How to Meet New People & Build

an Instant Connection

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Copyright © 2013 – A Roadmap To Relationships

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 Meeting New People

When building a healthy social circle in our lives, it’s important what
we have the ability to meet new people.

No matter how old you are, or where you are in your life, I believe
there are always benefits to being able to make new friends and
acquaintances.

You can meet new people virtually anywhere.

Popular places in your town or city may include at school, work, bars,
concerts, parties, malls, libraries, clubs, volunteer organizations, a
sports league, and other community events.

And now with the Internet and online meet-up sites, everyone has
the opportunity to find new people to meet and connect with.

Wherever there are people, there are opportunities to build new

connections.

And whether we are just taking a walk around the block, or buying
groceries, or going to a restaurant, we are likely to meet new people
and possibilities.

Of course, meeting people requires that we are willing to go out

of our comfort zone, check out new places, and be willing to try
new things. It doesn’t come naturally to many people to just spark

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conversations with random strangers.

However, we are ultimately a social species, and usually when people

spark a conversation with us, we tend to be open and accepting of
it.

This is especially truth if we aren’t in a rush somewhere or we have time

to kill. Talking to someone new is almost always better than being
bored. And unless someone is coming off aggressive or manipulative,
we usually don’t mind casual and harmless conversation.

With that in mind, I hope you consider meeting new people as a real
possibility in your everyday life. Sure, it may start off a bit awkward
or painful, but with time it can become something that is natural and
“automatic” for you.

And if you develop that impulse to meet new people whenever

possible, I guarantee your life will flourish in all areas.

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 Overcoming Approach Anxiety

Approach anxiety is a common phenomenon that occurs when we

want to initiate a conversation with a new person but don’t because
of fear or worry.

Often times these fears and worries stem from our belief system
and perspective. However, once we learn how to “reframe” these
situations – by looking at them from a new perspective – we can
better motivate ourselves to act in more life-enhancing ways.

It’s natural for many people to feel anxiety when first meeting
someone new: a girl at a bar, a potential employer, a friend of a
friend, or some stranger in public.

Sometimes it’s harder to approach someone or initiate a conversation

than it is to actually carry out the conversation once it has already
started.

This kind of social anxiety is known as approach anxiety. It occurs

whenever we want to meet someone new but are too worried or
afraid to do it. Often it comes from beliefs such as:

We think that we aren’t good enough or worthy of the person’s time.

We think that we will do something stupid and embarrass ourselves.

We think that we will be rejected as a person.

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We think about what other people will think of us.

These are some of the most common causes of approach anxiety,

but there are probably others too. I believe that we can learn to
better manage most anxieties by using a technique called reframing.

Reframing (also known as “cognitive restructuring”) is a popular

tool in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) where an individual
investigates their belief system and replaces unhelpful beliefs
with helpful ones. Here are some reframes I have found helpful for
managing approach anxiety:

Your presence is a gift

As I mentioned before, one of the key causes of approach anxiety

is that we feel like we aren’t worthy of someone’s attention. We
may find ourselves thinking or saying things like:

“Why should they want to talk to me?“

• “That person is way out of my league.”

• “I’m not good enough for that person to like me.”

We can begin to reframe these thought patterns by focusing more

on how we add value to our relationships. Then we can begin
thinking more along the lines of:

“Of course someone should want to hang out with me – I’m smart,
funny, and a loyal friend.”

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The key is to identify your strengths and positive attributes, then
recognize that you are a person that people should want to meet
and get to know better.

If you don’t believe you are a person worth getting to know, it’s going
to be tough for you to actively approach new people. But when
you believe you are a person worth knowing, you’ll feel more free
to initiate conversations. You believe that anytime you interact with
someone you are offering value to them: your time, your attention,
your energy, etc. So when a person rejects you, it’s their loss, not
yours.

This kind of reframe can help eliminate a lot of the baggage when
it comes to approaching new people. We often feel as though
we have to “prove ourselves,” and when we get rejected it hurts
because we feel like the person has denied us as a human being.
But if we have self-esteem and we understand the value we offer to
others, we realize that when a person “rejects us” they are the one’s
missing out.

Any failure is a learning experience

Let’s say we continuously try to meet new people and every one of
them turns us down. Maybe we have an incredibly poor track record
of job interviews or dates or public speeches, so we begin to believe
that deep-down we aren’t fit for success in these areas of our life.

