V ol ume 48B | I ssue 7 | Th urs, 8/ 3/ 17

COV ER STORY:
Th e Total l y Hi stori cal l y A ccurate
Hi story of CRCA P
By Empress, Ph araoh , Warl ord, General , Queen, Grand
M agi strate, CEO and Hi gh Pri estess of
Ra/ Cth ul h u/ Wal k er, Rox anne Gl assenberg

Heya, kids! It?s tim e for stor y hour w ith Ranger Roxanne! And w ho doesn't love histor y? I cer tainly
know quite a bit about it and I w ill be shar ing som e super tr ue and totes r eal facts about the histor y of
cam p w ith you today. So let?s hop on our m agical tim e-tr aveling jeep, and get a blast fr om the
CRCAPast.

97,983 BCE ? Fir st Recor ded CRCAP Session. The only classes offer ed w er e ?Rock Sm ashing?, ?Cave
Painting?, ?Cr ude Hide Weaving? and ?Soapstone?, and ?The Gr unting and Scr atching Double?. (The
nam e w as changed to the ?Daily Double? som etim e betw een 85,400 BCE and 63370 BCE). For lunch,
hunks of r aw m eat w er e ser ved w ith pasta m am m oth-inar a.

3300 BCE ? We?ve skipped a lot of tim e, but CRCAP is still going str ong. W ith the advent of br onze, new
classes like ?Check Out This M etal Thing, it Kinda Looks Like a Duck? ar e added to the r oster , and w ar
gam es ar e added to the list of Festival offer ings.

2530 BCE ? The capstone is placed on the Old Building, w hich w as or iginally a pyr am id. The m um my
inside? Walker , w r apped in linen str ips w ith pencils, shar pies, and an em pty hedgehog-pencil holder
hidden in the w r aps. The tr easur es of King Ander son-hotep included a car touche w ith a bad pun on it,
and an ushabti shaped like M addie. W hen the pyr am id w as distur bed so a class could pr actice a song,
a spectr al figur e bar ing a str iking r esem blance to Ranger Roxanne r ose fr om the sar cophagus and
cur sed the onlooker s. Luckily, ?Scr aping Pictur es in Clay-Jour nalism ? w as ther e to docum ent the
cam per s being cover ed in lar ge, blue bolism , w hich w er e r evealed to actually be a r ar e kind of beetle.

1678 BCE ? Ham m ur abi having invented a code of law s, r ules ar e instituted at CRCAP. Pr ior to this,
cam per s could sim ply steal a counselor ?s char iot and r ide dow n to Isabella?s, w hich at the tim e sold
only gr uel and pieces of fr uit. Ar chaeologists tell us that this w as also w hen the fir st cow bell w as
br ought to cam p, and shar ds of said bell have been discover ed on cam pus. It seem s that this bell w as
less a cow bell and m or e a m egaphone, and that instead of r inging a cow bell, a tow n cr ier (usually
Cooper ) w ould yell, ?Ding! Ding!? thr ough the m egaphone until cam per s w ent to class.

522 BCE ? Ah, the Classical Per iod! A gr eat tim e for CRCAP! M ar ble sculpting classes w er e intr oduced
ar ound this tim e (since elim inated because of that incident w her e that one kid had a tw o-ton block of
m ar ble fall on him ), and a tem ple to ancient Gr eek god of cr afts, Cr eativita, w as built w her e the m ini
tent is today. How ever , it w asn?t all dem ocr acy and giant vases for ancient Gr eek CRCAP: Aar on insisted
on dr am atically posing for a statue to be er ected in fr ont of the Activity Center w ear ing nothing but a
sor t of loincloth, w hich w as aw kw ar d for ever yone.

98 BCE ? W ith the com ing of the Rom an Em pir e cam e a new -and-im pr oved CRCAP. Em per or Aar on
instituted a shor t-lived ?Festival Per iod Bathing? pr ogr am , w hich w as, as afor em entioned, shor t-lived
do to a lack of space/funds/per fum ed m iner al w ater. War gam es w er e a popular Festival offer ing, and
m ilitar y tr aining becam e a class (today it is called ?Acapella?). Caesar 's assassination w as actually
chor eogr aphed by som e cam per s, but their or iginal dr aft involved a lot m or e jazz hands, so it w as
scr apped. This w as tr uly the glor y age of CRCAP.

Continued on next page

236 CE ? The holy Rom an Em pir e has ar r ived! This
begins a dar k tim e for CRCAP. Because cam p
r efused to yield to the r ule of the later Rom an
Em per or s (at this tim e, cam p w as located in m oder n
day Spain) and chose to instead just w or k on their
ow n cr eative oper ates, m any of the cam per s and
counselor s w er e per secuted. By about 300 CE,
CRCAP had near ly died out and w as for ced to go
under gr ound. Liter ally. All that r em ained of cam p
w as m oved to the old hostage cor ner , a little alcove
in the basem ent of the m ar ble-and-colum ned old
Old Building. Ar ts w er e done on a sm aller scale, as
m ater ials becam e scar ce (they w er e under gr ound).
Land of the Giants, w hich w as cr eated in 105 CE,
becam e Land of the Really, Really, Really, Really
Shor t People for like tw o centur ies.
Rox an n e: An Appr eci at i on
By Ruby Eller in
We all r ead the Daily Double for Roxanne. So
m e and my pet Alison cr eated a P.O. box for
her fan m ail. If you have any fan m ail or
Roxanne-r elated things, put it in the cool
pocket thing! Roxanne (and all of her
ter r ifying glor y) said a fan account w ould be
better ? but, baby steps. Help Roxanne gr ow
her fan base.

