Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken

from The Amplified Bible (AMP ). The Amplified Bible, Old

Testament, copyright © 1965, 1987 by The Zondervan
Corporation. The Amplified New Testament, copyright © 1954,
1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked “NIV” are taken from the Holy
Bible, New International Version ® . NIV® . Copyright © 1973,
1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission
of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked “NKJV” are taken from the New
King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson,
Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked “NASB” are taken from the New
American Standard Bible® , (NASB® ). Copyright © The
Lockman Foundation 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973,
1975, 1977. Used by permission.
Verses marked “TLB” are taken from The Living Bible © 1971.
Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc.,
Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked “KJV” are taken from the King
James Version of the Bible.
The author has emphasized some words in Scripture
quotations. These words are not emphasized in the original
Bible versions.
Warner Books Edition
Copyright © 2000 by Joyce Meyer Life In The Word, Inc.
P.O. Box 655
Fenton, Missouri 63026
All rights reserved.
Previously published as Help Me—I’m Married!
Warner Faith
Hachette Book Group

237 Park Avenue, New York,

NY 10017
Visit our Web site at www.HachetteBookGroup.com
Warner Faith and the “W” logo are trademarks of Time Warner
Inc. or an affiliated company Used under license by Hachette
Book Group, which is not affiliated with Time Warner Inc.
First eBook Edition: October 2002
Reissued: June 2005
ISBN: 978-0-446-55661-3
 Contents

INTRODUCTION

PART 1: TRIUMPH OR TRAGEDY?

1: ONE FLESH? ARE YOU SURE?
2: BUT WON’T THAT HURT?
3: BEFORE STARTING OVER, TRY THIS …
4: A MAN SHOULDN’T BE ALONE
5: COUNT TO TEN BEFORE YOU SPEAK
6: MAYBE SOME OF IT WAS MY FAULT
7: MAY I CHOP THAT FRUIT FOR YOU?

PART 2: MAKING CHOICES

8: IS THAT YOUR DRIPPING TOWEL?
9: I PROMISE TO LOVE YOU, BUT …
10: LET’S COMMUNICATE!
11: IS THERE A NICER WAY TO SAY THAT?
12: YOU NEED WHAT?
13: SO WHAT WILL THIS COST ME?
14: PASS THE BAND-AIDS®, PLEASE

PART 3: THE FRUIT OF MARRIAGE

15: WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT FROM ME?
16: TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE
17: THE LOGIC OF LOVE
18: HOW TO GAIN AND MAINTAIN
19: THE PRICE OF PEACE
20: HELP ME — I THINK I’M IN LOVE!
PRAYER FOR A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH THE
LORD
ENDNOTES
RECOMMENDED READING
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
 INTRODUCTION

The blending of two individuals into one harmonious

marriage is a process that takes time. God said that marriage will
bring two people together and cause them to become as one
flesh. I will be the first to admit that making a relationship work
is hard and sometimes even painful. Doing what God says to
do is not always easy, but my life is a living testimony that
obeying God has greater rewards than I could have ever
expected. If you had told me twenty-five years ago that one
day I would be in such agreement with my husband that we
would be as one heart focused on common goals, I would have
laughed and asked you what science fiction movie you had
been watching. Yet, we are living proof that two opposites can
attract and become a strong force together in achieving God’s
plan for both our own pleasure and our impact in the world.
A popular morning news show in America recently reported
an upward trend in the nation of more couples living together
who aren’t married. The research also showed that these same
couples are less likely to be together for life than those who
commit to each other through marriage. What’s the difference?
Both groups claim to love each other, but only the married
couples made a promise to keep working at that love for each
other.
Only time and trials can prove whether their promise to each
other will be kept and thus magnify the presence of their love.
To enjoy triumph instead of tragedy in a marriage, couples
today need to learn how to keep the promise they made to each
other on their wedding day. In keeping the promise of marriage,
the mystery of how two people become one flesh will unfold
and God’s plan for our own relationship with Him will be
revealed.
To enjoy triumph instead of tragedy in a marriage, couples
today need to learn how to keep the promise they made to
each other on their wedding day.
In this book we will examine what God meant when He said
that a husband and wife would become one flesh. The King
James Version of the Bible states in Ephesians 5:31 that a man
and his wife shall be one flesh, but many versions of the Bible
use the word become rather than be (AMP, NKJV, NIV, NASB).
Thank goodness we get a chance to become or most of us
would disqualify ourselves by the end of the honeymoon.

BECOMING ONE TAKES

TIME
Becoming one takes time and too many couples are giving
up on God’s plan before the benefit of His design is manifested
in their lives. The marriage vows do not supernaturally bring
two individuals into perfect harmony. On the contrary, the
wedding vows are a promise that they will not give up on each
other, in spite of their differences, sickness, and successes, but
will commit to waiting on God’s plan to work in their lives. The
Bible says that the process of a man becoming one with his
wife is a profound mystery, but in it the heart of Christ to His
church will be revealed.
As you read the unlikely love story that developed between
Dave and me, you will see that God most certainly can work
miracles. Dave asked God to lead him to a woman who needed
help and when he saw me, he claims it was a “love-at-first-sight
story.” I wasn’t looking for anyone but was determined to face
life my own way. Dave met with conflict the first day he said
“hello” to me, but God smiled on that day and was faithful to
complete the good work He had started in us.
We will look at God’s heart and purpose for marriage and see
that He is trustworthy and His plans are for us and not against
us. Then as we consider His goals for our marriage we will be
able to embrace the reasons God wanted a man and woman to
become a family. God gives clear direction on how to achieve
the goals He sets before us. His ways are not our ways, but He
gives us the power and the grace we need to act right so that
we can see His face and reflect His goodness through our
lives.
We will examine the differences between men and women
and how those differences can either build up or tear down the
other. The choice of whether we will help or hinder our spouse
is our own. If we choose to help, we must draw from God’s
source of supernatural love that is available to us on a daily
basis.
I will give you examples of my own mistakes and
shortcomings. If you have listened to me teach or have read my
previous books, you know that I am full of illustrations on
“what not to do.” But I can also prove that God is faithful to
bless those who repent of their stubbornness and follow His
leading.
I’ll show you that happiness is not about finding a spouse
who acts right all the time. Dave knows I think he sometimes
watches too many sports on TV and plays too much golf, but
we’ll see the surprise twist of what God says to do with a mate
who “doesn’t believe” they are in the wrong.
I will not end this discussion without showing you godly
principles on how to “fight fair” and confront the threats that
come against your relationship with your mate. This is an
important book, and I believe that God will reveal to you
spiritual truths and powerful applications that will heal, restore,
and renew your relationship with your spouse no matter where
you are in your relationship with each other.
My goal for this book is to encourage people with bad
marriages to believe that they can be healed. People with good
marriages need to continue to do what they have to do to keep
their relationship thriving. A majority of people don’t know
how to maintain what they have. Galatians 5:1 says, In [this]
freedom Christ has made us free [and completely liberated
us]; stand fast then, and do not be hampered and held
ensnared and submit again to a yoke of slavery [which you
have once put off]. So, once couples get this freedom, that
doesn’t mean they’re going to keep it without a healthy focus
on their relationship.
In fact, if people have a real weakness in an area, Satan will
come back around and try them in that area the first time he
thinks they’re asleep and not paying any attention. But God
will help us through the power of His Holy Spirit. We can
anticipate and wait for the blessing and good, which come to
those who conform to His will in purpose, thought, and
actions.
Love sees the best in the other person when they can’t see it
themselves.
Love between two people creates a safe place for them to
come when they are weary and not on their best behavior.
Love sees the best in the other person when they can’t see it
themselves. God is not mocked; we will reap what we sow. If
we love our spouse, we will in turn be loved when we need
grace in our lives. Someone needs to be first to sow the right
seeds. Read on to refresh yourself with biblical principles on
how to plant love into your relationship that will bring you a
harvest of happiness from God’s abundant supply.
 PART 1
TRIUMPH OR TRAGEDY?
 1
ONE FLESH? ARE YOU SURE?
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and
shall become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24

Marriage begins with a promise between a man and a woman

to honor and cleave to each other for life. Too many couples
depend on love to keep their marriage together, but
commitment is the adhesive of marriage, and love is the reward
of keeping the promise to stand beside each other through
both good and bad times, in both sickness and in health, in
both poverty and wealth. The process of keeping that promise
is what makes love grow between the two of them.
The story of how Dave and I met is probably much like many
other people’s first encounter. However, not every couple
started out with as many problems as I had, nor has every
couple enjoyed the victory and triumphs we have celebrated
through our marriage. Our relationship didn’t always bear the
good fruit that is now overflowing into the lives of others.
Without God, we were headed for tragedy, but God showed us
life principles that helped us through the struggles and
difficulties that most all couples face. Our story proves that
with God, all things are possible, and that commitment to a
promise bears the fruit of love.
By the time I was twenty-three years old, I was filled with
great disappointment. Injury upon injury had been inflicted
upon my heart, and I had never known what it meant to be
happy or at peace with life. When I met Dave, I had already
suffered an abusive relationship from my father and from a five-
year marriage to a young man who had as many problems as I
did.
Commitment to a promise bears the fruit of love.
I was born during the Second World War, right in the heat of
it, in 1943. My father was inducted into the service the day
after I was born, and I only saw him one time during the first
three years of my life. When he came home from the war, he
was bitter, angry, and addicted to alcohol, which left our family
with painful memories. I endured nearly fifteen years of sexual
abuse from him, which obviously had a devastating effect on
my personality.
I didn’t understand how to loose myself from the evil root of
rejection that developed in my soul, and after being abused
sexually I thought nobody would ever want me. So I married
the first young man who came along in my life even though he
had as many problems as I had. He had been raised improperly,
too, and was allowed to quit school at a very young age. We
had a five-year relationship that was riddled with pain and more
rejection. We were separated maybe twenty times during those
five years. My brief marriage ended in divorce, and my first
husband, who was living with other women, ended up going to
prison for writing bad checks.
Although we divorced, I had one child from that
relationship, whom I named David after my brother, and when
my son was about nine months old, I met Dave Meyer. Dave
worked with a young man who lived in the upstairs apartment
over my mom and dad’s two-family flat.
One night I was washing my mother’s car when Dave pulled
up in front of my house with the young man who lived
upstairs. Trying to flirt with me, Dave said, “When you are
finished with that car, would you like to wash mine?” I was
really sarcastic and snapped back, “If you want your car
washed, wash it yourself.”
Dave was twenty-six years old and was going with three
girls at the time, ardently looking for a wife. He says he knew
none of them were right for him. He was praying for somebody
“who needed help.” When he gave our tenant, with whom he
had worked for years, a ride home, he says I caught his
attention. He recently told the following story in his own words
to a friend of ours.
“She was in short shorts and I thought she was pretty nice
looking, so I said to myself, Well, I’m going to try this. Leaning
out of my car window, I said, ‘Hey, after you’re done with that
car, how about washing my car?”
“She snarled back at me and said, ‘If you want your car
washed, buddy, you wash it yourself.’ Immediately, the
thought hit me, That’s the girl for me. That voice inside me
just blurted out, ‘That’s the one, the one you’ve been looking
for.”
Dave says he has always enjoyed that original “fire” in my
personality. There have been many times that fire has caused
arguments, but over the years God has changed both of us. I
used to think Dave was actually entertained by my temper
tantrums. I can remember times when we would be in a heated
spat and Dave would change my direction by saying with a
smile, “Hey, there’s that old fire that I like so much — keep that
fire lit!”
Dave obviously likes a challenge. He reminds me of Caleb,
from the Old Testament book of Joshua, who said, “Give me a
mountain,” when he and Joshua were dividing up the property
in the promised land. Why would someone want to take on a
mountain? But Dave likes a challenge and I am convinced that
his wanting me had to be a supernatural act in his heart from
God. There was nothing inviting in my personality that would
have made somebody want me that much.
I am thankful that Dave continued to pursue his “mountain.”
On our first date we went to the bowling alley and I almost beat
him. Then we went to a basketball game together, played poker
one night with his brother, went to see a movie, and then went
for a drive on a Sunday. We basically had five dates and he
asked me to marry him. It was really a whirlwind courtship.
When Dave asked me to marry him, I was all messed up
emotionally. I was living at home and dealing with the
challenges of my dad again. I desperately wanted out of that
situation, and I was farther away from knowing what love was
than ever before. Dave said he loved me so when he asked me
to marry him, I basically thought, Well, why not? He is good
looking! I couldn’t know whether or not I loved him because I
didn’t know what love was after the way I had been treated
before I met Dave.
Anyone who had ever said they loved me, hurt me, and so I
didn’t trust anyone. My walls were carefully positioned to
protect my heart. I was afraid of being hurt again so I kept a
certain distance, but Dave seemed to understand the reason for
my fears and chose to love me anyway.
From the time Dave asked me to marry him, I thought he was
going to jilt me. The night that he proposed, he kept saying, “I
need to talk to you about something.”
I felt hurried because my dad was away from home on a
drinking spree and I wanted to get home before he did. Dad
became violent sometimes so I kept saying, “I have to get
home.”
But he insisted, “I have something important I want to talk to
you about.” I thought he was going to break up with me.
Finally, I conceded to let him say it so the bad news would be
over. When he asked me to marry him, I was shocked. I had a
negative outlook about everything. It was difficult for me to
believe that anything good would happen to me.
My answer to Dave when he said he wanted to marry me
was, “Well, you know, I have a son.” And he said, “If I love
you, then I love anything that’s part of you.” So we decided to
get married in six months. We ended up getting married about
three months after meeting each other. I divorced my first
husband in September, met Dave in October, and we were
married by January 7 of the next year.
Dave says he could have asked me to marry him the first
night we went out, but he knew it would just freak me out. He
said he knew that I was the girl that he was supposed to marry.
But, too many disappointments preceded his offer of love, and
I doubted his commitment right up to the moment that I walked
into the church and saw him at the altar. During all our
preparations for the wedding, I kept thinking we probably
wouldn’t go through with the ceremony.
In fact, I was late for the service. My mother was literally on
the verge of having a nervous breakdown at that time. She was
upset because I wouldn’t let her take more pictures at the
house, and she had me all upset. By the time I reached the
church, everyone wondered where in the world I had been.
We both agree that our marriage was a supernatural event.
Dave was a Spirit-filled Christian and was obviously hearing
from God. God could see the end result, beyond the person
that I was the day Dave pulled up in my driveway. We married,
and then the fun began.

YOUR FLESH OR MINE?

If two people are to become one flesh, as God frequently
repeats in His Word, it was obvious that one of us was going
to have to make some changes. It seemed right to me at the
time that Dave was the one who needed amendments.
When Dave and I were first married, we already had David,
then I became pregnant with Laura a few months later. She was
born in April 1968, and we were married in January of 1967.
Then eighteen months later, we had Sandy. With three kids, we
lived in a three-room apartment. There was just a living room,
one bedroom, and the kitchen. The apartment was part of a
four-family flat. Everyone else who lived there was quite a bit
older than us.
We had one car and hardly any money. Dave went to work
every day, and I stayed home with the kids. The first place we
lived had mice. I was seven months pregnant with Laura, and
mice were all over the house. I think that in one day we caught
seventeen mice.
One time I called Dave to tell him that I had a mouse tied up
in the bathroom. I had thrown a plunger over the mouse, tied a
rope around the bathroom doorknob, strung the rope across
the hall to a closet, and from there tied it around the bedpost. It
took Dave half an hour to get my barricade unraveled. By the
time he reached the plunger, that baby mouse had died and
was on its back with all four feet stuck up in the air.
When I was in the hospital with Laura, Dave decided we
should move out of our five-room apartment into the three-
room flat to save money. The rent for the apartment where we
had been living was ninety-five dollars a month, and the rent at
the three-room flat, about sixty-five dollars a month. Without
telling me anything about it, Dave moved all our things to the
three-room apartment. Can you imagine how furious I was
when Dave took me home from the hospital to a different, and
smaller, apartment? After all, we had finally caught all the mice,
or had become used to the ones that remained! He says now
that he knew I would be mad, but since I was mad all the time
anyway, he didn’t think this would make any difference!
The new apartment had roaches. There was one that was so
big we decided to name him Harvey When I sat up in the
middle of the bed at night to feed Laura, Harvey would come
flying around the corner. I was petrified of him, and at the sight
of him I would go into a screaming fit! Then after screaming
from seeing Harvey, I’d start yelling at Dave for moving us to
that stupid place. Dave finally caught Harvey, and after failing
to successfully set him on fire with lighter fluid, he delivered
the lively pest to his sister, who had lived there previously and
talked him into moving there in the first place.
The neighborhood where we lived was small. There was a
dime store on the corner, a bakery, a grocery store, a little
confectionery, and a beauty shop across the street. I never
went anywhere beyond that neighborhood. Every Friday I’d
walk across the street and get my hair done, and the rest of the
time I stayed locked up with the kids. I was trying to baby-sit
to make extra money, but I was the last person in the world who
needed to baby-sit — I was on the edge myself!
But even in the midst of all that, we had a certain amount of
fun. It wasn’t all a nightmare and crazy, but it was the right
setting for chaos and trials. Dave was always good to me and
he tried to make me lighten up. He’d go to the grocery store
with me, walk over into the next aisle and throw things over the
top of the shelves at me! Then he would chase me around with
the grocery cart until I became upset with him. Whatever he
did, Dave was determined to have fun.
I had never been allowed to have fun when I was growing
up. I was very insecure and felt as though everyone was
inspecting me. Because I thought nobody really liked me, I
acted as though I didn’t need anybody — like I didn’t care. Yet
down deep inside, I really did care and tried to be what I
thought others expected of me. But because I wasn’t at peace
with myself, the process of becoming one with Dave had a
rough start.
I entered our marriage feeling as though each of us was out
for ourself. Dave would do what was best for him, and I would
do what was best for me. If Dave watched football on Sunday
when I wanted to do something else, I felt that he wasn’t
interested in me. My thoughts nagged me with repeated
agonies, You don’t care about me; you are not taking care of
me.
And I regularly had temper tantrums. When Dave watched
football on Sundays, I cleaned the house, slamming and
banging things around to make noise so that he could tell I was
angry. I dragged the vacuum sweeper around while having a
pity party, then went into the back bathroom to cry. With all
my carrying on, I was trying to get him to do what I wanted.
That kind of behavior is what I now call “emotional
manipulation.”
I did this so many times that Dave became immune to my
noise. He watched the ball game because he knew I was going
to throw a fit anyway. Sometimes he played with the kids when
he knew I was mad at him. They would be on the floor with the
kids putting rollers in Dave’s hair, all oblivious to my demand
for attention. When you are hopping mad and obviously are
not affecting anybody, it just drives you crazy.
I was always looking for worth in what I did. Even where I
worked, I tried to climb the corporate ladder. And in church I
tried to be in with the right groups and the head of this and the
head of that. Of course, I did have a natural leadership
personality, but my personality was so messed up that I
wanted all this stuff for the wrong reasons. I wasn’t trying to
serve God; I was searching for ways to look important. My
struggles to do good things were just for “appearances” from a
works mentality, and my sarcastic mouth was not working to
help me get what I really wanted.
About six years into our marriage, I nearly exhausted Dave’s
patience. He was always the optimist, always trying to help me
look beyond my situation. But I couldn’t understand why my
efforts to manipulate him weren’t working, and, of course, our
sex life was messed up from all my anger. Finally one day Dave
said, “You know, Joyce, you just about have me to the point
where I can hardly stand you.” And he added, “The only thing
I can tell you is if you continue the way you are, I cannot
guarantee you a hundred percent what I’ll end up doing.” His
comments put the fear of God in me to seriously look at the
value I placed on Dave and our marriage.
All during this time, we were going to church. I really loved
God. I was born again and knew that I would go to heaven
when I died. But I wasn’t Spirit-filled. Dave was an elder in the
church, and I was on the church board. We went out every
week, knocked on doors for the evangelism program and told
people about Jesus. We were seen as leaders in the church.
We were living the pretend life, but behind closed doors, it was
another whole world and existence.
Happiness doesn’t come from doing the right thing for the
wrong reason.
I needed real answers from a real God. Of course I wanted
the answers real fast, too. But one of the first things I learned
was that happiness doesn’t come from doing the right thing for
the wrong reason. You can’t do what’s right to get something
right to happen to you. You have to do what’s right just
because it’s right. Then God will reward you. If your motive is,
“OK, I’m going to do this to get you to change, but if you don’t
change, then eventually I’ll quit doing it,” we will never enjoy
the reward that comes from God. He sees our heart and knows
whether we are trying to manipulate others or obey Him purely
out of love for Him alone.
Dave wanted me to change, and I wanted him to change. But
I had to reach the point of knowing that I had to do what was
right whether or not Dave ever changed. Even if he played golf
every Saturday and watched football every Sunday for the rest
of his life, I had to reach the point of acting right no matter
what Dave did.
It’s amazing how God changes things. Dave wanted to play
golf recently when I had some other things I wanted him to do
with me. He countered me with, “Well, you can do those things
by yourself.”
I said, “I’d really rather that you go with me.”
 He said, “OK.”
Fifteen years ago, he wouldn’t have done that. I nagged him
and was mad all the time, and he had learned to ignore me. But
now, most of the time be can go do what he wants, and it’s not
a problem. But if once in a while I want him to do something
different with me, he has the freedom to choose to be with me.
He knew I wouldn’t be mad at him if he really wanted to play
golf, but he also knew that it must be important to me to want
him with me this time or I wouldn’t have asked him.
Bottom line, if he would have said, “No, I really want to play
golf on Friday,” then I would have said, “OK, then I’m going to
go pick out the things we need for the house, and you will
need to trust my decisions.” And he would have agreed.
The same conditions still exist that used to bring separation
and strife between us, but they no longer have the divisive
effect on us. We’ve learned to be honest with our feelings
without threatening each other’s security. We’ve learned to
find the right time to confront each other with the issues that
used to throw us into opposite corners of the ring.
Dave and I learned to love each other, and out of our love a
worldwide ministry was birthed. It was never my goal to start a
huge ministry; I was just loving God and trying to learn to love
Dave because that was what God was asking me to do. God
has made big changes in our lives.
Dave and I learned to love each other, and out of our love a
worldwide ministry was birthed.
We learned to be good stewards when we were paying the
sixty-five dollars a month rent we needed for our apartment.
Today God provides all the funds needed each month for a
world outreach. I share this with you only to show you the
vast expanse of God’s ability to take plain, common, and
ordinary people like Dave and me through gigantic steps of
faith.
I was a housewife with a twelfth grade education, making my
bed in a town nobody ever heard of, Fenton, Missouri, when
God called me to do this. I was not looking for some big
ministry; I was trying to survive sexual abuse, failed
relationships, a messed up mind, and messed up emotions. But
I loved God.
It’s amazing what God will do for you if you just love Him.
We complicate Christianity to the point of losing the joy of our
salvation. The primary thing we need to do is receive the love
of God, learn how to love ourselves in a balanced way, love
God back, and then let that love flow through us to the world
full of hurting, dying people.
God will give back to us not only what we give away but will
also give as a great deal of joy with it. The world is full of rich
people who have “things” but are miserable. It’s good to be
materially prosperous, but it’s even better to be happy and
biblically blessed along with prosperity.
The doors that God has opened for us amaze us. I can’t
figure it out, but I am determined that as long as I can breathe, I
will keep walking through them in trying to help as many
people receive God’s joy in their lives as I can. Our society
today is in a major, major, major mess, and people don’t realize
that they need God!
So many people have an impression of God that is just not
true, and they don’t know to turn to Him to solve their
problems. God called Dave and me to a ministry in which we
can show the world an exciting God Who is fun, generous,
wonderful, and Who can solve their problems. We receive
thousands of letters confirming that our simple message of
trusting God by doing what He says to do is getting through to
people.
One woman who wrote me said that she’d been living with a
man for fifteen years. They weren’t married; they had an eight-
year-old son; they were drug addicts and they both had been
abused in their childhood. She ran away from home when she
was fifteen. She wrote:
God called Dave and me to a ministry in which we can show
the world an exciting God Who is fun, generous, wonderful
and Who can solve their problems.
We believed in God, but we lived in sin. One morning, I
came across [your television program] Life In The Word.
I don’t even know why I stopped to watch you. But I
began to watch you every morning as I cleaned my
house, and I felt like you were talking directly to me.
Now I get up every day looking forward to watching
Life In The Word. I watch you first, then I read my Bible,
then I pray. Me and my boyfriend and our son started
attending the same church that I went to when I was
young. We both got saved two weeks ago. Joyce, we gave
up drugs and we are getting married next month.
I wanted to let you know that you reached me and
helped me and my family turn our lives around. Please
continue doing what you are doing.
When Dave and I read the next sentence, we both stood in
our bedroom and cried. She said,
Now our son will be raised in church by Christians and
 not by drug addicts.
There are many people like her who believe in God, but live
in sin. Christianity is not just a trip to the altar to say the
sinner’s prayer. It is not just marching off to church on Sunday
morning or having a bumper sticker, a tape recorder, and a
Jesus pin. Christianity has to be walked out in a lifestyle that
solves problems. We must learn to die to self and live like
Christ.
Another woman wrote to us saying:
My husband had a gambling addiction. One night we
had an argument because he was going to go out and
gamble more of our money away. We were already in
such a deep financial hole it was unbelievable.
We were arguing, and he was going to leave. He came
into the bedroom to grab the keys off the dresser. I
reached out and turned on the television. There you were
and said, “You with the gambling addiction …” He
stopped dead in his tracks.
We film these shows to be aired months later, so only God
could orchestrate something like that. Isn’t God powerful? The
woman said her husband it still working through some things,
but he’s been attending Gambler’s Anonymous and has made
a real commitment to conquer his addiction.
One woman who started watching me said she didn’t even
believe in women preachers because she had been taught that
it was wrong for women to teach or preach. The only reason
she started watching was because she liked my clothes. (I told
Dave, “You see Dave, my clothes are helping the cause of
Christ. I have no choice but to shop!”)
 The woman who liked my clothes was a seamstress and went
out and bought a sketchpad. Every night at 11 o’clock, she sat
and drew the outfit I had on. She said:
I added all the sparkles, and I’d look at the backs of your
sleeves and draw them all out so I could make them. I
have no idea when I started listening to you, but
somewhere in the process of all that, God deeply touched
my heart. I’m closer to God now than I’ve ever been in my
whole life.
I’ve been a Christian thirty years, but I never had a
really close relationship with God. [Your messages]
drew me so close to God. My husband did not believe in
women preachers, but he saw such a change in me that
now if I get in a little bit of a bad mood, he says, “You’d
better be sure to watch Joyce Meyer tonight.”
My favorite letter came from Rick Renner who has a ministry
in Latvia. I have the privilege of being on television there, all
over the former Soviet Union. The letter told how God was
moving in a woman’s life in a powerful way through the
ministers she saw on TV. In many small Russian villages where
it looks as though people don’t have much of anything, most
families still manage to have a television.
Rick wrote: “I think this story will bless you, Joyce.” He said
a Ukrainian pastor took an evangelistic team into a little
Russian village where they knew for certain there had never
been a church or a gospel outreach. They believed it was brand
new territory and anticipated awesome opportunities.
They knocked on the door of the first little house in the
village and a little woman opened the door. When they began
to share the Gospel with her, she said, “Oh, wait, wait, wait;
come in. Let me tell you what’s happened to me.”
When they went in, she shared that she had been watching
“Good News with Rick Renner” and was saved while watching
television. She said that on the lower part of her back, she had,
had a cantaloupe-sized tumor that could not be removed
because it was too dangerous. The tumor, which she had, had
most of her life, caused her to slump over when she walked.
She wore loose fitting clothes to keep people from seeing it.
The tumor was very uncomfortable and had affected her whole
life.
A month after being saved, she watched a minister on TV
who pointed at the screen and said, “Healing belongs to you.”
In an instant she believed. She heard a loud pop on her back,
ran to the bathroom and saw that all the stuff that had been in
the tumor was running down her back and the back of her legs.
By the end of the day, the thing was completely gone — not
one trace of it remained.
Another month passed. She was watching a different
minister who began to share about the baptism in the Holy
Spirit. The Russian woman said she received the baptism of the
Holy Spirit and began to pray in the Spirit right there in her
little home, in that Russian village. She was born again, healed,
and baptized in the Holy Ghost, but felt there was something
still missing. Then she told them, “Now I’ve found ‘Life In The
Word with Joyce Meyer.’ I am getting my soul healed and am
maturing as a Christian.”
In 1999, we had a rare opportunity to go on a popular
network in Asia called “Starworld.” It is a secular network, but
it’s an English-speaking channel that reaches up to one-half
billion homes of people who want to practice their English.
They’ve never had any kind of religious broadcasting on that
channel. This letter came from Asia where we are sharing the
Good News of the Gospel every morning:
One day, at 6 A.M., I happened to get up early and turn on
the television. I saw you for the first time. I’ve been
watching Starworld for ten years, and I’ve never felt any
program as inspiring as the lecture you gave. I was
totally amused.
I’ve been feeling depressed for many, years; sometimes
I even felt like I was going to explode, although my
students would never feel it. I never showed it outwardly.
Do you have any idea how many people are unhappy, but
they never show it outwardly? They live phony lives, putting a
plastic smile on their face every day and just trying to hide
their misery from everybody. Jesus died for us to have more
than a phony life.
At my work post, I think I can say I’m a qualified
professor, but as a person, I always felt that I was
unhappy inside. I tried to analyze myself — tried to find
out what psychological problems I had — but I always
failed. Really I was just very miserable.
But when I saw you, you said, “I want to share
something with you that can help you come into a place
of rest.” You said, “Frustration comes from works of the
flesh,” and I’ll never forget your description about the
seeds in your hands, which was so impressive.
Your paraphrases are so amazing I can’t even tear
myself away from it. So from the first time I saw you, I’ve
never missed the chance to meet you at 6 A.M. every day
for nearly two weeks now. I’m totally obsessed with your
 lectures. I’m sure I’ll follow your course.
I managed to borrow a Bible in English in order to
follow your reading. I found no bookshops within my
reach that sells the Book. When you asked us to open the
Book and turn to I Peter chapter 5, I opened up the Book
I borrowed. It was not the Word you were reading. (The
reason is that I read from The Amplified Bible.) She
continued:
To tell you the truth, before listening to your lectures, I
never thought that I would be interested in any religious
beliefs because I knew too little about them. I think
maybe the one I borrowed is not the same edition as the
one you have. Mine is like this: ‘Holy Bible placed by the
Gideons.’
Could you please tell me where and in which way I
can get the Book that you use. Thank you very much.
Sincerely,
Your listener …
Of course, we sent her “The Book” right away, and we are
believing for her salvation. It is amazing how many people have
never heard godly principles to apply to their lives.
Christianity has so much to offer people. It is a lifestyle.
Christianity has to be walked out in our everyday lives if we are
going to affect anybody else’s life.
After I made a decision to become a Christian, I had to learn
how to live like a Christian. I learned that God’s blessings
cannot be enjoyed with one worldly foot stuck in
stubbornness, fear, and rebellion and the other foot trying to
touch the kingdom. I also learned that God’s blessings are not
just for ourselves. When we do what is right, it affects the lives
of others.
That is part of the miracle that God works between two
people. His plan is to restore our relationship with Him, then
our relationships with each other. He didn’t change our
individual style or approach to life; He simply changed our
hearts to be more accepting toward each other. He taught us to
adapt to each other and attend to each other’s needs when at
all possible. He taught us to take care of each other as well as
we would take care of ourselves.
God simply changed our hearts to be more accepting toward
each other. He taught us to adapt to each other and attend to
each other’s needs when at all possible.
If husbands and wives could practice this ability to accept
and attend to each other at home, these relational standards
could spread to how we treat people at work, in our
neighborhoods, and in our world. Then the mystery of
relationships that God spoke of in Ephesians 5:32 would begin
to unfold its secret.
 2
BUT WON’T THAT HURT?
For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the
church, Because we are members (parts) of His body. For
this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother and
shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one
flesh.
Ephesians 5:29-31

What was God thinking when He designed two unique,

never to be copied again, strangely wonderful individuals with
their own visions, dreams, and goals, and then told them, “Now
you will become one flesh”? And which one of us are we to
become? Is he to become like me, or am I to become like him?
What is God really asking us to do and what is His purpose in
all of this?
First, we must understand that the instruction that husbands
and wives would become one was given to those who
fellowship with God. “Becoming one” was not something we
were told to do, but was something that He said would happen
to us through the process of His plan.
God wants Christian couples to be subject to one another
out of a reverence for Christ. His purpose lies in the fact that
we are members (parts) of His Own body. Christian couples are
to become as one flesh in their goals and decisions in order to
demonstrate to the world on a small scale the power that takes
place from the oneness that a personal relationship with Him
should reflect. Look at the verse that follows the comment that
couples would become one flesh.
“Becoming one” was not something we were told to do, but
was something that God said would happen to us through the
process of His plan.
This mystery is very great, but I speak concerning [the
relation of] Christ and the church.
Ephesians 5:32
Married couples, who submit themselves to God’s leading,
are examples of the love relationship that is available between a
believer and Jesus. In other words, unbelievers who can’t see
Christ should be able to see His love when they observe the
relationship between Christian couples. As believers, we are to
put our attention on the Lord. But when we focus on Christ, He
always empowers us to achieve or receive our heart’s desire.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the
desires and secret petitions of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of
your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be
confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:4,5
Likewise, when a wife delights in her husband as unto the
Lord, the Lord will in turn attend to the desires and secret
petitions of her heart. God has also instructed the husband to
nourish and carefully protect his wife as he would his own
flesh. God has not called us into bondage but into the mystery
of His way that leads to freedom. God’s best will be returned to
us if we trust in Him and do His Word.
God said, the two shall become as one. There is finality to
God’s Word that points to the end rather than to the process.
He promises that the husband and wife will become one just as
Christ is one with the church. God is doing this work in us. It is
not something that we make happen; it is something that we let
happen as we trust God to do what He promised to do in us.

SOMEONE HAS TO BE
FIRST
To let God’s plan work, at least one of the two people
involved must start trusting the plan. Either the wife must trust
God enough to turn her attention on her husband, or the
husband must love his wife and care for her needs as Christ
cares for us. What a profound mystery that Christ came as a
servant to us, yet we find it hard to serve others. The more we
adapt ourselves to His ways, the more His blessings will fill our
lives.
God loved us first, and we loved Him back. He reaffirms us
concerning His love and we start loving others and eventually,
the love becomes so intertwined in us that it no longer matters
who was first to love the other. Ephesians 5:1 continues:
Therefore be imitators of God [copy Him and follow His
example], as well-beloved children [imitate their father].
 The book of Ephesians explains this lesson of love by
saying that we are to be useful and helpful and kind to one
another, tenderhearted, compassionate, and understanding
with the other. In becoming like Christ, we will naturally turn
our attention on the needs of others.
Neither the husband nor the wife sets the standard of what
the other one should become. Only Christ is the role model to
Whom we must adapt. Reaching the goal of becoming one with
each other is a daily process just as becoming like Christ is a
lifetime study course. It is painful to work at a relationship, but
it is more painful to reap failure, dissension, and separation
from those we love because we have simply neglected them
and sown bad seed.
So, to become “one” with each other, we must first come into
agreement with God by drawing near to Christ and becoming
like Him. Once we invite Jesus into our relationships, and do
what He says to do, we become like Him in our thoughts and
deeds, and consequently, we become loving like He is and we
develop and maintain good relationships.
There is [now no distinction] neither Jew nor Greek, there
is neither slave nor free, there is not male and female; for
you are all one in Christ Jesus.
Galatians 3:28

LOVE GROWS WHERE IT IS SOWN

When I met Dave, he was well on his way to adapting to the
mind of Christ. He was willing to take me as I was, just as God
is willing to accept all of us the way we were when we found
Him. God loves us, “flaws and all,” and I guess you could say
that Dave was overlooking mine. But just as God’s love
changes us to be more like Him, His love between two people
can cause them to adapt and be at peace with each other as
they become more like Christ in each other’s presence.
God’s love between two people can cause them to adapt and
be at peace with each other.
If Dave had not been walking with God, our marriage would
have suffered longer than it did, or perhaps not survived at all.
He was very patient with me during the years when I was
struggling so much. The fact that I was born again did help —
at least I made some tiny effort to be pleasing to God. I wanted
to do what was right, but I either did not know what that was
due to a lack of strong biblical teaching, or I was unwilling and
often unable to choose the right actions due to all the bondage
and strongholds in my personality.
I was horn again when I was nine years old. The night I was
saved, I had to sneak out of the house to go to church with
some relatives that were visiting us because my dad wouldn’t
have permitted us to go if we had asked. I knew that I went to
be saved that night, and I don’t even know how I knew that I
needed salvation.
The pastor did not have an altar call that evening. I was
really scared, but at the end of service I walked to the front of
the church, taking two of my cousins with me. I looked at the
pastor and said, “Can you save me?”
He was sorry that he hadn’t offered an altar call, but I had a
glorious cleansing of my soul that night. I knew I was born
again, but the next day I cheated in a game of hide-and-go-seek
with my cousins by peeking to see where they were going, and
I thought I lost my salvation! I was in my twenties before I
realized that Jesus had promised not to abandon me. Hebrews
13:5 confirms this promise, … For He [God] Himself has said, I
will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you
without support. [I will] not, [I will] not, [I will] not in any
degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let [you] down
(relax My hold on you)! [Assuredly not!]
Looking back I can see that since my conversion experience
I was determined to break loose from the situation that I was in
and become something more than my father thought of me. I
realize now that when I received the Lord. His strength came
into me to overcome that situation. Throughout my teenage
life, I still prayed and talked to God when I needed help to get
out of various situations.
God was with me all those years, and He helped me to
endure and to come out of the circumstances that had held me
captive. I always hoped that my mother would leave my dad,
but she never did and I couldn’t understand why she stayed
with him. Once, when seeking for answers, God showed me
that parents have an awesome authority over children’s lives
and that my father made a lot of bad choices — I was in the
bull’s eye of his aim.
When God gives a child to someone, He gives parents the
authority to make decisions for them, good or bad. Yet the
amazing thing is that God can take a child who was raised by
parents who made bad decisions and transform the child’s
heart to be as pure as though nothing had happened to him or
her. There isn’t anything that God cannot turn around for the
good if we love and obey Him. God has taken all the bad in my
life and used it to reach many lives with His love and
transforming power. I encourage you not to spend your life
trying to understand why things happen the way they do, just
close the door on the past and let God lead you into a
wonderful future.
Hurting people hurt other people. Satan wants the one who
was hurt to spend the remainder of his life hating the one who
hurt him, but God’s plan is just the opposite. God teaches us to
forgive by faith, trust Him to heal our emotions, then get on
with life. Life is not always fair, but God is. He is the God of
justice and He will bring compensation to those who have been
hurt if they place their trust in Him instead of taking matters
into their own hands.
Life is not always fair, but God is.

LOVE TURNS THINGS AROUND FOR THE

GOOD
God promises that if we love Him, He will turn all things for
our good. What a wonderful promise! Look at God’s promise to
fulfill our hopes in Romans 8:24-28.
For in [this] hope we were saved. But hope [the object
of] which is seen is not hope. For how can one hope for
what he already sees?
But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait
for it with patience and composure.
So too the [Holy] Spirit comes to our aid and bears us
up in our weakness; for we do not know what prayer to
offer nor how to offer it worthily as we ought, but the
Spirit Himself goes to meet our supplication and pleads
in our behalf with unspeakable yearnings and groanings
too deep for utterance. And He Who searches the hearts
 of men knows what is in the mind of the [Holy] Spirit
[what His intent is], because the Spirit intercedes and
pleads [before God] in behalf of the saints according to
and in harmony with God’s will.
We are assured and know that [God being a partner in
their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into
a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are
called according to [His] design and purpose.
Does it help you to realize that the Holy Spirit is praying for
you, even when you don’t know what to pray for? (See
Romans 8:27.) He is praying that God’s design and plan will
bring us into God’s will. This means that our marriage partner
can also come into God’s perfect design and purpose as we
continue to love God and put our hope in His promises.
When Dave and I were first married, I had many problems,
but I didn’t even know I was headed for deep trouble. Dave, on
the other hand, was Spirit-filled, which was unheard of in the
Protestant church he attended at that time. He was in the fourth
grade when he was born again and only eighteen when he
received the baptism of the Holy Spirit which I will explain more
about in a later chapter. He testifies of a tremendous experience
with the Lord when he was a young boy. Then as a teenager he
felt as though there was a wall he had to climb in order to know
more of God. He wanted more out of life than he was getting,
and he sought it for the longest time.
One day, while on break at an engineering company, he went
in the bathroom and said to God, “I’m not coming out of here
until You give me what I am looking for.” I think it is pretty
funny that he was sitting in the stall in the men’s room when
God answered Him. This proves that God is willing to meet us
where we are.
Dave was very serious about it. He was not leaving until
God gave him what he was seeking after, and that’s when it
happened. His face shines when he retells the story of how
God just filled him up, right there. Prior to this infiltration of
God’s Spirit, his eyesight was pretty bad, and God healed his
eyes! God began to reveal Himself to Dave and teach him
about grace. Instruction from God continued for days on the
subject of grace. Then God taught Dave about love, and over
the next few years Dave grew into a very strong, mature
believer in Jesus Christ.

GOD’S LOVE IS THE BEGINNING OF

ROMANCE
I want to tell you more about Dave’s story because I am
convinced that marriages work if at least one of two people is
seeking God for direction. Someone has to be first — it doesn’t
matter if it is the wife or the husband. But one of them needs to
know how to hear from God concerning the conflicts and
challenges they face and be willing to make the changes that
God directs so that love begins to grow in the relationship. In
our case, Dave knew how to hear from God.
Be willing to make the changes that God directs so that love
begins to grow in the relationship.
Through supernatural events and strange coincidences, God
showed Dave how to slow down his life to almost a slow
motion pace where it would be synchronized with Him. As
Dave understood the process, he intentionally slowed down so
he could be in step with God, focusing on listening to God for
days and days. Dave said that he functioned almost in a slow-
motion pace during that time of renewal, then God speeded up
his life up to the normal pace again. But when He did, Dave felt
synchronized with God.
Isaiah spoke of a similar experience with God in chapter 50,
verse 4:
[The Servant of God says] The Lord God has given Me
the tongue of a disciple and of one who is taught, that I
should know how to speak a word in season to him who
is weary. He wakens Me morning by morning, He wakens
My ear to hear as a disciple [as one who is taught].
After that experience, Dave found that in everything he did,
he seemed to know what God wanted him to say. It no longer
satisfied Dave to have just a good answer; he was now aware
that God had a perfect answer for every situation. It was a
supernatural revelation that, at the time, Dave didn’t realize
how miraculous it was.
By the time he went into the army, Dave had spent years
walking intimately with God, but he was already taking God’s
supernatural voice for granted because it had been such a
natural part of his life. His understanding of God’s will had
come to him from close communion with God, rather than
through study of the Word. Then when Dave was in the
service, he experienced a time that felt as though Gods
presence had left him.

GOD’S WORD ESTABLISHES HIS LOVE IN

OUR HEARTS
 Dave didn’t understand why God didn’t speak to him as He
did before. But since we have been married and are both in full-
time ministry, Dave can see God’s purpose in letting him
experience that time of silence. When he felt all alone, he had to
learn how to live all over again because he had depended on
God’s voice for everything. When his feelings changed he had
to seek security that transcended “feelings.” He had to learn
that God’s promises are true regardless of what our five senses
experience.
God wanted Dave to establish their relationship on the Word
that had been given to him. Dave needed to discover the
promises that had been made to him in God’s Word and learn
that God is faithful to keep His promises no matter how Dave
felt. This time, he had to learn how to come back to the intimate
position with God through the Word and faith alone.
As he began to study God’s promises, he saw that God was
still as close to him as the days he first began to love God.
While feelings waver, God’s Word stands firm as Isaiah also
expressed in chapter 40, verse 8:
The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of our
God will stand forever.
God wanted Dave to depend on His Word — His promises.
During that time, Dave became familiar with the Scriptures that
confirmed what God had taught him about grace and love.
Three years after he left the service he met and married me. God
had well prepared him for all of my problems. He had firmly
learned not to operate by his feelings. He explains that God’s
grace made him able to be patient with me and love me in the
midst of my upsets.
When I was angry, Dave didn’t let it steal his joy. He knew
that God was working in us, and he didn’t let our arguments
tear him down. By God’s grace during those early years of our
marriage and then by faith in His Word, Dave continued to
enjoy life even when I was mad. His happiness during my trials
made me angry and upset, but at the same time, drew me to him.
I wanted what he had.
I saw stability in Dave that I had never seen in anybody in
my whole life. No matter what I did, he remained the same. As
the years went by, Dave could look back and see that God was
preparing him the whole time for our marriage. When God was
revealing Himself to me in those early years, I didn’t realize that
He was making me think more like He thinks. And when it
seemed that God had left me, He was actually wooing me or
drawing me after Him so that I would get into the Word, then
depend on His Word.

DON’T LET ANYONE STEAL YOUR JOY

It was a key factor to our success that Dave didn’t let me
make him unhappy. Many disagreements could be avoided if
we didn’t depend upon our spouse to make us happy. Dave’s
contentment was in God’s promise not in my compliance.
Many disagreements could be avoided if we didn’t depend
upon our spouse to make us happy.
When I have shared that in meetings, it really ministers to
people. People feel that if they have a problem, they are almost
obligated to be unhappy. I was a dependent person with
irrational behavior, and I wanted to make Dave codependent on
me so I could control him. It seemed fair to me that if I wasn’t
happy, he shouldn’t be either!
 Dave was a role model to me, who showed me new ways to
handle disappointment and disagreement. I challenged Dave’s
stability to the extremes. Sometimes for two and three weeks I
wouldn’t say one word to him. Not one word. I would just shut
up and not say a word. But Dave loved me and showed me the
agape love of God. I saw God’s unconditional love in him and if
I wanted to receive it, I could benefit from it, but if I didn’t, it
didn’t stop him from loving me. His stability amazed me. He did
get angry with me sometimes, but somehow he was always able
to demonstrate his love while disapproving of my actions. He
was the closest thing I had ever seen to what I might have
conjectured peace or love to be like.
It is important for people who are married to a troubled
person, or married to somebody who is having problems, or
who isn’t saved, or whatever the case might be, to strive for
stability in God. This can be a painful process but it is the
direct path to eventual peace and joy. People must not let a
troubled spouse’s behavior dictate their joy. They should
strive to be stable and solid, so their behavior can witness to
the other person.
The only way I had ever seen anything handled as I was
growing up was with anger, force, and manipulation.
Disagreements were handled by controlling people with temper
tantrums. In other words, “I’m mad at you and I’m going to
stay mad at you until you do what I want you to.” And that
was the way I fought for what I wanted. I grew up in a negative
atmosphere where I was taught, “You cannot trust anybody.
Anybody who even wants to do anything or even says they
want to do something nice for you has some ulterior motive.”
I’m using the example of the people who influenced my
childhood, not to disrespect them, but to demonstrate that I
believe people repeat what they were taught as children unless
God does a work in them. Later, I will discuss how we learned
to have healthy confrontations. But I was taught in the earlier
years of my life to be negative.

HAPPINESS IS YOUR OWN

RESPONSIBILITY
Six years into our marriage, Dave was beginning to tire of the
fight. When I saw that Dave was no longer trying to give me
“pep talks,” I realized it was my turn to do something about my
unhappiness. If a spouse can make everything all right for
someone, then Dave had been doing all the right things for our
marital bliss. But I couldn’t be in harmony with him until I was
in harmony with God.
I wasn’t aware at the time how painful my unhappiness was
for Dave. He reflects on that time of challenge with both fond
and fretful memories. When I pushed him to the edge, he would
go out alone and pray and cry. In the beginning he would try
to share with me about things, saying, “You have to change or
this has to change.” And nothing ever happened. It made me
worse. So Dave realized that I couldn’t change from the outside
in. It had to be from the inside out. From that time on, he
realized that all he could do was pray when I was being
sarcastic or belligerent. He would cry, “God, I can’t change
this! Only You can get on the inside of her and change this.”
It was at this time in our marriage that I began to read the
Word of God with new interest and enthusiasm. The Word was
beginning to make sense to me and draw me to desire more of
God in my life. I know that people don’t like “pat answers” for
life, but the Good News of the Gospel is very simple. I think
that every person has to pick up the Bible and be willing to do
what it says no matter what any other person does. And they
have to do it as unto the Lord. Only then does an individual
find the true path to happiness and wholeness.
 3
BEFORE STARTING OVER, TRY
THIS …
Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in
every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and
petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to
make your wants known to God. And God’s peace [shall be
yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation
through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being
content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that
peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison
and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ
Jesus.
Philippians 4:6,7

If more people would actually pray for their struggling

relationships, I believe they would see peaceful changes in
their marriages. Too often, people spend all their waking
thoughts on their problems instead of on their relationship with
God. Consequently, they miss out on the peace that God wants
to bring them.
Peace was not even a concept in the early days of our
marriage. Six years into our marriage, Dave was possibly at a
point that if he could have asked for a second chance, he
would have offered God another rib and said, “Lord, how ‘bout
a new model; this one isn’t working!” Fortunately, Dave didn’t
trade me in on a new wife. He did ask God to change me in the
areas that were causing us so much pain, and after a period of
time, I did begin to change in those areas. It was during his
time of intercession that I began reading and studying the
Word.
I began to study the Word, but typical to when a person is
changing, I appeared to get worse before I got better. The
Word was convicting me and fortunately, Dave didn’t stop
praying for me. When we share about this time in our lives, I
have heard Dave say, “When you are praying for somebody in
an area and they get worse, that’s not the time to stop praying.
That’s the time to get encouraged. Most people give up when
they pray for somebody and a person gets worse because they
think their prayers are not working. But in reality God is
beginning to deal with them, and their flesh is getting all
upset.”
There will be a transition period so if you keep praying
during that period of time, they’ll get through it and will be
changed in that area. Too often Christians give up praying
because they want instantaneous success and immediate
answers.
Jesus told us to ask and keep asking, to seek and keep
seeking, and to knock and keep knocking until the door opens
that we want to enter. Matthew 7:8 promises a response:
For everyone who keeps on asking receives; and he who
keeps on seeking finds; and to him who keeps on
knocking, [the door] will be opened.
When God was dealing with me, I felt more stubborn than
ever before I started to improve. It can make you mad to find
out that you are the one who needs to make changes instead of
the one who you think is irritating your life. When Dave saw
how irritable I was becoming, he became encouraged instead of
discouraged.
It is so important to understand that a process takes time,
and time is something of which God has plenty. He is not in a
hurry when it comes to working things out. He knows that
eternity outweighs the longevity of today. He will work with us
until the work is complete, no matter how long it takes. When
you see that God is dealing with your loved one, don’t give up
but rejoice and keep praying.
It takes time to receive the blessing. So many people want
everything to be big now. It’s not going to be big now. You are
going to have to go through a learning process or a transition
of metamorphosis like the caterpillar turning into a butterfly.
There are many things that must happen in that process. When
God completes the work in your marriage, you won’t regret any
of the process that it took to get where He wants you. The
happiness will be so complete that the process will no longer
matter. But don’t give up in the middle of the process. God had
something great in store for both partners of a marriage when
He promised that they would become one. If you are having
problems in your marriage: Don’t give up!
God had something great in store for both partners of a
marriage when He promised that they would become one.

STAND FIRM
 I believe many couples are divorcing after years of marriage
because they are not given proper direction on how to stand
against the enemies of marriage, of which pride and selfish self-
centeredness are two of the worst. There are some good role
models, but we have to search for them: people with loving,
stable relationships, who have been willing to be patient and
work through their difficulties, who realize the grass is not
always greener on the other side as we are often tempted to
believe it is. The church should demonstrate to the world what
a godly marriage is suppose to be like, but instead we now
have percentages of divorce among Christians so high that
they barely differ from the world.
Because we live in a society that expects things
instantaneously, most people want everything to be good
immediately. But there’s a process that must take place for
anything to become solid. That’s why I like our motto for the
ministry which is slow and solid; fast and fragile. If it’s fast,
and fragile it’s not going to last very long, and it’s not going to
be very effective. But if it’s slow there’s going to be a lot of
solidity to it.
The letter to the Ephesians has much to say about the
process of establishing both the family and the church. Paul
clearly teaches that spirit forces of wickedness will come
against us as we strengthen ourselves in the Lord (Ephesians
6:10-12) and when they do, we are to put on the full armor of
God.
Therefore put on God’s complete armor, that you may be
able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day [of
danger], and, having done all [the crisis demands], to
stand [firmly in your place].
 Stand therefore [hold your ground], having tightened the
belt of truth around your loins and having put on the
breastplate of integrity and integrity and of moral rectitude
and right standing with God.
Ephesians 6:13,14
If you study the times when it appeared that God brought
instant answers, you will find that someone had been praying
and standing on their petitions for that miracle for a long time.
God answers through a process of events, and we must not
abandon our hope before we get His answer. We may see
God’s answer manifest suddenly, but work had been going on
behind the scenes for probably a long time. It may encourage
you to realize that if you are trusting God and praying, He is
working on your situation even though you have not seen the
evidence yet. This is what faith is: It is the assurance of things
unseen.
God answers through a process of events, and we must not
abandon our hope before we get His answer.
When I started getting in the Word, God did me a great favor
in calling me to preach because I’m a committed, responsible
person. And if I was going to do it, I was going to do it right,
which meant I had to study a lot. I studied for the home Bible
studies that I taught for six, seven, eight hours a day in order
to teach for one hour.
Gradually, I started changing and conforming to the Word.
One of the first things I had to learn was to respect people.
Learning to respect and submit to authority was another major
event in my life. It was very hard for me to do because I didn’t
trust anyone. I could not believe that Dave would make a
decision with my best interests at heart. No one had before I
met Dave, so I had no positive experience on which to base
trust. I had to learn to trust.
As I read the Word, I saw that God had a plan to bless me
and not hurt me. Marriage was His idea and He established it
for a purpose that was greater than I could understand. He said
that He came to bring us peace.
I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have
[perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have
tribulation and trails and distress and frustration; but be of
good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain,
undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have
deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for
you.]
John 16:33
But I lacked peace and Scriptures pointed to the fact that
peace is the goal God had in mind when He established
authority and relationships. I was so hungry for stability and
peace. And I just made my mind up that I was going to have
peace regardless of what changes would be required of me. I
understood that to have peace, I must be in Christ and let
Christ live in me. At that point, I stopped arguing with Dave so
much. I had finally come to the point where arguing just wasn’t
worth it to me anymore.
Peace is the goal God had in mind when He established
authority and relationships.

STAY FOCUSED ON THE

PROMISE
As I studied the Word, I could see that God focuses on the
end result, not the process that we go through. Our hope is in
His answer not in our trials or waiting period. As time went by,
God began to change areas in me, and Dave said it was as
though I was a whole new person.
The more I fell in love with Jesus, the more I wanted to obey
Him. The more I obeyed the Lord, the more I wanted to be
involved with Him. The more involved I was, I loved Him even
more and soon became eager for opportunities to obey Him.
That’s why Jesus said, “If you love Me, you will obey Me.”
And so really, to whatever degree we are obeying Him, it’s to
that degree that we love him.
I started wanting to have peace, realizing that not having
peace was affecting my anointing to minister. It was then that I
received a revelation on strife and how to keep strife out of our
marriage and our lives.

