2 WELCOME, STRANGER 9th May 2006

From the Editor... So what’s in this MONSTER exactly?...

Another year is over, and older students

will graduate to be replaced by younger
ones. There are many things that will
remain the same, and these things will be a
refreshing source of nostalgia when those
who have left come back to revisit the
university. Room 101. The Revenge of the Puzzle Pull-out!
barefacts is most certainly one of those This edition comes with two pages 4 pages of the finest puzzles you’ll
things. It began in 1967 as a single page
of things we wish weren’t around encounter in the free press. From
newsletter whilst the university were in
the middle of their migration process as once again pet peeves are the easy to the not-really-that-easy
from Battersea to Guildford. During the banished to Room 101 (Includes there should be something for
40 years since that moment, a few things Poetry Corner...) | Pages 8. - 9. everyone! | Pages 15. – 18.
changed. The average hair-length of the editorial team reduced drastically,
the newspaper is no longer designed using “onion-skin” stencils with ribbon-
less typewriters. However, there are a few things that haven’t changed and ELSEWHERE...
will never change. Comment
I have been Editor of barefacts twice now, and it has certainly been one The BNP... It’s time to listen| Page 5
of the most rewarding things I have ever done. More than just the simple
satisfaction of seeing everybody read something you slave over every couple
Reminiscing & Study Tips
of weeks to produce; barefacts is a part of the University of Surrey tradition.
It is sown into the very fabric of what it is to experience university here. The Biggest Arts Section Ever? For some University is winding to a
To be involved in barefacts is to contibute to keeping alive a 40-year-long Quite possible 9 pages filled with close, for others they’re still got a
legend, and it is something I am immensely proud to have been a part of. Music, TV, Film, Theatre & Dance. few more exams to go... | Page 6
This year was particularly difficult, due to the problems in the previous Reviews of the latest CDs, films
academic year. A new team had to be trained up, and had to be subjected to from all over the world and a look Ents Planner
an extremely steep learning curve. I’d like to thank every single one of them
at things happening over the A rather different Ents planner... no
for their patience and their tireless hard work. I’d also like to thank Neil
“Tree” Boulton (VP Comms) and Aaron Salins (Marketing Guy), without summer. And a competition too! | assembly required| Page 14
whom barefacts this year would not have been possible. Pages 22. – 30
Myself and others will leave, and new people will replace us to continue

A Letter In Respone
this tradition. barefacts will always be the student voice, and it will always
have a responsibility to keep your elected officials accountable, to keep you
informed of the news, and most importantly, to ensure that you are getting
what you deserve from being a student at this university. If you want to leave
here with more than a degree, then become part of this team next year, and So, i fear that the last issue of barefacts has been if the kitchen tells us that they have to stop, for
help contribute to USSU’s oldest and most celebrated tradition. printed already, but i thought i would give it a go. whatever reason, and there have been a lot - from
I am a placement student, currently on placement running out of food, to injuries, to a particularly
Chris Ward
in the states, but in my 2nd year, i worked in nice group who hired out the kitchen then flooded it
barefacts Editor, 2005-2006.
chancellors. now, you can call me biased or - then we have to close the kitchen. we’re not chefs,
whatever, but i think that whoever wrote the article, and while i know the author is going to argue,
Editorial Team 2005-2006 “chancellors offering poor customer service” needs
to spend a few shifts working there. he’s right,
“yeah, but i can cook burgers”, until he gets a
qualifictaion, and a job there, he’s not going to.
Editor-in-Chief Arts Editor sundays do TEND to be quieter than the rest of Chancellors doesnt pretend to be anything its
Neil Boulton Nicole Heel the week, hence the reduced menu, and hence the not. lets face it, its a student bar, run by students,
ussu.comms@surrey.ac.uk bf.arts@gmail.com reduced staff. but think about it, any day of the populated by students. it doesnt try to be a 4 star
week, channies will serve somewhere between restaurant with ambient atmosphere. it doesnt even
Editor Fashion Editor 150 - 250 lunches. between typically no more than try to be the lakeside. its trying to get people in
Chris Ward Natalie Dowle 3 servers and 2 food runners. thats a lot of work, and out while supplying beer. stop griping about
cs21cw@surrey.ac.uk ms42nd@surrey.ac.uk and you may have noticed, that never is anyone how unfair life treats you man, if you dont like it,
standing still, looking at the clock or picking their go somewhere else. just cos Spoons isnt 5 minutes
Deputy Editor Fashion Editor nose when there is that many people to feed. well from your room doesnt mean you cant get off your
Joshua Bates Jamila Gangadeen
guess what, its the same in the kitchen. there is, at backside and walk the mile to town.
cs52jb@surrey.ac.uk ms41jg@surrey.ac.uk
least there was, 4 chefs in the kitchen turning out one more thing, how many times do you see
Webmaster & food as fast as possible during the week aswell. chancellors staff writing in about the abuse they
Deputy Editor
Sophia Hawkins Puzzlelord just cos the numbers go down doesnt mean taht the suffer at the hands of people like you? personally,
li52sh@surrey.ac.uk Colin Everett work gets any easier, especially when you have a iv never seen it. if you dont like it, you know where
ma41ce@surrey.ac.uk reduced staff, because you have to end up pulling you can go, otherwise, sit down, shut up, and enjoy
News Editor extra weight. your beer ok...
Marcin Stylski Postgraduate Editor they’re right on one thing, the supervisor shouldn’t
li12ms@surrey.ac.uk Anne Abeygunasekera have been so blunt. but they should remember this. Jamie McComas
a.abeygunasekera@surrey.ac.uk
Features Editor barefacts is an editorially independant newspaper and is published
Lia Parker by The University of Surrey Students’ Union Communications Office.
ps41lp@surrey.ac.uk
Proof Reader
Toby Shannon T� , the
University of Surrey Students’ Union or the University of Surrey.
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions
Arts Editor Adverts & the like
Beth Heale Aaron Salins barefacts@ussu.co.uk
bf.arts@gmail.com a.salins@surrey.ac.uk www.ussu.co.uk
Copyright USSU Communications Office 2006
9th May 2006
Yes: 388
No: 357
• USSU will back the Association of University Teachers’ industrial action.
• University to impose a 10% salary penalty on those who choose to strike.
By Chris Ward
Editor
Before Easter, the University of Surrey
Students’ Union held a referendum to
democratically decide whether or not they
should officially support the industrial action
planned by lecturers on campus. After a
closely fought contest between the Yes and
No campaigns, the students marginally
decided to back the action by 388 votes to
357.
As reported in the Union Standard, this
result means the Union will support the
industrial action for the next twelve months,
which is the lifetime of a referendum
decision.
The President of USSU, Flo Oyeleye wrote
to the Vice Chancellor in order to clarify the
Union’s stance on the stike, requesting him
to fulfill the demands made by the AUT,
expressing on behalf of
the students distaste for
impositions on lecturers
who choose to take part in
the action, and pressing him
to ensure all substitute staff
in the strike action were
qualified.
In the letter, Flo
stated: “The Students’
Union disapproves of
the tactics being used by
the institution, and has
great concerns with the
University of Surrey’s
intention to impose a 10%
penalty on the wages of all
lecturers who take part in
an assessment boycott.”
He continued to say, “I
NEWS
would request you to respect the policy set
by the students, regardless of how close the
referendum results may have been, and I
ask that you pressure the UCEA to resolve
the pay increase requests of the AUT and
other academic and non academic unions
represented at the University of Surrey.”
In his response letter, the Vice Chancellor
did not comment on the 10% imposition
or the request for qualified staff, saying:
“The model of pay we introduced from 1
April this year significantly improves the
potential earnings of academic staff, and the
cost of implementing this far exceeds the
1/3 of student fees to which the AUT keeps
referring... academic staff have at Surrey
enjoyed an average salary increase of just
under 20% over the past three years and with
an average salary of £44k are amongst the
best paid in the sector.”
GREEN BELT LAND - NO PARKING
Drop in state school
university entries
By Chris Ward
Editor
The government’s
policy on widening
access to education is on
the rocks after statistics
published by Hesa (Higher
Education Statistics
Agency) showed the
number of state school
students entering higher
education starting to drop.
The data only stretches
up to 2003-2004, and is
likely to concern higher
education institutes
who will have to redouble their efforts in
promoting higher education once the £3000
per year tuition fees start applying from
September. It is expected that applications
from lower-income families will begin to
decline from this point.
The figures publish also predict a bad
picture for dropout rates. For the first time
Local lecturer pay deal
rejected in Scotland
By Chris Ward
Editor
Members of the AUT employed by St
Andrews and Aberdeen universities have
voted to reject a local pay deal after the
striking unions warned it would undermine
the industrial strike action taken by the
unions nationally. The deal would have seen
teaching staff receiving an extra 12.5% over
a three year period.
The AUT’s General Secretary, Sally Hunt,
commented: “I have repeatedly said that
this is a national dispute and needs to be
resolved nationally. I am delighted that AUT
members in both St Andrews and Aberdeen
have rejected the divide and rule tactics of
the employers.”
Ms Hunt continued to express sympathy
for the concerns of Vice Chancellors: “I
3
in three years, the data
shows an increase as
opposed to a decline
in students leaving
university prior to
graduation.
John Rushforth, the
director for widening
participation at Hefce
played down the findings.
He said: “It is a reflection
of the tough task we have
taken on. It has been a
long-term problem since
the 1940s and before and
the major investments in
widening participation
have taken place relatively recently”.
The findings show massive differences
across the board between universities.
Teesside University recruits a vast number
of working class students, yet has a very
strong retention rate. Cambridge University
has a drop out of only 1%, whereas Bolton is
more than 31%.
can understand, and indeed share, the
concerns and frustration of many principles
and vice-chancellors that the dispute has
been allowed to drag on for so long. I can
reiterate to them that I also want a quick
resolution to this dispute and any disruption
kept to an absolute minimum. I would urge
all heads of universities to put pressure on
the university negotiators to make a credible
offer to us at Monday’s pay talks.”
4 DUCK 9th May 2006

This news page is missing. We apologise.

Here’s a picture of a duck that will be appearing at Union Council.

UNION COUNCIL - 16th MAY - SEASONS RESTAURANT

(Appearance by duck not guaranteed)
9th May 2006
The BNP - It’s time to listen
The BNP doubled their number of seats in the recent council elections, Chris Ward insists that this far-right vote surge is different to
any other seen before, and that things will need to drastically change quickly to see off this threat.
It’s the post-election period, and for a
certain party that didn’t do too well, that
means scapegoat time. The government
are desperately clutching at the notion that
the result was a short-term repercussion of
Charles Clarke’s Home Office cock-up and
John Prescott’s Diary Secretary cock-in.
However, far from the scandal of foreign
criminals being released without deportation,
one of the more chilling results of the evening
was the sudden far-right surge in Barking,
where the BNP won eleven of the thirteen
seats contested.
When people think of the British National
Party, the image consists of fascist skinhead
racists filled with nothing other than hate,
anger, and violence. If BBC documentaries
are to be trusted, then this reputation is
probably justified. “It’s often been said that
I smoke more than an
Auschwitz chimney”,
Nick Griffin, Leader
“We need to engage
of the BNP was quoted
as saying at a private
these people, and
rally, shortly before promote the benefits
allegedly joining
with his fellow party that multiculturalism
members in a right-
arm fascist salute. It brings to our society,
is therefore quite easy
for the mainstream
as opposed to
parties to dismiss these denouncing them as
characters as idiots
who shouldn’t be racist incompetents.”
taken seriously, and of
course, that’s what they did.
Perhaps the most disturbing thing about
the result in Barking is the emerging fact
that those who chose to vote for the BNP are
not the uneducated racists that the country
expected them to be. For some reason, the
normal average voter decided that instead of
supporting their usual mainstream party, they
would vote for a far-right fascist group. The
reasons for this are becoming more and more
obvious. For those who are heavily involved
COMMENT 5
in campaigning for equal rights, it is time to
review some of the more damaging methods
that have been employed to do so. It is these
methods that fuelled the argument that white
heterosexual males are the most discriminated
against in society. It is these methods that
created the concept of “political correctness”,
and most importantly, it is these methods that
sealed the BNP victories on May 4th.
Immigration always has, and always will be,
a political hot potato. There will always be
people who believe that only British people
have a right to live here, and conversely, there
will always be people who believe nobody has
a right to say where someone can or can’t live.
These are, of course, the two extremes of the
argument, and unfortunately they are the sides
of the argument that appear most prominently
in the media. No compromise, no level of
understanding on
certain
just
aspects,
conflict.
When somebody
dares to question
immigration, the
one extreme of
the argument will
dismiss their points
entirely, and simply
label them as racist.
There was no
intellectual debate,
no discussion, and
no explanation of
the many benefits
that immigration has brought to this country.
Treat enough people like that, and bingo,
suddenly the BNP are the main opposition on
a London borough council.
There will always be people who are purely rights campaigners have, in part, contributed from another country to settle down in the
racist. These are people who believe in racial to the sudden rise in far-right politics. A house across the street. We need to engage
superiority, and who hold an unnatural dislike month ago, The Times reported how the these people, and promote the benefits
for anything that differs from that. They rhyme “Baa Baa Black Sheep” is being that multiculturalism brings to our society,
cannot be engaged in intellectual debate, and changed to “Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep” by as opposed to denouncing them as racist
although they have every right to believe nurseries who chose to review their approach incompetents.
something, they certainly do not have a right to equal opportunities. Whilst the intention The BNP constantly proclaim how they are
to put their beliefs into practise and may be good, the notion is ridiculously idiotic, “proud to be British”. Many people as a result
oppress or discriminate against and will no doubt feed the argument that the now associate national pride with racism.
human beings for the colour of their country has gone mad with the concept of However, they simply need to ask themselves
skin. Then there are others who are “political correctness”. There is no such thing what it means to be British today. We are
taken in by such “newspapers” as as political correctness, just stupid people one of the few countries that have embraced
The Daily Mail or The Sun. These who use “equal rights” as a means to channel multiculturalism. Integration of other cultures
people are not purely racist, and their views in an angry manner, knowing that into society has progressed a lot further in
have simply fallen victim to the the delicate nature of such topics put pressure Britain than it has in any other country. To
unfortunate fact that the best way to on people to not disagree with them. be British today is to be accepting, tolerant,
recruit human beings to your flock It is time to change the approach to equality. and open-minded, and that is a damned good
is through fear. We can no longer ignore those who utter reason to be proud.
It is a massive shame that equal disgruntlements on people who have come
6 STUDENTS’ UNION 9th May 2006