630 CE ? The r ecor d for longest Daily Double,

w hich is still not appr oached to this day, w as set
now. This Daily Double w as 22 pages long. Oddly
enough, the r ecor d for lar gest Daily Double
m asthead, 18 pages, w as also set then.

1378 CE ? The M iddle Ages saw CRCAP consum ed

by the Black Plague. M any gr eat people w er e dear ly
affected by this hor r ible epidem ic. Bar r ett dr essed
up as a plague doctor and tr ied to cur e Bekah by
shoving gar lic into her ear s. Bekah im m ediately
expir ed, and the Bekah w e know and love today is
naught but a ghost of M iddle Ages Bekah, w hich
explained w hy the spectr al dance-depar tm ent head
only speaks in Olde English. Also, Sim enesh and
Sim r et?s thir d sister , Sim ana, w as killed, and w e do
not speak of her.
1492 CE ? CRCAP com es to the new w or ld on their
ow n ships, the TINA, the Patter n, and the Santa
Adr ianna! They im m ediately set up cam p on the
r olling ocean-shor es of Dover , w her e cam p r em ains
to this ver y day. Fun Fact: The M iddle Building is
actually built out of the r em ains of the Santa
Adr ianna, and it is the oldest cam pus building.
Debu n k i n g Th eor i es: ?Pah k t h a Cah i n
Hahvah d Yah d?
By AnoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)
Ladies and gentlem en, today I w ill be
debunking the age-old myth of Bostonians
par king their car s on Har var d yar d. Or as
m ost people say, ?Pahk tha cah in hahvahd
yahd?. Fir st off, it?s a yar d, so you can't par k
on it, and secondly, if you did par k on
Har var d yar d, you w ould pr obably be tow ed
aw ay because it?s school gr ounds. And no
one says it w ithout r ?s, that's just plain silly.
That?s like ever y Texann saying ?Yee-haw ? at
the beginning of each sentence. And that?s
another theor y debunked.

1689 ? Let?s go and visit the ver y fir st CRCAP

Festival Day! Ooh, looks like it?s squash and beans
for lunch ? again. And oh, look! The br and new
Tent Stage! So m any cool bands ar e playing under
it? M ar k, and his Glockenspiel Wor kshop, that
cam p favor ite W hittled Flute Collective, and my
per sonal favor ite, the Hum m ing and Sw aying
Rem ix M achine. And it seem s like Land of the
Giants has m ade a giant pile of hor se dung, a huge
yoke, and a saber for us all to adm ir e! W hat fun!

Continued on next page

1776 ? New Yor k City! Par don m e, ar e you Aar on I n t er n et Scaven ger Hu n t !
Bur r , sir ? That depends, w ho?s asking? Oh sur e, By Ryan
sir ? Um m m , I m ean, uhh ? in 1776, CRCAP CITs
cr eated their ow n m ilitia and fought in the battle of
Hello and w elcom e to the scavenger hunt!
Lexington and Concor d. Sadly, m ost of them died
In or der to finish r eading this ar ticle, you
because they w er e easy tar gets, w hat w ith their
have to follow the clues and get to the end.
extr avagant costum es, confetti cannons, calls of
Your fir st clue is to go to this w ebsite:
?Let?s all just talk it out,? and the fact that they had
https://goo.gl/uU4uRW
no w eapons, just paper m ache pineapples, and that
Good luck!
they had no hor ses, just the gir affe-asaur us

1853 ? CRCAP, because it alw ays had been

accepting of all r aces and cultur es, faced m uch
per secution fr om other ar ts cam p dur ing the er a of
slaver y and thr oughout the Civil War. It w as also
ar ound this tim e that such w onder ful classes like
?Black Sm ithing?, ?Silver Sm ithing/W ir e Jew elr y?,
?Daniscal?, and ?Bonnet Stitching for Beginner s?
w er e cr eated.

1945 ? CRCAP w as m uch sm aller that sum m er

because m any m ale counselor s had been dr afted.
In fact, sum m er ?45 w as know n as the ?Gir ls just
w anna m ake ar t? sum m er because all the m ale
staff m em ber s (except for Aar on, because he
claim ed that ever yone at cam p w er e his childr en
and he ?had so m any little m ouths to feed?) had
been dr afted. One Hit Wonder w as absor bed into
Gir l Band because all the songs w er e w r itten by
gir ls, anyw ays. As par t of the w ar effor t.