SEPARATE YOUR WHO FROM YOUR DO

Besides this deep desire for peace, another major
breakthrough for me was learning that I had a root of rejection
which I share of in my book, The Root of Rejection. That
problem kept me from communicating with Dave. I didn’t know
what in the world was wrong with me. We were okay as long as
we both thought the same way about something, but if Dave
had his own opinion on how something should be that was
conflicting with my idea, I felt like he was putting me down.
 He would try to tell me, “I’m not trying to put you down. I
have an opinion and you have an opinion. We have the right
to have separate opinions.” But I couldn’t understand that
because of the way I had been treated. If he rejected my
opinion, I felt that he was rejecting me.
Although I couldn’t work all that out in my head, I honestly
did not know why we couldn’t talk. We would try to talk about
something, and I would get confused. I would get so confused
that I didn’t even know what we were doing anymore, and it
was horrible. We went through this time, after time, after time.
During this same time I was actually teaching our home Bible
study group on rejection! A couple of other things happened
in our relationship during that time. God said to me, “You are
reacting to him this way because he doesn’t agree with you
and you feel he’s rejecting you. You are not separating your
who from your do. Dave loves you, but he doesn’t agree with
you on this one point. And you have to let him have his
opinion.” It was a major turning point for me.
God wants spouses to work through the obstacles that
separate them from each other. Unfortunately, there are few
role models in our lives to demonstrate what He had intended
for the union of a husband and wife to be. Rebellion, fear,
insecurity, and impatience keep us from the blessing God
intended for a man and woman to enjoy together.
I had to learn to submit to the authority of God trusting that
He has my good in mind. I had to learn that God loves me
enough to direct me to actions that will bring blessing not
bondage. He told me in His Word to love my husband — “love
Dave.” I could only prove that God was trustworthy by doing
what He said to do. Healing began as I was obedient to what
God said to do.
I had to learn that God loves us enough to direct us to actions
that will bring blessing not bondage.
God was asking me to let Dave have a separate opinion
without it being a threat to my self-esteem. I had to learn to let
God work out the differences between us while learning to
respect Dave’s differences and personality, which I will
discuss more in a later chapter.
Peace comes from trusting God first. I had to learn to trust
God when Dave and I differed in our opinions. By letting God
into the midst of my concerns, I began to have a new respect
for Dave’s point of view. Once the threat of rejection was
removed from our debate, my heart began to change. The
reward of my obedience was a growing sense of admiration for
my husband.

GOD CAN MAKE ALL THINGS NEW

God does not have to have good material to build with; He is
willing to take all the messes we offer Him and turn them into
miracles. He has the ability to make all things new.
In Ezekiel 36:26 God makes a promise to those who will come
to Him, A new heart will I give you and a new spirit will I put
within you, and I will take away the stony heart out of your
flesh and give you a heart of flesh. God can give a tender heart
to someone whose old heart was bruised and beaten with the
hardness of life.
God does not have to have good material to build with; He is
willing to take all the messes we offer Him and turn them into
miracles.
 This promise is made again in 2 Corinthians 5:17: Therefore if
any person is [ingrafted] in Christ (the Messiah) he is a new
creation (a new creature altogether); the old [previous moral
and spiritual condition] has passed away. Behold, the fresh
and new has come! God makes the past nonexistent as if it
never happened so that we can face tomorrow without nagging
memories from the past. He has bright and wonderful promises
for our marriages if we will trust Him and do what He tells us to
do.
 4
A MAN SHOULDN’T BE ALONE
Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy, precious,
of great price, and especially dear) in all things. And thus
let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept undishonored); for
God will judge and punish the unchaste [all guilty of
sexual vice] and adulterous.
Hebrews 13:4

God has a purpose for marriage. And what God intended

marriage to be and what most of us believe it to be are two
entirely different things. All that God created was good, but
when He looked at man, He said it wasn’t good for him to be
alone, so He created woman and told them to become one. He
blessed them and told them to be fruitful, multiply, and subdue
the earth.
To trust God’s plan it helps to understand what His purpose
is. God always starts out with something good and powerful,
but it doesn’t take the enemy very long to come in and pervert
it in an effort to steal and destroy what God wanted to give to
us.
Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate® Dictionary defines
“marriage” as “1 a: the state of being married b: the mutual
relation of husband and wife … c: the institution whereby men
and women are joined in a special kind of social and legal
dependence for the purpose of founding and maintaining a
family 2: an act of marrying or the rite by which the married
status is effected; especially: the wedding ceremony and
attendant festivities or formalities 3: an intimate or close union
<the marriage of painting and poetry —J. T. Shawcross>.”1
To trust God’s plan, it helps to understand His purpose.
Marriage is certainly more than the ceremony, but to many
people today it has been reduced to merely a day of flowers
and festivities. Our divorce rate is extremely high.
Divorce used to just affect non-Christians, and believers
were very serious about making their marriages work. Divorce
was not an option for the Christian because the Word of God
gave only certain conditions under which somebody should
just give up on their marriage. People used to be more serious
about making their marriages work, but more and more
believers, Christian people who love God and know the Word,
are giving up on their marriages today. They’re throwing in the
towel and saying, “Well, forget it. We just can’t get along.”
I know a woman who loves the Lord, and yet after twenty-
three years of marriage her husband left her. There are a lot of
different circumstances involved in divorce, and she knows a
lot of their problems were her fault. He was willing to try to
make it work. She knew if she called him and said, “OK, I’m
sorry, let’s try and get this thing to work,” there was a good
chance that he would come back. But she said, “I don’t even
know if I want to bother. I just don’t know if I really love him or
if I ever really loved him.”
No one really loves anyone unless God puts that love in
their heart for them. First John 4:8 says, He who does not love
has not become acquainted with God [does not and never did
know Him], for God is love. That tells me that if God is love,
then we must allow God to instruct us in how to treat people.
I’m not so sure how many of us loved each other when we got
married to start with. Most of the time young couples marry
because of a physical attraction. Sometimes, people just get
married because they’re lonely. There are all kinds of different
reasons.
I can tell you right now that when I married Dave, I didn’t
have the slightest idea what love was. I didn’t know how to
give love; I didn’t know how to receive love. I had never seen
real love coming toward me. I didn’t know what it was. When
Dave started telling me that he loved me, I just couldn’t seem
to release the words out of my mouth to tell him I loved him,
too.
I have grown to love Dave over the years that I have lived
with him. Through watching him, hurting with him, laughing
with him, crying with him, raising children with him, fighting
with him, making up with him, working together and playing
golf together, now I can say that I know that I love him very
deeply.
Maybe your marriage is not presently in serious trouble, but
that doesn’t mean that five years from now the devil couldn’t
launch an attack against your marriage, and you would need to
remember something from what I share with you in this book.
Believe me, the devil attacks the family unit and the home.
When those doubts begin you think, I don’t know if I ever
loved you to start with. This is never going to work. All we
ever do is fight. And then you start to get your eye on
somebody else. You need to realize that they probably have
more problems than the one you have. As I already said, the
grass is never greener on the other side of the fence.
The Bible says that marriage is a union. Now union is an
interesting word. It means such a joining together of two that
they are one. We throw that term around a little bit loosely. We
know we are supposed to be one with the Godhead, the body
of Christ is supposed to be one, and two people who get
married are supposed to be one. But we don’t seem to
comprehend totally what that means.
Picture that I am holding an empty glass. Beside me are a cup
of coffee and a glass of water, the coffee of course is really
dark and black, and the water is clear. A lot of times when
people get married they are as different as coffee and water.
Once in a great while, two people will get married and they’re a
lot alike, but most of the time people are very different from
each other when they first come together.
After having poured that cup of coffee and that glass of
water together in this glass, is there any way that I could ever
separate them again? Dave and I were so different when we
started out, you would think. How in the world have you guys
ever made it more than thirty years? We were almost like a cup
of coffee trying to marry a glass of water. But when God pours
the two together you can watch and see what happens.
God intended for you and your spouse to become a blend
when He joined you together. Just as the coffee and water, you
really can’t even tell if it’s coffee or water now. It looks like a
new substance. And we wouldn’t have any idea how to ever
get it apart again. We become one new person joined together
in Christ Jesus. And that’s what God wants to do in our
marriages. He wants to join us together in such a way that
there’s no question about being torn apart. We are one.
God wants to join us together in such a way when we marry
that there is no question about being torn apart. We are one.

HOW PRECIOUS IS LOVE?

Look again at Hebrews 13, verse 4, because this is a very
powerful Scripture that is going to come up in this discussion
several different times. Let marriage be held in honor,
(esteemed worthy, precious …). The marriage relationship
should be honored in the home. Marriage should be held in
honor. This is something that God created. Marriage is not
man’s idea. God was the One Who told Adam that he needed a
helpmate. God was the One Who brought a woman for him and
He joined the two together and said that the two shall become
one flesh.
The minute you were married, you were legally one, but
experientially you were not yet one. We make a mistake when
we don’t realize the difference between legality and experience.
Legally, the minute that I was born again and I accepted Jesus
Christ as my Lord and Savior, I legally became a new creature.
But I didn’t act like a new creature the minute that I was born
again.
So legally, when we are married we are bound together as
one. But the Bible does say that the two will become one flesh.
You are in the process of “becoming.” While the process is
working itself out, marriage should be held in honor and your
relationship with each other should be esteemed as worthy and
precious. You should treat each other like a piece of fine china.
Its amazing how people treat each other when they’re going
together compared to the way they treat each other after they
get married. When Dave and I were courting, I never even
knew the man played golf. I never saw his golf clubs one time.
He had eyes only for me. Dave has lifted weights basically all
of his life, and he still does every other day or so. He was
twenty-six years old when we met, and he had never taken a
girl home with him to meet his mother. He told his mother,
“When I bring a woman home with me, that will be the woman
that I’m going to marry.”
But Dave said that the first night he didn’t come home to lift
weights, his mother knew our relationship was serious. He
even laid aside weight lifting some nights for me. I didn’t even
know be played golf, and all of a sudden, after about five days
of marriage, I guess he grew tired of putting up curtain rods for
me and decided to drag his golf clubs out of the closet. He
said, “I’m going out to the park to hit shag balls.”
I said, “What are those and what’s a shag ball?”
And from then on, for the first three years of our marriage,
we fought over golf. It is amazing how differently we act when
we are trying to get something from how we treat that
something we were trying to get when we finally possess it.
We are careful about our manners and how we behave and
how we act when we are “in pursuit.”
Once that thing or “someone” belongs to us we act a
different way than the way we acted before it belonged to us.
It’s sad, isn’t it? I exhort you to treat your spouse as if you
were still courting because, in effect, you are. If you don’t work
at your marriage, you are not going to have a good one.
We are to hold marriage in honor, esteem it as worthy and
precious. Think about that for a minute. Marriage is precious.
It’s honorable in the eyes of God, and it is to be esteemed
worthy. Keep that fact in your mind’s eye.
 Avoid getting a loose attitude toward marriage. We begin to
treat each other like some old throw pillow tossed in the corner
somewhere. We get it when we want to be comfortable, but
otherwise ignore it. According to God’s Word, we need to
esteem marriage as worthy, precious, of a great price, and
especially dear.
According to God’s Word, we need to esteem marriage as
worthy, precious, of a great price, and especially dear.
One morning I was praying because I didn’t know what God
wanted me to teach at an upcoming couple’s advance. I asked
the Lord for guidance and found Malachi, chapter 2, confirming
that God cares how husbands and wives treat each other. If we
would stop treating each other the way we feel like treating
each other, and start preferring one another the way God tells
us to, we would see God’s blessing come into our lives.
We need to understand that if we are not going to follow
God’s way, then we are opening up doors for the devil to come
in to kill, steal, and destroy. But if we’ll do it God’s way, then
we are going to have God’s blessing. A good marriage is a
tremendous blessing, but a bad one is a curse. There is nothing
worse than living in a house with somebody whom you hate
and despise and resent. If you are always nit-picking, fighting,
and arguing with each other, you will wear each other out.
Even when you are not outwardly arguing, you let thoughts
constantly run through your head about all these things they
do to you that you wish they wouldn’t do. I know because I
have lived like that, and my marriage was sick. But God can do
a tremendously beautiful work in our relationships if we will let
Him. But we have to live out our marriage God’s way.
It is amazing to me how many Christians think that their
home and their lives are going to be blessed while they
continue to live in strife. It won’t work that way.
The only thing that stands between us and our ability to do
what God tells us to do is our flesh. Our hearts are right, or we
wouldn’t be seeking God for answers or reading books on
marriage. We obviously want something to be better than it is
now, but our flesh stands between us and doing the perfect
will of God. Pride rises up and keeps us from making the first
move. That soulish realm blocks us from the perfect will of God.
What we want, what we think, or what we feel is not the issue.
The issue is the Word of God. What does the Word of God
say about our marriages? The Bible has a lot to say about how
men should treat their wives. It also speaks of how wives
should treat their husbands. This Scripture in Malachi 2:10-14
addresses the husbands first:
Have we not all one Father? Has not one God created
us? Why then do we deal faithlessly and treacherously
each against his brother, profaning the covenant of [God
with] our fathers?
Judah has been faithless and dealt treacherously, and
an abomination has been committed in Israel and in
Jerusalem; for Judah [that is, Jewish men] has profaned
the holy sanctuary of the Lord which. He loves, and has
married the daughter of a foreign god [having divorced
his Jewish wife].
The Lord will cast out of the tents of Jacob to the last
man those who do this [evil thing], the master and the
servant [or the pupil] alike, even him who brings an
offering to the Lord of hosts.
And this you do with double guilt; you cover the altar
 of the Lord with tears [shed by your unoffending wives,
divorced by you that you might take heathen wives], and
with [your own] weeping and crying out because the
Lord does not regard your offering any more or accept it
with favor at your hand.
Yet you ask, Why does He reject it? Because the Lord
was witness [to the covenant made at your marriage]
between you and the wife of your youth, against whom
you have dealt treacherously and to whom you were
faithless. Yet she is your companion and the wife of your
covenant [made by your marriage vows.
Now, the issue here is not whether you are Jewish or not.
The point God is saying is, “Listen, you have divorced the wife
of your youth, and you have married somebody else, and I am
not pleased with it.” It’s pretty simple.
Yet they asked, “Why does He reject our offerings?” It’s
amazing sometimes how foolish we can be in our thinking. The
men of Judah had blatantly disobeyed God, and now God was
rejecting their offerings, and yet they come back to the altar
saying, “Well, God, why are You mad at us? Why are You
rejecting our offerings?” And God just simply says, “Because
you didn’t do what I told you to do.” It’s pretty simple.
I am not saying here that there is never a reason to get a
divorce. Of course there are cases where divorce is the only
option, but certainly not in as many cases as we see and deal
with today in our society. Many marriages end in divorce
today simply because people are not willing to go through
what it takes to make a marriage good. God hates divorce. He
does not hate the divorcee, but we should under no
circumstances have a loose view of divorce.
 As I already mentioned, I was divorced when I was twenty-
three years old, after a five-year relationship with a man who
was unfaithful and broke the law. He also regularly deserted me
for long periods of time. He simply disappeared with no word at
all concerning where he was. Then, after several months, he
would reappear, begging for another chance, telling me how
much he loved me. My hunger to be loved caused me to be
deceived by him for a long time, but after giving birth to my
first son, I knew my life and his could no longer be subjected to
that kind of unstable behavior. My life proves there is “life
after divorce,” but once again let me stress that marriage is to
be held in honor and highly esteemed. We should never
pursue divorce without biblical grounds and without having
done all we possibly can to make the marriage work.
If you are already divorced, or perhaps even divorced
several times, there is no point in spending the rest of your life
feeling guilty. Make up your mind from this point on that
marriage is intended for a lifetime. If you are married again now,
make the marriage work; if you are not, don’t get married until
you know for sure that you are ready to make a lifetime
commitment.
Having a happy life and being blessed is not nearly as
complicated as we make it. All we have to do is do what God
says to do. It’s not really that hard. We get our thinking all
fouled up. We are self-centered and self-willed, but there is not
a better way than God’s way. We don’t have a better idea than
God has, and we can’t come up with a better plan than His. For
years, I thought I knew better than God when it came to my
own happiness. It took God the better part of twelve years to
convince me that my idea was not better than His.
Having a happy life and being blessed is not nearly as
complicated as we make it.
Notice why the Lord rejected their offerings. In verse 14 of
Malachi 2 it says, … Because the Lord was witness [to the
covenant made at your marriage]. … When you got married,
were you aware that God was there? He saw it, He watched it,
and He calls your union a covenant. It was not just some
ceremony you went through with a couple of witnesses. God
participated in your marriage.
… Because the Lord was witness [to the covenant made at
your marriage] between you and the wife of your youth,
against whom you have dealt treacherously. … Now, we are
going to get into some pretty serious language here in a
minute. The Bible says if a man deals treacherously and
faithlessly with his wife, God does not take it kindly. … And to
whom you were faithless. Yet she is your companion and the
wife of your covenant [made by your marriage vows].
And now, watch carefully as verse 15 points to God’s
purpose for marriage.
And did not God make [you and your wife] one [flesh]?
Did not One (being God) make you and preserve your
spirit alive? And why [did God make you two] one?
Because He sought a godly offspring [from your union].
…
Now, I think this is interesting. Why did God make the two
of you one? Because. He sought a godly offspring from your
union. Now, I believe that’s talking about children, but I
believe it’s talking about a lot more than that. I think it’s talking
about godly fruit.
God makes two people, one, in marriage because He seeks a
godly offspring from the union — children and godly fruit.

WHAT KIND OF FRUIT ARE YOU

BEARING?
I believe that it glorifies God when Dave and I do nice things
for each other. We have a little routine in the morning. The first
thing we do is I hug up to his back for five minutes. And then I
turn over and he hugs up to my back for five minutes. And we
set our clock fifteen minutes early because we enjoy that time
so much.
That’s a personal thing, but married couples need to love
each other. We can’t just come to each other when we want
something. We need to be in the habit of loving each other and
being sweet to our spouse. We once had a waterbed, and it
was hard to get out of it. So Dave usually got up before I did,
then came to help pull me out of the waterbed. Sounds comical,
doesn’t it? I just kind of fell into his arms and hung there for
another few minutes. We’ve had a housekeeper in recent years,
but at one time, Dave used to go off and make the coffee, and I
took a shower.
Yes, my husband made the coffee! I needed to wash my hair
and allow it time to dry, so he wasn’t ashamed to go do that for
me. That was a blessing for me, and he did it happily. I believe
that is all part of the godly offspring from our union.
God is looking for things in the earth that are going to glorify
Him. He’s looking for things that are going to give Him praise.
And I believe it gives God praise when we love each other.
That’s why the Bible says that we in the body of Christ should
become one. That’s why God wants us to love, exhort, and
edify each other and not be jealous or envious of each other.
That unity and oneness is the presence of His power that gives
God glory.
Why did the Lord make you two one? Because He wants a
godly offspring from your union. … Therefore take heed to
yourselves … (v. 15). God is saying, “You have to watch
yourself. Let’s be serious about this thing. It’s not just going
to automatically happen.” … And let no one deal
treacherously and be faithless to the wife of his youth. I looked
up that word “treacherous,” and it means to pillage, to deal
deceitfully. There is so much deceit in marriages today because
there is a lack of straightforward truthfulness and honesty.
Women buy things and hide them from their husbands.
Husbands go out and do things and don’t tell their wives. The
Bible says we are not to deal deceitfully, unfaithfully. We are
not to offend or to depart from each other. Verse 16 says, For
the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and marital
separation. … You see, God hates it.
As I have already said, I realize that there are people who are
in situations where they feel as though God has told them to
get a divorce. My main purpose is not to deal with the issue of
divorce. I do believe there are times when that is the only
answer. As a matter of fact, I think there are times when people
do stay with a mate and it ends up ruining their life and the
lives of their children. I believe there are proper grounds, even
though God hates divorce.
No one should have a loose attitude toward divorce, but we
should do everything we can to avoid it. If you have had a
loose attitude toward marriage and divorce in the past, I
strongly suggest a time of serious repentance of asking God to
forgive you. The attitude may have been the result of a lack of
knowledge, but starting from now with a clean conscience and
a fresh attitude is very important.
Marriage does require that both partners yield to God, but
one may have to put forth more effort in the beginning.
Eventually, there will have to be sacrifices from both people.
There will have to be giving in and change of heart from both
people if their marriage is going to work.
For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and
marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife]
with violence … (v. 16). Now, that’s an interesting thing to me
that the Bible says that a man’s garment is his wife. The Bible
teaches in both Ephesians and I Peter that the wife is the man’s
glory. How the wife appears to other people reflects on the
husband and his headship of the household. When the
husband is good to his wife, it shows and makes him look good
to his community. He is bearing good fruit.
When the husband is good to his wife, it shows and makes him
look good to his community. He is bearing good fruit.
Dave and I have to eat out a lot because of the nature of our
work, and we get tired of eating in the same places. I saw an
advertisement for a restaurant while flipping through a
magazine and I said, “Oh, why don’t you take me to this
restaurant sometime?”
And all of a sudden, he whipped a piece of paper out of his
wallet and said, “Give me the phone number; let me write it
down.” I thought, My goodness, he’s going to do it!
How many times do you tell your marriage mate what you
need? How often does your spouse tell you what he needs? Is
it possible that you just aren’t hearing it? Are you truly paying
attention? You must learn to listen to each other. Do you have
any idea how happy you’ll be if you’ll set yourself to meet that
other person’s needs and quit worrying about getting your
own needs met?
The name of the game throughout the Bible is give, give,
give. The very principle of love is to forget about yourself,
ignore yourself and all your own interests, and get into the
relationship to make the other person happy. Your primary goal
when you enter marriage should be to make that other person
as happy as you can make them. My goal in life is to make
Dave happy, and Dave’s goal ought to be to make me happy.
I’m talking about other than my relationship goals with God.
The next focus after our attention to God ought to be the
goal to make each other happy. But most of the time we are
trying to get them to make us happy. The Bible says if you
give, you will receive.
Jesus came as a servant to those He loved. It’s a new twist
to think, Oh, I’m supposed to make you happy? I thought you
were supposed to make me happy. We have to change our
thinking.
For the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I hate divorce and
marital separation and him who covers his garment [his wife]
with violence. Therefore keep a watch upon your spirit [that
it may be controlled by My Spirit], that you deal not
treacherously and faithlessly [with your marriage mate] (v.
16). That’s pretty interesting, isn’t it? He said to, … Keep a
watch upon your spirit [that it may be controlled by My
Spirit]. … In other words, if we are controlled by the Spirit of
God, we are going to always do what love would do, right?
So we are to keep a watch upon our spirit that it may be
controlled by the Holy Spirit. If we let our flesh control us, we
will deal faithlessly and treacherously with our mate. But if we
will let the Holy Spirit control us, we will be surprised how
many times we set out to do a certain thing then are quickened
by the Holy Spirit to go another way. We must not shut off our
ears to the way of God or we will take a selfish route that will
lead to loneliness instead of union.
It is virtually impossible to have a good marriage and always
get your own way Realizing that has helped me a lot. Learning
to be adaptable, choosing not to make a big deal out of petty
things, and being on my guard against selfish behavior on my
part have all played a big part in bringing me to the point where
I can truly say today: I have a great marriage!
 5
COUNT TO TEN BEFORE YOU
SPEAK
And be constantly renewed in the spirit of your mind
[having a fresh mental and spiritual attitude].
And put on the new nature (the regenerate self) created in
God’s image, [Godlike] in true righteousness and holiness.
Ephesians 4:23,24

Children are sometimes taught to count to ten before they

speak if they can’t think of something nice to say. That’s good
advice, but it won’t help if the old resentment is still inside after
reaching the number ten. As believers, we are to speak life into
situations just as the Lord did, but the old, defensive nature
too often blurts out its selfish viewpoint. Without help from
the Holy Spirit it is difficult to control our tongue. Ephesians
5:18 tells us to be filled and stimulated with the Holy Spirit. To
do this we are to ask the Holy Spirit to give us the power that
we need to build godly marriages and relationships.
In earlier chapters, I pointed out that marriage is more than a
legal institution that binds the property accumulated by two
people to an equal right of ownership. Marriage is a promise of
companionship and provision for the needs between two
people. Marriage is symbolic of God’s promise and provision
to us. Therefore, to keep the promise of marriage, we need to be
full of God’s Spirit. We need to let God empower us with His
faithfulness and selflessness so that we can attend to the
needs of our spouses.
God will fill us with His Own nature. John the Baptist taught
that after we are baptized with water, Jesus would come and
baptize us with the Holy Ghost and with fire. (Matthew 3:6,11.)
As I began studying the Word, I read about this baptism of the
Holy Ghost, and because of my ever-increasing desire to have
more of God in my life, I asked God for this experience.
Jesus said in Acts 1:5-8 that we would receive power, ability,
efficiency, and might when the Holy Spirit comes upon us. This
power would cause us to be a witness to Jesus. The book of
Acts shows several occasions when the disciples had the
power to do what seemed impossible when the Holy Spirit
came upon them. When we believe in Christ, His Spirit comes
to live in us, but the baptism of the Spirit comes upon us to
empower us with the ability to live the Christian life and serve
God according to His will.
Many couples try to have a Christian marriage by following
the laws of God’s Word to generate love, but they need a
“Spirit-filled” marriage where love generates the laws that
operate between them. When we are filled with God’s Spirit, we
have the power and strength to love the way He does.
When we are filled with God’s Spirit, we have the power and
strength to love the way He does.
As I share in my book entitled The Most Important Decision
You’ll Ever Make, I received the baptism of the Holy Spirit in
my car in February 1976, as a sovereign move of the Lord in my
life. I had cried out to God asking for more of Him. I said, “God,
there has to be more to Christianity than I am experiencing.” I
wanted victory over my problems, and I did not have it. I had
been a Christian for many years prior to this time, but my life
was still full of frustration and unhappiness.
That same evening, Jesus baptized me in the Holy Spirit. I
did not speak in tongues right away as the accounts in the
book of Acts mention, primarily because I knew nothing about
such things at that time. It probably would have frightened me
since I had never had teaching on it, but I did receive much
power, ability, determination, and understanding from that
point on. During the next several weeks, God led me to radio
programs and books where I learned more about the baptism in
the Spirit.
Later, I learned that the gift of tongues is given to believers
as a prayer language to communicate with God and to edify
and improve oneself. If teaching about the baptism of the Holy
Spirit is new to you, I encourage you to read the Scripture
references that I added at the end of the book. You can read
about the purpose of tongues in I Corinthians 14:1-4. If you are
struggling with your life, your marriage, and you need power,
ability, strength, and miracles in your life and have never asked
God to baptize you with His Spirit, I encourage you to stop and
pray now. I include information on how to do this in the
appendix of this book.
If you have received your prayer language, then praying in
the Spirit is much more effective than counting to ten before
you speak. But if you will at least ask the Holy Spirit to give
you the right words when expressing your heart to your
spouse, you will see His power begin to make positive changes
in your marriage. He will give you wisdom on how to deal with
the conflicts that threaten your unity, and show you ways to
build up your love for each other.
If any of you is deficient in wisdom, let him ask of the giving
God [Who gives] to everyone liberally and ungrudgingly,
without reproaching or faultfinding, and it will be given to
him.
James 1:5
We don’t have to try to make our marriages successful on
our own. God promises to help us, and we should go to Him on
a daily, even moment-by-moment, basis and ask for help. I did
not know to go to God and I was caught in my old nasty habit
of selfish gratification, even though it wasn’t gratifying. Dave,
who was Spirit-filled, did know to take our struggles to the
Lord, and when I finally received the baptism of the Holy Spirit,
our relationship took a turn toward God’s better plan for us.
Prayer changes us from the inside out. As I spent time with
God, praying in the Holy Spirit, I could hear God speak wisdom
to me concerning our marriage. I learned that a house divided
against itself cannot stand. I had to learn to walk with Dave
and not against him all the time.
As I spent time with God, praying in the Holy Spirit, I could
hear God speak wisdom to me concerning my marriage.
When I became Spirit-filled, I was more vocal about it than
Dave had been, and we were put out of the Protestant church
we attended. We lost almost all our friends who attended there.
When we started listening to charismatic faith teachers, our
previous friends thought we were crazy. God led me to have a
Bible study in my home. That was when I started spending so
many hours a day reading God’s Word.
I had so many personality problems, and after receiving the
baptism in the Holy Spirit, God started confronting me with
truth. Truth always brings freedom from bondage and despair,
but it was a long, hard battle because I was rebellious, full of
fear, and terribly insecure. I acted as if I didn’t, need anybody,
but I knew I did. I acted tough, but I really wasn’t. I had rough
and grumpy mannerisms, and there was a lot to overcome. But
from the minute I started studying, I had a teaching gift. God
just put in me the desire and ability to make His Word clear to
others.
I have always had a strong gift of communication in both
written and oral expressions. Once I was Spirit-filled, I was able
to stop communicating rebellion, fear, and insecurity and
express agreement, love, and confidence. My gift wasn’t worth
much until God changed my nature.

WHO CONTROLS YOUR SPIRIT?

Malachi 2:16 tells us to keep a watch on our spirit and be
controlled by God’s Spirit. We cannot expect a thing to work
right if we are not going to listen to God. If we do not listen to
God, we are not going to have a good marriage. It’s pretty
straightforward and simple, isn’t it? But, if we will listen to God,
we will have a great marriage. Therefore be controlled by God’s
Spirit. Now, let’s read verse 17 of Malachi 2:
You have wearied the Lord with your words. Yet you say, In
what way have we wearied Him? …
God will tell us, and tell us, and tell us, and tell us what we
are doing wrong, then we’ll go back to Him and ask, “Well,
what am I doing wrong?” In answer to our question of how we
have wearied Him, God says, … [You do it when by your
actions] you say, Everyone who does evil is good in the sight
of the Lord and he delights in them. Or [by asking], Where is
the God of justice? (v. 17). We weary the Lord with our words
and the way we act.
In other words, He’s saying, “It wearies Me when by your
actions you act as if what you are doing is all right when My
Word has already told you that it’s not all right.” That wearies
the Lord and He gets tired of it.
When we tell our children what to do, it really makes us
happy if they just go do it. If they happily obey, we want to
bless them. But if they are rebellious and continue on their own
way acting as though everything is OK even though we told
them not to do what they are doing, we get tired of that, too.
Some people’s perception of God is that He is perfect;
therefore, He can’t be tired. Yet He says that we have wearied
Him with our words. Imagine that if we weary our patient and
loving God with the things we say, how much more are we
wearing out each other? God wants spouses to serve each
other, to be a light in a dark world where the divorce rate is
incredibly high, to be a light set on a hill and to nurture a
marriage that can literally be an example to other people of
God’s love.
I believe that Dave and I have a marriage that is an example
of God’s love between two people without us ever standing up
and telling others that we have a good relationship. People
who watch us can tell that we love each other. When couples
get involved in our ministry, it doesn’t take long to tell if
they’re putting it on or if they really love each other. You can’t
hide true love. It doesn’t take long to see if somebody’s selfish
and self-centered, or if they’re really pouring out love.
If we love people, it will show as an expressive outpouring of
who we are. When we are “in Christ,” our actions will
demonstrate love. When we are “in ourselves,” our actions will
demonstrate greed and self-preservation. The words, “I love
you,” can be expressed to someone whether you are in Christ
or outside of Him, but there will be a vast difference in the
impact and power of those words if you are not in Christ. True
love cannot be felt or expressed without Christ present in the
heart that both gives and receives affection.
The words, “I love you,” can be expressed whether you are in
Christ or outside of Him, but there will be a vast difference in
the impact and power.
Yes, it is in giving that we receive, and Christ even gives us
the love that we need to give to others. If we want love to fully
bloom and bring its manifold blessings to our homes, we must
submit ourselves to the work of the Holy Spirit on a daily basis.
Ephesians, chapter 5, supports that women are to be equally
good to their husbands, as husbands are taught in Malachi to
be faithful to their wives. Verse 21 begins, Be subject to one
another out of reverence for Christ (the Messiah, the Anointed
One). We are to subject ourselves to each other out of respect
for Christ. Verse 22 says, Wives, be subject (be submissive and
adapt yourselves) to your own husbands as [a service] to the
Lord. All the men in the room say “amen” when I teach this to
couples at weekend advances. They hear what they have been
trying to get us to hear from the beginning. Adapt! Submit!
But, you see, this “submitting and adapting thing” is two-
sided. It is so clear to me. It’s been several years since Dave
asked me to sit down and listen to the revelation he had
received out of Ephesians. Sometimes when one person gets
understanding on a particular subject, no matter how much
they tell it to somebody else, the next person doesn’t get it.
And, when Dave first told me what I am about to share with
you, he was all excited about what God had shown him, but I
didn’t quite get what he was seeing. I just nodded my head and
looked at him with a blank expression on my face.
But now I understand what he was so excited about. Dave
said, “This is it! The perfect union in marriage is for a man to
love his wife as Christ loved the church.” We are not talking
about a man loving his wife like the guy next door loves his
wife. We are talking about a man loving his wife as Christ loved
the church. Obviously it will take some time to expound on that
fully, but one thing I have learned is that a man loving his wife
as Christ loved the church does not mean that she gets her
way about everything. I believe Dave’s revelation was hard for
me to grasp the day he shared it because I was still stubbornly
wanting my way all the time. I thought if Dave really loved me,
he would want to make me happy. Obviously, I was so caught
up in thinking about myself that it never occurred to me to
make him happy by letting him have his way. I don’t know who
I thought was supposed to make him happy, but I certainly
wasn’t considering that it should have been me.
A woman’s response to proper loving care and nurturing
should be, then, to submit and adapt to her husband as the
church would to the Lord. This is the other major point of
Ephesians — a woman is to respect and reverence her
husband. This does not mean that she behaves as a vegetable
never having an opinion, or being afraid to voice it if she does.
Marriage is a partnership, but ultimately someone has to make
a final decision when two people don’t agree. On relatively
unimportant things Dave and I sort of take turns. On major
ones the final call is his.
When a man loves his wife as Christ loved the church, and the
wife submits to her husband and respects him, both doing
their part, a glorious relationship will result.
The man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church, and
the woman is to submit to her husband and respect him. If both
parties will do their part, a glorious relationship will result.
Sometimes one of the spouses is not willing to do their part.
Then a standoff begins. The argument begins, “Well, I won’t if
you don’t,” and, “I’m not going to if you don’t,” so we have a
big mess.
Somebody needs to start somewhere, and though I hope
that both partners are going to be willing to start and do
exactly what God says, I want to encourage you to go ahead
and be first. But even if it seems that one of you is more willing
than the other one, continue doing what is right as a service to
the Lord. Love has to start somewhere. If what you are doing
now is not working, then you have nothing to lose. Everything
will stay the same until someone makes a change. If you want
to see what God can do then, wives, be submissive and adapt
yourselves to your own husbands as a service to the Lord.
There is probably no one better qualified than I am to try to
teach women how to submit and adapt because I was the least
likely person to ever want to adapt to anything or anyone. I
wanted everything and everybody to adapt to me. And when I
first began to read in the Bible that a wife was to adapt to her
own husband, it gave me the creeps! Just the thought of
adapting made me uncomfortable.
It is amazing how miserable we can make ourselves because
we will not adapt to some simple little thing that somebody’s
asking us to do. But because of pride and rebellion, we are
determined to stand our ground and have life our way. Before
long we are miserable and so is everyone who knows us. I
mentioned that for three years I fought with Dave over his golf.
We fought, and fought, and fought, and fought. I was
determined that he was not going to play. And he was
determined that he was. But as I began to let the Lord work
with me, Dave and I reached the place of peace and agreement,
which release joy.
You have made known to me the ways of life; You will
enrapture Me [diffusing my soul with joy] with and in Your
presence.
Acts 2:28
The great standoff between two people is inevitable unless
the Lord intervenes and fills their hearts with love. Dave and I
fought and fought, but we also prayed and prayed. Keep
reading to see who won this battle.
 6
MAYBE SOME OF IT WAS MY
FAULT
Now to Him Who is able to keep you without stumbling or
slipping or falling, and to present [you] unblemished
(blameless and faultless) before the presence of His glory in
triumphant joy and exultation [with unspeakable, ecstatic
delight].
Jude 24

When two people spend quality time together, they begin to

see life the same way. But when two people stand back to back,
facing opposite directions, they have little chance of sharing a
common viewpoint. When those same two people are
determined, but she is determined that he’s not going
somewhere, and he is determined that he is, they have a
problem. I will share more about healthy confrontations later in
this book, but first I want to point out the difference that
spending time with each other can make in a relationship.
I made myself miserable for those three years that I stayed
mad at Dave for playing golf. I made him miserable because I
refused to adapt to his love for the game. Of course, I made our
children miserable, too, because they saw me argue with their
dad over it. It unsettles a child when they see their parents
fight because many times, they think it’s their fault. It produces
all kinds of insecurity and fear in children when their parents
fight all the time and of course it didn’t build a healthy
relationship between Dave and me.
With three little kids running around at our feet, Dave and I
continued to fight over golf. I was frequently mad and pouted
all the time. Dave was not going to quit, and I was determined
that he was. The more I nagged, the more he played.
Dave said if you want to be a good golfer, then you have to
practice all the time. So he played golf, and he practiced during
the week, too. I was home with the kids all day by myself, while
several times a week Dave would come home, have dinner, then
get out the golf clubs and go to the driving range to hit golf
balls. I couldn’t understand why he insisted on doing this, nor
was I willing to believe there was a valid explanation for such
desire. None of it made any sense to me.
The Lord is able to keep us from stumbling, slipping, or
falling even though we are sometimes determined to race
towards a head-on collision with our blemished plan for life. I
believe that prayers intervened and spared us from the
tragedies that would have resulted if I had continued down my
destructive path of anger and resentment.
When I began to see the Scriptures in the Bible that a
woman should adapt to her husband, I thought, I’d die first. I
just can’t do it. Have you ever had such rebellion in your flesh
that you honestly thought if you had to give in, you would
shrivel and die? I felt that it would kill me if I had to humble
myself and do what Dave wanted me to do.
I liked finding Scriptures in the Bible that Dave was
supposed to listen to. The Word says in I Peter 3:7 (NASB), You
husbands likewise, live with your wives in an understanding
way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant
her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your
prayers may not be hindered. I was convinced that Dave
needed to understand how difficult it was for me to be home
with the kids all day long, day in and day out. After all, he was
out with adults, normal people, who don’t slobber and make
strange faces at you. Like other women at home with their
young children, I longed to get out and talk to “grown-ups.”

JUST ME AND YOU

TOGETHER
It is important for couples to do things together. Spending
time with each other increases understanding of each other’s
viewpoint and needs. At this time in our marriage, I was so
hard to get along with that Dave probably went to play golf a
lot more than he would have, just to get away from me. The
Bible says that a quarrelsome, nagging wife annoys like
constant dripping on a rainy day (Proverbs 19:13 NIV, TLB;
Proverbs 27:15 NIV.) Poor Dave!
It is important for couples to do things together.
Because I really didn’t believe that anybody could love me, I
wanted Dave to dote on me all the time to make me feel secure.
I wanted him to want to be with me rather than want to be on
the golf course. I wanted him to fuss over me all the time.
Everything was about me and my desperate plight to nurture
that root of rejection in my life. I needed constant “fixing.” I
didn’t want to lose control of what made me feel secure, so I
tried throwing fits to get him to stay home.
Dave always invited me to go with him. The issue wasn’t
that he was taking off without me. He would invite me to go,
but I was too bullheaded to do it. I didn’t want to play golf;
and I didn’t think that he ought to either, so I was not giving
in. At least two or three times a week I was mad over golf to the
point that I hated it.
Finally, one afternoon I went to the driving range to find him.
I don’t even remember how I got there now, maybe we had two
cars by then, or maybe he went out with somebody else. I was
pouting in my dark little corner of the apartment, crying and
unhappy with our three kids, and he was at the driving range
having a good time in the sunshine. Somehow, by the mercy of
God, I was given the grace to swallow my pride. I put those
three kids in the car and drove out to that driving range. I took
them out of the car, walked up to Dave, and lined up the kids
behind his tee box. He was leaning over, placing his golf ball
on the tee when he looked up at me and said, “What
happened? Did the house burn down?”
Looking at his surprised face I said, “No, I just give up. Here
I am. Teach me to play golf.”

SURRENDER MEANS TO “GIVE UP”

I just gave up. God’s grace brought me to a place where I
realized that I wasn’t going to change Dave. We were having
such trouble over this golf that it had to have been an act of
grace for God to give me a desire to play golf with Dave. The
whole issue could have easily caused us some serious, serious
problems.
 Dave taught me the fundamentals for three months before I
ever went out to play a game of golf. I eventually learned to
play well. But the first time we went out to play on a nine-hole
golf course, I was on the first tee box, and there were a lot of
men standing around waiting for their turn to tee off.
I swung and missed the ball thirteen times in a row on that
first tee because I was nervous. Seeing that I was embarrassed,
Dave came up to me and gently said, “Take your time, take
your time.” Under my breath I threatened, “If I miss this ball
again, I’m picking it up and throwing it down!” then I dribbled
it off the tee, and thus began my golf career.
We’ve enjoyed many years of golf together. If I hadn’t been
willing to do what God said to do and go play golf with Dave, I
would have missed out on the fun that they both had planned
for me. When you play golf, you can’t think about anything
else but your stance, grip, and focus. The clearer your head,
the better your swing. It is a nice break from the busyness of
our daily life.
If I hadn’t been willing to do what God said to do, I would
have missed out on the fun that God and Dave had planned
for me.
I had to surrender my old thinking to try out Dave’s way of
relaxation. I had to surrender my fears of being unloved, to join
the love of my life in a game that we could both enjoy. I had to
lay aside my stubbornness and rebellion against God’s Word
in order to receive the joy of His presence. But with God it is
possible to break loose from our old nature and become a new
creation.
Having great relationships and a terrific marriage is possible.
It is simply a matter of surrender and letting God lead us to the
pleasant plan He has in mind for us. I couldn’t have my own
way and God’s way, too.
When I studied the Word, after I was Spirit-filled, I well
remember the first confrontation I had with the Holy Ghost. I
was praying one day for Dave to change, and God actually
spoke to me saying, “Dave is not the problem.”
I couldn’t believe it! I had a list of things that would be
better if Dave would do “this” and our kids would do “that.” I
was unhappy and hard to get along with because they weren’t
treating me right. Isn’t that the way most people think? Almost
everyone blames their bad behavior, their past, and their lack of
money on someone else.
When God said, “Dave is not the problem,” it was as if my
eyes were opened and I could finally see what it was like to live
with me. I saw that I was a nag, critical, and hard to get along
with. I cried for three days.

DYING TO SELF
I felt as though nobody loved me and couldn’t understand
why After all, hadn’t I done all the things a good Christian was
supposed to do? Didn’t I study the Word and teach others
God’s way? Now even God seemed to be on Dave’s side
instead of mine.
James 1:26 and 27 are two foundational Scriptures for
anyone who feels their life and ministry are worthless, futile,
and barren. There might be a valid reason for those feelings
and these Scriptures give us a hint of what might be wrong in
our lives. Read the verses carefully:
 If anyone thinks himself to be religious (piously
observant of the external duties of his faith) and does not
bridle his tongue but deludes his own heart, this person’s
religious service is worthless (futile, barren).
External religious worship [religion as it is expressed in
outward acts] that is pure and unblemished in the sight
of God the Father is this: to visit and help and care for
the orphans and widows in their affliction and need, and
to keep oneself unspotted and uncontaminated from the
world.
Now that’s a pretty strong statement. It’s saying, if we think
we are religious and are attending to all these outward duties of
our faith, but we are not bridling our tongue, then all of our
efforts are useless and worthless. First Corinthians, 13 says
that if we don’t have a strong love walk, we can speak in
tongues all day long and all we are doing is making noise! We
can have so much faith that we can move mountains, but we
are nothing if we don’t really love people.
We are nothing if we don’t really love people.
God said another thing that makes our religious service
worthless is if we don’t bridle our tongue. He didn’t say He
would do it all for us. We have to use self-control concerning
the things we say.
I remember how God taught me the lesson that I do have
control over my words. I used to have “fits,” just all-out temper
tantrums, and unleash my unhappiness on my kids. I’d get mad
at Dave, then I’d rant and rave at my kids all day. I didn’t like
the mess their toys made, so I would yell at them to go clean
up. I’d clean the house; they’d make another mess, and I’d go
into another fit.
One day I was performing one of my expected fits, yelling,
“Pick this stuff up! All I ever do is clean this place and you
guys mess it up all the time! You act like I’m your slave around
here.”
Of course, after the kids were crying and everybody had a fit
of their own, I felt guilty for the atmosphere I had inspired.
Don’t be fooled, the same devil who leads you into temptation
is the same one who’ll come around and condemn you for the
temptation he led you into. So then I would confess, “Oh, God,
I’m so sorry, but I just can’t help it! I don’t want to act like that,
but I just lose my temper. I just can’t help it, God!”
I had a vision of something God showed me. He said,
“Joyce, if your pastor pulled up while you were in the middle of
one of those fits, by the time he rang the doorbell you’d get
over it.” He said, “You would exercise perfect self-control in his
presence.” You would open the door and you would say,
“Well, Pastor, praise the Lord! It’s so good to see you. Oh, the
children. Oh, well, the little darlings, they’re playing in their
room, the little dears. Yes, come in, praise the Lord.” That truth
taught me a major lesson.
When we are around people that we want to impress, or that
we don’t want to think badly of us, it is amazing how well we
can behave. When we want people to “love us” we
demonstrate plenty of “self-control” so that they see the
lovable side of us. If our focus were to love others, we would
also demonstrate self-control over what we do and say so that
we wouldn’t hurt the people we love.
Verse 27 of James I is saying that our worship and faith in
Christ are to have some outward expression that others can
see. It’s called good works, but these good works must be
done with a right motive. If good things are done with a wrong
motive, then God doesn’t call them good works. He calls them
“works of the flesh,” which stink in His nostrils. James explains
that worship that is expressed in outward acts should be pure
and unblemished in the sight of God the Father. Examples are
to visit, help, and care for the orphans and the widows in their
affliction and to keep oneself unspotted and uncontaminated
from the world. This is acceptable worship in the eyes of God.
So, if you want your religion to be real, you must have three
outward expressions of your faith:
• you must bridle your mouth
• you must help hurting people
• you must live a holy life
If you focus on these three things, you will bless yourself,
your spouse, your family, and your friends. You will see the
blessing of God poured out into your relationships. Happiness
will abound, and success will follow all that you do. God’s
ways are simple and true. Obedience to His instruction leads to
what I call radical and outrageous blessings. Don’t spin your
wheels trying to bless yourself. Simply obey God’s principles,
and God will bless you.

HOW TO LIVE A HOLY LIFE

Holy living begins with getting rid of selfishness in your life.
The paradox of happiness is that it comes when you forget
about yourself and live to help somebody else. I found out that
you can’t be happy if you have yourself on your mind all the
time. I spent so many years as an unhappy Christian. If we
don’t have righteousness, peace, and joy, then we have missed
the kingdom.
Obedience to God’s instruction leads to radical and
outrageous blessings.
Prosperity, healing, success, and promotions on our jobs are
all kingdom benefits that God wants us to have. He shows us
in the Bible how to get them, but those benefits are not the
kingdom. The kingdom of God is not meat and drink, the Bible
says, it is … righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy
Ghost (Romans 14:17 KJV). We are to seek first the kingdom of
God and His righteousness and all these things will be added
to us. (Matthew 6:33.)
So our priorities need to stay in line with God’s Word. We
have to do things in God’s order. And God gets weary of
people who only seek His hand and never seek His face. We
need to go to God not for what He can do for us, but for Who
He is and because we need Him to survive every day. I have no
joy, peace, nor righteousness apart from Jesus.
The kingdom of God is the realm within us. It is learning a
response to daily life that differs from how the world responds,
and we need to pay more attention to this inner life we have
available to us through Christ. We get too concerned with
what everybody thinks of us. We are too concerned with how
we look, what we own, what kind of car we drive, whether we
have a title that we can put on our door at our office, what kind
of seat we get in the church, and what our position is in the
church. We need to be much more concerned with what kinds
of thoughts we have.
If you are unhappy, examine yourself and ask,
• “What’s going on in me that’s not pleasing to God?
 • What attitudes do I have that stink in the nostrils of
God?
• Am I jealous, bitter, or resentful?
• How many people am I offended with?
• How many people do I have unforgiveness against?
• How many people do I hate?
• How many people am I jealous of?”
Your unhappiness probably has nothing to do with your
spouse. Discontent is most likely a result of your outlook on
life.
It’s not your circumstances that make you unhappy; it’s not
having things right on the inside of your heart.
If your heart is not full of righteousness, peace, and joy in
the Holy Ghost, happiness won’t be found anywhere, through
anyone. It’s not your circumstances that make you unhappy;
it’s not having things right on the inside of your heart.
Jesus said we can have peace in the midst of the storm.
(Matthew 8:26.) When Peter said we can have joy unspeakable
and full of glory (1 Peter 1:8 KJV) he was in the midst of
persecution from Nero’s reign in Rome. Paul repeatedly spoke
of his joy saying in all his troubles his joy knew no bounds. (2
Corinthians 7:4.)
As Bible teacher Jerry Savelle says, “If the devil can’t steal
your joy, he can’t steal your goods.” He can only ask you for
it, and only you can give it up. I have lived the unhappy, the
selfish, the self-centered, the carnal life, seeking God for what
He could do for me, wanting my ministry to grow, trying to get
this, trying to get that, trying to keep up with everybody else. I
had a new project every week, and it was some kind of a faith
project to get something else I wanted. And I finally became so
fed up with being an unhappy Christian, I thought, Dear God, I
did not become a Christian so I could trade in my worldly
misery for a Christian misery. Something is wrong.
If you relate to those feelings, I must tell you there’s no such
thing as a drive-through breakthrough. There are no drive-
through victories with God. The only way you will see changes
is to learn what God’s Word says and, whether you feel like it
or not, start doing what it says consistently day, after day,
after day, after day, after day Improvements to your present
conditions come from getting alone with God, confronting the
devil yourself, and gaining victories that no devil in hell can
take away from you. Truly enjoying the life God has planned
for you requires maturity and self-control. You must know who
you are in Christ and seek peace and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Out of my selfish, self-centered lifestyle, I began to cry out
to God, “What is wrong?” God showed me many things. First, I
was seeking God’s hand and not His face. I needed to seek
God’s presence, not just what He could do for me. Then He
showed me how selfish I was. The verses in James say that we
have to help somebody or our religion is not pure.
The truth changed my heart. Now I just want to help people.
It’s the only reason I write, travel, and speak. I don’t do things
to impress people; I just want to please God. He keeps making
our ministry bigger and bigger, but we are not trying to do
things to be “big.” I’m writing this book to help people.
The Lord has done such a work in my heart! I’m going to do
what God has called me to do as long as I can breathe and find
more people to help. If we can forget about our little aches and
pains, our little personal trials and tribulations; if we can get
ourselves off of our own minds and go find somebody else to
help, our lives are going to get better. This is a marvelous
discovery.
I can be in a position where something is going on in my life
and I do not have the ability to help myself. But at the same
time when I cannot help myself, God will anoint me to help
others. You will find it true for yourself, too. When you can’t
deliver yourself, and you can’t encourage yourself, you can
still go encourage somebody else. Sometimes when you can’t
believe God for the mess you are in, you can encourage
somebody else to believe God. And as you share with them,
you encourage yourself to believe God.
You find it easy to encourage the downhearted by saying,
“Now don’t get depressed — don’t get discouraged.” Why
does God make us like that? He has created us to give out of
ourselves to other people. As we do, we are sowing seeds that
we need to grow so God can bring a harvest in our own lives.
As you help someone else, God will help you. Always
remember that what you make happen for someone else, God
will make happen for you.
Do we have any idea what would happen if everybody
prayed every day, “God, show me somebody today that I can
help”? We are missing out on joy. If we walked in this love on
a daily basis, we wouldn’t be fighting off grief and depression.
Our love for others would shield us from the darts the enemy
tries to inflict on us.
I learned all about spiritual warfare, but I still didn’t have
authority over the devil’s fiery darts and I didn’t understand
what was wrong with me. I went to the seminars, bought the
tapes, and screamed at the devil until I didn’t have a voice left.
I fasted until I almost died, prayed with groups of people, yet
was left without victory. What was wrong?
 I had a method but no power flowing through that method.
You can have all kinds of methods, but they can become
empty, dead works that wear you out and get you burned out
with Christianity. People wear out because they think, I have to
say my confessions; I have to do this and I have to do that,
and I have to yell at the devil … They do all these things
without a personal relationship with Jesus. Jesus didn’t come
to teach us about rules, regulations, and methods; He came to
teach us how to have a personal relationship with Almighty
God and then with others.
When asked which was the greatest commandment and law,
Jesus replied:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and
with all your soul and with all your mind (intellect).
This is the great (most important, principal) and first
commandment.
And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as
[you do] yourself.
Matthew 22:37-40
In Matthew 7:12 Jesus said, Whatever you desire that others
would do to and for you, even so do also to and for them, for
this (sums up) the Law and the Prophets.
So, to experience God and His plan for our lives, we are to
look for the needs of others and do what we can to serve them.
Our religion is not pure if it is polluted with “self.” Our self-
centeredness keeps us from noticing what other people are
going through. We must get our needs, wants, and desires out
of the way.
The Bible says plainly to delight in the Lord, and He will give
you the desires of your heart. We don’t have to chase our
desires away, just our selfishness. Psalm 37:4,5 tells us that
when we delight in the Lord, He gives us the desires and secret
petitions of our hearts. When we commit our way to Him,
repose the care of our load on Him — trust, lean and rely on
Him with confidence in Him — He will bring to pass the desires
of our hearts.
The Bible says to delight in the Lord, and He will give you the
desires of your heart. We don’t have to chase our desires
away, just our selfishness.