8 Somewhat Interesting Things

That Have Happened At The Students’ Union This Year
by Neil Boulton & Flo Oyeleye
The first year of the implementation of the USSU
Strategic plan has passed, this years sabbatical’s terms
are nearly up. So looking back we’ve collected together
8 interesting developments here at the Students’
Union that have taken place this academic year. Flo
is confident that Greg and next year’s sabbatical team
will carry on the Strategy and keep the Union going to
new and exciting places.
The Union Shop:
The Students’ Union shop moved to shiny new
premises right at the beginning of the year. Some of
you may remember the small alcove it used to occupy;
it wasn’t exactly the brightest & cheeriest of places.
But now it’s located right at the front of the Students’
Union (Sandwiched between Rubix & Chancellors)
and is a dazzling shrine to commerce. University of
Surrey merchandise, food, drink & tickets fly from it’s
shelves on a daily basis – The new location must be
working wonders, I’ve seen the queue stretch out the
door of the shop before.
deny what fantastic sporting facilities will be in there,
as with most things it depends on funding) and a Multi
Faith centre for the more spiritual amongst us to enjoy
and utilise.
Campaigns:
This year has been chock full of campaigns. The
SSHH! Noise awareness campaign has been featured
in the local papers as it surged forth on it’s quest to
make us all think before we open our mouths when we
walk around the campus & town at night. There have
been all manner of SSHH! merchandise including T-
Shirts, bugs, door hangers and most recently lollypops.
Action Health week was a week long health event
for everyone on campus and didn’t limit itself to just
exercise, oh no. Mental health, bad habits healthy
eating and personal safety were all covered in the busy
week. Most people remember the copious amounts
of free food that was given out on the Thursday. The
‘Price On Ice’ rents campaign is still going on right
now in an effort to stop the impending rent hike. So if
you haven’t done so already come into the Students’
Union and sign a postcard today!
Constitutional Review:
This may well have featured last year as well - It has
been 18 months in the making and is nearly complete
– The new USSU constitution. It will be presented
at Union Council on the 16th of May. Be there or be
unenlightened.
Students’ Union Premises Developments:
This year saw expansion for two of the Students’
Union’s busiest departments; RAWU & The Activities
office. Both grew so they have more room to take on
two new staff and to generally have room to swing a
cat (as the saying goes). Along with the expansion of
RAWU and the Activities Office another new office
has sprung up in the Students’ Union Activities Centre
– a Finance Office. Some of you may think it’s difficult
to get excited about a finance office, but this is no
ordinary finance office; this finance office is for sports
clubs & societies. Paying in your club’s participation
fees or sorting out your societies finances has never
been easier.
And next up for refurbishment in Rubix following the
successful PJD’s development we’re eyeing up Hari’s
bar for refurbishment.

Profile within the Local Community:

Already touched upon when I mentioned campaigns
earlier, this year USSU have been working to improve
the profile of the Union, the University and students
in general. The SSHH! campaign has done a great
deal towards that, but the biggest is yet to come. The
University of Surrey Students’ Union, in association
with the University of Surrey, is hosting a Sport Relief
Mile for Guildford. Sport relief is like comic relief…
but sport orientated and we’re inviting people from all
over the country to come to campus and run a mile for
charity. Find out more at: www.sportrelief.com

Academic Reform & Programme Reps:

The Students’ Union has been keeping an eye on the
University’s proposed academic reform plans has
ensured they’re not doing anything too rash or hasty
(Their proposed scheme of moving all the exams you’ll
sit to May was quashed). The Representation and
Welfare Unit (RAWU) have been working hard with
all the academic schools crafting a new representation
system, outlining a tailor made way of gathering
student feedback and concerns for each school -
empowering students like never before.
Common Rooms:
Concerned that students don’t socialise enough on
campus the Students’ Union turned it’s vigilant eye
to common rooms across campus and in the new
Manor Park development and whether they were
want students wanted. Phase one of future common
room development is focusing on residences with the
next step being to look at common rooms within the
academic schools themselves. Comfy chairs all round
I feel.
Sports Facilities, Nursery & Multi Faith Centre:
Various new facilities have/will be springing up
on campus in the near future. The new Nursery is
already here (If you haven’t seen it yet, it’s located
near the Varsity centre) and soon to arrive will be the
University’s new sports facilities (We can’t confirm or
9th May 2006
THE END IS NIGH!
by Nicola Elmer
Its almost complete…my last ever
semester at uni is drawing to a close
and I feel like its time to reminisce.
I’ve always wanted to write
something for Barefacts but I’ve
been putting it off and now this is my
last chance.
Everybody always says how fast
time goes but it’s true. It’s been four
years (four years?!) since I was a
nervous first year arriving on campus
for the first time, not knowing what
to expect, away from home for the
first time. Now, here I am in my final
year, about to take my final exams. I
can honestly say the four years have
flown by.
Being at uni is an amazing
experience – the things you learn,
the people you meet, the things you
encounter. I truly will be sad to leave.
I will take with me some wonderful
friends, hopefully a good degree
and some fantastic memories – from
the days in good old Stag Hill, as a
first year with no cares in the world,
SUBMISSIONS
to the final year living in Guildford
Park Avenue, where we worked hard
but partied harder!
I have no regrets at all, if I could start
again and do it all over I would. The
good experiences I have had whilst
here outweigh the bad, even the
times when I stayed up late revising,
spent hours, days, weeks worrying
over a particularly challenging
piece of coursework. In comparison
there are so many other examples I
could give of enjoyable events and
moments, the list is endless.
On the academic side, a
particular highlight of mine was
the opportunity to do a year of
professional training, which I
would recommend to everyone. I
spent a year in Chester, an amazing
experience that will stay with me for
the rest of my life. And on a lighter
note, there are the things you do
when you are young – you get drunk,
you steal a road cone (or three), you
kick dead mice into the road – things
you just have to do when you are a
student (we’ve all been there!). And
7
of course there was that night
in first year when Chesney “the
One and Only” Hawkes came
to the union and we literally
stalked the poor guy (but I got
my photo!)
Now I have to give this all up.
I have to go out into the big,
wide world, get a “proper” job,
settle down, no more student
life and its perks (and no more
student discount, something I
am slightly bitter about).
We are lucky enough to be
here and have the opportunity
to study and develop in this
environment. All I want to say
with this article is basically
enjoy every moment, seize
every opportunity (although it
has taken me a while to write
this article), what you put in
is what you get out. Before He who is the one and only
you know it, it will be your
graduation and you will be see you at the graduation ball! And
walking up the Cathedral aisle in to those who are lucky enough to be
your cap and gown and then that’s it. coming back next year (I’m only a
You don’t want to be left with regrets little jealous!), have fun, work hard,
that you did not fulfil your potential. enjoy it and you will have the time of
Finally, I would like to say good luck your life, as I have!
to all those about to take their finals,

TESTING TIMES FOR EVERYONE

by Satnam Sokhy
The sun is setting later and the days
are getting warmer. All you want
to do is relax by the lake or enjoy a
pint or a glass of wine on the patio
at Channies, but you can’t! It’s
that time of year again. Exams are
looming and the foundations of the
library are feeling the strain of the
weight of all the anxious students
occupying every floor, ready for
some serious cramming. It’s a time
we all dread, so when I should have
been filling my head with how to
form the “passé simple” in French, I
came up with my tips of how to get
through this testing time!
1) Set yourself targets. Give yourself
an aim of how many hours of
revision you’d like to get done in a
day, or particular material you would
like to have covered by the end of
the day. You’ll feel more motivated
having reached you target for the
day, as you will feel a sense of
achievement.
2) Take regular breaks. Sounds
obvious, but there’s only so long
we can concentrate for. Give your
brain a rest! Go and get some fresh
air or meet up with a friend. You’ll
appreciate the change of scenery and
the chance to get your mind off work
for a while.
3) Get regular exercise during the
revision period. Hours of revision
can leaving you feeling drained
and your body mind and body full
of tension. It’s important to do
something active like going for a
run or even a walk to help clear your
mind for a while and to help you
relax. Get up; get active if you want
to feel energised! The endorphins
produced will get you smiling again!
4) Get enough sleep. 8 hours is the
recommended amount. Aim for
this so you can wake up feeling
refreshed, ready for the day ahead.
5) Eat well. Breakfast, lunch, dinner
and healthy snacks in-between. It’s
not easy to concentrate when your
stomach’s screaming at you for food.
Why not buy some fruit and nuts and
become a squirrel for a day?! Fruit
and nuts make for healthy snacks and
help keep hunger at bay for a while.
If you really feel like that bar of Twix
though, don’t deny yourself- cravings
aren’t fun either!
6) Drink water. Keep up your
intake of water; it’s said to aide
concentration and improves your
energy as it keeps you hydrated.
7) Don’t be afraid to ask for help. If
you’re struggling with something,
there’s no harm in asking for help- a
friend, a lecturer, a duck in the pond,
someone will be able to help! It’s
better to ask and find out rather than
to fret that you don’t understand.
8) Don’t punish yourself! Spending
all your time locked away in solitary
confinement revising might just
make it harder! Revision will seem
less of a chore if you take time out
to do the things you enjoy- watch
Neighbours, go for a swim at
Guildford Spectrum, eat a mouldy
piece of bread – whatever takes your
fancy! (O.k., perhaps not the latter!)
Above all, don’t get disheartened,
it’s not a walk in the park, but it will
all be over before you know it! Then
there’s three months of freedom and
partying in the sun to look forward
to!
BRING ON THE SUMMER!
8 ROOM 101 9th May 2006

ROOM
David Hynds, curator of barefacts’ own Room 101, returns with a bumper Room 101
extravaganza. What gets you riled up? and what gets filed into Room 101?

101
Well, welcome to the Bumper Room 101 Edition. The plan with this article was to hear some Room 101 suggestions from students
at other universities throughout the country. However, everyone seems to be as busy as you or I, and no-one I contacted answered
back.
So, the solution to this problem has to be more of my pet hates, and some suggestions from some others.

But firstly, with Easter just gone it reminds me of the time when a friend was in front of me
coming out of church after the Easter Service, and the vicar was standing at the door as he
always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar
said, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
My friend said, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
He questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
He looked flustered, so I whispered to the vicar “He’s in the secret service, same as me!”
So, on with some more of my pet-hates.

3. People who read over your shoulder on trains. 1. People who use lower-case letters when completing crossword
You’re on your way back to Guildford after a hard day on placement, puzzles.
sat on the train reading your Evening Standard. From behind you, you There are very few people who are
notice someone reading over your shoulder. allowed to forget all about capital
Come on people, the Evening Standard is 40p, not going to break the letters, and they include k.d lang &
bank! What is even worse is that sometimes I’ll turn a page and they’ll e.e cummings. Now, the whole idea
tut because they haven’t yet finished reading! Grr! behind a crossword puzzle is that
the words that complete the puzzle
cross over each other in the grid.
For people who use only lower-case
letters proper nouns are wrong, and
it certainly doesn’t help anyone else
who is assisting. What is worse than
this is those people who put a capital
letter at the start of each answer. The
completed grid looks as iF a cHilD
hAs wrIttEn it. CAPITAL LETTERS ONLY
PLEASE.

