A novel by

Micol Ostow
Based on the screenplay by

Tina Fey
Scholastic Inc.
 Copyright 2017 Paramount Pictures. All Rights Reserved.

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ISBN 978-1-338-08756-7

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 17 18 19 20 21

Printed in the U.S.A. 23

First edition, September 2017

Book design by Suzanne LaGasa

Author photo by Jen Painter
 P RO LO G U E

The social hierarchy among common African jungle

animals represents the established order in a group as
it correlates to basic survival factors such as: position
on the natural food chain, access to resources, and the
ability to thrive even under highly unfavorableenviron-
mental conditions. One of the advantages of a social
hierarchy is the maintenance of social order under the
most dominant, or alpha, creatures. These hierarchies
have been observed equally among mammals, birds,
and fish, and can lead to aggressive behavior in the
event that the alpha creatures status is threatened.

Excerpted from Heron, Betsy, PhD.

Animal Hierarchies on the Savanna.
The Journal of Wilderness Behaviors 4 (2001): 1422.
It is the policy of the Administration of North Shore
High School that students should not be subjected to
forms of bullying, harassment, hazing, or discrimina-
tion while at school or school-sponsored activities. The
responsibility for effective prevention and response to
acts of bullying lies within a collaborative effort of
administrators, teachers, school staff, parents, and
above all, students. You are encouraged to submit any
complaints of discrimination, hazing, harassment, or
bullying to the school principal.*

*(Complaints or reports may be made anonymously.)

Excerpted from the

North Shore High School Student Handbook
 CHAPTER ELEVEN

REGINA

I almost couldnt believe it when Gretchen really did go to

Chriss party dressed as a cat. She pretended like she thought I
was complimenting her when I called her out on being catty,
but I know she totally got what I was saying. She mustve
decided to own it, I guess, which was sweet but a little bit sad,
which actually makes perfect sense, when you think about
itwe are talking about Gretchen here.
I get it, though: Even though her face is... whatever, she
has a hot body. And Halloween is the one night a year that a
girl can dress almost butt naked and none of the other girls
can say anything about it. Like how I was wearing basically
just lingerie with my bunny ears.
I cant blame my best friends for always trying to copy me.
We showed up fashionably late, when things were in full
swing: guys in togas cheering as two freshman girls (wear-
ing bras and animal ears, obvs) hovered on the brink of
kissing (please, amateur hour), some serious grinding on
the makeshift dance floor, lots of red Solo cups getting

85
sloshed around, dripping all over Chriss moms wall-to-wall
carpeting.
I did a lap of the house while Gretchen and Karen hung
bythe fireplace. Even though it was loud, it was easy to figure
out what they were talking about: Their body language said,
Boys, and specifically, Gretchens wide-eyed, desperate scan of
the room (seriously, her head was going to pop off her neck if
she swiveled it back and forth any farther) said, Wheres Jason?
Ugh, that girl never learns.
Then Karen said something that made Gretchen pat her
arm pityingly, and thenholy crap!they were interrupted
by a big, fugly cloud of white that made them both recoil and
shudder.
When the cloud turned around, I realized why:
It was Cady, draped in an enormous pouf of white taffeta
with a freaking veil on her head, a crazy black wig, insane
false teeth, and spatters of rust-red blood all across the
stomach.
What the hell was that costume? Did they not have
Halloween in Africa? Why was she dressed so scary?
She spoke to Gretchen and Karen for a minute or two, but
then a lanky figure in a football uniform ducked over to her.

86
 It took me a minute to realize . . . it was Aaron. And
evenfrom where I stood across the room, I could see the way
his eyes were crinkling as he gazed at Cady, insane costume
and all.
What. The. Eff?
This was not happening. When I offered to talk to Aaron
for Cady, I was only half-serious. I mean, I assumed he was
still hung up on me, anyway. I wasnt counting on his eyes
being... crinkly like that. This changed things.
Aaron said something to Cady, and then nodded, moving
away and toward the kitchen. He mustve offered to get her a
drink. That was so Aarona total gentleman.
My total gentleman.
I mean, I know I promised her Id talk to him, but these
were extenuating circumstances. He looked super hot in his
costume, after all. And a super-hot guy being all chivalrous...
well, Aaron deserved the best: me.
I maneuvered to the kitchen as gracefully as I could. By
which I mean: I planted myself directly in Aarons path,
stumbling a little as I came into contact with the tight muscles
of his chest as though it were an accident that we bumped into
each other.