HOW TO BE RID OF STRIFE

James 4:1 asks the question, What leads to strife (discord
and feuds) and how do conflicts (quarrels and fightings)
originate among you? Do they not arise from your sensual
desires that are ever warring in your bodily members? Verse 2
answers the question with, You are jealous and covet [what
others have] and your desires go unfulfilled. …
What leads to strife? Jealousy and unfulfilled desires lead to
strife. Churches, businesses, schools, and marriages are full of
strife; brothers and sisters can’t get along, and on and on.
When I came across the Scripture above, I had a great deal of
strife in my life. James 4 explains that conflicts and quarrels and
fights start because our sensual desires are ever warring in our
bodily members.
Strife gets started because of all the stuff that we want that
we don’t know how to get. And so we are struggling to make
all these things happen. I struggled in trying to change myself,
my husband, and my kids. I struggled with trying to get healed,
to become more prosperous, and to get my ministry to grow. I
was working on various “faith” projects all the time that I had
started. I’d make all my plans then expect God to bless them.
Jesus is the Author and the Finisher of our faith, but He’s
not obligated to finish anything He did not author. God said if
we delight in Him, He would take care of all the desires and
secret petitions of our heart.
James 4:2 continues explaining the consequence of our
actions when we are jealous of what others have: … [So] you
become murderers. [To hate is to murder as far as your hearts
are concerned.] You burn with envy and anger and are not
able to obtain [the gratification, the contentment, and the
happiness that you seek], so you fight and war. …
And then, this next simple statement from God’s Word
changed my life about twenty years ago. The rest of verse 2
says, … You do not have, because you do not ask.
But then verse 3 says, [Or] you do ask [God for them] and
yet fail to receive, because you ask with wrong purpose and
evil, selfish motives. Your intention is [when you get what you
desire] to spend it in sensual pleasures.
So here are the reasons why we don’t get the things we
want: First of all, we are trying to do it ourselves instead of
asking God and the result is strife in our life. Secondly, we do
ask God for it, but our motive is wrong. He can’t reward our
wrong motives. There is a purification process that has to go
on in our life.
I was trying to get all this “stuff” and make certain things
happen, but I was leaving God out of the loop. All I needed to
do was ask God for what I wanted, and if it was right for me, He
would give it to me in His way and in His time. If it wasn’t right,
and I was smart, then I had better hope He wouldn’t give it to
me anyway. I finally found out, either God is going to get His
way, or I’m going to be one miserable lady. I can save you
years of agony, so listen to “Mama Joyce.” If you want to have
a nice life, you had better pray on a regular basis: “God, help
me to stay in Your will. I don’t want anything that You don’t
want me to have. If it’s not You, God, slam the door in my
face.”
I love what David prayed in Psalm 26:2, Examine me, oh
Lord, and prove me; test my heart and my mind. What would
happen if we started praying that way every day? “Test me,
God, prove me. Look me over, God; examine me. And if there’s
anything wicked in me, I want to know it.” We don’t need to be
afraid to walk in the light of God’s truth. Light exposes every
bug and every rat in the room, and when you turn the light on,
they all start running for some corner to hide in. That’s exactly
what happens when the light of God’s Word is shed on us. All
the little bugs and rats like to start running away until the light
goes out again.
James 1:2,3 tells us to be exceedingly joyful when we fall into
all kinds of diverse temptations and tests, knowing the trying
of our faith works patience. But, before trials brought patience
out of me, a lot of other junk came out first such as fits of
anger, jealously, resentment, and my bad temper. At first I
thought the Word wasn’t working, but that’s how the Refiner’s
fire works. When you apply heat, the impurities rise to the top
first.
We don’t know what’s in us until we are tested. We don’t
know what kind of faith we have until it’s tested. We don’t
know what kind of endurance, steadfastness, or faithfulness
we have until it’s been tried. We don’t know anything about
being faithful to our spouse until that spouse is failing to do a
few things we want them to do.
 Most people try to run away from life when it gets hard. If
God puts us around something hard, it’s for our benefit and
our good so that we can build spiritual muscles by applying
our faith in trusting Him. Many people leave a church if they
don’t like it. If they don’t like a job, they leave. If they don’t
like a neighbor, they move. If they don’t like a friend, if they
don’t like their husband, they get another one. If they don’t
like that one, they get another one and another one.
I thought every problem I had was Dave’s fault. I thought, If
he’d quit doing this and that and something else, then I’d be
happy. Or, If I didn’t have to work, I’d be happy. When I quit
working and got bored, I thought, If I could work I’d be happy.
If I could go out there and be with adults all day, instead of
with all these kids, then I would be happy.
One day, Dave said, “Look, you wanted to quit working, and
we let you quit working. It hurt us financially, but you quit
working. Now you are not happy because you are not working.
If you want to work, go back to work, but then you won’t be
happy, You’ll want to quit working.”
He continued, “Joyce, I have done everything I know to
make you happy. I give up. I don’t know how to make you
happy. Guess what — I’m tired of trying.” And then he sadly
concluded, “You just about have me to the point where I can’t
stand you.”
Now, thank God, that’s been more than twenty-five years
ago since I first realized that I had myself on my own mind too
much. But even now I have to maintain the freedom I have
gained by standing against selfish, self-centeredness,
remembering to be adaptable, not to make mountains out of
molehills, and countless other things. Meditate for a moment
on how many marriages would be saved if people were not
selfish. Perhaps you know one right now that is bordering on
disaster, and the root cause is nothing other than selfishness.
If so, why not give them a copy of this book and pray it will
have an impact on their life. If the person you know is you,
then you’re in good shape because you have the answer in
your hand that you have been looking for — a book filled with
godly principles that will show you the way to happiness and
fulfillment.
 7
MAY I CHOP THAT FRUIT FOR
YOU?
And the harvest of righteousness (of conformity to God’s
will in thought and deed) is [the fruit of the seed] sown in
peace by those who work for and make peace [in
themselves and in others, that peace which means concord,
agreement, and harmony between individuals, with
undisturbedness, in a peaceful mind free from fears and
agitating passions and moral conflicts].
James 3:18

God’s goal for our relationships with others is peace. From

the Scripture above we learn that harmony with others results
from conforming to God’s will for us. God knows the healing
power of a loving act, and He calls us to minister peace in our
homes before He calls us to minister outside of our homes.
When I get up in the morning, sometimes God tells me to do
things for Dave that I don’t want to do. For example, Dave likes
to eat fruit salads. He likes everything all cut up in a bowl. I
don’t mind taking him an apple, an orange, and a banana, but
he wants it all cut up. Then he wants his vitamins and his
orange juice and his coffee.
A few years ago we started having a housekeeper come in
during the week. She takes care of Dave’s fruit salad, vitamins,
orange juice, and coffee and she’s great, but one day, when it
was a holiday, I went downstairs to make coffee in the morning
and I was not in the humor to do anything but get my coffee
and go back to my room. I wanted to pray and be with God.
God’s goal for our relationships with others is peace.
That’s our problem — we are so spiritual that we just want
to “be with God” but don’t want to do anything Jesus tells us
to do. He said that we need to serve each other. That particular
holiday morning, the Holy Ghost started putting it in my heart
to make that fruit salad for Dave. I got a banana and stuck it on
the tray. The Holy Ghost said, “Fruit salad.”
I didn’t want to make the fruit salad. I really didn’t want to
make it. I even said, “I don’t want to — I want to go pray.”
Then the Lord said to me, “Joyce, serving Dave is serving
Me.”
So I made the fruit salad.
And the harvest of righteousness (of conformity to God’s
will in thought and deed) is [the fruit of the seed] sown in
peace by those who work for and make peace [in themselves
and in others … (James 3:18). Peace is something that we sow
and then work for in ourselves and in others. The reward is
harmony, agreement, and a peaceful mind free from fears,
agitating passions, and moral conflicts. Suddenly, in light of
God’s Word, making fruit salad for Dave was more than an act
of conforming to God’s will; it was seed that brought peace
and joy in my life.
My initial bad attitude reflects the heart of many Christians
who will do something in the church for somebody else as their
“ministry,” but if they do that same thing for someone in their
family, they think they’re being turned into a slave. But if
ministry doesn’t work at home, it’s not working.
If I’m willing to do something in the church as “my ministry,”
but won’t do it at home, then I have to question myself and
find out what is making the difference. Many times at church
someone is usually kind enough to tell me how wonderful I was
for what I did. They clap and cheer and pat me on the back,
when if I do the same thing at home, I may not even get
thanked.
How much quicker are we to do something if there’s a little
something in it for us — a little recognition, a little bit of
money, a little bit of promotion, a little bit of favor? I read a
statement in a book about love that tore my life up. The author
said, “If you want to measure your love life, watch and see how
you treat people that can do you no earthly good. If your
actions are not coming out of a right heart — if you are doing it
to be seen — you have lost your reward. If you are doing it to
be well thought of, you have lost your reward.” He said, “Do
good works in secret; do them to honor God, not to get
something for yourself.”
God anoints us so we can do something to make somebody
else’s life better. True happiness is found in the joy you feel
after ministering to your spouse and family Soon, you will want
to find other hurting people with whom you can share your
gifts, but in most homes today there are enough hurting people
in our living rooms who desperately need us.
One morning several years ago on a Sunday, lying in bed
next to Dave, I woke up and started thinking about how I could
talk him out of watching the football game that day. (The devil
likes to get in your brain before you are fully awake.) There I
was, lying there having just woken up, planning how I could
get Dave to do what I wanted. Mind you, I didn’t care that he
had worked all week and really liked to watch the game on
Sunday. I had only myself on my mind: I have been stuck here
with these kids all week, and Dave needs to do something with
me to give me a break.
Most of us think about what we need, and seldom consider
what others around us may need. Many couples are getting
divorces because one or both of them feel as though the other
person never thinks about his or her own needs. But if that
same individual were thinking about the needs of their spouse,
the way they wish their spouse was thinking of them, they
would be sowing seeds that God could return in a harvest to
satisfy their own needs. Why is it easier to wait for others to
do the right things first before we will do likewise?

LEAD THE WAY IN LOVE

So on this particular morning, as I was lying in bed thinking
about how I could get Dave to take me out to eat and get the
kids to clean the house, the Holy Ghost spoke to me. He said:
“Joyce, sometimes you remind me of a little robot. You get
up in the morning, and you stand by your bed, and the devil
runs up to you and winds you up real tight as though you
have a little metal winder on your back.” I could see how I
looked to the Lord as He said, “This is the way you look to me
all day — you walk around like a robot, saying over and over in
a voice that sounds like a robot’s, ‘What about me? What
about me? What about me? BEEP ! BEEP ! What about me? What
about me …?’”
 Make a choice to quit trying to preserve yourself; just give
yourself away. Just say:
God, here I am. You do what You want with me. Show me
where You want me to serve.
I am fed up with thinking about myself, talking about
myself, trying to provide for myself, worrying over what
everybody thinks of me, what they’re saying about me,
why they’re not doing what I want them to do for me, and
why they’re not getting me gifts.
I don’t want to think about myself — about what’s right
with me, about what’s wrong with me — I just want to get
myself off my mind. God, if I’m going to change, You will
have to change me. If I’m going to have anything, You
will have to give it to me.
All I know is that I’m going to give my life from this point
on to make somebody else happy, and if You can’t make
me happy, I’ll stay miserable all my life. But I am finished
with trying to do it myself.
Happiness is found in living a “giving lifestyle.” Happiness
is found in giving things away. Give away compliments to
people who don’t have any to give back to you. Give away
time to people who need help. Give away love to people who
have never learned to express love themselves, and especially
give these things to your own family, too. Carry “seed” in your
pocket all the time, and look for opportunities to bring peace
where there is chaos, harmony where there is dissension, and
agreement where there is contention. Make a decision to be a
radical blessing to your spouse, family, and world of influence.
Be a radical blessing to your spouse, family and world of
influence.
Pray:
Lord, anoint my heart right now and break the yokes of
bondage that keep me from serving others.
Help me to see that happiness will come by pouring
myself out to others — not through dribbling out a few
little blessings every now and then — but by pouring
myself out.
Fill my mind with ways that I can be a blessing to the
ones I love and the ones who need love.
I will not allow laziness to stand in my way of loving
someone.

BUT WHAT IF IT IS THEIR FAULT?

Sometimes, the problems in your marriage may really be the
fault of your spouse. You can be doing everything right and
still face grief and disappointment. But, if you continue to do
what is right, even if your spouse is not responding,
righteousness will cultivate a harvest of blessing, and God will
honor your obedience. So don’t give up.
Many men and women enter marriage with serious
insecurities that challenge their relationships. Having firsthand
experience with these issues, I want to discuss how low self-
esteem affects a marriage and how to live with an insecure
person.
A pastor once came to me at a conference and said, “I don’t
know if you feel led to or not, but I feel it would help women if
they would understand that some men have been abused, too.
In many instances men have been taught that they are not
supposed to cry or show emotions. How a man is raised and
what happens to him in the first few years of his life can greatly
affect his marriage relationship.”
Of course, I had experienced this myself for years. Many
times we try to deal with bad behavior without ever getting
down to the real root of what the problem is. Jesus said, “I will
restore your soul.” Only the Word of God has the power to get
on the inside of us and change us; it’s not our behavior so
much that needs to be changed. It’s the inside of us that needs
to be changed and then the changes in our behavior just follow
suit.
When Dave and I were first married, I did not comprehend
that the abuse that I had gone through in my past had
anything to do with my current behavior. I believed that’I was
a new creature in Christ and that old things had passed away,
and legally that’s true. But experientially, newness in Christ has
to be walked out in your life. Even though Jesus comes to live
in your spirit, there still is a work that has to be done in your
soul.
Your soul is your mind, your will, and your emotions. Your
soul harbors your thinking skills where you rationalize and
justify what happens to you. We are living in a society today
in which, I would venture to say, the large majority of people
with whom we come into contact are dysfunctional in the
ability to “think through” the best way to respond to a
situation. Consequently, they display dysfunctional behavior.
I define dysfunctional behavior as not functioning the way
God intended for a person to function. We look at
dysfunctional people and think, What is your problem? What
is wrong with you? Then we spend our time trying to change
them, or we simply reject them.
 Unfortunately many people treat marriage partners the way
they do friends that they no longer want to tolerate. They
simply walk away from the relationship because they have
never learned a functional solution to bad behavior problems.
To bring triumph to our relationships, we must learn what
the other person is thinking then find out how to show them
truth that will renew their soul and help them reach their
potential in God. My husband, Dave, has done that for me. I
think that our life is a great example of how someone with the
love of God can help another person be all that he or she can
be. A loving spouse can bring their mate through to a complete
place of healing and victory.
When Dave and I got married, I looked OK on the outside. I
was a younger version of what I am now, I had a good job and
was put in charge everywhere I worked. Being the boss is just
my personality, the way God put me together for leadership.
The deep problems in my soul were not obvious by just
looking at me. When people are courting, they don’t let those
problems surface.
Dave and I had been married three weeks when he looked at
me and asked, “What is wrong with you?”
With the abuse I had suffered in my childhood, and then the
mistakes of my first marriage, I might have looked good on the
outside, but my soul was a wreck. I didn’t trust or like
anybody, including myself. I had all kinds of fears. But you
would never have thought that was the case because I was
almost obnoxiously bold.
Most people who have been deeply hurt are unbalanced in
their personalities. They’re either obnoxiously aggressive, or
they’re obnoxiously shy and withdrawn. God wants us to have
balanced personalities.
 I doubt if we can comprehend how many dysfunctional,
insecure people we deal with every day in society. The most
dangerous thing about our dysfunctional society is that
hurting people hurt other people. People don’t go around
hurting each other just for the fun of hurting each other. Many
problems start in dysfunctional people during the years they
are forming an opinion about their own self-worth.
When people with problems haven’t learned how to see
beyond their problems, they become dysfunctional —
incapable of having healthy relationships. Those same people
want normalcy as much as anyone else, but their thinking and
emotional skills are not developed beyond their point of pain or
the critical outlook of life that they were taught in those
formative years. If there are no good role models in their life,
they cannot “see” how to change.
Don’t give up on your mate. You can be the role model for
your spouse as you submit yourself to Jesus and respond to
tensions and trials the way He would respond. I am a living
testimony of what God can do through a patient and loving
spouse. There are millions of people who have extremely
serious problems in their marriages. If you are one of them, ask
God for wisdom. He will give you the grace and power to sow
seeds of peace in your loved one. Don’t give up on your
spouse unless you absolutely know that you have a word from
God to get out of the relationship. Don’t act on emotions; be
led by God’s Spirit.
Instead of acting on your emotions, be led by God’s Spirit.

HOW TO HELP AN INSECURE PERSON

 If you are living with a hurting, wounded person, I
encourage you to pray and ask God for specific direction in
how to help your mate through his or her insecurity to the
place of confidence in your and God’s love. It is possible that
you are the only person in the world through whom God can
truly demonstrate His unconditional love for your spouse.
Ask God to lead you to more information on how to help
your mate. Get more teaching; write to my ministry for some of
my tapes and learn how you can be used by God to bring
healing and restoration to that other person. There is
something on the inside of them that is worth going after.
There is a treasure inside of that person, and it should not be
thrown into a field where it might remain lost.
When Dave and I were first married, my personality was like
an old ugly rock with a rough, tough exterior. I acted like I
didn’t need anybody — nobody was going to push me around
or tell me what to do. If they didn’t like me, they could just get
out of my face. I had taken care of myself long enough. I
believed I could continue to do so if that’s what I had to do.
But that wasn’t what was in my heart; that was just the shield
of defense that I put up for others to see.
Who would want a cold, rough stone in the house? Yet,
many people are married to someone who looks and acts like an
impermeable stone. And it is difficult to deal with that hardness
day after day. But there is a treasure on the inside of them just
like the geodes found in nature. Their exterior looks course and
even brutal, but their cavities are lined with crystals and
minerals that explode into beautiful colors and designs.
I believe that God gives us these rocks in nature to teach us
to look beyond the surface of a thing, or a person, to see what
treasure He has hidden in their design. When looking at the
outside of one of these special rocks, who would ever have
thought to look inside of it? That is exactly why we must stop
judging people by the way they look, act, or even by what they
say. We need to go a little bit deeper than how they look. Ask
God to reveal the truth about them and ask to see the
goodness in their heart that is worth pursuing.
Men are told in Ephesians 5 to love their wives by nurturing,
nourishing, and cherishing them. This kind of love is just like
Christ’s love for the church that cleanses and makes us
glorious and holy The picture of this love shows that a man’s
love for his wife can bring her back to a place of full health.
Women are told in verse 33 to respect, reverence, and notice
their husband. She is to show him regard, honor him, prefer
him, venerate, and esteem him. She is to defer to him, praise
him, and love and admire him exceedingly (AMP .) Imagine what
that kind of attention could do to a man with low self-esteem
who had been treated ungraciously as a child. A love with that
kind of strength could make him whole again.

HOW HEALTHY IS YOUR MATE?

Some people are married to a spouse who looks like an
unhealthy plant. Some new growth at the top looks all right,
but there is a lot of dead looking stuff on the lower branches.
With some trees you think, I don’t know if this will make it or
not. Maybe we’ll just get rid of this one and go get us another
one.
I don’t happen to have a green thumb, and if I get a plant
that starts dying, I take it to one of the women in the office and
ask her, “See if you can bring this thing back to life.” One of
the ladies there can take the plant home and in a few weeks she
brings it back with it looking absolutely great. After she has
nurtured it back to health, we all want it in our office again. It
doesn’t even look like it was ever sick after she has cared for it.
I was like a sick plant when Dave found me, but he
nourished me and has been the kind of husband that the Bible
tells men to be. Our relationship was God-ordained; God had a
call on our lives, and He had a plan for how to get us to that
calling. In looking back we can see how God had prepared
Dave for our marriage since he was eighteen years old, filling
him with the Holy Ghost while he was just seeking God on his
own. He had a strong walk with God during those first three
years of being Spirit-filled and many supernatural things
happened to him.
Though he felt like that intimate relationship with God ended
for a brief time while he was in the service, we both believe it
was a special time of preparation in his life specifically to be
able to handle me when I came along. Just as he had learned to
base his relationship with God on the promise of commitment
rather than feelings, he later had to demonstrate the same
lesson to me. Dave taught me that faithfulness has nothing to
do with feelings.
I am not trying to depict Dave as a perfect man, just as I
have not been a perfect woman, but he’s been patient with me
and he stuck with me through the hard times. I believe that he’s
now reaping the benefits.

GOD’S GRACE DOES THE WORK

God does the work through us to help others. When you
sow righteous seeds, you will reap rewards. Dave was used by
God to sow seeds of love and acceptance in me. We don’t give
the credit to man, but we must understand that God works
through people to reach people. He wants to use you to
nurture people and help bring them back like a healthy tree
planted near running water.
Part of our heritage in God is to be secure. Isaiah 54:17 tells
us, But no weapon that is formed against you shall prosper,
and every tongue that shall rise up against you in judgment
you shall show to be in the wrong. This [peace, righteousness,
security, triumph over opposition] is the heritage of the
servants of the Lord [those in whom the ideal Servant of the
Lord is reproduced]. …
Don’t settle for anything less than your God-given, blood-
bought right to be secure. Don’t expect anything less for your
spouse. Isaiah 61:1 says,
Don’t settle for anything less than your God-given, blood-
bought right to be secure. Don’t expect anything less for your
spouse.
The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord
has anointed and qualified me to preach the Gospel of
good tidings to the meek, the poor, and afflicted; He has
sent me to bind up and heal the brokenhearted, to
proclaim liberty to the [physical and the spiritual]
captives and the opening of the prison and of the eyes to
those who are bound.
As a believer, you are anointed to bind up and heal the
brokenhearted. Verses 2,3 continue:
To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord [the year of
His favor] and the day of vengeance of our God, to
 comfort all who mourn,
To grant [consolation and joy] to those who mount in
Zion — to give them an ornament (a garland or diadem)
of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of
mourning, the garment [expressive] of praise instead of a
heavy, burdened and failing spirit — that they may be
called oaks of righteousness [lofty, strong, and
magnificent, distinguished for uprightness, justice, and
right standing with God], the planting of the Lord, that
He may be glorified.
Isaiah spoke of an anointing that will come on a person to
take somebody who is a broken-down mess, whose life is
nothing but ashes and work with them and nurture them and
nourish them until they come to the point where they are trees
of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, so their lives are
now giving glory to God.
I’m glad that my husband didn’t give up on me. How easy it
would have been for him in those first few years to just walk
out, saying, “Who needs the hassle? I don’t need this grief
and insult.” But instead of walking out on me, he would go
somewhere and pray to get more of the grace of God. Then he
would return and live sacrificially and wait for God to change
me in honor of Dave’s prayerful obedience.

REJOICE OVER SMALL

CHANGES
 When Elijah prophesied that God was sending rain, he
became extremely excited when the report came that one little
cloud was in the sky the size of a man’s hand. He took that
speck of a cloud in the whole expanse of the sky as evidence
that God was going to do what He said He was going to do.
You may not have a full manifestation of victory in your life
yet, but if you can see even just a little bit of evidence that God
is working in your life, if all you can find is just one little cloud
in the sky the size of your hand, then rejoice. If you have any
spark of hope in you, any evidence at all that God is working in
your life, in your marriage, in you, in your mate, in your
financial structure, or in your children, then I beseech you in
the name of Jesus, don’t run away from the difficult times!
Stay steadfast and pay the price of endurance because those
ashes are going to be turned into beauty. You and your loved
ones will be that tree of righteousness, the planting of the
Lord, and your lives will give glory to God.
God will anoint you to help other people. Jesus died on the
cross so that you could have the anointing of His Holy Spirit
through grace. That means you don’t even have to deserve the
anointing. God just loves you and the people He wants to
reach through you so much that He will give you supernatural
wisdom and ability to do the right thing that will bring them
back to health. The only price you must pay is your willingness
to die to your flesh, die to your own selfish focus, and look to
see what God wants to do in the lives of others.
Dave had to be patient with me until I got enough of the
Word in me, enough of God’s grace on me, and enough of the
Holy Ghost to be willing to die to the selfish ambitions of Joyce
Meyer. God’s truth and grace brought me to the place that
made me willing to die to that old way of responding to
situations and to begin to do things in a brand new way.

RESTORATION IS NEAR
Isaiah 61, verse 4 says, (referring to those who we’ve been
talking about in the first three verses, whose lives have been
healed with the anointing):
And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise
up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.
When entering a marriage relationship, many individuals
bring the devastations of previous generations with them. It is
not just a little personality problem or an incompatibility
problem; we war not against flesh and blood, for there are
generational curses that come into the relationship that have
been passed to them from generation, to generation, to
generation. Psalm 23:3 (NKJV) says, He restores my soul. …
Verses 1,2 state: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. …
He leads me beside the still waters. He restores my soul.
My soul needed to be restored after Dave and I were
married. I needed to learn how to think differently I needed to
learn self-control over those negative emotions that had been
passed to me from previous generations.
I needed a work to be done in my will. I was stubborn and
rebellious, and God had to work with me until I could trust
being submissive first to Him and then to my husband. It is
easier to trust God than it is people, but God wants us to trust
Him concerning our relationships with other people. That is
why we are to love our spouses as unto the Lord.
First we are to build a strong, dependent relationship with
God and then the relationship we have with Him will affect our
relationships with people in a positive and godly way When
we learn to be intimate with God, He will teach us how to have
loving relationships with each other. Many people try to build
relationships with people without having relationship with
God. Therefore, they have no standard of what love is or
should be.
When we learn to be intimate with God, He will teach us how
to have loving relationships with each other.
The marriage relationship on earth is supposed to be an
example of what our spiritual relationship is with the Lord Jesus
Christ. I had prayed that God would send me somebody who
would take me to church. I wanted to serve God, but I had so
many problems in my soul that I couldn’t seem to go to church
on my own. I needed somebody to disciple me. I got a good
foundation about salvation through the Protestant church we
attended, but when I was baptized in the Holy Spirit, God
began a restoration in my soul. I can truly stand before masses
of people and testify, “He has restored my soul.”
Don’t abandon the promise before you see its fulfillment.
When the changes start to hurt, don’t run away from them
because if you do, you will be running all your life. Remember,
things might get worse before they get better as God works
things out in your spouse. Pray all the more through these
times of purifying. You are about to see gold emerge from the
fire.
THE TWO SHALL BECOME
ONE
God works in both partners in a marriage. I said earlier that I
am not trying to portray Dave as a perfect man — he is not
perfect. He certainly has faults like the rest of us. While God
was working on me, He was also working on Dave. My faults
were just louder than Dave’s. Some people have quiet faults.
For example someone might be the type who refuses to
confront issues. They seem quiet, shy, withdrawn, and actually
never bother anyone, but they can contribute to the
breakdown of a marriage just the same as a rude, loudmouthed
manipulator.
Perhaps you are like I was — your faults are loud, and it
almost seems unfair that your faults are noticed all the time,
while your spouse’s don’t seem to exist. Be encouraged: God is
dealing with the quiet spouse about their faults, Also, the quiet
spouse may not talk about the process as much, but God deals
with all of us about our faults sooner or later.
There was a time when Dave was extremely passive, which
means he did not take responsibility for some things that he
needed to. He always went to work and did a good job there,
but he was very nonaggressive as far as getting other things
done in life. He played golf, watched sports, and was easy to
get along with, but in those days it might have taken me three
or four weeks to get him to hang a picture for me.
Dave has changed, and he is not that way any longer. We
both had faults; they were just opposite in their nature. I talked
too much: he did not talk enough to suit me. I was too
aggressive; he was too passive. I had a false sense of
responsibility and often made myself responsible for things
that were not my problem, while Dave, at times, didn’t even
realize that something was his responsibility and did nothing.
We are actually very different in personality and our approach
to things, but God has changed us both, and the two have
become one.
Be encouraged that you are not the only one who needs to
change, but God will deal with you about you, not about your
spouse. Do your part, and God will always do His part. Don’t
worry, as I did, about whether or not your spouse is listening
to God. We all have choices to make, and we will all reap the
fruit of them. Concentrate on making right choices yourself,
and leave other people in God’s hands.
 PART 2
MAKING CHOICES
 8
IS THAT YOUR DRIPPING
TOWEL?
… Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own rights
or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or
fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it
[it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].

1 Corinthians 13:5
Love always makes the choice to stand firm and keep on
loving. I have seen men and women make the decision to run
when change starts to hurt. They run from God; they run from
the person on whom they’re blaming their misery; they run
from themselves when there is an issue they need to work out.
When they run, they take the problem with them and leave
their help behind. As long as I was blaming Dave for my own
unhappiness and was blaming my past, I made zero progress.
Change began in me when I made a choice to stop running
away from pain. I realized that I was insecure because I was
abused, but I also realized I didn’t have to stay that way
because Jesus loved me and had the power to change me.
Truth set me free to make new choices.
 The truth of God’s love for me gave me the security to take
responsibility for my actions. I was finally able to admit when I
acted wrong and that I was sinning, then repent. All those
changes took time in me, and they will take time in the person
for whom you are praying. God showed me the changes I
needed to make, and He will show your spouse where to start
as a result of your prayers, not conversation, nagging, or
temper tantrums.

HURTING PEOPLE HURT PEOPLE

I had low self-esteem; I did not like myself. I hated my
personality, and I hated my voice (which I think is extremely
funny because God is now blasting it all over the world).
Somewhere along the line through the abuse that I had
endured, I internalized the shame. I was no longer ashamed of
what was happening to me; I became ashamed of me. I was
hurting and, consequently, was hurting other people.
I believe about 85 percent of the problems that people have
are related to how they feel about themselves. Your nurturing
and encouragement can help them change the way they see
themselves. If you keep loving them, they will begin to examine
themselves to see why you find them lovable. Unconditional
love is the best therapy for someone who can’t find any self-
worth.
Unconditional love is the best therapy for someone who can’t
find any self-worth.
When people discover that God loves them no matter what,
and that you love them no matter how awful they are, a
redemption process begins in their soul that only God’s agape
love can initiate. He loves people through you. You can help
others love themselves if you make a choice to demonstrate
God’s love to them.
When they begin to see how much God loves them, they
begin to like themselves again. When they begin to understand
that they are the righteousness of God because of what Jesus
has done for them, they begin to see the difference between
who they are and what they have done. Once they begin to
separate the two pictures and see how precious they are in
God’s eyes apart from what they do or have done, the
revelation of love for who they are comes to them, and radical
changes begin to manifest in what they do.
But as long as they think they are to do something right to
be something right, then they’re caught in that helpless place
in which religion puts people — works, works, works. They can
never work enough to deserve God’s love, but that’s why it is
so important that someone illustrates to them that God’s love is
a free gift. They prove this by showing that their own love is
unconditional.
If you don’t know how to treat your spouse, maybe it’s
because you feel rotten about yourself. Maybe you need to
really take a good look at how you feel about yourself. Both
men and women have been abused and need a revelation of
God’s unconditional love for them.
A man once told me, “Your tapes have changed my life. I
just got hold of ‘Beauty For Ashes’ a few weeks ago, and I
can’t believe the healing that God is doing in my life.” He said,
“I was abused, and this truth is changing my life.” The Word
of God is medicine for our souls.

PERFECT LOVE CASTS OUT FEAR

 If you don’t like yourself, you are never going to like
anybody else, and you won’t be able to help your spouse like
himself or herself. You will spend all your time trying to prove
your own value, and people who are self-seeking cannot be
servants as Jesus was. Healing can’t come to your marriage
until one of you finds the Healer.
Healing comes by accepting yourself, knowing that where
you are today is not where you will end up, knowing that God
is perfecting you, too. If you would learn to accept the
unconditional love of God, acknowledging that God doesn’t
love you because of what you do, you would be so full of joy
that it would be easy to give unconditional love away to your
spouse.
Do you understand that God can love you just because He
wants to? He doesn’t have to have a reason. We don’t earn or
deserve the love of God. God doesn’t want us to impress
people; He wants us to love them. In the first meeting I ever
taught, I wanted to be the “woman of the hour with the
message of power” so I said, “God, what do You want me to
teach? What do You want me to share?”
He said, “I want you to tell my people that I love them.”
I said, “Oh, God, I’m not going to go with some little John
3:16 message. Everybody knows that You love them.”
He said, “No they don’t. Very few of My people know that I
love them. If they understood My love for them, they would
act much differently than the way they do.”
The first evidence of His love is that it casts out fear. When
we understand how perfectly God loves us, that knowledge
casts the fear, which is insecurity, out of our lives. I could
never be the wife that God wanted me to be to my husband
until I received the love of God. I did not love myself; I had to
let God love me. It’s humbling to let God love you when you
know you don’t deserve it.

FREELY YOU HAVE RECEIVED. FREELY

GIVE
One morning, as I sat in my pajamas praying for my ministry
to grow, the Lord said to me, “Joyce, I really can’t do anything
else in your ministry until you do what I have told you to do
concerning your husband. You are not showing him proper
respect. You argue with him over minor details, things you
should just let go and drop. You have a willful, stubborn,
rebellious attitude. I have dealt with you about it over and over
again, but you just refuse to listen.”
Many of us have a problem with a willful, stubborn attitude.
We think we are being obedient to the Word of God, so we
wonder why we are not living in the covenant blessings
promised us in it. While it is true that God’s love is
unconditional. His covenant blessings are contingent on being
“doers of the Word.” It is not enough just to read the Word, or
even to learn it and confess it. It is in the doing that the
blessings are released.
It is in the doing of God’s Word that the blessings are
released.
I was having problems being submissive because I had such
a strong will and was still caught in my defensive attitude from
being abused as a child. But I was missing out on the blessings
God was eager for me to enjoy.
After praying, I got up and went to take a shower in the new
bathroom Dave had just installed off our master bedroom.
Since he had not yet put up a towel rack, I laid my towel on the
toilet seat and started to step into the shower.
Dave saw what I was doing and asked me, “Why did you
put your towel there?”
Right away I could feel my emotions getting stirred up.
“What’s wrong with putting it there?” I asked in a sarcastic
tone.
As an engineer, Dave answered with typical mathematical
logic. “Well, since we don’t have a floor mat yet, if you put
your towel in front of the shower door, when you get out you
won’t drip water on the carpet while reaching for it.”
“Well, what difference would it make if I did get a little water
on the carpet?” I asked in a huff.
Sensing the mood I was in, Dave just gave up, shrugged his
shoulders and went on his way.
As it turned out, I did what Dave had suggested, but I did it
by angrily slamming the towel onto the floor. I did the right
thing, but I did it in the wrong attitude.
God wants us to get to the point of doing the right thing
with the right attitude.
As I stepped into the shower after throwing my towel on the
floor, I was filled with rage.
“For crying out loud,” I ranted to myself. “I can’t even take a
shower in peace! Why can’t I do anything without somebody
trying to tell me what to do?”
In my frustration I just went on and on.
Although I was a Christian and had been in ministry
preaching to others for some time, I myself lacked control over
my own mind, will, and emotions. It was three full days before
my soul calmed down enough for me to get victory over that
bath towel!
I guess for those three days I was a noisy gong and a
clanging cymbal. I certainly wasn’t inspired by spiritual
devotion such as is inspired by God’s love for and in us,
mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13:1. I gave up my birthright for a
bath towel! But I know I was not alone in this struggle to be
spiritually mature.
Love is maturity to the full degree. It is a sacrificial gift to
someone else. If love doesn’t require some sort of sacrifice on
our part, we probably aren’t loving the other person at all. If
there is no sacrifice in our actions, we are most likely reacting
to something nice they did for us, or simply pretending to be
kind to gain some control over them. Love is almost always
undeserved by the person who receives it.
Jesus said, For if you love those who love you, what reward
can you have? … (Matthew 5:46). He said that we should love
our enemies. How much more should we love our family? He
pointed out that the Father blesses both wicked and good with
sunshine and rain, and as His children we should be reflecting
that same grace on both the deserving and the undeserving. In
Matthew 5:48 He reached the proper height of virtue and calls
us to maturity saying, You, therefore, must be perfect [growing
into complete maturity of godliness in mind and character,
having … integrity], as your heavenly Father is perfect.
If you and your mate are struggling in your marriage, I
suggest that you read the first eight verses of I Corinthians 13
out loud together every morning. I believe if you will do it on a
regular basis that you will begin to see changes in your
relationship as you become grounded in God’s perspective of
how we are supposed to treat each other.
Verse I says, If I [can] speak in the tongues of men and
[even] of angels, but have not love (that reasoning,
intentional, spiritual devotion, [notice this next part] such as
is inspired by God’s love for and in us), I am only a noisy
gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I don’t have love in me, I can’t give it to somebody else.
That love is inspired by God’s love in and for us. That is why
it’s impossible to love others until we know God loves us and
puts love in us to give away.
Verse 2 says, And if I have prophetic powers (the gift of
interpreting the divine will and purpose), and understand all
secret truths and mysteries and possess all knowledge, and if I
have [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but
have not love (God’s love in me) I am nothing (a useless
nobody).
If we don’t have love in us, we can’t give it to somebody else.
That love is inspired by God’s love in and for us.
I have God’s love in me because I receive God’s love on a
regular basis. I now have a reservoir of love in me that I can
give out to other people because I receive love from God all the
time. I hope you understand when I say, “I like myself.”
Someone once wrote an unkind article about me, pulled that
statement out of one of my tapes and used it to make me look
like I was being selfish and self-centered. I don’t like myself in
me, but I like myself in Christ. There’s a big difference in the
two statements. I like the person that I am when I walk in God’s
love for others.
Verse 3 says, Even if I dole out all that I have [to the poor
in providing] food, and if I surrender my body to be burned or
in order that I may glory, but have not love (God’s love in
me), I gain nothing.
 The Amplified Bible brings out truth that other versions
don’t communicate in quite the same way. Verse 4 reads, Love
endures long. … Love doesn’t write somebody off because
they don’t straighten up right away.
Verses 4 and 5:
Love endures long and is patient and kind, love never is
envious nor boils over with jealousy, it is not boastful or
vainglorious, does not display itself haughtily.
It is not conceited (arrogant and inflated with pride); it
is not rude (unmannerly) and does not act
unbecomingly. …
How would “please” and “thank you” sound in your home?
Would heads turn to see who was asking? Good manners
should be a normal part of our relationships.
“Honey, would you please bring me something to drink?”
“Thank you, sweetheart!”
“Would you please take out the trash?”
“I appreciate you.”
Many couples give out orders to each other and to their
children without ever showing any appreciation. In fact, we
often treat worst the people we ought to love the most. God is
never rude or demanding, and we should love others the way
He demonstrates love toward us.
The rest of verse 5 says:
… Love (God’s love in us) does not insist on its own
rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not
touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the
evil done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong].
If you have ever acted like an emotional bag lady or bag
man, who carries your collection of favorite grudges around
with you everywhere, I challenge you to unload your bag and
leave it in the trash. If you have a habit of taking account of all
the evil that’s ever been done to you, just be rid of it. Leave it
behind you. When you look up from reading this book, don’t
take those old memories with you. Leave them behind, and look
at your spouse — all your family — and home through the
eyes of God’s love: … it [love] takes no account of the evil
done to it [it pays no attention to a suffered wrong]. Wow!
There are still times, although they are more infrequent, that I
start allowing my feelings to be hurt. When this happens, God
reminds me of that Scripture love pays no attention to a
suffered wrong. I am able to respond the way the verses in I
Corinthians 13 instruct us to do. Verses 6-8 continue:
It does not rejoice at injustice and unrighteousness, but
rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Love bears up under anything and everything that
comes, it is ever ready to believe the best of every person,
its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it
endures everything [without weakening].
Love never fails [never fades out or becomes obsolete or
comes to an end]. As for prophecy (the gift of
interpreting the divine will and purpose), it will be
fulfilled and pass away; as for tongues, they will be
destroyed and cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away
[it will lose all its value and be superseded by truth].
But love will never, ever, ever pass away. All things are
temporal, except faith, hope, and love — these will remain.
Verse 13 says the greatest of all is love. If only our love
remains, shouldn’t we try to make larger deposits of it wherever
we can? Our ability to love others is the only success that we
will carry with us into eternity.
I want to be successful at loving God, and Dave, and you.
Nothing else that I will ever do will be remembered. If love isn’t
a part of my memoirs, there is nothing that will be worth
remembering of my life here.

THEREFORE, SUBMIT YOURSELVES TO

EACH OTHER
There is a sacrifice in marriage. The husband is to love his
wife as Christ loved the church. The wife is to love and admire
her husband, exceedingly.
That is not just any old, ordinary kind of love; it is the agape
love that we just reviewed in the eight verses of 1 Corinthians
13. The Bible says that the husband is to honor his wife as the
physically weaker vessel, defending that she is not physically
able to do some of the things that men do. The Bible says a
man should dwell with his wife with understanding. Women are
not like men, and men usually don’t understand their wives,
but God says to ask Him for wisdom, even concerning her.
Verse 4 says, Love endures long and is patient and kind. …
The New King James Version says, Love suffers long. … We all
need to suffer long, be long-suffering, with each other. Just the
sound of the word “long-suffering” is strong. We don’t pay
enough attention to the wording in this description of love. We
are supposed to suffer lo-o-o-ong, and have understanding.
Some days a woman wakes up and decides to cry all day for
no reason. Her husband needs to be especially long-suffering
on that day. She wants her husband to understand and just tell
her everything is going to he all right.
We women have hormones that go in all different directions.
Some mornings I get up and one goes left, one goes right, and
one stays in bed. I don’t know why I feel the way I feel that
day but I just tell Dave, “Well, my hormones aren’t all doing
what they’re supposed to do today, honey. So you are just
going to have to be a little long-suffering today.” Love gives
warnings when danger is near [author’s paraphrase].
First Corinthians 13:4 continues, … love never is envious
nor boils over with jealousy. … It is a dangerous thing to be
jealous of one another. When Dave and I were first married, I
was used to jealousy. It was a natural part of every relationship
I was ever in. Even trying to make your spouse jealous was
part of the game. Dave was stable, born again, and a Spirit-
filled man who wasn’t interested in playing silly games with me.
He wanted us to have a good marriage.
One time I was trying to make him jealous and realized that
he wasn’t at all concerned. Later, I said to him, “Well, you’re
not even jealous of me!”
He said, “Joyce, if I have to worry about whether or not you
are running off with somebody else, then really, to tell you the
truth, you’re not worth having.” He said, “I’m not about to
spend all my life worrying about what you are going to do with
somebody else. If you don’t want me, then I’m not going to
make you stay with me anyway.”
Jealousy is just like a disease. It causes suspicion and vain
imaginations that are not true. If you entertain jealousy as part
of your relationship, you are playing with a dangerous spirit.
The devil will exaggerate your concerns and hide implications
in innocent circumstances as he did in the following example.
One weekend, I went to the country to visit my grandmother.
When I came back home, I saw an eyebrow pencil down in one
of the cold air vents in the floor of our old apartment. Having
already entertained suspicion and jealously, immediately I
thought. He had a woman here this weekend! He had
somebody here this weekend!
I bolted to find him and started “reading” him off my list of
questions: “Who did you have here this weekend?”
Puzzled, he asked, “What?”
I said, “Who stayed here with you this weekend?”
He said, “My brother stayed here with me.” His little brother,
Don, was about ten or twelve years old at that time. “Donny
stayed here with me this weekend, Joyce. What is your
problem?”
“Well, I don’t suppose Donny uses an eyebrow pencil, does
he? I found this eyebrow pencil! Look! Just look! I found this
thing down here in this floor grate.”
“I don’t know how the thing got there,” he said. “I’m telling
you right now: I did not have a woman here!”
But my mind was convinced that he had, had a woman in
that apartment while I was gone. I didn’t trust him, was jealous,
and suffered constant torment for about a week until Dave
asked his little brother, “When you were here, did you drop
anything down the vent? Or did you have anything to do with
the cold air vent?”
Donny quickly admitted, “Oh, yeah, I dropped some money
down there, and I got down there to find it,” Then he added,
“While I was looking for my money, I stirred up all kinds of
stuff.”
That eyebrow pencil had been there probably for years
hidden under all the dirt that gets collected in something like
that. When he dropped his money down there and opened it
up, he stirred up all that stuff. My imaginations were just that,
vain deceptions and outright lies. Don’t be jealous of each
other.
Rehearse the list of what love is, but don’t focus on what it
isn’t.
Love endures long.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love is never envious nor jealous.
Love is not boastful or vainglorious.
Love is not haughty.
Love is not conceited, arrogant, and inflated with pride.
Love is not rude and unmannerly nor acts unbecomingly.
Love is not insistent on its own rights or its own way.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not touchy or fretful or resentful.
Love takes no account of the evil done.
Love pays no attention to a suffered wrong.
Love rejoices when right and truth prevail.
Love bears up under anything and everything that comes.
Love is ever ready to believe the best of every person.
Love’s hope is fadeless under all circumstances.
Love endures everything without weakening.
Love never fails.
Love never fades out.
Love never becomes obsolete.
Love abides forever.
Love is the greatest of all things.
Christ loved the church in all these ways when He was on
earth. This means He loves you and me with that kind of love.
He doesn’t love us selfishly. He demonstrated His love for us
by dying on the cross. He loves us with our needs in mind.
With this understanding, the following verse should have a
deeper impact on how we should treat each other.
Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ (the
Messiah, the Anointed One).
Ephesians 5:21
Husbands who want their wives to submit to their authority
should have their wives’ interests in mind when they make
decisions. Decisions made based on their own selfishness are
not made in keeping with the way Christ would treat us. The
approach of “You have to do what I want because that’s the
wife’s position” was never found in the attitude of Jesus
toward the people in the church.
Our decisions should always have the other spouse’s
interests in mind. No marriage is going to be even a mediocre
marriage without sacrifice. It is important to understand that
true love gives of itself.
Sacrifice means you are not going to have your way all the
time. This means both the husband and wife are called to love
each other with unconditional agape love. There has to be
sacrifice of selfish desires if couples are going to enjoy a
triumphant marriage. Christ loved the church and gave Himself
up for her.
Husbands are to give themselves up for their wives, and
wives are to return that love as unto Christ. She should be
happy to do nice things for him when he comes home just as if
the Lord had returned after a long day. The husband should
embrace her and reassure her of her worth and value to him just
as Christ reminded us that He died so that we might live.
 SET YOUR MIND ON HAVING A GOOD
MARRIAGE
Every day when I get up, I purpose to have a good marriage.
I’m not going to accidentally have a good relationship with
Dave. I love to do things for Dave. He is a difficult person to
buy things for because he doesn’t really want anything.
Dave’s basically a satisfied guy. He says, “I have you, honey.
What more could I want?”
I say, “Well, I know that’s right. But it’s your birthday, and I
want to do a little something for you.” Many times I have to
pray and ask the Lord to give me a creative idea for a way that I
can bless Dave.
Love listens to the other person and searches for clues on
ways to serve, bless, and lift up that person.
Love listens to the other person and searches for clues on
ways to serve, bless, and lift up that person. Listen to your
spouse. Search out the needs of the one you love. God told me
a long time ago, “If you will listen to people, they will all tell
you what they want and what they need.”
It comes falling out of our mouths! Listen with the attitude
that you are going to be a “need-meeter.”
 9
I PROMISE TO LOVE YOU, BUT
…
… but one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting
what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead.
Philippians 3:13

Forgiveness is the core ingredient to every successful

relationship. So many people carry exceptions to their offer of
love. “I love you, but you really hurt my feelings yesterday.”
Or “I love you, but I’m too tired, too busy, too distracted, too
annoyed, too angry, too unhappy to be nice to you right now.”
True love simply says, “I love you!” No exceptions!
The apostle Paul pointed out in Philippians 3:11-14 that to
attain the spiritual and moral resurrection that lifts us out from
among the dead [even while we are here in body], we must
continue to forget the past and press on for the goal to win the
prize to which Jesus is calling us.
We are to forget what lies behind and press on to what lies
ahead. Women seem more prone to carrying grudges and
remembering offenses for days, and some even remain bitter for
years. Jesus called us to a higher prize that requires us to both
receive forgiveness and give it to others. The Lord’s prayer
calls us to pray for forgiveness as we forgive others: And
forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors (Matthew 6:12
KJV).
Each morning when we rise up, we must press toward the
goal of loving others more than we did the day before.
Concentrating on the reward that love brings into our lives, we
need to determine our goal and say to ourselves:
Forgiveness is the core ingredient to every successful
relationship.

I forget what lies behind me, and I press on to all the

blessings that God has for my spouse and me today. I will
love my spouse more today than I did yesterday. God has
already forgiven me for yesterday, and I forgive my
partner for any offense I may have felt before today. I will
not let what happened yesterday destroy the affection
and loving attention I can give to my partner today.
Be in a relationship to see how much you can give to
someone, not to see how much you can get out of it. You will
then be operating on godly principles of investment that will
bring an abundant return because the Bible says, Give, and it
shall be given unto you … (Luke 6:38 KJV).
The Bible never says, “See how much you can get, and then
you’ll be happy.”
You need to be a blessing to your family. The family unit is
the main focal point of Christianity. God’s main focal point is
toward your own family. He cares how you treat each other.
Dave and I were talking one day about the stresses caused in
families where two people living in a house are always wanting
to do something different from each other at the same time.
For example, reflecting on my own determinations, I thought
of the times when I finally find a few minutes to sit down and
relax in front of the television. I flip through the channels to see
if something decent is on to entertain my tired head, and
invariably Dave will come in and somehow manage to take the
remote control out of my hand. The next thing I know there’s a
ball game on the screen! Even though with our schedule he
doesn’t get to watch as many ball games as he used to watch,
the first thing that Satan says to my mind is, “That is all he ever
does!”
Be warned — the devil is an extremist! He wants to break up
relationships, and he likes to use terms like “always,” “ever”
and “never” to do it. He whispers, “Your spouse never pays
any attention to you. He never takes you out. He always
watches football (or basketball or baseball). Even though it’s
not true anymore with Dave, I hear that terminology in my
thoughts.
As Dave and I continued our discussion on families, I asked,
“How do people get to that point where they want to live that
life of sacrifice for the other person?”
Dave said, “I really believe that a person just has to start out
doing it in obedience to the Word.”
The point is, you are not going to feel like sacrificing for
someone. If you felt like doing something, it wouldn’t be a
sacrifice at all. I know this isn’t an easy answer, but as a person
obeys the Word, the feelings of pleasure from that obedience
will happen over a period of time.
I don’t know anybody who just delights in letting the other
person have their way. Our flesh screams at us, “But I want to
do this! I don’t want to do this!” We don’t start out delighting
in letting that other person have their way — we just practice
obeying God.
 As you obey God, just doing what the Word says to do, and
begin to sacrifice for another person out of obedience to the
Word, over a period of time you will come into such unity with
the person that you will reach a place of the heart where you
honestly want the same things. That’s something that happens
supernaturally in the Spirit.
And I know that’s true because I know how like-minded
Dave and I are now as compared to years ago. We thought
differently on everything then. And it seems as though now we
are becoming more and more and more alike. People say that
when two people live together for a long time, they even start
to look like each other. They start to act like the other person
because they are becoming intertwined and molded into the
agreement of “one person.” I know that’s true because of my
relationship with the Lord. I started out a long time ago
obeying the Word and doing what God told me to do just
because it was the Word. I loved God and wanted to obey His
Word.
Trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) in the Lord and
do good; so shall you dwell in the land and feed surely on
His faithfulness, and truly you shall be fed.
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the
desires and secret petitions of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord [roll and repose each care of
your load on Him]; trust (lean on, rely on, and be
confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.
Psalm 37:3-5
God wants us to trust His instructions on how to treat other
people.
 God wants us to trust His instructions on how to treat each
other. To delight in Him is to joyfully obey Him. If we do, He
will give us the desires of our heart. It is not the responsibility
of our spouse to give us our heart’s desires; it is God Who
promises to give us the secret petitions of our inner-most
desires, if we love and obey Him by loving others.
There’s nothing in my flesh that inspires me to give away my
money or makes me want to apologize to Dave when the Lord
quickens me to do so. There’s nothing in my flesh that wants
to forgive Dave when I think he is wrong. But God wants me to
respond with love and say “no” to my flesh and “yes” to Him,
even though I don’t feel like it. Once I began doing what God
said to do, I honestly came to the point where I wanted what
God wanted. I don’t even know how or when that happened.
A supernatural change takes place in us as we obey God out
of respect for His Word. God does a sovereign, supernatural
work in our lives as we trust Him enough to do what He says.
Soon, spouses start becoming like-minded, in one accord, of
one mind, having one purpose, one harmonious mind and
intention, going in the same direction.

IT’S A PROMISE
Unity, to become one with each other, is God’s promise to us
as we obey Him. Obedience to God’s directions for love is the
way two people become one. The blessing that God bestows
on those who are in harmony with each other through the
filling of the Holy Spirit is illustrated in Acts 4:32,33.
Now the company of believers was of one heart and soul,
and not one of them claimed that anything which he
 possessed was [exclusively] his own, but everything they
had was in common and for the use of all.
And with great strength and ability and power the
apostles delivered their testimony to the resurrection of
the Lord Jesus, and great grace (loving-kindness and
favor and goodwill) rested richly upon them all.
Wouldn’t we all like to have loving-kindness, favor, and
goodwill rest upon us? It comes from the infilling of the Holy
Spirit in our lives and sharing with others what God has given
us. The result is great strength, ability, and power to testify of
the goodness of Jesus Christ.
It is important to understand that obedience brings the
unity. … a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall
become united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become
one flesh (Genesis 2:24).
They become one by obediently cleaving to each other. Men
are to give themselves up for their wives, love their wives and
sacrifice for them. Wives are to respect, admire, notice, and
obey their husbands.
It takes practice — mistakes will happen as you first begin to
obey God — but resist selfishness and rebellion that are
against God’s plan for you. Refuse to give in to the devil,
notice how as you persist, the two of you become one. You will
soon be like two little peas in a pod!
I can see it happening between Dave and me more and more.
One of us will suggest something and the other will say, “I was
just thinking the same thing!” I would be thinking about
something as we rushed about, too busy to mention what I
needed, and five or ten minutes later, Dave would say just the
thing I was thinking about. Two people become one through
obeying God’s Word. Systematically, over a period of time,
they begin to be like-minded.

THE SACRIFICE OF LOVE

To obey God, you have to be willing to first sacrifice your
personal desires, and when you do, God will give back to you
more than you desired in the first place.
Two people become one through obeying God’s Word.
Systematically, over a period of time, they begin to be like-
minded.
When Dave and I first began to travel extensively in
ministry, Dave had to sacrifice a lot of golf in order to go. He
enjoyed playing on a weekly league and could no longer do
that, plus we usually are doing meetings on Saturdays and
often were on Sundays. I know it was something he missed,
but God has given him a harvest for the seeds of obedience he
has sown. Not only does he have the joy of knowing he is
helping people all over the world, but God arranges for him to
play golf on some of the best courses in the world and often
free of charge. Anything we give to God he gives back to us
many times over.
Secondly, you must be willing to sacrifice your pride. In
exchange, God will honor you before others. Every time I say,
“I was wrong,” I have to sacrifice my pride, as well as every
time I apologize. I have to sacrifice my pride every time Dave
tells me “no” about something, and I choose to accept his
decision without making a fuss about it.
 Pride is the detrimental enemy against love. Everyone is
infected with pride at some point and has to learn how to take it
to the altar of sacrifice. Pride separates two people who have
different opinions, and who both demand to be right. But the
“Love Chapter” in 1 Corinthians 13 says that love does not
demand its rights. Strife only comes by pride.
Love is not self-seeking. In other words, love is willing to be
wrong, even if it knows it’s right. Most arguments are over
insignificant things that don’t make two cents worth of
difference. Love gives up the right to be right. Besides,
sometimes you may be wrong, even though you are adamantly
sure of yourself.
Proverbs 3:7 says, Be not wise in your own eyes. … There
have been times when I insisted that I knew the way to
someone’s house, then found out I didn’t! One night when
Dave and I were going out to dinner with friends, we were
driving to pick them up. Dave said he didn’t know how to get
there, and I assured him that I knew the way.
Dave followed my instructions, but made the occasional
comment, “Honey, I don’t think this is the right way.”
Finally, fed up with his lack of confidence in me, I said in my
unmistakable “don’t-mess-with-me” tone, “I know where we
are going!” Then with added frustration I spurted, “You never,
never think I’m right!” Once I had released those extreme
words, more tumbled right out of my mouth, “You never listen
to me! I know where they live! I remember! You go up this
street, and you go up a hill to a cul-de-sac, and their house will
be right there. Don’t tell me I’m not right.”
Silence filled the car and I felt warm with satisfaction
knowing I had him this time. He turned the car in the direction I
had insisted was right, went up the hill where we found neither
a cul-de-sac nor even a house! When you are sitting in an
empty field with “egg on your face” for having boasted of
knowledge that you didn’t have, you begin to become more
open-minded to other people’s ideas.
God had to let me go through several situations to help me
realize that it’s not worth arguing over who’s right. Many times
you think you are right, when in reality, you are not. Humility
often comes only through being humiliated. These types of
things were very humiliating to me, but they helped break the
strong spirit of pride in my soul.
I have learned to say, “Well, honey, I think this is the way to
go. But I have been wrong lots of times before. You go
whichever way you feel is the wisest to go.” I just pitch it back
on Dave and give him a chance to show me how smart he is.
When we humble ourselves before our husbands, one of
two things happens. Our opposition will soften enough to
listen to us, which they will not do if we are arguing with them,
so that a door can open for God to give us both true wisdom.
Or if the other person is in an attitude of haughtiness that he
shouldn’t be in, our own humility will afford him the
opportunity to make enough mistakes that he will feel free to
listen when we have a suggestion.
Strife is caused by pointless arguments and ill-informed
controversies. According to 2 Timothy 2:23 Paul says,
But refuse (shut your mind against, have nothing to do
with) trifling (ill-informed, unedifying, stupid)
controversies over ignorant questionings, for you know
that they foster strife and breed quarrels.
You can tell when a conversation is beginning to stir strife
and spare yourself of many arguments. It is not difficult to
discern if a conversation is agitating the other person. Or if you
are starting to get mad, starting to shout or can feel all the
blood rushing to your head, you should stop talking about the
subject and try again later. If your husband’s face is all
contorted and you think, My, he looks strange, you are
probably making him mad and should back off. That’s a signal
that you have said too much and that it’s time to be quiet! I
know that is downright, practical advice and would seem to be
pretty obvious, but it is amazing how many of us just plough
on through closed doors with our improper timing and wonder
why the other person is irritated at us.
Sometimes when Dave and I are going somewhere, I think
Dave is choosing the longer route. What sense does it make to
insist that we go my way, if both ways will get us there? For
example, there are two ways to reach our hardware store. When
Dave drives there, I am sure he’s taking the longer route and
the challenge begins.
“Why are you going this way?”
“Because it’s the way to the hardware store.”
“Well, which one are you going to?”
“I’m going to the one in South County.”
“What? That is a lot further away than the one in Lindbergh.
Go to the one in Lindbergh!”
“It’s not further, Joyce. South County’s closer.”
“No, it’s not, Dave! Lindbergh is closer.”
“No, it’s not, Joyce.”
“Well, if I got in the other car and went to the one in
Lindbergh, and you went to the one in South County, and we
clocked the amount of time it took us to get to each one, I’d bet
you that I’d get there before you did!”
What difference does it make? I have learned to let the man
go where he wants! If he wants to drive all over St. Louis to get
one nail, let him! God has shown me the many times I question
Dave’s integrity on silly trivia like that. I don’t like it when
Dave constantly challenges me over insignificant decisions I
made, yet I was trifling with him over unimportant details.
“Where are you going?” “What are you doing?” “Why are
you doing that?” “Why are you doing it that way?” “Now why
did you say that?”
God has been telling me, “Joyce, be still. Just be quiet. If you
are trying to make your husband feel significant, a good way to
do it is to not question his integrity all the time.” It is an
important lesson that can take some time to learn.
Dave and I had an outstanding argument about Henry
Fonda that lasted for years. Dave had this little thing — he
thought that every actor that came on television was Henry
Fonda. We would be watching television and he would say,
“Oh, that’s Henry Fonda.”
I’d say, “Dave, that isn’t Henry Fonda.”
“Yeah, it is.”
“No, it’s not.”
“Yes, it is.”
“No-o-o, it’s not”
“Ye-e-es, it is.”
Once we’d started that conversation, we didn’t even pay
attention to the rest of the movie. We would stay up half the
night just to read the cast of characters so I could prove to him
that the actor was not Henry Fonda. We went through that
routine for a number of years! It was our favorite argument.
One night after I had been preaching a few years and had
obtained a little “spiritual maturity,” the Lord stopped me just
as I was ready to retaliate. God said to me, “What difference
does it make if it’s Henry Fonda? Who cares?”
You see, God cares about families and how we get along
together. If you have never stopped to listen to the voice of
God, I encourage you to ask Him for His opinion the next time
you are ready to repeat a behavior that never gets you
anywhere. When the Holy Spirit is in our lives. He teaches and
instructs us in the will of the Father. He is full of love and grace
and will give us advice that will make our relationships rich
with cohesive power. The Lord may tell you to be willing to be
wrong, even if you are right.
Listening to and following the Holy Spirit’s advice will make
your relationships rich with cohesive power.
Sometimes even now Dave will say, “Oh, that’s Henry
Fonda.”
When he does, I say, “M-mm, could be! I never knew he
looked like that. But, who knows, maybe he had a little plastic
surgery.”
Far be it from me to say it isn’t good old Henry. I’m just glad
to have some time to sit with Dave and watch one of those old
good movies again! It’s amazing how much peace compliance
affords you. Don’t inspire trifling, ill-informed, unedifying,
stupid controversies over ignorant questions that start
quarrels and breed strife.
If you want to have peace in your home, you have to be
willing to sacrifice your pride.

