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JOSEPH ODURO-FRIMPONG
Abstract
1. Introduction: Overview
tactic. The second section of the analysis lays out the methodology used
to investigate and understand intimate couples’ use of silence to manage
their intimate conflict. The third part discusses the research results in
terms of the themes constituted by the interview data, while the final sec-
tions in the article discuss the research findings in the broader context of
communication theory. The paper ends with one major conclusion about
silence drawn from reflecting on the themes.
What becomes evident in the early literature on silence (with the excep-
tion of one study) is how the authors only o¤er theoretical speculations
on the role of silence in human interactions, and thus fail to suggest em-
pirical ways to study silence such as the assessment of dyadic interactions.
Over three decades ago, Tannen and Saville-Troike (1985: xi, italics
mine) noted that the study of communication focuses primarily on ‘talk’
to the relative exclusion of ‘silence.’ Saville-Troike (1985) for her part ob-
serves that even in linguistics, where silence is recognized as an empirical
datum, the theoretical tradition has been to define silence as the absence
of speech sounds.
Today, communicology scholars now recognize silence as a semiotic
unit of nonverbal communication (DeFrancisco 1991; Jaworski and Ste-
phens 1998). In addition, communication scholars also realize that the
meanings associated with silence are not universal in nature, but cultur-
ally and contextually defined (Liu 2002; Sifianou 1997). In recognition of
the context specificity of the meanings of silence, Bonvillain (1993: 47),
for example, defines silence as the kind of communication that ‘transmits
many kinds of meaning depending on cultural interpretation.’
Communication scholars’ interest in silence for its communicative roles
in human interaction was not ignited until the early part of the 1970s.
Jensen (1973) examines the potential communicative functions of silence
in human interactions when it is used with other nonverbal symbols. In
this direction, he outlines and explicates five functions of silence: linking,
a¤ective, revelational, judgmental, and activating. Despite the revealing
insights he o¤ers into the meanings of silence in human interactions, Jen-
sen’s (1973) theoretical stance on silence in human interactions is flawed.
This limitation is evident in the implicit assumption inherent in the theory
that suggests that the meaning of silence is uniform across all communi-
cative domains in di¤erent cultural contexts.
Also contributing to the theoretical knowledge of how silence functions
in human communication is Brunneau (1973), who defines three major
Semiotic silence 285
The final group of research studies examines the extent to which silence is
a used as conflict management tactic in intimate relationships. The aim is
to make a stronger case for the need to research silence as a strategy that
intimate couples utilize in their relationships. The review begins with the
work of Saunders (1985) and Tannen (1990), the only two studies related
to my focus on conflict management.
Saunders (1985) investigates how silence is used as a conflict manage-
ment tactic in the Italian village of Valbella. In exploring how conflict is
managed through silence, Saunders gives an actual case that he witnessed
in the Valbellan village between one Mr. Taccino and his daughter. From
his analyses, Saunders concludes that Taccino’s daughter’s silence was
288 J. Oduro-Frimpong
5. Methodology
Theory Methodology
5.2. Description
careful readings of the descriptions for ‘those parts that are essential for
the existence of the conscious experience’ (Lanigan 1988: 10). Such ‘es-
sential’ parts were identified through important statements and phrases
relating to the experience under investigation. Last, phenomenological in-
terpretation of my data involved organizing the meanings of the ‘signifi-
cant statements and phrases’ into thematic meaning clusters that reveal a
phrase or word as the signification of a meaning cluster.
Cumulatively, these rigorous analytical processes helped me first to un-
cover meaningful clusters of revelatory phrases from the interviews. Out
of these clusters emerged the four themes revealing and signifying the ex-
periences of respondents regarding the various ways through which inti-
mate couples used silence as a conflict management tactic. In conclusion,
I want to emphasize that inasmuch as the explanation of the three step
method of analyses might seem sequential, in practice, it is very ‘synergis-
tic’ (Lanigan 1988: 10) in that despite ‘each step [following] upon the
other in a dialectic progression . . . each step is part of the others in a sys-
temic completeness of reflective intentionality’ (Lanigan 1988: 173).
In all, four central themes were extracted from the interviews: (1) forms of
silence, (2) learning the uses of silence, (3) use of silence and, (4) e¤ects of
silence. The paragraphs below explicate further the identified themes.
