Welcome to McMusic Corporation

Ian Shanahan: unpublished writing, January 1994.

Sick of innovation and risk in music? Tired of seriousness, rich content, elaborate structure, and
profundity? Fed up with concentrated listening? Then try the easy-hearing entertainment of McMusic!
Designed for painless absorption by the McMasses, popularity and widespread appeal is the name of our
game. We never confront or offend. We never challenge the ignorance or complacency of any audience.
We like to keep it simple, nostalgic, and light. So light in fact that every McMusic product is 100%
vacuous: they all have zero musical calories, so audiences are never burdened with added intellectual
weight. Our mindless confectionery is also politically correct and environmentally friendly. Everything at
McMusic is recycled even energy from our powerhouse, which is fuelled by methane extracted from a
vast reservoir of dung. And our primary ingredients consist of scraps and offcuts (some of them many
decades old) rescued from the garbage bins of Modern and Traditional Musical Works, purveyors of high-
grade Western composition. So youll find nothing original or highbrow at McMusic Corporation, only
mass appeal through artistic compromise. To us, rare musical quality is a curse. Why? Because McMusic
Corporation has wholeheartedly embraced the postmodernist aesthetics of economic rationalism: in the
performing arts, we alone rose up to meet the quantitative challenges posed by rampant consumerist
capitalism and burgeoning bureaucracy during the 1980s and 90s. Designed to meet the most stringent
demands of the least discerning corporate warrior, New Age guru, greenie, yuppie, or arts bureaucrat, our
ubiquitous non-nutritional blends of nostalgia and blandness are certain to generate big bucks.

Important Note: Vicious rumours being circulated by our detractors, that excessive intake of
McMusic products may heighten cultural toxicity and prevent reception of genuine musical cuisine,
are thoroughly false. (We attribute such scurrilous innuendo to jealousy at our pecuniary success.)

Anyway ... now to some of our new products:

McRhumba Thickshake

Based on an exotic aroma smuggled out of darkest Cuba, but processed and refined over and over again
in our sophisticated studios at Hollywood and suburban Adelaide (to remove any trace of spice, bounce,
or other foreign content that might cause offence), the McRhumba Thickshake is the ultimate in trashy
McMusical entertainment: utterly undifferentiated and smooth; a mysterious turgid mass of glutinous
gluggy orchestration with meaningless accents peppered evenly throughout. The McRhumba Thickshake is
so tasteless, bland and event-free you wont even know youve listened to it! Real easy-hearing kitsch!

Warning! Do not consume a McRhumba Thickshake in one sitting: irreversible catalepsy could
result. Alternatively, the thick may shake (geddit?).

GoreckiBurger

The extraordinarily popular GoreckiBurger is comprised almost entirely of ersatz Polish sausage
(almond-based), with dark chunks of brass and lengthy pieces of string thrown in for additional flavour.
Replacing the McPrt Patty (which was criticized for its overt spiritual content), we challenge our
customers to find any content sacred or otherwise in our perfectly bland GoreckiBurger pap. Trimmed
of all musical fat and substance, we claim that the GoreckiBurger is completely message-free. Enjoy!

Warning! Beware of Antipodean imitations of the GoreckiBurger: they simply do not measure up.

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McPommygranite

Our genetically-altered fruit, grown originally in sunny southern Queensland, the McPommygranite is
an offshoot of the traditional pomegranate but without any hard core of seeds, only a soft mushy centre.
Its musical odour is strongly reminiscent of various minor British figures from the 1920s and 30s, but
without the slightest trace of their ideas or fibre. Possessing an allegedly brilliant orchestration,
McPommygranite cocktails rely heavily upon the old recipe books of Gordon Jacob, William Lovelock,
and Cecil Forsyth. Nevertheless, any sense of musical significance imparted by a McPommygranite is
illusory, we assure you!

McMinimal Tonic-On-The-Rocks

100% fizz, guaranteed! And sure to leave absolutely no after-taste. Youll forget it almost immediately!
Some people claim that the McMinimal Tonic-On-The-Rocks repeats on them, but that has not been our
experience ... only bliss!

Warning! One of our McMinimal Tonic-On-The-Rocks flavours has even been known to transport
the unwary customer to Alices Wonderland, where Middle-American celestial choirs endlessly
croon barber-shop quartet pastiches, in close harmony, to an accompaniment of plastic computer
sounds. Sheer Heaven!

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So where do you find us?

McMusic Corporation has a virtual monopoly on ABC Classic FM Radio. And the Symphony Australia
orchestras on those odd occasions when they dare to perform music written this century, let alone some
Australian composition these days rarely play anything but our light McMusical concoctions. Moreover,
we receive almost all of our funding straight from the Federal Government, thanks (we believe) to some
unauthorized, top-secret deals made by our longstanding network of friends at the Australia Council for the
Arts. So, you see, our rle in the dumbing-down of Australia could be said to be officially sanctioned!
Also, for that added touch of respectability, most but alas, not yet all of our McMusical cooks are
employed full-time within various tertiary Music Departments and Conservatoria right across Australia.

So invest in McMusic: the future profit will be truly amazing!

And remember...

McMusic Corporation: where we do it light for you!

Nancy R Broad,

Chairperson-of-the-Board,
McMusic Corporation (Australasian Division).

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