Monday

19 September 2005

Published by the USSU

Communications Office.

Issue number 1090

Free

The University of Surrey Students’ Newspaper

Konsumer Revolt! barefacts Room 101: Barefacts is going In This Fortnight’s Paper
own team of scientific Guinea to banish select annoyances Comment | Does Patriotism =
Pigs. This edition they’re trying to the depths of this infamous Racism? | Page 4
OR out supermarket own brand room. What tortures of the Arts Section |Reviews of all
soft drinks... Do they live to tell modern age are going to be and sundry |Page 11
the tale? | Page 11 reloacted? | Page 5 Puzzles| So, barefacts has a
Su Doku now? | Page 22

New Year, New Management

By Chris Ward
This summer USSU and UniS said
farewell to former-Vice Chancellor
Professor Patrick Dowling CBE, DL,
FREng, FRS; and welcomed Professor
Christopher Snowden FREng, CEng, FIEE,
FIEEE to his new post.
Professor Snowden began his academic
career at the University of Leeds, where he
graduated in 1977. He later completed his
PhD on the design of microwave oscillators
for Radar applications.
As well as having a new Vice Chancellor,
USSU waved goodbye to the former
sabbaticals and welcomed the new team
of Flo (President), Ellen (VP Education
& Welfare), Piers (VP Societies &
Culture), Bex (VP Postgraduate Affairs),
Paintbrush (VP Sports), and Tree (VP
Communications).
The sabbs were elected in Spring this year,
and have been working hard all summer
in preparation for both returning student
and for the freshers who will be beginning
in week 3. Professor Snowden started his
job as the new Vice Chancellor in July, and
will be officially installed in a ceremony at
the Guildford Cathedral at the end of this
month.
In response to his appointment back in
July 2004, Professor Snowden said, “I am
honoured and delighted to be appointed
and look forward to leading the University
forward, gaining further recognition as a
world-class institution in research, teaching,
learning and enterprise. I am particularly
keen to promote the drive for quality and
success in all the University’s endeavours,
whilst fostering an environment that fully
values its staff and students.”
Patrick Dowling, the former Vice
Chancellor, leaves UniS to take up his new
role as Chair of the BA Council for the
British Association for the Advancement of
Science. In response to the appointment,
he said, “I am delighted to be taking up
this important appointment as Chair of
the BA. It is absolutely fundamental to
the future health of the nation’s economy
and quality of life that the role of science
be fully understood, appreciated and
supported by all. I am looking forward to
the opportunities and challenges of this
position.”

barefacts Cares Knife Wielder Apprehended by Security

We at barefacts appreciate that whilst perus-
ing our excellent literary masterpiece during
lunch at Chancellors, the paper may take up far
too much table space. We understand that the
juggling of reading our prestigious newspaper
whilst holding a pint can be quite taxing both
physically and mentally.
To show we care, we have reserved a space
below for you to place your pint. This space
would cost other companies around £100.
We don’t want your money though, just send
articles, lots of them... barefacts@ussu.co.uk
PLACE
A drunken drug addict who was
apprehended by security after breaking
into student halls masquerading
as a student was sentenced a few
weeks ago. Terry Gosthling, 20, was
sentenced at Guildford Crown Court
after admitting eight charges including
burglary, theft, affray, deception,
and possessing a knife; the Surrey
Advertiser reports.
The prosecution stated that Gosthling
stole a student’s wallet, using a bank
card to obtain money and alcohol,
burgled a student’s room, and
threatened campus security with a knife
when they approached him.
This is not the first time that
Gosthling has terrorised the campus.
Union using the stolen NUS card.
Three members of security staff
apprehended Mr Gosthling, after a
student noticed him and two other
people he did not recognise in a
campus kitchen. According to the
prosecution, security found Gosthling
“very drunk” and attempting to get into
a student’s room, which he claimed was
his girlfriend’s. He then picked up a
knife and threatened to stab the security
staff if they did not let him get away.
Security disarmed him, and he was
arrested later when the police arrived.
These incidents come as Surrey loses
its “Safest County in the UK” accolade,
coming second to Wiltshire.
The Union applauds the bravery
that Guildford is still one of the safest
places to study in the country.
The University has recently
introduced UniS Watch, which is
a service that will allow students to
report information about something
that has happened on campus that the
Chief Security Officer should be aware
of, without the student having to to
become directly involved.
Barry Jakeman, the Chief Security
Officer at UniS, has stressed that the
UniS Watch service will allow students
to “report information both safely and
anonymously”.
In regards to crime on campus, Mr
Jakeman emphasises that UniS is “one
of the safest places in Surrey in which

DRINK Last year, CCTV caught him going of the University of Surrey security to work, study and visit”. He adds to

HERE
backstage at the Union last October,
stealing a hooded top containing a
wallet and cash. He similarly used the
stolen card later that evening, and a
doorman caught him trying to enter the
department in ensuring the safety
of our students in such dangerous
circumstances. Although Surrey is
no longer the safest county, the Union
would like to stress to all students
this that the campus benefits from a
very low crime rate.
UniS Watch can be accessed from the
UniSlife intranet page:
www.surrey.ac.uk/unislife/

None of them knew they were robots...

2 NEWS 19 September 2005
Like a very unusual day in the fifties at the BBC, there’s no news. Well, aside from the news on the frontpage.
That’s not say nothing’s gone on in the world - much has. It’s just there’s no more news for barefacts this edition...

Fancy ‘running’ barefacts?

This edition of barefacts was compiled Dearest Reader,
and lovingly crafted without a proper editor.
On the xxth of September barefacts will be We were supposed to have an interview with the new Vice Chancellor here... but the
having an AGM to elect in a new editor, and deadline came (and went). Anyway - This big area of white space (sort of filled with
a new selection of sub-editors. text) helps to highlight something - Barefacts doesn’t write itself (If the technology
There are also design positions available exists for it to write itself someone’s keeping it a secret... damn them). In the past
- Did you think this edition looked bland & everyone’s been used to barefacts coming out come rain or shine... this reliability
unappealing? Think you can do better. Well, was a super-human feet (especially weekly) and lead to implosion of the paper last
I’d love you to have a go at redesigning this year. Now we’re going fortnightly in an attempt to sustain ourselves (the dream
paper into a brand shiny new look. is to be weekly) and we’re going to grovel twice as hard for submissions (You’ve
probably read at least two pleas for articles by now) So read, enjoy & return the
The AGM will be at 6pm on Friday favour - Write something for everyone else to read & enjoy.
23rd of September in LTE
Yours lovingly,
Absolutely any one can stand for these barefacts
positions, no experience necessary. Very (Best not to ask how a publication can sign it’s name)
few people come to university (especially
Surrey) with experience of working on a
news paper so helping out with barefacts
is a rare opportunity for people interested
in printed media and even if you just want
to contribute to the paper there’s something
truely satisfying about seeing your work in
print.
If you’ve still got questions you can come in
and speak to me, Neil (VP Communications),
in my office in the media centre (Which
is found in the Students’ Union Activity
Centre.
Rather than
shamelessly thieve a
news story off a news
An attempted list of Contributers: website for the sake
If you’re name has been missed off this list, of having news I have
humblest apologies... decided instead to
include a picture of a
Neil “Tree” Boulton - Editor-in-Chief, Lay-up barber shop quartet.
Monkey, Secret lemonade drinker...
Chris Ward - Liberal Democrat, Lay-up “ Woo! It’s Barefacts!”
Monkey
Phil Howard - Journalist Back & Better
Lia Parker - Features Editor, provider of many Than Ever!
features
David Hynds - Keeper of Room 101
Flo Oyeleye - Students’ Union President, no
less.
Tracey Abegg - Girl Guide
FCS - Mystery Author
Emma Clarke - Wise in the ways of cookery
(Thong, Bertie, Susan, 3/3 & Special - Fizzy
Drink Test Pilots)
Beth Heale & Nicole Heel - Both Arts editors,
both arts reviewers barefacts is an editorially independant newspa- Normally there would be a letters page in this
Ollie Ghaney - Arts reviewer per and is published by The University of Sur- publication, much like any other newspaper.
Sam Carney - Arts reviewer rey Students’ Union Communications Office. But it’s the first edition of the 2005/2006 aca-
Lisa Ahmed - Postgraduate Editor, theatre critic demic year. And, well... to be honest, no one’s
The Alumni Society The views expressed within the paper are those sent us any. Too busy haveing a good time over
Dr. Russ & The Careers Office of the individual authors and do not necessarily the Summer to complain... or something simi-
Matthew Gardiner - Storyteller represent the views of the Editor, the Universi- lar.
The Afro-Caribbean Society - A society ty of Surrey Students’ Union or the University
Colin - Everett - Webmaster & Puzzlelord
of Surrey. You can take the time to write and post in if
Peter Wigfield - Ultimate Player
you want... but most people e-mail.
Tom Wallis - Hockey Player
barefacts reserves the right to edit submissions
barefacts
...but as you will probably read, many times, in
barefacts@ussu.co.uk Union House
this paper - We always need new contributers,
University of Surrey Students’ Union
so pick up a pen (or more realistically, get to a
keyboard) and empty the contents of your brain
www.ussu.co.uk Guildford
into letters so we can all read it. Go on, it’s very
Surrey
cathartic. Copyright USSU Communications Office 2005 GU2 7XH
19 September 2005 NEITHER HERE NOR THERE 3

The return of a legend, on the brink of change

Phil Howard.
The air is stale, and the room dim. But there is
noise. An over-caffeinated student of question-
able facial hair coverage cranks a handle furi-
ously, and stops. Adjusting the paper in front of
him, he begins again. Ink stains form tribal lines
down his cheeks.
Across the room, there is furious typing. Another
late submission, another furrowed line on a fore-
head writ large with concentration. Typing mis-
takes cause her momentarily to raise an eyebrow
– such that by counting these flickers of discon-
tent, you could measure the spelling accuracy of
tomorrow’s product.
Some time later, after the sun has slid slowly
over the rooftops of Stag Hill and its crowning
cathedral, a key rattles in
the lock. Over-insulated and
under-slept, the morning “Barefacts is many
crew bundles into the ex-
pectant stillness, ready for
things to many
the task ahead. Shepherding people”
and manhandling bundles of
badly printed page into bags
and boxes, they head back out, down the stairs,
and out of the students’ union – third floor, Sen-
ate House.
In 1968, this was how the words from the writ-
ers mouths became the printed organ known
as barefacts. Not to add too much austerity to
the thing. As a paper, it grew from the division
caused when Battersea College of Technology
moved to Guildford to become the University of
Surrey. Changing with the times, the technology,
the writers and the students in its audience, it
became a weekly twenty-four page paper, some-
where between free local papers and a tabloid
in style, content and design. But, as with most
student papers, with broadsheet pretentions. week, or when the colours on the front page are
After the absence of this format for a semester miles off. Hopefully enough notice when there is
(with a brief stint of six issues as a bi-weekly proper investigative journalism, or crucial news
magazine in Autumn 04), the organ returned with and events.
a new drive, now as a society, and with more of- Barefacts was brought about in 1968 to unite two
ficial union support. And this Autumn it has re- campuses, two groups of students, two worlds.
turned with full force. Produced in the realm of We face another era when this is also necessary.
computers, professional printing, and in some Yet this time instead of a temporary divide, we
part full-colour, the paper retains a few things in have a permanent one. The room is no longer
common with its ancestor; written by students, musty, Senate House will be far from harbouring
read by students. it, and the questionable facial hair may be less
Thirty-seven years ago, the institution was split prevalent.
between Battersea and Guildford as it graduated But barefacts lives on, a legend on the brink of
from its College to University, it stands at the change.
start of another road, from one campus to two.
Manor Farm is perhaps closer (being under a
mile away), and has been part of the plan for the
university since its inception, but
it remains no less unknown.
Most students at Surrey never see
the whole campus – as a music
student you may never venture
into the realms of the academic
blocks, and as a nurse you may
never explore the reaches of Sur-
rey court. So many barely discover more than the
areas they live, work and pass en route to Tesco,
let alone another campus. What then of students
on Manor Farm? No commonality of experience
as far as the unforgiving laundrette, or negotiat-
ing underpasses with pained fingers?
Barefacts is many things to many people. Some
ignore the news as out of date and shallow; oth-
ers rely on it to connect them with the world
outside. Hardened puzzle addicts ignore the mu- A Phoenix, mythical fire-based bird that
sic reviews, and the shiny new Vice Chancellor raises itself from it’s own ashes (artists in-
is unlikely to dedicate time to the sport. Yet its terpretation)
charm is its constancy, its universality. We all
read it. We all notice when it’s missing for a

Agony Niece
Q. I don’t know why but I keep bumping uglies
with my ex. I know its only sex for him, as he
once slept with three different women in one
week, me being one of them. But I really like him
and can’t let go.
Q. I moved into halls earlier than most people and already I feel really
lonely. It’s the first time I’ve lived away from home, and it’s even
harder when I have no one to talk to. I see people walking around cam-
pus, talking and laughing with other people like they’ve known each
other for ages. I’m scared I’m going to be left out.

