Birds of Paradise

By: Jasmine Contile

I drove to the flower shop a block away from the cemetery. After parking, I go in to buy a
bouquet of Birds of Paradise. The flower shop owner greeted me, her usual helpful smile on her
face. How did she stay so happy knowing most of her sales were to grieving families buying
flowers to put beside a tombstone? She recognized me because Id been coming here ever since I
got my license a year ago.
Howve you been? She asked as she rang up the flowers.
Ive been okay, how bout you? I said before getting a twenty dollar bill out of my
pocket.
Ive been good, Im working on arrangements for a big wedding, so thats exciting, She
explained.
Good, Im happy for you, I smiled. Good luck.
Thanks, She said and passed me the flowers and my change. Hey, dont you usually
get roses?
I was surprised she noticed, but I always told her I got roses just because, and I guess
the girl in the flower shop must have started remembering it somewhere along the way. But
today was her birthday, December 3rd, so I wanted to get her favorite.
Yeah, I do, but I figured Id switch it up, I said vaguely. It was hard enough to talk
about it to a family member or close friend, let alone a stranger.
I left my car parked and walked across the street to the cemetery before clumsily tip
toeing around multiple graves. I finally found her rounded tombstone, her name and dates of
birth and death written at the top, with the words loving mother, sister, grandmother, and
friend written underneath. I laid my back on it and placed the flowers against the side. This was
one of the things I had promised myself I would do before graduation. I came here often,
sometimes to write, sometimes to cry and sometimes to let myself go, sometimes to ask her why
the hell she left; but it was always silent.
But I needed to catch her up; she deserved to know what wed all been up to.
 Hey Nonna, I said, wishing she was just here. Then I just spoke, about everything she
needed to know.
*****
When my youngest sister was born it was bittersweet; my Nonnas boyfriend, who
became like a grandpa to me, was there but she wasnt. Then we named her Annie and called her
Ann in honor of our Nonna, and my other sister and I jokingly said we were going to change our
middle names to match hers. We wanted some kind of everlasting remembrance of Ann, so what
was better than a name? My mom refused of course since she loved our names the way they
were, but we almost convinced her to change our names a few times. As time went on it was
almost like the name made her just like our Nonna who she never got to meet.
Nonnas boyfriend, John, had known me since I was seven But I didn't see him very often
when she was alive and they were together, so when she passed away we grew closer since he
still wanted to be part of our lives. When my baby sister was born he was brought into her life as
Grandpa, and we called him the same.
My throat burned as I started to speak.
Annie is doing good, she's already six years old. Can you believe that? Shes going into
first grade already. She's so smart too, she'll do great. She's happy as ever, and she sees your
house everyday on the drive to school.
I felt my voice breaking, I took a deep breath before trying to stop my eyes from getting
teary.
I miss coming to your house. . . I feel sick everytime I look in the driveway and your car
isnt there, I admitted.
My other sister, Aubrey, was eleven and was going into middle school. Their birthdays
were next month and they would be the last birthdays Id spend with them before going to
college.
Anyways, Aubrey is going to the middle school by our house. Its definitely different
from mine:its so much bigger and traditional . But I think shell do well in public school, other
than partying of course. I know you never got to see my middle school, but John and I found out
its where his old middle school used to be. How funny is that?
 Speaking of John, Im sure youre wondering about him. Hes doing good, we just went
to dinner last week. We talked about everything. We spent a long time talking about you. He
misses you so much, I can see it in his eyes when he says your name. He just went to Vegas for
the weekend, he said he wished you couldve been there with him.
His sons are doing good, he has three grandsons now and the youngest just turned one.
Theyre so much bigger and heavier than Annie even though hes younger. We always call her
chicken legs since shes so tiny still. But anyways, John helped a lot with helping me pull the
money together for college applications. I dont know if you even asked him to help us so much
before you. . . you know. But hes helped a lot. More than I couldve asked or expected him to.
John and Ann met when they were young, and they had that forever love where they
always came back to each other no matter what. Because they were so young, they did go off to
have their own families. John married and had three sons, his first wife passed away, too. Ann
had one son and one daughter before she divorced their father. Both eventually found each other
again, him with his sons and then she had her son and her daughter with her ex husband. But
eventually they found each other again, and when they did they probably fell more in love than
they had the first time.
They took trips and went to dinners, they shopped together for Christmas presents for
their grandkids and spent every lunch break from work together that they could. Over the
weekends they would go to Las Vegas, which is why he missed having her there, theyd stay at
the MGM, their favorite hotel. After swimming and drinking, theyd order room service and go
to different shows if there was anything good. They enjoyed each others company so much,
whatever time they werent spending with their kids and grandkids or working they spent with
each other. It was the kind of love you looked up to. It was the kind of love that lived on despite
one of them not living.