2. The classification of Classical Music.

There is nothing wrong with Classical Music, in fact, forgive me for being
old-fashioned but I have to say that Classical Music is my favourite.
What I can’t abide is people put everything that isn’t popular music into
the classical music pigeon-hole. Everyone has heard of different styles of

PoetryCorner
If to Uni. you wish to come, be prepared to live in scum…
by Fed-up Final Years
Dirty halls and filthy streets,
No cleaning done for weeks and weeks;
If to Uni. you wish to come
Be prepared to live in scum.
Fines for dumping rubbish sacks
Outside university halls and flats;
But when we bin it in its rightful spot,
Staff leave it weeks to mould and rot.
Squalid conditions shared by many,
And management won’t spend a penny
But charge us ridiculous sums of money
To live in bedrooms small and scummy.
Post with-held for days and days
Important packages sent away;
No apologies for this delay,
Another abused right for which we pay.
Fire escapes littered with workmen’s tools
Fumes that surely break the rules;
Drilling, hammering, and technological farce,
Don’t tell us to be quiet, don’t make us laugh.
For this library we pay high rate
Don’t you know we’re trying to graduate?
Let this be a warning to those who are so keen
To embark upon a life of the student ‘dream’
Don’t come to UniS unless you’re prepared to
pay the price
For blocked drains, dirty water, rats and mice.
I can only state the case and let you make
your choice,
For your sake listen wisely to our protesting
student voice:
Dirty halls and filthy streets,
No cleaning done for weeks and weeks;
If to Uni. you wish to come
Be prepared to live in scum.
popular music (indeed, it seems you can’t move without hearing about
metal, R ‘n’ B, ska, jazz, punk.) The list is endless. However, if something
isn’t in this field of popular music, it automatically gets lumped with the
tag of classical.
As a music student, it annoys me. There are many (although not as
many as in pop) sub-genres of ‘classical music’, but they are practically
ignored. Everything is Classical and therefore boring. Not So!
4. People who blow their nose and then
visually look at the contents of their tissue/
hanky.
Ewww! Enough said really! Sneaking a look
when no-one is looking is fine, just in front of
people!? Urgh!
(Editor-in-Chief adds: That reminded me of this
quote from Red Dwarf...
KRYTEN: And if you still want to be alive when
there is only 78 more days to go, I suggest you
do not blow your nose.
LISTER: Do you mind if I ask why?
KRYTEN: Well, let’s forego the noise and the
revolting burbling sound, and go straight to the really gross part, when
you always, and I mean always, having blown your nose have to open
up your handkerchief and take a look at the contents. I mean, why?
What do you expect to see in there? A Turner seascape, perhaps? The
face of the Madonna? An undiscovered Shakespearian sonnet?)
9th May 2006 STILL ROOM 101 9
Now, an old friend of Room 101, Iain Hunter - the welsh barman muso – has some more
1. Z list Celebrities
ideas for the depths of Room 101.
In this category I would include everyone that has taken part in Big
Brother, especially Jade Goody and Chantelle, and anyone else who
2. The British Tabloid Press
has taken part in reality television.
This is, in a way, linked to Z list celebrities. I think that the tabloids have
Why should the world be subject to having to read about people who
much to blame in feeding ‘z-listers’ their desire for fame. However,
mean nothing in society?! These people milk all their “celebrity” status
I want to put them into Room 101 for other reasons as well. I find
for all its worth just because they were in the limelight for just a couple of
it irritating that the written English and pictures/graphics are often
weeks. I think it’s an insult where these people become famous for just
appalling and sometimes very patronising to the reader. Their content
being on television whilst other true stars have to work for their fame.
is also shocking. On some occasions we see banner headlines with
stories about how bad Britney Spears’ hair looked at a concert the night
Yes, I have to agree with Iain here. I personally think that people aren’t
before when surely there are more worrying and more pressing things
celebrities once they’ve been on Celebrity Reality TV. I also think that
happening in the world?
the celebrity listings shouldn’t go below ‘H’

Well, it’s all a matter of relativity (as Einstein would say, before putting his
F = failed celebrities
fingers into an electric socket). You can’t have top-quality newspapers
G = Going, going…
without the crap making it look good. Likewise, you can’t have the
H = Has-been celebrities.
crap ‘Tabloids’ without the top quality stuff making it seem crap.
For reasons of preservation for all the good newspapers that are out
So, I completely agree, and will put so called ‘Z-List Celebrities’ into
there (and I won’t name any). British Tabloid Press has to stay in, if not for
Room 101.
this reason, than to give my Granddad something to read on a Sunday.

Moving on, suggestions from Matt Galbraith, a first year muso and Ultimate Frisbee Russell Copeland, a second year muso, has some suggestions which are short, sweet and to
Enthusiast. the point. My answers are just as short!

1. Toothpaste Packaging 1. Last Night of the Proms

When buying a tube of toothpaste, it usually comes in a box, so why is I agree with Bill Bailey. It is so contrived and snobbish, it could deter any
there a need to put a silver tab over the end of the tube of toothpaste? potential new-comers to Classical Music.
Not only is it small and fiddly to get off if you have clumsy large fingers
like mine, you have to take the lid off to take the tab off. Also if you No, it’s a tradition I’m afraid.
forget the tab is there in the first place it causes the tube to either
explode outwards or implode on itself, either way ending up with a 2. Chewing Gum
mess of toothpaste. In my opinion it is an unnecessary use of silver tabs. One of the most disgusting substances ever. It has potency greater than
super-glue which paves the streets of the UK, and the sound people
2. CD Packaging making when chewing it when they’re sitting next to you on the train or
This really annoyed me when this happened, but buying a CD to bus makes you just want to slap them in the face.
find that not only has it a security tab on it for you to remove, it has
cellophane wrapped tightly around it, making it near on impossible to Yes, disgusting stuff!
remove because the ends are stuck on so tight. Is there really a need
for both cellophane and as well as a security tab? When this happened 3. C4’s Deal or No Deal
it ruined the enjoyment of the CD because it took so long to undo the Might not be so bad if Noel Edmonds didn’t keep harping on about
blasted thing. “positive energy” - what a load of bollocks. It’s a game of chance, and
that’s all it is.
Yes, well both of these falls under the unnecessary use of packaging
section. I must say that I agree that it can be hard to take off, but isn’t Not seen it, can’t comment – so no.
unwrapping a CD a part of music purchase that is being lost due to
the internet and downloading trend of music nowadays. Call me old- 4. Internet “leet” / “1337” script
fashioned (again) but some of So annoyingly childish. It does not excuse people of bad spelling or
the joy of getting a new CD is grammar and make them look “cool.” Might not be so bad if some of
unwrapping the thing. That’s the people who used it weren’t 30+ odd years old.
why your parents still wrap
your presents at Christmas and Yes, commented on this sort of thing near the beginning of the year. I
Birthdays, the joy! So, for that agree, a big YES.
reason, CD Packaging stays out
of Room 101.
However, toothpaste packaging So, there it is. Whether you agree or not, there must have been something that annoys you in
is just plain annoying. How many your life. I could harp on about how there is a Room 101 inside all of us, but this isn’t a crap
layers of packaging is necessary film, so I won’t.
for toothpaste? It’s not toxic, Anyway, this is the last time that I’ll be in charge of Room 101; it’s the end of an era and I’m
we don’t need protecting from off into the big, bad world! Don’t be sad though, exposed as I have to the horrors of Room
it – plus we aren’t going to go 101 and its contents, I fear that I will be in therapy for a long time to come yet!
to supermarkets and siphon off Thank you for all the great suggestions that you’ve all sent in. If you fancy taking on the
toothpaste instead of buying mantle of Room 101, get in touch with the Barefacts editing team (best done by e-mail at
it. That is just plain silly, so ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk) and let them know! So, there it is. Whether you agree or not,
Toothpaste Packaging DOES go there must have been something that annoys you in your life. I could harp on about how there
into Room 101. is a Room 101 inside all of us, but this isn’t a crap film, so I won’t.
10 FOOD 9th May 2006

barefacts
Baked Bean Hotpot by Jayne Thomas and 1 clove garlic (crushed)
Emma Clarke 1 tbsp olive oil
Serves 2 3 large mushrooms (chopped)

RECIPES
Prep time: 10 mins 1/2pt cider and one beef oxo cube for
Cooking time: 10 mins stock

Ingredients: Method:
1 tin baked beans Grill sausages until brown and almost
Here are some more recipes for you to try out at home/in halls 1 tbsp tomato ketchup cooked through. Slice and chop into
courtesy of Jayne Thomas & Emma Clarke – 2 main courses and a 1 tbsp golden syrup large pieces. Chop onion and garlic and
dessert are on the menu today. Say no to the fast food empires and try 1 tbsp dark brown sugar fry in olive oil. Add all ingredients together
out your creative culinary side. 1 tbsp soy sauce in an ovenproof dish. Stir and mix well.
But remember kitchen adventurers – Safety first! 1 tbsp whole grain mustard Bake in oven at 140 degrees c for 15
Salt and pepper minutes. Serve with homemade chips and
4 pork sausages salad.
4 rashers back bacon
1 onion (chopped)

Steamed Jam Pudding Tried and tested Method:

by Jayne Thomas Spread jam in the base of a greased
and Emma Clarke basin or pudding bowl.
Combine margarine, sugar, eggs, flour
Ingredients: and baking power into a bowl and mix
125g margarine well until smooth. Add milk until it makes
3 tbsp raspberry jam a smooth consistency. Spoon mixture
125g caster sugar into basin and cover with foil. Put basin
2 beaten eggs into a saucepan with hot water filled to
175p s/r flour half way. Simmer for 1 ½ hours and keep
The Iron Chefs: 1tsp baking power topping up pan with water.
A unique cooking based Game Show from Japan 1tbsp milk Serve with ice cream or custard! Innit!
Need to know more: Look it up on the internet...

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9th May 2006
Spaghetti Carbonara by Emma Clarke and
Jayne Thomas
Serves 4
Ingredients:
1 lb. spaghetti
4 rashers of bacon
2 egg yolks
2 tbsp milk
2 cloves garlic
3 chopped mushrooms
grated Parmesan cheese
fresh parsley
Method:
Grill bacon until crisp.
Cook the spaghetti in hot water (with dash
of olive oil).
Combine the egg yolks, milk and garlic in
bowl and beat until blended.
Fry mushrooms in a little olive oil.
When the pasta is cooked, drain and
immediately return to the pot. Stir in the egg
mixture thoroughly until combined.
Add the bacon, mushrooms and cheese.
Q. I am starting to panic as I still haven’t found a house. I
was meant to be moving in with some people on my course,
but they split and moved in with 2 other groups of people,
leaving me on my own. Now I feel stranded and have no
idea where to turn. Help!
A. Not everyone has found a house yet. There’s proof around
campus and on your university e-mail. You still have time
to find somewhere to live. You could ask other people in
your halls or course if you wanted to live with someone you
knew. Try not to panic too much; you still have 5 months to
go, as do the people desperate to try and fill their houses.
Q. My girlfriend goes to university up north, so we only
ever see each other when we go home in the holidays. The
distance is making us argue more and more. But there’s this
girl on my course that just seems to get me. I really like her.
My girlfriend doesn’t know about her, and she has no way
of finding out if I did anything. Do you think I can cheat and
get away with it?
A. It is possible you could get away with it, but you’d have
to keep that secret, and that won’t be easy. I don’t think you
should be thinking in terms of whether you can or can’t get
away with it, but more about whether it is worth sustaining
your relationship with your girlfriend. If you are arguing and
tempted to stray, perhaps it is time to call it a day. At least
that way, you wouldn’t be cheating on anyone. I mean who
says the girl here will want to share you?
Q. Recently I have become really stressy and I think it’s
because I know the exams are coming up. I keep losing my
temper at the smallest of things and can’t stand to be around
people for too long because they irritate me. How do I get
through the next month without snapping?
AGONY NIECE
Agony Niece
A. You can revise as much as you want for your exams, but
if you go in feeling stressed, you won’t be at your peak and
are likely to make silly mistakes. Make sure you make time
to do things that you enjoy and make you relax. Constant
revising will not leave you in a healthy state of mind.
Perhaps you should take time out with your friends, to make
sure you don’t ruin your relationships with them.
Q. Whenever my ex boyfriends meet my flatmate, they
all really like her and try it on. It leaves me feeling really
insecure and second best. Some of them ask me if it’s ok
for them to see her. I say it is but deep down I’m fuming.
Luckily she hasn’t taken much of an interest to any of them,
but what if she does? I don’t think I could stand seeing an ex
with her.
A. Why let your exes meet your flatmate then? And if you
weren’t ok with them seeing her, why did you say it was?
Don’t expect a man to be psychic and know that when you
say “yes” you actually mean “no”. I would talk to your
flatmate as your exes won’t be too thrilled to hear that
you’ve suddenly changed your mind. She may even feel a
little funny about having your cast offs anyway. As a rule of
thumb from now on, if you want to see your exes, don’t take
them to your place!
Q. I’m not sure if I want to carry on with my course. I’m not
enjoying it and I am starting to think that going to uni was a
mistake. The problem is I’ve already signed a contract with
my landlord and my friends are expecting me to live with
them next year. I feel really bad for letting them down. Do
you think they’d forgive me?
A. If you’ve agreed to live with these people, you are
probably friends to some degree, so hopefully they will
understand. If you really really decide to leave, you need to
check your contract and probably talk to your landlord. Be
prepared to lose any deposit you put down, and have to pay
rent until someone else is found to take your place. You may
even be expected to find a replacement, and I think your
potential housemates would appreciate you helping them.
11
Q. My ex and I are still good friends. We decided that his
work was suffering because he was spending too much time
with me. We agreed that we would get back together once
he finishes this summer. We have tried to stay friends in this
time, but he only ever wants to see me when he’s drunk or
stoned. He spends a lot of time clubbing, and will text me
after, asking if he can come around. He claims he can’t see
me much because he needs to concentrate on his work. Do
you believe him?
A. No I don’t believe him, because if he needed to
concentrate on his work he wouldn’t be going out clubbing
or getting drunk and stoned. Perhaps he gets the munchies
for sex. It sounds like he wants a bit more freedom before
committing to you, but likes having you there if he can’t pull
elsewhere. You don’t need to be used like that.
Q. Since we had a row, my housemates have become totally
evil. They deliberately stand outside my room bitching
about me loudly, especially if I have friends over. They also
messed about with my shampoo – it used to be clear but now
it’s creamy white. Whenever something goes missing, or
someone’s food gets eaten, they blame me. I’ve only got a
few more months of them, but they’re making my life hell.
How can I get them to stop ganging up on me?
A. If you keep up the victim mentality, they will keep
picking on you. It would be nice to think that you could
settle your differences by the end of the semester. If you
can’t manage that, you need to stand up for yourself. They
say you should fight fire with fire, but surely that just makes
an even bigger fire. Regardless, as long as they think you’re
weaker than them, they’ll have the upper hand, so be brave
and stick up for yourself.
Q. My brother is 2 years older than me and is in his final
year at university. He’s so laid back about it though. He
seems to think that university is just about getting pissed
and hasn’t bothered revising much for his exams. He always
hands his coursework in just on the deadline, and doesn’t
worry about what marks he gets. It drives me nuts because I
work hard and try to do the best I can, and he takes the piss
out of me for it. How can I get him to see sense?
A. Some people have different ways of going through
life. Maybe your brother feels slightly threatened by your
success. If he’s made it this far through uni, he can’t have
slacked off THAT much. You could nag your brother, but
that’s your parents’ job, and he’s just as likely to ignore you
as he is them. If you want to get through to him, you’ll need
to be more subtle and make him think about his actions.
The Agony Niece would like to thank her friend Phillipa
for her support, her inspiration and her turbulent life.
Interested in writing for barefacts next
year? Get in touch:
ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
12
THE GHOST TOUR OF GUILDFORD
Lia Parker
You just have to walk up the cobbled
High Street to see that Guildford is
a town steeped in history. And as
with any old town, Guildford has a
history filled with ghosts. I happen
to know for a fact that Derek Acorah
is coming to Guildford soon to film
an episode of Derek Acorah’s Ghost
Towns. He wanted to film in my
house, much to the horror of one of
my housemates… but that’s another
story.
Personally, I believe there is
nothing better than having a bit of
interest in local history, and hearing
gruesome stories of murder and
ghosts. This is why I decided to go
on The Ghost Tour of Guildford.
The tour is run by Philip
Hutchinson; an actor, paranormal
investigator and a man who sits
on the Council of The Ghost Club
(founded by Charles Dickens no less,
in 1862). With all that under his belt,
it’s surprising he has time to take
people around Guildford for a walk
with a difference.
Hutchinson is an intimidating
figure. He appears quite sinister, and
after the first example of audience
humiliation, nobody in our group
wanted to stand too close to him.
Yet he has an abundance of energy
(which reminded me of Jack Black
for some reason) and I was inwardly
Even famous people have not escaped
the hauntings of angel hotel...
I AIN’T FRAID OF NO GHOST 9th May 2006
gleaming when I caught the odd
Monty Python or Eddie Izzard quote
in his repertoire.
Despite taking approximately an
hour and three quarters, the tour
never strays too far from its starting
point; the steps outside Holy Trinity
Church (the one by Sainsburys). It
takes in both the High Street and
North Street, as well as Tunsgate,
the Castle Grounds and Quarry
Street for good measure, ending
at the Angel Hotel, next to Boots.
It is not unknown for members of
the tour to experience something
chilling and unexplainable, although
unfortunately on our tour, this
wasn’t the case. We did however see
two charming ladies with rainbow
coloured hair, who hung out of a
window above a shop in the High
Street, and tried to set the scene by
flashing their lights on and off. Criminals used to be executed at Tunsgate
The tour runs every Friday from
It s coming...
March until October, although at
least four people must turn up in
order for it to go ahead. It has been
very popular since its birth in 2001,
and as the nights warm up, the tour
can have up to 70 people in tow. It
costs £4 (or £3 for concessions i.e.
students!) and it is well worth every
penny. It’s not exactly going to break
September 2006
the bank is it? Even better, it’s on a
Friday night and starts at 8pm, so
you could be back on campus by 10
for Rubix.
9th May 2006 COMMERCIAL BREAK 13

