Christian Counseling That Really Works

CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT
REALLY WORKS
Compass Therapy in Action
By
Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

Copyright 2006 by Dan Montgomery.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval sys-

tem, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, me-
chanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior
written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief
quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
To order: www.compasstherapy.com
The Compass TherapySM Approach and the Self CompassSM

Growth Tool are service marks of Dan and Kate Montgomery
Cover design: David Gagne. Photo Credit: Dale ODell.

Editing: Woodeene Koenig-Bricker.
ISBN: 978-1-4116-8753-0
Printed in the United States of America
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations in this publication are

from the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible. Copyright @
1989 by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council
of Churches of Christ in the United States of America.
Published by
Compass Works
9524 Vista Casitas Dr. NW
Albuquerque, NM 87114
505-922-1029
Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
Montgomery, Dan.
Christian Counseling That Really Works/Dan Montgomery.
p. cm. Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN: 978-1-4116-8753-0
1. Christian counseling. 2. Pastoral Counseling. 3. Counseling
techniques. 4. Jesus ChristPsychology. 5. Psychotherapy.
COMMENDATIONS
CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT REALLY WORKS
YALE DIVINITY SCHOOL
Veteran counselor Dan Montgomery has given us a breezy,

fast-reading manual that takes the mystery out of the help-
ing work of the action-oriented counselor. His wisdom opens
windows with helpful metaphorslike a torn-up Kleenex and
a purple rhinoceros.
Rev. Gaylord Noyce, Professor Emeritus of the Application
of Pastoral Theology
PRINCETON THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
This book makes a very important contribution to Christian

counseling and how the Christian faith and psychology can
work together to bring healing into persons lives. The case
studies are excellent. Montgomery uses a wide range of tech-
niques including role-play and imaging, which are helpful
and empowering to the client.
Rev. Abigail R. Evans, Ph.D., L.H.D., Professor of Practi-
cal Theology and Academic Coordinator of Field Education
FULLER THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
Compass Therapy offers both clinical and pastoral counsel-

ors a map, guide, and center for helping clients sorts out life
and choose direction. Dan Montgomery has pulled together
many years of study, writing and practice with an estab-
lished model of personality and interpersonal behavior. He
provides a workable set of tools for the care-giving and help-
ing process.
David W. Augsburger, Ph.D., Professor of Pastoral Care
and Counseling
DENVER SEMINARY
Dr. Montgomery has given his readers the opportunity to

look over his experienced shoulders as he helps people un-
tangle their lives. He skillfully uses a relational compass to
help clients identify how their lives are constricted in un-
healthy ways and how they can move toward more expansive
forms of mental health. The author gives us examples and
explanations of 25 useful therapeutic techniques that alone
are worth the price of the book.
James R. Beck, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist and Chair,
Counseling Division
DALLAS THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
Through the Compass Model framework and the many

techniques Dan Montgomery utilizes you see examples of
Christs love coming alive in the counseling session. I appre-
ciate his many insights and focus on healing the whole per-
sonbody, mind, emotions and spirit. This is what good
Christian counseling looks like!
Linda Marten, Ph.D., Department of Biblical Counseling
GORDON-CONWELL THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY
Compass Therapy is easy to learn and apply. Examples of

how to use compass theory abound in the book. The book is
especially helpful to those who are experienced in counseling,
but all therapists and pastors who want to deepen their
counseling skills will find it valuable.
Kenneth Swetland, D.Min., Campus Chaplain & Professor
of Ministry; author, Facing Messy Stuff In The Church.
PASTOR AND COUNSELOR
This book is a must read for any counselor who practices

within the realm of a spiritual background. I have known Dr.
Montgomery for over 30 years and have benefited from his
writings and supervision. This book synthesizes his philoso-
phy and his practice. It is readable and user friendly, and will
be worth reading and rereading for years to come.
Rev. Bernardo Monserrat, Santa Fe, NM; author, Faith It
'Til You Make It.
LICENSED PSYCHOLOGIST
Compass Therapy is an impressive addition to the field of

counseling and psychotherapy. The Self Compass and the
myriad practical techniques enrich therapeutic sessions and
empower treatment strategies. Clients find these concepts
user-friendly and relevant to daily life.
Joseph VanDenHeuvel, Ph.D., Albuquerque, NM
LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST
Compass Therapy is insightful and practical, providing valu-

able tools for assessing strengths and weaknesses within an
individuals personality structure. The Self Compass promotes
balance and wholeness in the therapeutic journey. I highly rec-
ommend this book as essential reading for experienced psycho-
therapists and counselors, as well as students and interns.
Carol D. Lee, LMFT, San Carlos, CA
DIPLOMATE IN CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGY
In my forty-five years of work as a psychologist, I rate Dr.

Dan Montgomery in the top 1% of professionals I have known
in the mental health field. Dan is a brilliant theorist in the
field of counseling and therapy.
Everett L. Shostrom, Ph.D., Distinguished Professor of
Psychology
REGENT COLLEGE
Dan Montgomerys Christian personality theory is innova-

tive and biblically sound.
Gordon D. Fee, Ph.D., Professor Emeritus of New Testa-
ment Studies
TABLE OF CONTENTS
1 THE COMPASS MODEL .................................................................................... 1
COMPASS THEORY .................................................................................................. 3

THE SELF COMPASS ................................................................................................ 5
THE SELF COMPASS AND CHRISTS PERSONALITY.................................................. 6
FREED FOR GROWTH TOWARD WHOLENESS ........................................................... 8
THE COMPASS VIRTUES .......................................................................................... 9
A UNIFIED FIELD THEORY OF HUMAN GROWTH AND FULFILLMENT ...................... 10
2 A COMPASS FOR REDEMPTIVE HOPE ...................................................... 11
A COMPASS FOR REDEMPTIVE HOPE .................................................................... 14

DEPENDENCY........................................................................................................ 16
AGGRESSION ......................................................................................................... 17
WITHDRAWAL ...................................................................................................... 18
CONTROLLING ...................................................................................................... 19
FROM TRENDS TO TRANSFORMATION ................................................................... 21
3 TRANSFORMING THE DEPENDENT TREND ............................................ 23
THE POSITIVES OF THE DEPENDENT TREND .......................................................... 24

FROM APPEASEMENT TO ASSERTION .................................................................... 24
TIPS FOR COUNSELING DEPENDENTS .................................................................... 29
THE RIGHT TO SAY YES OR NO ..................................................................... 31
4 DISARMING AN AGGRESSIVE COUNSELEE ............................................ 35
SUGGESTIONS FOR COUNSELING THE AGGRESSIVE TREND ................................... 35

RELAXING UNDER FIRE ........................................................................................ 37
CO-CREATING A COMPASS SKETCH ..................................................................... 41
5 THAWING OUT THE FROZEN PERSON...................................................... 47
GOODBYE, PEACHES.......................................................................................... 48
HEALING A LIFELONG DEPRESSION ...................................................................... 53
BUILDING A DEVELOPMENTAL BRIDGE ................................................................ 55
6 LIBERATION FROM THE CURSE OF PERFECTION ............................... 59
AWAKENING THE CONTROLLERS WHOLE HUMAN NATURE ................................ 60

THE MYSTERIOUS HEADACHES ............................................................................ 61
7 THE ACTUALIZING ASCENT ........................................................................ 71
8 ANATOMY OF A COUNSELING SESSION................................................... 75
WARMING UP ....................................................................................................... 76
ACTION................................................................................................................. 79
CLOSURE .............................................................................................................. 81
THE COURSE OF COUNSELING .............................................................................. 83
9 A COUNSELEES IMAGE OF GOD ................................................................ 85
A CRITICAL AND CANTANKEROUS GOD ............................................................... 86

A PUSHY AND INVASIVE GOD ............................................................................... 89
A GOD WHO DOESNT KNOW ABOUT SEX ........................................................... 91
10 THE VALUE OF METAPHORS ..................................................................... 97
FROM ELECTRONS TO EMOTIONS .......................................................................... 97

NEGOTIATING A TRIAL COUNSELING EFFORT ..................................................... 100
FROM METHAMPHETAMINE TO MATH ................................................................ 102
THE FLOWER KITTENS ........................................................................................ 104
11 PHYSICAL SYMBOLIZATION ................................................................... 107
THE ART BOX ..................................................................................................... 109

THE LEAN-AGAINST-THE-WALL TECHNIQUE...................................................... 115
12 CASE STUDY OF A TEENAGER ON DRUGS........................................... 119
CONDITIONAL ALIGNMENT ................................................................................. 120

COLLABORATIVE IMPLANTATION ....................................................................... 123
BEHAVIORAL PREDICTION AND CONGRATULATORY AFFIRMATION ................... 126
GRANDMAS RULE .............................................................................................. 130
13 A PARTING WORD ....................................................................................... 135
APPENDIX I COMMENTARY ON TWENTY-FIVE TECHNIQUES .......... 137
HOW TO INITIATE A TECHNIQUE ......................................................................... 138

1) THE KLEENEX TECHNIQUE (CHAPTER 3, PP. 31-34)........................................ 140
2) SOCRATIC PROBING (CHAPTER 4; PP. 38-40) .................................................. 141
3) COMPASS SKETCHING (CHAPTER 4; PP. 41-43) ............................................ 142
4) COUNSELOR SELF-DISCLOSURE (CHAPTER 4; P. 42) ....................................... 144
5) POSITIVE SELF-FULFILLING PROPHECY (CHAPTER 4; P. 44)............................ 146
6) MIRRORING (CHAPTER 4; PP. 45-46)............................................................... 147
7) TIME SHUTTLING (CHAPTER 5; PP. 49-53) ...................................................... 148
8) EMOTIONAL MODULATION (CHAPTER 5; PP. 51-53) ....................................... 150
9) BEHAVIORAL REHEARSAL (CHAPTER 6; PP. 63-67) ........................................ 154
10) INTERPRETATION (CHAPTER 6; PP. 65-66) .................................................... 156
11) MUSCLE MELTING (CHAPTER 6; PP. 66-67) .................................................. 157
12) PEER MENTORING (CHAPTER 9; PP. 86-87)................................................... 159
13) PROJECTIVE ANALYSIS (CHAPTER 9; PP. 87-88) ........................................... 160
14) ABBREVIATED WORD ASSOCIATION (CHAPTER 9; PP. 92-93)....................... 161
15) NORMALIZATION (CHAPTER 9; PP. 93-94) .................................................... 162
16) THE PURPLE RHINOCEROS TECHNIQUE (CHAPTER 9; PP. 93-94)................... 162
17) METAPHOR CONSTRUCTION (CHAPTER 10; PP. 97-105)................................ 163
18) PHYSICAL SYMBOLIZATION (CHAPTER 11; PP. 107-118) .............................. 164
19) TOWELING TWISTING (CHAPTER 11; PP. 113-114)........................................ 165
20) THE LEAN-AGAINST-THE-WALL TECHNIQUE (CHAPTER 11; PP. 115-118) ... 166
21) CONDITIONAL ALIGNMENT (CHAPTER 12; PP. 121-122) ............................... 167
22) COLLABORATIVE IMPLANTATION (CHAPTER 12; PP. 123-126)...................... 170
23) BEHAVIORAL PREDICTION (CHAPTER 12; PP. 127-129) ................................ 172
24) CONGRATULATORY AFFIRMATION (CHAPTER 12; PP. 127-130).................... 175
25) GRANDMAS RULE (CHAPTER 12; PP. 130-133) ............................................ 176
APPENDIX II CHARTING A COUNSELEES SELF COMPASS................. 179
SELF COMPASS INVENTORY ................................................................................ 180

DEPENDENT TREND ............................................................................................ 181
AGGRESSIVE TREND ........................................................................................... 182
WITHDRAWN TREND........................................................................................... 183
CONTROLLING TREND ........................................................................................ 184
HOW TO GRAPH AND INTERPRET SELF COMPASS TRENDS .................................. 186
ENDNOTES .......................................................................................................... 189
INDEX ................................................................................................................... 193

1
THE COMPASS MODEL
The Compass TherapySM approach integrates a model of

counseling and therapy with Christian orthodoxy. I pray that
it enhances your counseling practice.
I think of the years in which I studied or received supervi-
sion in different approaches to counseling and therapy. Psy-
choanalytic. Psychodrama. Existential. Gestalt. Transac-
tional analysis. Family systems. Cognitive-behavioral. I read
theory and learned techniques, while searching scripture and
praying for a viable integration with my Christian beliefs.
Some theories and techniques enriched my way of under-
standing and helping others. Others didnt. I kept what
worked, and what proved compatible with Christian ortho-
doxy.
For instance, while I found aspects of Freuds theory of
value, I had to leave other parts behind. The belief in the un-
conscious as a dark and pervasive instinctual force contra-
dicted my experience of peoples resiliency and resourceful-
ness in the counseling processnot to mention the ingenious
ways I sensed the Holy Spirit helping people rebound from
terrible pain or loss.
Gradually, I evolved the bedrock assumption of this book:
the positive gains of good counseling are an amalgamation of
therapeutic principles empowered by Christs healing love.
Ultimately, therapeutic psychology and the Lord work to-
1
gether in the counseling process, whether or not there are

overt references to Christianity. The Holy Spirit blesses peo-
ple who humble themselves in seeking a greater wholeness.
Takeaways from this book include:
The Self CompassSM growth tool, a central model

that applies directly to clinical and pastoral
counseling, as well as describing Christs own
personality dynamics.
A quick way for evaluating a counselees per-
sonal functioning and mapping out an effective
growth strategy for either brief counseling or
long-term psychotherapy.
A presentation of twenty-five counseling tech-
niques that include: 1) the Kleenex technique; 2)
Socratic probing; 3) compass sketching; 4) coun-
selor self-disclosure; 5) positive self-fulfilling
prophecy; 6) mirroring; 7) time shuttling; 8)
emotional modulation; 9) behavioral rehearsal;
10) interpretation; 11) muscle melting; 12) peer
mentoring; 13) projective analysis; 14) abbrevi-
ated word association; 15) normalization; 16)
the purple rhinoceros technique; 17) metaphor
construction; 18) physical symbolization; 19)
towel twisting; 20) the lean-against-the-wall
technique; 21) conditional alignment; 22) col-
laborative implantation; 23) behavioral predic-
tion; 24) congratulatory affirmation; and 25)
Grandmas rule.
Let me share how the book is organized so you can use it

to best advantage. The first several chapters provide an over-
view of Compass Therapy and the Self Compass. Since the
compass approach encourages the use of action techniques
that stimulate counselee growth, case histories will demon-
2
THE COMPASS MODEL
strate various techniques just as they might occur in a coun-

seling session. This will give you a tentative glimpse of the
technique-in-action. For more information about each tech-
nique, flip to Appendix I: Commentary on Twenty-Five
Techniques. This compendium covers every technique, reca-
pitulating the sequence in which they appear in the book.
Appendix II, titled Charting A Counselees Self Com-
pass, provides you with a Self Compass assessment for use
as a consciousness-raising tool with your counselees.
Now lets take a look at how crucial concepts of compass
theory were developed.
Compass Theory
The theoretical underpinnings of the compass model de-

rive from research at the Institute of Personality Assessment
in Berkeley. 1 The factor analysis of personality traits in a
sample of over five thousand cases revealed that two polari-
ties form the core of personality. My colleague Everett Shos-
trom and I labeled these two polarities love/assertion and
weakness/strength.2
Within the context of compass theory, the compass
pointsLove and Assertion, and Weakness and Strength
form the warp and woof of human selfhood. By taking the
first letter of each compass point, you can refer to these as
the LAWS of personality and relationships. As you will soon
see, these reference points can help you discriminate between
healthy and maladaptive behavior, whether in personality or
relationships.
Personality research symbolizing the self as a circle di-
vided into four quadrants began over seventy-five years ago.
Since then, researchers have variously referred to this model
as the mandala,3 the actualizing model, 4 the interpersonal
circle, 5 or the circumplex model. 6 I have coined the term Self
Compass because the model resembles a physical compass
and because the compass metaphor is readily understood by
people of every culture. 7
3
Assertion Strength
Weakness Love
The Self Compass
The circle represents the boundary that separates every

person from the world and denotes ones unique identity. The
quadrants represent dynamics at work within each person.
The Self Compass supports a health-oriented psychology,
while simultaneously accounting for most of the personality
disorders found in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of
Mental Disorders. My wife Kate and I explore these disorders
in the context of healing and transformation in Compass Psy-
chotheology: Where Psychology and Theology Really Meet.8
Compass Therapy, then, obtains its name from the as-
sumption that the compass-like integration of complemen-
tary opposites contributes to psychological and spiritual
wholeness. Over eight hundred studies in clinical, educa-
tional, and religious settings have corroborated the growth
psychology that undergirds Compass Therapy.9 Raymond
Corsini, considered by many as the dean of American coun-
4
THE COMPASS MODEL
seling and psychotherapy, has called my approach to counsel-

ing the therapeutic system of the future.10
The Self Compass
Within the LAWS of personality, it is essential to note

that love isnt better than assertion, and strength isnt better
than weakness. Healthy people express both tender care and
diplomatic assertion. They are competent and strong, yet
humbly aware of their weaknesses. In short, well-balanced
individuals maintain free and rhythmic access to all four
poles of the Self Compass.
Love is the glue that connects people together by way of
interest, affiliation, and gentleness. The love compass point
is shorthand for the thoughts, feelings, and sensations that
reflect a persons caring. Kindness. Thoughtfulness. Consid-
eration. Forgiveness. Goodness. Tenderness. Compassion.
Fondness. Faithfulness. Fellowship. Friendship. Sacrifice.
These experiences are woven together in one word: love. In
the development of healthy personality and relationships,
Christ gave priority to loving ones self, others, and God.
But no one remains loving all the time, nor is it healthy to
do so. While love lets you stand with-and-for others, assertion
is required to stand over-and-against others, so as not to lose
yourself in pleasing them.
Assertion imparts the courage to express ones point of
view, challenge unfairness, and resist exploitation or ma-
nipulation. Diplomatic assertion preserves individual differ-
ences and brings the adult coping skills of negotiation for
ones reasonable rights. Self-expression. Confrontation. Dis-
agreement. Disputation. Argumentation. Individuation. All
people experience bouts of anger or discontent, when their
interests rub against the wishes of others. Compass theory
suggests that assertion be expressed in tandem with caring,
so that diplomacy can raise the probability of successful con-
flict resolution.
5
Weakness reflects the human experience of uncertainty,

vulnerability, and soul-searching. The Self Compass offers a
novel understanding of weakness, suggesting that this com-
pass point helps people develop humility and empathy for
others. Nonetheless, the experience of weakness is usually
painful. Grief. Disappointment. Anxiety. Depression. Identity
confusion. Frustration. Emptiness. Guilt. Suffering. Alien-
ation. Self-doubt. Hopelessness. Helplessness.
Many of Davids Psalms and Pauls epistles were written
from the weakness compass point, in response to various cri-
ses. By admitting distressful inner states into consciousness
and daring to communicate them to others and to God, peo-
ple are strengthened. And through the sense of humble
strength, their empathy for others who are suffering is deep-
ened.
Strength reflects the human need for competence, ade-
quacy, and social visibility. As little children, there is a de-
velopmental need to show off ones emerging strengths to
ones parents. Mom, look at me! This mirroring of ones
strength helps to build rudimentary self-esteem, the inner
conviction that ones existence matters.
Achievement. Drive. Zest. Enthusiasm. Vision. Dedica-
tion. Wholeheartedness. Discipline. Perseverance. Capability.
Dignity. These contributions of strength enhance ones confi-
dence and creativity as a worthwhile human being. Take
them away and a person feels bereft of an identity.
The Self Compass and Christs Personality
A superb example for understanding the dynamics of bal-

anced human behavior is Jesus Christ. He expressed himself
rhythmically on each of the compass points, without getting
stranded on any of them.
On the love compass point, Jesus established intimate
friendships with Peter, James, John, Mary, Martha, and
Lazarus. In loving service he taught the disciples, and healed
6
THE COMPASS MODEL
and fed the multitudes. He tenderly cuddled little children

who sometimes made their way to him. He forgave the very
ones who arranged his death. As the Risen Christ, he has
mercy on all who confess their sins. The Good Shepherd is
Christs name that derives from the love compass point.
On the other hand, Christ expressed assertion when he
negotiated for the life and freedom of the woman accused of
adultery, debated the scribes and Pharisees, rebuked the dis-
ciples for their self-seeking and in-house squabbling, drove
the moneychangers from the Temple, and took the risks re-
quired to express his values and fulfill his calling. The Lion
of the tribe of Judah is a name for Christ in the book of Reve-
lation that captures this assertive dimension.
On the weakness compass point, Jesus endured alienation
by the townsfolk in Nazareth, was rejected by many toward
the end of his Galilean ministry, fell to the ground in agony
in the Garden of Gethsemane, stood mute before Pontius Pi-
late and King Herod, and accepted the humiliation of a
criminals death on the cross. Christs name from the weak-
ness compass point is the Lamb of God.
On the other hand, we see Christ express the strength
compass point in organizing and instructing his disciples,
demonstrating social justice and the in-breaking of Gods
kingdom, resisting Satanic temptations, praying through the
night, and setting a single-minded course of doing the Fa-
thers will, even when it meant heading for Jerusalem at a
time when the hostility marshaled against him was fiercest.
Isaiahs strength-oriented titles for the Messiah include
Prince of Peace, Mighty Counselor, and Lord of Lords. New
Testament names for the strength dimension of Jesus per-
sonality include bread of life, living water, light of the world,
and the resurrection and the life.
In discussing Christs personality, I am suggesting an
overarching thesis of this book: compass theory understands
personality health and maladaptive behavior through both
the qualitative analysis of empirical research and the dy-
7
namics of Jesus personality as revealed in the Gospel narra-

tives. In Christian therapy and pastoral counseling, the cor-
relation of Jesus personality with the Self Compass provides
counselees with a psychological as well as spiritual under-
standing of Christ, and enriches their perception of how God
works within their personalities.
Freed for Growth Toward Wholeness
In the epic saga, Roots, Alex Haley conjures a provocative

scene at the end of the book. A horseman is riding full tilt
through a cotton field toward a group of barebacked, sweat-
ing slaves.
The rider shouts, Youre free! Free!
The slaves gaze at him, stone-faced. He reigns up the
horse near the male leader of the group. Didnt you hear me?
You can throw down that gunnysack. Youre free now.
The man stands erect and takes a long, considered breath,
and then says, Free for what?
The message of psychology without Christ is like the
players in this scene. The therapist says to the counselee,
You are free. Free to think, feel, and act however you want.
The counselee, still burdened by the tensions of existence
and the human quest for meaning, doesnt jump for joy, but
continues to wrestle with the age-old existential question,
Free for what?
Compass Therapy offers a psychospiritual answer. Coun-
selees are freed from inordinate anxiety, psychogenic depres-
sion, false guilt, overbearing pride, and self-defeating behav-
iors in order to become more Christ-like, more sensitive to
the Holy Spirits inner guidance. The counselees emerging
self-responsibility and rhythmic personality functioning add
up to greater congruence with Gods unfolding will in the
personal and interpersonal domains.
Gradually, progress is made in knitting together ones
personal identity with ones social relations. In compass the-
ory this is known as the actualizing equation of identity, in-
8
THE COMPASS MODEL
timacy, and community. To actualize means to make a real-

ity ofto complete ones self in a healthy way. As one coun-
selor put it: The Self Compass shows people how theyre put
together so that they can learn to live together. Counselees
who use the Self Compass gain a dynamic set of checks and
balances that helps them develop wholeness while navigating
through life.
The Compass Virtues
We may conceptualize what it means to grow more whole

in Christ in terms of compass virtues. Four psychospiritual
virtues accrue from integrating the tensions of love and as-
sertion, and weakness and strength. It may sound strange to
speak of the development of virtues as appropriate to the
counseling process. Yet it is valuable to have in mind a direc-
tion for human growth, as opposed to a random freedom that
is directionless.
When the compass points are used freely and fully, people
experience the benefits of their interplay. Love forms the vir-
tue of caring. Assertion fosters the virtue of courage. Weak-
ness yields the virtue of humility. And strength brings the
virtue of esteem. The upshot is that the counterbalancing vir-
tues of caring and courage, and humility and esteem, develop
in people when they honor the LAWS of personality and rela-
tionships.
A common error of secular psychology has been to under-
estimate the correlation between personality virtues and in-
terpersonal fulfillment. On the other hand, a common mis-
take in Christianity is the inculcation of virtuous traits apart
from their organic integration within the personality. Com-
pass Therapy offers a creative synthesis that moves beyond
these constricting options.
The complimentary virtues of caring, courage, humility,
and esteem are facilitated as developmental consequences of
rhythmic personality functioning. In other words, the Self
Compass evokes in a growing person the dynamics of person-
9
ality and interpersonal health that Jesus Christ embodies.
A Unified Field Theory of Human Growth and Fulfillment
Compass Therapy integrates an empirically validated

model of personality functioning with active trust in the
Lords guidance toward a personality wholeness that is akin
to his own. Therapeutic intervention utilizes human rapport
to forge a healing alliance in which self-defeating behaviors
are understood and exchanged for healthy counterparts:
ways of thinking, feeling, and choosing that benefit from the
holistic rhythms of love and assertion, and weakness and
strength.
Because Compass Therapy seeks not only to understand
behavioral dysfunction, but also to heal and transform it, ac-
tion techniques have been developed to move counselees for-
ward toward personality wholeness, interpersonal fulfill-
ment, and the psychospiritual benefits of compass living.
10
2
A COMPASS FOR REDEMPTIVE HOPE
Having discussed how the compass rhythms of love and

assertion, weakness and strength, are found in healthy indi-
viduals and in Jesus personality, lets investigate what hap-
pens when various compass points are blocked.
Imagine you are a counselor familiar with the compass
model. You use it to work with a church family that is about
to go nuclear with inner tensions. The mother, Mrs. Sanchez,
comes to see you, complaining that her son Jason doesnt
obey her properly, and that she is terribly concerned he will
go astray.
As the family story unfolds, you find out that Jason is a
high school senior. Mrs. Sanchez is infuriated at his refusal
to apply for admission to a Midwest college that is her alma
mater. But that isnt all. Jasons room is messy. He doesnt
call in when hes out with friends. He is sometimes late for
the nightly curfew. He resists doing the dishes after meals.
And he seems generally ungrateful for her abundant good-
ness in caring for him. Altogether, she has reached her wits
end because her stern lectures fall on deaf ears, he ignores
her post-it notes, and he even grumbles under his breath
the epitome of stubborn rebellion!
You do some probing. Is Jason on drugs? No. Does he
come home drunk when hes late for curfew? No. Does he
hang with a crowd of vandals and party animals? Nohe
11
likes the kids in this church youth group. Has he wrecked the
family car? No. Does he curse at her or call her derogatory
names? No.
Then whats the big deal?
Again, she tells you in all earnestness, as though it is one
of the worst crimes a teenager can commit, that it is uncon-
scionable how Jason refuses to attend college at her alma
mater in the Midwest.
Oh. He wants to become a high school dropout and lazy
bum?
No. He wants to go to college at a nearby state university,
where several of his friends are heading.
After several sessions with the whole family, you conclude
that Mrs. Sanchez is stuck on the strength compass point,
needing to establish domineering and dictatorial control over
her son. She behaves the same way toward her husband, but
he has long ago tuned her out by becoming fixated on the
weakness compass point. He is an emotionally absent hus-
band and a withdrawn parent, who is undercut by his wife
whenever he tries to give input regarding the son. For his
part, Jason seems a fairly normal young man who is in jeop-
ardy of negatively acting out if his anger toward Mom keeps
mounting.
Without therapeutic intervention and the development of
healthier communications, the prognosis is poor. Though this
family attends church regularly and participates in many
church activities, their engagement of others is superficial
and always aimed at presenting the Sanchez family image in
a good Christian light that hides the turmoil that is consum-
ing them. Paradoxically, Christ himself is helpless to the de-
gree that family members refuse to develop more whole per-
sonalities. The Lord, though no doubt seeking to create many
opportunities for growth, is met with the same rigid re-
sponses and blame-shifting that you experience as their
counselor.
What to do?
12
Over the next six months of therapy, you develop a

rhythm of sessions that centers on Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez,
and occasionally includes Jason. Slowly you facilitate a per-
ceptual shift in Mrs. Sanchez that reverberates throughout
the family. Using the Self Compass, you help her recognize
that her controlling personality trend is a nemesis rather
than a blessing.
You reframe what she sees in herself as conscientiousness
and righteousness as being stuck on the strength compass
point with attitudes that make her judgmental and conde-
scending. The turning point comes when you ask her to de-
scribe her own parents. She says her father was reclusive
and her mother drove everyone crazy with her with tyranni-
cal nitpicking. Finally, she sees the connection to her own
marriage.
You praise Mrs. Sanchez for her courageous new insight
that even though its the last thing in the world she ever
wanted, she has become the behavioral icon of her mother.
You guide her into the expression of the weakness compass
point, where she humbly faces her personality foibles
something entirely new in this womans life. This helps coun-
terbalance her former out-of-control strength. The son and
husband appreciate that she is easing up on them and ex-
pressing herself with greater tact.
While this is going on, you are helping Mr. Sanchez crawl
out of his emotional cocoon. He gradually learns to use the
assertion and strength compass points at home in the same
effective way that he uses them at work. He becomes more
visible as a husband, father, and family member. For the
first time, he develops the courage to express feelings of love
for his wife and son. With his newly developed self-esteem,
he is able to receive his wifes apology and forgive her for the
years that she has carped at him. As their estrangement de-
creases, their sexual intimacynonexistent for two years
increases, and along with it, their ability to form a united
front in decisions regarding Jason.
13
Jason pays more heed now that Dad and Mom are both
involved in his life. He says he feels more respected. He
makes gradual progress taking on responsibilities, but re-
mains adamant about attending the nearby university. Since
Mom has surrendered the old dogmatism about her alma ma-
ter, she affirms his choice and becomes duly proud of her son.
A Compass for Redemptive Hope
Now lets study the version of the Self Compass that you
used with the Sanchez family. This versioncalled the
Trends Self Compassshows the actualizing rhythms in the
outermost level, and the more rigid and constricted trends in
the inner shaded level. These rigid trends trip people up
when they dont use a whole Self Compass. However, show-
ing the two levels together gives counselees immediate hope,
because they can understand where they are stuck, and, like
the Sanchez family, see what constructive steps they can
take toward improving their personalities and relationships.
Compass theory states that manipulations arise when one
or more compass points are exaggerated or avoided at the ex-
pense of the others. Manipulation means using oneself or
others as things rather than relating as a whole person.
Notice how the shaded circle shows a thicker and more con-
tracted self-boundary. At this level contrived agendas and
fixated perceptions replace the fluid spontaneity of the actu-
alizing level. When the diagram is discussed with counselees,
they can understand how repressed compass points block the
development of actualizing rhythms and virtues, making
ones behavior skewed and resistant to growth.
As you move around the perimeter of the constricted com-
pass, note that overly exaggerated love deteriorates into the
Dependent Trend, characterized by pleasing and placating.
Unchecked assertion escalates into the Aggressive Trend,
distinguished by blaming and resenting. Overblown weak-
ness collapses into the Withdrawal Trend of detaching and
avoiding. Inflated strength balloons into the Controlling
14
Trend, earmarked by dictating and judging, where Mrs. San-

chez was stuck.
ASSERTION STRENGTH
Actualizing
Rhythms
COURAGE ESTEEM
Expressive Manipulative Confident
Assertive Trends Adequate
AGGRESSION CONTROL
Blaming Dictating
Resenting Judging
Fear
Versus
Trust
WITHDRAWAL DEPENDENCY
Avoiding Pleasing
Detaching Placating
HUMILITY CARING
Vulnerable Nurturing
Uncertain Forgiving
WEAKNESS LOVE
Trends Self Compass
Counselees fixated on single compass points will exhibit

the singular trends described. Counselees stuck on combina-
tions of compass points will show blended traits that make
sense when you comprehend the singular trends from which
they are composed.
By recognizing which compass point is being exaggerated
or avoided, you can facilitate a counselees healthy use of
that compass point, while at the same time trouble-shooting
15
with them about their presenting problem.

Now lets take a deeper look at these negative trends. Im
going to make some generalizations about each compass
point, even while recognizing that human beings are more
complex than this. Nevertheless, these generalizations can
prove helpful.
Dependency
Dependents place their worth in other people's hands.

