CoDA Gold Coast Focus Group

18th April 2009

ACCEPTANCE
From - SYDNEY SATURDAY FOCUS GROUP 3rd NOVEMBER 2007

ACCEPTANCE

As we break through our denial, were better able to determine the degree of our problem. We
recognize our denial as a symptom of codependence and see it as a process that continually
emerges, subsides and evolves throughout our lives.

As we continue our recovery in CoDA, we replace denial with acceptance. We progressively

embrace our past and current life with honesty, openness and a willingness to change. We move
beyond denial and identify the harm our codependent decisions and behaviours have caused us
personally, as well as our families, careers, physical health, and spirituality. We see how
codependence has allowed us to become trapped in unhealthy situations and relationships. It
affects every aspect of our lives. As we see our direction more clearly, we recognize that our
journey is not advanced by force, will, intellect or even strength of character. At some point, most
of us acknowledge a Higher Power as the guide on our journey, the source of our progress. We
may become more aware that were on a spiritual journey.

We know were not alone, when we accept our codependence. Together, were learning how to
love and be loved, and how to live life rather than merely survive it. Recovery in CoDA is an
ongoing process. Its a life that constantly challenges us. Recovery isnt earned like a merit
badge; its a way of living that evolves with us every day.

All journeys begin with the first step. Our journey of personal recovery in CoDA begins with the
CoDA first step of admission and acceptance.

Step One We admitted we were powerless over others that our lives had become
unmanageable.

By exploring the powerlessness of our childhood and the unmanageability of our adult lives, we
come to understand more about our personal heritage, our denial of codependence fades, our
acceptance increases, we become able to see our destructive behaviours, and we open the door to
possible solutions. We admit that our best efforts in these areas have failed, and that we need
greater help than our own limited abilities can provide. From this position of admission and
acceptance we are ready to reach for the help of a Power greater than ourselves to restore us to
sanity.

Promise Five: I know a new love and acceptance of myself and others. I feel genuinely
lovable, loving and loved.

FROM SHAME TO ACCEPTANCE

Many of us have experienced life as a series of manoeuvres to avoid feelings of shame. Even
when we constructed elaborate walls to protect us from the scrutiny of others, an inadvertent
slight by another could crush our defences and send us in to a tailspin of fear and shame.
Working the first five Steps of the CoDA program has helped us to see some of these patterns.

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Step six offers us a beginning to replace our wall of shame with the painless protection of
acceptance.

My Body:
o I love and accept my body just as it is right now.

My emotions:
o I accept, own, and experience all my feelings.
o I have the ability to accept and to give love.

My spirit:
o I choose to accept and to feel my Higher Powers unconditional love.

My integrity:
Many of us spent a lifetime giving away our power to others. Often we lost the inborn sense of
what was rightfully ours our personal integrity sometimes mistaking our lack of boundaries
for gentleness, acceptance, and love.

In CoDA we learned that the love we were seeking would come from self-acceptance and
self-nurturance. These were the avenues we must travel in order to regain our birthright
knowledge of our wholeness.

SELF-ACCEPTANCE, SELF-LOVE, SELF-ESTEEM:

After completing our Fourth Step inventory, many of us were surprised to discover how little self-
worth we really had. Some of us found that deep within there was a belief that we had no reason
to be alive, no right to exist. We avoided life with the help of substances such as drugs, alcohol,
and food. We lost ourselves in a variety of activities relationships, sex, work, shopping,
exercising, and gambling. Some of us managed to avoid living by using diversions such as
excessive meditation, celibacy, or even television-watching.

Having taken our Fifth Step, many of us learned that much of what we thought was true about
ourselves and about living was someone else opinion, an opinion we hadnt thought to question.
We were misguided not worthless, and we had developed character defects in order to live with
self-damaging beliefs about who were and what we thought we were like.

(from CoDA Making Choices booklet)

After working the first five Steps of the CoDA program we knew that it was not our job to
struggle with our old ideas. That was Gods business. In this case, our contribution would be a
fourfold process:
to acknowledge our awareness of the old beliefs;
to admit our uncomfortable feelings about these beliefs;
to make the decision to accept our feelings about them; and
to take action by exercising our ability TO CHOOSE new beliefs using whatever tools the
program presented, in this case, positive statements about ourselves.
(from CoDA Making Choices booklet)

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THE SERENITY PRAYER
The Serenity Prayer expresses our awareness that recovery is about living life as it unfolds. These
simple phrases affirm that our recovery is lived one moment, one decision, one day at a time:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

With the help of a loving Higher Power, the program of Co-dependents Anonymous, and those
who join us on this journey, each of us can experience the hope of recovery. We find the
willingness to change, grow, and evolve toward the positive, loving potential that lies within us.
Through the guidance of our Higher Power, the program of Co-Dependents Anonymous, and the
CoDA family, each of us can experience the hope of recovery and a life filled with peace and joy.

(from The CoDA Book)

and acceptance is the answer to all my problems today.

When I am disturbed it is because I find some person, place, thing or
situation - some fact of my life unacceptable to me and I can find no
serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly
the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely happens in Gods world by mistake. Until I could accept
my codependence, I could not begin to have healthy relationships; unless I
accept life completely on lifes terms, I cannot be happy.

I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world

as what needs to be changed in me and my attitudes.

Adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book page 449