Unlock Yourself Estee e Me Book

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Unlock Your Self Esteem
Table of Contents
Intro: What is Low Self Esteem and What Are Its Consequences?.......................... 4
Just What Is Low Self-Esteem? ............................................................................................................................. 4
What Exactly Are Some of the Consequences of Low Self-Esteem? ................................................. 7
Recognising and Challenging Negative Thoughts and Beliefs ................................. 9
Recognising Negative Self Beliefs ....................................................................................................................... 9
Challenging Negative Thoughts ........................................................................................................................ 10
How to Identify Your Positive Qualities and Gain a More Objective View of
Yourself ................................................................................................................................ 13
How Exercise and Activity Can Boost Your Confidence .......................................... 17
How Can This Help You Defeat LSE?.......................................................................................... 18
How Your Daily Activities Can Boost Self Esteem ..................................................... 19
Lesson 1: Conformity May Be Hazardous To Your Mental Health ........................ 23
Self-Esteem & Conformity .................................................................................................................. 23
Self-Confidence and Conformity........................................................................................................ 25
Lesson 2: Self-Acceptance First - What's So Wrong About You Anyway? ........... 29
The Long And Short Exercise .............................................................................................................. 30
Cautionary Note: Don't Get Lost! ...................................................................................................... 31
Lesson 3: Self-Acceptance - What's So RIGHT About You? ..................................... 33
The "Sit Up And Take Notice" Exercise ............................................................................................. 33
Lesson 4: How Fear Usurps Esteem And Confidence And How To Fix It ........... 35
Fear is a Double-Whammy ............................................................................................................... 36
Let Your Body Teach Your Brain! ....................................................................................................... 37
Lesson 5: Self-Esteem And Your Environment .......................................................... 40
Lesson 6: Self-Esteem And Confidence At Social Gatherings ................................ 44
Irrational Beliefs about the Self and Socialisation .......................................................................... 45
How To Deal With Your Irrational Beliefs About The Self And Socialisation............................... 49
Lesson 7: Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence At Work ............................................... 52
Peaceful Co-Existence with Fellow Employees ................................................................................ 52
Lesson 8: Don't Take It Personally? Easy To Say Tough To Do ......................... 56
Self-Esteem and The Esteem of Others ............................................................................................ 59
Lesson 9: Esteem of The Body and Mind ..................................................................... 62
Stress Reduction Techniques ............................................................................................................. 66
Lesson 10: Silly Habits To Boost Self-Esteem............................................................. 69
Lesson 11: Establishing Support Systems ................................................................... 71
Lesson 12: Positive Affirmations To Develop Self-Esteem ..................................... 74
Lesson 13: Notable Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence Quotes .............................. 77
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Coaching Positive Performance
Lesson 14: Making Short And Long-Term Goals For Your Life ............................. 80
Conclusion ........................................................................................................................... 82
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Intro: What is Low Self Esteem and What Are Its
Consequences?
Do you know someone who has a low opinion of himself? Perhaps

someone who consistently thinks she is an under-performer and
not worthy of praise or compliments? It could be that person is
suffering from low self-esteem. Simply put, your level of self-
esteem is how you think about yourself, how you see yourself.
Some people have an inflated image of their reality. Then there

are those who have a good grip on who they are, and their range
of abilities and self-worth. Unfortunately, there are also those
people who suffer from a debilitating condition involving their
self-beliefs that can lead to a shortened lifespan and physical
health problems that arise from stress.
Just What Is Low Self-Esteem?
The definition of low self-esteem is simple a feeling of

unworthy, incapable and incompetent self-worth. These
thoughts can lead to a dangerous cycle where continued negative
self-beliefs begin to create an unconscious pattern of behaviour
that reinforces those thoughts in that person's mind. They say to
themselves, "See, my behaviour is proof that I am incompetent.
Therefore, I am right to believe that I am unworthy and
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incapable." The beliefs get stronger, and the thought-pattern

continues.
When you have a negative view of yourself, you often display the
following signs:
You try to do everything perfectly

You are afraid to love others and believe that you do not
deserve love
You blame others for your mistakes and faults
You have a consistently negative view of just about
everything
You like to play it safe, scared to take risks, even small
ones
You are very suspicious of others, even friends and family
You may prefer to let others make decisions, even
important ones
What you should understand is that, in many cases, low self-

esteem is learned behaviour. That means your inadequate
feelings of self-worth were taught to you by someone else.
This is good news, because learned behaviour can be changed by

adopting new beliefs.
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Often an authority figure, parent or caregiver can negatively

impact a person's self-belief. Since a child, tween or teen looks
up to that person, they feel they have let him down in some way.
This leads to the behaviours we just mentioned, symptomatic of
someone with low self-esteem.
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What Exactly Are Some of the Consequences of Low Self-

Esteem?
Your level of self-belief is extremely important, and often directly

linked, to your overall health. People who think little of
themselves frequently suffer the following consequences:
Easily discouraged
They have skin and hair conditions
Scared and anxious
Consistently find themselves in chaotic and even dangerous
relationships
Very defensive
Drug and alcohol addiction
Suffer eating disorders
Weak cardiovascular and immune systems
Stress and anxiety leads to heart conditions
Promiscuous behaviour with multiple partners
Inability in women to orgasm, and impotence in men
Failed relationships
Negative impact on family and friends
The consequences that arise from low self-esteem (LSE) do so

because of 4 basic fears psychologists have noticed in individuals
with LSE. They are a fear of...
... doing something they believe will confirm their low self-
image.
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... feeling depressed, desperate and humiliated once again.
... others recognising their inabilities and inadequacies.
... losing what they already have, never being successful,

and possibly leading to abandonment.
How can this dangerous and crippling incorrect self-opinion be

defeated? What can be done to give the person suffering from
LSE the personal tools to live a life filled with the rewards of a
positive self-image?
That person needs to be able to point out thoughts and self-

beliefs that are destructive and incorrect. They then need to
challenge themselves to change those ideas. Both of those steps
towards a healthy self-image are covered in the next section.
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Recognising and Challenging Negative Thoughts and Beliefs
As we just mentioned, you need to be able to recognise LSE and

the self-beliefs that accompany it before you can begin to correct
those negative ideas. The key to identifying low self-esteem lies
in spotting behaviour that shows evidence of the 4 basic
psychological fears that were discussed in the last section.
Recognising Negative Self Beliefs
Sometimes, people think so little of themselves that it is easy to

spot low self-esteem. But a quick look at the fears and symptoms
of a poor self-image which we already covered show that
sometimes identifying LSE can be difficult. It is not as clear-cut.
For example, a confident acting person may always exhibit a high
self-image, only because he is afraid that others will see what he
believes is his truly inadequate self.
The following behaviours and actions are often present in

people with low self-esteem:
A person expresses an "always or never" belief system.

Someone constantly interrupts, attempts to finish your
sentences and thoughts for you, and is always jumping to
conclusions.
The word "should" is constantly used. For instance, "I
shouldn't have tried that" or "I should have accepted the
job."
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A person makes huge generalisations based on little

information or a single occurrence.
Irrational behaviour springs from emotional thinking that is
not in line with factual information.
A person often refers to himself as an "idiot", "failure" or
"dummy".
Someone tends to make everything personal, often blaming
herself irrationally.
Seeing every possible outcome as a catastrophe.
Constantly seeking approval.
Focusing on pain and pessimism.
The above behaviours and actions are common to people that

have negative self-beliefs. Anxiety and depression, addiction and
poor health are just a few of the symptoms of this type of
mindset if it is allowed to exist over time, as we saw earlier. That
is why it is so important to be able to recognise statements and
actions that are symptomatic to a person suffering from LSE.
Challenging Negative Thoughts
Once identified, harmful self-beliefs need to be challenged.

