BIG LITTLE BOOK OF

PLAYBOY
PAR1'Y JOKES

EDITORS OF PLAYBOY
Illustrations by LeRoy Neiman
BIG LITTLE BOOK OF

PLAYBOY
PARTY JOKES
BIG LITTLE BOOK OF

PLAYBOY
PARTY JOKES

EDITORS OF LAYBOY
Illustrations by LeRoy Neiman

Main Street
A division or 1e rling Publis h in g Co., Inc.
1
ew Yor k
A Main Street Boak

0 200-l PLAYBOY

Publis h ed 2005 b teding Publishing Co., Inc.

3 7 Park Avenue South. York.. :y 10016
D ist rib ut ed in Canada by teding Publis hing
o Canadian Ianda Group. 165 Dufferi n treet
Toronto, Ontario 3 116
D is tributed in Great Britain by C hrpalis Book,.
64 Bf"C\\ ery Road. London ' 79:'o.T, England
DisLributed in Au< trnlia by Ca pricorn Link (Au<tra lia) Pt . Ltd.
P.O. Box 704. Windsor. sw 2756, t\ustra lia

All riglns reserved. No pan of t his publication md} bt reproduced , wred in

a re lrie"al s.ys1e n1. or transmi tted. in any fom1 or by any mean<ii, e lectronic.
mech anica l. phorocop )'ing. record ing. or othe"' i,e. "it hou r prior "' rill<'n
pcrmis ion from the publisher.

l'la boy and Rabbu H ead design arr trademark.< of Pla yhO\ E.ntcrvri""
l nrcn1a1ional. I nc.

I 13 0-7607-&176-X

Fcm lin iJJu,t ratiorL< h LeRoy etman

Designed h)' J efTrc Ruuky

Pri nt ed in China

) () !) !I 7 6 'i 4 3
 Contents
Preface .............................. ............... ...... ................................. ..........vi
The Younger Gen eration ...... ........ .... ..... .. ............... ............ ............. 1
Dating ... ............................ ........... .................... ...... ...... ......... .......... 31
Marriage ........... ...... ............................... .......... .................... ........... 49
Husband & Wife ..... ........................................ ............................... 73
Swinging Spouse .. .............. ...... ... ........... .............. ............ .............95
Doctor , Lawyer , Indian C hiefs ................................ ......... ....... 123
1\iiss-Demeanor ............ ................................. ................... .. ..... ..... 149
Money ........................................................................................... 179
Show Bu ines .............................................................................. 199
Monkey Bu ines ......................................................................... 213
Playboys & Playmates ............................. ............. ........... ............ 225
On the Road ................. ...... .......................................................... 247
'Vini ng & Dining ............................................................. ............ 267
Boy & Girls Together ................................................................ 287
Animals ......................................................... ............. ..................311
Figure & Figleave ......................... ............................................323
' Vom en ........ ................................. .................................................341
'\Vit & Hall'\ its ............................................................................347
Plays on ' Vords ............................................................................359
Definitions .................................................................................... 373
 Preface

W h e n p eople think o f Playboy, the first thing that comes to mind,

n a turally, i b eautiful wo m e n . Then they think o f the to p-notch
article . And the n ex t associa t.io n a read er make with lhe word
Playboy i hilariou s j o kes. S ince lhe J anuary 1954 issue, Hug h
H e fne r h as b een publ isillng Playboy's Party J o kes in the pages o f
h is m ag-azine .
H e f is alway cited as be ing a t lhe vanguard of the sexual
revolut.io n . Of cou rse that's true, but he also was o ne of lhe
fi rst to publ ish humo r fo r a dul ts, bo lh in lhe fo rm o f essays by
com edians and in lh e fo ll owin g jokes. Th e a rne year Father
Knows Best p remiered o n C BS, H ef pub li hed his fi r t joke:

T he preache r's sennon was on the Te n Comma ndmen ts.