A Student Festival
9th May 2006
9th May 2006 PUZZLE HARD 15

THE
REVENGE OF THE

EPIC PUZZLE
PULL-OUT!
Colin Everett, our very own puzzle-lord has crafted 4
pages of puzzles ranging from the easy to the devilishly
complex. So if you need a break from revision or work
try these brain massagers out!

START HERE:
To start things off we’ll get you warmed up for our puzzle adventure
with some easy puzzles: Try these mazes out for size – If you can’t
complete the first one seriously reconsider whether you’re cut out
this puzzle pull-out (or university in general).

CODEBREAKER
20 11 18 7 24 5 10 1 18 26 6 20 24 8 18 6 4 4 24 25 13 5 17 13 3 6 5 5 1 23 13 6 22

We’ve got a completed crossword with no clues, and all the letters have been
substituted for numbers. Using the grid below can you crack the code?
16 24 24 23 6 10 22 24 24 22 13 18 17 13 6 5 10 24 26 11 24 8 6 16 6 4 4
16 PUZZLE HARDER 9th May 2006
C R O S S W O R D Clues Across:
1. Genuine. (4, 4)
Clues Down:
1. and 23 ac. Original host of ‘University Challenge’.
5 Skin condition, characterised by redness and (6, 9)
itchiness. (6) 2. Forget it! (9)
9. Motion for the 8th of May to be included in the 3. Longest and strongest bone in the human body. (3)
moment. (Cryptic) (8) 4. New Zealand’s fifth-largest city and second largest
10. Unit of currency in the former Czechoslovakia on South Island. (7)
and current Czech republic and Slovakia. (6) 6. The end of a day’s broadcasting on a television
12. Mistake. (5) channel. (5 - 4)
13. Virus affecting cats and dogs; mixture of paint 7. Furnish with an electronic witticism? (Cryptic) (5)
used by artists. (9) 8. Words or phrases formed by rearranging letters of
14. Rotten pie in tin is a requirement for sartorial other words or phrases. (8)
elegance! (Cryptic) (3 - 3) 11. Abbreviation requesting a response to a written
16. Sequence of instructions for one in favour of kilo invitation. (1, 1, 1, 1)
thousandth? (Cryptic) (7) 15. Relating to work on classical conditioning in
19. English town in Wiltshire on the river Anton. (7) experiments with dogs. (9)
21. People who know the price of everything, and the 17. Meet again. (9)
value of nothing? (6) 18. In the front of the army advancing into battle. (8)
23. See 1 down. 20. Capital city of Latvia. (4)
25. See 24 down. 21. Russian dramatist, author of ‘The Seagull’: Anton
26. Sour.(6) -------. (7)
27. Midlands river that flows through Oxford and is a 22. Lives; resides. (6)
tributary of the Thames. (8) 24. and 25 ac. US Vice President to Richard Nixon.
28. Dies at sea. Typically in it. (6) (5, 5)
29. 1960’s television series starring Patrick Macnee, 25. In the bible, the older brother of Moses. (5)
Honor Blackman and Diana Rigg: The --------. (8)

THEE BIG FREAKIN’ MAZE!

C o m p l e t e , a s e v e r, w i t h i t ’ s o w n b i g f r e a k i n ’ d e c l a r a t i o n …
P S U D O K U
Regular and Jumbo sized number arranging fun!
9th May 2006
PUZZLE HARD WITH A VENGEANCE
17

P S U D O K U
18 YIPEE KI YAY! 9th May 2006
9th May 2006
20 COMMERCIAL BREAK 9th May 2006
9th May 2006
PG TIPS
This may be the last barefacts of the academic year, but PG
Tips will keep you updated monthly over the summer! So, any
articles, comments, or general blathering, please send them to
the PG Tips editor at publications@pgasurrey.co.uk.
AND… we’ve FINALLY got our new website up and running:
www.pgasurrey.co.uk
10 Tips for Postgraduates
Wishing to Teach
by Ewan Gillon and Jeremy Hoad
1. Ask as many members of your department or faculty if
they know of any relevant teaching that is available. Most
posts are unlikely to be advertised formally.
2. Send your CV to other universities in the locality.
They may be looking for some part-time staff. The Open
University also appoint part-time course tutors throughout
the UK.
3. Make sure you are aware of what exactly any teaching
you are offered involves. Ask questions such as how much
preparation will I have to do, does the payment include
marking, how much will I really get paid per hour?
4. Ensure that you receive a written contract detailing
exactly the tasks you are employed to perform and the
payment rate for these.
5. You should a training course in teaching skills before
setting foot in a classroom to teach.
A Cut-Down Interview With Greg Scott,
Union President Elect.
AA: First of all congratulations on your great achievement.
So how does it feel to be the Students’ Union President
elect?
GS: Thank you very much. Well, I don’t officially start until
the first of July, so I have a couple of months to get myself
ready and learn what I’ll need to do. I have been working
with Flo (the current President) and the current Executive
team all year, so I have a good idea of what to expect. And,
I’ve already had a couple of discussions with Flo to help
guide me for next year. Overall, it’s been good so far and I’m
really really excited about starting in July!
AA: This year the VP Postgraduate Affairs sabbatical
position has been removed. As a postgraduate will you be
taking any special consideration about this?
GS: The Vice President of Postgraduate Affairs position was
a part of the Students’ Union for the last two years and, as
you pointed out, it has been removed for the upcoming year.
That was voted on at Union Council several months ago,
so that position (and VP Communications) was removed.
It might be beneficial and might be detrimental in different
ways. One of the problems the current sabbatical team had
this year is that anytime any issue related to a postgraduate
student came up; it went to that one sabbatical. Whereas
the mindset for the current team was to delegate all PG-
related issues to a single person, the upcoming sabbatical
team will need to be more understanding of the needs of
all students: postgrad or undergrad, part-time or full-time,
PG TIPS 21
6. Ensure that you will be given appropriate support
facilities, such as access to a room in which to meet students,
Surviving your supervisor!
by Simon Felton
staff access to the library and computing centres, free
photocopying and administrative support.
The fundamental reason for success or failure as a
7. Establish at the outset what academic members of staff
postgraduate student unfortunately is your relation with your
you will be working with and ensure that they brief you fully
supervisor. The supervisor combines mentor, boss, critic and
and continuously regarding what they expect of you, and
gatekeeper to an academic career.
vice versa.
With students paying increasingly high fees and seeing
8. Never agree to teaching with which you do not feel
the PhD as a ‘real world’ qualification and not as a
entirely comfortable.
route to academia, 50% of PhD students do not enter
9. Always ensure that you are fully supported when marking
academia, tolerating bad supervisors is changing. Indeed
students’ work. Any assessments that count towards the final
some universities such as Edge Hill offer a certificate in
degree score should be second marked by a member of the
postgraduate supervision, offering formal lessons and
academic staff.
troubleshooting exercises while others provide workshops
10. Remember that most students are supportive and keen to
and masterclasses.
learn. Design your teaching with this in mind and do not be
Most supervisor’s supervision style is based on how they
afraid to be a bit innovative. Find out about new approaches
themselves were supervised so such training is long overdue.
to teaching and discover the style and format that you are
When choosing your supervisor its important to pick an
most comfortable with and that helps you to enjoy your
expert but also someone you will be able to work with for
teaching.
three or four years and one who at least has learnt about the
changing nature of students and supervision.
international or EU or home. All of these groups of students students as I can to know how to better improve student life
need to be represented by each of the sabbaticals. Certainly at this university. I represent you and I won’t know exactly
postgraduate needs are going to have to be addressed to what you want unless you tell me what you want. It’s that
make sure that all sabbaticals are aware of some of the simple!
differences postgraduates have to undergraduates, but the (Note: This interview has been heavily edited for space)
same goes for the other groups of students I just mentioned.
But the issues that arise with the postgraduates differ mostly
from the undergrads. Since the current sabbatical team is
undergrads, would you consider having a vice position
within the team to deal with the postgrads?
It’s good that you brought that up. There actually will be
another position next year created due to the removal of the
VP Postgraduate Affairs: a Postgraduate Student Officer
has been created within the Students’ Union Executive
Board, not as a full-time sabbatical like the remaining 3 Vice
Presidents, but as a part-time Executive role. So, there will
still be a role on the Union Executive specifically bringing
forward points or problems related to postgraduate students.
So it’s not like the postgraduate voice will go unheard.
AA: Which two words would you use to describe yourself?
GS: That’s a difficult question to answer [laughs]. I would
start with “motivated”. I’m a very motivated individual. I’m
very passionate about my work and about my upcoming job.
I’m very excited about the possibilities that I have to make
a difference next year. Probably my second word would be
“open-minded”. I’m a very approachable individual, socially
outgoing, and interested in hearing what other students have
to say. I could not do what is needed by this job without
that. I will be representing the entire student body, 14,000
students or so. And I need to interact with as many of those
22 MUSIC 9th May 2006
Welcome to a massive 9 page Arts extravaganza – Come one, come all, we’ve got the lot. CD reviews, Gig reviews, interviews, film,
theatre dance & downloads. And if that’s not enough we’ve got a competition with DVDs to give away.
Let the feast begin! (Want to get involved? bf.arts@gmail.com)
THE ORGAN JOSÉ GONZÁLEZ
Grab That Gun Veneer
Too Pure Peacefrog

