for training players, and not
rely solely on acquiring players who were trained elsewhere.
Quotas will inevitably happen, but the sport of football must
ensure they are introduced in the most positive way possible.
There are positives and negatives to the proposed plan which
must be carefully weighed, and resultant consequences will need
to be carefully monitored, so that the beautiful game remains
beautiful. Foremost among these will be the already burning
issue of the protection of clubs’ academies and their players,
who are already being poached at increasingly younger ages.

38
Here’s Surrey Sport News
ULTIMATE... It’s Called that for a Reason
BY ANDY MACFARLANE
ULTIMATE PLAYER
I WISH I COULD have been given a fiver for every time someone
has said to me “if a dog can play it, it’s not a real sport…”
[quote from ‘8 simple rules..’] Whenever I tell them that one
of my hobbies is Ultimate Frisbee. If I also had a fiver for
every time someone has suggested that it would be cool to
glue razor blades to the edge of the disc like the guy from
Goldfinger I could probably buy the university. And because
of comments like these I now feel compelled to set the record
straight.
Ultimate is a long established sport; it was created by 1960’s
American college students and since then it has grown from
strength to strength and spread worldwide. It is played on
a national level and the governments of Norway, Sweden
and Japan. [http://www.whatisultimate.com/history/history_
game1_en.html]
The trouble is that most peoples experience of a Frisbee is
idly throwing it to a few mates or siblings on a beach or at a
park; but if that’s your concept of the height of Frisbee com-
pare it to, say, having a kick about or a game of keep it up in
the park, in comparison to a full blown game of footy… it is a
completely different game.
Ultimate Frisbee is a very fast paced three dimensional team
sport. It’s hard to compare it to any other games but most
players will agree that it’s a little bit like netball, with some
American football added but played with a disc. Like netball
it is a non contact sport and you cant move about with the disc,
its up to your team mates to cut in and out so you can pass the
UniS Footie Still on Song
BY STEVE COTTINGHAM
MEN’S FOOTBALL CLUB
Saturday league
November was another good month for the University’s Satur-
day mens football teams. The First Team (otherwise known as
the “1’s”) is going fine, still without a loss and only 3 points off
the leaders in the Guildford & Woking Alliance Premier Divi-
sion. Two weeks ago saw the 1’s beat SCR Reserves 2-1 after
extra time. Having gone a goal up through Tom Finn, the 1’s
let it slip a little and allowed SCR to equalise. Despite heavy
second half pressure, SCR held on and that put the tie into extra
time. Commeth the hour, commeth the man and Val Douglas
powered in the winning goal, with only 7 minutes of the extra
time left. The 1’s now take on a team called Wilf Kroucher at
the Varsity on Saturday 6th January 2007, kick off 1.30pm.
The Reserves (known as UniS 2’s) are not doing that well in
Division 1 of the Guildford & Woking Alliance, but are on fire
in the Surrey County Lower Junior Cup. Last week they blasted
away Crescent Rovers ‘B’ by 4 -1, despite going a goal down
SPORT
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4 December 2006
disc up the field and allow
one of you team mates to
catch it in the end zone.
Unlike netball however,
a Frisbee is a much more
versatile object to play
with in comparison to a
ball. A skilled player will
have the option of a light-
ning speed ping to pass
the disc, or a long, curly
floaty disc that your team
mates will be able to run
past and catch at the other
end of the pitch.
At this time of the year
Indoor season is pretty
much over and the ulti-
mate teams that can be
found in a vast majority
of major towns and uni-
versities are preparing to Frisbee, some true sportsmanship still exists.
hit the mud. The games are normally forty five minutes long, And so my rant is over. No matter whom you are, regardless
seven per team and there are no referees. People often wonder of your fitness levels, your shape or size, or your gender. If
how we play like this but it is hardly ever a problem; the way you feel the same as I do, that you want to be active and be a
that teams work out any problems or fouls is a huge contribu- part of a sport where the people you play with AND against
tion to what makes the games so fun; the ‘spirit’ of the game. will become your friends, why not give it a go. (PLUG: SUR-
After a summer of watching world class football players div- REY SCORPIONS!!!) Then you can find out for yourself the
ing to the ground, and their petty amateur dramatics in the aid reason we call it ultimate.
