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Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

Relationship Therapy

Theory and Practice


PART TWO

Life Stages
Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 1

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

General Introduction

This is one of a series of short notes that explore aspects of Relationships. Arguably,
relationships are one of the most important issues that face each of us throughout life.
We are , for the most part, conceived through the most intimate relationship between a
man and a woman. Our relationship with our mother is extremely important and we
continue to have relationships that heavily influence our personality, choices and life.
In another short paper we explored aspects of Buber’s theories of relationship. A short
resume now follows.

For Buber, relationships were holistic and involved all aspects of what it is to be human.
Buber explained this philosophy of relationship using the word pairs of I/ Thou and I /It.
With these pairs he outlines two modes of consciousness, encounter and being
through which an individual engages with other individuals, the world and with reality..
In other words, he suggests that we adopt two attitudes toward relating with the world and
with others, either as I/Thou (I/You) or I/It.

The I/Thou mode is a way of relating that is subject-to-subject, where we are aware of
each other in an holistic manner without the concept of ‘false’ boundaries. To put it
another way, in the I/Thou relationship we do not perceive each other as consisting of
defined and separated persons with different parts or qualities, but we engage in a
dialogue involving each other's whole being – Body- Psyche and Spirit. However, in the
I/It relationship we engage at the subject-to-object level. At this level we do perceive
each other as consisting of defined and separated parts and thus view ourselves, and
others, as part of a world which consists of ‘ things’ with distinct boundaries. Therefore,
whilst the I/Thou is a relationship of mutuality and reciprocity, the I-It is one of
separateness and detachment. Throughout life we struggle with these two modes and
this struggle is fuelled by the tensions between our often conflicting needs for intimacy,
independence and identity.

In this second note of this series we look at some aspects of


Life Stages

NOTE
This notes are complemented by a series of practical
exercises presentations ( not based on the Authors 18 years
experience as a Relationship Therapist.

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 2

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

LIFE STAGES
Patterns – Tasks - Experiences

INTRODUCTION
Very often people report difficulties and stresses at important stages in their lives In most
societies we progress through a series of stages or periods which often carry with them
expectations and related tasks. Each of these stages can provide us with challenges that
test our inner and outer resources and demand good problem solving attributes. Several
of these important stages involve sexuality, intimacy and relationships ans and these
involve families and couples.

A theory proposed by Erikson ( 995) accepts and integrates the above points and
supports the concept of a Life – Stages Model of therapy. Erikson , building on earlier
psychodynamic developmental models, introduced a social and psycho - dynamic
element into his ‘ Eight Ages of Man ‘ model. This brief note will examine some of these
concepts and relate them to relationship counselling.

Life Stages – Erikson’s Eight Stages


As previously stated, Erikson outlined eight important developmental stages. He outlined
the following points concerning these stages :

• The process of development does not cease after childhood, but is continuous
throughout life.

• Each stage has its own unique conflict to resolve.

• Successful resolution of the conflict is the task of that stage

• A successful outcome in a stage gives us a lasting strength which is then


taken on to other stages and succeeding cycles .

• Failure to resolve a conflict in any stage may result in us having to revisit these at
a further stage in life. This is particularly true when stresses and strains appear in
our life. Examples of common stresses are, sexual intimacy, entering an intimate
relationship, having children and our parents getting old and infirm.

We now need to look at Erikson’s stages and their attendant conflict(s), tasks and
strengths

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 3

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

Erikson’s Eight Stages The following table outlines aspects of Erikson’s eight stages.
The task of each stage is to resolve or balance a specific conflict and a successful
outcome results in the acquisition of a strength. Failure to successfully negotiate a stage
can lead to us being faced with this in later life.

STAGE BALANCING CONFLICT SUCCESSFUL


( Managing ) OUTCOME
( Strengths )
1. Babyhood TRUST V MISTRUST Drive & Hope
( Oral Sensory) (Anxiety)

2. Toddler AUTONOMY V SHAME Self -Control & Willpower


( Muscular Anal) ( Doubt & Frustration)

3. Pre-School INITIATIVE V GUILT Direction & Purpose


Locomotor/Genital ( Learning Values )

4. Early School INDUSTRY V INFERIORITY Competence & Method


( Latency ) ( Independence and work )

5. Adolescence IDENTITY V ROLE CONFUSION Devotion & Fidelity


( and Puberty ) ( Balance Creativity & Self -
Absorption )
6. Adult INTIMACY V ISOLATION Affiliation & Love
( Young ) ( Sharing dependency in
Relationships )
7. Adult GENERATIVITY V STAGNATION Production & Care
( Mid- Life ) ( The Balance between Others
& Self )
8. Maturity EGO INTEGRITY V DESPAIR Renunciation & Wisdom
( Later Life ) ( Achievements &
Disappointments of life )

THE EIGHT STAGES – CONFLICTS – TASKS – STRENGTHS

The above stages are common experiences and unsuccessful resolutions ‘shadow’ us
throughout our lives. Life Stages theory suggests that when either a crisis occurs or
some great change in our lives , then this can ‘trigger off’ unresolved issues. This is
particularly true in close relationships, where the same event can trigger quite different
crisis in both parties and this can make the task of the counsellor more difficult. We will
now look at how relationship counselling adapts the above stage to individual – parental
and couple roles.