\Vhe n he reached " Thou Shalt Not Steal," h e n ot.iced one
of his paris hioners , a HttJe man s itting in the front row,
b e came very agitated. \Vh en the preacher reach ed " Thou
Shalt Not Commit Adulte ry," th e man s udde nly s m iled
and r e laxed.

vi J Big Little Book o[ PLAYBOY Party j okes

 After the service, the
preacher approached the man
and asked him the reason for
his peculiar behavior.
The man replied witl1 an
embarras ed smile, "Whe n you
talked about the Commandment,
'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' I s uddenly
discovered my umbrella was missing.
But when you said 'Thou Shalt Not
Commit Adultery,' l remembered
where I'd left it."

I h ave edited Pla)boy"s Party Jok for four

years. Along with m y coll eagu e , we weed
th rough 5,000 j oke each m onth, 4,000
of which are ubmitted via em ail. Alm o t
none o f thee are origi n al humor. l11ey
are j ok tha t have traveled from inbox to
in box, or from a ban e nder to a custo mer. Som e jokes we 7/
receive were around in the 1950 , a nd are j ust hours old.
Every month, I p ick about twen ty-fi ve o f the be t joke and fax
the m to Hef, who pet o na lly e lects and edi ts tl1e fin al d ozen .
We pa the fi rst person who submits a j oke we pu blish S I 00.
Every fe, m onths, J'IJ get an an gry Je ue r fro m a reade r d em anding
mone because he or he claim to be the person who m ail ed in tl1e
joke. l11e e letters a lway am aze m e becaw.e Ute writet i as5uming he
or he is the on! p erson in the world who know this paniru lar j oke.
In reality, we ge t hundreds of the a me joke each month. But o nce
a person commits a joke to m emory. he a cenain ownership
of it, a lmost as if he wrote it hin elf. l11at' the great power of hu mor.

fJ vii
 On rare occasions, omeonc write in to complain that a joke
we publi hed cro ed the line into impropriety. I to view the c
ru rants from members of an uptight ociet . But now I realize that
people get offended b jok becau e at the hean of ea h r;<tg is a n
i ue that's not a laughing matter. We joke about 1 rrori IS becau e
,,e're frightened b tJ1eir action . \\'c joke about presidenL<; because
tJ1 eir deci ion appall u . We joke about dumb blonde becau e we're
in awe of t11eir e w al power. We joke about tagra becau ewe fear
getting old. J okes help u face the i ue tl1at need facing up to.
And when a joke oiTends a person. it' becau e he or he recognize
tl1is. But I urge th e people to con ider what Bill Co by o nce aid
"You can rum painful iruations around through laughter. If you
can find humor in anything-even pO\erty- you can urvive it."
But enough analyzing. joke i imply uppo ed to make ou
laugh. I hope t11e follO\,ingjoke from our archive \\ill accompli h
just that.

- Patricia Lamberti. i tam Ed itor,

PlnJboJ Magazine

viii J Dig Book o[ PLAnoy

The Younger
Generation
rJ
Thekind! old gentleman wa vi iting hi d a u g hter' home.
H e entered the room of h " two grand on and found the m bu y
rudying at their d e ks. The first bo wa reading a book on aviation.
"What do ou want to be when ou b'l"OW up?" asked the
grandfather.
"A pilot, ir," aid the bo .
"And what do you want to be when you grow up ?'" t.he old
gentleman asked tl1e econd la d.
The bo looked up from the latest i u e of Playboy . "Nothing,
ir," he aid wistfully, "ju t growed up ."

Thefarmer h ad borro"ed a bull from a n e ighbor to service hi two

cow . He put the beast in the p asrure and instructed his son to kee p
an e eon them. 'As oon as the buU h as finished , o u com e up to
the house and tell m e,'" b e aid.
When the farmer got back to the h ouse, h e found the Reverend
there p ayin g a ocial cal l. The were eated in the front room
sipping tea when th e bo burst in tl1e d oor.
'"Dad, Dad ," h e exclaimed, "the bull just fucked tl1e bro\vn cow!"
Greatly e mbarras ed , the farmer took h " o n outside. " Is th at
any wa to talk in front of the Reverend?" h e d e manded. "Wh y
couldn' t you have said the bull 'surprised' the brown cow? I would've
understood. ow go back d own to the p astu re and co m e te ll m e
when the bull i fin ish ed .'"
A few minutes la ter the b oy again burst imo the room .
" Da d , Dad-" h e excla imed .
Fearing a no th er breach of ve rba l etiquette, the fa th e r
inteJTIJpted.
" I know, I know," h e a id. "The bull has surprised the white cow."
" H e sure has," exclaimed the exci ted boy. " H e fucked the brown
cow again !..