It was easy to talk like this so far, I just went one by one, person by person listing off
their lives to her.
Grandma Steph helped too, shes been doing good. I know you miss my moms side of
the family too since you were all good friends. She loves being retired and cant stop bragging
about it. She just likes rubbing it in my moms face, she did work for 33 years though, so I dont
see why she shouldnt be allowed to. Shes been telling me all these stories about living in Peru
and Puerto Rico. Ive been thinking about writing them down because I want to know the exact
cities she lived in so I can visit them. Like for one of my classes last year, I wrote a short story on
how she was body surfing during a crazy storm. I already know exactly what youd say, youd
tell me not to and that its dangerous. But Id be lying if I said it didnt sound like a total blast.
My grandma Steph on my moms side had a pretty adventurous life. Her ex husband
came to the U.S. from Peru on a student visa. Once he graduated high school, he and my
grandma went back to Peru while he continued to work on getting his full citizenship. They had
their first son in Puerto Rico where they lived for five years, and their son had dual citizenship. I
met a lot of my Peruvian family two summers ago, I met my cousins who were all months within
my age; one of them was even born minutes after I was at the same hospital. It was a freak
coincidence, but thats just how big the family was.
Grandma Steph and John are also trying to get us to Disneyland eventually, so that
should be fun, I have grad night but I still want to go with everyone in our family before I
graduate. They do a lot of things like that, planning little things for us to do and coordinating
presents. They get along so well and have you to thank for that; you brought them together as
really great friends. All of us always have a good time together, but itd be even better and
completed if you were here too.
I think they want to do this trip because Im not sure Im staying in California, and Im
not going to Florida, so I wont have Disney for quite a while. Its something I think they want to
do because theyve been planning it for so long, but also because itd be our last trip before I
leave. My moms still struggling with the thought of me leaving, I think, but she has two little
birdies still years away from leaving her nest.
Thats the thing, Im going to be out of here soon. Every memory I wanted you a part of
you werent physically there. I want you to help me pick which school I go to, which dress I
bought for prom, I want you on that last Disney trip with me. I miss you and I could say that a
million times and it wouldnt be any less true. Its so true. I missed you on my sixteenth birthday,
Ive missed you every birthday, every Christmas, every Easter. I know those two holidays were
your favorite. I miss you every time I see Birds of Paradise, or a Louis Vuitton bag. Which by the
way, I finally got the one you left me, thank you. I havent used it, not because I dont love it, but
because it still smells like you when I open it. I dont want to lose your scent if I start to fill it
with my own instead. But I am wearing your earrings to prom, and I wear your hoodie all the
time.
I just came here to talk to you because I love you, we all love you and miss you so much.
I just wanted to tell you that every big event or moment of our lives has made us think of you and
made us want to tell you. I just wanted to tell you that every big, life changing decision Ive made
my senior year Ive taken what I thought your opinion would be into consideration too. Itd be
easier to just ask you, I know thats what both of us would rather have. But still, when I find
myself lost or stuck on how to decide something, the last question I ask is what youd want or
support the most. Of course, theres a simple answer; your answer.
Your answer would just be whatever makes us happy. And I promise you when I say, I
think were all the happiest we can be with the exception of you not being here too. We all love
you, and we all feel like the luckiest people alive to have been loved by you. Ill come and visit
soon, Ill tell you more about John, Steph, my sisters, my mom, me. . . you dont know what Id
do to hug you one more time just before I went to college.
Tears slipped from my eyes that Id tried so hard to contain.
I promised myself I wasnt going to do this, but I do anyways, I said with a small laugh
and wiped them away. Apparently Im starting to remind John of you, actually, a lot of people
that knew you are starting to say Im a lot like you. I always take it as a compliment, as I should.
I did, and still do, want to be like you.
My phone buzzed in my pocket before I lifted it to see John calling, I put him on speaker,
as if maybe Ann could hear him.
Hey grandpa, I said with a smile, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes as I finally
stopped crying.
Hey kid! I was gonna pick your sisters up from school, and your mom was gonna meet
us somewhere for dinner. Any ideas? He asked.
I looked over at the Birds of Paradise before shrugging my shoulders, Cheesecake
Factory? In the room with the paintings on the ceiling?
 Anns favorite, I can never say no to that, He said with a chuckle.
Okay great, Ill head over right now and get us a good table, I told him.
Thanks Hayley! See you in a few, He said.