One of the main themes that emerged from the data analyses relates to
how silence manifest in various forms. Although it might seem that all si-
lence looks or sounds alike, the participants in this research reported that
it took di¤erent forms from pretending to be asleep or not bringing up a
conflict topic for discussion, to diverting attention to an activity other
than the conflict topic. With regards to Dr. Love (pseudonym) and his
spouse, sometimes the conflict issue related to the timing for sexual inti-
macy. During the interview, he indicated that there had been times when
he had tried to talk to his wife or ‘touch her and stu¤ ’ to persuade her to
have sex with him. But if his wife was not in the same sexual mood as he,
she acted as if ‘she [was] sleeping or something like that.’ Instead of mak-
ing it verbally clear that she was not as ‘sexually charged’ as her spouse,
his wife adopted a silent attitude in the form of feigned sleep to avoid any
conflict.
Semiotic silence 293
Another theme constituted by the data is the various ways that silence is
used to manage conflict. Three specific uses of silence were identified.
when you start interacting on a conflict, in many cases either one of the person[s]
[involved] is pissed. . . . In many cases when you ignore that and move it to a later
time, most parties have the chance to calm down and discuss the situation.
Silence, then, is used in a mediating way to help either one or both part-
ners, especially those whose emotions are more vested in the issue, to have
time to reflect on their own position.
The first validity and reliability confirmation of how silence is utilized
as a contemplative tool is seen in the real example of Kweku Kapreh
(pseudonym) of a conflict situation with his spouse. The conflict centered
on whether to relocate his family to Michigan, where he had secured a
job, or to commute from the family home in Canada. In this particular
situation, Kwaku Kapreh indicated that he used silence to allow himself
to reflect on his and his wife’s positions. In answering the question as to
whether his use of silence negatively or otherwise a¤ected the conflict sit-
uation, Kweku Kapreh reflected, ‘I think it helped in that it allowed me
to rethink about, you know, about my position and her position, and
also to avoid an escalation.’ In another conflict situation with his spouse
in which Kwaku Kapreh used silence, he indicates that the silence al-
lowed him ‘to avoid the continuation of the point of contention . . . at
least temporarily.’ A second measure of validity and reliability confirma-
tion is provided by Black Bear who also subscribed to the use of silence as
a contemplative tool through which to arrive at ‘a more reasoned, ratio-
nal discussion’ in a conflict situation. He asserts that ‘sometimes, saying
nothing is potentially a good thing as well. Out of anger, well, you say
things that are hurtful.’
Jane’s (pseudonym) similar use of silence in conflict situations with her
husband further confirms the validity and reliability of the finding that si-
lence can be used as a contemplative tool in intimate conflict situations.
After she married her husband, they used to have conflicts over finances.
The core issue of their conflict was how she should spend her income.
This matter got her upset ‘because I felt I was right.’ According to her,
her husband thought he was right, and this led to a situation in which ‘ei-
ther one of us would not come and talk about it.’ However, Jane deemed
such a situation as beneficial because ‘sometimes you need to really think
about ‘‘why am I mad?’’ Well, I am mad because I used to be able to do
and buy anything I wanted and somebody is going to tell me that maybe I
shouldn’t have bought that new outfit?’ Jane’s ensuing silence (and that of
296 J. Oduro-Frimpong
her husband) in the conflict situation not only allowed her to discover
why she was mad about the situation, but also a¤orded her the opportu-
nity to ponder core questions related to the conflict such as ‘[a]m I mad
because he didn’t want me to buy the outfit? or am I mad because it cost
too much? Or am I just mad because in general I don’t want anybody
controlling me?’ Once she had answered these questions, Jane felt that
the silence that might lead to the time that ‘I say ‘‘can we talk?’’ Can we
sit down and talk about this? because it is going to happen again.’ In this
situation, Jane reportedly also utilized silence as a time to think through
issues embedded in the conflict situation.
The contemplative use of silence in a conflict situation sometimes leads
to the diminishing of one’s anger because the silence o¤ers one an oppor-
tunity to rationally reevaluate one’s position on a conflict topic. An ex-
ample of this use of silence is evidenced in some conflict situations in
Jane’s life. Jane told me that one of the conflicts she has had with her hus-
band sometimes focused on the strict punishment that he meted out to
their son. In Jane’s assessment, her husband’s punishment decisions for
their son were made in anger. She noticed that after her husband has
time for ‘silence and not talking . . . he becomes more lenient and more
understanding.’