2012 ? The best year of cam p ever , hands dow n, Poem s

because it w as my fir st year at cam p. By Zach Levine

3046 ? Supr em e Galactic Over Lor d Angelique and G abe I can be m ad

her Cow er ing Advisor , Por k, ar e finally disposed A nd sad
after their centur ies-long r eign by a gr oup of TOTA B ecause of you
students w ho w er e sick of their ir on-fisted contr ol E xcited too.
of cam p/the univer se. An inter -species dem ocr acy
w ill be instituted, w ith M ojo and Olive leading it The gr and unified theor y
and the TOTA kids keeping the dogs?attention on The answ er
im por tant issues and not on ham bur ger s. To know that sm allest unit
space, tim e, ever ything,
Definitely not Bing
5,000,002,017 ? The sun uses up all its ener gy and
Yay! I found the answ er
blow s up, extinguishing life on ear th. Luckily, by
then cam p has m igr ated to outside of the solar
Technology
system on a r ocket fueled by pasta alfr edo. Long
Enter taining
live CRCAP!
Chickens
Hacking
Aaannnnd that?s all for today! Ranger Roxanne sur e No
hopes you enjoyed our jaunt thr ough the histor y of One
cam p! All of the above facts ar e Ver ified Tr ue(? ). Likes
Histor y: no longer a myster y! And please, spay and Optical
neuter your pets! Gr affiti?
Yaay?
Th e I n t er n at i on al M LB New s
By Cole Tom etsko
Welcom e to the Inter national M LB New s, the
one place for ever yday baseball new s. Red
Sox r ained out last night in a gam e that they
w ould have played the Cleveland Indians,
but it w ill be r escheduled for August 14th.
Also, Giancar lo Stanton sealed a 7-0 victor y
in the ninth inning as he r obbed a hom e r un
fr om Br ian Goodw in to give the M ar lins the
shutout. M ike Tr out hit his 20th hom er of the
season to give the Angels the w in. And, in a
Dodger s loss to the Br aves, Cody Bellinger hit
his 30th hom e r un, becom ing only the 10th
National League Rookie in histor y to
accom plish that feat.
M i sadven t u r es of a Du m b Pu bescen t
By Peter Tr avis
In this ar ticle of the M isadventur es of
a Dum b Pubescent, I?m going to tell you the
w onder that is called Inter net Ar cade. Hoo
boy, I?m getting geekier by the day.
On ar chive.com , you can look up over
600 ar cade gam es r eady to played. This
includes gam es like Tr on, M ar io Br os,
Q* ber t, and m any m or e. At your finger tips
ar e the gr eat classics that 80s kids know and
love.
As for myself, as a pubescent that
didn?t gr ow up in the 80s, and now w ith all
the ar cades that didn?t give out cheap knick
knacks that you eventually thr ow aw ay, I can
say that the ar cade gam es of the past ar e
fr ankly m uch better than Cr ossy Road: The
Ar cade Gam e. We can only hope that a
r enaissance of classic gam es r estor es the
balance in the for - Okay, I?m getting too
ner dy.
So if you w ant to check these gam es
out, go ahead! I have a list of som e gam es
that you should tr y.
1. Joust. You joust w ith bir ds. Enough said.
2. Tr on. A loose r etelling of the m ovie.
3. Discs of Tr on. Now w ith 10x m or e discs,
and -10x less stor y! W hat a value!
4. Robotr on 2084. Robots tr y and take over
the w or ld. They?ll pr obably succeed.
5. M ar io Br os. How obvious.
I?m done r am bling about how ar cades
ar e aw esom e. The next ar ticle you?ll r ead
w ill be better than this ar ticle.
Next episode: I dunno.
Heal t hy Lu n ch an d Sn ack I deas f or Sch ool
By Kalie
Her e ar e som e healthy snack and lunch ideas for
back to school. They?r e easy to m ake and fun to eat.
Snacks: Car r ot sticks, fr esh fr uit, popcor n (not
m icr ow ave popcor n), cheese and cr acker s, or a
gr anola bar.
Lunch: Basil Pesto Pizza: Pr eheat oven to 400o.
Slice a baguette hor izontally and spr ead your pesto
on the baguette. Then spr inkle cheese on the pizza.
Cut som e tom atoes in half and put them on the