They want to know whether others approve of every little
step they take. They care too much about whether others like
them or not. Their extreme outer-direction results in inexpli-
cable mood swings. If dependents have constant support and
encouragement, they can be cheerful. But whenever that
support waivers, they become depressed.
Dependents are naive and gullible. They have a blind
faith in authority figures. They dont want conflict with any-
one. They bend over backwards to keep the peace and make
others happy. Because they are fixated at the infantile level
of always needing help and approval, it is as though depend-
ents are still connected to others by a psychological umbilical
cord. It is hard for them to stand on their own feet and take
self-responsibility.
Dependents remain bereft of an identity until they learn
how to use their strength and assertion compass points. They
overly exaggerate love in the forms of pleasing, placating and
complying. They are fearful of disappointing anyones expec-
tations. Pay them a compliment and theyll quickly forget it.
Give them a criticism and they feel hurt for days.
Since dependents are unaware that their lack of develop-
ment comes from being stuck on the love compass point, they
mistakenly view love as a cure-all. If only they could find a
person who loves them fully, then everything would be all
right. With regard to God, dependents strive to please him by
being nice and good. They prefer to believe that no one is
16
truly evil, that everything will work out if they just trust and
obey.
Dependents are fortunate if they actually find a partner
who has both strength and love. More oftenbecause of
their lack of discernment about peoplethey are drawn to
partners who are strong but lack empathy, or who are ag-
gressive but lack love.
Aggression
A person stuck on the assertion compass point copes with

inner pain by blaming, attacking, and venting on those
around them. Aggressive people see life as a dog-eat-dog
world. If they dont get their way, they make plans to get
even. They hold grudges for years and trust no one. The main
emotions they feel are bitterness, spite, and hatred.
The aggressive trend is famous for abusing others without
feeling guilty. People trapped in this trend view their spouses
and children as their private property, and can become furi-
ous if not strictly obeyed. They are overly jealous of their
spouses, demanding to know where they are at all times.
They are bossy and irritable with their kids. They dish out
punishment like a sergeant assigning demerits, to keep fam-
ily members in line.
Stubbornness and pride are built into the aggressive
trend. Their views are always right. They have nothing to
learn and are suspicious of anyone who might teach them
something. They consider others views as irrelevant to their
decisions. They intimidate others with icy glares, raised eye-
brows, pointed fingers, cold shoulders, and long lectures.
They may threaten abandonment or physical violence if they
don't get their way. They are masters of controlling people
through anger, a trait that can even strike fear in the heart
of their counselor! They take offense over the slightest issue.
On the other hand, most aggressive individuals can be
quite charming if this gets them what they want. Under-
17
neath this facade they remain tough-minded realists. They

live life on their terms. If someone threatens them, they get
stronger. If someone criticizes them, they get meaner. If
someone humiliates them, they get even.
They conceal their shortcomings and problems because
they feel it is nobody else's business. They believe that what
others know will be used against them. They dont let any-
body get too close.
Another aspect of the general suspiciousness of the ag-
gressive trend is an unwillingness to give in, even on trivial
issues, because compromise is a sign of weakness.
If they are religious, they believe that God is an angry
God. They believe that God disdains those who are weak or
sentimental, that he hates people who are different from
them. They serve God by threatening people so that they will
obey.
Withdrawal
When stuck on the weakness compass point, counselees

are convinced of their own helplessness. They give up and
give in, adjusting to situations that most people would find
intolerable. They escape their pain through sleeping, procras-
tinating, or walking around in a perpetual daze.
Many withdrawn individuals long to be liked, but are
convinced that they are unattractive. They watch for the
slightest sign of rejection from others, often reading in a
slight when its not really there. Their most common feeling
is sadness. They often report that the body feels numb. The
numbness comes from detaching themselves from vital feel-
ings and sensations in an attempt to reduce anxiety.
The withdrawn trend makes people shy and hypersensi-
tive. They fantasize that people feel negatively toward them.
They are prone to feelings of inferiority, panic, and self-pity.
They are so preoccupied with fears and insecurities that they
feel constantly in danger. They pursue the course of greatest
18
safety, which is to take no risks at all. What makes the with-

drawn trend a formidable challenge in counseling is the exis-
tence of an impenetrable circle around the self that can be
thought of as an emotional cocoon.
In social interactions they feel like a basket case of
nerves. They often experience palpitations, sweating,
blushing, or stomach cramps. They shut down by standing
in the corner or leaving at the first opportunity. Their minds
can go blank if called upon to speak. They avoid direct eye
contact. Only by active withdrawal can they protect them-
selves. Only in being alone do they gain a sense of relief.
In the withdrawn trend the goals are negative: not to care
what people think. Not to need anyone. Not to allow others to
influence them. Subsequently, they discount compliments by
believing that people are putting them on. They see others as
setting them up for ridicule. They think, If you really knew
me, you wouldnt say that.
Their desires for affection are repressed and constrained.
Life is a party they can never attend.
Equally uncomfortable is their relationship with God.
Even though they may believe in him, they are convinced
that he doesnt like them. They feel that God would accept
the whole world before he would choose them as friends, that
he despises them because of their weaknesses, and that he
knows what cowards and failures they are.
Controlling
Those who are stuck on the strength compass point in the

controlling trend are usually too self-sufficient to ask for help
when they need it, too proud to say they are sorry, too com-
petitive to be intimate, and too self-centered to listen to
others needs.
Exaggerated strength without the balance of weakness
and love turns people into control freaks who use power to
judge others. They believe that the only way to do things is
19
their way. They judge and reject anyone or anything that

doesn't comply with their standards. Their need for perfec-
tion interferes with the ability to grasp the bigger picture.
They are closed-minded but convinced they know it all. They
feel entitled to play junior gods in the lives of others.
Controllers are formal in manner, stiff in carriage, and
proper in conversation. Their relationships reflect a tense
and serious quality, even at home with family members.
They derive inordinate pleasure from classifying things and
managing people. They may hoard worn-out or worthless ob-
jects. They are stingy but like to appear as generous. They
usually opt for the dominant role in their families. Their con-
stant need to talk down to others can make family members
feel like errant children.
Controllers avoid the weakness and love compass points.
Their consuming need is to give a good impression and to be
in control at all times. Their Rock-of-Gibraltar self-image is
paramount. This keeps them from laughing, playing, feeling,
risking, and sharing.
Lacking in imagination and creativity, controllers rely on
tradition or the rulebook to prescribe what should be done
in the present. They live mechanically by rite, ritual, and
propriety. They pooh-pooh feelings and consider introspection
to be self-indulgent. They are often oblivious to their own and
others emotions.
Controllers secretly strive for recognition and admiration.
Their fundamental attitude is: Strive at all times to demon-
strate your strength and superiority. They view most other
people as irresponsible, lazy, and incompetent.
If religious, they tend to view God as a figure of judgment
and perfection who demands conformity and punishes indi-
viduality. Discipline and self-control are required at all
times. They feel that God does not live or move outside of re-
ligious rules and regulations; that God does not speak out-
side the voice of tradition; and that the dictates of authority
must be obeyed to the letter of the law. They serve God
20
through a demonstration of moral perfection and the ongoing

correction of others.
From Trends to Transformation
Compass Therapy seeks to redeem the self-defeating rigid-

ity that is perpetuated by being stuck on various compass
points. Growth stretches into unused compass points are en-
couraged through the use of techniques that promote trans-
formation. Even small increments of personality expansion
add freedom and rhythm to the personality, and significantly
improve communication with God and people.
Pioneers in counseling have described rigid personality
trends in many ways. Freud called them ego defense mecha-
nisms.11 Adler thought of these rigidities as superiority com-
plexes and inferiority complexes, and false behavior pat-
terns. Karen Horney called them neurotic trends and a
tragic waste of human potential.12 Wilhelm Reich observed
that even the body is incorporated into personality rigidity,
since psychological defenses are held in place by muscular
armor.13
In the modern era, Eric Berne called manipulations the
games people playthe negative life scripts that people hide
behind when they lack openness and intimacy with others.14
Carl Rogers conceptualized the temptation of rigidity as a
struggle between the real and the ideal self.15 Jacobi Moreno,
founder of psychodrama, wrote that personality rigidity un-
dermines spontaneity and creativity.16 Aaron Beck referred to
rigid trends as exaggerated cognitive processes.17 Albert Ellis
has suggested that behavioral rigidity stems from irrational
assumptions about ones self and other people.18
However we construe rigid trends, Compass Therapy as-
sists counselees to become rhythmic and expressive around
the range of the compass in intellectual, emotional, and spiri-
tual ways. Replacing dehumanizing maneuvers with actualiz-
ing growth increases cognitive flexibility, emotional vitality,
21
and spiritual openness to Gods unfolding will.

In the next four chapters well travel around the Self
Compass, exploring common ways that people become stuck
exaggerating one compass point at the expense of others. By
the same token, youll discover how facilitating compass
alignment in your counselees promotes personality integra-
tion and helps them find their bearings with God and others.
22
3
TRANSFORMING THE DEPENDENT TREND
Compass Therapy isnt interested in labeling people, or

passing judgment on their personalities. Describing a coun-
selee as dependent, aggressive, withdrawn, or controlling is a
temporary shorthand reference for conceptualizing a persons
behavioral disposition. Naming the personality trend illumi-
nates how the person is currently functioning, and provides a
general direction for growth and change. As behavioral
change occurs, the label becomes obsolete.
I recommend implementing a discussion of the Self Com-
pass somewhere during the first three sessions, alongside
data gathering about background and presenting problems,
and formulating a dynamic hypothesis about what is wrong
and how to fix it.
As soon as you present the compass model, you elicit peo-
ples introspection and self-discovery. They become involved
in comparing their own functioning over against a healthy
model, and often supply valuable insights at the beginning of
counseling. They learn how resourceful their personalities
can become when freed of present constraints and contradic-
tions. The Self Compass inspires hope, as well as offering
them a practical tool for everyday life.
23
The Positives of the Dependent Trend
Every trend has positives embedded in it much the same

as a pearl is embedded in an oyster. These positives arise
from the fact that a person who is stuck on a compass point
develops a certain mastery of that point. This mastery be-
comes a personality asset once the person is freed from com-
pensatory negatives that also accrue from over-reliance upon
that single compass point.
In the case of dependent counselees, their reliance on the
love compass point brings unusually developed qualities of
loyalty, sensitivity to peoples needs, and commitment to the
wellbeing of others. However, for their love to remain
healthy, they need to develop the complementary traits of
diplomatic assertion and the courage to stand up for them-
selves. Lets take a look at how this can work.
From Appeasement to Assertion
Mr. Lee, a single dad, divorced his wife in Hong Kong and
moved with his son Jerry to America. The boy was fifteen
when they arrived. Mr. Lee worked long hours to financially
support them. The mother remained in their country of ori-
gin, but kept in touch through the phone and e-mail. Within
several months of arriving, Jerry got involved with a drug
crowd. He forged friendships with a network of gang mem-
bers. By the time Mr. Lee came in for counseling, Jerry was
sixteen. This father felt deeply troubled about his sons be-
havior, feeling run ragged at hiring attorneys to keep his son
out of jail.
I showed Mr. Lee the Self Compass in a second session.
He pointed to the dependent trend and said, Thats me. Ive
been pleasing and placating everybody my whole life. Before
long, we recognized that his dependent trend had carried
over into an overly permissive parenting style. This, in turn,
had generated entitled and petulant behavior in his son. The
principle at work here is called generational reversal, and is
24
one of the predictions arising from the compass model. When

applied to parent-child relationships, the principle predicts
that when a parent overly favors a compass point, the child
will often develop an equal and opposite orientation, with the
attendant exaggerations and rigidities characterized by that
compass point.
By kowtowing and succumbing to the childs needs and
demands, the dependent parent gives the child, in this case
Jerry, too much power in the relationship. The child can dis-
cover that angry and aggressive demands are successful
ways for controlling the parent. When I explained this work-
ing hypothesis to Mr. Lee, he agreed that it described his re-
lationship with Jerry.
Here is a segment from a fifth counseling session:
Mr. Lee: I really dont know what to do. My

son doesnt respect anything I say. He keeps his
own hours and never reports in to me. Now hes
dropped out of school. I can tell hes high on
drugs, but he just gets mad and stomps out
when I mention it.
Dan: One thing Ive noticed is the number of

times youve bent over backwards trying to help
Jerry.
Mr. Lee: Its been that way ever since his mom
and I broke up. I think he got really confused af-
ter that, and thats when all the trouble really
started.
Dan: So are you excusing him right now?
Mr. Lee: Well, Im just trying to explain that he

needs a lot of love that he probably didnt get. So
25
maybe thats why hes so close to these no-good

friends.
Dan: I seem to sense that you feel guilty about

the divorce, and that youve tried to handle your
guilt by being as patient with your son as possi-
ble, even to the point where he runs over you
completely, and you still try to let him off the
hook. Could there be any truth to that?
Mr. Lee: I do feel guilty that hes only got me

to raise him. But isnt it good to keep helping
him? (Here is the dependent trend rearing its
head, and if the counselor doesnt point it out,
the dad may never come to understand its self-
defeating consequences).
Dan: I think youve hit on something here.

Youve done your best to show love and kindness
to your son, and youve protected him whenever
hes got into trouble. But I think that maybe you
are showing too much love and not enough as-
sertion. This has the effect of teaching Jerry
that you will pick up the pieces no matter what
he does. So hes having a grand time doing as he
pleases.
Mr. Lee: But what am I supposed to do? Aban-

don him? (This is a predictable response, and
occurs when people are hemmed in by the black-
and-white thinking of a trend. They justify not
changing by imagining a dire behavior from the
opposite compass point that seems unconscion-
able).
Dan: What I am suggesting is that you might
26
serve your own sanity and your sons wellbeing

by developing more assertion; that you might
learn to set boundaries, take stands, and no
longer give your son a free ride for doing as he
wishes.
Mr. Lee: But what if he gets angry?
Dan: Thats a very good point. I think we might

need to help you lose your fear of his anger, and
to handle his outbursts with calm diplomacy,
where you state your case and stick to it,
whether he gets angry or not. The important
thing is that he learns youre no longer a push-
over who needs his approval to feel good about
yourself as a parent.
Mr. Lee: Thats a very new thought. Is that

really the right direction to go? I mean, I think I
can do that, if only I know that its the right
thing to do.
Dan: Lets put it this way. Appeasing your son

through being stuck on the love compass point
will only make him wilder and sassier. But by
balancing your love with assertion, youll get
your life back, and your son can no longer emo-
tionally blackmail you into submission. Do you
think youre up for this kind of self-
development?
Mr. Lee: Definitely I am. But Im going to need

some help.
Over the next few months we worked on helping Mr. Lee

outgrow the false guilt that is built into the dependent trend.
27
He made simple rules for Jerry and accepted how important

it was to consistently enforce them. Now seventeen, Jerry got
miffed and went to live with a friend. For the first time in
years, Mr. Lee began developing his own personal and social
life, no longer placing the son as his center of gravity.
Through assertion training he made progress in calm and
firm boundary setting. During occasional weekends at the
dads house, Jerry unconsciously assimilated this new model
of a father who could be caring, yet immune to manipulation.
There were two more run-ins with the law, but when Mr.
Lee let his son experience more of the consequences of his
choices, Jerry began learning the rudiments of responsibility.
Gradually, Jerry got the picture that the days of dominating
his dad were over.
Though Mr. Lee had Buddhist leanings, I encouraged him
to reach out to God in prayer, sharing the scripture that says,
Call on me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you
shall glorify me (Psalm 50:15). He considered it an act of
God when a judge ordered his son to attend six months of
Narcotics Anonymous meetings. During that time, Jerry ex-
perienced not only a deliverance from drugs, but also a spiri-
tual awakening.
Our counseling, by now sporadic, provided enough sup-
port for Mr. Lee to develop a full repertoire of communication
skills that replaced his love-stuck relational pattern. Now
armed with a whole Self Compass, he no longer fell for the
sons manipulations. Sure enough, Jerry began respecting his
father. He moved back in and showed his respect by calling
regularly to report in and keeping a nighttime curfew. He
even began confiding in his dad and listening to what Dad
had to say.
It hasnt been easy, but to date Jerry has successfully fin-
ished a probationary period with the sheriffs department,
left the gang, and earned a GED. Upon my suggestion, the
dad is encouraging Jerrys regular attendance at a Twelve
Step group. I believe he will need this for some years to insu-
28
late him from the appeal of gang life and drugs, and
strengthen friendships with peers who are making progress
in getting their lives launched. Mr. Lee concluded our coun-
seling by saying, Now I know what redemptive hope means.
Looking back, I believe the most significant highlights of
the counseling were: 1) when Mr. Lee recognized his depend-
ent trend; 2) when he expanded his behavior to include the
assertion and strength compass points; and 3) when he and
Jerry in their own ways invited God to help them out.
Tips for Counseling Dependents
Dependent counselees transfer their indiscriminate need

for peoples approval right into the counseling setting. Youve
got to resist being trapped by their niceness, politeness, and
attempts at being ideal counselees. It is important to help
dependent counselees stay in touch with the need for healthy
assertion, because they fear anger and confrontation.
If the dependent trend traps you in its web, youll feel re-
luctant to confront counselees with the negative conse-
quences of this rigid trend. Dependent counselees are used to
the superficial living that comes from avoiding conflicts and
not making waves. The desire to see the world through rose-
colored glasses makes them resistant to hearing about their
own or other peoples manipulations. Yet this Pollyanna
worldview is self-destructive. It makes them nave about re-
lationships and prone to neglect developing an identity apart
from pleasing others.
How do you as a counselor confront dependents without
devastating them? You break the news gently by exploring
how they first acquired dependent trends in childhood and
adolescence. You ask them to recall who taught them to care
so much about peoples approval. You predict that unless
they outgrow the dependent trend, they will keep feeling
guilty about trivial matters, fearful about displeasing others,
and depressed when others often take them for granted. You
29
explain that they are not helping other people by always giv-
ing into them. Their responses to others will gain emotional
maturity when they can say no as well as yes. You sug-
gest that God can communicate his guidance more ade-
quately when they are exercising autonomy and the courage
to follow Gods inner marching orders.
Another trap dependents can fall into is asking question
after question, instead of actively taking growth steps. They
try to get you to take responsibility for what they do next,
and in so doing, keep themselves at a childish level of func-
tioning. Watch out for the temptation of feeling flattered
when they tell you how wise and wonderful you are. If you
get hooked by this unconscious ploy, they will remain as de-
pendent as ever.
As the counseling progresses, you must skillfully frustrate
their tendency to lean on you. Ask them how they feel and
wait for them to spell it out. Ask them what they want and
how they might accomplish it. Compliment every movement
toward self-responsibility and emotional self-sufficiency. Put
them on the spot when they say their needs are not really
important. Ask in a warm Socratic way if they want to grow
into adulthood, or are content to remain childlikeand mis-
erable.
Whenever dependents take growth stretches into the
strength and assertion compass points, they feel guilty at
first, because the last thing they want to do is appear selfish
or step on someones toes. Point out that this is a false guilt
based on having an overly strict conscience. If one of their
goals is becoming Christ-like, then suggest that they need to
share Christs courage as a non-conformist when fairness and
justice are at stake.
Become the accepting parent your dependent counselees
never had. Compliment them when they finally admit their
anger towards others, their secret depression, and their dis-
gust at their own niceness. Your acceptance of their negative
feelings and thoughts helps them become more authentic.
30
Most of all, redefine their sense of social responsibility.

Most dependents believe they are in the world exclusively to
make other people happy. Challenge this with the idea that
they are in the world to become fully developed personali-
tiescapable of love and assertion, weakness and strength.
If you choose to pray together, a gutsy and emotionally hon-
est prayer on your part can help them learn to express both
positive and negative feelings to God.
The Right to Say Yes or No
Janelle sat across from me, eyes pensive. She had a busy
church and family life, and had described her marriage as
doing fine. What concerned her was two months of early
morning awakening with panicky feelings that baffled her.
By this second session, I had discerned that Janelle favored
the dependent trend.
So how are you feeling after our last session? I ask.
I felt a little bit better. But a couple more mornings I
woke up fearful. Its like my stomach is riding a Ferris
wheel.
I reached for my Kleenex box, pulled out a tissue, and
handed it to her. The Kleenex technique is effective in helping
any counselee bring inner problems into sharper focus. (For
more about this technique, see pp. 140-141 in Appendix I).
Id like you to take this tissue, Janelle, and create some-
thing that symbolizes these jitters.
She took the Kleenex and thoughtfully caressed it. She
pulled it straight from both ends. That didnt seem to satisfy
what she felt inside. So she tried creasing it into nice even
folds. But that didnt seem right either. Then I noticed a new
intensity flowing through her fingers. She opened the
Kleenex completely, and slowly and deliberately began to
tear off pieces of it. She let each piece flutter down onto a
growing pile on the coffee table between us.
Thats a creative way to express yourself, I said. Are
31
you wanting to say anything as you tear each piece?

Everybody wants something from me, she said. She
yanked off a piece and tightly rolled it between her thumb
and index finger; then she flicked it onto the table.
And?
Im getting sick and tired of it.
We were shifting from physical symbolization into emo-
tional awareness. Janelle was thawing out, loosening up
becoming aware of an inner conflict.
She tore another piece from the Kleenex.
What does that piece stand for? I asked.
The PTA group that elected me for president two weeks
ago!
Its safe here to express thoughts and feelings. What
would you like to say to the PTA?
I want to say, I dont have time to do this. I have to take
care of my girls and keep things running at home. And now
you give me this new job. Theres no time left for me!
Can you say that again, louder? Its okay to assert your-
self.
Yes. I resent this new job. I didnt want it to begin with.
You need to find somebody else!
Janelle looked surprised at her emotional honesty.
Thats wonderful assertion, I said. Youve convinced me
that you really cant take on this extra burden right now. I
wonder if these PTA people might not understand your di-
lemma if you express it to them. What do you think?
I hadnt thought of that. I suppose I could try.
How about trying right now. You can see what it feels
like. And if you dont like how it comes out, you can try it a
different way.
Okay. Well, I guess Id say something like, I really ap-
preciate that you guys think I can be a good president. But
right now Ive got my hands completely full. I just dont have
time to do this. She paused and looked at me, as though for
support.
32
Thats very well said. Your sincerity is coming through.

But what if they wont let me resign?
Thats when youll face a choice-point, and maybe your
Self Compass can help you out. If you listen to your depend-
ent trend, youll do what they say without considering your
real feelings. But healthy assertion lets you decide whats
right for you, regardless of what anyone might think.
Wont people think Im irresponsible?
Thats sounds like the dependent trend saying, Ive got
to live up to peoples expectations, no matter what it does to
me.
So you think I should call in and resign?
Im not saying that. What I am saying is that you have
the right to say either yes or no to the election. So what do
you think will bring you peace?
Janelles eyes opened wide.
Im going to the past president. Shes still in office until
the end of the month. Ill explain the situation and tell her
we need to hold a new election.
And if she disagrees, or tries to lay a guilt trip on you,
how will you resist the dependent trend?
Ill tell her that Ive made up my mind and thats all
there is to it.
I took this as a sign of emotional closure. Janelle had dis-
covered the meaning of the early morning jitters, expanded
the use of her Self Compass, and come up with a creative
course of action. Naturally, Janelle would need continued
emphasis over the duration of counseling that assertion is
healthy and spiritually sound. Only with continued vigilance
about the negatives of the dependent trend would she gradu-
ally outgrow it.
Christian counselors are wise to remain vigilant about
spotting the love-stuck trend of dependency in any coun-
selees life and behavior. Once brought into awareness,
therapeutic techniques can strengthen the counselees self-
confidence (the strength compass point) and self-expression
33
(the assertion compass point), thus encouraging a more

whole and rhythmic use of the Self Compass.
While the Kleenex technique proved helpful in providing
Janelle with a means of making her inner feelings more visi-
ble, remember that all twenty-five techniques Ill be present-
ing in the narrative and Appendix I will work with a wide
range of counselee personalities and needs. As your mastery
of these counseling techniques increases, so does your coun-
seling intuition for utilizing one or more of them in any given
session.
34
4
DISARMING AN AGGRESSIVE COUNSELEE
A hospital administrator named Rex came to see me on a

dare. Rexs best friend, David, had undergone a personality
shift from being a hardnosed bully to becoming a more emo-
tionally sensitive man. One night when they were out having
a beer, David opened up about the counseling process, de-
scribing his discovery that a chip on the shoulder attitude
was responsible for many self-created miseries, including a
recent divorce. Knowing that Rex, too, shared the tough guy
mentality, David had suddenly said, I dare you to make an
appointment with Dr. Montgomery.
Now Rex sat in the office chair across from me and con-
cluded the story. So I told David that no counseling crap
would ever work on me. The next morning I made this ap-
pointment so I could win the dare.
Thats what I call an original referral, I said.
So here I am, doc, he said, opening his arms in a mock
invitation. Fix me.
Before I tell you what happened, lets explore some gen-
eral guidelines for counseling aggressive people.
Suggestions for Counseling the Aggressive Trend
Most aggressive counselees do not seek counseling for in-

sight and change. They make an initial appointment because
35
someone is forcing their hand about the damage their anger

is causing. They resent any implication that theres some-
thing wrong with their behavior and offer brilliant rationali-
zations for why they are blunt and acerbic: Hey, I tell people
exactly what I think. What do you want me to do, lie? I cant
help it if people cant take the truth. Or, I dont put on any
airs. What you see is what you get with me.
From inside the aggressive trend, the fault for troubled
relationships is always with other people. They are convinced
that others make them angry, argumentative, or possessive.
If only those other people (work associates, spouses, kids)
would shape up, then they wouldnt have to get mad. As one
man said, If only my wife wouldnt ever move my stuff, I
wouldnt have to yell at her.
In counseling people stuck in the aggressive trend, it
helps to realize up front that they do not want your help or
intervention. What they want is to convince you that they are
mistreated and disrespected by others, who fully deserve
their anger.
Since aggressive counselees view caring as a sign of
weakness, they will read shows of concern on your part as
foolish sentiment. From the inception of counseling they set
an invisible bear trap baited with your need to help them.
When they sense that you are emotionally involved enough,
they spring the trap with disparaging remarks about how
youve done nothing to really help. Since they are masters of
verbal punishment, they can dish out putdowns with stinging
effectiveness.
Paradoxically, then, you improve your chances for con-
structive change by giving up your need to help them. Keep
the motivation for each session squarely on their shoulders.
Never invest more than they invest. If they threaten to quit
counseling, dont talk them into staying.
36
Relaxing Under Fire
During Rexs first session, I could tell by his forceful

handshake and Doberman glare that he didnt want my help.
After the mock challenge to fix him, he continued: I want
to be up front about where I stand. I think Ph.D. stands for
piled higher and deeper. Youll never convince me a psy-
chologist knows more about life than me.
I consciously relaxed my shoulders, deepened my breath-
ing, and leaned back in my chair. I think youre right. I dont
have anything to teach you. If we stop here, I wont charge
you for the session. Is that what youd like to do?
Now hold on, he said. I didnt drive over here for a five-
minute session. Go ahead. Tell me something I dont know.
I breathed deeply again, though not obviously so. Visceral
relaxation calms the autonomic nervous system, in this case
lessening Rexs ability to fluster me. Aggressive counselees
instinctively know how to push buttons so that a therapists
pulse rate increases and the breathing becomes shallow. A
rapid heartbeat and shallow breathing deprive the thera-
pists brain of oxygen and flood the body with anxiety. Once
you are out of your center, the aggressive person takes con-
trol of the counseling session.
Well, actually Im more interested in learning something
from you, I said. Youre obviously a powerful person, and
Im curious about what you do for a living.
No problem. Rex adjusted himself more comfortably in
the chair. Ive been the CEO of the county hospital for five
years. Were rated number one in performance in this part of
the state.
Thats impressive, I said. Whats your secret of suc-
cess?
Easy. His eyes flashed. Anybody gives me the slightest
static, I chew them out in front of everybody. Ive fired three
secretaries and one chief of surgery this year. Even the doc-
tors dont cross me.
37
I can feel your confidence, I said. I asked other open-

ended questions that encouraged Rexs expression of strength
and assertion. I wanted him to feel at home in conveying his
strong sense of self with me. We had talked about fifteen
minutes, when I used a technique called Socratic probing to
create a subtle shift in the direction of the conversation.
In counseling assertion-stuck individuals, you need to re-
flect what they say accurately enough so that they feel un-
derstood, while adding an increment of feedback about the
real consequences of the aggressive trend. This gradually in-
creases their insight into self and relationships, without trig-
gering an angry protest. Ive named this technique in honor
of Socrates method of teasing out the implications of some-
ones philosophical position (see pp. 141-142 in Appendix I).
Rex had just described an instance where he had come

down hard on a nurse for forgetting a patients dose of medi-
cation.
I shook my head sympathetically. When I think of all the
responsibilities you are carrying, I find myself wondering
do you ever feel a bit lonely at the top administrative post
like youre the only one you can trust to really get the job
done? My further questions would build on whatever input
he provided, going a slight step further each time into the
exploration of inner feelings and potential conflicts. In this
case, I was using Socratic probing to flush out the feelings of
isolation that come with the aggressive trend.
You bet its lonely at the top. Everybody leans on me.
And I have to handle everything by myself. He shrugged his
shoulders. But I dont mind. It goes with the territory.
So Im curious about something. I notice the wedding ring
on your finger. Does the loneliness that comes with dominat-
ing people apply to your marriage? By shifting subjects, I was
keeping Rex off balance, and by directly pairing his domineer-
ing style with the loneliness he had acknowledged, I was cre-
ating an opportunity for deeper self-disclosure.
38
Rexs face flushed. Yeah, I do feel a little lonely when

Sherry gets depressed and pulls away from me.
Now we were getting somewhere. Rex had made it clear
that work was an area in which he felt he had complete mas-
tery. But if he could acknowledge some of the difficulties his
aggressive trend had incurred in an intimate relationship, we
might find common ground for generating a therapeutic goal.
How long have you been married?
Six months.
And before that?
Ive never been in a committed relationship before. Ive
had six other relationships with women. They each lasted a
year or so. They always fell apart, though.
I noticed that Rexs sarcasm had ceased. He was speaking
more from the heart.
And what seemed to disrupt these relationships?
The women. If they dont come around to my way of see-
ing things, I dump them.
And Sherry?
Im hoping this one works out.
So its like you have a long history of broken relation-
ships, yet you are hoping that somehow things with Sherry
will magically work out. Here I began to confront Rex with
the dire consequences of his inflexibly aggressive mind-set,
and the fact that he was doing nothing to change it.
Rex looked nervously at his watch. Well, I see the times
about up. So what do you have to say about my case?
I decided to take a chance and probe the deepest level
that our brief rapport might allow. Heres my hypothesis,
Rex. You are a self-made man who has a great deal of compe-
tence in your chosen field. You run a tight ship at work by
dominating people and making them fear you. You keep that
power unchallenged by humiliating them if they cross you.
But this strategy seems to break down when applied to inti-
macy with women. In that area of your life we see a string of
failures that is likely to continue with Sherry, despite your
39
hopes for happiness. Does any of this ring true for you?
This summation represented a strong level of confronta-
tion, and I wouldnt have done it without the sense that Rex
could handle it without taking offense or walking out. I dont
ordinarily recommend this assertion in an initial therapy
session, but my clinical instincts were telling me that Rex
would hear it as a challenge that he might respect. I also
sensed that without a bold conjecture about the negatives of
his behavior, he would have no interest in pursuing counsel-
ing.
So what are you saying about me? Rex asked, eyebrows
raised and hands semi-clenched.
Id rather hear what you think this adds up to, I sug-
gested.
That Im a jerk.
I want to congratulate you, Rex. Thats a very courageous
thing to say. I reached for my log. If you want to continue
counseling, we can make an appointment for the same time
next week. If not, thats fine.
As he was writing out the check, Rex said, So let me get
this straight. I come in this time every week, and youll make
the relationship with Sherry work?
This was bait for me to take responsibility for the outcome
of their relationship, and I didnt take it. Let me put it this
way, I said. If you want to explore what makes intimacy
grow and what destroys it, and how to improve your commu-
nication with Sherry, then youll be doing something realistic
to strengthen this marriage.
He extended his hand and we shook.
Deal, he said. See you next week.
As we discussed earlier, compass theory couples an inter-

pretation of maladjusted behavior with a forward moving di-
rection for actualizing growth. Rexs growth began the mo-
ment he accepted that his current behavior presented a
threat to his future hopes. Without realizing it, he had taken
40
a compass swing from overblown assertion into the love

compass pointhe cared about the relationship with Sherry
enough to explore what was harming it.
At the same time, through forming a therapeutic coali-
tion with me, however fragile and tentative, he was admit-
ting that he might have something to learn about his per-
sonality. This constituted a swing into the weakness com-
pass point, for it expressed a sense of vulnerability, and
even the beginning of humility. The rest of Rexs therapeu-
tic journey, for as long as he was willing to pursue it, would
entail expanding these compass swings until they became a
normal way of life that replaced the rigid regimen of his old
aggressive agenda.
Co-creating a Compass Sketch
During our next session, and after a few minutes of

small talk, I thought it time to introduce the compass
model. But rather than risk offending Rex by attempting to
teach him compass dynamics, I used compass sketching to
elicit his direct participation in self-discovery (for more
about compass sketching see pp. 142-144 in Appendix I).
Rex, youre a man whos used to taking charge and tell-
ing people whats what.
He nodded his assent, eyes narrowing, and I supposed
that he was wondering what I was up to. So Id like you to
give me a lesson in how your personality works.
He considered my request, nodding again, and said,
Sure. What do you want to know?
I placed a blank sheet of paper on the coffee table be-
tween us and took out a pen. I drew a Self Compass. This
circle is you, and the four compass points are key things
about you. I labeled them love and assertion, and weakness
and strength. Now heres where you get to play the expert.
He eyes met mine, amused, yet piercing. Okay, shoot.
Im going to describe four ways of relating to people, and
41
I want you to rate yourself on each onelike how much a

part of you it is. Okay?
Sure.
The first one is love. How often do you tell people you
love them, need them, forgive them, and want to help
them?
Rex laughed. Well, youd have to rate me a big fat zilch
on that one. Like I told Sherry, if you want the lovey-dovey
crap, go and find yourself a wimpy guy.
I laughed with him, and decided this was a good time to
employ a degree of counselor self-disclosure. This technique
derives from a foundational principle of compass theory:
personality expansion in the therapeutic relationship is fa-
cilitated by the joint expressions of humanness from both
counselor and counselee. While a counselor should never
disclose personal problems, it is all right to disclose perti-
nent principles learned in the course of life (more on pp.
144-146 in Appendix I).
I have that in common with you, Rex, I said. I grew up
in northern New Mexico in a town where being tough was
needed to survive. I couldnt tell a single girlfriend about my
caring feelings for fear that shed think I was weak. And I
misused anger as a means of getting my way. I had to learn
a lot about man-woman relationships before I could express
love openly, and assert without trying to dominate.
Rex looked at me thoughtfully. Then he looked down. I
still dont know how to do that. Sherry says I keep her in
the dark emotionally, and that shes feeling really depressed
about it.
Im amazed at your openness right now, I said. Just
telling me that shows youre willing to work on it. So where
would you place your use of the love compass point?
Rex drew a little blip on the love compass point. There.
Its like Im a little kid who needs training wheels on my bi-
cycle. Shes complained that I never tell her I love her. And
she says I never give her compliments. His face seemed to
42
redden. We have good sex, but she says I dont know how to
make love.
Okay, so weve got one point sketched out. Now for the
polar opposite of love: how often do you express anger, blam-
ing, and arguing?
He whipped the pen in a motion that went far outside the
circle of the self. Thats what I do. I intimidate everyone. Ive
been doing it since I was a kid.
I want to compliment you on your honesty. Now lets ex-
plore the other two compass points.
In a similar process, we sketched out the rest of Rexs per-
sonality functioning, taking enough time to talk a little about
the healthy and unhealthy use of each compass point. The
main thing was that Rex felt empowered by the process, be-
cause, though I was guiding the interview-exploration, he
was applying the principles and coming forth with illustra-
tions and insights into his own life and behavior.
Assertion Strength
Weakness Love
Rexs Compass Sketch
43
Toward the end of the session, I decided to use a positive

self-fulfilling prophecy to conjure a concrete picture of how
Rex could grow. When using this imaging technique, you pair
a definite strength in the counseleeone which is ego-
enhancingwith an image of how that asset can promote
success in personal growth. Counselees almost always appre-
ciate this kind of reinforcement and draw from its power to
pull them forward toward a healthier future (for a further
example of this technique, see pp. 146-147 in Appendix I).
I said, Rex, I like your courage in disclosing how hard it
is for you to show vulnerability and love. I believe this same
courage will help you learn how to use the weakness and love
compass points for building greater intimacy with Sherry.
Rex smiled and said he hoped so.
Once we had developed a months track record of rapport,

