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Monica Sibrian

Professor Batty

English 28

March 15, 2017

Sweet Despair
Imagine waking up on a normal ordinary day and having someone give you the death

sentence, at least thats how it felt. My world crumbled at my fingertips and I didnt know how to

make it stop. I had never felt something so real feel so unreal. I felt every ounce of fear I had

ever felt enter my body all at once. Little did I know I was learning a very important, valuable

lesson that would shape the rest of my life.

The year was 2013 and it was a breezy, yet sunny day in the last week of November. I

hadnt had a physical exam in years and my mom was urging me to go. I made an appointment

with a provider who I had never seen before and two days later I went in for my exam. I

mentioned to the doctor that I had been feeling dizzy for the past couple of months, but I thought

it was due to my terrible eating habits and not drinking enough water. She collected blood and

urine samples, told me my results would be back in one week, and sent me home. One week

later, I was out running errands with my mother when I received a call from the doctors assistant

telling me that my results had come in and they had to be discussed in the office. I didnt think

much of it. I thought they were going to tell me I was anemic, at most. Since my mother was

with me at the time, she decided that she wanted to go.

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 When I got to the doctors office they directed me to an exam room right away. The

doctor walked in 5 minutes later and had a stern but saddened look to her. She was holding a

paper with my blood test results. The doctor was pointing out a couple of abnormalities, words

that I had never heard before. She then says, Your CBC test came back abnormal. Your white

blood cell count is 1. The normal range is 4.5 to 11 I later found out that she was referring to

thousands. I had about 1 thousand white blood cells when I should be having at least 4.5

thousand. None of these things made any sense to me. She looked at my mother and said, I

think your daughter has lymphoma. My mother didnt hear her clearly the first time, so she

repeated it. I had no expression, the room suddenly felt so much colder. My eyes met my

mothers and I saw tears pile up. She couldnt stop the tears. I was so numb that I couldnt cry. I

was scared, but all I could think of was my mother. I was more worried about her reaction than

the idea of me having cancer. Because I was still 18 at the time, the doctor referred us to the

Childrens Hospital in Los Angeles where they would continue my care. I immediately called my

sisters and my father and gave them a quick summary of what happened. My sister, Jessica,

decided to drive my mother and I to the hospital because my mother was still shaken up and

would not be able to drive.

I got to the hospital and told the front desk secretary what had happened. She gave my

mom a packet of papers to fill out and had us wait what seemed like an eternity in the waiting

room. While we waited, my dad walked in with my oldest sister, Mariela. My father and my

mother hadnt spoken in over two years, having them in the same room was so emotionally

pleasing to me. When I looked at my father it suddenly became so real to me. I shattered into a

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million pieces in front of him. He held his composure, as he always does, and told me everything

would be okay. The triage nurse called us in and took my vitals along with my chief complaint. I

was so nervous that they couldnt get a correct reading on my blood pressure. The nurse looked

at me in the eyes and told me, Try to stay calm. Never believe anything until it has been

confirmed by three doctors. They took my father and I to an exam room where the nurses

started doing a full work up on me. They ran millions of blood tests, collected a urine sample,

and took me to the radiology department to get a CT scan of my chest. The CT scan was scary,

they needed a clear visibility of my internal structures so they injected iodine into my veins to

make everything show up better. I felt a chilling sensation travel up my arms first, and then all

down my body. I was nervous, I remember asking the nurse an excessive amount of questions

but they were probably irrelevant because I cant remember them. I was then taken back to my

room where, to my surprise, my family was waiting for me. They only allowed one person to

accompany the patient in the room, but my sisters and mother snuck their way in. My father

decided to wait outside. In the room, I remember my mom holding me and all I could say was,

Mom, I dont want to die. Please dont let me die, over and over again.

My parents were taking turns to see me about every hour. My sisters were hungry and

went to the cafeteria. When my father was alone in the room with me he was giving me a long

speech about how he felt it was his fault. He blamed himself because he didnt recognize the

symptoms. He blamed himself because he didnt force me to see a doctor sooner. His voice was

cracking and that was the first sign of emotion I had seen from my father in a long time. I clearly

remember him telling me, Whatever the doctors tell us, I promise I will do everything so that

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youll be okay. We wont give up. The timing was perfect. Immediately after, the doctor walked

in with a giant grin on her face. She said all of my results were back and there was nothing

abnormal anywhere. I was as healthy as a horse and they found no signs of cancer. My father

hugged me as hard as he could. They gave me my discharge paperwork and just like that, we

were ready to go home.

We were ecstatic, I had never felt more alive than I did there in that moment. I felt as if it

was a wake up call to live more, love more, laugh more. Even though that was the scariest day of

my life, I will forever be grateful. It brought my family together in a time of need and it taught

me to be so much more aware of the life around me. I will dedicate my life to the medical field. I

will make a difference in someones life. I was lucky enough to walk away without cancer but

others arent fortunate enough to say the same. I want to save the lives of people who feel as if

cancer is an immediate fast pass to death. I want to be the reason people feel hope.