Psychologists call any incorrect self-belief a "cognitive distortion".
These are irrational and exaggerated ideas, beliefs and thoughts.
Obviously, if someone suffers from cognitive distortion, their
nonfactual beliefs could lead to behaviours and actions that
deliver many of the negative consequences of LSE we discussed
earlier.
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One way to challenge cognitive distortion is to write out a cheat-

sheet with LSE-challenging statements. Keep this list on you and
refer to it often, especially when you recognise some of the
symptoms of a poor self-image that we just covered. Challenge
your negative and incorrect thoughts and beliefs with the
following list of statements:
If you catch yourself saying "I got lucky", remind yourself

that instead, you actually were prepared and worked really
hard to reach some goal.
If you missed getting that big promotion, and you find

yourself believing that you will never advance in your
career, think this instead. Recognise this speed bump as a
single negative event, but not who you are. Tell yourself
that you will get the next promotion, and will work harder
to make sure that happens.
If you catch yourself constantly seeing negatives, focus on

the positive. Challenge your "always negative" beliefs by
aggressively looking for positive, rewarding, uplifting and
invigorating occurrences in your everyday life. When you
spend time looking for positive events and thoughts, fewer
negative thoughts enter your mind.
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Are you constantly jumping to conclusions? A couple of

minor failures happen in the morning, so you immediately
think, "This is going to be the worst day ever!" This is a
limiting belief that could create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Instead, think about the justification or conclusion you are
making, and consider if it is rational or not.
Remember, if you use words and phrases like "all of the

time", "always" and "never", you are practicing what
psychologists call all-or-nothing thinking. Perhaps you think
that you never get lucky. Challenge that mindset by
identifying times when you truly did experience good
fortune.
If you personalise everything, assuming personal

responsibility for things outside of your control, you need to
challenge that belief. If you are honest with yourself, and
think logically, you will see that certain things cannot be
controlled by you. Try to determine if you have true control
over a particular outcome before you blame yourself for it.
Challenging negative and incorrect self-belief is critical if you are

going to enjoy a rational "real world" view of yourself and
society. You are worthy of love, success, happiness and peace.
And you only need to continue recognising limiting thoughts and
challenging them with sensible ones to begin to reap the
wonderful rewards that a healthy self-image delivers.
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How to Identify Your Positive Qualities and Gain a More
Objective View of Yourself
You know how unhealthy a negative self-image can be. And

really, when your self-beliefs are incorrectly critical, you are
cheating yourself of a happy and successful existence. The last
couple of sections you learned exactly what low self-esteem is,
how to identify its symptoms, and how to challenge unhealthy
beliefs that are not factual.
But if you suffer from LSE, that may sound a lot easier than it
actually is. Years of problematic thinking and cognitive distortion
can probably not be changed overnight. After all, even if you
identify incorrect beliefs that you have about yourself, and you
begin to question and challenge them, you may still suffer
thoughts of inadequacy and failure.
This means you need to begin to identify your positive qualities.

Then, whenever limiting self-beliefs begin to appear, you can
remind yourself that your negative self-thoughts are obviously
incorrect, since you have these outstanding characteristics and
habits.
You can do this with a simple list. On a piece of paper, write

down 5 things you like about yourself. Don't think about anything
negative. Think about successes you have had in your life, good
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relationships, memorable occasions and events. If you find

yourself writing down more than 5 positive self-beliefs, excellent!
Another way to identify your positive qualities is to study the

following list. These are words that psychologists have identified
as evidence of positive self-beliefs and behaviours:
Alert
Compassionate
Confident
Cooperative
Courteous
Creative
Decisive
Disciplined
Discrete
Enthusiastic
Forgiving
Friendly
Generous
Grateful
Loyal
Patient
Persistent
Punctual
Respectful
Sensitive
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Sincere
Now think about what types of behaviours you exhibit that

qualify you for those descriptive terms. A person with LSE may
be cooperative, generous and always on time. However, because
of limiting self-thoughts, they do not notice that these are
awesome, positive qualities.
But that is exactly what they are! Another way to identify

positive character traits is to simply type "Positive Personality
Adjectives" into an Internet search engine. This will give you a
list of things to look for in your life that help you recognise when
your self-limiting negative self-image is incorrect.
Do not get too full of yourself, though. Remember, an abnormally

high self-image can be just as harmful as a low self-image. So,
how do you develop a more realistic and objective view of
yourself? By always viewing your successes and failures,
achievements and mistakes with a grain of salt.
You can do that by stepping outside of your situation. Look at

your behaviours, beliefs and thoughts from a logical and
analytical point of view. This needs to be an unemotional,
straightforward, honest appraisal. However, you must be neutral
as well. Look at both sides of the possible situation, action or
thought process.
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Remember that human beings will make mistakes, you and

everyone else. Grade your mental beliefs and actions with a
"reality measuring stick" rather than an emotional one.
Recognise and embrace your failures, do not ignore them, but do
not overstate them either.
Finding honest friends is a great way to keep yourself grounded,

and listen to criticism only from those people that you know will
speak to you truthfully. It can be tough to develop an objective
view of your beliefs and actions, and it all begins with being
honest with yourself.
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How Exercise and Activity Can Boost Your Confidence
Would you like to know a quick way that you can skyrocket your
confidence and self-esteem almost instantly? It works for
everyone, young and old, men and women alike. You can do it
just about anywhere and anytime, in only a few minutes.
What is this secret LSE-killer? Exercise, physical activity of any

kind. When you are physically active, the process that goes on
inside your body, one that automatically works the same way
every time, rewards you with "feel-good" responses.
Here's how it works.
When you enjoy physical exertion, your heart beats faster than
normal. Oxygenated blood is pumped through your body at an
elevated rate. This energises your muscles. Your ability to lift
heavier weights and even perform simple tasks is improved. But
what also happens is, special endorphins are sent to your brain.
This is the "feel-good" response we talked about earlier.
They are naturally effective at helping you deal with anxiety, pain
and stress, both physically and mentally. Your brain is telling you
that exercise is good for your body and your mind. So you want
to do it more.
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The more you exercise, the quicker you regulate a healthy body
weight, mental sharpness and improved memory, better skin and
hair health and overall body benefits.
How Can This Help You Defeat LSE?
The benefits of exercise deliver a self-confident boost in many

ways. The natural process instantly makes you feel happier and
better about yourself. You sleep better, your joints and bones are
stronger, and you even benefit from improved sexual function.
You also begin to notice that you look and feel better. The
compliments you receive from others who recognise your healthy
and happy attitude begin a wonderful cycle of positive self-belief.
You begin to realise that you are worthy of success, happiness,
peace and a positive belief in yourself.
That means you need to get started today planning a regular

exercise routine. It also means that when you recognise you are
having incorrect thoughts of low self-esteem, you can pump out
a quick exercise routine to empower yourself with positive
thoughts that include a healthy self-image.
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How Your Daily Activities Can Boost Self Esteem
As we just discussed, it is beneficial in many ways to add a

regular exercise routine to your daily and weekly schedule. But
that is not the only way that you can harness the benefits of
certain daily activities to boost your self-esteem. Research shows
that when you are doing something you love, you feel great
about yourself, and about the world around you.
This means taking some time to figure out what activities,

hobbies and career tasks you enjoy performing or taking part in.
Some people are very organised. They love filing, sorting and
enjoy a very structured workday. Other people are just the
opposite, preferring constantly changing tasks and
responsibilities.
Whatever work lifestyle you prefer, find a way to get more of it in

your daily routine. You will feel productive and useful, two things
that usually do not exist in the individual that suffers from LSE.
Do you enjoy collecting stamps, playing cards, working in your

garden or contributing your time to charitable organisations? If
so, consciously schedule these activities so they have a greater
presence in your life than they currently do.
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Human beings enjoy certain hobbies and activities because of the

same endorphins we discussed earlier, which gave you a peaceful
sense of accomplishment and a higher level of self-esteem. Make
a list of the things that you love doing, and start doing them
more frequently.
You can also practice the ancient art of mindful meditation to put
everything in its proper place. The correct level of self-esteem
comes from properly identifying reality, and the positive traits
you possess. Mindful meditation allows you to live in the present
moment, giving you a clear and unadulterated view of yourself
and your surroundings that will not allow a nonfactual and
negative self-belief.
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Learning to Be More Assertive

Another great way to keep LSE at bay is to learn to assert
yourself. If you remember the feelings of inadequacy, inability
and lack of self-worth we mentioned earlier which are identified
in a person with low self-esteem, you can see the benefit of
being more assertive.
This can be difficult for individuals that suffer a poor self-image.

However, by forcing yourself to aggressively do what is best for
you, rather than someone else, you will experience a self-esteem
boost.
For instance, perhaps you are well known for being the yes guy
or gal at work. You are always helping out your co-workers,
taking on jobs and tasks that help them but put you behind in
your own work. There is nothing wrong with helping others,
unless you are taken advantage of.
The next time you feel compelled to say yes when asked for a
favour, say no instead. Never fear, the sky is not going to fall
down on your head. You may find that people you considered
your friends were simply taking advantage of your kindness.
The opposite can be true as well. If you consistently turn down

offers to attend social outings or join someone in a work project,
why not be confident and assertive and say yes the next time?
These expressions of assertiveness are subconscious beliefs in
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yourself. They can help boost self-confidence immediately,

fostering an ongoing positive self-image and fewer episodes of
LSE in the long term.
What follows are a series of lessons and exercises which you can
practice regularly, to help you elevate your self-esteem and;
keep it elevated.
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Lesson 1: Conformity May Be Hazardous To Your Mental
Health
These lessons and exercises reject the conventional advice about

self-esteem and self-confidence. They reveal the myths and
fallacies inherent in everyday life that only serve to reinforce low
self-esteem and self-confidence. Defeating them is not as difficult
as you may think.
Self-Esteem & Conformity
The reason you and many other people lack self-esteem is