I invited Rex to bring Sherry into the sessions on alternate
weeks. We continued this rhythm over the course of a year,
during which Rex made enough changes to substantially im-
prove their bond of intimacy.
Whenever Rex reverted to blaming or attacking, Id feed
back to him that his aggressive trend had reared its ugly
head. If he would argue the point, I would concede quickly,
stating that he was entirely free to keep the angry attitude
and all its negative consequences. In one memorable session,
he looked me in the eye and said, Dr. Dan, Im doing my best
to change, but today I just want to gripe and complain. Cant
you just let me do it for a few minutes? I shifted from chal-
lenging to empathizing, and reflected the discontent in his
gut until he had thoroughly vented. He concluded the session
by saying, Thanks. I needed that. The following week he
was more amenable to working on issues.
To balance the fact that I am an action-oriented therapist,
I need to remind myselfand accept an occasional reminder
from a counselee like Rexthat one of the deepest human
needs is to feel accepted and understood. I need to make sure
44
that Im putting quality energy into replenishing an em-

pathic bond, and only when the counselee shows signs of
emotional security, go forward with probing or an action
technique to stimulate growth.
Over the next several months, Rex learned to recover
from slips into aggressive anger, especially toward Sherry,
by calling them compass fouls. Since he was a basketball
fanatic, the foul analogy worked well. He learned how to
make quick and unpretentious apologies, backed up by crea-
tive attempts at expressing himself more diplomatically.
When he would find one that worked, Sherry would cheer
and say, Thats all you have to do and Ill understand you
perfectly!
Sherry did her part by growing more assertive, challeng-
ing many unfair ways he had structured the marriage to fa-
vor his needs and ignore hers. Yet she kept her gentleness
and caring, I think because she now had hope.
In joint sessions I used mirroring to give Rex and Sherry
video snapshots of how to refine their intellectual, emo-
tional, or physical communication. Mirroring involves tak-
ing a segment of behavior that a counselee has just exhib-
ited, and replaying it back to them as though you are a mir-
ror. As much as possible, you take on the body language, at-
titude, voice tonalities, and words that were used. The effect
is much like seeing themselves on videotape. They can study
and comprehend many of the nuances of how they come
across in real time communication.
And just like with videotape, you can freeze-frame, fast-
forward, or replay any aspect of the behavior for closer ob-
servation. This technique takes counseling out of the limbo
of cognitive verbiage, and breaks down behavior into obser-
vation moments that can be shaped and sculpted to great
effect (for more information, see p. 147-148 in Appendix I).
Mirroring not only helps focus a counselees attention on
some rigid or self-defeating aspect of communication, but
also feeds back to them how they look when they get things
45
rightwhen they communicate with a new level of sincer-

ity, congruity, or creativity.
I utilized mirroring in a session where Rex had slipped
into a high and mighty diatribe against Sherry for locking
their keys in the car. I put my hands into a basketball refe-
rees gesture for a time out. He quieted himself long enough
for me to mirror how he had just come across. Appalled at
seeing his own behavior fed back to him, he apologized and
told Sherry not to worry, that he could call AAA to unlock the
car after the session was over. I stopped him long enough to
mirror that sequence. He beamed with pride at his quick rec-
ognition of the difference between the two versions and how
he had pulled off a genuine growth stretch in record time.
About one year from Rexs first session, Rex and Sherry
felt steady enough to graduate from counseling. Ill never for-
get the warm hug Sherry gave Rex when I said how much I
admired his courage for self-development. He blushed at the
fuss we made over him. But I could tell he loved every min-
ute of it.
Since counseling assertion-stuck individuals can be some-
times daunting, it is good to remember that theylike any-
one elsemake solid strides through inner adjustments of
the Self Compass. They often discover a new world that in-
cludes feeling emotionally connected to others and to God, a
world that opens in proportion to their growth in humility
and caring.
46
5
THAWING OUT THE FROZEN PERSON
There is nothing so beautiful as genuine humility, and

nothing so devastating as depression. The two have in com-
mon the weakness compass point. In the case of humility,
ones occasional weakness is integrated with rhythms of
strength, love, and assertion. In the case of chronic depres-
sion, the Self Compass is stuck on the weakness compass
point, making people captives of the withdrawn trend.
In a nutshell, the withdrawn trend avoids the normal
risks of life by building a protective wall around the self and
not venturing out in any direction. Emotions are deadened.
Thoughts are spacey. The body is numbed. Withdrawn indi-
viduals feel heavy and sluggish, as though thoughts, feelings,
and sensations are on ice. They exist in the slow motion tor-
ment of endless days and restless nights.
The lifestyle of withdrawal is aimed at diminishing self-
doubt and fear of others. However, this tactic backfires and
only intensifies alienation. Drifting without purpose, the per-
sonality stagnates. Social sinews atrophy. Prayer is aban-
doned. Futility overwhelms.
Some people who are trapped in the withdrawn trend find
their way into marginal involvement with some form of
Christian community. They are attracted, I believe, by the
Holy Spirit, who seeks to heal them and awaken a sense of
worth. In fact, most every church, seminary, and Bible study
47
group attracts withdrawn souls. Nevertheless, without able

assistance, many withdrawn people remain paralyzed by
passivity. They can exasperate others by perpetuating a sus-
tained hopelessness that wears people down.
Pastoral counseling is a prime resource for identifying
withdrawn people and guiding them into liberated lives of
personal and relational competence. Even so, progress may
be slow and arduous. It is common for counselors to feel frus-
trated by the withdrawn counselees reluctance to take nec-
essary growth steps, or by the persons unconscious I cant
attitude.
The next two case studies contrast an example of brief in-
tervention with an example of chronic depression that is
seemingly intractable. The first case moves a person forward
by pairing a time shuttling technique with a technique for
teaching emotional modulation. The second case uses narra-
tive synopsis, adjunct medical treatment with an antidepres-
sant, and building a developmental bridge to pave the way
for actualizing growth. To foster a sense of immediacy, I will
relate the first case in the here and now of the present tense.
Goodbye, Peaches
Arthur and Connies forty-year marriage ends suddenly

when she has a stroke and dies in the hospital. A year passes
in which Arthur feels tormented by guilt regarding the cir-
cumstances surrounding her death. Reluctantly, he seeks me
out for counseling.
After we warm up with some small talk, Arthur says, Ill
never forgive myself for leaving Connie the night she died. I
feel so guilty.
When did Connie pass away?
A year ago this month.
How did it happen? (How questions are more produc-
tive than why questions for eliciting elaboration).
She had a stroke that put her into a coma. I visited her
constantly in the hospital. The evening of the third day I had
48
to use the restroom. It was about eight. I had to walk quite a

way to reach the mens room. When I got back about ten after
eight His voice breaks. She was dead! He begins weep-
ing.
I can see that he hasnt worked through his grief, so I qui-
etly encourage his catharsis with a reflective statement. You
felt so terrible about it.
He nods and keeps weeping.
And there wasnt anything you could do.
He shakes his head in despair.
And so you concluded that you had wronged her. Is that
right? (I am reflecting what he is conveying, seeking permis-
sion to enter his inner world).
Arthur takes out a handkerchief and blows his nose.
Thats right. If only Id been there, she wouldve died in
peace. But I wasnt. Ive been depressed ever since. Ill never
get over it. (Here you can see how depressives intensify their
misery by submerging themselves in irrevocable humiliation.
Arthurs self-deprecating cognitions perpetuate his emotional
suffering. And as irrational as his conclusions are, it will do
no good to challenge them by saying, You shouldnt think
that, or, You didnt really do anything wrong).
To help Arthur thaw out his frozen feelings, I decide to
employ the time shuttling technique (see pp. 148-150 in Ap-
pendix I). So it seems inexcusable that you abandoned her
when she needed you the most. Is that right?
Yup. Thats exactly it. I let her down when she needed
me most. (Now he has given me entrance to his deepest core,
where shame and guilt and terror are all knotted up. Per-
haps from here I can help him climb out of the abyss).
I want to ask you a strange question, Arthur. If it were
possible, would you prefer to get over this terrible guilt, or
would you want to keep it the rest of your life?
Arthur looks at me quizzically. I can see him thinking.
Id want to get over it. Its just that everyday its right there,
staring me in the face. (I take this as a yes).
49
I imagine that Connie would want that for you, too. Are
you willing to try a little experiment, something that might
prove valuable?
I suppose so.
Thats a good sign. Sometimes we can do in counseling
what we arent able to do alone. (Without further explana-
tion, I move a chair from across the room directly in front of
him).
Id like you to use your imagination for a moment, and
visual Connie taking a seat in this chair. Shes wearing the
outfit you like the most. Can you see her? (By moving
straight into imagery, I am creating a brain function shift
from Arthurs left neural hemispherewhich controls speech
and cognitionto his right hemisphere, where imagery will
set him free to ponder new possibilities. I activate this im-
agery with an immediate appeal to his unconscious to come
up with what Connie is wearing).
He gazes at the empty chair, then says, Why, shes wear-
ing her gardening outfit. The one she wears to tend all the
flowers in her garden.
What color is it? (I am deepening his unconscious recol-
lection and memory retrieval. As far as the unconscious is
concerned, the image of Connie will become as real as if she
had never died. I want to use this unconscious dynamic to
Arthurs advantage).
Its yellow. I used to kid her that it matched her blond
hair.
Youre doing very well. (Arthur needs this assurance
regularly, now that he is exploring new territory). Now I
wonder if its okay if Connie visits you for a couple of min-
utes. (While I say this, I am looking directly at the empty
chair, with the same body language Id have if Connie were
really sitting there. This may sound complicated, but it
merely replicates what children do when they say, Lets pre-
tend.).
Arthur nods an assent, eyes glued on the empty chair.
50
Okay. What were doing is giving you a chance to tell

Connie whats really on your mind. The very thing shed
want you to do. Do you think you can do that?
Well, I dont know how to start.
Start the way you always did, with the first thing that
comes to mind.
A little veil of tears shows that his emotions are beginning
to warm up. Boy, kiddo, it sure is good to see you again.
Thats a very special start. What does she say back?
He looks and listens. She says its great to see me, too.
Youre doing fine. Now you only have a few minutes to-
gether. What comes next? (Again, I am actively coaching,
since this is unfamiliar territory for him).
He sniffles and blinks. Connie, Honey, Ive been wanting
to explain to you what happened that night you died. He
catches a breath and then he looks at me. I dont think I can
do this.
The reluctance is normal. Who among us wants to make
contact with intense feelings from the loss of a loved one? But
if Arthur doesnt move forward in this encounter, he will
slide backward into the depressive abyss. I know this better
than he does. So I encourage him to move forward by using
an emotional modulation technique (pp. 150-154, Appendix I).
Arthur, Id like to do something that will help unblock
your feelings. With your permission, Ill stand behind you
and place my hands on your shoulders. Then Ill try to put
into words some of the feelings Ive heard you share today.
You can tell me if Im on the right track or not. Is that all
right with you?
Okay.
I take a standing position behind his chair, hands resting
lightly on his shoulders. The purpose of this position is to be
out of his visual range, so that he is able to hear what is said
and experience any feeling it conveys, and determine if it
matches some inner reality. The physical touching of the
shoulders imparts empathy and the support of solidarity,
51
much like the laying on of hands mentioned in scripture.

Helping Arthur to modulate his emotions, I say to Con-
nies image in the empty chair: Im a little afraid to talk to
you, dear. I guess I feel guilty for leaving you alone when you
died. I stop and ask Arthur, Does that sound right?
Yes, he says. Thats right. He looks at the empty chair
and says, I sat in your room for three days. You were pretty
out of it with the drugs they gave you. I held your hand at
night. But that last night I had to go to the toilet(He sniffs
and tears)then I came back and you were gone!
I return to my chair. Thats good sharing, Arthur. What
else comes? You have one more minute. (The reason I am
structuring the time so specifically is to give the realistic
message that Connie is, after all, dead. Yet within the range
of these designated minutes, Arthur is free to communicate
from his depths).
Now fully warmed up, Arthur says with full emotional
resonance, Can you ever forgive me, Connie?
At this point, I rely on another phenomenon of the uncon-
scious. Since hes already told me that they had a wonderful
relationship, I know that she was supportive to him on many
occasions. His unconscious will remember this. So by activat-
ing a facsimile of their typical way of conversing, her imagi-
nary presence will administer the forgiveness that he sorely
needs.
Now give Connie a voice, Arthur. Shes heard your con-
fession and knows about your shame. What does she say
back to you?
Arthur gazes at the empty chair for several seconds, as
though hearing something. A wee smile breaks around the
corners of his mouth. She says that everybody uses the
bathroom and its not a big deal. She says she loves me and
doesnt want me depressed another day.
I smile, too.
One thing about Connie, he says. Once shes got her
mind made up, youd best do as she says.
52
Sounds like pretty good counsel, I say. But its about

time for her to go. How do you feel right now?
I feel lighter, like something heavys been lifted off my
chest.
Okay. Take another minute to wind things up.
Arthur catches Connie up on happenings with the kids
and grandkids. He promises to plant her favorite flowers in
the garden. He finishes by saying what a great companion
shes been, and how hes loved being married to her. Then he
says, Goodbye, Peaches.
That is my cue to move the empty chair across the room
and conclude the role-playing.
This sure isnt what I expected when I came in today, he
says.
Well, I think the main thing is that you took some feel-
ings out of cold storage and gave them new life. Do you have
any questions about what youve experienced?
I feel pretty good. I guess I always wanted to say those
things and didnt know how. So I got everything all balled up
inside. It nearly ate my heart out. But I think I can make it,
now that things are square with Connie.
Arthur and I met once more the following week. He said
that his depression had lifted and that he had been renewing
old friendships, and getting out and about. One of the first
places he visited was a gardening shop, where he purchased
a new trowel for tilling the soil in Connies garden.
Healing a Lifelong Depression
Lets look at a case of chronic weakness-stuck behavior,

the kind in which counseling requires adjunct treatment with
antidepressant medication.
At thirty-five, Nicole was trapped in a marginal life with
tunnel vision, numbed out feelings, and practically no rela-
tionships despite her regular church attendance.
She lived at home and stayed in her bedroom watching
television when not working nights in a part-time babysitting
53
job. One day she came across a book mine, where she gained
her first exposure to the Self Compass. She thought to her-
self: My compass is broken. Im stuck in weakness and cant
get out.
Nicole had sought counseling with two therapists and a
pastoral counselor without any enduring change. They had
all agreed that she didnt have much of a life. Some reflected
her feelings and others suggested making changes in her
thought life. No one suggested a medical evaluation for pos-
sible adjunct treatment with an antidepressant.
As I have stated before, Compass Therapy includes awak-
ening ones whole human nature, and therefore gives equal
emphasis to mental, emotional, physiological, and spiritual
aspects of functioning. In a first session with Nicole, I noted
that her mental capability was severely truncated with self-
demeaning thoughts. Her feelings were more childlike than
adultfussing, whining, grumping. Her body sagged with
fatigue and lifelessness. Though she believed in God, her
prayer life was nil.
In the second session, I encouraged Nicole to tell her fam-
ily doctor about what she had described as a lifetime of de-
pression. I explained that taking medication for depression
was like wearing glasses when you needed them; that if the
physician agreed with me that she need an antidepressant, it
could help boost her energy and lift the mental fog.
Though I sought to explore more about Nicoles life his-
tory in the third session, I kept running aground of her pre-
occupations with how bad she felt. I decided to turn those
preoccupations into her first growth stretchher first action
step toward building a better life. I suggested that she create
a narrative synopsis of her life for our next session. She
balked at this, saying that depression was the only thing she
had ever known. So I encouraged her to write down a sum-
mary of her depressive thoughts.
In the next session, I was amazed to read the list she had
constructed. She had summarized her life history in succinct
54
one-liners: My days all run together. My world is small. I

wonder if Ill ever be free. How long will I have to hide this? I
feel like a bum. I feel like Im suffocating. Nothing feels right.
Im tired of waiting for things to get better because they
never do. Sometimes I dont sleep much. I am a robot or a
zombie. I am so detached from people and from life. Every
day is so long. I dont know what to do with myself. My mind
is like mush. Im afraid someone will ask me a question and I
wont know the answer. I have no life and theres nobody to
talk to. I dont want to die like this. This is endless. I dont
know what to do. I am a mess. Things feel and look impossi-
ble. Nobody knows what this is like. I cant have relation-
ships like other people do. My mind is foggy. Am I ever going
to feel better? I dont feel close to anyone. Why does God
leave me in such misery?
This, at least, gave us a concrete beginning. She was en-
trusting me with her wasteland of inner desolation. I read
her words back to her, remarking now and then on certain
statements that rang true in my own lifeespecially the
times when I had known loneliness or despair. She perked up
when I shared how moved I was by her poetry of the soul. I
suggested that, like many great people throughout human
history, she was expressing a passionate quest for ultimate
meaning, and that she couldnt stand the barrenness of life in
solitary confinement.
Building a Developmental Bridge
In the fifth session, I explored more of Nicoles life, search-

ing for anythingno matter how insignificantthat she had
enjoyed at some point. After thirty minutes of telling me doz-
ens of things shed never done (Ive never had a date; Ive
never been to a football game; Ive never completed a degree;
Ive never had a lasting friendship), she disclosed the one
thing I was searching for. She said, When I was a little girl, I
liked coloring.
55
At last I had found a beachhead where we could begin this

womans journey to a life worth living.
Nicole, I wonder if you can buy a coloring book this week
and color several pages before our next session. Id love to see
your style.
She smiled shyly. I havent done that in almost thirty
years! Okay.
Over the next two sessions, Nicole shared many freshly
crayoned pages. I noticed that the first ones were rendered in
pale pastels. Only gradually did she begin to select brighter
and bolder hues.
I think of this process as developmental bridge-building
because you literally look for the last successful thing the
counselee has done and pick up the thread of psychosocial
development from there. By re-stimulating the original inter-
est and success the person once felt, you provide a foothold
for stepping forward toward the eventual mastery of devel-
opmental tasks.
When you are working with adults, you have the added
advantage of abstract thinking and a potentially high learn-
ing curve. Once their motivation is awakened and reinforced
with verbal praise, you can walk them step-by-step through
the developmental skills they have lacked until they emerge
as more whole and maturing persons.
Of course, this kind of counseling can feel exasperating, at
least for me. But in many cases it is the only thing that will
help.
By the seventh session, the antidepressant her physician
had prescribed began to take effect. Nicole was able to con-
centrate on our conversations and understand, among other
things, how to use her Self Compass. We started focusing our
energies on how to develop her social skills and master life
situations that had formerly triggered panic attacks.
During the next nine months, I helped Nicole learn how to
initiate and terminate conversations, invite people into po-
tential friendships, develop realistic social expectations, ne-
56
gotiate for a needed pay increase, handle her first job inter-
view, balance her checkbook, pray on a daily basis, work out
at a gym, think about dating, and make plans to get her own
apartment. This wasnt psychologically sophisticated stuff,
but simply plodding forward one problem at a time.
One year after our first session, Nicole had secured a new
job as a teacher in a daycare facility, joined a Bible study and
prayer group, made some friends at her church, enjoyed sev-
eral successful dates with the same fellow, and moved into
her own placeall from the humble beginning of a coloring
book and an appropriate medical prescription.
With the freedom from depression that came from the
combination of medication, prayer, exercise, and her evolving
psychosocial skills, Nicole felt more able to take the normal
risks of life. She gained poise in handling some inevitable
setbacks. She learned how to catch herself when she started
slipping into her old negative thinking. We worked on how
she could reframe down-putting thoughts into more resource-
ful ideas. This wasnt easy.
As it turned out, Nicole had a wonderful intelligence and
a gifted way of relating to little children and their parents.
Compass theory would suggest that this newfound interper-
sonal sensitivity grew out of her prolonged suffering on the
weakness compass point, a redemptive gift of the Holy Spirit.
Today Nicole is three years into her new life beyond de-
pression. Her only lapse came when she assumed that she no
longer needed the prescription and quit taking it. The debili-
tating depression that ensued sufficiently convinced her that,
at least in her case, an antidepressant is essential for psycho-
logical and spiritual health.
Im going to be honest about the frustrations I felt in
counseling Nicole. The hundreds of times in the first months
that she derogated herself left me wondering if I had any-
thing of value to give her. And when she got off the medica-
tion and interrupted the promising life she and the Lord had
established, I felt discouraged. I told her so. Fortunately, she
57
went back to her physician.

On balance, Ive had to face my limitations in helping
people who suffer from depression. It seems there is no easier
treatment plan than plodding forward, one step at a time. I
dont mind saying that Ive often been driven to my knees in
prayer when my feelings of weakness as a therapist have
needed strengthening. By the same token, I have never had
more appreciative counselees than the ones whove recovered
from being stuck on the weakness compass point in the black
hole of depression.
By helping weakness-stuck counselees activate their
strength, assertion, and love compass points, and by encour-
aging adjunct medical treatment when depression is chronic,
you can assist depressed people in thawing out and develop-
ing resurrected lives. Thank God you are there for them.
58
6
LIBERATION FROM THE CURSE OF PERFECTION
Ordinarily, Western culture and Christian culture are in

agreement that personal confidence is an admirable asset.
Strength of character, it is supposed, leads to perseverance,
discipline, and purpose. What is seldom understood, though,
is how often the strength-stuck person is preoccupied with
controlling the self, others, and God.
In a first interview, it is fairly easy to spot when the con-
trolling trend is dominating someones personality. The coun-
selee has poise, and usually good verbal and cognitive skills.
But there is a lack of emotional spontaneity, since a control-
ler lives out of the mind, not out of the heart.
This makes sense when you grasp that the controlling
trend perceives feelings as disruptive to the logic and pre-
dictability that thoughts and beliefs provide. Feelings flow
from the limbic center of the brain and have much more of a
visceral component than do thoughts or acts of will. Control-
lers numb feelings in an effort to control them. They often
override their actual feelings with mental mandates about
what they should be thinking or doing: a kind of hardening
of the oughteries.
Whereas thoughts reflect a persons assumptions and ex-
pectations, feelings reflect their more private and emotion-
ally colored perceptions at any given moment. If you want to
exercise self-control the way controllers do, you repress your
59
feelings, even denying them when they run counter to how

you think you should behave. This leaves you out of touch
with your own depthswith your heart and bodybecause
feelings and sensations are more akin to the spontaneity of
the unconscious than to the structure of consciousness.
Hence, controllers are in the dark about parts of their own
experience. They have blind spots when it comes to emotion,
sensation, interpersonal intuition, and inner guidance from
the Holy Spirit.
I once saw a cartoon that captured the dilemma of the
controller and the dark waters in which they steam forward.
It pictured an ocean liner on a collision course with an ice-
berg. The captain is peering from the bow through binocu-
lars, and though he sees the tip of the iceberg, he completely
underestimates its mass underneath the waves. The tip of
the iceberg is labeled consciousness. The ninety-percent of
the iceberg that lies below the surface is labeled the uncon-
scious. And the name painted on the side of the ship? H.M.S.
Rational Control.
Awakening the Controllers Whole Human Nature
Compass Therapybased as it is on an actualizing psy-

chology of the whole personplaces as much value on feel-
ings and sensations, or inner subjectivity, as it does on cogni-
tion and volition, the objective aspects of behavior.
The challenge in counseling a strength-stuck person is to
avoid becoming enmeshed in a maze of logical but unfruitful
speculations about the presenting problem. A certain amount
of rational analysis is helpful for determining what is trigger-
ing the symptom and what is holding it in place. Beyond
that, it is essential to shift to a more experiential mode of
therapeutic encounter, a methodology that integrates cogni-
tion with emotion and sensation.
So the counseling aim is double-pronged: to assist in re-
solving the presenting problem or symptom, while at the
same time teaching counselees to value their feelings and
60
sense perceptions as highly as their thoughts. This often in-

volves liberating counselees from the curse of perfection,
which I define as the realization that you arent perfect, ac-
companied by an expectation that with more effort you
COULD (and therefore SHOULD) be perfect.
A case in point involves a man who was a priest by voca-
tion. Father Alberto had read about the Self Compass and
wanted help applying it to a particular problem. We had a
total of four sessions.
Im going to describe a segment of the third session in the
here-and-now of the present tense. In this session I used the
techniques of behavioral rehearsal, meaning attribution, and
muscle melting. This particular segment demonstrates how
sometimes several techniques can be linked together to
achieve an overall therapeutic aim.
The Mysterious Headaches
We are in the beginning of a third session. So far Father

Alberto has sought to convince me that he is a very compe-
tent priest who gets along fine with three other clergy where
he lives. I assure him that I see his strengths and talents,
and ask if there is anything else on his mind.
Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, a slight flush rising to
his cheeks, he says, Dr. Dan, youre probably not going to
believe me when I say that I get so self-conscious during the
Mass that I often end up with a headache.
Father, I say, I believe you completely. I want to com-
pliment you on stating the problem so clearly. Headaches are
the bodys way of voicing tension. Have you had a medical
checkup about this? (When there is physical pain involved, it
is always advisable to recommend a physical exam to check
for tumors, hormone abnormalities, or diseases. By the same
token, as Freud suggested, some physical symptoms are cre-
ated through the mishandling of emotions. Usually these in-
ner conflicts are hidden from consciousness. They must be
teased out in the counseling process).
61
Ive had yearly physicals and even a CAT scan. The doc-
tor says nothing is physically wrong, except that maybe I
need a vacation. He laughs.
What intrigues me, I say, is what you say about the
headaches being selective. Its like they have a mind of their
own, choosing to afflict you during Mass. (Here I am warm-
ing him up to the idea that unconscious forces may be at
workdynamics beyond his rational power of control).
Thats true. Ive never understood it. I only get them dur-
ing Mass. I feel fine right before, but then it happens any-
way.
How long has this been going on?
Ever since I was ordained and said my first public Mass,
he says sheepishly. About twelve years.
And youve never mentioned this to anyone?
Its too embarrassing. Im a priest and Im supposed to
enjoy saying the Mass. Its a great privilege. What if people
knew that Mass was giving me a headache? (Father Alberto
is revealing his hardening of the oughteries. He has inter-
nalized a set of shoulds, not realizing that these rigid ex-
pectations are creating and perpetuating his bodily tension.
Even if I could convince him of this truth, it would not neces-
sarily bring relief. He needs to learn how to loosen up his
body and his heart; to replace striving to control life with a
holistic trust in the spontaneous experience of life).
I see your point, I say, smiling. But in counseling we
must deal with what is, and the fact is that saying Mass
causes you anxiety. When does the tension start and how do
you first feel it? (I am beginning to draw out the feeling
component of the issue, and to deepen his awareness of what
directly precedes each headache. I assume that for twelve
years he has been inattentive to his real feelings during the
Mass, because the controlling trend stays in tact by excluding
emotions).
Well, he says, I walk down the aisle to the altar. There
is a sense of excitement. But when I step up to the platform
62
something happens. Theres this tension in my neck. Then

when Im arranging the communion wafers for consecration
my hands get stiff and start trembling. Before long theres a
knot in my neck. By the end of the Mass my temples are
pounding.
(Notice how he is describing all of these sensations as
though they are external events that happen to him. This is a
defense mechanism known as externalization. As long as
these sensations appear as foreign things that happen to
him, he doesnt have to take responsibility for creating them.
But this truth is double-edged. As long as he doesnt take re-
sponsibility for creating his own muscle tension, he will re-
main powerless to control or reduce it).
Okay, I say. Lets act this out.
(I am employing the technique of behavioral rehearsal. I
decide to go through some of the external motions of Mass, so
that Father Alberto can have a safe emergency, allowing us
to study its components together. By creating the actual pre-
cursors of the headache, we can explore the mental processes
that trigger it. In instances like this, it is more helpful to
simulate the real life situation than it is to endlessly talk
about the symptom. Also, in role-playing a situation, the un-
conscious brings forth the emotions and physical sensations
that occur in the actual situation. The unconscious is more
primitive than consciousness and cannot differentiate be-
tween a simulated situation and the real event. For further
exploration of this technique, see pages 154-156 in Appendix
I).
Clearing off my desk, I ask Father Alberto to arrange our
coffee cups and saucers as though they represent the bread
and wine. (He has no trouble with this, but if he had seen it
as somehow sacrilegious, I would have suggested that thera-
peutic healing always serves Christs will, and would have
recommended that we continue).
Lets pretend its next Sunday, I say. I want you to
walk across the room to this desk. The walking represents
63
coming down the aisle toward the altar. Stepping in front of

the desk represents mounting the platform and approaching
the altar. Tell me what your body is doing and what your
thoughts are at each moment.
Father Alberto carries out my instructions. I feel fine
walking to the altar, he says. But as soon as he stands directly
in front of the desk, he blurts out, Uh-oh. My neck just tight-
ened up. Its happening. (Here we are encountering the mys-
tery of the headaches. He cannot do this alone, because some-
thing inside his personality is blocking his awareness. But in
the relative safety of a therapeutic alliance, he can move into
this dread-filled territory).
Good, I say. Counseling is the place to have a safe emer-
gency. Nothing bad can happen here. Were going to liberate
you from this tension. But first, what are you thinking right
now?
Im thinking that all the people are watching me. They ex-
pect me to go through this whole procedure perfectly. If I make
a single mistakeif Im off in my placement of anything by a
fraction of an inchtheyll consider me a failure! (Aha. The
blocked piece of awareness reveals itself as the curse of perfec-
tion: the expectation that he should carry out a perfect ritual.
This preoccupation is what takes his mind off the people and
the Lord, and fills his body with the dread of imperfection).
So its like youre a defendant in a courtroom and the peo-
ple are the jury. One slip-up and off with your head! Is that
right? (I formulate the dilemma into a clear-cut analogy, add-
ing a touch of humor to counter his fear. Humor born from ex-
aggerating the preoccupation with perfection to an absurd de-
gree helps give counselees breathing room to become more
human. In this use of humor, persons are not held up as ridicu-
lous, which would be devastating to them. Rather, they are en-
couraged to see more clearly the impossible demands they are
making on themselves).
Yes. Thats exactly how I feel. My head is starting to
throb.
64
Okay, Father, I say. I want you to think back over your

lifeclear back to a time in childhood when you had this same
feeling. (Here I begin a shuttle into the past, looking for its
unconscious connection to the present symptom. But notice
that this isnt a mere intellectual exercise. Because he is living
the conflict right now, his body and emotions will guide us
more faithfully to the true memories that are triggering his
present neck and shoulder tension).
Father Alberto furrows his brow. I used to feel this way in
the presence of my mother. He reaches back and touches his
neck, an unconscious reflex that enacts how his neck was on
the chopping block. Mom was very exacting. I had to do eve-
rything just right or shed criticize me. She wasnt a mean per-
son. Just a perfectionist. (There we have the curse of perfec-
tion in a nutshell. It always amazes me when people suddenly
describe exactly what ails them. This priceless self-discovery
is the essence and fulcrum of transformative growth).
So youd stiffen your neck and shoulders around her?
Yes. Sometimes Id get a headache. (He is still one step
removed from saying, Sometimes Id give myself a headache
about her criticism. I want to help him take this proactive
step by offering an interpretation. This cognitive technique
brings into a persons awareness new considerations about
what might underlie their problem and account for its persis-
tence. Interpretations should be offered as tentative hypothe-
ses rather than final statements. For additional information,
see pp. 156-157 in Appendix I).
Do you see what happens when you say Mass, Father?
When you enter the church in the procession, you feel relaxed
because you are with the people. You know they like you be-
cause you serve them well. But as soon as you get on the plat-
form, your mothers voice takes over. Unconsciously, you see
her looking over your shoulder and criticizing the slightest
mistake. You project her image out onto the congregation and
assume that people are eyeing you with critical judgment.
(I offer this fully-faceted interpretation because Father
65
Alberto has responded well to the rapport weve established.