The interviews revealed that the participants in their varied conflict
circumstances used silence to reflect upon their positions in the conflict
situations. They used silence to reflect on their own position as well the
other’s position in the conflict situation. The use of silence led them to
a rational discussion and decision, after they had discovered the source
of their feelings. In all such situations, their use of silence to contem-
plate the conflict situation reportedly led to a better management of the
conflict.
Most of the time, it’s better because . . . if I had just said what I wanted to say
while I was in there, it would have been a lot worse of a situation and he would
have been very upset because I would have been on him.
Usually, it’s just like going to another room or, you know, something like that. I
will get upset about something and . . . I don’t wanna automatically talk about it
because I have a tendency when I, I feel I have a tendency if I go right into being
upset about something and tell him about it, I say [it] the wrong way. That hurts
his feelings because he is kind of sensitive about some things, and so I try to kind
of back o¤ and let it just brew in me, and calm down, and interconnect, and say
‘look this is what is upsetting me, this is what I need from you.’ Usually I don’t
leave but, you know, but I may kind of take time because you know it’s better to
say [the] right thing.
6.3.3. Strategic uses. The strategic use of silence, or the active employ-
ment of silence to achieve a desired end in a conflict situation, is the last
use of silence described by the research participants. The strategic use of
silence in George’s case manifests itself when, in conflict situations with
his spouse, he consciously did not ‘say anything’ even though he knew
that his wife was conscious that he was aware of the conflict. He chose
this mode of conflict management so that his wife could do some self-
chastisement. George likened his mood in this situation to ‘play[ing]
God, you know, kind of like an avenging angel.’ George also reported
times that he used silence to pressure his spouse to give in to his financial
demands, despite the fact that he knew he was ‘in the wrong.’ George
confessed that he sometimes experienced a backlash e¤ect when his wife
cried as a result of experiencing the silent treatment from him. In this
vein, George likened his behavior to ‘torturing someone you love.’ Thus,
although he felt good in using silence strategically to get his spouse to
agree to his viewpoints in conflict situations, his feelings were at the
same time hurt because he realized that his wife experiences a negative re-
action to his use of silence. Therefore, inasmuch as he strategically em-
ploys silence in his conflict situations, he is cognizant of negative backlash
that the strategy evokes.
Validity and reliability confirmation of the theme relating to the theme
of the uses of silence as manifested in the routine strategic employment of
Semiotic silence 299
absolutely silent, make my dinner, do whatever it is, put on my clothes with abso-
lute silence. If he wants something to eat, you put whatever you have to feed him
[on] a plate and just leave it, saying absolutely nothing. When the normal pattern
will be ‘oh, here is your meal’ you are just mute. And you can feel his conscience
gnawing at him. And 95 percent of the time, he just kind of gets up and says, ‘Ok,
ok, let me take you.’
. . . wanted to know what was going on in her mind. I mean, I mean if you love
someone, it doesn’t feel good to know the person is hurting or not happy about
something. The person doesn’t have to say anything but you kind of just feel
very uncomfortable; you want to do something about it.
Oppressive in the sense of, you know, I felt like . . . saying something, . . . but I also
know that if I said it, it was going to worsen matters, and as I kept quiet, it more
Semiotic silence 301
or less oppressed me, you know, so it is very uncomfortable to say the least. Be-
cause if you want to say something you can’t say it, you bottled your feelings up
and of course it is not a helpful thing at all to do.
Kwaku Kapreh’s use of silence stems from two factors. The first was his
hope that the silence would somehow help to end the conflict situation al-
together. The second was the fact that for him the use of silence in a con-
flict situation acted like a ‘momentary palliative’ which helped ease ‘the
pain but it doesn’t heal the wound, as it were.’ The statements of Diane
and Kweku Kapreh reveal a negative range of emotions associated with
silence, which hindered participants’ ability to resolve the conflict at the
time that the conflict was taking place.