The Organ are five girls from my na- Whatever deal Sony had, the advertis-
tive Canada (not that that really matters ing worked on me, and I went onto the
Nicole…) and are part of a new wave internet and tried to find out who the
of 80s-sounding bands, reminiscent of hell the artist was in the background
The Cure or The Smiths, but they remind of those colourful balls bouncing
me a bit of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Before down the big hill (did anyone else do
you ask, they DO have an organ, (which that?) I found out it was this guy, José
is appropriate, given their name) and it González, who simply sang and played
is put to good use in their minimalist, if guitar on his album, ‘Veneer’.
somewhat monotonous-but-after-a-while-you-start-to-forget-that-and-just- This was a great buy for me, but unfortunately I didn’t buy whatever it was
listen-to-the-cool-riffs style. Sony was advertising. A lot of González’s songs have drones which remind
You might think, “Oh my God, 80s music, I don’t even want to associate me of old spirituals, but he adds a twist by adding in weird chords when
myself with the concept,” but really, they’re not all synthesisers and pro- you least expect it, created by his down tunings. His picking style is really
grammed drums at all. In fact, they’re much more rock than pop. The lead interesting; you can hear he plays classical guitar and has transferred the tech-
singer, Katie Sketch has a really interesting, deadpan singing style, which, nique over to popular music and it works very well.
weirdly, doesn’t put you off because it fits in with the rest of their style. ‘Deadweight on Velveteen’ is one of the best, with its spartan introduction,
The album is rather short at 30 minutes (30 minutes exactly – the final track and insistent, unrelenting alternation of two notes where his voice floats over
has this funny little fill-in instrumental thingy to take it to the half an hour point) the top. ‘Hints’ is reminiscent of the Latin American style of guitar playing,
but perhaps if it was any longer it might get rather tedious. What is brilliant is whereas ‘Save Your Day’ goes further into the realms of folk. His lyrics are
that in ‘Basement Band Song’, the organ riff is the vocal melody from ‘Brother’ poetic, simple and lilting, just what you need to relax.
which is very exciting for all us music students….or maybe just for me…. It is a shame that ‘Heartbeats’, the track that has had all the hype and the track
anyway…. that stands out on the album is the only one not written by González, but it
I wouldn’t say these girls are amazing, but they work well with what they really doesn’t matter because I think the album as a whole is one of the best
have and have a really different style to everything else that’s out there at the of 2005/06.
moment. Don’t expect virtuosic guitar solos, but put it on in the background Nicole Heel 4.5/5
and you can appreciate it for what it is.
Nicole Heel 3/5 THE ZUTONS
Tired Of Hangin’ Around
BE YOUR OWN PET EMI
be your own PET
XL Recordings ‘Tired Of Hangin’ Around’ is a very apt
title for the latest effort by The Zutons.
If there has ever been a time when The chav-tastic vibrancy which imbued
you’ve felt like letting loose some their debut album seems to be absent;
aggressive energy and going a bit crazy, instead a lacklustre quality fills this album.
or even getting fired up before a night I enjoyed their debut album ‘Who Killed
out, then this album could very well be The Zutons?’, and was anxious to hear
for you. This explosive self-titled debut the direction of their latest recording.
from be your own PET is made up of 15 The band has obviously experimented
short tracks, absolutely full to the brim with blending their unique sound with other styles: ‘Someone watching
with hot-headed, impetuous force, over me’ dips its toe into the country music pond, while the chorus of the
grabbing your attention by the throat. Each track rolls into the next at an almost-anthemic ‘Valerie’ sounds like the illegitimate love-child of a big band/
incredible speed, packed with harsh guitar lines, meaty bass riffs and wicked soft rock pairing.
drum beats all topped off by the screaming, distorted vocals of Jemina Don’t worry though, the quirky sax breaks, choppy guitar riffs and angst
Pearl. The band have three singles out already, two from the album that ridden vibrato-riddled vocals are still there. In the face of the many good
include, ‘Adventure’ and ‘Lets Get Sandy (Big Problem)’, a ridiculously fast qualities of this inventive album, it is the overwhelming feeling of apathy that
paced song under a minute long. This record is half an hour of pure rock and is most noticeable. The once endearing, simple and catchy melodies have
roll punk with a refreshing twist; certain get your adrenaline pumping and become tiresome. ‘I Know I’ll Never Leave’ is an instance of such lethargy
your heart racing. If you feel like a change from norm and fancy something (granted it’s a down tempo tune; but it is languid even in the supposedly
outrageous, head on down to your local record retailer and pick up yourself contrasting ‘punchy’ sections). It doesn’t help that the subject matter for
a copy of this. many of the songs revolves around unhappiness. Singer/ guitarist David Mc-
Cabe sings about instances of: letting someone down, having a hangover
Jake South 4/5 and generally giving yourself a hard time. The sarcastic nature with which he
treats these mundane and depressing subjects adds to the tedium. There
are exceptions, ‘Why Won’t You Give Me Your Love’ and ‘Hello Conscience‘
have retained the fervour of the band’s debut album.
Jonathan Fletcher 2/5
9th May 2006 MUSIC II
PANIC! AT THE DISCO
A Fever You Can’t Sweat Out
Fueled By Ramen
Before, I’d even heard this album I was
told that PATD were quite similar to
wannabe-commercial-kiddo-”emo”
band ‘Fallout Boy’, so I was thinking ‘hey
this is gonna be crap! - go go gadget
harsh review’ - but I was wrong. Yes,
they are both commercial but one
main difference is that Fallout Boy are
absolutely crap and well PATD aren’t
- also PATD sing in English and Fallout Boy sing in moron.
The first thing I’d properly like to point out about the album is that the songs
and the album itself actually have clever names! For example: ‘The Only
Difference Between Martyrdom And Suicide Is Press Coverage’ is a much
more intelligent name than say, any Jack Johnson song title (except ‘Banana
Pancakes’). My point being, there’s a lot more to them than people think. The
instrumentals and samples are adventurous and fit into each other like lego
blocks showing that it is possible to use disco for good. That’s what really
stuck out for me, the way that disco backbeats compliment the melody line
just about perfectly to produce a song that is enjoying to listen to on a ‘pop’
level of things but also has more depth to it due to the rock undertones.
Lyrics wise it is very clever, everything fits into place and there isn’t just
random screaming / a singer making noise where the band couldn’t think of
any decent lyrics - instead there’s disco interludes which are far more fun
and less whiney than a guy with hair over one eye crying on the microphone.
Yes, the lyrics still do deal with the sort of ‘emo’ stereotype stuff, but it’s
done in a fun way that actually has a purpose and isn’t just a pop band
singing about a red dress or a pervert in a closet or potato farming or
whatever those darn kids listen to these days.
To summarise I like PATD – does that make me a whiney little emo child? No.
Ollie Ghaney 4/5
FIONA APPLE
Extraordinary Machine
Sony BMG
I think it’s safe to say that Fiona Apple is
my favorite artist named after a piece of
fruit. ‘Extraordinary Machine’ is the third
offering from the Applemeister, and is
one of the few albums I own which has
gone from -100 to +1,000,000 in my
scale of likeability of musicness ™. To
say it’s a grower, is like saying a cup of
tea is ‘mildly refreshing’.
‘Tidal’ and ‘When The Pawn…’ made Apple what she is today: A successful
singer/songwriter of enormous talent with a massive commercial and cult fol-
lowing. Known for her husky voice, slightly off the wall lyrics (“My derring-do
allows me to dance the rigadoon around you / But by the time I’m close to
you, I lose my desideratum…”), and passionate performances, Fiona Apple
is one of the best acts of today. Fact.
The title track is a lovely little number, integrating pizzicato strings and a
small wind ensemble with a quirky yet delicate melody showing Fiona at
her best. Other stand-out tracks include ‘Tymps’: a bouncy, syncopated,
jazzy affair, ‘Parting Gift’: a gorgeous, lyrical voice & piano ballad, ‘Oh Well’:
A slow, powerful, beautiful harp-n-horn ridden masterpiece, and first single,
‘Not About Love’ – an amazing track with an awesome feel to it – It’s also
got a brilliant video. As with all Apple tracks, expect mucho piano, lots of
jazzy chords, incredible drumming, genuinely incredible song-writing, and a
unique angle that you won’t find anywhere else. Reviews aside, this album is
superb. Please, please, please get to know Fiona Apple.
Patrick Hunter 5/5
23
P!NK
I’m Not Dead
LaFace/Zomba
Having kicked her career off as the
first white R&B artist to get signed to
L.A. Reid and Babyface’s LaFace label,
P!nk has long since shown her true
colours since her R&B-laden debut was
followed up with 2001’s 12 million+
selling “M!ssundaztood” and 2003’s
critically acclaimed “Try This” where she
collaborated with Rancid mainman Tim
Armstrong. Never sticking to one particular style or genre, “I’m Not Dead”
sees her back on the top of her game fusing pop, rock and R&B.
Kick starting the album with the light pop-reggae beats of “Stupid Girls”,
P!nk mocks “porno paparazzi girls” like Paris Hilton whilst she meanwhile
flaunts her own bling on glam rock dance anthem “Cuz I Can”. Collaborating
with former Britney Spears hit maker Max Martin results in the rather foul-
mouthed f**k you pop-rock gem of “U + Ur Hand” with more punch than
American Idol winner Kelly Clarkson could ever feign, as well as the more
subtle and meaningful musings of “Who Knew”. The Indigo Girls duet, “Dear
Mr. President” moves into more provocative and politically conscious song-
writing, whereas the rousing piano balladry of “Nobody Knows” shows P!nk
is still misunderstood whilst showcasing her rarely heard powerhouse vocals.
“Runaway”, an up-tempo pop-rock number, and the poignant orchestral
backed “Conversations With My 13 Year Old Self” touch upon similar themes
of teen angst, whilst R&B even gets a look in with her own melancholy
reflection on materialism in “I Got Money Now”.
The album’s highlight, “Long Way To Happy”, is perhaps P!nk’s best song to
date with lyrical allusions of abuse accompanied by emotive vocals and
haunting guitar and piano driven power chords. Sassy, assertive and hook-
filled, P!nk’s fourth and finest album is the perfect example of her eclecticism.
Joshua Bates 4.5/5
ENGERICA
There Are No Happy Endings
Sanctuary
The album opens with a fit of jabbering
tongue waggling before an unrepent-
ant fury of screaming power-pop-rock
remorselessly flies out of the speakers; a
breakneck 1 minute opening for a great
album. Engerica have formed a mix of
post-grunge, pop-punk and rock mixed
with gloriously over the top lyrics, which
verge from the extreme (“Jesus wept
and gave me a hard on”) to the nonsensical (“Liar, cheater, bogey-eater”)
and all of it angry with the world.
This is the band’s first album and the result of a lot of hard work and a host
of singles proceeding it. A number of these songs the band wrote years ago
and have spent this time polishing them to angry perfection. The results are
songs that are immediately catchy and posses a dark twisted humour that
reminds me of Therapy?’s amazing warped masterwork ‘Troublegum’.
In the press Engerica’s comparisons to Reuben and Million Dead give you a
fair warning of what to expect from them, but despite these similarities they
very much have a style of execution all of their own – even if at times that
style can sound like other bands entirely. My favourite track, ‘Roadkill’ is a
prime example of this; at times it can sound like The Police’s hit ‘Don’t Stand
So Close To Me’ while it thunders along spewing lines like “Don’t do drugs
and don’t trust fat kids!” at the top of its lungs – brilliant stuff.
Neil Boulton 5/5
24 GIGS 9th May 2006
We Are Scientists/ iForward Russia! element, it didn’t matter as everyone in the crowd continued to sing the
The Junction, Cambridge melody right up until Keith threw himself head first into the crowd. As Keith
Tuesday 11 April was swallowed up by the massive circle of ecstatic fans, Chris began to
commentate on what was happening in the style of some ridiculously
Considering that I managed to get in for free, the gig was already off to a unbalanced boxing match. After several minutes of this amusing commentary,
tremendous start the moment I walked in. I had arrived late and missed the Chris and Michael left the stage, leaving Keith somewhere amongst the crowd
first support, Foreign Born, however I was just in time to catch the beginning before being carried out through a side exit, battered and bruised.
of the explosive iForward Russia! set. The three guys and a girl from Leeds This was an absolutely awesome gig right from the word go, and any chance
got the eager crowd dancing along to their pop-punk, rock tracks from the to see We Are Scientists should be seized as they will leave you with a
second they hit the stage. During each song, Tom (vocals and synth) with massive smile on your face and longing for more, guaranteed.
the mic lead wrapped around his body and in between his teeth, rioted Jake South
around, jumping about like a mentalist in time with the music. After a short
but breathtaking set, the sweat-drenched band left the stage which meant
only one thing; it was nearly time for the main event.
After nearly half an hour of waiting, the lights in the Junction dimmed as a
large backdrop of a bat was slowly raised, accompanied by thunder and
lightening sound effects and bright white flashes. Keith Murray (lead vocals
and guitar) emerged grasping a bottle (alcoholic fluids I imagine), followed
by Chris Cain (bass) and Michael Tapper (drums) whose face was concealed
by a skeleton mask. The band wasted no time and jumped straight into their
opening song, “The Scene Is Dead” with everyone in the crowd exploding
into a frantic burst of energy.
Each and every song had the entire audience bouncing around from the first
note, with people being carried above the crowd right from the beginning.
Throughout their set they performed such classics as “Nobody Move,
Nobody Get Hurt”, “Inaction”, “It’s a Hit”, “Cash Cow” plus many more. As
the gig drew to an end, it became obvious that the last song was to be the
crowd favourite, “The Great Escape” which had everyone in the building
chanting the opening riff as soon as it began. Half way through the song
Keith threw his guitar onto the stage and proceeded the rest of the way
without the aid of his instrument. Despite the absence of this fundamental
THE ZUTONS
Neighbourhood Club, London

The success of The Zutons’ first album ‘Who Killed The…’ threatened to
propel this Liverpool 5-piece into a spiral of victory causing Coral fans and
rock-saxophone lovers to get very excited indeed. But despite grabbing a
Mercury Music nomination, they went where all once-really-popular artists
go… HMV’s sale section [sobs]. Thank GOD they’re back with a new album
then; entitled ‘Tired Of Hanging Around’, this could be their big break.
It was on the dawn of this comeback that the Zutons performed a selection
of new and not-new (i.e. old) tracks for an intimate promotional gig in
London’s Neighbourhood Club. The small number of fans were there in
force, and despite it being mid-afternoon, the drinks were flowing freely and
most of them were already in ‘high spirits’.
Starting with crowd favourite, ‘Zuton Fever’, the lads (& lass) played a short
set’ including brilliant new tracks, ‘Valerie’, ‘Oh Stacie (Look What You’ve
Done!)’, ‘I Know I’ll Never Leave’ and latest single, ‘Why Won’t You Give Me
Your Love’, which caused much falsetto ‘woah-oah’ing. The guys were on
top form, secreting loads of vibe (everyone loves a bit of vibe), and really
putting some effort in.
Much to the fans’ delight (although the band weren’t that thrilled…), the set
was repeated so that more shots could be taken (the gig was being filmed
and recorded for reasons unknown) and it was obvious from the crowd that
new tracks sound 100 times better the second time you hear them.
Patrick Hunter 4/5

Yes, I’m sure it’s a really good

album But that doesn’t mean
you should play it at full
volume at 2 in the morning.

Silent students, Happy Homes

9th May 2006 TV / DOWNLOADS 25

Oh my God! They killed satire!