A. What a lovely term – “bumping uglies”. It is
a very ugly thing to be sleeping with your ex. If
you are hoping to win him back by sleeping with
him, I’d give up as I don’t think that’s on his mind
if he’s sleeping with other women. Remember the
two of you broke up. Make a new year’s semes-
ter’s resolution not to see him. If you miss male
attention, go to the Union and pull some random
drunk. There’s more dignity in that!
A. Those people you saw could have been second or final year stu-
dents, so they probably do know the people they were walking with.
They were freshers once and they came to the university with no
friends. Remember that all first year students are in the same position
as you right now. When more people have moved into your accom-
modation, leave your room door open so you can say hi to people. As
you’re already moved in, you could help the others unpack. The only
way you or any first year student is going to get to know each other is
if you talk to one another.

Q. My girlfriend is obsessed with shoes. I didn’t realise how many pairs she had until
we moved in together this month. She never has any money and expects me to pay for
things when we go out. Now I know why! I’m worried that she’s going to get into seri-
ous debt because she can’t go past a shoe shop without trying a pair or two on.
A. Personally I don’t understand some girls’ obsessions with shoes. I suggest you use
an evil girly trick- make her feel guilty. When she’s trying on shoes, work out what else
she could buy with the money, like “wow, you could buy 25 pints with that”. A less evil
trick is trying to get your girlfriend to compromise. If she wants a new pair of shoes,
then she’ll have to give up something else for a while. She may dislike for trying to stop
her splurging, but she’ll thank you in the long run.
Q. When I got drunk I accidentally kissed my friend’s ex boyfriend. It’s not like I was
interested in him, it was just for a laugh. Now he won’t leave me alone. He keeps say-
ing that he knows I want him, but I won’t do anything because of my friend. He won’t
take no for an answer. He has asked if I will go to his one evening so we can talk over
dinner. Should I go to try and sort things out?
A. No no no no NO! For starters you would be giving out mixed signals, and he might
think he’s going to get lucky. If he cannot accept you are not interested in him, then
you should avoid him as much as possible. Any time you spend with him, in his mind,
means that you like him. The less you see of him, the less likely he’ll turn stalker on
you.
4 COMMENT 19 September 2005

Patriotism = Racism?
After the London bombings, the country is beginning to ask what caused our own people to turn against us. Chris Ward
proposes that maybe our attitude to British patriotism is anything but constructive in building a safer and more united country.

In the aftermath of 7/7, the country seems to be inevita-

bly moving towards the “How do we stop this happening
ever again?” stage. Charles Clarke is likely to force eve-
rybody to carry around bits of plastic with biometric data
that will probably be sold as consumer data to the corpora-
tions in a few years time. Tony Blair is likely to use it to
heighten his War On Stupid and invade Iran. And Bush?
Well, let’s just say he’s going to spend a lot of time over
the next couple of years wishing he’d listened to our cries
warning him about climate change.
So, at some point, it’s likely that the can of worms
labelled ‘bombing other countries’ may soon be opened
again by Dubya in a feeble attempt to climb back up the
approval polls. Until then, we’re having a few problems
of our own at home regarding the possibility of so-called
“home-grown” suicide bombers. I must confess, I found
myself the other day on the tube avoiding walking onto
any carriage with somebody holding a rucsac (regardless
of their ethnicity, I’d like to add). Although the atmosphere
in London at the moment is still one of unity, these so-
called “home-grown” bombers have put a cloud even
in the minds of the government. If suicide bombers are
from Afghanistan, Blair goes and bombs Afghanistan. If
they’re from Iraq, Blair goes and bombs Iraq. This time
the government didn’t have an external scapegoat, and tube tragedy victims. So, in a democratic society, one minute silence for those who lost their lives on 7/7, my
they can’t exactly bomb Leeds now can they? that we are trying to install in other countries I might add, thoughts were with the many innocent people that have
So the war on terror turns into a war on multiculturalism. the government now has a right to restrict our freedom suffered as a result of the last few years, and I prayed that
David Davis blames the fact that many sub-societies are of speech. Is blaming Iraq an unfair comment to make? their families would be given the strength to cope with the
living amongst one another in isolation, and argues that around twenty-five thousand innocent civilians were killed terrible loss they have been burdened with. In this sense,
they can never live together in harmony. He insists that out there, surely we’d have pissed somebody off? Surely perhaps it is racist to be “patriotic”? If somebody believes
they should become more “British”, obviously in the hope if a member of your family is savagely killed because an- that the death of a foreigner is preferable to the death of a
that if they turned into beer-swilling pissheads waiting in other country didn’t like your government, you’d want re- British citizen, surely the purest and most sickening form
the kebab queue, they’ll be less likely to strap explosives venge? To get shouted down for suggesting that there was of racism must be ripe in the mind of that person? How
to their chest in the name of their people and their reli- a motive behind such bombings is reminiscent of what the can nationality make the death of an innocent person more
gion. Is it at all likely that these suicide bombers are being republicans did after 9/11 to try and or less wrong?
nurtured by a sub-culture conflicting with our own? Or
are the Conservatives simply using this as an extension of
counter the fact that the Bush govern-
ment had screwed up.
“How can We can’t continue tearing at
each other, looking for something
their “It’s not racist...” campaign - a proxy by which they
can express their distaste for foreigners without suffering
What the government fail to realise nationality make to blame rather than trying to find
however, is that by using the deaths of a constructive way forward for a
from the official label of “racist”? innocent people as justification to kill the death of an country united not against terrorism,
Of course, if anybody is to suggest to either Mr Davis
or Mr Blair that this whole incident came about as a re-
more innocent people, they are com-
mitting the ultimate atrocity. Whilst
innocent person but against everything that anybody
could ever throw at it. A united
sult of the Iraq War, they get shouted down as being un-
patriotic and are accused of treading on the bodies of the
they accuse the opposition of treading more or less country is not one that looks at it-
self and sees “multiculturalism” - it
over the dead, they fail to acknowl-
edge that the dead came around be- wrong?” is one that recognises diversity, but
cause of their actions. What about does not make our differences sig-
Jean Charles de Menezes? It would nificant, whether those differences
be rather dangerous to postulate as to whether or not the be on the grounds of race, gender, sexuality, or any other
facts have been hidden from the public in regards to that insignificant factor.
matter, so we’ll avoid the rather contentious issue of who To that end, the terrorists have succeeded. They wanted
is to blame. My point is not directly related to that part division, they wanted bloodshed and death, but most im-
of the incident, but more to the fact that after the shoot- portantly they wanted to spread fear. Blair and Bush have
ing, the government revealed the seemingly irrelevant fact delivered that fear-filled society - one where we are afraid
that de Menezes’ visa had expired. It would have at least to question; one where our right to free speech is presented
been respectable if the government had simply apologised at the end of a long contract, riddled with plenty of con-
for the death and shown a sincere level of regret that such ditional fine-print. Taking our right to protest outside of
an incident had occurred. Instead, they seemed desperate parliament was a huge step backwards for the future of
to wash their hands of any innocent blood - he had to be democracy.
guilty of something. Surely this attempt by the govern- Whatever your opinion on the Iraq War, and whatever
ment to undermine the fact that this man was a victim of your opinion on 7/7, please do not allow any government
miscalculation and neglect is beyond the lowest level of to restrict you from making that opinion known. I may not
disrespect? agree with the pro-war group, but I would never condone
So what about us? There are many of us that believe a the gagging of their opinions. If we reach a time where
human life is a human life. Who cares if that human life people are scared to speak their minds, then the terrorists
is from Iraq, Afghanistan, Britain, etc.? During the two- have truly won.
19 September 2005 FEATURES 5

ROOM I’m fairly sure every single one of us likes complaining, it’s like a natural instinct

101
or something. David Hynds is going to help us vent our spleens at the bits of
existence that really bug us, using the Room 101 concept from George Orwell’s
1984 (Or the Room 101 from the BBC TV Show if you haven’t/can’t read 1984).

A line from the infamous novel by George Orwell; 1984. Not only is it the year that I was
born (along with a good few others here at Surrey), but it is one of those classics that I
For a moment he was alone, then the
have yet to read – maybe in the course of this year I will. door opened and O’Brien came in.
Anyway, I digress. Room 101, a fantastical place in which one could place what that
individual deemed; ‘the worst thing in the world’ – in this case, Winston’s scenario was
rats. I can imagine a lot of things worse than rats, as can a great number of other people ‘You asked me once,’ said O’Brien,
– therefore, this slot in your fortnightly Barefacts has been devoted to airing some of your
Room 101 choices.
‘what was in Room 101. I told you that
you knew the answer already. Everyone
Firstly, a few of my choices, to give you some ideas and to spur you on, after which
details are listed so you can get your pet hates aired, and hopefully, banished to Room knows it. The thing that is in Room 101 is
101. Think of me as a younger, more attractive Paul Merton (but perhaps not as funny),
who will discuss your choices, and ultimately decide whether I agree or not.
the worst thing in the world.’
Quote from 1984
On with the list…

1. Hypocritisicm 2. Classical Chillout Albums, and Specialist Classical Albums

I know it’s not a word as such, but it works just
as well as it covers a number of things under
the same banner. It irritates me so much when
people go against their own principles – a case
of ‘one rule for one, one rule for another’ (not
to be confused with one ring to rule them all…).
Now, I must clarify. It is not the people themselves
I wish to be put into this chasm, just the act of
being hypocritical – it’s an ugly thing.
Think of the benefits: People would be able to
trust in what is said (unless lies are told), and with
trust in the world, life would generally be better
– where it not for the next things on my list.
Things such as ‘Mozart for Babies’ Yes, I know that Mozart is
supposed to be a good aid to brains and intelligence, but it
hasn’t done me any good. I’m a music student, and as such,
I relish the fact that most classical music is infallible, without
the need for a Barber’s Adagio for Strings Club remix – it’s
unnecessary. Basically, classical music out of context shouldn’t
be permitted. You lose a whole chunk of the intelligent
understanding when you have just an extract of the piece.
An interesting definition of classical music is thus: The other 30
minutes of music from that car advert. This is sadly true, people
generally name classical music from the advert; O Fortuna,
from Orff’s Carmina Burana, becomes ‘The Gillette advert
music’; The Flower Duet becomes, the British Airways theme
– Basically, it’s a travesty.

3. People’s dependency on computers

I know that they’re a technological marvel, and
that they have done great things in advance
humankind, but you’d be in a bit of a pickle if
things crashed. There was nothing wrong with
the old system, except people’s pure laziness. I
must say, I’m using a computer at the moment
to type this, but only because I couldn’t carry my
typewriter to Uni, and that I’ve forgotten how to
use a pen – such is the depravity of the situation.