87
 (Like I do accidents.)
He scanned me closely; even through that guarded, post
break-up facade, I could tell he liked what he saw.
Aw, he said, mock-disappointed. Didnt anyone tell
you? Youre supposed to wear a costume.
I gave him my best sly grin. Shut up. I need to talk to
you.You know that girl Cady?
At her name, his eyes crinkled again. Seriously? Yeah,
shes cool. I invited her tonight.
Okay, this was worse than I thought. Well, just be care-
ful, I said playfully, because she has a huge crush on you.
Really? How do you know? He didnt look like he
minded that at all. I wanted to vomit, but I kept the playful
smile on my face.
She told me, I said. She tells everybody. Its cute actu-
ally. Shes like a little girl. She, like, writes all over her
notebook: Mrs. Aaron Samuels.
But he still looked more amused than grossed out. I had
toamp it up. She made a T-shirt that says I Heart Aaron,
andshe wears it under her clothes.
He made a doubtful face. Come on.
I bit my lip. I dont blame her. You are gorgeous. I gave
him my meaningful eyes, the ones I knew worked almost

88
aswell as a Halloween bunny costume. And, okay, Im not
saying shes a stalker, but she saved this old Kleenex you used,
and she said shes gonna do some kind of African voodoo with
it to make you like her.
He tilted his head, looking put off. What?
We both turned and glanced back at Cady. Thank god
she was in that hideous costumeit made my work 12,000
percent easier. When she saw us looking at her, she gave a
huge grin and waved wildly. With those teeth and that hair
and... everything, she looked totally psychotic.
Time to go in for the kill.
I reached out to Aaron, grabbing at his wrist delicately. I
pulled him to me and whispered into his ear. I know shes
kind of super weird, but shes my friend. So just promise me
you wont make fun of her? My lips brushed against his ear,
and even in my get it done mode, it was pretty hot.
Of course Im not going to make fun of her, Aaron said.
God, he was so sweet. I grabbed him and kissed him hard.
He kissed me back for a minuteit was amazingbut
then he pulled away. What are you doing? he asked, eyes
flashing. You broke up with me.
Thats crazy, I told him. Why would I break up with
you? Youre so hot. I leaned in and kissed him again.

89
 And this time, he didnt pull back.
For a minute, I lost myself in it. But then I peeled open one
eye and peeked over his shoulderjust in time to see Cadys
face crumple as she whirled around and ran toward the door.
I mean, if I didnt teach her, how would she ever learn?

90
 C H A P T E R T W ELV E

JA N IS

I know the typical high-school observance of Halloween

involves some unholy combination of dry ice, party jams, and
costumes made of animal ears and straight-up lingerie, but
Damian and I have our own traditions. It will surprise no one
to learn that we avoid the girls-gone-wild parties (I mean,
wed avoid them if we were invited... but I assure you, we
care not one iota that we werent). Instead we hole up in
mygarage, which over the years Ive converted into the per-
fect den of avoidance. Damian originally wanted to call it a
judgment-free zone, until I pointed out that all we do is sit
around judging other people, at which point, he decided to
work on the wording for our official mission statement so its
clear that we can judge, but we cant be judged.
When my parents redid the family room last year they
letme take the old couch, so weve got that, and a TV thats
geriatric but still works, and weve got classic black-and-
white horror movies on in the background and popcorn
with parmesan cheese, so screw costume parties of the

91
youngand fabulous: This is what Halloween should always be
about.
From his side of the couch, Damian prodded me with
afoot.
What? I threw some major side-eye at his striped wool
sock and he retreated.
He looked at me, eyes wide and earnest. Its just... He
glanced away.
Whys he being such a freak? What, Damian?
He gave a drama-queen sigh. Dont you sometimes
wish... I mean...
I made a spit-it-out gesture.
His eyes welled up and suddenly I worried that something
was actually wrong and I managed to miss it.
Did you ever wonder what it would be like to go to
thatbig Halloween party with the Plastics, and the other cool
kidseveryone?
Um, no. What? Are you crying?
You know... all the awesome people?
Damian batted his eyelashes and cracked up, breaking
character. He snorted popcorn through his nosegrossand
I realized that hed been messing with me all along.
I leaned over and slapped him. Lame! God.

