"The Heart of Dating: Model for Christian Courtship"

1Timothy5:12
Rev.MinJ.Chung
(SundayWorship,March5,2000)

"Donotrebukeanoldermanharshly,butexhorthimasifhewereyourfather.Treatyoungermenasbrothers,olderwomenasmothers,andyoungerwomenassisters,withabsolute
purity."1Timothy5:12.NIV

I. Introduction
A. Lastweekwehadarecordnumberofpeople.Ifyouhaventheardlastweeksmessage,
pleaselistentoit.Itsacriticismofseculardating."Withabsolutepurity."Thelinemust
bekeptnomatterwhatwedo.Todaywellgivethepositiveside.
B. Lastweekendwecritiquedthedatingphilosophyofthisworld.Wegavethreeaspectsto
thiscriticismcultural,practicalandbiblical.Culturally,wetalkedaboutthefactthatin
the1900s,datingphilosophyhasevolvedandchanged.Itsaculturalthing.Different
placesintheworldhavedifferentphilosophiesaboutdating;itsaveryculturalthing.We
needtocheckcultureaccordingtotheBible.Isitwrong?Wedidlastweekthatthrough
Scripture.Practically,ithasmanydisadvantages.Foronething,itisdetrimentaltoyour
marriageinthefuture.Wesaidthatseculardatingpromotesintimacywithout
commitment.Whenyoudate,itslikejumpingintoapoolwithoutknowingifthereisany
water.Whenyoudateandgetemotionallyorphysicallyattached,youloseapartof
yourselfthatyouneedformarriage.Purityislikeasticker.Ifyoukeepstickingitto
differentplaces,itlosesitsstickiness.Purityinsinglenessisthebestequipmentfor
unityinmarriage.YouneedpurityforunitysothatGodwillbeglorified.Italso
promotesintimacywithoutfriendship.Intimacywithoutcommitmentisdefrauding
butintimacywithoutfriendshipissuperficial.Arelationshipbasedonphysical
attractionwilllastonlyaslongasfeelingslast.Alsoitcreatesconfusionbetween
physicalattractionandreallove.Justbecauseyouwanttobewithsomeonebecauseof
chemicalsinyourbodydoesntmeanyouareinlovewiththem.Thosethingsdontlast.
Seculardatingoftendistractsusfromspiritualgrowth;whenyouareinanexclusive
relationshipitcutsthetimewithothersyouneedtomatureandgrow.Youhavealotless
timetodevelopashumanbeingsandtoservetheLord.Thatswhywesuggested,the
later,thebetter.Alsodatingcreatesanartificialenvironmenttogettoknoweachothers
character.Wecanknoweachothermuchbetterthroughfriendship.Finally,wecritiqued
datingthroughScripture.TheBibledrawsaclearlinebetweenmalesandfemales,which
canbecrossedonlyinmarriage.Otherwiseyourepracticingfordivorce,sinceyoukeep
gettingtogetherandbreakingup.Theremustbepurityinourrelationships.Imustact
liketwootherpeoplearepresent,thatpersonsspouseandmine.I
cannotthink,do,feelordesireanythingthatthosepeopleorGodwoulddisapproveof.
Whenyougooverthosebiblicalguidelines,itwillbeahindranceinyourmarriagein
thefuture.Thatsjustasummaryofwhatweretalkingaboutlastweek.Wellalsogive
morecriticism.
 C.

D. ThismodelillustratesthedysfunctionaldatingmodeloftheworldandGodsviewofthe
courtshipprocessthatweresuggesting.Whenamaleisattractedtoafemale(ofcourse
somefemalesarelikemalesandsomemalesarelikefemales),hesfirstthinkingabout
thephysicalaspectphysicaltouch.Afterphysicalattractionhappens,thenemotional
attachmenttakesplace.Afterthat,youwanttomakeacommitment,andspiritual
onenessmightoccuriftheygetmarried.Femalesaredifferent.Assoonasyoulike
someone,emotionalonenesshappens,youstarttothinkaboutthem,towanttobewith
themeventhoughyourephysicallyapart.Thenyouhaveadesireforphysicaloneness.
Soitsswitchedbetweenmalesandfemales(physicalandemotionalaspects).Thenyou
wanttomakeacommitment.Finallyifthatoccurs,perhapsyoucanhavespiritual
oneness.Wearesuggestingthatinorderforthosethingstohappen,beforeemotional,
physicalonenesshappens,theremustbeacommitment.Becauseifyougivethosethings
awaybeforecommitting,youarelosingapartofyourheartthatonlyyourspouse
deserves.Theremustbeacommitment.Itmustbethebasisofeverything.Inthe
courtshipprocesswearetalkingaboutcommitmentfirst,thenspiritualoneness.Thenin
thepossibilityorcourtshipstage,emotionalonenesscanoccur.Thenfinallyinmarriage,
physicalonenesscanoccur.Insecular,dysfunctionaldatingrelationships,alotof
damagecanoccur.Thatemotional,physicalonenessyouneedislost.Alargeportionis
lostinthoserelationships.