because of the expectations that others have of you. From your
fragile beginning as a child, your parents, teachers, and peers
always pointed out your failings. They are not at fault really. Our
societal environment has more prohibitions than praises. In order
to conform to the standard benchmarks of society, you needed to
abide by the rules. Proper discipline is necessary in order to
survive in society, so your parents and teachers focused on those
rules. However, there are more do nots in those rules than
there are dos. Society has a negative bias. They do not want
to trip over your toys and fall on their noses! Society has its
priorities, and survival is the basic one.
Then comes school. All your peers want you to wear the same
clothes they do; have your hair styled that way theirs is styled,
and do whatever the loudest kids say you should do. Then and
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only then are you considered OK. So there you are one person
in a crowd of look-alikes. Thats when you began to fade into
the woodwork of life.
If it so happens you develop acne, youre out of luck. The

struggle toward conformity gets even more challenging.
All of this your earliest exposure to the expectations of others

sets the stage for you to define yourself by the esteem of others,
rather than define yourself for who you are and who you want to
become. You do and say things so that society and others will
accept you and like you. The esteem of others can conveniently
become your foundation for your own self-esteem. That simply
does not work in later life, because you do not know who you
really are. And thats whats most important. Youll always have
yourself with you throughout life. Youll not have all those others
from the past around you.
According to the famed psychologist, Abraham Maslow, the need

for self-esteem and the esteem of others ranks just above the
biological need to survive, and the need for safety. In this
sophisticated world, self-esteem and the esteem of others is
closely related to the basic need to survive. You do need both,
but they are not the same. Your challenge, if youre willing to
take up the gauntlet, is to discover what your assets and positive
attributes arenot what someone else thinks they should be!
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Finding that part of yourself under all the clutter of the past, the
cacophony of noise around you, is not simple. Its the challenge
of finding yourself amid the many other selves. Yet, youre the
most important person you need to find and to discover.
If you were to write a 2,000-word essay about yourself your

personality, your qualities, your hopes, and your dreams, what
would you say? Could you really talk about yourself without using
the names of others? Youre worth it, you know! You have your
own value. It does not depend upon anothers approval. You
need no permission slips. You need no excuses. Its your
inalienable right as a person to know and understand yourself.
Self-Confidence and Conformity
Theres an old adage people often employ related to self-

confidence: Believe in yourself! That hackneyed saying is glib
and meaningless. You already believe in yourself by virtue of the
fact that youre here! Self-confidence is more correctly defined
using the adage: Trust yourself! Yes, you may err. We all do.
This world is flawed and we, too, are flawed. However, as you
work at discovering your positive self, youll find in that self the
tools you need to be confident. Not arrogant, mind you,
confident. That means youre open to other opinions. You can
function within the box of your own methodologies, but you can
think outside the box as well.
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One more obstacle remains. How are you going to act self-
confidently when society seems to dictate that youre supposed
to be humble and modest? When someone compliments you,
society decrees that youre supposed to say: Oh, that was
nothing! Well, its not nothing! Say more than just: Thank
You; say: Thank You. Thank You. If you can elaborate, do so!
You see, if you respond positively to the other person, they will
like you all the better. You noticed what they said; you did not
brush them off. It made the other person feel important and
appreciated. Theyll keep talking to you! Guaranteed!
What you said or did in a positive way is an attribute you buried

somewhere in the depth of your personality. Remember that.
Believe that you have contributed something of value, and itll be
so. According to Warren Buffett, the noted billionaire, the
greatest asset you have is yourself. He did not talk about
investments, or index funds, or the stock market. He addressed
you, as a person who can make good things happen, regardless
of whether or not there is monetary value involved.
Beware of the people who come into a room speaking loudly in

words that are bold and courageous! They seem to exude
confidence and self-assuredness. Perhaps they truly are self-
confident, or they are just pretenders. Perhaps they really feel
inferior and assume that their faade of bravado will disguise that
fact. Many people have false fronts because they are afraid
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others will misjudge them or be overly critical. You may feel that
way yourself, except that your mask is different from that of the
other person.
The others you admire may indeed be genuine. They may very
well be the people they appear to be. Its refreshing to see that,
and they can serve as role models for you. To be comfortable
with who you are, despite your failings, is a noble achievement
and leads to happiness.
If I could only be like them! is the clarion call of many who

lack self-confidence. However, its a familiar call. Thats the
destructive message of your peers. Youll often hear advice to the
effect that you should imitate someone whos self-confident.
Wrong!
If you try this, in time, youll discover that this technique does
not work. What you have done, in essence, is to masquerade
yourself as someone else, in hope that you would feel as
confident as that person does. So, there you are repeating the
same conformist scenario. Conform to the behaviour of the other,
and all will be well! No good! Youre not that other person. Youre
you. And thats whats valuable. Thats what really matters.
To thine own self be true William Shakespeare
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The truth is that you cannot pass yourself off as someone else.
Others will readily see that youre being disingenuous, and you
will not merit their esteem.
Its who you are who is important. As Warren Buffet said, Your
greatest asset is yourself. Once you acknowledge that, the
esteem of others will be the side effect of the respect you have
for yourself. This acknowledgement will start to bring you
confidence.
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Lesson 2: Self-Acceptance First - What's So Wrong About
You Anyway?
Is it a long list? Maybe you have unconsciously permitted

yourself to become what your parents, teachers, and peers were!
The significant difference now is the fact that you are your own
subject! The problem is that youre a worse critic than your
mentors ever were!
Fear and guilt about failure to reach perfection can be a

perpetual negative energy source. The craving for perfection is
your hidden vice. Youre on a quixotic quest. You might as well
give it up. Letting go of the unrealistic urge to be perfect can be
painful. It gave you a goal, but that goal is an illusion. No one
searches the end of a rainbow for the pot of gold promised by a
wily leprechaun. Perfection is a fantasy in this imperfect world we
live in. Youll never be perfect. Neither will anyone else!
When you look at yourself in the mirror and reflect on your past,
all those uncomfortable memories come crashing into your mind
like angry waves on a storm-swept beach. One memory churns
up another, as the sea plows through the grains of sand. Is that
all there is within you? One failure after another? One
shortcoming after another? Surely not! Youre not convinced,
though, are you? Try this exercise:
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The Long And Short Exercise
I once had a friend who was a terrific storyteller. Every time he

started a story he would preface it with the common expression:
Now, this is the long and short of it. Hearing that trite
expression was boring, but the story never was.
This is a long and short exercise. Its long because your list of
negative memories is long. Its short because the theme is
always the same.
When you have some time alone, like times when youre driving
or jogging, select one of those worrisome memories. Now,
ACCEPT it! The occurrence was something you did or said. It was
real. It happened. You believe that it was terribleit was
badvery, very bad. Maybe it was, or maybe it was not. That
makes no difference. What matters is your opinion about it. OK.
So, it was bad. Now what? Do you really want to wrap yourself
up in your guilt? Honestly, you do not deserve that.
When performing this exercise, think of the following in as much

detail as you can:
Where did it happen?
When did it happen?
Who was present?
What exactly happened?
How did this make you feel?
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What were the potential themes e.g. you were in a group

setting; you were meeting new people, your boss was
present etc.?
Go through some more of your prominent bad memories, and

repeat this exercise for as long as you care to.
Once you have gone through a few memories, you will be able to
see some common themes and situations which help to highlight
your low self-esteem.
Theres a common theme to most of those negative memories.

Identify it. This is something you can change. Make note of it,
but above all accept it. The future is tomorrow. Thats the time
for change.
Theres another theme or two to the remainder of your negative

memories. Identify them. Maybe those are things that you
cannot change. They might be part of your dark self. Every
person has a dark self. ACCEPT that, too.
Cautionary Note: Don't Get Lost!
You do want to transform yourself yes however, you should

never attempt to lose your personality. Youre going to modify,
not substitute, the integral parts of you. Others expect you to
still be who you are.
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Believe it or not, you do have your own specific brand of charm!

While you may work to reduce, or eliminate those aspects of
yourself with which youre dissatisfied, you have so much more
to offer. In the next lesson, if will be your task if youre willing
to accept it to identify your positives. This will take some
hunting perhaps, but its a worthwhile and even a fun-filled
adventure. Those are the parts of you that need to be
resurrected from the labyrinthine halls of your memory.
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Lesson 3: Self-Acceptance - What's So RIGHT About You?
If youre like most people, this is a short lista very short list!
When you learned how to conform to societys mandates, and
those of your parents and your peers, and your boss, you learned
something else subconsciously. You learned how to discount all
those other important factors that comprise the real you! They
are the sum total of who you are. Those are your looks, your
behaviours, your intuitions, your experiences, your heritage, your
mind, your spirit, your feelings, your interests, etc. The other
missing variable is what you have to offer to others and to
society in general. Thats the part of you that was buried for so
long during the tempests of life. They were lost along with
everything else you trained yourself to overlook. You do not
want the best thats in you to be concealed in a precious urn at
an archaeological dig. Why are you hiding yourself so deeply?
The "Sit Up And Take Notice" Exercise
I have a friend by the name of Tanya. Whenever she and I go to

horse shows, she remarks about the positive features and
accomplishments of the various horses, and their standings in
the competitions. She also points out their carriage (whatever
that is) and their performance styles. At least ten times during
her discussion (lecture?), she notes a particular positive
characteristic of each horse and remarks: When you see that in
a horse, you have to sit up and take notice.
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When you have time alone, review the various factors that
comprise you and your personality. Do not overlook anything.
Note your positive characteristics. Now, Sit up and take notice!
Those are items you have buried deep within the dark vaults of
your memory. Those are the positive characteristics you have
overlooked for so many years.
This is very important, so do write down what your positive

