bind f1 "say I was offered sex with a 21 year old girl today.

In exchange, I was
supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because
I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as
Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or
vanilla."
bind f2 "say Is this incest? Okay, I don't know if this is actually incest since it
wasn't something actually sexual in the technical sense but here goes. When I was
little my mom used to put a buttplug in me (which she called a poop plug) and I'd
wear it all the time. I was told only to take it out to poop, wipe my ***, then put
it back in. I was really young so I thought this was just something everybody did
but one time at school I dropped it when I flushed the toilet and it ended up
getting flushed. So when I went back to class I told my teacher that my poop plug
got flushed down the toilet. She had no idea what I was talking about so she sent
me to the school nurse. Well after trying to explain what a poop plug was for 15
minutes the school calls the police. The police ask me all these questions and at
first I'm scared because I think I'm in trouble for losing my poop plug. Turns out
my mom has schizophrenia and was making me wear this ********* so Satan couldn't
stick his cock in my pooper and make me gay."
bind f3"say You wanna know what the dumbest creature on this fucking planet is?
Moths. Let me tell you how fucking dumb these idiots are. They are nocturnal
meaning they only come out at night but when they do they are attracted to light.
Let that sink in. They come out in the dark... and the obsess over light. You
fucking morons, haven't you heard of this thing called the sun? God I hate those
stupid motherfuckers."
bind f4 "say How exactly does one get pussy while living at the white house as a
teenage boy? The secret service always cock blocking you. when you're trying to run
game on some foreign prime ministers daughter the news media catches you smiling at
her and immediately blows shit out if proportion speculating that you are somehow
breaking international law with your awkward teenage flirting, so you have to
testify before congress that you didn't give away any top secret documents to her
and are made to admit live on C-SPAN that you've never even kissed a girl . Then
you get blue balls from some hot conservative girl winking at you and flashing her
panties under her skirt and making sexy faces and blow job motions to you while you
were going through some airport or public event, and when you passed by and shook
her hand she leans in whispering she is going to diddle her clit thinking about you
tonight and how much she wants to suck your dick off, just to fuck with you. Then
you try to look up some porn when you get home just to relieve the tension but you
just know the CIA is monitoring and 3 other govornment agencies are watching you
beat off. Then you finally break down and Jack off in the shower which sets off
some fucking biohazard drain alarm and the entire place is on lock down until they
can find the source of the specimen and you end up getting debriefed by the joint
chiefs of staff about your masturbatory habits and how you almost created a
national security issue with your dick. Then wikileaks leaks your search history
showing you looked up penis enlargement techniques when it was actually just some
click bait you'd accidentally clicked and TYT spends all next week talking about
your supposed micro penis. So you end up squirming a little since you are so wound
up and being judged constantly and now people are saying you look like a fucking
mental patient and you start to think you'll never get any pussy."
bind f5 "say I'm Harambe, and this is my zoo enclosure. I work here with my zoo
keeper and my friend, cecil the lion. Everything in here has a story and a price.
One thing I've learned after 21 years - you never know WHO is gonna come over that
fence."
bind f6 "say What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch?
Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and Ive been
involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed
kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and Im the top sniper in the entire US
armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the
fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this
Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to
me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret
network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better
prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing
you call your life. Youre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can
kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only
am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal
of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your
miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could
have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment was about to bring
down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnt, you
didnt, and now youre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all
over you and you will drown in it. Youre fucking dead, kiddo."
bind f7 "say You're trained in "gorilla" warfare? Is that when you beat someone to
death with a banana? It's spelled guerilla you fucking moron."
bind f8 "say What in Davy Jones locker did ye just bark at me, ye scurvy bilgerat?
Ill have ye know I be the meanest cutthroat on the seven seas, and Ive led
numerous raids on fishing villages, and raped over 300 wenches. I be trained in
hit-and-run pillaging and be the deadliest with a pistol of all the captains on the
high seas. Ye be nothing to me but another source o swag. Ill have yer guts for
garters and keel haul ye like never been done before, hear me true. You think ye
can hide behind your newfangled computing device? Think twice on that, scallywag.