DON’T TAKE OFFENSE

The third thing you have to be willing to sacrifice is
touchiness — the ability to be easily offended.
 I’ve had to learn not to let my feelings get hurt if Dave
doesn’t want to do something for me. For example, when we go
out to eat, after I say, “No, I don’t think I want one of those,”
about a particular item on the menu, and Dave gets one, many
times I want to eat it after all.
I’ll say, “Just let me have one bite — I just want one bite.”
I always get a small-sized frozen yogurt because it makes me
feel as though I’m not overdoing it by eating too much. Dave
usually gets the giant size, and as soon as I finish mine, I
realize I can eat another small portion, only I want it out of his
cup. For some reason, Dave doesn’t like that. He doesn’t like
me eating his food.
When he stops at a drive-through, he will say, “Do you want
a hamburger?”
“No, I don’t want one.”
“You’re sure you don’t want one?”
“No, really, I don’t want one.”
“Ok, you don’t want one?”
“No, I don’t want one.”
Then he gets his and, invariably, after I watch him and he is
about halfway through. I decide I want some. I beg, “Well,
could I just have one bite?” It’s really all I want. If I buy a
whole hamburger for the one bite I want, we would have to
either throw the rest away or Dave would be tempted to
overeat by taking the rest of my sandwich. It seems perfectly
logical to me that he should just share one bite with me.
Besides, I had seen our friends who work with us, Roxane and
Paul, lovingly share food when we were with them, so I
couldn’t understand any harm in asking for one little bite.
Paul and Roxane have done many things for us. When our
children were still at home, they took care of them when we
were out of town. They help keep the ministry operating
smoothly through all the things they have done for us. I have
never seen any couple who is as sweet to each other as they
are. Their relationship is tremendously anointed. Roxane
shared with me that even when she was a little girl she would
pray that God would give her a husband to submit to. She said,
“I don’t even know how I knew to pray for this, but I had an
intense desire to submit to a husband.” And Paul is a
chivalrous husband who can’t stand to see a woman
mistreated in any way.
Roxane is like me in that she doesn’t want to order much to
eat, but when she sees Paul’s food she wants some of it. And
Paul is really sweet about it. He just gives it to her. Paul does
not seem to mind Roxane eating his food. Dave does not mind
my eating his food most of the time, but there are times when
he would rather that I just get what I want. We cannot expect
our spouse to do what someone else’s does. Dave and Paul are
two totally different people with varying desires and
approaches to life. Dave does not like it at all when I compare
him with some other man I think is treating their wife in a way I
would like to be treated. He reminds me that he does not
compare me to other women and would appreciate me not
comparing him to other men.
I once made a disastrous mistake and asked Dave for the last
bite of his hamburger. If there is anything that is hard for a man
to sacrifice, it’s the last bite of his hamburger. It’s easier for him
to give somebody the first bite because he still has so much of
it left. But when he is down to the last bite, I didn’t realize
before how much of a test it could be, especially for Dave.
Our exchange began as usual, with his offer, “I’m going to
stop here and get a hamburger. Do you want a hamburger?”
 “No, no, no. I don’t want anything.”
“Are you sure you don’t want anything? Let me get you
one.”
I firmly said, “Dave, I don’t want a hamburger.”
He said, “I’ll eat what’s left.”
I said, “I do not want a hamburger.”
“OK.”
He bought a hamburger, and I waited and waited, trying my
best not to ask for a bite of that hamburger. But he got down to
the last bite, and I couldn’t stand it.
I asked, “Do you suppose I could have that last bite?”
He became upset with me. He huffed, “Why didn’t you let
me get you a hamburger?! I will buy you all the hamburgers
you want. Why do you only want to eat mine?!”
“It’s only one bite!” I defended. “You don’t have to be so
selfish! Maybe you need to read Mark 8:34 and forget about
yourself!”
He said, “All right! Here it is.”
I said, “Nope, I don’t want it! I wouldn’t eat that hamburger
now! You couldn’t pay me to eat that bite of that hamburger!”
He said, “You eat this!”
I said, “I’m not eating it!”
He said, “You eat it!”
I said, “I will not!”
“Well, I’m not eating it, so you might as well.”
So I took it, shoved it in my mouth and chewed it up.
I was upset not only because Dave had hurt my feelings, but
because I had compared the way he treated me to the way I
saw Paul treat Roxane. I said, “Well, every time Roxane wants
to eat Paul’s food, he just gives it to her with no problem! I ask
you for one stinkin’ bite of your hamburger, and you throw a
fit!” I was mad for about an hour after that last argument.
It takes a little while for the Holy Ghost to get through to us
when we are enjoying our vengeance and self-pity as I was.
But finally, I started feeling the presence of the Lord deep
within me saying, “Joyce, you are acting ridiculous. The man
told you he would buy you a whole sack of hamburgers if you
want them.”
Dave had offered to buy me a hamburger even if I just
wanted one bite of it. He had clearly asked me in advance not
to ask for his. It doesn’t matter that sharing food doesn’t
bother Paul. As I said, everyone is different, and it does bother
Dave. The person to whom you are comparing your own
husband probably has some faults your husband doesn’t have
that would drive you crazy and be just as difficult to accept.
What’s the sense in pushing something on your spouse if it
bothers them? Just don’t do it.

FORGIVENESS RELEASES THE POWER

TO HEAL
The fourth sacrifice in marriage is to give up bitterness,
which leads to resentment and unforgiveness. Learn to quickly
forgive others for the things they do that hurt your feelings
and even for the way they behave. This is an area that people
don’t often think about, but sometimes we have a hard time
accepting differences in our personalities and need to simply
forgive when their mannerisms seem brash or abrasive to our
own way of doing things.
If you like to talk and your spouse enjoys solitude, you may
need to forgive him. Dave and I talk to each other, but Dave
doesn’t like to have nonsense conversation. When he and I
were first married, I wanted to talk whether it made any sense or
not.
Sometimes I would want him to just stay up all night and
talk. I would begin, “Let’s talk. We don’t ever talk.”
He’d say, “What do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know. You start.”
He would sigh and say, “Joyce, what’s the sense in talking if
you don’t have anything to say?”
“If we’d just start talking, we’d come up with something.
Let’s try.”
Some people thrive on conversations of any kind. We just
love to pick a topic and see what everyone else thinks about it.
But Dave was wise and didn’t want any part of pointless
conversation. I learned after twelve years that talking when
you have nothing to say gets you in trouble.
But I didn’t know what Dave knew when we were first
married, so I would get upset if he didn’t want to “just talk.”
Whatever causes you to harbor unforgiveness, resentment,
and bitterness needs to be sacrificed on the altar of love and
left behind you.
Marriages are not as good as they could be when people
hold onto little things that have hurt or offended them. It is
difficult to completely open yourself up after being hurt
because you are afraid you will be hurt again. Nobody can
promise that loving someone won’t hurt. In fact, you can’t love
without being willing to be hurt. It’s not possible.
You can’t have real love if you are not going to operate in
forgiveness. Love keeps giving the other person another
chance. Love keeps trusting them over and over again,
expecting them to do the right thing the next time. I realize there
are big hurts and also little things we deal with daily. We need
to let go of strife. Sometimes we may not even know what is
agitating us, but we need to decide to let go of its irritating
hold on us.
You can’t have real love without operating in forgiveness.
Love keeps giving the other person another chance.
Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal what it was that caused you to
feel bitterness or resentment. You may be surprised what He
drags up for you, but when you see the truth, decide to let go
of that grief in the Name of Jesus. Decide to forgive the person
who didn’t respond to you in the way you needed to be
treated.
It took me several days to completely get over the bite of the
hamburger. That’s the truth! My feelings had been hurt
because Dave didn’t want me to have that bite of his
hamburger. Don’t trade your happiness for a bite of
hamburger!
Forget what lies behind, and press on to what lies ahead.
 10
LET’S COMMUNICATE!
The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights
(goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and
likewise the wife to her husband.

1 Corinthians 7:3

Communication is more important than talk. We can say one

thing but communicate something quite contrary to what we
are saying though our facial expressions, body language, and
actions. We can recognize the truth of these familiar
expressions in support of this theory such as, “Talk is cheap,”
and “Actions speak louder than words.” Couples need to be
sensitive to what they communicate to each other through their
actions.
It may seem strange to some people to realize that sex is a
form of communication in marriage, but I venture to prove that
sex is the highest level of communication between a husband
and wife because it was designed by God to bring new life into
the world. The Lord consistently compels us to choose life,
and within the sexual union is the seed and the incubator for
new life to continue in your relationship.
I also want to show that sex between a married couple
should never be withheld from each other as an act of
punishment for disagreements or wrongdoing. According to
God’s Word, the only reason a married couple should not unite
sexually is if they both agree to devote themselves to prayer.
It may seem strange to some people to realize that sex is a
form of communication in marriage.
If a woman tells her husband she loves him, but is always
too tired to give him intimate attention, she is communicating
to him that he is not a priority in her life. Yet, most every
woman will admit to feeling insecure and lonely if her husband
is not attentive to her needs. Tiredness is not an acceptable
excuse for withdrawing from each other.
There must be a sacrifice of selflessness even in your sex
life. The plan of God for your marriage is bigger than your
“feelings.” If you are too tired to enjoy your husband, you are
too tired to enjoy anything else wonderful that God has
planned for you.
First Corinthians 7:4,5 continues to discuss this issue:
For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and
control over her own body, but the husband [has his
rights]; likewise also the husband does not have
[exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the
wife has her rights].
Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of
your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual
consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves
unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital
relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack
of restraint of sexual desire.
 Satan hates the purpose of sex because its ultimate
expression is new life. Sexual fulfillment releases tension, is
enjoyable, and brings a bond of unity that is unlike any other.
It truly does minister new life. A consummated marriage may
bring babies into the world, but even long after a woman is of
childbearing age, the intimacy of the marriage bed continues to
bring new life to her relationship and union with her husband.
God is the one who put a strong sexual drive in men and
women because He loves new life on every level, and He wants
us to be drawn to its potential.1
New life is the very thing that Satan abhors, so beware if you
are caught in his temptation to lure you away from intimate time
with your spouse. When I teach on this subject in my
seminars, the auditorium, filled with thousands of listeners,
goes suddenly still, or people begin to laugh and giggle.
People get very uncomfortable when the subject is mentioned.
I know for a fact that more married couples have problems in
this area than those who don’t, and I also believe if proper
instruction came from the church, much of it could be avoided.
Of course we should approach the subject respectfully,
handling it with great propriety, but to ignore it is a big mistake.
At one of my meetings, a lady stopped me before I went to
the platform and asked, “Are you going to teach on sex,
communication, and money tonight?”
I said, “I’m going to try to.”
She said, “You may need to call out the vice squad.”
Sex is obviously the least talked about yet the greatest threat
to the success of our marriages. When we have our audience
complete questionnaires we get the same response everywhere
— sex, communication, and money are the greatest sources of
stress in marriages. Oddly enough, these three great obstacles
to relationships are intertwined with each other and are
doorways to the greatest areas of blessing that God designed
for us.
If you are too upset with your spouse to make love to him, it
is probably more important to lovingly offer yourself to him at
that time than ever before. The act of sharing what God has
encouraged you to give and what Satan is tempting you to
withhold is to resist the devil and draw near to God. Obedience
is a powerful weapon against the tempter. When the two of
you come together as an act of obedience to God’s plan for
your life, you are telling the devil that you are keeping your
promise to each other and you are ignoring his attempts to
steal your power of agreement with each other.
Now some readers are cheering me on, but others need to
stop and think about this for a moment. Let the truth of God’s
plan for men and women settle in on you. Didn’t He say, “be
fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it?” So what is
the devil going to try to stop you from doing? He’s trying to
stop you from God’s command of blessing in your marriage.
First Corinthians 7:4 says that a married man and woman’s
bodies do not belong to themselves, but to each other. They
each have rights that should be yielded to the other. This verse
is telling married couples that they have equal rights to each
other, and should not withhold loving attention to the other or
Satan will have free reign to tempt them to sin. Continual
rejection to this intimate expression of love will tear down the
self-esteem and sense of self-worth of the spouse who is being
turned away.
A woman once told me that her husband was leaving her
after twenty plus years of marriage. I know and love this
woman. She had been sick for a long time and just hadn’t felt
good. She wasn’t so sick that she couldn’t motivate herself to
get up and accomplish things, but she was consistently “worn
out.” Consequently, she completely abandoned her husband
sexually because she didn’t feel good. Unfortunately, if
abstinence in marriage becomes habitual it is sometimes
difficult to approach each other again.
Obviously there are times when a person is genuinely tired
or under extenuating circumstances that may preoccupy the
attention of a spouse, but even through those times affection
can be communicated. But if the excuse of tiredness is used too
often, a person is asking for trouble. Many times, however, a
woman will say “no” to her husband just because she doesn’t
feel like she wants to stop what she is doing and spend time
with him. If a woman (or man) frequently refuses this focused
time with their spouse, they need to realize that they are being
selfish.
There are times when circumstances may preoccupy the
attention of a spouse, but even through those times affection
can be communicated.
More understanding needs to be gained in the area of marital
sex. Couples need to give tender attention to each other out of
respect for the needs of their spouse, without making
ridiculous demands, realizing that not all people are alike. Some
have stronger desires than others do, and it is important to
remember that God designed this sexual drive. To consistently
reject your partner in this area will quickly tear down their
feelings of attractiveness and desirability. It damages self-
worth.
Hebrews 13:4 says,
 Let marriage be held in honor (esteemed worthy,
precious, of great price, and especially dear) in all
things. And thus let the marriage bed be undefiled (kept
undishonored); for God will judge and punish the
unchaste [all guilty of sexual vice] and adulterous.
Marriage is no longer being held in honor by the world, and
that same deception is seeping into the church. But the Bible
says to hold your marriage in honor. Esteem your marriage
partner as worthy, precious, and of great price. Consider your
relationship as especially dear in all things and let the marriage
bed be kept pure. For God will judge and punish the unchaste
— all guilty of sexual vice — and the adulterous.
This doesn’t mean that we can’t be forgiven for sin, but sin
brings its own punishment. The more we live a holy life, the
happier we are going to be and the more we are going to enjoy
God’s blessings. There is nothing worse than an internal
heaviness from knowing that we are not living right before God
and from being in bondage to something that we neither want
nor from which we can get free.
I have heard a good number of people teach on this
Scripture and say that because the marriage bed is undefiled, a
married couple can do anything that they agree together to do
and it’s all right under the guise of marriage because this
Scripture says the marriage bed is undefiled. But Strong’s
Exhaustive Concordance brings out the meaning of
“undefiled” as “unsoiled” and “pure.” This expresses the
proper translation of this verse as saying that the marriage bed
is pure, and it is to be kept pure.
I don’t agree with the teaching I have heard stating that a
married couple can do anything that they want to do or that
anything that feels good is all right between them because they
are married. I believe that there is a knowledge on the inside of
us of what is holy and what is not. God gives us wisdom for
what is natural and what is not. The Bible tells us to stay away
from unnatural acts and perversions.
Pornography, for example, is definitely a perversion. Those
who feast their eyes on it will come in to bondage to it. There
are certain triggers that Satan uses to set up the spirits that can
gain strongholds in a person. Playing with these temptations is
like playing with a loaded gun. No one can afford to play
games with things that have been strongholds in their lives.
If people have been caught up in adultery, it did not just
happen overnight. They didn’t just wake up one morning
determined to be in an adulterous affair. The idea of it started in
their mind long before they acted out their fantasy. Initial
compromise was made over little things that they knew they
shouldn’t do. Perhaps they had lunch with somebody when
they knew they shouldn’t have gone to lunch together.
Perhaps they took somebody home or picked someone up for
work without telling their spouse and soon found it difficult to
explain.
The more difficult it became to tell the truth, the more the
person entertained the idea that something more was in fact
happening besides an innocent ride. Perhaps they got into a
personal, private conversation with someone that they
shouldn’t have had. In our ministry we are extremely careful
and possibly even go overboard about not opening any doors
for anything like this to take place.
No one should consider themselves exempt from this
temptation. The devil hates marriage and will pursue the fruitful
and happy unions of productive, life-giving couples. It is better
to be extreme in protecting our marriages than to be too loose
and ask for problems. When things come into our minds that
shouldn’t be there, we need to cut them off because if we play
the mind game, we are inviting the next step of temptation.
James 1:14,15 defines the destructive path of temptation:
But every person is tempted when he is drawn away,
enticed and baited by his own evil desire (lust, passions).
Then the evil desire, when it has conceived, gives birth to
sin, and sin, when it is fully matured, brings forth death.
You have to discipline yourself when the warfare first begins
in your mind. The battle is won or lost by what you decide to
do at the point of temptation in the mind. James explains that
first the evil desire is conceived. If entertained, it causes you to
act in sin, and sin in its full maturity will bring death. Death will
come to your marriage, your hopes, and eventually your life if
you continue to give in to temptation.
Your eyes are the window to your soul. What you see is
what you start to think about. I know that most people will
admit that movies can and do impact our lives. I now know to
turn off certain types of movies, but when television first
started showing movies filled with pornographic scenes, it took
many of us by surprise. We weren’t expecting the producers to
give such a graphic display. We were caught up in our interest
of the story when suddenly there was a pornographic scene
that we allowed ourselves to watch. Then at times when we
didn’t want to see that scene again, flashbacks came, and
sometimes for months, or even a year later, we still saw
flashbacks to suggestive portrayals of temptation.
When we open our eyes to blatant temptation, we invite the
vision of its maturity into our soul and place it where the
enemy can use it against us whenever he wants to. Safeguards
need to be placed in our life. Some magazines, and even
advertisements that come to your home, can be filled with
images to inspire lust in your heart. Even advertisements from
department stores are full of women and men half clothed. Life-
sized billboards of a man or a woman in skimpy underwear line
our streets.
While we cannot stop temptation from coming to us, we can
ask God to give us power over the temptations to keep us from
taking the next step that leads to sin. We may have to plead the
Blood of Jesus over our soul to even ride up and down the
street! It is a mistake to think we can resist temptation on our
own. We need to ask God to keep our minds cleansed and give
us the power to live holy lives because the devil is out to
destroy marriages and homes.
We need to work at keeping the marriage bed undefiled
because Satan will certainly use all the junk that is out there to
destroy our blessings. Married couples should protect their
freedom and liberty to enjoy each other, and be quick to ask
God for help in times of weakness to temptation. Keep in mind
that every good gift and every perfect gift is from God. (James
1:17.)
I love and enjoy my husband. We have a good time
together. Coming from an abusive background, I wasn’t always
at ease with my own sexuality. I share this only because I know
a number of people admit to the same “hang-ups” that I had,
and these obstacles are a threat to God’s plan for our
relationships. I believe that my own honesty will help others
break loose from their own bondages.
I was rigid, didn’t want any lights on, and wasn’t going to
open my eyes. I had real problems because of the way that I
had been treated before I married Dave. I had enough sense to
sexually submit to my husband, which I think was good.
Somehow I knew that continued rejection could cause
temptation in a man to go find somebody else, and, of course, I
didn’t want that. But I never really enjoyed our sex life because
I had been hurt and wounded so bad.
People have asked me to teach on this subject, but I always
felt like I wasn’t qualified to teach on sex because I’d had some
problems myself. But the Holy Spirit spoke in preparation for
the teaching in this book. This is what I felt like the Lord said
to me, “Most people have problems in this area. There’s more
people that have problems with this than there are people who
are free.”
The largest number of people in prayer lines are there
because of marriage problems. There are only a precious few
marriages where both partners are totally free, where their
marriage is sin free, and they have holiness in their marriage.
Too few couples are liberated to enjoy each other.
Most of the time, one or both of the partners has some kind
of problem that neither of them wants to talk about. It is not
easy to teach on such a private subject before thousands of
people who have different convictions in this area. But I felt
like the Lord told me, “You had problems and most of your
audience still have problems. No one is better qualified to teach
someone with problems than a person who has had the same
problems and come out of them.”
When our friend Roxane married Paul, she had never been
abused. She never had any serious problems. She grew up in a
right situation and yet she still admitted that she had to tell
herself, “Roxane, this is OK. There’s nothing wrong with sex.
The devil tries to present sex as dirty, but sex was God’s idea.”
 Unless perverted outside of marriage, sexuality is to be holy,
fun, and wholesome. It’s a stress reliever that brings two
people into a closeness that cannot be found in any other way
except through a right relationship in a marriage union.
Unless perverted outside of marriage, sexuality is to be holy,
fun, and wholesome.
If the devil works so hard at perverting something, it’s
because he knows how much power there is in a good sex life.
That is why he works so hard at trying to pervert it and tear
apart couples who are committed to each other. He knows what
the Word says. He heard Jesus say, “Again, I tell you that if
two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will
be done for you by my Father in heaven” (Matthew 18:19 NIV).
Agreement is a powerful weapon of spiritual warfare against
the devil. Two people who are in agreement can cause miracles
to happen. If a husband and wife are in agreement, the devil
comprehends the damage they could do to his own plan to
steal the blessings of God from them. The devil wants to
destroy and pervert sex inside of marriage; he wants to distract
couples away from the bond of agreement that this act was
intended to bring between them. Many couples disagree about
— and even during — sex. But God’s purpose and His truth
need to be brought back into focus. A right godly sexual
relationship between two married people is beautiful, and it is a
weapon against the devil’s plot to destroy.
Sometimes you may even argue over what is right to do and
what is not right. One partner may want to do something with
which the other one does not feel comfortable. How do you
handle that? First, let me say that I certainly don’t have all the
answers, nor do I consider myself an expert, but I will share
what I believe God has shown me.
I don’t believe it is wise to try to force your marriage partner
to go against their conscience. I realize there are probably some
people, usually women, who are extremely shy and overly
conscience-stricken in this area. If that is the case, forcing them
to something with which they are not comfortable is not the
answer. Proper education will help; prayer will help; patience
will help — force will only make it worse.
I cannot give you a list of “do’s” and “do not’s,” but I
would hope that an honest consideration of body parts would
educate us concerning what they are and are not to be used
for. Each couple must follow their own convictions in these
areas. We are to avoid all evil and perversion. Sex is a natural
act; nobody has to be taught how to do it, not even animals.
Let nature take its course, and enjoy each other.

A GODLY ATTITUDE IS A WEAPON OF

WARFARE
Being abused like I was, I didn’t have a very good attitude
towards sex. And even though my physical body would
respond fairly well, my mind, my mentality didn’t want
anything to do with it. There were times when Dave and I might
be lying in bed and he would say, “You don’t ever approach
me.”
I would endure whatever I needed to, but I didn’t participate.
I just sort of lay there like a dead fish. I had the attitude of
“Here I am; do whatever you have to do, but don’t expect me
to get involved.” Unfortunately, many women have this
attitude towards sex, and it is causing a problem in their
marriages.
God wants you to enjoy sex and view it a precious thing
between a husband and his wife. I have learned that even when
I am too tired to enjoy the sex act, I can still greatly enjoy being
close to my husband and giving him pleasure. It is holy in
God’s sight.
At a point of frustration, not wanting to continue to push my
husband away, I asked the Lord, “When am I going to get
anything out of this?”
He replied, “When you decide to put something into it.” It’s
amazing how good God’s answers are to the questions we take
to Him. I wasn’t expecting that answer, but that was what He
told me. “When you decide to put something into it.”
Passivity robs us of many things, including pleasure in our
marriage union. We put off doing the right thing because it
seems too hard or because we get embarrassed. We put off
assertiveness in our marriage relationship because we were
abused. We put it off because we’ve had problems in the past
and we will not take the time to focus on getting well. We will
not get free until we obey God and do what He is telling us to
do.
Because of being forced into sex when I was young, if Dave
ever encouraged me to make love when I didn’t want to, I
believed he was “forcing me.” Dave would never force me, but
any playful attempt on his part to persuade me to change my
mind after I had said “no” would make me almost violently mad.
I would snap at him with, “Stop trying to make me do stuff I
don’t want to do.”
I would get really upset, until God revealed to me that my
emotional reaction was toward my past and that I needed to let
that old stuff die out. God encouraged me to do what I knew I
should do, and not what I felt like doing. I had to let my flesh
be crucified in Christ and accept God’s truth in my life.
When you see what the Word says and do what God is
saying, no matter how hard it is, you will begin to enjoy a
release from the past and a new expectancy for the future.
There were many times when I let my husband make love to me
simply out of obedience to God, and though Dave didn’t know
it, tears were running down my face. I was in agony from trying
to obey God and get rid of the bondage in my soul from the
problems that I had when I was growing up.
When you obey God’s Word no matter how difficult, you will
begin to enjoy a release from the past and a new expectancy
for the future.
There were times when I hurt so bad emotionally in my soul
that I have laid on my office floor and held onto the legs of the
furniture in my room to keep from running away from God. But
obedience brings victory and reward, and I am now here, a
living witness, proof that it pays off to do things God’s way.
I am the proof that if you are willing to do things God’s way,
not only will you be joyous and happy, not only will you be
free and have a successful marriage, but God can use your
testimony just like He is using us to reach out and set
multiplied others free. He will use the right relationship that
you have with Him and with each other to bring life into the
world.
Make the choice to enjoy life. Make the choice to live God’s
plan. He will dry every tear in our eyes and bring joy in the
morning when we are obedient to His ways.
Most likely, your flesh will feel the pain while you are getting
free of old ways of thinking. But hold to something that will
keep you from running away from God. God wouldn’t let me
continue to mistreat Dave while I was in the process of
changing and renewing my mind.
Some people who were abused and mistreated by people in
their past retaliate on their current partner when it was not their
fault. My father was very controlling and manipulative, and he
would get violent if I showed any dislike for what he was
doing. To survive his abuse, I had to pretend that it was
happening to somebody else.
I had taught myself not to mentally participate in the sex act.
Having developed the habit of fantasizing that it wasn’t
happening to me was the only way I knew to engage myself in
intimate moments with Dave. I, Joyce Meyer, couldn’t get
involved. I had to pretend like it was somebody else.
As I grew in knowledge of the Word, God began to convict
me to make the choice to choose life. In one way, getting free is
hard, but in another way, it is easy because God has a
personalized, individual plan for everyone. God knows
infinitely the problems that each person faces and though
everyone’s problems are different, God knows what it will take
to get over them.
The Holy Spirit is ready to help those who call upon the
Lord. If you will simply and systematically agree to obey God,
He will walk you out of every bondage that you have and take
you into a life of freedom. But if you choose not to obey God,
you will never get out of bondage because you can’t get in
enough prayer lines and you can’t get enough counseling to
ever be set free.
If you will simply and systematically obey God, He will walk
you out of every bondage into a life of freedom.
 You have to be willing to listen to God for direction on what
you should do to restore life in your marriage. Shutting out His
voice is adversely affecting your marriage if you are bringing
unholy fantasies into that marriage bed, and your mind needs
to be renewed. God will bring the healing, but the choice to
resist temptations is yours.
When you ask God to set you free, He will start showing
you little changes that you can handle a little bit at a time. But
you will never get free unless you are willing to do what He
tells you to do each step of the way.
For example, once I stopped fantasizing that I was not even
in the room with Dave, the Lord would quicken me with new
suggestions that sound funny to me now, but were major
obstacles to overcome at the time. I always kept my eyes shut
all the time so I wouldn’t see anything. I remember clearly when
the Holy Ghost said to me, “It’s time to open your eyes.” That
step of obedience was hard for me.
I struggled with obedience when the Lord first said, “Now,
you approach Dave. You go and let Dave know that you want
to make love.” Buried way back in the back of my mind was,
this whole act is not right. I was still believing that angels and
the Holy Ghost and everybody else went and hid when we
made love.
We get funny ideas about sex, but I learned to pray my way
through them. I learned to obey God even though tears were
running down my cheeks. Once in a while Dave would catch
me crying and say, “What’s wrong?” I would tell him I was just
trying to obey God but was having a hard time doing so. Dave
respected my willingness to do whatever I needed to do to be
set free.
I remember when the Lord said, “Now, why don’t you leave
the lights on tonight.” And so I would obey God, one thing
after another — I chose to obey God. God has walked me out
of that bondage and into victory and into freedom to enjoy my
sex life.
I’m not positive that I’ll ever be 100 percent the way that I
could have been had I not been abused. There are scars from
abuse, and I don’t know that I can ever completely relate to
what would be 100 percent normal. But I know that I am forever
pressing on to that place of victory. I have enough freedom
that even if I still find some problems, I’m freer than most
people who have never even been abused.

LOVE IS A WEAPON IN WARFARE

I believe that sex between a man and a woman who are
married and love each other — that is, sex — in God’s order, is
spiritual warfare. I don’t know that I can fully explain all that I
believe the Lord has shown me concerning this, but I know
what I have learned through personal experience. He has
shown me several times how making love to my husband can
prevent spiritual attacks that are formed against us. I have seen
it happen enough that I’m getting the fear of God on me about
it. Once you get the fear of God on you about something, it is
easier to obey God because you are also afraid of disobeying.
There are times when I had a desire for Dave, but because of
the poor attitude that I have had toward sex, I would ignore the
prompting and decide that it was “too much trouble” to take
time to be with him. Women probably relate to this response
more than men, but God had to show me that my attitude was
wrong, and obedience to this prompting was not too much
trouble, but that yielding to that drive would save us trouble
through what was coming toward us.
When the desire to be with my husband is present, the Lord
is letting me know that there is a need for Dave and me to come
together. When I don’t respond to this leading, I have felt the
Lord say to me, “If you don’t listen to Me, you are going to
have trouble.” I can make all kinds of excuses, “Oh, God, I
don’t want to tonight. I’m tired; I need to go to sleep. I’m this,
I’m that, I’m something else.” But the Lord will gently prompt
me with warnings not to deprive myself from Dave at that time.
But recently, not too many months prior to this teaching, I can
recall two specific times I chose to ignore clear instruction from
the voice of God and refused to obey His leading.
The very next day, on both occasions where I specifically
felt the Lord had spoken to me in advance, something
happened that was an obvious attack from the enemy. One time
we got in an argument and the other time the devil just
launched a blatant attack in our household. I don’t even
remember all the particulars, but God reminded me of what He
had said to me the night before saying, “I told you.”
Why is it that sex is spiritual warfare?
There’s something powerful in that coming together. It
reseals the marriage covenant and closes the door on the devil.
The devil is full of hatred toward proper lovemaking between a
married couple who love each other. Their union is a holy and a
beautiful thing that drives the devil backward from any
progress he might have been making to separate them.
The lovemaking of a married couple is a holy and beautiful
thing that drives backward any progress the devil might have
made toward separating them.
That is as much as God has shown me so far. When we obey
God we may not see the fiery darts that were shot at us, but
disobedience pays a great price. I have seen the misery that
results from ignoring the gentle leading of God, so I’m
beginning to get the fear of God on me in a positive and
uplifting way concerning this. It is natural to go our own way,
but supernatural power to thwart the enemy comes into our life
when we follow God in His way.
We don’t always have to know the “why” behind
everything that God leads us to do; what we are to do is obey.
I have had times, and you probably have also, when I have felt
led to pray about a certain situation or for someone, and
because I did not think it was a good time, ignored the leading
of the Holy Spirit. I discovered later when trouble came in that
area that I missed an opportunity to divert an attack from Satan
upon me or someone else I knew.
Some may think it is wrong to speak of sex and prayer in the
same breath, but we must remember that God originated sex
and the normal desires that come with it. It is man who has
perverted sex and made it seem ugly and unholy. The book of
Proverbs lists several things that are said to be too wonderful
(to explain), and one of them is … the way of a man with a
maid (Proverbs 30:18,19). We of course should discuss the
subject with great respect and propriety for it is truly a
mysterious secret that was birthed in the heart of God.

HOLY MATRIMONY
Through obedience we can bring holiness back into our
marriages and return to God’s original plan for husbands and
wives. When you study covenants that God blessed
throughout the Bible, you will see that a godly promise was
always sealed with the shedding of blood. There is a blood
covenant that takes place between a man and woman when
they first consummate their marriage. The woman’s hymen is
broken during the first time she has intercourse and blood is
shed to seal the vow of purity between them. How precious it
is for a woman to be a virgin on her wedding day and be able to
stand before her husband and her Lord with evidence of the
shed blood to prove her faithfulness.
I wasn’t a virgin when I married Dave, but those who
suffered abuse and previous broken marriages, as I did, can
come under the same covenant promise through the shed
Blood of Jesus. We who suffered bad choices and impositions
can stand before the Lord and our husbands and say, “Not by
my might or power, but by the Spirit of the Lord, I make a
covenant with you as we enter holy matrimony in the eyes of
God.” (See Zechariah 4:6.)
We can pray Psalm 54:1 (NIV):
Save me, O God, by your name; vindicate me by your might.
The Blood of Jesus cleanses us of all sin and His Name
empowers us to live a justified life in God. There is still a
shedding of blood that makes a covenant between marriage
partners and God’s blessing.
When a covenant is made, it is a promise to share ownership
of all that one possesses with the other one. With God in this
promise our inheritance is rich. When non-believers look upon
such a marriage and see the glory of God’s presence uniting
the two believers, they will be drawn to the light that surrounds
that blessed couple. People will say “My, what a good God
you serve. How can we know Him, too?”
No wonder the devil tries to pervert this covenant plan of
God.
 11
IS THERE A NICER WAY TO
SAY THAT?
The words of the wicked lie in wait for blood, but the
speech of the upright rescues them.
Proverbs 12:6 NIV

Verbal communication is important between two people who

are trying to build a strong relationship. If people don’t
develop good communication skills, problems can be provoked
through simple misunderstandings between couples. There are
various types of communication that need to be developed
between couples to establish healthy relationships.
Some communication is simply for the purpose of sharing
information that both parties need to know. Clear information
saves a lot of confusion and a lot of misunderstanding. We ask
our employees all the time to communicate, communicate,
communicate. It’s amazing what a mess can take place in an
office when somebody doesn’t bother to tell somebody else
what they were doing or what they weren’t going to do. The
same need for communicating information is needed for
responsibilities that are shared at home.
Some people seem to live in their own little world, unaware of
the need to pass information on to others. Perhaps they don’t
realize how much information affects the plans of other people
with whom they live and work, but it is selfish to continue to
ignore the need for information that others have. Clear
communication keeps down confusion and many
misunderstandings.
How difficult is it for a wife to simply say, “Oh, honey, did
you remember that Johnny’s ball game is tonight and that we
need to be there at six o’clock?” That is far better than to wait
until a father gets home from work only to find that he has to
rush off suddenly, when he may have anticipated a chance to
relax or had planned to finish some work after dinner. It is even
worse for him to come home late and find that his wife and
child are gone and he can’t recall where either of them might
be.
Communication includes the art of leaving little reminders
here and there to help others achieve the goals that are
important to them. Reminders are always more pleasant than
regrets of missing important deadlines.
“Remember now, you need to go to the bank today.”
“Remember now, I need you to do this.”
“Now, remember, I’m going to be half an hour late getting
home tonight so …”
“Remember, it’s our anniversary this Friday and we are
going out to dinner …”
Just a few informative, little words of communication can do
a great work in building a healthy relationship.
Presumption and assumption cause strife in marriage. Which
of the following two statements is the nicer way of sharing
information?
Just a few informative, little words of communication can do a
great work in building a healthy relationship.
“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you, I am going to go out with the
guys tonight. I was sure you wouldn’t mind.” Or, “The guys
would like to go bowling tonight if it won’t interfere with any
plans we have. Is there anything you were wanting to do or is
it OK to tell them to count me in?” While the first approach
might hurt her feelings, the second approach is so considerate
it might even inspire her to change her plans if she sees that
another night will still work for what she had planned.

THE FELLOWSHIP OF
COMMUNICATION
Some communication simply enhances fellowship and takes
place by just talking together. When you share both your most
intimate hopes and hesitations with each other, you build a
mutual trust and admiration that bond you together. You don’t
have an agenda or talk about anything intense; you just need
time for a friendly exchange of ideas and conversation. Sharing
information is more like talking at each other, while fellowship
is talking to each other.
Couples need to appropriate time on a regular basis to sit
down and share some face-to-face fellowship when they can
converse with each other without distractions. What they
share with each other doesn’t have to be any great
earthshaking news. But the gift of undivided attention fills the
craving left by loneliness that two people living in the same
house can sometimes feel.
Sometimes I’ll tell Dave, “Just come in here, and sit down
with me while we have a cup of coffee.” Or, when we have both
been busy all morning and have been apart from each other I
will find him and say, “Let’s take a break and go get a coffee.”
Dave and I are together all the time, working at the same place,
traveling together, and yet we still need to spend time just
talking together. We understand the difference in talking at
each other and talking to each other. Sometimes we need to
communicate just for the fellowship.
If you really want to have good lines of communication to
remain open between you and your spouse, then take an
interest in your mate’s interests. Adapting to whatever your
spouse is interested in is a way to build fellowship and find
common topics to “just talk” about together. I believe that if
you show an interest as unto the Lord that God will give you a
true desire for it.
One of my daughters goes to the car races with her husband.
This is not a sport she would naturally love. But she’s adapted
to what her husband likes to do and even looks forward to
spending this kind of time with her husband. My other
daughter works out at the gym with her husband because that
was something that he enjoyed when they first married.
I used to get unhappy because I thought Dave never wanted
to “just talk.” I would pout about it and rehearse, “We don’t
ever talk. We don’t ever talk.” The Lord interrupted me one
day, saying, “You don’t ever want to talk to Dave about
anything he’s interested in. You only want people to talk to
you about what you are interested in. That’s selfishness.”
Dave loves sports, and I don’t know anything about sports.
I adapted and learned to play golf, and I like saying that I’m
even pretty good at it, too. Years ago, Dave taught me how to
play right. I have a pretty good golf swing and enjoy a decent
chance to keep up with the guys. I learned that I enjoyed what
Dave was interested in after all. If you are willing to adapt to
something, God can cause you to enjoy the very thing you
thought you were not interested in.
I adapted to golf, but I honestly can’t handle football. I tried,
but I cannot keep track of who has the ball. It takes forever to
get two inches down the field! They throw the ball to
somebody, pile on top of each other, and then go through the
whole thing again. Believing that I am finally getting the idea of
the game, I start rooting for someone and Dave says, “He
doesn’t even have the ball!” At that point, I go find a good
book to read while Dave watches the rest of the game.
Sometimes I listen to my husband when he talks to our friend
Paul or son David. They just converse on and on, and I think,
Well, why don’t you ever talk to me? But if I want him to talk to
me, then I have to be willing to talk about some of the things
he’s interested in and not just expect him to talk only about the
things that interest me.
Recently I have started asking Dave a few questions about
the sports he enjoys. I don’t have to ask many questions
before he is willing to talk to me for a long time. I can provoke a
lot of conversation with just one simple question such as,
“When does the baseball season begin?” Ask God to show
you what your partner is interested in and how to ask
questions to show your interest in your partner. You will be
sowing good seeds that will cause your spouse to want to talk
to you about things that interest you.
Besides, listening and sharing interests is a way of showing
respect. Respect your spouse enough to take an interest in
what they enjoy as a loving act of giving yourself away to
them. When you converse for fellowship, both talking and
listening are required. Practice giving your spouse your
undivided attention as often as you can. Talk about things he
is interested in.

PROBLEM-SOLVING
SKILLS
Don’t use this time of fellowship to challenge and provoke
your partner. Galatians 5:26 says not to challenge and provoke
others. The quickest way to close communication lines with
someone is to challenge them.
We have a young grandson who is at the stage of growth
when he challenges almost everything anyone says. He
frequently says to another who is talking to him, “No, that is
not the way it is!” That kind of a challenge is irritating even
coming from a child, so imagine how irritating it is from an adult
who is supposed to know better and be educated in how to
treat other people.
There are times to challenge a person or to offer a differing
opinion, but it certainly should not be done frequently or over
insignificant matters.
As I mentioned earlier, communication consists of more than
words. Voice tone, facial expressions, and body language
reinforce the emphasis we place on what we say. I read once
that 37 percent of communication is words and 63 percent is
voice tone, facial expression, and body language. In reference
again to our sexual relationship, for example, when Dave
playfully comments that we need to find time to be alone
together, I might say yes but convey through my body
language that I wanted nothing to do with his suggestion by
showing no further interest.
Communication consists of more than words. Voice tone,
facial expressions, and body language reinforce the emphasis
we place on what we say.
One of the main reasons why people don’t communicate well
is because they have had bad experiences when trying to
express their point. Many times those unsuccessful
experiences have resulted from poor timing and insensitivity to
God’s leading. Learn to wait until you sense the presence of
God preparing the heart of the person with whom you need to
communicate.
Timing is extremely important in good communication. If you
start talking to someone who sighs and looks away it is fair to
assume they don’t want to hear what you have to say or they
are too distracted to pay attention to you at that time. We can
cause ourselves trouble by not picking the right time to speak.
Timing is extremely important in good communication.
Ecclesiastes 3:7 says there’s a time to speak and a time to be
silent. There’s a time to talk about a problem and there’s a time
to leave it alone. That doesn’t mean that you should never talk
about it, but you should look for the right time to discuss the
topic on your heart if you want it to be received with a fair
evaluation.
THE TIME FOR SILENCE
• Keep silent when you are angry.
I have learned the best time to discuss a problem is not
when I’m mad. When anger is present is not a good time
to try to work out a solution to a problem.
• Keep silent when you are tired.
The best time to try to discuss a problem is not when
everybody’s tired and worn out.
• Keep silent when you are under unusual duress.
The best time to try to discuss a problem is not when there’s
already stress coming at you from five or six other areas.
Choose a time when you feel the leading of the Holy Ghost
opening the moment to express your needs. I have always been
the kind of person who wants to settle an issue as soon as I
notice it. I don’t have any problem confronting people about
our differences. My problem has always been in trying to wait
for God’s timing to solve a problem.
I have been in trouble enough times from communicating the
wrong way at the wrong time that I am now choosing to wisely
plan confrontation instead of quickly reacting as soon as I see
the need of it. In the past, as soon as a problem appeared I
would want to sit down and talk about it right then and there. I
wanted to get the issue out in the open, get it over with, talk
about it, and not let anyone leave until the problem was solved.
I have finally learned to pray first, saying, “God, is this the
right time?” A lot of times He will say, “No.” I still react to the
shock of having to wait until God says, “Now you can say it.”
People who are quick to confront others get themselves into
a lot of trouble by just barreling into issues without waiting for
God’s timing. Those people with a strong personality are not
inclined to put up with very much. If anything happens around
you that doesn’t seem right, or just, or fair, or the way it should
be, they immediately jump to make everything right again. They
tell everybody the right way something ought to be done.
Problems result when all of this is done without God’s leading.

A TIME TO SPEAK UP
Some people are such peace lovers that they will do
anything to keep from causing a disturbance, even by allowing
things to continue that they know God is telling them to
confront. These individuals are like lambs who would rather
resist any and all disputes. These lambs are so laid back and
passive in their nature that the Holy Ghost has to prompt them
to take a stand.
Then there are individuals who tear into confrontation with
lion-like ferocity. These “lions” are the people who counter
others in fleshly zeal, and woe be it if they decide to confront
one of the timid lambs who are too shy or fear-based to defend
themselves in danger. The lions actually stalk out their next
victim of dissent.
Examine yourself to see if you are a lion or a lamb. If you
generally don’t want to discuss things and you don’t want to
deal with issues, then you are going to have to obediently
speak up if God says to, whether you want to or not. If you
automatically confront, then you will have to practice leaving
things alone until God tells you if or when to pick them up
again. Some people have to be pushed forward by the Holy
Spirit, and then lion personalities, like me, have to be pulled
backward.
Nearly half of the people in any given conference respond
when I ask people to raise their hands if they are laid back
individuals who would rather forget about problems than to
deal with anything that might lead to an argument. The other
half admit that they are more likely to jump right into the
situation without a second thought. Of course, with half a room
full of people who love confrontation and half a room full of
those who despise it, many of them are married to each other.
Tragedy comes when one person always wants to confront
and the other one is afraid of confrontation. Then the one who
wants to talk all the time complains to the one who doesn’t,
“You never talk to me.” The one who doesn’t talk thinks it is
because the other one never shuts up! What we all need is
balance and a commitment to be Spirit-led, not fleshled.
Everyone needs to confront issues in their life and yet
neither lions nor lambs emulate Christ’s example of making
peace if they are out of balance. We are to be imitators of God
as a light for unbelievers to see their way to the kingdom of
God because they desire the life we live. One of the hardest
characteristics of Jesus to imitate is His ability to be that lion-
hearted Lamb. When confrontation was needed, Jesus always
firmly followed through with love.
I want to have the humility that is manifested in Christ. We
are to imitate His gentleness and meekness and still deal with
certainty with whatever needs to be solved. As the leaders of a
large ministry, we have to deal with conflicting situations all
the time. I used to wish we could have at least one week where
we didn’t have to deal with something. Dave and I finally
understand that we will always have to deal with things, but we
want to confront issues in a godly way.
Conflict is part of everyone’s life. How we deal with conflict
is important. The more I have studied the Word, the more I
have understood why Jesus is called the Lion of the tribe of
Judah. It means that He had a strength that was characteristic
to a lion that caused Him to deal with things in a majestic way,
and yet He’s also called the Lamb of God.
The characteristics of the lion are totally different from those
of the lamb, yet the Lord is recognized as having both qualities.
Someone gave us a picture of a lion and a lamb lying down
together, and it reminds me that I’m supposed to be a good,
godly mixture of both qualities. I never had any trouble with
the lion part, but I had a lot of trouble with the lamb part. When
we need to communicate with someone, especially concerning
confrontational issues, we should first pray for God’s grace
and mercy to anoint us as lion-hearted lambs. Then we should
wait until we have balance in our perspective and approach.
Hasty words spoken without giving any thought to them
often cause tremendous trouble. Ecclesiastes 5:2 says, Be not
rash with your mouth, and let not your heart be hasty to utter
a word before God. … I believe we should not only be careful
with our words to people, but also with our thoughts before
God. There have been many times when I have thought out
how I would handle a situation, and God has let me know that
is not how He wants me to handle it. We should form a habit of
asking the Lord what He would do before we do any speaking
or planning about confrontation.
Hasty words spoken without giving any thought to them often
cause tremendous trouble.
 It is very easy to jump to conclusions, but Paul said in 1
Corinthians 4:5, So do not make any hasty or premature
judgments before the time when the Lord comes [again], for
He will both bring to light the secret things that are [now
hidden] in darkness and disclose and expose the [secret]
aims (motives and purposes) of hearts. … We should give God
time to “come” into a situation with His wisdom and knowledge
before we hastily make our own decisions. Only the Lord
knows what is in a person’s heart, and He judges according to
that, not only according to what He sees and hears. Abiding
by these principles has helped me in a major way in my
relationship with Dave and, I am sure, prevented countless
arguments.
The Bible says, Be well balanced (temperate, sober of
mind), be vigilant and cautious at all times; for that enemy of
yours, the devil roams around like a lion roaring [in fierce
hunger], seeking someone to seize upon and devour (1 Peter
5:8). If we are not well balanced, our adversary, the devil, may
find an opportunity to devour us.
Jesus demonstrated the balance between a lion and a lamb
that we too need to emulate. In Revelation 5:5, Jesus is
depicted as the Lion of Judah, Then one of the elders [of the
heavenly Sanhedrin] said to me, Stop weeping! See the Lion
of the tribe of Judah, the Root, (Source) of David, has won
(has overcome and conquered)! He can open the scroll and
break its seven seals.
Then in verse 6, the very next verse the Word refers to Jesus
as the Lamb, saying, And there between the throne and the
four living creatures (ones, beings) and among the elders [of
the heavenly Sanhedrin] I saw a Lamb standing, as though it
had been slain, with seven horns and seven eyes, which are
the seven Spirits of God [the sevenfold Holy Spirit] Who have
been sent [on duty far and wide] into all the earth.
Throughout the New Testament, we see Jesus acting in two
contrasting ways. He confronted the moneychangers in the
temple, overthrowing their tables and firmly demonstrating
God’s will to all those who watched Him. He said to them, “The
Scripture says, My house shall be called a house of prayer;
but you have made it a den of robbers” (Matthew 21:13). Yet in
other places, we see Jesus standing falsely accused, without
speaking one word in His own defense.
So what are we to learn from His communication patterns?
He was a lion when He needed to be and yet always a lamb —
He never sinned or failed to be excellent in speech. It’s a
challenge not to defend yourself when someone comes against
you. It’s difficult to ignore insults and shun retaliation.
Isaiah 53:7, says of Jesus, He was oppressed, [yet when] He
was afflicted, He was submissive and He opened not His
mouth; like a lamb that is led to the slaughter, and as a sheep
before her shearers is dumb, so He opened not His mouth.
Sometimes I find that one of the hardest things God has
asked us to do is to be Christ-like in our communication with
others. When somebody is rude and tells you off, mistreats or
insults you, it is hard to just stand there and look at them with
godly love and just wait on God.
Thank God, He gives us the power to change and to become
like Christ. I still feel the reaction of my old nature sometimes,
but more and more I am learning self-control. The key to
improvement is to learn to confront when God says to confront
and to leave an issue alone when God says to leave it alone.
Learn to confront when God says to confront and to leave an
issue alone when God says to leave it alone.
Our old nature reacts to conflict with:
“Let me straighten you out!”
“You are not going to treat me that way.”
“I don’t have to put up with that.”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Who do you think you’re talking to?”
Sometimes we even throw Scripture at them: “Touch not
God’s anointed.” (1 Samuel 26:23.) But when Jesus was
afflicted, He was submissive. God did not release Him to say
anything, so He kept His mouth shut and took the blame for us.
Matthew 18:15 depicts that, “If your brother offends you, go
to him privately and show him his fault.” Confrontation is not a
public affair. Most of the time confrontation should be done
privately.
Galatians 6, verses 1-5, explains how to approach
confrontation through the love of God. Realizing that we have
plenty of faults of our own, we are to be humble about the fact
that we too can fall into the same faults that we want to criticize
others for having. We are to be gentle in our approach with the
purpose to build the other person’s understanding of God’s
intense love for them, not to tear down his or her self-esteem.
Read these verses while carefully giving thought to the way
you have handled confrontations in the past or have planned
to do so in the future.
Brethren, if any person is overtaken in misconduct or sin
of any sort, you who are spiritual [who are responsive to
and controlled by the Spirit] should set him right and
restore and reinstate him, without any sense of
superiority and with all gentleness, keeping an attentive
 eye on yourself, lest you should be tempted also.
Bear (endure, carry) one another’s burdens and
troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and
observe perfectly the law of Christ (the Messiah) and
complete what is lacking [in your obedience to it].
For if any person thinks himself to be somebody [too
important to condescend to shoulder another’s load]
when he is nobody [of superiority except in his own
estimation], he deceives and deludes and cheats himself.
But let every person carefully scrutinize and examine and
test his own conduct and his own work. He can then have
the personal satisfaction and joy of doing something
commendable [in itself alone] without [resorting to]
boastful comparison with his neighbor.
For every person will have to bear (be equal to
understanding and calmly receive) his own [little] load
[of oppressive faults].
Before confronting each other, we have learned to pray and
wait for God to confirm the need and the timing. Then, a key to
godly confrontation when we feel that we are to bring
something to each other’s attention is to begin by saying,
“Look, I know that I have plenty of faults myself. I know that I
do plenty wrong myself. But this is something that I believe
God wants me to share with you.” Humility and love express
conflict in a totally different way than when we arrogantly
stand before somebody with our list of everything that’s
wrong with them.
 12
YOU NEED WHAT?
… For whatever a man sows, that and that only is what he
will reap. For he who sows to his own flesh (lower nature,
sensuality) will from the flesh reap decay and ruin and
destruction, but he who sows to the Spirit will from the
Spirit reap eternal life.
Galatian 6:7,8