characteristics are, because youre so accustomed at dismissing
them as irrelevant. ACCEPT them! They signify very vibrant parts
of you as a person. Those traits are different from those of your
brothers or sisters or your friends or anyone else. Those qualities
are cornerstones for the new you thats already a work-in-
progress.
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Lesson 4: How Fear Usurps Esteem And Confidence And
How To Fix It
In dealing with your fears, itll help if you understand what

biophysical processes of your body are involved, especially
related to the emotion of fear. If you know whats happening
inside your body, you can learn to reduce the negative kickbacks
of imagined fears that impede you and forbid you to make
progress.
Once you know whats happening inside you, itll enable you to
control your fear and eventually make those fears less relevant.
Have you ever heard a car alarm go off by accident? Yes! Lots of
times! You do not react by calling the police because you learned
that anything could set those alarms off the wind, a loud noise,
a movement, or a low charge in the car battery. You learned
through experience that a call to the police in this case wouldve
been an overreaction.
Perhaps youre overreacting to fears you perceive in attempting

something new something unfamiliar. If you allow it, fear can
build a prison around you. Total happiness and comfort with
yourself cannot be achieved by avoiding life and its challenges.
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Fear is a Double-Whammy
There are several proven methods that work well, provided that
there is value in the offering. Those include:
There are two main bodily organs involved in the emotion of fear
the brain and the adrenal glands. The message of fear is
transmitted by neurotransmitters (specialised neurons) that send
their frenzied signals throughout your body faster than lightning.
They are released by a part of your unconscious mind in the mid-
brain, then dispatched to your adrenal glands, and distributed
throughout your body. No wonder you may get weak knees or
your voice trembles with stress and anxiety!
There are also FOUR accomplices involved in this biochemical plot

two major neurotransmitters AND two hormones! The
neurotransmitters are dopamine and epinephrine. Epinephrine
gives rise to the emotional Fight Flight response. The
hormones that are assisting the operation are adrenaline and
cortisol. They cause anxiety and impel you to action. In essence,
they are the accomplices who drive the getaway car by urging
you to run away! (The flight segment of the fight flight
response.)
Some say that overcoming fear is easy. Others say overcoming

fear is difficult. So youre NOT going to overcome it; youre
going to learn how to deal with it. Once you try that out just a
tad, itll defuse the effects of all those biophysical molecules
36
racing around within you. How? Your brain really does rule your
body, if you let it.
If you fail at your attempts to deal with your fear, and those
feelings of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence erupt
again, do not beat yourself up and permit the infusion of guilt.
Submersion in guilt is non-productive. Its a dead end.
Let Your Body Teach Your Brain!
Have you ever noticed that if you force a smile on your face and
walk cheerily, it has an effect on your whole body? Have you
ever felt yourself actually start to feel happy and unburdened?
The body can teach that part of your unconscious brain to stop
overreacting! Your brain, including that agitated nerve network of
yours calms down when you use this approach. The alarmist
hormones no longer rage through your body, so they subdue
their venomous output. This simple system really works! Its
similar to the technique used in meditation, and is why so many
people employ it.
Lets suppose you have the chance to go into a social situation at

work or outside of work. You feel inadequate and self-conscious.
The issues of low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence are
prominent in your mind.
Next, your fear reaction kicks in. Those pesky neurotransmitters

and hormones start raging throughout you! Your stomach
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squeezes up. You grit your teeth, and a whole list of excuses for
skipping the event races into your mind most of them
ridiculous. Yes, you can dodge this opportunity to exercise self-
expression. In other words, you can run away. Naturally that will
get you nowhere fast in dealing with your fear. If you do not go
to the function, youll let your emotion of fear bully you into
submission. Your emotions will rule you, not your brain. What
happens afterward? Well, you feel guilty because you dodged an
opportunity that may not come again. You ducked out on a
chance to start to become the person you really can be! Guilt
leads to remorse, and remorse leads to depression.
So decide to go to the gathering despite all that fear you feel

within! You just need to take a few steps forward, even though
your body wants to go in the opposite direction. Youll move
slowly when you arrive, because your body is in an agitated
state. Thats OK. Just force it to slow down. Make deliberate
movements, not frenetic ones. Your heart may be pounding (the
hormones are acting up), but no one will hear it. Overcoming
fear can be difficult; so DONT overcome fearAccept it and
deal with it! You can learn how to live with fear and convert fear
into a minor threat. Once you try that out just a tad, itll defuse
the effects of all those biophysical molecules racing around within
you. How? Your brain really does rule your body, if you let it.
In time, youll discover that once you have dealt with fear, and
reduced it to a minor threat, Itll diminish. That takes just the
38
repeated use of the simple technique elucidated above. In

psychology this is called desensitisation.
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Lesson 5: Self-Esteem And Your Environment
Before we jump into discussing different environments and how

self-esteem is impacted by them, I want to actually detail what a
healthy environment for building positive self-confidence habits
should consist of.
Because, in order to successfully build self-esteem, certain

characteristics of your environment need to be present.
I think it goes without saying that you DO NOT want to surround

yourself with people that are constantly belittling you. You want
to have supportive people present, and a supportive environment
both at work and at home.
At the same time, you dont want to be coddled. You want the
right amount of reinforcement for you to be recognised in your
accomplishments. You want to feel rewarded and bonded with as
a whole. The feeling of being loved, appreciated, and cared for
all play a massive role in your level of self-esteem and the ability
to foster it for positive growth.
This is also enforced by meeting basic needs of living such as an

adequate diet, a healthy routine with sleep, hygiene, and
stability.
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You need to feel confident in your daily tasks. Things should be

more or less planned out. A healthy environment for self-esteem
will convey messages of warming, loving, and caring by physical
signs and emotional signs as well.
Those around you should be accepting of your actions and; who

you are. As for you, its important that both you and those in
your presence recognise the value of every person. Noting that
every person has their own set of personality characteristics,
skills, talents, and competencies which make them unique and
special in their own way.
Practicing acceptance enables people to develop relationships

with others, while also maintaining healthy boundaries of
individuality within themselves.
Emphasis on good communication should be important, and

everyone in the ideal positive surrounding should be heard and
responded to in a constructive and healthy manner so that
problem solving is always an option.
The appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is highly

encouraged and rewarded in this kind of environment. We call
this communicating at a "feelings" level which is the ideal mode
of operation for people like you and I that may lack self-esteem.
This allows us to be in touch with our emotions in a productive
manner.
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Going off of that, a healthy environment for self-esteem must

also contain a dose of recognition and acceptance for yourself
and others in your life. This recognition and acceptance should
never be based on the condition that you or anybody else must
first conform to a pre-determined standard of acting or being.
Unconditional recognition and acceptance when given in the form
of support allows us to reach our full potential, just the same as
others.
When it comes to your environment, it should be clearly defined

and have enforced limitations known to those that are involved in
your life. There should be no secrets or manipulation at all.
Limits are set to structure our lives, and present us with
definitive benchmarks for appropriate and inappropriate
behaviour.
For instance, you shouldnt engage in negative or discouraging

behaviour both towards yourself OR others. On top of that, limits
allow us to recognise our own duties and keep track of the course
of our behaviour in a more rational way.
Additionally, full respect and latitude for individual actions

within these defined limits of the healthy self-esteem fostering
environment should also be active. This will encourage your own
creativity outside of the box, as well as your imagination to be
productive with the established structure. Restrictions that
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suppress your own individuality can result in a narrower tunnel in

focus, with you becoming stunted in the use of your own
personal skills, talents, and even resources as well.
Lastly, a healthy environment for self-esteem should consist of

regular bonding, which is the emotional and physical connection
between individuals and those in their life and environment. This
is absolutely necessary for the proper growth and development of
your POSITIVE self-esteem. You want to surround yourself with
those that have a mutual emotional attachment with us. This
could be a parent, friends, significant other, child, and so on.
This also involves the other party giving unconditional love and
support as well as helping to formulate an emotional link
between both.
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Lesson 6: Self-Esteem And Confidence At Social
Gatherings
There are happy and unhappy introverts in this world. Artists,

writers, composers, and many others in such professions indicate
that isolation is necessary for their work. It is. Some of those
people do not have many friends and believe that all they need in
life are just a few friends who are faithful and caring. They are
the happy introverts. Nevertheless, all human beings have the
basic need for at least a modest amount of social interaction,
even those engaged in such professions.
Without some degree of interaction, total isolation can result in

neurosis and psychological disturbance. If you prod your
memory, you can recall many out-of-work actors and artists who
have committed suicide. They let the isolation get out of control,
and thats an awful misfortune.
Even introverts need to learn how to feel comfortable in social