As we parley I be contacting my secret network o pirates across the sea and yer
port is being tracked right now so ye better prepare for the typhoon, weevil. The
kind o monsoon thatll wipe ye off the map. Youre sharkbait, fool. I can sail
anywhere, in any waters, and can kill ye in oer seven hundred ways, and that be
just with me hook and fist. Not only do I be top o the line with a cutlass, but I
have an entire pirate fleet at my beck and call and Ill damned sure use it all to
wipe yer arse off o the world, ye dog. If only ye had had the foresight to know
what devilish wrath your jibe was about to incur, ye might have belayed the
comment. But ye couldnt, ye didnt, and now yell pay the ultimate toll, you
buffoon. Ill shit fury all over ye and yell drown in the depths o it. Youre
fish food now."
bind f9 "say What the desu did you just fucking desu about me, you little desu?
Ill have you know I graduated top of my desu in the Navy Desus, and Ive been
involved in numerous secret desus on Al-Desu, and I have over 300 confirmed desus.
I am trained in desu warfare and Im the top desu in the entire US armed desu. You
are nothing to me but just another desu. I will desu you the fuck out with desu the
likes of which has never been seen before on this desu, mark my fucking desu. You
think you can get away with saying that desu to me over the desu? Think again,
desu. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of desu across the USA and your
desu is being traced right now so you better prepare for the spam, maggot. The spam
that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your desu. Youre fucking desu,
kid. I can be desu, desu, and I can desu you in over desu ways, and thats just
with my bare desu. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed desu, but I have
access to the entire arsenal of the United States Desu and I will use it to its
full extent to wipe your miserable desu off the face of the desu, you little desu.
If only you could have known what unholy desu your little desu comment was about
to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking desu. But you desu,
you desu, and now youre desu, you goddamn desu. I will shit desu all over you and
you will drown in it. Youre fucking desu, kiddo."
bind f10 "say What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little shit?
Ill have you know I graduated top of Japan and Im responsible for heart attacks
of criminals world wide, and I have 124,925 confirmed kills. I trained myself to be
the best in a battle of wits and Im the god of this new world. You are nothing to
me but just another name. I will wipe you the fuck out in a method that you cant
even comprehend, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that
shit to me over the internet? Think again fucker. As we speak I am contacting all
my followers and your personal file is being brought to my location right now so
you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic
little thing you call your life. Youre fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere,
anytime and kill you in over 2 million differant ways, and thats just with my
notebook. Not only am I extensively trained in finding out your name, but I have
access to the entire arsenal of over 30 thousand world wild followers and I will
use them to their full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of this
continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what holy retribution your
little clever statement was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would of held
you fucking tounge. But you couldnt, you didnt, and now youre paying the price,
you god damn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. Youre
fucking dead, kiddo."
bind f11 "say What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch.
Ill have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the
smell of wet pussy. I was getting a blowjob from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash),
one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was
choking halfway on my 18 and 3\8 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was
convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were
on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart
of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best orgasm, then multiply it by 35. I
had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet
parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind
you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and
was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone
in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will
kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000
sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a
network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold
plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I
became captain of our bases football team and starter of the basketball team. I
got straight As on the military entrance exams and received more awards.
Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese
people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to
sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and
I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Dont be a stranger and remember, I did
more in one day than you will your entire life."
bind f12 "say What the swag did you just fucking yolo about me, you little wayne?
Ill have you know I graduated top of my class in the SwagFags, and Ive been
involved in numerous Obey Records , and I have over 300 confirmed Swaggers. I am
trained in wearing snapbacks and Im the top poser in the entire Swagfag Army. You
are nothing to me but just another No swag. I will swag you the fuck out with
swagger the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my
fucking hashtags. You think you can get away with not taking pictures in the mirror
over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my mom, she has
alot of swag, and your ratchet ass is being traced right now so you better prepare
for the yolo, nikka. The yolo that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call
your swag. Youre fucking dead, nikka. I can swag anywhere, anytime, and I can swag
in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my baggy skinny jeans. Not only am
I extensively trained in having plugs and snake bites, but I have access to the
entire Hollister store. and I will use it to its full swaggness to wipe your
miserable swag off the face of tumblr, you little Non trend follower. I will swag
yolo all over you and you will swag in it. Youre fucking dead, nikka."
bind f "say What the fuck did you just fucking say about my gear, you little n00b?