pizza. Cook for 4-8 m inutes (or until cheese is
m elted). Now you?r e done!
Pasta Salad: Cook pasta fr om a box (follow cooking
dir ections). Let pasta cool dow n. Once pasta has
cooled, in a bow l add your pasta, olive oil, basil
pesto, chopped tom atoes, and cheese. M ix. Now
r efr iger ate for next day.
I hope you enjoyed these fun and easy healthy
r ecipes for school. Bye!
W hy ar e Dogs Cal l ed M an ?s Best Fr i en d?
By Sar ah
W hy ar e dogs called a m an?s best fr iend
w hen they love all people? M y dogs ar e my best
fr iends, and I am not a m an. Dogs love all, and I
love dogs.
W hat is better , having a dog, having a cat,
having a hor se, having a bir d, having som e sor t of
r eptile or having m ultiple pets?
Fun Fact! - M ost dogs chase cats because
they w ant to play w ith them , not because they
don?t like them . Did you ever notice that the noise
a cat m akes is high pitched? A dog?s sign of play is
high pitched noises. Also, chase is a gam e to dogs
so they think the cat is playing.
ASK LI NK!
By Lita And Link . (but m ostly Link . Lita just
tr anslates.)
Today, w e got SOOO m any questions, that w e could
m ake a w hole daily double out of our ar ticle, so if your
question is not her e today, w e pr om ise w e w ill put it
in! Rem em ber to w r ite neatly because if w e can't r ead
your handw r iting your question w ill not be published.
We also com bined som e of the questions to fit in as
m any as w e could today! We appr eciate you! Thank
you so m uch! Love, Lita and Link
Should I play The Legend Of Zelda? And why do you like
Zelda?? W hy haven't I heard of you?
YES YES YES! You should play Zelda! And I like Zelda
because she?s pr etty and super nice, and she laughs at
ALL of my jokes. But she fr iend-zoned m e? and you
haven't hear d of m e because you don't play good video
gam es? Hehehe JK.
Help me get A GIRLFRIEND!!! / what do I do if I?m single
on valentines day?
Well, if you have a cr ush on a gir l, ask her to go to an
event w ith you. Or invite her to a school dance. Then
tell her she?s pr etty, and how you love her per sonality.
(gir ls love that) then ask her out. For V-day, give her
r oses, or leave them in her locker , and confess your
love to her.
NOTICE M E LINKY SENPAI OR I W ILL KILL YOU!!!!!!
I've gotten this question a lot lately. But have been
avoiding it. But I guess I have to answ er. I can be your
fr iend, but I?m not ver y fond of death thr eats. I'm m or e
inter ested in pr incess Zelda.
I Love you
Aw , that's sw eet. * blow s a kiss* Wuv you too
Cam p Bu ck et Li st !
By Br ian Taliano
Unfor tunately, it is my last year at this
w onder ful cam p, so I thought I w ould put
together a nice list of things that you should
do befor e leaving CRCAP.
1. Tr y all the food. Deli bar , salad bar , hot
m eal, ever ything. It?s your last chance.
2. Take classes you haven?t taken befor e.
Sw itch up your schedule and tr y som e new
things.
3. Wr ite an ar ticle for the Daily Double.
Anything you w ant.
4. Get to know a CIT because they?r e all
gr eat.
5. Par ticipate in a Noontim e Show. Even if
it?s som ething com pletely m eaningless like
r unning ar ound onstage and scr eam ing.
6. Steal the cow bell fr om Aar on and r un
ar ound cam pus r inging it as loud as you
can. (Just kidding. M aybe.)
7. Do Pr oduction. You m ay find you enjoy it.
8. Hack into Walker ?s laptop and change his
w allpaper to a lar ge high-definition pictur e
of a gr een car toon llam a.
9. Get Har r ison to teach you how to hack so
you can do the above.
10. Tr y out a m edia class (like
M ockum entar y or Sum m er Shor ts).
11. Play an instr um ent in one of the bands.
Or , lear n a new instr um ent.
12. Hang out w ith Olive the dog at festival
per iod.
13. Cr y w hen cam p ends.
14. Give all your fr iends com plim ents often.
These ar e fr iends you?ll w ant to keep for life.