If he had been more tentative, then I would have offered the
interpretation in smaller portions so as not to overwhelm or
alarm him. The rule of thumb here is: use tact and tentative-
ness in offering an interpretation. Pay attention to whether
or not the counselee believes it is feasible. If the counselee
rejects the interpretation, back off immediately. Shift into
emotional reflection to re-establish rapport. Express a will-
ingness to modify your tentative hypothesis as exploration
and discovery continues.).
Thats exactly what I do, he says. I believe that theyre
thinking thoughts like, Father Alberto isnt really compe-
tent. Hes a nice guy, but louses up the rituals.
Okay, I say, so pretend youre back in church now and
look out at the people. Let that sofa represent the congrega-
tion.
Father Alberto lifts his eyes and gazes at the sofa.
Now imagine that your neck is a wet noodle. Let it go
limp. Let your shoulders melt. Take a few deep breaths. (I
am moving straight into the technique of muscle melting,
targeting the trapezium muscle that connects neck and
shoulders. I know from physiological psychology that tensing
this muscle constricts veins and capillaries, and increases the
blood pressure on the temporal arteries, thereby producing
the pounding sensation of a vascular headache. For more in-
formation, see pp. 157-159 in Appendix I).
He lets his upper torso hang more loosely. He is literally
learning how to transform an uptight body into a body that
can relax and enjoy life. I can see that he is shifting from
shallow thoracic breathing to deeper abdominal breathing, a
very good sign.
Now shut your eyes and tell me how the people really
feel about you.
A tear flows down his cheek and he wipes it away. They
love me, he says. I get lots of invitations over for dinner. (I
hear a new vulnerability in his voice, along with a softer
66
warmth and resonance. This represents the integration of the

weakness and love compass points into his personality
awareness).
And honestly, do these people expect you to be perfect? I
ask.
No. They all know Im no theological giant. Im just a
simple priest who wants to do Gods will.
Breathe deeply and take in the truth of your own words,
I say. Recognize that your mothers image of perfectionism is
off-base and out-dated. It doesnt represent peoples actual
experience of you. Feel free to be your real self with a simple
love in your heart as you say Mass. What are you feeling
right now?
I feel goodI feel accepted. I feel like I want to get on
with the Mass. He opens his eyes. Im kind of excited.
(This is the natural excitement that often accompanies actu-
alizing growth. It reflects that the muscle tension required to
hold inner conflicts out of consciousness is no longer neces-
sary. This freed up energy is available for creative living, and
usually manifests itself as the phenomenological sense of lib-
erty and aliveness. Notice, too, that Father Alberto has
moved around the Self Compass, expressing love, assertion,
and humble strength. The rigidity of the controlling trend is
undergoing metamorphosis into the rhythm of self-
actualization in Christ).
Go ahead and finish up the Mass. (I am now moving to-
ward emotional closure for this session. I want us to complete
the growth stretches and end up in a place of relative peace,
if possible).
He goes through the motions of the remainder of the
Mass. There is a gracefulness to his actions, even tenderness.
He seems caught in a spirit of worship, and I myself feel the
presence of the Lord. I suddenly recall a scripture that says,
Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. When he
has finished, he looks over at me, eyes shining.
What have you discovered? I ask. (I do this because it is
67
very effective for counselees to express new experiences in

their own words).
Father Alberto grins. That Im not a little boy any more.
That parishioners accept me as I am. That I dont have to pay
attention to Moms critical voice in my head. That the Lord
wants me to relax and enjoy celebrating the Mass. (This is
an unusually articulate summary. I attribute it to Father Al-
bertos good education and verbal acumen. On the other
hand, Ive heard counselees with lesser degrees of sophistica-
tion come up with equally poignant summaries).
Well said. I recommend that you write down these new
thoughts when you get home, and that you soak up the re-
laxed sensations in your body. We want to make this a more
reliable part of your daily life. Are you aware of anything
else?
Yes, but Im not sure I can say it. Its like when Im my
real self at the altar and dont need to impress anybody, I en-
joy what Im doing. I never knew how much self-
consciousness was holding me back.
Thats plenty of insight for one session, I conclude. Id
like you to lead us in prayer, and then apply what youve
learned to Mass next Sunday. We can talk over what hap-
pens during our next session.
We bow our heads. Father, he says softly, thank you
that I feel more relaxed in your presence. Help me enjoy lead-
ing your people in worship next Sunday. Bless Dr. Dan. In
the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
When we met the following week, Father Alberto reported
that our experiment had worked. In that Sundays Mass his
body remembered how to relax. His mind caught the critical
voice of his mother and told her to be quiet. His heart felt
warmed by the grace of Christ and the love he felt coming to
him from the parishioners. Most significantly, there was no
headache.
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When counselees are stuck on the strength compass

pointstriving to achieve perfectionist aims, controlling life
instead of surrendering to it, or trying to live up to a litany of
shouldsthe compass model can help them see the need for
a humble acceptance of imperfection (the weakness compass
point), and a more vigorous appreciation of the whole self,
warts and all (the love compass point).
By combining mental and bodily relaxation, the curse of
perfection gradually yields to the freedom to grow, a lesson
that may need learning many times through life. The re-
wards are great, though, because one gains a self-esteem
based on acknowledging ones feet of clay. There is usually
the spiritual fruit of inner peace as well. However tenta-
tively, one learns to replace the tense struggle to impress
God with a more tender trust in God as a friend who is
trustworthy and supportive.
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7
THE ACTUALIZING ASCENT
Compass Therapy is grounded in a compass psychotheol-

ogy of hope and transformation. The counselor accepts a
humble role in the healing and development of individuals,
akin to Paul when he wrote: I planted, Apollos watered, but
God gave the growththe one who plants and the one who
waters have a common purposefor we are Gods servant,
working together (1 Cor 3:6-9).
The tools of Compass Therapy include the Self Compass,
the human nature compass (mind and heart, body and
spirit), a repertoire of techniques for therapeutic interven-
tion, the personality of the counselor, and an active trust in
the Lord during and beyond sessions. In the healing alliance
the counselor and counselee are not just working to solve
presenting problems, but growing together as persons along
lifes way. Through the counselors transparent radiation of
caring and courage, humility and esteem, the counselee ex-
periences the interpersonal dimension of self-actualizing in
Christ.
This brings us to a diagram that helps inspire counselees
with an overview for their lifetime growth in Christ: The
Actualizing Ascent. Upon showing the diagram to a coun-
selee, you might say, This represents the human lifespan.
71
Psychological and
Spiritual Ascent:
Caring & Courage,
Humility & Esteem
High
Noon Bodily
Decline
Morning of Life: Afternoon of Life:
Childhood, Grandparenting,
Adolescence, Retirement,
Adult Responsibilities Aging
Birth Midlife Death
The Actualizing Ascent
You explain that the first half of the curve slopes upward,
which represents human development from birth to midlife.
The tasks of this phase of life include the acquisition of lan-
guage and culture, education, experimentation with social
roles, identity formation, employment, and marriage and
childrearing if so chosen.
As shown by the curves peak, the middle vertical line
designates the high noon of midlife, and sometimes precipi-
tates an identity crisis as people shift from the morning to
the afternoon of life. While ambition and ego satisfaction
characterize the morning of human development, the after-
noon of life requires a more interior search for meaning,
wholeness, and interpersonal fulfillment. Carl Jung reported
that virtually all of his patients in the second half of life were
grappling with religious concerns.19
Though an individual may get by the first half of life
without cultivating actualizing virtues, the lack of develop-
72
THE ACTUALIZING ASCENT
ment in the second half of life can lead to confusion, frustra-

tion and despair. Its almost as if God imbues aging with the
power to arrest everyones attentionto finally say, Look.
You really are finite and temporal! Youd better grow in me
while there is still time, for without me, you will be nothing.
The down-sloped side of the lifespan curve shows the in-
exorable decline of bodily health and stamina. Wear and tear
in the body shows up in wrinkling skin, slowed metabolism,
sagging muscles, stiffened joints, vulnerability to disease,
and eventually, diminished mental capacities.
For those who refuse to challenge their rigid personality
trends during this time, these trends intensify and take a
tragic toll. Aggressive people become crankier and more bel-
ligerent, ever more paranoid and chronically suspicious. In-
dividuals stuck in dependency feel more anxiety-ridden and
scattered. Withdrawn persons shrivel up like leather left out
in the sun too longthey adapt to low-bottom levels of sub-
sistence, barely getting by and avoiding most if not all hu-
man contact. Controlling people grow obsessively worried
about the things they cant control, raising their blood pres-
sure and shortening their tempers.
The goods news, though, is that people can grow increas-
ingly wise, patient, and mature in the second half of life. This
is represented by the upward-sloped dotted curve, you ex-
plain, which shows a persons potential for actualizing psy-
chological and spiritual growth. Indeed, Christians are
blessed to know that Christ will help them become more
whole through anything they face, and will personally wel-
come them to everlasting life at the moment of death.
Compass Therapy encourages continued growth and de-
velopment throughout life. You explain to counselees that in-
dividuals who begin growing psychologically and spiritually
in their thirties, forties, or fifties tend to keep growing in
their sixties, seventies, and beyond. Since the human per-
sonality is malleable, exercising the LAWS of personality
(love and assertion; weakness and strength) and the compass
73
virtues (caring and courage; humility and esteem) promote

health and fulfillment even into old age.
Perhaps the single most important attitude that Compass
Therapy seeks to impart is that change is normal and the
need for growth common to all. Equipped with this perspec-
tive, stagnation is forsaken in favor of the ongoing transfor-
mation of ones personality and relationships, conjoined with
a deepening trust in the Holy Spirits help and guidance.
When counselees internalize this model for hope and trans-
formation, they learn to face the coming years with increased
flexibility and resourcefulness.
The Actualizing Ascent diagram helps counselees see
the importance of exchanging rigidity for rhythm, egocentric-
ity for actualizing development, manipulation for authentic-
ity, and personality idiosyncrasies for compass virtues.
In this way, the invitation of Christ, the witness of the
counselor, and the vision of the counselee converge in the
pursuit of a life lived gracefully, accruing in wholeness and
purpose. Though there are quintessential tough times and
challenging adversities, the overall direction is toward an ac-
tualizing ascent in Jesus Christ.
74
8
ANATOMY OF A COUNSELING SESSION
Weve been looking at the big picture of how the compass

model and the compass virtues can nurture actualizing
growth over the lifespan. Now Id like to zoom in on a generic
counseling sessionwhether in brief counseling or long-term
psychotherapyand suggest some dynamics that can con-
tribute to your effectiveness.
Compass Therapy asserts that individual sessions are
most productive when they orchestrate three interlocking
phases into a dynamic unified whole. The three phases con-
sist of a warm-up that leads to action and is followed by clo-
sure. The warm-up constitutes the first segment of the ses-
sion and is characterized by greeting, listening, and empa-
thetically reflecting the counselees thoughts and feelings.
The middle segment of the session provides the action com-
ponent that addresses a current problem in ways that facili-
tate growth and change. The last segment concerns the coun-
selees assimilation of learning, and can be described as a de-
liberate calming designed to consolidate therapeutic gains
and promote emotional closure.
Stated in terms of a logical process, the counselor seeks
to:
Establish and maintain rapport with the coun-

selee.
75
Discern what the counselee feels motivated to

explore.
Zero in on a concrete aim achievable within the
action phase.
Implement skills and techniques that facilitate
counselee growth.
Promote emotional closure toward the end of the
session so that the counselee can re-enter life
with a degree of equanimity.
Guide the session so that it complements the
larger framework of the agreed-upon treatment
plan.
Here is a visual schema that tracks the intensity of en-

ergy aroused and expanded during a session.
Peak Learning
Working Through
Intensity Technique
of Application
Energy Contemplation
Problem Selection Debriefing
Reflection Willing Courage
Greeting
WARM-UP ACTION CLOSURE
Warming Up
During the warm-up, the counselor isnt thinking, What

can I say that will enlighten my counselee? but rather,
What concerns this person most today? What action can I
initiate that will help develop unfamiliar and unused parts of
76
the self? What growth experiments might promote greater

resourcefulness? How can I bring this person into more ful-
filling contact with others and with God? What imbalance in
the Self Compass is helping to perpetuate the problem at
hand?
In any given counseling session, the warm-up provides
time to move from building rapport through an exploration of
presenting problems and into problem selection. How are
you doing this week? What would you like us to focus on to-
day? Lets choose the most important issue and work on
that.
You look for a bite-sized portion of therapeutic work that
can contribute to the counselees evolving success in coping
with life. You dont let the conversation meander. Nor do you
overly manage it. You follow the emotional energy that
builds from the counselees disclosure of troublesome issues.
You ponder ways to shape this energy into a peak of concen-
trated learning. You rule out competing issues that will dis-
sipate the sessions time and energy if they arent condensed
into one predominate aim.
Lets say that Mary is summarizing the events of the past
week. Our dog Heidi had another convulsion this week. I
took her to the vet. He gave me some new medication. He
said shes getting up in years and doesnt have much time
left. If the seizures get much worse, I may need to put her to
sleep. That would just crush me. And my sister called with
more bad news about her divorce. Her husband is treating
her so mean. I am worried sick she wont get enough of a set-
tlement to live on.
You notice that when Mary speaks of Heidi, her eyes mo-
mentarily tear. When she describes the sister, her voice is
more composed. You enlist her aid in zeroing in on what can
be dealt with in this one particular session.
Am I right in sensing that youre dreading that Heidi
might die soon?
Yes, she says, her eyes again tearing. I got Heidi thir-
77
teen years ago. She is like a daughter. I cant imagine losing

her.
Now you have the direction you need for the session. You
make a mental note to table the divorcing sister issue for a
future session.
But you may have read Mary wrong. When you start guid-
ing the session toward the dying pet, she might say: Actu-
ally, I think I can handle whats happening with Heidi. I
know that she cant be with me forever. But what tears me
up inside is whats happening to my sister. I hardly slept last
night.
By probing to see where Marys energy is early in the ses-
sion, you can follow her lead. View it as a series of forks in
the road. Counselees bring up issues conjoined with a fair
number of side concerns. You exercise executive function by
choosing which forks in the road to follow, thereby eliminat-
ing competing directions. If you dont actively shape the di-
rection, the session can drift and run amok.
Time Competence
It is important to watch the flow of time as a session pro-

gresses. Counselors who havent learned this lesson let time
slip by. Like a Graham cracker dipped in a glass of milk, the
session turns soggy and falls apart.
Once when Carl Rogers was in his eighties, I talked with
him about structuring time in a therapeutic session. Even
though he had founded the approach known as client-
centered therapy (which provides little or no structure during
a session), he said that counselor input in guiding the session
was considerably more important than he had originally
thoughtthat counselors needed to use assertion as well as
empathy in the flow of a session.
If you dont take charge of time continuity, youre likely to
go overtime and get stuck playing catch-up with each new
counselee. This creates needless frustration.
78
What you want is a rhythmic balance between spontane-

ity and structure that empowers you to integrate a coun-
selees felt need with the disciplined use of time. For this
purpose, I recommend hanging a wall clock a couple of feet
above the counselees head, perhaps next to an attractive
oil painting. This way you can observe the flow of time
without distracting the counselee.
Once the counselee is warmed-up and you have selected
a single significant issue, you move into the sessions action
phase.
Action
In producing a film, a director signals everyone when

there has been enough rehearsal. A bell rings and the direc-
tor calls out, Action! The budget and shooting schedule
are limiting factors within which the director hopes to
evoke heartfelt performances from the actors.
Counselees, too, have constraints on time and finances.
Your habit of spending the majority of each session engaged
in forward moving action maximizes their investment in
counseling. As soon as you have gathered enough informa-
tion to bring an issue into sharp focus, you think, Action.
Action means exploring a problem from new angles,
stimulating counselees use of new dimensions of their per-
sonalities and human nature, facilitating an emotional ca-
tharsis, modeling new coping skills, role-playing creative
ways to handle a situation, and a hundred other methods
for intensifying the learning of new attitudes and behavior.
For Mary, during a session in which she is especially
preoccupied with the looming loss of her pet, you say,
Okay. I know you are feeling very sad that Heidi is getting
weaker. I wonder if we might do a future projection tech-
nique about her passing. Can you pretend for a moment
that we are talking this time next year? Along the way,
Heidi has died. Youve adjusted. Now tell me, have you got-
ten a new pet? Or have you decided to use the free time for
79
you and your husband to do some traveling?

Do you see how new movement is initiated? With this or a
dozen other leads, the action will evoke new perceptions and
new trial behaviors about the working issue. As Mary re-
sponds to such a technique, you may discover that she has
made her world too small. Perhaps she has unwittingly over-
invested in Heidi and under-invested in her husband. Thats
part of her fear, you realize. She and Fred will be alone to-
gether, and they dont know how to communicate. Out of this
discovery emerges a new action topic for exploration in a fu-
ture session.
At any rate, by using the action portion of the session to
expand Marys horizons, you help her leave every session with
something concrete to contemplate and a particular part of her
personality exercised. Over the course of counseling, small in-
crements of growth add up to substantial therapeutic gains.
Even if a session goes flat, you can trust the overall process.
You may wish to integrate prayer for assisting Marys
anxiety as part of the unfolding action. You say, Mary, I won-
der if you might try sharing your fears with God right now.
Mary compresses her lips. I dont know. Ive never prayed
about Heidi.
Lets try a short experiment. Let this empty chair repre-
sent God. God wants to hear about the tough time youve been
having with Heidi lately. Try talking to the Lord about whats
going on for you.
Mary looks at the chair, takes a breath, and starts convers-
ing with God. Her body language, tone of voice, and language
construction reveal a host of details about her perceptions of
God. This shows you whether she feels distant or close to God,
whether she experiences God like a formal statesman or as a
loving Daddy.
You discover many clues about peoples inner perceptions
and what they need for greater wholeness when you employ
effective action techniques.
But watch the clock on the wall. In a fifty-minute hour,
80
you apportion about ten minutes for warming-up, thirty

minutes for action, and ten minutes for emotional closure. By
developing a relaxed vigilance regarding time, you learn to
shape the counselees energy toward a meaningful climax.
You ignore irrelevancies, redirect tangential statements, and
summarize surprise discoveriesall with an eye toward mov-
ing the action forward to a purposeful peak.
As soon as the action is complete, you think, Cut! Not
that dramatically, of coursebut exactly that efficiently.
Closure
An effective way to move into closure is by finding a natu-

ral breakpoint in the last ten minutesa place where you can
say, This is a good stopping point. I dont want us to open up
another issue. Id rather you soak up the experience you just
had. You are using a principle drawn from physiological psy-
chology: by drawing attention to the main action of the ses-
sion, you help the persons brain more successfully transfer
learning from short-term to long-term memory. But if you
broach a new topic, or let the person talk indiscriminately
right up until stopping time, then a good part of what has
been learned can be lost.
If you have just been working with strong feelings such as
anger or despair, then you need the last ten minutes to debrief
the counselee by talking about the emotional experience. I
know that your pain (or anger, or anxiety) was especially in-
tense today. But it is through facing our feelings that we learn
what they are and how they can eventually help us. It is natu-
ral to feel a little vulnerable right now. But you are doing the
right thing by getting in touch with these feelings.
Or if there was a surprising or shocking cognitive insight,
you might debrief by saying, That was a very important in-
sight into why you react so negatively to authority figures
and how it connected back to how your dad treated you. These
types of insights are especially valuable. You dont need to act
on it right away. Just take some time to digest it this week.
81
Because counselees are still emotionally involved in what

they are saying as a session ends, you can orient them that
time is almost up by reaching for your scheduling book.
Usually, they will respond to this visual cue by finishing up
what they are saying. If they make no attempt to conclude,
you can sit on the edge of your chair in preparation to stand
up. Some counselees need strong signals because they lack
an off switch for concluding, or because they feel uncon-
sciously entitled to extra time.
You can watch for the next pause, and then say, Okay,
lets set up your next session. Or, You are making good
progress in this. Well keep working on it next time. Or
simply, Were out of time for today. At that point you
stand up and walk them to the door. You are not being rude.
You are placing firm boundaries around the beginning and
end of sessionsboundaries that actually make counselees
feel secure about the procedural backbone of therapy.
As counselees leave, you must use your clinical intuition
whether some form of touch is appropriate or not. Some
therapists have been frightened away from all forms of
touching by fears of lawsuits regarding sexual impropriety.
And it is true that if a particular counselee has a history of
sexual abuse, it is wiser not to trigger a transference reac-
tion through touching. On the other hand, a handshake, a
pat on the shoulder, or even a hug can help promote a sense
of well-being within the counselee.
One of the most effective forms of touching is looking
into the counselees eyes and letting regard for them flow
through your eyes. This offers them a visual cue that you are
there to protect, help, and nurture them in the therapeutic
setting.
On the pragmatic side of closing a session, let me make a
side note about payment for services. If the counselees are
paying by check or credit card, it is far wiser to take care of
the fee at the beginning of the sessioni.e., in the warm-up
phasethan at the end, during closure. You dont want coun-
82
selees frantically searching for checkbooks, or writing a check

while you are summarizing the session. An easy way to han-
dle checks is by having an attractive box into which people
slip a filled-out check as soon as they walk in the door. By the
second session this habit is set and there are no further dis-
tractions.
One last thing is to will courage to your counselee. This is
a principle I learned from Rollo May. You warmly convey
that you are in the persons corneran assuring thing for
your counselee to know. Good session, Mary. You are mak-
ing real progress in sharing your true feelings.
The Course of Counseling
What we have explored about the three-phased structure

of a session is paralleled in the course of counseling as a
whole. Whether for short-term counseling or long-term ther-
apy, the counseling process begins with a warm-up phase
that entails an intake interview, the building of counselee
rapport, and preparation for working through the presenting
problem and any unconscious factors that contribute to it.
After counselor and counselee are well acquainted and
have agreed upon mutual goals, the middle or action phase of
the counseling ensues. This is where solutions are tried on
for size, unconscious dynamics are made conscious, and the
integration of personality is pursued. Inevitably, though,
when the counselee has worked through issues to his or her
satisfaction, the counseling will enter a phase of closure.
You can always tell when you are nearing termination be-
cause counselees no longer bring up vital issues that need
processing. Simply put, the energy required for the problem
solving has run its course, the new coping strategies are
working, and people feel ready to continue life on their own.
At such times I suggest talking about the healthy need to fin-
ish up, so that counselees dont stay in counseling out of de-
pendency. You might designate a last session for graduation
from counseling, with the assurance that they can come back
83
at a future time, should a tune-up be needed.

When you combine the anatomy of tripartite individual
sessions with the compass model as a central referent for ac-
tualizing growth, you can trust the process that your counsel-
ing efforts will bear much fruit in due season.
84
9
A COUNSELEES IMAGE OF GOD
Now lets use the compass model to explore a topic near to

the heart of Christian counseling: the counselees image of
God. This is a case in which compass psychology benefits the
religious community by shedding light on how negative life
experiences can unconsciously impinge upon an individuals
perception of God.
The Self Compass predicts that people may distort Gods
personality in four different directions. Seeing God as too lov-
ing creates a Pollyannaish and syrupy sweet image of God.
Viewing God as too assertive forms a wrathful image of God.
Believing that God is only strong and never vulnerable
makes for a dictatorial and controlling God. Seeing God as
too laissez faire makes for an emotionally absent God.
Sometimes these distortions are taught as normative by a
Christian subculture or particular church where the leaders
personality is manifestly rigid. More commonly, though,
these distortions of God originate as projections of a persons
most emotionally significant parent. Freud was right in sug-
gesting that the parent you experienced as a child can be-
come the countenance you see in heaven.
In past centuries these unconscious contaminations of the
image of God were neither understood nor readily corrected.
A person simply lived out a warped projection, unaware of
placing an artificial barrier between the self and the Lord.
85
Today there is hope for uncovering skewed perceptions of

God and expanding them to incorporate the personality
wholeness that Christ embodies. The three cases studies that
follow explore how misbegotten images of God can be gently
challenged and changed. Watch for the use of these tech-
niques: peer mentoring, projective analysis, abbreviated word
association, normalization, and the purple rhinoceros tech-
nique.
A Critical and Cantankerous God
Some distorted images of God are particularly resistant to

change; for instance, the counselee who sees God as angry
and short-fused may be reluctant to even talk about God. We
begin with a counselee in whom this distortion of God was
firmly entrenched.
Shelley was a Bible major in a Christian liberal arts col-
lege where I taught and counseled. When she came to her
first session, she barely spoke above a whisper, and avoided
eye contact altogether.
Shelleys presenting problem was that though she was a
straight A student, she had no social skills and no social
life. Her tense body language told the story that something
had hurt her heart so deeply that she had retreated into her
head, where she lived a lonely life of intellectual certitude
with no emotional risks.
After we had built an initial rapport, I encouraged Shelley
to link up with another student who had been through coun-
seling and had emerged as a young woman with considerable
social poise. I call this peer mentoring, and I believe that the
Body of Christ provides practically unlimited potential for
linking up growing people with others who have walked a
similar pathway. When successful, peer mentoring signifi-
cantly augments individual counseling and can reduce the
time that solitary counseling alone would require (for more
information, see pp. 159-160 in Appendix I).
By our second month of counseling, Shelley had connected
86
with Lisa, the student I had recommended. Lisa proved a

sensitive and able mentor. She took Shelley to a couple of
basketball games, invited her to a Bible Study, and intro-
duced Shelley to a couple of her friends. Another advantage
Shelley enjoyed was that she and Lisa were able to discuss
dating, significant because Shelley had never had a date in
high school or college.
At the end of the third month, I noted that Shelley had
loosened up her body language and developed enough cour-
age for eye-to-eye contact. But something still had a fearsome
hold on her. Halfway through a sessionand in a move that I
now attribute to the Lords inspirationI asked Shelley if
she would pray out loud for our counseling.
She acceded and bowed her head. I watched her body lan-
guage to see how she approached God, to learn about her in-
ner mindset. Shelley scrunched her eyes shut and began
praying in a tense and tinny voice. And when I looked at her
hands, they were clasped together so tightly that her knuck-
les were white.
Asking myself how could I make Shelley aware of her un-
conscious fear of God, I decided to apply the technique of pro-
jective analysis. I would proceed delicately, so as not to make
her skittish. (For further discussion about using projective
analysis, see pp. 160-161 in Appendix I).
When she finished her prayer, I said, Thats very good. I
know that the Lord appreciates being called into the counsel-
ing process. And by the way, would you look down at your
hands right now?
She looked down and her mouth dropped open. Oh my
goodness! she exclaimed. In that moment Shelley experi-
enced the dissonance between a mind that prayed to God and
a heart and body that were terrified of him.
When I asked her to explain what about God made her so
fearful, she had no easy answer. In fact, she espoused a tech-
nically orthodox description of God as merciful, mighty, and
just. She couldnt account for the unconscious body tension.
87
I had her resume the prayer posture, and then I asked

when in life she had felt this same sense of tension. Thats
when it came to her.
Right before my mother used to slap me.
For the rest of the session, we uncovered and discussed
several memories from childhood and adolescence where
Shelleys mother had chastised her over minor events and
spanked or slapped her. At first Shelley felt very afraid to
even talk about these things, as though Mom was looking
over her shoulder. I explained that Christ judges all human
behavior accurately and fairly, and we can too, especially
when there is an element of cruel and unusual punishment
going on.
Reassured, Shelley gained confidence session by session.
Counseling gave her a safe place to describe these emotional
wounds and a supportive setting where injustice could be
called for what it was. She soaked in what it meant to feel
affirmed rather than punished for petty sins.
The final link in the behavioral chain of an unconscious
distortion of God came the day she remembered her mother
saying, Youd better do exactly as I say, or God himself will
punish you. In the eyes of Shelley the child, Mom seemed in
direct collusion with God, and Shelley immediately trans-
ferred over to God her moms punitive ways.
As we worked through the many fears that had tormented
her, she gradually withdrew the projection of her mothers
image onto God. She became more outgoing and began to use
more of her whole personality. She enthusiastically appro-
priated the Self Compass, putting as much energy into self-
expression and self-development as she had formerly put into
detachment and avoidance.
By the sixth month, I was delighted to see this young
woman express exuberance for life. I wasnt the only one
moved by her transformation and her ready testimony about
how good God is. At the end of Shelleys senior year, a com-
mittee of her peers chose her as commencement speaker.
88
A Pushy and Invasive God
Now lets investigate what happens when someone uncon-

sciously perceives God as though God is stuck on the
strength compass point, and is therefore arrogant and inva-
sive.
Greta came into counseling with the presenting problem
of an intolerable marriage. After several sessions, I invited
her husband Jake to come in for a joint session. He put her
down rather harshly several times, despite my playing refe-
ree and calling him on these interpersonal fouls.
At the end of the session, Jake announced that he had no
use for counseling, since all the marriage problems were
Gretas fault. She said quietly that if he refused to come
back, she was going to file for divorce.
He retorted, Dont let the front door hit your butt on your
way out. Then he walked out. That was the last I saw of
him.
Greta proceeded to divorce Jake. True to his threats, he
made sure she never saw a nickel of support from his six-
figure salary. He proved so adept at hiding income and creat-
ing chaos that she finally told her attorney to forget about
the money and just cut the ties. Shortly after that she began
drinking. And drinking. And drinking.
Three months into therapy I persuaded Greta to give AA
a try. She confessed to a group that she was powerless over
alcohol and that her life had become unmanageable. A week
later she took a last drink and began successfully working
the program.
During that year of therapy we made considerable pro-
gress in building up her shattered self-esteem, which had
taken quite a pounding from nine years of Jakes verbal
bashing. We slowly exorcised his critical voice from her psy-
che. She learned to relate to him cordially, but firmly. We
also helped her enter the work force and develop a modicum
of confidence in her talents.
But I had noticed that whenever I made any reference to
89
God, she would flinch and cut me off.

Now as you know, AA and other Twelve Step Groups en-
courage people to turn their lives over to God as they under-
stand him, as long as this reflects a power greater than their
own wills. This is fortunate, for it allows many people to form
an elemental bond of trust in God, an experience of the com-
mon grace that the Trinity offers to all humanity.
Beyond this generalized notion of God, however, Greta
balked at the idea of a personal and loving God. When after
her first AA meeting Greta had declared that she was an ag-
nostic, an old-timer had said, You can let the doorknob be
God if you want, as long as you reach out beyond your self.
So thats what Greta did, literally.
Going into our second year of work, I casually asked in a
session, Greta, can you enlighten me as to why you prefer
seeing God as a doorknob rather than someone who loves you
very much?
She bristled.
I know this topic tends to upset you, I said. But I think
its significant that you put so much energy into depersonal-
izing God. Where do you suppose this comes from?
My granddad, she said without hesitation.
Can you explore that?
Starting when I was about six, he used to hound me
about how I should read the Bible and accept Jesus Christ as
my Savior. The God he spoke of put me off. I swore Id never
turn out like Granddad. So I did everything the opposite of
what he preached at me about. I drank at school, had sex in
the back seat of cars, smoked, and partied. He just tried
harder to convert me. Then one day he dropped dead of a
heart attack. Ive never talked about it since, not even in
AA.
So theres this deep down hurt and anger about having
God pushed on you, and you resent the heck out of it.
Right?
Exactly. I feel angry even talking about it.
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Over that year of therapy, I had to proceed slowly and

respectfully in making the occasional reference to God. Why
did I do so at all? I believe, even as a professional psycholo-
gist, that there are too many vital questions that psychology
doesnt addressincluding the perennial ones: Who am I?
What is my purpose in life? How can I find my way?
I mentioned God when Greta expressed thanks for how
much she had grown, or amazement at the gift of abstinence
from alcohol. I wanted to help her catch God being good to
her, so that she could enjoy her unacknowledged friendship
with him.
Only gradually and over more months did Greta begin to
internalize perceptions of God that included the possibility
that God was personal, that God was helping her, and that
she could talk to God as she might to anyone else, and ex-
pect a genuine response. She began saying, I think God
was watching out for me; or, Maybe that was a God thing.
Toward the end of the second year of therapy, I asked
Greta to contrast her experience of her granddad and her
growing relationship with God.
Granddad was snoopy and invasive. He wanted to take
me over. I couldnt stand his pushiness. My experience of
God is more that God understands and accepts me like I am,
including my dirty snotty little self. I still have difficult
talking to God like I talk to you. Ive learned in therapy that
I can trust you because you never use things against me. I
think Im learning the same thing about God. Indeed,
Greta has gone on to develop a friendship with God that is
only deepening with every year.
A God Who Doesnt Know About Sex
I want to end the chapter with an example of a distortion

of God that is accidentally generated along lifes way, rather
than programmed into ones upbringing.
I was giving a lectureship at a seminary and had agreed
to several afternoon counseling sessions with students. The
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last consultation was with a young woman who blushed

when I asked what shed like to talk about.
Simone stammered something about what a terrible per-
son she was because of an unspeakable secret that she dared
not disclose, even though she wanted healing. I decided that
an abbreviated word association technique might prime the
pump. This adaptation of a classical psychoanalytic tech-
nique makes the larger point that techniques exist to serve
people, and can be creatively shaped to meet a spontaneous
need (for more information, see p. 161 in Appendix I).
How about if you just say whatever pops into your head
when I say a word to you?
She nodded her assent.
Earth, I said. (I couldnt go wrong suggesting the whole
planet as a launching pad for her unconscious).
Tree.
Tree, I said.
Branches.
Branches, I said. (I repeated each word to keep things
simple. I had a hunch that the emotional valance of her bur-
ied secret would quickly lead us to the issue).
Stick.
Stick, I said.
She threw her hands up to cover her face and mumbled
something that I couldnt make out.
Stick, I repeated.
She lowered her hands and peeked at me, cheeks flushed
crimson. Penis.
Is that related to the problem you believe is unspeak-
able? Penis?
Yes, she said, looking downward. Its this thought that
keeps threatening to come into my mind. I fight it off and
fight it off, and then it comes anyway, and I feel so ashamed.
Im not worthy to follow the Lord. Im not worthy of his death
on the cross.
Because you think of the word, penis? I asked.
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Its far worse than that. It because I think of the Lords

penis. Her hands flew up over her eyes. She looked petrified.
Okay. I think I get it now, I said. I knew I had about
thirty minutes left. My unconscious was frantically searching
for some tool that would relieve her sense of being an emo-
tional leper. Its like you have this perfectly normal thought
about Jesus male anatomy, but because youve never heard
of anyone else talk about it, you assume youre the only per-
son in history whos had this thought. Is that right? (This is
called normalizing because it takes some aspect of a persons
experience that they think of as anathema, and assures them
that it is really common to the human experience. Normali-
zation is a strategic way of balancing out a persons habit of
perceiving something as needlessly catastrophic. For further
discussion, see p. 162 in Appendix I).
I noticed a more human look on Simones face. You mean
other people think things like that?
Yes, they do. You just never hear about it because they
feel as embarrassed as you do. But it is quite common for
people to run across a particular word or idea that they be-
lieve is absolutely taboo. Then the harder they try not to
think about it, the more vivid it becomes. (Here I was laying
the groundwork for using the purple rhinoceros technique to
neutralize her obsessive cognitive fixation. For additional in-
formation, see pp. 162-163, Appendix I).
Simone sighed. That is so good to hear. But how do you
get over itespecially the thought that I have?
You get over it by understanding that it is not a big deal.
Let me give you an example. I want you to concentrate as
hard as you can right now, and whatever you do, dont think
of a purple rhinoceros. I mean it. Close your eyes. No purple
rhinoceros! Completely erase the image of a purple rhinoc-
eros from your mind. Now for the next five seconds do not
think of a purple rhinoceros.
Simone had pursed her forehead with as much force as I
had noticed at the beginning of the session. Suddenly her
93
face relaxed and broke into a smile. This is impossible! All I

can think about is a purple rhinoceros!
Exactly. So what have you just discovered about the hu-
man mind?
Well, I guess that the harder you try not to think some-
thing, the more you think about it.
And how would you get out of this bind?
The way I just did. Id laugh and say its okay to think
about the rhinoceros.
Thats the answer youve been seeking. Only God couldnt
help you find it because you assumed that he couldnt handle
your curiosity about sex.
Until now. He did answer my prayers by sending you
here.
So now lets revisit your original problem.
Her face turned serious again, which meant that we
hadnt yet gotten emotional closure.
Go ahead, I coached. Try applying your new insight to
your old dilemma.
Its just that picturing Jesus sex organ seems so sacrile-
gious.
(Back to normalization) Simone, did you ever realize that
one of the biggest issues about Christ in the first three centu-
ries had to do with his human nature? In other words, people
really wondered if the Son of God had real hair, real finger-
nails, and real genitals. Or was Christ a spiritual phantom
who only appeared human, but wasnt really a man?
But isnt it vulgar and disgusting to imagine his penis?
Actually, its orthodox Christian doctrine. Christ is fully
divine and fully human, without confusion between the two
natures. Your unconscious is simply sorting out this doctrine
of the true humanity of Christ.
I noticed that her shoulders were lowering a bit from their
original uptight position. She was starting to breathe from
her diaphragm, a sign of relaxation; timely, because we had
about five minutes left.
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So Ive just been trying to think it all through?