situations. Life, as well as basic human needs, demands it. A
writer might need to meet with the staff at the publishing house,
for example. Writers cannot just sit through such meetings
sucking their thumbs!
You may be the kind of person who seeks out solitude by virtue
of your personality. Thats OK, if and only if there is a solid
44
rationale for it. Of course, you have the need for some
interaction for mental health reasons, if nothing else. You also
need friends, although not hordes of them. There are telephones.
Theres email. Theres social media.
Therefore, if you really are a happy introvert, you still need skills
in order to socialise on occasion.
Should it so happen that your personality dictates that youre a

closet extrovert, and you do not realise it; you will feel extreme
discontent. Extroverts even closet extrovertsnot only have a
need, but also a craving for social input. Others around you will
serve to reinforce those qualities that make you who you really
are as a person, if only you could be led to believe that. The
others do want to meet you, despite that negative self-talk you
preach to yourself when alone.
Irrational Beliefs about the Self and Socialisation
Theres a very large school of psychology devoted to cognitive

behavioural theory. Its a field fed by clinical research and
anecdotal studies. Some of the most famous names associated
with this field are: JS Beck, DD Burns, Butler, and Albert Ellis for
all their books and work in the field.
Theres great wisdom in what they have said regarding the role
of irrational thoughts in engendering fear. These are fears that
45
do not mean youre crazy. They are fears founded upon

emotional and mental misinterpretations you have amassed
through the years. Wrong learning like that can have devastating
effects on you unless you recognise that its like a sheep dressed
up in the fur of a wolf!
Such irrational thoughts may have become a system of beliefs

that you apply to yourself and to social situations.
Examples of Irrational Beliefs about Yourself:
Im a loser.
No one loves me.
No matter what I do, its a disaster.
I can never be happy.
Nothing ever goes my way.
If something goes wrong, its my fault.
If I have any positive qualities, they are miniscule and dont

matter.
I feel stupid, so I must really be stupid.
Examples of Irrational Beliefs about Social Interactions:
I wont know anyone at the party, so why go?
So-and-So ignores me when I go to parties with her there.
I dont have anything to contribute to the conversation.
Im going to say something stupid or embarrassing.
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Everybody at the party is going to be boring.
Social gatherings are non-productive.
Everybody will laugh at my outfit and hairstyle.
You may also feel that those things others say about you are
true. Perhaps you heard that John thinks youre a snob. Perhaps
you heard that Jane thinks youre clever. Do you adopt those
opinions as true? Because you have a natural need for the
esteem of others, as indicated by the behavioural psychologists,
youll feel anxiety if those opinions others have of you do not
match your own.
However, there is a paradox built into this. Mary may think

youre a little dull and boring, but nice. Joe, on the other hand,
may think youre quite stimulating. You like and respect both of
those people. So, what do you conclude? You must conclude that
sometimes you come across as dull and boring, but nice; and
sometimes you come across as stimulating. Theres always an
outlying possibility that both of them are wrong! The upshot of
this is to recognise that the opinions of others are always
coloured by their own perceptions and state of mind. And so are
yours, by the way!
Refer to that list of positive characteristics you resurrected from

deep within you. These are the qualities of the real you that need
to be nurtured and developed. Other people may or may not
recognise them in you. Whats more, those other people may
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tend to view a lot of other people in a negative light. That does

not make them right.
Of course, if you think too highly of yourself or youre a

narcissist, you could have the wrong opinion of yourself. You
could take those positive attributes you believe you have and
totally exaggerate them. You can be an egotist. However, reader,
you are not! Youre someone whos in the process of
rediscovering who you really are, without the labels others assign
to you. Youre not like Narcissus who stares in the water and
sees a superstar. Youre the person who looks into the water and
sees whats really there. Youre the kind of individual who
accepts what you see. Youre the one who chooses to change
some things about yourself, but NEVER to change the total reality
of who you are. If you could do that, it would amount to self-
betrayal. It would also confuse your friends and family terribly!
In a word, its too extreme to make major changes. Theres a

LOT in you thats beautiful, but you have turned a blind eye to it.
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How To Deal With Your Irrational Beliefs About The Self And Socialisation
You reject which of those beliefs that you can. (justifiable denial)
You realise that youre firmly set in your allegiance to other
irrational beliefs, so you need to admit that you may be quite
wrong in your assessmentOR you may be quite right! Accept
the fact that you do not really know. (acceptance of ambiguity)
Look for the missing part
Technique One Questions

When youre uncomfortable in social settings, youre focusing
upon yourself in some way. Look around. Select a person or a
conversation toward which to direct your attention. Find
somethingparticularly a question to ask related to the subject.
If the person fails to answer you, ask it again. Never let the
question go. If the person still fails to answer, pose a possible
answer and framework it as a question. YOU WILL GET A
RESPONSE! Youre important and you deserve to be heard, just
as much as the talker.
Technique Two Exploration of Others

Diane, an acquaintance of mine once went through a long
polemic about life in the jungles of Suriname. How did she know
so much about that? She seldom went far beyond her own town.
Diane was chatty, and once met a fellow at a party who flew
helicopters in and out of a new gold mine in that country. He was
delighted to tell her all about his life and adventures in this
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remote location! You can explore many vistas, learn about many
trades, and find out how others really think and feel. There are
worlds inside the minds of others. Its first-hand knowledge, not
something on a TV travel or science channel.
Hint: Stay away from politics and religion! Just nod as they
speak.
Technique Three Escape

When youre at a party or family gathering, advisors in the area
of self-esteem and self-confidence rarely ever suggest that you
escape. I differ, but hastily add the codicil that you should not
spend your entire time in escape! Where do you hide? The
kitchen is a great place. Your hostess usually needs help with
serving or dishes. Others will be there, but they never stay there
long. You can always go to the bathroom or look for something in
your coat pocket, but those are merely short-term solutions. You
can go outside for a breath of air. Walk around and re-enter
the house through another door. A new scene awaits you!
Technique Four Find the Lost Folks

Who are they? Those are the folks who are alone at the social
gathering. They are sitting by themselves with no one to talk to.
Explore those peoples worlds. Other lone folks might sometimes
get sucked into a one-to-one discussion with an obsessive talker.
You can join the two. If the captured listener runs away, you too
can listen for a while. Then direct the person away to the snack
50
table or kitchen. Watch what happens! Actually this is a fun

game.
Technique Five Eye Contact

This is the most difficult of all for shy folks like you at a social
affair! However, its relatively simple if you listen to others and
focus your glance just slightly above the area between their
eyes. Thats much, much harder to do while youre talking, isnt
it? Youll look at the floor, to one side or the other, above their
heads, or at something else. The only way to overcome this habit
is to look at the person from time to time. Then try to look at
them for longer and longer periods of time while you talk to
them. Give yourself some mental kudos for that!
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Lesson 7: Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence At Work
When you accept a job, you may feel very apprehensive.

However, you have taken a job at which you can perform well at
some of it! Theres no occupation that will not have challenges.
No two companies operate the same. If you seek a job that
meets all your requirements, youll be on the unemployment line.
Risk is one of the more formidable problems for a person who
does not have a high value of himself or herself. Without risk,
though, there is no progress. You accepted the job because you
have trust in your abilities. Keep that in mind at all times!
I once knew a person in the Accounts Receivable department

who was sent a check for $30,000. The amount the payer owed
was supposed to be $300!
See how careless that clerk at the payers company was! That is
not you. Youre the last person on earth who would make such a
mistake! Theres a value in being as self-conscious as you are,
you know! Youre very careful about the execution of your work.
Chalk that up to one of those items in the Whats Right About
Me section! Kudos to you!
Peaceful Co-Existence with Fellow Employees
Most of your fellow employees are really nice people. But they
have different Work Personality Styles. Some can be very
52
helpful to you; others can be subversive. These are nicknames I

have assigned to those kinds of co-workers:
1. The Parent This is the man or woman who tries

to adopt you. That person will give you advice as to
how to work, how to dress, how to handle the boss,
and the like. Do a lot of nodding as if you approve.
What they really seek is your esteem. However, make
your own decisions as to whether or not youll follow
the advice that person imparts.
2. The Gang This is the group of people who hang

out together in the lunchroom. They conform to their
own code of conduct, dress, and behaviour. Maybe
youll be able to join this crowd, but most likely not.
They represent the old school that the employers
tend to placate. Fortunately, your salary does not
depend upon them, so choose as you wish.
3. The Quicksanders These folks are the ones who

pack your head with information substantiating how
terrible everything is at the companyhow horrible
the boss ishow awful some of other employees are.
Those people are like quicksand and can pull you
down with them. Execute your nodding Yes routine
but do not follow their lead.
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4. The Dumpers These are the individuals who will

try to manipulate you into doing your work PLUS some
of their work! Because youre new, and because you
do not have a high level of self-esteem, they will take
advantage of you. Herein lies your greatest
challenge! Privately and politely tell them No. You do
not need to present them with an excuse. Youll feel
far better about yourself as a person If you do this,
and youll establish yourself as your own person
capable and worthy of respect. However, if your boss
asks you to help out, then do so, of course.
5. The Wax Begonias Those are the folks with very