All my friends don't like me anymore how do I get at least 1 person to like me?
I?ll be your fr iend! Lita w ill be too! You can sit w ith us tom or r ow at lunch. Look for a gir l w ith blue
hair sitting at one of the tables near the car line ar ea okay? (anyone is w elcom e to join)

Can you write poems?

Roses ar e r ed, violets ar e blue, yes I can w r ite poem s, how about you?

Hi there, what do I do if I?m addicted to cheez doodles?/ what's your favorite kind of bean?? Is there pizza
in Hyrule?
Cheese doodles ar e super good? M y advice w ould to be stop buying them for a w hile. And my favor ite
kind of beans ar e m agic beans! And HECK yeah ther e's pizza in Hyr ule!

How does it feel to die?

Annoying, depr essing, painful, exhausting, fr ustr ating, sad, and som etim es funny (sadly)

I want facial hair, how do I get some.

Tim e w ill do the tr ick .
Th e M yst er y of t h e Fi sh er m an ?s Con spi r acy Acr ost i c Poem s! ! ! !
By Jacob Rast By Zach Levine

Rodr igo Bass is a m an w ho has am assed a for tune fr om his Adr ianna,
infor m ative sem inar s on fishing-r elated topics fr om casting lur es Do you like
to differ entiating betw een var ieties of koi. It is a w ell-know n fact Ram en noodles,
to his fans that he pr actices new speeches for m onths in advance I do.
in his pr ivate study. Know ing full w ell that, if leaked, his speeches And you?
could be used by a r ival. M r. Bass has becom e som ething of a No, I do
par anoiac about people bugging his study, and as such allow s Not,
none of his staff into the r oom , occasionally cleaning it him self At all.
and im plem enting a finger pr int lock at all tim es. Having gone
w ithout incident for a full decade, M r. Bass has decided to finally Sim psons
allow thr ee lucky fans into his study for an exclusive tour In
thr ough a w ell-adver tized contest. Still not being com pletely M oes, longest r unning
tr usting, M r. Bass placed a secur ity cam er a to sur vey the r oom Pr im etim e tv
and its occupants for this special occasion. Weeks later , r ival Show
com pany Salm on Inc. r eleased a book entitled Hook, Line, and On, I m ean in the w or ld.
Sinker : How to Pick Out the Per fect Bait for the Per fect Fish. A Napkins and the
fur ious M r. Bass has hir ed you, a pr oven detective, to investigate Sim psons.
the case on the claim that the book contains ideas and advice
fr om his speech, but he w ill not be able to sue Salm on Inc. unless Illum inati
he can pr ove he w as bugged. You have found a bug in his study, Lapple
hidden in the r oom ?s shag car pet, but know that w ithout a Lake
confession fr om the per son w ho placed the bug, you w ill not be Under
able to pr ove that M r. Bass did not place the bug him self. Your M ur der
pr elim inar y investigation pr oduces the follow ing infor m ation: I m ean
the cr im inal w or ked alone, the bug you found w as the only one No
the speech could have been hear d fr om , the cr im inal m ust have Adjectives
been one of the thr ee visiting fisher m an, and the bug itself, a Today
par ticular ly stur dy m odel, has a str ange fishy sm ell and is I love pain to bathr oom
colour ed w hite. You have inter r ogated the fisher m an and stalls
checked the video cam er as, giving you the facts you w ill need to
solve the case. Guppy Gilder stein has been one of M r. Bass?m ost
vocal fans for year s, and thr ough inter r ogating his close fr iends
you have lear ned that he w ould often tell them ?W hat I w ouldn?t Adv i ce f r om a
give to hear him pr actice one of his speeches? .? In the study, he M ar sh m al l ow
w as seen bending to look under a table near the w all, but you By Pleep the M ar shm allow
could find no evidence of a bug being placed ther e. He also (Kylie)
unsuccessfully tr ied to hug M r. Bass sever al tim es. M akenzie
Rellin is a m or e casual fan of M r. Bass w ho has r un into financial Have you ever
pr oblem s in r ecent w eeks. She w as seen as r ude by the other w anted to ask a
fisher m en, sloppily eating a tuna fish sandw ich w ith extr a m ar shm allow a question?
m ayonnaise w hile tour ing the study. She also spent a long tim e Now you can!!!!!! Pleep the
near the r oom ?s sole w indow , but no tr aces of a bug w er e found M ar shm allow can answ er
in its vicinity. Bar r y Cudona has gained r espect am ong M r. Bass? your questions! He is an
fans as one of his m ost consistent financial backer s, but thr ough or dinar y m ar shm allow w ho
your investigation you have discover ed he is an ex-em ployee of w ants to help other s by
Salm on Inc., still being on close ter m s w ith m uch of the staff. He giving them advice. Please
w as seen glar ing at the secur ity cam er a, and often m oved to ask Pleep questions! Put
locations it w as unable to view , although an investigation of the them in the activity center
study found no tr ace of a bug in any of these locations. After in the r ed thingy that says
finishing your investigation, you have appr oached M r. Bass, advice fr om a
confident that you have uncover ed the identity of the tr ue culpr it. m ar shm allow.
W ho bugged the study of Rodr igo Bass?
Q + A (Qu est i on s + An sw er s) w i t h
Cooper
By Nor a.C. Kalie
(M usic playing in backgr ound)
Q: Do you like working here?
A: Yes, I love it!
Q: On a scale from 1-10 how much?
A: 10 (r ealistically 9.8)
Q: If you could choose one class to teach
what would it be?
A: All of the classes I teach (m aybe Rem ix)
Q: W hat?s your favorite color?
A: Yellow
Q: W hat?s your favorite song?
A: Rem ix?s cover of One Dance
Q: W hat?s your favorite song One Hit
Wonder has written?
A: I don?t know
Q: W hat?s the weirdest song One Hit
Wonder has written?
A: I caught you tootin?