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The truth is that no amount of failures can dictate how we succeed
in the future. In fact, failure is often times an integral part of success.
The best hitters in baseball bat only .300, that means they fail every
7 out of 10 times. Even as awesome baseball players and future hall-
of-famers – they need to face failure everyday.

Failure is not something that we can completely eliminate from our

lives because it is a part of our growth. When you begin to reframe
your failures as learning experiences, you see them as a good sign
– a sign that you are testing your boundaries and exploring new
territory.

I would be more concerned if I wasn’t failing, because that probably

means that my growth is coming to a halt and I’m not pushing myself
enough.

“If you want to increase your success rate, double your failure rate.”
- Thomas Watson

See the bigger picture

Rejection can be a really painful thing, but often it is only temporary.
Sure, in the moment that we embarrass ourselves, make a mistake,
or say something stupid, we may feel like we are in the pits of hell –
but as time passes these memories tend to have less power over us.

Imagine yourself 90 years old looking back on your little blunders

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while you were in high school or college. From this perspective, do
you really think these memories will still resonate with you the same
way they did back when they were actually happening? Probably
not.

And if we can maintain this “big picture” perspective, we often learn

how to put less emphasis on the little things. Because in the long-run,
most of it is just little things. When you look at the bigger picture,
do you really care that you got rejected at that job you wanted 40
years ago? Or that girl who slapped you at a bar during your first
date? Or that embarrassing first attempt at sex? Or that time you
farted during a business meeting?

Most people are too preoccupied with their own lives to really
remember all the times you messed up and embarrassed yourself.

Most of the time, there are just too many other things going on in
the world for people to focus on all your past mistakes. If you could
forget about these past mistakes as quick as your peers could, you’d
be in a much better position to put your best foot forward.

So remember to look at the bigger picture of these little events, and

often times you’ll find it a lot easier to move on. Usually, they aren’t
as big of a deal as we tend to make them out to be.

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Transform anxiety into motivation
“The amateur believes he must first overcome his fear ..the
professional knows that fear can never be overcome.” - Steven
Pressfield

As the Pressfield quote suggests, anxiety and fear never truly go

away. Even professional performers and athletes admit that they
experience a little anxiety every time before they step on a stage or
onto the field.

I believe the same is true whenever we meet someone new. There

is always a bit of social anxiety because we never quite know what a
person is going to be like or how they may respond to us.

I recently saw an interview with comedian Robin Williams about

how he gets incredibly silent and lethargic before he gets on stage.
That’s his body’s way of managing the fears that come with every
performance he does. Professionals don’t ever get rid of their fear,
they just find ways of managing it better than most people.

Similarly, there is a rule in the pick-up community called the “3

second rule.” The idea behind this rule is that the very moment we
start experiencing anxiety is a sign to approach now or never.

So instead of viewing anxiety as an inhibitor or a reason not to

approach, they view it as THE reason to approach. By doing this we
learn how to view anxiety as motivation, rather than something that
stops us in our tracks.

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There was actually a study done by a Harvard scientist that seems
to support this kind of reframing of anxiety. Students who were told
that “nervousness was a good thing” ended up performing better
on an academic exam rather than students who weren’t told this.

This suggests that by viewing our anxiety as a positive motivator we

may actually be able to turn it into one.

This is true because both anxiety and motivation are very biochemically
similar – both are based on the stress hormone cortisol. Take for
example, the thrill-seeking found when we ride a rollercoaster, watch
a scary movie, engage in a challenge, or celebrate the holidays.

These kinds of “positive stressors” have been coined eustress, and

endocrinologists like Hans Seyle believe that these are healthy stress
responses that aid our excitement and life satisfaction. It’s whenever
we face our fears simply for the “thrill” of it.

So can social anxiety and approach anxiety become a kind of eustress?

I believe they can. I believe that when we see these stressors as a
sign of motivation or thrill-seeking we are more likely to channel
that energy into something more enjoyable and productive.

So even though the response of approach anxiety is the same from a

biochemical standpoint, I think that how we interpret these feelings
of anxiety is ultimately what will affect our behavior and well-being.

Individuals who interpret their anxieties as motivation to approach

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a new person will be far more likely to act on these nervous feelings
than those who interpret their anxieties as a sign of fear or inhibition.

Remember, anxiety won’t ever go away completely, so it is up to us

to channel it in a way that benefits us more effectively.