2 D Big Littk Book of PLATaOY Pari) j okes

A father was hopping in a depa runent store wi th his small
daughter, when the little girl suddenly pulled on his coat sleeve
and aid, " Daddy, I gotta go."
" In a few minutes, dear," the father replied.
" I gotta go 110w," the little girl insisted in a very loud voice.
To avoid a cene, a saleslady tepped forward and aid , "That'
alright, sir, I'll take her."
The sale lady and the little girl hurri ed off hand in hand.
When they returned, the father asked his daughter, " Did you
thank tl1e nice lady for being so kjnd ?"
"Wh y should I thank her?" retorted the little girl, as loud as
before, "She had to go, too."

A little girl answered the knock on the door of the farmhouse.

1l1e caller, a rather troubled-looking, middle-aged man , asked to
see her father.
''If ou've come about the bull," he aid, " he's fifty dollars.
We have the papers and everything and he' guaranteed."
" Young lad ," the man aid, " I want to ee your father."
" If that' too much," tl1e little girl replied, "we got another bull
for twenty-five d ollars, and he' guaranteed, too, but he doesn't have
an papers."
''Young lady," the man repeated, ''I want to ee your father! "
" If that's too much;' aid the little girl, "we got anotl1er bull
for on I ten d ollars, but he' not guaranteed."
''I'm not here for a bull," aid the man angriJ . " I wam to talk
about our brother, Elmer. He' gotten m daughter in trouble!"
"Oh , I'm orry," md the little girl. "You'll have to ee Pa about
that, 'cause I don't know what he charges for Elmer."

Tht Youngtr Gtntration f) 3

Thelittle girl walked into the drugstore and asked the clerk,
"Do you fit men for jockstrap here?'' Bewil dered but ob li!,ring,
he replied , "Wh y. es, we do.
"Well, wa h our hands," aid tl1e litt.le girl, 1 want a c hocolate
oda."

Ti1e oung motl1er kepticall e.-xamined a new educational to .

' J n't it ramer co mplicated for a mall bo ?" she asked th e ale clerk.
" It' de igned to adjust the tot to li,e in toda ' world , ma'am,"
me d erk replied. "An wa h e tries to put it together is

Theattracti,e nanny, with her mall dtarge in tow, left the park to
\isit her boyfriend in his apartment. The had a hard time keeping
m eir hands off each o ther. but the cou ld only go o far with the
child watching. Th en me nanny hit on an idea.
"Bobby, .. he said, "go look out that window and f'll give you
a dime for every red hat ou ee."
Delighted 1\i tb the new game. Bobby ran to m e window and
tared intently at me passersby below.
Almost a minute passed before voice popped up wit.l1,
" I ee a red hat!"
"That's nice,'' came m e nanny' muffled reply.
''There' anomer one; said the boy a short Lime latet:
"Keep counting." the woman m anaged to ay.
''Oh, nanny!'' Bobby exclaimed udden ly.
" What now?" he asked, breathing heavily.
" I just wanted to tell )OU tha t this is going to be the mmt
expens iYe roll in the ha you've ever had, 'ca use here co me' a
hrine parade!''

4 J Big Book of PUTBOT Party j okes

II\ AI
VVhy don't you !:>mile?" the teacher a!:>ked young j o hnn .
" I didn't have :my breakfast," .Jo hnny replied.
"You poor dear," aid Lhe teacher. "But to return to our
geography le son, .J ohnny: Where i the Canadian border?"'
" In bed with Mama-t.hat' why I didn' t have any breakfrua!'"