We don’t usually write reviews on TV shows, but the other top student newspapers do, and we would like to win an award. Chris Ward discusses South
Park’s termination of Isaac Hayes’ iconic character ‘Chef’, suggesting that this time, Stone and Parker have truly ruined their own masterpiece.
For our generation, South Park will
always have a place in our hearts. When we
were younger, it was the show we secretly
watched whilst our parents thought we were
in bed. If we were caught watching it, then
God help us. To parents, it was disgusting,
lewd, toilet-humoured rubbish that was
revolting simply for the sake of it.
As the movie came out, the South Park
creators began to show their more satirical
side. Using a rather warped Brechtian-style
satire, they launched a massive attack on
the inconsistency of censorship in the US
through a storyline involving a war against
Canada and a gay relationship between
the dead Saddam Hussein and Satan. This
sealed it - the poorly drawn characters were
etched forever into the memories of our
generation. Kyle, Kenny, Stan and Cartman
became international icons.
Then of course, after years of insulting the
activities and beliefs of religions and certain
groups, Isaac Hayes suddenly decides the
creators have gone too far once his religion
becomes the brunt of the joke. He throws
his toys out of the pram, and walks out. The
episode, however, isn’t aired. Allegedly,
Tom Cruise, a high-profile member of the
Church of Scientology, said he would not
take part in promoting MI3 if the episode
was played, although Cruise and his people
strongly deny this allegation.
There is no doubt about it, Isaac Hayes’
departure from South Park was hypocritical,
and embodied everything bad about
religion that the show has previously tried
to highlight - the fact that it’s OK to insult
someone’s beliefs unless their your own.
The obvious thing at this point would be to
kill Chef in such a way that would achieve
two goals. Firstly, it must really really
annoy Isaac Hayes. Secondly, it should
do so in a way that is perceived as clever,
perhaps highlighting his blatant hypocrisy in
leaving the show.
But alas, it was not to be. The final the most tasteless and unwitty way possible. The entire episode was based upon making
episode sees Chef returning from his Many shows parody taboo these days, and Chef a paedophilic maniac who is eventually
“vacation” brainwashed as a child molester. if done in a way such that the creators are killed by wolves, before being brought back
Audio cuttings from Hayes’ previos blatantly aware that the subject portrayed to life Darth Vadar style. Exactly the same
utterances on the show are pasted together actually is taboo, it is extremely effective level of wit, consistency, and talent you’d
(“I wanna make love to you... children”), in highlighting issues behind that taboo. In expect from a group of eight-year-olds
and basically, the show is put together in this case, unfortunately, it did not happen. taking the piss out of one of their peers.

Download(s) of the Fortnight Killing Joke - Implosion

Ghostigital - Black Sand
http://www.ipecac.com/
There seems to be some buzz about Icelandic exports Sigur Ros, their
music being used in commercials and such. Here’s another Icelandic
export, but a bit different from other Icelandic exports: They are
a project by Einar Örn (From them that used to harbour Bjork, the
Sugarcubes) and Curver (who has worked with Minus) and it’s best
described as an act of abstract experimental hip-hop. Or in very
simple terms; Gorillaz but weirder. Neil Boulton
http://www.killingjoke.com/
They’ve been going since 1979 and they still sound really good. An
impressive feat indeed. It would seem any heavy rock band worth
it’s salt has been influenced or were fans of Killing Joke. Metallica, Foo
Fighters, Mad Capsule Markets, Helmet & Fear Factory have covered
them, bands such as Tool and Nine Inch Nails are fans and Nirvana
were such fans that the riff from ‘Come As You Are’ sounds pretty
damn identical to one from a Killing Joke song (Eighties). So it’s been
over 25 years and they still sound as relevant and scathing as they
did in 1979. Implosion thunders along with scratchy distorted guitars,
ferocious drum work and singer Jaz Coleman’s unique vocal delivery.
Neil Boulton
26 WHAT’S ON / FILM 9th May 2006
What’s on at the Yvonne Arnaud Theatre this summer? V for Vendetta
Come on you lame-brained, heathen philistines. The Yvonne Arnaud has Directed by James McTeigue
got a great Summe rprogram about to take off - So get of yer arses and Starring: Hugo Weaving, Natalie Portman, Stephen Rea, Stephen Fry
get down to the theatre this summer and get yourself cultured. It’s a very
Remember, remember the 5th of
happenin’ place, the theatre don’t you know….
November – yes it’s my mother’s
http://www.yvonne-arnaud.co.uk/ birthday – it also plays a large part in this
movie.
Shakespeare’s War of the Roses
May 9th – May 13th Set in the future, we see a totalitarian
Fuelled by an explosive plot and undeniable human passion, this gripping British society built by the Government’s
theatrical adaptation charts one of the bloodiest episodes in Britain’s history in a insane scare tactics. V (Weaving) himself
spectacular saga of politics, power games, betrayals, bloody battles and anarchy. is an incomparably charismatic vigilante
Henry VI, Edward IV and Richard III, either as stand alone plays or together, for a who blows up St Paul’s Cathedral
seven hour Trilogy Saturday. and then hijacks the Government’s
airwaves in order to spread his message
Three Tall Women of rebellion across the land. Evey
May 16th – May 20th (Portman) unwittingly gets caught up
Three women. Together. In one room. Memories of love, pain, disappointments, with V and as she uncovers more about
hopes and joys… In Three Tall Women, Edward Albee portrays human frailty and him, she also learns alot about herself
ageing with insight, wit, and complete absence of sentimentality. and decides to colaborate with V in his
plot to bring down the tyranny that is
Killing Castro England. The society portrayed in the
May 23rd – May 27th movie is very Orwellian and could be
It is an open secret that the CIA spent years hatching plots to remove Fidel Castro compared to 1984, whilst the storyline
from power in Cuba. Less well known were the suggested schemes to stick an is a mixture of the old Guy Fawkes tale,
explosive in one of Castro’s famous cigars or to poison his shoes with botulism crossbred with Phantom of the Opera. Personally I was suprised at this movie as I
toxin! was expecting another pants Daredevil-type thing which completely ignored the
graphic novel. Thankfully I was wrong as there was no BS with flying sticks and Colin
Paradise Lost Farrell, and there was no Ben Assfleck!
My 30th – June 3rd As the movie progresses, viewers are treated to plenty of great fight scenes
Defeated in battle and exiled from heaven, Satan burns in a lake of fire with his involving knives and guns (wowzers!), a paedophile priest and Natalie Portman
army of rebels around him. Consumed with envy, he plots his bitter revenge – to dressed as a schoolgirl (with paedophile priest at hand of course). Unlike a lot
destroy God’s delight in his newest creation. of movies, this one does sort of have a ‘meaning’ in that we shouldn’t let our
governments control us and shouldn’t be afraid to fight for what we believe in.
A Touch of the Sun Weaving is great as V and Portman even puts on a good show (even though her
June 6th – June 10th accent sounds slightly Australian). Great movie all in all, with something for everyone
Philip Lester is a socialist and a school-teacher. Which seems to be a problem for really – they even manage to get a love story in there somehow, plus there are
his father, his son, his sister-in-law and friends. In fact, just about everybody he fireworks and stuff.
knows. A story of family relations and unsettled society. Ollie Ghaney 4/5

Dangerous Obsession
June 12th – June 17th COMPETITION! DVDs TO WIN!
As Sally Driscoll waters the plants in her conservatory she is unaware that a man is From the cutting-edge vision of cult
watching her intently through the glass. As the visitor locks the door and slips the director/writer Timur Bekmambetov,
key into his pocket it becomes chillingly apparent that this is certainly not going comes the first instalment of the most
to be a social call… anticipated film trilogy since the Lord
of the Rings. Set in contemporary
Oklahoma! Moscow, NIGHT WATCH follows the
June 23rd – July 1st current struggle to uphold a 1000-
Oklahoma! took the world of musical theatre by storm when it opened on year-old truce that ended a savage
Broadway in 1943, becoming the longest running musical of its day and marking war between the edgy forces of Light
the first collaboration between Rodgers and Hammerstein. Set in the Indian
and Darkness. In the present day, an
territory of the American West at the turn of the century, against a background of
underworld of Others with supernatural
conflict between farmers and cattlemen, it is the story of Laurey and two rivals for
powers make up the sides of Light and
her affections.
Dark, existing just outside of normal
society. You can read a more in depth
Emil and the Detectives
July 6th – July 8th review of the film on the page to the
Young Emil is excited about his trip to see his Granny in Berlin but he has no idea right. But if you’d rather watch it
just how exciting his journey is going to be! He meets a mysterious stranger on yourself to find out more then here’s
the train and when his precious seven pounds goes missing, he is determined to your chance. Barefacts has some copies
get it back. Erich Kastner’s classic children’s adventure and all its vivid characters of the DVD to give away if you can
are brought to life by the Yvonne Arnaud Youth Theatre in a brand new musical. answer this question:
Night Watch is available as a two-disc
What country is Night Watch set in? special edition DVD and single disc UMD
In addition to this, the New Victoria Theatre in Woking has a number of events on to buy and rent on 24th April 2006 from
over the spring and summer including Starlight Express, My Fair Lady, Grease and Simple – e-mail: ussu.barefacts@surrey. 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment.
Carmina Burana to name but a few! ac.uk with your answers and ‘Night Watch
For more information go to: http://www.theambassadors.com/newvictoria Competition’ as the subject.
9th May 2006 FILM ARTICLE
It Came From The East…
As you well know, the majority of the movies that make it into the Odeon down
the road are from America and Britain – i.e. The West. With the advent of such
technological wonders as the Internet and DVDs we’re starting to hear about, and
see a lot more of, cinema from the other side – i.e. The East. In this small section
here, I’m going to point out some DVDs from the East (Well, East of the UK... Hence
Russia getting a mention) that you can buy in the shops over here. I’m guessing
most will be confined to the scary sounding ‘World Cinema’ area of the shop. Fear
not the sign of ‘World Cinema’ – open your arms and embrace it gladly. As well as
watching some great films, you can act all superior about it. “I watch foreign cinema,
you don’t, ergo, I’m better than you.” Don’t forget that ‘ergo’ either, that’s like a
pretentious points multiplier right there. On with the fine films worth checking out…
Night Watch (2004) Russia – For fans of Supernatural/vampire films
Amongst all us normal people there
exist those with supernatural powers,
called ‘Others’, some are good and
some are evil (some are vampires,
some can turn into animals whilst
others have visions). Years ago a truce
was called between the two factions
and to make sure these forces of
dark and light upheld this truce, two
organisations were formed: The Day
Watch and The Night Watch. The Day
Watch makes sure the forces of light
stay in check, whilst the Night Watch
ensures the dark forces behave themselves. The movie starts with a normal guy,
Anton, going to a gypsy to perform some black magic for him to get at his runaway
wife. When the Night Watch turns up to stop the meddling old gypsy, Anton is
informed of his ‘Other’ status and is enlisted to join the Night Watch in keeping the
dark side of Moscow in check. The plot follows the Night Watch as they set out to
stop a potentially disastrous vortex consuming everyone and finding a young boy
that could tip the balance between the forces of light and dark for good. The film’s
very stylish (the internet buzz before its release involved the term, ‘Russian Matrix’ a
fair bit), with lots of modern cinematic techniques and special effects being used
to good effect. There isn’t as much action in the film compared to its supernatural
counterparts such as the Blade trilogy of the Underworld movies, but there are
a number of great set pieces in there, (best of which is where Anton has to fight
a vampire that can only be seen in a mirror) and the ending is also remarkably
different for the genre (though as it’s part 1 of a trilogy, it makes sense). The film is
more concerned though with painting as much of the picture between the battle
of light and dark as possible. Definitely worth checking out if you like your vampire/
fantasy movies.
Public Enemy (2002) Korea – For fans of cop dramas
The main character is a corrupt cop on the Korean police force who becomes
obsessed with capturing a psychopath. As the police’s attention is brought to a
gruesome murder, our cop realises
he knows who the murder is – he
has even run into the man! The cop is
transformed from a corrupt lawman,
happy just passing the time, into a man
hell-bent on bringing this psychopath
to justice. Unfortunately, the man
he’s after is above suspicion and his
quest for the justice soon costs him
his detective position. The film is an
exquisite cat n’ mouse style crime
drama with our cop trying to find
some evidence to nail the man who he knows is guilty. Both the characters of cop
and psychopath are well acted (the film has spawned a sequel with the same two
actors, but playing completely different characters in a completely different locale).
Versus (2000) Japan – For fans of Horror/Comedy
“…There are 666 portals that connect this world to the other side. These are
concealed from all human beings. Somewhere in Japan exists the 444th portal....
The forest of resurrection” and therin starts the trouble. A Yakuza gang is on a
mission for their boss involving a girl they’ve kidnapped and an escaped convict.
While waiting for his arrival, things go awry and the escaped convict manages to
shoot one of their number. But just before they exact their revenge on the convict,
27
the dead man springs back up attacking all and sundry. The forest of resurrection
lives up to its name – unfortunately for everyone, they’ve been burying their
assassinated enemies in this forest for quite a number of year now and they’ve
just began waking up, in an understandably bad mood. What have zombies, a
girl and an escaped convict got to do with their boss anyway? If you like films
involving zombies and violent
humour, you’ll enjoy this film a lot. The
plot’s resolution is a bit off, but the
characters and the action contained
in its runtime, from its Samurai intro
to its conclusion are exceptional
– there are a large number of laugh
out loud moments. The character best
described as ‘a bit like Jude Law’ has
quickly entered my chart of all time
movie villains (none of the characters are ever given names, so we had to make our
own up).
The Bodyguard (2004) Thailand – For fans of Action/Comedy
The only Thai movie to generate a buzz
in recent memory was Ong-Bak, a tale of
a small-town boy, Ting, on a quest in the
big city to return a sacred idol to his village
– the fact that said-country boy is pretty
damn adept at kicking everyone’s asses with
Muay Thai made the journey very enjoyable.
This film was made by a large number of the
same people who made Ong-Bak (it even
includes a cameo from Tony Jaa as Ting, the
lead from Ong-Bak). Written, directed and
starring Petchtai Wongkamlao, it’s an action-
comedy in a similar style to Jackie Chan’s breakthrough comedies of the eighties/
nineties. Petchai plays Wong Kom, a bodyguard to a wealthy business family. After
the father is killed by assassins it’s up to Wong Kom to stop the family’s son from
meeting a similar fate at the hands of the assassins. To avoid this fate the son hides
with a family in the slums outside the town, leaving the bodyguard to track him
down before the group of bumbling hitmen do. One of the highlights includes the
bodyguard running naked through the busy streets with only a gun and a small rice
bowl to hide his shame.
Infernal Affairs (2002) China – For fans of cop dramas
This has already made an impact in the western world – it’s already been earmarked
for a big budget western remake; with Martin Scorsese directing no less (Leonardo
Di Caprio and Matt Damon taking the leads, going under a new title ‘The Departed’).
I’ve heard that Scorsese has never watched the film himself, which is a tad
worrying… we’ll have to wait and see how the transition from east to west turns
out.
The film is a solid cop drama, with emphasis on tension and suspense rather
than excessive shoot-outs. The protagonists are two promising cadets from the
Hong Kong police. One ends up as an undercover cop inside a powerful crime
syndicate, while the other ends up as a mole for the same syndicate in the Hong
Kong police. Suddenly, both sides work out they have a traitor in their midst and
each of them is tasked to find his counterpart in the other organisation. The result
is a stylish cop thriller which is well worth looking up… possibly before the west is
done re-writing it and moving it to Boston.
Neil Boulton
28
WE WILL ROCK YOU
Storyline: Ben Elton
Musical Supervisors: Brian May, Roger Taylor
When ‘We Will Rock You’ first graced the stage of the
Dominion Theatre in 2002 the reception was less than
lukewarm. In fact, it was pretty much tepid – we could
even broach ‘cool’. But as soon as Brian May did his thang
at the Queen’s Golden Jubilee celebration over the summer,
and the cast of the show performed their rendition of
Bohemian Rhapsody, suddenly everyone wanted a piece of
the action.
And these people were not wrong to ‘want it all’ (did you
see what I did there?) We Will Rock You is a spectacular,
fast-paced, utterly rocking and rolling musical. I went to
it expecting it to be decent since it involved the songs of
Queen, whose songs I think rock, but never did I expect
what I saw.
THEATRE 9th May 2006
The storyline is somewhat Orwellian in style. It’s 300 years
further into the future – in the year 2046, rock music was
banned, and a totalitarian government has taken over,
providing programmed music for the masses to listen to,
which the song, ‘Radio Ga Ga’ speaks of. The characters
all have their own stories, and express themselves through
the songs, ‘I Want to Break Free’, ‘Killer Queen’ (one of the
best) and ‘Somebody to Love’ to name but a few. The
pop culture references are never-ending, with flurries of
lyrics from famous songs thrown in at every opportunity,
and comments on artists of today for good measure. It
was inspired!
The characters were extremely well played, the main two
being Galileo Figaro and Scaramouche, who had superb
voices. At the very end, the cast gives in to the audience
and sings Bohemian Rhapsody and the closure is brilliant.
Never before have I seen so much mass consumerism put
to such good use. Nicole Heel 5/5