Everyone needs stability emotionally, spiritually, mentally,

and even verbally. We want to be assured that words spoken
are sincere, that they will be followed through with action when
needed. Words spoken are promises, and promises should not
be broken. Our spouses need the same reassurance that we
desire. The Spirit of God has promised to return to us whatever
we sow in other people’s lives. The desire to be involved with
stable people is fulfilled when we give to others what we expect
them to give to us. A stable foundation in our life and
surroundings gives us confidence to face the trials that come
against us.
My husband has always been very stable; therefore, I
always know I can count on him in times of difficulty to remain
the same as he is in good times. His moods do not fluctuate —
neither do his decisions or confession. I grew up in a very
unstable environment, and Dave’s stability is part of what God
has used to bring healing to my life. When we become like God
in our actions toward others, then He can use us to bring to
them healing and restoration. Jesus is the same, yesterday,
today and forever (Hebrews 13:8); He is the Rock on which we
firmly stand (see Psalm 62:1,2,5-7) — we should all strive for
that same stability to manifest through us. Stability releases a
sense of security, something everyone needs and desires,
especially women.
We are encouraged by God’s Word to look for every
occasion and opportunity to do good to all people (this
includes our mates), not only by being useful and profitable to
them, but also by doing what is for their spiritual good and
advantage. We are to be especially mindful to those in the
family of God with us. (Galatians 6:10.)
The sacrifice we are called to through marriage has a promise
of great return attached to our obedience to it. For some reason
women always enjoy hearing what the Bible says men are
supposed to do for their wives. Likewise, men sit up straight
and pay close attention when I talk to women about the way
they should treat their husbands. But God’s Word validates
that if we each continue doing right. He will reward us by a
harvest of righteousness from all the seeds we planted first. So
we should listen to what God tells us individually rather than
pay so much attention to how our spouse is supposed to treat
us.
One of the basic needs of women is security, while men
instinctively need significance.
Bottom line, one of the basic needs of women is security,
while men instinctively need significance. Both of these needs
can be more readily fulfilled by their spouses than by
themselves. A woman seeks security to know that her needs
will be taken care of financially, physically, and through
whatever surprises might come her way. One day, the
electricity suddenly went out in one portion of our house. It
makes me feel secure to know that Dave will take care of those
things I would not know how to correct.
The main thing that a man wants out of a marriage
relationship is significance. He wants to feel important, and this
basic desire is influenced by God. It is not wrong for a man to
want significance in his life.
Let’s read 1 Peter 3:1:
In like manner, you married women, be submissive to
your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being
secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt
yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the
Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion
but by the [godly] lives of their wives.
I used to work at trying to win over Dave with my words. As
I realized through the Word that a lot of discussions would not
change Dave, I learned to pay more attention to trying to make
my own behavior more godly. Instead of changing Dave, I was
to reinforce his sense of significance.
That’s exactly what the Word says, that a woman should
respect and reverence her husband. In other words, everything
that a woman does should make her husband feel as though he
is the most important thing in her whole life. That need is built
into the heart and godly ego of men. If a wife can make her
husband feel his importance in her life, it seems to supercharge
him to want to find ways to take care of her needs.
Satan does not want couples to reinforce each other in a
marriage. He whispers deception into the hearts of wives,
“Don’t submit; you deserve to have things your own way.
Don’t give in or adapt to him. Look at your husband who is
doing his own thing all the time. He doesn’t even know what
‘cleave’ means. He married you, threw you in a house with a
couple of kids and then took off, He’s gone all the time doing
his own thing.”
When a woman listens to the devil, she has been set up for a
fight as soon as her husband comes home. She fights all
evening, goes to sleep mad, and sometimes the fight continues
for years. As she remains open to the devil’s lies, she finds it
more difficult to talk to her husband and misses out on the
relationship that God intended her to have.
God wants to help couples with marriage problems and work
with those who have good marriages to make them even better.
How married couples treat each other is important to God. Men
are to love their wives and treat them with respect. He is to be
considerate of her needs and to think about what she needs
and what she might want. Wives are to make their husbands
feel significant. They are to make their husbands feel important
and treat them the way they in turn want to be treated.
Do we want our marriages to be triumphs or tragedies? If
you want to be the queen in your home, treat your husband
like the king. If men want to be the king in their homes, they
should treat their wives like queens. Obviously, Satan’s desire
is that they all become tragedies. But I believe we can prevent
tragedy and find healing for the differences that work to
destroy us.
Most people get married without knowing what God expects
them to do for their spouses. Many individuals have never
read what God’s Word has to say about filling the needs of
each other in marriage. Their marriage may have been inspired
by some physical or emotional attraction to the other person,
then they “tie the knot” and Satan quickly begins to use their
ignorance of God’s intentions against them.
We usually follow the examples that have been placed in
front of us prior to our own marriage and, in many cases, that
example has been a bad one. If a young man has never
witnessed his father giving affection to his mother, chances are
he won’t know how to give it to his wife. If she, on the other
hand, grew up in a family in which the father gave a lot of
affection to her mother, she will naturally expect the same. She
will be quite devastated when she does not get it.
As I already mentioned, my father always got his own way
through becoming angry and staying that way until everyone
submitted to him. Because the way my father acted was the
only way I had seen people get what they wanted, I followed
that example until I learned to pray and trust God to bring into
my life what He knew was right for me.
We can only do what we know to do. The Bible says that
people perish for a lack of knowledge. (Hosea 4:6.) Many
marriages are perishing because people are not educated in
how to gain and maintain good, godly relationships.
With all the information available today anyone can get
educated in any subject. All they need to do is apply
themselves to studying in the particular area needed. We can’t
blame anyone else for our failures if we lazily refuse to do our
part. Whatever your particular problem is, turn it into a college
course. Study, ponder, pray, reflect, think, read, search until
you have all the answers you need for victory. Don’t sit by idly
while Satan destroys your marriage. Stand your ground and
fight for what is yours.
Many marriages are perishing because people are not
educated in how to gain and maintain good, godly
relationships.
Often people marry hoping that the other person can make
them happy. But marriage must be looked at from the viewpoint
of giving, not getting. When each partner fully gives
themselves over to thinking about what they can do for their
partner, then in that process of giving, they will get everything
that they want in return and more besides.
The Bible says, … It is more blessed to give than to receive
(Acts 20:35 KJV). It takes most of our lifetime to get around to
believing that. We stay busy trying to get somebody to do
something for us, don’t we?
You may have noticed that I keep saying the same thing in
different parts of the book about having a mindset to do for
others instead of always expecting them to do for you. I am
saying it over and over in various ways because it is probably
the single most important principle that contributes to making
any relationship work. It takes us right back to what we have
called the “golden rule” in God’s Word — Do to others as you
would have them do to you (Luke 6:31 NIV).
The world does to others whatever they want to do to them,
and obviously the world’s ways are not working. Give away
what you would want, and you will always be amply supplied.
Hebrews 13, verse 4, says, Let marriage be held in honor
(esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and especially dear)
in all things. … Many couples in the world aren’t even getting
married anymore; they just live together thinking that if it
doesn’t work out, they won’t have to spend the money to get a
divorce.
 There are actually generations of people who have never
heard that God said it was wrong for unmarried men and
women to live together. They have never even heard that
marriage in God’s eyes is an honorable institution where He
can bless them and make something of eternal benefit happen
between them. I hear people talking openly about living
together with no shame or embarrassment about it at all. They
have convinced themselves that it makes more sense to try
living together first to see if they like it before making a real
commitment. That theory may make sense to the human mind,
but God does not approve of it, and anything He does not
approve of ultimately will not work.
To God, marriage is a covenant — a covenant relationship.
And in God’s eyes, covenants are not ever to be broken.
Coming into a covenant relationship with somebody literally
means that everything you have available becomes theirs and
everything they have becomes yours.
As believers in Christ, we have a covenant relationship with
God, and we need what He has! I didn’t have much to offer
God, but God gave me enough of His strength to make up for
all of my weaknesses. Likewise, the marriage is to visibly reflect
the benefits of our invisible covenant with God. So, the first
blessing of a good marriage begins with honoring the marriage
relationship and being willing to give what we have to our
spouse.
Born again and Spirit-filled people are getting divorced after
many years of marriage. After I learned of at least twenty of
these situations happening within a year’s time, I asked the
Lord, “What is going on? These are people who know the
Word! They know that divorce is not Your will for them! And
yet they’re just doing it anyway! What is going on, God?”
 I heard the Lord speak to me in my heart, and I don’t think I
have ever heard Him sound like this. His voice was sad, and He
said, “Joyce, My people are not using wisdom.” The Lord
preached a whole message to me in that one sentence.
Honor is missing in our society today. Even thirty years ago,
men put high regard in honor. If something wasn’t honorable,
you just didn’t do it. Godly principles are being stripped from
society. There are generations of people who have never been
taught the importance of keeping their word. But those of us
who have the privilege of being in a relationship with Jesus
Christ and have understood the Word of God, can learn and do
what is right. We can have wonderful, strong, and powerful
marriages. But we must use wisdom.
Satan always begins tempting somebody by lying to them.
He begins through little suggestions — a little temptation here
and a little temptation there. But if the temptations are
entertained, they will progress into real sins. I remember a
young girl who worked for us in the very early days of our
ministry. She had problems with insecurity and, though we
didn’t know it at the time, she had occasionally become
inappropriately involved with men. She started bringing donuts
to one of the married men who worked for us. Every morning
she continued to give him this special attention.
It didn’t take me very long before I said, “Hold it! If that man
needs a donut, his wife can send him to work with donuts. He
doesn’t need you carrying him donuts. If you are going to
bring donuts, you bring them for everybody at the office and
not just for one man!”
The man, of course, liked the attention she was giving him.
Evil spirits work on people through little flirtations. They say,
“I’m going to make you feel good about yourself.” But we are
called to use wisdom! Don’t think that you can play with fire
and not get burned! If we need to be built up, we should go to
our spouse for reinforcement and resist security and
significance from other sources.
If your spouse will not or does not know how to reinforce
and encourage you, then get what you need from God or your
mother or another friend, but under no circumstances should
anyone allow themselves to be drawn into Satan’s trap of
adultery. We all know countless people who have been caught
up in an adulterous affair who always say, “I never meant for
this to happen.” If they never meant for it to happen, then why
did it? It happened because one thing led to another and,
before they knew what was happening, it was too late. Their
emotions were in control instead of the wisdom of God.
When we follow wisdom, our lives are blessed, and when we
don’t, they are destroyed. That is the bottom line, and I am a
bottom-line person. I have found living that way is much better
than living with my head in the clouds somewhere, not facing
the reality that will eventually chase me down and force me into
a confrontation anyway.
When we follow wisdom, our lives are blessed, and when we
don’t, they are destroyed.
Some people may not even know that the devil is real!
Twenty-five years ago I didn’t understand the reality of the
devil as my enemy. I didn’t know about demon principalities
and powers. I didn’t know that there were spirits that would get
on people and try to lure other people into sinful relationships.
We must use wisdom against the enemy. Nothing will
change without wisdom. We use wisdom in our ministry that
some people say is a little strict, but we do not let one of our
male and female employees get in the car and go somewhere
together. If they have to go somewhere on business, we will
spend the money to take somebody else off their job and put
them in the car with them, rather than let the two of them go
together.
When I’m out preaching in different places, Dave will not let
another man pick me up at the hotel unless a woman is with
him. It’s not because Dave doesn’t trust me. We just don’t feel
that traveling alone is wisdom, even if it is simply to avoid the
appearance of evil to someone who may see us and wonder
why we were together.
There are countless ways we can avoid evil simply by using
wisdom. I recall one time when a male friend of Dave’s started
telling me how pretty he thought I was and how he wished his
wife looked like me. I immediately sensed trouble! So instead of
hiding it from my husband and secretly enjoying this man’s
compliments thinking they wouldn’t hurt anything, I went to
Dave and told him what was said and that I did not feel
comfortable with it. We decided to pray and then if it ever
happened again, Dave would talk to him. The prayer worked,
and we never had another incident. Obviously Satan knew from
my reaction it was not going to work, so he aborted his plan.
We need to be smart enough to abort Satan’s plan, rather than
allowing him to abort God’s plan for our life by drawing us into
sinful relationships that can only end in disaster.
We need to be smart enough to abort Satan’s plan, rather
than allowing him to abort God’s plan for our life.
Let me emphasize one more time: You cannot play with fire
and not get burned.
GIVE YOUR SPOUSE
SECURITY
If, for example, you and your spouse are in relationship with
another couple and your personality and the other man’s
personality match up well, you may just like to talk when you
get together as a foursome. But if you find yourself not
wanting to spend a lot of time with the others and prefer to sit
apart by yourselves to talk, you may be headed for trouble. Be
careful! I’m not saying that you can’t talk to anybody — just
don’t get out of balance.
A good marriage does not just happen. I don’t care how
wildly in love you were when you got married, if you don’t
continue to work at your marriage, by paying attention to the
needs of your spouse on a regular basis, your marriage will get
in trouble. Your relationship will get stagnant. You’ll get tired
of each other. You will lose the excitement in your marriage,
blaming your spouse when all along you were neglecting him.
Marriages decay and fall apart, but it doesn’t happen
overnight. It’s almost always a result of people just not using
wisdom. You won’t have a good marriage if you don’t spend
time together. If you don’t learn how to respect one another
and care for each other’s basic needs, you will definitely have
serious problems.
There’s no better relationship between people than through
a great marriage, but there’s no greater pain in a relationship
than the disappointment found in a bad marriage. Do whatever
you can do to make your marriage not just passable, but
excellent. God’s blessing on marriage is that through trying to
make your partner happy, you will end up being happy
yourself.
Proverbs, chapter 7, shows that wisdom is to learn what the
Word says to do, then do it. If we are having problems in our
marriage, wisdom says that nothing will change if we don’t
change our approach to it. Wisdom may tell us to stop doing
some things that we are doing, and to start doing some things
we don’t want to do. We have to be willing to change.
I heard a great definition for insanity — it is when we do the
same thing, the same way, expecting different results. Going to
a marriage seminar or simply reading a book will not change
one thing in your home if God convicts you of disobedience in
an area and you don’t change what you are doing.
Learn to respond quickly if God prompts you with:
“Hey, that point is for you!”
“Your problem is a poor attitude!”
“You are in rebellion!”
“You are not spending enough time with your spouse.”
The Word is like the prod of the shepherd’s staff. When the
sheep get out of line, the shepherd comes along and taps the
lamb to get her back in line. That’s exactly what the Word does
to us. God’s Spirit keeps us in line with the Word of God.
Know what to do and then know to do it.
It might interest you to know that while I was doing the final
edit on this book, which required me to read it, I was convicted
by my own book of a few things I teach others that I have let
slip myself. They are things that I know to do, but have gotten
lazy in doing them. We all need the prod of God’s Word to
keep us on the narrow path that leads to life. It had been a long
time since I had played golf with Dave because I have been
busy, but after reading this book I decided to rearrange my
schedule and make having fun with my husband a priority.
When I asked Dave if he wanted me to play golf with him the
next day, his eyes lit up, and he sounded very pleased and
excited. Because I have sown seed with the intention of making
him happy, I already know that he will go out of his way to
make me even happier than I already am.
Follow the leading and promptings of the Holy Spirit — He
is always trying to lead you into blessings.
Follow the leading and promptings of the Holy Spirit — He is
always trying to lead you into blessings.
When God speaks, it is natural to look for an easy way out
other than to sacrifice self-will and pride to obey. We cry in
panic saying, “I don’t want to suffer. I don’t want to be
uncomfortable. I don’t want to have to give anything up. I just
want my marriage to be better. Gee, I hope I can find a prayer
line where someone is laying on hands to make marriages
better.”
But you can have hands laid on you until you don’t have
any hair left on your head, and nothing is going to change if
you don’t go home and make some changes!
Read Proverbs 7:1-5,
My son, keep my words; lay up within you my
commandments [for use when needed] and treasure them.
Keep my commandments and live, and keep my law and
teaching as the apple (the pupil) of your eye.
Bind them on your fingers; write them on the tablet of
your heart.
Say to skillful and godly Wisdom, You are my sister, and
 regard understanding or insight as your intimate friend
—
That they may keep you from the loose woman, from the
adventuress who flatters with and makes smooth her
words.
We are to keep wisdom around us all the time, embracing it
as a sister and seeking understanding or insight as an intimate
friend. Wisdom promises to keep us from loose people who are
intent on bringing destruction to our lives.
Verse 21 speaks of the recognizable patterns of temptation:
With much justifying and enticing argument she persuades
him, with the allurements of her lips she leads him [to
overcome his conscience and his fears] and forces him along.
How many people could stay out of trouble if they just paid
attention to their conscience? We know this “loose woman” is
specifically speaking about a woman trying to draw a man into
sexual sin, but I believe it can also represent other things, like
the temptation to sit around and watch too many television
shows when your conscience is telling you to turn the
television off and spend some time with your family. Sometimes
we force our spouses into temptations by leaving them alone
to find their own excitement and to cheer themselves up
without our help.
God gives wisdom to anyone who asks for it. He will put in
our heart a consciousness of what is right. To have good
marriages, we have to do what our heart tells us, not just what
we want all the time.
Proverbs 7:22-27 continues to explain the destructive goal of
temptation.
Suddenly he [yields and] follows her reluctantly like an
 ox moving to the slaughter, like one in fetters going to
the correction [to be given] to a fool or like a dog
enticed by food to the muzzle Till a dart [of passion]
pierces and inflames his vitals; then like a bird fluttering
straight into the net [he hastens], not knowing that it
will cost him his life.
Listen to me now therefore, O you sons, and be attentive
to the words of my mouth.
Let not your heart incline toward her ways, do not stray
into her paths.
For she has cast down many wounded; indeed, all her
slain are a mighty host.
Her house is the way to Sheol (Hades, the place of the
dead), going down to the chambers of death.
Temptation plays on those who are already wounded. If
someone isn’t getting his needs met at home, he is more likely
to be played upon by the temptress. Notice that the victim is
reluctant to follow, and if not diverted from her lead, temptation
will lead a man to death. Obviously the “loose woman” could
also be a “loose man.” This message is for men, women,
young, and old. No one is beyond temptation.
Marriages need protection. It won’t work to think, Well, we
are married so, that’s it. He’s stuck with me and I can act any
way I want and look any way I want because he is committed
to marriage.
If a wounded man whose needs have been ignored goes off
to work, there will be somebody out there with that seductive
spirit on them, who will try to entice him into a trap. So use
wisdom. Don’t let your husband be like an ox led to the
slaughter. Hopefully godly men will be smart enough to not let
a loose woman steal their life, but some men need their wives to
build up their defenses from such temptations. Likewise, wives
need to be built up against this trap, too.

RESIST THE DEVIL

Married people need to flee from flirtations as quickly as
possible. Even if someone is in need of compliments, it is
dangerous to receive them from the wrong source. We must
avoid and stay away from evil, asking God to strengthen us in
all the areas where we are weak. We must resist the devil, and
when we do, he will flee. The way we resist the devil is through
submission to God. (James 4:7.) There are many voices in the
world, but the one we must follow is God’s. Not only will the
devil try to lead us astray through wrong thoughts and
emotions, but he will use people, sometimes even good friends,
to bring temptation into our lives.
The voice of people can be strong, but we must choose to
be God-pleasers, not man-pleasers. You might have a single
friend who wants you to go somewhere with her where she can
meet a man, but it would be a place your spouse would not be
pleased to find you. You will have to disappoint your friend
and do what you know is right. Consistently doing this all
things is the way to stay out of trouble. Follow wisdom; follow
peace — if you do, you will like where the path leads you. If
you don’t, you will regret it in the end. The way we avoid living
in regret later is by making right choices now.
The way we avoid living in regret later is by making right
choices now.
God deals with His children. When we have problems in our
marriages, I believe that He shows things that we need to do
differently. He writes His instructions on our hearts and we
know what we should be doing or what we should stop doing.
The beginning of wisdom, the Bible says, is the reverential
fear and awe of God. We need more reverential fear and awe of
God so that when God tells us something, we understand that
He’s telling us for our own good. When I ask for a show of
hands in my seminars for those who can admit that God has
told them to do something that they haven’t been obedient to,
75 percent of the people lift up their hands. They already know
what God’s told them but they haven’t done it.
What help is there for those who refuse to obey God? If we
are not going to do what God tells us to do, then nothing is
going to change in our circumstances. Knowing what to do
and not doing it is not wisdom. This one principle can change
your life. You have to know what to do, then do it!
This one principle can change your life: Know what to do,
then do it!
Beginning in Haggai 1:2, we see a group of people whom
God had told eighteen years previously to rebuild His house.
They still had not been obedient to what He had told them to
do; yet they didn’t understand why their lives were in a mess.
They wondered where the blessing of God was.
After reminding them of their disobedience to His
instruction, the Lord said them in verses 4-6:
Is it time for you yourselves to dwell in your paneled
houses while this house [of the Lord] lies in ruins? [Now
 therefore thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways
and set your mind on what has come to you.]
You have sown much, but you have reaped little; you eat,
but you do not have enough; you drink, but you do not
have your fill; you clothe yourselves, but no one is warm;
and he who earns wages has earned them to put them in
a bag with holes in it.
Does this sound like anybody you know? How often have
you heard someone say, “I just don’t understand what’s going
on, God. I just don’t understand.”
Verse 7 brings the answer:
Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways (your
previous and present conduct) and how you have fared.
In other words, if we are not satisfied with what is going on
in our lives right now, maybe we should look back and let God
show us how the way we have conducted ourselves has
affected what is happening to us now. We must be willing to
change our ways if we want to receive His blessing. If we are
willing to change from the previous and present conduct that is
holding back God’s blessings, we can have greater victories
than what we have ever had before.
Many Christians, who spend a great deal of their time trying
to be happy, wonder why they are not being blessed. They
believe the devil is trying to keep blessings from them. They
think more spiritual warfare is needed for blessings to break
through for them. Spiritual warfare is very important, but
warfare without obedience isn’t going to do any good!
SUBMIT TO GOD
The Bible says, “Submit yourself to God, resist the devil, and
he will flee.” (See James 4:7.) A lot of people are trying to resist
the devil, but they still are not submitting to God! How can
people keep the devil out of their marriages if they won’t do
what God’s told them to do? If God puts on my heart, “Go and
apologize to Dave,” then I need to be quick to obey. The Holy
Ghost is not going to let me have peace until I obey His voice,
“Apologize to Dave. Apologize to Dave. Go and apologize to
Dave.”
God wants to build security and significance in couples. He
knows love never fails, and His Spirit consistently prods us to
do what love would do. The Word of God shows me what to
do! The Word of God shows me how to have a great,
wonderful life, but I have to do it.
We don’t sleep well when we are stubborn and bull headed.
On nights that I refuse to apologize to Dave and go to bed mad
at him, I have found that I can sleep on the outside seam of the
mattress to distance myself from his presence! I was angry, and
I did not want him to touch me. I can remember being freezing
cold all night, but stubbornly refusing to ask him for any of the
covers. In fact, at those times I felt that I would never speak to
him again as long as I lived. (Does this scenario sound
familiar?)
Yet, while I sleep the Holy Spirit is still waiting to encourage
me to do the right thing. In the middle of my sleepless night, I
hear His voice, “You should have apologized to Dave. You
didn’t apologize.”
 I finally get to the point where I can’t live under that kind of
pressure, so I say, “OK, God, tell me what You want me to do.
I’ll just go do it. Let’s get it over with.” I understand that
nothing is going to change if I don’t do it.
Ephesians 4:26 says, When angry, do not sin; do not ever let
your wrath (your exasperation, your fury or indignation) last
until the sun goes down. Anger is an emotion that rises up
sometimes before we know what is going on. I have discovered
that I cannot always prevent it from coming, but I can deny its
right to remain.
Make peace. Be a peacemaker. Swallow your pride and
apologize. We have everything we need in the Word of God to
help us live great lives! The Word is a lamp to our feet and a
light to our path. (Psalm 119:105.)

HOW TO BUILD SELF-ESTEEM IN YOUR

MATE
In order to build His house according to His plans, God will
ask you to build up and edify your spouse. Wives are called to
respect, honor, and submit to their husbands in order to build
him up and esteem him in the Lord. Husbands are to love their
wives as Christ loved the church in order to establish her sense
of value. Christ loved the church so much He gave Himself up
for her. When God’s couples are built up in their sense of self-
worth and value, they will proceed to fulfill God’s plan to
multiply through godly offspring and subdue the earth through
the work of their hands.
Both the husband and wife need to sacrifice their self-will in
order to obey God’s command for their homes. How can
anyone believe that someone loves them if they never see
sacrifice on their behalf? If a spouse always has to have it their
way or no way, how would the other partner ever feel loved?
Both sides must make sacrifice to demonstrate their love to the
other.
Love must be demonstrated by what we do. To avoid strife
we must constantly forgive and let go of the offenses that
happened that day. To stay focused on each other’s needs is a
sacrifice but it is also the secret to great happiness and
blessings in God. The alternative is to be selfish, demand your
own way, and wonder why your marriage needs repair.
The Holy Ghost has your desires in mind when He tells you
to demonstrate love towards someone. A lot of times I have felt
prompted, “Just do it; just do it.”
I would argue, “Well, God, You are always saying something
to me. When are You going say something to Dave?!!” I felt as
though I was the only one who was ever corrected. If God
wasn’t dealing with Dave, too, I couldn’t stand it! A couple of
times I even went to Dave and I said, “Dave, is God dealing
with you about anything?”
Invariably, Dave would shrug and say, “No, nothing that I
can think of.”
One time God dealt very strongly with me about showing
Dave respect, yet I felt as though there were plenty of times
that Dave wasn’t respectful to me! If I interrupted Dave when
he was talking, the Holy Ghost would say, “That is
disrespectful.” I would think in retaliation, Well, he interrupts
me when I’m talking! Why can he be rude and I can’t be rude?!
It’s a flesh burner when God wants you to stop doing
something that the other person is doing, too. But we are each
responsible to do what God shows us to do. He wants us to
pour ourselves out for the other, like two liquids poured into
the same glass that cannot be separated again. Do the hard
things now, and your reward will surely come later.
Marriage began with sacrifice. Genesis 2:24 says, Therefore
a man shall leave his father and his mother and shall become
united and cleave to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Right away couples have to “give up” their dependence on
their parents. That doesn’t mean they can’t have a good
relationship with Mom and Dad, but it does mean that if they
don’t leave their parents and cleave to each other, they will
have problems.
My understanding of the word “cleave” means to be glued
to; cemented together; to associate with a person so as to
accompany him or to be on his side; to go where another goes;
to be attached; devoted to; to hang upon and express love. It
depicts permanent adhesion, or a welding together. If we are
permanently welded to someone, doesn’t it seem wise to
nurture that person’s self-image so we can better enjoy our
“attachment” to them?
For no man ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
carefully protects and cherishes it, as Christ does the
church.
Ephesians 5:29
The irony in being one is that if we build up our spouse we
are in fact being good to ourselves.
 13
SO WHAT WILL THIS COST
ME?
By this we come to know (progressively to recognize, to
perceive, to understand) the [essential] love: that He laid
down His [own] life for us; and we ought to lay [our] lives
down for [those who are] our brothers [in Him].

1 John 3:16
Love has a price, but loving people is the only thing that will
bring true happiness to our lives. I bought every book on love
that I could find and they were all alike. They told me what love
is supposed to be, but not one of them mentioned that love
would hurt. Love requires sacrifice and because we are
inherently self-centered, no one particularly enjoys sacrifice.
While loving people outside of our immediate family calls for
intermittent sacrifice, the daily event of loving a spouse leaves
little time for self-seeking. There is no greater way to show
your love than to sacrifice something you want with a good
attitude.
First Corinthians 7:32,33 explains that while single people
can be anxious about the things of the Lord — how they may
please Him — a married man (or woman) is anxious about
worldly matters and how he or she might please the spouse.
There are people who have the gift to be single, but the biggest
majority of people want to get married. Paul taught in 1
Corinthians 7:36 that there is nothing wrong with marriage.
He said, “If you can’t control your passions, then get
married,” but he pointed out that marriage brought anxiety and
distressing cares that single people don’t have. A married
person is drawn in diverging directions; their devotion to God
and devotion to their married partner can cause divided
interests. If you are married then you must have concern for
your mate.
 THE SACRIFICE OF PERSONAL
FREEDOM
Love requires a sacrifice of a certain amount of personal
freedom. If you promise to love someone, you will no longer be
able to only please yourself. You will no longer be able to
watch just what you want to watch on television, or go just
where you want to go, always eat where you want to eat, or
buy anything you want to buy.
There are many opportunities every day to sacrifice for our
mates, but we often fail the test. It is obviously a struggle to
believe it is more blessed to give than to receive. Instead most
of us fight to get our own way because we haven’t learned
how to give, but giving contributes to the success of a
relationship.
If our attitude is to bless others, then the blessings of God
will chase us down the street and overtake us. What would
happen in a marriage relationship if couples would actually
compete to see who could do the most for the other one? We
would no longer linger in bed in the morning thinking. If I lie
here five more minutes, he will get up and make the coffee.
Some of us would have to lie there 100 years before our
husband would go make the coffee!
The reality is that we will never stop wrestling with our self-
serving flesh. Every single day we will have to fight to
overcome self-centeredness. How many times a day do we
pass up opportunities to sacrifice something for our partners?
Most of us try every which way to get out of doing anything
other than what serves our own interests. Selfishness is
ruining marriages.
 THE SACRIFICE OF TIME
Time is another sacrifice a married person must make. To
have a good marriage, we have to invest quality time in our
relationship, or else it will never flourish. What does not grow
will stagnate and eventually die. I have read that people need
twelve loving, meaningful touches every day to live out life to
their fullest expectancy. The best part of hugging someone is
that we invariably get hugged back. The principle of sowing
and reaping is built in to the act of a loving touch. Reaching
out to others helps replenish our own life support.
Just think, hugging your husband will add years to his life,
and yours! Hugging only takes a little bit of time. Don’t be
surprised if the Holy Ghost reminds you to hug your husband
before he goes out the door in the morning. Even if he is all the
way out to the car when the Holy Ghost reminds you, go and
hug him. You should chase him down and plant a loving hug
around him.
If you are praying about your marriage relationship, I believe
the Holy Ghost will speak to husbands saying, “You didn’t
kiss your wife. You didn’t hug your wife. You didn’t even say
anything to her this morning.”
He will argue against the idea of turning around and going
back into the house, thinking that he doesn’t have time.
Besides he has to stop for coffee and a cinnamon roll for his
morning “buzz.” And just when he starts the car there you will
be, shouting, “Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait — come back —
come back — come back. You didn’t kiss me.”
I have literally chased Dave down the driveway to be
obedient to the voice of God. Dave would defend himself,
“Well, I kissed you when I got up.”
 “I don’t care if you kissed me when you got up. This is
another event — now you’re leaving. Kiss me again.”
Women especially need these twelve loving touches every
day — not pinches — touches. A wife wants to be loved, and
some wives need to step forward and receive the hugs and
attention that they need from their husbands. Let your
husband know that you want your hugs each day. If your
spouse has shown affection in the past and your response has
not let him know that you liked it, he may have quit showing
the affection. Be responsive; don’t act like a dead log when
shown affection. I personally know that I despise giving
someone a hug who just stands there and does not reciprocate
at all.
Take time to think about your mate and how you might bless
him. What do you think would happen if, just once everyday,
you asked God the question. “Ok, God, what can I do to bless
my mate today?” I challenge you to pray this prayer everyday.
Lord, show me something I can do for my partner today, just
to be a blessing to him.
Marriages would flourish and love would grow if every
married person would ask God for that help. God may tell a
husband to call his wife just to tell her he loves her. What
would his day be like if his wife called him, out of the blue, and
said, “I just want to tell you I think you’re great.” Imagine the
points that would be scored between that couple who
consistently found ways to build each other up.
Galatians 6:10 says, … Be mindful to be a blessing. … We
are to fill our minds with ways to be a blessing. You may even
have to sacrifice the last bite of your hamburger, some of the
fudge on your ice cream, or the cherry in your limeade just to
be a blessing to your mate.
 THE SACRIFICE OF COMFORT
Married people have to sacrifice both physical and
emotional comfort, too. A display of emotions may be
uncomfortable for some, especially men, but you may have to
show your spouse how you feel emotionally sometimes.
Admitting the emotional needs that you have is to make
yourself vulnerable to the trust of your spouse. It may be a
sacrifice to open yourself in this way.
Give hugs and compliments, and say, “I Love you. You’re
beautiful.” Tell your husband, “You’re handsome. You’re
important to me. I appreciate you.” If you can’t say it face-to-
face, start by writing it in a card. If endearments are hard to say
out loud, find other ways to express them, but start
communicating.
Physical comfort must sometimes he sacrificed for a good
relationship. Men may have to give their wives their coat when
it’s cold. They may have to run through the rain to get the car
from the parking lot for her so she does not get wet. A
husband may have to drive his wife to the door of a building so
she doesn’t have to walk through the sub-zero temperatures as
he does.
He may have to wait for her to try on twenty-five outfits and
then watch her buy the first one she put on. Men learn that
shopping is an emotional experience for women. Men go out
and they want to conquer the mall. Women go to enjoy the
mall, but we’ll talk more about that Chapter 18.
 SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE
There is no room for pride in a healthy relationship. The
words “I’m sorry” need to be easy to say even when you really
don’t think you were wrong. The Bible says in Romans 12:16
that we should live in harmony with one another and not be
haughty or high-minded.
Forget having a good relationship if you are not willing to
say, “I was wrong.” Why do we have such a hard time with
admitting that we were wrong about something? Those are
hard words to say, especially when we are upset. But blessings
will come if we swallow that pride and let humility rule instead.
John 13:1 says, [Now] before the Passover Feast began,
Jesus knew (was fully aware) that the time had come for Him
to leave this world and return to the Father: And as He had
loved those who were His own in the world, He loved them to
the last and to the highest degree.
The highest degree that you can love somebody is to
sacrifice yourself. For God so greatly loved and dearly prized
the world that He [even] gave His only begotten (unique)
Son… (John 3:16). We know that Jesus gave up His own self
for us. The Bible says that men should love their wives as
Christ loved the church, which was to the highest degree of
self-sacrifice.
John 13 continues with the story of how Jesus washed the
feet of his disciples, an act of servanthood, to show them how
very much He loved them. He, fully knowing Who He was,
being the Greatest of all, became the Servant of all. Pride never
kept the Lord from showing His love for us. To be a servant, as
He called us to do, requires that we sacrifice self-will.
Simon Peter resisted the Lord when He came to wash his feet
saying, “Lord, are my feet to be washed by You? [Is it for You
to wash my feet?]” Imagine for a moment how you would feel if
Jesus came and said, “Sit down — I want to wash your feet.”
Wouldn’t you feel hesitant, as Peter did, thinking that you
should be the one who was washing the Lord’s feet, instead of
Him washing yours?
But Jesus said to Peter, You do not understand now what I
am doing, but you will understand later on (John 13:7).
Peter replied, You shall never wash my feet! (verse 8).
And Jesus answered him, Unless I wash you, you have no
part with (in) Me [you have no share in companionship with
Me] (verse 8).
He was saying that unless we serve each other we have no
true part in each other. If you love someone to the highest
degree you will be willing to serve them.
When Jesus finished washing their feet He said in verses 12
through 14,
… Do you understand what I have done to you?
You call Me the Teacher (Master) and the Lord, and you
are right in doing so, for that is what I am.
We are all to be sensitive to the other person’s needs, even in
little things.
If I then, your Lord and Teacher (Master), have washed
your feet, you ought [it is your duty, you are under obligation,
you owe it] to wash one another’s feet.
We are not to seek to be served, but to serve. That means
that I should do things for Dave that normally I might not want
to do. That means he will do things for me that he doesn’t
necessarily want to do. We are all to be sensitive to the other
person’s needs, even in little things.
 A FRESH START
In the mornings, I like fresh orange juice with grapefruit juice
in it. I used to make the juice by squeezing the fruit by hand
rather than just drinking bottled or canned juice. One morning
we had a lot to do, and I grabbed a can of juice to pour it into a
glass.
When Dave came into the kitchen, he said, “Don’t you want
some fresh squeezed juice?”
I told him that I had thought of it, but I had so much to do
that morning.
He said, “I don’t mind making it — I would love to do it for
you.”
Those are the moments that make a marriage good.
Have you ever heard the expression that “sex begins at
breakfast?” Considerate exchanges throughout the day do
much to build a relationship. A woman finds her greatest
satisfaction through attentive affection from her husband while
a good sexual relationship is of great importance to a man.
When a husband shows affection to his wife, she is
emotionally drawn to her sexual relationship with him. By filling
her needs, she in turn fills his needs.
But so often, a husband doesn’t understand how difficult it
is for his wife to be physically drawn to him without the
emotional attachment that is nurtured by affection. When no
affection leads to no sex, and no sex leads to no affection, the
couple stagnate in a war zone all because the woman doesn’t
feel loved. Bottom line, love is what we do for each other.
Bottom line, love is what we do for each other.
 If you ask God, He will give you creative ideas on how to
bless your mate. The cost of showing loving attention is
minimal to the cost of letting your relationship fall apart. Great
relationships are missed just because people are too lazy to do
something nice for their spouses. We have to fight against our
selfishness when we don’t want to get up and move on the
suggestions that God gives to us. Small gestures can add up to
big differences. We need to learn to be servants to one
another.
One night, I hurriedly went to get myself something to drink,
wanting to get back to what I was doing, when I knew I should
ask Dave if he wanted something, too. God didn’t have to say,
“Joyce, ask Dave if he wants a soda.” I knew in my heart I
should ask him. Our selfish nature wants to take care of only
ourselves. But it’s all those little things that build strong
relationships and satisfy the Lord’s instruction to “wash each
other’s feet.”
If you ask God, He will give you creative ideas on how to
bless your mate.
It’s humbling to say, “I’m willing to serve you. I want to
serve you.” But humility is required when entering into a
marriage relationship. Partners are called to sacrifice and serve
each other. It’s sacrifice and service, sacrifice and service, and
then more sacrifice and service. If there hasn’t been any
sacrifice or service between you and your spouse, then start
doing little gestures of love to demonstrate thoughtfulness.
Don’t start with the attitude of, “Well, what are you doing for
me? You should get me something. Why don’t you do
something for me?” That would not be operating in godly
principles.
 After telling Simon Peter that he should wash the feet of
others, just as He had done for Peter, he continued in John
13:15-17,
For I have given you this as an example, so that you
should do [in your turn] what I have done to you.
I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, A servant is not
greater than his master, and no one who is sent is
superior to the one who sent him.
If you know these things, blessed and happy and to be
envied are you if you practice them [if you act
accordingly and really do them].
If we study the Word of God, then do the things that God
has already put on our hearts to do we will be blessed, happy,
and even envied. We can have good marriages, but we have to
be willing to sacrifice and serve. It isn’t “Happy are ye if you
hear it,” but, “happy are ye if ye do it.”
 PUTTING DOWN THE MONEY
To have the right perspective toward money, we need to
know what the Bible says about its importance. First of all we
can see that most women were born to shop! That’s why Adam
had a job before he ever met Eve. God put him in the garden
and told him to tend and take care of it. Once Adam had
established himself at his job, God told him He was going to
give him a helpnate. So Adam got a wife and she was called a
female because there was a fee for having her.
Seriously, money and financial management is a major area
where married people have to make sacrifices. A married person
is no longer free to spend a paycheck on whatever he or she
wants to buy. I believe it is safe to assume that every married
couple has argued over their finances.
Not having enough money can put a tremendous amount of
pressure on a marriage. Likewise, having too much money
without knowledge of how to handle it, can also put
tremendous pressure on a marriage. Money is important, but
according to the Bible we have to be very careful that we don’t
love money.
To test yourself on whether money is too important,
consider how you act if something of yours gets damaged. Do
you get upset if your car gets a little dent in it? First Timothy
6:10 says, For the love of money is a root of all evils; it is
through this craving that some have been led astray and have
wandered from the faith and pierced themselves through with
many acute [mental] pangs.
If all evil is rooted in the love of money, then we should
understand why it is so important to get a godly perspective
on how to handle it. We need to re-evaluate ourselves on a
regular basis to determine if the love of money is taking root in
us. No matter how godly we are, there is a temptation to let the
things that are important to the world become overly important
to us.
• Jesus was betrayed because of the love of money.
• Ananias and Saphhira lied about their money and fell
dead.
• Demetrius caused a rebellion against the apostle Paul
because of the loss of his money that was derived from
the worship of the goddess Diana.
• Jezebel tried to kill Elijah because of the revenue she lost
when her prophets were destroyed.
• For money men sell their souls; women sell their bodies.
• Governments fall when its leaders are corrupted by
money.
• Men worry about money, kill for it, commit crimes, and
go to prison because of it.
• Families are destroyed from the stress of having too
much or not enough of it.
God places an importance on money throughout the Bible
and while it has an important role in a godly home, it should
never rule the believer’s household. As Christians, we are in
the world, but not of it. Matthew 6:24 says we can’t serve God
with all of our heart if we love money or the things that money
can buy.
The Bible says in Matthew 6:33, … seek (aim at and strive
after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way
of doing and being right), and then all of these things taken
together will be given you besides. If we seek God first. He
promises to take care of all the things we need.
 Philippians 1:10 encourages us to learn to sense what is vital
in our lives.
So that you may surely learn to sense what is vital, and
approve and prize what is excellent and of real value
[recognizing the highest and the best, and distinguishing
the moral differences], and that you may be untainted
and pure and unerring and blameless [so that with
hearts sincere and certain and unsullied, you may
approach] the day of Christ [not stumbling nor causing
others to stumble].
We should know what is important and place value on what
is truly excellent. Parents often spend too much time trying to
make money and ignore their families for years and years.
Suddenly the children are grown and they find they don’t have
a relationship with them. Value was misplaced on providing
things for their children, when above all else was the higher
prize of being with them. This used to be a problem primarily
for fathers, but since we have so many mothers working
outside the home, they have to be careful to avoid this same
regret.
Joyce as a young girl (Age 6) with her mother
Dave Meyer in grade school

Joyce at Age 3
Dave (Age 20) serving in the United States Army

Dave (Age 20) sharpening his basketball skills

Dave and Joyce pose in church for their wedding Photo in
January of 1967

Dave and Joyce cut the first slice of their wedding cake at
their wedding reception
Dave and Joyce affectionately feed each other wedding cake
in front of their beautiful wedding reception spread

Joyce throwing wedding bouquet at her wedding reception

in January of 1967
Joyce and Dave preparing for the traditional “throwing of
the garter”

Dave with oldest son, one-year-old David

Joyce in St. Louis, Missouri, with her three children, David
(Age 6), Laura (Age 4) and Sandy (Age 2)

Dave in delivery room holding their youngest son Daniel

Dave and Joyce happily pose for a picture in the early 1980’s

Joyce during her early ministry years

Dave and Joyce proudly display her products from the tape
tables during the early years of ministry

Joyce answering her own mail in the early years of ministry

Joyce is awarded an honorary doctorate from Oral Roberts
University (Tulsa, Oklahoma, 1998)

Dave and Joyce review the early stages of new building

plans for the ministry
 Dave and Joyce in the late 1990’s
Priorities are displaced if dad is working two jobs or
frequently working overtime, more than what is necessary, just
for the sake of having more things. A job may require someone
to work overtime for a season, or a temporary second job can
take care of some special need in the family, but if that job
becomes a regular habit and the parent is away from the home
on a regular basis, an unwanted price will be paid.
Many children are being raised by people other than their
own family members. I went to work when I still had a small
child so we could buy a house. My children went from baby-
sitter to baby-sitter, but because of the Word that we have in
us now, it seems that our family has recovered from that time.
I’m just saying that knowing what I do now, I don’t think it was
the best choice for me to work so much outside of our home. I
believe that if you have to do it, God will cover you and your
children. But, parents who have small children should try to be
at home with them as much as possible.
 God’s anointing can come on any situation. He can take
something that could be a disaster otherwise and make it work
out. God will cover the home of a single parent who has to
work. But I believe there is a difference between having to work
and simply wanting to work for love of what the extra money
will buy. Prayerfully consider what you may be giving up for
what you are getting.
Many families are already structured around two incomes,
but be aware that even some wealthy people are still miserable
because money does not make people happy. Couples who
choose to keep both incomes need to work together at home,
too. Laundry and household duties need to be shared by both
the husband and wife in order to keep building a good
relationship. It is difficult for a woman to manage both an
external job and the internal responsibilities of home without
help from the husband and children. Be willing to help each
other through these stressful times. You may even need to
humble yourself and ask for help if your spouse hasn’t noticed
your stress.
I am sure many people reading this book are working
mothers or even men who are holding several jobs trying to
provide for the family. I certainly don’t desire to place
condemnation or guilty feelings on anyone. I simply encourage
you to make sure your family needs the money more than they
need you. If working too much is creating a stressful
atmosphere in your home, the choice to work part time might be
a solution. Dave and I had years of both, years when I worked
and years when I did not. I am sure our children preferred the
years when I did not. Some of the years when I did not work
were definitely much harder financially, but as I look back,
those were the years when I really learned how to trust God for
a miracle supply. Whatever you do, as long as you are being
led by the Holy Spirit everything will work out fine.
 PEACE IS GAINED THROUGH
RIGHTEOUSNESS
Christians have righteousness, peace, and joy available to
them through the Holy Spirit. The satisfaction that we are all
looking for is found inside of us through knowing who we are
in Christ. Happiness comes from being able to get up in the
morning liking yourself and going to bed at night still liking
yourself, without living under a cloud of guilt and
condemnation. Peace is the reward of righteousness not of
money. You can have all kinds of things, but if you don’t have
peace, you won’t have joy.
The satisfaction that we are all looking for is found inside of
us through knowing who we are in Christ.
People need right relationships more than they need money.
If people are going to spend their lives climbing the ladder of
success, they need to be sure their ladder is leaning against the
right building. It is sad when people spend their lives working
to acquire things at the expense of their families, only to get to
that top position and find it is one of the loneliest places they
could be. It is tragic to spend your life chasing something you
didn’t want after all.
First Timothy 6:17 says, As for the rich in this world, charge
them not to be proud and arrogant and contemptuous of
others, nor set their hopes on uncertain riches, but on God,
Who richly and ceaselessly provides us with everything, for
[our] enjoyment.
God abundantly gives us all things to enjoy. There is
balance only if we enjoy things without putting them before
the needs of the people in our lives. While we are not to love
money, we are not to think we can’t enjoy ourselves. My
husband and I have more things right now than we have ever
had in our whole lives. We have a lovely house, and we drive
nice cars. We don’t live in extravagance, but we do live in
excellence.
We have given thought to what we really want. Many times
the things we think we want are the same things we don’t want
to take care of. Ask God for wisdom when making decisions on
whether or not to buy something that requires a lot of your
time and attention.
God provided us with friends who have offered to let us stay
at their vacation property any time we feel the need to get
away. We know people who are willing to take us boating if we
have the time to do so. God wants us to have fun, but fun
doesn’t have to drive us to the love of money. If we will make
decisions according to the Word of God, while trying to honor
God in our lives, I believe that God will supernaturally provide
many things for us that we could have struggled to have had.
God has performed tremendous miracles in our lives because
we chose Him over things.
 SWEET CONTENTMENT
Some couples need to learn how to enjoy what they already
have. And some even need to ask God to show them how to go
spend some of their money on themselves. We can get fearful
of money even when we have plenty. God, not money, has to
be our security.
Revelation 18:10 says that Babylon, the great city of power,
will fall in one hour. Babylon really represents the whole
financial system in the world. We can all see there are problems
in the world structure. While I don’t mean to sound negative,
we must put our hope and confidence in God, no matter what
happens to the economy. By developing our faith now, we
know that God will take care of us and meet our needs just as
He did in the wilderness for the children of Israel.
One of the ways that we try to build our faith is to look at the
nice things we have but realize how much of it we could live
without. It pleases me to think about how pretty our home is,
but I know that if we had to live in a two-or three-room
apartment again, I would be just as happy because my joy is
coming from the inside of me and not from things that I have.
In Numbers 18, verses 20 and 24, God told the priestly tribe
of Levi that He alone was their inheritance. The Word says, …
[They have homes and cities and pasturage to use but not to
possess as their personal inheritance.] (verse 24). We find
balance in realizing that everything we have is on loan from
God. He’s given it to us to use, but we are neither to possess it,
nor let it possess us.
The minute we start grasping at things that become too
important to us, God will start shaking them from our hand. If
we will let go when He shakes it, and say, “OK, You’re right,
God, I am getting too attached to this, or I am starting to like
this too much, or I am depending on this too much,” then most
of the time He lets us keep it. But if we grasp too tightly and it
becomes too important to our sense of security and our joy
depends on it, then God will take it away from us.
I’m glad that God looks after me that way. I’ve given God
permission to bring to my attention the things that are getting
in the way of my total dependence upon Him. I encourage
everyone to submit themselves to God in this way. Sometimes
things begin to mean more to us than they should. Everything
that God gives us should be held loosely in our hands, so that
He has no trouble getting it from us if He wants it. God will give
us all kinds of things to use and enjoy, but He will not let them
possess us.
Balance is one of the keynotes of our ministry and it has
brought favor into our lives. First Corinthians 7:31 teaches us
to continue to be close to God through all conditions of life,
even, … those who deal with this world [overusing the
enjoyments of this life] as though they were not absorbed by it
and as if they had no dealings with it. … We need the Holy
Spirit to keep us free from all anxiety and distressing care in
order to promote and secure our undistracted devotion to the
Lord. (Verses 32-35.)
This means that even if we are in the busy, decision-making
process of building a new house, we are not to get absorbed
by it. We are to continue to walk with God as if nothing else is
happening. I use this example because of an interesting
experience we had when we bought our last house. People kept
asking me if I was excited about our new house and I honestly
wasn’t. I had a joy because I knew it was something God was
giving me.
 For years I had prayed to have a quiet place to study since
our house was on a highway where the noise of traffic
disturbed my desire to sit outside and meditate on the things of
God. There were no trees at our previous house to remind me
of the natural things God had made. So for years I hoped for a
different house.
Now God has given us a house with a little lake and all kinds
of trees surrounding it in a beautiful setting. I have a
comfortable feeling down inside because God has given us this
desire of my heart, but my emotions aren’t caught up in it.
When we first moved in there, I walked around for days saying,
“Thank You, God, we really appreciate this.” But my greater joy
was still in the fact that I knew Him, and not from what He had
given us.
There is nothing wrong with having things, but if you have
things to be happy, you will never be satisfied.
There is nothing wrong with having things, but if you have
things to be happy, you will never be satisfied. If you must
have that new house to be happy, if you must have that new
car to be happy if you must have that new furniture to be
happy, if you must have that new dress to be happy, you will
be looking for happiness your whole life.

HAPPINESS COMES TO THOSE WHO GIVE

Finally, and even foremost, if you want God to bless your
finances, you must operate on God’s financial plan. The Bible
says that believers should tithe by giving a tenth of their
income to the Lord. Malachi, chapter 3 is clear on this subject.
There are some who argue that instruction from the Old
Testament does not apply to believers today, but the New
Testament never does away with anything in the Old
Testament. Jesus came to fulfill the law and to give us the
grace to keep it. God did not do away with the Ten
Commandments, but He did give us the grace to keep them
through Jesus Christ.
The Bible clearly teaches us that we should tithe and give
offerings besides. If you are not tithing and giving offerings
you are missing out on God’s best for your life. Because Dave
always knew to tithe, we have been tithing ever since we got
married. In all the years we have been married, through raising
four children, Dave has only been out of work for a total of five
days and we have always had the money to pay our bills on
time. God has always blessed our finances, and I am thankful
that Dave knew to tithe when we got married.
Don’t let the devil deceive you into thinking that you cannot
tithe. He wants to rob you of your inheritance as a believer,
and one of the easiest ways to do so is by causing you to
either love or fear money so that you hoard it or crave it. James
1:22 says that if you hear the Word, but don’t do what you
know is right, then you are deceiving yourself by reasoning
that is contrary to the truth.
If your marriage is struggling because of finances, ask God
to loose you from whatever bondage keeps you from tithing.
Be honest with God and tell Him, “I’m not tithing because of
this, or I’m not doing it because I’m afraid to, or it is because I
don’t want to.” By being honest with God and asking Him to
establish you in His truth you allow God to help you out of the
financial rut you are in.
Malachi 3:10,11 says,
 Bring all the tithes (the whole tenth of your income) into
the storehouse, that there may be food in My house, and
prove Me now by it, says the Lord of hosts, if I will not
open the windows of heaven for you and pour you out a
blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive
it.
And I will rebuke the devourer [insects and plagues] for
your sakes and he shall not destroy the fruits of your
ground, neither shall your vine drop its fruit before the
time in the field, says the Lord of hosts.
God doesn’t need our money, but He does want us to be
givers. He knew that there would be great temptation to love
money, which is the root of all evil. Proving our willingness to
let go of its security opens the floodgates of heaven to pour
out blessings upon us. It is so important that we as believers
stay in a giving attitude because love gives to others. For God
so loved the world, that he gave… (John 3:16 KJV).
If we won’t give our money, there is no hope of ever giving
ourselves. If we can get to the point where we can give money
away when God says to give it, we are finally growing out of
our habit of selfish, self-centered living. Giving our money is an
outward work of love, and love is spiritual warfare against the
devourer.
Sometimes one partner in a marriage believes in and desires
to tithe and the other one does not. Many women ask, “What
am I supposed to do if my husband refuses to allow me to
tithe?” First let me say that God does not rejoice in things
given under compulsion or force. I doubt that He would want a
tithe on a family income from someone who does not mix their
faith with their giving. God asks us to give for our benefit, not
His. He wants us to sow seed so He can bring a tremendous
harvest. He is not trying to take something away from us; He is
trying to get something to us. We must first be of a willing
heart and then our actions are acceptable. Even if a person
does not want to give their money away, but they are willing to
do so in order to obey God, that is a starting place. Eventually
their heart will change.
If a man is married to a woman who does not want to tithe,
he would normally have liberty to do so anyway since he is the
head of the household. If a woman is married to a man who
does not want to tithe, then she should certainly not do it
behind his back. She can give from what she has as her own, or
what she has control of, or earns. If the man allows the woman
to take care of the finances and he basically does not care what
she does, then I believe she is free to follow her heart. Very few
men would totally forbid their wives to give anything at all, but
if you happen to be one of the few, then give of your time,
talents, or other things that your husband has no control over.
Pray for his heart to soften. Even if he cannot believe in the
principle of sowing and reaping yet, pray that he will give you
permission to tithe. Then you can release your faith for your
family’s finances to be blessed. One thing is for sure, God sees
your heart, and He will take care of you if your heart is where it
should be.
God is working amazing financial miracles for us so that we
can operate the world ministry that we now have. But even in
the earlier years of our life, when we went through hard times
financially, we still sowed the tithe. We just had enough to pay
our bills and then we had to believe God for everything else
that came in. When I look back, some of those leaner times
hold my best memories and were the most fun times for us.
 I had a little prayer book that I kept and one time I wrote
down, “Dear Father, I need twelve new dishtowels and I don’t
have the money to buy them. Please provide those
dishtowels.”
One day, a friend of mine rang the doorbell and said, “I hope
you don’t think I am totally insane, but I believe God told me to
bring you a dozen dishtowels.”
The excitement of God hit me and I almost knocked her over
as I screamed with delight and shouted, “That’s God!” Who
gets that excited over dishtowels these days? But excitement
comes into your life when you begin to live God’s way.
If you need financial miracles, don’t be afraid to obey God
concerning your finances. Begin proving God’s power to bless
you by tithing, then beyond that develops a giving lifestyle.
As a couple, Dave and I are both trying to live a lifestyle of
giving and we enjoy giving away more every year. As we obey
God and give when He leads us to do so, somebody always
gives back to us and keeps us in that realm of exciting miracles.
We actually search for ways to give. We don’t wait for some
great feeling to come over us; we give on purpose and with
purpose. As a result, our joy and prosperity is always
increasing.
 14
PASS THE BAND-AIDS®,
PLEASE
We who are strong [in our convictions and of robust faith]
ought to bear with the failings and the frailties and the
tender scruples of the weak; [we ought to help carry the
doubts and qualms of others] and not to please ourselves.
Let each one of us make it a practice to please (make
happy) his neighbor for his good and for his true welfare,
to edify him [to strengthen him and build him up
spiritually].
Romans 15:1,2

When you read the Word of God, and it says to make your
neighbor happy, to edify him and build him up spiritually, do
your thoughts lead you to the people next door? Did it even
occur to you that this word might be in regard to how you
should treat your spouse? The word “neighbor” in Greek,
according to Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance implies one
who is “near,” or “close by.”1Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate®
Dictionary explains a neighbor as “one living or located near
another.”2
For some reason, it seems easier to obey the Word if it
doesn’t mean our immediate family, but nearly every home has
someone within it who needs healing over a past hurt. In these
last few chapters, we have looked at our opportunities to either
build up or tear down our partners in various areas of our
marriage relationship. Another choice we can make is whether
or not we are willing to bring healing to past hurts with which
our mate may be dealing.
Of course, God leads us to choose life by following the
example of Christ Who did not choose to please Himself and
gave no thought to His own interests, but took on Himself the
reproaches and abuses of those who reproached and abused
us so that we might be healed. Those of us who are free are
now called upon to bear up others who are weak in faith.
Men and women are very different, but it helps to
understand that God made us different on purpose. Don’t
confuse weaknesses with differences. We are to help build up
frailties but we are not called to change our differences. It
certainly is not God’s plan for us to try to make our partners be
like us. But we are in each other’s lives to help build each other
up to become all that God had in mind for us to be.
Dave and I suffered many, many heartaches from trying to
change our differences instead of trying to build each other up
in what we were to become in the Lord. God will almost always
put you with somebody who is different from you, but that is
part of His plan so that together we complement each other
with our strengths and learn to depend on each other for areas
in which we are weaker.
God’s ways are not our ways and we don’t always
understand His plans. Almost every couple starts out thinking
that they must change each other to become compatible, when
acceptance is the key to harmony in marriage. If the Lord
received us with unconditional love, how much more should
we embrace each other with the same patience? But instead we
easily fall back into our prideful thinking that we alone are right
and everyone should do as we do.
God’s ways are not our ways and we don’t always understand
His plans.
There were many things that I thought Dave should and
shouldn’t do. I wanted him to he more outgoing, but he was
not outgoing. I wanted him to be a social butterfly. He was not
a social butterfly I wanted Dave to preach. He’s not called to
preach, at least not right now. I did not want him to watch as
much football as he watched. I didn’t want him to like sports. I
didn’t want him to play golf. I wanted him to sit down every
night and just look at me and talk and talk and talk. There were
many things that I wanted him to want.
Dave liked his job and was a great provider. He went to work
every day, always came home with the money, and took real
good care of us, but he had no great ambitions to advance on
his job. They offered him promotions, but he knew that it
would require him being out of town a lot and he didn’t want
that. He just wanted to be happy and have us all live a happy
life.
Many times I tried to push him to be something more saying
he ought to have more goals. Then when we started actively
serving God together, I began to appreciate his differences and
how much his approach to life had done to bring God’s healing
for my past hurts. If Dave had not been born again and Spirit-
filled, I don’t believe he could ever have stood me. As I said
before, by the time Dave found me, I had so many wounds and
hurts from both my childhood and earlier marriage that I was in
a really serious condition. As I already stated, my previous
husband had relationships with other women and did things
that finally sent him to prison.
It is often difficult for people to go forward in new
relationships when they are loaded up with deep wounds and
hurts from past situations and abuses. Whether they suffered
emotional abuse, physical abuse, or verbal abuse, they need
healing to overcome their trained suspicions and defenses. If a
person was repeatedly talked down to as a child by his parents
or teachers, that person is going to have problems with
insecurity. He will need more tender loving care than
somebody who was lovingly reinforced as a child.
We need to know about each other and care about what kind
of background our spouses came from. Understanding the past
may help you to understand some of the things that are
happening now. Many people admit to some thing in their past
that they know is still crippling them emotionally. They need
godly understanding to be able to go on past these things
before they can properly relate to people.
Jesus is in the healing business — we don’t have to live all
our lives in bondage to our past. I used to think, I would never
change. I believed that once those kind of things happened to
you, you could never get over it. But if you are willing to let
God work with you, He will help you.
Jesus is in the healing business — we don’t have to live all
our lives in bondage to our past.