A middl e-aged woman stood wa tching a little boy leaning against a

building, ma king a Lucky Strike and d1;nking from a ha lf- pim of Old
Grand Dad. Finally, unable to bear it an longer, he stalked up to the
lad and demanded , ... \Vhy arent you in chool at this time of cia . ...
"Hell, lady," aid t.he boy, t.aking anot.her swig of bourbon,
'Tm only four years old.'"

One evening at dinner the small boy how he had been

brought into tl1e world. His father, a ratl1er u-aightJaced type, tried
to dismi tll e question witl1 a reference to the stork. n atisfied. the
youngster asked where tl1e father had orne from.
"'The tork brought me, too, son," tl1e father replied.
1l1e boy sat quietJ for a few mome nt . Then: "Wh at about
Grandfathe1T he asked.
"' Ye , the tork brought our Grandfather, too," farner napped,
about to lo e patience witl1 hi!:> son for poing qu Lions tl1at we1-e
obviou I none of a mall boy bu!>in e .
''Gee. dad,'' the chi ld ex laimed. " do }' OU mean tl1i!:> family h a!:>
gone tltrough tltree generations witl1out havi ng an ex a t all?"

Wewent to ee the late t J ame Bond Aick no t too long ago and
d uring tl1e obligatory lo\'e cene we heard a mall voice near ll!> in
the darkened tlleater ay, "Mom m . this where he puts the pollen
on her?"

loungrr Gl!llrration D 5
A choolteacher took her econd-grade
charge on a field trip to the county fair.
There was a racetrack on the grounds
and he a ked them whether the
would enjo eeing the hors . The
children enthusiasticall exclaimed the
would, but as oon as he got them in ide the
gate, tl1e all asked to be taken to the bathroom.
She accompanied tl1e little girl , but ent tl1e boy
to tl1e men' room alone. The trooped out alma t
immediate) and announced that the urinals were too
high for iliem to reach.
l11e iruation was an awk'"ward one, but after looking abou t to
make ure he\\ unob erved, the teacher ushered the boys back in.
She lined them up before the plumbing and moved methodically
down the line. After lifting everal, he came to one who was unusu-
ally hea .
"Goodne ," he e..xdaimed, are au in ilie second?"
'"Hell no, lady," can1e the tanled repl . " I'm riding Blue Gras
in ilie fourth ."

Two little bo s were engaging in the traditional verbal battle of

li ttJe boy everywhere:
"My fath er i better tJ1an your father! "
" o, he' not!"
"My brotJ1er is better man your broilierl"
"No, he' not!''
"My moilier is better than your mother!"
A pause.
"Well, I gu you've got me there. My fath er ay tJ1e arne
thing."

6 I Big Book of PLA'DOY Party j okes

A middle-aged friend of ours read Lolita recently. " I can't under-
Land what all the excitement i about," he told us. " I didn't find
anything in it tl1at could be con idered e e n vaguely ensalional-
and neither did m twehe-year-old wife."

George was de a-ibing h is new ecretary enthusiaslicall to the

family at dinne r: " he's efficient, pe rsonable, clever, punctuaJ, and
darned a u.ractive, to booL In hart, he' a reaJ doll!"
"A doll?'' aid hi wife, with a frown.
"A doll I" re-empha ized he r obliviou husband .
At which point. thei r- five-year-old da ughte r. ' ho knew a little
about dolls, looked up from her broccoli to ask: "Does
he do e her eyes when ou Ia h er down, Daddy?"

Wee Willie was walking with Wanda, his new girlfriend, carrying
her books home from grammar chool. Both were eight years old.
"Wanda," said Wee Willie wi t11 worshiping gaze, " ou are the
first girl I have ever loved."
" Dammit," aid Wanda, " I've drawn another beginner!"

B obby' mother had been awa for a few week and was questioning
her small on about even dur;ng he r ab ence.
"Well " aid the bo , "one night we had an awfuJ thunderstorm.
It was o bad that I got car-ed, and o Dadd and me lept together."
"Bobb ," aid and rine. the bo pretty French au pair, " ou
mean ' Dadd and L."'
" o, I don't," exclaimed Bobb . "1l1at was Ia t Thursday.
The torrn was on Monday night."