92
 He shrugged, very pleased with himself. You bought
it for a minute at least. You were, like, worried about my
feelings and stuff! He wiped a fake tear from his eye. It
was very touching, Janis Ian. You, my dear, are a true
humanitarian.
Before I had a chance to respond, the door to the garage
burst open. On the TV, a storm raged and a monster roared.
Damian screamed and grabbed me and, embarrassingly, I
screamed, too.
It was Caddy, dressed like a horror show. I HATE HER!
she shouted.
When my heart went back to beating normally again, I
gave her a look. What in Gods name are you wearing?
She waved her hand across her torso. Im an ex-wife.
Shetook a moment to look pleased with herself for coming
upwith that one, even though it definitely didnt conform to
your typical bubble-brain high-school chicklette Halloween
uniform.
Damian chuckled at that, a little more relaxed. Cute.
Almost as cute as scaring poor Damian half to death, I
said, patting his head. Who do you hate? Were you with the
Plastics?
Caddys face went into fifteen different expressions at

93
once. Finally it just crumpled, freckles melting together as
she began to sob. She took him back. Then, more softly:
Regina took Aaron back.
I stood. Oh no, Caddy.
Caddy swallowed. She lied to me! Why would she do
that?
Because shes a life-ruiner, I explained calmly. She ruins
peoples lives.
Damian nodded. When we were thirteen, she made
people sign this petition saying Janis was
Damian! Please. That was so beside the point. I was
f uriousmostly on Caddys behalf, of course. Look, shes not
gonna get away with this again, I decided. Were gonna do
something.
Caddy blinked her tears away and looked at me through
her smeared ex-wife emo eyeliner. We are?
It doesnt matter what Regina did or didnt do to me. Now
shed dragged Bambi into it. We are.

Damians little anecdote may have been beside the point, but
also, it made me more convinced than ever that Regina is a
fascist psychopath who must be stopped.

94
 Oh, I remember that petition. Of course I do. And I remem-
ber a Halloween before the petition, too.
I assumed we were all too old to be dressing up in cos-
tumes for school, but Regina insisted...
I dont know why I let her trick me. Im nobodys sucker.
But I guess I just...
Whatever. I wasnt ready to see her as the scum-sucking
virus that she really is.
So when she told me we were all going to dress upit
would be a group thing; we were gonna be goddesses; and if
anything sounded like something Regina would think up, it
would be dressing as a friggin goddess for Halloweenwhen
she told me that, I bought it. She was going to be Aphrodite,
goddess of love, of course. And I made my stupid costume
Artemis, goddess of the hunt.
And I came to school in a freaking toga. Carrying a bow and
arrow.
Turns out, we were too old to dress up, seeing as the rest of
the group came to school in their regular hot-girl wear. I, onthe
other hand, walked around in a bedsheet with my underwear
hanging out all morning while people pointed and laughed,
and, in some cases, threw wet toilet paper wads at me in the

95
hallway. But on top of that fantastic humiliation, someone
(i.e., Regina) told the principal that Id threatened to hurt her
with my weapons (a coat hanger artistically reappropriated
with some crepe paper and some semi-sharpened dowels). I got
an in-school suspension and my parents got all worried that I
was troubled like some straight-to-cable movie.
It was, as Regina would say, awesome.
So, yeah, you can see why I was totally ready to take
Regina down.
Damian was with me. He dug up an old chalkboard and
got ready to take down bullet points while I spoke.
Regina George is an evil dictator, I said, squaring my
shoulders as if I were an army general. And how do you over-
throw a dictator? You cut off her resources.
Caddy nodded, looking slightly confused but very
intrigued.
Behind me, Damian scribbled on the chalkboard.

Aaron Samuels

Hot Body

Army of Skanks

96
 I pointed to each of the bullets. Regina George would be
nothing without her high-status man candy, her technically
good physique, and her ignorant band of loyal followers.
When I thought about it, it was so simple. I couldnt believe
I hadnt seen how straightforward it was before now.
Maybe I just needed Caddy. Maybe all this time, Damian
and I were waiting for her to arrive and help us liberate North
Shore High from Regina Georges tyrannical rule.
I turned to her now, serious as a cheerleader contemplat-
ing her first pregnancy test. Caddy, if we want this to work,
youre gonna have to keep hanging out with them like noth-
ings wrong.
Caddy nodded, equally grave. I can do it, she said.
Okay. I grinned. Lets rock this bitch.
It was so on.

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