Penis owner’s instruction manual

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will
enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that
you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following
equipment descriptions, operating instructions and maintenance
requirements.

BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years)

PENIS

Average length and diameter (flaccid) 3.5 x 1.25 inches

Average length and diameter (erect) 5.1 x 1.6 inches

Average percent increase in volume, 300% (wow!)

flaccid to erect

Longest medically recorded erection 12 inches

Amount of blood in erect penis 8 to 10 x normal

Average erections per night (while 5

sleeping)

Average duration of each nocturnal 20 to 30 minutes

erection

Estimated replacement value (good £50,000

condition model)

CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:-
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion,
excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson.

TESTICLES

Average length and width 1.4 x 1 inch

Average weight 0.875 x 1.75 ounces

Temperature 94.6 degrees Fahrenheit

Compartments within each 400

SPERM
Average body's production 50,000 per minute/72 million per day
(and remember lads, it only takes 1!)

Days to maturity 84

Number in ejaculate of average 200 to 600 million

fertile man

Number of ejaculate of infertile less than 50 million

man

Percentage of total ejaculate 3%

Average swimming speed 1 to 4 millimeters per minute

Average life span once mature 1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman,

2 minutes on sheets

CAUTION!
The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for
optimum sperm production. That's why they hang away from the body.
Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

SEMEN

Average volume of ejaculate 0.5 to 1 teaspoon

Chief ingredient Fructose sugar
Caloric content 5 calories per teaspoon
Protein content 6 milligrams per teaspoon
Average number of ejaculatory 3 to 10
spurts
Average interval of ejaculatory 0.8 seconds
contractions
Farthest medically recorded 11.7 inches
ejaculation
BLADDER
Average capacity 7 to 13 ounces
Normal flow 7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE The penis contains a narrow hose

called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level
approaches the bladder's maximum capacity line, you get the urge
 to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out
the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the
floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the
Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow
or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an
orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.)
2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL
INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers.
During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows
firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there's ejaculation, blood
leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually
a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a
full day (depending on the equipment's age) before another erection
can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even
when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.

CAUTION! Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the
pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.

3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is

manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the
drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind
each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail
necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for
storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just
below the bladder. When it's time to shift into sexual high gear,
sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining
seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen,
gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the
bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is
expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular
contractions.

STARTING THE ENGINE

The key to your sexual ignition is not between your legs, it's inside your
head. The brain is man's biggest sex organ, sending nerve impulses
running down the spinal cord to trigger an erection. Keep in mind though
that since arousal is an electrical spark travelling the neural motorway it
can be dulled by a repetitive commute. So vary your starting procedure,
explore side roads, stop at a roadside service area, let your partner drive,
or, when applicable, road-test a new model.

HARD STARTING OR STALLING

If your penis fails to become erect, even after repeated cranking, or if you
have trouble maintaining an erection, let it idle for a while. Just about
every man experiences an occasional erection problem, so try not to let it
bother you. If you do it can develop into a psychological problem that can
require extensive systems analysis to remedy. Chances are you are just
temporarily flooded with work worries, anxiety or fatigue - all of which can
temporarily foul your engine. If the problem continues, ask your mechanic
about a new injector. Certain drugs can be injected directly into the penis,
producing longer lasting (one hour or more) erections within moments.
Coming onto the market is a plunger-type system that inserts a small
pellet of erection producing medication into the tip of the penis. Another
solution is a vacuum constriction device: when the penis is inserted into
this cylinder and the attached pump engages, a vacuum is produced that
causes blood to flow into the penile shaft. A rubber ring is then slipped
onto the base of the penis to trap the blood in the shaft. As a last resort,
you may want to consider upgrading to a penile implant. (See "Available
options/upgrades").

WARNING!
Never operate your penis while under the influence of alcohol. Although
alcohol lowers inhibitions, most men have less than optimum erections
when inebriated. The fear this generates can lead to more frequent bouts
of impotence.