E. Imgoingtosuggestfourstages.Firstofall,thepreparationstage.WhatcanIdonow?
Secondly,friendshipstage.Thirdly,possibilitystage.Fourthly,engagementstage.
II. Body
A. PreparationStage
Dr.Raunikergivesninethingsweneedtobereadywithbeforeeventhinkingaboutthe
courtshipprocess.Beforeyoueventhinkaboutityoumustthinkofthesethings.I
wholeheartedlyagreewiththislist.AmIreadytoenterabiblicaldatingrelationship?
1. SpiritualMaturity
a. AreyoucommittedtoJesusandHischurch?Doyouhaveapersonal
relationshipwithGod?Thisisimportantbecauseitaffectswhetheryoucan
hearthevoiceofGodandfollowHiswill.Itaffectsthelevelofintimacy
withyourspouse.Itllaffectyoursuccessinmarriage.Doyouhavespiritual
 maturity?Doyouhaveaheartofrepentance?IftheBiblesaysthatIm
wrong,amIwillingtochange?
2. GodlyCharacter
a. Icangoonaboutthisandpreachawholesermon,butbasicallyGalatians
5:2223talksaboutthefruitoftheHolySpirit."ButthefruitoftheSpiritis
love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentlenessand
selfcontrol."Lookatyourself.Doyoulovepeopleratherthanwantingto
beloved?Areyouselfish?Istheorientationofyourlifegivinglove?Is
therejoy,peace?Istherepatience?Ifnot,youreintroublebecauseyoullbe
impatientwiththeoppositegender.Areyoufaithful?Areyouundividedto
theLordandtoyourfriends?Isthereselfcontrolcanyoucontrol
yourself?Ifyoucantcontrolyourselfinthisarea,youcantinotherareas.If
youcantcontrolyourtimemanagement,youcantcontrolyourmoney
management,andyoucantcontrolyourselfinyouroppositegender
relationships.Youarewhoyouarewhoeverisbesideyou.
3. Accountability
a. IfyouareaLoneRanger,thinkofitlikethis.Youdontknowwhoisbehind
themask.Areyouapersonthathasaccountabilitytoothers?Isthere
someonewhoknowsyouandcanaskyouanyquestion?Whenyoure
choosingsomeoneasamate,checktoseeifhelistenstoanyone.Can
anyonecomeandgivehimadviceanddoeshelisten?Ifthereissomeone
helistensto,youcangotothatpersonwhenyouhaveaproblem.Ifyou
donthaveaccountability,theresahighprobabilityyouwillfall.Thinkof
Davidandothers.
4. EmotionalHealth
a. Emotionsindicatewhatwelove.Youdontgetemotionalaboutthingsyou
dontcareabout.Whatisyouremotionallifelike?Thinkaboutit,especially
thenegativeemotions.Depression,loneliness,fear,anger,allthesethings.
Theyallindicatesomething.Whenyouhavenegativeemotionsittellsus
whatwereallydesireinourhearts.Checkwithotherswhenyouare
thinkingaboutsomeoneelseinthepossibilitystage.Checkwhathappened
inthepast,aswellastheinterpretationstheymakeinthepresentandhow
theyreliving.

14concerncharacterissues,internalthings.59concernpracticalissues,
externalthings.Someofyouproudpeoplemightsay,"Imready!Tellme
more!"
5. FinancialStability
a. Thatcutsmostofyouout.Whenyougetmarried,someonehastopayfor
therent,forthecar.Yougottabepractical.In1992,FamilyAmerica
ResearchbyBarnaResearchGroupsaidthemostcommonsourceof
maritalstressisfinancialhardship.Itsthebiggestreasonpeopleget
divorced.Dontunderestimateit.Asinglemanmusthaveavocationbefore
heconsiderscourtship.Ifitispossible,itsgoodtobedebtfreebefore
 gettingmarried.Ofcourse,itsnearlyimpossibleinAmericaaftergettinga
universityeducation.Itdbenice.Iwontsayyouhaveto.Ihadalotofdebt,
soIcantsayanything.
6. VocationalTraining
a. Proverbs24:27says,"Finishyouroutdoorworkandgetyourfieldsready;
afterthat,buildyourhouse."Workfirst.Afterthat,youcanbuildyour
house.Thatsgood.Ladiesespecially,whenyouconsideramate,many
timestheirvocationandcallingbecomesyourcalling,andwhatyouwill
supportforlife.Itsimportanttoknowwherethatpersonisgoing.
