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In this truly ground breaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn
begins instead by asking, What do kids need and how can we meet those needs?
What follows from that question are ideas for working "with" children rather than
doing things "to" them.
One basic need all children have, Kohn argues, is to be loved unconditionally, to
know that they will be accepted even if they screw up or fall short.
Kohn cites a body of powerful, and largely unknown, research detailing the
damage caused by leading children to believe they must earn our approval. That's
precisely the message children derive from common discipline techniques, even
though it's not the message most parents intend to send. More than just another
book about discipline, though, "Unconditional Parenting" addresses the ways
parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to
question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of
practical strategies for shifting from doing to to working with parenting including
how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow
into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-
shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire
them to become better parents.
The biggest message I have taken away from Alfie Kohns book is his emphasis to
shift towards working with our kids as opposed to doing to.
Doing to strategies are things like threatening, bribing and rewarding our kids as
ways to control our children. Instead some working with strategies he suggests are:
Alfie Kohn believes that praise, rewards and punishments are all ways of controlling
our children. These provide extrinsic motivation to behave in the way we want. But he
says this is the wrong type of motivation better for it to come from the child
themselves.
For example, instead of putting a child into time out if he has hit another child, you
can get the child to work out what to do to make amends. I think she feels so bad she
is crying. What can you do to make her feel better? By ending with a question, you
give your child a chance to come up with something (even a pre-verbal child!).
Alfie Kohn is also very critical of the schools in the US (and many other
countries) where there is a lot of focus on test scores. He would like to see school
implement interactive, interdisciplinary, and question-based learning to get a deep
understanding as opposed to just learning facts. Sounds like a Montessori education
would meet many of these requirements.
Synopsis of Unconditional Parenting
By Alfie Kohn
Love kids for who they are (unconditional love) instead of for what they
do (conditional love).
Over many years, researchers have found that "the more conditional the
support [one receives], the lower one's perceptions of overall worth as a
person." When children receive affection with strings attached, they tend to
accept themselves only with strings attached.
Unconditional Conditional
View of Human
Positive or balanced Negative
Nature
View of Parental
A gift A privilege to be earned
Love
A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike
are less successful at many tasks when they're offered a reward for doing
them or for doing them well.
Rewards can never help someone to develop a commitment to a task or an
action, a reason to keep doing it when there's no longer a payoff.
The more that people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely
they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.
Not-So-Positive Reinforcement
Praise creates pressure to "keep up the good work" that gets in the way of
doing so. Partly because people's interest in what they're doing may have
declined (because now the main goal is to get more praise). Partly because
they become less likely to take risks a prerequisite for creativity once
they start thinking about how to keep those positive comments coming.
"Good job" isn't a description, it's a judgment.
Instead of "I love you," what praise may communicate is "I love you because
you've done well."
It's very easy for children to infer from a pattern of selective reinforcement
that we approve of them only when he does the things we like.
Children's sense of their competence, and perhaps of their worth, may come
to rise or fall as a result of our reaction.
The child comes to see their "whole self" as good only when they please the
parent. That's a powerful way of undermining self-esteem. The more we say
"Good job!" the worse the child comes to feel about themselves, and the
more praise they need.
Students whose main goal is to get A's are apt to become less interested in
what they're learning.
Grades lead students to pick the easiest possible assignment when they're
given a choice.
A quest for good grades often leads students to think in a more shallow and
superficial way. They may skim books for what they'll "need to know," doing
just what's required and no more.
Be reflective: try to figure out what may be driving your parenting style.
Reconsider your requests: before searching for some method to get kids to
do what we tell them, we should first take the time to rethink the value or
necessity of our requests.
Keep your eye on your long-term goals.
Put the relationship first: choose a "working with" as opposed to a "doing to"
response. See children's behavior as a "teachable moment".
Change how you see, not just how you act.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
Be authentic: make a point of apologizing to your child. First, it sets a
powerful example. It makes no sense to force children to say they're sorry
when they're not. A far more effective way to introduce them to the idea of
apologizing is to show them how it's done. Second, apologizing takes you off
of your perfect parent pedestal and remind them that you're fallible.
Talk less, ask more.
Keep their ages in mind.
Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts:
sympathize and try to understand why our children acted as they did.
Don't stick your no's in unnecessarily: you need a good reason not to go
along with what's being proposed.
Don't be rigid.
Don't be in a hurry.
Chapter 8: Love Without Strings Attached
What to Minimize
Being selective about what we object to or forbid makes the "no" count for
more on those occasions when we really do have to say it.
Focus on what's wrong with this specific action ("Your voice sounded really
unkind just now when you were talking to your sister") rather than implying
that there's something wrong with the child ("You're so mean to people").
Explicit negative evaluations may not be necessary if we simply say what we
see ("Jeremy looked kind of said after you said that to him") and ask
questions ("The next time you're feeling frustrated, what do you think you
could do instead of pushing?").
Beyond Threats
Insisting that children who act out are just doing it "for the attention" seems
to imply that "wanting to be noticed is a mysterious or stupid need." It's as
though someone ridiculed you for going out to dinner with your friends,
explaining that you do this just because of your "need for companionship."
Beyond Bribes
"I like the way you..." saying nothing (and just paying attention)
"You're such a great explaining the effects of the child's action on other people: "You set
helper!" the table! That makes things a lot easier on me while I'm cooking."
"That was a great inviting reflection: "How did you come up with that way of grabbing
essay you wrote." the reader's attention right at the beginning?"
"Good sharing, asking, rather than judging: "What made you decide to give some of
Michael." your brownie to her when you didn't have to?"
First, it's when children fall short and feel incompetent that they most need
our love not our disappointment. Second, the dangers are just as great if,
when they do succeed, we lavish positive reinforcement on them in such a
way as to suggest that our love is based on what they've done, not on who
they are.
It's interest that drives excellence interest in the task itself, not interest in
being successful or in doing better than others.
In place of an excessive focus on school achievement, we should take a lively
interest in what the child is learning.
The way kids learn to make good decisions is by making decisions, not by
following directions.
When children ask whether it's okay to do something, it often makes sense
to respond with "Well, what do you think?" This lets them know that their
viewpoint counts, and also invites them to play an active role in considering
the implications of their request.
Look for solutions together: "Let's talk about what's fair to you but also what
might address my concerns. Let's come up with some ideas and try them
out."
The question isn't whether limits and rules are sometimes necessary. It's
who sets them: the adults alone or the adults and kids together.
We want them to ask "How will doing x make that other kid feel?", not "Am I
allowed to do x?" or "Will I get in trouble for doing x?"
To support moral development, our message can't be simply that hitting is
bad or that sharing is good. What counts is helping kids to
understand why these things are true.
We should help children develop reasons to support their own views, even if
we don't agree with those views.
If you're sitting down with your child to discuss something about her
behavior that you'd like to see changed, you might invite her to imitate how
you typically sound when you're nagging her on that topic.
Perspective Taking
While many people dismiss those with whom they disagree ("How can she
hold that position on abortion!"), those accustomed to perspective-taking
tend to turn an exclamation point into a question mark ("How can she hold
that position on abortion? What experiences, assumptions, or underlying
values have led her to a view so different from my own?")
"Okay," we might say after a blowup. "Tell me what just happened, but
pretend you're your sister and describe how things might have seemed to
her."