The New Statesman: Episode 2006
The Blair-B’Stard Project
Starring Rik Mayall.
By Laurence Marks and Maurice Gran.
New Wimbledon Theatre.
May 1987. Alan Beresford B’Stard is elected as the Conservative MP for the
North Yorkshire constituency of Haltemprice. He wins with a majority of over
26,000, giving him the largest majority in the House of Commons. This fact
appears to be somewhat related to the head-on car crash involving his two
main election opponents. (Another candidate, Screaming Lord Such for the
Monster Raving Loony Party, finishes second to B’Stard)
So began the political career of Rik Mayall’s outrageous Alter Ego in the ITV
sit-com The New Statesman in 1987, a satire of the very worst excesses
of the Thatcher government. Along the way, he would bankrupt two
British companies just to hang on to his job; frame two members of the
government; fake his own assassination attempt; be imprisoned in a Russian
gulag for a failed genuine assassination attempt; be sentenced to death and
set up numerous charities with names abbreviated to C.A.S.H. (Insisting on
payment by cheque, of course)
Aside from an occasional outing for Comic Relief, B’Stard last reached
audiences in 1992, having staged a French invasion of the Channel Islands
to win the General Election. The long absence of this scheming, conniving
character from entertainment was ended when the writers of the sit-com
announced a theatrical production with Mayall and Marsha Fitzalan – reprising
their roles as B’Stard and B’Stard’s shopaholic wife respectively (Ex-wife is
a possibility, pending divorce settlement) – providing similar political satire
that some feel is needed in today’s stage-managed political climate. Similar,
but not the same: quite obviously, the Conservative party isn’t currently able
to indulge itself with a three-figure parliamentary majority due to losing three
successive general elections.
This, of course, doesn’t stop B’Stard: he has jumped over to the Labour
party (“…[they’re] more right-wing than the Tories anyway.”) and now finds
himself living in Downing Street. Regrettably, for him, it isn’t in Number Ten
itself. Nevertheless, B’Stard’s office at Number Nine Downing Street has
sufficient room for his ego, along with many buttons on his desk for various
functions that are well-used throughout the performance. What his function is
isn’t explicitly defined, however, he describes his role as being critical to the
running and life of the Labour party, more so following recent slumps in the
PM’s popularity.
B’Stard returns just as monstrous, cynical and manipulative as before: in one
moment, he is keenly concentrating his attention on taking advantage of an
unconscious secretary while an urgent political crisis is unfolding; in another,
he recalls how he bent the ear of the Prime Minister soon after becoming
Labour Party leader to see how much the pair had in common. (“ID cards
for the poor, credit cards for the rich!”) Suspicion is pointed at him for being
involved in the sale of peerages, a strange bearded man appears to chase
undelivered goods and Condoleeza Rice (Alexandra Gunn) is a regular
visitor. (In between invading foreign countries)
The plot itself is somewhat interesting. However, the humour tends to
derive from the same B’stard exhibiting the same traits responding to similar
situations in the way we expect. Only this time with the Labour party in
power. In addition, the storyline has many strands that seemed too separate.
Perhaps, if Marks and Gran had been making a new updated series of the
show, then they could have taken the elements singly and made them into
individual episodes. As a result, the conclusion is rather flat as each strand is
picked off one-by-one rather than all of them unravelling / coming together
to culminate in a great crescendo. Paradoxically, the performance manages
to end with a bang and a whimper. In addition, the remainder of the humour
derives from tired, well-used swipes against those in authority and those
that surround them. Also, those who feel that the usage of the word f*** is
instantly funny and worthy of applause will enjoy this.
Mayall portrays his character very well, and his portrayal of the outrageous
politician who once dealt with an over-flowing in-tray by setting it on fire, but
the performances don’t go far enough to hide the fact that it didn’t really live
up to expectations.
Overall, the show is somewhat enjoyable. Unless you are a Mayall fan, or are
a sucker for jokes about the attractiveness of Cherie Blair, or the word f***,
don’t rush out for it.
Colin Everett 2.5 / 5.
(Note: By the time this hits the stands, it won’t be at the New Wimbledon
Theatre. It will have moved to somewhere else)
B’Stard
9th May 2006
Interview With Nerina Pallot
Nerina Pallot is everything you wish a pop star
could be: Polite, friendly, charming, talented - but
calling her a star may be a little premature – at the
moment anyway. You may have come across Miss
Pallot over the past month, be it in magazines, on
the radio, or her appearance on Top Of The Pops
a few weeks back. But Nerina is no stranger to the
music industry. In fact, this new wave of interest
marks the re-release of her second album, Fires,
later this year. Having your first two albums flop
would discourage most people, but there’s no
stopping Nerina and her attempt to make it big.
So how’s it all going music-wise?
It’s going… Interestingly! It’s a really curious time
– I’m getting loads of new experiences like Top Of
The Pops this Sunday…
…are you looking forward to it?
Yes – I think so! It’s all a bit overwhelming really!
It’s been a funny old week. I got discovered by
Jo Whiley on Wednesday, and I’m doing TOTP on
Sunday… I guess it’s the critical moment when I
could have a hit, or I could sink once more with-
out trace – but I’ve done the latter before so I’m
not too afraid of it! But yeah, it’s exciting – I just
have to remind myself to not take it too seriously.
You did quite well… I bought your first al-
bum ages ago…
You bought it with your own money! My god! I
owe you a drink! It was a funny old time for me
then because that was when the world loved
Dido. It was very hard for me to get any love at
press or radio – I got a bit of love at Radio 2 and
a bit on Virgin but I think the other problem was
the way I was marketed because I was on a very
pop label [Nerina was signed to Universal Mu-
sic]. People really didn’t have an idea of me as a
musician – they didn’t realise what I do and so
they automatically put me in a very sort of ‘pop’
area, and they were surprised when they found
out I could write songs. They were even more
surprised when they found out that I played an
instrument and some of them thought I was lying
when I said I had my own studio, so it was really
difficult for me.
You have your own studio?
Well at that time I actually had a bigger studio – I
didn’t have room at home and so I was renting
a place. It doesn’t matter for just a small ProTools
setup and a few keyboards and things – it was
enough space for recording live. In a way, my
studio at home now is much smaller, but I don’t
have anywhere near the outboard I used to have.
I just use plugins all the time… they’re amazing!
And no noise problems! There’s still stuff that I
won’t part with like good microphone preamps,
but I can’t be bothered having all that stuff and all
the patching and all that rubbish; I just become
lazy because ProTools has let me! I couldn’t have
done this record without it… I did so much of it
between London and LA, but it was brilliant be-
cause I could also do things like vocal, guitar and
keyboard overdubs in London by myself.
MUSIC INTERVIEW
Who produced Fires?
A few different people: Howard Willing [Smash-
ing Pumpkins] was the main producer, Wendy
Melvoin [The Like] and a guy called Eric Ross [Tori
Amos]. But they’ve all been my friends and so I
just roped them in and they were really sweet and
helped me out. In the real world had I not been
friends with them I could never have afforded to
work with them, but they did me favours and they
asked their musician friends to do favours and so I
was very lucky.
I think in a way it really helped me not having a
label to make the record because I think they took
pity on me! [laughs] And in a sense the record has
a lot more meaning to all of us because of that.
When we were making the record, we were do-
ing it because they liked the songs and wanted to
play; I didn’t know what was going to happen to
it - I guess we just made music for the right rea-
sons.
Are you planning to reissue Dear Frustrated
Superstar [Nerina’s debut album]?
That’s not up to me – that’s entirely up to Univer-
sal. I don’t know. I should imagine if I was to have
a hit and Fires was to sell well, then they would
probably do that. I wouldn’t be unhappy… do
you have your original copy? Don’t part with it!
It’ll go well on Ebay if I have a hit! For a while you
could pay 50 quid for it…
What’s your favourite song on that album?
I think on the first one it’s… hmm… it’s a tough
one… my first album’s really dear to me. I’ve been
doing interviews and some people knew the first
one and they were like: “what a big mistake that
record was” – I don’t think it’s as good as Fires
because I think I’ve become a better songwriter,
but I made the best record I could make at that
time. I did my best. Oh it’s really hard. I’d say ‘If I
know you’ or ‘My Last Tango’…
…I like Blood is Blood
Do you know that’s one of the ones I play consist-
ently live. Actually that would have to be another
favourite. That’s my brother’s favourite song I’ve
ever written.
I saw you at Warwick supporting Suzanne
Vega - It was just you and a piano. Do you
prefer that or do you like performing with
the whole works?
That tour was just heaven on Earth for me: I got to
open for a heroine of mine, and that was the best
piano on that tour… no, I’m telling a lie, it was the
second best one - the one at Basingstoke was
the best Steinway [Uber good/expensive piano
makers] – that was a Steinway grand. When you
get an instrument like that, you don’t want anything
else! For me I just wanted to hear that piano. I’ve
been doing really, really bad gigs in toilets up until
that tour, and I remember in the soundcheck, I
sat down at the piano and started playing a few
chords - and it made me cry! You’re a musician
– you understand when you get given a great
instrument – it’s a moving experience. I’ve been
doing shows with me at a grand piano and a string
quartet… and I’m loving that. It’s really great fun.
29
Is your upcoming tour like that?
Yeah I think it’s going to be like that. We may even
add a rhythm section – we’re talking about it at
the moment. I’m rehearsing with a new band to-
morrow to do TOTP with me, so if that goes well
we might use them. I’m doing a show at Regent’s
Park and I think that will be a band and maybe a
string octet.
We’ve got a new Steinway at our univer-
sity… would you like to come and perform
for us?
I’d love to! Anywhere with a Steinway! How big is
it…is it a concert?
…I think so…
[Very excited] Aw man! A new concert grand!
What music are you listening to at the mo-
ment?
I’m loving Richard Hawley’s album. He used to be
in a band called the Longpigs and then he was
playing guitar with Pulp for a while I think… oh
he’s brilliant. You’d love him; it’s so musical… it’s
just stunning. Really sumptuous. What else… Josh
Rouse… have you heard of Josh Rouse? I love
him. He’s really good. There’s loads of great music
out at the moment. Don’t laugh – I love the new
Madonna record… I think it’s brilliant! There’s so
much… Orson! I love that ‘No Tomorrow’ song. I
can’t believe I’m saying this – I’m always like “crap
music, crap music!”
I know what you mean… I’ve been thinking
lately that I’m spending too much on music
and not enough on things like food…
That’s a good thing! That’s how it should be!
You play the piano, guitar, you sing, play
bass, violin… anything else?!
I‘m rubbish at the violin but not as rubbish as I was
when I started to learn the cello!
What’s your favourite? It’s got to be piano…
Yeah it is. Although, I’ve just got my hands on a
beautiful 1961 Guild Starfire Three, which is the
finest electric guitar I’ve ever owned. I kinda keep
playing it, but you know what, if I had to make a
choice between my Guild and that Steinway at
Warwick or Basingstoke, I’d choose piano. It’s a
tough choice. I’ve got a great bass actually, but
I want to progress to long scale [longer-necked
bass guitar]. I’m a bit afraid of long scale. I’m hop-
ing if things go well this year I might buy myself a
Rickenbacker bass.
Patrick Hunter
Look out for ‘Everybody’s Gone To War’, the first single to
be taken from forthcoming album ‘Fires’, both released this
summer.
30 DANCE 9th May 2006
Dance Showcase: Actual Size Dance Company Dance the Town Red 27th April, 2006