4. Political Correctness overkill

It’s ridiculous now. It’s got to the point where
the only people that can be ridiculed without
consequence (and lawsuits) are white, English
males – and they’re not that funny in the first
place. I’m not saying that racism, sexism and all Somebody please save us...
those otherisms are OK; it’s just gone a bit far.

5. The fact that people don’t appreciate me making up words
I know that some of my made-up words are sometimes silly;
but if they do what they are supposed to do, then why not? I
mean, new words are being made up all the time. CHAV, for
example, comes from the Romany word, chav or child, but
has become used to mean the lower class; uneducated and
ignorant people. Robot wasn’t a word until someone made it
up, as were a great number of words. I am careful not to use
them in assessed coursework, so I won’t lose out on degree
marks – but I feel it is my duty to expand the already vast
English Language.
Anyway, I hope you’ve enjoyed my ramblings. Next edition, it’s over to you…
If you want to contribute to Room 101, then send an email to; mu21dh@surrey.
ac.uk, with ‘Room 101’ in the subject line. Don’t forget to write a little about
yourself, and ensure that your choices are explained fully.
It is the columnist’s right to edit entries as he deems fit, so it would be most
useful if explanations are lengthy, and in detail. Barefacts and the columnist
will ensure that the majority of your contributions are used, however; if
suggestions are in any way derogatory, then they shall be omitted (Note from
editor-in-chief: He’s right you know...)
Remember, keep it clean.
David Hynds
6 UNION UPDATE
It’s been 3 months since many of you last stepped inside or even thought about the Students’
Union Flo is here to tell you about some of the things that everyone’s been getting up to union-
wise over the Summer break.
Flo s a y s...
For those who are freshers or were on
placement or didn’t pay any attention
to the student elections that were held
in April, my name is Flo and I am
your students’ union president. I am
one of 6 student officers (Bex, Ella,
Paintbrush, Piers & Tree) that run the
students union on a day to day basis,
representing all students of Surrey to
improve all areas of student life.
This years sabbatical team (student officers) is not only
one with individuals with great ideas to make your student
experience better but also a team that wants to efficiently
represent. To do that we need to be very aware of all
student issues and that’s were you all come in. It’s up to
you to be very open with the student officers and when
you see them tell them about the issues that matter to you
as a student. We intend to do our best for students and our
work started months ago during the summer. I will now
begin to tell you about what projects the students’ union
has been part of and then what the student’s officers have
been doing over the summer.
The students’ union has been very busy over the summer.
The great weather made it so hard to stay indoors, we
decided to extend Chancellors patio so there is more fun
in the sun for all at Surrey. The refurbished laundrette
(reopened June 05) has evolved over the summer from
a room with new laundry facilities to an all singing
and dancing laundry chill out area (unlucky guys, the
seats are not very Feng Shui). We have been working
closely with a variety of external organisations such as
19 September 2005
Guildford Borough Council, Barclays part of the decision committee for the architect for the
Bank, South East Area NUS etc on
all aspects of the students’ union in
manor park sports facilities, moved forwards with
re-defining colours ball for the future as a way of gaining
order to develop our services (oh better recognition for the sports teams, sat on the BUSA
yes, we do try). Local discounts were phase 2 strategic review committee guiding the future of
negotiated with a few local shops and student sport for years to come, recruited Zoe Riding as
the promo stuff will be with us for Sports and Activities administrators and is working on
freshers fayre. The union has taken its more professionalism in coaching of clubs and working
time this year to develop DAVE (skill more closely with UniSport for a better student sport
development scheme for students) experience. Yeah, he has been busy.
and FUSE (enterprise scheme for
student) further this year. These two
schemes have not just got new training
material and workshops but also have new sponsors. The
students union are constantly looking at ways to improve
the service we offer and one of the big internal changes is
within finance provision for clubs and societies so that our
clubs and societies committee member have better access
to their finances.
This year marks the beginning of an era for postgraduates
with Bex (VP Postgraduate affairs) organising the
first union postgraduate freshers’ week for the new
postgraduates (Oct 4). Piers (VP Societies and Culture)
has been working hard ‘hob nobbing’ with uni staff
preparing for freshers’ fayre and societies. Ella (VP
Education & Welfare) has been working on improving the
programme representatives system within our university
& deciding on and preparing my campaigns for the year
(there are 4 priority campaigns). Neil a.k.a Tree (VP
Communications) has by far been the busiest member of
the sabb gang, redesigning all of the union leaflets and
marketing material. He still had time on the side to design
the freshers’ material too (show off!). And last but not the
least sport. There hasn’t been much going on in that area
over summer, just that Paintbrush (VP Sports) has been
So what about now, I hear you ask. Well this week is
the busiest in the university calendar with the freshers
arriving. I urge all the oldies (returning students) to be
nice to the newbies and advice them wisely. They are
likely to get lost in our maze of a campus so help them
get around (boys, it not only about FAF). Rubix has a
great fest of event this week. The union shop (which
sells your ‘University of Surrey’ merchandise, Rubix
advance tickets and more) had a grand opening on Sunday
18th. The student officers will continue to represent all
students on various university committees and remind
them to KISS (Keep it simple Sir!) for students. So till the
next edition, enjoy freshers week.
Flo says…..Oh! Do not forget the students’ union
AGM on Tuesday 20th September at 03MS01 6pm.
For one lucky attendee there will be a big surprise…
For any comments please email me:
ussu.president@surrey.ac.uk.
19 September 2005 UNION UPDATE 7

The First Union Council of 2005/05

4th October
Seasons Restaurant
at 6pm

It is where descisions are made

It’s where you can make your feelings known
on virtually any issue.
All students are allowed, and encouraged, to
attend council
So if you want to ask your student officers any
questions or hear about where the union is
headed strategically, come along.
Simple as that.

The USSU Annual General Meeting

(see poster)
What’s that then?

This happens once a year, it’s when the union

presents it;’s annual report of the previous year
to it’s stakeholders.
That’s you by the way (If you hadn’t guessed).
It’s not a very long affair.

Ever want to have a position of responsibility

within the Students’ Union?

Well now you can. It’s the part-time student

officer elections!

There are various positions you can stand

for, you could be organising events (Culture
& Events Officer), running campaigns
(Campaigns Officer) or telling the President
what to do (Union Chair). There are over 10
positions available for motivated students
(There are even perks involved too).

You could even represent the University of

Surrey Students’ Union at the yearly NUS
conference by becoming a conference
delegate.

To find out even more about the part-time

elctions go to the website or similarly go
straight to Flo (He’s the President) in his office
in the Students’ Union Activity Centre to get a
nomination form.

You can do it!

ussu.co.uk/elections
8 FEATURES 19 September 2005

Surprise yourself with GirlGuiding UK

Campfires, knot-tying, and cookie-selling? Not quite. Tracy Abegg expels the stereotypical
preconceptions of the GirlGuiding UK movement.
Everyone has heard of Girl Guides, but how much do
you actually know about it? Have you ever been put off
of becoming a member because you thought it was all
about camping in the Great Outdoors and tying knots?
Well I’m here to tell you what it’s really all about and
how you can get involved.
Girlguiding UK is the new name for the Guide Associa-
tion, an organisation for girls and women aged from 5
to 65. It started in the early 20th century when an army
general named Robert Baden-Powell developed a training
scheme for boys which became known as Scouting. He
noticed a demand for a similar scheme for girls who were
inviting themselves to the boys meetings and less than
five years later he created Girl Guides.
There were mixed reactions to this, many people ness of topics such as teenage pregnancy or drug abuse
ing could provide you with more resources and it can be
believing it wasn’t appropriate for girls to be running amongst young people in Guiding.
linked easily with the Queen’s Guide Award, the highest
around and mucking in with the boys, but today there are What ever you are interested in Girlguiding UK is
award in Guiding. Scheme’s like this are brilliant for
more than ten million members worldwide, proof that for you. It looks great on your CV, especially if you get
trying new things, things you may never have thought of
Girl Power is still a very big thing. involved with units and trainings and you get the oppor-
before or have been to scared to try.
So as a university student, what opportunities are open tunity to travel and meet new people all the time.
You could become a Young Leader and help out at the
to you in Guiding? The average age of university students Girlguiding UK has a vision, a vision to have enough
local Rainbow, Brownie or Guide unit or you could take
is 18 to 23 making you the perfect age to join the Senior volunteers to enable every girl and young women to have
it step further and gain your Leadership qualification to
Section. This is for girls and young women aged 14 to 26 the opportunity to join Girlguiding UK. You could be a
become a fully fledged Leader. This is brilliant if you
and you can do practically anything that takes your fancy. part of that. To get more information please go to www.
enjoy working with young people and is great for devel-
If you were a Brownie or Guide and enjoyed it or girlguiding.org.uk and surprise yourself!
oping organisational skills and leadership qualities. Many
simply want to meet new people and have a laugh, you If you are already involved in Guiding and wish to
teachers are Brownie or Guide Leaders so if you’ve been
could join a Ranger unit and challenge yourself with the continue while at university then there are options for
thinking of a career in teaching then becoming a Leader
Look Wider scheme. This is a scheme in which you pick you to. Local units are always looking for extra help
could be good experience for the future.
and choose activities from a range of topics including and there is a Ranger unit very close to the university.
If you are interested in a career in youth work then you
Creativity, Out of Doors and Fit for Life in order to chal- The Guide and Scouting Society is currently dormant
could even become an In4mer for 4, Girlguiding’s Peer
lenge yourself. at Surrey, but it wouldn’t take much to start it again so
Education scheme. This involves basic training and can
If you are thinking about taking part in the Duke of if anyone is interested then feel free to contact me on
lead to travelling to different areas to raise the aware-
Edinburgh’s Award scheme, then doing it through Guid- tracy_abegg@hotmail.com