Yes, and you got stuck with a compulsively repeating
thought when you told yourself that you werent ever allowed
to think it. Do you see the similarity to the purple rhino?
You make it sound so normal.
It is normal and so are you. Lets let God be normal, too,
and give him credit for knowing all about Jesus body parts,
without being a bit embarrassed by them.
I saw a look on Simones face, a kind of gazing into space
that occurs when someone is inwardly knitting together
thoughts and feelings.
Were about out of time. I want to thank you for trusting
me with something so important to you.
We stood and before we parted she offered me a hug that I
returned.
Compass theory suggests that the exploration of a coun-

selees subjective perception of God is an important aspect of
the counseling process. Often, people unknowingly develop
and perpetuate a picture of God that is too angry, too permis-
sive, too aloof, or too inhumane to allow for genuine dialogue
with the Lord, let alone an expectant trust in his guidance.
The Self Compass itself can be helpful in making concrete
the image of God in ways that relate to a counselees person-
ality. God is presented as having complementary aspects of a
healthy self that are personal and comprehensible. Gods
mercy and passion for justice reveal his rhythm of love and
assertion, whereas Gods humility and wise use of power in-
tegrate his compass points of weakness and strength. Such
an image of God does not overwhelm or intimidate a coun-
selee, but invites intimacy and trust.
Beyond a compass interpretation of God, the very act of
praying together with counselees, when this is deemed appro-
priate, assists them in forming a working relationship with
God that comforts them in the here and now, helps to heal
past wounds, and calls them forth with hope into the future.
95
10
THE VALUE OF METAPHORS
Counseling is a challenging profession. While a coun-

selors background of theoretical knowledge requires sophis-
tication and depth, the way the counselor talks to a counselee
calls for simplicity and earthiness. Even the presentation of
the Self Compass needs spontaneous conversational speech,
so that counselees can grasp it in their own way.
The challenge is this: how can the counselor make con-
crete such abstract notions as choice and responsibility;
stagnation versus growth; the need for personality transfor-
mation; the time continuity between past, present, and fu-
ture; or the need to integrate the functions of thinking, feel-
ing, sensing, and praying in the counselees human nature?
Lets look at three counseling situations, which illustrate
how the technique of metaphor construction empowers coun-
selees with a vivid representation of an otherwise abstract
principle. In other words, when you want to imbue a concept
with carry-over power that your counselee finds memorable,
consider creating a metaphor.
From Electrons to Emotions
Sam was an electrical engineer. In our first session I rec-

ognized that while he showed razor-sharp thinking about
topics in his field, he exhibited flat affect and a monotone
97
way of speaking. His presenting problem concerned two peo-

ple who had expressed discontent with his behavior. His wife
had described Sam as an emotionally absent husband. And a
supervisor had recently given him a low rating in interper-
sonal skills. Sam agreed that he was socially withdrawn.
In our second session, I wanted to suggest to Sam that
emotions could enrich both his marriage and his work life. I
hoped to stir up his motivation for learning how to identify
and express his feelings. I wondered if these changes might
empower his metamorphosis from a cocooned existence to a
relationally connected life. After reflecting back to Sam that I
understood his fears about opening up in counseling sessions,
I created a metaphor that drew upon his vocational training.
You know, Sam, Im thinking about how electrons in a
circuit board need a voltage drop in order for the current to
flow. What would happen if you blocked the voltage drop in
the circuitry?
It would be a static system. Thered be no current. It
couldnt do any work.
So youd have a dead circuit board that couldnt even run
an appliance?
Absolutely. You have to have voltage to convert electric-
ity into force.
I wonder if we might liken human emotions to the volt-
age in an electrical circuit. Feelings are the energy of person-
ality. They do the work of communicating your inner life to
people and to God. The voltage drop is the change between
emotional polaritieslike AC/DC current. During the course
of the day, you change inwardly from anxiety to courage,
from attraction to repulsion, from love to assertion, from in-
terest to boredom, etc. If you take these voltage changes out
of the human circuitry, you become more like a plank of wood
than a person. Does that make sense?
Fair enough. But I dont like feelings. Theyre uncomfort-
able.
Whats uncomfortable about them?
98
I cant predict what theyll do. They make me nervous.

Im curious. When you first started studying electrical en-
gineering, did you feel nervous about the wiring in circuit
boards?
Sure. You could burn something up or blow a fuse if you
didnt wire things right.
How did you solve that?
I learned more about all the parts of the circuitresistors,
capacitors, transformersand how they do certain predictable
things to the current. Once you understand all that, you can
handle any current safely.
And make it work as a force in appliances or whatever you
want to power?
Thats the whole point. To make the electrons act on the
world the way you want them to.
Did you make any mistakes along the way?
Sam smiled. Lets put it this way. I had my share of melt-
downs.
Were the mistakes you made worth the expertise you de-
veloped?
You bet. Im a darn good engineer.
Okay. Id like to draw some parallels to personality and
relationships. Is that alright with you?
Sure.
I handed him a figure of the Trends Self Compass men-
tioned in Chapter Two. Heres a schema that shows how hu-
man beings are put together and how they can communicate.
For now I want to suggest that once you start using this mas-
ter circuit board, a lot of blown fuses and social meltdowns
will no longer occur. This Self Compass shows you how to
handle your own and other peoples feelings. It makes rela-
tionships more predictable.
Sam studied the diagram thoughtfully before handing it
back to me. I never knew you could map out a person like
this. I always thought psychology was hocus-pocus. This dia-
gram looks pretty scientific.
99
It is. Theres as much science and empirical validity be-

hind this Self Compass as behind your engineering work.
Sam nodded. Okay, so how do I quit feeling nervous
around people?
Now we were launched with a metaphorical language that
would make sense for Sam along his journey of human
growth. Over time, Sam could fill in the cross-links between
circuit boards and self-understanding.
Negotiating a Trial Counseling Effort
Now lets examine a different scenario. Charlotte came in

for a session and stated that she was the number one real es-
tate salesperson in the region. She cited the many reasons
why she had considerable status in her community. In fact,
before long I suspected that she was unconsciously stuck on
the strength compass point with a grandiose self-image that
had blocked the formation of humility in her personality.
Charlottes presenting problem? A husband whom she felt
was too wimpy to interest her any longer. Her acerbic criti-
cisms of him revealed a pattern of disparagement. Now that
the kids were raised, she wanted to end their twenty-year
marriage. She had agreed to have this one counseling session.
I sensed that if I didnt gain Charlottes respect, she would
consider me a pushover. There was no doubt she intended to
take complete charge of the counseling, subduing me into a
yes person like her husband. How was I to proceed?
Toward the end of the session I said, Charlotte, I wonder
if I might draw a parallel between your marriage and your
real estate work?
Go ahead, she said.
Lets say that there is a property with some great poten-
tial. Good location. Schools nearby. A safe part of town.
Yes?
And there are two landlords who share joint ownership of
the property. Landlord A wants to improve the propertys
value by remodeling.
100
Okay.
But Landlord B wants to sell it. This landlord has many
other projects going that are quite successful and doesnt
think its worth the effort to upgrade this particular property.
How can they solve their dispute?
Easy. They should sell the property, divide the assets,
and each go their separate ways.
Now lets raise the ante by saying that the landlords are
married and live together on this property.
I see what youre getting at. Theyve got big problems,
just like Dave and I do.
So Im wondering if you are willing to take a limited time
span, say three to six months, to explore in counseling if
there is more potential in the marriage than you have esti-
mated up to now. Youre hiring me as an independent con-
sultant. You might say Ill research the title, survey the land,
and offer plans for upgrading.
But Im bored stiff with Dave. He doesnt know the first
thing about how to make a woman feel special.
You are describing his past and current behavior. But
you dont really know his potential as a husband-lover, since
he hasnt developed it yet. One of my specialties is couples
intimacy. Ive seen many individuals become very attractive
marriage partners, once theyve learned whats needed. My
suggestion is that you give couples counseling a trial run of
three to six months. If you havent seen a transformation by
then, then at least youll know you did what you could to save
a twenty-year relationship. On the other hand, if there is
hidden value in the marriage thats never been tapped, then
all the years youve lived together will culminate in rich divi-
dends.
Lets make an appointment for next week. Ill think it
over.
By all means.
This was a rougher launch involving more tentativeness
on the counselees part. I believe the metaphor I offered
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played a crucial role in building a quick bridge of communi-

cation that helped clarify the options.
From Methamphetamine to Math
Metaphors are especially needed when counselees lack

proficiency in reasoning or verbal fluency.
Sergio was a nineteen-year-old former gang member who
saw me for a dozen sessions. He was on a years probation for
getting caught with several bags of methamphetamine in his
car. After doing some jail time, the police department had re-
leased him to work a residential drug treatment program
(Narcotics Anonymous) and get some individual counseling.
In this sixth session, Sergio was contemplating for the first
time enrolling in a community college. Understandably, he
had anxiety that all he had learned in gang life would work
against him.
One thing Ive discovered about you, Sergio, is that you
are a very resourceful guy.
In gang stuff. But I dont know nothing about college.
I see that differently.
Like what?
Remember the things you shared about getting in tight
with the gang, robbing an enemys stash, and living off drug
sales?
Yeah.
When you put it all together, I think you had a high
learning curve for figuring out how to deal drugs and carry
on a successful business.
I did pretty good til the cops popped me.
So whats to keep you from that same high learning
curve at community college?
I cant sell drugs there. Theyd bust my ass in two sec-
onds.
Yeah, but think of all the social skills youve learned in
the past few years. Youve learned how to hang with people,
how to watch out for them, how to be loyal to your friends
102
and customers. College students are human just like you.

Your social skills will work there as good as in a gang.
But what about all the bad things I know?
So what? The best students bring some life experience
with them to college. Youve survived on the street and thats
valuable experience. Now youll just be applying your intelli-
gence to learning math instead of weighing and bagging
dope. I imagine you have good rudimentary math skills.
I was good at keeping a ledger for what people owed to
me.
Just change the scene a bit and youre passing college al-
gebra so you can build a trade instead of rotting in jail.
What about reading? I dont read good.
Neither do I. How did you handle it in the gang when you
needed to learn how to turn a drug deal?
I talked to somebody who was good at itsomebody in
the gang longer than me.
There you have it. Use that same determination to find a
friend or tutoring course on campus to help you do the read-
ing. And dont forget that Hollywood smile youve got. You
should use it more often, now that youre not trying to scare
people.
Sergio smiled.
So heres the deal, I said. Youre a talented man with a
sharp intelligence and considerable social skills. Youve al-
ready proved how successful you are at the formidable chal-
lenges of gang life. Only you dont like the jail time that goes
with it. Now youve kicked your drug addiction through NA
and your Higher Power. The way I see it, God is calling you
forward into a whole new future. Whats keeping you from
putting your courage and talent into a first semester at the
community college?
Nothing. I think Ill go over and check it out.
He did, and after two more months of thinking about it,
Sergio entered the community college for the summer term.
103
The Flower Kittens
Metaphors are especially useful when working with chil-

dren, since they are still at a developmental stage of concrete
operations and can easily understand imagery.
The youngest counselee Ive ever worked with was my
daughter, Kim, when she was six. We had raised an Abyssin-
ian kitten named Abbey Lane. Kim fell in love with her. One
afternoon Abbey Lane sneaked out the front door. She had no
knowledge of streets and cars. Within moments she had been
run over. Now I had to break the news to Kim.
I didnt take lightly Kims first exposure to death. I
prayed for God to help me convey this great mystery in a way
that didnt bring despair. Then I told Kim what had hap-
pened. She cried so hard I thought her heart had broken.
An hour later an idea for an in vitro metaphor came to
mind. Suspecting that this might be God answering my
prayer, I placed Abbey Lanes body in a shoebox. I retrieved a
red ribbon from a dresser drawer, a couple of Popsicle sticks
from the refrigerator, and a bag of begonia seeds from the ga-
rage. With these supplies and the shoebox coffin tucked un-
der my arm, I asked Kim to accompany me to our garden.
We squatted down together before a square yard of soil at
the end of the garden.
What are we doing, Daddy?
Were going to plant Abbey Lane in the earth, like you do
when things die. And well plant some seeds all around her.
Then in a little while, Abbey will help the seeds grow into
pretty flowers. Theyll remind us of her all summer.
Kims brown eyes brimmed with curiosity. She wanted
hands-on involvement with digging the mulched soil and
burying the box. I was very moved by how tenderly she poked
holes in the topsoil with her index finger, carefully dropping
a begonia seed into each hole. Will she be able to breathe
okay? she asked, reminding me how difficult it was for her
to face the mystery of death.
Shell do just fine. Weve made a very cozy place for her.
104
We formed the Popsicle sticks into a cross and stuck it in

the earth above the grave. This is our sign that God is with
us, I said.
Over the next week Kim ran out each day to check Abbey
Lanes resting place. Sometime during the second week, she
came running back into the house. She found me in the
kitchen. Cheeks flushed with excitement, her words poured
out: Daddy, Daddy, come look. Abbey Lane had flower kit-
tens!
This week while you are counseling, let your unconscious

draw from your life experience and develop metaphors that
are especially suited to your counselees needs and interests.
Youll enjoy the way a metaphor deepens rapport and sparks
new insight. Your talent for creating metaphors will only in-
crease over time.
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11
PHYSICAL SYMBOLIZATION
Its tempting in the counseling process to overly rely upon

words. Talking about problems. Talking about related issues.
Talking about prospective solutions.
Talking engages the neo-cortex, the verbal and reasoning
capability of the left hemisphere, and the brains speech cen-
ter located in the left temporal lobe. But talking does little to
innervate the limbic center where emotions are aroused, the
sensory-motor band where movement is generated, and the
occipital lobe where visual images are registered.
Sometimes counselees learn best through some form of
visceral experience, rather than through talking and reason-
ing. Lets explore some ways that physical symbolization can
be employed to good effect. (For more information, see pp.
164-165, Appendix I).
A fictitious example may illustrate the point.
A counselee goes to Counselor A and says, The person
that I play table tennis with is a hot shot who whips the ball
across the net with so much topspin that it flies by me before
I can return the serve.
Counselor A, who relies on talking in counseling, replies,
How do you feel about that?
Frustrated! says the counselee. Can you help me learn
how to return the serve and carry on a volley?
Of course, says the counselor. What you do is bring
107
your paddle up faster, so that it meets the ball right when it

starts to bounce on your side. I recommend holding the paddle
in a backhand position so that you can swipe up on the balls
topspin and return the shot.
Fine, says the counselee. But can you please show me
that move?
Sorry, says Counselor A. I dont do demos. Just follow
my advice and Im sure youll do fine.
Now I ask you, has the counselee learned how to keep from
getting slaughtered at Ping-Pong? Yet this is exactly the ap-
proach taken by too many counselors who have not understood
the power of showing versus telling.
Lets say the counselee takes this same problem to Coun-
selor B, describing it the same way.
Counselor B clears his desktop and places several pencils
end-to-end across the center of the desk. These pencils sym-
bolize the Ping-Pong net, he says. Okay. Heres what you
do. Folding a magazine to mimic a Ping-Pong paddle, he pro-
ceeds to model a backswing that is designed to counter an op-
ponents topspin delivery. He shows the correct stance, swing,
and follow through. Then he gives the magazine prop to the
counselee and says: Now you try. After a number of tries and
corrections from Counselor B, the counselee gets it right.
Counselor B concludes the session by saying, Now practice
what you learned here with your opponent. Observe every-
thing that happens in your next several games, and bring that
information back here. Well keep troubleshooting this back-
hand return until its a part of you. Youll volley successfully
from then on.
Of course, counselees wont seek you out to improve their
Ping-Pong game, but the same principle holds true about the
power of showing versus telling. What often separates a novice
counselor from a seasoned pro is the ability to demonstrate
concretely what you are working on in a session. Many prob-
lems need modeling, skill acquisition, and concrete symboliza-
tion as part of their solution.
108
Here are some case studies that utilize the physical sym-
bols of the art box, towel twisting, and the lean-against-the-
wall technique.
The Art Box
When you sense that counseling will involve more than a

couple of sessions, the art box is an excellent technique for
the physical symbolization of counselee issues and concerns.
Most counselees enjoy constructing art boxes. They are very
revealing of a counselees inner life.
You tell counselees to pick a box of any size or shape to
represent their personality. People select shoeboxes, hat-
boxes, and even grocery boxes. They are to begin collecting
art, photos, icons, whatnots, words, poemsanything that
reminds them of their interior life. They are to affix these
images and objects within the art box. And on the outside of
the box they are to affix a selection of materials that repre-
sents their public selfthe outer facade that they present to
other people, and sometimes to God. Usually one week is al-
lowed for construction of the art box. One session is adequate
for most counselees to share the boxs contents with you, al-
lowing them to take their time exploring the thoughts and
feelings that the box elicits. During the sharing phase, you
are assured of a grand tour of the counselees hurts and
hopes, anxieties and expectations, frustrations and joys.
Counselees generally relish having an appreciative audi-
enceyouwith whom to disclose what is ordinarily very
private. Its the next closest thing to opening up ones deepest
self to God. It goes without saying that you should treat
these special disclosures with awe and unconditional positive
regard. It is essential to validate the courage and individual-
ity of a person who discloses the core self. Any feedback
about incongruence, self-conflict, or the like is deferred until
later in counseling. But supportive questions that reflect
warmth and curiosity work fine.
109
Devon had a cluster of pictures around the theme of chil-

drens books on the inside of her art box. When I queried her,
she said, Ive always had in the back of my mind that I
wanted to write for little children.
I asked if she had shared that dream with her husband.
I mentioned it once. He said it wasnt very practical and
that childrens authors dont make any money.
I asked if Devon had ever thought of taking writing
classes or attending seminars.
Id be too embarrassed to sign up for a class with all
those college kids. What would they think of a middle-aged
lady like me?
In reflecting about the wonderful things I had learned
from her art box, I suggested that the theme of childrens
writing might be a seed for further reflection. Sure enough,
one of the topics we worked on was how to bolster her esteem
and actualize her talents as a fledgling author. We strength-
ened her power to withstand undercutting comments from
her husband, helped her locate a writing tutor, and found
ways to conquer writers block so that she could produce a
first story.
In terms of her Self Compass, she learned how to use her
assertion and strength compass points, instead of relying so
heavily on pleasing and placating those around her. Several
years after our last session, Devon sent me a gorgeously il-
lustrated childrens book that she had published. Today she
has several books out. As I write this, I recall how the seeds
for actualizing her authorial gifts were planted by that art
box. Surely God was working with us to develop Devons call-
ing for her outreach to children.
Each facet of the art box is emotionally significant be-

cause it stirs up unconscious as well as conscious components
of the personality. Occasionally, a particular element leads to
a profound psychodynamic disclosure.
110
Ray had glued a little porcelain figure of a red devil to an

inside corner of his art box. And it was the only object he
hadnt mentioned when exploring his inner self.
So Im curious about the little red devil, I said. Is there a
reason youre winding up without talking about him?
Its too embarrassing to talk about, he muttered. Im too
ashamed.
Well, counseling is a safe place where you can speak the
unspeakable, and sometimes thats better that staying stuck
with it all alone.
I never told anybody about this, but I know it damaged
my life. Thirty years ago I was serving in an Army combat
zone. We had this sergeant so mean that some of the men
swore they wanted to kill him after the war. I came in from
patrol late one night. The sergeant ran into me and told me to
go to his quarters.
In agony from re-living this long-buried memory, Ray stood
up and began pacing. I encouraged him to take a couple of
deep breaths and continue, saying, I know this is painful,
Ray. But youre doing fine. Go ahead.
He sat back down. That bastard made me have sex with
him at gun point. He said that if I told anyone, hed make my
life a living hell and have me take the point in patrols.
He raped you and threatened your life? I gasped. (I usu-
ally receive anything a counselee discloses with calm equa-
nimity. However, in the case of a disclosure about being a vic-
tim of violence or sexual abuse, I let my shock and indignation
at the perpetrator show through, bearing witness that a crime
has been committed. This is very important, since it helps re-
lieve the false shame that many victims feel about what
theyve gone through).
I was just a nave kid. I didnt know what to do. I was
scared to death, so I just lived with it. Later on I found out
that he did the same thing to two other guys.
Ray, this man committed a brutal act of violence backed
up with the threat of murder! (Again, I underscored the grave
111
injustice done to Ray, and let my indignation reflect the anger

he felt during the incident, but was too terrified to express).
Ray looked at me with surprise. I never thought of it that
way. I just thought of myself as weak, and the sergeant as
the devil. I hated myself from then on. Thats how come the
devils still in my box.
I knew that we would need more time to heal this insidi-
ous soul-wound, but I wanted to provide some form of exco-
riation, some symbolic way to represent Ray gaining back his
dignity.
Ray, youve done a tremendous good by calling the ser-
geant on his evil behavior. But I want to ask you something.
What would you like to do with that little red devil who has
lived in your core self like it owns the place?
I saw a flash of anger in Rays eyes. He reached down,
yanked the devil out of the box, and threw it on the carpet.
Get out of me, you SOB, he shouted at the figure.
Go ahead, I encouraged. Its safe here. How do you
want to deal with the sergeant? (Here I was going back in
time with Ray, giving him permission to redress the old
situation with the current strength of his adult personality
and his alliance with me. Without doing something like this,
the old memory would remain stuck in his psyche as an
autonomous complexa psychic sore that would keep fester-
ing. But by lancing the wound; that is, giving Ray the en-
couragement to take an active stand against the abuse, he
could assimilate the old memory and replace it with the ac-
tive agency of exorcizing the sergeant).
Ray jumped out of his chair and began stomping the por-
celain figure, smashing it into tiny bits. When he was done,
he brushed the pieces into the palm of one hand, and threw
the remains into the wastebasket. (A counselor neednt fear
the controlled, yet forceful expression of anger, even hatred,
toward another human being who has deeply injured a coun-
selee. The experience is identical to David writing his most
wrathful Psalms, which spare no detail in wishing that cer-
112
tain enemies go straight to hell. In the larger picture of

Christs teaching to forgive ones enemies, the psychodynamic
contribution suggests that you may first need to get angry
enough at your enemies to cast them out of your self-system,
before you are able to forgive them at a later time).
I felt that Ray needed to piggyback on his warm-up and
action in a way that promoted emotional closure. When
someone has been severely harmed, this can require sustain-
ing their appropriate anger until it uses itself up and is
transformed into a sense of relief, and even peace. To accom-
plish this before the session ended, I initiated the towel twist-
ing technique by offering Ray a hand towel and saying, Ray,
youre doing a great job facing this old humiliation and work-
ing it through. Id like you to take this towel and twist it as
hard as you can. This doesnt hurt anyone and it lets you re-
duce the reservoir of anger thats been trapped inside you for
thirty years.
Ray took the towel and wrung it out, grunting and groan-
ing, beads of sweat appearing on his brow. (More guidelines
for this technique are on pp. 165-166, Appendix I).
Go ahead and tell the sergeant whatever you want.
Youre kicking him out of your life for good. Youre totally re-
claiming your dignity. What does your unconscious want to
say? (By framing it this waythat the unconscious may
have its own choice phrasesa counselee receives permission
to use the primitive and un-socialized language of raw emo-
tions. Even very docile and dependent counselees, given per-
mission to come forth with what they are really aching to
say, bypass normal cognitive censoring and shift into lan-
guage that is blunt and charged with pathos. Yet from the
unconscious point of view, it is this impassioned speech that
often carries the energy required to overcome extreme pain
and right a grievous wrong).
I cant print the stream of obscenities that poured like
molten lava from Ray. But I can say that it bore witness to
the cruelty he had endured and stated in no uncertain terms
113
that the sergeant had no right to wrong him.

After a thoroughgoing diatribe of several minutes, I no-
ticed that Rays grip was easing up on the towel. His shoul-
ders started relaxing. His breathing deepened. These are
signs that an emotional catharsis is reaching a natural and
healthy conclusion.
Thats very good expressing, I said. I motioned for him
to sit down in his chair and I took a seat in mine. I waited a
few moments for Ray to recollect himself. I couldnt help but
smile at the valor he had shown, and when he saw this, he
broke into a grin.
That felt good, Dr. Dan. I guess I needed to do that a long
time ago. It always irked me so bad that there was no justice
done. That the sergeant got off scot-free. Until now.
How do you feel right now? I was noticing that we had
five minutes left, and I wanted to move into emotional clo-
sure so that Ray, armed with his newly cleansed art box,
could leave with a degree of calmness.
I feel peaceful. Like I just dropped a hundred pounds off
my chest. He rubbed his solar plexus. I never knew it af-
fected me like that.
Oh yes. That experience was as traumatic as it gets. And
you are one brave man to have restrained yourself from
physically harming the sergeant. Instead, you chose a safe
and sane way to resolve your pain and anger. You poured it
into the towel and the wastebasket, and you can leave it
there.
Will this help stop those nightmares that I keep having?
Lets save that for a new session. Youve done plenty of
good work today. I want to stay focused on the courage youve
expressed, the way you got your dignity back, and the way
you sent the sergeant packing.
Thats true. It was as real as if he was here.
I handed him his art box. Looking down into it, he smiled.
It sure looks a lot better in there with no more devil in the
corner.
114
That it does, Ray. Congratulations.
To place Rays healing in perspective, I want to offer my

opinion that dramatic sessions like the one just described are
the exception, not the rule, of counseling. More common are
the low-key sessions where we are reflecting peoples feel-
ings, piecing together how their past is related to the present,
and brainstorming with them how they might try out a new
behavior in the upcoming week. By the same token, the value
of the twenty-five techniques found in this book is that they
provide a readiness for engaging our counselees all the way
from reflective conversations to dynamic, emotionally laden
catharses like the one Ray experienced.
The Lean-against-the-Wall Technique
Physical symbolization also works to translate spiritual

issues into visceral actions. Prophets like Jeremiah and Eze-
kiel often delivered the Word of the Lord to people through
visible speech acts.
Lets take a hypothetical counselee named Joe, and imag-
ine that hes seeing a counselor acquainted with physical
symbolization. Joe has confided that Bible reading and
church attendance notwithstanding, he doesnt feel close to
God. He prays about his business and family life, but never
feels Gods presence. Instead, he feels very alone and is con-
cerned about why this is.
I dont know what it is, he says. Other people seem to
praise the Lord and be emotionally moved during worship
services. But I just sit there wondering what Im doing
wrong. Ive never really felt Gods love.
You probably are suffering from a malady that is far
more common than you think, says the counselor. The ori-
gin of the problem has to do with how much western culture
relies on words and thoughts. Many Christians, especially
men, have trouble connecting to God with their emotions and
bodies.
115
What can I do about it? I pray and pray, and nothing

happens.
Lets trying a technique that can help you put more of
your whole nature into your relationship with God. Can you
stand up and come over to the wall with me?
Joe complies.
All right. I want us to let the wall symbolize the Lord.
Now stand about a foot away from the wall.
He does so.
Tell me, how convinced are you that the wall will sup-
port you if you lean into it?
Very convinced. I know it will hold me up.
How do you know, since you havent tested it?
I can visualize leaning against it. Since its part of this
whole building, of course it will hold me up.
Very good. Now close you eyes and imagine yourself
leaning into the wall. Concentrate hard until you believe
beyond a shadow of a doubt that the wall will support you.
Yes. I am completely convinced.
Okay. Open your eyes. Now tell me, what is missing
from this experience?
Well, its only happening in my mind. I havent leaned
against the wall yet.
So you see a difference between thinking about trusting
the wall and actually leaning into it?
Yes.
Are there any parallels with your prayer life?
Well, I guess a lot of my prayers are very mental. I dont
know that I really let go to God, like hes really there and
can guide me. I think I get uncomfortable that hell do some-
thing I wont like.
So as long as you can keep your spirituality mental, you
feel in control. And you are afraid that if you really surren-
der to God, hell somehow let you down.
It sounds silly, but yes, thats exactly my fearthat Ill
lose control of things.
116
Now back to the wall. Again, lets say that it represents

the Lord. How can you make contact with it in a way that
lets you feel its power to support you?
I guess I could just reach out and touch it.
Okay, do that.
He reaches out and touches the wall.
What are you learning about the wall, and its ability to
sustain you?
Not much. Im still in control. I believe it will support me.
And Im touching it. But Im not trusting it, am I?
No. It seems like you are still completely in control of the
relationship with the wall. Tell me though, how satisfying is
this superficial touching of the walls surface?
Not very. It leaves me feeling empty, and alone with my-
self.
I believe that this is an existential snapshot of your rela-
tionship with God and why it is unfulfilling.
So what should I do?
Well, counseling is a safe place for taking new risks.
What if you let the wall really symbolize God and go ahead
and lean against it?
John leans into the wall and smiles. This isnt so hard.
What do you feel now?
I feel in contact with the wall. I can feel how strong it is.
How it is keeping me from falling down.
Would you say that you know the wall more intimately
from this position than you did while ago?
Definitely. I am trusting in the wall and it is holding me
up. It feels very solid.
So you have learned from your risk of surrender that the
wall isnt made of paper or some optical illusion. It really
does connect with you in a way that you can touch and feel.
Exactly.
Very good. Lets sit back down. After a reflective pause,
the counselor says, So Joe, what have you discovered from
the leaning exercise?
117
I can see that Ive been hedging my bets with God by

keeping him at a safe distance. I think Ive been praying for
God to do my will, rather than the other way around. This
makes me curious about what will happen if I really surren-
der to Godif I give up being in control.
That is a profound awareness. I wonder if you might
close our session with a prayer along these lines.
Joe bows his head. Lord, Im sorry for struggling so hard
to control everything. I can see how Ive been resisting you.
Please help start trusting you more. Help me to lean on you.
Amen. (For more information, see pp. 166-167, Appendix I).
What you are after in Compass Therapy is a resourceful

use of any aspect of the counselees personality and human
nature that promotes effective learningthat moves persons
forward in solving current issues and expands their resources
for coping with new challenges. You want to tap the left and
right hemispheres, neo-cortex and limbic system, and central
and autonomic nervous systems. You want to make good use
of talking, emoting, sensing, role-playing, and praying. And
you want to express your own creativity, so that your passion
for counseling can deepen over many years.
118
12
CASE STUDY OF A TEENAGER ON DRUGS
Segments taken from an adolescent boys counseling proc-

ess will help introduce five techniques that have a good track
record for helping teens cope with alcohol and drugs. The
techniques include conditional alignment, collaborative im-
plantation, behavioral prediction, congratulatory affirmation,
and Grandmas rule. In this case, the Self Compass plays a
background role, though it is present in the form of guiding
my clinical intuition throughout the counseling process.
In working with substance abuse, we must keep sight of a
teenagers overall psychological and spiritual growth. We can
facilitate progress toward identity formation, personality
wholeness, and social integration, while at the same time
working on abuse issues. On the other hand, focusing on the
substance abuse as the main or only issue will mobilize mas-
sive resistance.
A photo of the galaxies taken by the Hubble telescope
hangs in my office. Written in calligraphy below the photo
are the words, Everything human is worthy of understand-
ing. The piece reminds me that a counselees inner-verse is
every bit as fascinating and worthy of exploration as the uni-
verse.
The techniques in this chapter are aimed at gaining ac-
cess to the counselees interiority, that subjective and emo-
tionally colored dimension that forms a persons inner cos-
119
mos. Only when the counselee says, Okay, I trust you

enough to let you into my private world, can the counselor
bring new information and perspectivein this case about
drug abusethat the counselee can ponder.
It is not easy to turn around alcohol or drug dependency
through individual counseling alone. For this reason, I often
encourage a counselees participation in a Twelve-Step group
such as AA or Narcotics Anonymous.
Conditional Alignment
I remember fifteen-year-old Jimmy coming into a first

session via an appointment made by his father. In the prior
week, Dad had raided Jimmys room and turned up a girlie
magazine under the bed and a bag of marijuana in the
dresser drawer. He had asked his pastor to recommend a
Christian therapist and was guided to me.
Immediately Jimmy and I faced a credibility problem. He
knew his dad had a strong agenda for him. He suspected that
Dad had recruited me to become a mouthpiece for his morals
and behavioral demands. If I showed naivety about his fa-
thers agenda, Jimmy would distance himself from me. How
could I bond with him in a way that showed my immunity to
his dads influence? How was I to convince Jimmy that his
relationship with me was impregnableand that his inner
life was worthy of our mutual understanding?
I began the process the day before by telling his father
over the phone: I appreciate your confidence in me, but you
need to know that whatever Jimmy tells me is completely
confidential. I can tell you that one of my general goals in
counseling is that counselees become free from addictive sub-
stances, but the choice must come from within the person,
and not through coercion. My first priority will be forming a
bond with Jimmy that he can trust.
The father said he understood and accepted these terms
for counseling. He seemed relieved that Jimmy had agreed to
see me at all.
120
Now Jimmy sat across from me, frowning. I said, I take it

that you and your dad are at odds over the drug thing.
Yeah, he said, eyes rolling. I smoked a little weed. He
acted like the FBI. He busted into my room. He stole my
stash and trashed a magazine.
Using a technique I call conditional alignment (pp. 167-
170, Appendix I), I intended to initially take Jimmys side on
any issue he brought up. By aligning myself with his point of
view, I would express genuine curiosity and interest that
would encourage deeper self-disclosure. The fact that this
alignment was conditional meant that I would retain my
right to provide new information, reflect conflicts I discerned
in his personality or relationships, and eventually point out
the detrimental consequences of drug dependency.
First, though, we had to form an alliance.
You must have felt furious, I said. Here you expect to
have some privacy in your own room, and he shakes it down
like youre a criminal.
You got it. Hes always on my case about how I should
dress different and who my friends should be. He wants me
to be this goody-goody who is totally stupid.
Its like he wants to make you over into his image.
Exactly. He cant remember what its like to be my age.
He freaked when he found my nudie magazine.
He cant believe his son looks at naked girls.
Yeah. I hate him.
What else is he clueless about?
Pot. Ive been smoking since the sixth gradethree
years. Dad drinks wine. I do a little pot and he throws a fit.
What a hypocrite!
So one of your problems is: How can I have a normal life
when my dad pesters me, invades my privacy, and goes crazy
after rifling through my stuff?
Can you make him back off?
Ill present your viewpoint with your permission. But
there will have to be some give and take on your part. Youve
121
got to figure out a way to connect individual freedom with re-

sponsible communication. Right now you two are so out of
touch that hes panicking.
I can be responsible. He just doesnt trust me.
Well explore more about family communication later on.
Right now Id like to hear more about you. Whats your favor-
ite music? (Here I kept us from entering an impasse that
would go nowhere. Making things right with Dad was too big
a topic for a first session. I wanted to zero in on building rap-
port and fleshing out the human dimension of our sharing. I
also wanted to de-emphasize the pot smoking, so that his de-
fenses werent activated against me).
Jimmy enthusiastically described his favorite CD. I asked
him to bring it to the next session so I could hear the best cuts.
Both the music and the lyrics would provide a direct route into
Jimmys personal world. Even if I disliked the music or dis-
agreed with the lyrics, I would remain fascinated with what it
all meant to Jimmy.
Because feeling accepted and understood is one of the most
prized experiences a person can have, I would keep aligning
with Jimmy during that first session and throughout the
therapy. At the same time, my personal and professional
autonomy would let me explore the incomprehensible moral
deterioration of pot addiction after I had earned his trust. I
resolved to do this very gradually, while always respecting
what he said in response. This would help us avoid the uncon-
scious projection of his power struggle with his father onto our
relationship.
I concluded the first session by saying, Jimmy, I really
like how up front you are with me. Some people hold a lot
back. But you say what you mean. I admire that. I also like
your intelligence. You are figuring out some pretty complex
things, like how to be an individual in a world that pressures
people into molds, and how to develop your own identity when
somebody keeps getting on your case.
Yeah. I just want the freedom to be real and not plastic.
122
So what happens now?