Bye.
W hy Aar on Ju dge W i l l W i n Th e
Am er i can Leagu e Rook i e Of Th e Year
Aw ar d
By Cole Tom etsko
Aar on Judge is a beast for the Yankees,
even though he?s just a kid. He?s 25 year s
old, he?s 6 foot 7 inches, and he hits
bom bs. Her e ar e 5 r easons w hy Judge w ill
w in the AL Rookie of the Year Aw ar d.
1. He leads all of baseball in hom e r uns.
Even Giancar lo Stanton has less than him .
2. He w as an All Star , no doubt about that.
3. He w on the 2017 T-M obile Hom e Run
Der by.
4. He beat the Yankees fr anchise r ookie
hom e r un r ecor d held by Joe Dim aggio.
5. He w on the Rookie of the M onth aw ar d
in thr ee consecutive m onths, Apr il, M ay,
and June
I hope you can see that Judge could be the
next face of baseball.
Th e Won der f u l Wor l d of Lau n ch pad Cover s
By Peter Tr avis
Author?s Note: This is satire.
Rem em ber the days w hen you needed
INSTRUM ENTS to play m usic? * shiver * Such old
technology. Now , w e have a fancy, new w ay to
play m usic, a Launchpad!
This eight-by-eight gr id allow s you to
cr eate the coolest songs ever !...
Pr ovided you have tw o hundr ed dollar s
under your m attr ess and the basic know ledge of
how to w or k w ith a Digital Audio Wor kstation.
Be pr epar ed to w atch countless hour s of
tutor ial videos and sick, nasty cover s w ith 23
Launchpads...that you don?t have. W hen you
finally lear n how to dow nload your favor ite tr ap
beat, put it into a sam ple, then cut it up and
m ake m acr os to assign those sam ples to one
PAGE of your cover , you w ill r ealize that these
cover ar tists have $700 cam er as. Got any
m oney?
Alr ight, you?ve w asted your college funds
on this m achine and ar e r eady to post your sick,
nasty Launchpad cover online...befor e you
r ealize the com m ents on your video ar e
pr obably death thr eats dir ected at you.
Have fun, and don?t for get to hir e a
bodyguar d!
5 Sn appy Com eback s Th at Can Be Used i n An y
Si t u at i on
By Ryan Kane
If you ever find your self in a r oast battle, you
ar e going to need som e am m unition to str ike
back . If you ar e not cr eatively gifted, it can be
har d to com e up w ith good com ebacks. So to
help you w in your next r oast battle, use any one
of these com ebacks that w ill w or k w ith alm ost
any insult.
1. Oh, I didn?t know w e changed the subject to
talking about your m om !
2. I bet you get that a lot fr om your m ir r or !
3. Wanna see som ething scar y? (Hold up fr ont
facing phone cam er a to them )
4. You have less fr iends than a stick
5. I think you lost this a w hile ago (Hold up
paper w ith ?dignity? w r itten on it)
Disclaimer: I am not responsible for any hurt
feeling that may come as a result of this article.
Ran dom Th i n gs Th at I Hat e Wal k er Roast i n g Cl ass: Th e Nex t
By Ethan M am enta Bi g Th i n g
By AnoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)
Pr etty self-explanator y and I don?t feel like w r iting an intr o.
The Walker Roasting Class
1) Bad joke deliver y: A lot of people think that know ing a joke has becom e one of the m ost
or even com ing up w ith a joke is the one and only step to being popular classes in all of CRCAP
funny. NOPE! Sor r y, but having a r eally funny joke doesn?t histor y. It is so popular that alm ost
m ean you?r e done. It doesn?t m atter how good the joke is, the half of the entir e cam p w ants to be
deliver y is the differ ence betw een an er uption of laughter and in this class, and ever y other class
an aw kw ar d exhale of br eath thr ough one?s nose. Don?t laugh has less than 6 students. But w hy is
at your ow n jokes (or at least tr y not to. It?s not the end of the this class so desir able? Let's talk to
w or ld if you do ever y once in aw hile). Also tim ing is im por tant. a cam per about it.
I don?t know w hy but that?s just w hat people alw ays say. I have inter view ed a
cam per nam ed Bob Ross Jr. and he
2) Know -it-all YouTube com m enter s: You know w hat I?m seem s to enjoy Walker Roasting
talking about. You w r ite a har m less com m ent about the video, Class a lot.
and m aybe you m ake a m inor gr am m atical er r or. These people ?Walker Roasting class is
think that it?s their obligation to cor r ect your use of the w or d fun because I can let all of my
?at? at the end of a sentence. And w hen they cor r ect it, they anger out on him , w hile also
don?t just r eply w ith the cor r ect w or d and then an * . No, they pr acticing my r oasting skills, in a
feel like it?s necessar y to w r ite an ESSAY on w hy you can?t end a safe envir onm ent.?
sentence w ith a pr eposition, or w hy you should have used As you have hear d, the class
?affect? instead of ?effect?. It?s like, W HO CARES??? I don?t even itself is nothing m or e than an hour
think that these people car e. They?r e just looking for an excuse of r oasting Walker. This is w hy so
to show how ?sm ar t? they ar e. m any people w ant to be in this
class, to r oast Walker. W ho know s
3) M or ning people: If you?r e a m or ning per son, don?t be how popular this class w ill get (It
offended. I don?t hate you, I just hate the fact that you?r e a w ill pr obably die out in 2018), and
m or ning per son. Now , I am NOT a m or ning per son. M ost if the class w ill star t accepting
people w ould r ather w ake a sleeping dr agon than w ake m e up. m or e students.
But this m eans that I can focus r eally w ell at night. The
pr oblem is that the w or ld is r un by m or ning people? and lizar ds? It?s also r un by lizar ds? m or ning
lizar ds. So at 10pm w hen I?m r eady to do things, the r est of the w or ld is asleep. Ther e ar e m any people
like m e out ther e, so to all of you m or ning people, please stop m aking social nor m s.