7. ParentalTraining
a. Familyexpertssaythebirthofthefirstchildisamajorcrisisformany
couples.Why?Theyprobablyspendmoretimepreparingtogetadrivers
licensethanpreparingforchildhood.IfyoulookatAmericanculture,think
ofhowmuchsexualrelationshipsareportrayedonTVandmusic,yethow
manytimesdoyouactuallyseebabiesbeingborn?Rarely.Itstooboring.
Thepictureofparenthoodisconspicuouslyabsent.Sopeopledontrealize
theimportanceofraisingchildren.
b. Ifyougetmarriedandhavechildren,andwhenthebabycriesat2AM,
youreonyourown.Whatdoyoudo?Mostpeopledontknow.AfterGee
andIgotmarried,wehadourfirstchild,Joshua.Thatwasnineyearsago.
Whenwebroughthimhomethefirstday,hecriedallnight.Andsowe
thoughtsomethingwaswrong.Wethought,"Hesgoingtodieandwere
goingtobetheworstparentsintheworld."Thenextdaywetookhimto
thehospital.Theysaid,"Hesprobablyhungry.Feedhim.";Sowefedhim
andhedidntcryanymore.Ooh,man.Prettygood,huh?Ifweknewthat,
wecouldhavesleptallnight.Theysayformanycouples,thefirstdiaper
theychangeistheirfirstchilds.Haveyoueverchangedadiaper?[People
raisetheirhands.]Thisisthefirsttimepeopleraisetheirhandsso
enthusiasticallyforchangingadiaper.Ineverchangedadiaperbefore
Joshua.Iremembermyfirstdiaperchangeexperience.Oneday,Geewas
goingout."Whereareyougoing?""Out.""Oh.Whosgoingtowatchthe
kid?""You.""Oh.Whatishedoing?""Sleeping.HellbefineuntilIcome."
Shequietlyclosesthedoor.Twosecondslater,"Wah!"Hesnotsleeping
anymore.Whenababycries,thereareonlyafewpossibilities.Heseither
hungryorheneedstobechanged.Icantfeedhim.Idonthavetheright
equipment.ButIknewhejustgotfed,sohewasnthungry.Therewasno
otherpossibility."Ohno.Ohno."Iheldhim,"Stopcrying;gobackto
sleep."Aboutfiveminuteslater,afterhopingthatshewouldcomeback,I
feltguilty.IcallmyselfapastorandamsupposedtolovepeopleandIwant
toconquertheworldandIhaveaphobiaofchangingdiapers.Irepented.
SoIgotthediaperoutandputitonhimandsinceitwasmyfirsttime
tryingtoputiton,Ilookedreallyclosely,"AmIdoingitright?"Then
[Pooh!],rightonmyface.MaybethatswhyImrebukingJoshuamorethese
days.IwishIhadtraining.WheneverIhadaquestionIwouldaskolder
 peopleandIwishIhadmorepeopletocall.Dosomevolunteerworkfor
someparents.Itllhelptheparents,butitsgoodforyou.
8. HouseholdTraining
a. Someonehastofixthefaucet.Someonehastomowthelawn.Someone
hastovacuumthefloor,cleanthebathroom,unclogthetoilet.Youknow
howtodothat?Someonehastocook.Someonehastochangethediapers.
Someonehastobake,sew,decoratethehome,patrolthekids.
b. Letmegiveyouagoodsuggestion.ThisSpringBreak,ratherthanjustgo
toFloridaanddonothing,gohomeanddosomehomework.Followyour
mom;learnhowtocook.Raiseyourdomesticvalue.Itllbegreat
preparationandbeedifyingforyoursoul.
9. Commitment
a. Beforeyoudateoreventhinkaboutcourtshipyoumustbecommitted.
WhenImarrypeople,whentheysaythetraditionalvows,theysayafew
things:"Iwillloveyouuntilyoudie."Areyoureadytosaythat?Donteven
thinkaboutcourtshipuntilyourereadytosaythattosomeone."Iwillhonor
youuntilyoudie.""Iwillcherishyouuntiloneofusdies.""Iwillnotbe
involvedwithanyothersubstitutemate,untiloneofusdies.""Iwill
performallthedutiesofaspouseuntiloneofusdies,insicknessorin
health.""Iwillbelovingandfaithfulineverycircumstance,foraslongas
thetwoofuslive."Areyoureadytodoit?Donteventhinkabouthavinga
relationshipwithsomeoneifyoucantsaythat.
b. Obviouslyifyoulookatthelist,theolder,thebetter,becauseyouremore
equippedforlife.Itsnotwrongtogetintoarelationshipincollege,but
postcollegeispreferred.IfyougothroughthelegitimateprocessitsOK,
evenincollege.Butthepreferenceiswhenyoureolder,sinceyouremore
ready.Ifyougettogetherearlier,thengetmarriedlater,youcangetintoso
manytemptationsanditcanhindertheprogressinyourspiritualgrowth
andinotherareas.Itsnotwrong,butlaterispreferred.Thebookssaythat,
too(thebookswillbeonthebooktablesoon).Butdontjudgepeoplewho
areinlegitimaterelationshipsnow.