SPARE TYRE

Your privates did not come equipped with a spare tyre. Any roll of fat
around your middle was an after-market acquisition that will void the
warranty if left in place. It not only interferes with sexual performance but
also makes the penis look smaller. Men naturally deposit fat in their
abdomen, which includes the area at the base of the penis. As the spare
tyre inflates, this pad thickens and eventually engulfs a portion of the
organ - one inch for every 35 extra pounds. Being overweight is also
commonly linked atherosclerosis, or narrowing of the arteries, a primary
cause of impotence. It also makes you look silly.

RUNNING-IN PERIOD

To ensure a long, active life for your privates. It's recommended that you
engage in frequent sex. According to noted body mechanics Masters and
Johnson, "When the male is stimulated to high sexual output during his
formative years and a similar tenor of activity is established for the 31 to
40 year age range, his latter years are usually marked by maintained
sexuality.

ACCELERATION 0-60 MPH

Independent testing shows that it generally takes three to five minutes for
the flaccid penis of a young male to become fully erect once sexual
stimulation begins. This reaction at least doubles with age.
WARNING!
Avoid rapid acceleration on slick surfaces. Failing to do so could cause
partial or complete loss of control.

SUDDEN STOPS

Slamming on the brakes whilst driving at high speed can result in a painful
condition. During sexual stimulation, blood gathers in the testicles. If
ejaculation doesn't occur and sexual excitement continues, the resulting
congestion in the arteries in that area causes a dull pain, like that of an
aching muscle.

HANDLING

In order to become familiar with the natural feel of your equipment and
learn how it responds in different situations high speed sexual driving on a
closed circuit can be helpful. According to a recent survey, nearly one
tenth of British men do this weekly (a greater ration in the North of
England naturally). And contrary to popular belief , it will not harm your
equipment, in fact, it can be viewed as good practice lap for sex, where
you're forever flirting with the limits of control.

ENGAGING THE CHOKE

To postpone ejaculation and extend love making, engage "the choke". This
technique involves firmly squeezing the top of the penis just behind it's
head prior to orgasm.

FUEL REQUIREMENTS

Your privates were designed and developed for optimum performance and
efficiency using high-quality fuel. Low-quality fuels cause cholesterol
build-up in arteries and veins, thereby reducing blood flow to and from
your privates and causing hard starting or stalling. In fact, every one-point
increase in your total cholesterol correlates to an almost 1.5 times greater
risk of erection problems. To avoid this use fuel that has a fat combination
below 30 percent and is low is cholesterol and high in fibre. Such fill-ups
will greatly reduce circulatory-system deposits.

BODY WORK/CHASSIS CONSIDERATIONS

Regular exercise gives the body a deep healthful lustre that lends
protection improves performance and helps is hold it's value for longer.
Exercise not only makes the body more fit for sex but also stimulates the
mind by making you feel sexier. ABS - Your abdominal muscles (abs) are
the chief thrusting muscles for intercourse. To strengthen them, do
crunches. These exercises are just like sit-ups except that you don't raise
your body up as far. Simply lie on your back with your hands crossed over
your chest Lift your shoulders six to eight inches off the floor, while trying
to bring your chin to your chest. You'll feel a tightening in your gut.

ALIGNMENT

One third of all penile ruptures occur during lovemaking. They're caused
by sudden shifts in position or by awkward attempts at parallel parking
with the partner on top. The tearing of tissue that occurs within an erect
penis is often audible and always extremely painful. Such injures tend to
happen where there is a lack of space, such as between the steering
wheel and drivers seat. To protect yourself and your passenger always use
turn signals before changing positions.

SAFETY BELTS

It's highly recommended that you wear an athletic support (jock strap) for
activities that involve running, jumping and sudden movement. This
device tucks the testicles close to the undercarriage to protect them from
jarring.

CAUTION!
Wearing polyester underwear may contribute to impotence because of the
static electricity generated by man made materials. Loose 100% cotton
shorts are recommended.

CONDOM DEPLOYMENT

Use only condoms from a sealed package bearing an expiry date. Be

careful of fingernails, rings and other objects that could tear or puncture
the material. Never open a condom package with your teeth or on your
partners spiked collar. Squeeze the air from the receptacle end of the
condom and roll it down over the erect penis before penetration occurs.
Use only water-based lubricants such as K-Y-Jelly with latex condoms.
Petroleum-based brands can damage the condom. During withdrawal,
hold the base of the condom to keep it from coming off. And use each
condom only once.

MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE

Your privates are the result of centuries of engineering. Before leaving the
factory, every effort was made to ensure that they were in good working
condition. To keep them running smoothly regular maintenance is
required.

TO BE DONE DAILY

It's especially important for uncircumcised men to retract the foreskin and
wash around the head of the penis every day.
TO BE DONE WEEKLY (AT LEAST)

Sex is the best exercise for your privates. Regularly flushing the system
with nourishing blood and oxygen assures optimum sperm production,
prostate health and overall good performance. When intercourse is not
possible, consider revving your engine manually.

TO BE CHECKED MONTHLY

After taking a warm bath or shower to relax the scrotum, you should
gently roll each testicle between your fingers. It should be smooth and
oval shaped, feeling kind of like a hard-boiled egg with out the shell.
Compress it gently, searching for any hard areas or lumps that don't feel
like the surrounding tissue.

YEARLY INSPECTION

Once your equipment reaches forty years old, have your prostate checked
annually. This gland surrounds the urethra like a doughnut and, if left to
enlarge, can reduce an older man's urine stream to a dribble. Prostate
cancer is also a concern. Both of these problems can be avoided if
detected early. A complete yearly inspection should include three things:
A digital rectal exam (sorry mate but we're talking finger here, not
computer). A blood test for prostate-specific antigens (psa), an early
warning sign of trouble. An ultrasound scan to create a visible image of
the tissue.

WARNING!
Using your privates for anything other than their intended purpose voids
all warranties, written or implied.

SERVICING

The frequency of ejaculation/Intercourse among:-

20-29 year olds = 4-5 times weekly

30-39 year olds = 2-4 times weekly
40-49 year olds = 1-2 times weekly
50-59 year olds = 0-1 times weekly
60 plus = 1-2 times monthly
Shagnasty = 5 times daily! (Oh Yes my friends)

AUTOMATIC SYSTEMS CHECK

Each night, your privates automatically run a self-diagnostic systems

check. Most times you will be unaware this is happening. Periodic
erections will occur whilst you're asleep, as will an occasional emission. Do
not be alarmed. Your privates are simply flushing themselves with fresh
blood and oxygen to stay in optimum working condition. If you have a
reasonable doubt this is happening, do the following test: Wrap some
postage stamps from a roll firmly around the base of your penis and tape
the ends together. The next morning, if the stamps are torn along the
perforation, you've had an erection. (If you wake up in Newcastle sorting
office with a postmark, try the test again, but don't sleep so close to the
post-box.)

FLUID LEAKS

After urinating, apply gentle upward pressure under the base of the penis.
This will usually squeeze out any remaining drops and prevent any
embarrassing stains on the upholstery.

CHECKING UNDER THE BONNET

Your penis comes from the factory with its head completely covered by a
fleshly protective foreskin. Some penis owners have had this foreskin
surgically removed by an authorized mechanic via circumcision. This is
usually performed for religious and/or aesthetic reasons because, if basic
hygiene is followed, the presence or absence of a bonnet does not affect
sensitivity, sexual performance or susceptibility to mechanical failure.

LUBRICATION ADDING OIL

For extra comfort and performance during long drives or when operating
your penis in extremely dry conditions, you'll need to relube. Brands such
as K-Y Jelly can be reactivated with a simple spritz of water.

DISPOSING OF USED OIL

When indiscriminately discarded, used oil can foul the bedroom

environment. Flavoured lubes leave a sticky residue the required a soap-
and-water scrubbing. Most no flavoured brands wipe clean with a towel.

APPEARANCE

Your privates are exposed to the corrosive effects of dirt, perspiration and
vaginal fluids (some of which in my experience can be more corrosive
than others). To protect the finish, trim and exposed under body , it's
important to wash often and thoroughly. Scrub any dirt and salt from
crevices in the undercarriage and check that all drain holes are free from
debris. After washing, allow all surfaces to drain and dry before parking in
a confined space. If required you may polish your privates immediately.