Id like to know how you feel about our relationshipand
whether you want to keep meeting.
My willingness to take or leave the counseling showed
Jimmy that I didnt need to help him if he didnt want my as-
sistance.
Its better than I thought. Id like to keep coming.
Then we can get together next week. Same time. Same
station. If your parents ask what we talked about, just say,
Dr. Dan says Im supposed to keep it private.
We shook hands and he left.
What is crucial to a successful first session when sub-
stance abuse is involved is making sure you lay no guilt trips
on the counselee, reveal no rush to judgment, and make it
crystal clear that you havent formed a hidden alliance with a
referring party.
Collaborative Implantation
With two or three sessions under our belts, I was ready to

introduce a new technique that would work synergistically
with conditional alignment. Collaborative implantation (pp.
170-172, Appendix I) would allow me to talk to Jimmy about
his drug use in the favorable light he would paint it. I needed
to let him educate me about his perception of the positive
value that pot held for him. Only if I showed genuine interest
would he take me deeper into his experience of getting
stoned: how it happened the first time, how his usage in-
creased over time, how he afforded paying for it, whether it
had escalated into addiction, and all the other details. I could
not take a moralistic stand against pot smoking.
I joined forces with him as though I was as interested in
pot smoking as he was. I showed awe when he described the
ecstasy of getting stoned, humor about his stories of fooling
his parents and teachers, intrigue about his view that pot
should be sold legally in shopping malls. I realize that show-
ing interest in an addicts inner world seems to defy a thera-
123
pists standing in church or community, not to mention with

regard to law enforcement. Yet there is wisdom in working
on the same team with persons who are proud of an addic-
tion, long before they accept that it may be harmful to them.
I believe that Jesus was particularly adept at this kind of in-
direct counseling.
I didnt feel alone in taking a guided tour of Jimmys inner-
verse. I had the sense that Christ was right there with us.
I love weed, Jimmy had repeated in a half-dozen ses-
sions. If they sold it in grocery stores, everybody in the
United States would be a lot mellower.
Id as often reply, Like, heres this great discovery youve
made about how to make it through each day. Yet your par-
ents and the legal system are saying, No. You cant do that.
How dare they!
The government is all screwed up. Theyre in denial
about what good citizens people would be if they were stoned.
Congress will start a war in another country and send you
there to get killed, but they wont let you smoke in your own
room.
Thats a pretty sophisticated argument, Id say. But
back to you. So when youre stoned, your worries melt away
and everythings right in your world, even though the rest of
the world is screwed up.
Yeah. Pot doesnt affect my judgment in a bad way. Its
more like I see life clearly.
Over time I paid my dues in listening to Jimmy extol the
positive values of pot usage. I earned the right to exercise the
second half of collaborative implantation: planting new seeds
regarding the negative side of pot in the fertile soil of his psy-
che.
Round about our eighth session I said, Jimmy, can you
enlighten me about something? Does smoking at night help
you read and comprehend your homework?
He frowned. My grades are down the toilet. But its not
the pot. Its the stupid subjects they make you learn.
124
When was it that your grades first took a nose dive? Did
you do poorly even in grade school?
No way. I was smart. I got As and Bs. Then in seventh
grade they started going down. I guess I just lost interest.
Thats an interesting coincidence. From what youve told
me, you started smoking once or twice a week at the end of the
sixth grade. Then in middle school it got up to around every
day or two. And now its about once or twice a day. What do
you make of that?
Its easy. Everything works better when youre stoned. So
as I got older, I got more freedom to go out after school and at
night. And I had more money. So why not smoke more?
Im a little curious, though, if theres a hidden correlation
with your studies. Like maybe it really is hard to read and
concentrate when your brain chemistry is altered by canna-
bis.
I think its just that I want to listen to music and hang
with my friends.
Let me ask you a question. If pot has the power to make
holes in your brain, kind of like earthworms digging holes in
the front lawn, would you want to know about it?
I dont know if I would or not. I think people make up sto-
ries like that just to scare you.
I reached over to the bookcase and pulled out a pictorial
portfolio, a collection of photos designed to make abstract con-
cepts more vivid. Flipping to a 3-D SPECT brain scan (single
photon emission computerized tomography), I handed the pic-
ture to Jimmy.
This photo shows the holes in brain activity that result
from regular pot smoking. The brains normal functioning is
damaged, similar to what happens when you get a stroke or
suffer from Alzheimers.
Jimmy gazed at the image, which looked like a rotten
cabbage. How did they take this picture?
They used radioactive isotopes to light up the brains ac-
tivity. The photo shows what parts of the brain have been
125
knocked out of commission.

Are these holes permanent?
Theres an invisible line you can cross in using drugs like
pot, where the damage becomes permanent. But if you ha-
vent crossed it yet, the brain can bounce back and recover a
lot of its original functions.
For the first time, Jimmy had no easy comeback for what
he had seen. He took in the new information, even though he
didnt have anything else to say about it. In balance with the
many positives he saw in daily pot usage, he had now wit-
nessed compelling evidence about the negatives. Yet my
clinical judgment was that he would selectively forget the in-
formation until we had established a firmer beachhead con-
cerning the possibility of a drug-free life.
I purposefully didnt pursue the issue of giving up pot be-
cause Jimmy lacked the motivation to do so. Also, I didnt
want him to resolve the mounting tension by placing me into
the category of another carping authority figure.
In the next few sessions I explored other aspects of
Jimmys life, in tandem with occasional revisits to the pot
question. I suggested that his intelligence might serve him
well should he take seriously his high school courses. We ex-
plored his interest in girls and dating. I listened to recent po-
ems he had written. We talked over what he might want to
do for a living. I elicited his views about God, society, and the
meaning of life.
At the same time, I wove into the fabric of our dialogue
two complementary techniques: behavior prediction and con-
gratulatory affirmation.
Behavioral Prediction and Congratulatory Affirmation
This pair of techniques is so potent that I want to develop

some theoretical tie-ins. As Freud suggested, human beings
have ego defense mechanisms through which they ward off
incoming data that feels threatening. Harry Stack Sullivan
called these defense mechanisms inner security systems.20
126
Individuals who abuse alcohol or drugs almost universally

defend themselves by denying their dependency. Even so,
there is a roundabout way to present new information about
addiction that doesnt trigger the alarm in someones inner
security system. Most people have an innate interest in figur-
ing out other peoples behavior. They have no qualms about
seeing the negatives in someone else that they deny in them-
selves. I decided to use Jimmys observations of his best
friend, Aaron, as a way of revealing Jimmys own behavior to
himself.
In our twelfth session, I initiated the technique of behav-
ioral prediction (pp. 172-175, Appendix I). I said to Jimmy,
Youve been describing how your pot usage has increased
over the past couple of years. But theres something more
subtle that I wonder if youve noticed.
Whats that?
Well, I know that you and Aaron are really close and all,
but I wonder if youve noticed something about him. Some-
thing that I would predict that has happened with him and
pot.
Like what?
Id predict that his social world has shrunk over the past
couple of years, kind of like Levis in the drier that shrink two
sizes. Id bet that by now he doesnt have anything to do with
anybody who doesnt do pot.
Jimmy laughed. Thats Aaron! Hes a total doper.
And so the way Id say this is that Aaron has only one
real loyalty in the world, and that is to King Pot.
Jimmy laughed again. Hed be so pissed if anybody said
that. He says hes totally free to smoke or not. Truth is he
cant get through a single day without getting loaded.
The behavioral prediction was taking hold; now for the
congratulatory affirmation (pp. 175-176, Appendix I).
That is such a powerful insight on your part. Most guys
who do drugs together have a loyalty that makes them blind
to their real behavior. But it sounds like you have a kind of
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intellectual overview, where you can describe Aarons behav-

ior for what it is.
I know Aaron is hooked on pot. But hes still a great guy,
and the best friend Ive ever had.
I admire your fidelity to the friendship. And I wonder if
youve ever realized that if you stop doing drugs, Aaron will
lose interest in you.
(By openly challenging Jimmys automatic pilot thinking
about life and relationships, I was inviting him to consider a
new horizon. This would help stimulate more complex
thoughts and broaden his range of insights. I had faith that
he would eventually make a quantum leap into constructive
abstract thinking that would generate new behavioral op-
tions).
No way. Aaron would never reject me over drugs.
Well, I guess its just a theoretical question, because it
sounds like youve never asserted yourself along those lines. I
wonder, though, if youre really as free as you think.
Fast forward to the next session, where Jimmy had just
explained how shocked he felt when he told Aaron that they
should go to a movie instead of getting stoned, and Aaron
said, Theres the door.
What makes behavioral prediction work is that objective
data about human behavior is on the counselors side.
Armed with knowledge about the LAWS of compass theory
(including the predictability of rigid trends), the counselor
can get the counselees attention by predicting other peo-
ples behavior with a fair degree of accuracy. In this case,
when Aaron behaved the way I had predicted, Jimmy took
note and became motivated to learn more about this kind of
foreseeing.
I cant believe he said that to me! he said with hurt and
incredulity. He was ready to dump me over nothing.
Nothing except that he had to get stoned that night. He
wasnt free to go to the movie without the drug in his system.
He would have felt too restless and agitated to watch it. Now
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let me guess about the movie. I bet you didnt want Aaron to
dump you, so you stayed and got stoned with him.
(I already knew it would be very hard for Jimmy to break
away from Aarons hold in a first show of assertion. He would
be far more prone to cave in and abandon the movie in order
to get stoned and preserve Aarons friendship. I couldnt go
wrong predicting that. On the other hand, if Jimmy had
stood his ground and gone to the movie alone, I would have
shifted to congratulatory affirmation and praised him for his
individuality. But if he caved in to Aaron, as I suspected
would happen, it would verify the hold that pot had on them
both and verify my behavioral prediction. Either way, Jimmy
was learning to notice the addictive power that pot was ex-
erting).
Yeah, and then he said Im the one whos a pothead.
Over the next several sessions, I seeded more concepts
about pot dependency. Jimmy duly noted them all in Aaron:
the tunnel vision of going to any lengths to get the next high;
the mental fog that blocked Aaron from studying or doing
anything else that required concentration; the loss of motiva-
tion for activities that didnt involve smoking a joint; the
emotional cocoon of feelings clouded by physiological stupor;
and the mental obsession that made most of Aarons ideas
lead back to pot. I explained to Jimmy that all these symp-
toms added up to identity foreclosurethe premature senil-
ity of a personality held hostage by King Pot.
In our fourth month of therapy, the inevitable happened.
Jimmy started sharing his concern that most of the symp-
toms hed seen in Aaron were present in his own life. He even
tried to cut back his usage, only to discover that a physical
discomfort and mental obsession tormented him. I explained
that these were the symptoms of withdrawal.
The time had come for some straight talk. Jimmy, I
really admire how honestly you talk about your need for get-
ting high. You have a keen intellect, so let me give you an
analogy for addiction. Lets say you go out one day and find a
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red ant bed. What is this strange looking mound, you think.
You decide to sit on it and see what happens. Sure enough,
the ants crawl under your clothes and sting the heck out of
you. But you get a buzz from the adrenaline this releases. A
week later, you go out looking for another ant bed. A year
later your body is covered with welts day and night, because
your whole life revolves around getting stung every day. Yet
no one can convince you that fire ants are bad for your
health. Right now the difference between you and Aaron is
that you are sick of getting stung and he isnt.
Grandmas Rule
In the fifth month of therapy, Jimmy and I had a strong

enough bond that I was ready to implement the next tech-
nique of Grandmas rule (pp. 176-177, Appendix I). I needed
to enlist Jimmys parents in this new phase.
True to my original stand with Jimmys father, I had kept
Jimmys disclosures confidential. Id told the parents only
what I said at the beginning, that I was a counselor who be-
lieved that substance abuse destroys lives, and that I worked
within a counselees frame of reference to encourage a drug
free life.
Now it was time to have a session with Dad and Mom. I
asked Jimmys permission this way: Say, Id like to meet
with your parents for a session every other week. I want to
help them understand that saying negative things to you
isnt helpful. And I want them to have better tools for under-
standing drug issues, so that they dont lecture and interro-
gate you, like youve been describing. Is this okay with you?
Sure, go ahead.
Now the same rules will apply to them as you. Their ses-
sions are confidential, just like yours. And its not fair for you
to snoop into what we talk about. Does that make sense?
Fine.
When the parents came in together, I got their input on
how Jimmy was behaving around the house. I heard out their
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concerns. Then I explained that I wanted to recruit them into

an overall strategy. When they agreed to help out, I asked for
a description of how they provided money or special treats to
Jimmy. I found out that they provided a fair number of free-
bies, often buying him designer clothes and his favorite CDs.
During the winter months, they would also buy him a sea-
sons ski pass.
I explained that contingency management is a fancy word
for what I called, Grandmas rule. Simply put, Grandmas
rule says that Johnny must take out the trash BEFORE he
gets a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie. Grandmas rule
structures the environment around simple rules that when
obeyed elicit rewards and when disobeyed forfeits those re-
wards. There is no negative emphasis on faultfinding, sham-
ing, or lecturing. Compliance results in the logical conse-
quence of a reward. Non-compliance means no reward.
I suggested it was crucial for them to halt their old habits
of arguing with Jimmy or interrogating him. I called these
futile gestures. Dad and Mom were to do their part in stating
and consistently rewarding specified target behavior. Scold-
ing and nagging were out. Dad balked. He was convinced
that behavioral management had no merits. I told him that if
he kept doing things his way, hed keep getting the same re-
sult he had gotten for three years: none. He then scowled at
his wife and muttered that if only she hadnt spoiled Jimmy
as a child, this never would have happened.
I had a choice here. I could either invite them in for mari-
tal therapy, or I could make my suggestions and let them do
what they would. I decided to offer my suggestions. I ex-
plained that from then on I wanted them to present a united
front concerning our strategy. I complimented them for being
caring and responsible parents.
In their next session, I coached them about the next few
weeks and months. Dad was to tell Jimmy that he would
purchase Jimmys choice of a CD each week that Jimmy did
two simple things for seven days in a row: 1) study for an
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hour each night with his room door left open; and 2) abide by
a nine p.m. week night curfew and an eleven p.m. weekend
curfew. The dad agreed.
What this did was set some material goodies within
Jimmys reach, if only he made a couple of small but signifi-
cant adjustments in his behavior. It indirectly addressed the
drug problem by getting Jimmy more involved in schoolwork
and home life, and gave him a little more distance from
Aaron and the dopers. By taking control of the environmental
structure, we were laying the foundation for Jimmy to
gradually develop sufficient inner control for a life beyond
pot. The dad followed through. Jimmy griped, complied, and
loved getting the CDs.
A month later I recommended that Dad offer to buy
Jimmy a season ski pass the first time he passed a urine
drug test of one month in duration. This introduced an objec-
tive test for drug use that rendered parental interrogations
obsolete and provided Jimmy with a direct means of attain-
ing the only other thing that meant as much as potfree ski-
ing. Since the weatherman was forecasting the first big win-
ter snow, there was a high probability of getting Jimmys at-
tention.
The third suggestion I made concerned the bigger picture.
In another month Jimmy would become eligible for a drivers
license. Knowing that there is no greater dream in a teen-
agers life than freedom to drive a car, I recommended that
Dad inform Jimmy that for every month he came up with a
clean urine test, he would receive one month of driving privi-
leges. Conversely, a dirty test would translate into a month
without keys and wheels. Naturally, Jimmy hated this plan.
On the other hand, since it was the only way to get the car
well, why not?
Notice how over three months we had changed the way
Jimmys environment functioned. Instead of the parents
carping, Youll do what we say as long as you live under our
roof, we had created three simple rules regarding study
132
time, curfew, and urinalysis. Abiding by these rules gener-

ated powerful rewards. Non-compliance wasnt punished
with shaming or grounding, but rather with withdrawal of
privileges that Jimmy really wanted. Jimmys free will was
left intact. He could either get free CDs, or not. He could ei-
ther get a free ski pass, or not. He could either drive the car
one month at a time, or not.
While the strategy was not flawless and needed trouble-
shooting, it was better than anything this family had ever
tried. Coupled with Jimmys weekly therapy sessionwhere
I would empathize with his woes about not getting his way
and where I could congratulate even his slightest progress
toward a healthier lifestylethe growth strategy began to
bear fruit.
In fact, during the sixth and seventh months of counsel-
ing, Jimmy cut his ties to the pot crowd, had some modest
successes in schoolwork (just from turning in homework),
passed two months of urine tests at the county agency, fin-
ished out the ski season, added some of the latest hits to his
CD collection, and relished driving the car around town.
In the eighth month, Jimmy and I spent the majority of
our therapy time upgrading his study skills and refining his
interpersonal communication skills. He had learned about
the Self Compass and was referring to its benefits in his po-
etry. I was amazed to see him use the fledgling virtues of
humble strength and caring assertion in building a relation-
ship with his first girlfriend.
I talked to him more about values and the need for a phi-
losophy of life, while listening and responding to all of his
ideas. His new ideology was that Congress should pass a bill
eliminating useless courses from high school curricula. I
thought this represented a distinct advance from his old con-
viction about selling pot in malls. When he asked where I de-
rived my own values, I mentioned that my relationship with
Christ was a significant influence, and passed on to him a
little book of Jesus sayings. He gave it some thought.
133
A couple of months later our counseling drew to a close. In

a parting session, I congratulated Jimmy for all he had ac-
complished.
The last I heard, Jimmy had successfully entered prep
school and, perhaps most importantly, had been clean and
sober for nine months.
Whether you are working with adolescents, adults, cou-

ples, or families, the background principles of the compass
model, combined with appropriate techniques, helps bridge
the gap between dysfunctional behavior and actualizing
growth. However, substance abuse issues require special
handling, since addiction radically truncates the capacity for
new learning. Even so, counseling can establish a foothold of
rapport that opens the door for a counselees gradual devel-
opment of insight, motivation, and progress toward a drug-
free life.
For additional information and examples regarding the
techniques of conditional alignment, collaborative implanta-
tion, behavioral prediction, congratulatory affirmation, and
Grandmas rule, I refer you to pp. 167-177 in Appendix I.
I suspect that you are as fascinated by peoples inner-
verse as I am, and that you have wonderful success stories
about individuals youve helped to heal and guide. I wish I
could hear some of your stories. For now, let me say that I
appreciate your devotion to taking good care of your counsel-
ees. I hope the best is yet to come.
134
13
A PARTING WORD
The week I received my doctorate so many years ago, my

pastor gave me a blessing that has lasted a lifetime. During
the Sunday worship service, Pastor Paul Savage and his wife
Ruth invited me up to the podium, decked out in my robe and
hood. They invited men and women from the congregation to
come up and lay hands on me for prayer.
A crowd of some twenty or thirty individuals formed
around me. Im not sure because they directed so much love
my way that my eyes were watering. People were laying
hands on other people, who were laying hands on me. I felt
an incredible solidarity with them. Then Pastor Savage
bowed his head and said, We are with you, Dan. And so is
the Lord. Go now, wherever God leads you, and heal people
through the gift of counseling that Christ has given you.
When I felt the heartwarming power of the Holy Spirit
coursing through my body, I realized how much I needed that
dedication. I had worked for many years to integrate thera-
peutic psychology with my Christian faith. I wanted above all
else to serve the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit in a way that
fulfilled Gods call on my life.
Only the Lord knows how faithfully Ive fulfilled that con-
gregations commission to go forth, healing and helping, as
best I could. I do know that this vocation has felt like a grand
135
adventure, even though Ive burned out a couple of times

along the way.
Now I want to offer you something from my own heart, in
case no one recently has told you how special you are. I ap-
preciate your courage to follow Christ into the ministry of
counseling and therapy. You are giving insight to the blind.
You are helping the hopeless. You are setting the captives
free. I believe in your calling. I value your passion for assist-
ing the individuals whom God sends your way. I know that
the work is sometimes exhaustingand that not all who are
helped remember to say, Thanks!
Yet you are making a difference. Individuals, couples and
families are finding their way to psychological and spiritual
wholeness because of you.
136
APPENDIX I
COMMENTARY ON TWENTY-FIVE TECHNIQUES
Compass techniques are valuable tools that serve a wide

range of functions in the counseling process. Techniques
make sessions come alive with movement and purpose.
Like camera lenses, they augment the conversational dia-
logue with a means for zooming in with close-ups, stopping
or fast-forwarding the action, and zooming out for a wide-
angle overview. A well-executed technique can:
Intensify, diminish, or sort out a counselees feelings

Clarify thoughts, assumptions, or expectations
Awaken a part of human nature that the counselee
avoids or ignores
Convey abstract principles in tangible ways
Explore past memories, present issues, or future pos-
sibilities
Portray relationships with people, places, or God
Expand the repertoire of behavioral options
Teach interpersonal skills
Make the unconscious conscious
Consolidate therapeutic gains
Expand a persons use of the Self Compass
137
In the course of this book, I have covered twenty-five

techniques that help implement the goals and principles of
Compass Therapy or any other approach. This Appendix
offers additional theoretical and practical insights into each
technique. It is organized as a compendium for study and
reflection.
For continuity, Ill follow the sequence in which the tech-
niques appeared in the narrative text, cross-referencing
Appendix I with the chapter and page where the technique
was first mentioned.
The twenty-five techniques include: 1) the Kleenex tech-
nique; 2) Socratic probing; 3) compass sketching; 4) coun-
selor self-disclosure; 5) positive self-fulfilling prophecy; 6)
mirroring; 7) time shuttling; 8) emotional modulation; 9)
behavioral rehearsal; 10) interpretation; 11) muscle melt-
ing; 12) peer mentoring; 13) projective analysis; 14) abbre-
viated word association; 15) normalization; 16) the purple
rhinoceros technique; 17) metaphor construction; 18) physi-
cal symbolization; 19) towel twisting; 20) the lean-against-
the-wall technique; 21) conditional alignment; 22) collabo-
rative implantation; 23) behavioral prediction; 24) con-
gratulatory affirmation; and 25) Grandmas rule.
Mastering a counseling technique requires a gradual
transition from self-consciousness mimicry to seasoned ma-
turity. You increase your skills with frequency of usage.
Eventually, the technique becomes part of your clinical in-
tuition and you find yourself using it effortlessly.
Whether techniques are used individually or linked to-
gether for synergistic effect, they empower your counselees
with discovery, insight, and skill acquisition.
How to Initiate a Technique
There are two ways to introduce a technique. The first is

to move directly into the technique without any explana-
tion. Lets say youve asked your counselee, Barry, how he
138
feels about so much time on his hands after retirement.

People do what they have to do, he says in a monotone.
You work for thirty years and all those people become like
your family. Then you retire. All of a sudden nobody cares
what you think anymore. You get up in the morning and
dont know what to do with yourself.
You recognize that by saying you, he is speaking in
generalizations, keeping a safe distance from his emotions.
If you dont challenge this verbal defense, he will spend
many sessions talking about people instead of disclosing
his own feelings. You initiate a pronoun shift technique by
saying, Barry, would you please say that once again; only
this time, say I and me instead of people and you.
Barry follows your instructions and suddenly comes into
direct contact with the very feelings about retirement that
he has been avoiding. I guess I feel lonelyand kind of re-
sentful that nobody at the old job calls to ask my advice on
anything. Now youve tapped into energy and issues that
are deeply felt. Do you see how easily your technique moved
Barry into a more productive direction?
The second way to initiate a technique is to explain
what you are going to do and the rationale for doing it. This
is analogous to a dentist saying: Youre going to feel a
slight prick and some pressure while I give this shot. As
soon as the numbing takes effect, Ill fill the cavity. Studies
show that when a person knows whats coming, anxiety is
diminished. Imagine that your counselee has been fretting
about the dismissive attitude that her boss Mr. Jenkins is
taking toward her. She seems so caught up ruminating
about his negative attitude that she has trouble paying at-
tention to your suggestions for maintaining her self-esteem.
You might say, I think were getting too bogged down in
words about you and Mr. Jenkins. Lets shift to role-playing
for something more concrete. How about replaying the
scene last week when he made that sarcastic remark to
you? I want you to be Mr. Jenkins, and show me how he
139
spoke to you. Im going to play you and try to come up with

a way to diplomatically stand up to him. Now the tech-
nique is launched and your counselee has an idea of where
you are headed with it.
Once a technique is in motion, you shape and sculpt the
energy the way an orchestra conductor guides musicians.
You dynamically blend together spontaneity and structure,
so that the action moves forward in therapeutically produc-
tive ways. Finally, you decide when to bring the technique
to a close.
For instance, after role-playing the encounter between
your counselee and Mr. Jenkins, you say, Okay. Lets stop
here and see what weve discovered from this. Your coun-
selee will have a chance to expand any insights and assimi-
late any new behaviors.
Here, then, are further comments about the twenty-five
techniques presented in this book.
1) The Kleenex Technique (Chapter 3, pp. 31-34)
To initiate this technique you simply hand a Kleenex to a

counselee and say, I wonder if you might do something with
this tissue that expresses how youre feeling right now.
This technique allows whats going on inside the coun-
selee to find creative expression in a malleable and visible
media. The counselees Kleenex sculpture is an excellent
warm-up for exploratory sharing, frequently leading into
emotionally significant material. In addition, counselees are
often pleasantly surprised that what they create reveals their
preoccupations.
When used in couples or group counseling, the counselor
needs to say, There is a firm guideline about sharing the
significance of your Kleenex sculpture: no judgment is al-
lowed. We are not here to make someone feel self-conscious,
but to allow the unconscious a creative venue for expressing
itself.
140
Should someone began to violate this rule, the counselor

immediately stops the transaction and says, Lets not go
that direction. Its more important to explore what the
Kleenex means to the person.
By the same token, regardless of the counseling milieu,
the counselors inputs should resemble those of a nurturing
art teacher who is examining the finger-paint creations of
elementary school children: Ooh. Ah! I see what youre
getting at. Youre very talented in expressing yourself.
Your Kleenex sculpture is quite intriguing.
2) Socratic Probing (Chapter 4; pp. 38-40)
Socrates was known for asking provocative questions that

would guide his students to examine the consequences of
their assumptions. Socratic probing, carefully sculpted, is a
way of keeping the conversation going with a counselee,
while deepening it with questions. The challenge is to main-
tain rapport while at the same time extending the coun-
selees awareness into new frontiers.
Lets say your counselee favors the aggressive trend in so-
cial situations. She is complaining about how aggressive a
police officer got with her when she was issued a traffic
ticket. I told him he had no business pulling me over when I
was trying to make it to the hospital to visit my sister!
From your view, he should have read your mind and
known why you were speeding. (This statement partially
sides with her and partially confronts her with her entitled
attitude).
Well, I know he cant read my mind. But he should know
that Im an excellent driver.
And did your record bear that out when he called in your
license number? (This is a Socratic probe, designed to keep
the responsibility for traffic violations on the counselees
shoulders).
I just had one violation last year, but they shouldnt give
141
tickets for U-turns that arent clearly marked.