What is a Student?
by F.S.C.
According to the UniS website, there are over 12’000 students (postgrad and undergrad)
registered with the university on award-bearing programmes. Twelve thousand? Well
with so many of them about, we must all know what a student is. So what is a student?
One common image conjured up when thinking of students is alcohol. All students like
getting drunk as much as possible…. don’t they? I can safely say they don’t. For starters I
don’t drink alcohol and I’m sure I’m not the only one. At least I hope I’m not!
Let’s go for a more obvious answer. A student is someone who studies. Well we all
know people who turn up to every lecture, spend hours in the library or sat in front of the
computer. We also all know people who rarely get out of bed for lectures, don’t do any
extra reading, but still manage to pass exams. I hardly think that can be classed as study-
ing.
What about student cuisine? Beans on toast and Pot Noodles. If that is all you eat, then
you certainly haven’t been reading the Barefacts food page. Last year I lived with people
that cooked fancy meals like lobster in white wine sauce. And I bet you all think I’m
exaggerating. I’m not.
Not actualy students... but trained actors...
So is there anything that links all students together? Dress sense? Music? Celebrity
most fantasised about? Brand of toothpaste that gets your teeth whiter than white with
a minty freshness? I think it’s safe to say that even if you can think of a trend amongst
students, there’ll always be someone that breaks the mould.
They say that variety is the spice of life. I haven’t lived a full life yet so I don’t know
about that, but variety is the spice of students. It’s brilliant that we have such a diverse
group of people all bunched together under the label of “students”. Just think, if we all
left university dressed the same, with the same interests and the same goals in life, how
would people tell us apart?
You might think that person in your lectures is a bit weird because they dress funny or
belong to some obscure society, but if you talk to them you may just find you have some-
thing in common. If you don’t have something in common, even better! That way you
can get the chance to experience how someone else lives their life. Perhaps being open
minded towards others is what makes you a student. Not a student either
19 September 2005
Flash... aaaarrrghhhh!
For those with a lot of time on their hands and a tendency to do things that have very little point.
Lia Parker introduces us to the concept of Flash Mobbing.
Pillow Fight Club in action
“The first rule of Pillow
Fight Club is - you will tell
everyone about Pillow
Fight Club.The second rule
of Pillow Fight Club is - you
TELL EVERYONE about
Pillow Fight Club.”
Ever felt like doing something pointless yet wonderful at
the same time? Something silly yet something well organ-
ised? Why not take part in a Flash Mob?
This craze involves hordes of people turning up in the
same place at the same time. They do something daft for a
few minutes then disperse as quickly as they arrived. The
reason behind it? There is no reason!
Flash Mobbing started in New York in June 2003, when
over a hundred people massed on Macy’s department
store. At 7.27pm the crowd assembled in the rug depart-
ment and congregated around one rug. If a member of the
Sofa UK gets flash-mobbed by some weary patrons
FEATURES
Mob was approached by a sales clerk, they simply said
that they all lived together in a warehouse, and wanted a
love rug to play on.
The idea has caught on all over the world. In Japan, peo-
ple took over the streets dressed as Agent Smith from The
Matrix. London experienced its first Flash Mob in August
2003. A sofa shop in central London was bombarded by
250 people at exactly 6.31pm, and Mobbers were instruct-
ed to speak (in English) but not to use the letter “o”, and
commend the shop owner on the quality of his goods. Af-
ter 7 minutes, and a loud applause, the Mob disappeared.
Flash Mobbing is made easier by the internet. People can
sign up to various groups, and will receive e-mails, telling
them the date and destination of the next Flash Mob.
They are usually asked to text or e-mail anyone they know
that might be interested in joining in.
Some people have tried to use Flash Mobbing to advertise
their products, but it doesn’t really work. The idea behind
Flash Mobbing is that all the people mass unexplainably
and randomly. Some have suggested that Flash Mobbing
could be used by politicians or today’s youth to make their
voices heard. But it shouldn’t be like that. Flash Mobbing
is meant to be harmless fun that anyone can participate
9
in.
Of course, when you have a good idea, people take it and
try to make it better. There are different versions of Flash
Mobbing. Two of the most common are Pillow Fight Club
and Mobile Clubbing.
• The first rule of Pillow Fight Club is - you will tell eve-
ryone about Pillow Fight Club.
• The second rule of Pillow Fight Club is - you TELL
EVERYONE about Pillow Fight Club.
• Third rule of Pillow Fight Club, someone yells “Stop!”,
goes limp, taps out, their fight is over.
• Fourth rule, only 100 people to a fight.
• Fifth rule, one hundred fights at a time.
• Sixth rule, shirts, shoes.
• Seventh rule, fights will go on as long as they have to.
And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first time at
Pillow Fight Club, you have to fight.
You get the idea.
Mobile Clubbing is similar Flash Mobbing, but most com-
monly take place in train or underground stations. Instead
of doing something random at one precise time, everyone
starts dancing to music on their personal music systems.
These gatherings come highly recommended. As Mobile
Clubber, Jared Schiller said, “You get to listen to all your
favourite tunes, cause a bit of commotion and have great
fun at the same time... And, as an added bonus, you give
weary commuters something to smile about on their way
home from work.”
So there you have it; another silly craze that’s taken the
world by storm. But why should we have to go all the way
to London to partake in a Flash Mob. How about starting
our own in Guildford?
Send your articles/letters/
personals to:
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
When Mobile Clubbing there’s always
someone who looks cooler than you...
10
Many people ethink that dialing up the take-away is easier than cooking. And to be honest it is, but it costs a fortune. Do you
use the reason you can’t cook as an excuse? Well, not anymore Emma Clarke is going to show us some of the basics to
mysterious art of cookery.
Back to basics:
After a funky summer break, it’s now back to
university and amongst the aches and pains of
starting dissertations and re-learning how to use
your brain, the biggest stress hits us: how do we
cook again?! Oh the joys of student life!
If your pocket can’t handle endless takeaways
and trips to Chancellors for brekkie before lec-
tures, never fear! Barefacts, aka the new Jamie
Oliver, will be providing you with yummy reci-
pes and tips for student cooking.
So if you’re one of the following: on a budget/
wanting to get healthy/need cooking ideas to
impress the chick you have your eye on/ or
simply determined to prove to your mum that
you do know what a chopping board is, then
read on!
Next week: Meals on a budget: Quick Pan
Pizza; Flapjacks
Basic Mince Recipe
(Serves 4)
Prep time 5 mins
Cooking time 20 mins
Ingredients:
350g minced (ground) lamb or beef
1 medium onion
2 cloves garlic
1 can of plum or chopped tomatoes
Mixed Herbs
Salt and Pepper
1 oxo cube
Tablespoon olive oil
Tablespoon of soy sauce
Tablespoon tomato ketchup
75ml red wine (or water)
Method:
Chop onion and garlic finely and fry
in pan with olive oil. Once onion and
garlic are soft, add minced lamb
and cook on medium heat until
FOOD 19 September 2005
How to cook Pasta:
Boil water in pan with pinch of salt
and olive oil.
Add 100g pasta.
Simmer for 10 minutes.
Drain and rinse with hot water.
How to cook Potatoes:
Baked Potatoes:
Pierce skin with knife and microwave
on full power for 8 minutes until hot in
middle;
OR bake in oven for 25 minutes at
180 degrees c.
Boiled Potatoes:
Wash, peel, chop into shapes and
boil in pan of water (with pinch of
browned (approx 5 minutes). salt) for 15 minutes, until soft through-
Chop plum tomatoes and add to out, drain and serve with melted
pan, stirring frequently for 5 minutes. margarine.
Add a teaspoon of herbs, tomato Mashed Potatoes: As for boiled
ketchup, soy sauce and salt and potatoes, then drain and place
pepper. in bowl with 20g margarine, 2
Make stock by breaking up oxo cube tablespoons of milk, and pepper,
and stirring into wine. then mash until light and fluffy.
Add stock to pan, bring to the boil,
simmer, then reduce for 10 minutes.
Serve with spaghetti and parmesan
cheese; or baked potatoes and veg-
etables.
Tips:
1) Any un-used mince can be frozen
for future meals (simply defrost and
microwave on full power for 10min-
utes).
2) Use this recipe for Chilli Con Carne,
by adding a can of drained kidney
beans and chilli powder, then serve
with rice.’
I hope each and everyone of you readin this realises the
amazing comical value of having an advery for a
takeaway on the same page as an article encouraging stu-
dents to cook... I do.
William Shatner: Iron Chef
19 September 2005 KONSUMER TESTING 11
barefacts very own attempt at a consumer
testing section. We were aiming for inter-
esting and informative...
by Neil Boulton
The world is a dazzling place, and there is no place more dazzling than the supermarket. They’re magnificent caves of commerce, a sensory overload of signs and offers. The
Konsumer Revolt aims to help you steer yourself through this dazzling maze and guide you to some of, in our opinion, the best products to be found. Our first target for the Konsumer
Revolt is soft drinks. Carbonated beverages of the lemonade & cola varieties – but none of those major brand names, oh no - As students we can’t afford luxury brand name beverages,
we must drink the cheap & the cheerful. We must drink the supermarket own brand fizzy drinks!

Six lemonades and four colas were located for this rigorous taste testing. All were from Round One: The Colas on their own...
supermarkets within walking distance of campus here at Surrey. Each drink was tested
in two ways: Way the 1st, as a regular soft drink & Way the 2nd, as a mixer to some very
cheap alcohol. Way the 1st will give us a valuable incite on how drinkable the drink is
normally and Way the 2nd will show us how well each drink covers up the flavour of
cheap, bad tasting, alcoholic substances (We perceive this as one of the main uses of
supermarket own brand fizzy drinks...)

The marking for each of the soft drinks was to be a very simple process, each of the 6
testers could either ‘Yay’ or ‘Nay’ each of the drinks presented before them. Obviously
a ‘Yay’ indicates that the fizzy drink in question was a fine beverage they wouldn’t mind
drinking again and a ‘Nay’ vote indicated that they didn’t enjoy the drink, and that they
perhaps loathed it. So each drink could score a maximum of 12 points – a maximum of
6 for the stand alone taste test, and a maximum of 6 for the ‘with vodka’ tasting.

Rather than a formal break down of results (save that for coursework) we’re providing Round Two: The Lemonades on their own...
our table of results along with some of the comments made by our six test monkeys over
the course the experiment. A Yellow Smiley face incides a happy ‘Yay’ vote, a green
ill-looking face means a ‘Nay’ vote, and that the subject may be in need of medical
assitance. You may also notice the names of the 6 test monkeys seem rather bizarre,
unfortunately we couldn’t help that...

A Selection of Quotes, Comments & Opinions

Sainsbury’s Classic Cola: Sainsbury’s Lemonade:
“Nice” “Someone poured sugar into a co-op
“My teeth feel weird” everyday! And called it Sainsbury’s
lemonade”
Sainsbury’s Basics Cola:
“I thought it tasted alright. It was sweet,
“Tasted like Cherryade...”
but not too sweet.”
“That was genuinely awful. It had taste, it
was just awful” Sainsbury’s Basics Lemonade:
“It tastes like recently cleaned bathroom!”
Tesco Original Cola: “Not kidding - My mum does use this to
“It had a nice flavour, wasn’t too sweet” water our plants.”
“I didn’t not like it” (as a mixer):
Tesco Value Cola: “AW MAN THAT IS AWFUL. ARGH
“Tastes like cola flavour Freeze Pops” THAT AFTERTASTE...”
“Somewhat like sucking stamps” Round Three: The Colas as a mixer...
“Doesn’t taste like cola, but I like it!”
“That was abit horrific”
Co-op Lemonade:
“That was actually really nice. And I actu- Tesco Sparkling Lemonade:
ally liked it being bubbly” “At last, a lemonade that doesn’t make
me think of domestic cleaners”
Co-op Everyday Lemonade: “This is the best one. You can actually
“Has someone spiked this with washing smell flavour before you try it.”
up liquid?” Tesco Value Lemonade:
“I second all that about its taste and clean- “Yep, We’re back to the carbonated water
ing power.” again, aren’t we!”
(as a mixer): “Someone added Jif lemon to Bicarb of
“It looks like he’s trying to fold his face soda and mixes it with water! Then the
in on itself” bastard made me drink it!”
(as a mixer):
“The wateryness just lets you taste more
vodka.”
Round Four: The Lemonades as a mixer...
Final Standings: Score out of 12 Price (pence)
Tesco Sparkling Lemonade 11 25
Sainsbury’s Classic Cola 11 69
Tesco Original Cola 9 44
Co-op Lemonade 9 69
Tesco value Cola 5 18
Sainsbury’s Basics Cola 4 18
Sainsbury’s Lemonade 4 35
Tesco Value Lemonade 2 17
Sainsbury’s Basics Lemonade 1 17
Co-op Everyday Lemonade 0 49

The final result:

The supreme champion soft drink was found to be Tesco’s Sparkling Lemonade
receiving an impressive 11/12 by our testing team beating it’s nearest competition
Sainsbury’s Classic Cola (which also had 11/12) by Tesco’s Sparkling Lemonade’s
price coming in at a wallet friendly 25p. There was also half an idea to try and use the
loser of the soft drinks to unblock our downstairs toilet. But we have learned another
important lesson through all this, if it looks cheap & nasty, it most likely is cheap &
nasty...
12 IT’S THE ENTS PLANNER! 19 September 2005

Behold, barefacts own reproduction of the ‘Ents Planner’. Ents is short for Entainment in case you were
wondering. If you don’t can’t wait ‘till barefacts comes out to get a hold of it you can subscribe to it
digitally (woooo!) by going to ussu.co.uk/events and subscribing to grapevine - As you can clearly see
it’s a busy couple of weeks ahead.