MINOR CHIPS AND SCRATCHES

The skin of the penis and testicles is remarkably resilient. For chafing and
small cuts that cause minimal bleeding, just wash with soap and water
and apply an antiseptic ointment.
MAJOR DENTS

If you get hit in the testicles, scream, lie down, apply an ice-packed cloth
and take some deep breaths. If there's swelling and the pain doesn't
subside within a few minutes, continue the icing and get to a garage and
seek mechanical assistance. A severe groin injury can cause sterility.

TROUBLESHOOTING

The diagnoses outlined are intended to serve only as guides to locate and
temporarily correct minor faults or worries. Causes of unsatisfactory
performance should be investigated and corrected by your doctor.

PROBLEM SOLUTION
Penis seems small. Few men are satisfied with the size of their
penis. Keep in mind that the average
vagina is just three to five inches long.
Left testicle is slightly Rarely are both testicles identical. In fact,
larger and hangs lower the left one hangs lower in 80 percent of all
than the right one. cases.
Erections do not occur This is common with older models.
as quickly, nor are they However, exercising regularly, following a
as firm as they were. low-fat diet, avoiding smoking and limiting
alcohol are all antidotes, as is longer and
more creative foreplay.
Ejaculation happens Try strengthening your PC muscle with
way to fast. Kegel exercises. The PC is the muscle you
use to stop urine flow. Contract it now to
familiarise yourself with the feeling. What
you just did was a Kegel. Do 20, 50, 100 or
more daily - at your desk or in the bath.
Since it's the same muscle that contracts
for ejaculation, strengthening it will give
you more control during sex.
Ejaculation isn't as Such misfiring often occurs with older
forceful or as plentiful engines. In fact, with vintage models,
as it once was. ejaculation may not occur at all, although
an orgasm is experienced.
Pain in testicle. Intermittent twinges are common, and
anything that lasts less than a minute or so
is no cause for worry. Testicular pain that
builds gradually is usually caused by an
infection or inflammation. Consult a
certified mechanic or authorized
dealership.
AVAILABLE OPTIONS/UPGRADES - Customise your privates to fit all your
lifestyle needs

VASECTOMY

Enjoy worry-free motoring by having a trained technician cut the Vas

Deferens, thereby preventing sperm from reaching the urethra. It's a safe
quick (seven to ten minute), effective means of birth control, plus the
sensation of ejaculation remains unchanged. Available in traditional snip
or modern laser.

TESTOSTERONE

Preserve the raw beauty of your libido with testosterone! This potent male
hormone, manufactured chiefly in the testicles, is responsible for your
sexual desire and, to some degree, your erections. But production declines
after age 50. Some men, who have no physical problems but experience
flagging desire, may benefit from testosterone supplements, which can be
taken orally through a skin patch or injection.

PENIS ENLARGEMENT

Gain valuable inches by expanding your trunk! Body-Shop mechanics

penis appear larger by cutting the ligaments that attach it to the pubic
bone. Once this is done, the penis hangs a bit lower and looks larger. In
addition body fat can also be injected under the skin of the penile shaft to
make it thicker.

WARNING!
Most mechanics do not approve of the enlargement procedure, which
compromises the penile suspension system and may undermine resale
value. Consumers have reported lack of stability and loss of control when
operating at high speeds.

CIRCUMCISION

See "Checking under the bonnet" above.

FORESKIN RESTORATION

For those who have grown unhappy with their circumcised model, Foreskin
restoration may be possible. In this Do-It-Yourself procedure, skin from the
shaft of the penis is gradually stretched with tape and even weights until
it allegedly resembles a normal foreskin.

WARNING!
Foreskin will not be restored to showroom condition.

PENILE IMPLANTS
If you have chronic difficulty getting an erection and other impotence
treatments have failed, consider the new line of deluxe penile implants.
These are cylinders that are surgically placed inside the penis to make it
firm enough for intercourse. Two models are available. A non-hydraulic
implant consists of a pair of flexible silicone rods that can be bent up or
down by hand. It's the simplest design, but since the penis remains semi-
rigid, some men find it difficult to wear Chinos. A hydraulic implant
includes a pair of hollow rods, a reservoir of saline solution and a pump, all
concealed within the body. For an erection you simply squeeze your
scrotum to inflate the penis.

HAPPY OWNERSHIP!