B. FriendshipStage
1. Nowyoureready.Youknowhowtochangediapers.Youdiditforyourcousin.
Youreanexpert.Whatnow?Now,youcanbeinthisfriendshipstage.Actually,
youcanhaveatitanytime,especiallyduringcollege.Getintoasmany,many,
many,many,asmanyasyoucan,healthyrelationshipsinsmallgroupandat
church.Makenonexclusiveyoungertoolder,brothertosisterrelationshipsanda
lotofbiblicalfriendshipswhereyouarecaringforanother,rightnow.Thoseof
youwhohavebeeninalotofsmallgroups,thatsgood.Buildfriendshipsnow.
2. Somesaysecularthingslike,"IfIdontgetanyonebeforecollegeisover,itsover.
Imdoomed."Thisisfrom(ImnotgoingtosaytheDevil)badpeople.Itsanevil
thought.Dontthinklikethat.Rightnowmakealotoffriendshipsbecauseitllbe
helpfulforthefuture.Atthisstage,praygenerally.Especiallyforfemales,dont
prayspecificallyforalongperiodbecauseyoucangetattached.Youknowwhat
 Imtalkingabout.Ifyouhaventstartedpraying,yourelatebecauseImalready
prayingformyfourchildrenandtheirspouses.Mykidsdontknowwhotheyare.
Theirspousedontknowmykids;theydontknowme.Theymightnotevenbe
bornyet!Yet,theyreblessedbecauseImprayingforthem.
3. Asyoumakefriends,theremightbeanattraction.Fuzzy,wuzzyfeelings."Lord,
helpme!"thing.Soyoucanthinkaboutitandprayalot.Gettoknowthem
throughagoodbrother/sisterrelationshipandtalkingtoothers.Dosomeresearch.
Dontjustresearchthemwithyoureyes,butthroughothersaswell.Gettoknow
themaswellasyoucanlegitimately.Dontlust.Becarefulnottodoanythingthat
willgetyouintoadangerousrelationship.Inthisstage,asyouhavefriendship,
dontmakeanycommitments.Dontsay,"Theworldwithoutyouislikeblank."Im
anegativeromanticperson."Theworldwithoutyouislikeabicyclewithouta
chain."AmIzeroromanticnow?Noexclusiveorexcessivetimespenttogether,
becauseitllbecomeemotionalattachment.Onlytheirspousedeservesthat.Dont
givespecialgiftstoeachother.Especiallynoexpressionoffeelings.
4. Feelingscome.Theycomeevenafteryougetmarried.Youshouldlearnhowto
dealwithit.ItmightnotbeasintohavefeelingstemporarilybutLuthersaid,
"Youcantkeepbirdsfromflyingoveryourhead,butyoucankeepthem
frombuildinganestonyourhead.""Feelings,getout!"Letthemflyaway.
Dontshoworexpressfeelings.Why?Letmetellyounow,afteryougetmarried
youllhavethesefeelingsforpeopleotherthanyourspouse.Yourepracticingto
getthosefeelingsaway.Areyougoingtotelleveryone,"Ihavefeelingsfor
you"?Ifthesefeelingsgettoodeep,keepyourdistanceforawhile.Manymarried
peoplehavethesefeelingsbuttheymustcontrolthem;theseprinciplesmustbe
keptforlife.
5. Thatswhythisstagemustbethelongest.Andthroughfriendship,youcanknow
themevenbetterthaninaseculardatingrelationship.
C. PossibilityStage
1. Thebookscallitthecourtingstage.Now,thisisdifferentthandatingforafew
reasons.Itisforthespecificpurposeofmarriage.Seculardatingrelationships
mightnotbelikethat.Inthisstage,youhavetohaveaccountability.Illtalk
aboutthatlater.Thenthirdly,donotcrosslineofbrotherandsisterhood.Thats
differentthandatingrelationships.