September 19th - September 25th

Monday
19th
Cyclone in the HRB

Tuesday featuring:
Adam Bloom,

20th
Stuart Goldsmith
& Guests

Wednesday FRESHERS’ FAYRE

NATWEST FIELD
BLING
1PM Hanif
21st The Honeyz
Presha in the HRB

Thursday Hypnotist Tony Lee

in Rubix
22nd doors 7:30pm

with Pat Sharp

Friday £2 Advance,
£3 before 10:30pm
23rd £4 afterwards
No-wave in the HRB

Asian Society Presents:

Saturday Freshers Masti,
Punjabi Hit Squad,
24th with Resident DJs

Stella Screen
Sunday
Free Film
25th in the HRB 8pm
19 September 2005 OH YEAH! THE ENTS PLANNER 13

September 26th - September 25th

Monday Chancellor’s Coktail Night

26th Ski Club Party HRB

Tuesday ll
Chance or’s Cha enge: ll e t to
27th Tree & Piers attempt to run a quiz! in Chancellor’s no less!
8pm - £1 per person in a team D o n
r g
’t Fo en...
P
r i n gA
All entry money goes towards the Quiz Cash Prize! B

Wednesday
28th

Open Mic Night in Chance l l or’s

Thursday
29th Traffic Light Party
in the HRB

with Jo O’Meara
Friday £2 Advance,
£3 before 10:30pm
30th £4 afterwards
Vinyl Soc (Funk, Soul) in the HRB

Saturday TEASE
1st featuring
4tune & more

Sunday Hyper Live

www.djhyper.com
(feat. Leeroy Thornhill,

2nd ex-The Prodigy)

7:30pm Rubix
14 MUSIC 19 September 2005
It’s theĐ
that follow it are the remit of Elizabeth Heale & Nicole Heel - And if you feel like getting involved with any of these ‘art’ sections
get in touch with them at: bf.arts@gmail.com - No idea when the new cd handouts are going to take place...

STEPHEN MALKMUS
Face The Truth
Domino

It’s quite hard to figure out what Stephen Malkmus is trying to achieve in this his third
studio album. He seems stylistically unsure throughout the whole album like some sort of
sexually confused teenager which in the end is just plain annoying. This gets confusing
very easily and unfortunately is quite hard to get into as it’s just plain weird in places.
After a while I found myself asking this question - Does a new generation of music lovers
really need a third solo album from Malkmus which includes songs that house guitar
wig-outs and last up to eight minutes? Not really is the answer I came up with. It sounds
sort of like the rants of a deluded songwriter who has hit his head one too many times.
Although it is musically acceptable it doesn’t really go anywhere and fails to cause any
form of inspiration as the album lacks a unifying thread, either sonically or thematically.
It’s too stylistically diverse, willfully weird and lyrically cryptic to be anything more than
shall we say an ‘acquired’ taste. This record could be described as a big leap although
I’m not too sure if it’s in the right direction as I’m sure Malkmus’ “genre” isn’t going to
be the next big thing that NME rave over (thank god). The album title is actually quite
ironic as I think it’s about time that songwriters like Malkmus ‘face the truth’ that weird
isn’t always good – if you want to do that go be some wack 20th century composer. 2/5
Ollie Ghaney

Editors
The Back Room
Kitchenware Records Ltd

Released on 25th July this year, ‘The Back Room’ is the debut effort from Birmingham
based foursome, Editors. To be honest, at first I wasn’t too sure, the first track, ‘Lights’ is
a little, well, boring. However the second, ’Munich’, which was also their second single,
packs a lot more passion into the dark. That is how this band sounds: dark and a little bit
distant. Their sounds likens to Interpol, and delving slightly further back, Echo & The
Bunnymen and Joy Division. At least to a certain extent. Editors work is much less epic
and urgent than Interpol, but it’s probably more suited to the current climate of ‘cool’
NME bands. I can’t completely repress my first thought that they sound quite a bit like
Franz Ferdinand, just with less camp catchiness and more intelligent lyrics. (Although in
that area FF aren’t really much to compete with now are they?) The sixth song ‘Camera’
displays some of the bands quirky ability to experiment within their own sound, mixing
some synth and electro sounds into shadowy, brummie concoction. Nothing else really
stood out, this is a band who likes their style and tries not to vary it too much, but I believe
that the album did relatively well in the charts (top 20) so they must be doing something
right….I have heard Editors described as “80’s Goth combined with early Coldplay”,
which isn’t entirely inaccurate, so I’ll conclude with this: Buy ‘The Dark Room’ if you
are a fan of Interpol, Echo or Joy Division and want to explore another direction, if you
like Franz Ferdinand but are slightly embarrassed by them, or if (heavens forbid) you
liked Coldplay before the charts found them. 4/5

SUFJAN STEVENS
(Come on feel the) Illinoise
Rough Trade

You might not know it but allegedly Sufjan Stevens has been around for a while, spawning
five albums since 2000, not counting the two albums he made with folk group, Marzuki.
This album is the second of fifty albums Stevens is setting out to make, and he declares
he will dedicate each one to a State in America. With Michigan down in his 2003 release,
Greetings from Michigan: The Great Lakes State, he moves on to Illinois. The whole
concept album is a bit lost on anyone not from the USA; the themes and issues it covers
are, not surprisingly about Illinois. But it has a musical charm and an intellect about it
that listeners from around the world can appreciate. It has a folky feel, with lots of juicy
banjo playing and unconventional uses of orchestral instruments. Some bits also sound
like he’s been let loose with a sequencer so the songs become a bit more epic than you
might think they should be (just listen to THE BLACK HAWK WAR* and you’ll see
what I’m talking about) but that’s the album’s appeal. He smacks of The Flaming Lips
and perhaps some Badly Drawn Boy, and has a sort of poetic wistfulness about him. I’m
sure to anyone from Illinois his lyrics, as well as the quirkily named track titles mean a
lot. For us mere mortals, it’s something you can put on in the background and suddenly
think, “What the hell was that?!” 3/5 Nicole Heel

*Full title: THE BLACK HAWK WAR, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilisation and
Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience
but You’re Going to Have to Leave Now, or, “I have fought the Big Knives and will
continue to fight them until they are off our lands!”
19 September 2005 MUSIC/THEATRE 15
TONY YAYO
Thoughts of a Predicate Felon
Interscope

To be honest I wasn’t expecting a lot from this album. Mr Yayo’s straight outta G-unit,
in my opinion the most overrated rap collective of all time. I wasn’t disappointed, it’s
just another attempt to prolong the lifecycle of the G-unit brand. This album is just like
the other G-unit releases, same beats, same lyrics, same motives, same look, same record
label, same guest stars, yadda yadda. If this cut and paste way of doing things continues
for much longer I may have to beat my radio with a metal baseball bat every time a G-unit
production invades the space between my ears. The guest appearances are disappointing
such as ‘Drama Setter’ where Eminem (Yayo’s most/only credible ally) features but he
doesn’t even spit a verse, he just sings the hook. The track ‘I’m so high’ suggests that a
certain leaf can give you some sort of rude boy status. This is ridiculous, they should
meet some of my mates. The 50 Cent production is all too familiar and it just doesn’t
stand out. Not trying to sound too much of a cynic, but G-unit style is something to dance
to, not just a guide to a fulfilling life. My message to Tony would be to express himself,
not be a sheep to the Fiddy clan. I suggest that this CD be purchased by G-unit loving
B-boys willing to spend their hard earned monies on supporting their idol. Fans of “real”
hip hop stay well clear! 2/5 Sam Carney

Download of the Week

http://www.amateurtransplants.com/

Ok so it’s not technically a download but if you go here and buy the Amateur Transplant’s
album (they’re the people that created that jaded masterpiece ‘London Underground’)
they’ll donate some cash to Macmillan Cancer Relief. Go on, do a good deed…

THEATRE:
(Sing-a-Long-a) Rocky Horror
Richmond Theatre, Surrey

Richmond Theatre is normally a quiet slightly posh venue which hosts various plays
throughout the year, but this year they opened up their doors to a vast amount of Rocky
Horror addicts and the whole place was transformed into a cross-dressers dream come
true. In traditional Rocky Horror fashion everyone was handed a ‘goodie bag’ as they
took their seats which consisted of all the props that you need to get the real Rocky
Horror experience. Before the actual performance started they did the whole fancy dress
competition in which all the people who have spent the time / been sad enough to dress
up parade across the stage for everyone else’s amusement. After the winner had been
decided the emcee (clad in Frank N. Furter costume) gave everyone instructions on how
to get maximum pleasure out of their goodie bag. So, with everyone ready to go the whole
thing started. A lot of singing and dancing around ensued as well as people shouting the
words ‘sl*t’ and ‘a**hole’ at least 100 times which must have been quite surreal for the
folk of Richmond theatre. There was a much needed break half way through so we could
all get more drinks to continue the festivities in a more merry fashion. At the end of it
all I think we were all suitable tired and transexualed out for the evening so we all went
home to bed – hopefully nobody else forgot to take their drag makeup off the next day…
5/5 Ollie Ghaney

Marrying The Mistress

By Joanna Trollope
Not actually photos from the Richmond Theatre show,
Adapted and Directed by David Taylor
but Frank N. Furter’s iconic enough...
Cast Includes: Polly Adams, Daisy Beaumont, Jacqueline Clarke, Jeremy Clyde, Damien
Goodwin, Caroline Langrishe, Adrian Lukis, Mat Ruttle

The first ever stage adaptation of one of Joanna Trollope’s best-selling novels. The curtains
open to show two kitchens, one modern and functional and the other a quintessential
English country kitchen complete with prerequisite Aga. If you haven’t heard of Joanna
Trollope before the Aga is a big clue to her novels. Marrying the Mistress was great
example of an “Aga-Saga” adapted for the stage. An esteemed English judge announces
that he is leaving his wife after 40 years of marriage to marry his young mistress. Not
surprisingly this decision sends shock waves throughout his family, disrupting not only
his life, but the lives of his children, partners, and grandchildren to varying and surprising
ends. The play cleverly opens with a series of phone calls between various characters
explaining the situation. The dynamics between the family members was fabulously
portrayed, energetically acted out with some robust dialogue in a series of short scenes.
I am not sure how appealing it would be to an audience under the age of thirty, as most
of the amusing lines were targeted to more mature age group. I was impressed by the
stage design, which basically did not change, but with the use of skilful lighting and
the ingenious use of a variety of chairs and tables, one really got the sense of different
locations. What let it down was the 80’s style tinkley piano music that punctuated each
scene. Marrying the Mistress was a nice and unchallenging way to spend a couple of
hours and this delicate subject was well illustrated and the production was to a high
16 FILM 19 September 2005
More of a retrospective than a look to the future this (every other) week for the film section. These films are either out already or
were out over the Summer.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Director: Tim Burton
Starring: Johnny Depp, Freddie Highmore, David Kelly, Helena Bonham Carter, Noah
Taylor, Christopher Lee

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was one of THE films to see this summer. Whether
you’re a Roald Dahl fan or not, the promise of a film containing chocolate and sweets
galore probably enticed you anyway. For those of you who went to see it, you may have
come away from it thinking, “Huh?” or “Weird…” or “Squirrels!” I know I did. The sets
are stunning, Charlie’s family is eccentric yet loveable, and Freddie Highmore gives an
excellent performance as Charlie Bucket himself. Yet there is an uneasiness we get from
Johnny Depp’s eerily flawless smile, and his Michael Jackson-esque portrayal of Willy
Wonka. There’s something not quite right, and it’s not just in the mystery of his factory.
We learn why he is the way he is at the end of the film, yet the reason seems somewhat
disturbing and relevant, rather than “children’s book ghoulish”. But Depp’s presence in
the film definitely gives it the edge the original version didn’t have. The score is great,
the songs are…questionable. Don’t know what composer Danny Elfman was thinking
there, but I’m sure if you listened to them enough you’d find them strangely catchy. Apart
from the welcome song. I liked that. However, Tim Burton has proved once again that
although his films are slightly off-the-wall, they bring with them an array of fantasy that
can’t be duplicated by anyone else. I don’t know what else to say. Make your own mind
up about it! 4/5 Nicole Heel

(Note from the Editor in Chief - I loved the song in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.
Especial Mike Teavee’s...)