Ct llt ratiou rJ 7
One d a in sch ool oungjohnny wrote o n the blackboard, "Johnny
is a pa ionate d evil." The teach er reprimanded him for thi act,
a nd made him ta aftet d10ol for one hour. When he fina lly le ft
the d10o l that evening. a ll hi friend a-owded about, eager to h ear
what puni hment h e h a d receive d. " \ hat did he do to you ?'' asked
one little t ke.
'Tm not a in'," J o hnn replied . '' But I will tell ou it pays to
adverti e .''

The grade- c h ool princ ipal d ropp ed into the new third-grade
teache r room to ee h ow h e ' adju ling to her fir t day of
school. ''There is one problem: he aid. "That little bo in the
first row belongs in econd grad e . but in ists on t-em a ining h e t-e,
and h e' o m art I hate to end him back."
.. H e can't be that mart ,.. a id tl1e principal. "ruk him
omething.
The teacher called the boy fomard and inquit-ed, " What d oe
a dog do on lhree legs that a mru1 doe on two leg a nd a lady doc
itting down? ..
hakes h a n ds,.. aid the boy.
" \Vhat h as a cow got four of that I have only t\\'0 of?" she
went o n .
"Legs," the boy replied.
" Wha t is a four-le tter word meaning intercour e?''
h e conti nued.
''Talk.'' h e answered.
The teacher turned to the principal. " \\'ell , what o;hould I do?"
H e drew h e r as ide and whi -;pcred, 'Beuer pmmot him to
the fo urth grade. I mi s ed a ll three questions."

8 I Big Book of PLAYBOY Party jokes

A rem fa th er was taking hi little :.on J o hnny for a walk in the
park when uddenly a honeybee settled on a ro<:k in front of them.
Ju t for pite, tl1e bo mashed it with a rock, whereupon h is father
aid, "That wa!> crue l, and for being cruel you'll get no honey for a
whole year."
Later, J ohuny deliberately stepped on a butterfly. "And for that,
young man," said the fa rJ1er, "you 'll ge t no butter for a ear."
When rJ1ey retumed home. Johnny' mother was busy fixing
dinner. Ju t as rJ1ey entered the kitchen, he pied a cockroach and
immediate ly crushed it u nderfoot. l11e little boy looked at his farJ1er
and a id, "Shall I tell her, Dad , or will you ?"

Thepretty oung choolteacher was concerned abou t one of her

eleven-year-old tudems. Taking him a ide after clas one day, she
asked, tctor, why has our choolwork been o p oor la tel ?'"
'' f can't concenu-ate,'' repli ed the lad. " I rJ1ink I've fallen
in love.
''l that o?" a id the tead1er, h olding back a n urge to mile.
"And with whom?"
'' \ tth ou," he ans\\'ered.
'' But tctor," e.xdaimed tl1e ea-etly pleased youn g lad ,
"don't ou ee how ill tllat is? lt' true that I would like
a husband ofm own omeday-bu t not a d1ild !"
"Oh, d on' t worry," said Victor reassuring! . ''I'Ll be careful."

"Tell me, Tommy,'' the elder! sch oolmarm inquired o f o ne of

her fifth-grade tudents. " Lf you tarted with twent do llar!> and
gave e\en of them to Nancy, five to 1ary and eight to Jud , wha t
would ou then have?"
ball!'' answet-ed Tomm .

Tht' Yormgn- Cmt'rafwu D 9

A new papennan, in Atlantic City for the Mi .America Pageant,
was eated in a boardwalk bi tro when an excepuonally cute oung
redhead sat down beside him. TI1ey began to c hat and, after a
number of drinks. he propo ed that the ' bu a bottle and fini h
it in hi room. he wa agreeable- o much o, in fact, that before
tl1e bottle was half fini h ed, he began to undre . Before h e got
into bed, the new pape1man casually a ked h er how o ld he wa .
"Thirteen," he repli ed.
''TI1irteen? Good Lord!"' he exclaimed. "Put yoUI- clothes on
and get out of here!"
''What' the matter?'" asked tl1e girl. pouting. "Superstitious?"