Ill have you know I am a lvl 90 Undead Arcane Mage, and Ive won so many PVP
matches, and I have done raids on every 10 man heroic dungeon. I also have a
fuckton of macros and I have a GS of 10K. You are nothing to me but just a lvl 12
gnome hunter. I will pwn the fuck out of you with Arcane Missiles the likes of
which has never been seen before on Azeroth AND Outland, mark my fucking words. You
think you can get away with saying that shit to me over raid? Think again, fucker.
As we speak I am contacting my guild of mages and shamans across The Eastern
Kingdoms and your character is being targeted right now so you better prepare for
the ownage, n00b. The Arcane Barrage that wipes out the pathetic little thing you
call your character. Youre fucking pwnd, n00b. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I
can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and thats just with my secondary talent
tree. Not only am I extensively trained in Arcane magic, but I have access to the
entire arsenal of Fire magic and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your
miserable neckbeard off the face of Azeroth, you little faggot. If only you could
have known what unholy retribution your little clever comment was about to bring
down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldnt, you
didnt, and now youre getting debuffed, you goddamnn00b. I will shit Dragons
Breath all over you and you will burn in it. Youre fucking pwnd, faggot."
bind f "say What the fuck did you just fucking type about me, you little bitch?
Ill have you know I graduated top of my class at MIT, and Ive been involved in
numerous secret raids with Anonymous, and I have over 300 confirmed DDoSes. I am
trained in online trolling and Im the top hacker in the entire world. You are
nothing to me but just another virus host. I will wipe you the fuck out with
precision the likes of which has never been seen before on the Internet, mark my
fucking words. You think you can get away with typing that shit to me over the
Internet? Think again, fucker. As we chat over IRC I am tracing your IP with my
damn bare hands so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes
out the pathetic little thing you call your computer. Youre fucking dead, kid. I
can be anywhere, anytime, and I can hack into your files in over seven hundred
ways, and thats just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in
hacking, but I have access to the entire arsenal of every piece of malware ever
created and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the
face of the world wide web, you little shit. If only you could have known what
unholy retribution your little clever comment was about to bring down upon you,
maybe you would have held your fucking fingers. But you couldnt, you didnt, and
now youre paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit code all over you and
you will drown in it. Youre fucking dead, kiddo."
bind f "say Are you kidding me you little piece of shit ill have you know i
graduated top of my politics class and ive been involved in privilege checking
with over 150 confirmed political demonstrations im trained in conflict resolution
and i was the most oppressed person in my entire upper middle class high school you
are nothing to me but another cultural appropriator i will wipe you the fuck out
with precision the likes of which have never been seen on this side of the 49th
parallel mark my words you think you can get away with saying that shit to me over
the internet think again fucker, as we speak im checking with my anarcho-communist
analyst brigade for your location so you better be prepared to deal with some
molotov cocktails and angry feminists flying through your window yOURE FUCKING
DEAD CHERRY! i can be anywhere at any time and i can kill you in over seven hundred
ways and thats just with me boring you to death while i talk about privilege not
only am i extensively trained in hotline management but i have access to an entire
arsenal of sociological articles to prove my point and i will use them to wipe your
fucking face off the earth you little shit if only you had known what oppressed
retribution your cultural appropriation would unleash then maybe you would have
held your fucking tongue but you couldnt youre fucking dead kiddo"
bind f "say I dont give a fuck who you are or where you live. You can count on me
to be there to bring your fucking life to a hellish end. Ill put you in so much
fucking pain that itll make Jesus being nailed to a cross in the desert look like
a fucking back massage on a tropical island. I dont give a fuck how many reps you
have or how tough you are IRL, how well you can fight, or how many fucking guns you
own to protect yourself. Ill fucking show up at your house when you arent home.
Ill turn all the lights on in your house, leave all the water running, open your
fridge door and not close it, and turn your gas stove burners on and let them waste
gas. Youre going to start stressing the fuck out, your blood pressure will triple,
and youll have a fucking heart attack. Youll go to the hospital for a heart
operation, and the last thing youll see when youre being put under in the
operating room is me hovering above you, dressed like a doctor. When you wake up
after being operated on, wondering what ticking time bomb is in your chest waiting
to go off. Youll recover fully from your heart surgery. And when you walk out the
front door of the hospital to go home Ill run you over with my fucking car out of
no where and kill you. I just want you to know how easily I could fucking destroy
your pathetic excuse of a life, but how Id rather go to a great fuckng length to
make sure your last remaining days are spent in a living, breathing fucking hell.