The Island
Director: Michael Bay
BayStarring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Djimon Hounsou, Sean Bean,Steve
Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan

As the Island opens, the year is 2019. We are deep inside a post-apocalyptic, hi-tech
facility where the strangely perfect, slightly bored looking inhabitants go about dreaming
of winning a lottery. The ones who win are sent to an island of paradise, the only place
left uncontaminated, hence the title. One of the more inquisitive residents, Lincoln Six
Echo (McGregor), begins to wonder if all is as it seems and when his friend Jordan Two
Delta (Johansson) is picked to be sent to the Island he decides they should escape. It is at
this point when all hell breaks loose and Michael Bay’s penchant for fast chases and loud
explosions is fully recognised.(He’s the guy who made Armaggedon and Bad Boys 2)
Our heroes should really have died around four or five times but that would just ruin it all
really now wouldn’t it? On the whole the film worked pretty well, the moral questioning
of human cloning being made more blockbuster friendly with some crazy visual stunts.
McGregor and Bean gave the most dramatic performances, Doctor Merrick (Bean) was
subtly sinister, a deluded scientist playing at being God. Johansson’s talent was slightly
wasted as the blonde, pretty side-kick, but visually she was marvellous. (For the guys-
skin tight white jogging suit) As long as you’re not too bothered by the odd discrepancy
or plot-hole then this summer time movie with a conscience is worth catching at the end
of it’s run, or at least getting on DVD.

40 Year-old Virgin

Watching the trailer in the cinema made it look pretty lame. It looked to most like a
feeble attempt to rise from the ashes of the America Pie trilogy – “Please! How many films
about somebody losing their virginity do America have to produce?”. Pleasantly surprised,
the film wasn’t that bad. The shocking political incorrectness of some of the one-liners
kept the film together, and acted like a sort of “comedic nudge” whenever the storyline
got too boring, which was quite often unfortunately. The film is exactly what it says on the
label. 40-year-old man has never had sex. And guess what? He’s an engineer working at
an electronics store, and has the fashion sense of Richard Wilson. He also collects action
figures, and is the type that goes schizo when somebody even suggests taking it out of the
box. Some films satirise by using stereotypes, this film just takes the piss.
In Britain, if your mates find out you’re a virgin, they generally take the piss out of you
and leave it at that. In true American style, his colleagues embark on a quest to get him laid.
This involves women who work in Ebay stores, the scary electronics store boss who looks
like she has more balls than he does, transsexual prostitutes, and some crazy woman who
enjoys the alternative uses of shower-heads.
Out of five, I’d give it a three-and-a-half. Although some of the outrageous jokes were The
absolutely hilarious, the plot-line was weak, and has been done more times than Paris
Hilton. You’ll likely leave the cinema thinking the film was absolutely hilarious, but you’ll
40 Year-Old
struggle to come up with any substance when trying to remember anything but the various
one-liners. Definitely worth watching, but don’t expect a sophisticated script.
Virgin
19 September 2005 UniSTUFF 17
Not only students love barefacts, the University like it to! Collect on this page are some submissions from various areas of the
University itself - Imaginatively we’ve called in UniSTUFF. We made the ‘Stuff’ blue & everything!

Why fly when you can drive?

seeing people who deal with suffering and hardship on a
Not content with a simple parachute jump or fun run, 3 daily basis.’
friends, all ex-Surrey graduates, Maz & Alex Towns and
COMPETITION: “When I were a lad………”
Martin Pitwood have decided on a much more challenging The three Surrey Graduates all met and became friends at
sponsored by Chancellor’s Bar and Restaurant
event to raise money for charity – in August this year they the University of Surrey Diving Club – and have stayed in
embarked on a gruelling expedition to drive 65,000km touch after leaving Surrey.
Do you recognise this young, trendy Surrey Civil
from the UK to New Zealand in aid of charity!
Engineering student from 1980? He can still be found
To hear more about their travels keep reading Barefacts
around campus!
Realising how fortunate they were to be able to undertake and look at
Email answers to a.buckland@surrey.ac.uk by Monday
such a trip, the team felt that it would be a great opportunity http://www.overland-underwater.com/
26th September. The answer and winner will be announced
to offer something back to the countries and communities
in the next Barefacts.
that they will be travelling through. Having affiliated
The winner will receive lunch for two at Chancellor’s!
themselves with CARE International, a humanitarian
This competition is strictly for current Surrey Students.
organisation working to end world poverty, they have
set themselves a very challenging target of trying to raise
£25,000 for the charity.

To this end they have arranged with CARE International

to visit some of their projects in various countries along
the route, including a water purification and sanitation
project in Egypt, micro-finance projects in rural India and
also visiting some of the tsunami relief projects as they
pass through South East Asia. The team are apprehensive
about certain parts of the trip, which will undoubtedly
be very uncomfortable at times. They will be travelling Alex, Maz & Martin rafting the Tara river in
Have you seen this man? through some of the poorest communities of the world, Montenegro

The Careers Service: Dr. Russ replies....

Dr Russ replies… Where is the Careers Service?

I’ve just got back and I am in a panic about fitting in job-hunting with my In case you haven’t visited us before, you can find us next to the
final year studies. Got any good advice? Accommodation Office in the Philip Marchant Building. We are open
between 9am and 12.30pm and between 1.30pm and 5.30pm, though we
Some students like to concentrate entirely on their studies in their close at 5pm on Fridays and during vacations.
final year so they can get the best possible degree. Your first option
is therefore to delay the whole career thing until after you graduate. Is it OK to just to drop in?
There are good reasons, though, for doing some of your thinking and
preparation while you’re still here. For a start, most of the things we Absolutely no problem. You don’t even have to talk to anyone but we
are organising will be easier to attend now than after you’ve graduated. are there to help if you need us. The first thing you will see when you
What’s more, if you would like a job next year with a popular graduate walk in is a series of files marked “Your degree….. What next? A browse
recruiter, you simply have to meet their deadlines, often before through the one for your degree will give you ideas about what to do
Christmas, to stand any chance. Early applications for other options such when you leave. If you’d like to speak to a careers adviser there is often
as teacher training are also advisable. someone available to deal with a short query. If you think you’d like a
longer chat then we can easily arrange a time which is suitable for you.
What can the Careers Service do to help?
Russ Clark
Just to give you a few examples, our Vacancy Bulletin, which you can Careers Service
view on the Careers Service website at http://portal.surrey.ac.uk/careers
will keep you up to date with the latest employer requirements. The
annual Careers Fair on Thursday 6 October is a good opportunity for you
to talk informally to employers from about 50 organisations. We also
have a series of talks by careers staff and invited speakers taking place
throughout the semester. You could come along to a seminar to sharpen
up your interview technique or you could try a practice aptitude test.

How can I find out more?

Every year we produce a Careers Service Guide offering help and advice
for your future career. It will tell you what’s going on throughout the
year. Every final year undergraduate and postgraduate student will have
their own copy delivered to their department. If it’s not there, try your
departmental office first and then the Careers Service. The information
in the Guide is also available on our website.

Tony Hawk - Not a normal day job

18
In the literature section today we won’t be reviewing the latest paperbacks to hit the high street, oh no. For this edition of
barefacts we’ve had some fiction handed in to us. I’d like everyone to note the key phrase in that last sentence, ‘fiction’,
Matthew Gardiner’s story is fictional.
M U R D E R AT T H E U N I V E R S I T Y O F S U R R E Y
He was not going to let some English bastard steal her.
That was for sure. He thought of how he should never
have let her go to study that Management degree at
Guildford. Who was he kidding, as if he ever had a
choice in where she went?
He always longed for the moment when he saw her again.
The moment when her mouth completed the smile her
eyes always held.
The photo on his desk showed the object of his affection.
Not that a photo was needed to remember that face – flat,
tanned and slightly freckled. A sexy, cat’s face - wide
mouth, glossy with lipstick. She wore heavy dark glasses
– her hair an arty red.
Flying regularly from Munich, Fritz Meuller tried to visit
as much as he could. And she flew every two months or
so to Munich - to start with. Though her trips were now
almost non existent. But what worried him most was that
when ever he turned up, this English kid always seemed
to be there. He knew she liked this bloke. On one occa-
sion he had really lost his temper when she had men-
tioned the wonderful Mike just once to often. Had her
friends noticed the swollen eye?
Each separate dying ember, from his study fire, cast its
ghost upon the floor. He placed both hands flat on the ta-
ble, closed his eyes and raised his face to the ceiling. He
was not a man for bowing his head, even when address-
ing the Almighty. They were after all close confidents.
After his pray his eyes burned with the conviction of a
man who truly had no doubts. The Lord was with him
in his endeavour. The Almighty understood him. And
to a guilty man being understood is the same as being
forgiven.
23/09/05
LITERATURE
He had to arrange a contract. What he believed in the
business they called ‘a hit’.
A few evenings later the French hit man that Meuller had
tracked down booked two single rooms at the Heathrow
Crown Plaza Hotel for a fortnight’s time. Saying he was
Henree, the second name he gave was the one in his own
passport. He said he was sending a book ahead of him
and asked if the hotel minded holding it till he arrived.
Carrying a gun into the UK was no mean feat so he
would simply have to post it to his chosen hotel for safe
keeping.
The Frenchmen picked up a book he had just bought on
the history of London, expensive and very heavy, and set
to work with a scalpel. When he had finished he sealed
the book in a strong polythene envelope and sent it on its
way to London.
Arriving at the Crown Plaza Hotel two weeks later he
explained to the receptionist that his friend Henree would
not be joining him but that he would obviously settle both
accounts. He then produced a letter from his absent friend
authorizing permission for him to collect the book on
Henree’s behalf. The receptionist quickly went out back,
returned and obliviously handed over the murder weapon.
If he had been caught he would have claimed to have
been an innocent party doing a friend, and an absent one
at that, a favour. Without any clear signs of a motive…it
would have been easy.
The next day he soon found a car to ‘borrow’. A Ford
Mondeo – quiet common in the UK. After avoiding some
annoying speed cameras on the M25 he roared up the A3
in the pouring rain. Guildford Cathedral appeared upon
3
19 September 2005
the horizon; piercing the sky and towering moodily over
its surroundings. From its commanding position on Stag
Hill and seen from the A3 the cathedral was indeed an
imposing landmark.
The Frenchman found the Management School easily
enough and waited patiently for his prey. As the sun-
light on the plaza outside hardened and grew cold, Mike
headed for home – followed slowly, silently. It was a
summer’s night; wan, dull and glaring. The air became
close and sticky, once again threatening storm and rain…
Mike never new why. Seeing a man in the door way of
his little room he rose to enquire as to what he wanted.
He suddenly saw what the visitor held in his hand and
half opened his mouth. Two slugs went into his chest and
the third, as he fell to his knees plopped into his head. But
he didn’t even feel that one. He never stood a chance…
The two men; client and killer, met in a bar in Paris the
next evening. Fritz Meuller had flown over as soon as he
had received the call. He seemed nervous as he handed
over the €10,000. “No problems?” he murmured.
“Very simple and your little Englander is very dead”
smiled the Frenchmen. “Though someone did come in
and see me with the body. It must have been the rain I
didn’t hear them.” The German stared in horror “who”?
“A woman” replied the Frenchmen. “Tall, red head?”
gasped Meuller. “Yeah. A nice looking piece too Mon-
sieur.” Seeing the panic in his clients face the Frenchmen
patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry Monsieur” he
said comfortingly “I shot her too”.
Matthew Gardiner
I apologise prefusely for the shoddy editing of this poster...
19 September 2005 SOCIETIES 19

USSU offers a wealth of societies for the student who wants to do that little bit more than get a
piece of paper at the end of three/four years. In this section of the very prestigious barefacts,
we explore a couple of them...