Exposing yourself to anxiety

Often when trying new things we are exposing ourselves to stuff that
may be outside of our comfort zone. This can cause a lot of anxiety,
fear, and stress. Psychologists who specialize in behavior have a
technique called “gradual exposure” to help us better manage
our fears and anxieties in these situations and eventually overcome
them.

The technique works by first breaking up your new habit into a

hierarchy of smaller behaviors. For example, let’s say you are a very
shy person who wants to be more social. You can start by exposing
yourself to social situations that only elicit lower levels of anxiety,
and then work your way up to social situations that may elicit higher
levels of anxiety.

A hierarchy for a person trying to be more social may look something

like:

Low anxiety

• Talking to your mom.

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 • Talking to a best friend.

• Talking to a store clerk.

Medium anxiety

• Talking to your teacher.

• Talking to your boss.

High anxiety

• Talking to an attractive girl or guy that you want to date.

• Talking in front of a large group.

• Talking to a celebrity.

This is just a quick example. Your hierarchy is going to depend on

you and the behavior you want to change. Many psychologists have
used this technique to overcome fears and phobias that may inhibit
certain behaviors. By gradually exposing ourselves to these fearful
situations, we slowly become more comfortable in them. 


Exposing yourself to unpleasant situations can sometimes be a great

way to test your limits and improve yourself.

Psychology writer Susan Cain found that when introverts acted in

extroverted ways by initiating conversations with others – even if
it first made them feel uncomfortable or awkward – they ended up
thinking about themselves more positively once the event was over.

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This is because they took the initiative to do something that they
otherwise couldn’t imagine themselves doing. And even though
it was painful, they learned something new about themselves and
what they are capable of. 


This principle is true for many different aspects of our lives. Maybe
when you went on your first airplane you were scared and nervous
because you’ve never done it before. But usually as you start flying
more often, you begin to feel more safe and comfortable.

Exposing ourselves to new things (even when they can be temporarily

unpleasant) can be a really great way to familiarize ourselves with
new habits and thereby build more confidence in the long-term.

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 Building an Instant Connection

Here are the main principles to building an instant connection with

anyone. If you try to apply these more to your daily interactions,
then your conversation skills will improve dramatically.

Ask questions
Asking the other person questions is one of the best ways to really
learn more about them.

What are this person’s interests? What are their long-term goals?
What do they do for fun? What kind of movies and music do they
like? What was their life like growing up? What are their beliefs and
worldview?

There are a million and one questions we can ask a person to find
out more about them. Each one of these questions can be turned
into a full-blown conversation.

Now, don’t turn into a question-asking machine that can become

annoying. But if you are ever searching for something to talk about,
asking a question is a great way to keep the interaction flowing, all
while learning more about what your date is really about.

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Really listen and pay attention
To understand more about a person and really connect with them,
we must at least be willing to listen and pay attention to them.

For one night, give yourself a chance to get to know the other person
and see what makes them tick. Be interested. Be curious.

It may turn out that you don’t like them, but you can’t know for sure
until you listen to who they are as a person. Our undivided attention
is a prerequisite to any happy and meaningful connection.

Share something positive about yourself

Everyone has something positive about themselves.

And when first meeting someone new, you shouldn’t be hesitant to

share some of these positive things – such as your accomplishments
and successes stories, especially when they are relevant to the
conversation.

Don’t brag, but make it clear who you are and the types of things
you find important in life. People will appreciate your openness and
willingness to share yourself.

Also, when we share things about ourselves, other people are willing
to share things about themselves too. Just be sure to keep it an
equal exchange and not to turn it into a contest of who is better.

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Keep your cellphone in your pocket
While socializing, you shouldn’t make it a habit to look at your phone
too much. It’s often a sign of boredom or disinterest, and it distracts
you from fully connecting with the other person.

In fact, one recent study in the Journal of Social and Personal

Relationships found that even the mere presence of a phone in a room
during a conversation causes people to report worse relationship
quality, trust, and empathy with that person.

I’m sure we’ve all had experiences when we are trying to talk to
someone and they are texting on their phone or checking their
Facebook. Try your best to avoid being that person.

Have fun and don’t let anything ruin your mood

Social interactions should always be as fun and stress-free as

possible.

You should be light-hearted, fun, and easy going – with a sense of

enthusiasm and excitement for life.