4) People w ho ar e fam ous on social m edia: Just w hen w e all thought that r eality tv w as as bad as it gets,
w e discover ed that now that Youtube and affor dable cam er as exist, anyone can cr eate their ow n
r eality tv show. And people w atch it because? ? Now I?m not saying that ever y celebr ity that uses
social m edia is talentless. Actually social m edia can be a ver y good w ay to launch your car eer as either
an actor , a m usician, or ? w ell yeah that?s about it. And I?m not saying that ever yone w ho is fam ous on
social m edia is necessar ily talentless either. I w atch a lot of youtuber s. W hat I r eally hate ar e the
Instagr am ?com edians?, the Viner s w ho sw itched over to youtube because Vine died, and of cour se, the
?m usical.ly kids?. You know w hat I?m talking about. The people w ho don?t know how to be funny for
m or e than a few seconds. The people w ho kill tr ends like hover boar ds, dabbing, and m or e r ecently,
fidget spinner s.

Okay that?s a lot of cr iticism . I?m just going to do a little lightning r ound for som e of the sm aller things
that I hate.
- Dabbing: I have never dabbed unir onically. The fir st tim e that som eone explained it to m e and
told m e it?s a ?dance m ove?, I w as like ?no it?s not?
- ?Lit? and ?fam ?: Again, never said either of these unir onically. It sounds stupid.
- M oder n pop m usic: It?s basically EDM w ith lyr ics. The only differ ence is that EDM ar tists w r ite
their ow n songs.
- ?All m etal is scr eam o?: IT?S NOT!!!
Qu est i on s, Par t 4 Good New s
By Baseball and Tigger , r ival baseball cats. By AnoNYm OuS777 (Ben Cr able)

Baseball: Hello and Welcom e to our 4th questions. We
have 4 questions, so let?s answ er them .
Q: do you like to eat? if so what is you fav food
Tigger : Gr am m ar ! Capitalization! Punctuation! This
question lacks all thr ee.
Baseball: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Fav food
is pizza
Tigger : I have to disagr ee. Tacos, or knishes! (If you
don?t know w hat a knish is you ar e dead to m e.)
Q: * smiling/frowning face with mustache*
Tigger : Um ? not sur e how to answ er this. W hile
m ustaches ar e am azing, w hat is the m outh doing? It
looks kind of like a stylized fish w ith a tail at both
ends.
Baseball: Does this have any connection to the gr afitti
on our questions box that states ?fr ed w az her e? in
hur r ied scr ibbles? I have a feeling that?s the tr uth.
Good new s ever ybody, I have decided
to be like half of the entir e Daily
Double w r iter s, and star t an advice
colum n! I am so or iginal, ar en?t I, that
you r eader w ho seem ingly found my
ar ticle and found the title to be
som ew hat clickbait. I have decided to
call my advice colum n Anonym ous
Advice (for obvious r easons) and you
guys have to subm it questions ASAP! I
can?t just m ake up questions like for
som e fanfictions of Walker I did. So
please subm it any question you have,
or subm it any r andom thought that
com es to your head. Please send
questions, I am so lonely w ithout
them .

Q: Best team in baseball? M ost successful? M ost Congenial?

Baseball: Fir st of all, The best team in Baseball is the Dodger s, w ith a 75 - 31 r ecor d. That goes for the
m ost successful section of the question, also. Nobody seem s to have a opinion, and I don?t, but If you
do, please w r ite us another question about how you think .
Tigger : congenial - k?n?j?n??l/ - adjective (of a per son) pleasant because of a per sonality, qualities, or
inter ests that ar e sim ilar to one's ow n.
Baseball:, Thank you, Tigger , for the com pletely useless definition that you m ost likely copied fr om
Google. Now I can say I know w hat the w or d m eans w ithout being able to define the m ost con-gen-ial
team in baseball.
Tigger : Useless? I saw you look up the definition on your scr een. I?m sur e m ost of the people r eading
this w er e going to (no offense, I?m sur e you ar e all ver y sm ar t). I saved them the tr ouble. Also, not m ost
likely. Definitely.
Baseball: All these Yankees fans, alw ays copying w ithout per m ission? * sighs* as for that vile statem ent
about my scr een, how do you even know w hat I?ve br ow sed! SPY! (scr eam ing) SECURITY!!!! P.S. w hat
do you m ean by ?No offense, I?m sur e you ar e all ver y sm ar t.?
Tigger : W hat?! You?r e sitting r ight next to m e. PARANOID! (scr eam ing) SECURITY!!!!
Baseball: (still scr eam ing)I DON?T CARE! AND YOU CAN?T ACCUSE M E OF ANYTHING! I WAS JUST
CHECKING THE BEAUTIFUL STANDINGS!

Q: W hat is your favorite color?