2. Thinkhowitprogressesnaturally.Firstyouhaveafriendshipandsensetheres
somepossibility."Thatpersonisagodlymanorwoman.Ithinkwecanspendour
livestogether."Youhaveprayedconsiderablyandfeelsomewhatconvincedthis
personisit.Whenthathappens,youneedtotalktosomeone,eitheraspiritual
authorityoryourparents.Itdependsonyourparents;cantheywatchoveryouin
thisprocess?Ifnot,thinkofotherolderorspirituallymaturepeople,especially
couples,whocanwatchoveryou.Illtalkmoreaboutthatlater.Yourenotjust
goingaboutitonyourown.Someoneiswatchingyou,notforcontrol,butfor
protection.Ifyoureadthebook,ChoosingGodsBest,itllgivealotofpractical
suggestionsforthis.Afterthis,setupameetingwiththepersonyouare
consideringasapossibility.Iwouldsuggestapublicplace,inthecontextof
 conversation.Sinceyoualreadyhaveafriendship,itsnotawkwardandyoucan
talkaboutit.Youbothprobablyhavesensedit,yetyouveblockeditout,since
youarenottogetemotionallyattached.(Ofcourse,itspossiblethattheymightbe
totallysurprised:"What!?")Expressyourinterestandaskthatpersontobegin
prayingaboutitontheirown.Setupatimetoprayseparately,maybethree
months,sixmonths,ayear.Allowatimeforreflectionandprayseparatelyabout
it.Decidetheamountoftimeyouspendtogetherasyouprayaboutit,maybeonce
aweek.Limitthetimeyouspendtogether,becauseyourestillbrothersandsisters
inChrist.Ifyouspendtoomuchtime,emotionalattachmentcanhappen.Youstill
cannotcrossthelineofbrotherhoodandsisterhood.Alotofspiritualactivities
andgroupactivitiesarehighlysuggested.Ifonepersonsaysnoanytimeinthat
period,evenifbeforethedeadline,itsover.Letthemknowbecauseitsfairforthe
otherperson.Shortenitbytellingthem.
3. Whatareyousupposedtobedoinginthisstage?Ifyouaregoingthroughthis
stage,ifyourparentscanknowthatdbegreat."Mom,Dad,Imthinkingabout
someone."Iwontsaythatasanabsoluteprinciple.Itdependsonyourrelationship
withyourparents.Butifnotyourparents,tellsomespiritualauthority.Constantly
talktoothers;getadvicefromfriends.Ifmanypeoplearesayingno,maybetheres
somethingwrongwiththatrelationshiporthatperson.Manytimes,otherpeople
canseewhatyoucant.PrayforGodswisdomandconviction.
4. Howdoyouultimatelydecidewhetherthispersonisrightornot?Lookatthe
principleinRomans12:2."Donotconformanylongertothepatternofthisworld,
butbetransformedbytherenewingofyourmind.Thenyouwillbeabletotest
andapprovewhatGod'swillishisgood,pleasingandperfectwill."Asyour
mindistransformedasyoupray,youcantestandapprovewhatHiswillis.AsI
havesaidmanytimes,testingisobjectiveconfirmation,approvalissubjective
confirmation.Objectively,findoutalotofthingsvision,future,character,
characteristics,andpersonality.Youcanwritethemdownandprayaboutthem.
Thensubjectively,findoutwhatothersaresaying,listentospiritualadvice,
considerandpray."Yeah,Ihaveconvictionanddesire."Ultimatelyitsuptoyou.
Youwillbeabletotestandapprove.Asyouprayforcertaincharacteristics,"God
isconvictingmethatthisistheperson."Asyouwritedowntheprosandcons,
Godcangiveyouguidance,butultimatelyitsuptoyou.
5. Letssaythesixmonthsisover.Thefinalmeetingday,DDay,arrives.Ifone
personsaysno,itsover.Ifonesaysyes,andtheothersays,"Istilldontknow,"set
upanotherperiodoftime.Gothroughitagain.Nowdontdothisfortenyears.
"Areyoureadynow?"Ifbothsayyes,everyonemustknowparentsand
authorities.
6. WhenImarriedGee,bothofussaidyesearlyon.Wegotmarriedat22,23.Right
aftercollegegraduation.Itsnottheagebutthematurity.Whenwedecidedtoget
married,wepersonallydecidedthatifanyofmyparentsorherssaidno,we
wouldntgetmarried.Wewantedtheirblessing.Wesaidthatwewouldwaitand
pray.IfGodcanchangePharoahsheart,hecanchangeyourparentshearts.Of
course,Pharoahsheartwaschangedonlytemporarily,sothatmightbewhat
happenswithyourparents.</LI>
 7. Somepeoplemightask,"Thismodelmeansthatyouhavetohavefriendships."So
youmightbefriendswithsomeonefromcollege,thenafewyearslater,youthink
aboutthemandcallthemanditcanworkout.ButwhatifIskipthefriendship
stage?Youreallydontknowthispersonfrombefore;maybeyoudontevengoto
thesamechurch,butsomeoneintroducesyou.Therefore,Iamforarranged
marriagesinthatsense.Notthatyourparentsdecide.Butarrangedasin
introducingrelationships.Eventhoughyoupersonallydonthaveafriendship
withthatperson,youhavemutualfriends.Therefore,thetrustworthinessofthe
personwhointroducesyouisveryimportant,sinceyouretrustingwhatthat
personsays.Ifyouareintroducedtosomeone,thecourtshipprocesscantake
placeimmediately.Yourestillthinkingofthepossibilityofmarriage;youhave
accountability;youdontcrossthelineofbrotherhoodandsisterhood.