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 4

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

Life Stages and the Couple Relationship

The useful thing about Life Stages is that it offers an alternative rationale to the difficulties
of couples and how these difficulties affect the relationship. This is because as couples
negotiate their ‘crisis’ through different stages , they are also affected by the life stage
changes of both their parents and children. This gives rise to the following potential crisis.

PARENTAL ASPECTS.

• There is a loss of identity which parenthood can bring as couples devote


themselves to caring for their children. Thus they can ‘lose’ their role as
lovers as they over-focus on their role as parents.

E.G. 1. A couple have been happy together for many years and their sexual
intimacy has been very good. Then a child arrives and, as expected, the
mother now focuses totally on the child and the father feels ‘pushed out’.
Thus the relationship enters a state of crisis.

E.G. 2 As above but now both parents become totally absorbed by the child
or children. Their whole life revolves around the children’s needs to the
exclusion of their own and of the needs of the relationship.

• As their children grow up , parents are, by proxy, constantly re-visiting


earlier life stages. These involve all the developmental crisis and can ‘ring
bells’.

E.G. An example of this could be that a mother had an unfortunate, or


even abusive, first experience of sex when she was 13years old. Now, as her
daughter enters puberty , the mother begins to act out of character and
either become over protective or , if she herself had been abused, re-enters
her trauma and/or finds sex difficult.

• Children growing up and leaving home lead to loss and its consequential
crisis and the need to re-negotiate themselves as a couple. This is often
referred to as ‘The empty nest syndrome’

• Then there is the crisis of adapting to the role of grandparent. This can be
difficult for some as it begins to remind people of their growing mortality.

• Many of the above can often happen as couples enter their mid-life – with its
attendant developmental crisis. This compounds one crisis with one or more
others.

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© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

COUPLE RELATIONSHIP ASPECTS

• Virtually all of the crisis points outlined in the previous page have an impact of both
family and couple relationships. In addition, couples also face several other crisis.
These are:

• Couples also face the advancing aging of their own parents.

As parents enter old age, it can lead to a role reversal. The child , who is now also and
adult and probably a parent themselves, has to assume the role of parent to their own
parent. This is difficult for both of them but can also impact on their own relationship.

• As their own old age advances, couples have to make further adjustments –
change in sex life, accepting their own mortality , with its consequences of
dependency and loss.

• Preparing for their own retirement – which can seriously affect the
relationship. This is because, previously they had their own roles in life and
spend some time apart. Now, in retirement, they have to re-negotiate their
relationship and the increasing amount of time they spend together.

• The crisis of accepting mutual dependency and the death of a partner.


This crisis comes for all couples and can be particularly more difficult for
males.

Comments on Crisis. The advent of some or all of the crisis outlined can give rise to
difficulties within the relationship. This occurs as it awakens memories or echoes of
previous stages in life. This is particularly true for parents who so often ‘mirror’ the crisis
and challenges of their children as they enter developmental stages. Very often the
problem is compounded by one or more of the following.

• A tendency to withdraw from life and the situation.

• Attempts to repeatedly ‘solve’ the crisis with previously unsuccessful


solutions and a repetition of responses based on their own family system,
with its attendant value system

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 6

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages
Counselling Theory and Practice:- RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

FINAL THOUGHTS

These notes are based on the assumption that most couples are entering their own mid-
life stage as their children are entering early adulthood. Erikson’s eight stages provides
an alternative to other psychodynamic models, which stress the link between current
problems and childhood. Erikson links crisis to developmental stages and for many
people this , on the surface, makes sense and provides a starting point for therapy and
possible and potential change.

Counsellors who wish to use this model need to be aware of the following clues and
possible strategies.

• A triggering cause such as – children and their development stages, mid-life


crisis, onset of old age , death of parent(s) etc.

• Some shared difficulties in both the couples past – e.g. both lost parent
while young.

• Regression to earlier stage - often seen in ‘mid-life crisis’

• Adopt strategies which assist couple to focus on earlier stages and their
development crisis

• Compare their responses to the stages and how each adapted and managed
the developmental tasks

• Assist clients to face the anxieties aroused by the changes.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Erikson E ( 1995) Childhood and Society Penguin


Jacobs, M ( 1998) Psychodynamic Counselling in Action SAGE
Nelson-Jones,R ( 1982) The Theory & Practice of Counselling Psychology Cassell

Heartsease Training, Shifnal Shropshire email : - petercreagh43@virginmedia.com 7

© 2010 - Peter Creagh, Trainer, Supervisor and BACP Registered Counsellor UKRC
Life Stages

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