Dr. Love’s articulation of how he ‘felt pressured to say something’
when explaining himself further at the time that he used silence in a con-
flict situation is another confirmation of the validity and reliability of the
theme of e¤ects of silence. Inasmuch as he was experiencing this negative
emotion, he felt ‘good’ because he has known in his life that
you don’t talk bad about another person that you wouldn’t want them to talk bad
about you. So if you have something negative to say about another person, you
should actually keep your mouth shut because something negative is gonna hap-
pen back to you.
It seems that Dr. Love’s positive emotional feelings stemmed from fulfill-
ing his goal to live up to a code of conduct in that conflict moment. How-
ever, in describing his feelings when his wife gave him the silent treatment
rather than react to his sexual advances towards her, he indicated that his
feelings were hurt.
Another e¤ect silence creates in a conflict situation is the separation it
causes between spouses. Black Bear explicitly notes that his ‘primary rea-
son [for using silence in a conflict situation is to] create distance.’ For
him, such a distance is manifested in ‘shut[ting] down in terms of de-
meanor [and] in terms of conversation.’ Black Bear further said that in
such cases where he used silence, the distance he wants to create is to be
interpreted as ‘everything that deals with my world but you.’ The extent
of the distance created is reflected in his description of the type of silence
that is exhibited in conflict situations between him and his spouse. In this
vein, Black Bear’s revelatory phrase is ‘dead depth silence.’
7. Discussion: Interpretation
The research question guiding this study asked, ‘How do intimate cou-
ples use silence to manage their conflict?’ Answering this question, the
302 J. Oduro-Frimpong
face is something that is emotionally invested, and that can be lost, maintained, or
enhanced, and must be constantly attended to in interaction. In general, people
cooperate . . . in maintaining face in interaction, such cooperation being based on
the mutual vulnerability of face. (Brown and Levinson 1987: 61)
Semiotic silence 303
I am a non-conflictual person, you know. So when it comes to, you know, when
tempers begins to rise, I would always want to be quiet. So I would always want
to leave the scene to more or less cool down, you know, cool down passion and
then come back later.
This data-based definition better describes what a true intimate conflict is.
This definition achieves a research goal identified by Ting-Toomey in that
it ‘attempts to incorporate intrapersonal dissonance and interpersonal in-
teraction struggle in the management of intimate conflict’ (1994: 48).
Finally, the findings in my study point to the fact that silence is clearly
a variation of the avoidance strategy in conflict situations. Although the
manner in which silence was manifested varied — from pretending to be
asleep or not bringing up the conflict topic for discussion to diverting at-
tention to an activity other than the conflict — in each case, the partici-
pant is avoiding a discussion of the conflict at that moment. Just like the
other variations of communicated avoidance, for example, denial and
equivocation (Wilmot and Hocker 2001) or protecting (Folger et al.
1997), the use of silence in conflict situations, led to issues being side-
stepped, at least temporarily. It also evoked negative emotional feelings.
However, unlike the other variations of avoidance, which lead to a failure
to discover a solution to the conflict issue, the use of silence in this study
is, paradoxically, the onset of discovering a solution to the conflict issue.
The participants in this research used silence precisely at the point where
they were deciding to come back again to the conflict table with mini-
mized negative emotions that might make them liable to use words they
would regret.
8. Conclusion
In this project, I set out to investigate how intimate couples used commu-
nicated silence to manage their conflicts. By analyzing the discourse re-
sponses of participants, four important themes emerged that relate to
how couples used silence. A reflection on these major themes led me to
draw one major conclusion about silence in communication that relates
to the importance of silence as a communicative tool: as a complementary
tool, silence is used to improve talk. A case supporting this observation is
where silence is used to control the context in which talk would occur. In
such situations, at the time and place where the conflict topic is revisited,
the original mood of participants changed. Participants also utilized si-
lence to reflect on and clarify conflict issues and their own feelings as
they related to the conflict. Silence a¤ords them an opportunity to cool
down their tempers; also, participants could select the best message after
they had deliberated in silence. As a result, the conflict is managed more
e¤ectively.
Silence is also used as manipulative strategy. The couple Araba and
George epitomizes this usage. George used silence to have his needs met,
Semiotic silence 305
Note
* My sincerest gratitude to Richard L. Lanigan, Mary Ann Renz, Wendy Papa, Shelly
Schaefer Hink, Adam Jaworski, and Lisa Brooten for comments and guidance, and
Kate Marie Clocksin for crucial support and encouragement, and continued inspiration
in absentia.
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