Revision Sheet

Page 1 (About DAPA):

My main issue with my website was that it sounded too academic for the public. To fix
this issue, I began my intro paragraph with the fear that many undocumented parents face. This
lead into DAPA and the explanation of the current events.
I lacked visuals in my original website. To fix this issue, I added a YouTube video from
the YouTube channel Mit. This will allow the audience to gain perspective on the daily lives of
family that face the fear of deportation. It also gives a glimpse of how other children perceive the
children.
For the second to last paragraph, I removed two sentences and moved them up to the laws
about DAPA. This allowed the paragraph to flow smoothly and stay within the same subject.
In the last paragraph, I added personal thoughts and the pros to passing a law like DAPA.
This allowed the audience to engage with my website and sympathize, more so than the original.
It also shows some benefits to their community, making it more likely they would support the
law.
Page 2 (Deportation and Mental Illness):
In order to make the introduction paragraph easier to digest, I paraphrased the large
quote. Before it was long and it would drag on but now it is simplified and easy to read.
For the second paragraph, I removed some unnecessary details to make it shorter and less
repetitive. I also separated the paragraph half way so the details about Bryan Diaz would be its
own paragraph. The two paragraphs will have a photo in between so it can keep the audiences
attention.
The last two paragraphs were simplified. Some sentences that seemed unnecessary were
taken out so it seems more general and easy to understand.