So if only the police and the legislature would accom-
modate your driving habits, youd have no trouble with
them.
Youre not letting me get away with anything.
I guess Im suggesting that taking responsibility for
how you drive might be a healthier option than staying an-
gry at the police.
3) Compass Sketching (Chapter 4; pp. 41-43)
An impromptu Self Compass sketch can be developed at

any time during counseling and used for many purposes.
You can draw it from scratch on a blank sheet. Or you can
use sheets with the Self Compass already printed on them.
The idea is to brainstorm with counselees about how their
compasses are functioning in particular situations or rela-
tionships.
Take a counselee named Maria. At work she is a re-
spected physicist. At home she is an emotionally abused
wife. You take out two generic compass sheets, labeling one
Work and the other Marriage.
Maria, lets compare the difference between your Self
Compass when youre at work and when youre at home.
Maybe by seeing how you selectively use or ignore certain
compass points in these contrasting situations, we can
point the way toward more fulfillment on the home front.
Maria shares that at work she feels centered and compe-
tent. She isnt competitive with others, but rather works
with them by both listening and expressing herself. Her su-
pervisor has given her high evaluations for both individual
assertion and teamwork. She finds the rhythmic give-and-
take with colleagues satisfying, whether in casual conver-
sations or on a project.
The completed Work compass shows all four compass
points in good working order and complementary balance,
142
revealing that Maria knows how to experience the esteem

of the strength compass point and the courage of the asser-
tion compass point.
Assertion Strength
Estee
Courag
Humilit Ca
rin
g
Weakness Love
Marias Work Compass
Now you talk over what Marias Marriage compass looks

like.
Maria says, My husband likes to make all the decisions,
even about when and where we have vacations. At home, he
likes all the furniture arranged in a certain way. The garden
is planted with flowers that he wants. Sometimes I feel that
there are two people in this marriage: him and him. But I
have to be careful what I say because he gets mad easily.
Somehow the burden is always on me to be nice and make
him happy.
On the marriage compass you extend the weakness and
love compass points outside of the self-circle to indicate how
much Maria kowtows to her husband. Conversely, you trun-
143
cate the assertion and strength compass points into tiny

blips.
Assertion Strength
Estee
Courag
Humilit Ca
rin
g
Weakness Love
Marias Marriage Compass
By the end of the session Maria has formed an indelible

mental image of where she is stuck and where she needs to
take growth stretches toward more actualizing behaviors.
You spend the next two months helping Maria develop
stronger self-esteem and the capacity for diplomatic assertion
in the marriage. You show her how to calm herself in the
presence of her husbands pouts, rants, or attacks to her self-
esteem. Gradually but surely, he loses his manipulative
power and she reports more give-and-take in their communi-
cations.
4) Counselor Self-disclosure (Chapter 4; p. 42)
Counselor self-disclosure is the only technique that Ive
144
felt somewhat cautious about including in this book. The rea-

son is that the technique can be easily abused. Yet when
used with restraint and discernment, it is a powerful tool.
Let me relate an instance from my own history. When I
studied for my doctorate at the University of New Mexico,
there was a departmental requirement that every doctoral
candidate undergo one hundred hours of therapy. The intent
was to help us uncover and work through our own personal-
ity foibles before we ourselves became therapists. I had my
therapy under three different psychologists because I wanted
to experience their divergent styles.
In one of the sessions, I was talking about the acute
shame I felt in the sixth grade when a classmate targeted me
and beat me into unconsciousness. I didnt know how to fight
at the time, so even though I tried to ward off the blows, he
smashed my face until blood squirted from several cuts. Pur-
ple welts covered my face.
What made this situation so emotionally scarring was the
surprising aftermath. My girlfriend dumped me the next day,
saying she didnt want to go with a guy who couldnt stand
up for himself. For me, the heart wound was worse than the
facial ones.
I shared this incident with Dr. Zick, who did double duty
teaching therapeutic psychology at UNM and seeing counsel-
ees in his Lutheran church. His eyes grew moist when I re-
lived the beating and the humiliation I had felt. Once I had
gotten the experience off my chest, he shared a similar situa-
tion that happened to him at the same age. He told the story
with a sincerity that deepened my trust in him. And when he
got to the part where he, too, had felt terribly embarrassed
about not knowing how to defend himself, I suddenly felt
there were two of usno longer just mewho had walked
through that valley.
Counselor self-disclosure is sharing an aspect of your life
experience that is germane to the counselees struggles. You
145
offer a spirit of solidarity in a world where people sometimes

feel terrible alone.
There are three things to keep in mind when using this
technique: 1) dont share anything that is currently an issue
for you; 2) make sure the impetus of the session stays on the
counselees issues and feelings; and 3) dont share anything
that you wouldnt feel comfortable being known outside the
walls of counseling. Counselees do not take the same oath of
confidentiality that we counselors take.
A rule of thumb for me is that I will never make a coun-
selor self-disclosure that I would not write with equal open-
ness in a book.
5) Positive Self-fulfilling Prophecy (Chapter 4; p. 44)
As a counselor, you are in an unusually potent position for

strengthening a counselees dignity. Many people in your
counselees life experience have had particular agendas
through which they have manipulated the counselee. Your
goal, however, is to affirm the counselees essential being and
worth.
Lets say you are seeing Satra, an adolescent counselee
who spent his boyhood in New Delhi before his father took a
software design job and the family moved to America. Like
every counselee youll ever see, Satras social matrix will in-
volve a hodge-podge of peoples expectations about how he
should act and what kind of person he should become. Lets
imagine that Dad wants him to master mathematics, even
though Satra had no interest in the field. Mom wants him to
be a good boy and keep her first in his heart throughout life.
His classmates tease him for being too feminine.
What you seek to do, among other things, is to recognize
Satras core interests, desires, and talents, painting them in
a positive light so that he can have at least one person who
believes in him as he really is. You do this by listening for
times when he shares something about himself or his life
146
that excites himthat reveals personal passion.

Your first opportunity occurs when Satra is talking about
the poetry he writes in a secret notebook that he shows to no
one. You invite him to bring in the treasured possession. You
read several of the poems and reflect his interest in creative
expression. These are beautiful, you say. You have a real
knack for putting down on paper what is deep inside you.
You add a positive self-fulfilling prophesy: I can see you do-
ing this over your lifetime. Writing your observations about
life. Looking for word plays and phrases that get it just right.
Sharing your poetry with individuals who really appreciate
you.
He beams.
What has happened here?
You are breaking with all the voices that want Satra to
march to their drumbeat. Dad would say, Son, this is a com-
plete waste of time. You should be learning calculus. Mom
would say, Oh, these are lovely, but why dont you write
more poetry about our family? Guy friends might say, This
is sissy stuff. Get a life.
Because many of Satras friends and family see him
through the eyes of deficiency-perception, they see what is
lacking in him by their standards and tell him how he should
go about pleasing them.
As Satras counselor, you see him through the lens of a
non-possessive, non-intrusive concern for his actualizing de-
velopment. You alone may champion a being-perception that
shapes his passions into a positive self-fulfilling prophecy.
6) Mirroring (Chapter 4; pp. 45-46)
Use mirroring when you want to show counselees what

their behavior looks and sounds like. It is the next best thing
to actually videotaping them. Lets say that your counselee
speaks so softly that half the words are lost, especially at the
end of sentences.
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You say, I just want to do a quick mirror technique to

show you why I think other people regard you as rather in-
visible. You repeat exactly what she has said in as near an
approximation to her body language and voice intonations as
possible. Then you ask, What did you just observe in my
mirroring?
If the counselee feels self-conscious about getting this
kind of feedback, you explain that everyone feels self-
conscious when hearing a replay of their recorded voice the
first time, or when viewing photos taken when they werent
expecting it.
You say, Its natural to feel self-conscious when youre
learning something new about yourself. But once you take in
the new information, you can work on creative changes that
boost your effectiveness in communication.
7) Time Shuttling (Chapter 5; pp. 49-53)
It is crucial to understand that within the fifty-minute

session, you are the master of time. Everything of signifi-
cance about your counselee has occurred in time. You were
not there. But through the use of imagination and memory,
you can view the counselees life as though on videotape. Ask-
ing questions is the least efficient way to do this. Far better
is stimulating physiological memory traces through role-
playing a past event.
Your counselee has mentioned how his mother used to
embarrass him by pushing him forward in social situations
and bragging about him excessively.
You say, I would like to experience firsthand what your
mother was like. Lets pretend that I am you, and you are
her. You stand up and invite your counselee to also stand.
Where do you most vividly remember her bragging?
At a Kiwanis club noon meeting she took me to.
Okay. Im you. How old am I?
A senior in high school.
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How many people are at the Kiwanis meeting?

About thirty. We had just walked in when she started
marching me around to everyone.
You clear out a space by pushing the coffee table over to
the side. So lets pretend were walking into the club to-
gether. Then you be her and take it from there.
The counselee grabs you by the wrist and herds you up to
a pretend person. Oh, Dr. Feldsott, this is my son Mark. He
is a brilliant straight A student at Lincoln High School and
the finest boy in the world. Why, just last week he had a
leading role in the All-School Play and it was the finest per-
formance that youve ever seen. I am so proud of him. I just
know that someday hes going to join Kiwanis and make the
most wonderful president ever!
In your role as Mark, you stand there stiff as a board,
feeling the extreme shyness that would come with such un-
wanted limelight. Your counselee, in the role of Marks mom,
tightens his grip on your wrist and says to you: Well, Mark.
Speak up for goodness sakes and tell Dr. Feldsott how happy
you are to meet him!
You bring the role-playing to closure by saying, Okay,
Mark. Wow. I really get the picture of what your mom was
like. Lets sit down and talk more about how you felt growing
up around her.
Notice how you have exercised command over time. You
can compress it, move it into slow motion, fast-forward into
the future, or freeze the frame on one particular scene. In the
scenario I just described, lets say you want to freeze the
frame where Mom has just muted Mark with her bombastic
embellishment, followed by the demand for him to speak to
Dr. Feldsott.
You now say, Lets slow down and explore this powerful
memory, Mark. Id like you to picture the part where she is
pressuring you to speak. But instead of standing there mute,
Id like you to tell her how you really feel about her style of
introducing you.
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Mark takes a deep breath. Mom. I dont like it when you

push me out in front of people like Im a trained pet.
Tell her how it feels to be put on display, you say.
I feel so embarrassed by youand angry. If you re-
spected me at all, youd let me have my own experience of the
Kiwanis Club.
Thats good. Anything else youd like to say to her?
I resent that you always tried to make me an extension
of yourself. Youre the one who is extroverted. Youre the one
who always worries about making an impression. I want to
live by different values. I want to be my own personnot
your puppet!
Do you see how you have used time to give Mark a new
take on historical events? You are also helping him develop
new assertive behavior in place of his old inhibition.
On the other hand, when a counselee dreads a future
event, you can create a make-believe scenario and go there
either in fantasy or role-playing. You can help the counselee
find room to breathe by trying out alternative behaviors until
together you hit upon something that diminishes dread and
enhances coping.
Over multiple sessions, counselees begin to replace fear of
life with faith in life, in large part because they come to real-
ize that creative solutions are available for most human
problems.
8) Emotional Modulation (Chapter 5; pp. 51-53)
When you think of a counselees emotions in a given ses-

sion, picture that you are at a console that has access to a
control dial. As the counselor, you want to know how to
turn the intensity of emotion up or down, so that a coun-
selee doesnt come emotionally unglued on your watch.
Immediately you might suspect that I dont allow a carte
blanche expression of emotions in sessions. You are right.
Some schools of counseling have advocated that getting
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feelings out is the highest good, but I believe these schools

have caused a fair number of casualties among their coun-
selees. A contrasting school of counseling has suggested
that feelings arent all that importantthat teaching coun-
selees how to think logically and consistently is the way to
control emotions. I disagree with that, too.
The compass perspective is that thoughts, feelings, sen-
sations, and spirituality are all equally important in overall
functioning. In order to facilitate the development of a
counselees holistic human nature, youve got to know how
to amplify feelings when they are blocked or vague, and
quell them when they are overwrought or out of control. In
this way, the compass therapist isnt all that different from
an orchestra conductor, signaling to the counselee when
and how to move from pianissimo all the way up to forte. In
other words, helping the person learn how to modulate
their emotions effectively.
First, lets explore how to get the counselee out of a ma-
nipulative emotional jag.
Say Breanna has a histrionic attention-getting trend of
shifting rapidly from one emotion to another, and milking
each feeling for all its worth. Youve already explored with
her the impact of being an only child to a daddy who spoiled
her and a mother who competed with her: she learned to pout
or titillate, depending on what would get peoples attention.
Not only is she always emoting, but she also makes such
intense eye contact that people feel obligated to hang on her
every word. She expects them to. Of course, this makes every
conversation all about her, as she relates story after story.
How can you manage not to fall under her spell? How can
you give her any feedback about the self-defeating aspects of
her theatrical delivery, and the emotional drain that people
feel around her, without awakening her ire? How can you in-
terrupt her rigid way of functioning long enough to offer in-
sights about her personality and relationships?
The truth is that if you dont know how to shape and
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sculpt Breannas roller-coaster emotions, she will dominate

counseling sessions with her moods and end up learning lit-
tle. The answer is that you turn down the volume of any
given emotion by responding in a way that taps into her cog-
nition. You ask a question, make an observation, give an
overview, or otherwise engage her neo-cortex rather than her
limbic system.
I couldnt believe how rude the saleslady was. I told her
off right there in front of everybody! she exclaims. She
awaits your obligatory emotional engagement in her story,
but you dont go there.
Im curious, Breanna, you say, looking down at the floor
and then back at her to break her riveting eye contact. If
you were that saleslady, how would you handle waiting on
someone like you?
Breannas eyes grow wide. Then she laughs. Id think,
Oh no, Im really in for it now.
Thats a keen observation. So theres a part of you that
recognizes how demanding you can be. Is that right?
She smiles coyly. I guess I always expect people to take
me very seriously.
I wonder how we can help you enjoy your uniqueness
without having to blow it like a trumpet in peoples face? (By
using combinations of Socratic questioning, conditional
alignment, etc., you keep most of every session on cognitive
turf, and thereby aid Breanna in mobilizing her intellect.
Gradually, she learns how to think and converse without re-
lying on emotional fireworks.
Now lets turn to the opposite situation where a counselee

is so under-expressive that she doesnt even register feelings.
Jessica was raised with four older sisters and felt like the
runt of the litter. You note that most of what Jessica says is
introspective and pensive. Conversation with her lacks zest
and color. This is a situation where you want to get in the
control booth and turn the volume up every time you hear
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the faintest resonance of a feeling.

She is talking about the day when she was ten-years-old
and her dad up and moved them from the farm to the city,
without even a word to her.
So we moved from the farm to the city.
And?
And what?
How did you feel to suddenly leave that farm where you
had grown up?
Not good.
You notice that Jessicas habit of cognitive succinctness
cuts off all nuance of emotion. You decide to be those emo-
tions for her, until she can get in touch with some of her
deeper feelings. You are going to help expand her affect.
So here I am totally uprooted, you say, grimacing. Its
like a tornado is hitting our home. I feel panic. Dad and the
movers are packing everything up and hauling the furniture
into the van. No one says a word to me!
Thats what it was like, she says, her voice quivering.
You bet. Like, Dad, what in the world is going on? How
dare you move us out when I love it here!
Thats right. I couldnt believe my eyes!
And you wanted to say
She tears up. I wanted to start crying and grab his leg
and run over to Mom and make them stop. It was awful. I
ran and hid in my room.
You felt so sad to leave everything you lovedyour whole
life as you knew it
And I wouldnt ever see the horses and cows and play
house in the willow tree again! She covers her eyes with her
hands.
You hand her a Kleenex and say, Its like, Daddy, Im a
real live person. Im not a little nothing you can pack up like
a suitcase.
Yes. How can you treat me like this? You make me feel
like I dont even exist.
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Thats excellent, Jessica. You can feel the sadness, but

theres anger there, too, isnt there.
Yes. I hate feeling like a nothing. Why didnt he ask how
I felt about it? (She is moving away from the feeling and
back into the safety of cognition. So you intensify her feeling
by turning her question into an encounter with her father).
It seems like you really want to say, Daddy, pay atten-
tion to me. I exist. I have feelings about moving!
Yes, quit pretending that nothing is happening, and eve-
rything will be alright. Quit taking me for granted!
Ill stop here, but you can see how you can awaken long-
buried feelings and keep them on the front burner long
enough for a counselee to register them and work them
through. Though most of the time you will simply reflect
counselee emotions, there are occasions when your clinical
intuition will guide you to expand or contract these feelings
to good benefit.
9) Behavioral Rehearsal (Chapter 6; pp. 63-67)
A nurse is afraid of failing the physical resuscitation

(CPR) exam on the following Saturday. A college student is
fearful about a calculus final. A teenager doesnt know how to
handle social introductions. Behavioral rehearsal lets you
deal with an infinite array of practical situations that coun-
selees are facing now or in the near future.
A Broadway play starts out by running lines and blocking
scenes long before opening night. In the same manner, you
and the counselee can create imaginary scenarios that ap-
proximate what the counselee needs to master. It is good to
know that you can rehearse any future action in the here and
now of a counseling session.
Lets zero in on the nurse example. Nina is petrified that
she will flub the CPR demonstration she must give before a
certification board on Saturday. You ask how well she knows
the material.
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I can practically perform CPR in my sleep. But doing it

in front of everybody scares me to death.
Thats just stage fright, you say. Were going to do a
technique that will help you relax next Saturday and do what
you know. (Your tact is to build a back and forth rhythm be-
tween Nina performing the CPR procedure on Saturday and
Nina feeling fulfillment when the exam is over. This will
counter her performance anxiety by giving her unconscious
the perception that she has successfully completed the certi-
fication).
You start the behavioral rehearsal by saying, Okay,
Nina, just close your eyes and imagine youve arrived at the
exam site. Can you see it?
Yes, theyre having it at a gymnasium across town.
Good. Now walk in, look around, and find your seat.
She reports that she can see the panel of judges who are
evaluating the candidates.
Excellent, you say. Now theyre calling for you. Walk
over to the reclining dummy where you are to perform the
CPR. Can you see it?
Yes. I feel jittery. Im afraid Ill forget everything.
Thats perfectly normal. Remember, you are safe in the
office here. Nothing bad can happen.
Her face relaxes.
Now when you feel ready, kneel by the dummy and begin
the procedure.
She looks reassured. All right. Im starting
Please explain to me the first thing you do.
Well, Im putting a hand under the neck and lifting the
head slightly. Im looking into the oral cavity, making sure
nothing is obstructing the breathing.
Very good. Now continue through the procedure step by
step. Its as though the judges arent even there.
She does this, methodically explaining each element of
her training as she performs it. You add a supportive state-
ment now and then, like, Youre doing just fine. Look how
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much your unconscious remembers. Relax and take your

time.
Meanwhile, she has progressed through the procedure to
its conclusion. If she tenses her body and freezes up at any
point, you say, Now take a little break. You are doing really
well. Take of couple of breaths and see what you want to do
next. This keeps her unconscious involved in a creative way.
Shell likely respond: Oh yes, I was about to check the pulse
again.
When she is done, you invite her to savor the sensations
of accomplishment and to see herself receiving the certifica-
tion. After a minute or so, you say, All right, Nina. You can
come back to our session and open your eyes.
She blinks and then smiles.
How do you feel right now?
Good, she replies. Peaceful. It wasnt as hard as I
thought.
Because youve broken down the future event into behav-
ioral modules that could be mastered with relaxed concentra-
tion, her unconscious is now fully warmed up to the upcom-
ing event. When she arrives at Saturdays exam, her uncon-
scious will view the exam as an accomplished fact. She will
feel capable and able to unpack what she knows step by step.
Note that this doesnt amount to magical thinking, in
which someone expects to pass an exam without careful
study. Behavioral rehearsal takes for granted that counselees
have learned the required material. You are simply providing
a dress rehearsal in which they can experience success.
10) Interpretation (Chapter 6; pp. 65-66)
Interpretation involves suggesting new insights or mean-

ings to counselees that goes slightly beyond their present
awareness. You can offer interpretations about family of ori-
gin dynamics, personality trends, motivation and perception,
other peoples behaviors, possible connections between the
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past and present, and anything else of potential therapeutic

value. Present these insights as tentative hypotheses that
invite your counselees response. By modeling an attitude of
open-ended exploration, you help the counselee to develop an
open mind and a creative outlook.
Remember that if your counselee becomes suddenly self-
conscious or defensive, it is best to shift from interpretation
(which is cognitive in nature) to emotional reflection (which
re-establishes rapport and lets the session move forward).
11) Muscle Melting (Chapter 6; pp. 66-67)
Therapists greatly enhance their effectiveness by paying

close attention to muscle tension versus muscle relaxation in
the body. When you drive, you build the habit of checking for
vehicles in other lanes by regularly glancing in the rearview
and side mirrors. When you counsel, you learn to sweep your
eyes in an arc that encompasses the counselees face, abdo-
men, and hands, scanning for the telltale signs of muscle ten-
sion.
Tension in the face usually manifests itself through the
frontalis muscle of the forehead or the mandible muscle of
the jaw. When your counselee has the habit of scrunching the
brow or clenching the jaw, you can pause at a point of your
choosing and say, Id like to make you aware of something.
Very often when you have a strong feeling, you tense up your
forehead (or jaw). If we can help you learn how to be aware of
this muscle tension, then you can easily learn how to relax
these muscles.
If your counselee agrees to follow your lead, you proceed
by teaching selective muscle melting. You have the counselee
deliberately tense the muscle in question to a slow count of
three, followed by relaxing the muscle completely when you
again reach three. You repeat this procedure several times,
saying, Now each time you release the tension, allow your-
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self to feel the difference between tension and relaxation in

this muscle.
From this point forward, you give yourself permission to
occasionally give the counselee feedback about this muscle: I
notice that your jaw is tensing up as you describe your
mother. Or, Thats good muscle melting of your forehead,
even though you are concentrating right now. Of course, you
dont want to go too far and make your counselee self-
conscious. But just enough feedback can contribute to your
counselees integration of mind, feelings, and body.
Muscle tension in the frontalis muscle of the brow, the
trapezius muscle of the neck and shoulders, the mandible
muscle of the jaw, the stomach muscles of the abdomen, the
digitalis muscles of the hand, and the lower back muscles all
create a distracting white noise in the brain, like buzzing
static on a radio station.
This white noise makes it difficult for counselees to tune
in to what they are feeling in the moment, or even think
clearly and creatively about what to do next. Furthermore,
chronic muscle tension leads to psychosomatic symptoms
that are problematic in their own rightheadaches, back-
aches, higher blood pressure, and pains and strains in the
musculature, all of which detract from healthy personality
functioning. Conversely, a more relaxed body leaves the
brain free to concentrate and the emotions able to form vivid
impressions.
Another vital area well worth ten minutes of session time
is to focus on abdominal breathing. You notice that your
counselee is prone to shallow thoracic breathing, in which the
upper chest moves up and down with each breath. After in-
troducing the topic, you say, This shallow breathing in-
creases your anxiety and deprives your blood of the rich oxy-
genation you need for maximum brain power.
You move into the muscle melting technique. What Id
like you to do is place your right hand on your chest, and
your left hand on your belly. Thats good. Now take a series
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of long deep breaths from your belly alone. See if you can
keep your right hand on the chest stationary, while moving
the left hand on your belly up and down.
You model what you want the counselee to learn, making
your left hand move up and down with each slow breath
taken from your abdomen. Two-thirds of your lungs extends
down into the abdomen, you say. But because you typically
dont breathe from there, youre getting only a fraction of the
air that you need. We are teaching you how to fully inflate
the lower lungs so that you get plenty of oxygen with each
breath.
Your counselee practices a little more, and then you close
the technique by saying, Id like you to remember how this
feels today. Try out some abdominal breathing this week.
You can do it when youre driving the car, standing in a gro-
cery store line, or sitting at a business conference. No one
will notice, but your body will respond with increased relaxa-
tion and serenity.
12) Peer Mentoring (Chapter 9; pp. 86-87)
Peer mentoring involves forming an agreement between a

counselee and another person for some kind of specific assis-
tance. You bring it up by suggesting how such an alliance
might help your counselee develop in a certain area. If your
counselee is amenable, you offer encouragement to contact
the outside party; or, if he or she wants you to make the ini-
tial contact, you obtain a waiver of confidentiality that allows
you to do so. From then on, simply ask the counselee each
week how the peer-support is working out. This kind of
therapeutic augmentation works best when the counselee is
part of a congregation, college, or Twelve-Step group, where
someone has developed the very skills or insights that the
counselee needs to learn.
One of the beauties about the Body of Christ is peoples
willingness to help others along lifes way. Indeed, the Holy
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Spirit often facilitates supportive networks that stimulate

growth and are graced by a spirit of caring.
Peer mentors dont necessarily have to be the same age. I
have done intergenerational linkups, where a young person
who lacks parental support is connected to a childless older
couple, or where a gregarious family invites a lonely foreign
student to become practically a member of the family.
Any congregation provides fertile opportunities for people
to rework relational needs more successfully than perhaps
their family of origin has ever allowed. Peer mentoring is a
dimension of Compass Therapy and pastoral care that invites
support from the local church and community.
13) Projective Analysis (Chapter 9; pp. 87-88)
While most people are familiar with the psychological

concept of projection, few have examined and attempted to
neutralize their own projections. You can enlist counselees in
discussions where they explore how they are infusing a pre-
sent perception with content from a past event or relation-
ship.
You help the woman who belongs to half a dozen protest
groups become aware that she is projecting her uncles sexual
advances toward her in childhood out onto her adult world.
She unconsciously looks for political and social action groups
that defend victims of injustice. In fact, she is almost frantic
in doing so, having so much energy to protest injustice that
theres little left for living a constructive life.
You help bring the long-buried memories about her un-
cles misbehavior into the light of consciousness. After sev-
eral sessions she finds relief from the inner pressure of these
old memories. Over the next month she is able to withdraw
the projections of her uncles abuse onto the world at large.
In a next session, you suggest, Maybe its time to re-evaluate
all the clubs and causes you belong to, and commit only to
those with current meaning and reward. Her anxiety dimin-
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ished, she loses interest in several of the protest groups. She

reinvests this time and energy in developing other interests
and talents.
14) Abbreviated Word Association (Chapter 9; pp. 92-93)
Therapeutic techniques are originally developed as part of

a particular school of psychology or counseling that had its
own philosophy and agenda. Compass Therapy takes the po-
sition that any effective tool can be adapted for creative use
in your counseling practice.
For instance, it takes clinical training and certification to
use such projective tests as the Thematic Apperception Test
or the Rorschach Ink Blot Test. While there is a place for
technical proficiency, we shouldnt get the idea that the pio-
neers in these fields have the last word on how visual images
or inkblots can be used. Thats like saying that because the
Wright brothers discovered the principles of flying, all air-
planes should look like their Kitty Hawk.
You can make your own catalogue of photos depicting
human relationships, or inkblots that are imaginative and
evocative, and you can use these however you wish. In the
case of the free association technique first developed by
Freud, you can develop your own variations, depending on
your goal for a segment of counseling.
One variation Ive used is to take the initial word a coun-
selee offers and feed it back verbatim, while asking for the
next word that comes to mind. I do this with each word that
comes up. This way, the counselees unconscious guides us
right into the territory of emotionally charged word-
associations that become the launching pad for discourse and
exploration. The whole process may last only two minutes, at
which time I stop the technique and move into productive
dialogue.
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15) Normalization (Chapter 9; pp. 93-94)
Sometimes counselees think they are the only human be-

ings who have ever had a broken heart or experienced a dev-
astating rejection. They feel abnormal. But this feeling is
changed when the counselor adds perspective by saying
something like, You know, heartbreak is as inevitable as the
common cold. Nobody wants it. Everybody comes down with
it. You just blow your nose a lot and get the rest you need un-
til your immune system recovers. Then you get back in the
game of life and play the next round. Ill show you some ways
to get this heartache out of your system without becoming an
emotional invalid. Then once your confidence comes back,
well explore how to combine love with discernment, so you
can increase your odds for developing a successful relation-
ship.
There is a transformational shift that occurs when some-
thing that seems dark and alienating turns out to be a nearly
universal human experience. Hope replaces cynicism or bit-
terness. Curiosity replaces defensive fears. The counselee
feels welcomed back into the human race.
16) The Purple Rhinoceros Technique

(Chapter 9; pp. 93-94)
Often when idea fixation is the problem, the purple rhi-

noceros is the answer. Many religious people run into this
problem during their spiritual journey, when for no apparent
reason, their mind presents them with a thought that runs
against the grain of their religious sensibilities.
Religious counselees, especially those with overly scrupu-
lous consciences, can accidentally pair the name of God or an
image of God with sexual organs, defecation, or vulgar words.
The unconscious is simply playing a What if game, the way
it does in imagining fairy tales or seeing monsters in a dark
room. What makes the union of seemingly irreconcilable op-
posites stick in the mind is the assumption that it is taboo. It
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brings substantial relief for counselees to hear that it is per-

fectly normal to think about bizarre polarities, the way you
might become intrigued with trying different pieces of a jig-
saw puzzle into an unfinished section.
The prime focus for this technique involves telling coun-
selees NOT to think of a purple rhinoceros. Naturally, the
harder they try, the more they fail. Conversely, as soon as
they relax and give the image free reign, the image fades
away. This technique shows them firsthand how to be re-
leased from idea fixation.
17) Metaphor Construction (Chapter 10; pp. 97-105)
I learned the power of a metaphor to encapsulate a con-

cept when I was nineteen and about to take my first flight on
a jet. I was part of a college co-op program in electrical engi-
neering. For the work phase, NASA was going to fly me to a
South Pacific island where I would work as a satellite
tracker. I shared my excitement about the flight with a close
friend.
Youre in for it now, he said.
Whys that?
Because jets are like gigantic boulders. If theres an en-
gine failure they drop straight out of the sky! He made a
hand gesture mimicking a jet plunging to earth for a crash.
I couldnt erase my friends metaphor from my mind.
Through the twenty-hour flight, I sat on the edge of my seat,
just waiting for the jet to fall out of the sky. Thats the power
of a metaphor!
In counseling, you want to deliberately utilize the staying
power of a metaphor. You tell the counselee who is facing a
third month of unemployment, Youre like an orchid on the
edge of a cliff. Youre growing even though things look pretty
bleak right now.
You say to the distraught parent who is at her wits end
with a teenager sons rebellion: He has signed a Declaration
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of Independence, and though I wish hed treat you more re-

spectfully, I think that hes reached the age for writing his
own Constitution. Only later in life will he want to build
trading relations with you, like the Americans finally did
with the British.
You point out to the person who has hit low bottom:
Sometimes God digs the deepest hole in order to construct
the tallest building.
You suggest to the girl whose boyfriend treats her like
dirt: Sometimes its better to have a quick amputation than
to die of gangrenemaybe its time to dump him.
18) Physical Symbolization (Chapter 11; pp. 107-118)
Think of how much about life a child learns from touch-

ing, pushing, and pulling objects in its environment. Adults
retain this capacity for learning and self-expression through
the body.
A large portion of the brains gray matter is wired for sen-
sorimotor learning. Counseling that respects a persons whole
human nature takes advantage of how God has constructed
the brain.
A counselor needs to pay as much attention to what is
happening in a counselees body language as to what the per-
son is saying in words. Counselees can create verbal smoke-
screens, but the body never lies. With practice, you can deci-
pher the bodys signals while at the same time following the
verbal gist. When you observe incongruence between the
mind and the body, you can make an observation about this
dissonance.
A husband and wife are talking to each other in a session.
Shes reprimanding him for how his mind drifts during their
conversations, making her repeat the things he doesnt hear.
In a one-minute period of watching their mutual body lan-
guage, you make some observations. She talks non-stop in a
shrill voice, her face constantly frowning. He sits with arms
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folded and eyes turned away, regularly shaking his head in

silent protest. Their bodies tell the history of the relation-
ship.
You can draw their attention to the various aspects of the
mutual body armoring to supplement your interactions with
them. Once you have made each of them more conscious of
how their bodies are influencing the communication (and
lack thereof) between them, you can say at any time,
Whoops, Jennifer, youve slipped into the fire engine deliv-
ery again. Or, Bob, are you aware that you started hum-
ming the moment Jennifer brought up her desire to remodel
the kitchen?
19) Toweling Twisting (Chapter 11; pp. 113-114)
Many counselees need practice in expressing anger or

annoyance in diplomatic ways. Some counselees have re-
pressed their anger for years. Others are addicted to the
adrenaline rush that anger brings. In either case, counsel-
ees can learn from the towel twisting technique how to stay
in touch with an assertive action (squeezing the towel) while
at the same time looking for effective ways to state their
feelings. What might first come out as Damn you to hell!
can be gradually modulated into, I really feel hurt and up-
set when you talk down to me.
Twisting a hand towel is a harmless activity that allows
muscles to release the tension of pent-up anger. Talking
about the anger as one is twisting the towel helps convert
physiological frustration into verbal expression.
The idea here is to practice experiencing an emotion
while simultaneously thinking about it. In using the towel
twisting technique, you are helping counselees integrate
thought, feeling, and sensation, so that when a similar
situation happens in real life, they know how to take their
time in sorting it out. You slow down imploding or exploding
anger into the more productive activity of fully feeling an
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emotion, and then communicating it to someone else.

This kind of technique can be used multiple times over
the course of counseling with accruing gains, the same way
you can learn more about riding a bicycle each time you
mount one. Anger management training reduces accidents in
the macrocosm of life by studying how assertion can be ex-
pressed in the microcosm of a controlled technique.
One contraindication. I suggest you stay away from this
kind of physical expression of anger with a counselee who is
overtly hostile or aggressive. You dont want to over-
stimulate the person to the point of having a temper tantrum
that can be turned against you! If you feel in doubt about
your clinical judgment in this matter, dont use the technique
at all.
20) The Lean-Against-the-Wall Technique (Chapter 11;

pp. 115-118)
Here is another technique I suggest not using if there is

any risk of physical injury; for instance, if a person has a his-
tory of back pain, knee injury, or spinal abnormality. Also,
dont encourage a person to move their legs more than a foot
or so from the wall. All you need is a slight lean to develop
the felt sensation of trust in the walls ability to support the
leaning person. As shown by the example in Chapter 11, this
physical symbolization for trusting in the Lord offers coun-
selees a felt sense of what it means to let go and let God.
There are three scriptures I sometimes mention during
the technique to strengthen a persons visceral trust in God:
Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty

hand of God, so that he may exalt you in due
time. Cast all your anxieties on him, because he
cares for you (1 Pet 5:6-7).
Therefore do not worry, saying, What will we
eat? or What will we drink? or What will we
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wear? For it is the Gentiles who strive for all

these things; and indeed your heavenly Father
knows that you need all these things. But strive
first for the kingdom of God and his righteous-
ness, and all these things will be given to you as
well (Mt 6: 31-33).
Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you the
desires of your heart. Commit your way to the
Lord; trust in him, and he will act (Ps 37:4-5).
Once counselees have felt the comfort that comes from

leaning into the wall and feeling totally supported, you reseat
them, inviting them to share how the exercise might carry
over into a more active trust in God.
21) Conditional Alignment (Chapter 12; pp. 121-122)
As you may sense, the very term conditional alignment

is a paradoxical one. If you are going to align yourself with
someone, shouldnt it be all the way, and not just partially?
Even Carl Rogers term unconditional positive regard im-
plies a complete validation of the client. So why am I suggest-
ing a partial and conditional alignment?
My supervisor at a psychiatric hospital had put me in
charge of a therapy group.
A young woman named Marilyn, with a psychiatric diag-
nosis in those days of manic-depression, was in a very ele-
vated and seductive mood. She seemed so articulate, so en-
thusiastic, so brimming with life and energy, that I was com-
pletely taken in. I fell under her charm, thinking how posi-
tively she was responding to my direction of the group. I gave
her the floor too often, and chuckled at her witticisms too
frequently.
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that my supervisor,
who was seated next to me, wasnt emoting like I was. I won-
dered why he wasnt validating this woman. I also wondered
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if he was hurting her feelings by remaining impassive.