of a minor advantage, it was refreshing to see that, in Ultimate
inside the first 15 minutes. The equaliser came from a long in close second place. In SE Conf Div 5A the 2’s lead the way
shot and bizarrely hit a defender on the head and he scored past and are looking good for the championship, but with Uni-
his own keeper. This fired the lads up and with the better fit- versity College Chichester breathing down their neck. Our
ness telling in the final 25 minutes, Marc Hodges with 2 goals 3’s will probably end up mid table in the SE Conf Div 6A,
and Zak Hullemuth with one, made it 4-1 and onto the next which is not bad considering the team is made up of ‘fresh-
round, which will take place on Saturday 13th January 2007. ers’ under the guidance of manager Piar Ali, who is doing a
The third team the University runs in the Saturday league is good job in building the talent in readiness for the players
UniS ‘A’ in Division 2 of the Guildford & Woking Alliance. to move up within the team structure next season. The 5’s
The ‘A’ team is made up mainly of placement year students are probably going to end up mid table too, in SE Conf Div
and this helps to give them something tangible at the Univer- 6B, with the 4’s trailing near the bottom in the same division.
sity by which to keep in touch, outside of academic interests. Having cantered through the divisions for the Uni-
The ‘A’s are going okay but could do with a couple of wins versity’s 8 mens football teams, here are the fix-
to boost confidence. One of those wins came last week, when tures for December for our Saturday league teams:
they beat Milford & Witley ‘B’, 2-1. Scorers were Steve Wren Football Club Fixtures (Saturdays) for December 2006
and Jack Costello (making a rare appearance for the ‘A’s). Saturday 2nd December
UniS 1’s -v- Lightwater Utd, Varsity Centre, 2pm ko
BUSA Wednesday leagues UniS Reserves -v- Emmanuel, Varsity Centre, 2pm ko
Meanwhile in the Wednesday BUSA football leagues, our 1’s Saturday 9th December
have a good chance for the championship in South East Con- Addlestone Town -v- UniS 1’s, at Ottershaw Park, Otter-
ference Division 2A. Roehampton lead the way, with our 1’s shaw, 2pm ko
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4 December 200
20066
BY MATT CHEETHAM
SPORTS EDITOR
Football Talk
WELL HERE IS THE final ‘Football Talk’ for the term, next time
I return the Premiership will be well over halfway through
after a very busy Christmas schedule. The FA Cup will have
begun, undoubtedly bringing some classic upsets, and the Eu-
ropean competitions will be entering their elimination stages.
Exciting times.
Response
Thank you to the several people who took time to email in
their opinions about last editions ‘talk’, as usual there were
some great ideas. Firstly, regarding the possible move of
David Beckham, a lot of us seem to agree his presence once
again in the English Premiership, were he to move, would be
enjoyable, and he would prove a wise acquisition for many
clubs. A wide range of scenarios for the former England skip-
per were depicted; if he does move and end up in England I
suggested Newcastle, Tottenham and Bolton as likely outlets,
other students envisaged him arriving at newly financially po-
tent West Ham, Aston Villa, Blackburn and one student was
adamant Becks would end up at Everton, linking up with old
mate Phil Neville, and supplying ammunition to Johnson, Ca-
hill and Beattie up front. Despite no media link as of yet,
this seems a very logical connection. Thank you for all your
views, and keep them coming in, I want to keep this column
as interactive as possible for football fans, so anything you
have an opinion on in this or any past ‘Football Talk’, feel free
to email me a couple of sentences. Now that it is going to be
the holidays, any ideas for future gossip next term?
European Player of the Year
Congratulations to Italy’s Fabio Cannavaro for winning the
‘Ballon d’Or’. Over the past year he led Juventus to the Ital-
ian title, although it was soon to be taken from them. He then
led an Italian side heavily under scrutiny to an unpredicted
World Cup victory, and finally, despite initially struggling for
form at Real Madrid, he now looks to have stabilised their re-
nowned shaky defence, and possibly a much tighter title race
with Barcelona may pursue. Cannavaro has certainly had a
year to remember and considering defenders do not usually
collect the award (Mattias Sammer in 1996 being the last re-
cipient) his achievement is all the more distinctive. Of those
who did not make it, Henry again can count himself unlucky,
a victory in the World Cup final was probably all that stood in
his way this year. I also feel Kaka was unlucky not to appear
SPORT
in the top three, he has been in form all year, being the only
Brazilian to enhance his reputation at the World Cup. He is
currently dragging AC Milan almost by himself this season,
scoring hat-tricks and leading the Champions League scorer’s
charts from midfield.
England Reaction?
England recently returned to action against Holland, and
whilst a decent amount of plaudits came in for Steve Mc-
Claren, I feel unconvinced about his set up. Why would Andy
Johnson be deployed as a right winger in a 4-5-1 formation?