placid personalities. Like wax begonias, they are
quietly rooted in the soil, expecting only to be watered
and fertilised occasionally. Theres an air of stagnancy
in their style. They do represent a safe environment,
nonetheless, and you may feel comfortable there for a
while.
Once you have established your place in the social structure of

your fellow employees, youre free to make your own decisions.
Some will like you; some will not. Those who do not approve of
you are unimportant in your life. Those who like you do not mind
what you say or do. They accept you for who you are, and are
good role models. If it so happens you find out you have
obtained the esteem of another, its a side effect of who you
54
really arebut its only a side effect, not a goal. Esteem and
appreciate that other person as well.
55
Lesson 8: Don't Take It Personally? Easy To Say Tough To
Do
Thats easier said than done. Most people who are capable of
loving very deeply have rich emotional lives, and feel many
different feelings during their lives. Those people, who are very
sensitive to the feelings of another, are likewise very sensitive to
their own feelings. For those sensitive, feeling people, its a
veritable challenge not to take the words and actions of another
personally. This is a personal practice that needs to be developed
in order to cope with this ever-growing frenetic society.
Now, if someone says something to you that you find offensive,

its human nature to react defensively. Youre annoyed because
you perceive the act to be meant for you personally. Its very
difficult for you to believe that the comment was not meant
personally. You have low self-esteem, so you might engage in
this. Its an irrational belief that these comments are truly meant
for you personally. There are many people who are careless of
speech, and do not examine what they say, and how it might be
misinterpreted by others.
Analysis of the event may indeed yield something different. For

the sake of ego survival, you need to re-examine that statement
or act. In courts of law, its required that a jury reach a verdict
based upon the condition that they believe someone is guilty
56
beyond a reasonable doubt. Is there sufficient evidence beyond a

reasonable doubt that the other really intended it as personal? Is
there any evidence that the other may not have meant it to be a
personal offense? Suppose someone fails to answer your urgent
text message. Suppose someone fails to return your phone call?
Is there really sufficient reason to conclude that he or she
intended this as a personal affront to you? No, most likely not.
People do things in haste and often without thinking. Some even
contact you later and go through prolonged explanations as to
why they were unable to get back to you. Well, they too are a
little lacking in self-confidence. No one, including you, really
needs to present excuses for not responding to you in a timely
manner.
Likewise, you do not have to present excuses for failing to swiftly

respond to a text message or phone call. Youre not obligated to
justify your behaviour, because its normal.
Consider the following factors:
1. Other Persons Emotional State Theres a myriad of

reasons for a persons failure to respond in an appropriate,
polite, and prompt manner. This is a world in which people
are pressured, and everyone responds differently to
pressure. The response is usually emotionally based. For
example, they are anxious, overtired, confused, distracted,
or annoyed at something or someone other than you or
57
your text message. They may not have wanted to respond

to you at that time because they were upset about
something else. In that case, the kindest thing the other
person can do is to delay contacting you, so that they do
not take out their annoyance from another situation on you.
2. Importance of the Issue Is the event really worth

your time to examine it carefully? Your time is valuable.
Spending your time mulling over an apparent slight affront
will only intensify your feelings of negativity and inferiority.
Let it pass.
3. Your Own Sensitivities You may also be tired. You

may be feeling particularly inferior on one day and more
competent on other days. That very much depends upon
the demands of the day. Hence, you may feel more
sensitive on a particular day, but feel fine the next day. Its
possible that you misinterpreted the other persons
statements or actions.
4. The Other Persons Opinion of You The other really

may NOT like you! (Gasp!) The slight that you feel may
indeed be genuine. This is not the end of the world. Its
irrational to feel that everyone must like you! The other
person is entitled to his or her own feelings and opinions. In
truth, you cannot control the way another feels about you.
So, why bother trying? As painful as that may seem at
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times, everyone at your company may not like you. Thats

simply the way it is. By the same token youre not required
to like everyone else either! So there! Of course, its in the
interest of the survival of your ego to be courteous just the
same.
Above all, you need peace of mind. To accept the fact that you
may not be the most admired of all others is an acceptance of
your own humanity and that of others.
Striving to give others the benefit of the doubt when they do or

say something that may seem offensive detours your mind away
from the obsessiveness that can imprison your peace of mind.
Such worries and obsessions are self-destructive, can cause
brooding and rumination. Others are not spending a lot of their
time thinking about you, so why spend a lot of time thinking
about them?
Self-Esteem and The Esteem of Others
Self-esteem is a healthy sense of self-love and respect for

oneself. It does not depend upon what others think. Teenagers
often spend a great deal of their social life worried about what
their peers think of them. Therefore, they desperately try to
imitate the mannerisms, appearance, clothing, and activities of
the others. Then they make every attempt to find out if they
have successfully obtained that esteem. As people grow older,
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they oftentimes repeat this sort of behaviour in their personal

lives and in their work lives. Those people assume that the
esteem of others will boost their own self-esteem.
Does it really? Absolutely not!
Shakespeare said in his play As You Like It: All the worlds a
stage, and all the men and women merely players Youre NOT
on stage with an audience to please. Do not try to watch yourself
as if from the perspective of a camera, attempting to determine
what you look like, and how your behaviours and words come
across to others. Youre not playing a part; youre not an actor.
The esteem of others is not as rewarding as it seems. Over the

years, there have been many famous people who have
committed suicide. Those are people who have enjoyed the
applause of thousands. Their phones ring with a countless
number of offers from producers, casting directors, and the like.
You would assume that these celebrities realised that they had
the esteem of others, because they certainly did. This esteem of
others, though, did not give them a sense of self-esteem and
self-love. No, the esteem of others does not guarantee self-
esteem. So, there is no point in depending upon the esteem of
others for satisfaction. It cannot be found there.
Self-esteem comes from within the depths of your being. It does

not come from the esteem of others. If others care about you,
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its not because of who you are. The esteem of others is not only
the side effect of your own self-esteem. Its:
1. The result of your compassion for others

2. The outcome of your efforts to reach out to others, not for
your sake, but for theirs
3. The consequence of your merits and your achievements
4. The effect your personality has on others
5. The manner in which you live
6. Your qualities
To set out and look for the esteem of others exclusively is like
chasing mirages in the shadows of dunes in the desert.
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Lesson 9: Esteem of The Body and Mind
Theres a direct correlation between physical exercise and good

mental health, according to researchers and writers such as Otto,
Blumenthal, de Groot, and Smits. Many people overlook this,
although it has been shown in clinical studies repeatedly.
The anxiety and depression that sometimes accompanies lack of

self-esteem and self-confidence causes mood changes. Those
events may cause you to react negatively to real or supposed
personal affronts and challenges of having to perform in
competent ways at work and at home. Those emotional roller-
coaster rides create anxiety, and that builds up energy within you
that calls for release. The anxiety you feel easily gives way to
anger toward the self or others. Adrenaline and related hormones
churn through your bloodstream and nervous system. Unless
they are permitted to vent themselves through the use of your
muscles, or another viable alternative, those hormones will turn
on your own body as well as your mind! Your heart, your
stomach, your sleep cycles, and your digestion may be adversely
affected. This suppressed anger eventually converts to
depression, and your mental outlook can become unbalanced.
The story Im about to relate to you is an extreme example of

what can happen if someone lets himself or herself be blinded by
wishful thinking instead of taking intelligent action in service of
their physical and mental survival. Tragically, this story is true:
62
Once there was a fellow by the name of Gus. He used to work at

a mid-level managerial job. In time, he permitted himself to
become angry with co-workers for a variety of reasons, most of
which were unfounded. This gave rise to anxiety that he failed to
address for years. Gus was no longer a likeable person, and his
personality turned nasty. He permitted himself to decompensate,
until he became severely depressed. The depression caused him
to overeat. As he continued to overeat, in a misguided effort to
alleviate his depression, he became too fat to keep working, and
went on unemployment. After that money ran out, he went on the
dole. Others, both friends and professionals, tried to help, but he
eschewed their attempts belligerently. Instead, he spent his time
on the Internetall day, every day, eating the whole time.
Eventually, his body totally gave out, and Gus died. Gus was only
44 years old.
Some of you may have happened to come across another Gus

in a discussion group. And if you do, no doubt youll eventually
realise that he is not willing to help himself. You discover sadly
that he is very much in love with his own misery, and wallows in
it daily. There really are people like that.
Stories like the one about Gus, has been elucidated in many
clinical studies, including one performed by Hendricks of Texas A
& M University, Bore of Tarleton State University, and others, for
the National Forum of Counselling and Addiction in 2013.
63
Clinical studies have also shown that chronic anger and/or

depression triggers such a powerful chemical imbalance in the
body that it actually slows down the digestive processes. Because
this happens, your stomach can become very acidic, and may
result in gastric ulcers and acid reflux disease. Another hormone
is also let loose in that case called cortisol. Normally, cortisol is
intended to help individuals cope during highly stressful events.
The sudden death of a loved one would be one example. The
cortisol, then, would aid the person in giving him or her the
capability of going longer periods of time without eating. Cortisol
also helps produce energy by increasing the necessary blood
sugar levels needed to produce sufficient energy to weather the
crisis. All thats good, unless youre victimised by continual
stress.
Unfortunately, cortisol will also suppress the immune system and

you might suffer from more infections, frequent colds, and skin
disease flare-ups if your stress is constant. Over a prolonged
period of time, the increase of blood sugar caused by excess
secretion of this hormone can give rise to diabetes. In women, a
constant influx of cortisol can also reduce bone density. All in all,
the effects of suppressed anger can have its undesirable physical
effects.
Mentally, the build-up of the stress hormones can disrupt your

personal relationships, your ability to handle your work
environment, and even your own sense of self-esteem. Its
64
essential, then, that you find an alternative release to expend the

additional impact created by this energy increase.
65
Stress Reduction Techniques
1. Laughing! (No kidding!)