Liberal Democrat Society

Ever wondered what it’s like to mix
politics and the student life? The Liberal
Democrat society lives that mixture to
the full. We do all the things that most
student societies do, mainly involving a
certain intoxicating liquid substance, but
we also allow our members to make the
most of being involved in a political so-
ciety. This involves conferences (another
chance to socialise, as well as help decide
policy); campaigning (once again, social-
ise!); and even stand in local elections as
a candidate.
Our first event is freshers fair on
Wednesday 21st September, followed by
our AGM on Wednesday 28th Septem-
ber in the Union Committee Room (in
the activities centre). At the AGM, you
will get a chance to vote for the committee
over the next year, and if you want, stand
for the committee yourself. The guest
speaker for the AGM is Sue Doughty,
former Lib Dem MP for Guildford.
One thing we want to emphasise is that
it does not matter how much or how little
you know about party politics. We believe
in the philosophies of freedom, fairness,
and equal opportunities. We keep a policy
of open-mindedness. If you agree with
those philosophies and would like to take
your beliefs further, the Lib Dem Society
may be for you.
It is recommended that members join
the Lib Dem Youth and Students (LDYS)
organisation, although this is certainly not
compulsory. It costs £3 to join (around
the price of a pint in Guildford Town cen-
tre) for the year, and gives you a member-
ship of the Lib Dems, allows you to attend
all conferences, and lets you have a vote
in any leadership contests that occur.
The Lib Dem Society do not believe in
the word ‘apathy’. We believe that it is
a distasteful and inaccurate word used to
describe members of the electorate that
politicians haven’t managed to connect
with. We believe in bringing politics to
the people, not the other way around. So,
if you’d like to indulge your political side
that’s bursting to get out... come along to
our AGM and stand/vote, or visit us at the
freshers fair stall on Wednesday 21st!
Liberal Democrat Society
Contact
society@unis-libdems.co.uk
Website
www.unis-libdems.co.uk
Meetings
TBA. Likely to be Wednesday
evenings.
AGM
Wednesday 28th September
Committee Room
USSU Activities Centre
7pm.
Guest Speaker: Sue Doughty,
former Lib Dem MP for
Guildford.
The Lib Dem Society at Freshers 2004 with Sue Doughty

Afro-Caribbean Society
The main focus of the Afro-Caribbean Society (ACS)
this year is to encourage unity amongst ourselves, and
integration with fellow University of Surrey students, as
well as other societies across the country. We intend to do
this by educating ourselves and everyone else about our
various cultures.
We will be holding meetings fortnightly on Thursdays,
and EVERYONE is invited! You don’t need to be African
or Caribbean to join the society. The meetings will begin
with a brief talk/presentation on a selected African or
Caribbean country. The idea being that no matter where
you’re from, you can come and learn a little about some-
one else’s culture. We will also be discussing any relevant
issues, as and when they arise, passing on details of any
up and coming events, and socialising!
In terms of events, we have so much in store for you
this year. The first few include the Black History month
Launch/party on the 1st of October at the Stag Hill recep-
tion (tbc), Our Caribbean Film and Food night on the 6th
of October (as part of Caribbean week); and our first Un-
ion event ‘Unified’ in association with Da Jump Off Ent.
on the 13th of October in the Main Union (it’s going to
Afro-Caribbean Society
be big!), presentations on African and Caribbean culture Contacts
in the Lecture Theatre foyer, and series of performances committee@surreyacs.co.uk
from the University Gospel Choir throughout the year. events@surreyacs.co.uk
We will also be organising/taking part in sporting sports@surreyacs.co.uk
events, competing against other societies in friendly webmaster@surreyacs.co.uk
games, leagues, and charity matches to name a few.
Website
These games will be open to both men and women, so no
www.surreyACS.co.uk
one is left out.
So if you share an appreciation of our music, our food, Upcoming events
our way of life or just want to meet some new people, Freshers Fair: 21st September 2005, PATS field.
you’re more than welcome to come along. You could
learn to sing gospel music, join one of our sporting teams, Black History Month Launch. Stag Hill
Reception. 8pm.
learn about our food, or just come to PARTY!
If you have any questions or want details of meetings, Unified. Presented by ACS and Da Jump Off.
events, or the choir, feel free to contact us via our new At the Union (Rubix), 10pm.
web-site: www.surreyACS.co.uk.
barefacts@ussu.co.uk
20 POSTGRADUATE
PG Tips barefacts very own postgraduate-centric area... full of things to do with postgraduates. I
think that’s all the explanation that’s needed. Pages collated by: Lisa Ahmed
PostGraduate Association Elections
20-October – Wates House
Want to meet other postgrads from around campus?
Need an excuse to go to the pub more often?
Interested in planning events and stuff for postgrads?
Want to make a difference at the University?
If any or all of the above interest you, then you should be part of the PGA Committee!
Contact the PGA for more details: president@pgasurrey.co.uk
PGA Quiz Results
From the 18-August-05
Thanks to all who attended last month’s quiz
in Wates House. We had nearly 90 post-
graduate students and staff crusading for the
mighty case of Carlsberg. After a gruelling
battle, Team Bob took the beloved green
box with 62 points. Last Orders at the Bar
Please came in a not-so-close second with
52.5 points, though we are all still wondering
where that extra .5 came from. And, in a last
minute quiz-off, Western Allies beat out Re-
public of Bonk in a fastest-finger tie-breaker
question for third place: The largest bunch
of bananas grown on the Spanish island of
El Hierro on July 11th 2001 weighed 130 kg.
How many individual bananas did it contain?
September’s quiz is scheduled for Thursday the 22nd starring Quizmaster Sin-Sin-Sin-
namon at 7pm in Wates House. Put your team together and be sure not to miss out! It
only costs a pound per person and a heaping plate of curry is only a pound-fifty more!
Oh, and if you want to know the answer to the question… it was 473 bananas.
From Moon Landings to Incontinence Pads
T h e A d v e n t u r e s o f
Dagabert Willoughby, reclined in his Officemaster Mark 4. He was penned in a tiny al-
location of University resource, measuring a measly 3 foot by 4 foot, in a long forgotten
corner of the Lunar Landing Engineering department of the University of Newland. It
took all his patience to try and ignore the overwhelming smell that only 14 engineers,
crammed in a room for over 14 hours a day can produce. His thoughts were frantically
preoccupied with one question– how did he come to be here?
Having successfully graduated with a First in Physics from a rather nice University in
Geneva, and then traversing the world, backpack in one hand, something usually very
unsavoury in the other, there did not seem much for it but to go and do a PhD. After
all, the alternatives had been pretty grim! His options at the time had been to either;
get a job with some racy outfit in the city, flogging himself to death at the behest of the
corporate grindstone, or go and work for his Father and rise though the heady ranks
at Smelchit and Co (a cutting edge producer of incontinence pads for the discerning).
Acceptance of the latter would have conveniently mapped his entire future for him; a
nice Managing Director’s salary, Company Mondeo, Golf club membership and a safe
pension scheme.
The ESPR grant of £13-000 a year with additional travel bursary had looked quite fun
when he perused the pages of the Guardian. How hard could it be, Dagabert had asked
himself? Another three years away from the watchful eye of the Inland Revenue, better
still, three more years of hard core drinking in the Student Union and frolicking with
innocent undergraduates. After all the fact that he could loosely use the line that I work
for the Space industry and by proxy could call himself a Rocket Scientist was more than
enough to compensate for his fast receding hairline and all apparent older appearance.
This was all compounded by the likelihood of high octane conferences in Thailand
abusing the travel budget and himself into the bargain!
Just how wrong one could be, he remarked to himself, as Bertrum a rather intense and
frustrated genius of a Post Doctoral Researcher wandered past, again stirring up the
19 September 2005
H o w To Te a r
A Phone Book
I n H a l f
Not all postgrads are weedy geeks who never see sunlight. However if your ac-
quaintances think you are, dispel the myth with these incredible fats of strength!
(taken from “How To Perform Strong Man Stunts” , Coulter O.R Padell Books
1952
No 1 in the Stuntman series
How to Tear A Telephone Book in Half
1. Grasp the telephone book with the hands on the free page side where you leaf
it open. Place the book firmly on your knee, and with the heel of each hand push
the pages back so that they slant towards the edge of the book farthest away from
your body. The more you slip the pages back, the easier will it become to tear the
book, because you actually only tear a few pages at a time in succession.
2. To your beholders, it looks as though you were tearing the whole book
through at once. They never realize what you are doing, as the act is natural
When you have slipped the pages as much as possible, begin to tear, pulling up
with the right hand as you rear downward with the the left. Once the pages are
broken, the rest tear easily.
3. 0f course, you will not be able to do it first time you try. Like everything else,
it takes practice. One you have mastered the trick, it will be an easy stunt for you
to perform.
Many are able to progress on this stunt by tearing the telephone book into quar-
ters. (Barefacts takes no responsibility if you injure yourself trying this out when
bored in the office)
D a g a b e r t W i l l o u g h b y
heady aroma of sweaty feet and goodness knows what else. Betrum had never quite un-
derstood Dagabert, the crux of his problem was why would anyone want a life beyond
the bounds of the Lunar Landing Department? Secretly Dagabert respected Betrum for
his absolute dedication to his subject, just how could anyone be that interested in Moon
landings? His fascination with anything connected with his PhD had evaporated in the
first 18 months of research; things had now turned into a test of endurance, rather than
born of any passion.
Having last visited the Student Union six weeks ago, successfully securing the amorous
advances of Stacey (a rather sweet but hopelessly gullible first year Nursing student-
who swallowed the Rocket Scientist line, hook line and sinker) he had barely been able
to leave the office before 10 at night. This was due to a series of impossible requests
from his supervisor, his supervisors supervisor and any other Tom, Dick or Harry that
happened to fall into the department looking for a willing victim to dump apparently
CV enhancing but thoroughly inappropriate tasks on. They all usually arrived with the
caveat that this will be either “good experience” or “character building”!
Life, 2 years, 7months and 23 days into this great idea was beginning to grate, or more
exactly frustrate, try, annoy, bore and delude. Dagabert was born stubborn, he had long
ago resolved that this was not going to get the better of him, come hell or high water.
Failed experiments, hopeless data, writers block and a the seemingly self extending
deadline for completion were not going to keep him from his ultimate prize, the ability
to call himself Dr Dagabert Willoughby. He already had the change of name forms
for the Bank, Credit Card and Passport in a folder at home. Three years of this ordeal
would, he thought be lost in those prize moments where he could correct people (in a
raised voice) that it was no longer Mr Willoughby. His overriding thoughts, as he closed
down his Computer at the end of another fruitless day were bugger the science. As far
as Dagabert was concerned he would never read another Journal nor do another tedious
experiment, after all how much science is involved in incontinence pads?
19 September 2005 PG TIPS 21
Aswell as a new year of undergraduate freshers arriving here at Surrey we have an even larger number of Postgraduate ‘Freshers’
starting soon with a number of them already here (If you are one such Postgraduate, ‘Hi’). Postgraduate Welcome Week starts
Monday 3rd October. So I thought we’d give you a heads-up on the events happening that week.
Date Time Fun
Monday 3rd 11am-3pm ‘Postgraduate Welcome Exhibition’ in Rubix. Come and see what USSU has to offer Postgraduate
October students and get involved in sports, activities and much more.

Tuesday 4th 5:30pm-late ‘Welcome Reception’ in Wates House with John Turner (Deputy Vice Chancellor). Chance to meet
October current and new postgraduates, and members of the international socities to have a chat about post-
graduate life and anything else you like! With International Buffet & Chocolate Fountain.