About that time, Marilyn jumped up and said, Id like to
take off my blouse now, just to feel a little freer.
I froze.
She had several buttons undone before my supervisor
stood up and took over the group.
Marilyn, he said, in a completely firm voice. Thats not
group appropriate behavior. Now button up your shirt so we
can continue.
She looked shocked and appalled. But there was a kind-
ness in his face that clearly showed he wasnt trying to em-
barrass her. He was simply setting boundaries that were
unmovable.
She buttoned up. He then said, Marilyn has shared some
lively energy today. I think its wonderful that she feels such
trust in the group. Now lets give equal time to someone
elses issues.
Another patient raised a hand and began sharing.
Marilyn relaxed and sat back in her chair. I marveled at how
my mentor had kept his professional demeanor by showing
conditional alignment that still left him room for assertion
about procedural boundaries. At that moment I understood
the difference between a seasoned pro and a student-in-
training like young Dan Montgomery.
In a similar vein, it is wise to become self-aware of your

own body language in sessions. Do you smile too often or
never at all? Do you nod your head at too many counselee
statements, or display too much of a poker face? If you have
any of these tendencies, take a growth stretch by developing
a more human look that conveys your interest and empathy,
while not making you a puppet whose strings can be pulled
by the counselee. You need freedom to show concentration,
humor, enjoyment, delight, intrigue, and even gentle confron-
tation. You dont want your expression to leave the counselee
feeling judged or overly validated. You might say that a life
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goal of a really proficient therapist is to keep becoming more

fully human, while at the same time developing a profes-
sional manner that instills trust in the counselee.
You want counselees to learn from a first session onwards
that you are there to evaluate what they say, discern what
motivates them, and connect with their feelings without be-
ing sucked in. Counselees dont just need affirmation and ac-
ceptance; they need corrective feedback, educational over-
views, and therapeutic insight into how they can grow more
whole.
By presenting a balanced posture of listening and re-
sponding, you convey that you are sculpting each session,
while giving them space to be themselves. You are offering
alternative views about what concerns them, while respect-
ing their subjective view. You are calling attention to the dis-
sonance between what they are saying and what they are
feeling, while affirming their native intelligence.
Lets say a man is disclosing how annoyed he often feels

towards his wife. Yet he sugarcoats the story to blame her for
his short fuse. He doesnt even believe he has an anger prob-
lem. This is called experiential dissonance, a common coun-
selee dilemma.
I cant stand it when were suppose to leave the house at
a certain time and shes still putting on her lipstick. Shes
always making us late. You notice that his hands are curled
into fists. But he isnt aware of this.
So you pride yourself on being very punctual, and from
your view, your wife should be considerate enough not to
keep you waiting.
Or make us late! he says.
And you feel very angry at her for behaving this way.
I never get angry. But I do set her straight. She just
never learns.
Now I wonder if you could look down at your hands right
now. What do you see?
169
Well, theyre doubled-up, I suppose. Its just that she has

that effect on me.
Do you suppose you might try saying: I make myself
quite angry at the way my wife handles time.
I just want her to respect me.
Somehow you are denying what your fists are telling you.
Can you try saying this sentence: I sometimes feel impatient
and angry.
Alright. I sometimes feel impatient and angry.
How does it feel to say that?
Okay, I guess. Ive always been like that.
Like what?
Wanting to get places on time.
And I suppose that worked pretty well for you when you
were single.
It did.
But when you married and your partner had a different
timetable
I became impatient and angry. He smiles impishly. I
just dont like admitting it.
You can see that by reserving the right to your own clini-
cal viewpoint, you keep yourself from becoming enmeshed
with counselees. You maintain the freedom to disagree with
them, or offer a diverse perspective that they can try on for
size, even while prizing them as persons. That, in essence, is
conditional alignment.
22) Collaborative Implantation (Chapter 12; pp. 123-126)
Jesus used the analogy of planting seeds to describe the

process whereby people are exposed to Gods Word and de-
velop their unique way of responding to it. I like this earthy
analogy. It has similar implications for the counselor who
wishes to plant seeds of personality wholeness or interper-
sonal communication in counselees. I am always watching
for the opportunity to plant the seeds of caring, courage,
170
humility, or esteem in counselees, for these can eventually

germinate into personality balance and interpersonal ful-
fillmenttwo universal human needs.
Collaborative implantation lets you reflect the counselees
perceptual field while at the same time sewing seeds for
needed growth. (See Appendix I, pp. 170-172).
Shen is a sixteen-year-old sophomore who doesnt like
school. He spends a lot of time alone in his room listening to
the latest teen music and playing video games. You are work-
ing with him to overcome his withdrawn trend and its con-
comitant social isolation and depression. After three months
youve helped him develop an interpersonal language for his
feelings and receive adjunct medical therapy in the form of
an antidepressant. He is doing much better now in holding
his own with new friends and paying attention in class.
A new problem arises that Shen doesnt recognize.
My sister is so stupid when it comes to music. I really let
her have it this week.
As you explore this new topic, you find that Chunnie,
Shens thirteen-year-old sister, idolizes him. She hangs on
his every word and takes what he says to heart. You realize
hes trying out his newfound strength and assertion by put-
ting her down a lot. How do you help Shen develop a more
compassionate attitude toward his sister, while continuing to
develop his strengths?
Chunnie is so ridiculous, he chides. She thinks these
totally plastic rock groups are so cool.
You try collaborative implantation.
Sounds like she doesnt have your sophistication in lis-
tening to music. Yet she looks up to you so much. I bet shed
be so thrilled if you became the nurturing brother that she
needs.
What do you mean?
You know; someone who believes in herwho helps her
along without criticizing her. Of course, that takes quite a lot
of skill. Most big brothers talk down to their little sisters.
171
They dont know how much damage that causes.

Its just that I cant believe some of the groups she likes.
Theyre terrible!
I know what you mean. The groups she chooses are ones
you might have chosen at thirteen, before you developed
more musical expertise. I can tell it would be hard for you
and maybe even impossibleto keep some of your critical
comments to yourself.
I can do that. But who will teach her whats what if I
dont?
So it seems to you like a special mission in life to correct
your sister and make her adopt your beliefs and tastes. Like
maybe she should be your clone.
Hey, Im not that bad. But I get what youre sayingthat
I shouldnt get on her case so much.
Thats a very mature insight. Im impressed. Keep that
up and I bet youll be giving her a supportive hug before you
know it.
Do you see what is happening? How Shens rigid and
sophomoric superiority is being challenged with new growth?
And how his one-upmanship is expanded into a word picture
of what it would look like to develop a more supportive big
brother role?
In fact, because youve planted these seeds of healthier
give-and-take with his sister, Shen gradually shifts his be-
havior in that direction. You feel gratified when a couple of
months later Chunnie comes in for a session. She mentions
in passing how well Shen has been treating her.
23) Behavioral Prediction (Chapter 12; pp. 127-129)
I mentioned behavioral prediction in Chapter 12, when I

predicted to Jimmy that his friend Aaron would reject him if
Jimmy sought a clean and sober lifestyle. As soon as Jimmy
made the slightest effort to suggest something other than the
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nightly drug routine, Aaron showed the accuracy of my pre-

diction.
There are many creative ways to use the technique of be-
havioral prediction. A very different example comes from a
father who was in counseling to repair a broken bond with
his thirty-year-old daughter, who lived in another city. In a
curt letter Sharon had told him he was impossibly control-
ling, critical, and self-righteous. This baffled Robert com-
pletely, because as a good Christian and board member of his
church, he felt above reproach.
I asked Robert to write a sample letter to Sharon and
bring it to our next session. Roberts letter read:
Dear Sharon,
I thought Id write a note to check and see
how you are doing in the city. Remember how
important it is to get involved in the community
where you live. A big city can be a very intimi-
dating place, and even somewhat dangerous. Be
sure and join a local church so that you can find
some wonderful friends wholl look out for you.
I know you have been somewhat shy over the
years, but when one reaches full adulthood, one
must overcome certain childhood habits and
make progress in learning social skills. Please
take me seriously when I say that you need to
speak up for yourself and take care of obliga-
tions promptly, so that your bills are paid and
people see you as responsible. Make sure, too,
that you register to vote, because every Ameri-
can has an obligation to support the democratic
values that make this country great.
Write soon, and dont forget to put a stamp
on the envelope.
Love, Dad
173
We worked through this letter line by line, with me pre-

dicting how Sharon would likely respond to the superiority,
insulting remarks, condescension, and aloofness embedded
in the emotional nuances of each sentence. These were en-
tirely new insights that shook Robert to the core. After all,
this was the very way his father had written to him once he
became an adult. So from his view, he was passing the
torch from one generation to the next. He could hardly be-
lieve his ears when I showed him how hurt, angry,
wounded, and dispirited Sharon would feel by the time she
read, Love, Dad.
During the next month of sessions we discussed and
role-played healthier principles of father-daughter commu-
nication. Robert said hed like to put what he had learned
into a new trial letter. Thank God, he hadnt sent the other
one!
The new letter read:
Dear Sharon,
Im wondering how youre doing these days.
Were having some pretty severe snowstorms. I
feel a little gloomy about the overcast days and
really look forward to the spring thaw-out.
I was just thinking about your birthday next
month. I wonder what would be a real treat for
you. A couple of ideas came to mind and Id like
your input. Id love to fly in overnight and take
you out to dinner. Then if youd like, we could
take in a movie or play. Let me know if this
could work. Either way, Id like to get you a
couple more of those Shakespeare books that
you always enjoy. Would you like a gift certifi-
cate to Barnes and Noble, or Borders?
Mom sends a hug, as do I.
Love, Dad
174
Did you notice the compass swings into love, assertion,

weakness, and strength that Robert expressed in the re-
vised letter? This new way of making emotional contact
with his daughter began a long-overdue reconciliation be-
tween them. I monitored the exchange of letters, to help
Robert not fall into his old controlling trend. He really
proved his new growth was genuine when he did fly in to
visit Sharon. They had the most enjoyable communication
he had ever known. A variation on the behavioral predic-
tion technique had opened the door, and this brave dad had
stepped through.
24) Congratulatory Affirmation (Chapter 12; pp. 127-130)
It is important to make counselees feel visible in positive

ways. Since they are often in pain and experiencing an un-
dercurrent of vulnerability, it strengthens them to affirm any
progress they are making. Your compliments or praise take
up residence in their psyches and contribute to an emotion-
ally resilient self-esteem that is developing within them.
A twelve-year-old boy once told me, There is one thing I
know, and that is that you will be a lifelong friend of mine.
He added that I was doing him good, even if it sometimes felt
unpleasant. He couldnt say exactly how I was doing him
good, but only that he felt it.
When people are growing in counseling, you can see no-
ticeable changes. One person becomes less timid and more
expressive. Another lets go of a hair trigger temper in favor
of a gradually evolving diplomacy. Yet another stops trying to
please everyone and starts saying no when necessary
without the old guilt pangs. You praise each one for the pro-
gress that is made.
A rule of thumb is that the selective reinforcement of
compliments can help new behavior gain momentum until it
is consolidated into enduring change. Erika is a teenager who
typically is ten minutes late to sessions. The first time she
175
makes a session on time, you say, Im really impressed with

how prompt you are today, Erika. You extend this congratu-
latory affirmation over the first several times she is on time:
Youre are getting really good at planning your schedule to
make it here on time. Once Erika has internalized the value
of showing up on time, you mention it only occasionally.
A counselees first ventures into the embryonic levels of
compass virtues likewise deserve prizing. For example, a
man has been struggling to overcome road rage. Progress has
been arduous with many relapses. This particular week,
however, he shares that hes shown courtesy to two different
drivers. He let one pass in front of him in a crowded freeway
lane. He waved another forward at a four-way stop. Nor-
mally, he would have charged out in front of both drivers.
You say, I think its significant how you expressed humility
to these other drivers. I admire that you resisted the urge to
get angry, and showed kindness instead.
25) Grandmas Rule (Chapter 12; pp. 130-133)
While I generally favor principles and techniques that

emphasize peoples free will, there remains a need on occa-
sion to draw from a branch of psychology that specializes in
understanding conditioned reflexes: learning theory. There
are times when the best way to engineer solutions for recalci-
trant behavioral problems involves operant conditioning and
behavior modification through contingency management.
The underlying premise of these tools is known as
Thorndikes Law. Simply put, Thorndike discovered that re-
sponses that are reinforced are strengthened, gaining in fre-
quency, while responses that are not reinforced grow weaker
and are eventually extinguished.
Think about a fresh chocolate brownie. Most people find
this delicacy nearly irresistible. Why? Its tastes good! Never
mind that it is loaded with calories and cholesterol, or that in
some people it creates an intense physiological craving and
176
mental obsession for more chocolate. However, this cognitive

information hardly competes with the direct reinforcement of
taking a chewy bite.
So how do you change behavior that is unhealthy or self-
defeating, especially when there is a reinforcing agent (like
taste buds) involved in the mix? You restructure the envi-
ronment so that new behavior has a chance to grow. You se-
lect an environmental reinforcer that matters to someone,
and make that reinforcement forthcoming only when they
produce a new target behavior. I call this Grandmas rule be-
cause most every grandparent knows how to tell a young
child, You can have that piece of apple pie as soon as you eat
your peas and carrots.
When you introduce Grandmas rule as a technique for
behavioral management, you help counselees think in opera-
tional terms about what motivates behavior and how to get
new behavior going by changing the source and schedule of
reinforcement. As you recall from Chapter 12, Jimmys par-
ents made headway in changing his pot usage by making
driving privileges and a season ski pass contingent on
monthly drug-free urine tests. This in contrast to the dads
ineffective method of lecturing, nagging, and snooping that
had brought him and Jimmy to a complete impasse.
I cant cover all the principles of learning theory and their
creative use in Christian counseling. But I greatly respect
the offerings of behavioral therapy, biofeedback, and behav-
ior modification for the way these tools can help counselees
whose freedom has been radically curtailed by learning dis-
orders, post-traumatic stress syndrome, developmental dis-
abilities, or severe unconscious acting out.
Knowing how and when to shift to contingency manage-
ment, and construct a contingency management program,
has a worthwhile place in ones repertoire of counseling tech-
niques.
177
I close this appendix with a prayer that the principles of

Compass Therapy, along with the compass model and these
twenty-five techniques, might enrich your own theoretical
perspective and enhance your enjoyment of the adventure
of counseling.
178
APPENDIX II
CHARTING A COUNSELEES SELF COMPASS
For those counselors who wish to offer their counselees an

informal assessment that can stimulate discussion, I am in-
cluding a Self Compass inventory. This is a brief self-report
survey, not a clinically validated instrument. I dont recom-
mend using it if you suspect there is significant psychopa-
thology present in the counselee. This inventory is helpful
early in therapy to discover which compass points a coun-
selee unconsciously favors and may prove valuable several
months later to assess progress in compass integration.
If you want to use a clinically validated personality as-
sessment that is congenial to the compass model, I suggest
the Millon Clinical Multiaxial Inventory (MCMI). This pro-
fessional tool is geared to pick up Axis I clinical syndromes
and Axis II personality disorders according to DSM catego-
ries.
The Self Compass inventory gives counselees a tentative
reading of their trends in personal and interpersonal func-
tioning (Dependent, Aggressive, Withdrawn, and/or Control-
ling). By graphing out the results on the diagram provided,
they can discover where they may be stuck on the Self Com-
pass and see immediately where they can take productive
growth steps.
179
Self Compass Inventory
Instructions: Counselees respond to each sentence with

their first impression of what is true for them most of the
time. After circling T for TRUE or F for FALSE, they count
up the number of Ts for each of the four sections
Dependent, Aggressive, Withdrawn, and Controlling. They
record the total number of Ts in the space allotted at the
bottom of each section, and then transfer this total to the Self
Compass Graph.
180
Dependent Trend
T/F 1. Im always nice to people so they will like me.

T/F 2. I try to be agreeable so that I can avoid conflict.
T/F 3. I dont like disappointing peoples expectations.
T/F 4. When criticized, I can feel hurt for days.
T/F 5. Reassurance from others keeps me from feeling
anxious.
T/F 6. If someone isnt cheerful toward me, I know they
dont like me.
T/F 7. I should never say no to peoples requests.
T/F 8. When someone pays me a compliment, I quickly
forget it.
T/F 9. I feel guilty when people I care for are not
happy.
T/F 10. I should never offend another person.
T/F 11. I bend over backwards to keep the peace.
T/F 12. I get energy from being around people and
like to help others.
T/F 13. It is selfish to think of my own needs.
T/F 14. Authority figures should be obeyed because
they know best.
T/F 15. Traditions make us secure and should not be
questioned.
TOTAL T Dependent Responses: ______
181
Aggressive Trend
T/F 1. I am a tough-minded realist who knows how to

watch out for myself.
T/F 2. People only act friendly when they want some-
thing from you.
T/F 3. It pays to suspect peoples real motives.
T/F 4. Its a dog-eat-dog world.
T/F 5. I can turn on the charm if this gets me what I
want.
T/F 6. People deserve my anger when they set me off.
T/F 7. I must constantly test those around me to see if
they are loyal.
T/F 8. I dont feel guilty about getting what I need
from people.
T/F 9. If someone loves me they will do as I say.
T/F 10. Compromise is a sign of weakness.
T/F 11. My spouse and children owe me complete alle-
giance.
T/F 12. Im smarter than others and can use this
against them.
T/F 13. Im stubborn and proud of it.
T/F 14. If someone criticizes me, I retaliate; nobody
messes with me.
T/F 15. I keep problems to myself so no one can use
them against me.
TOTAL T Aggressive Responses: ______
182
Withdrawn Trend
T/F 1. If others really knew me, they wouldnt like me.

T/F 2. I feel nervous around people.
T/F 3. I prefer my private space at home and at work.
T/F 4. Risks are not worth taking; they never turn out
right.
T/F 5. I long to feel accepted, but know Ill never fit in.
T/F 6. No matter how hard I try, life doesnt get any
better.
T/F 7. People think Im boring because I dont have
much to say.
T/F 8. I stick to my own thoughts and mind my own
business.
T/F 9. I feel numb and depressed a lot.
T/F 10. Being around people drains me.
T/F 11. I guard against disappointment by not taking
chances.
T/F 12. Id like to feel accepted, but no one understands
a person like me.
T/F 13. No matter how hard I try, nothing works out; I
may as well give up.
T/F 14. My motto is live and let live.
T/F 15. No one is as scared or embarrassed as I am.
TOTAL T Withdrawn Responses: ______
183
Controlling Trend
T/F 1. Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

T/F 2. I pride myself on self-discipline and organiza-
tional skills.
T/F 3. Others would be wise to follow my suggestions.
T/F 4. People often need me to tell them what to do.
T/F 5. An orderly home and work environment
make for efficient living.
T/F 6. I place accomplishment before pleasure.
T/F 7. The responsible person never shrinks from
duty.
T/F 8. I strive for excellence and perfection.
T/F 9. Criticizing others helps them avoid future
mistakes.
T/F 10. Someone with my abilities deserves special
recognition.
T/F 11. I believe in doing everything first class.
T/F 12. Most people are messier and lazier than they
should be.
T/F 13. I prefer to keep my closets and drawers well-
ordered.
T/F 14. Most life situations can be turned into moral
lessons.
T/F 15. Seriousness and propriety make a good im-
pression on others.
TOTAL T Controlling Responses: ______
184
Self Compass Graph
TOTAL T Dependent Responses: ______

TOTAL T Withdrawn Responses: ______
TOTAL T Aggressive Responses: ______

TOTAL T Controlling Responses: ______
185
How to Graph and Interpret Self Compass Trends
Each trend can receive a score anywhere between zero

and fifteen. To graph a counselees score for each trend, count
outward from the center of the Self Compass, placing an X
at the intersecting bar that represents the total. Note
whether the score falls within the healthy level, or the mild,
moderate, or severe trends.
If counselees scored in the 0-4 range, it can indicate that
they have no rigid trend for this compass point. They most
probably use this compass point in a healthy way. You can
validate this or not depending upon your clinical sense of
their behavior in sessions.
A score in the 5-8 range shows the likelihood of a mild
trend for this particular compass point. Counselees may have
been stuck on this compass point for years without knowing
it. Through their work with you they can develop the com-
pass point opposite from the one they are mildly exaggerat-
ing, bringing both compass points into rhythmic use.
A score in the 9-12 range indicates a moderately rigid
trend on this compass point. Such counselees no doubt pos-
sess some personal and interpersonal difficulties that can be
traced to this rigidity. With your guidance, such counselees
can take compass growth stretches as you monitor their pro-
gress over several months. Eventually, the growth stretches
can lead to the healthy integration of this compass point into
their personalities and relationships.
A score in the 13-15 range suggests a severe level of being
stuck on this compass point and indicates a need for psycho-
therapy, pastoral counseling, or spiritual direction.
Counselees may register significant scores on more than
one compass point. It is common to have a mixture of person-
ality trendseven ones which seem to contradict each
otherlike being dependent in certain situations and ag-
gressive in others. You proceed by targeting the highest score
for concentrated intervention. As counselees begin to make
186
discernible progress, you shift your attention to the next

trend and work on it. Eventually, their Self Compass will be-
come liberated from the trends that formerly imprisoned
them. The fruit of this change, sometimes dramatic and other
times subtle, is increasing serenity, improved relationships,
and deepening trust in themselves and God.
As covered in Chapter 1, you empower counselees growth
in Christ-like dimensions by helping them understand that
various titles for Jesus represent the complimentary points of
the Self Compass.
The Good Shepherd shows the Love compass point. How
can the counselee transform pleasing and placating into the
mature love of nurturing, affirming, and forgiving?
The Lion of Judah demonstrates Assertion. How can the
counselee transform blaming or resenting into the diplomatic
assertion of expressing, negotiating, and confronting in car-
ing ways?
The Lamb of God expresses healthy Weakness. How can
the counselee transform detaching and avoiding into the con-
fident humility of needing, empathizing, and surrendering to
core trust in self and God?
The Prince of Peace stands for Strength. How can the
counselee transform dictating and judging into the humble
strength of contributing, organizing, and esteeming self and
others?
As a person undergoes actualizing transformation, these
LAWS of personality are made actual in the personality
through the indwelling presence of the Holy Spirit combined
with free will choices. Developing in the direction of a dy-
namic personality balance imbues a counselees daily life
with the righteousness of Christ; that is, with Christs own
equity of character. Of course, no one can maintain personal-
ity balance for long. The point is that counselees learn how to
trust and use the Self Compass in order to get daily situ-
ational bearings on their attitudes and behavior. This exis-
tential ethic of monitoring ones self in light of Christs per-
187
sonality balance builds creativity and flexibility into the fab-

ric of life, and helps to expand the behavioral repertoire to-
ward a wholeness that nullifies rigid one-sided choices.
Granted, personality growth is often uncomfortable be-
cause it requires moving from the familiar to the unfamiliar.
Yet just as the disciples were constantly urged to grow, first
by Jesus and then by the Holy Spirit, so you can instill in
your counselees that intrapsychic and interpersonal growth
are among the highest values in the realm of spirituality and
mental health.
188
ENDNOTES
1
T. Leary, Interpersonal Diagnosis of Personality: A Functional Theory and
Methodology for Personality Evaluation (New York: The Ronald Press,
1957).
2
Everett L. Shostrom and Dan Montgomery, Healing Love: How God Works
Within the Personality (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1979); God In Your
Personality (Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1986); The Manipulators,
(Nashville, TN: Abingdon Press, 1990).

3
Carl G. Jung, Man and His Symbols (Laurel, 1968).
4
Everett L. Shostrom, Actualizing Therapy (San Diego, CA: Edits Publish-
ers, 1976); Lawrence M. Brammer, Everett L. Shostrom, and Philip J.
Abrego, Therapeutic Psychology (Englewood Cliffs, New Jersey: Prentice-
Hall, Inc., 1993, 1989, 1982, 1977, 1968, 1960.

5
Donald J. Kiesler, Contemporary Interpersonal Theory and Research: Per-
sonality, Psychopathology, and Psychotherapy (New York: John Wiley and
189
Sons, 1996); Lorna Smith Benjamin, Interpersonal Diagnosis and Treatment
of Personality Disorders, Second Edition (New York: The Guilford Press,
1996).
6
Robert Plutchik and Hope R. Conte, Circumplex Models of Personality and
Emotions (Washington, D.C.: American Psychological Association, 1997).

7
Dan Montgomery, God & Your Personality (Boston, MA: Pauline Books &
Media, 1995); Dan and Kate Montgomery, Your Self Compass: The Growth
Tool That Gets Results (Albuquerque, NM: Compass Works, 2006).

8
Dan and Kate Montgomery, Compass Psychotheology: Where Psychology
and Theology Really Meet (Albuquerque, NM: Compass Works, 2006).

9
Robert R. Knapp, POI Handbook, Second Edition: Handbook for the Per-
sonal Orientation Inventory (San Diego, CA: Edits, Publishers, 1990, 1976).
10
Raymond Corsini, Handbook on Innovative Therapy, Second Edition (New
York: John Wiley and Sons, 2001, 1981).

11
Sigmund Freud, An Outline of Psycho-Analysis (New York: W. W. Nor-
ton, 1989).
12
Karen Horney, Our Inner Conflicts (New York: W. W. Norton, 1993).
13
Wilhelm Reich, Character Analysis (New York: Pocket Books, 2000).
14
Eric Berne, Games People Play (New York: Ballantine Books, 2004).
15
Carl Rogers, On Becoming a Person (New York: Mariner Books, 1995).
190
ENDNOTES
16
Jacobi Moreno, Psychodrama, Vol. 1, Fourth Ed. (Beacon, New York:
Beacon House Press, 1972).

17
Aaron Beck and Arthur Freeman, Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disor-
ders (New York: The Guilford Press, 1990).

18
Albert Ellis and Robert Harper, A New Guide to Rational Living (Engle-
wood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice Hall, 1997).

19
Carl Jung. Modern Man in Search of a Soul. (Taylor and Francis Books,
Ltd., 1984).
20
Harry Stack Sullivan, The Psychiatric Interview (New York: W. W. Nor-
ton & Company, 1970).
191
INDEX
abbreviated word association, 92, 160.

action techniques, 2, 10, 80.
actualizing level, 14.
actualizing growth, 21, 40, 48, 67, 75, 84, 134.
alcohol, 89, 91, 119, 120, 122, 126, 127.
Adler, Alfred, 21.
art box, 110-114.
Beck, Aaron, 21.
Berne, Eric, 21.
closure, 75, 76, 81-83.
Ellis, Albert, 21.
aggressive trend, 14, 17-18, 35-36, 38-39, 44, 141.
assertion compass point, 16, 17, 30, 34, 143.
behavioral prediction technique, 127-129, 172.
behavioral rehearsal technique, 63-64, 154.
body language, 45, 50, 80, 86, 87, 148, 164, 168.
Christs personality, 6, 7.
collaborative implantation technique, 123-126, 170.
compass living, 10.
compass model, 3, 10-11, 23, 26, 41, 69, 75, 84-85, 134.
compass points, 3, 11, 29, 41, 58, 67, 95, 142, 186.
compass psychotheology, 4, 71.
compass sketching technique, 41-43, 142.
compass theory, 3-8, 14, 40, 42, 57, 95, 128.
Compass Therapy, 1-4, 8-10, 21, 54, 60, 73-75, 118, 160.
compass virtues, 9, 73-75, 176.
193
conditional alignment technique, 121-122, 167.

congratulatory affirmation technique, 128, 175.
controlling trend, 14, 19, 59, 62, 67, 175.
counselor self-disclosure technique, 42-43, 144.
dependent trend, 14, 23-33.
depression, 6, 8, 30, 167, 47-48, 53-58, 167, 171.
developmental bridge, 48, 55-56.
drugs, 11, 25, 28-29, 52, 102, 112, 122, 127.
emotional closure, 94, 113-114, 67, 149.
emotional modulation technique, 51-53, 150.
externalization, 63.
Freud, Sigmund, 21
Grandmas rule technique, 130-133, 176.
growth stretches, 21, 30, 67, 144, 186.
Horney, Karen, 21.
human nature compass, 71.
interpretation technique, 65-66, 156.
Jung, Carl, 72.
Kleenex technique, 31-34, 140.
LAWS of personality, 3, 5, 9, 73, 187-188.
lean-against-the-wall technique, 115-118, 166.
love compass point, 5-7, 16, 20-27, 41-44, 58, 67-69, 143.
metaphor technique, 97-105, 163.
manipulation, 5, 14, 21, 28-29, 74.
mirroring technique, 45-46, 147.
Moreno, Jacobi, 21.
muscle melting technique, 66-67, 157.
normalization technique, 93-94, 162.
pastoral counseling, 2, 8, 48, 186.
peer mentoring technique, 86-87, 159.
perfectionism, 67.
personality transformation, 97.
physical symbolization technique, 107-118, 164.
positive self-fulfilling prophecy technique, 44, 146.
projective analysis technique, 87-88, 160.
purple rhinoceros technique, 93-94, 162.
194
INDEX
role-playing, 53, 63, 79, 118, 139-140, 148-150.

Self Compass, 2-9, 13-22, 46-47, 54, 56, 61, 85, 97, 110.
Reich, Wilhelm, 21.
rhythmic balance, 79.
Rogers, Carl, 21, 78.
Socratic probing technique, 38-40, 141.
Sullivan, Harry Stack, 127.
substance abuse, 119, 130, 134.
Everett Shostrom, 3.
techniques:
abbreviated word association, 92-93, 161.
behavioral prediction, 127-129, 172.
behavioral rehearsal, 63-64, 154.
collaborative implantation, 123-126, 170.
compass sketching, 41-43, 142.
conditional alignment, 121-122, 167.
congratulatory affirmation, 128, 175.
counselor self-disclosure, 42-43, 144.
emotional modulation, 51-53, 150.
Grandmas rule, 130-133, 176.
interpretation, 65-66, 156.
Kleenex technique, 31-34, 140.
lean-against-the-wall technique, 115-118, 166.
metaphors, 97-105, 163.
mirroring, 45-46, 147.
muscle melting, 66-67, 157.
normalization, 93-93, 162.
peer mentoring, 86-87, 159.
physical symbolization, 107-118, 166.
positive self-fulfilling prophecy, 44, 146.
projective analysis, 87-88, 160.
purple rhinoceros technique, 93-94, 162.
Socratic probing, 38-40, 141.
time shuttling, 49-50, 148.
towel twisting, 113-114, 165.
195
time shuttling technique, 49-50, 148.

towel twisting technique, 113-114, 165.
unconscious, 28, 50-52, 60-65, 82, 105, 110, 122, 140, 150.
weakness compass point, 6, 7, 12-13, 18, 41, 47, 57-58, 69.
withdrawn trend, 18-19, 47, 171.
strength compass point, 7, 12-13, 19, 29, 33, 69, 89, 100.
196

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CHRISTIAN COUNSELING THAT

Dan Montgomery, Ph.D.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval sys-

The Compass TherapySM Approach and the Self CompassSM

Cover design: David Gagne. Photo Credit: Dale ODell.

Unless otherwise noted, Scripture quotations in this publication are

Library of Congress Cataloguing-in-Publication Data

YALE DIVINITY SCHOOL

Veteran counselor Dan Montgomery has given us a breezy,

PRINCETON THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

This book makes a very important contribution to Christian

FULLER THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Compass Therapy offers both clinical and pastoral counsel-

Dr. Montgomery has given his readers the opportunity to

DALLAS THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Through the Compass Model framework and the many

GORDON-CONWELL THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY

Compass Therapy is easy to learn and apply. Examples of

PASTOR AND COUNSELOR

This book is a must read for any counselor who practices

Compass Therapy is an impressive addition to the field of

LICENSED MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPIST

Compass Therapy is insightful and practical, providing valu-

In my forty-five years of work as a psychologist, I rate Dr.

Dan Montgomerys Christian personality theory is innova-

1 THE COMPASS MODEL .................................................................................... 1

COMPASS THEORY .................................................................................................. 3

2 A COMPASS FOR REDEMPTIVE HOPE ...................................................... 11

A COMPASS FOR REDEMPTIVE HOPE .................................................................... 14

3 TRANSFORMING THE DEPENDENT TREND ............................................ 23

THE POSITIVES OF THE DEPENDENT TREND .......................................................... 24

SUGGESTIONS FOR COUNSELING THE AGGRESSIVE TREND ................................... 35

5 THAWING OUT THE FROZEN PERSON...................................................... 47

6 LIBERATION FROM THE CURSE OF PERFECTION ............................... 59

AWAKENING THE CONTROLLERS WHOLE HUMAN NATURE ................................ 60

7 THE ACTUALIZING ASCENT ........................................................................ 71

8 ANATOMY OF A COUNSELING SESSION................................................... 75

9 A COUNSELEES IMAGE OF GOD ................................................................ 85

A CRITICAL AND CANTANKEROUS GOD ............................................................... 86

10 THE VALUE OF METAPHORS ..................................................................... 97

FROM ELECTRONS TO EMOTIONS .......................................................................... 97

THE ART BOX ..................................................................................................... 109

12 CASE STUDY OF A TEENAGER ON DRUGS........................................... 119

CONDITIONAL ALIGNMENT ................................................................................. 120

13 A PARTING WORD ....................................................................................... 135

APPENDIX I COMMENTARY ON TWENTY-FIVE TECHNIQUES .......... 137

HOW TO INITIATE A TECHNIQUE ......................................................................... 138

APPENDIX II CHARTING A COUNSELEES SELF COMPASS................. 179

SELF COMPASS INVENTORY ................................................................................ 180

ENDNOTES .......................................................................................................... 189

INDEX ................................................................................................................... 193

The Compass TherapySM approach integrates a model of

gether in the counseling process, whether or not there are

The Self CompassSM growth tool, a central model

Let me share how the book is organized so you can use it

strate various techniques just as they might occur in a coun-

The theoretical underpinnings of the compass model de-

The Self Compass

The circle represents the boundary that separates every

seling and psychotherapy, has called my approach to counsel-

The Self Compass

Within the LAWS of personality, it is essential to note

Weakness reflects the human experience of uncertainty,

The Self Compass and Christs Personality