2. Change of environment
3. Understanding your biochemical reactions to stress
4. Exercise (either mild or intensive)
Laughing
Modification of ones facial expression can force the body to
respond in like manner. As said earlier, the body can teach the
brain. Smiling and laughing also relieves the tension others are
feeling and may actually bring about the esteem of others. Hes
always smiling, people say. Everyone is drawn to someone who
appears to be happy, because they can share in a bit of that
happiness too. Comedies on TV or on stage always draw crowds.
Humour is good for ones mental health.
Change of Environment
Its not easy to walk through a beautiful bird-filled park and feel
angry. The mere curiosity of enjoying new sights and sounds
awakens within one the innate desire to be a part of nature. Its
the deep-set longing for peace of mind and heart thats stirred.
Another change of environment can also help, if and only if its

essential for your well-being. Thats making a change in your
employment. This is drastic, of course, and must be well
planned. In many cases, people have nearly transformed
themselves by virtue of a job change. Some occupational
66
environments are negative by nature of the job demands or the

presence of negative co-workers.
Understanding your biochemical reactions to stress

In this lesson and in prior lessons, you have read about the
effects of hormone build up in your system due to stress alone.
That knowledge alone will help you realise that your discomfort is
caused by automatic reactions within your body. Those reactions
often misdirect you into assigning a deeper meaning to an
imagined threat. A lot of people have reported that this
recognition alone reduced their fears and apprehension. When
the body tries to control and rule you, you can put a stop to that
by some conscious intervention. You tell yourself, in essence,
Oh, thats just my adrenaline kicking up again. It has no relation
to a real threat to my self-worth. Once you do this, it WILL
subside. Mind over body as the saying goes.
Exercise
Because your hormones and nerves are in an uproar, the excess
energy created craves release. Otherwise, that pent-up energy
will backfire on your body and manifest in abnormal and
unhealthy ways.
Here are some suggested techniques for installing your own little
program, without having to invest in a gym membership:
67
Take brisk walks. These walks should be powerful enough

to raise your heartbeat just a little. Pause when needed.
Walk up and down stairs a number of times without

stopping.
Rope skipping, jumping jacks, and push-ups are excellent.
Squats and lunges (squat and standsquat and stand)
Bicycle riding
You might also find some useful low-impact exercises on

YouTube on some of the leading health and exercise blogs.
The effects of exercise in reducing anxiety and stress will be felt

immediately. You might find it helpful to repeat some of your
exercising at different times of the day. On the other hand, do
not expect that you will lose weight! It has been proven over and
over again that exercise will only result in weight loss over an
extended period of time, and must be accompanied by dietary
adjustments.
68
Lesson 10: Silly Habits To Boost Self-Esteem
Self-worth needs to be entertained with something other than

negativity. Even soldiers at war break away from the battlefield
to fight another day! Its about time you enjoyed some carefree
mind-play! Another pastime rather than brooding or ruminating
must fill your conscious mind and crowd out those unpleasant
thoughts and fears.
Here are some suggested mental exercises and habits to

develop:
Memorise and recite a few light-hearted poems
Watch TV or a video something inane
Imagine yourself on stage and dance to your hearts

content in your living room
Conjure up an episode of your favourite TV show and

imagine yourself as a character in the show
Raise a pet
Write a blog (a light-hearted blog). Do not expose your soul

to strangers on the other side of the screen!
Try singing your national anthem (Under stress, this is

harder to do than you think!)
69
Colour with crayons
Cook
Arts and crafts
Look at cartoons on the Internet
Reorganise your dresser drawers
Play lively music loudly, if you care to
What NOT to do:
If youre depressed, do NOT sit down or lie down! Force

yourself to do something more active and keep busy.
Do NOT turn your lights off in the early evening. You have
self-worth. You do not need to hide!
If youre experiencing a worst-case lack of esteem scenario, do

NOT stay home! Go to the store. Just browse around in a store in
which you have never been before. Look at the toys, if the store
has a toy department. If youre not the handyman type, check
out the hardware department and wonder what all those parts
and tools are for! If the store clerk comes over to you, just tell
him Im browsing! Youll be amused as he walks away in
confusion. After all, who browses at parts in a hardware store
without anything in mind? Try it sometime!
70
Lesson 11: Establishing Support Systems
My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.
Henry Ford
Friends are the bulkheads of support. Sometimes, however, there

can be a tendency to air your complaints to the friend ad
nauseum. Commiserating too much will only serve to reinforce
your negative view of yourself and others, not to mention be
rather trying on your friends. Your friends also have needs. Lend
them your shoulder, if needed. There are also people you might
befriend who want to do things, like activities or volunteering.
Youll have the inclination to turn them down, but this is
detrimental to your own mental health. It also turns other people
off. Go ahead join their volunteer efforts if you can.
No one likes needy friends. You want the esteem of others, and
you have a lot of positive qualities to share. Why be stingy about
it? Take the risk and venture out of the self-constructed prison
you have built around you. Give to the other, and the other will
give back to you.
You do not need a LOT of friends. All you need in life is just a few
faithful friends. Those friendships need nurturing, and then they
will last a lifetime!
71
Do not be embarrassed to seek professional help. It would be

very beneficial to locate a kindly, understanding counsellor. This
person is trained to be neutral and non-judgmental. Your
counsellor will see you from the outside, but later from the
inside, as she or he ascertains your individual needs and
personality.
Its your counsellors objective to help you feel better about

yourself. As you start feeling more successful, your counsellor
will share in your success. The challenge lies in the interaction
between the two of you. Therefore, its important to be as honest
as you can without pretence. Youre not there to make a positive
impression on your counsellor. Attempts to do that will only serve
to delay your improvement. Shed the faade with her or him. Be
yourself. In the accepting atmosphere of a counselling session,
you can accomplish much, much more than you can by attending
social gatherings or dealing with co-workers or employers.
Meeting with a counsellor does NOT mean youre crazy! Youre an

anxious person. So are 80% of the worlds population. Your
difficulties DO NOT lie in the fact that you have anxieties; its just
that you may not be dealing with your anxieties effectively. Some
of your coping strategies have been backfiring, or youre
psychologically weary. Events in your past may have affected you
in such a way that certain occurrences trigger a strong emotional
response. In those instances, you may not be as objective as
someone else might be. Do remember, though, that others have
72
not lived through your experiences. You have a personal history

unlike that of anyone else. Sometimes it needs individual
attention by a professional trained to help you re-evaluate your
unpleasant experiences in a different light.
Take advantage of the open-air honesty youre expressing. There

are so many times in life when you cannot express your true
feelings. Perhaps you feel too embarrassed. Perhaps youre
concerned about hurting another person. Only with friends or
with a valued counsellor can you drop your outward mask, and
be your real self.
73
Lesson 12: Positive Affirmations To Develop Self-Esteem
The crux of this list is to think always in positive terms about life
and the opportunities that sometimes appear. Then embrace
those opportunities to share who you are with others.
I approve of myself and feel great about myself.
I am well respected for the genuineness of my love for

others.
My high self- esteem enables me to also show right-minded

respect to others, not for gaining their approval of me.
I am a wise yet a humble person who can laugh at myself.
I am solution-minded and refuse to give in to gloom and

doom ways of thinking. I understand the need for work as
well as communication in all difficult moments.
My mind is full of gratitude for my beautiful and wonderful

life.
I release the past and live only in the present and with that
I get to enjoy and experience the fullness of life.
I am an adult who understands how to make wise and good

decisions, and for that can rightfully be called an
independent adult.
The authority is within and not outside of me.
74
I can be happy in a crowd or alone because I am connected

to an interior source of power for my life.
I greet others with self-assuredness and enthusiasm.
I always remember that I want to make the other feel good

about himself or herself.
I am persistent in my quest toward a goal.
Every day I see opportunities that are positive.
I wake up looking forward to the unusual, the unexpected,

and the surprises every day visits upon me.
People feel comfortable with me because I am a good

listener.
I attract others to myself people who are like me.
I will not overlook or ignore the positive events in life.
I will enjoy the sun on the sunny days.
I will appreciate the birds, the trees, and the clouds that
dance across the sky above me.
I have the ability to achieve my goals.
I already feel better about myself.
I choose happiness.
I see every hurdle as a challenge.
I accept others for who they are, and others accept me.
I am grateful for the person I am and the person I will

become.
75
I live in the present.
I deserve love, because I respect and love myself.
Identify an affirmation which delivers the message and the and

the emotion who wish to develop. Practice this affirmation at
regular intervals throughout the day e.g. when you shower, when
you are walking, anytime you are alone. Dont be afraid to say
your affirmation out loud.
It helps to hear positive messages and there is no reason why

you cant deliver some of those messages yourself.
76
Lesson 13: Notable Self-Esteem And Self-Confidence
Quotes
Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be

made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life, but
define yourself. Harvey Fierstein
Trust in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a

humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you
cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale
Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you

are. Marilyn Monroe
Let every man be respected as an individual and no man

idolised. Albert Einstein
No one can make you feel inferior without your

permission. Eleanor Roosevelt
The worst loneliness is to be uncomfortable with yourself.