Wednesday 5th 7.30pm-late Bowling at the Spectrum with the PGA - Meeting at Senate House at 7:30 (2 games of Bowling inc.
October Shoehire £9.20, minibus 50p)

Thursday 6th 7pm PGA Quiz & Curry night at Wates House - 7pm. Quiz £1 per person, Curry £1.50 per person (Veg-
October etarian Available)

Friday 7th 9pm-late ‘Welcome Party’ in the University Hall - Featuring a disco, the band ‘Timshel’ and a bar. Chance to
October meet other postgraduates and have fun! £1 Entry

Saturday 8th 6pm-late PGA Pub Crawl - Meeting at 6pm in Chancellors

October
Sunday 9th Afternoon Meet up in Chancellors for recouperation after a busy week. sample the summer menu or just chill
October out with a drink.

Christopher Walken has nothing to do with

Postgraduates (as far as I know)... But this
corner looked all empty without him.
22 PUZZLES/HOROSCOPES 19 September 2005
Colin Everett, barefacts own puzzle lord has crafted some lovely time wasters for you to do while you’re pretending
to pay attention in lectures. Rejoice! For those not rejoicing, the answers are on page 24 (that’s the back one).

Clues Across:
7) What a fabulist cannot help doing. (5)
8) See 20 across.
10) Take lend of. (6)
11) Units of energy. (8)
12) Expression of gratitude. (5, 3)
13) In mythology, the river route to the underworld. (4)
15) First book of Dante Alighieri’s Divine Comedy. (7)
17) Attack; Assail. (7)
20) and 8 and 26 across. Outrageous fictitious MP for Haltemprice. (4, 9, 6)
22) Where in vitro fertilisation may occur. (4,4)
25) In poker, five consecutive cards of mixed suits. (8)
26) See 20 across.
27) Every other. (9)
28) For example: Sheepshank, Reef, Bowline, Figure-of-eight. (4)

Clues Down:
1) Percussion instrument. (9)
2) Bewitch way in. (Cryptic) (8)
3) Tomato sauce will gain ground, I hear. (Cryptic) (7)
4) People who play the cello. (8)
5) Disorder. (6)
6) Where it is inadvisable to be when you don’t have paddles. (5)
9) A sporting fixture that doesn’t occur at a teams own stadium. (4)
14) Provide further details; Fancy. (9)
16) Nine-sided figures. (8)
18) Rare naturally ocurring element, heaviest of the halogens. (8)
19) Law evicts alien from statuette. (Cryptic) (7)
21) Five sevenths of the feast for the five-thousand given by Jesus Christ. (6)
23) Boss breaks down and weeps. (Cryptic) (4)
24) Ring-shaped coral reef. (5)

Su Doku:
barefacts, never being one to shy away from modern trends, has included 2 Su doku puz-
zles to it’s puzzle page for your enjoyment. There’s a regular 9 x 9 puzzle and, for those
who haven’t got the hang of them yet, there’s an easier 2 x 2 puzzle. We like to call it
‘Binary Su Doku’
HOROSCOPES
Now, I’m sorry about the horoscopes for 2 reasons - 1. They don’t
look very pretty (They could’ve had some sumptuous pictures with
them, couldn’t they...) and 2. I have to remind you that basing
your life on the stars is a very silly thing to do. Read with caution

Aries March 21st - April 20th

This fortnight emotional issues will be difficult to handle and you can expect
someone to try to take control of you. You can allow others some responsibility,
but not where cash flow or financial matters are concerned.
SU DOKU

Taurus April 21st - May 21st

This two weeks is all about experiencing what life has to offer. An interesting
partnership may develop if you share your ideas. Get the important details about
the person you are dealing with before proceeding.
Binary & Regular

Gemini May 22nd - June 21st

Forging ahead isn’t the way to gain ground today. Observe what everyone else is
doing before you make your move. Put a little time and effort into self-improve-
ment instead of spending on risky ventures.

Cancer June 22st - July 23rd

Don’t get greedy or set unreasonable goals and you will successfully move
ahead. Don’t procrastinate -- if something or someone interests you, go after it.
Sagittarius November 23rd - December 21st
Leo July 24th - August 23rd
Don’t let a partner hold you back. An opportunity to make money is apparent, so be pre-
A challenge may set you back. Be prepared for the inevitable and ready to deal
pared to fight for what you believe will work. A sudden turn of events won’t be as daunting
with difficult people. Don’t let your insecurities lead you down the wrong path.
as you first expect.

Virgo August 24th - September 23rd

Capricorn December 22nd - January 20th
Socialize even if you are feeling a little down. You will have fun and learn
Address a relationship that is undergoing some turmoil. You’ll be surprised how quickly
interesting information that will help you make a future decision. Someone will
things will change if you are attentive and understanding. A chance to work with some
surprise you with a generous offer.
interesting people will achieve more than expected.

Libra September 24th - October 23rd

Aquarius January 21st - February 19th
Confusion regarding a personal problem will be difficult to deal with. Don’t set
Don’t let a personal problem stand in your way. Deception is apparent, so don’t allow your-
yourself up for a letdown. Focus on something creative that will take your mind
self to be pulled into someone else’s dilemma. The timing for an idea of long ago appears
off emotional matters.
to be better now.

Scorpio October 24th - November 22nd

Pisces February 20th - March 20th
Travel and communications should be at the top of your list. You don’t have to
You can rely on someone to help you develop an interesting project. Friends, business asso-
get angry to get what you want. Speak up for the underdog in an intelligent man-
ciates or new acquaintances will give you the support you need. A new partnership is likely.
ner and you will get the help you require.
19 September 2005 SHAMELESS ADVERTISING 23

NOW OPEN Here’s the specifics on the new Union

Shop’s ‘meal deal’... Delicious.
THE ALL NEW: Big Deal
Sandwich, choice of soft drink, crisps OR
confectionary - £2.85

Big Deal Extra

Sandwich, choice of soft drink, crisps AND
confectionary - £3.10

So go check out the shop and it’s fabulous

new incarnation!

Look out for me

I contain bargains
24 SPORT 19 September 2005
The Hockey Club have written an article, one of the the key focuses of the article appears to be their drinking ability. If you’d
like to contest any of their claims, do get in touch: barefacts@ussu.co.uk. If on the other hand you like to write an article
about your sports club or society, it’s the same address for that too...

Ultimate - A Team Sport Not Called ‘Frisbee’

By Peter Wigfield
Ultimate is both a competitive and fun team sport played with a
flying disc (What most people would call a frisbee,.But frisbee is
a brand name, thus has copyrights attached). The physical aspect
of the game is borrowed from many different sports in fact if
you have played any sport in the past you would probably find a
similarity between it and Ultimate, the unique thing about Ultimate
is the way the game is actually played. The first thing is that this
sport is regularly (although not always) played as a mixed sport;
men and women compete together on the same pitch. Secondly
and most importantly is that it is a game without any officials, the
whole game is refereed by the players on the pitch governed by a
code known as the spirit of the game. Spirit of the game (SOTG)
is designed to encourage fair play, but never at the expense of
respect between players, adherence to the rules and the basic joy of
play. This gives the ultimate community a friendly welcoming feel
because at the end of the day everyone is there to enjoy themselves
and all the teams will generally hit the bar for a few drinks together.
‘So how do I get involved in this slightly bizarre but strangely
enticing sport?’ I hear you say. Well that is easy all you have
to do is join the university’s Ultimate team: Surrey Scorpions.
Last season was the first season with a new name, new kit and
whole new image and we took the university ultimate world a
bit by surprise by winning the Plate final at the Not the Nationals
(effectively the second division). This year we hope to build on this
and prove that we can challenge some of the top teams and have a
The Surrey Scorpions Ultimate Team... with a flying disc...
really good time in the process.
The main thing to emphasise is that this sport has something for
Ultimate (Frisbee) everyone regardless of age, gender or athleticism. If you want to
Training
take this sport seriously or if you want to just find something fun to
Contact Sunday, UniSport 12-2pm
Wednesday, Nat West Field, 2-4pm keep the heart ticking over, then Ultimate could be the perfect thing
ms41ds@surrey.ac.uk
Wednesday, UniSport, 6:30-7pm for you. So come and find us at Fresher’s Fayre, log on to www.
Website Saturday, Nat West Field, 12-3pm (with surreyscorpions.com or just turn up to a training session in UniSport
www.surreyscorpions.com the Guildford Open team) 12-2pm on Sunday or 2-4pm on a Wednesday on the field opposite
Nat West bank; See you soon.

...A Little Something About The Hockey Club

Ask any member of the Varsity Centre (that’s the Sports
Centre for all you Freshers!) staff and they will tell you
that the club still in the bar, drinking and having a good
time, hours after the other clubs have already left is al-
ways the Hockey Club. The friendly, relaxed atmosphere
of the Hockey Club (usually benefiting from the intake of
alcohol) ensures a superb respite from all that hard work
you’re doing, or at least your parents think you’re doing!
The social aspect of the club is probably more impor-
tant to most of the members than the actual hockey. The
initiation ceremonies are nothing like the horror stories
you have probably heard about University sports clubs,
however the club does enjoy its drinking games! Sitting
in the bar with the hockey team certainly increases your
alcohol tolerance, especially when the Club Chairman
decides that he wants to get drunk! It may seem that a
lot is going on at once, especially when you don’t know
the rules to the games, but once you’ve picked them up
(I found it was a good idea to try and get friendly with
one of the 3rd or 4th years and try and coax the rules out
of them, usually through the promise of money or more
drink) you have a huge amount of fun. After a few weeks
once everyone has got to know each other, you really feel
part of the club and the university.
Come along and enjoy playing hockey, drinking games
and listening to stories of past tours, matches and just
general drunkenness. For instance the time Sledge (the
name alone is a good story) fell through the hedge at the
Old Boys Game, the time Special (again the story behind
the name is worth hearing) managed to score for the first
time in 5 years at the University and the numerous occa-
sions that any number of the Club have managed to get
naked! (Twenty Ones is a BAD, BAD game!) The size of
the Hockey Club last year meant that we had two Men’s
teams and one Women’s team, and we have entered the
same number this year. Our Men’s 1st team have just
been promoted to Surrey 1st’s Division One, and we are
always looking for new players to help us continue to
keep up the Surrey hockey tradition. We have also started
up a Mixed team this year, specifically for the players
who can’t make as big a commitment to the club or feel
that they aren’t good enough for the league teams, which
will play a number of friendlies throughout the season.
The Hockey Club can take up as much or as little
of your time as you like, with training running twice a
week and matches on both Wednesdays and Saturdays,
you can find yourself completely immersed in the world
of hockey, even if it is slightly hazy after the nights out.
Becoming involved in the Hockey Club ensures that you
make a huge number of friends very quickly and many
of these friends you will keep for life, demonstrated year
after year when many of the graduates come back for the
Old Boys Games. The club is for anyone who has any
interest in hockey and even for those who don’t. Whether
you’ve represented your country or never played any
sport before in your life there will be a place for you in
the club, (in both cases probably by the bar) and you will
find the most sociable club at Surrey more than welcom-
ing! Training is on Sundays and Tuesdays from 6pm till
8pm, usually followed by a drink, or two, in the bar. We
also have a great coach from a top local team who will
help all standards of players to reach their potential. So
if you’re even slightly interested, whatever your ability,
come along to one of the training sessions and meet the
rest of the Club! You can also check out our website at
www.surrey.ac.uk/union/sports/hockey.

PUZZLE ANSWERS: READ UNDER ADVISEMENT This edition of barefacts was brought to you buy the letter ‘S’, the
number ‘6’ and a selection of motivated individuals.
barefacts doesn’t write itself, we need all the people we can to
make this paper based communication-come-entertainment
tool. You could write just about anything and we’ll gladly accept
it; lovingly even.
The next all highly adsorbant edition of barefacts will hit the
(small) kiosks Monday 3rd October. Get those articles/reviews/
obscene phone calls in now!