HEALING OLD WOUNDS

 If your partner needs healing, it will come even more quickly
if you will help. If you will try to put yourself in their place, you
will see ways to help. Just take an hour and sit down sometime,
and in your wildest imagination consider what it would be like
to go through what your spouse has tried to share with you
that they went through.
Romans 15:5,6 gives instruction on how we can help:
Now may the God Who gives the power of patient
endurance (steadfastness) and Who supplies
encouragement, grant you to live in such mutual
harmony and such full sympathy with one another, in
accord with Christ Jesus,
That together you may [unanimously] with united hearts
and one voice, praise and glorify the God and Father of
our Lord Jesus Christ (the Messiah).
God will give us the power of patient endurance and supply
us with encouragement so that we can live in harmony and in
sympathy with one another. Dave’s father died from drinking,
but Dave had a godly mother and it saved him a lot of the
problems that he could have had. But Dave went through many
years of being passive to avoid conflict with his father. Now,
he is not like that any more, but he didn’t deal with certain
responsibilities for a time. As I mentioned previously, Dave
went to work and he did his job, and he took care of all that,
but beyond that, getting him to move was difficult. If he had a
golf match, he could remember to call everybody in town, could
come home and tell me every ball that he hit, even every ball
that everyone else hit, his score, and their score, but he
couldn’t remember to hang the picture or mail the bills. That
kind of stuff used to easily anger me.
 I thought Dave just didn’t want to do the things I wanted
him to do. He is healed from passivity now, but God has shown
me that Dave got into that behavior pattern by looking at his
role models. Children learn from what they see their parents
doing and Dave saw his passive father sitting on the sidelines
and basically doing nothing. Even though Dave never had a
temptation to drink, he still followed his father’s example and
dismissed most all of his responsibilities around the home.
When Dave made the decision to change that type of
behavior, it took him a long time to make new habits. But I
respect him for the work that he has let God do in his life. The
devil had us in a trap because I wanted to control everything
anyway, and Dave’s passive nature just fed my controlling
spirit. Dave and I both needed healing from situations of our
past, and while God was working on our deliverance, the devil
used our weaknesses against each other.
The Bible tells us to bear one another up in our weaknesses.
To build each other up requires godly sympathy and
understanding. What you don’t understand about each other
or even about yourselves, get busy and find out. Why do
certain behavior patterns develop in people’s lives? We need
to care enough about each other to get involved and find out
how to help our partner.
Dave and I enjoy reading books by author Gary Smalley,
who has many helpful titles available on interpersonal
relationships. In one of his lessons, Gary uses the example of a
plant which he called “Ivy.” He said if he married Ivy and she
had a lot of brown leaves it might not be his fault that she had
the brown leaves. She might be browning out from things that
happened to her long before he met her. But, he continued,
now that he was married to Ivy her brown leaves were his
responsibility and he must find a way to give her the nutrients
she needs to become vibrant and healthy again.
Even though we may not have caused poor behavior
patterns in our mate, God has put us in their life to be a help to
them. God already determined that there are things we can’t do
alone. God repeatedly calls us to love each other and bear one
another’s griefs and burdens. Galatians 6:2 says,
Bear (endure, carry) one another’s burdens and
troublesome moral faults, and in this way fulfill and
observe perfectly the law of Christ the (Messiah) and
complete what is lacking [in your obedience to it].
Dave and I struggled for a long time because we didn’t
understand this important role we were to play in each other’s
life. God has brought you to this page and place in time to give
you knowledge and understanding so that your marriage might
become a picture of his plan for the world. We are a privileged
people to know the things that God has revealed.
Doctors’ offices are filled with people wanting to know how
to relate to their spouses and how to be healed from those
things that bind them. God’s Word gives clear instruction, and
God anoints His Word with the power to be fruitful if we will
simply do as He says to do.
Dave used to ask me, “Why do you act like that?”
I didn’t know why I behaved the way I did. Then I would ask
him, “Well, why do you act like that? If you wouldn’t do that, I
wouldn’t do this.”
And he replied, “Well, if you’d do this, I wouldn’t do that! If
you would quit griping all the time, I wouldn’t stay on the golf
course.”
I would say, “Well, if you would stay home, I would quit
griping.”
How often have you had a similar conversation? I am trying
to illustrate and impart understanding of how hurting people
hurt people. If you are hurting each other in your relationship,
it is probably because there is a hurt inside of you that hasn’t
been healed. Some way, somehow, you have been hurt
yourself somewhere, and you need to get with God and let Him
bring you the healing that you need in order to go forward.
Dave brought healing to me by showing me unconditional
love for years and years and years. I had never lived around
this kind of love before. All the love that I ever received in my
whole life was conditional. If I did what someone wanted then I
could get what I needed.
Conditional love fills you with rejection if you don’t perform
exactly right all the time. Many people have trouble in their
relationships because it is the only kind of love they know
about. Even if you didn’t come out of an abusive situation and
saw only conditional love from your parents, it has the same
effect. How many of us were raised to believe that Mom and
Dad would only be happy with us if we got all A’s on our
report cards and other things like that which placed conditions
on love given?
Destructive behavior problems result from a feeling of
insecurity and insignificance, but God is in the healing
business. If you recognize these problems in your marriage,
then ask God to help. You can’t keep sweeping these things
under the rug, hoping they will go away on their own. You
have to deal with these issues in your life.
Determine in your heart that whatever help your spouse
needs, you will give it to them. If there is anything hurting you,
try to explain what it is and ask for help. Rededicate your love
to each other by learning how to cherish and nurture each
other. Once you understand what needs to be changed, ask for
and grant patience when it is needed. Honesty is the turning
point of recovery. Admit when you are not real sure how to do
something, but let your mate know that you are going to try to
either help them or make changes yourself.
If either of you are hiding in the television set, or spending
too much time at something that keeps you separated from
each other, don’t make excuses; find out why this distance is
developing between you. Search for balance. It’s OK to have
outside interests, but you must have time for each other or you
will continue to wound each other in addition to the hurts you
received in your past.

HEALING SELF-
INFLICTED WOUNDS
Some of the wounds that couples suffer from have nothing
to do with their past. There can be offenses that the two of you
have inflicted upon each other that need to be treated and
healed. Years of harsh words can wound relationships.
Adulterous situations where one partner or the other has been
unfaithful can leave lingering traces of distrust. You may
believe that you forgave the situation and are moving on, but
something still isn’t right between you.
Maybe you are just now realizing that in all the years you
have been married, you have not talked to your partner in a
way that has been edifying or encouraging to them. Hebrews
3:13 (KJV) says, But exhort one another daily, while it is called
To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness
of sin. It’s not enough to just stop speaking harshly; we need
to begin exhorting each other in love to bring all the healing
that is needed in every situation.
We need to begin exhorting each other in love to bring all the
healing that is needed in every situation.
There are things we need to do in our relationships on a
daily basis that will bring healing from the hurts that are still
binding and wounding us. First of all, we need to stop
throwing the past up to each other. We need to stop operating
with one another based on past experience. When we keep the
past before us, we are retreating instead of advancing.
Some couples destroy each other by not letting each other
change. The past is constantly referred to even years later,
showing that grudges have taken a deep root in the heart of
the offended spouse. Even if the offender is sorry, the other
will not let him move on toward new behavior. Love does not
take account of the evil done to it. Have you been a good
accountant, keeping a running total on all offenses?
Philippians 3:12-14 (NIV) needs to be pinned to our bathroom
mirrors as a reminder of our goal:
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already
been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for
which Christ Jesus took hold of me.
Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken
hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind
and straining toward what is ahead,
I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which
 God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
I firmly believe that one of the greatest benefits that we have
as believers is found in 2 Corinthians 5:17 (KJV): Therefore if
any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are
passed away; behold, all things are become new. I don’t think
our renewal just happens the day we are born again and
suddenly all traces of past hurts no longer exist because we are
a new creature. But I do believe that every day old things can
pass away and all things can become brand new. I believe
every single day that we need to do what the apostle Paul
teaches in Philippians and let go of those things which are
behind us and press on to those things that are ahead.

FIND WHAT NEEDS TO BE LET GO

If you are concerned about your relationship and you want
to bring healing to the wounds you have inflicted upon each
other, you will need to talk to one another. Find out what is
separating you and communicate how you feel. When you
start communicating about what has hurt you and how it has
made you feel, you can expect your defensive nature to flare
up. But you can displace new offenses by expressing your love
and concern for the other person.
If your partner gets the courage to admit what is bothering
them, you may want to retaliate instead of accepting
responsibility for the offense. These are important moments to
stay focused on the needs of the other person instead of on
yourself. If you shut your spouse down now, they might not
open up again.
It requires great maturity to be able to listen to your
spouse’s honesty and consider words without getting hurt
again. Dave and I have been married for years, and we are only
beginning to be able to talk about our hurts and wounds with
this new level of maturity. But the good news is that it is
possible and it is necessary.
Perhaps once every couple of months the two of you could
go out to dinner and practice your healing skills on each other.
Through confrontation skills, you bring correction. Through
healing skills, you let old wounds be medicated so they will no
longer infect your relationship.
You could begin by saying, “I want you to share with me
openly and honestly, and tell me if there things that I’m doing
that are bothering you or hurting you because I love you and I
don’t want to hurt you anymore. If I’m doing things that are
hurting our relationship, then please tell me about it.”
A healthy way to respond is to say, “When you do _____, it
makes me feel _____. I wish you would _____.”
A good response to that new information is to simply say,
“Thank you for telling me how you feel. I am glad you trust me
enough to tell me that, and I want to make the changes that
you need. I will prayerfully try to respond to your needs the
way Jesus would.”
Can you imagine what a difference it would make in your
relationship if you could simply take turns expressing your
needs to each other?
Can you imagine what a difference that would make in your
relationships if you could simply take turns expressing your
needs to each other?
I could say, “Dave, is there anything I’m doing that really
bothers you? What area would you like to see me come up
higher in so I can be a better wife.”
If he knew it was safe to be honest with me, he could use
this privilege to say, “Well, Joyce, it really bothers me when I
try to correct you about little things around the house, like not
hanging up a towel over the sink. We bought this house and
God has given me the logic to see some of the things that we
can do and take better care of it, and I feel like every time I
suggest one of those things to you, you think I am ‘nit picky’
and don’t regard my idea as important. But it’s important to
me.”
That was bugging him, and it bothered him more than a little
bit. I had no idea it was starting to eat at him, but I could tell he
was starting to get unhappy.
And he said, “When I ask you to do something, I wish you
would respect me enough to just say, ‘Sure, honey. If that’s
something that you don’t want me to do, I’ll be more than
happy to do that for you,’ and not make me feel like a moron
every time I mention something like that.” His honesty was
hard to swallow, but by my receiving it, our relationship
improved.
A lot of healing comes through understanding and giving
value and honor to a person who is worthy of esteem. But
when people are full of insecurities, they cannot be corrected.
When you ask for honesty, and your spouse gives you their
wish list, remember that the Bible says that only a fool hates
correction. Be thankful if your spouse tells you ways to
improve your relationship. Hopefully, they will give you the
same opportunity you are giving them.
I don’t recommend giving a lifetime list at one time. Pray and
start with the most important one or two things that are on
your heart. Be sure to keep voice tones gentle and keep a smile
or pleasant look on your face. Voice tones and body language
will determine partially whether or not the conversation remains
peaceful.
A pastor told me once about a young man who worked for
him, who was a master at taking correction. He told me the
following story, “This guy is unbelievable. I called him into my
office to chew him out about something that he did wrong, and
he sat across from my desk and looked me in the eye and said,
‘Oh, Pastor, thank you. Thank you for correcting me. I am so
glad that you love me enough to take the time to do this and to
tell me what I’m doing wrong. Because God put me here to help
you, and if I’m not doing it the way that you want it done, then
I want it changed. And I’m happy that you’re talking to me.’”
Then he added, “Sometimes I call him in there to chew him
out, and am dreading it, but by the time he leaves, I’m feeling
good about doing it.” That may sound a little bit extreme, but
wouldn’t it be great if every confrontation was soothed over
with such a healing response? It is hard to bring things into the
place of unity if every request for somebody to do something a
different way results in a war.
Our own pride and insecurity make it difficult for us to
receive correction. If someone tries to tell another person they
are doing something wrong and that person already struggles
with a lack of self-worth, then their fears are reestablished and
they become defensive. The solution is not to avoid correction,
but to affirm each other in love when we present our
suggestions. If you are struggling in this area, I encourage you
to read my book titled The Root of Rejection in which I have
expounded upon the Scriptures you can lean on to build
yourself up to a healthy, godly state again and find freedom
from rejection.
 It is good to recognize this need in yourself, and admit to
your spouse when you need affirmation or encouragement.
Trust your spouse enough to admit the fears and doubts that
you have about yourself. When you understand each other’s
insecurities, you can learn how to strengthen them. These
meaningful moments of honesty can enhance relationships
with lasting reinforcement.
A person who is still dealing with a shame-based nature
already feels wrong because wrong things have happened to
them. Extra care may need to be given by saying to them,
“Honey, you know I love you; you are great, and most
everything you do is right …” Don’t just start in with your list
of what is wrong. Even partners with a healthy sense of self-
esteem should be treated with thoughtfulness and honor. Be
loving, kind, gentle, and humble as you focus on building up
your wounded spouse.
Dave and I were not always good at confrontational issues.
If we got into something and confrontation was starting, Dave
would just get up and walk away from it. If I followed him
around the house long enough, he would finally get in the car
and just leave.
I asked him once, “Why can’t we talk about this?”
And finally, he said, “Because we aren’t talking. You are
talking and I’m listening. You’re good with words and I’m not.
You’re manipulating me and I don’t like it.”
Dave does have a much harder time expressing what he
wants to say, while I can talk anybody into a corner and
convince them of my point. So when you do sit down and try
to communicate with somebody, you need to lay down some
ground rules to create a safe place for confrontation. But don’t
give up until you find a way to communicate your needs and
find out what your spouse is needing.
And above all things have fervent charity among
yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.
1 Peter 4:8 KJV
Love may be blind to someone’s faults, but insecurity is
overcome by true admiration. Building a strong relationship
requires a lot of forgiveness. The Bible has a lot to say about
forgiveness; for example, we know our prayers won’t be
answered if we don’t forgive others. If we are going to live
peacefully with anybody we must be quick to forgive and not
easily offended.
There are just things that your partner will do that you are
not going to like, and there are things you will do that will
irritate those who live with you. Your spouse will say things
and do things that you don’t want said or done and you will
simply have to let it go and proceed through the day about
your business. Even some of the bigger hurts that people have
done to you need to be forgiven.
But the other key to building a solid relationship is
repentance. For love to abound between two people, nothing
brings healing faster than to simply say, “Honey, I was wrong,
and I shouldn’t have treated you that way, and I’m sorry. Will
you please forgive me?”
Luke 17:3 says,
Pay attention and always be on your guard [looking out
for one another]. If your brother sins (misses the mark),
solemnly tell him so and reprove him, and if he repents
(feels sorry for having sinned), forgive him.
If Dave and I have had a problem, it is my responsibility
before God to always forgive him. But Scriptures also say that
if your brother repents, forgive him. I have seen situations
where one spouse has done something wrong and is obviously
sorry, but the other partner will not let it go. But Luke 17:4 says
that if your brother repents, you must forgive him.
And even if he sins against you seven times in a day, and
turns to you seven times and says, I repent [I am sorry],
you must forgive him (give up resentment and consider
the offense as recalled and annulled).
What if someone hurts you and does not repent? I don’t
believe they can receive forgiveness if they are not repentant,
but you still need to forgive. You need to forgive for yourself
but also in order to release God to work in the heart of the other
person. Don’t put the person in prison by holding an offense
against them until you feel they have paid their debt. (See
Matthew 18:28-35.) God is your Vindicator — let Him do His
job.
You need to forgive. God is your Vindicator — let Him do His
job.
The offended party that is hurt has a responsibility to
forgive, but the offending party has a responsibility to repent.
If they don’t repent, then that situation is not truly reconciled;
it’s buried in the subconscious and leaves an open wound
there.
Many people are very unhappy and even physically sick
due to unconfessed and hidden sin in their heart. We recently
had a young man come to us who had done something
dishonest when he worked for us. We felt he had stolen some
money, but he adamantly insisted that he had not. When he
confessed and I asked him if he had felt guilty all that time, he
shared that he actually had buried the sin so far down in his
subconscious that he did not even remember doing it. He said
he had even convinced himself that he had not done it. It only
surfaced through some counseling he was getting to help
uncover the root of his extreme passivity.
A person’s sin always finds them out one way or another. If
someone has wronged you and they won’t admit it, that
unconfessed sin will continue hurting them in one way or
another until that open wound is cleaned out and healed.
When we teach on confrontation in seminars, Dave often
points out that the confrontation is not designed to place
blame somewhere. Its purpose is to find a solution that will
bring healing and not more pain. Some wounds take time to
heal and as we make changes, we need to be patient while
waiting to see the results we want. Love never fails, and
healing can be found in a loving environment filled with
acceptance and forgiveness.
 PART 3
THE FRUIT OF MARRIAGE
 15
WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFERENT
FROM ME?
Through skillful and godly Wisdom is a house (a life, a
home, a family) built, and by understanding it is
established [on a sound and good foundation].
Proverbs 24:3

The Word says that understanding establishes a home, a

family, and a life. I enjoyed a major breakthrough in my
relationship with Dave when I discovered that people have
different personalities. This knowledge helped me to
understand why we will seldom approach decisions the same
way. However, these differences don’t have to keep us from
agreement with each other. In fact, diversity is an important
part of God’s plan.
I don’t want to spend a lot of time on the subject of diverse
personalities because there are so many books and studies
available that will help you discover your own personality
preferences and how they differ from your partner’s. Two of
my favorite books on this subject that I encourage everyone to
read because they have taught me a great deal are Your
Personality Tree by Florence Littauer and Spirit-Controlled
Temperament by Tim LaHaye. Much of what I will share here is
a summary of the wisdom Florence Littauer offers in her book,
but I cannot cover in a brief chapter the great detail that is
provided by her extensive studies.
I believe it is so important to understand that these
differences are God-given and are what are intended to make us
strong as a family unit. Without that understanding, we can let
these differences tear us apart instead of strengthening our
family unit and corporate body as they were meant to do.
Our individual temperaments reveal how we approach life in
general. One of these tests that we enjoy working with in our
seminars measures whether you are a sunny-sanguine,
methodical-melancholy, controlling-choleric or a peaceful-
phlegmatic personality. When couples both take these tests at
our weekend advances, partners invariably discover that they
are married to someone who is not at all like themselves.
I want to call your attention to the significance that these
differences have and help you to understand why the person
you are married to is probably not like you. When you
understand that people are different by God’s design, you will
see why you can’t change people or become like them. But, we
can still be in agreement with each other, even though we have
strong personality differences.
When you understand that people are different by God’s
design, you will see why you can’t change people or become
like them.
Occasionally, both husband and wife have the same test
results, and if they both happen to have easygoing
personalities, that’s not much of a problem. But if they are both
in the strong-willed category, then they could have a tendency
to knock heads a lot. An examination of a few Scriptures will
help you see God’s bigger picture when He decided to make us
all be different from each other.
There are also tests that can help you understand which of
the motivational gifts you are most drawn to.1 These spiritual
gifts facilitate your distinctive service in the body of Christ.
Learning to understand the differences that motivate people
will help you to know how to deal with the person you are
married to as well as all the other people that you come into
contact with in your daily life.
For example, Romans 12:6-8,10 explains the various spiritual
gifts that we might have. While each of us can operate in all
these gifts if the Holy Spirit chooses to use us, we are usually
more gifted in one or two of these gifts over the others.
Having gifts (faculties, talents, qualities) that differ
according to the grace given us, let us use them: [He
whose gift is] prophecy, [let him prophesy] according to
the proportion of his faith; [He whose gift is] practical
service, let him give himself to serving; he who teaches,
to his teaching.
He who exhorts (encourages), to his exhortation; he who
contributes, let him do it in simplicity and liberality; he
who gives aid and superintends, with zeal and singleness
of mind; he who does acts of mercy, with genuine
cheerfulness and joyful eagerness.
Love one another with brotherly affection [as members of
one family], giving precedence and showing honor to
one another.
Notice that even though we have different gifts to drive us,
we are to love each other and give precedence to one another.
Whatever gift we have, we should do the best service with it
that we know how to do. While we should honor others, we
should never try to be like someone else. God has the big
picture and best knows how to distribute these gifts to fill the
needs at hand. Many people have spent years of frustration
because they could not understand why they couldn’t do
something that their spouse could do.
I went through a lot of frustration in the earlier years of my
life because I wanted to be like other people I knew. I’m happy
now to be who I am. And I’m glad that I don’t have to look at
my husband any more and say, “Why aren’t I like Dave? Why
can’t I be as easygoing as Dave is? Why do I have to want
things a certain way? Why can’t I just say, ‘Oh, well, it’s OK
with me. Whatever — it’s fine’?”
I tried to be like my artistic neighbor who did crafts, grew
tomatoes, made plant hangers, and sewed her kids’ clothes, but
I couldn’t sit still long enough for any of those things. I did
talk Dave into growing tomatoes one year. That is more my
style; I’m bossy, so I got him to do it, and he is easygoing so
he did it. He didn’t want the tomatoes any more than I did, but
he did it to keep peace.
He grew the tomatoes and the first year the bugs ate them.
We tried it again the second year and the bugs came again.
Then I thought, Why in the world would anybody want to do
this when you can go to the grocery store and buy canned
tomatoes, three cans for a dollar on sale (in 1981)? It was no
longer logical for me, but I tried to do that because my
neighbor did that.
I even bought a sewing machine and took sewing lessons. I
about drove myself crazy sitting down in the basement sewing,
ripping out seams, and putting in hems. After all that work, one
arm would turn out shorter than the other one. I hated it, but
kept trying to be like my friend.
Now I think that it is great that my neighbor liked to do all
those things. I’m thankful for the people who grow tomatoes. If
nobody grew tomatoes, we wouldn’t even have canned
tomatoes in the store that people like me could go buy. But I’ll
probably never grow another tomato as long as I live.
I’m happy to tell you that I’m free from sewing and growing
tomatoes. It’s important to enjoy who you are because self-
assurance affects your marriage. If you don’t like yourself, you
won’t be likable and you won’t like anyone else.
If you have not accepted yourself and resist God’s design
for you, you can forget getting along with that person you are
married to. For years, I struggled to walk in love and get along
with people. Finally God showed me that I had not received His
love for me because I was still mad at myself for all the things
in my past. I came to understand that if I did not receive God’s
love for me, then I could never love myself, and if I never loved
myself, I could certainly never love anybody else because I
didn’t have any love in me to give away.
Insecurity is the deep root of most problems in marriages. If
you can be at peace with yourself enough to like yourself, you
can look outward to loving others. I’m not promoting self-love
that is self-seeking or has a self-centered focus, but each
individual should realize what his or her own strengths, as well
as weaknesses, are. I know what my weaknesses are and I can
face myself squarely now. I don’t feel bad about myself
because of them.
Self-acceptance isn’t the same as a haughty attitude. I
understand that everyone has weaknesses, and we are to build
each other up if we are strong in an area where another person
is weak. God never intended us to be self-sufficient and
independent. Remember that He was the One Who said we
shouldn’t be alone. Our ministry gifts and diverse personalities
are designed to complement each other. Our talents are not in
us for self-admiration but for service to others.
Our diverse ministry gifts and personality types are designed
to complement each other. Our talents are given to us for
service to others.
Dave has a phlegmatic personality; he is so easygoing he
never makes waves along his journey As a choleric, I make
waves everywhere I go. If something isn’t right, individuals
with my personality type will try to change it. Dave’s
easygoing nature makes his weaknesses less visible than mine
because I am always right in the middle of things, trying to
move them and make things happen. We all have weaknesses
and in that we are all alike.
We all have strengths, too. Dave is strong at things in which
I am pitifully weak. There are areas in which I am strong and he
is weak. The point is, until you get rooted in self-acceptance
you are not going to get along with people. As long as you are
trying to change everybody around you and mold them into
your idea of what you think they ought to be, your war will
continue.
Only God can get inside of a person and change them from
the inside out. Dave was smart enough to know that he had to
wait on God to make those changes in my life that were causing
so much unhappiness. You can still tell somebody that you
need them to stop doing something or start doing something
else, but a person can’t change just because you want them to.
Romans 12:3 says, For by the grace (unmerited favor of
God) given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate
and think of himself more highly than he ought. … This is a
good Scripture that every person ought to have rooted in their
soul. Be careful how you think about yourself. Be careful about
those haughty thoughts that say, “Well, I can do this. Why
can’t you?” Verse 3 continues, … [not to have an exaggerated
opinion of his own importance], but to rate his ability with
sober judgment, each one according to the degree of faith
apportioned by God to him.
This means that whatever strengths we have, we got them
from God. Whatever grace we have to do things a certain way,
we got it from God. If another person doesn’t have those
strengths, we need to bear with their failings and their
shortcomings and be merciful to them and have understanding
for them instead of getting a haughty attitude that makes us
feel like we are better than the other person because we can do
what they can’t.
We need to understand that some people are more talented
than other people. Some preachers can preach and sing. They
make records and have beautiful voices. They can come in,
lead worship, play four or five musical instruments, and preach
besides. Sometimes I feel like all I can do is preach. I can’t sing;
in fact the technicians turn my microphone off when the
singing starts. There was a time in my life when that bothered
me.
I thought, Why can’t I do that? Or, Why can’t I have these
certain gifts? We all struggle with being satisfied with who we
are, but we must understand that God gives the gifts.
Some five, some two, some one. He gives gifts to people
according to how He has built them, according to what God
knows that they can handle, and according to the need of the
people with whom they will come in contact. It’s God’s
business how He makes us. Maybe God knows that if I could
preach and sing, I’d get into pride. Maybe with my personality
it’s better for me if I can only preach and not sing. I use a lot of
ministry examples because that’s what I spend all my time
doing, but you can certainly apply this to any area of your life
that you choose to.
What was wrong with me that I couldn’t do all that my
neighbor could do? If I would sew a button on Dave’s shirt, it
would probably fall off the next day, so Dave puts his own
buttons on his own shirt. I just don’t do those kinds of things
well at all, but I do what I am called to do well, so I have learned
to enjoy my calling. I am not trying to do something that I’m
not anointed and equipped to do. The good news is I don’t
have to feel bad about myself anymore because I can’t do all
those other things and wonder what is wrong with me.
First Corinthians 4:7 clearly warns us not to boast of our
own gifts and talents: … What have you that was not given to
you? If then you received it [from someone], why do you boast
as if you had not received [but had gained it by your own
efforts]? I like this Scripture. It is thought provoking to search
for some quality in our lives that we did not receive. If we did
receive it then why would we glory as if praise was due to us
for our gift?
Dave doesn’t preach and I’m gifted to do so. What sense
would it make for Dave to go around hating himself all of his
life because he can’t preach? In the beginning of our ministry,
a pastor stopped us at the door of the church and said,
“Brother Dave, the Lord has revealed to me that you ought to
be leading that Bible study in your home and not your wife.”
So we went home, thinking we needed to try to do that. Dave
tried to preach and I tried to shut up, and both efforts were
equally hard. God had not equipped us to do what this other
person thought we ought to do. Dave has a good, balanced
attitude toward our ministry now. His isn’t submitting to me,
his wife, but he does submit to the gift in me and I submit to
him as his wife.
Dave recognizes that God has put this gift in me, and he
finally got to the point with me where he said, “Go for it. Do
everything that God’s put in you. Be all you can be, and I’m
going to back you up 100 percent because God has given me to
you to help you and keep you in balance and make sure that
you don’t get in trouble while you’re out there doing it. And
I’m going to be your covering.”
God gave me the gift to communicate His Word, and I can’t
glory in the fact that I do the preaching part of our ministry
because I didn’t go after it or earn it. We have a good thing
going here that is helping hundreds of thousands of people,
but we could all have been cheated out of God’s blessing and
remained miserable our whole lives if Dave would have kept
trying to preach and if I would have tried to be quiet. We didn’t
conform to society; we submitted to God’s plan for our
individual lives.
I encourage you to be all that you can be, but do not despise
yourself if you can’t be something that somebody else can and
don’t despise others who are not like you. Jesus puts up with
all of our weaknesses. He is long-suffering and patient with us.
When we make mistakes, He doesn’t clam up and refuse to talk
to us. The Bible teaches us to be like Jesus in the way we treat
others. We are to be tolerant towards others through their
weaknesses and faults. Every person has weaknesses. We will
never find the perfect church, the perfect pastor, or the perfect
spouse.
 When you are married to somebody long enough, and your
love has grown, you may get to the point where you think your
spouse is perfect after all. I think my husband is nearly perfect.
But I know the weaknesses that he has, and I accept them and
he accepts a lot of mine, so I don’t keep inventory on his
weaknesses. You can enjoy the strengths that a person has
instead of focusing on his weaknesses all the time.
To assist in recognizing strengths and weaknesses in other
people, a study has been done on four major personality types.
Usually, a person fits one of these descriptions or a blend of
two. See if you recognize you and your spouse in these
models. In general, a choleric wants to control, phlegmatic
wants to watch, sanguine wants to have fun, and a melancholy
wants to have peace and order and perfection. Being a choleric,
myself, I frequently compare the other traits against my own
personality to illustrate the differences we share.

SUNNY SANGUINE
The sanguine normally loves to talk and is highly motivated
by “fun.” These personality types believe life was meant to be
enjoyed, and they are not too interested in hard labor if fun is
not incorporated in the task somehow.
Sanguines are never bored because everything about life
fascinates them. They can be interested in a bug, a thread, or a
fly. After a few minutes of studying it, they can tell you a big
long story about it.
Sanguines are always ready to start a new day unbefuddled
by yesterday’s problems. They are fearless and full of optimism
for tomorrow.
My daughter, Sandra, is a sparky sanguine. She greets us
every morning with a song or bubbly conversation. When I get
out of bed, I don’t even want anybody talking to me, let alone
singing at me! There is nothing wrong with singing, but my
choleric nature wants it quiet in the morning.
When you are a certain way, then people who are different
can irritate you if you don’t understand the difference in their
nature. The girl that used to live next door to me was a
sanguine. She and I were good friends, and I remember how
she would often point out something I had not even noticed.
One time she said, “Oh, did you see that cat over there in that
tree?” She went on to explain that it was a certain kind of
unusual cat and seemed quite amused to see it in the tree. I
didn’t even see the tree let alone the cat because trees and cats
aren’t interesting to me.
Cholerics, like me, only pay attention to what’s important to
them, only what helps them accomplish their goal. They don’t
care about anything else. I am so single minded on this
ministry that God has to pull me up short every once in a while
and say, “You need to get your mind on something else for a
while.” I am driven by what God has given me to do, and so I
spend all my energies on this goal, and of course I want
everybody around me to do it, too. Cats and trees don’t impact
my goal so I don’t even see them.
Now that I understand personality types, I am better about
paying attention to sanguines who want to give me all the
details of a story, but there was a time I easily frustrated the
sanguines in my life as much as they were frustrating me.
While the choleric wonders why the sanguine can’t just tell the
point and finish the story, the sanguine would rather not tell
the story at all if they can’t tell you all those wonderful details.
If you understand that just because a person is different
from you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them,
you will start to enjoy their differences.
Sanguines are great company if you want to start a new
project because they are easily inspired to try new plans. They
may find it difficult to stay with the task to the end, but they
will certainly charm you by their sincere affection that they
have for people. Sanguines like to be with people, and they will
often hold on to you to keep you from getting away from them.
Once you understand that just because a person is different
from you, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them,
you will start to enjoy their differences.
In these studies it is nearly as fun to look at weaknesses as it
is to look at strengths because these tendencies are typical
now to groups of personality types rather than faults of an
individual. While we do not have to feel badly about these
weaknesses, we must face them if we want to change.
The sanguine can easily get distracted from intended goals
because of her fun-seeking nature. Her spontaneity can leave
her disorganized and unfulfilled. She may have high goals for
the day. First she is going to attack the pile of laundry, then the
dishes. After cleaning the house, she will go to the bank and
the grocery store. Her melancholy husband even listed her
priorities for her before he left for work.
She was going to have a productive day. But you have to
remember that sanguines are not excited about work. When her
friend calls and says, “Hey! How about going to garage
sales?”, she is off in a flash! When her husband asks why
none of the errands were accomplished by the end of the day,
she honestly doesn’t know. The sanguines have to work at
self-discipline in order to live up to potential. The good thing
about their weakness is they don’t care that they aren’t living
up to their potential so they just keep enjoying life.
A sanguine often marries a melancholy. The melancholy is
more the depressed, deep type, and the bubbly sanguine
balances him out even though one is in the basement all the
time and the other one is on the roof. The sanguine fits the
cliché, “He never gets ulcers; he just gives them to everyone
else.”

METHODICAL
MELANCHOLY
The melancholy has by far the most sensitive nature of all
the temperaments. Most of the geniuses come out of the
melancholy temperament. Einstein and Michelangelo were both
melancholies. Michelangelo studied the human anatomy and
prepared for months before he painted the Sistine Chapel. If a
sanguine were going to paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel,
he would do it with a can of spray paint. Even then, he would
probably leave his paint down on the floor and have to crawl
back down from the ceiling to get it.
Whatever God has called us to be, He equips us with the
abilities and the personality needed to accomplish that task. He
wanted Michelangelo to paint that ceiling; it was part of God’s
plan for him, so He equipped him with the ability to plan out
and think through all that needed to be depicted in his art. The
whole point is we are all supposed to work together to facilitate
each other’s gifts for the glory of God. When I look at our
ministry, it is phenomenal to see how each individual is
equipped with just exactly what they need for their part. I
couldn’t do this without them, and yet, they couldn’t do what
they are doing without me.
Whatever God has called us to be, He equips us with the
abilities and the personality needed to accomplish that task.
Melancholy temperaments are creative thinkers who
appreciate life’s true values and excel in the arts. They enjoy
perfection and lift the standard of excellence often with higher
expectations than most of us can achieve.
One woman said that she was married to a perfect
melancholy, who was so neat and orderly that when he put his
shoes in the closet, he actually tied the strings in bows and put
them all in a nice and neat row together. Our friend and ministry
associate Roxane is a melancholy, and when she heard that
story, she said, “You know, I don’t tie the strings, but I do put
all the strings inside my shoes when I line them up in the
closet.”
The melancholy’s tendency is to set goals of perfection that
he cannot reach, which causes him to spend a great deal of
time internalizing what went wrong. He will sit around for days
and think about how he can change it. He tries to sort out what
is wrong with himself that keeps him from the perfection that he
deeply desires. Consequently, he searches for details that most
of us find tedious.
Whenever a project is suggested by a choleric or a sanguine
temperament, Mr. Melancholy can analyze it in a few moments
and pick out every potential problem that they will encounter.
They always point out the problems but those problems are
real issues for them. Anything out of order genuinely bothers
them.
It was so hard for me and the melancholy personalities who
worked for me until I learned what was happening between us.
I’m real positive and goal oriented. When I dream up a project,
there is nothing that is too hard for me to plow through and
make work. I present my idea with a hip, hip, hooray, and those
melancholies quickly sink into deep introspection. I’m shocked
when they don’t meet me with enthusiasm, but now I
understand that they are processing the details involved in my
idea and will most likely be the ones to come forward with a
working design in a few hours.
My phlegmatic husband can look at me with a blank face and
honestly feel no excitement whatsoever. The melancholies are
quickly telling me every little thing that is wrong with my plan,
but thank goodness for those sanguines. They are my best
cheerleaders if it sounds like fun. As long as it is exciting, they
don’t care. They nod their head in agreement, encouraging me
to keep talking. But now that I understand their personalities, I
can affectionately accept each one of those people for where
they are.
You have to understand that a melancholy can’t help seeing
those problems any more than I can help not seeing them.
When a melancholy enters a room he sees what is wrong with
it, seldom what is right with it. The list of vocations given for
this temperament includes mathematics, science, diagnostic
medicine, architecture, philosophy, writing, and other exacting
vocations.
The melancholy temperaments are naturally faithful to their
friends and easily lay aside their own interests to serve those
people they love. They are usually uncomfortable when the
attention is on them, and they often choose a profession that
improves the quality of life for others.
While a pure melancholy reserves his opinions until asked, a
melancholy-choleric will quickly volunteer everything he
thinks. And you can trust that he has been thinking about
everything; yes, any topic, in great detail, and his answer will
be worth listening to because it has been carefully analyzed.
Most everyone swings to a second nature that causes a
unique blend of tendencies. A melancholy-phlegmatic would
operate differently from a melancholy-choleric.
The melancholy has many weaknesses that I won’t cover in
detail, but their greatest strength and their greatest weakness is
that they are extremely sensitive. If you are hurting, the
melancholy knows it and empathizes for your hurt. However,
the weak side of that is that they get upset if you don’t
understand their needs, and they don’t expect to have to tell
you what they are. Because they are so sensitive, they feel like
that everybody else ought to be that way, too. They don’t
understand why others aren’t sensitive, too.
Melancholies are creative, orderly, and organized, but their
detrimental weakness is self-centeredness, which makes them
hard to please. Too much self-examination can stop them from
accomplishing what they start out to do. If you just think about
your imperfections all the time, you will be paralyzed and
drained of energy.
The melancholy can overcome his weakness by becoming
more outwardly focused. His self-centered viewpoint will
destroy him if left to entertain itself. He can never be as perfect
as he wants to be, so he must turn his strengths toward
helping others enjoy the finer things of life.
CONTROLLING
CHOLERIC
The choleric is determined, confident, and aggressive when
it comes to accomplishing his goals. Consequently, being this
personality myself, I know that it is difficult for this strong
personality to learn how to trust God. To totally trust God, you
have to stop trusting yourself, leaning on yourself, and relying
on yourself, and self-efficiency is not easy for the choleric to
give up.
The choleric has a plan and is in constant movement toward
that plan. He is single-minded towards that purpose and
believes his ideas are better than anyone else’s. The choleric
might not necessarily have as good a plan as the melancholy,
but the choleric will usually succeed because of his dogged
determination and unwillingness to give up. Adversity spurs
him on and makes him more determined to be first at the finish
line. The determination in the choleric is one of his greatest
strengths. I like the Scripture that says, “Put your hand to the
plow and don’t look back.”
The choleric temperament is given over almost exclusively to
the practical aspects of life. We are often complimented that
our teaching is so “practical.” Now you can see that
practicality is part of my personality; I’m almost purely
choleric. If something is not useful, I don’t want to mess with
it.
The choleric is happy when busy with some worthwhile well-
organized project. Cholerics make quick, intuitive decisions
based on their “gut feeling” of what seemed right or wrong. If
you have an emergency, one of the best personalities to have
on the scene is the choleric. They just jump up right away and
do something.
I like the example I read illustrating what these four
personalities would do in a fire.
“If the barn caught on fire, the melancholy would rub her
brow and say, ‘I’m afraid the barn is going to burn to the
ground.’ The phlegmatic would wonder, What should we do?
The choleric would immediately organize a bucket brigade, and
the sanguine would say, ‘Oh, great! Now we can toast
marshmallows.’”
The choleric has a strong leadership tendency, with good
judgment of people and tends to dominate a group. He has an
optimistic, pioneering spirit and will abandon comfort for
adventure. In other words, the bulldog tenacity of this
temperament won’t let go until he gets what he went after.
When I have opposition on something I know is of God, the
challenge just cheers me on. A choleric doesn’t see obstacles
but simply stays focused on the goals.
Some of the choleric’s weaknesses are very serious. He is
often quick to anger, hard, impetuous, and erroneously self-
sufficient. The choleric can seem void of emotion and
compassion and often has a serious emotional deficiency. This
point has driven me to my face to seek God to work His
compassion and concern on the inside of me that I knew that I
was supposed to feel and didn’t.
In the beginning of this ministry, somebody could come up
and tell me an awful story and I would just look at them, not
feeling anything. I literally went before God asking, “What is
my problem?” I prayed and prayed and cried out to God about
this. I fasted and prayed and cried out to God again — and God
changed me in that area.
Now when people tell me things, it will touch me so deeply
that I truly hurt for them. I have a deep concern now for
people’s needs, so our weaknesses can be changed through
prayer. The Holy Spirit can take a thick-skinned choleric and
cause him to lay down his life to help people reach their best in
God. Nothing is too hard for God.
All the personality types have weaknesses, but our
weaknesses can be changed through prayer.
The study showing that many angry cholerics became the
world’s most depraved criminals and dictators didn’t make me
feel real good about myself. Melancholies will feel better about
themselves knowing they aren’t the worst of the bunch after
all. Their depression isn’t nearly as bad as where I could have
ended up. But God got hold of me before my personality led me
to destruction, and I am preaching the Gospel for Jesus Christ.
The choleric’s ability to act quickly can lead him to
impetuous decisions that he later regrets, but his stubborn
pride tenaciously sees him through. He doesn’t always enjoy
his achievements because he is already working on the next
frontier. It is both difficult to apologize or show approval,
which causes great damage in any relationship that he wants to
keep. When empowered by the love of God, the choleric’s
confidence and determination can move mountains that few
others would try to even climb. He is strong willed and a
worker.
PEACEFUL PHLEGMATIC
I heard one lady teaching on the personality types who said,
“We always save the phlegmatics till last because of all the
personalities, if you don’t get around to them, they won’t
care.”
If you run out of time, the melancholy might get depressed,
the choleric will get mad, and the sanguine will have an
emotional fit and chase you around all night wanting to know
what you would have said to them. But the phlegmatic will
sleep well that night whether you talked about him or not. They
may think the whole topic is pointless anyway.
As I have already said, my husband is phlegmatic (bless his
darling heart). I tried so hard to change him before I learned
about these personality traits because I was honestly
convinced that the man was only half-alive. I was always
zipping around the house doing all these exciting things,
working on goals and having visions, telling him we ought to
do this or that. Dave’s standard answer was always, “We’ll
see.”
This is one guy who does not need to hear any message
about waiting on God. He knows how to wait on God. I started
telling Dave what I believed God wanted me to do a long time
ago, and he would say, “Joyce, you are always running out
ahead of God.” I said, “Yeah, and if God wanted you to do
anything, you would be twenty blocks behind.” The
phlegmatic has no enthusiasm about anything, so that’s the
way we started.
Dave was in the background doing nothing and I was way
out in front doing it all. I have the utmost respect for my
husband and in no way am I trying to insult him, but he will tell
you that this is the truth about our personalities. We have a
great marriage now and can see God’s perfect plan for knitting
us together. We both have changed and come into balance.
I’ll never forget the time I asked Dave to help me do our first
radio rally. We do that once a year to inspire our partners to
get involved with our ministry plans. Everything is done in a
radio room without an audience, so we sit in this little square
box of a room with equipment all around us. I had a vision in
my head of all the people out there, so I started in and
introduced Dave to our radio audience.
I said, “Well, praise God, folks, we are excited to be here with
you as we begin this special week of teaching. We’re having
this radio rally, and I believe that you will be encouraged to
become a partner with us.” Then I said, “Dave’s here in the
radio room with me, and he is going to talk to you for a
minute.” I said, “Now, Dave, aren’t we excited?”
He took the microphone and in his peaceful and somber tone
he said, “Yes.” I am telling you the truth, then he added, “Yes,
we are excited.”
I screamed, “Cut! Throw the whole thing away,” and we had
to start all over. He said he was excited, but he did not sound
excited. People just are different and they are the way God
made them. If you want somebody to get excited with you,
never tell a phlegmatic your news; save it for a sanguine.
The unexcitable phlegmatic has a good sense of humor that
keeps him detached from the intensity of life. Mundane
experiences are fuel for his dry wit and keen sense of reality. He
delights in making people laugh. People seek him as a
counselor because he is a good listener. The phlegmatic gives
thoughtful and useful advice. His easygoing nature calms the
storms raging in peoples’ lives, and he has endurance skills
that exceed all the other temperaments.
He is dependable, cheerful, good-natured, thorough, and on
time. He is faithful and loyal to his friends even though he has
a tendency to keep a distance from others. The phlegmatic is
also “practical and efficient.” He stays in the middle of the
road. He’s all-purpose, easygoing, and always the same every
time you see him. Peace is his whole motivation in life.
Nothing bothers Dave. He can wait three months or twenty-
five years for something and he just doesn’t mind. Nothing
disturbs him. People can talk about him, and he doesn’t care.
He is just your easygoing personality. I am hanging from the
rafters everywhere we go, wanting to do this and that, but
Dave’s theme is, “Cast your care.” If Dave was a preacher, he
would have twenty-five tape albums on casting your care on
God. He could come at it from every possible angle imaginable.
He keeps excitable people like me in balance. He throws water
on my fire, and I add fuel to his.
I’ve learned from watching my husband how to enjoy life.
While I was worrying, manipulating, trying to change,
struggling, fussing, and fuming all those years, my husband
enjoyed life. He had peace and joy. In fact, he often does his
best work under circumstances that would cause other
temperaments to crack. His work always bears the hallmark of
neatness and efficiency; although he’s not a perfectionist, he
does have exceptionally high standards of accuracy and
precision.
The melancholy is more likely to be an inventor than the
other personalities, but it is the hard-driving choleric who will
usually produce the melancholy’s invention. The melancholy
has an idea, but the choleric has the determination to bring it
through to a finished state. After it is invented and designed,
the sanguine will be the one to sell it because he always makes
a convincing salesman; the phlegmatic, who did nothing, will
buy it and enjoy it.
It doesn’t take long to list the weaknesses of the
phlegmatics because they are so few. They just enjoy what is
going on around them. They are hard to motivate. But Dave is
one of the freest individuals I have ever seen in my whole life.
Nothing intimidates him.
The phlegmatic is prone to be lazy, often appearing to drag
his feet when he feels coerced into action against his will. He is
content to watch without participating and seldom initiates
projects or plans he is very capable of executing.
To avoid motivation from the other personality types, the
phlegmatic person gives a cold shoulder to the enthused
sanguine, teases the pessimistic melancholy, and meets the
choleric’s excitement with levelheaded common sense to
diffuse his vision of grandeur. If pushed, he can use his cool
wit as a defense until everyone else is upset while he remains
composed. I can talk to Dave about something and he knows
just which buttons to push until I am almost exasperated while
he remains as cool as he can be the whole time.
The phlegmatic weakness is selfishness. He seems to resist
change more out of stubbornness than lack of interest. Most of
the time, phlegmatics will let you have your way about
whatever you want because their main goal in life is peace. But
they have an ironclad will, and if they ever do make their mind
up that you’re not going to do something, you might as well
chill out because they will not be moved. Dave gets like that
with me, and I cannot move him, manipulate him, or talk, beg,
plead, cry, or throw fits enough to get him to change his mind.
Although selfishness is a basic weakness of all four
temperaments, the phlegmatic may be cursed with the heaviest
dose. This weakness leads to indecisiveness over the years
that leaves him lagging behind the activity of the others. The
price he has to pay to get or accomplish what he wants often
outweighs his desire to have it. But through the work of the
Holy Spirit, the phlegmatic can keep you steady when the
storms of life are raging. They are solid rocks when you are
seeking peace.
Sometimes people have other blends in their personality that
for one reason or another have been repressed. The stronger
part of their nature takes over, but the secondary temperament
may need to be developed. This has been the case with Dave.
After he came to work in the ministry full time in 1986, I noticed
he was acting more like a choleric in many instances. Over the
years this has increased to the point that he often seems as
bossy as I am. He has a lot of important responsibility at the
ministry, and I believe God developed this latent part of his
personality at the time in life when he needed it. Had Dave
been very strong willed when we got married, we might have
killed each other. God brought out the phlegmatic side of him
because that was all I could handle at the time.
After years of me bossing Dave around and him not saying
much about it, he started confronting me one day. He politely
and calmly told me that God had held him back all those years
because I could not have taken direction from anyone else, but
God had told him that the time had now come for him to begin
confronting me. My flesh went wild and for a while I am sure
Dave felt as if he was trying to break a wild horse, but in the
end it was good for both of us. When you’re in a battle, always
remember that the end result may be worth enduring the battle
you’re in.
Actually, Dave has gotten stronger and I have gotten milder
over the years. I really don’t mind letting other people be in
charge; I’ve carried enough responsibility in my lifetime to last
forever.
Understanding the various personality types and how they
function can bring positive change to your relationships.
Instead of trying the change the unchangeable, you can learn
to draw from each other’s strengths to firmly establish the
mutual goals you are working toward. I have tried to give you
enough information about the four personalities to initiate your
path to this vital interpersonal tool for understanding each
other. (You may also want to listen to my teaching album
“Understanding Your Mate’s Personality” for more
information.) You can learn to love and appreciate your
differences instead of letting them agitate and separate you
from each other.
Understanding the various personality types and how they
function can bring positive change to your relationships. You
can learn how to draw from each other’s strengths to
accomplish mutual goals.
Our personalities are God-given. I love to watch my
grandkids interact with each other according to their
personalities. One of our grandchildren is so melancholy — it
is just unbelievable. He is a perfectionist who watches to see
that he is getting what everybody else is getting. Another one
is the bossy choleric. Another is the bubbly sanguine, always
getting into trouble in school for talking and moving around.
One is phlegmatic, and the fifth one at this time is a baby and
we can’t tell yet about her. The five of them came from two of
our children, and yet they all have different personalities —
they were born different.
They are just born with a certain approach, and the best part
of understanding them and myself is to realize that we’re not
weird; we’re just different. This understanding will go a long
way toward improving relationships.
 16
TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE
Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to
dwell together in unity! It is like the precious ointment
poured on the head, that ran down on the beard, even the
beard of Aaron [the first high priest], that came down upon
the collar and skirts of his garments [consecrating the
whole body]. It is like the dew of [lofty] Mount Hermon and
the dew that comes on the hills of Zion; for there the Lord
has commanded the blessing, even life forevermore [upon
the high and the lowly].
Psalm 133

A godly marriage results in unity between the married

partners. In this place of agreement, the Lord commands
blessing and life as God’s promised anointing comes upon a
dwelling that is filled with peace. My hope is that once you see
the blessing in store for couples who come into agreement, you
will be eager to find and protect that place of peace in your
own marriage.
I once speculated what would happen if two strong cholerics
got married. Somebody offered, “They would kill each other.”
Another couple in my seminar responded, “We are both
choleric and we have been having a rough time. But we are
glad to be hearing the teaching on personalities; now we realize
that if we ever get in agreement on a goal, everyone else had
better watch out because it is finished! It will happen.”
The Bible says,
Two are better than one, because they have a good return
for their work:
If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the
man who falls and has no one to help him up!
Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But
how can one keep warm alone?
Though one may be overpowered, two can defend
themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 NIV
The three-strand cord is a picture of the power that takes
place when two people agree for something in line with God’s
will for them. As two people become one in agreement with
each other, a power from heaven is released to bless their lives.
Read Matthew 18:19-20 to understand the blessings that await
couples in unity with each other:
As two people become one in agreement with each other, a
power from heaven is released to bless their lives.
Again I tell you, if two of you on earth agree (harmonize
together, make a symphony together) about whatever
[anything and everything] they may ask, it will come to
pass and be done for them by My Father in heaven.
For wherever two or three are gathered (drawn together
as My followers) in (into) My name, there I AM in the
midst of them.
It took me three years before I started to give in and try to
come into agreement with Dave. The first issue I tried to see his
way was over golf. While we were in “disharmony” I was the
one that was miserable. Well, I eventually made him miserable,
too, but my suffering became unbearable. I had no idea the fun
that awaited me if I would just come into agreement with Dave.
When you demand your own way, you are the one who
ends up suffering more than anybody else. God knew I needed
something to do, some kind of entertainment or hobby to give
me rest from the work I love. When I learned to play golf with
Dave, it gave us time together that after all these years we still
enjoy.
Don’t be bullheaded. Determine in your heart that you will
take a new look at every disagreement you have with your
spouse to see what God can do for you if you come together in
agreement. You are most likely missing out on the very answer
you have been hoping to receive.
You can have such fun in your marriage when you begin to
agree with each other. Do you know that God did not put you
together to be miserable? He didn’t put you together to fight,
to pick on each other, to try and change each other, or just to
buy a house together. The Bible says that a woman is to enjoy
her husband. Think about that. I very rarely ever hear a woman
say, “You know what? I really enjoy my husband.” And God
wants us to enjoy each other. He wants us to have fun
together. You need to laugh together and have fun together.
Genesis 2:24 says, Therefore a man shall leave his father
and his mother. … If you are married, but you haven’t left
home (both physically and mentally) you need to take care of
this first step right away. … and shall become united and
cleave to his wife. … Sometimes a wife clings to her mother,
and her mother’s opinions about what she ought to do, or a
man runs to his father for advice when they should be trusting
and leaning on each other. … and they shall become one flesh.
Now the word “cleave” means “to adhere firmly and closely
or loyally and unwaveringly,”1 to “be joined (together),”
“stick.”2 In other words “cleave” means to be glued to each
other. Matthew 19:4,5 says,
He replied, Have you never read that He Who made them
from the beginning made them male and female, And
said, For this reason a man shall leave his father and
mother and shall he united firmly (joined inseparably) to
his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?
Notice that these Scriptures don’t say the two are one flesh
the minute they get married. It says the two shall become one.
Now, how are two joined as one? Most of the people reading
this book probably have enough teaching in the Word of God
to know that you are a spirit, you have a soul, and you live in a
body. You are a spirit being; you are not a body. For example,
you can present an image of yourself to everybody that is a
totally different person than that one who lives on the inside of
you.
The real you is in the inner man. You have a personality and
then beyond that you have a spirit. When a person gets born
again, the Spirit of God comes to dwell on the inside of man’s
spirit. So you are a spirit being; you have a soul which is made
up of your mind, your will, and your emotions that is
demonstrated through your personality. You have a body
which everyone can see.
So how do these two people who are spirit beings with very
different personalities, who don’t think alike, who don’t feel the
same about a lot of different things, who don’t even many
times like the same kind of food become one? We do know that
it doesn’t just happen when you both say, I do. “Becoming
one” is a process that takes time.
The Hebrew word for “one” in Strong’s Exhaustive
Concordance is reference number 259, echad (ekh-awd’) and
means united as one. Other descriptive words are “alike” and
“together.”3 It comes from the root word (#258) that means to
“unify” as to “collect (one’s thoughts): — go one way or
other.”4 This depicts a unity or agreement in body, soul, and
spirit. To be totally unified, then you must be one in all three
areas.
If both people in a marriage relationship are not born again
and walking with God, then they will never be joined spiritually.
You become joined as one spiritually through your union with
Christ Jesus. (1 Corinthians 6:17.) If you are both one with
Christ in spirit, then you are one with each other in Him.
Couples who do not have Christ as the center of their marriage
are having trouble and most are not making it. One out of every
two people who are getting married are not staying married.
Even Christian marriages can have many problems, but the
hope of Jesus keeps light in their relationship to direct their
paths. Jesus has to be the prime focus in the home if you want
things to be the way that they’re supposed to be.
The Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 6:16 that two people are
joined in body through the sexual relationship. So the physical
process of becoming one happens quickly and even our
society acknowledges husbands and wives as “one body,”
sharing equal ownership of property and legally obligated to
each other’s debts.
If you are both one with Christ in spirit, then you are one with
each other in Him.
If you are both born again, then the spiritual union is in
place. That doesn’t mean you are both on equal wavelengths,
as one may be more mature in knowledge of spiritual things
than the other. One may be Spirit-filled and the other one not,
or one may be letting Jesus be the Lord of their life while the
other one has just made a profession of faith but hasn’t started
submitting to God. Being born again you are still in agreement
over Jesus as Savior and know that you are both heaven
bound.
The longest part of the process of becoming one is usually
in the area of the soul. Couples are sometimes slow to agree in
the way they think about things. How does this process of
mental agreement take place? Most marital problems include
strife from communication problems, sexual misunderstanding,
money, goals, and how to discipline the kids. All of these
things get worked out between us in the soulish realm of our
union. They don’t have as much to do with the spirit or the
body as they do with what we think about those areas. We can
know spiritually what is the right thing to do, but that doesn’t
mean that we will end up doing it.
And so, the primary focus of our agreement needs to be in
the soul — the mind, the will, and the emotions. Your mind tells
you what you think; the will tells you what you want; and your
emotions tell you what you feel. When God first called me into
ministry, I wanted to jump in full time, but Dave didn’t want
any part of it. He just wanted to go to work every day. He was
a great, fun-loving guy, a good father, and a good husband
who played a lot of golf, watched a lot of sports on television,
and was easy to get along with.
Basically, Dave’s will was to continue doing what he had
previously enjoyed. He didn’t have goals beyond that. He was
satisfied to go to work, bring home the money, watch a little
television, play a little golf, and wrestle with the kids.
But God called me to preach, and I had a worldwide vision to
go out and get people saved who are dying and going to hell. I
wanted to help people to get their lives back together. And
Dave just told me, “I don’t want to do that.”
We had a problem, didn’t we? But God changed Dave’s will
in that area. I admit that for a while, I tried to change him, by
harping on it, arguing with him, and nagging him with, “You’re
not producing anything. If we will do this, we can help a lot of
people.” But he firmly said, “I don’t want to do that. I just
don’t want to do that.”
Finally, one day the Lord said to me, “Joyce, why don’t you
just go do what I told you to, and just let Dave do what he
wants to. Just love him and go do what I’m telling you to do.”
Dave never told me I couldn’t do it; he just didn’t want to do it
with me.
After three weeks, Dave came to me and said, “For three
weeks, God has been dealing with me.” (As soon as I stopped
dealing with Dave, God started working on him.) He continued,
“I believe that you are called to do what you say you are called
to do. I want you to know that from now on I’m going to
support you in it. When you go out and teach, I’ll go with you
and support you in things like that.”
My point is that Dave’s will was set in one direction, but
God wooed Dave’s heart to comply with His own. If the two
people are going to be in agreement where their will is
concerned, they will have to lift things up to God and say,
“Father, if I’m wrong about this, then change my mind or
change my will.” God is the One Who will bring you into
agreement, both to His will and purpose for your lives. You
must be willing to be brought into agreement with that other
person.
The Bible says that we are supposed to be in agreement.
Dave and I have personalities that are about as far opposite as
we could get. Yet God has brought us more and more together
to where we are starting to think more alike and want more of
the same things every day. We still have two different
personalities, and now we can see that God put our differences
together on purpose. It was not an accident because God knew
we each have strengths and weaknesses that will complete the
other when we become one.
The idea of saying, “Why aren’t you like me?” is no longer a
question in our hearts. We realize that we need each other to
be exactly who God created us to be. We no longer pick on
each other’s weaknesses — instead we partake of our
strengths and enjoy one another.