See you soon, I said before hanging up.
I turned back to the tombstone and the flowers, You hear that? Im thinking Ill get all
your favorites tonight. Other than a pina colada of course.
I really do miss you. I can promise on anything a day hasnt gone by where I havent
thought of you, where I havent missed you or driving to school with you in the morning and
staying at your house. Or going to Vegas with you and John. But there also hasnt been a day
where I havent been grateful for every moment Ive ever shared with you, and I dont feel so sad
thinking about you anymore because I know you wouldnt want me to. Even though thats easier
said than done. I promise Ill come visit soon, but you know how hungry John must be if he
agreed to a big dinner like this. I love you.
I kissed my fingertips and pressed them against the cool stone. My legs felt stiff, and the
sun had already been setting. I took one last look behind me and cried, I just told her I wasnt so
sad anymore, so why was I still breaking down?
I told myself that by the time I was in my car I needed to stop crying, this isnt what she
wanted me or anyone else she cared about to be doing or feeling. I walked back to the flower
shop before getting in my car. I started up the car and played her Celine Dion album. I hummed
along with the songs as I drove over to the restaurant before parking and sitting down at a table
big enough for all of us.
Mine, Johns, my moms and sisters tradition on this day was to go to one of her favorite
places for dinner, then go to one of our houses and decorate for Christmas, since it was her
favorite holiday and it was perfect timing for being right near her birthday. The night went just
like that, and it went well. We all had a good time, my mom and I cried like we did every year,
then I cried more realizing itd be my last year celebrating her with them and not alone.

****
 When graduation rolled around, I went to lunch with my entire family right after. We sat
at a table and talked and told stories. No tears, I was determined to keep it that way, but highly
doubted it would happen. We ate and talked.
Then my Grandpa and Grandma hit their glass with their spoon like we were in some
cheesy movie, and Grandma Steph said, We were told many, many, many years ago to relay a
certain message from a special someone when you graduated.
All eyes were on her, and John looked at her before whispering, Whos going to read
it? before they decided to each read half.
Grandma Steph started;
Dear Hayley,
Im truly sorry I cant be there in person to read this to you right now-
She stopped herself and wiped tears.
Oh god, really? I said, instantly feeling tears fall from my eyes, we both laughed a
little. Grandma Steph could never hold a long conversation about Ann without laughing because
of a funny story about her, or crying because we all missed her so damn much. But just for me,
knowing who the letter was from made it so bittersweet, and not knowing if Id be able to get
through the whole thing was something wed find out sooner rather than later.
I can read it if you want, John offered, she passed it to him and thanked him before he
picked up where she left off;
But I hope you know that somehow Im there with you, and that I was there making
noise in the stands of your graduation with air horns and lots of yelling We all laughed a little,
thats exactly something shed do. I want to see you and everyone else so much, but what I want
more is for you to be happy wherever you go in life. Theres a gut feeling Ive always had that
you are going to pack up for your dream school within the next couple of months and youre
going to do amazing. I know youre going to fulfill your own dreams, and I know youre always
going to make me proud. I want you to never doubt yourself and always remember how happy
you always made me just by being you. Tell Steph, John, and your mom to give you big hugs and
kisses from me. I miss you lots.
 John pointed to the last little part of the letter for Steph to read, You wanna finish it
off?
Sure I think I can read this part, she said and we laughed.
Love always, your Nonna, Ann.
We all cried a little and I got up to hug John and Grandma Steph. They gave me the letter
I put it in my purse, I knew this would be something I could take to college with me and read
whenever I needed to.
I love you guys, I said. Thanks for making it possible for me to go to a school Im
already in love with, and never failing to support me or make me happy. I promise to call you all
lots and send you pictures all the time.
Dont start with those promises we still have a couple months before we go over how
often youre required to call me, my mom joked and we laughed.
I wanted to make them all proud, which is why I was going to make the most of all of our
time, our money, our energy and put my all into my college education. Which wouldnt be hard,
I was already so excited. The hardest thing about it would be missing them; but at the end of the
day, theyre not going to want me to focus on missing them.
I think if losing my Nonna taught me anything, it that its better to treasure memories
rather than miss them. It also taught me to always find the light in every bad situation,
friendships and relationships were formed that might not have been because of how everyone
pulled together when we lost her. Id always had my Grandma Steph, but ultimately began
appreciating her more after losing my Nonna so suddenly. There was not one, but two lights at
the end of the tunnel for me: John, who I can barely remember a day without, and grandma
Steph, who grew closer to me than I even thought possible. Between them, my mom, and Nonna,
I was raised to believe that with their support, I could and would do anything.