8. Letmetalkaboutaccountabilityandoverseeingofthecourtshipprocess.AsIwas
thinkingaboutthecourtshiporpossibilitystagethisyear,Iammostconvicted
aboutthis.Theremustbesomebodyoldertooverseeyouinthisstagemaybea
marriedcouple,apastor,yourparents,orsomeonewhoknowsabout
relationships.
9. YesterdayIwasdrivinghomefromthebookstorewithmykids.Suddenly,I
realizedthattherewasapolicecarfollowingme.Iwasntspeeding,butIstepped
onthebrake.NowImgoingfivemilesanhour.Imgoingslowbecausehes
watchingme.UsuallyIhavebaddrivinghabits.Imightnotstopcompletelyat
stopsigns.Idontalwaysusemyturnsignal.ButnowImdoingeverythingas
perfectlyaspossiblebecausethepolicemaniswatching.SowhenIgottoastop
sign,Istoppedfortwentyseconds.Now,hewasnotcontrollingme.Hewas
watchingme,soitwashelpful.Ifsomeoneiswatchingyou,youhaveprotection.
DidIgetintoanaccidentwhenthepolicewasfollowingme?No.Itsdifficultto
getintoanaccidentwhenyouredriving5milesanhour.Accountabilitycancheck
yourcommitmentlevel,timespenttogether,etc.Youredecidingthesethings,but
peoplecangiveyoutheiropinions.Andifyourenotkeepingyourcommitments,
theyllhelpyou."Areyouemotionallyattached?""Maybeyoushouldspendless
timetogether."Policeprovideprotectionforyoutonotgetintoaccidents."Are
yougettinginvolvedphysically?"Also,accountabilityisgoodforthefuture.It
canlastallyourlife.Ifyouhavepeoplelikethatnow,itllbehelpfulevenafter
yougetmarried.Forexample,considerchildrearing.Ifthekidcriesallnight,
feedhim.Ifsomeonetoldusthat,Iwouldhavesleptthatnightandcouldhave
savedahospitalvisit.Ifyouhavefinancialproblems,theycanteachyouhowto
budget.Theycanhelpwithcareerandministrychoices,withinterpersonalissues;
"Whyissheorshelikethis?""Itsthenormalprocessyouregoingthrough."
10. Thesedays,especiallybecauseIvebeenmarryingpeopleforthelastfewyears,a
lotofpeoplecallfromdifferentplaces.TheymakeappointmentsandIgivethem
advice.Afewdaysago,Igotaphonecallfromthispastorswife.Shewantedto
talktoGee."Hey,youdontwanttotalktome?""No,unlessyouknowhowtodo
toilettraining.""OK,calllater.Geewillbeherethen."Thatsgood.Sheiswaiting
forherfirstchildandsincewehavearelationship,shecangetgoodadvice.Those
aregoodrelationshipsthatyoucankeepforlife.
 11.

12. Youcannothavephysicaloremotionalunity,butyoushoulddothingsthatbring
spiritualconnectedness.ThenifGodallows:DDayhappensandyousayyes,
thenitbecomestheengagementperiod,andduringthatperiodyoucanhave
emotionaloneness.Butstillnophysicalinvolvement.Thenaftermarriage,you
canhavespiritual,soulemotionaloneness,andafantastic,physical,sexual
relationship.Doesthatsoundweird?TheBiblesaysthatsexisafantasticthing,
withinmarriage.
D. SomeQuestions
Illanswerafewquestionsthatpeoplemighthave,thenwellfinishup.
1. Whataboutinterracialmarriages?
a. Thingslikethatcanhappeninourchurch.ItspossiblethataCaucasian
marriesanAsian.Oreveninterethnicmarriages,likeChinesemarrying
KoreansorJapanesemarryingFilipinos.Icannotfindanything
theologicallywrongwithit.Thereisnobiblicalobjection.Somepeople
ask,"WhataboutwhentheBibleprohibitsIsraelitesfrommarrying
Canaanites?"Well,itsabelieverversusnonbelieverissue.TheIsraelites
followedGodbuttheCanaanitesdidnt.ChristiansmustmarryChristians.