HOW CAN WE AGREE?

Amos 3:3 asks, “How can two walk together unless they be
agreed?” Two people going in opposite directions are hard to
unify. Matthew 18:19, says, … if two of you on earth agree
(harmonize together, make a symphony together) about
whatever [anything and everything] they may ask, it will
come to pass and be done for them by My Father in heaven.
If God can find two people on earth who will agree, He says,
“Anything that those two people ask, I will do it.” He isn’t
saying that you can just agree about the one thing you believe
for; He is talking about living a life of agreement where you are
walking in love and unity so that everything you ask will be
granted.
There are no two people who are in a more important
position to get in agreement than a married couple. God has
done so much for Dave and me since we have gotten out of
strife and learned to humble ourselves to the point that we
don’t have to be right all the time. Many wars are started in our
homes over some nit-picky thing that doesn’t make any
difference at all, such as whether to go left or right out of the
subdivision when both streets go to the same store.
If you want to have power in your marriage, and power in
your prayer life, then you have to be rid of the spirit of strife,
get all traces of it out of your home, and commit to finding your
way to agreement. You can learn how to “disagree agreeably”
without causing strife. I’m not saying you have to think exactly
the same thing, but if you respect one another, you can
disagree with manners by saying, “Well, honey, I don’t really
agree with that, but we don’t have to agree all the time.”
We have a right to think for ourselves. If we want to have
good relationships, we need to respect the different opinions
of others. One of our greatest relational problems is that we
draw out our little square box of what we think everything
ought to be like and then we try to cram everybody into it.
The big question is how do people who are not of one mind
get in agreement? The will, as I have pointed out, represents
your wants, wishes, and desires. As you grow in Christ, you
will become less self-centered. Without Christ, you will always
be focused on yourself, but if Christ is at the center of your
heart, you will see the needs of others and feel compassion to
help them achieve their desires, too. If you want to have a
good relationship in your home, you’ve got to learn to lay
aside your personal wants for the good of the entire family
unit.
For example, Dave once had a Z28. My husband got this
idea that he had to have a sports car and he wanted a Z28. It
may have been a crisis of his change of life, but he was feeling
his youth again and wanted the car while he was young
enough to enjoy it. Some men go out and look for a younger
woman, but Dave just wanted a sports car, and he wanted it
with four on the floor. Thank God they didn’t have his color
with a four-speed transmission. They couldn’t find one
anywhere, so he got an automatic transmission, but he got so
good at shifting that it wasn’t any different than if he’d had
four on the floor.
So picture Dave taking me to these meetings where I’m
going to preach and here we go, Rrrrrrrrrrr, Rrrrrrrrr. We would
zip around the corner, and he would shift it into another gear
— Rrrrrrrrrr. I’m trying to pray and read my Bible while lunging
back and forth as Dave plays with the automatic gears.
I felt like I was already sitting on the floor, and then we
would pull up to a meeting, Rrrrrr, Rrrrrrr, and I would have to
unfold my body to get out of his toy. I hated that car. I truly
despised that car. Our family wouldn’t fit in it and Dave was
real picky about it. He didn’t want anybody to do anything to
it.
I took the thing to the grocery store one day. When I drove
it back into the garage and touched the garage wall a little bit,
that put a little scratch on it. I was petrified to tell him. Well, he
was kind to me about it, but the point is that Dave bought
something that really wasn’t for the good of our whole family
unit. It was something he wanted; it cost a lot of money. The
payment on it was high. But it was not meeting our needs as a
family unit. He had it about a year, and I begged him and
pleaded and finally he sold it and we bought a van.
Now many years have passed, and Dave actually has a few
older cars that he has collected over the years, high
performance cars that he really enjoys. It is a different time in
our life now. We don’t need to put our children in the backseat
of the car, and besides, I have my own car, which is big enough
for six people if need be. He drives the cars he has collected,
and I rarely ever even ride in them.
At certain times in life we may want something, but it is out
of season for us to get it. This time in our life is a much better
time for Dave to own that kind of car than the first time he got
one. It has always been a desire of his heart, and I want him to
have his desires.
Dave and I are in agreement about the cars now; when he
had the Z28 we were not. It took us a year, but we found a
place of agreement. That is the most powerful, safest place to
be. Even though I am strong willed, I won’t do things that
Dave does not agree with because I know the importance of
unity. The only way I go ahead with something if he does not
agree is when we agree that we can disagree agreeably. In
other words, it might not be what he would do, but he will allow
me to do it without any animosity. It took us a long time to
work through all these various things, but thank God we have,
and so can you.
Agreement comes when the people involved stop being
selfish. A lot of Christians still deal with selfishness. All that
selfishness amounts to is, “I want what I want when I want it,
and I don’t really care what you want because I want what I
want.” Selfishness is an immature focus on our own selves.
 If each one of us will learn to voice our wants, but choose
what is best and serves everybody in the family unit, then we
will find peace. The key is to care about what the other person
needs and be willing to humble ourselves and do what we can
to meet those needs.
If each one of us will learn to voice our wants, but choose
what is best and serves everybody in the family unit, then we
will find peace.
Parents, I encourage you to consider the opinions and
desires of your children also. Obviously, we cannot allow our
children to run the home, but they do have desires, likes, and
dislikes even as adults do. You as an adult might like oriental
food, but your children may not like it at all. It would be an act
of selfishness to insist on oriental restaurants when you go out
if you do it too often. Even though they are children, I believe
it is pleasing to God when we consider their desires and
respect them. We should never have the attitude, “Well, I’m
the boss here; you just keep quiet and do what I say.”
Always search to find the place of agreement. Look for a
place to eat that everyone can agree on. Dave and I practice
this when shopping for furniture. We frequently don’t like the
same thing, so we have agreed that we won’t buy something
that only one of us likes; we will look until we find something
we both like.
There is no reward in living selfish, self-centered lives, but
the possibilities are unlimited when we live in agreement with
others. God then promises to give us anything we ask for —
that is in His will.
 17
THE LOGIC OF LOVE
Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty
(snobbish, high-minded, exclusive), but readily adjust
yourself to [people, things] and give yourselves to humble
tasks. Never overestimate yourself or be wise in your own
conceits. If possible, as far as it depends on you, live in
peace with everyone.
Romans 12:16,18

Jesus said we would have trouble in the world, but we could

still have peace. We simply need to trust, lean, and rely on
God’s plan for us. The more we understand His plan, the more
knowledge we gain of the order He designed for our lives, the
easier it is to enjoy the peace that passes understanding. Gary
Smalley wrote a book about The Language of Love,1 which I
encourage couples to read who want more peace and order in
their relationships. Dave and I have enjoyed the lessons that
are presented in his works.
Peace came to me when I understood and accepted that
Dave was always going to look at things differently from me
because God purposely designed him to be different. Men tend
to be more logical, drawing from their left brain cells where
rules are stored, and women tend to be more likely to offer
several creative options from their right brain cells than her
male counterpart. For this reason men and women generally
have different approaches to problem solving. As a result,
when they do come together, they can see that they make
better decisions together than when alone. This process
causes them to become one, as they enjoy each other’s
strengths.
Because of different approaches to problem solving, when a
man and a woman do come together, they make better
decisions than when alone.

TO LOVE IS TO SHOP
Gary Smalley tells the following story 2 of the time when after
five years of marriage, he learned from his wife that she “had
nearly given up hope of experiencing a loving, healthy and
lasting relationship with …” him! “Opposed to divorce, she
had resigned herself to a life that offered few of the wishes and
dreams for which she longed.”
He relates:
I had heard this kind of story before. For years, I had
regularly counseled with husbands and wives, spending
countless hours talking to them about improving their
relationships. Only now. … the woman sitting across from
me wasn’t a counselee — she was my own wife, Norma!
That day, I made a decision to understand what was
happening, or not happening, in my marriage. …
After that tearful session with my wife, I decided to
commit myself wholeheartedly to understanding and
relating to her. … I could do something adventurous with
Norma — like going shopping!
I’m not sure what emotional and physiological changes
ignite inside my wife upon hearing the words the mall, but
when I told her my idea, it was obvious something
dramatic was happening. Her eyes lit up like a Christmas
tree, and she trembled with excitement — the same
reaction I’d had when someone gave me two tickets to an
NFL playoff game.
… she needed to look for a new blouse. So after we
parked the car and walked into the nearest clothing store,
she held up a blouse and asked, “What do you think?”
“Great,” I said. “Let’s get it.” But in reality, I was
thinking, Great! If she hurries up and gets this blouse,
we’ll be back home in plenty of time to watch the college
game on TV.
Then she picked up another blouse and said, “What do
you think about this one?”
“It’s great, too!” I said. “Get either one. No, get both!”
But after looking at a number of blouses on the rack, we
walked out of the store empty-handed. Then we went into
another store, and she did the same thing. And then into
another store. And another. And another! … And that’s
when it happened.
Instead of picking up a blouse at the next store we
entered, she held up a dress that was our daughter’s size.
“What do you think about this for Kari?” she asked.
Taxed beyond any mortal’s limits, my willpower cracked
and I blurted out, “What do you mean, ‘What do I think
about a dress for Kari?’ We’re here shopping for blouses
 for you, not dresses for Kari!”
That night, I began to understand a common difference
between men and women. I wasn’t shopping for blouses
— I was hunting for blouses! I wanted to conquer the
blouse, bag it, and then get back home where important
things waited — like my Saturday afternoon football
game!
My wife, however, looked at shopping from the
opposite extreme. For her, it meant more than simply
buying a blouse. It was a way to spend time talking
together as we enjoyed several hours away from the
children — and Saturday afternoon football.
… I thought back to our mall experience and my
commitment to become a better communicator. As I
reflected on our afternoon, I realized I had overlooked
something important — the innate differences between
men and women.
A man’s logic can get in the way of his heart, if he gives into
his left-sided thinking. He thought they were there to conquer
a blouse, but her right-sided thinking saw so much more
potential in that time together.
This knowledge helped me to understand where Dave is
coming from when he does certain things.
I can say, “That’s the left side of your brain at work.”
If I get emotional about something, he will nod and say.
“Mmmm. That’s coming out of the right side of your brain.
You had better try to kick the other side in a bit.”
On a trip, the left side of the brain wants to conquer the
distance, the number of miles to be driven that day. The right
side of the brain pulls over to rest stops and historical markers
on purpose. The right brain doesn’t vaguely care about
football or hockey games unless they personally know the
players or their wives. It stores and expresses the feelings of
love, not just the definition, and would rather read People than
Popular Mechanics because it’s more relational.
Men tend to favor the left side of the brain where logic
operates. Women tend to use both sides of their brain at the
same time.
Men tend to favor the left side of the brain where logic
operates. Women are bilateral in their thinking, which means
they tend to use both sides of their brain at the same time. A
woman favors the right side of the brain that carries the
nurturing part of the relationship. But God intended our
differences to bring peace and order to our relationship.

LOGIC, ANYONE?
When Dave and I bought our new house, Dave’s logic went
into full swing. I had a washrag hanging over the edge of the
sink and he said, “Don’t put that there.”
“Why not?” I frowned, “That’s the sink.”
He said, “Because that rag is going to get moisture on the
wood and you are going to warp the wood.”
Then a few days after that, I was putting lotion on my feet
and just as I was about to stand up and walk on the floor, Dave
stopped me saying, “You shouldn’t put that stuff on your feet
and walk on the floor.”
I said, “Well, how am I going to get where I’m going if I
don’t walk on the floor?”
He said, “That lotion is greasy and you’re going to get stuff
all over the carpets.”
I argued, “I’ve been putting hand lotion on my feet all my
life. Our carpets aren’t greasy.” But Dave comes up with these
things all the time, and it helped me to realize that his logic is a
gift and not intended by God to be an irritant in my life.
God intended that the differences between men and women
bring peace and order to our relationship.
When I want to put a picture in a certain place on the wall he
resists me saying, “We can’t do that; there’s no stud there.”
I say, “I don’t care if there’s a stud there or not. I want the
picture in the middle of the wall.”
Unrelenting, he responds, “You can’t put that in the middle
of the wall, it will tear the wall up.”
I try reason, “Dave, I go into other people’s houses and
everybody has things on their walls, and their walls aren’t
caving in.”
“I don’t care; you need to put it on the stud. We’ll put it
over here.”
There are some things I can’t agree to do, so I explain, “I
don’t want it there. It’s not in the middle of the room.”
“Let’s move the couch,” he offers.
“I don’t want the couch on one side of the room. I want it in
the middle of the room, and I want the picture in the middle of
the couch.”
How many times have you had these same discussions with
your spouse?
I said, “You know, I want to get drapes for these windows.”
He answered with, “We need a shed.”
“Keep that stuff in the garage; just leave one of the cars in
the driveway for awhile.”
 He said, “I don’t want to do that.”
Equally unmoved, I let him know, “I want drapes.”
Life offers endless opportunities to become divided. Unless
we know how to operate together, we will have war from
daylight ’til dark. We are different; we feel different; and we
want different things, yet God commands us to get into
agreement and to be in unity. This is accomplished only
through understanding, through value, and through honor.
First Peter 3:7 sets the standard for husbands:
Getting into agreement is accomplished through
understanding, through value, and through honor.
In the same way you married men should live
considerately with [your wives], with an intelligent
recognition [of the marriage relation], honoring the
woman as [physically] the weaker, but [realizing that
you] are joint heirs of the grace (God’s unmerited favor)
of life, in order that your prayers may not be hindered
and cut off. [Otherwise you cannot pray effectively.]
We are to be considerate of each other’s differences. It’s not
going to do any good to tell a woman not to be emotional. It’s
not going to do any good to tell a man not to be logical. God
created us to be this way in order to enhance, not hurt each
other.
When I am hurting over something, I don’t want Dave to
preach to me about casting my cares. I just want him to
understand, but I have to help him understand what I need. He
doesn’t want to see me hurting, so he tries to talk me out of
feeling badly, but I just want him to love me, and hold me, and
even show that he hurts with me.
 Once when I was hurting over something that someone had
said, he tried to tell me to “cast my cares on the Lord.” I told
him that is not what I wanted to hear. Finally, Dave suggested
that we go play golf, and while we were driving to the course,
he said, “Don’t let the devil ruin your day by soaking up the
hurt you feel.” But then he lovingly said, “But I do understand.
Really, I do understand why it is hard to stop thinking about
what has hurt you.”
As soon as he showed that he understood why I was
hurting, I could feel the pain inside me just let go and leave.
Right away, I relaxed and my spirit opened back up to him.
Everything was fine because he gave me what I needed more
than anything. He had said, “I understand how you feel.”
That is a power-packed sentence, and if you don’t get
anything else out of this book, the words “I understand how
you feel” will help bear much fruit in your relationship with
your spouse. Sometimes we don’t want a lecture; we just want
a friend. And sometimes we just want somebody to hurt with
us. We don’t always need to preach a sermon; we often need
to be a sermon to someone who is in need.

UNDERSTANDING
ESTABLISHES A HOME
We are to learn how to show respect to one another. Even if
we don’t agree about something, I don’t have to talk to Dave
like there is something wrong with him just because he doesn’t
want what I want.
 First Peter 3:1,2 speaks to wives saying,
In like manner, you married women, be submissive to
your own husbands [subordinate yourselves as being
secondary to and dependent on them, and adapt
yourselves to them], so that even if any do not obey the
Word [of God], they may be won over not by discussion
but by the [godly] lives of their wives. When they observe
the pure and the modest way in which you conduct
yourselves, together with your reverence [for your
husband; you are to feel for him all that reverence
includes: to respect, defer to, revere him — to honor,
esteem, appreciate, prize, and, in the human sense, to
adore him, that is, to admire, praise, be devoted to,
deeply love, and enjoy your husband].
While men are supposed to be considerate of their wives,
women are to enjoy their husbands with true admiration. If you
study the meaning of all those words and compare them to the
way that most people live in their homes, it won’t take long to
understand why so many homes lack the fruit of peace and joy.
While men are supposed to be considerate of their wives,
women are to enjoy their husbands with true admiration.
Someone needs to initiate God’s plan in the home. But which
of you will be first? Just as a considerate husband would
inspire adoration from his wife, a devoted wife who
demonstrates deep love for her husband would evoke his
“intelligent recognition and honor” for her. God says that
marriage is a two-sided deal, and He has given instructions for
the men and the women. It takes both people for this thing to
work out properly.
 Ephesians 5:33 recaps both points once again:
However, let each man of you [without exception] love
his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let
the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband
[that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers
him, venerates and esteems him; and that she defers to
him, praises him, and loves and admires him
exceedingly].
Something wonderful has happened to Dave and me after
years of marriage. I can honestly say I would rather be with my
husband than anybody. I prefer him. He treats me so well that I
just love being with him. It would be awfully hard to want to
prefer somebody who was always talking down to me or
making fun of me or not caring anything about my needs.
Marriage is a two-way street, and Dave and I have both
worked at learning to understand each other, and the more we
have understood where the other is coming from, the more we
seem to love each other. Understanding bears good fruit in a
marriage by causing us to truly care about meeting each
other’s needs. I believe that people crave to be understood and
to understand others.
Understanding requires communication, listening, time, and
transparency.
Understanding requires communication, listening, time, and
transparency. People sometimes talk but can sense that no one
is listening. If you want to understand your spouse you need
to take time to listen. We have to train ourselves to really
listen. I’m a talker and not a good listener by nature. If I am not
careful, half the time when Dave is talking to me, I am already
planning my response to something he said a long time before.
And I am only listening for a pause to jump in with my point as
soon as he gets quiet. That is a weakness in me, and I have had
to train myself to listen to what he is saying.
It is a challenge to give somebody your full attention, but it
is so important to pay attention to what your spouse is saying.
Learn to look at each other when you talk, and acknowledge in
some way that you are hearing what is being said. You might
even practice repeating back what you believe is being said.
Transparency is difficult for many of us. A woman doesn’t
always say what she really means at all. She often wants
something else than what she is saying, but would rather drop
hints than come right out with her needs. For example, a wife
comes to her husband, obviously tired and frustrated, saying.
“I want to go on a vacation. I think we need a break, and I
feel like I need some time alone with you and a change of pace.
Our routine is too much for me and it’s driving me nuts. I just
need a rest and want to get out of here for a while.”
She honestly doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, but she
feels her frustration is begging to be pacified by going
somewhere, eating something, or buying something to break
her cycle of madness. So, she goes to her husband for help by
suggesting a vacation.
He responds from the left side of his brain,
“We can’t afford a vacation. We only have a few hundred
dollars in the bank, and we need a new lawnmower.”
A vacation isn’t logical to him when they need a lawnmower
so he reinforces his point.
“You know we can’t afford to go on that vacation. Why
would you even ask when you know we don’t have the
money?”
 His logic completely missed her emotional need.
Now she feels unloved, misunderstood, and rejected. He
feels that she doesn’t understand why taking a vacation would
pressure them financially, so now he is frustrated, too. Feeling
inadequate to provide for her, he now wants some reassurance
that she isn’t too disappointed in him. But she withdraws, and
he assumes she is mad at him.
Do you recognize the scene? Neither one of them has taken
enough time to understand the other person. If only we could
learn to look at our spouse and recognize when something is
hurting them or bothering them, and find out how to build back
up their esteem. We need to learn how to trust each other more
and to not always think that the other person is out to get us.
The biggest problems in relationships stem from having too
much of ourselves on our minds and not enough attention on
the other person. We seem to always have “us” on our minds.
Love lays aside personal self-interest to attend to the other
person.
A demonstration of sincere concern can be a strong building
block of love. Notice each other, encourage communication,
take time to dig for the truth, examine what might be really
wrong. Someone once calculated that it takes five times of
asking, “Why do you feel that way?” before you get to the real
problem at hand. Get your spouse to open up by showing real
interest. You might ask leading questions, such as,
A demonstration of sincere concern can be a strong building
block of love.
“Is something wrong?”
“Did you have a bad day at work?”
“Was the traffic real heavy?”
 “Honey, aren’t you feeling good?”
Or, “Is there something I can do for you; is there anything I
can do to help you feel better?”
I could almost guarantee that 90 percent of the time, a loving
response to a grouchy man coming through the door at night
could change the whole course of your evening into something
that could be beautiful. A soft answer turns away wrath …
(Proverbs 15:1 NKJV), but if he comes in complaining and she
volleys back with the same gruff response, they are distancing
themselves and missing out on God’s best for them.

I JUST NEED A FRIEND

Everyone wants companionship. We were born with the
need to fill ourselves with heart-to-heart relationships that only
communication can build. Take walks together; spend time just
sitting beside each other. God has put an ability in every one of
us to give out love.
Ask God to show you how to communicate with each other.
Remember that listening more and lecturing less makes happier
homes. Maybe your husband needs to sit there for just five
minutes and tell you how frustrated he is with a certain
situation at work. When he is opening up to you, that is not
the time to tell him to watch his confession. Just listen to see if
you can understand what may be causing stress in him. Ask
the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth in the situation, knowing that
truth always sets a person free.
God has put an ability in every one of us to give out love.
 When the wife says she needs a vacation, the husband
should at least sit down and listen to all the things that are
overwhelming her. He could say, “OK, honey, talk to me a little
bit. I can see something’s not right here. I want you to tell me
what’s wrong.” Even if he cannot take her on a vacation, he
can satisfy her need to for sympathy and reassure her that
everything will be OK again. Most likely that is all she wanted
anyway.
But ladies, we don’t live in a perfect world, and I realize that
fewer husbands than wives will read this book to find out what
they should be doing, so you will need to communicate your
needs to your husband. God has already told us that our
husbands need help. Genesis 2:18 says that God made a helper
for Adam. … I will make him a helper meet. … The King
James Version says, … an help meet.
That word “helper,” or “helpmeet,” means one who
corresponds to him and one who is his completer.3 In other
words, when God gave Adam a helpmeet, the man was not
complete without that woman.
So when you are overwhelmed, and you tell your husband
that you need a break, tell him what you really need. Make a list
and give it to him saying,
“Here is what I need from you. If you tell me that we can’t go
on a vacation, then I need for you to sit and listen to all the
things that are making me crazy right now.
“Then I need for you to hug me and be sorry that I feel so
bad. Tell me you understand exactly how I feel and that you
don’t blame me at all for being frustrated.
“Tell me that if you were in my situation, you would feel like
getting away, too, and that you probably wouldn’t even be
doing as good of a job at coping as I am.
 “Then hug me and let me cry on your shoulder for three to
five minutes before you tell me that you love me and that
everything will be all right.
“Can you do that for me, honey?”
If couples could start communicating their needs, a lot of
healing would take place. Dave and I have learned to validate
each other’s feelings when we are down, before we try to get
each other back up. Value and honor one another, and watch
the power of agreement grow between you.
Value and honor one another, and watch the power of
agreement grow between you.
Remember that love has its own logic that must be felt from
the heart. Be loving, gentle, softspoken and not harsh; be
edifying and exhortive. It would be amazing what would
happen in the marriage relationship if you both could learn to
say, “Honey, what can I do to be more of a benefit to you?
What can I do to help you more?”
Ephesians 4:29-32 explains how we can honor and value
others. Post these verses somewhere in your house where
everyone will be reminded of these practical points of love.
Let no foul or polluting language, nor evil word nor
unwholesome or worthless talk [ever] come out of your
mouth, but only such [speech] as is good and beneficial
to the spiritual progress of others, as is fitting to the need
and occasion, that it may be a blessing and give grace
(God’s favor) to those who hear it.
And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God [do not offend
or vex or sadden Him], by Whom you were sealed
(marked, branded as God’s own, secured) for the day of
 redemption (of final deliverance through Christ from evil
and the consequences of sin).
Let all bitterness and indignation and wrath (passion,
rage, bad temper) and resentment (anger, animosity) and
quarreling (brawling, clamor, contention) and slander
(evil-speaking, abusive or blasphemous language) be
banished from you, with all malice (spite, ill will, or
baseness of any kind).
And become useful and helpful and kind to one another,
tender-hearted (compassionate, understanding, loving-
hearted), forgiving one another [readily and freely], as
God in Christ forgave you.
Because of the background I came out of, I had a hard,
rough exterior, and it was difficult for me to learn how to be
kind and gentle. The ability was in me, but I was afraid I would
be taken advantage of if I softened my ways. My voice tone
was so gruff, I could say the right words to Dave, but it was
clear that my heart wasn’t in tune with my logic. My tone let
him know that I was going to do what I was supposed to do,
but my heart was not in submitting to his direction.
Colossians 3:8 says,
But now put away and rid yourselves [completely] of all
these things: anger, rage, bad feelings toward others,
curses and slander, and foulmouthed abuse and shameful
utterances from your lips!
The morning I put the hand lotion on my feet and he told me
not to walk on the floor, I didn’t say anything to Dave, but he
saw my facial expression and heard me sigh. My facial
expression said to him, “For crying out loud, what is your
problem?” It all counts — words, voice tones, and facial
expressions are so important in a relationship because if we
don’t have the right attitude, we are not showing honor and
value to the one we have been called to love.
Words, voice tones, and facial expressions are so important in
a relationship.
Proverbs 18:21 says,
Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and they
who indulge in it shall eat the fruit of it [for death or
life].
And Proverbs 15:4,
A gentle tongue [with its healing power] is a tree of life,
but willful contrariness in it breaks down the spirit.
Everything that you speak to your mate either ministers life
or death to them. Every single act of communication through
words, voice tone, facial expressions, and body language either
ministers to them life or it ministers to them death. That is quite
a responsibility. Choose life.
 18
HOW TO GAIN AND MAINTAIN
Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be
holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it
that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root
grows up to cause trouble and defile many.
Hebrews 12:14-15 NIV

As Christians, we need to raise the standard of excellence in

our marriages. The prophet Daniel had an excellent spirit. He
determined in his heart not to defile himself by doing things
that he knew would be pleasing to God. We all need to draw a
line in the sand, and stop moving our line.
There came a point in my relationship with Dave that I
wanted to be excellent. I wanted to give him the excellence that
I knew would bring life and peace and joy to our relationship. I
wanted to move beyond mediocrity, and so I asked God to
bring integrity to our marriage. I wanted our relationship to be
in line with God’s biblical standards for husbands and wives. I
discovered that it doesn’t matter where you are in your
marriage, God loves you and has a good plan for your life.
Even if your circumstances seem negative, keep your eyes on
God and trust Him to bring you out and up.
Isaiah 61:7 holds a wonderful promise for those who put
their hope in God. It reads,
 Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold
recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your
people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their
land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited];
everlasting joy shall be theirs.
Don’t grow impatient. The journey to excellence is a life-long
process. But God is no respecter of persons, and anyone who
trusts in Him will get the same benefits. God will do something
awesome in your life. He will bless you, prosper you, and love
you into wholeness. Psalm 103:4 (NIV) says He … redeems your
life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion.
The instruction that God has given us in His Word can be
trusted to bring fruit to our marriages and relationships. His
love is a healing balm, and when we demonstrate God’s love to
each other, that healing power is released to work between us.
Too often, we try to get too much from people. We try to get
our security and reassurance from our spouse instead of from
God and then wonder why they aren’t able to fix us. We need
to stay full of love from God and then let His love pour out
from us to our spouse. This is the fuel for a great marriage.
We try to get our security and reassurance from our spouse
instead of from God and then wonder why they aren’t able to
fix us.
By the time this book is released for its first printing, Dave
and I will have been married over thirty-three years. I think we
love each other more now than we ever have. But we realize
that we can’t meet all the needs that the other one has. I have
to go to God to keep me whole. God will never reject us. He
gives us beauty for ashes and promises double blessings for
former hurts and pains.
I hope our stories demonstrate that God has the power to
take you from a place of no hope to a place of triumph in your
relationship with each other. I was so negative when Dave and
I first married, and he was so positive and full of hope in God
for our future. By watching Dave and the testimony of his faith
in God, I learned to get over myself and put my hope in God,
too. There has been such an astounding change in my life that
now I am compelled to try everything I know to do to help
others find the happiness that comes from putting their hope in
the only One Who can fill the longing in their hearts. Only God
can show us how to give and receive love.
Don’t sit around and feel sorry for yourself all your life
because of what happened to you in the past. Stop taking
inventory of everything you have lost and start counting up
what you have left. Give what you have to God, even if it is
nothing. He can even do something with nothing. It isn’t that
complicated to follow the Lord.
I probably tell God two hundred times a day, “I love You. I
love You, Lord. You’re so awesome, God. Thank You. Thank
You, God, for what You’ve done in my life.”
When your hope is in God and you realize that He wants
good things to happen to you, you aren’t so dependent on
what kind of mood your spouse is in. If they are down, you are
up because you have just been singing a love song to the
Lord, and consequently, you are able to sing one to your
spouse. Keep your heart full of hope. If you don’t you will
definitely be disappointed.
The Bible says that Abraham once felt all human reason for
hope was gone, but hoped on in faith that he would become
the father of many nations. No doubt or unbelief made him
waver concerning the promise of God. A woman once asked for
prayer because her husband of thirty-five years had just left
her. I couldn’t promise that if she believed God her husband
would come back to her because we cannot manipulate and
control other people’s wills with our prayers. But, I can promise
that if she hangs on to her hope in Jesus, He will either heal
that marriage or He will give her somebody who will love her
even better.
Like Abraham, she can have faith in the hope that God will
bless her and take care of her and even be a Husband to her.
Sometimes, we have to give God a little space in which to work.
We can’t give Him a blueprint and then get mad at Him if He
doesn’t do it the way we asked, but we can trust Him to give us
peace and joy. With that confidence we should be full of
expectancy and excited for our future.
Every day, we should say, “God, I’m excited to see what
You’re going to do today. I believe that something good is
going to happen to me today. Everywhere I go today, the favor
of God is on me.”

ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS IN THE

WRONG PLACE?
The Bible teaches us in many places to put our expectation
and hope in God. He is our Source, the Source of everything
we need. He often works through people to meet our needs,
but we block Him from doing that when we put our
expectations in people instead of God.
God often works through people to meet our needs, but we
block Him from doing that when we put our expectations in
people instead of God.
Sometimes we are expecting people to do things that they
don’t even know we are expecting them to do. We end up
disappointed, but it is because of our expectation, not their
failure to meet it.
There have been times when I have let my mind go wild and
over a period of a few days become convinced that Dave
should be asking me to go out — go out to eat or to go
shopping or to a movie. I am expecting him to ask me to go
somewhere, and I have myself convinced that he should do
that.
When he doesn’t do it, I have become angry and told him he
should take me somewhere. He has responded with, “You did
not tell me you wanted to go anywhere. You know I’ll take you
anywhere you want to go.” I was expecting him to ask me, and
he was expecting me to tell him.
I believe many marriages fail because of wrong expectations.
Many disappointments come from these expectations that are
actually misplaced. We cannot really expect someone to read
our minds. We must communicate and do so clearly. We
cannot expect our spouse to do what someone else’s spouse
does. That is putting a pressure on them that is unfair. A good
friend of mine named Don Clowers has written a book on right
and wrong thinking. (It is scheduled to be released by Harrison
House.) I highly recommend it for improving relationships.

DO-IT-YOURSELF
ADVANCEMENT
 It’s amazing how many times Jesus’ answer to somebody’s
problem was, “Get up.” Jesus went to the man who had been
crippled for thirty-eight years and was lying by the pool of
Bethesda, waiting for the angel to stir up the waters so he
could get a miracle. (John 5:1-9.) Jesus asked him, “Are you
really serious about getting well? Do you really want to be
healed?”
The man answered, “I have nobody to put me in the pool
when the angel comes. Somebody else always gets ahead of
me.”
Jesus looked at him and said, “Get up! Pick up your bed and
walk!” One version says, “Make up your bed,” which gives me
the picture of cleaning up your mess while you’re at it to get
going in some direction that will produce something positive in
your life. If he was lying there for thirty-eight years, he
certainly didn’t have much spunk. I think in thirty-eight years I
could have wiggled and squiggled over to the edge of that
pool and been on the edge so far that when the angel came I
would have fallen in and said, “You either heal me or I’m
drowning, but I’m not living like this any more.”
If you’re waiting for someone to throw you into the pool,
then here I am. If you have stayed with me this far to come to
this point in the book and still wonder if God can heal your
marriage, then let me be the one to tell you, “Get up! Get over
the past, and get on with loving the person you married!”
Stop letting what other people think determine your sense of
worth and value. Whatever is holding you back, make a
decision to raise the standard. Say, “I’m tired of feeling
condemned. I’m tired of feeling bad about myself. I’m tired of
the pain of rejection. Jesus loves me, and if nobody else in the
whole world ever likes me or likes my personality, I’m doing the
best I can, so I’m going to serve God and love others from this
moment forth.”
To love God and to love others are the only two things God
has ever asked us to do in exchange for all the blessings He
wants to give us. All the law of the Old Covenant is fulfilled in
those two commandments. Watch what happens when you get
out of bed in the morning and start loving others regardless if
they seem to love you back. Watch what happens when you
decide to get over hurt feelings, bitterness, and resentment.
While you are at it, get over anything else you lost to the
enemy because God can give back a double portion of
whatever has been taken from you.
To love God and to love others are the only two things God
has ever asked us to do in exchange for all the blessings He
wants to give us.
It could seem harsh and unfeeling, but the truth is,
sometimes the only thing we can do about the past is get over
it! I had to finally make that choice, and if you have been
allowing your past to threaten your future, you should try the
same thing. Get up; pick up your bed and walk.
We are to work with God in two ways: first, to gain victory
over problems and bondages and secondly, to maintain the
freedom and victory we have gained. It requires a continual
willingness to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit. Galatians
5:1 (KJV) tells us, Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith
Christ hath made us free. … Yes, we must all stand fast and
maintain the ground we have gained.
There were many times when Dave had to stand fast during
the years he was patiently waiting for God to change me.
Fix yourself up like you would if you were not married and he
was coming after work to pick you up for a date. Maybe not
quite that fancy, but I am sure you get my point. If you
normally wear makeup, put some on for him. Don’t always wear
things you clean in; put on some nicer clothes for the evening.
Even if you have gained some weight over the years, you can
still look nice. Remember, do the best you can with what you
have.
God is on your side. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted,
to open prison doors and set the captives free. He gives us
beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of
praise for the spirit of heaviness, that we might be called trees
of righteousness, the planting of the Lord. Why? Not because
we deserve it, but just because He loves us, and others will see
the glory of His kindness through our testimony.
Hold on to all the good that God has given you and make
plans to advance to the best that God still has for you.
Whenever you see the enemy threaten your peace, take
authority over depression, discouragement, despair, fear, and
hopelessness in the Name of Jesus. Command those evil spirits
to loose you, to loose your thinking, to loose your emotions in
Jesus’ Name. Be healed and rejoice for all that God is bringing
to you and your household.
Speak life to your circumstances. Speak life to your future.
Speak life to your mate and to your family and to your friends.
Don’t wait for anyone else to throw you into the pool of life.
Just jump in yourself. All you need is the truth of God’s Word
to keep you free.
Matthew 12:34-37 shows how we can speak with faith to
bring God’s best into our lives.
… For out of the fullness (the overflow, the
 superabundance) of the heart the mouth speaks.
The good man from his inner good treasures flings forth
good things, and the evil man out of his inner evil
storehouse flings forth evil things.
But I tell you, on the day of judgment men will have to
give account for every idle (inoperative, nonworking)
word they speak.
For by your words you will be justified and acquitted,
and by your words you will be condemned and
sentenced.
We are to bridle our tongue and discipline our words to be
under the lordship of Jesus Christ. Our words can be full of
deadly poison. The Bible says the tongue is a tiny member but
it starts great big blazing forest fires. We can ruin a relationship
with the words of our tongue. We can drive our children off
with our tongue. We can say so many wrong things about
ourselves that we can talk ourselves into a poor self-image. We
can gossip and backbite, but just as anger stirs strife, a gentle
tongue brings healing power.
Don’t expect to maintain healthy relationships if you use
your tongue to murmur, grumble, and complain. When you are
positive about life, you start building up power that will bring
health and increase to your situation, but when you speak
negative, lifeless words, you start draining your resources and
steer yourself right back to zero power.
To gain ground in your relationship, understand that if you
have been speaking negative words for years, it will take more
than one or two positive comments to turn things around. But,
you may be surprised at the welcome response even a few
good words will bring to a dry and lifeless relationship. Being
nice for one or two days will not undo twenty years of nagging
and hurt feelings, but speaking words of life is the only way to
turn your ship in the right direction.
Second Timothy 2:16 says, But avoid all empty (vain,
useless, idle) talk, for it will lead people into more and more
ungodliness. We can’t avoid useless, vain thoughts that fill
our heads. The enemy’s only power against us is to throw fiery
darts at us to inflame our thinking against the Word of God. It
is our responsibility to discern these idle, empty ideas that can
steal away our inheritance and keep them from settling in our
hearts. For we don’t control the thoughts that enter our head,
but we can keep ungodly thoughts from taking root in our
heart, for it is out of our heart that we speak what we believe.
It doesn’t take very long to find out how we feel about
somebody just by listening to what we say about them and to
them. Our words should demonstrate love, and if they don’t,
we should ask God to create a right heart in us so that we can
build up our spouse and loved ones with our words. Jesus
never cut anybody down with His mouth. He told some people
the truth, but He never belittled them or made fun of them.

A GODLY INFLUENCE
Proverbs 14:1 says, Every wise woman builds her house, but
the foolish one tears it down with her own hands. Even
though men are to be the high priest and head of a household,
women should never underestimate the influence they have in
keeping a home and family walking in the will of God.
Titus 2:5 tells women to be keepers at home (KJV), and thank
goodness the word “keeper” doesn’t just mean the one who
cleans it. The Greek origin of “keeper,” as defined in Strong’s
Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, means “a guard; be
‘ware.’”1 The woman is to be conscious of the home and
protect it.
I used to quickly put our relationship back to zero power
when I got upset over something. I could go two or three
weeks without saying one word to Dave. That sounds like a
long time and it was a long time. But God gave Dave real grace
during that period of time to cope with my foolish hands that
kept working to tear down our home. Dave knew that he could
call on God’s grace to stay in a good spirit and continue to
enjoy himself in spite of my actions. God’s grace to rebuild our
lives and homes is still bigger than our power to tear it all
down, so Dave’s faith kept our marriage in the covering of
God’s blessing until I learned to draw from God’s wisdom, too.
During those foolish times of not talking to him, I was trying
to drag Dave down to where I was. It would aggravate me to
see that he could stay joyful in the Lord, but what I saw in
Dave began to minister to me. I eventually wanted that peace
that I saw in him. I wanted to be happy like he was in spite of
my circumstances. I wanted to enjoy my life, too.
God brought me out of the rebellion and the upset and the
self-pity that was inside of me and began to teach me how to
maintain the triumph we enjoyed and how to gain the blessings
that were still in store for us by trusting God and doing what
He says to do.

IS MARRIAGE A 50/50 PROPOSITION?

It has occurred to me that it could sound like I am placing
most of the responsibility on the woman to be the aggressor in
making things right. It is no more the woman’s responsibility
than the man’s; however, the larger percentage of people who
read this book will probably be women. Someone has to get the
ball rolling, and it has to be whoever has the information and
knowledge needed to make positive changes. Don’t allow the
devil to keep you from going forward by making you feel it is
unfair for you to have to do all the work. Just be willing to
begin and don’t even be concerned about who is doing what.
One of the problems in marriages has come from the
mentality that marriage should be a 50/50 proposition. One
partner thinks, “Well, I’ll meet you half way, but that is all.” If
there is no response that they feel is fair, they refuse to do
what is right, which then makes them as wrong as the other
one. It gets to be like, “What came first — the chicken or the
egg?” In many marriages it is practically impossible to tell what
the real problem ever was to start with. I have learned that if
one person does wrong and I come to their level to retaliate,
then I am behaving no better than they are, and I am just as
responsible for failed relationship.
If you are mature enough to make the decision to be the
aggressor in solving whatever problems you may have in your
marriage, don’t get discouraged if your partner does not
change immediately. With every opportunity for progress, we
also get opposition from Satan. He despises good relationships
and fears the power that comes from them. Get ready for a fight.
As Paul says in 1 Timothy 6:12 (KJV), Fight the good fight of
faith. …
I always say that it takes us years to make our messes, and
we cannot get upset if one or two good choices does not get
us out of them. Consistent good choices over an extended
period of time will begin to turn the situation around. If an
ocean liner is told to turn around and go in the opposite
direction, it cannot turn immediately; it takes time. I don’t share
these things to be discouraging, but rather to be realistic. I
would rather share reality with you and have you around to
cross the finish line than to get you emotionally excited about
possibilities that only happen rarely. A bad marriage can turn
around overnight, but it usually does not happen that way.
Consistent good choices over an extended period of time will
begin to turn a situation around.
By the time Dave told me that I just about had him to the
point where he could not stand me, he was dealing with a lot of
emotional wounds and bruises that took time to heal. I recall
once asking him how he felt about me after a year had gone by
of me being on what I thought was my best behavior. He said
he felt better, but we still had a long way to go. I remember
being discouraged and almost becoming angry with him, but
thank God I kept pressing on and “little by little, day by day,
from glory to glory,” we got there.
Your situation will change also, but make your mind up that
you will go whatever percentage of the way you need to in
order to have a marriage that will bring glory to God. Don’t
allow the worldly 50/50 proposition mentality to get you to give
up if you don’t get the response from your partner you desired.
Love begins with acceptance, just as God accepted us the
way we were. Dave accepted me and loved me even though I
wouldn’t talk to him. Love changes us. We can remodel our
house, but we cannot remodel each other.
First Peter 3:3,4 explains that men are more influenced by the
unfading beauty of a woman’s gentle and quiet spirit than by
her outward adornment of braided hair, or the wearing of gold
jewelry and fine clothes. In other words, if we want some
remodeling done in our relationships, we should focus on our
own behavior. The Word says that a gentle and quiet spirit is
of great worth in God’s sight. (See verse 4 NIV.) Verses 5 and 6
(NIV) say, For this is the way the holy women of the past who
put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They
were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who
obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her
daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.
Men want domestic peace; they want to come home and
have a peaceful, gentle, quiet atmosphere. They have been out
in the world all day, and they want to come home and have
things in order. If you want to see God’s best increase in your
life and home, then have that gentle, peaceful spirit which is
not anxious or wrought up but is very precious in the sight of
God.

THE ATTRACTION OF
VISIBLE BEAUTY
I believe that women should display gentleness which has
probably, more than any other virtue, been the hardest one for
me to display. I have had to really pray about this to let God
work with me and bring me to the point of being meek. I still
have a ways to go, but I have already seen great changes in me
and continue to trust God to teach me in this area.
Gentleness is of greater value than all the jewels we can
hang on ourselves. It is good to visibly look our best, but so
many women paint their outside and leave their inside in a
mess. God is concerned with our inner life.
Attraction is not based on natural beauty, although it is
obvious that some people are naturally “more beautiful” than
other people based on fashion standards of the world. Natural
beauty is admired, but inner beauty “attracts” a lasting
attention from others. This attractiveness of a married woman
reflects the glory of her husband, and he in turn reflects the
glory of God Who in the end receives the honor for the
goodness in our lives.
Natural beauty is admired, but inner beauty “attracts” a
lasting attention from others.
Stay with me while I rebuild this statement from the other
direction. First Corinthians 11:7 explains that men are … the
image and [reflected] glory of God [his function of
government reflects the majesty of divine Rule]; but woman is
[the expression of] man’s glory (majesty, preeminence).
When I say that a husband needs for his wife to look her
best in order for him to feel good about himself, I am not talking
only about natural beauty, but this inner attraction that we can
carry with us. A happily married woman who has a charming,
fearless approach to life makes her husband look good in the
eyes of those who know them. When people see that she is at
peace, beautifully adapted to her husband and family, they will
think, Her husband must be really good to her for her to be so
happy.
When they look at her husband to see why his home is full
of peace and why his wife walks with confidence and grace,
they will think, His God must be good to him for his home and
family to be so blessed. Both our outward appearance (what
others see) and our inner condition (what God sees) should
bring honor to God through the testimony of peace that He has
given to us.
Because our outer attractiveness is our first testimony to
others, I believe that every woman should maintain her
physical appearance as best as she can. Outer beauty is based
on what we do with what we have. I believe that every person
can be attractive. I always look approximately the same way. I
don’t run around the house in high heels and dresses, but I
don’t go around looking dumpy. I understand that when I look
good, my husband and my Lord look good, for everyone can
see the blessing that God’s order has put in my life.
If a woman is wanting to gain a deeper relationship with her
husband and gain God’s best for their marriage, I think one of
the biggest mistakes she can make is to ignore her physical
attractiveness. I am a great advocate of makeup and perfume.
When a woman has been cleaning house all day, and her hair is
stringing down in her face, leaving her with a haggard
appearance, it’s no wonder her husband’s eyes are more
attracted to television. Take time before he comes home to fix
yourself up and demonstrate to him that your relationship with
him is a priority in your life.
I can already hear the arguments against this idea. Women
say, “Well, I don’t have time to do all that, and I have all these
kids to take care of.” But they can do it if they want to and if
they don’t, they will be the same as women who later complain
that their husbands never demonstrate any personal effort to
win their love and affection. They will long for the attention
that they refused to give their husbands. Attractiveness needs
to be a priority in your life in order to make him feel attractive,
too.
Likewise, of course, men should take care of themselves.
Dave takes good care of himself for me. I appreciate that he
wants to look good when he is with me. We affect each other;
when I look good, he feels good about himself because I
belong to him. I feel good about myself when he looks good,
too. Once again, I am talking about “attractiveness” not natural
beauty.
Can you imagine the romance that would begin if all the
women who read this book started dressing up for the
homecoming of their husbands each night? Startled husbands
around the world would ask, “What are you all dressed up
for?” Loving wives would say, “You, I’m just dressed up for
you. I love you and I want to look my best for you.” Oh, I tell
you the devil doesn’t like this idea.
There are some awesome things we can learn from the
virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. She was spiritually smart and
naturally skillful. She made herself coverlets, cushions, and
rugs of tapestry. Her clothing was of pure, fine linen and of
colorful purple, such as was used to make clothing for the
priests and hallowed cloths for the temple. Nothing is said of
“natural beauty,” but her character and industrious spirit
caused many people to be attracted to her life.
In other words, this lady was a sharp dresser and she had
some nice stuff. There’s nothing wrong with having nice
things. This fine woman takes good care of herself and her
family. She is well-known for her spiritual strength and the way
she handles herself. Her husband is famous and well-known
because of his fine wife. People would say, “Oh, he is married
to that fine woman dressed in purple who buys her family’s
food at the import store.”
 Ladies, we need to do all we can to enhance our husband’s
reputation. Just as we need our husbands to be a good father
to his children, he needs our admiration and reassurance that
we are looking after the needs of the family, too. Believe it or
not, in most cases he is concerned about the success of you
and his children. He instinctively knows that your welfare is a
reflection of his manhood and ability to provide for you.

LOVE LIFTS US TO WHERE GOD WANTS

US
Your admiration of him builds his confidence to be that
provider. Submission is a picture of getting underneath in order
to lift up the other person. Ephesians 5:33 gives a detailed list
of how we truly submit in ways that will lift him up to fame and
the position that God wants him to hold. I realize that I have
already pointed you to this verse earlier in this book, but I
hope to bring it to the attention of wives from every possible
angle until the power of it is clearly understood. I remember
one time when the Holy Ghost inspired me to get a dictionary
and look up every single one of the following words to
understand what they all meant.
However, let each man of you [without exception] love
his wife as [being in a sense] his very own self; and let
the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband
[that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers
him, venerates, and esteems him; and that she defers to
him, praises him and loves and admires him
exceedingly].
 In practice this means that when you are both out with other
people that you haven’t seen for a while, don’t spend the
whole night talking to everyone else without paying any
attention to your spouse, even if you simply go over and
squeeze his hand every once in a while. It means that when he
comes home and sits in front of the television, you should go
and sit with him, if even for a few minutes, and embrace him to
let him know that you notice him and prefer him over the duties
of family life.
The number one roadblock to a triumphant marriage that is
gaining ground as years progress is a lack of real commitment.
Be committed to your partner. Discover each other’s needs,
and find out how to meet those needs.
I believe that there are things in people’s hearts that need to
be expressed and if we want to gain ground, we must learn to
listen without taking personal offense. I still ask Dave to tell me
if there is anything that I am doing that he doesn’t want me to
do. I still have to practice accepting his honesty without
offense.
One time he told me, “I really don’t like it when I apologize to
you and then you give me a speech about what I should have
done and how it made you feel. When I initiate an apology to
you, all I want you to say is, ‘Thank you; I appreciate it; you’re
forgiven.’”
When he shared that with me, I felt the pain of that in my
soul because not one of us wants to be told that we’re doing
anything wrong. But bottom line, I was hurting him. When he
had already realized he should be sorry, he apologized. And
instead of forgiving him, I lectured him all over on how horrible
he was to hurt me in the first place. We have to get beyond
those fleshly feelings. We need a heart commitment to the task
of pleasing our mate.
You care about your marriage or you wouldn’t have read this
far. I pray and agree that you will let God direct change in the
way you treat each other. Even good marriages can be
enhanced with respect and honor towards each other’s
feelings. Commitment means you will say what you are going
to do, then you will do what you said. A promise was made to
your spouse when you said the marriage vows. It is easy to
repeat those words without paying any attention to what was
said. At our wedding, I promised to love, honor, and obey
Dave, and I didn’t even understand the meaning of those
words.
Commitment means you will say what you are going to do,
then you will do what you said. A promise was made to your
spouse in your marriage vows.
What did you promise at your wedding? I believe that you
said something like, “I promise to love you forever, when
things are good and when things are bad.” I don’t believe
anyone has ever said on that day, “I will love you until things
don’t seem to be working out, then I’m heading out of here.”
No, I believe that you probably said, “Till death do us part.”
Marriage is total commitment.
 19
THE PRICE OF PEACE
But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure;
then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy
and good fruit, impartial and sincere. Peacemakers who
sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
James 3:17,18 NIV

I used to be very unstable emotionally. I would wake up one

morning and be all excited because of something I was going to
do that day. The next morning I would wake up in the depths of
depression because I had nothing to look forward to. My
emotions would go up and down from day to day, hour to
hour, or even minute to minute depending on my changing
mood.
My husband might come home one day, and I would run to
him, throw my arms around him, and kiss and hug him. The next
day he might walk in, and I would be ready to throw something
at him. Most of the time my reaction had nothing to do with
anything he had done or failed to do. It was all determined by
my own emotional state.
Even if you have never been as abused or as mentally and
emotionally unstable as I was, all of us have need of continual
restoration in order to maintain proper balance and stability in
our lives. Whatever your past experiences or present
circumstances are, submit your mind, will, and emotions to the
Lord. I have written about it to a great extent in my book titled,
Managing Your Emotions. But I want to remind you that peace
is the fruit of a righteous relationship with God. When we have
peace with God, we will have peace with each other.
The price we must pay to have peace is so small, and yet its
benefits are eternally immense. We simply receive peace from
Jesus, through the power of the Holy Spirit, and agree to
forgive people for their offenses against us. John 20:21-23 (NIV)
confirms,
The price we must pay to have peace is so small, and yet its
benefits are eternally immense.

Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has

sent me, I am sending you.”
And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive
the Holy Spirit.
“If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you
do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.”
Jesus gives us the power to have peace by breathing His
own Life, the Holy Spirit, into us. But if we don’t forgive
others, the grief of the sin against us will remain with us
forever. Our price is small, but the price Jesus paid for us to
have the gift of the Holy Spirit is incomprehensible.

JESUS LAID DOWN HIS LIFE FOR US

When Judas betrayed Jesus, He had insight to know what
Judas was doing but He just stood there and let him continue
with his greeting, his embrace, and his kiss. Then in Matthew
26:50, Jesus said to him, Friend. … (You ought to circle the
word friend in your Bible.) Knowing that Judas was betraying
Him, He still called him, Friend, for what are you here? Then
they came up and laid hands on Jesus and arrested Him.
Peter, ready to defend Jesus drew his sword, struck the
servant of the high priest, and cut off his ear. Whack! Old lion-
like Peter was full of fleshly zeal. He whipped out that sword
and chopped off his ear. You know what Peter was thinking?
Bless God, we don’t have to put up with this! Whack! You’re
messing with God’s anointed!
But Jesus said, “No more of this!” And he touched the
man’s ear and healed him (Luke 22:51 NIV). Then Jesus told
Peter to put his sword back into its place for all who draw the
sword will die by the sword. (Matthew 26:52.) I have more
understanding on this today than I’ve ever had before. Peter’s
use of the sword represented an abrasive way of life. More
than just being a sword that he pulled out of his sheath, it
represented a manner of behavior.
Peter was always talking when he didn’t need to be talking,
doing things when he didn’t need to be doing them. Peter
needed to learn how to wait on God, and he needed to learn
humility and meekness. God wanted to use Peter in a mighty
way, but if Peter wanted to preach the Good News of the
Gospel, he couldn’t do it by taking his sword out and chopping
off ears when he felt angry.
Our abrasive words can cut off hearing, just as Peter’s sword
cut off the servant’s ear. We just can’t come against people
whenever we feel like justice is needed. We must be
submissive to God, and if He says, “Say nothing,” we are to
stand there and just let them think they are right even though
we know they’re not. We have to say, “Yes, Lord,” and accept
that He doesn’t even owe us an explanation.
Jesus asks us to trust Him because He loves us. There was
no greater way for Him to prove His love than the fact He laid
down His life to pay the price for the sin that separated us from
the blessings of God. Jesus was willing to be our scapegoat;
He was the One Who bore the blame for all of us. None of us
would have our names written in the Lamb’s Book of Life if
Jesus hadn’t been submissive or if He had opened His mouth
when He shouldn’t have.
How many times do we prevent somebody’s salvation
because we can’t control what we say? How many times do we
prevent somebody’s spiritual growth or how many times do we
prevent the blessings of God from coming on our own life
because we don’t have that control of the words that come out
of our mouth?
When Jesus took our sins, He carried them off into a land of
forgetfulness so we could enjoy the freedom of a relationship
with God and release the fruit of His Spirit that dwells in us.
People who don’t know God misunderstand meekness as
weakness. But when God said the meek will inherit the earth, he
was talking about the patient, long-suffering believers. It takes
great strength to patiently endure injury without resentment.
Meekness is not weakness — it is strength under control.
I so badly wanted to learn the meaning of meekness that I
read its definition in my Vine’s Dictionary so often that the
page finally fell out of the book. For a long time I carried the
folded-up page in my wallet, and I reread it whenever I thought
to do so. One definition says that meekness is not weakness —
it is strength under control. First of all it says that meekness “is
an inwrought grace of the soul.”1 Now “inwrought” means it
has to be worked in us.2 In other words, it doesn’t just
suddenly happen; it has to be worked in you. “It is that temper
of spirit in which we accept His dealings with us as good.”3
God revealed to me that I do not have the authority to
retaliate to anyone unless He authorizes me to do so. Instead,
we are to trust God to take care of the situation. God will
retaliate for us. He promises, “I will pay them back. I will
balance out the scales of justice.” So often we miss miracles in
our lives that we could get because we get involved with
solving an issue when we should wait and trust God.
Jesus was meek. In the Garden of Gethsemane, He had the
strength and the power to call twelve legions of angels, but He
didn’t confront anyone because the Father didn’t give Him
permission to do so. Sometimes, God asks us to simply be a
scapegoat for someone else, instead of confronting them with
justice.

WHO’S BEEN TAKING YOUR BLAME

LATELY?
A few years ago, Dave was behaving in a way that I knew
was wrong, and I could not get him to admit that he was wrong.
To make it worse, he was blaming his actions on me. Now isn’t
it hard when somebody else is doing something wrong who
won’t admit it, and they even lay the guilt of it on you? I was
upset about it for several days, during which time I entertained
some heavy groaning about the situation.
“God,” I complained, “This is not right; it’s just not fair.”
That’s when God led me to the teaching in Leviticus 16 about
the scapegoat. He showed me how Aaron put his hands on the
goat and confessed all the sins and iniquities of Israel before
sacrificing it on God’s altar. The innocent “scapegoat” was a
picture of what Jesus did for us as the Lamb of God.
I was complaining about Dave during the season of time that
I was also studying this illustration, when God spoke to me in
answer to my complaints. He said, “Joyce, for years Dave was
your scapegoat.” When Dave and I first married, my problems
were impenetrable, but Dave was called and anointed by God
to marry me. God knew the call on my life was going to take
someone who was strong in the Lord and who was able to
stand with me and be my scapegoat to show me the agape love
of God. I did not know what love was — I had only seen
selfish, self-seeking greed — until Dave loved me with the
unconditional, accepting love of God.
I had always talked myself through conflicts, trying to
manipulate others the way others had tried to control me. I
would get mad and stay mad for long periods of time. I had a
bad temper and I would sink into deep self-pity. Dave would
try to have fun and I would get mad, but he never came against
me. He was a lover of peace, and he just put up with my moods
and never confronted me. Many times I blamed him, and he
trusted God to reveal truth to me.
Sometimes I didn’t respect him for it and thought, Why
don’t you just tell me to shut up? But God was using him to
demonstrate His own patience and agape love. Then after
several years of letting me rant and rave, as I mentioned
previously, all of a sudden, Dave started confronting me. I
violently disliked his new challenge. I had gotten by with my
way for a long, long time, and now God had put somebody in
my path to confront me. Even though the spiritual part of me
wanted it, my flesh was having a fit.
All of a sudden, Dave started taking over various
responsibilities that I had willingly controlled. I ran my present
ministry all by myself for a long, long time before Dave quit his
job and came on board. He took over the finances, and I didn’t
know how much money we had half the time, and I never saw
my paychecks because he took them straight to the bank. He
made decisions about where I would speak and where I
wouldn’t speak and what engagements I would take and which
ones I wouldn’t take and so on and so forth.
I felt I had been emptied of all control, and he started to
confront me by saying, “I’m not putting up with that anymore.”
I would think, Why not? You have as long as we’ve been
married! I did get to choose where I wanted to go to eat, but all
of a sudden, he started saying, “No, I don’t want to go there. I
want to go here.” I would just get in another fit over not
getting to go where I wanted to eat.
I was a terrible mess, far from understanding what meekness
or humility was, but greatly needing those qualities in my life in
order to follow through with the next level of ministry that God
was calling us to step into. One day Dave told me, “Joyce, I
don’t have any choice. God is telling me that I have to confront
you.”
He even bought a book by David W. Augsburger called
Caring Enough to Confront4 and read it. I was nervous when
he bought it, but it was even worse knowing that he was
reading it! Just as I feared, he began to use his newly learned
confrontational skills on me.
We had been having a good conversation one night, when
he began, “Joyce, I believe that the Lord has shown me that
because of the wounded position you were in when I married
you, if I had confronted you sooner, you would have left me.”
It’s true, I probably would have, not because I didn’t love
him, not because I would have wanted to leave him, but
because of the way I was mistreated as a child; I wouldn’t have
known any other way to react except to run. I had so much
rebellion in my flesh that I had to be left alone for God to work
with me for a long period of time.
God definitely sent my husband to me. I’m confident that
God has sent people to help you mature in Him, too. Or
perhaps God may be ready to use you to help someone grow in
the knowledge of His fullness or lead them into His kingdom. If
so, you may have to be that scapegoat until God says, “It’s
time to confront.”
That’s what Dave did for me. He loved me; he just kept
persisting and consistently loving me and showing me the love
of God. Now if I get downright rude with Dave, he tells me,
“Knock it off.” But I did so many things that I would never
have tolerated from others, yet he just overlooked my faults
until God told him to deal with me.
He was just like Jesus waiting like a lamb led to the
slaughter. He was being mistreated and picked on, and I was
just getting by with it and nothing was happening, nothing
was changing, but God had a plan. God sees what we are and
what we will become.
If God asks you to be a scapegoat in a situation, it is
because He is trying to give that person some space of time to
change. He knows who that person will become, and He needs
you to carry the load for that person for a period of time. Just
as it was important for Dave to avoid confrontation with me for
a while, it was also important to move when God said, “Now,
it’s time to confront her.”
 Dave told me one night, “Can I tell you something, Joyce? In
the natural, I don’t want to challenge you on these things.” He
said, “Why would I want to fight with you and argue with you
every time I turn around? I don’t really care where we go to eat.
It doesn’t make that much difference to me, and I would just as
soon let you have your way.” He explained, “I’m doing this
because God is telling me that I’ve got to do this now if we’re
going to progress and go on to the fullness of what God has
for us.”
When a person gets far enough along in the Lord, they
should be able to submit to whatever authority God puts in
their lives. If I would have resisted Dave’s leadership at that
point, I wouldn’t be in ministry today. We wouldn’t be flying
all over the nation, or teaching on television and radio stations
around the world. If you will do things God’s way, God will
honor you. You will come to be that lionhearted, but only if
you do things God’s way.

SUBMIT TO THE
ANOINTING
In the ministry, a person quickly learns that you cannot
operate without God’s anointing. And you quickly learn what
God will anoint and what He will not. God anoints humility and
obedience. To demonstrate our willingness to be obedient,
there must be authority in our lives.
When God established authority in our home, He had a big
plan in mind. As wives demonstrate the humility needed to
submit to their husbands, husbands must also humble
themselves and submit to God. God tells them to love their
wives, so women wind up with a double portion of love, both
her husband and her Lord are looking after her. God’s plan for
everyone to be subject to someone is explained in Romans
13:1,2.
Let every person be loyally subject to the governing
(civil) authorities. For there is no authority except from
God [by His permission, His sanction], and those that
exist do so by God’s appointment.
Therefore he who resists and sets himself up against the
authorities resists what God has appointed and
arranged [in divine order]. And those who resist will
bring down judgment upon themselves [receiving the
penalty due them].
We are supposed to have a godly fear of authority. The
devil can wreak havoc in homes where the man isn’t submitting
to God by loving his wife and the woman isn’t submitting to
her husband. Respect needs to flow in our homes. The devil
works on women trying to make them feel like doormats. But,
the Hebrew word for helper in Genesis 2:18 is best illustrated
by picturing the “opposite bookend.” A woman needs to be as
strong as her husband, complementing his efforts to hold up
the family. But there must be humility in her life to lean towards
her husband, as God commands her to, and not away from him,
or everything that God wants to hold together in the family will
fall.
We must be able to respect authority to be able to handle
the power that comes with any anointing God gives to us. I
have a gift to teach and preach, but I still don’t have the right
to be the head of my home. The Word clearly teaches that
authority is in our lives as a divine order and a covering, not as
a ranking of superiority or inferiority. In the context of telling
men they are the head of the family, God also tells them to
remember they came from woman and would not have life
without her. God keeps everything in balance.
I believe any woman who is trying to operate in any kind of
ministry who won’t come under her husband’s authority will
miss the anointing that God has for her, unless she comes into
obedience to the order He established for the family. It doesn’t
matter if her husband has anything to do with her ministry or
not. She still must be willing to humble herself to be in line with
God’s principles if she wants power to be released through the
work of her hands.
We must be able to respect authority to be able to handle the
power that comes with any anointing God gives to us.
God dealt with me over the years about things that needed
to change in me. He covered my shortcomings by His grace for
a certain period of time, and He let me get by with things. There
is so much wrong with each one of us when we first come to
Him that if He revealed it all at one time, we would just say,
“Take me home, Lord, and forget it.”
But God uncovers things in us that need to change one
issue at a time. His grace gives us the power to do the right
thing, after He shows us where we need to grow. God
uncovered things in my personality that He wanted changed
one step at a time. At that point in my life, I needed to trust
God’s order and authority if I wanted to move on to the next
level of His plan.
We go from glory to glory to glory. It is tremendous to think
that all those bad things in our lives can be turned into glories
— that God can take each one of our bad habits and bad
attitudes and He can turn them into another story of His
goodness and power.
God is long-suffering, and He sent just the right person to
help me learn the lessons I needed. I believe that every couple
is put together to help each other reestablish fellowship with
God. That is our divine purpose, to help each other get home
again, spiritually, mentally, and physically. You don’t know
what your husband is capable of. You don’t know the talents
and the gifts that are in him, but if you will love him and help
him bring out his full potential, you will both enjoy God’s
divine plans for you.

PREFER ONE ANOTHER

God began to deal with me that if I wanted His anointing to
increase on my life, then I also had to stop being harsh. It was
my nature to be tough. I couldn’t even tell one of the kids to
take the trash out without sounding like an army sergeant. I
could make my point loud and clear, “All right, let’s get it out!
Go! Go! Go! Move! Get that trash! Get it out there! Go! Go!
Go!”
It was even hard to for me to say, “Honey, would you please
get me a glass of water?” I preferred, “Give me a glass of water,
will you? Be quick about it!” Maybe that’s a little bit of an
exaggeration, but when God began to show me the price of
peace, I saw many areas that demonstrated my need for
humility.
 When God starts to uncover pride in our lives, He lets us
feel it in an exaggerated manner so we get the weight of what
we are like compared to His holiness. God showed me that I
needed to be sweet and gentle and humble and meek and kind
and lowly. He taught me to say “please” and “thank you.” I
learned that it didn’t hurt so much after all.
Another area that God taught me a lesson in humility was
through our finances. I do believe that both the husband and
wife should be involved in the financial standings of a
household. For a while I was totally ignorant of our finances
and I started feeling resentful and left out. Now I know how the
bills are being paid, even though they are Dave’s
responsibility. Sharing this knowledge keeps us in agreement
about major purchases and financial goals.
If we want to buy something of major value, we talk about it
and stay in agreement. If we absolutely cannot get into
agreement, then we realize that it may not be the time to buy it.
There is a time to get and a time to lose. We can trust God for
the anointing of agreement to indicate the time to buy.
I have seen God’s anointing at work when it is time to shop.
I know that sounds funny, but when it’s the right time it
doesn’t take me but about one hour to buy five outfits. I mean
every one of them will fit me perfectly. God’s anointing will be
on it — it is God’s timing, the money is there, and everything is
right. There have been times when I have gone up and down
the mall in vain, wearing myself out and listening to Dave say,
“Can we go home? I can’t stand this anymore.”
I could have been looking all day and half the night and
have nothing but a pair of shoes I didn’t even like, and one
dress that didn’t fit me right. It is better to shop when God is
ready to place His blessing on it.
 If you are trying to buy a house and you are not in
agreement over it, it may not be God’s timing. The most
important thing in a godly home is that you have no strife.
You’ve got to get the strife out of your lives. And a lot of strife
comes over money because one wants to do one thing and
somebody else wants to do something else. I believe that if
you are both seeking God, you can come into agreement.
But what if we have the money to buy something and he
wants to buy a boat and I want to buy a couch, or what if he
wants to buy golf clubs and I want to buy a new coat? Who
wins? I believe the one who wins is the one who gives in first,
and not the one who gets his or her own way. The Bible says it
is more blessed to give than to receive.
Dave and I were arguing about something; I wanted one
thing and he wanted something else, and I finally argued him
down and I got what I wanted. For a minute I felt pretty smug.
He went to get a cup of coffee, and I unexpectedly felt the
presence of the Holy Ghost come all over me. He said, “You
know, you didn’t win; you lost.” He said, “The one who wins
in a situation like this, Joyce, is not the one who gets what they
want, but the one who gives in first.”
If you can be obedient to the heart of God like that, if out of
pure honor to God you prefer the desire of your spouse, you
will have peace that passes understanding flowing through
your life. You won’t have to say, “Lord, I don’t think this is
fair, but to honor You, I’m going to let it go.” God will see to it
in the long run that you get what’s coming to you. God will
bless you when you have an attitude of meekness and
humility.
ENJOY PEACE
Let’s look in Matthew 11, starting in verse 28: Come to Me,
all you who labor and are heavy-laden and overburdened,
and I will cause you to rest. [I will ease and relieve and
refresh your souls.] When we are trying to take charge of our
own life, and trying to make things work out the way we want
them to, and we’re resisting about 50 to 75 percent of
everything that comes our way because we don’t like it, or
want it, or it doesn’t feel good, or because we don’t
understand it, we are not enjoying the rest that comes through
humility.
If you are not enjoying the peace of God, you are not resting
in God, and you are probably heavy-laden and overburdened.
Jesus says, Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am
gentle (meek) and humble (lowly) in heart, and you will find
rest (relief and ease and refreshment and recreation and
blessed quiet) for your souls. For My yoke is wholesome
(useful, good — not harsh, hard, sharp, or pressing) …
(Matthew 11:29,30). Harsh, hard, sharp, and pressing is the way
of the flesh. Harsh, hard, sharp, and pressing is the way of the
world. Humble, gentle, meek, and lowly is the way of the
kingdom. That’s a kingdom law.
When I think about those four words — gentle, meek,
humble, and lowly — I initially think of “pain.” The flesh
prickles with resistance to humility, gentleness, meekness, and
lowliness. For example, do you love correction? The Bible says
if you are humble, you will love correction.
I have learned something that has brought me much, much
peace and rest, and that is, God is sovereign. We are in God’s
hands and God loves us and He cares for us. If I keep my big
brown eyes on Him, He’s going to make it all work out all right.
Even the things that don’t feel good right now, He’s going to
make them all work out all right in the end. All I need to do is
learn to be gentle, meek, humble, and lowly. In Colossians 3:12,
the Bible says,
Even the things that don’t feel good right now, God is going
to make them all work out all right in the end.
Clothe yourselves therefore, as God’s own chosen ones
(His own picked representatives), [who are] purified and
holy and well-beloved [by God Himself, by putting on
behavior marked by] tenderhearted pity and mercy, kind
feeling, a lowly opinion of yourselves, gentle ways, [and]
patience [which is tireless and long-suffering, and has
the power to endure whatever comes, with good temper].
As God’s chosen ones, we have the power to endure
whatever comes, with good temper. Romans 8:28 says, We are
assured and know that [God being a partner in their labor]
all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good
to and for those who love God and are called according to
[His] design and purpose.
Ephesians 1:11 says, In Him we also were made [God’s]
heritage (portion) and we obtained an inheritance; for we
had been foreordained (chosen and appointed beforehand) in
accordance with His purpose, Who works out everything in
agreement with the counsel and design of His [own] will.
You might think that it doesn’t include what you are going
through, but the Word says He works out everything. Just
because something doesn’t feel good, doesn’t mean it’s not
good. And just because it looks awful right now, doesn’t mean
that it’s going to look awful down the road when we will see
God fit even the most awful thing into a plan for our good.
Trust is trusting God when it doesn’t make any sense at all,
and you don’t see any way that it could possibly fit in. But yet
you’re saying, “God, I’m in Your hands. I have put myself in
Your hands by faith. And I believe, because You’re God, that
You’re going to work it out to my good. I believe that! I believe
You’re going to work it out!”
We received a letter from a young woman who paid us a
good compliment. Here is a summary of her comments:
I thank God for your ministry because it has filled in the
gaps … I could preach a series on prosperity and
healing, but thank God, I can also preach a series on
suffering. It’s just as much a part of the Word as all the
rest of it. If we leave that part out, we’re going to leave
people in confusion because you’re going to have the
fiery trials; you’re going to have the tribulation; you’re
going to have the affliction; you’re going to have the
suffering — because the Bible says you are.
The Bible says it’s part of God’s plan to grow us up. It’s
part of God’s plan to get us to the point where we frankly
don’t care what’s going on, we’re the same all the time
because we’re not operating because of what’s going on
out there; we’re operating because of what’s going on in
here [our heart].
I thank God for the teaching that I had about faith and
healing and prosperity, but it wasn’t working without
the part about dying to self! I was wearing myself out all
 the time! I was confused because I didn’t understand why
I couldn’t get everything I wanted, the way I wanted it,
when I wanted it.
I couldn’t understand what was wrong with me, what
was wrong with my faith. I thank God for the teachings
I’ve got on faith, prosperity, healing, knowing the Word,
knowing how to pray, and how to chase the devil off my
property. But I thank God that you filled in the gaps.
We’ve got to have the whole counsel of the Word of God.
Years ago, the church was in extremes the other direction.
All Christians wanted to do was suffer, suffer, suffer, suffer —
but we suffer so we can get resurrected, not so you can just go
around suffering in the same area all your life! When God deals
with you in an area of life, you will come out on the other side
of it free! But, I might as well tell you that He will always be
dealing with you about something.
God chastises those whom He loves. He loves you more
than you will ever know. Yes, God wants us to prosper. Yes, He
wants to see us with healthy bodies. Yes, He wants our
marriages to work. Yes, He wants us to have favor because we
are the ones who are to bring Him the glory in this earth, but
we have to be willing to do it God’s way. Jesus said, “Follow in
My footsteps.” The Bible says man’s mind plans his way, but
God directs his steps. Put everything that concerns you in
God’s hands; He will give you what is right.
Philippians 4:6-7 says,
… in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer
and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving,
continue to make your wants known to God.
And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a
 soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so
fearing nothing from God and being content with its
earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which
transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount
guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Here’s an example of how to take everything, all of our
wants, to God. Suppose that Dave decides he wants us to go
somewhere and I don’t want to go.
I tell him, “I really don’t want to go there, Dave. I just don’t
want to go! Could we not go?”
He is firm, “Well, yes, we’re going to go.”
I concede, “OK, we’re going to go.”
So then I go to God, I say, God, I really don’t want to go. I’d
like it if You’d change Dave’s heart. I just really don’t want to
go. However, God, I’ll put myself in Your hands, and I’ll believe
that if You want me to go, I’ll go, and if You don’t want us to
go, then You will change his heart. How many fights and wars
would be avoided if we took our wants to God and trusted Him
to work things out on our behalf? It never ceases to amaze me
what God will do for us if we will simply ask Him.
It is amazing what God will do for us if we will simply ask
Him.
God won’t leave you hanging. First Peter 5:10 promises, And
after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace
[Who imparts all blessing and favor], Who has called you to
His [own] eternal glory in Christ Jesus, will Himself complete
and make you what you ought to be, establish and ground
you securely, and strengthen, and settle you.
We can stand anything for a little while, but don’t give up
until His work is complete. Continue to love your spouse until
you see that you have become one. Continue to obey God’s
Word until you see His promises complete in you. God will do
a work in our lives that we will not be able to believe or
understand.
 20
HELP ME — I THINK I’M IN
LOVE!
Bid the older women similarly to be reverent and devout in
their deportment as becomes those engaged in sacred
service, not slanderers or slaves to drink. They are to give
good counsel and be teachers of what is right and noble,
So that they will wisely train the young women to be sane
and sober of mind (temperate, disciplined) and to love their
husbands and their children.
Titus 2:3,4

The day I said to Dave, “I give up — teach me to play golf,”

may have been the day I learned to truly love him. We have
enjoyed golf together for a good number of years now. It is a
time that we can get away together and enjoy the solitude of
the course, the fresh air, and the exercise.
Sitting in the fishing boat all day may not be your idea of a
perfect date with your husband, but you may be surprised at
the pleasure you’ll take in seeing him within his favorite
element. It could be so good for your relationship that he
agrees to walk through the craft show with you the next
weekend. Whatever it is your husband is able to find refuge in,
take the challenge to “adapt yourself to him” and say, “You
know, I’d like to go with you sometime.”
With a shocked expression, your husband will probably say,
“What? You would?” I can’t wait to get your letter telling me
that you took the assignment and went with him to his favorite
get away. Maybe it will simply be watching a football game
with him, cuddled up at his side while you hold the popcorn
bowl for him. Maybe you will spend a day puttering in his
workshop with him, holding a piece of wood steady while he
cuts it in two.
I’m sure that one part of your testimony will be the same as
the other women who offer to spend the day with their
husbands doing “whatever” they most enjoy. You will write
and say, “You know, Joyce, I think I might go with him again
someday soon.”
When you spend this day with him, use the time to just
notice him while he leads you through his adventure. Leave
behind all your agendas, grudges, and payback plans. Take an
interest in him, and see what surprises God has for you
through your relationship with your husband.
We go in search of an experience with God, we look for our
“ministry” and wonder if God can use us in some way, when all
the time God has already given us the assignment to love our
husbands as unto the Lord. We need to start giving our time,
our attention, our sacrifice, and our service to our spouse.
Once you are good at loving each other, God will give you
bigger assignments. When the two of you are in agreement,
God will cause you to do ten times what you would have been
able to do alone.
Dave goes out and plays golf a lot of times when I don’t
want to go — I don’t feel about the game what he does. If I tell
him I really don’t want to go that day, it’s fine. But we have
great memories of the times we have played together. You’ve
got to have fun together; you need to laugh together.
You and your spouse have to have fun together; you need to
laugh together.
Dave and I still wrestle sometimes. Even though we’re older,
we still chase each other around. It’s a little dangerous for me
because once we start wrestling, he gets in his conquer mode
and he’s going to win or else. I tell him sometimes it’s
dangerous to horse around with him because I am bound to
wind up with bruises before the game is over.
Several years ago, probably twenty-five years ago, we were
chasing each other through the house one night, playing, “I
got you last.” I would run and hit him, then take off running
and shout, “I got you last.” Then he would chase me and say,
“I got you last.” Then I would chase him again, and he would
chase me.
Well, I ran outside, through the front door, and around our
cul-de-sac. I was running as fast as I could go, then I turned to
run back to the house. The overhead garage door was partially
opened, but it was dark outside and I didn’t realize that the
dark brown door was not opened all the way. It was suspended
a few feet from the ceiling and I ran right into it, hitting the top
of my head. The impact knocked me off my feet and cut my
head open.
Dave had to take me to the hospital to get stitches. The first
thing the nurses and doctors look for is abuse. So there I was
with a gash in my head and they were probing for the story,
“Honey, can you tell us what happened? Did he beat you up?”
I said, “Actually we were playing, ‘I got you last.’”
The nurse said, “You were doing what?”
 I said, “We were playing ‘I got you last.’ I was chasing him,
he was chasing me, you know, ‘tag — you’re it, I got you last.’
Then I ran …”
She said, “Honey, I’ve worked here a long time, and I have
seen every kind of situation. But we have never had a case of ‘I
got you last.’”
Seriously, couples need to take every opportunity available
in a day to laugh. Seize the moment, and make each other laugh
about something. I was always so serious, sober, and a deep
thinker, always thinking about something, always trying to
solve some problem. I have learned in the last few years to be
more childlike and more lighthearted.
The things that Dave used to do that would make me mad for
two or three days just make us laugh now. Likewise, I did
plenty of things that would irritate him, and now we just laugh
when we look back on those days. Take every opportunity that
you can to laugh.
Your husband needs a helpmate, not a nag, a boss, a critic, a
teacher, a potter who wants to keep reworking him on the
wheel all the time. He doesn’t need you to be a personal
advisor, unless he asks for it. But he does need a friend and a
place to come home where he is championed, in spite of what
he had to put up with through his day. He may not want to
relive the stresses he went through at work by telling you
about it, but he certainly will enjoy the escape to your warm
embrace when he comes home. Help him to realize there is more
to life than what he experienced at work.
Have fun! Plan playtime together. Look for the humor in a
situation. Call it out at unexpected moments. Don’t be so
serious all the time. Laugh at yourself!
One precious lady came to me at a conference and could
hardly say what she wanted to say to me, but finally she
admitted, “I really didn’t want to come. I was glad when I called
the first time and you were out of tickets, but then somebody
gave us tickets, so I came.
“We have been married twenty-four years and have seven
children and I came here with no hope — I was ready to get a
divorce and give up.” Tears started running down her face as
she said, “I’m not even sure why, but somehow this weekend
some hope has slipped into my heart.”
Dropping her voice a little, she said, “My husband and I
have not made love for two years,” then she leaned over and
whispered in my ear, “but tonight I really want to make love to
my husband.” God’s Word changes people’s hearts. There’s
hope and help in God. People without the Lord are without
hope, but in Christ Jesus there is a bright future.

LIKE A PAIR OF BOOKENDS

Dave and I are one and becoming more alike all the time.
When I’m with Dave, it’s like being by myself. I’m so
comfortable with him; I can just do anything I want to when we
are together. I don’t have to talk if I don’t want to or I can talk
if I want to. Sometimes Dave and I take trips, and we will ride
two or three hours without saying one word. But yet, there’s a
silent communication going on between us.
I really don’t care to do many things without my husband. I
just don’t enjoy being apart from him much. Dave goes
shopping with me; if I go to the grocery store, he goes with me.
I still have to watch him to keep him from throwing food at me
when we go, but even these trips to the store are filled with
wonderful memories of the two us shopping, with kids hanging
out of the carts. I see Dave chasing us while I tried to restore
the purpose and intent of the serious expedition we were really
there to achieve.
A lot of times if I don’t want to play golf or don’t feel like it,
he will want me just to come and ride on the cart. He says,
“You can read or study or do what you want to.” Dave keeps
me balanced; he keeps me looking at the world from new angles
that I wouldn’t otherwise enjoy.
Now there are times when he goes by himself, and there are
times when I go by myself. I’m not trying to sound unbalanced,
but I am trying to share a principle with you. When the Bible
says to leave your father and mother and to cleave to each
other, it doesn’t mean to get married and then for the man to
play on three softball teams a week and bowl two nights and
play golf at least once after his sixty-hour workweek.
There are plenty of marriages that have irreparable damage
done to them because the man was gone all the time doing
what he wanted to do while his wife was home alone trying to
raise the kids. Let me just say again — don’t avoid each other.
If your husband wants to play ball, go park yourself in your
lawn chair and sit right there and watch him. You don’t have to
thoroughly enjoy it, but you need to be there and be there with
him.
Invite your husband to go to the store with you. When he
says he doesn’t want to spend his time at the store, tell him
you need his company. These gestures of companionship will
change your love life.
The Bible says a man should leave his father and his mother
and he should cleave unto his wife. And remember “cleave,” as
we saw before, means to be glued to, to stick with, and to
follow. To “cleave” to a person is to go where he goes, to be
attached, devoted, and hang upon each other as an expression
of love. “Cleave” means to be made fast, to be permanently
attached as with adhesive, soldered together or welded so as
to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly.
A lot of times, I just hang on Dave. “What God has joined
together, let not man put asunder.” I believe that the purpose
for marriage is strength because the Bible says that one can
put a thousand to flight, but two, ten thousand. (Deuteronomy
32:30.) The Bible says, Can two walk together, unless they are
agreed? (Amos 3:3 NKJV).
I believe that God’s purpose of marriage is enjoyment. God
wants you to enjoy each other the way He wants you to enjoy
Him.
I believe that God’s purpose of marriage is enjoyment. God
wants you to enjoy each other the way He wants you to enjoy
Him.
Satan works so hard to destroy marriages by bringing strife
into the relationship. He must know something that we don’t
know. The devil is threatened by the power of a loving
marriage relationship where two people are in unity and in
harmony with each other. He knows love never fails, so his
only hope is to destroy the love between two people.
What do we really think that means when it says, “one can
put a thousand to flight, but two, ten thousand”? How many
enemies do you think you’ve got out there trying to destroy
you? You have strength when you are in agreement.
Agreement is the key to answered prayers. Strength comes
from agreement. The Bible says a house divided cannot stand.
When we live in strife, we destroy our strength.
The Bible says if men mistreat their wives, God is not going
to answer their prayers. So many people are not getting their
prayers answered, and I believe disagreement in their home is
one of the main reasons why.

THE BALANCE OF LOVE

We have so much balance now. Dave used to tell me that I
was always running out ahead of God. And I said, “Yeah, and
you’re ten miles behind Him.” But I am no longer running
ahead of God, and Dave is no longer behind. God gave Dave a
vision once of a wild team of white horses pulling a chariot
with a driver who was trying to hold them back. The horses
were in a frenzy and the guy in the chariot had the brake on so
it was digging a rut in the road.
The Lord told Dave, “That’s you and Joyce. She’s the wild
horses and you’re the guy in the chariot trying to hold her
back. You’re trying to slow things down. And she’s trying to
run ahead.”
And so God has brought us together and changed Dave’s
heart. We cannot change our husband’s heart but God can. In
Ezra 7:27 (NIV) we see how God changed the heart of the king to
come in line with God’s plan. Praise be to the LORD, the God of
our fathers, who has put it into the king’s heart to bring
honor to the house of the LORD in Jerusalem in this way. The
Lord told Dave, “I need you to work together so you can flow
together.”
I have come to trust Dave. I know he loves me and he is not
out to get me. He still can get cranky once in a while or make a
decision that I don’t think is fair to me about money or
something, but he will usually always rectify it if I don’t get
angry and try to make a big deal out of it. I know I can trust
God to either rectify the situation or give me the grace to let it
drop.
After you are married to somebody for a long time, you learn
how to work with them. If Dave feels strongly about
something, and I see that our debate is starting to get heated, I
just back off. Then if it’s something that is really important to
me, I might try again a week later.
A lot of times he will feel differently about it, but if he still
feels the same way then, I just realize I’ve got to let it go. If I
ever come to Dave and say to him, “This is what God said to
me,” he will always let me do what I want. But I never abuse
that. I mean I never tell him that unless I really, really feel like
God did tell me something.
I appreciate the freedom that Dave lets me have with God. I
suppose it is because Dave knows he can trust God, too. Dave
never tries to tell me what to do in the pulpit. He lets me run the
meetings and never gets involved in that aspect of what I’m
trying to do. He never tries to tell me how to hear from God.
Now if I was doing something wrong, he would tell me, but
there has only been a couple of times he has corrected me
about anything. One time he said, “I don’t think you should
say that, that way.”
We have a wonderful relationship now. But we know each
other so well and we respect each other. I respect Dave’s
authority and he respects the gift that God has put in me. He
doesn’t intrude on what God has put in me and recognizes the
authority God has anointed me to have on the platform.
When asked about how it feels to see me in the focal point
of the ministry, he says that God has put me in that position,
and he is at peace with the work of God in our lives. Of course
if he wasn’t in agreement, this ministry would not flow in the
anointing that is on it.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

In the beginning of the book, we looked at the fact that God
wants order and balance and love to flow between a husband
and wife so that there will be godly offspring released into the
earth. I am convinced that much of the rebellion that we see in
teenagers today is caused because of strife between the
parents.
The best parenting advice we can give to couples is to love
each other and be openly affectionate in front of your children.
If you fight all the time, it will affect your children. In the earlier
years when Dave and I would get in a fight, they would get
upset and go to their rooms and cry. There is no greater pain
for a child to experience than the threat of their parents not
loving each other. But it doesn’t work to pretend to love each
other just for the sake of the children.
The person we are married to is the most important person in
our life, besides the Lord Jesus Christ. Your spouse is more
important to you than your children. Your children will grow up
and get married and leave for their own life, and they leave the
nest quickly. We had four children with us, and in a matter of
twelve months’ time, two of them married, and another one
became engaged.
If you pour all your life into your children, someday you may
regret that you did. Your children should not come before your
spouse. Take good care of your children, but don’t place them
above God or your marriage. Be generous with your children
while they are with you. Teach them the principles of giving by
letting them see your offerings and assistance to people in the
body of Christ, but be sure to let those principles operate
toward them, too. God convicted me years ago to give to my
children.
I know a man right now who refuses to be a Christian
because his father gave all their money to the church and let
his own children go barefoot, even in the winter. They bore the
discomfort and embarrassment of going to school with no
shoes on, and it created a bitterness in his heart that he has
never gotten over.
If you tithe and give offerings according to the leading of
the Lord, I believe you will always have enough to meet your
family’s needs and more besides. But the Bible does teach in
Proverbs to use wise thoughtfulness. Sometimes we can get a
personal satisfaction out of giving to others and get so caught
up in it that we forget our own family. In Isaiah 58 the Bible
says not to forget the needs of your own flesh and blood.
When I first started learning the principles of giving, I was
giving offerings, taking clothes out of my closet and things off
my walls and giving them to people. I wanted to be involved in
giving! One day, the Lord quickened my heart saying, “Your
own kids are running around with holes in their shoes, and
you’re busy giving everything you have to somebody else.”
Sometimes we get so religious with a godly principle that we
miss the heart of how it is supposed to work for the people we
live with.
We give to strangers and bless people through the church,
and it makes us feel good. If we do it to be well liked by the
people who see us give, then we are being religious instead of
godly. We need to give to our own spouses and children just
because we love them, not for any other approval.
I always encourage men to be involved with the discipline of
the children. The dad should establish the consequence of
disobedience. No woman will ever discipline a child like a man
could, and no child will ever fear a mother properly — and I’m
talking about a right kind of fear — like they will for the father.
Mothers may have to help get the dads involved, since they
are with the children more than he is. My son tried to talk me
into stuff and argued and made deals with me to convince me.
If that didn’t work, he would cry and play on my emotions. But
not so with Dave. If Dave told him something, that was it
because a man is anointed with authority in the home. He is
supposed to walk in it with love, and the wife is supposed to
submit to it with her support of it. When the children see their
agreement, their security is established and they learn to
submit, too.
When the children see their parents’ agreement, their security
is established and they learn to submit.
Unconditional love needs to be balanced with
encouragement for a child to do his best. The home should not
be a place of pressure where your children feel the need to
perform just to make you feel good. Encourage your children to
do their best in school, but don’t ever compare them with
another sibling or child you know.
It is pitiful what some people go through by the time they are
grown. The most important thing we can teach our children is
how to have healthy, loving relationships. They need to learn
to get along with their siblings and treat people with the same
respect they see their mom and dad treating each other.
If the relationships in your home need repair, God is in the
healing business. There is a move of the Holy Spirit right now
to bring healing to past hurts and direction for a fruitful future.
 Build esteem in your children by loving each other first. To
do this, you need to have time alone, away from them. Spend
time together as a couple; go on dates. Maybe that sounds
silly to you because you are married, but you need to be
dating!
I can remember when Dave and I were first married, and we
didn’t have much money. We might have $40 left over for a
month, and that was if we didn’t have a flat tire, or some other
surprise expense. Every once in a while, somebody would give
Dave tickets to a show or a ball game or something so we could
go out together. All day long I would get ready to go out with
Dave. The process of the bubble bath, the perfume, the
makeup, combing the hair, all built great anticipation for our
time together.

A GOOD MARRIAGE HAPPENS ON

PURPOSE
Good marriages are not an accident. If you want to have a
great relationship with anyone, you have to deliberately work
at it. It doesn’t matter if you are building a friendship with a
neighbor, a relative, your child, your spouse, or God, you have
to keep communication flowing to and from the one you love.
This involvement causes love to keep growing between you. It
is … by understanding it (a life, a home, a family) is
established [on a sound and good foundation] (Proverbs
24:3).
Good marriages are not an accident. If you want to have a
great relationship with anyone, you have to deliberately
work at it.
 Find out what your spouse would enjoy doing on a night
out. Get a baby-sitter if you still have small children at home
and spend the night out. The kids will do fine. They would rule
you if you let them! But they are going to grow up and go their
way and live happily ever after, while you two are going to be
with each other for life! Do something now about making sure
you have something you want to live for later on!
Go to dinner and perhaps occasionally stay in a nice hotel,
even if it is close to home. Don’t let your life get boring! There
are so many people who just are bored with their lives. Do
something about boredom! Be creative! Pray and ask God for
ideas. Everybody craves change, even when they are afraid of
it.
Protect these outings between the two of you. Be sure they
happen frequently enough to keep your outlook stirred with
new scenery. Go out every one or two weeks and discover
what it is like just to be alone in each other’s company. Hold
hands, rub shoulders, hug and show respect to each other.
Demonstrate to the world what God’s love looks like between
two people.

THE WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY

Revelation 12:11 (NIV), speaking of believers in defense
against the accuser, says, They overcame him by the blood of
the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love
their lives so much as to shrink from death.
To love someone is to die to self, but dying to self is the
only way to gain the life God has planned for us. Dave and I
share a testimony of God’s power to overcome the devil’s war
against us. We have endless memories that we can talk about
even when we are too old to enjoy traveling to new places. We
understand that our days are short, packed with activity and
events, but our retreat home to each other remains a highlight
for each new day.
The Word of God changes people; it certainly changed me.
Radical changes, for all areas of life, are in store for those who
will put their hope in God. I honestly don’t know how people
are living without Jesus; I can hardly comprehend getting
through one day without the Lord lighting our path to the
greatest of all eternal things — love.
In closing, I think the letter to you from Peter, as
paraphrased in The Living Bible, best summarizes this
testimony of hope that we have in God:
God paid a ransom to save you from the impossible road to
heaven which your fathers tried to take, and the ransom he
paid was not mere gold or silver, as you very well know.
But he paid for you with the precious lifeblood of Christ,
the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him for this
purpose long before the world began, but only recently was
he brought into public view, in these last days, as a
blessing to you.
Because of this, your trust can be in God who raised Christ
from the dead and gave him great glory. Now your faith
and hope can rest in him alone. Now you can have real
love for everyone because your souls have been cleansed
from selfishness and hatred when you trusted Christ to save
you; so see to it that you really do love each other warmly,
with all your hearts.
For you have a new life. It was not passed on to you from
your parents, for the life they gave you will fade away. This
 new one will last forever, for it comes from Christ, God’s
ever-living Message to men.
Yes, our natural lives will fade as grass does when it
becomes all brown and dry. All our greatness is like a
flower that droops and falls, but the Word of the Lord will
last forever. And his message is the Good News that was
preached to you.

1 Peter 1:18-25
Our lives should be full of reward — full of testimony of
God’s power in our lives. Peter went on to testify in his first
letter to the church, chapter 2:15 (TLB), that, It is God’s will
that your good lives should silence those who foolishly
condemn the Gospel without knowing what it can do for them,
having never experienced its power. God is wonderful. He is
awesome, and it is the greatest thing to know God, to be saved
and to enjoy the benefits of living within His divine order and
grace. He didn’t just save us from dying and going to hell; He
saved us from having to live in hell while we’re here on the
earth.
The testimony of your and your spouse’s love for each other
can be used by God to win others to Himself.
The testimony of your love for each other can be used by
God to win others to Himself. The mystery of how God causes
you and your spouse to become one flesh in perfect agreement
through marriage is great, but within your testimony of how
God makes this happen lies a revelation of God’s love for you
and the world.
God is the Author of life’s greatest love stories. Let Him
finish writing the one you have begun.
God didn’t just save us from dying and going to hell; He saved
us from having to live in hell while we’re here on the earth.
 PRAYER FOR A PERSONAL
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE LORD

God wants you to receive His free gift of salvation. Jesus

wants to save you and fill you with the Holy Spirit more than
anything. If you have never invited Jesus, the Prince of Peace,
to be your Lord and Savior, I invite you to do so now. Pray the
following prayer, and if you are really sincere about it, you will
experience a new life in Christ.

Father,
You loved the world so much, You gave Your only
begotten Son to die for our sins so that whoever believes
in Him will not perish, but have eternal life.
Your Word says we are saved by grace through faith as
a gift from You. There is nothing we can do to earn
salvation.
I believe and confess with my mouth that Jesus Christ
is Your Son, the Savior of the world. I believe He died on
the cross for me and bore all of my sins, paying the price
for them. I believe in my heart that You raised Jesus from
the dead.
I ask You to forgive my sins. I confess Jesus as my Lord.
According to Your Word, I am saved and will spend
eternity with You! Thank You, Father. I am so grateful! In
Jesus’ Name, amen.
See John 3:16; Ephesians 2:8,9; Romans 10:9,10; 1
Corinthians 15:3,4; 1 John 1:9; 4:14-16; 5:1,12,13.
ANOTHER BLESSING AVAILABLE TO YOU

There is one more very important thing you need to know.

The Bible calls another blessing available to you the baptism
of the Holy Spirit. Matthew 3:4-6,11 tells us that John said
when Jesus came, Jesus would baptize people with the Holy
Ghost and fire. John had been baptizing people in water, and
they had been repenting of their sins, but this baptism was in
the Holy Spirit.
In Acts 1:5-8, Jesus talked about this Spirit baptism. He said
they would receive power (ability, efficiency, and might) when
the Holy Spirit came upon them, and this power would cause
them to be witnesses to Jesus.
When you received Jesus, you received the Holy Spirit into
your human spirit. But the baptism of the Spirit is a filling
completely. He fills you, and you are placed into Him. It is like
asking the Spirit to fill you through and through with the power
and ability to live the Christian life and serve God according to
His will.
If you need power, ability, strength, and miracles in your life,
you need to be baptized in the Holy Spirit.

HOW TO RECEIVE THE BAPTISM IN THE

HOLY SPIRIT
 Ask God to fill you and to baptize you in the Holy Spirit.
Simply pray, Father, in Jesus’ Name, I ask you to baptize me in
the power of the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in
tongues.
Be relaxed and at ease in God’s presence. He loves you and
wants you to have His best. Wait on Him quietly and believe
you are receiving. Believe before you feel any change. You
may feel a change taking place, but you may not. Do not be led
by your feelings; be led by God’s promises.
To speak in tongues, open your mouth, and as the Spirit
gives you utterance, speak forth what you hear coming up out
of your inner man. This will not come out of your head.
Remember, your mind does not understand this.
That is why it is so hard for many people. We are
accustomed to our minds running our lives. This whole book is
about spiritual life and learning to live spiritually, not naturally.
You will hear or sense syllables, phrases, groanings, or
utterances that are unusual sounding or foreign sounding to
you. Take a step of faith and utter them; speak them forth. Acts
2:4 (KJV) says, they … began to speak with other tongues, as
the Spirit gave them utterance.
You may now use this language (which will grow as you
grow and as you exercise the gift) anytime you pray or just to
edify yourself. Do not speak in tongues around people who do
not understand. Tongues brought forth in a church setting
should be interpreted or explained.
Enjoy your new life in the Spirit!
 ENDNOTES

Chapter 4
1 “marriage.”Merriam-Webster OnLine:/WWWebster
Dictionary. 2000. http://www.m-w.com/dictionary.htm (7
August 2000). (back to text)

Chapter 10
1 James E. Strong, “Greek Dictionary of the New Testament” in
Strong’s Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible (Nashville:
Abingdon, 1890), p. 10, entry #283, s.v. “undefiled,” Hebrews
13:4. (Abbreviations have been spelled out in this and in all
other endnotes from Strong.) (back to text)

Chapter 14
1 Strong, “Greek Dictionary,”
p. 58, entry #4139, s.v.
“neighbour,” Romans 15:2. (back to text)
2 “neighbor.” Merriam-Webster Online. (7 August 2000). (back

to text)

Chapter 15
1 One available test: C. Peter Wagner, Finding Your Spiritual
Gifts: Wagner-Modified Houts Questionnaire (Ventura: Gospel
Light Publications, 1978, 1985, 1995 by C. Peter Wagner). (back
to text)
Chapter 16
1
“cleave.” Based on definition in Merriam-Webster OnLine. (7
August 2000). (back to text)
2 Strong, “Hebrew and Chaldee Dictionary” in Strong’s

Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible (Nashville: Abingdon,

1890), p. 29, entry #1692, s.v. “cleave,” Genesis 2:24. Based on
this definition. (back to text)
3 Strong, p. 10, entry #259, s.v. “one,” Genesis 2:24. (back to

text)
4
Strong, p. 10, entry #258, s.v. “one,” Genesis 2:24. (back to
text)

Chapter 17
1 Gary A. Smalley with John T. Trent, The Language of Love
(Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family Publishing, 1991).
(back to text)
2 “Shooooppping” in “Why Can’t My Spouse Understand
What I Say?” “husbands & wives.”
http://www.family.org/married/ comm/a0009640.html. (back to
text)
3 Strong, “Hebrew and Chaldee Dictionary” p. 87, entry #5828,

“help meet,” Genesis 2:18. Based on definition. (back to text)

Chapter 18
1 Strong, “Greek Dictionary,” p. 51, entry #3626, s.v. “keepers,”
Titus 2:5. From p. 51, entry #3624, “keeper,” Greek origin of the
word. (back to text)
Chapter 19
1
W.E. Vine, Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary of Old
and New Testament Words (Nashville: Thomas Nelson Inc.,
1984), “An Expository Dictionary of New Testament Words,”
p. 401, s.v. “MEEK, MEEKNESS,” B. Nouns. (back to text)
2 “in-wrought.” Merriam-Webster OnLine (6 August 2000).

Based on the definition, “2: worked in especially as

decoration.” (back to text)
3 Vine, “New Testament Words,” s.v. “MEEK, MEEKNESS,” B.

Nouns. (back to text)

4
David W. Augsburger, Caring Enough to Confront (Ventura:
Gospel Light Publications, 1980). (back to text)
 RECOMMENDED READING

LaHaye, Tim. Spirit-Controlled Temperament. Wheaton:

Tyndale House Publishers, 1993.
Littauer, Florence. Your Personality Tree. Nashville: Word
Publishing, 1991.
Smalley, Gary A. with John T. Trent. The Language of Love.
Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family Publishing, 1991.
 ABOUT THE AUTHOR

JOYCE MEYER has been teaching the Word of God since 1976
and in full-time ministry since 1980. She is the bestselling
author of more than seventy inspirational books, including
Approval Addiction, In Pursuit of Peace, How to Hear from
God, and Battlefield of the Mind. She has also released
thousands of audio teachings as well as a complete video
library. Joyce’s Enjoying Everyday Life® radio and television
programs are broadcast around the world, and she travels
extensively conducting conferences. Joyce and her husband,
Dave, are the parents of four grown children and make their
home in St. Louis, Missouri.
To contact the author write: Joyce Meyer Ministries P. O. Box
655
Fenton, Missouri 63026
or call: (636) 349-0303
Internet Address: www.joycemeyer.org
Please include your testimony of help received from this book
when you write. Your prayer requests are welcome.
To contact the ministry in Canada, please write: Joyce Meyer
Ministries, Inc.
Lambeth Box 1300
London, ON N6P 1T5
 Canada
or call: (636) 349-0303
In Australia, please write: Joyce Meyer Ministries, Inc.
Locked Bag 77
Mansfield Delivery Centre Queensland 4122
 Australia
or call: (07) 3349 1200
In England, please write: Joyce Meyer Ministries, Inc.
P. O. Box 1549
 Windsor
SL4 1GT
United Kingdom or call: 01753-831102
 OTHER BOOKS BY J OYCE MEYER

Battlefield of the Mind*

Battlefield of the Mind Devotional
Approval Addiction
Ending Your Day Right
In Pursuit of Peace
The Secret Power of Speaking God’s Word
Seven Things That Steal Your Joy
Starting Your Day Right
Beauty for Ashes Revised Edition
How to Hear from God*
Knowing God Intimately
The Power of Forgiveness
The Power of Determination
The Power of Being Positive
The Secrets of Spiritual Power
The Battle Belongs to the Lord
The Secrets to Exceptional Living
Eight Ways to Keep the Devil Under Your Feet
Teenagers Are People Too!
Filled with the Spirit
Celebration of Simplicity
* Study Guide available for this title
The Joy of Believing Prayer
Never Lose Heart
Being the Person God Made You to Be
A Leader in the Making
“Good Morning, This Is God!”
Jesus—Name Above All Names
 Making Marriage Work
(Previously published as Help Me—I’m Married!) Reduce Me
to Love
Be Healed in Jesus’ Name
How to Succeed at Being Yourself
Weary Warriors, Fainting Saints
Life in the Word Devotional
Be Anxious for Nothing*
Straight Talk Omnibus
Don’t Dread
Managing Your Emotions
Healing the Brokenhearted
Me and My Big Mouth! *
Prepare to Prosper
Do It Afraid!
Expect a Move of God in Your Life … Suddenly!
Enjoying Where You Are on the Way to
Where You Are Going
The Most Important Decision You Will Ever Make
When, God, When?
Why, God, Why?
The Word, the Name, the Blood
Tell Them I Love Them
Peace
The Root of Rejection
If Not for the Grace of God*

JOYCE M EYER SPANISH TITLES

Las Siete Cosas Que Te Roban el Gozo
(Seven Things That Steal Your Joy)
 Empezando Tu Dia Bien
(Starting Your Day Right)

BOOKS BY DAVE M EYER

Life Lines
 Achieve the Marriage of Your Dreams with
the Power of God’s Word!

“We want our marriage to be a triumph, not a tragedy,” reveals

bestselling author Joyce Meyer, who’s been married for more
than thirty years and understands firsthand the challenges.
“But Satan wants a tragedy, and we need to be increasingly
aware of the subtle ways he tries to destroy our marriages and
home lives.”
Whether you’ve been married for thirty days or thirty years,
the time is right to discover how God can transform your
marriage to be all He intended it to be. If you’re a newlywed or
single person, you’ll want to read this book to be prepared.
Whether you are suffering through a marriage crisis or simply
want to improve your marriage, you’ll find hope and courage in
God’s promises of healing and restoration.
Besides a lifetime of biblical wisdom and insights, you’ll gain
Joyce’s personal examples to encourage you and practical
how-to steps to guide you along the path to releasing God’s
power on you and your spouse—and the marriage of your
dreams. After all, the abundant life. He promised is meant for
your marriage too!
Discover how to:
• Take the focus off yourself and your spouse and look to
the Lord • Unleash powerful truths from God’s Word for
you and your marriage • Understand the opposite sex
• Overcome roadblocks to a triumphant marriage
• Live successfully with an insecure person
• Create peace and order in your heart and in your home.
Joyce Meyer has been teaching the Word of God since 1976
and in full-time ministry since 1980. She is the bestselling
author of more than sixty inspirational books, including In
Pursuit of Peace, How to Hear from God, Knowing God
Intimately, and Battlefield of the Mind. She has also released
thousands of teaching cassettes and a complete video library.
Joyce’s Enjoying Everyday Life radio and television programs
are broadcast around the world, and she travels extensively
conducting conferences. Joyce and her husband, Dave, are the
parents of four grown children and make their home in St.
Louis, Missouri.
JACKET DESIGN BY A LICIA REED
JACKET PHOTOGRAPH BY BENN M OSS AND M IKE FEHER/GETTY
IMAGES
VISIT OUR W EB SITE AT WWW.WARNERFAITH.COM
PRINTED IN THE U.S.A
 With God, It’s Never Too Late to Improve
Your Marriage

Dear Reader,
Many people enter a marriage because they’re expecting
the other person to do something for them, to give them
something, to “make me happy.” But we need to look at
marriage from the standpoint of giving, not getting. When
each partner fully gives him-or herself over to thinking of the
other. “What can I do for you?” each will receive everything
desired—and more besides.
The Bible says, “It is more blessed to give than to receive”
(Acts 20:35 KJV). And about marriage: “Let marriage be held
in honor (esteemed worthy, precious, of great price, and
especially dear) in all things” (Hebrews 13:4 AMP).
A good marriage does not just happen, no matter how
wildly in love you were when you got married. You have to be
creative. Learn what the Word says and practice it. There’s
nothing better than a really great marriage and nothing
worse than a bad one.
Discover how to grow blessings and happiness in your
marriage. Do this and you’ll bring great victories into your
home—greater than you could ever imagine.