Play games with people. Ask fun questions. Tell jokes when you
can. Share interesting stories. Flirt. Tease.

Whenever people are smiling or laughing it’s usually a good sign.

These actions release hormones in our brain, like endorphins and
dopamine, which heighten our mood and give us a natural “high”

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(see The Neuroscience of Laughter for more)

And if things don’t go as planned in your interaction, just shrug it

off and continue smiling and enjoying yourself. Don’t let little things
eat you up and cause you to ruin an otherwise good night.

Spill something on yourself? Laugh about it. Waiter is rude? Ignore

it. Someone is being a bummer? Crack a joke and get them out of
their shell.

Don’t let anything get under your skin. The more relaxed and light-
hearted you are, the smoother your social interactions will go, and
the easier it’ll be to have fun and connect with the other person in
a positive way.

Have a warm and playful touch

Touch has a very powerful impact on our relationships.

Harry Harlow’s famous studies in the 1960s showed that monkeys

often choose physical comfort over food when they have to – this
exemplifies the instinctual need for touch in our bonding and
relationships.

Humans are the same way. We crave touch so that we feel comfort,
trust, and connection with others. It’s one of our most basic needs.

So when first meeting someone, you can use the power of touch to
create a stronger bond with them.

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Simple things like hand shakes, high fives, quick hugs, holding hands,
and friendly “hits” on the arm can jump start an instant connection
with the other person.

Always be respectful
One rule to any interaction should be to always show respect. If
someone doesn’t want to do something, you shouldn’t pressure
them to do it if they aren’t comfortable.

And if you find someone reacts negatively to something you do or

say, then learn to back off or change the subject.

Everyone has different boundaries. And if we don’t want to offend

someone or turn them off, then we should be aware of those
boundaries and respect them.

We never want to make someone feel like they need to be something

they’re not in order for us to like them.

Start on a good note and end on a good note

Another good thing when interacting with others is to know how to
both start and end the interaction a positive note.

Our minds tend to put more importance on how an experience

starts and ends rather than the experience as a whole. This is why it
is important to have positive first and last impressions.

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When we end on a high note, we leave the person with a positive
memory to remember us by.

On the other hand, too much time with a person in one sitting can
spoil the moment.

Know when it’s time to leave. Don’t let the interaction drag on and
then end it when it goes dull. The quantity of time you spend with
someone isn’t as important as the quality of the time you spend with
them.

Follow up later saying you had a good time

Following up on our interactions is a great way to let the person
know that you had a great time and you want to continue your
relationship with them in the future.

This can apply to anything – following up on a job interview, a date,

a business appointment, a family reunion, a party, etc.

With dates especially, there are so many “rules” about when to get
back to a person after a first date, like “wait 2 days” or “wait a week.”
This is usually meant so that you don’t come off desperate or needy.

However, I say if you had a good time with the person, just send
them a quick text when you get home or when you wake up the next
morning.

It’s nothing fancy – you’re not looking to spark a lengthy conversation

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or anything – just say “Hey, I had a good time with you. We should
hang out again sometime.” and that’s that.

Keep it short and sincere, the other person will likely appreciate the
small gesture.

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 Conclusion

At the end of the day, you really just need to push yourself to meet
new people and expand your social circle.

It can be uncomfortable at first, but it’s worth it. The more experience
you get, the more familiar and easier it’ll be for you to initiate
interactions and have healthy conversations.

Honestly, don’t be afraid to talk to anyone for any reason.

Those five minute conversations? They really are worth it. People
aren’t scary and not everyone is going to try to murder you for asking
how their day was or for seeing if they are enjoying the weather.

Most people are just happy to be more social. And 99% of the
mistakes we are afraid of during our social interactions have no real
consequences whatsoever.

If someone seems disinterested or rejects you, don’t take it

personally. Maybe they are just busy, maybe they are having a bad
day, or maybe they just aren’t that friendly of a person to begin with.

The more people you meet, the more you’ll find some people
connect with you more than others.

We’re all different in our own way – with different values, beliefs,
goals, personalities, etc. – so it shouldn’t be unexpected that we

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won’t all mesh together perfectly.

The point is, whether you’re more of an introvert or an extrovert,

being able to socialize is an important aspect to enjoying life and
being truly happy. Make sure you go out and satisfy your social
needs – find people who you really connect with – and you’ll feel
better once you do.

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