Actual Size Dance Company (ASDC) presented their first bi-annual show-
case of work for 2006 on the 22nd February. The company is made up of
university students from several areas of study, including Dance, Sociology,
Economics, Music and Business Studies (to name but a few). Functioning as
a society with an autonomous artistic destiny, the company have full support
of the dance department staff that also designate rehearsal space for Actual
Size.
The showcase entitled ‘One Size Fits All’ included six dance works, cho-
reographed and performed by company members plus guest perform-
ers, which had been in preparation since September 2005. The first of the
pieces was 5th Line, an atypical, intricate demonstration of strictly interesting
dance; sprucely presented, the angular action is enthralling. With their fingers
attached to their toes via a strip of elastic, the dancers strived to evolve as
both two and three-dimensional creatures.
‘Laundretiquette’ executes the torturous experience of a visit to the laun-
drette through a multi-faceted use of narrative and tableau. A real hit with the
audience, Asbury and Bicknell brought to life a comic strip of the secret life
of the laundrette. The bodies huddle together in cloth like heaps, manipu-
lating one another as machinery. Mechanic masonry meets romance; slap-
stick and a bundle of gender stereotypes are thrown in along the way. An
untitled work in both a literal and choreographic sense, in which the term,
‘abstract’ is taken to the extreme was next. Said to explore the characteristics
of stars and star-signs the dance succeeded in stressing the individuality of
these through the minimal interaction between dancers. A well-rehearsed
display that was a little too short and sweet…
In ‘Dis-Coloured’, Chan and Khural stage a lucky dip of short dances, that cul-
minates in a choral performance of poetic monologue and movement alike,
beginning with a group in white who skim, sweep and glide harmoniously
through the space, then to black where bodies are compacted, conversing
in twos in a solemn contrast to the previous demonstration. ‘Mind The Gap’
contained lots of entrances and exits; dancers continuously filter in and out
of sequenced shapes. An illuminated work in bright reds and oranges, the
dance exhibits an assortment of dancing devices, from talking to walking,
sitting to standing and chatting to miming. The dance takes on a selection of
identities; two dancers sit and mime to one another, as if the television has
been muted, the group cluster together and chit chat to an immense volume
as if in the school playground. At times the piece seemed a little under-re-
hearsed, regardless of which the performers gave true sincerity to what they
did.
A full house, the evening showcased the company’s knowledge, expertise
and will. Actual Size intends to continue working on new projects in asso-
ciation with several local dance organisations over the coming months and
hope their showcase will encourage new members. It is refreshing to witness
the inventiveness and professionalism of such a motivated society.
Laura Griffiths
Six UniS MA Dance students transformed Woking Town Centre with a series
of site-specific dance performances on Thursday. ‘Dance the Town Red’
included choreographic works with themes ranging from urban concrete
jungles to memories of a past life. The choreographers used spaces such as
a mural wall opposite the train station, the Peacock Walk, and a bandstand.
The audience was given a tour around town, guided by stewards carrying
red balloons.
A particularly compelling performance by Yuko Kominami captured the
familiar image of newspapers rustling on streets. The audience was invited
to wander between three crumpled pieces of newspaper, each concealing
a dancer whose movements creased and stretched their coverings, creat-
ing a sense of abandonment. The energy of the performance increased as
body parts were revealed, and dancers collided into each other as if blown
by the wind. Musical accompaniment was from a violinist whose instrument
arrived in a shopping trolley.
‘Betty’s Day Out’, a solo performance inside the Peacock Shopping Centre
by Karen da Silva, gave intimate insight into the character of Betty, trapped
within a time warp of her own personal memories. Performed by a coffee
shop in the food court, dressed in 50s costume and dancing with a teapot,
this poignant solo was received with both humour and empathy. It was also
the Mayor of Woking’s personal favourite.
With other highlights of the programme including a trumpeter on stilts playing
alongside dancers running down a red carpet, Dance the Town Red rein-
forced the University of Surrey Dance department’s pioneering reputation in
site-specfic work. On Wednesday 17th May, our own campus will be trans-
formed when the second year dancers present their site-specific perform-
ances.
Iris Chan and Kathryn McMeekin
Photography by Lucy Monaghan

Happatai:
About as
far removed
from the
dance articles
on this page
as you can
get...

But at least
they’re happy
and nearly
dressed...

YATTA!
9th May 2006 SPORT/SOCIETIES 31
Netball Tour Salou 2006:
With last year’s successful tour to Rimini,
were played, with both teams showing
this year’s tour to Salou (Spain) looked
excellent team performances in different
promising to be bigger and better.
pools of the competition. The Surrey 1sts
It all began when a bright eyed group of
finished second in their pool progressing
netballers met at Luton Airport for an
through into the knockout stages where they
afternoon flight out of England. After a very
proudly took on Sheffield 1sts. Sadly they
long sweaty coach transfer we had arrived a
failed to conquer their tiredness and lost to
day early at our hotel the ‘Calypso’, for the
Sheffield but still ended in the top six of the
festival to begin the following evening.
competition out of thirty two teams in the
After making ourselves feel at home by
tournament!
the beach, pool and at the hotel, drinking
The tour progressed with LOTS of drinking
copious amounts of alcohol with very little
and fancy dress, in line with the tour themed
food, sixteen ‘Surrey Sizzlers Superheroes’
nights, with the main highlights for the club
began their task of conquering Salou in the
including; the very hot weather giving a
first on the tour’s themed nights. With song
chance for suntans to begin by the hotel’s
conductor Bubbles leading the ‘TUNES’
pool, the team’s love (lead by Bubbles and
of the Surrey Netball Massive and games
Spuggy) for the croquet at the hotel, and First word... ‘the’
master Subway, large amounts of alcoholic
finally stumbling across a wee Scottish
consumption occurred before the first day After all the drama, it was definitely a week yous to this year’s tour organiser Tyson, and
bar where large amounts of free and cheap
of sport. This meant that members were in to remember and wouldn’t have been the Spuggy for her hard work alongside Tyson
alcohol were consumed!.
varying states at the 9.15am coach transfer same without anyone, so a big thanks to in organising this years tops!
Thursday arrived only too soon, and we
to the courts. Bubbles, Cleavage, CJ, C-Lo, Fraggle, Pippy
boarded the coach back to the airport a bit
With two Surrey Teams entered into a round Pinky, Mrs Whippy, Sparks, Speedoes, Roll on next year!
worse for wear after a day’s sun bathing by
robin netball tournament, numerous matches Smiles, Spillage, Subway and special thank Love Keeno
the pool.

Liberal Democrat
Friday 12 May, HRB @ Rubix 21:00-03:00

Society
End of Year Event

Debate & Drinks

Motion: “Does freedom of
speech mean the ability to say
what you like?”

With Guest Speaker

Jo Swinson MP
Shadow Scottish Secretary & youngest MP in the UK.

Chaired by Mark ‘Zeph’ Griffiths

Thursday 18th April 21:00-22:00

22:00-23:15
Zebedee DMS OPEN DECKS

Technokrazyak
Broadcasting live on
1350AM GU2 and online at
www.cyclonedance.com
cyclone & WiLDCHiLD present
the ‘Ibiza Tear Up’. 7 days and
7 nights of sun, sea, sand,

HRB, 6:30pm - 9pm

sex and pure unadulterated
23:15-00:00 DJ Nosh Entrance is £2 before 10.30 and
£4 after. NUS/USSU Affinity Card
cyclone & WiLDCHiLD! Packages
start from £319 covering flight,
00:00-01:00 Alex Pizzoferro holders and guests only. hotel and over 150 Euros of club
discounts. Quote “WiLDCHiLD
01:00-02:00 Methy

Entry: Free
Listen to the CYCLONE” and call our travel
Cyclone Dance Show agent Nick or Lisa @ Vacation Club
02:00-03:00 Navella Caretto Monday to Thursday
21:00-22:00 on GU2.
on 0208 780 5551. For more info.
check out www.cyclonedance.com
32
Surrey Fencers miss out on BUSA Shield
Surrey Men’s Fencing Team was defeated
in the final of the BUSA Shield, part of the
National Indoor Finals held in Sheffield.
The depleted team consisting of Daniel
Brooks (captain), Jonathan Clarke and
Martin Pezet travelled up to Sheffield in
good spirits, and we were all pleasantly
surprised that Jon’s car had got us there in
one piece.
Having won our league, we had qualified
for the Fencing Shield final and our
opponents were Aberdeen University. The
venue was busy with numerous matches
going on that day with some top quality
fencers there from other universities such
as Oxford, Cambridge and Loughborough.
The first weapon up in our match was Sabre,
a weapon that Martin had never fought
competitively before, so a crash course
from Dan was in order! Surrey narrowly
lost the weapon 45-38, but Dan received
particular praise for his performance from
Surrey Dive Club head to OBAN 2006
Tom Ellis
USSAC Chairman
What is made up from one week, thirty
seven people, three minibuses, one van (full
of kit!), a boat and a 1050 mile round trip to
Scotland? What else could it be other than
total chaos? It could only be the University
of Surrey Sub-Aqua Club’s (USSAC) annual
Easter dive training trip to Oban, on the west
coast of Scotland!
After a rather bumpy start to the biggest
trip to Oban ever, one bus having a crash
before we even left Guildford and one
breaking down in Leeds for 15 hours, we
all finally got there in one piece with some
people arriving a little later than others!
Eventually we all managed to get to our
home for the week, Cologin Chalets and
Puffin Dive Centre, our diving base for the
week.
After launching our club boat Garfield,
everyone was gagging for their first dip in
Puffin Bay to do a kit check and for some
this was their first dip into salt water.
A successful first dive in the water was had
by all and after a trip to Tesco’s to get the
weeks shopping in, the diving and drinking
began to swing into action (not at the same
time of course!). The great thing about
where we were staying was that there is a
This edition of barefacts was brought to you by the letter ‘X’, the number ‘2’ and a group of motivated individuals.
That’s it for this academic year. Hopefully this year barefacts has been interesting, gotten you through a dull lecture,
told you something you didn’t know before or straightened that wobbly table for you.
If you want to be involved in barefacts next year - The Time Is Now - e-mail ussu.barefacts@surrey.ac.uk
SPORT 9th May 2006
match officials. The Epee followed, and
Surrey again were beaten this time 45-37.
By this time the chance of overall victory
had started to slip away from us and with
Aberdeen having a team of seven members
they were able to bring in Foil specialists
for the last set of bouts and were clearly less
tired than the Surrey team! The foil weapon,
was nothing short of a disaster for Surrey,
losing heavily 45-13, meaning the overall
score was 135-88, the first time the team had
tasted defeat all season.
The day was however great fun and
the team were very pleased even to have
qualified for the finals, and indeed the
Fencing team were the only Surrey team to
medal at any BUSA final this season, so with
slightly battered pride we took the journey
home in an even more battered VW Polo
defeated but on reflection pleased with how
the season had gone overall.
fully stocked pub less than 100m from your
bed full of the finest Scottish whiskies, so
ideal for students like ourselves… but not
so ideal for those early morning starts where
some people looked a little worse for wear!!
(not mentioning any names Nic!).
The rest of the weeks diving was split
between two large ribs (Rigid-hull Inflatable
Boats) ran by Puffin Dive Centre taking
us to sites locally and shipwreck sites up
the Sound of Mull and also dives from our
club boat. We dived popular wreck sites of
ships that had sunk in the area such as the
SS Breda, a huge 6941 ton steamer destined
for Bombay laden with cargo of cement,
tobacco, biplanes, military supplies and
aircraft spares sunk in 1940 by German
bombers. We also dived scenic and drift
sites such as “Eileen’s Crack”, which has
an abundance of sea life on it including
conger eels, crabs, lobster and even the odd
octopus! Although finding it sometimes is a By Friday the week was over already and Another successful training trip for the club
mission in itself! Most people dived twice considering the awful weather we had it over, with 300 dives safely completed during
each day and had defiantly progressed their was a general consensus that everyone had the week and our biggest trip to date, at
training, most completing their ocean diver a wicked time! So, off we went to the bar times absolute chaos but the rest of the time
qualification by the end of the week. again for the usual dive club drinking antics, a lot of fun!
Thursday saw a night dive in Puffin Bay to I won’t spoil it all but think what you can do If any of this interests you perhaps sign up
experience diving in the dark with only a with a mucky pint and a snorkel and you are for USSAC at next years Fresher’s Fayre
torch light to find your way, a very different most of the way there. or just get in touch (me31te@surrey.ac.uk),
experience that’s for sure and it was enjoyed we’re a friendly bunch and you’ll have a
by all! great time!