COLLABORATIVE EFFORT
WRITING EFFECTIVE SENTENCES
Members: Tee, Ray Angelo V. ; Valencia, Ifame
Section: ENG13/B11
Note: Pay close attention to what you are being asked
to do in each exercise, and do only as much revising as
is necessary. Take special care to preserve the
meaning of the original material. If necessary, invent
reasonable details.
A. Reinforce the meaning of the sentence by
rearranging the words to increase readability and
usability.
1. The causes of burnout can be studied from three
perspectives: physiological- the roles of sleep, diet, and
physical fatigue; psychological the roles of guilt, fear,
jealousy, and frustration; environmental the role of
physical surroundings at home and at work.
~ The causes of burnout can be studied from three
perspectives:
physiological - the roles of sleep, diet, and
physical fatigue
psychological the roles of guilt, fear,
jealousy, and frustration
environmental the role of physical
surroundings at home and at work.
B. Rewrite each of the following sentences to
eliminate ambiguous pronoun references.
2. Jose Dela Cruz is in charge of organizing the first
quarter frosh orientation session, which is expected to
last five days.
~ The first quarter frosh orientation session will be
organized by Jose Dela Cruz in the last 5 days.
3. Basketball and the volleyball are the most popular
sports at the university. They posted revenues of 1
million pesos last year from ticket sales.
~ The most popular sports at the university,
basketball and volleyball, posted revenues of 1 million
pesos last year from ticket sales.
Date: 10/26/17
C. Technical writing, by definition, should be
objective and impersonal. Revise the sentence to
improve the tone.
4. The development operation would have been
completed as scheduled if we had mutual aid from the
administration.
~ The development operation needs the mutual aid
from the administration to be completed as
scheduled.
5. This correspondence is to notify that your team must
attend the upcoming mandatory training.
~ Your team must attend the upcoming mandatory
training.
D. The following sentences might be too long for
some readers. Break each sentence into two or more
sentences.
6. If we get the contract, we must be ready by February
1 with the necessary personnel and equipment, so with
this in mind a staff meeting, which all group managers
are expected to attend, is scheduled for February 12.
~ We must be ready with the necessary personnel and
equipment by February 1 if we get the contract.
All group managers are expected to attend a staff
meeting on February 12.
7. Although we had a frank discussion with Bartolomes
legal staff, we were unable to get them to specify what
they would be looking for in an out-of-court settlement,
but they gave us a strong impression that they would
rather settle out of court.
~ We were unable to get Bartolomes legal staff to
specify what they would be looking for in an out-of-
court settlement although we had a frank discussion
with them.
They gave us a strong impression that they would
rather settle out of court.
E. The following examples contain overly short or
abrupt sentences. Combine the sentences to create a
smoother style.
8. I need a figure on the surrender value of a policy. The
number of the policy is A4399827. Can you get me this
figure by tomorrow?
~ Can you get me a figure on the surrender value of
policy A4399827 by tomorrow?
9. The supervisor is responsible for processing the
outgoing mail He is also responsible for maintaining and
operating the equipment.
~ The supervisor is responsible for processing the
outgoing mail and for maintaining and operating the
equipment.
F. Revise the following sentences by replacing the
vague elements with specific information. Make up
any reasonable details.
10. The chemical spill in the lab caused extensive
damage.
~ The chemical spill in the lab caused extensive
damage to the reagent storage room and media
preparation area.
11. Analysis of the soil beneath the new gymnasium
revealed an interesting fact.
~ Analysis of the soil beneath the new gymnasium
revealed that the site is prone to landslide.
12. The results wont be available for a while.
~ The results will not be available for 2 hours.
G. Revise the following sentences to remove
unnecessary jargon.
13. We need to be prepared for blowback from the
announcement.
~ We need to be prepared for the terrorist attack from
the announcement.
2
14. Police apprehended the perpetrator and placed her
under arrest directly adjacent to the scene of the
incident
~ Police arrested the criminal and placed her under
arrest directly adjacent to the crime scene.
H. In this exercise, look to fatty or unfamiliar phrases.
Revise the sentences using simpler, shorter, more
direct expressions --- but dont change the basic
meaning of the sentence.
15. Some managers are of the opinion that employees
should not use computers in order to view
entertainment sites on the Internet while in an
employment setting.
~ Some managers say that employees shouldnt use
the Internet for entertainment purposes at work.
16. We are in a position to resupply you with widgets in
the event that your existing supply becomes exhausted.
~ We can resupply you with widgets if you dont have
enough in stock.
I. Revise the following sentences to remove
meaningless filler.
17. For all intents and purposes, our companys long-
term success depends to a certain degree on various
factors that are in general difficult to foresee.
~ Our companys long-term success depends on
factors that are difficult to foresee.
18. The presentation was generally well received for the
most part, despite the fact that we received a rather
small number of questionnaire responses.
~ The presentation was well received, despite
receiving small number of questionnaire responses.
J. Revise the following sentences to remove the
redundancies.
19. In grateful appreciation of your patronage, we are
pleased to offer you this free gift as a small token
gesture of our gratitude.
~ In appreciation of your patronage, we are pleased to
offer you this gift.
20. An anticipated major breakthrough in storage
technology will allow us to proceed ahead in the
continuing evolution of our products.
~ An anticipated breakthrough in storage technology
will allow us to proceed in the evolution of our
products.
K. Revise the following sentences to eliminate fancy
words.
21. This state-of-the-art soda-dispensing module is to
be utilized by Marketing Department personnel.
~ The soda-dispensing module is to be utilized by
Marketing Department personnel.
L. Revise the following sentences to eliminate
euphemisms.
23. Downsizing our workforce will enable our division to
achieve a more favorable cash-flow profile.
~ Downsizing our workforce will enable our division to
achieve more income.
24. Of course, accident statistics can be expected to
show a moderate increase in response to a streamlining
of the training schedule.
~ Accident statistics can be expected to show a
moderate increase in response to a streamlining of
the training schedule.

22. We have failed to furnish the proposal to the proper M. Trim the prose by providing their shorter and
agency by the mandated date by which such proposals crisper equivalents.
must be in receipt.
25. during the same time that -while
~ We have failed to furnish the proposal to the proper 26. has the tendency to break - fragile
agency by the mandated date. 27. in possession of -has/have
28. in the near future -soon
29. located in the vicinity -near
30. subsequent to the start of -after