Mark Twain
I am only one, but Im one. I cannot do everything, but I

can do something. And because I cannot do everything, Ill
not refuse to do the something that I can do. Edward
Everett Hale
77
That which lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny
matters compared to what lies within us. Ralph Waldo
Emerson
It aint what they call you, its what you answer to.
W.C. Fields
To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.

Oscar Wilde
The best way to find yourself is to devote yourself to the

service of others. Mahatma Gandhi
Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that

no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.
Anon.
Try to be a rainbow in someones cloud. Maya Angelou
They cannot take away our self-respect if we don't give it

to them. Mahatma Gandhi
Whats the good of living if you dont try a few things?

Charles Schultz
All that I seek is already within me. Louise Hay
Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds

to be. Abraham Lincoln
You are your greatest asset. Warren Buffett
Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Oscar Wilde

78
There are always two voices sounding in your ears: The

voice of fear and the voice of confidence. One is the
clamour of the senses, the other is the whispering of the
higher self. Charles Newcomb
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you
can. Arthur Ashe
Experience tells you what to do; confidence allows you to

do it. Stan Smith
Identify the self-esteem quotes which resonate most with you.

Print them out (you can make them into fancy images too) and
place them around your home, where you will see them on a
regular basis.
Sometimes, our own words are not enough. We need to receive

the wisdom others to reinforce our new beliefs. Placing these
quotes around your home will do just that.
79
Lesson 14: Making Short And Long-Term Goals For Your
Life
Having a dream as to what you would like to do in life is common

to many, and dreams are a good thing. The difference between
those with a dream and those with goals is found in two words:
TALK and ACTION!
Dreamers love to talk about how they are going to do great

things or be someone wonderful and how the world would be
different when that happens. Perhaps you think that everything
will be better if you lose x amount of weight. Maybe you think
the world would be different if you get a higher paying job, a
better job, buy a home, or start a business. Dreams are great,
but a dream can become a nightmare if there is no
understanding about what you need to do to make the dream
become the reality.
The short-term goal might require attaining greater knowledge of

the subject matter you want to work with. This necessitates
talking with those in the area of ones interest, finding out what
they had to learn, finding out where and how they went about
learning. (on-the-job training or vocational training or going for a
college degree).
80
As you succeed in each short-term goal, affirm in your mind

those positive affirmations listed earlier. Share your short-term
goal only with your closest and most trusted friend. No need to
share it with all on Social Media!
There will be delays, setbacks, detours, and the journey upward

will not happen in the immediate future. The road is going to be
narrow. You may have to deny yourself some things you once
thought of as fun, because that fun can only be seen in the
minds eye. You may lose some old friends (for a while) but youll
acquire new ones. Stay humble, work, and yes, I must say it
you will acquire new friends! Stay inside that source of power
within, not outside of you. Keep persevering. Dont get uptight.
Enjoy every experience that life gives you!
81
Conclusion
This entire book has been and is about you. It has

comprehensively covered the fears and challenges you face in
order to achieve a healthy sense of self-esteem and self-
confidence. Thats a laudable effort, though not easy, and you
are to be applauded for it.
Many will not face such a challenge, because they are in denial.
Youre not. You know who you are and have a sense of who you
can become. Thats a heroic effort youre making, but you know
its worth it because you are worth it. This book discussed the
whys of how it came about that you feel such a lack of self-
esteem and crave for the esteem of others.
Youre learning how to accept all facets of yourself the positive

and negative. And still you find yourself a valuable asset for
yourself and for others. Youre learning how to cope with social
gatherings, and perhaps even enjoy them!
Techniques for doing so are elucidated here, and youll be able to

develop some of your own. In the above lessons are habits and
practices to develop that will boost your self-esteem.
Another thing to keep in mind, and perhaps look further into is

your shyness, which goes hand in hand with the concept of self-
esteem.
82
While not all shy people have low self-esteem, shyness is usually
seen as a symptom of fear or lack of self-confidence. When
you're shy, it usually means that you're self-conscious and
maybe even worried about what other people think about you.
Occasional shyness is normal, but when it becomes a habit, it
can be detrimental to your progress in life, work, and love.
Because of the connection between shyness and self-esteem,

building your self-esteem step by step can help you overcome
your shyness. A lot of the tactics and strategies outlined in this
course can also work to boost your self-esteem, whether you're
suffering from depression or you're just having a bad day.
Make it a point in your life to only recall good, happy, and

exciting memories. Whenever you're sitting down to think, make
sure that you actively call out happy memories. This is because
when you start thinking negatively, an entire swarm of negative
feelings and memories will come right at you.
Don't waste your time with negativity. Think only of the good
things you've experienced, the great people you've encountered,
and even entertaining stories that you may have also heard.
By conquering any feelings of low self-esteem, you'll realise that

you're deserving of love, admiration, and respect. When you
realise this, you'll also be able to conquer your shyness during
social situations.
83
The importance of exercise and the enjoyment of simple

distractions, and different exercises or strategies were and still
are highly recommended. This book, has concluded with some
affirmations and quotes to add some vitamins for the health of
your mind and body.
It only remains now for me to present you with this quotation by

John Blytheway: inch by inch, lifes a cinch. Yard by yard,
lifes hard.
84

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1

Unlock Your Self Esteem

Intro: What is Low Self Esteem and What Are Its

Do you know someone who has a low opinion of himself? Perhaps

Some people have an inflated image of their reality. Then there

Just What Is Low Self-Esteem?

The definition of low self-esteem is simple a feeling of

incapable." The beliefs get stronger, and the thought-pattern

You try to do everything perfectly

What you should understand is that, in many cases, low self-

This is good news, because learned behaviour can be changed by

Often an authority figure, parent or caregiver can negatively

What Exactly Are Some of the Consequences of Low Self-

Your level of self-belief is extremely important, and often directly

The consequences that arise from low self-esteem (LSE) do so

... feeling depressed, desperate and humiliated once again.

... others recognising their inabilities and inadequacies.

... losing what they already have, never being successful,

How can this dangerous and crippling incorrect self-opinion be

That person needs to be able to point out thoughts and self-

Recognising and Challenging Negative Thoughts and Beliefs

As we just mentioned, you need to be able to recognise LSE and

Recognising Negative Self Beliefs

Sometimes, people think so little of themselves that it is easy to

The following behaviours and actions are often present in

A person expresses an "always or never" belief system.

A person makes huge generalisations based on little

The above behaviours and actions are common to people that

Challenging Negative Thoughts

Once identified, harmful self-beliefs need to be challenged.

One way to challenge cognitive distortion is to write out a cheat-

If you catch yourself saying "I got lucky", remind yourself

If you missed getting that big promotion, and you find

If you catch yourself constantly seeing negatives, focus on

Are you constantly jumping to conclusions? A couple of

Remember, if you use words and phrases like "all of the

If you personalise everything, assuming personal

Challenging negative and incorrect self-belief is critical if you are

How to Identify Your Positive Qualities and Gain a More

Objective View of Yourself

You know how unhealthy a negative self-image can be. And

This means you need to begin to identify your positive qualities.

You can do this with a simple list. On a piece of paper, write

relationships, memorable occasions and events. If you find

Another way to identify your positive qualities is to study the

Now think about what types of behaviours you exhibit that

But that is exactly what they are! Another way to identify

Do not get too full of yourself, though. Remember, an abnormally

You can do that by stepping outside of your situation. Look at

Remember that human beings will make mistakes, you and

Finding honest friends is a great way to keep yourself grounded,

How Exercise and Activity Can Boost Your Confidence

What is this secret LSE-killer? Exercise, physical activity of any

Here's how it works.

How Can This Help You Defeat LSE?

The benefits of exercise deliver a self-confident boost in many

That means you need to get started today planning a regular

How Your Daily Activities Can Boost Self Esteem

As we just discussed, it is beneficial in many ways to add a

This means taking some time to figure out what activities,

Whatever work lifestyle you prefer, find a way to get more of it in

Do you enjoy collecting stamps, playing cards, working in your

Human beings enjoy certain hobbies and activities because of the

Learning to Be More Assertive