I certainly agree experimentation should be carried out in a
friendly, but Andy Johnson is certainly no winger and to ask
him to play such a foreign role to what he is used to is only
going to hinder his confidence and limit the amount of his
ability he can show off. A right winger should have been used
if this formation was wanted. A positive from the game was
the maturity with which Micah Richards handled his debut,
he could become a permanent successor to Gary Neville in a
few Years for country, and maybe even club.
Relegation
I’m going to put my neck on the line, I feel the teams cur-
rently in the bottom three (at time of press) will be playing
in the Championship next season. Watford and Sheffield
United are battling valiantly and both undoubtedly have very
good managers (I personally feel Aidy Boothroyd has a lot of
success ahead of him), but neither have enough Premiership
quality in their line-ups. Apart form guaranteed victories over
Middlesbrough - always generous to relegation battlers - wins
are proving difficult to come by. Watford certainly have been
grossly unfortunate on countless occasions this season, how-
ever I cannot see a team above them suffering such a barren
run of form that would leave them stranded. The likes of
Newcastle, West Ham, Middlesbrough and Blackburn have
too much quality, as soon as the confidence returns to the
ranks they can all beat anybody.
Charlton have the players to survive, but after Alan Curbish-
ly’s long successful regime came to an end last season, it was
always going to take time for change to occur, and extra time
may now be required due to the impatience shown towards Ian
Dowie, there may be more self inflicted troubles now. Any
new manager requires time, but one who is trying to convert a
ship sailing the same way for so long will require much more
time than most. I’m not convinced Les Reed is any more
qualified to lead Charlton to safety than Dowie. Wimbledon,
for example in the 1990s, had success under Joe Kinnear for
Caption Third
This weeks Caption Third illustrates a fiery exchange between
Australia’s Shane Warne, and Kevin Pietersen of England…
Send us the funniest phrase that you think best fits this cap-
tion, and our favourite effort will feature in the next edition.
Last Issues Caption did not get your brains buzzing; we had
no suitable caption ideas! Keep em coming though...
bf.sport@gmail.com
39
years, how-
ever his dete-
riorating health
caused him
to resign, and
consequently
change had to
occur. Egil
Olsen never
achieved any-
where near
as much suc-
cess for the
‘Crazy Gang’,
the players could not acclimatise to the zonal marking he in-
corporated tactically and they were unfortunately relegated.
Change takes time, and the time is only prolonged by the
eagerness to constantly change managers in the present day.
This I fear will condemn Charlton, along with Watford and
Sheffield United to relegation this season. Who can you see
joining the relegation fight?
Bigger Goals?
I think goals should be made bigger, maybe three to six inches
either way. If you ask fans why they go and watch football, it
is for the entertainment factor, something matches with more
goals certainly would bring. The average size of goalkeepers
will certainly have increased since the size of football goals
was established. Penalty saves are at an all time high, and the
amount of goals in Premiership matches are ever decreasing.
The growing level of importance tactics play is a cause of
this. Football is more technical than ever, the gap that many
perceive bigger teams to have causes 4-5-1 - every man be-
hind the ball tactics. Much less frequent are the classic end to
end 4-3 final scores of just a decade a go. I feel this change
would be beneficial to the game. It has been voiced recently
by Andy Gray and Sepp Blatter. Most people I have talked to
about this have initially been hesitant but come back enthusi-
astic about the concept. What’s your opinion?
Keep your responses coming in to these topics and topics you
want brought up in future columns, as well as any sports re-
lated articles to bf.sport@gmail.com. I will try and include as
many replies and theories as possible in the next edition.
 SPORT
40
BY ANDRE STEELE
Dizzying Heights stoppers. Routes that looked like they might pose some issues
included a fingery overhanging dyno, a crimp-tastic sit-start
with feet on features and a pretty stunning looking dead-hang
SCUIBL IS THE main finger traverse. For the non-climber these all involved hang-
student climbing com- ing of finger tips and climbing hand-over-hand with your legs
petition in the south of dangling in space is not easy! The rest of the routes were a
England. It stands for mixture of balance, technique and bloody-minded stubborn-
the Southern County ness.