Baseball: M ine is Red. W hat else w ould it be. Red Sox. Pr oud ow ner s of fir st place in the AL east. Unlike
som e team s I know.
Tigger : M ine is coincidentally blue. I also like ar my gr een. Baseball has a ver y one-tr ack m ind?
Baseball: This br ings us to another fact about Yankees fans. They m ake vile false accusations.
Tigger : You keep using that w or d. I do not think it m eans w hat you think it m eans. (vile)
Baseball: I do know w hat it m eans! It m eans extr em ely unpleasant.
Tigger : Have you even seen The Pr incess Br ide? Do the w or ds, ?I am Inigo M ontoya, you killed my
father , pr epar e to die? m ean anything to you?
Baseball: No, and No. Signing off.
Tigger : You ar e dead to m e. How dar e you. Also, w hy do w e have to say signing off at the end?
Baseball: You disgust m e. Also, w e just have to. It?s som ething to do. Signing off.
Tigger : I don?t have to?
Baseball: Nor do I?
Wr i t i n g Acr oss Cam pu s
By Chloe and Ava
[Author?s Note: Thanks to M addie from bringing me
and Ava around campus to complete this!]
Chloe: Hi, guys. It's just m e r ight now because Ava is
finding a spot acr oss cam pus fr om m e. So, w hat w e
ar e gonna be doing is that Ava w ill find a spot acr oss
cam pus fr om the Daily Double r oom and she w ill tell
m e her sur r oundings, and I tr y to guess w her e she is,
and after she does thr ee spots, I w ill go into thr ee
spots and have her guess! So, her e w e go!
AVA?s Tur n ... Spot 1:
A: I'm next to a bunch of em pty w ater cans!
C: Water cans? Wait w hat..?
A: Yep! Ther e ar e 18. Yeah I know it?s w eir d.
C: Anything else..?
A: Ther e?s a bum py stone w all w ith a m essage that
says ?you'r e cute? w ith a bunny face. And ther e's a
blue chair that's stained w ith paint.
C: Ar e you at the bar n?
A: No, but I can see w hy you'd guess that.
C: Near Cr eative Star ts?
A: No, I?m sor ta under gr ound
C: Ar e you in the basem ent in the Old Building?
A: Yes! You got it r ight! Yay! On to the next spot?
C: That w as har d.. Now into spot tw o.
Spot 2:
A: Okay! I am w ith Cr eative Star ts.
C: Playgr ound?
A: Yes! Wow ! Let's get m or e specific? w her e on the
playgr ound?
C: Noooo Chloe can't see out the w indow w w w w
C: Hm m
A: Lol! I am near the cur ly clim by thing!
C: Lol Thought you w ould let m e guess
A: I am letting you guess, that w as a hint- ther e's
m or e!
C: M or e hiiiiinnnntttts.
A: Okay.. I am under neath the top of the playgr ound.
C: Ar e you in that little tube thing?
A: Yes! Yay! It's hot in this thing!
C: Last spoooot!!! Until I get to go.
Spot 3:
A: Ther e's a lot of blue in this last spot!
C: Tent stage?? Walker Ander son?s Hear t
A: No, Walker ! Her e's another hint, w e?r e inside-good
air conditioning.
C: M iddle Building?
A: Close, I?m acr oss fr om it.
C: Activity Center ?
A: Yes, but w hat r oom ? Hint: not the boys locker
r oom - or any bathr oom s!
C: Gym ?
A: Close, ther e's a door to the gym in this r oom .
RtC: The r oom w ith the ping pong table?
A: No, that r oom is on the other side of the building.
C: Lunch Line?
A: The bell hasn't r ung! And I'm on the fir st floor ,
and ther e's a door to the bathr oom .
C: The Locker r oom hallw ay?
A: Ver y ver y ver y close!
C: M or e hint.
A: I'm near a bunch of locker s!
C: I knew it? Gir ls locker r oom ..
A: Yay you did it! Now it's your tur n! Com ing back?
C: I knew it the w hole tim e i just didn't w ant to say it..
A: Yeah sur e? w e?ll do your tur n now !
CHLOE?s tur n, Spot 1:
C: I'm in the fir st spot! Fir st hint: ther e ar e flow er s
A: TINA gr ave thing
C: Yeah! How 'd you guess so fast?
A:that place is the only place w ith flow er s!:3
C: No it isn't! I'm on to the next spot
A: Okay
Spot 2:
C: I'm in the second spot, ther e ar e flow er s.
A: uhhhhhhhhhhhhh m or e hints pls
C: I'm next to one of the building signs
A: Old Building sigh
C: Nope
A: M ORE HINT!!!!
C: I'm playing w ith pebbles
A: Ar e you near the activity center
C: I can see it but I'm not next to it.
A: Uhhhhhh m ini tent????
C: Nope, I'm near the anim ation studio
A: Ar e you at the place at the top of the m iddle building
C: W hat? At the top of the m iddle building? No We?r e
next to som e yellow flow er s.
A: Ar e you in fr ont of the m iddle building w ith the
plants?
C: Yes! But w hich ar ea?
A? ? ? ..UUHHHHHHHH hint pls
C: I think I w on this r ound, I'm at the end of the plants in
fr ont of the m iddle building.in fr ont of the anim ation
studio
A: oohhhhh ? ? .THAT WAS HARD. Next spot!
Spot 3:
C: I see yellow
A: Uhhh tent??
C: W hich one ar e you thinking of?
A: M INI TENT??!??
C: Do you m ean the soapstone tent?
A: Yes
C: No, I'm next to a fence
A: Uhhhhhhhhh playgr ound field
C: No, ther e ar e dr aw ings on the tent w e?r e next to
A: PICNIC TABLES!!!
C: ? no
A: UY^JTYUTURYIYRTGJUKyi hints pls
C: This m ight give it aw ay, I'm next to a castle
A: .......OM G? ? .BIG TENT!!!!!!
C: No! Do you give up?
A: NNEEEVVEERRR!!!!!ARE YOU AT THE SANDBOX!!!!!
C: SO CLOSE, But w her e in the sand box?!
A: That little tent that the cr eative star ts m ade that is in
the sandbox
C: YEAH
A: BYE!