The oung kindergarten teacher hadju t insu-ucted her charges to

come forward as their name were called and be prepar-ed to draw
ometl1ing on the blackboard that had b een the cause of excitem ent
in their homes during the previous week. One by one the pupils
came forward and ketched uch ite m a report card , te levis ion
ets, mothers' new hats, and tl1e like . \Vhen it came time for Johnny,
the clas cutup, to compl with the as ignment, however, he walked
to the board and impl made two white dots before retuming to hi
eat. Suspecting that he was up to one of his usual pranks, the
teacher advised J ohnn that he had better be able tO explain why
those two dots were exciting if he didn't want to be kept after chool.
"Well," said J ohnny, " the oth er da you told u t11at those dots
are also called periods-''
"That's correct," the teacher interrupted. "But what could
po ibly be exciti ng about t\ o periods?"
"Beats me; replied Johnny. "But that's how man m older
ister ays h e'-; missed, and it's causing a n awful lot o f exciteme nt
around our house!''

10 I Big Lillie Book of PLAYBOY Party j okes

The unday- d1ool teacher asked her clas of oung!>ter if they
could name an of the Ten Com mandments and on e kindergane n-
aged boy tood up a nd announced proudly, "Thou shalt not omit
adultery.'"

T he expectant mother was in her event.h month when she d ecided

to break the new!> to her sma ll o n.
" Darling,'" he aid , '"if ou could have our choice, which
wou ld you like to have--a little brotl1er or a little sister?"'
"Well," sa id the child, "if it' not too mu h to ask, I'd reall
prefer a pony."

T he p recocious ix- rear-old, who had ju 1 co mpleted hi firs t day in

tl1e econd grade at a progressive school, suddenly asked h is parents.
''What is ex?"
After an e mbarras ed pau e, they finaU managed to :.tammer
out an expla nation of the bird and the bees.
Pu7Jled. the to t pulled a ch ool que tionnaire from his pocket
and a ked, " How am I going to put a ll tl1at information in tl1i Jjttle
pace marked ex'?'"

A littJe girl stared witl1 fascination at the pregnant woman walking

alo ngside h er in tl1e park. '"Wl1at' tllat?" he asked, pointing to tlle
woma n' blo oming tomach.
"l11at's m own sweet bab '," said the mothe r-to-be.
" Do ou Jove him?'' asked the d1 ild.
"Of course I do," the woman aid, " I Joye him Yel)' much."
Whereupo n tJ1e littJe girl exclaimed accu ingly. "Then h ow
come you ate him l?"

Tltl' l'iw 11gu Cmt'ralioll ) 11

The oliceman
wa lking hi beat whe n he aw two men fighting
and :little bo r ta nding a lonbrs ide them rying, " Dadd ' Dadd I"
The ot'ficer pulled tl1e two m en a pan and, tuming to the boy
asked ,"\ hich one is our father, lad ?"
1 don't know," the bo ai d. rubbing the tear. fro m eyes.
''That' what the 're fighting about!"

D ed as a pirate for Halloween . th e -m all bo knocked o n a

door and greeted b a matronl wo man. "Aren't o u a cute
little pira te.'' he said. " But where are our buccaneers?"
To which the little bo} replied. .. nder my buccan h at!''

A the two little girls walked hand in hand to kinderganen,

one confided, " I found a condom on the patio re terday.''
ked her fri end, ''What' a patio?"

Mrs. Gregso n'' taking care of orne corre>pondcnce " he n her

precocious six- ear-old daughter ran in and tugged at her lec,e.
"Mommy, can I have a baby:
"Of course not, dear,- her mother re plied, without mi sing
a key trnke.
"Are you ure?" me litlle gi rl persi5ted .
" \'ery sure. Now run along. dear."
As he ran to rejoin her pia in the yard, th child ca lled
out. " OK. fella.s, ..arne gamer

""I know how babi are made," boasted one <,mall fl) to another.
."'T hat' .. nothin g,'' ll1 e <,cconcl '>mall fry replied. " I kncm ho\\
the re not.

12
D Big Book o[ PLADOY Pnrlyjokn