Universities Indoor Last year USMC, managed to scrape a couple of teams to-
Bouldering League. It gether for each of the five events. It was a hell of a laugh, but
happens once a year the only thing we got a mention for was doing the final event
with four or separate in formal dinner attire. This year it’s a whole different game.
events at different With so many members we even had to have a pre-event boul-
climbing centres in der-off to make sure we got the best teams. We have high
the south of England. hopes this year, and based on the performance at the first
At each event there event on Saturday they could well be realised!
are 25 low level boul- The first round of SCUIBL took place at Redhill High Rock’s
dering routes. Points climbing centre. Ten of us took part, arriving in true style 30
are awarded depending on the number of attempts required minutes late. Everyone threw themselves into the comp, and
to complete each problem, highest score achievable per round in groups of 2 or 3 we started ticking of the climbs. Within a
is 250. This year’s routes looked like some interesting prob- couple of hours we had all completed what each of us were
lems. There were no easy ‘ladders’, much to the disgust of comfortable with. This left our own personal demons to tack-
some participants, but then there didn’t look like any absolute le. Everyone started crowding around they’re own favourites
trying to learn how others were working them. Mani Bayat,
Surrey’s resident Iranian bouldering champion showed his
skill early on by flashing 24 of the routes. The final 25th prob-
lem was a walk in the park, but Mani proved too enthusiastic
and slid off on the first go. He ended the comp with a mas-
sive 247 pts putting him in second in the men’s comp. Second
from the Surrey side was Andre Steele who after flashing 23
of the problems wrong handed himself on an easy route and
needed a second go to get it. His final problem took three
attempts and Andre ended the comp with 240 pts, just 4 pts
behind third place. Rebecca Buckenham took the spotlight on
a couple of occasions, once nailing a dyno that other con-
testants twice her size couldn’t do. Her second 15 minutes of
fame was styling up a tough crimp fest on an arête that threw
Surrey Hockey 2’s continue
their unbeaten run
BY BAM BAM were not going to be beaten without a fight, and instantly came
HOCKEY CLUB MEMBER back hard and fast putting a shot past keeper Nav Barakzai.
A seemingly end to end game was on the cards as Surrey in
After a lot of fun and games organising the venue of this match, turn responded, taking control of possession and dictating the
St George’s 2’s come the Varsity to face up to the unbeaten play. Some fantastic midfield play pinned up the opposition
Surrey 2’s. The game gets off to a positive start with ‘Nip- in their own D and forced a string of errors, one leading to an-
ples’ finding the net from a short corner. However St Georges other short corner which ‘Mac’ powered into the corner, beat-
ing the keeper and
the post man. Half
time followed and
Surrey encouraged
themselves with a
rousing team talk.
As the second half
begins, Surrey at-
tack furiously, with
barefacts
baref
4 December 2006
of a lot of other con-
testants. Rebecca
narrowly missed 3rd
place by a meagre
5 pts with 139 pts.
The combined score
of Mani, Andre and
Rebecca was enough
however to throw
Surrey team A into
second place with a
massive 626 pts.
Surrey B team faired
well with they’re top
scorer James Sharp
netting a total of 227
points. Second team member Jeremy Wingate achieved a
stunning 213 pts; a tidy score considering his insides weren’t
right on the day. Unfortunately it was not enough to ensure
his place in team B for the next comp as Alex Wood, the
club chairman, did us proud totalling a solid 221 pts. Special
thanks to Rosa Chidley, the third team member for, giving
up a day climbing outside at Swanage to represent Surrey.
Other contestants from Surrey include Joe Marsh with 214 pts
and Nick Warren with 179 pts. Tom Rabbett our only fresher
proved his worth by re-cracking a rib on one route and com-
pleting with 107 pts.
All in all it was an awesome day with Surrey showing their
ability achieving 2nd place in both the men’s and the team
competition. We hope to have as much enthusiasm and pres-
ence in the next round on the 9th of December at Brunel Uni-
versity where we have our sights on coming first!
f you fancy giving climbing a go, we meet on Tuesdays from
6 til 8 or on Wednesdays from 2 til 5 at the Vertex Climbing
Wall in CampuSport.
www.surrey.ac.uk/climbing
balls flying into the area on frequent occasions. Fresher Todd
eventually puts one away, sweeping it past the back post, his
first goal for the club leads to an inevitable jug in hand later
on. Then a shocking moment occurs when a ball flies up
striking ‘Mac’s’ hand hard, breaking it and causing the goal
scorer to retire to hospital. Play continues but St George’s
defend hard and manage to keep us out until Lee finds a gap,
and with a back stick shot, found the top corner. St George
still won’t quit and attack frantically looking to close the gap,
but the Surrey defence hold strong, with ‘Cripple’ hassling
every player coming his way and ‘M’ cheekily running round
anyone in his way. The game plays itself to the end. Full time
4-1 surrey. You know it!
bf.sport@gmail.com