Its too late to save yourself, but dont bother committing suicide either Ill
fucking resuscitate you and kill you again myself you bitch-faced phaggot. Welcome
to hell, population: you"
bind f "say DO IT, just DO IT! Dont let your dreams be dreams. Yesterday, you said
tomorrow. So just. DO IT! Make. your dreams. COME TRUE! Just do it! Some people
dream of success, while youre gonna wake up and work HARD at it! NOTHING IS
IMPOSSIBLE!You should get to the point where anyone else would quit, and youre not
gonna stop there. NO! What are you waiting for? DO IT! Just DO IT! Yes you can!
Just do it! If youre tired of starting over, stop. giving. up."
bind f "say Wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8? i dropped out of newcastle primary
skool im the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked ova 300 chocolate
globbernaughts frum tha corner shop. im trained in street fitin & im the strongest
foker in tha entire newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil bellend w/ a
fit mum & fakebling"
bind f "say Gr8 b8, m8. I rel8, str8 appreci8, and congratul8. I r8 this b8 an 8/8.
Plz no h8, Im str8 ir8. Cre8 more, cant w8. We should convers8, I wont ber8, my
number is 8888888, ask for N8. No calls l8 or out of st8. If on a d8, ask K8 to
loc8. Even with a full pl8, I always have time to communic8 so dont hesit8"
bind f "say no o ,q, ppsuo buq o s , noq
o o uo pu s o snb bqnop ob s
s b s pu u p , o buu op p no pu qo u o nb
u , uoz pu u nd buq s "
bind f "say Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M
duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the
loser, and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another
round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the
newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as
a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern
candy and snack-food world. Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is
misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to
be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In
this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end
of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make
no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to
M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with
a 35 card reading, Please use this M&M for breeding purposes. This week they
wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain
M&Ms. I consider this grant money. I have set aside the weekend for a grand
tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can
be only one. "
bind f "say Thats it, Im done. Fuck this chat. Its devolved into a mass of
retarded copy pastes and face spam. The quality of twitch chat has been declining
for a while, but this is the last straw. Thats it. Im done. Im uninstalling the
internet, chopping off my dick and moving to fucking Antarctica, at least the
bacteria there will be fucking smarter discourse"
bind f "say I sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter. Ever since I was a boy I
dreamed of soaring over the oilfields dropping hot sticky loads on disgusting
foreigners. People say to me that a person being a helicopter is Impossible and Im
fucking retarded but I dont care, Im beautiful. Im having a plastic surgeon
install rotary blades, 30 mm cannons and AMG-114 Hellfire missiles on my body. From
now on I want you guys to call me Apache and respect my right to kill from above
and kill needlessly. If you cant accept me youre a heliphobe and need to check
your vehicle privilege. Thank you for being so understanding."
bind f "say I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants
with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The
mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I
blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front
door."
bind f "say Hey Faggots, My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All
of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at
stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you
ever gotten any pussy? I mean, I guess its fun making fun of people because of
your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse
than jerking off to pictures on facebook. Dont be a stranger. Just hit me with
your best shot. Im pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and
starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than jack off to
naked drawn Japanese people? I also get straight As, and have a banging hot
girlfriend (She just blew me; Shit was SO cash). You are all faggots who should
just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening. Pic Related: Its me and my bitch"
bind f "say Why am I always being put in the friend zone. Im a nice guy, work a
nice job, and would do anything for mlady. In the end these girls always go after
DOUCHEBAG guys who treat them like shit, and only talk to me to cry about it. Im
sick of being considered beta or whatever you call it."
bind f "say Hello. I am a 15 year old Rhinoceros. The only problem is that my horn
on my head is soft and limp. As you may know this is very devastating to a rhino
like myself. If there are any rhinos out there that can help me with my problem it
would be appreciated. Please dont copy paste this. This is my story."