Thatisaclearbiblicalline.
b. Thereisnothingwrongwithinterracialmarriages,butpractically,its
anotherdifficultyyoureaddingtotheotherdifficultiesofmarriage.
Practicallyitsonemorethingtoconsider.Itsabigbarrier.Therelationship
withbothsetsofparentsisveryimportant,buteventhoughbothofyou
mighthavegrownupinAmerica,yougrewupindifferentcultures.Soyou
needtoconsideritpractically.Iwouldsaythis:Ifbothofyouare
committed,youcangothroughanything.Butdoconsiderthatyouare
addingmoredifficulty.
2. Whatifmyparentsdisagreewithmychoice?
a. Evenifitsoneparentoutoffour.Yougottawaitandkeeppraying.Itsbest
toreceiveblessingsfromeverybody.Itsnotjustaboutyou.Thatswhythe
dadwalksthebridedowntheaisle.Thatswhyhesays,"Wegiveawaythis
bride.";Thatswhythewholefamilytakesupthefirsttworows.Hearthem
out.Isitbiblical?OrisitbecausehesnotadoctororalawyerorKoreanor
Chineseorwhatever.Isitbiblical?Alotoftimes,theyhavealotof
experiencesohearthemout.Ifyourspiritualleadersandeveryoneelsesay
OK,andyoudecidetogoagainstyourparents,bethreetimesmoresure
 thatthatswhatGodwantsyoutodo.Asmuchasyoucan,waittoreceive
yourparentsblessings,ifpossible.
3. WhatifIamdatingrightnowandIhavegonefaracrosstheline?
a. "Wehaveenteredintoanirretrievablerelationshipintermskeepingtheline
ofbrotherhoodandsisterhood."Perhapsyouhavecrossedtheline
emotionally,maybeevensexually.Ifyougooverthelineonce,youcantgo
back.Youhaveenteredairretrievablezoneorplace.Youcanneverbejust
friendsagain.So,stoptherelationshipcompletely.Imnottalkingabout
breakingupnecessarily.Butcompletelystoptherelationship.Youknow
eachotherenoughtomakeadecision.Talkabouttherelationshipandgo
throughthecourtshipprocess.Ifyourenotgoingtomarrythisperson,dont
carryonwithit.Ifyoudontknowwhetheryouregoingtogetmarried,
yourestealingwhatonlyhisorherspousedeserves.Stoprightnow.Have
somedistance.Thendecideatime,prayandcometoadecision.Ifoneof
yousaysno,thesameprincipleapplies;itstopsthere.Ifoneofyousays
yesandtheothersaysmaybe,prolongtheprocess.Ifbothsayyes,talkto
someoneandgetsomeaccountabilitytokeepthatlineuntilmarriageas
muchaspossible.
4. Doyousuggestthatpeoplefromourchurchmarryeachother?
a. Wholeheartedly.Yes.Iwishyouwouldallmarryeachother.Otherthan
personality,whichcanbeopposite,itsbesttohaveasmuchas
commonalityaspossible.LetssayyougrewupinachurchinCalifornia,
andtheotherpersongrewupinachurchinNewYork.Youhavea
differentstyleoffaith,differentprinciples,allthesethings."Whatisyour
heartmotive?""Huh?"Ifyougrewupinthesamechurch,CFC,itsso
mucheasier.Themoresimilarities,whethereconomic,cultural,whatever,
theeasier.Ofcourse,personalitiescanbedifferenttocomplementeach
other.Iwishyouwouldmarryeachother.WhyamIsostrictaboutdating
relationships?Iwantthebestforyou.Iwantyoutobefantasticmomsand
dads.
III. Conclusion
A. WhatImsuggestingtodayisaculturalthing.Imsensitivetoculture.Butwhatweare
suggestingstillkeepsthelineofbrotherhoodandsisterhood.Itdoesnotgooverthe
biblicalline.Whateverwayyoufollow,makesureyoudontcrossthatline.Respectthe
culture.Butthisisthemodelwearesuggesting.Thinkaboutit.Itllhelpyousomuch.
Imhighlysuggestingthebook,ChoosingGodsBest.Ithasalotofpracticalprinciples.I
disagreewithsomeofthedetails.Forexample,hesuggeststoomuchphysical
involvement.Butitllhelpyouifyouthinkabouttheseprinciples.Itllsavealotof
heartachesandheadachesinyourlife.Youcannotgoovertheline.TheBibleclearly
saysthat.Untilthen,prepareyourself.BeamanorwomanofGodwhootherswill
pursueandchaseafter.Prepareyourself.Grow,loveGod,studyhard,workhard,serve
theLord.IfyouseekHiskingdomandHisrighteousness,everythingelsewillbeadded.
Godlovesyourlifemorethanyoudo.Godismoreconcernedaboutyouthanyouare.
