ENVY By Dennis Palumbo

Press Photo Credit: Provided by Author

I want to talk about something nobody wants to talk about. No, not money, religion or politics. But
something much more problematic, the bane of every writers existence. Envy.
Im thinking about a patient of mine, a mystery author that Ive been seeing for some months.
Despite the gains hes made in therapy, he felt his work was continually undermined by his envy of other
writers.
He told me he had to stop reading his Authors Guild bulletin, as well as publishing websites,
because seeing the deals being made by other writers angered and deflated him. Hed grown increasingly
self-critical about his work habitsnormally a source of pride and satisfactionsince hearing rumors
about a best-selling authors penchant for knocking out a new thriller every six months. It had reached a point where
learning of a friends having lunch with a potential new agent could trigger a depression.
None of these feelings were unfamiliar to me. During my former career as a Hollywood screenwriter, it seemed as though
envy was the unspoken constant in almost every conversation with other writers. The dirty little secret of the writing life.
Except it was the worst-kept secret Id ever known.
For some, of course, hearing of anothers success can be a spur to greater efforts. An example of what can be accomplished
with hard work and tenacity. But for others, the result can be a crippling paralysis.
It took me a long time to understand, and to accept, that envy is a natural by-product of the achieving life. Throughout
our childhood experiences in our families, and then our schools, and ultimately in the adult world, we strive to achieve in a
matrix of others who strive to achievesuch that comparison is not only inevitable, but often the only standard by which to
measure that achievement.
With time and maturity, we hopefully develop the self-awareness (and self-acceptance) to measure ourselves by more
internal monitors; to enjoy the expression of our creative talents for their own sake.
But we also live in the real world and need the validation of that world. For a writer in a commercial marketplace, that
means enduring intense competition and the almost daily spectacle of others enjoying extravagant rewards, like fame and
money, all while negotiating the often gut-wrenching peaks and valleys of ones own career.
In other words, that means living with envy.
The key to surviving envy, as is the case with all feelings, is to acknowledge it. By that, Im not referring merely to the fact
that youre envious, but also the meaning that you give to it.
For example, if a writer sees envy as a sign of some kind of moral lapse or character weaknessa view possibly engendered

The key to surviving envy,

as is the case with all feelings, is to acknowledge it.
SuspenseMagazine.com 11
 You can deny your envy,
or use it to
re-double your efforts.
and reinforced in childhoodthe effect on his or her work
can be quite debilitating.
Equally harmful is seeing your envy as a disparaging
comment on your work, a confirmation of a lack of faith in
your own writing. If I let myself feel envy, one patient told
me, it means I dont believe in the possibility of my own
success.
Another patient bravely insisted that envy is counter-
productive. So terrified of anything that might derail his
firmly held belief in positive thinking, the meaning he gave
to envyas well as any other negative emotionwas of an
insidious obstacle on the tracks of his forward momentum.
Only by investigating what envy means to us can we
risk acknowledging it. The plain fact is, its just a feeling, like
other feelingswhich means its simply information, merely
data about whats going on inside of us.
If nothing else, envy informs us of how important our
goals are. It reminds us of the reasons we undertook the
creative life in the first place, and challenges us to commit
once more to its rigors and rewards.
Moreover, in my own case, I find that Im rarely troubled
by envy if Im writing well, if Im truly engaged with my
current project. When Im fully caught by what Im working
on, intrusive thoughts about the creative and/or career
triumphs of others usually dont enter my mind. (Usually.)
So the choice is yours. You can deny your envy, or use
it to re-double your efforts. You can talk it to death among
your friends (also a great procrastination ploy, by the way),
or you can suffer in silence. Or, hopefully, you can accept it
with humor and self-acknowledgment, and perhaps explore
what its meaning is for you.
But one thing I know for sure. For a writer, to coin a
phrase, nothings certain in life except death and taxes. And
envy.

Formerly a Hollywood screenwriter (My Favorite Year;

Welcome Back, Kotter, etc.), Dennis Palumbo is now a licensed
psychotherapist and author. His mystery fiction has appeared
in Ellery Queens Mystery Magazine, The Strand and elsewhere,
and is collected in From Crime to Crime (Tallfellow Press).
His acclaimed series of crime novels (Mirror Image, Fever
Dream, Night Terrors and the latest, Phantom Limb) feature
psychologist Daniel Rinaldi, a trauma expert who consults with
the Pittsburgh Police.
For more info, please visit www.dennispalumbo.com.

12 Suspense Magazine May / June 2017 / Vol. 076