DoyoutrustinGod?AreyouaChristian?DoyoureallybelieveinChristssovereignty
andconcernandcareforyou?Whenyouaresoworriedthatithindersyou,itsan
 embarrassmentanddisrespecttoGodssovereignloveforus.LetstrustintheLordwith
allofyourhearts,andleannotonourownunderstanding.AcknowledgeHiminallour
waysandHewillleadusonthestraight,obedient,blessingpath.LetspraytotheLord
andprepareourhearts.
B. Someofyouaresoworriedandconcerned:HowintheworldwillIfindsomeone?The
olderyouget,themoreworriedyouare.Ibelievethatisaninsulttothesovereigngrace
andloveofourGod.HepromisesinScriptureifyouseekfirstHiskingdomandHis
righteousness,allthesethingswillbeaddedtoyou.Thatswhywesing,InHisTime.In
Yourtime,notinmytime.Repentforyourarroganceandpridethinkingyouknow
betterthanGodstiming.Lord,mylifeisinYourtime.Helovesyourlifemorethanyou,
doyouknowthat?TrustintheLordwithallyourheart,andleannotonyourown
understanding.AcknowledgeHiminallyourwaysandHewillleadyoualongthe
straight,obedientpath.WeneedtotrustHim,saintsofGod,wedonttacklethislike
peoplewhodontknowtheLord.WehaveaheavenlyFatherwhowillnotgiveastone
whenweaskforbread.EverygoodandperfectgiftcomesfromtheFatheroflights,who
doesnotchangelikeshiftingshadows.KeepservingtheLord.Justgrowandseekfirst
HiskingdomandHisrighteousness.Lettheotherpersonworryaboutyou;youdont
havetoworry.YoukeepgrowingandservingtheLord.Letusprayandgetridofour
worldlyworries,theworriesofthislifethatconsumeusandchokeussothattheWord
ofGoddoesnotgrow.MaywebeundividedtotheLord.Helldotherest.OurFather
knowshowtotakecareofhischildren.LetstrustinHim,saintsofGodandproveHis
lovetotheworld.
C. WearehavingcommuniontodaybecauseLentiscomingup.ThisyearIwasthinking
aboutwhatkindofattitudeandheartshouldIhave.Ireallywantedtocheckinmyheart,
whetherIreallylovedGod.Thatsoundssosimple,butsomanytimesweareinlove
withwhatHegivesandwhatHedoesthatweforgettofallinlovewithHim.Thatwas
theaccusationofSatanaboutJob."YouknowwhyhelovesYou?BecauseYougivehim
goodthings."Jobprovedhimself;whenGodtookitallaway,Jobsaid,"ThoughHeslay
me,IwillyetpraiseHim."DoIreallyloveGodorjustthethingsHegives?Iwas
thinkingaboutministry.AmIinlovewithministryorwithGod?AmIinlovewiththe
thingsministrygivesadmiration,respect,enjoymentfrompreaching?Thus,the
questionis"AmIinlovewithmyselforwithGod?"Ivereadanarticlewherethispastor
losthisvoicesohecouldntpreachanymore.CouldheloveGodwithoutbeingableto
preach?CanIreallyloveGodwithoutpreaching?Onhisdeathbed,hesaid,"Godis
good,"andhedied.Whentherewasnoreason,whenGodtookeverythingaway,even
hisabilitytopreach,hewasabletopraiseHim.WhatifGodtakesawaymyprivilegeto
preach?WhatifHetakesawayCFC,sothatImnolongerapastor?WhatifHesays,
"StepdownfromCFC.Goaway.Dontbeinthepastorateanymore."WillIstilllove
GodandserveHim?Ialwaysusedtobeafraid,thinking,"WhatifGoddoesntuseme?
WhatifIfallaway?"Thesedays,Imnotafraidofthatanymore.IfHedoesntuseme,I
dontcare,becauseImstillgoingtoserveHim.IdontcareifHeacceptsmyserviceor
not.IllbeveryhappyjustservingifIdonthavetopreach,beapastor,anything.Illbe
happy.IreallywanttocheckwhetherIminlovewithGodorthethingsHegives.Some
ofyoumightbeinlovewithHisloveforyou.Youneedtobecarefulandcheckyour
heart.AreyouinlovewithHisloveforyouorwithHim?ThatswhatIwanttocheck
 thisLent.Youcangiveupsomefruitandvisiblethingsbutmakesureyoucheck
whetheryouareinlovewithGod.Ifnot,oneofthesedayswhenHetakesthosethings
away,youllfall.Aswecometothetableandtakecommunion,letsprepareourselvesfor
thesefortydaystowalkwithChrist.Letsprayforafewminutesandprepareourselves.
SuggestedClosingSong:
TheseThingsAreTrueofYou

"